Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
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Hey look, I think we've found land. Oh my god, I think we're safe.
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Now, from this underground bunker encamped in Missouri, stock-full of dried guts, canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys, is rambling some madman featuring Rob Rant.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong walking.
The next rambling feature, strange insults from an alien.
May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room, wait five minutes, and scream, Hey, there's no toilet paper in here.
Hello everybody, this is Two Douchebags and Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, well Rob took the time, and I thank him very much, the great Don, Tony Orlando, and Don Caper that we spoke about on the last podcast.
We didn't know what happened to Don because he was talking about Tony Orlando, and we didn't know what happened to Don. Well, I think Rob has the answers about Don.
I have the answer.
Alright, Rob has the answer.
And actually, it was simple, I just looked them up. I googled them and pulled them up on Wikipedia.
But, just nice expecting. You were, the way you were talking, you were thinking Don was one person?
Yes, that's what I thought.
Don was two people. They were a duo.
I remember watching Tony Orlando and Don on TV. There was Tony Orlando and two women.
Oh, okay, I got you.
And then I met Tony Orlando through Jim Baker's new TV show in Branson, Missouri. Yes, the Jim Baker's televangelists.
You see, I thought one was Don and one was a backup singer. I had no idea they were both Don. Interesting.
No, that was their name, Don, was both of them.
Okay, now it makes sense. I thought one of them was Don and one of them was a backup singer. I thought I didn't know. I was like, okay, whatever.
Okay, on this one, it doesn't give much information. You can look them up. Anybody can just google them and look them up.
Yep. Okay, the first one's name was Joyce Vincent Wilson is an American singer best known as part of the group Tony Orlando and Don.
Okay.
And this one don't give much. This don't say much about it.
Okay.
But here's the interesting one.
Okay.
The other person in Don.
And this is, yeah, this is a little bit here.
Okay.
Kelma Louise Hopkins is an American actress and pop singer. Hopkins rose to prominence as a member of the pop group Tony Orlando and Don. Okay.
She had several number one songs. She also performed on the CBS variety show Tony Orlando and Don from 1974 to 1976.
Okay.
Along with Tony Orlando and Joyce Vincent Wilson. That's the TV show that us old bogeys are talking about, remember?
Just look it up if you're younger or don't even know anything about him. I don't know what age would be the stop for the Tony Orlando and Don show, but if you don't know about him, just look it up.
Yeah. Yep.
Okay, keep going.
Okay.
In the late 1970s, Hopkins began working as an actress.
Okay.
Playing roles on various sitcoms, including Isabel Hammond on Booze and Buddies from 1980 to 1982.
Okay.
You remember that show?
Yeah, I sure do. Tom Hanks got his start.
That really wasn't our type of show, but yeah, Tom Hanks.
Tom Hanks got his start and then I think he bought all the episodes. If this is true what I read, he bought all the episodes because he didn't want that out because he was dressing in drag because the apartment complex only allowed females, if I remember correctly.
Yeah, yeah.
And there's only one they could afford or get, so they had to dress up like females.
Okay.
She also played Adelaide Addie Wilson on Give Me a Break 1983 to 1987.
Okay.
Now a lot more people would know that one.
I know this show all too well.
Okay.
She also played on Family Matters.
I'll be damned.
Which is a show with Steve Urkel, 1989 to 1997 as Rachel Baines Crawford.
If you know that show, Aunt Rachel.
Is Dawn. One of the Dawns.
Half a Dawn.
How?
She's also starred in different movies like Are We There Yet, Partners, Trancers, Trancers 2, Trancers 3, The Wood and The Love Guru.
Rob, great work.
That's pretty cool.
That shocked me.
Me too.
I did not know she was Aunt Rachel on Family Matters.
Okay, it got me on a lot of different ways.
I didn't know there was two Dawns and also I didn't know that one of the Dawns became fairly prominent.
Excellent Rob, thank you.
She's the one that, actually I think she made it bigger than Tony Orlando did.
Probably so.
Probably so because Tony Orlando, after the Variety Show went away, so did he.
I mean, you didn't hear from him.
Well, honestly that's what got us talking about because he just retired.
Yeah.
That's what got us on.
He just retired.
Well, it's a niche thing.
He either liked him or he didn't and if he didn't, you didn't look him up.
I mean, I didn't listen to any station obviously that ever promoted him because I never heard once of him coming by Kansas City and I'm sure he had to have.
So anyhow, interesting stuff.
Anyhow, thank you Rob.
Great sleuth work there.
Alright, I got a little interesting thing here.
There's great news for exquisite couples out there.
Barilla, the pasta company, is bringing back its heart shaped pasta.
How about that?
Alright.
Well, because of this, Jeffy X has uncovered other heart shaped items.
Jeffy, oh by the way.
Yes?
Jeffy came by.
Jeffy X did?
He got his Christmas present for me.
He got his embroidered underwear with a special Steven Piercy of rat pouch on the inside.
The flying bat suit.
He wore it home, didn't he?
He wore it out, didn't he?
Yeah, he'd go home in it.
I knew he would.
And his second favorite was the bat suit.
The flying bat suit.
Just like we thought.
And then embroidered underwear, he can wear that going out if he wants to fill that front pouch up.
No, he stayed where he lives.
There's a lot of high canyons and stuff.
Yeah, he turns on using that bat suit.
Alright, great.
So, Jeffy X in true fashion.
He's a great guy.
We would have to be getting us all this information.
So, Jeffy X has uncovered other heart shaped items that failed the focus panels in testing.
Well, the first one, Jeffy X always uncovers this stuff.
Jeffy X, like I said, I owe him a bunch of stuff.
If I was to do something illegal, I would buy him a bunch of hookers and blow.
But I don't do anything illegal, so I will hand him money when he comes by.
But Jeffy X is our sleuth.
He uncovers the new douche flavors and all of this stuff that's going on.
He does everything for us.
Yeah, he sneaks into these focus panels and he brings us the information that we're not supposed to know.
He's a bigger part of this show than we are.
I know. Yeah.
Matter of fact, people call themselves after him.
Montrose, there's a Jeffy there named after Jeffy X.
There are several other emails for Jeffy X.
By the way, I got to control our auto parts people after a while.
Okay, cool. They want that 72 Coupe DeVille bumper bat.
I'll come find him here after a while.
Okay. Well, Jeffy X has uncovered other sharp heart-shaped items that failed the focus panels.
Heart-shaped dildos did not work.
Women cited it was too uncomfortable.
Well, I get the answer. Who are you?
Well, these ones, I guess, heart-shaped dildos didn't do it.
It didn't work. So they said it was too uncomfortable.
So we understand that.
Part of that, a dildo would probably be pleasure.
Them shaped like a heart, I guess, just didn't fit very well, shall we say?
Okay. Well, I still say they need to take another different panel.
You know, I don't know where they get these people, but they do.
You make double sides on one end. Think about it.
Yeah, you know, I don't do these panels. I don't know. Jeffy X is one that I don't know.
Was this an older panel or a younger panel?
I don't know.
Oh, I'm saying.
Okay, gotcha. Okay, the next one is heart-shaped butt plugs. It was a no-go as well.
I think I could probably understand that, you know?
Yeah, well, if you flip it over pointy end and you got something to grab a hold of, pull it back out.
I guess, yeah. I don't know, you know. Maybe they just got a bunch of prudes to do this focus panel. I don't know.
I think they were looking at the double-ended point.
I think you're right.
That's the problem with both these so far.
Yep. Well, the next one that failed was heart-shaped tampons. They didn't seem to work either.
They're looking at the other end.
I know, I know, Rob. I know.
It's going to wedge in.
I know, I know. Look, I don't think anyone's there to explain to them the true uses of this.
So, you know, they just probably gave them all out there and said, hey, check this out, see if it works.
And then they all came back and said, it don't work.
And honestly, I just had this sudden weird feeling come over me.
Yeah?
Because I'm defending a heart and the asshole and the vagina.
That's what happens on this show, Rob. That's what happens on this show.
Reduce back. I told you.
The next one that failed was heart-shaped crack pipes. Failed the focus panels, too.
Seems they're too hard to lip one and they're horrible on the gun line, too.
So, I guess, you know...
I'd say a double-hitter.
That's what I thought, but no. Uh-uh. Who wouldn't like a double-hitter crack?
It gets right on the trigger.
Yeah. I mean, it's smooth, delicious crack in two barrels.
I'd say pass that one on.
Yeah, I guess so. I guess so.
Let them weed themselves out.
So, the next one was heart-shaped ammo. It was a failure, as well.
I guess when you're getting ready to mow down people, your counterpart in a rival gang or whatever, no one wanted to load a bunch of hearts.
I think I get that.
Well, okay. Okay. Well, think at this point.
Okay.
You stick a heart in a gun barrel.
In a barrel, that's right. It would backfire and hit you.
So, you put the point towards the firing pin.
Uh-huh.
And your head is split.
Okay. Okay.
You're going to miss your target.
Unless you're a bad shot to begin with.
And actually hit him.
This is the first one that made any sense, then.
Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that one.
Okay. The next one is heart-shaped false teeth. It was not received well.
I say why not?
You don't think your mouth will...
Yeah.
Yeah, you know what? You're right. You're right.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Wait a second. I have to defend that one.
Okay. Go ahead.
Eighty-year-olds need Valentine's Day, too.
You know what? You're right, Rob. How dare these people deny an eighty-year-old of a heart-shaped mouth on Valentine's Day.
Yeah.
They're cruel people.
We're coming up on it. Which, by the way...
Yeah?
This coming Valentine's Day...
Yep?
February 14th, and today is January 20th...
Uh-huh.
...will be my seventh anniversary at work.
All right.
Valentine's Day is my anniversary. To my work.
Congratulations, Rob.
That is me.
The next one, heart-shaped dentist drills. Didn't make the list. I think any dentist drill probably.
I agree with that one. I agree.
Yeah. Yep.
I don't like dentists, anyway.
Yeah. Yep. Every time I go there, it involves pain. They're not my favorite.
Especially if you pull out a drill and then you pull out a double-headed drill.
No, you ain't touching me.
Okay. Then next, the new heart-shaped Tesla. It was a flop. Not very aerodynamic, it turns out.
So, I, you know, I think I get that.
Yeah.
Yeah. Doesn't go through the air very well, you know. It kind of slows down because it's heart-shaped.
So, the next one, the next one really bothers me.
They want to do a heart-shaped paddle for invisible ass-paddling, and it failed.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Repeat that.
They wanted to do a heart-shaped paddle for invisible ass-paddling, and it failed.
Who did?
The focus, whoever wanted to make this, whoever the maker was that took it to the focus panel.
They wanted to do a heart-shaped paddle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. They wanted to do an ass-paddling?
They wanted to do a heart-shaped paddle for us for invisible ass-paddling.
Well, how did they know that?
I don't know. I don't know. That's the question. You're going to have to ask Jeffy X.
I don't think he even knows. He's turning to high.
They must listen to us.
Damn.
I know. The next one was heart-shaped footballs for the NFL.
Might as well.
Yeah, why not? Yeah, it could get even worse.
I'm going to try not doing the football tonight.
Right now, an interesting game is on. I'm trying to watch C.J. Stroud because he's coming off to a pretty good start.
He's a really good thrower. It would be nice if he knocked off the Ravens, then the Chiefs knocked off the Bills,
and then the championship game would be back at Arrowhead, which everyone does not want except Kansas City.
Okay, he's back to sports. Let's get back to where we were.
Heart-shaped Valtrax was a complete fail. I guess Herpes takes the fun right out of you, Rob.
I've heard that.
I guess so. I guess.
Well, the next one really kind of hurt, Rob. The brand new Heart-Shaped Two Douchebags and Microphone podcast is a go.
So watch for our Heart-Shaped episode coming up soon.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And then finally...
We have it in the works, by the way, guys.
We will let you know when the Heart-Shaped episode is coming up. We will let you know.
By the way, hi Grandma Opal.
Yes, hi Grandma Opal.
Thank you for listening. We love you.
Yes, we definitely love you, Grandma Opal.
And by the way, I've been noticing you've been reading emails and stuff.
Yeah.
And I'm trying to get a little shocked.
Why?
We have quite a few female listeners.
I didn't think we had one to tell you the truth because of how crude we are.
Turns out women like crude humor, too.
So, I know.
And especially here, this 87-year-old lady listening to us, or 90, I think. Yeah, anyhow.
And finally, Ruthann from North Central Ohio gets a Heart-Shaped replica of Rob's manhood.
Since she is not watching the playoffs with her team, she'll have plenty of time to enjoy it.
That was low, wasn't it?
Ruthann, if you hear this, I love you.
I don't know. She's pretty sore at me. I don't think she's listening. She's hurting you to get to me. It's not right, Rob.
It ain't my fault.
I know. I know. But yeah. Yeah.
Hey, I got a question. Did you come up with your hairy asshole Olympics?
I haven't answered.
Oh, okay. Did you come up with your hairy asshole Olympics?
Next week.
Okay. All right. That's cool.
I've got a lot going on, dude.
No, no, no. That's fine. That's fine.
No, my neighbor, my friend, my neighbor, when I took 38th Special Concert and all that, her radiator blew in this cold weather.
And she owns her own cleaning company and stuff. And she went and worked.
And here we are in zero degree weather and we're trying to find another radiator, which I think we finally found one and it's like a half hour away.
But we just found out we're now laid off on Mondays.
That sucks. Did they say how long it's going to go on?
Well, it's till whenever.
It's not that bad. We're still going to work four days to get full day's pay.
And we're signed up on work share through unemployment.
So you get half the day's pay.
You get 60% of your pay.
But if you're smart, you take out your taxes.
Which means about 40%?
10%. So yeah, you're getting half of that pay.
Well, you know what? At least it's something, Rob.
Okay, why don't we take our first break, Rob, and we will be right back.
I have some life hacks that are really cool that nobody really thinks of, but we did. So we'll be right back in a couple minutes.
Cool.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
So, if I have a glass of ice water, and the ice melts into the water, is my water then watered down?
Hm. I may never know.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Howard Stern just signed a 10 year contract extension.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct wash rags.
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes in 3, 2, 1.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Dirt and apocalypse, don't forget the nuts. Hickory nuts, that is.
Yeah, we know, hickory wood gets all the glory and all the love.
Everyone loves the hickory trees, they cut them down and they make great sandwiches out of barbecue and meats.
They smoke them and it's a fantastic deal. But little does anyone know about the hickory nuts.
Dirt and apocalypse hickory nuts could be the best thing you can find.
Hickory nuts can be eaten raw, toasted, or added to various recipes.
Their rich buttery flavor and crunchy texture make them an ideal ingredient for both sweet and savory dishes.
You can use hickory nuts to make nut butter, pesto, or even a unique hickory nut milk.
There are five types of hickory nuts.
Bitter nut hickory, shag bark hickory, pig nut hickory, mockernut hickory, and smooth bark hickory.
Hickory trees are considered part of the walnut species and are plentiful at least around Missouri and surrounding areas.
So, dirt and apocalypse, don't forget to grab your nuts.
All aware of the amber alert, right? Well, get rid of your disinfectants and rubber bed spreads, kids.
It's the all new Amber Heard Alert System.
This fantastic early warning device helps one stay dry and rid of all those annoying mattress invoices.
Simply hook up to child under six or psychopath and wait for the running water sound.
This clever machine has three distinct settings.
Bablin Brooks, ocean waves, and roaring river for those close call.
Order today and get a free Cinnabon Renuze It Cartridge.
Do douchebags in a microphone raw and uncensored.
See behind the smoke show.
Watch as the douchebags get stung by a forked beast.
Enjoy one of many coffee houses ordering our heroes out.
Watch Mark revisit Clinton, Missouri to claim his innocence for all the mad shitter accusations.
Act now and get both high quality DVD sets and a free douchebag calendar.
Mark off today with a douchebag looking at you.
Supplies are limited, so act now.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Hmph.
I may never know.
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes and...
Hey! Who took a dump in the cooler?
Who took a dump in the cooler?
And we are back to douchebags in a microphone. I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Can I say one thing?
Yeah, sure. Okay, I used to... Okay, when people would give me a life hack or whatever, I didn't care. I'm doing me.
Uh huh.
But the older I get, honestly the more life hacks and stuff, I'm enjoying it and I'm getting more out of it. So these are good things.
It must be an age thing because I was the same way. I used to be like, I don't give a shit about that.
Some of these could be good.
Wait until you hear some of these.
As long as you are open minded.
Well, wait until you hear some of these Rob. They're really simple ideas that you don't think of.
And I've really had these problems before and I mean it's pretty cool.
So, the number one one was, if you have a candle that burned down too far, you know, and you can't get the lighter to reach it.
You know how a candle burns in and then you'll have wax on the sides and you can't fit in there to reach the wick way down there?
You can use a piece of uncooked spaghetti to light it. Uncooked spaghetti ignites.
Actually, I did that here a while back.
Oh, you did do that? Did you know it was a life hack?
I did that here a while back. Yeah, I heard about that.
Okay.
And it was either light a paper towel or, and then I heard about it.
Okay, let's try to make spaghetti.
Because my candle was all the way down to the bottom.
Yeah, uncooked spaghetti works great. I never knew about it, so this is new to me. I'm like, hey, that's cool.
Yeah, no, I can vouch for that one. It actually worked.
Do you do a couple of them or one of them?
Lighting a piece of wood, like a little stick on fire.
Okay, cool. That's good to know. I mean, because I have those problems every now and then and it'd be nice to know.
Or Val's trying to light candles because she's more into candles than I am. I'll just tell her, hey, man, why don't you use this?
The thing is, you got to keep the lighter on it for a little bit for it to really light up.
I could imagine. Yeah. But once it lights your gold.
It will work. It does work.
Well, there you go. Rob tried it for you. So this is try it before you buy it, Rob Radford.
And this was before Mark even mentioned it.
Yep. He was already on it, man. All right. Next one.
You ever have a book that you had to put highlighter, you know, like yellow or something to highlight areas?
And then later on, you're like, oh, shit, man, I wish I didn't have that highlight there because I don't need it now.
Do you know that lemon juice will take the highlighted areas away?
Are you talking about like highlights in your hair?
No, no, no, no. OK. You're you've got a piece of paper. OK.
And you want to accentuate something like it says turn the knob to the left three times.
And you want to make sure you remember that. So you take a light highlighter.
It's like a marker only. It's a really light color. Yeah.
Yeah. I got you. Yeah. A highlighter like that.
Yes. Yes. Yeah. And lemon juice will remove it, which is excellent because I have these code books at work that I'd love to take the highlighting away because I already know them and I don't need to like go to that area.
And anyhow, I'm just going to take some lemon juice to them. Had no idea.
So OK. I know I did not have that idea either.
I didn't either. All of these ones, I did not have the idea. That's why I put them down because I figured there's if I didn't know, some other people didn't know.
So this next one I love, but I've done it differently than this.
Identify your house key immediately. Take bright colored nail polish and paint the key.
My answer to that was there's this little hardware store down the road and they had Royals and Chiefs keys.
The Royals key was the back door and the Chiefs key was the front door.
But I mean, this is a good way if you don't want to buy a specialty key.
This is a great way to identify it. You know, like at night you're like fumbling through your keys. Where the hell's the house key?
Oh, OK. Here's the red one. This is it. Here's the purple one. Makes sense, doesn't it?
No, yeah. And also, I used to work in property management.
And so we had everybody's condo keys.
What we did is we had a stamp set where you set the letter on that key on something solid. You hit it with a hammer.
Oh, yeah, yeah. And you ended up with 103.
Yeah, but no, like you said, there's different ways. You take the hardware store. There's different ways.
Yeah, well, like I said, I had the Royals and Chiefs keys and it worked well.
It depended on where I needed to get in or whatever. I'd be like, oh, OK, I need to go in through the back. I got my Royals keys. So it worked.
OK, here's the next one. And this one is great because I did it the other day.
And anyhow, I had to kind of unfreeze the area around the hot tub. And so I needed hot water, right?
But there's no way to get it. Hey, is the hot tub up and running? Yes, it is.
It's going to happen when I come up there, brother. Sure. Yeah, it's going to jump in that thing. It's going to be the hot tub.
And the chemicals are balanced in it because I have to because the new pump is actually in the water.
The old pump was the the gears and stuff were encased where they were in the water.
So if you don't keep the chemicals balanced, they'll fuck that pump up.
So every day I'm out there in the cold trying to figure that shit out. So anyhow.
So you're talking to somebody that was nationally certified for 10 years.
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't do that, the alkalinity will eat that metal up and fuck your pump.
I could went anywhere in the United 50 states, United States,
down any swimming pool that looked unfit to me. Florida is where you want to go.
And if it plunked, I could have locked it down until it passed my inspection to open it back up.
Yeah, a friend of mine went to Florida and he only had like, I don't know, it was worker condos.
He only had enough for a couple months rent and food and a little bit for utilities.
And he had a plan to just go around and service swimming pools.
So he went knocking on doors. And now that's what he does for a living. He makes a great living.
He just services swimming pools. He said like the other day he put in a light in a swimming pool.
He put in a light in a swimming pool. And he said all he had to do was hold his breath for about 30 seconds.
He went underwater, put a new light in, fucking $100 just like that.
Took two minutes. Lady was happier than hell to give him $100. She got her light in there.
He said that shit happens all the time, man. He'll like go and bounce the chemicals.
Yeah, it's better than draining the pool than how to pay the water to act back to the pool and the chemicals to balance it back out.
Yes. So...
Yeah, no, I know a lot of people that do that. I used to do that.
Well, he made money in Florida because he knew that there was a huge need for that.
Yeah, Florida. Yeah, because there's pools everywhere and everybody needs their pool service there.
Nobody wants to do it themselves there. And he went down there like he is living great. Just doing that.
Honestly, you would be shocked if you knew how many pools were around Lake of the Ozarks.
No, actually I wouldn't be. There's a lot of them.
Yeah, there's a lot of them.
You have Lake of the Ozarks, the lake in your backyard, but before you get to the lake, you've got your own pool.
And all the condos have pools and all the resorts have pools. All the cabins, a lot of the cabins have their own pool now. Yeah.
You know what people like me see?
Money.
Dollar signs.
Hell, you could probably do that, Rob. Or are you still certified?
I could. I'm thinking about it.
Well, hey, you know, I might have to retire sometime, but I'm not going to be able to fully retire. So I've got to have something on the side.
That would be a great thing. That's something to think about.
And it's not heavy lifting.
No, okay. So anyhow, back on track here, trying to fill up a mop bucket, getting water all over the floor.
Use a pool noodle as a hose to reach the bucket from the faucet.
A pool noodle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I did it the other day. No mess, no water on the floor, nothing. Hot water in the bucket from the faucet. No big deal.
Yeah, it worked great. I could not believe it. I'm like, wow.
Yeah, my water is anything. It's a solid tube meant for water.
Yeah. I've seen that one.
Next one, you want to keep your bathroom mirror from fogging up.
Try applying a small amount of...
I wish I could.
Here's how you do it, Rob. Put a small amount of car wax on the mirror, like turtle wax or something.
Just a small amount and rub it on the mirror and that will keep it from fogging up.
Okay, you gave me another idea. Something else would work. Rain-X.
Rain-X, yeah. Yeah, that's where they got the idea from.
Okay, I never thought of that.
Because I take my showers so... yeah. You walk out of the bathroom...
I take my showers hot too and then you go to see your face and you can. It's all fogged up.
Rain-X or...
I would not do well in jail if it's because of showers.
Jails have cold showers.
Oh, that would suck.
The hotter the better.
And not to mention all the people making fun of you because it's like cold showers.
That's why I don't go to jail.
Yeah, you got to know your role in life and if your role is not going to jail, don't be there.
I just shower, no.
Alright, next one. You got wrinkles in your clothes?
Try throwing a few ice cubes in a wet washcloth in the dryer with the wrinkled clothes and that will take the wrinkles out of them.
Just a couple of ice cubes in a washcloth. A damp washcloth.
And when you take them back out, the clothes will be unwrinkled.
Alright.
Yeah, that's a very good one. I'm not quite sure how that works but I think I have an idea.
Because I used to finish out stainless steel and we used to be able to take dents out with a...
You know what, forget it.
Trying to start a brush fire.
Well, can I say something?
Yeah, go ahead.
I'm a single man. In a month I'll be 55. Well, a month and a half I'll be 55. I don't give a shit about wrinkles.
I got you. I'm the same way. That's why I went on.
Just saying.
You're married.
There's a big difference in wrinkles.
The reason I didn't go along with my story was I think nobody gives a shit about it. So I was like, I'm just not going to.
So anyhow.
Well, that tells you I'm listening.
No, you are. I know you are. But I mean other people I think will be bored by it so I moved on.
Okay, trying to start a brush fire.
Take lint from the dryer and use it as kindling.
That lint is highly flammable.
If you throw it underneath some brush, it will catch the brush on fire.
It burns slow and it burns hot and it burns long. I mean it burns for a long time.
Yeah, yeah.
And then finally.
You're out on the beach, right?
And you don't have any place to put your money and your ID and all that stuff.
You don't want to bring your wallet because it could get wet.
You know, sometimes you can have like a waterproof bag. We have one for vacations, but we don't always have it with us.
An empty tube of sunscreen is an easy way to waterproof cash and other valuable items that you don't want to get wet on the beach.
Maybe you have your passports.
A big bottle of sunscreen. I don't know if it will fit your passports, but it will definitely fit cash and other things in there.
So that makes a lot of sense.
When you're done, I have a solution.
Okay, go ahead.
I'm done. I'm done.
Grab like a half gallon or a gallon water jug.
You know, with one of the ones that's got the spout on it, fill it down, take a big old swig.
Uh huh.
Shut it next to your stuff. Nobody's going to touch that.
It could be tea, it could be water. Nobody's going to touch it.
There's a nice little hiding spot. And I just, as you were reading that story, came up with that.
That's pretty cool, dude. That will work.
And I haven't been on a beach since I was 15 years old.
Oh wow. Not even down there, Lake of Ozarks, they have some beaches there?
Oh no, no, yeah, here on the lake, I'm saying the last beach I was on was Pottery Island, I think.
Oh, okay. Yeah, down there in south Texas.
And it was right after a hurricane.
Oh, the water was all murky.
The beach I was on was on the Gulf.
Okay.
It was either, yeah, Texas.
The Gulf is my favorite side.
Oh no, I was younger than 15. I was like 13.
Oh wow. You need to get back there, Rob.
Last time I seen the Gulf was south of New Orleans.
Okay.
Because they totally never go.
Yeah, yeah. That's the Mississippi River and mud and all that stuff, yeah.
That's where you worked and yeah, see I'd be right at home down there.
Was it oil platforms or what?
Oh no, I went down to visit in-laws for the first time.
Okay.
And they lived in Beerus, which is like an hour south of New Orleans.
And I believe it's on 23 Highway.
There's a peninsula that goes down through there.
And they were like four miles off the end of the coast.
Oh wow. Okay.
And his shrimp boat was at the very end in a marina that they called end of the world.
Because they call it the most southern point of the United States.
Now I don't know if that's the Florida Keys.
I don't know if it's that or the Keys.
It could be the Florida Keys too.
They go almost to Cuba.
They're like 50 miles or 40 miles from Cuba.
It's one or the other.
Well, you've been to New Orleans.
Yeah, yeah.
Imagine living an hour south of there.
Well, to get from Miami to the Florida Keys, the very N1 Key West, it's a good four and a half hours.
I think we're talking about different fingers.
Well, okay.
The Florida Keys go to the east and the west and that goes straight south.
It very well could be.
I'm just like kind of telling you what I do know.
Yeah, this one's a, I think this is a different finger off Florida.
No, no, no.
You're talking about New Orleans.
Down there, that could be the furthest southern part of America from there.
Yeah, you got me.
Yeah, no, no, that could be.
Louisiana.
Yeah, Louisiana.
So anyhow, who knows?
I mean, you know what, Rob?
That's your next assignment.
Look at the most southern point of the US.
All right.
Can you do that?
Okay.
On our next podcast, Rob will deliver the...
Yeah, probably.
Yeah.
I got a little story here.
All right.
It's no joke.
Humorous and quirky messages on electronic signs will soon disappear from highways and freeways across the country.
The US Federal Highway Administration has given states two years to implement all the changes outlined in this new 1,100 page manual released last month,
including rules that spells out how signs and other traffic control devices are regulated.
Administration officials said overheard electronic signs with obscure meanings, references to pop culture,
and those intended to be funny will be banned in 2026 because they can be misunderstood or distracting the drivers.
Those are the only ones I read.
Are those?
Yeah.
Yeah. I don't know why they're cracking down on that.
I don't think they're...
I think they're barking up the wrong tree, really.
I mean...
Yeah.
A bunch of people getting paid to figure things out in air quotations.
So, Rob, you got something before we go to break?
Yeah. I got it.
Okay.
All right. Flora is yours, Rob.
And this is on the Associated Press.
Okay.
And this was one day ago.
This would have been January 19th.
Okay.
And this goes back on a story that we talked about, I was a few months ago, and you'll realize which one it is.
Okay.
A grand jury indicted Alec Baldwin on Friday of involuntary manslaughter charge in a 2021 tail shooting during the rehearsal of a movie set in New Mexico.
Is this a different state doing it now?
No, New Mexico. I thought he was cleared of that.
No.
They opened it back up, Mark.
Oh, okay. Cool. All right.
So they must have found some compelling evidence.
Huh?
They must have found some compelling evidence, Rob.
I mean, they don't usually open these things back up.
Dude, I could read this whole story.
Well, no. Just get the high spots.
It's going to take half our podcast.
No, just get the high spots, Rob.
So they, okay, I think we can get into that.
Okay, here we go.
Okay.
Special prosecutors brought the case before a grand jury in Santa Fe this week, months after receiving a new analysis of the gun that was used.
Oh, okay.
They declined to answer questions after spending about a day and a half presenting their case to the grand jury.
Okay.
Well, it goes, a lot of this is going into describing the case.
Okay.
This is where Alec Baldwin was jacking around, pulled a gun, shot somebody.
So he was screwing around that led to the person's death.
Okay, that's different then. That's different then.
Supposedly, the gun had blanks and he is swearing that all he did was pull the hammer back, but he never touched the trigger.
And obviously they don't think that's true.
So he's finding malfunction in the gun.
Okay, but here's the thing.
Where the fuck did the live bullet come from?
Exactly. No, what they did was they did the blister.
Now they're trying to hook him up because of his action. He was jackassing around.
Yeah, and it led to a person's death.
If you have a toy gun in your hand, I don't care if you're a kid or an adult, if you have a toy gun in your hand, you're going to look at somebody and say, pow, that's a laugh.
This happened to have a live bullet in it, which he did not know.
Well, the whole point is he should have not been jacking around with a gun.
Although, he swears all he did was pull the hammer back. He swears he never pulled the trigger.
So therefore it would be a malfunctioning gun.
Hmm.
Now that's going to be the hard part, the proof.
They were filming it, right?
Although they have stuff on film.
That might be how and why they opened it up.
They may have been zoned in on that film.
That may be how and why they opened it back up, Rob.
Compelling evidence.
This is going to be interesting.
This is going to be interesting because if he did pull the trigger, then that is clearly manslaughter and he'll be charged.
Okay, okay, but here's my question.
Okay.
If it's manslaughter, if you think there is a blank in that gun that has come through people in the TV business, then you are giving it clear on that gun.
Okay. If he was jacking around, he should not have been messing with a gun.
Now Rob, listen, listen.
Okay, here's the deal. Your negligence causes a death.
That is a manslaughter charge.
So if he was jacking around with that gun, okay, when he shouldn't have been, it doesn't matter if they gave him the clear or not.
He was fucking around and it led to this person's death.
They can charge him with manslaughter and it sounds like they intend to.
Okay.
Alright.
No, no, no, I'm kind of getting it now.
Yeah, you can look up the definition.
Even though it's not his fault the real bullet was in there when it hit him.
No, what they're saying is he shouldn't have been fucking around with a gun.
Well then he could go after somebody else other than them.
Maybe it will be unraveled in this whole court dealing, but right now what they know is Alec Baldwin or what they think they know is Alec Baldwin was jacking around with a gun when he shouldn't have been if someone ended up dead.
So therefore they're going to try to charge him with manslaughter and they can probably get him on that.
So let's take our first or second break.
I'll keep you updated. Yeah, we're late on our second break.
Yeah, we are. We'll be right back.
I know, sad too. Alright.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You remind me of a penny.
Too faced and not worth much.
Hey look, I think we found land.
Oh my god, I think we're safe.
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
I'm going to get you fired.
What do you call an angry carrot?
A steamed veggie.
Ho ho ho ho ho.
Two douchebags and a microphone says.
You ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass?
Just asking.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Baseball's third season of the year begins tonight.
Yay.
A lot of podcasts just come from a can.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
Three douchebags and a microphone.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Okay, if I borrow money from a pessimist, would they expect to not get it back?
I may never know.
Hot shit.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
I've got an interesting story here, Rob.
Yeah, sure.
A 84 year old McDonald's cashier who worked for the company for 45 years is finally retiring.
Dot Sharp, who recently turned 84, served her last customer, her granddaughter, from the drive-thru window at a McDonald's in Gibsonia, Pennsylvania on Friday, according to the Business Insider.
A spokesperson for McDonald's franchise, Tri County Management, told us the outlet, the drive-thru line was wrapped all the way around the corner of the building because all her regulars wanted to wish her well before she retired.
Mrs. Sharp initially secured the job in September 1978, and a single mother enjoyed the flexible schedule and it worked out for her for that many years.
She's 84 and finally retiring. God bless her, that's excellent.
So, it sounds like she had a lot of people that really liked her too, so that's even better.
Yeah.
Yeah, so anyhow, a bunch of truck drivers got together on social media.
This guy found this cat, and he didn't know where it was from.
He saw this lady, she was moving to Tennessee with her family and her cat got loose.
They moved to Tennessee, and anyhow, she was from California, so her cat ran off in California, right?
So, she's in Tennessee.
A truck driver found her cat in California, but he wasn't going to Tennessee, they found out on social media they found this cat, and that looks like the cat that's missing.
She put it up on social media.
I see this all the time.
Okay, yeah, so they identified that this was a cat in California, so they got a network of truckers like a baton race where you pass a baton.
One would take one, let's say one's going to Nevada, then Nevada would be going to Nebraska, Nebraska would be going to Missouri, then Missouri's going to Tennessee, something like that.
But every one of them, they would go to truck stops and they'd pass this cat off until they got him to the owner in Tennessee.
That is pretty damn cool, I think.
Yeah, that's awesome.
Yeah, truck drivers are good people, they get a bad rap, but I'll tell you what, man.
Oh man, I've known some, most of the best people I've known are truck drivers.
Yeah, yeah, they're good people.
Off the road and at home.
Yeah, yeah, no, I agree. I know a lot of truck drivers too and they're great people.
And I have a good friend right now, Paul, that had to retire, but his wife is kind of taking up for the business.
Cool.
His wife I went to school with, that's how I know Paul.
He's battling cancer.
So he cannot be on the road no more, but they also own a transport company.
So his wife's doing the work, yeah, I love them to death.
Well, let's all say a prayer for Rob, or not Rob, but what's his name, I'm sorry?
Paul and Karen.
Paul and Karen. Let's all say a prayer for those guys and hopefully he beats his cancer and gets back on the road.
Yeah, he's having to sell off a lot of stuff. He just had to sell off his Harley he just bought two years ago.
Ah, that's tough.
And that was his life dream, buy a Harley, he bought it.
Well, you know what, living, he can get that Harley back, he's only got one life.
So I'm sure he's more than willing to do that.
Yeah, well, yeah, trust me, Paul's a strong man.
Alright, I'm sure he'll pull through.
He's a veteran, he's a veteran.
Good man.
He's seen life out of him.
I hate going into a story like this after something like that, but Jack in the Box has a first new burger in eight years.
Jack in the Box wants the Smash Jack to be the best burger in the fast food industry and it's off to a great start.
Two weeks after launching, the Smash Jack has become a fast food unicorn.
It's nearly impossible to find as the chain ran out of supplies to make the specialized burger which customers could not get enough of.
We're sold out, Ryan Ulstrum, Jack in the Box chief marketing officer told reporters at a media event Wednesday at the chain's San Diego headquarters.
The fast food chain, a self-built edgy rival to McDonald's quietly rolled out the Smash Jack in early January.
No marketing, no advertising, we just put it on the menu, Ulstrum said.
But word got it, still got out, leading to hordes of fans scrambling to get their hands on the $8 premium burger.
Ulstrum said the chain nearly sold out 70,000 burgers in a single day.
One store received a single order for 27 Smash Jacks.
Ulstrum said the original plan was to quietly launch the burger for about six weeks to get restaurant teams prepared for the national launch in the spring.
But the Smash Jack was so popular that after two weeks supplies ran out and the chain couldn't get enough patties out to stores.
And it looks really great because it's a Smash Burger, right?
But it looks like it has sauteed onions, cheese, pickles, on a toasted, some sort of specialty bun, I'm not sure.
But it doesn't really go into what exactly a Jack Smash Burger is.
It sounds good to me.
It looks really good. Look it up online, Rob.
Yeah, I will. I will.
It's a good looking burger, it really is. So anyhow, I think it's going to be doing good.
You got something you want to go into?
Yeah, give me a sec.
Okay.
Okay, until then.
At the time an order of small fries was just 35 cents and the chain signature Big Mac sold for 90 cents.
New York Post reported.
And this is about McDonald's and the flexibility that it had to grow.
And anyhow, okay. Remember when I said they bought premium real estates?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm back with you. I stepped out of the studio for a second, you caught me.
Oh, okay, no, that's cool.
I'm back in the studio.
That's a long article. I just started reading it because it was too much silence.
But I'll read it later.
Are you talking about the McCosmics?
No, no, no, no, no, no. This is a particular article I was talking about a while back about how McDonald's bought properties 30, 40, 50 years ago that they knew was going to expand.
Yeah, yeah, in that town where they're kind of wanting to put the McCosmics.
Well, some of them are, yeah. And some of them are also regular McDonald's, but yes.
Anyhow, we'll get to that because that is a long article. You had something you wanted to get to, Rob, so do you have it?
Yes, that's where it's coming up towards the end.
Okay.
Dennis icon Richard Simmons is disting himself from a new biopic about his life starring actor and comedian Polly Shore.
Okay.
In a rare social media statement, the reclusive former weight loss guru and pop culture personality denied having any part in the upcoming film about his life.
I didn't know there was one, but evidently there is.
Okay, well, you know the story on him, don't you? He disappeared.
Yeah, yeah, I do. I do, yeah.
And they thought maybe someone was keeping him, kind of, you know, like keeping him shut up and maybe, I don't know, kind of brutalizing him or threatening him or something.
But he actually came out a couple of times and now it's speculated like he maybe switched genders.
People say that he looks like he became a good...
Okay, well, I have his quotes.
Okay, go ahead.
Okay, it went from that. And, okay, this is on NBC News.
Okay.
Alright.
It goes into saying, Hi everybody, you may have heard they may be doing a movie about me with Polly Shore.
Simmons posted on Facebook on Wednesday.
Uh huh.
I have never given my permission for this movie, so don't believe everything you read, he wrote.
I no longer have a manager and I no longer have a publicist.
I just try to live a quiet life and be peaceful.
Thank you for all your love and support.
Hmm.
The upcoming film is being developed at the Wappler Organization, a subsidiary of Warner Brothers, despite the lack of endorsement from Simmons.
The company remains committed to telling his life story.
I'm wondering...
Okay, he's going, but yeah, Richard Simmons has not given his permission for any biopic you see.
Okay, I wonder about this.
Okay, I'm not taking up for him.
Okay, go ahead.
I don't care about Richard Simmons.
Okay, fair enough.
I'm just saying, but if people go make a movie and stuff about your life and you don't give permission, isn't that awesome?
That's what I was getting ready to ask. I was going to pose the question.
No, no.
Nowhere in this article does it say he's going to sue him. Because honestly, the article does go into saying we're a polished sword.
Uh huh.
He's actually doing this as a tribute to Richard Simmons.
Okay, okay. Well then, you know what? There's different laws and different rules, and I don't think they could be even taking it this far.
I think if Richard Simmons truly didn't want it out, that he could, if he had any legal recourse, he would have done it, right?
Oh, but dude, I'm looking at a picture.
Uh huh.
Okay, the biopic will not be the first time Shore plays the role of Richard Simmons. He stars in the new short film, The Court Chester, directed by Jake Lewis.
Uh huh.
It's not related to the upcoming feature film. But I'm looking at a picture that I hit the button and go into YouTube on.
Uh huh.
Dude, you ought to see Paulie Shore as Richard Simmons.
I can believe it.
And, Lois.
Very cool.
Just saying.
Okay.
Alright.
Alright man, thank you Rob, and anyhow, this is the end of this podcast.
Thanks for getting in early and getting this one in early. We will do another one tomorrow. I'll try to have this up tomorrow sometime.
So, anyhow.
Everyone have a good night. As of right now, the Texans are tied with the Ravens 10-10. Interesting game going on up there in Baltimore right now.
Alright, take care of me.
Yeah, yeah, that's pending our game tomorrow.
Yeah, interesting game so far up there. We'll see how the other games shake out.
We'll get down to four teams after tomorrow.
Yes, and we will have plenty to say. Anyhow, take care, thank you for listening, bye.
Good night everybody.
Hey, where did everybody go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my god, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.