Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
They are about what's just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
On most of these Apocalypse series, we tell you what plants you can eat in case of an apocalypse and you have to go out to your yard for food.
Well, this one is going to explain to you the plants you may be aware of to not eat.
Plants that could be toxic usually might have milky white sap, thorns, spines, or fine hairs, or leaves or stems.
Pods with bulbs, beans, or seeds, stems or trunks that have an almond scent.
Three-leafed foliage growth. Also be aware of intensely bitter or sappy flavor.
Foliage reminiscent of dill, parsley, or carrot.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
I will roast you. But my mom told me to not burn trash.
Hehehehehe.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Should I throw away all my socks, then only buy 30 pair of one kind of sock? Will they eventually not match up?
Hmph. I may never know.
Hello there. Two Deuce bags and microphone on Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright. Well, let's see. We had some interesting games yesterday, didn't we? We had a...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. First off...
Hi to Opal.
Hm?
I hope you're listening, Grandma.
Hi Grandma Opal. We love you.
Hi. Okay, was that what you were going to say, or not?
Yeah, yeah. I was going to say hi to Grandma Opal.
Okay, cool. Um, anyhow, we had...
Hey, hey, hey. It got, it got a case of total listens.
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay, anyhow, we had some interesting games going on yesterday, and Baltimore...
Yes, we do.
Baltimore ended up just beating the hell out of their opponent.
and anyhow we had a San Francisco barely squeaking by Green Bay so what we have
is whoever wins the Chiefs-Bills game is going to be playing Baltimore in
Baltimore so that's going to be a good game whether it's the Bills or the
Chiefs I certainly hope it's the Chiefs but it's I think this game tonight could
have the makings of another classic it seems like even if it's not a playoff
game between Buffalo and Kansas City it usually ends up to be a real nuttucker
all the way to the end so I expect no different and we're about an hour and a
half away from the start of that game and currently...
Man I'm going to be listening. I ain't going to be able to watch because it's on CBS.
Man that blows so the only place it's on...
I can at least listen.
The only place it's on regular TV is Kansas City and I guess no other market.
That is just...
Well no if you have Paramount Plus you can get it.
Well I know but I'm talking about free TV.
Right, right.
I don't know. The NFL is shooting themselves in the foot I think.
I think that they need to keep it free and the stuff about segmenting it out and
people having to pay for it is not a good idea.
Right, right.
So anyhow...
Yeah there's been enough complaints about that.
Yeah there's been a ton of complaints about it and if they don't...
Yeah.
I don't think it's a very good look for the NFL and I think they need to reevaluate it.
So anyhow today we have Food Wars dessert.
Okay well while we're on sports can I throw a little something to hit you real quick?
Absolutely. Go right on ahead Rob.
It's something I found on NBC Sports.
Okay.
NASCAR adds three new members to the Hall of Fame Friday night in Charlotte, Carolina.
Alright.
Jenny Johnson and Chad Noss, K-N-A-U-S, will enter the Hall of Fame as the modern era representatives.
Doing so in their first year of eligibility.
Donnie...
Oh I said definitely deserving. Go ahead.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Donnie Allison will enter the Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility on the Pioneer ballot.
Okay.
So there's the three new members in the NASCAR Hall of Fame.
Real quick Rob.
Jenny Johnson, Chad Noss, and Donnie Allison.
Okay. Donnie Allison you're saying it's on the Pioneer. Is that like the creators, the ground, you know, going back to the origins of NASCAR? Is that what it is?
Yeah, the Allison family.
Okay, okay. That's pretty cool that they're doing that.
And known for racing.
Yes. Okay. Alright. So the Pioneer Award is kind of like a tribute to the beginners and the founding fathers of NASCAR.
Yes. Okay. So they take the prolific people from back then that really got it to go in and they bring them in today's Hall of Fame. I think that's a great idea.
So NASCAR isn't all shooting themselves in the foot. So just 90% of the time it seems like anymore doesn't it?
Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I think that's a good pick.
I agree with every one of those choices. They needed to be in. Excellent.
I am a NASCAR follower by the way.
I never really have been but I'm very familiar with it because I am surrounded by NASCAR people.
Yeah. Kevin Harvick is my man. Was my man.
Well yeah. But no. You know what? I mean that's pretty good. Yeah. That's pretty good stock right there. I can tell you that.
Alright. Get in with the sports. Sports is done.
As far as I know.
Okay. I got a neat little story here Rob.
Yeah.
Okay. Switching gears completely.
Do it.
Dog DNA detectives trace owners not scooping the poop in an Italian province.
Province. Not Providence.
So basically what they did was they found the dog poop or the dog shit on the ground.
They grabbed it. Took DNA from it.
And found the people who was responsible for leaving it.
So I'm going to read a little bit more of this but I want to know how they was able to have the dog DNA. Don't you?
Did they make everybody who got an animal provide a DNA sample?
They probably took it to the vet. But here's my question.
Yes.
If you're going to pick it up and put it in a bag.
Uh huh.
If you're going to go through that much trouble. Why are you going to go have the DNA ran? Throw it in the nearest trash can.
I... Yeah. Good point.
I live in apartments. I live in apartments.
Uh huh.
And our dogs go out here. We pick our stuff up.
Most people do. I've noticed it.
But if those that don't, if you see something laying out. Get off your ass. Help the community.
Yes. So I have some of the answers right here.
Okay. Okay. Cool.
Okay.
Um...
I don't know man. I don't know.
Um... I think it's overstepping. I mean I understand.
Yeah. I can see both sides of that.
Me too. I mean you get tired of stepping in dog shit all the time.
Yeah. Yeah.
And you get tired of seeing it and smelling it. Um... I don't know though.
I mean I kind of have this overwhelming feeling that okay they start with that. Then how far would they go?
Well no. That's when you need to go to your local city animal control.
Yeah.
Do it the legal way.
Yeah. Good point.
If you don't want to get into a confrontation with your neighbor, do it the legal way.
Go with animal control and they will understand.
Yes.
You know get with your city. It's a nuisance.
Okay. Cool.
Okay.
That's the way I see it.
No. I agree with you. I think you're right on that.
Um... okay.
Uh... well. You know what? I suppose it's going to probably fix the issue.
So... okay.
Um... I mean I guess it will.
Anyhow.
Interesting stuff. And they must have a hell of a...
To go through those links. They must have a hell of a problem with dog shit all over.
That people must just be leaving it.
Yeah.
Okay. I get it.
That's why you go to your city.
Yes. Okay. Rob. I got a question about personally down there where you live.
We're supposed to get freezing rain and ice later this evening.
And they said the further south and east you go the more ice they're supposed to get.
What's your forecast say or do you know?
Okay. Well we're supposed to bottom out at 28.
Uh...huh.
And it's supposed to start like early morning.
You know.
3, 4, 6 o'clock.
Yeah.
It's supposed to be rain with freezing rain.
But then we're supposed to get up to like 35.
Okay. So...
So it's going to be mainly rain I think.
They're calling for a bunch of ice.
But from what I'm reading on KY3 out of Springfield...
Out of Springfield. Yeah.
Our temperatures are going to be higher.
And tomorrow through the next week and a half, two weeks, we're supposed to be in the 40s, 50s.
So it's going to be very short lived.
I think it's moving in warmer weather.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think we're going to get more rain. There could be some ice.
Well I think there's going to be a period in the morning where there's some ice early morning.
And then probably the temperature will allow it to melt pretty quickly.
So...
Yeah. Well I'm off tomorrow so I don't have to worry about it. I can sleep in.
You know what? That's excellent. Good.
Well you see that definitely helped you out right there the four days a week.
At least for the interim.
I've got to be in at 4 a.m. tomorrow.
Yeah.
So yeah I'm going to...
I feel for you brother.
Eh. It's alright. You know what? I'll get out at 12.30.
And then I basically have three days off.
And then I go in for another week.
Well a couple of days. Got a day off.
Go in for another couple of days.
Have a couple of days off.
Then go in for one day and then I'm on my vacation.
Not that I'm counting but yes I am.
So anyhow...
I bet you are.
Yeah. Yep.
So I am still...
Anybody with me?
I'm still trying to work out the logistics of recording on the ship.
I have all the equipment.
But the one thing I need to know is...
Okay.
I don't know how you carry laptops anymore.
I think you have to bring them and put them on the conveyor.
You can't have them in something.
I've got to look up all this stuff.
And then I'm going to have a microphone.
I'm going to have headphones and all this stuff.
So it's going to be interesting to have this whole setup.
Because before when me and Topher was doing it...
Plus your regular luggage.
Yes.
So...
Yeah. This will be cool.
Yeah. I've got to figure this out because I really want to do a couple of podcasts on the ship.
I think it will be really cool.
So anyhow...
If not, we're sorry assholes.
You're going to have to miss us for a few days.
You're getting your money's worth.
If we cannot, we're trying.
Yes.
Well Mark's trying.
I'm trying.
His trip. Not mine. I'm stuck in Campton.
Yeah. I wish you could go with.
You've never done a cruise before, have you?
No. I'm working on it.
You need to treat yourself Rob. You work hard.
You work hard. You need something for you to thank yourself.
It's very important to thank yourself in life.
No. I know when I'll be able to do it.
Okay.
It's not right now.
I got you.
It's coming. It's coming.
I understand.
It's not right now.
Yeah. I'm going on a cruise.
I'm a Pisces man. I've got to get on the water.
That's right.
I live like the Ozarks. Come on.
I'm a Scorpio so I have to be in the water too.
So I got you.
I want to be on the big... Yeah.
I've seen the golf a few times.
I want to be out on it.
I've been on beaches.
I love the golf. I love beaches and everything.
But there's something about being on the ocean.
Especially at night on your own private balcony where you sit there and look at the ocean at night.
It is just so tranquil, relaxing, beautiful.
And you're floating on it.
Yes.
Yeah.
And that's when you break out a cigar and grab you a couple of beers from the bar upstairs.
And just go on your private balcony and enjoy a couple hours of you in the ocean.
So anyhow, that's my idea of a hotel.
I'll make a deal with you right here and right now.
Okay.
To my best friend.
Okay.
All right, Rob.
What would it be?
My first cruise will be with you.
Okay.
You got it.
All right.
Yeah.
I want somebody I know.
And why not my best friend?
You know what, Rob?
Perfect.
Yeah.
And you get us cheaper tickets.
Yes.
Yes, I can do that.
Yep.
Yeah.
Yep.
They almost begged me to go on a cruise now because they look at a bunch of different
variations.
They got the people that gamble.
The people that gamble get great deals because they want them on the boat losing money.
And then they have the people that get on the boat buy the drink packages, buy the massages
and stuff like that, you know.
So I would fit in the second category.
But this time I think I'm going to, since it's a brand new boat, only the fourth sailing,
I'm going to hit up roulette.
I'm going to hit up Texas Hold'em.
I'm going to hit up Blackjack.
Oh, Texas Hold'em.
Hell yeah.
I'm going to hit up five or six actual table games this time just for the hell of it because
it's a new boat.
Let's see what it does.
Instead of slots.
Yeah.
I think it'll be fun.
I know that the best dealer is going to be on this boat because it's brand new.
It's their pride and joy right now.
So I think it's going to be a great opportunity to get the best of everything.
They even have a craft brewery in this boat.
Oh, God.
Oh, I know.
I could see myself in there swilling some fucking fantastic.
Val is going to be so pissed at you.
Nah, she'll be fine.
She knows.
I don't know.
She'll get to do what she wants to.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I'll be like, hey man, go grab your mimosa.
She knows where you'll be.
Yeah.
Go grab your mimosa.
I'm going to go find an amber logger or whatever, or whatever they got.
So anyhow, let's go ahead and take our first break and come right back.
Rob, that sound good?
Sound good.
All righty.
Excellent.
Oh, shit.
What's that over there?
Oh, no.
It's island of horrible jokes.
Ugh.
My hotel tried to charge me for air conditioning.
That's not cool.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Your IQ isn't even room temperature.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Well, that new handsome CD is just a laptop.
Uh-huh.
Now, from the makers of the Who Bit My Asshole board game comes the Rob Rad Jigsaw Fuzzle.
That's right.
Put Rob back together.
This brilliant glossy photo of Rob wearing a loin cloth in a rain forest is the perfect
stocking stuffer.
Order now and get a free butt plug keychain.
Two douchebags in a microphone, raw and uncensored.
See behind the smoke show.
Watch as the douchebags get stung by a scorpion beast.
Enjoy one of many coffee houses ordering our heroes out.
Watch Mark revisit Clinton, Missouri to claim his innocence for all the mad shitter accusations.
I didn't do it.
I'm not the mad shitter.
Act now and get both high quality DVD sets and a free douchebag calendar.
Mark off the day with a douchebag looking at you.
Supplies are limited, so act now.
Two douchebags in a microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
All right.
Earlier I mentioned something about food wars and people that have been around a long time
might know this and some people probably don't.
I love them.
I do too.
This originated-
I find them challenging.
They are.
We put a lot of thought into this.
It makes us think.
Yes, it does.
And it goes over well at work too, whenever I mention this and start saying stuff.
Everyone jumps in and they have their own point of view on who should win.
It's actually pretty popular.
People really respond to it more than I ever thought they would.
I was walking through Costco and I'm sitting there in the produce section looking at some
produce and I'm like, man, what the fuck?
What would happen if one of these plums jumped up and just started kicking the shit out of
an orange?
And it began from there.
So I was like, you know, this is something we need to take on the broadcast.
I can answer that one.
Who would win?
The orange has a thicker coating.
Yes, and the plum is rather mushy and the orange could jump on-
That's where we come in.
Yes.
So this is dessert.
We've never done desserts before, Rob.
Oh, yeah, this is going to be good.
Yeah, this is interesting.
So the first one is creme brulee versus marshmallow fluff.
I could not come up with an angle on this when I wrote it.
I didn't put a whole lot of thought to it because I wanted to hash it out on the show.
Creme brulee, I think, is tougher than marshmallow fluff.
And you know why?
It's caramelized.
You like that bitch on fire.
I think by the time you light it on fire, it's good.
You're going right where I was.
The fire would melt.
A lot of it is marshmallow.
Yes.
So yeah, you light the creme brulee on fire, it would melt the marshmallow.
Yes, yeah, and it would caramelize it and make it taste wonderful.
Now, once you first make a marshmallow fluff, it's thicker.
Yes, but I thought of that.
But you light it on fire, it's done.
Yes, yeah, so creme brulee is designed to be lit on fire to be caramelized,
and marshmallow fluff isn't, so when it's on fire,
the creme brulee would jump on the marshmallow fluff and melt it into nothing.
Yeah.
Okay, so we're going creme brulee.
And also, DoucheB66 at yahoo.com.
If you want to dispute any of these, feel free.
We're all ears.
We will listen to any order.
You want to say anything?
Yes, anything at all.
Send us some emails.
We want to hear from our listeners.
Yes, and Montrose, keep them coming.
We got another Montrose one.
Oh, by the way, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, there is something I do have to say.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you told me.
To a couple people.
And also.
I'm getting, I'm looking for a radiator for a 99 Dodge Dakota.
So I'm getting ready to go to a solid yard.
So while I'm there, I'm going to be looking for the 72 Coupe de Ville bumper.
There you go.
I'm going to be looking for the rear quarter, was it right rear?
Quarter panel for a Chevy Vega.
Quarter panel for the Vega.
And was it a 78?
I think it's a 78 Chevy Vega and a 72 Coupe de Ville, right?
No, the 79.
78, 79 Vega, they're all the same.
They're the same thing.
The quarter panel will be the same.
And also.
It's just as long as I get the Coupe de Ville right, because those change.
Yes, they do.
Coupe de Ville's changed year to year drastically.
But no, I'm looking, I know you guys are on my mind while I'm helping my friend going to get a radiator for a 99 Dakota.
There you go.
We're a full service podcast, guys.
Full service.
Can't beat that.
What other podcast finds bumpers for you?
And I'm probably going to be doing that tomorrow in the freezing rain.
So.
Yeah.
All right.
Well.
I take care of you guys.
At least I will be indoors working.
I can say that much.
So.
No, I'm not getting paid for this.
No, no, no.
I'm just saying.
You know, I just complained about having to go in early.
OK.
I have a Wiener Hut review.
Oh, awesome.
I've been dying to hear.
Yes.
Let me finish these first.
OK.
Yeah.
Let's do the battles.
Yeah, we're going to finish the battles.
Once again, like we do.
We're going to do the battles and then I'm going to go into Wiener Hut review because
Rob is the one that found this online and you want to know about the barbecue hot dog,
right?
Yes.
Well, let's get to that stuff on the food.
Let's get that over with.
I want to hear about my Wieners.
OK.
Next one.
Cherry Danish versus Apple Turnover.
I don't really have a feeling on that one.
Apple Turnover.
OK.
Why is that?
It's a heavier dough.
It's OK.
The cherry.
Yeah.
And you got a cherry.
You said cherry Danish, right?
Cherry Danish versus an Apple Turnover.
OK.
Well, the cherry Danish, the cherry in the middle would give way and it would collapse.
Yeah.
And the cherry is on top where the turnover is like wrapped in a dough.
Yeah.
And it's just chunks.
It's like a big old brick.
Yeah.
So like this burrito-like turnover could smash the shit out of a Danish and there's nothing
a Danish could do, right?
No.
It's like a food pocket.
Yeah.
OK.
Which comes to the old saying.
It'll collapse.
Is an Apple Turnover basically a hot pocket with apple in it?
No.
Not an Apple Turnover.
Oh.
Wait a second.
Yeah.
Is it a hot pocket?
No.
OK.
See, I was taking Apple Fritter.
Apple.
Oh.
OK.
Apple Turnover.
Not Apple Turnover.
Cherry Danish.
I still think an Apple Turnover.
No.
OK.
I think the cherry Danish would jump on top.
OK.
Well, go ahead.
Why is that?
I think the cherry, well, yeah, the turnover would be more hollow than the Danish would
be.
The Danish would just hollow in the middle of the top.
Oh.
I see what you're saying.
Actually, you're right.
You're right.
Cherry Danish it is?
Yeah.
OK.
Next one.
Surprisingly, even though I don't like cherries.
Oh, I love cherries.
But anyhow, that's neither here nor there.
I'm more apple.
I was rooting for that.
I'll take it.
You wanted apple fritter.
I was taking Apple Fritter.
It was scorching.
Well, here's the deal.
I wrote this out and you had me thinking Apple Fritter too.
Yeah.
Well, I never got it.
No, that's exactly what I was thinking too.
I wrote it down.
I'm like, wait a minute.
We are talking about a fritter.
So anyhow.
Yeah.
We're talking about the pocket which we put.
Yeah.
So cool.
Next one.
It's like a cave.
It'll cave in.
Yep.
Next one.
Chocolate pudding versus vanilla custard.
I think custard is thicker than pudding, isn't it?
I believe it is.
It has a thicker consistency.
So okay.
I got this one.
Okay.
Frozen custard.
Oh, yep.
Custard it is.
Have you ever heard of frozen pudding?
No.
Nope.
I don't even know.
My favorite is chocolate pudding.
Chocolate pudding is fucking awesome.
Sorry.
No, it's all right.
That's fine.
No, no.
There is frozen custard.
Yes.
Yep.
Yeah.
Which is very good by the way.
Have you ever been to Andy's frozen custard?
We have quite a few of them up here now.
Yeah.
No, no.
We have one down here in Oakley Beach.
Yeah.
And it's pretty damn good really.
Yeah.
We actually have one of those.
Okay.
Cool.
That's good.
Yeah.
Osage Beach will be a great place to have one, especially during the summer.
So one of those 105 degree days on the lake.
Everyone's up there at Andy's I bet.
So the next one.
No.
I'm staying at home in my AC.
I can't blame you.
Next one, blueberry pancake versus Belgian waffle.
I think a pancake is heavier.
Belgian waffle.
Okay.
Why is that?
The blueberry would allow leaks.
The Belgian waffle is solid.
Yeah.
Oh.
The blueberry has imprints in it.
Yeah.
You know what?
No, no, no.
You're right.
Either one.
Yeah.
No, Rob.
You were right.
The blueberry would allow holes in it if you can get through those holes.
And it would go down in it.
A Belgian waffle has those imprints on it, right?
They're very strong.
So I agree with you after you said that.
A Belgian waffle would get up on a pancake and potentially smash it and the blueberries
would run everywhere.
So that would make the Belgian waffle the winner immediately, right?
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
It's the same difference between a smooth day, San-Erin or, you know.
Okay.
All right.
You know what?
Belgian waffle it is.
You're right.
It's how big the fuck is.
Yeah.
Well, besides that, we all know Belgian waffles have an attitude.
You don't fucking look at one wrong.
It'll come after you.
It'll flat come after you.
And blueberry's fruity.
Yes.
Belgian, you're all on it.
Belgian is looking in the mirror and kissing his muscles and blueberry is over there trying
to organize his dresser.
Is that it?
Yep.
Okay.
Yep.
There we go.
Next one.
Apple fritter versus lemon cake.
Apple fritter.
Apple fritter because everything that we just said about a fritter that we thought we were
talking about.
But we're actually talking about a fucking turnover.
That my friend.
That was a fucking cave in the middle of it.
No.
That my friend is the power of suggestion.
Just think we talked that one out.
Oh, I know.
That is the power of suggestion, Rob.
You suggested that it was a fritter and I was sitting here looking at my sheet and it
was a fritter.
You just suggested it.
Pretty cool.
Okay.
Next one.
I love this one.
Raspberry zinger versus a custard filled long john.
Okay.
Repeat that.
Raspberry zinger.
Do you remember them?
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Versus custard filled long john because I don't think they sell zingers anymore, do
you?
Long john.
Long john?
Yeah.
Reason being, the dough on the long john was thicker.
Yes.
And filled with custard was heavy.
And a zinger was like a twinkie.
It was like sponge.
Yeah.
Oh, and I've got one stipulation too.
Okay.
If the long john was filled with whipped cream, I think the raspberry zinger would win.
But because it's filled with this heavy custard, that would make the custard filled long john
much heavier and stronger to beat the shit out of the kind of spongy raspberry zinger,
right?
Okay.
You have a good point there.
Yeah.
Well, this is a custard filled long john, so it will win.
But I just want to...
I have an idea.
Okay.
Let's send this one to Tofer.
Okay.
We ain't heard from Tofer in a while.
You know what?
You're right.
Hang on.
Let me make sure we got...
Yeah, yeah.
We need to bother him in a while.
Okay.
We need him on this.
Okay.
Well, if not, get back a little later on that one.
Okay.
You're right.
I'll send this one to Tofer.
Okay.
We need to bother him in a while.
Okay.
We need him on this.
Okay.
Well, if not, get back a little later on that one.
Okay.
Should we do...
We're going to do the custard filled long john, right?
Versus the raspberry zinger, not the whipped cream one.
Well, no.
You got to tell him you added the whipped cream, not the custard.
I'll put both of them in there.
Because I'm for the custard.
I'm for the custard too, so anyhow.
I will send that off to Tofer, and we will let him decide.
That's a great idea, Rob.
Yeah.
Okay.
The next one, chocolate fudge versus strawberry shortcake.
Chocolate fudge.
Because it's solid.
And strawberry shortcake.
Yeah, strawberry shortcake is a cake which you could...
Spongy.
Yeah, spongy.
You could put your finger through it.
It crumbles easy.
Fudge is heavy.
It's kind of tough.
It's uniform.
It's square shape alone could jump on the strawberry shortcake and go right through it, right?
Yeah, strawberry shortcake.
Yeah.
I mean, it's a person.
Yep.
In my mind.
My opinion.
You know what?
In my opinion also, Rob, I think that the chocolate fudge would easily take down the strawberry shortcake.
I think any of our listeners would agree.
I think so too.
I think that's a pretty easy one there.
Pretty safe.
All right.
The next one up is a cinnamon roll versus a vanilla cheesecake.
Okay.
Now, let's think about this.
I know what the obvious answer is, right?
The obvious answer is a cinnamon roll.
Yeah.
But I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
Me too.
There's another angle to this.
I'm adding different ingredients.
Mm-hmm.
So we have the crust.
We have the cheesecake.
Then on top of it, the vanilla cheesecake.
What does that have on top of it?
Is that just by itself?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just, yeah, there's no topping.
Just the crust and the ingredients and the, yeah.
I think I'm going to have to still go with the cinnamon roll.
Just because there is nothing on top of the cheesecake.
I know the crust below it might be tough, but if you jump on the actual liquid that
is in it, not liquid, but the actual filling, you could go right through it, right?
Mark, you must be tired.
Why?
I am tired, by the way.
I worked all night.
Why?
Yeah, no, I can tell because you didn't even catch us.
Oh, what is it?
The cinnamon roll would unwrap itself, wrap itself around the cheesecake and soak it out.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man, you're right.
Come on, dude.
All right.
I apologize.
I am tired as hell.
You are tired.
I can tell.
I am not firing on all cylinders.
I know this.
Hey, hey, that's why you pay me so well.
I got you that.
That is right.
Yes.
Yep.
You pay me very well, by the way.
That's right.
Just let people know.
Well, that's how come you took care of Jeffy X is because...
That was your money to pay for it.
There we go.
If I broke the law, I would still owe him like 70 hookers and 10 pounds of blow, but
I don't break the law, so I'm just going to have to get it back.
No, we don't do that.
Yeah, we don't do that.
No, we don't.
We don't support it.
We don't do it, but if we did...
We are law abiding citizens, believe it or not.
Yep.
But if we did go to be...
Okay, back in the 80s, we were not, but today we are.
But today we have to be because we're growing up and have to do adult shit.
Yeah, we're in our mid-50s.
Yes, and we may think of doing stuff like that still, but it doesn't mean we will.
We have the idea.
Yeah, we have the idea, or we just don't have the idea.
On a really quick note, and I want to find out if this happened to you too.
Okay, I was sitting there at a concert, right, and it was at the Beaumont Club, and I wanted
to go down...
Yeah, I've been at the Beaumont Club a few times when it first opened.
They have the band in the bottom of it, right?
Yeah.
Okay, so I could get to the front row, but I got to go through a mosh pit, and I got
to go through a bunch of crazy fans, which wasn't a problem with me back then, but I
was saying about hurting myself and not being able to go to work for a month.
So I was afraid.
That's on my mind every time I do anything.
Yes.
Doesn't it suck?
It's like, man, I want to...
I can't.
Okay, yeah, you're talking about being in a club, in a mosh pit.
Yeah.
I'm talking about walking out my door.
No, no, no, me too.
I know what you're saying.
Anything I do, I injure myself, I can't go to work.
I can't support myself.
The same here.
And that's when I realized, I'm like, oh shit, I'm officially...
That means we're getting old.
Yeah, I'm an adult first, because it used to be like, I'll go through that mosh pit,
I'm going to beat the shit out of everyone near me, I'm going to get up to the front
row, I'm going to flip off the band, I'm going to go nuts, then I'm going to walk back out
of the fucking mosh pit.
If anyone gets in my way, if I have to piss, I'll fucking piss on them.
But now I'm like, oh man, I don't know, man.
What if they hit my fake knee?
What if I got to get another operation?
You know, I mean, it's a weird deal when you start thinking like that, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
It's scary.
All right, we have two more here.
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay, lime jello versus orange sherbet.
Lime jello.
And that's just because...
Orange sherbet and milk.
Yep.
Sherbet and ice cream, milk.
Yep.
Gonna do it for you.
And then finally, I love this matchup, and this is the last one.
Tiramisu versus a chocolate chip cannoli.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
You want to take that one to Topher, too?
Because I really don't have a feeling on this one.
Oh, they're both badass.
Yeah.
I'm gonna say the cannoli.
I almost want to give it to the cannoli.
And the only reason I want to give it to the cannoli...
Because I'm thinking about the opponent.
Who?
Tiramisu has alcohol in it.
Yes.
Yeah.
So I think, okay, I change everything.
I don't care about the shell.
Tiramisu is gonna get drunk on the alcohol and just start swinging wildly and beat the
shit out of the cannoli.
The chocolate chip cannoli isn't gonna have as much into it as the Tiramisu, because the
Tiramisu is on a fucking powered drunk, and it's madder than a...
Okay, but put me here.
Okay.
And cannoli may not have flour in it.
Yes.
Okay, well that alcohol is gonna get in that flour and puff that up even more.
Uh-huh.
So you're gonna give it to the cannoli.
Yeah, I'm giving it to the cannoli, because the alcohol...
You know what, Rob?
You're right.
...is gonna soak into the flour and the cannoli and make it even more of a badass.
And now we have a Hall of Famer.
You know what?
You're right.
Okay.
Chocolate chip cannoli wins that battle.
You're right, Rob.
Rob, I'm not firing on all cylinders.
I'm not catching this shit.
So, anyhow, let's take our second break, and then we'll come back with some more bullshit.
Does that sound good?
Yeah.
All right.
That was great.
We'll talk to you guys here in a minute.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Sheep sorrel and wood sorrel are salad variety greens, reminiscent of romaine types of lettuce.
They are both healthy and delicious.
Vinegar and oil can be stored for a long period of time, so post-apocalypse salad is possible.
It can also be ground for a tasty spice as well.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
That needs to happen.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper, it's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Mate, you'll forever feel yourself in a library, and the pocket is not even there.
Two ass bags and a box of Cheez-Its will be right back.
Break shit house energy drink.
That's right.
Break shit house energy drink.
Make men feel good.
You want to have balls?
You want to fuck shit up?
You want to fuck us?
Break shit house energy drink is for you.
Please enjoy break shit house energy drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere.
Because of liability issues.
Two douche bags and microphone, my name is Mark.
And my name is Rob.
Alright.
Alright Rob, you had something you wanted to get to a little bit ago, but you said it was going to take a minute to get it.
Are you ready for it?
Yeah, I'm not ready for that, so I'm going to throw in another little quick one.
Okay, that's cool.
Do you know the military word click?
I'm not sure about its meaning, but yes.
Click as in distance.
Yes.
Think distance. The military, okay, click is distance.
I think a lot of people have heard that but didn't understand exactly what it meant.
They go, hey, that's three clicks.
People think of something else when they hear that, I think.
No, it's an actual military way of distance.
And I have three different ways you can figure out how many clicks it is.
Uh huh.
Yeah, it's a real quick story here.
Okay, go ahead.
The military click is a way to express the distance of one kilometer or about 0.62 miles.
Okay?
Okay.
I'm going to bring it down right here. Here's the conversion.
Okay.
Military click diversion.
One kilometer, I said it's one click equivalent to one kilometer.
Uh huh.
Okay?
Uh huh.
One click is approximately equivalent to 0.62 miles.
Okay.
So just over a half mile.
Okay.
One click is equivalent to approximately 3,280.84 feet.
Wow.
I ride across that.
That's pretty cool.
Well, my dad was in the Navy during Vietnam.
Uh huh.
So yeah, that kind of interested me.
I just wondered.
Yeah.
Because that's a common word.
Yeah, no, it is.
I'm glad you did that.
I've got an interesting article here.
Yeah, I do.
A few hotel chains got together, right?
Yeah.
And they did a little survey.
The most items left in a hotel room followed by the most odd items, the most popular odd
items that are left in a hotel room.
So this is the most common items.
And then the items that are, what the hell?
The top ones, the, of them, they gave two.
And there's some interesting shit on here, Rob.
Okay.
Alright.
So let me just figure, most commonly left item in a hotel room are phone chargers.
I think everybody has lost a phone charger in.
That should be number one.
It is number one.
Yeah, that's number one.
But this is of the common items.
This is just the everyday items, okay?
This isn't the odd items.
Okay?
So that don't include vibrators?
Um, that actually did not make the list.
It is down there in a way.
Of course.
Everyone's going to take them with them.
They're not going to forget them.
You're right.
Okay, next one.
Beachwear.
Or men.
Whoever you are.
Hey, you know what?
If that's what you're into.
I'm not president.
We're not here to judge if that's what you like.
No, no, not at all.
We support you if that's what you like.
No big deal.
So, beachwear is the second most common item left.
I can see that hanging up in the bathroom drying out.
Yeah, yeah, and then they like leave and then they're on the plane.
Honestly, I see this, yes.
I do too.
The next one, and I thought this would have been higher than beachwear and even phone
chargers, is toothbrushes.
Toothbrushes is number three that was left in hotel rooms.
Okay, but see, I can kind of see that as a big deal.
Yeah.
Yeah, you can always stop by a new toothbrush, but there are a lot of picky people out there.
That's my toothbrush.
It goes everywhere.
Yeah, I agree with you, Rob.
Even though you've got to realize, you do have to change them every now and then.
Well, here's the deal.
Here's why I thought toothbrushes be higher.
Okay, it's like, oh shit, it's 11 o'clock.
We're supposed to be out of here.
I don't want to have the room any longer or, oh shit, our flight is leaving in two hours.
We're 20 minutes late.
Yeah, we're getting out of here.
Yeah, and that's why I see toothbrushes being left there.
That's the only reason, because of the oh shit factor.
Oh shit, man, we've got to get.
So, okay, the next one...
Oh shit, we woke up at 9.45 and check out the chance.
Yes, yeah.
So that's why I thought toothbrushes would be left.
But anyhow, it doesn't matter.
Anyhow, the next one will be glasses.
And I definitely see that.
And I'll tell you why they're not higher on the list.
Oh yeah.
A lot of people cannot see without them.
So.
Okay, well, if you're like me, you use cheaters.
I do too.
I use readers.
I use, yeah.
And I don't need that all the time.
Yeah, I have a stop file just in case.
Because I leave them everywhere.
Me too.
Just saying.
That's what you do.
That's what I know for a fact.
Yeah.
The next one is watches.
And I can see that a lot of people take their watch off at night, you know.
And then put it on, maybe they don't want to put it on the counter, so they put it in the drawer.
Because they don't want to put it on the counter because they might knock it off when they're reaching for their phone.
So I can see that.
So.
And then finally.
Yeah, I can too even though I have not worn a watch in years because I own a cell phone.
The sixth most common item and the last one that I put on here is electronics of any kind.
That would be from phones to laptops to tablets to little video games.
All of that whole stuff.
Electronics umbrella.
And that would be, that would round out.
Number six.
OK, well let's see.
I don't see that one.
Not in today's society.
I don't see that one.
I do.
You know how many tablets.
I think everybody would make sure all electronics above closed anything else.
Wouldn't that be when you left.
I've left so many.
This is an electronic driven world.
I've left so many tablets when I used to go out of town to work a lot.
Yes, I have.
One the companies and then two or three were mine.
Personal.
And here's what I had to do though.
I called up the hotel and they saved it for me.
And if I wasn't going to go back to that job anytime soon, I would tell them send it to me.
C.O.D. and they will.
And you would pay for it.
Yes.
And they would do it.
So I mean, I think that like a lot of people forget the tablets.
Like let's say I'm taking a dump, right?
And it's like, I want to go over those blueprints again, take a look at it.
Everything was kind of fucked up today.
So I go there.
I sit on the stool and I'm looking at the blueprints.
OK.
And then all of a sudden you get a knock at the door.
Then it's either a guy you work with or maybe the hotel staff or something.
So then you put that you put that tablet inside the bathroom and it just sits there.
OK.
And then you go and start doing other things.
Then in the morning you're running late.
So you don't go into the bathroom to go check for everything.
So you leave and the tablets there.
And then there's other cases.
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe it's just me.
But I left plenty of tablets at the hotel so I could see electrons.
OK.
Here are the top four of the odd items.
These are odd common items.
These are odd items that show up fairly reasonable amount to make them notable.
OK.
The first one is dentures.
Wouldn't you think, Rob, wouldn't you think that someone would like be like, know that
they didn't have her teeth in?
How the hell are you going to miss your damn dentures?
That's what I say.
Come on.
This is just common sense here.
Yeah.
I don't get that at all.
When I read it, I'm like, wait a minute.
Like, you know what?
I'll talk this out with Rob and see if maybe there's a side to this.
You're either drinking too much or doing too much drugs.
That's it right there.
Or too senile.
I don't know.
See, you got to think about older people.
You're right.
You got to kind of give them a little.
You know what?
You're right.
If it's due to drugs or alcohol, you're on your own, dude.
I would say probably.
Yeah.
Probably.
Old people like kind of.
Well, that's still, that's still good.
Come on.
I don't know.
This was number one.
I'm just giving my opinion.
This was number one.
So a lot of dentures are left, Rob.
It's not just.
Wow.
This is number one of the odd items.
Yeah.
The next one.
Wow.
And you tell me how this happens, Rob.
You tell me how this happens.
Limb prosthetics.
I probably can't.
Limb prosthetics.
You just lost me with dentures.
Limb prosthetics.
Someone forgot their fucking fake leg or someone forgot their fucking.
Hell no.
How in the hell does that happen?
Hell no.
No, no, no.
You're about to get on the plane and you're like, oh shit, my arm.
Where the fuck is my leg?
Damn it.
I knew I was forgetting something, Hop went out of the hotel.
Like I said, there was drugs or alcohol involved.
It's got to be.
So this is number two of the odd items.
I cannot believe we're doing this.
So this is not, this is not like just a one-off incident.
This is.
This is an actual list he came up with.
Yeah.
You can look this up on the internet.
You can put up odd, weird items left in hotels.
There's several of them, but this is the one that was, this is the one that was done by like Hilton and Radisson and all that.
My understanding, if I read correctly what this was, it's my understanding.
I love this statement, Mark.
I love this statement.
It's pretty cool.
The next one.
You got me rolling.
This next one is odd and I don't, I don't, I just don't know.
Witchcraft items.
So would that be like spell potions and stuff?
Like, I don't know, a rad head and fucking a goad eye or something?
What is.
I asked somebody I could ask.
Ask them.
Ask them what witchcraft items is because I'm dying to know.
Well, I don't know that.
Yeah, that was okay.
Because I used to watch.
Oh, what was that show?
About the three young witches.
Oh shit.
Charmed.
Yeah, Charles.
Yeah.
I would say potion wise.
Anything.
Okay.
I would say anything you could put into a potion from what you just said.
Okay.
All right.
I can go with that.
Okay, well this person would not be able to answer that.
So.
Okay.
I don't go that deep.
Okay.
Or more Wiccan.
Oh, Wiccan.
Okay, that's, no, they probably.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's more like trees.
Totally two different things.
Trees and nature and kind of druidism and stuff like that.
Yeah.
And then.
Yeah.
I'm guessing you're talking potions.
Yeah, yeah.
Wiccan.
I know some Wiccans and they like, they're like kind of like tree worship druid stuff
if I remember correctly.
Yeah, yeah.
I haven't talked to them in a long time.
Druid.
That's a good word for that, druid.
Yeah.
So yeah, I mean I haven't talked to them in a long time but I knew some supposed Wiccans.
They said they were at least.
So I don't know what you have to exactly do in life to be a Wiccan but they said that
that's what they were so anyhow.
I can get you the answer.
Okay.
Next podcast.
Oh, are you doing this?
I'm just talking to the person.
Okay, just talk.
See how he feels.
Okay, if he feels like answering it, we would love to know and we're not making fun of him.
We just want to know.
You better not, Mark.
No, let him know.
Let him know we're.
He's known to this show.
Okay.
We're not making fun of him.
We just want to know.
Okay.
The next one, the last one, the fourth one of Odd Ones, clown costumes.
Any thoughts at all, Rob?
Clown costumes is number four.
I don't really have a reply for that.
Why in the world would someone bring a clown costume with it and leave it and leave it?
Maybe they're like, I don't know, maybe they're going to a costume party, right?
No.
Okay.
No.
Here it is, I got the answer to that.
Okay, let's hear it.
There are clowns for profession.
Come on, man.
You know you have a better.
Okay, so.
And it dawns on you in mid-flight, I can do better than this.
And you leave the costume behind, you leave everybody, everything behind you.
Okay.
Come on, man, you're bombed to the barrel of your, I'm sorry to anybody that's a clown
for a profession.
I don't know, some make good money.
I think they're actually, we make fun of it, but I think there is.
They do better than I do, probably.
I think there is good money in it, honestly, because people hire them, they even take them,
like the reason they're in the hotels is because they transported them.
They paid for the transportation on a plane or whatever to get this particular clown,
you know, and also.
Yeah, and you leave your damn outfit behind.
Yeah.
And there's different variations of it too, Rob, because I'm involved in several planets.
Well, wait a second, if they're applying you as a clown and you leave your outfit behind,
we could also add alcohol and or drugs to that one.
You know what?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And tell me after you just don't.
You're leaving your tools behind.
Yes.
At that point.
So after dealing with a bunch of little snot-nose fuckers that long and they're screaming at
you going, I want a rabbit balloon.
I'm done.
Exactly.
He went back to the hotel and he smashed fucking five or six fists and he left his clown suit.
He woke up late and he's like, oh shit, my flight leaves in an hour.
I need to get to the damn, you know, so he grabs everything.
His clown suit was in the corner because that's where he left it when he was crying himself
to sleep with a fifth of vodka.
Right.
Possibly a pistol in his hand.
Probably a pistol in his hand, but he didn't have enough nerve to do it right.
I've seen movies about that.
Yeah, there's a really, there's a really good movie about that.
You go to a kids show and you end up putting a pistol in your head.
Fucking eating and eating and eating the bullet after that.
You have to look at life and go, OK, is this bottom of the barrel?
Bottom of the barrel, dude.
This is as bad as it gets.
I accept it.
I must, I must end this.
I must end this tragedy right now.
So anyhow, now my opinion.
Yeah.
When I have to put on more makeup than my old lady, I'm done.
I think we're going to leave this podcast just like that.
This podcast is over and Rob has the final statement.
Thank you guys for listening.
We love you. Have a great night.
Good night, everybody.
Hey, where did everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.