Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue
waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download
every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the
show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show
from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good
the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage
of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Man, Axel Rose is such a great childhood therapist.
I hope he writes more books.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You have the personality of a soggy newspaper.
The aboutlaps just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
And we can tell you what you can eat.
Wild asparagus is plentiful and easy to find.
It can be stewed with garlic and onion, which is both wild, which can be easily found in
a very tasty post-apocalypse food.
You can make this into a delicious stew.
And this will hold you over at least for a couple of days until you can find some other
food.
Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Oh, okay, Rob.
Well, let's see.
We got a straight from Topher's desk here in a minute.
Awesome.
But first, first, the Derek Thomas curse.
We must talk about this, right?
Yes, we do.
That's my man.
Was my man.
Yeah.
The DT curse was this.
And it's still intact.
You mouth off and disrespect Arrowhead Stadium.
And you will have horrible luck and a horrible season since the time you disrespected Arrowhead
Stadium, such as the Eagles and Nick Sirianni mouthing off at Arrowhead Stadium puffing
his little fucking bird chest out, thinking he is all cool.
They had the number one seed.
They had one loss when they left Arrowhead.
They promptly went two and five.
They lost the number one seed and they had to go to the wild card round and they didn't
even get a home game.
And they lost.
And they lost in Tampa to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
They didn't just lose.
They got dismantled 32 to nine.
They were manhandled.
They were spanked.
They were fucking put down.
They had fucking mud rubbed in their face.
They left Tampa disgraced.
And all of this could have been avoided if your stupid ass head coach would have kept
his mouth shut.
But no, now you're going home.
Now you're going home.
People need to remember DT.
You disrespected.
It's not just in Arrowhead.
Curse it everywhere.
You disrespected Arrowhead Stadium.
You fool.
Now you paid the price.
You may even get fired.
Who knows?
You know, now your ass is sitting at fucking home.
Yeah.
And now you got to wait another year to not get it.
So, oh, and also, my son also informed me today that Travis Kelsey.
Okay.
I have not read about it, but my son informed me that Travis Kelsey.
No, excuse me.
Not Travis.
Jason Kelsey retired.
Yes.
Announced his retirement.
Right after.
That's why he was emotional.
I mean, you know, he probably could.
He's got a ring.
So he's probably good with that.
He got a Super Bowl ring.
So many people go without a ring their whole career.
He's got a Super Bowl ring from that famous Nick Foles filling in and beating the Patriots,
I believe.
He's got a ring.
And he'd been to the Super Bowl a couple of times.
So I'm sure he's relatively happy with his career.
So he wasn't crying because they lost.
He was emotional because he knew he was stepping down as soon as the season is over.
He's not stupid.
He's not going to destroy his body chasing a ring when he's already got one.
So, yeah.
So, you know what, Jason Kelsey, you're the only thing I liked about the Eagles.
So, you know, God bless you, man.
I hope you have a great life.
Jason, Jason, go home, take care of your family, dude.
That's what he's going to do.
You deserve it.
So your brother's trying to work on it.
Yeah, well, you know what, man, he says that he's not going to retire anytime soon because he still loves playing the game.
So that's fine.
But in a related...
It was great. Great.
That's better for us.
As long as he pulls his weight.
Yeah, well, he had a much better game in the play.
Yes, he did.
I won.
He was a really good distraction for Rashe Rice.
Rashe Rice, 130 yards, great receiver, really making leaps and bounds his rookie year.
This guy's going to be phenomenal.
So in a related story, I got a newsflash that just came over my desk, Rob.
You want to hear what it is?
Legerious Need has wondered for the questioning about Tyreek Hill's disappearance.
Yeah, and anyhow, there was some audio I was listening to.
He would be first step to look at.
Yeah, he's the reason Tyreek disappeared.
I was listening to Keatsman's podcast, Kevin Keatsman's podcast, and he was talking about some...
I love Kevin Keatsman.
I do too.
I need to look him up.
I listened to him when I was in Kansas City.
Yeah, yeah, and he does a podcast now.
But then once I got away, I couldn't listen to him.
You're telling me he has a podcast?
I'm looking him up.
Yeah, yeah, he has a podcast.
It's on Podbean.
Look up Podbean.
It's an app, and he's on there, and you can find him real easily.
He said he listened to some of their audio, and they were just badgering him.
They're going, hey, you got to learn how to catch the ball, boy.
Hey, what's wrong, man?
Hey, hey, hey, Tyreek.
Hey, what about your mouth?
Hey, buddy, what's up, man?
I mean, they were just badgering him and getting him out of his game.
He was like losing it.
He didn't know what to do.
He made one really good catch and a touchdown.
Then after that, he was shut out.
They were smacking him so hard on the line that he was getting disoriented.
He was like falling around.
I mean, he looked like a clown out there.
Well, before the game, he made a post before the game saying he knew what he was going into because the cold weather and stuff.
Yeah, he did.
And it was Kansas City.
Yeah, so the thing is Tyreek needs to find a way to get the Dolphins to cut him and beg Kansas City to take him back.
Right?
Do we need him, though?
Probably not, and they probably wouldn't.
You don't need that.
You don't need that on your team.
You're doing this fine.
We have Pacheco.
Yeah, we got one without him, and we're trying to work our way to two.
We have Pacheco, and we're yet to see about Hilaire.
Hilaire is – okay, I think they're going to re-sign him because of this.
They can get him for nothing.
Well, he's been injured most of the year.
Well, that's the problem.
He's been injured – he's out of this rookie contract out of this year.
He's been here five years.
That's it.
So he might get re-signed just because they can sign him on the cheap.
That's the only reason.
They're not going to sign him because he's a great running back.
But I can tell you this.
I see a developing guy that can catch the ball.
If he can stay healthy, he is a very reliable tool.
He told Mahomes, he said, you throw me the ball, I will catch it.
And he has done that every time.
Yeah, he has.
Yeah.
So I think that you have something to work with, and you can get him on the cheap.
So why not re-sign him?
You know, he makes a great backup to Pacheco, and he was running hard.
Yeah, he does.
He was running hard.
See, that's what I was thinking.
Because it started out Herrera was starter, Pacheco came in as backup.
But then Herrera got injured, and Pacheco made his name, so now Herrera is backup.
The plan all along was Pacheco being the starter because Herrera could not put a season together where he wasn't injured or had a good game running.
I mean, I think he might have, out of all the games he played, I don't know if he even reached 100 yards on the ground.
I don't know if he did.
But right now, let's go into straight from Topher's desk.
Yeah, what's Topher got to say?
I ain't talked to my buddy in a long time.
Well, we need to get him on the phone.
He will.
Yeah, we do.
We just got to get the timing right, and we'll have a conversation, us three.
So Topher's doing well, and we went and got coffee today, and he had some thoughts.
That he wanted to share with Podcastland.
So.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's always welcome.
He topped me.
A little bit later, we have emails.
The way I looked at it, he tops me.
Yeah.
Okay, so here we go.
Always cut off a Tesla on the freeway.
The self-driving feature will stop the car from hitting you.
He's right.
Good point.
Yeah.
You pull in front of it, it'll stop.
Because it's programmed to do so.
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, I told you, I mentioned this here a little bit.
Link Creek, Missouri has a Tesla for a police car.
Pull in front of it and slam on your brakes.
That'd be funny.
When Topher said that, I was like, oh my God, that's brilliant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's funny, just like that.
I mentioned it here a little back, so.
Link Creek, Missouri, very little money has a Tesla.
Yeah, okay, so four lane, let's say you're in a four lane interstate highway, okay?
You can go the left or the right.
The left is, let's say, a Jeep.
And the right is a Tesla.
Pull in front of the Tesla, because that thing will stop.
The Jeep, the guy may not see you and might run into you.
So that is Topher's wisdom of the day.
And now he has some more wisdom.
I love it.
He has some more wisdom if you live in California, Rob.
He had done some checking, and you know the big electric car initiative.
Oh, I am, yeah, me and Eric in California are getting pretty good buddies.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy that showed his ass.
I'm about to throw his skateboard brand.
Yeah, Eric, Eric that won my ass picture.
Yeah, there is an old promo that I need to bring back that said,
send all your male body part pictures to Rob Radd's inbox.
And that's exactly what happened.
Three people sent him asshole pictures, because I claim that Rob liked to see the asshole in face.
Asshole up, and face turned around.
And Eric won it.
Yes.
And he's in Southern California.
He's a skateboarder, professional.
He just started his own line of skateboards.
Plus, they teach, he has a skateboard teaching class for kids to adult, to whoever.
Well, cool.
Eric's pretty good.
Whenever you want to drop the brand, that's fine.
I'm waiting on his word.
As a matter of fact, during the emails...
He's just getting them on the market.
Okay.
In the emails, we actually have a podcast from Des Moines that wants us to promote him,
because they know we're doing so well there.
Have you seen the Des Moines numbers, dude?
Des Moines?
They're our number one market, our number one market now.
Oh, that reminds me about something I told you about the other night.
Yeah, but you never did get to it.
But let me finish off Topher.
Yeah, well, it could be boring, but she's out of West Des Moines.
Okay.
All right.
Let me get to the rest of Topher's desk, and then we'll take a break, and then we'll come
back with a fresh slate.
That sound cool?
Let's do it.
Okay.
The self-driving feature will stop the car from hitting you.
That was his first one.
So, the second one is, so you live in Cali, and you have an electric car.
Okay.
All good.
They have that initiative.
A lot of people bought them, got discounts on them.
Well, the laws of the states say that if the power it takes to charge the battery is needed
elsewhere, they have a right to shut off the power, and you not be able to charge your
car.
And, if they need additional power, they can drain your battery and take that power as
well.
So, good luck electric car owners in California.
Oh, yeah.
Isn't that vicious?
Okay.
Now, wait a second.
Okay.
Are governments pushing these cars?
Yes.
But they're failing?
Yes.
Yeah.
Well, what do you think the government does?
I mean, the government's in charge of social security.
I mean, they're...
I mean, come on.
They replace the batteries in these cars?
Look, it costs you the same as a brand new car.
Yes.
Everything the government put their hands on is a complete failure.
So, why would we expect any different?
So, yeah.
So, anyhow, go for the...
I would say something, but I'm not going to, because I wasn't going to aim at somebody,
but it's political, so I...
No, no, no.
You know what?
Here's the deal, man.
I think that everybody that listens to us has their opinion.
Yeah, and they all understand.
Yes.
And you know what?
The facts are out there.
The truth is out there.
And if you're smart enough and can see through the bullshit and the smoke show,
you can see what's really going on.
And I would like to think, even though we're Dick and Burt jokes,
we still are cognizant and know what's going on.
And I think that just because...
Yeah, we're still bringing things to our list.
Just because our fans like Burt and Dick jokes...
That they need to hear.
Our fans like Burt and Dick jokes, that's fine.
They're still intelligent.
Yeah, we do them.
Well-rounded people.
I believe that well-rounded people like sick humor.
I think that humor is a sign of intelligence.
And so...
No, no, that's a scientific fact.
Yeah, well, yeah, it is.
No, I've seen research studies on it, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty well known.
So I think that people that have an expanded sense of humor,
that like to listen to things like this, already know their opinion,
and are probably fairly accurate in it.
So, you know, the facts are there, and we don't have to say anything.
We don't have to get into anything.
All I've got to say is look around and see what's going on,
and see if you're happy with it.
Yeah, just leave it right there, and everybody can see it.
If you're happy with it, then you're going to get what you're getting.
If you're not happy with it, then okay.
So, all right, let's go ahead and take our first break, Rob.
Not yet.
Oh, okay, go ahead.
Not yet.
I have something to say.
All right.
Hi, Grandma Opal from God City.
Oh, shit, thank you.
Grandma Opal, we love you.
We love you.
We wish you the best of luck.
We love you, darling.
Yeah, thank you for listening.
You are the best.
I've seen a picture of you when you were in your 20s in a swimsuit,
and you were one hot mama.
Did you?
Yes.
Not really.
I'm just fucking around.
But anyhow, yeah, you were one hot chick.
Anyhow, Opal.
Well, I bet she was.
Oh, yeah, we know Opal is.
Opal's a hot name, right?
Yeah.
Oh, if she wasn't there, she's gotta be hot.
Yes.
So, Opal, thank you.
Anyhow, thank you, Rob.
Okay, we're going to be right back.
And when we get a chance to get on the phone, you will be there.
Yes.
We will send out where Grandma Opal can be on the phone with us.
I'd love to talk to her.
Her son is going to try to arrange that, but she's so hard of hearing that he doesn't think
it's going to go over very well.
So, anyhow, he's got the open invite.
He's got our number here.
So, if he's over there on a Saturday evening when we're actually doing this podcast,
because he goes over there on the weekends to help her.
So, if he's over there on a Saturday evening.
I understand that.
Hey, hey, kudos, dude.
Yeah, he's a good guy.
His name is Jimmy.
You take care of your grandma.
I am your fan.
You're not my fan.
I am your fan.
His name is Jimmy.
He doesn't want his last name repeated because he's in some sort of...
Fine.
We don't do that anyway.
Yeah, he works in some sort of governmental office there in Kansas somewhere,
and he doesn't want his last name spoken.
That's fine.
We don't do last names.
We're a small podcast.
We don't have to.
Yeah.
So, anyhow, let's take our first break, Rob, and we're going to come back with more stuff.
How's that?
That sounds good.
All right.
We'll be right back, guys.
Once again, it's time for Ramblings of a Madman.
I believe Congress needs to synchronize tap dance for 20 minutes before each session.
That needs to happen.
Hello.
This is Satan.
You might know me from the movie.
This is Satan.
You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two douchebags
and microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.
Enjoy.
Bye.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Baseball's third season of the year begins tonight.
Yay.
Oh, shit.
What's that over there?
Oh, no.
It's an island of horrible jokes.
Ugh.
Why did the melons not get married?
Because they can't elope.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh, Lord.
That man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there.
Don't worry.
I have a clown nose.
Oh, no.
That drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay.
I have a clown nose.
Clown nose.
Just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office?
Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
I'm going to make magic happen today.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You are dressed like an assistant debate coach at an Ohio State middle school.
And we are back.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Robert and that was Quint.
Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep.
You probably heard some little giggles and ha ha's and bad jokes and farts and clucks and everything.
But we're back.
Okay.
Rob, you got anything you want to say before I go into a diner owner that uses bacon grease to make money and also emails?
Well, actually, I have a store.
I have something I have to get out there because I owe it.
Yes. Yes.
You do.
The last time we podcasted, we did two right row back to back.
Yep.
I did one.
And I have the final.
Which I did it on the second part of the night, but I did not.
I have the final hillbilly wisdom.
You know what?
It was so good it needed it needed some space from the others.
Well, well, it was a stand.
It was a stand.
So that for a day's day, I should have done the second one.
I did not.
That was my bad.
Oh, well.
All right.
Well, roll with it.
Roll.
I have it now.
All right.
Okay.
Tonight's.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
You got to love that wisdom.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That's cool.
That needed to be standalone, Rob.
That was that good.
So.
Oh, I'll say all of you do.
Honestly, I love these.
Yeah.
They're it's a fantastic segment.
I hope you could scrounge up some more of them because it's fantastic.
They're all true, too.
So.
Well, wait till you get to this next one.
Okay, go ahead.
If you get to take in your person of influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
True again.
Oh, my God.
There is so much to reach in that.
Yeah.
All right.
Next.
Okay.
Next up.
Live a good and honorable life.
Then when you get older and think back, you don't enjoy it a second time.
Another solid one.
Now that I'm over 50, I feel that so much more.
Absolutely.
Yes.
Agreed.
Okay.
Next up.
Live simply, live generously, live deeply, speak kindly, leave the rest to God.
100,000 percent.
I'm not going to let go and let God.
Honestly.
Okay.
We do not get religious here, but this was in the report.
I'm just saying this right here.
When I quit worrying about things and I just let God handle it.
Yeah, we let God handle it.
Look, you can believe in anything you want.
I don't care.
This is a free country, freedom of religion.
So you can worship anything.
I don't care if you worship a pencil.
That's you.
Okay.
I'm not going to let God control me and the God that I believe in.
Once I realized that I had no control over anything and I handed it to God, I've been a much happier person and a much more fulfilled person.
It's been fantastic because what needed to happen happened, not what I thought needed to happen.
Does that make sense?
Oh, no.
Trust me.
I used to be an assistant youth pastor.
Okay.
I thought I had a vision of what needed to happen in my life.
Which we can go into some other time.
But when I quit asking for that and I told God to do what he needed to do.
God, do what you need to do.
It happened.
It all worked out so well.
It happened.
Yeah.
So anyhow, I'm not here to give a sermon or preach.
Like I said, we're...
Right now, we do not get political or religion.
Yep.
But I used to be a volunteer youth pastor.
That's cool, Rob.
I am religion in my background.
That's very cool.
I really respect that, Rob.
That's very cool.
Now, do I live it like it today?
Hell no.
Me neither, man.
I mean, listen to this podcast.
I'm filthy.
I know this.
I have a lot in my life that I need to clean up.
And you know, I think we all do.
We all do.
So, but isn't that...
That's why we are doing it, to get it out of our minds.
Yeah, we can get this out of our system.
So anyhow, I would like to think that we entertain quite a few people.
Yes, yes.
Well, we check out RSS.com.
We know we do.
I cannot believe Des Moines.
You guys are awesome, man.
They're our number one market.
They skyrocketed.
Again, they went all the way up.
They're above Kansas City, our home base.
They're above?
They're above.
Look at RSS when you get in touch.
Okay, I looked this morning and they were still below.
Okay, hang on.
I think...
But I don't think mine's updating or something.
I don't think so.
Hang on.
Let me look right now and we'll get out of this so we don't bore the people because they
probably don't care about what we do.
Well, while you're looking that up, let me give you the final hillbilly wisdom.
Okay, sorry.
I kind of like curveballed that.
No, you're right.
The final hillbilly wisdom.
Okay.
Most time it just gets down to common sense.
Yeah.
Okay, here's what I got here at RSS.
That's it.
Not available.
Okay, go ahead.
Go ahead.
Not available so we don't know where it's coming from is our first with the most hits.
Des Moines is second.
Kansas City is third.
Harrisonville is fourth.
Holy shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, see, I looked earlier this morning.
Yeah, I must be lagging.
Let me go into emails.
I got one from Harrisonville, dude.
You got to hear this.
Okay, well, I'm going to...
That was the very last hillbilly wisdom.
That's awesome, dude.
I loved it.
Yeah, we love it and I hope all of our listeners love it.
Oh, I think they do.
I will come up with another list.
Okay, so let's go ahead and go into emails because I want to get to Harrisonville.
Let's go to emails.
Not only do we have an incredible amount of hits from that town of about 7,000 people
or something like that, 5,000 to 7,000 people, somewhere in there.
Hey, D-Bags, I listen in Harrisonville.
I really enjoy the show.
You and Rob have the Cass County warped sense of humor.
I agree.
That's because we grew up there.
Well, look, living out there in the sticks and not having anything to do...
I grew up in Belton.
He grew up in Cleveland.
Living out there in the sticks and not having anything to do made you use your imagination.
Otherwise, you're going to be bored to death.
So you and Rob have that Cass County warped sense of humor, which I agree.
Why do you think that is?
And I just said why I think that is.
It's because...
Yeah, yeah, we both just did because we grew up there.
Yeah, it's just like I was talking about before about how I used to get into art.
I listened to WLS out of Chicago because at night they would turn their power up
and 890 would turn their power down in Kansas City.
890 was a religious station about 7 o'clock on Friday.
And they would believe truth.
Yes, and I could pick it up clear as a bell here in Kansas City.
And anyhow, I was a hero because they would release songs to Chicago
much quicker than they would to Kansas City.
And then I remember like Heavy Metal by Don Felder.
The movie came out and I identified the song right off.
And people were like, oh wow, what is this?
You know the guy from the Eagles, Don Felder?
That's him.
Yeah, you just talked about that like couple of podcasts.
Yeah, yeah, but while I was listening and absorbing these great personalities
and being descriptive and all this stuff, you know,
I was drawing on the walls and stuff and painting on the walls.
They're still there.
Well, no, no, actually I tore it down.
You're in the garage.
Yeah, in the garage.
So that's what it was.
So yeah, in the same way with you, Rob,
it made you use your creativity because there was absolutely nothing else to do.
Well, I'm down here now and all I do is go to work and I come home.
So this gives me something to do.
It brings me back to yesteryear.
It really does.
And I could be, I'm being more myself.
I'm opening up, I'm being more myself.
That's cool.
Like I should be.
I closed down for a while, dude.
I'm glad it's working for you, Rob, because I enjoy doing it too.
Oh, I love it.
So this guy goes on to say,
Cass County has always been the Misfit Capital.
Thank you.
P.S. I bet you can't beat me in pinball.
I bet you're wondering, Mark, are we talking 7-Eleven Belton
or the old arcade in H-Ville?
Pete, in Harrisonville.
7-Eleven Belton.
No, this guy knows.
This guy knows all of it.
The 7-Eleven Belton Pinball and then the ones in Harrisonville.
This guy grew up with 7-Eleven Belton.
He may even know me.
I'm sure he does.
7-Eleven Belton, he probably knows me.
Yeah, listen.
He goes, okay, he goes, I bet you can't beat me in pinball.
I bet you're wondering, Mark, are you talking 7-Eleven Belton
or the old arcade in H-Ville?
Both.
That guy hung out with us, but he's not revealing who he is.
Yeah.
So, anyhow.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I will open up a challenge.
Good, okay.
He's got to beat me to get to you.
All right.
Okay, Pete in Harrisonville.
Make yourself known.
We will play you in pinball anytime, anywhere.
Let's get together.
I'm ready for a game of pinball, man.
I'm in this pinball.
I'll stomp your ass just on what I remember.
So bring it on, Pete.
We're ready.
Rob will stomp your ass before I even get to you.
You beat me, you can get the mark.
There we go.
The challenge is out there.
That's the deal.
In Harrisonville, we're ready.
Love you, Harrisonville.
Yeah, and we love you, Pete, whoever the hell you are.
All right.
The next one is, hey, guys, I think Ruth Ann should be up for an ass paddling.
Just saying.
Jake in Vermont.
Jake, she's not listening anymore.
You're not going to bother her.
She's not listening.
No, no.
At this point.
She's madder than hell.
If Ruth Ann gets an ass paddling, it's behind my closed doors.
I protected her.
I tried to protect her.
I know, I know, and she's punishing you to get to me.
So if she wants her ass paddled, it's behind my closed doors.
Rob, I'm so sorry she chose to hurt you to get to me.
I'm so sorry about that.
I know that you're deeply wounded.
I love how she was firing you up, dude.
Yeah, Ruth Ann.
Come on now, be a human.
Come on, girl.
Come on.
Rob did nothing to you.
You start listening for Rob.
I'll let you back, Ruth Ann.
Yeah.
You're my teammate here.
I know.
All right.
Next one.
Hey, dudes, Des Moines checking in here.
I listen regularly and I have my own podcast.
I'm trying to get traction in my hometown of Des Moines.
Could you promote my podcast, please?
The name is The Circle with Kurt.
This is a podcast about strange but true events all over the world.
Thank you in advance, Kurt.
Okay.
Oh, Kurt.
Oh, you need to give Kurt my email, my phone number, whatever.
He needs to get the hold of me.
Kurt, do that.
Go to our Facebook page.
Get a hold of Rob.
Go to his.
So, yeah, it is.
Okay, I'm going to throw this out there one time.
Okay.
Kurt, Robert Radford on Facebook.
My name is Robert Radford.
There you go.
Look him up and get a hold of him.
Look me up.
I really want to talk to you about this.
It is called, his podcast is called.
That is up my alley.
The Circle with Kurt.
So everybody out there, give him a try.
Listen to it.
I'm sure it's good.
Well, isn't that nice?
I might be able to pick up a side gig other than you.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
Next one.
Again, could you please save the sports for a weekly sports show?
Well, too late for that.
That way the sports fanatics can download.
We're in playoffs.
Yeah.
No, we're not stopping.
I'm sorry.
Sports is, yeah.
The sports went way back to Topher and we're not stopping them now.
It's a big part of the show.
We've always enjoyed sports.
And we are the first to mother fuck the NFL if we see something wrong.
So, you know, it's not all sports.
We do talk business about the business of the NFL and the business of Major League Baseball and all of that.
So it's not just sports.
But no, man, too many people like it, obviously.
Yeah, it is a deal.
We talk about sports because we don't talk about religion and politics.
Yes.
It's another...
We've got to have something to talk about.
Why not sports?
Sports is a common ground for a lot of people.
Anyhow.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Fortunately, my daughter-in-law didn't understand that.
Oh, okay.
Well, anyhow, you went on to say not angry or being a dick.
I just think it would work better by doing a one-off or a two-off or once a week or...
We're in discussions with that.
The problem is we need the time is the problem.
We both work a full-time job and we have different hours.
So what you're getting right now is what we can provide right now.
Well, plus we're going off our timing, which is recorded.
Yes.
I mean, really...
And right now we're Tuesday night, so we're coming off the weekends games.
Yes.
And another thing is...
Yeah?
And we're into playoffs.
Yeah.
So, you know, I mean, sorry, but...
And he didn't leave a name here.
Sorry, whoever you are, but it's going to continue.
And anyhow, we don't have time...
Well, no, let me retract that, Mark.
Okay.
Let me retract that.
Okay, retract it.
After football season, we're going to have to come up with something else to talk about.
That's a good idea.
Okay, there you go.
There you go, buddy.
I'm listening to you.
That was a great action.
Let us get through football season and you can have your way.
You ought to be a PR agent.
That was perfect.
Then a fellow will be over here.
I'm talking about checking out soccer myself.
Well, enough people like it.
Okay.
Well, I hope.
They change it from football to soccer.
Who knows?
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe we'll do it just to piss you off, whoever you are.
Not really.
Anyhow...
Or we could go floating down a river in southern Missouri butt-ass naked.
You know?
We could do whatever.
I've got to tell you what I saw in Noel, Missouri, and then we'll go to the last and final email
that I got.
Now let's go to the email.
Hang on.
Oh, well, if it fits into that one, yeah.
It fits in right now.
Okay.
That's a story.
Okay.
Me and my friend Mac were at the Elk River in Noel, Missouri, right?
Then we're floating...
Yeah, I know that one.
I know that one.
Okay.
We were floating down the river.
You know, we had our PBR tied to us.
Okay.
And Mac goes, dude, we see this...
Because it's too damn hot, you've got to keep your beard in the water.
Yeah.
And it's spring water, so it's...
Floating next to you.
Yeah.
So it's cold.
Yeah, it's cold.
So anyhow, there's this really hot Ellie Mae looking chick in a red bikini on one of the
bridges that go over the Elk River.
And Mac goes, she's making fart noises with her tits.
I'm like, what?
I was like, dude, you're fucking smashed.
I look up there...
I want to be her.
She had a straw, and she's pushing her tits together, and she's making fart noises.
And we're like, oh my God, only in Noel, Missouri will you see that.
I'm in love with that woman already.
It was fantastic.
And then I also see the guy...
If any women listening that can do that, I will love you forever.
Rob Radford on Facebook.
So there you go.
You got to send Rob a...
Yeah, just don't get me confused with my son.
My boy is my son.
You're like, dad, your idiot fans got a hold of me again.
Okay, last but not least, we got to go to Montrose.
You know, Montrose emails every...
Oh, I love Montrose.
Got to get Montrose.
The Joe of Henry County, the Ruby of Henry County.
The Ruby of Henry County has to speak up.
They have to have their say in every podcast.
Yeah, they do.
Here we go.
They have every right on this show.
Yep.
Where's my 72 Coupe de Ville bumper at?
I thought you were going to...
I'm looking.
I thought you were going to the Jewel of Henry County Montrose
and retrieving my bumper.
Thanks in advance, Willie and Titewad.
Okay, Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie.
I'm looking down here at the Lake Even.
A 72 Coupe de Ville is hard to find.
They're not that easy to find, Willie.
I'm looking all over the junkyards down here
Lake and Hills Arch even.
Just an hour from you.
And then we had a follow-up email.
This is the last one here.
This is Jeffy at Montrose.
That bumper is mine.
Don't let anyone else have it.
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, shit.
Jeffy was the first one to claim the 72 Coupe de Ville.
So, Willie, you got to have to wait
as soon as Rob finds you.
Yeah, but Jeffy was wanting us to go to Montrose
to find us a bitch.
Yeah.
And evidently, he's got it.
He lives in Montrose.
That's why I've been looking for another one.
I've been looking down here.
They're hard to come by.
Jeffy and Willie, we're looking for a 72 Coupe de Ville bumper.
They're hard to come by.
They are.
But when we find them, they're yours.
Rob is going to put your name on it physically
and we will deliver them to you by hand.
Right?
Honestly, God, I am looking for a 72 bumper Cadillac.
Rob and I are putting on the gloves,
leather gloves, and we're going to grab this bumper
and bring them to you.
So, anyhow, let's take a break.
And I'm also still looking for the front quarter panel
for the Vega.
Vega, the Chevy Vega, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I got it.
I'm working on it.
Rob's on it, man.
Hey, look, he's going to find the compounder.
I'm fine.
It's just those are the two hardest vehicles
to find parts for.
Yes, I know.
That just shows you how original the people that listen are.
That's awesome.
I love them.
Dude, that's a good...
I love our listeners.
It's a compliment to us that we get...
They keep us going.
It's a compliment to us that we get such witty responses.
I mean, it really is.
It is a compliment.
It's because it means that witty people listen to us,
and that's a compliment.
So, man...
Well, it's just people with our thought process,
we'll put it that way.
Yes.
Anyhow, the pinball challenge is out there, whoever you are.
You got to take me on first.
Yeah, yeah.
You got to take Rob on and then me.
To give mark.
Yep, yep.
I am standing in the corner, looking dangerous,
smoking a cigarette, and I don't even smoke,
and sitting there...
And I'm a little dangerous when it comes to a pinball.
My hair greased back, and my Levi's tucked up,
and a T-shirt.
Are we wearing our leather jackets?
Yes, and a leather jacket, and I'm waiting...
Oh, we're wearing leather jackets.
Yeah, mine's right here.
I'm looking at it right now.
I'm waiting for you to beat Rob,
and then you got to come over and beat the cool guy, me.
Well, Rob's cool too, but Rob threw down the gauntlet
a little bit ago, and he said,
you got to get through him to get to me.
So...
Yep.
There you go.
Hey, that's what friends do for each other.
That's right.
And I was not too damn shabby...
Well, still, I'm not too damn shabby at pinball.
I would like to thank the residual effects
of learning pinball all those years.
I would still be good at it,
because when I took up Gallaga again,
when I bought that old arcade machine from the guy in Belton,
it's got like 60 of the arcade games,
I picked up on Gallaga and Pac-Man where I left off.
I remembered it.
My muscle memory was spot on.
I remember the patterns on Pac-Man.
I remembered how to play Gallaga.
Okay, but see, here's the problem.
Okay.
You're not playing it.
It's not pinball.
Well, they have that new electric pinball.
I don't want to play that.
I want to play the real pinball.
The fuck electric pinball?
No, no, that's the big rage now.
People are buying video game pinballs
that are in the shape of pinballs,
but slightly smaller.
They're in a pinball machine,
but they're slightly smaller.
Yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
We're talking about real pinball.
That's pussy shit.
Real pinball with real flippers.
I would prefer Elvira,
but if we can't get Elvira,
then there's other good ones.
The Kiss one is good just because...
Yeah, my buddy in Belton,
actually his dad used to be
a sheriff in Belton.
Well, I think that...
Oh yeah, yeah, I remember him.
F-O-O-T-E.
Who? F-O-O-T-E, yeah.
Well, his son was a close friend
of mine when we were in school.
Uh-huh.
I would go over to his house.
He had a Kiss pinball machine.
At his house?
In his bedroom in the early, early 80s.
Oh man.
His dad had money.
He would have had to put in a big sheriff, yeah.
Well, I'm trying...
I'm in the middle of finding...
Old pinball games are hard to find now.
People bought them and put them in their own games.
I'm going to go ahead and throw the name out there.
Go ahead.
How you doing, Troy?
Troy?
I hope you... yeah.
I hope we still have that Kiss pinball machine.
He still wasn't built.
Yeah, well, ask him if we can borrow it
to beat whatever his name is.
I forgot.
Well, let me see if I can get a hold of it.
Get a hold of it and say the gauntlet is thrown down.
So, so-and-so from Harrisonville.
I really ought to go look at the emails,
but I'm too lazy to.
I forgot your name in Harrisonville.
It's on.
We even got the pinball machine.
So there.
Yeah, we're on.
You got to come through me to get the mark.
All right.
Let's take our second break.
We're going to come back.
You got any story you want to get to, Rob?
Yeah, I can tell him about the sum.
I can tell him about the day.
If not, I got a million stories here or so.
Anyhow.
All right.
We'll figure it out when we get back.
We'll talk.
Ho, ho, ho.
This is Crotch the Old Saint Prick.
I'm the guy that comes in after Christmas
and douses all your dreams and hopes.
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, well, lookie here.
My first letter is from little Timmy from Akron, Ohio.
It says, Dear Crotch the Old Saint Prick,
I would love to have a new bicycle.
Well, little Timmy, I have a poem for you.
It goes, Roses are red, violets are blue.
You're not getting dick, so fuck you.
Ho, ho, ho.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Wait, you're sure?
Are you just saying?
Similar to a heart?
What if he wants such a head-on-the-head-sack?
We are a cute, loose, spanky, likeable.
As charming as a leaky sewer pipe.
Oh, shit.
What's that over there?
Oh, no.
It's the island of horrible jokes.
Ugh.
What do you call a bundle of hay in church?
Christian Bale.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
May your spoon always slip and sink into your hot soup.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room, wait five minutes, and scream,
hey, there's no toilet paper in here.
A lot of podcasts just come from a can.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we pour our own podcasts.
And we are back, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
Hey, I'm Mark.
Hey, I'm Rob.
Alright, Rob, you got anything picked out you want to talk about?
Hey, you kick us off real quick, I'll jump back in.
Okay, that's cool.
There's this diner owner, okay, in Oregon.
And he uses bacon grease to make his grandma's soap recipe.
Diner owner was seeing double or triple price increases.
And he remembered his grandfather talking about the Great Depression.
He said you need to get creative like we did back in the Great Depression.
You know, we got creative on things we ate, we went out to our yard, you know, we found stuff edible.
He said you had to do what you had to do to live.
And he said you can beat these high costs if you really think about it.
So the diner owner...
Okay, okay, now you're diving into my stories, dude.
Oh, is that your story, the diner owner that's selling soap?
No, no, no.
I have another list of depression-era food that cost less than five dollars, but we'll go into that next time.
Okay.
There's your story.
Okay, so the diner owner is selling his soap bars.
And he is selling it at his Sunrise Diner Cafe in Oregon or online at BumbleSoap.com.
And by selling this soap, if he sells five bars a day, he gets $30 off the cost of bacon, which is raised significantly, at least double.
So he passes those savings on to the customers.
So his prices are lower because he sells his soap from rendering the fat from the bacon.
Five bars a day is $30 discount on bacon a day.
Then he also started cow-cohal.
It's a milk vodka.
It is in the process of being marketed right now.
He is able to use a byproduct of his family's dairy farm in Oregon to make this cow-cohal, like a cow, cow-cohal, like cow and alcohol put together.
And he uses it. It's supposed to be a really good vodka, and he's getting ready to market it.
Anyhow, the guy is really intelligent, and he got all of this information in the stock process with someone that lived through hard times, someone that lived through much harder times than we did.
And hopefully we never lived through that bad of times, the Great Depression.
Well, like I said, let me do my...I have the story. I'm going to have to look it up.
Okay. Do you want to save it for tomorrow?
No, I have foods from the Depression era that you can eat.
They cost us $5 today.
Wow, okay. That's cool. Do you...
That will be the next podcast.
Okay. All right. That's cool.
Because I just now come up with my next story, so go ahead.
Okay. All right. Starting January 3rd, 2024, customers in Starbucks will be able to use their own clean personal cup for every visit at all company-operated stores.
Now, this isn't franchises. I think there's franchises. Yeah, there is. Franchises.
Yeah.
You may not do this. In participating licensed stores in the U.S. and Canada, including Drive Thru's, the Starbucks app, and in the cafe,
Starbucks is the only national coffee house in the U.S. to offer customers the option to use their personal cup when they make a mobile order
and the first in the Canada to offer mobile orders for all drinks and sizes.
The milestone achievement goal set in 2022 is to make it easier for customers to use reusable cups and help Starbucks reduce waste sent to the landfill.
And I am all for this. It's a great idea. It should have been done a long time ago.
And my understanding was, I think there was another competing company. I don't know who it was, but it was a competing coffee company that was going to do it and COVID hit.
And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, no, we can't use anything personal.
So now that COVID is pretty much cleared up or they say it is or whatever the hell's going on with it, now, you know, they can go ahead and offer this service.
But if what I read was true, another coffee company was going to do this first and then COVID hit.
Okay. Yeah. I see that. Yeah.
So they stole their idea. Yes. Yeah. That's the way I that's the way I read it.
And I can't remember what article it was on the Internet. So if it's wrong, forgive me. I read I read an article that wasn't right. But anyhow,
No, let's stop that. Hey, yeah. Just saying my opinion. This opinion. This is what I read on the Internet.
I don't claim anything I say on this podcast to be true. I know you don't. I don't claim it to be true. I don't claim nothing either. I read it.
The only thing I say is you have access to since you can download a podcast, you can look up this information.
And if I'm wrong, send me an email and berate me. That's fine. I'll read it on air. It'll be fun.
So anyhow, we got another little odd story here. Okay. You know, there's you know, you got a story too.
No, go ahead. Oh, okay. All right. You know, elderly, they fall down a lot, right? It sucks.
I mean, you get older and your body tries to die off on you and you're still frantically trying to live.
And but your body keeps saying no. So your body keeps tripping you and trying to hit your head so it can end the misery. Right. Right.
Yeah. Okay. So anyhow, maybe not quite that dramatic. But anyhow. Okay. So you lose balance. You lose balance. Okay.
And all this. So there is a Chinese company that is offering inflatable bubbles for the elderly.
Whenever you leave, you put this bubble wrap on the elderly. No joke. For real. You put this bubble wrap on the elderly.
And then if they fall down, they don't get hurt. They be laying on the floor pushing their life alert, but they're not hurt.
You know, let's say you're you're down at Price Chopper. Okay. Or Walmart or something. Okay. And all said, beep, beep, beep.
Oh, shit. Grandma fail. But you know what? She's okay. We can go ahead and finish our you know, we're almost checked out.
We can go ahead and finish this and then we'll go get her and you know, take the bubble wrap off of it.
It's crude. It's weird. But I suppose it works. I want. I'm in good health. Okay. Everybody. I am in great health. I've been to the doctor lately.
Yeah, I would love to have a life alert just to fuck with people. I would. You know, I would do it. Oh, yeah.
You'd be like beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And then you come in there and go, hey, give me a yinling.
Well, I'll be at work cutting steel at the fucking butt. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. They show up out of work. What's up?
I think the electric waves from the welder set off my life alert. No, I'm not a welder. No, I know. But you're around.
You're around welders. So anyhow, the pacemakers, you know, pacemakers can't get in there or welder.
True. They have to stay so many feet away from a welder, it will throw off their pacemaker.
So yeah. Anyhow, did you have a story you want to get to Rob? Yeah. All right. Do it now because this podcast is almost over with.
This is Society of Rock, which I've been coming up with a few more of them. Good. They're kind of like my next American songwriter.
OK. This is the rock stars that went too hard for rocking. OK. Interesting.
And it's called Rock Society, Rock of Society, or excuse me, Society of Rock. OK. If anybody wants to look it up.
Society of Rock. OK. The first famous drummer, Keith Moon, was famous for thrashing hotel rooms.
He used to throw couches and chairs and TVs out the window very famously.
The first thing he did when he got into a hotel room was throw everything out the window and then demand new furniture.
On his 21st birthday, he created chaos in a Michigan hotel involving a food fight and explosive bathroom destruction, which we know all too well about that.
Yes. We know how to do that. Uh huh. Not everybody does. No, no, but we do know.
OK. Next up, Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards survived drug abuse, including stoning his father's ashes mixed with cocaine.
Yeah, that actually made the news. His wife, Escalade, solidified his reputation as a true rock and roll icon.
That actually made the world news. I thought that was pretty cool.
Yeah, and I think everybody knows the next one.
OK. Ozzy. Oh, Snort Nance?
No, Bikin' Ed off the bat. Oh, OK. OK. All right. Yeah, that was very famous.
Yeah, that was a lot of numbers. Although...
Well, first of all, he bit the head off the bat.
Honestly, my opinion, when it comes to Ozzy showing off, I think him pissing on the Alamo was a hell of a lot better than eating the bat.
Yeah, yeah. Well, he's not really proud of biting the head off the bat. Several interviews said I was.
No, no, no. Yeah, I've read many. Yeah, he's not proud of it.
He said he thought it was a rubber bat.
He's also not really proud of pissing on the Alamo either, but I think that would have been a great problem.
Well, it took him years and years and years to let him back. They were so offended.
No, I know. I know. I thought it was awesome.
He can go back to San Antonio and play. Well, he can't now. He's pretty bad health wise. But if he could, he could play a concert in San Antonio now.
For years, he was banned. And also, he was also the rocker that very first, he almost lost his deal with Jet and CBS Records because Sherrod and his wife told him to take a dove out of each pocket of his sport coat
and let him fly in the air to impress, you know, the record companies. Well, Ozzy was fucked out of his mind and he bit the head off one of them.
And they almost canceled the record contract. They were like just milliseconds away. But Sherrod had to come over.
They're going, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to contain him. I guarantee you we're going to get you great music.
This is the front man, Black Sabbath. This is he's very prolific. Everybody knows him. Everyone knows his voice, you know, but he almost lost his record contract over that.
So, I mean, bat biting wasn't his only thing. I mean, dub biting, it started with dub biting.
Just anything.
And to me, that's more egregious because he knew that were going to bite.
No, if they put anything in front of me, they're going to bite.
Yeah, you know, well, he was into shock. He loved to shock people.
Yeah, shock, shock music. Yeah.
It's just like Nicky Six was talking about the famous Motley Crue opening up for Ozzy. And he said Ozzy told him, he said, you'll never out crazy me.
So anyhow, Ozzy took a piss on the sidewalk. Then he jumped down and he licked it.
And then Nicky Six said, all right. So he pissed on the sidewalk and Ozzy pushed him out of the way and he licked it.
That's how crazy Ozzy did. Ozzy told him, he said, no, you're never going to out crazy me.
Then the snorting answered.
Okay, Nicky. Ozzy pissed on Alamo.
Well, no, I like that story because Ozzy was like, no, I'm not going to give you the option of licking your own piss.
So therefore, the top Ozzy, I think Nicky Six would have to piss on the entire state building.
Okay, that's cool.
Lies. Lies.
Well, little problem. He's changed quite a bit and I don't think he would do that nowadays.
I don't care. I mean, if you want to top Ozzy, I mean, you're running for the greatest.
No one's going to top Ozzy and his famous antics and shenanigans.
Yeah, you and Gorgias, that's stupid.
Yeah. I mean, one of the best ones was, is Brad Gillis's book.
He said that Ozzy, you know, he would just disappear.
Okay. And Sharon would put out, Sharon would let it go for a couple of days.
And I think he's in Dallas and they're getting close to time of the concert.
And I think that morning Sharon's like, okay, put out an APB, find Ozzy.
We need him at this show tonight. You know, we got it booked.
So they found him or he showed up or something, but he had his head shaved.
They're like, what the hell?
Yeah. Yeah.
And he didn't really.
Yeah, she put a wig on him.
Yeah, but listen to this. Okay. Ozzy goes over there and he grabs a wig out of the closet or something.
I don't know. They had wigs for some reason.
But before he did that, he took a bottle of ketchup and poured it on his head.
They're getting ready to go out to the show and they had a wig for him.
Okay. So anyhow, so he put the ketchup on his head and they put the wig on and Brad Gillis is thinking, oh my God, this guy's so fucked out of his mind.
It's going to be a horrible show. You know, he thought he just did that, not knowing he did it.
So he's out there.
So it was one of the greatest shows ever.
He grabbed the wig off of his head and it looked like he tore his hair off of his scalp and the ketchup looked like blood.
And the audiences started running. They started running. They couldn't believe it.
They're like, he just pulled his hair off. He's bleeding.
I mean, that to me is one hell of a trick.
Okay, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, I need to sidetrack you because I'm looking at the time.
Yeah. Okay. We got to go.
We're at number three. I got 10.
Oh shit. Go ahead.
Yeah, we got to get to moving on.
Okay. Sorry.
Unless you want to move in tomorrow night.
Okay. Let's divide them into fives.
Do three more.
Do you want to divide this into fives?
Two fives. Do the rest of the five tonight and then the last five tomorrow.
Okay, so we have two more tonight. Two tomorrow night.
Yep.
All right. Number four.
Webb Zeppelin's drummer, John Bonham, succumbed to excessive drinking leading to a failed incident in 1980.
His tragic end seals right on the dark side of the rock star lifestyle.
Mm-hmm. Yep. Yeah.
Yeah.
Too bad.
Yeah. John Bonham, that was a tragic deal.
Yep. All self-inflicted.
E.
E. Zeppelin.
All self-inflicted. Brilliant musician, all self-inflicted.
Actually, a lot of musicians fall in.
Yeah, their torture actually parlayed brilliant music, unfortunately. So, anyhow.
Okay. Well, since we're splitting this up.
All right.
Here's the last one for tonight.
Okay.
Stephen Tyler and Joe Perry of Earl Smith dubbed the toxic twins in Dogs and Grubs, Hotel Room Destruction, and Internal Band Conflicts. Their excesses became legendary in the rock world.
Uh-huh. Yep.
That's it.
Yeah. No, no, no. Man, very. I mean, they're.
Yeah. Anybody. Anybody that's ever followed Earl Smith, you know.
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
Anybody that's followed any of these bands, anybody we talk about, you know.
That was the deal. You want a rock star, everything like that comes with it. So. All right, man. Rob, thank you.
And then there was another five.
Oh, okay.
For our next episode.
Yep. So you all will have to tune in on the next one to hear the other five. Those are really solid. All of them were very solid choices. So thank you, Rob.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And this. Let me go see. Yeah, this is the side of Rob.
Okay. So there you go. If you guys want to look it up for yourself, there you go. But why would you? Because Rob is telling you them. So you don't have to.
Yeah, just just wait till tomorrow night. So you can keep playing.
Solitaire. Keep playing solitaire and listening to us. So anyhow, thank you guys for listening. Have a good night.
Good night, everybody.
Hey, where do they go? Where the douchebags? Oh, my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez.
Oh, glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man, that smells.