Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri, to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
Attention, attention, Two Douchebags and a Microphone did not invent Dummy Down of America. We just express waited. Carry on.
Next up, Things Over Heard in Hell.
Hell will be your main course forever. Now, from this underground bunker camped in Missouri, stocked full of dried guts, canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys, is ramblings of a madman featuring Rob Ratt.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong one.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Welcome, welcome. Today's January 2nd. It'll probably be posted like the 4th or something. But anyhow, so far, New Year, I mean, if you don't watch the current events in World News, everything's going fairly well.
I heard there might be a snowstorm coming in town next week. I don't know about down there, but up here they're talking about we might get a considerable amount of snow.
So, we will see.
I haven't looked into it, to be honest.
I just want to get back to work tomorrow.
I've been off two and a half weeks, man. I've been bored.
Actually, yeah, kind of.
I'll know tomorrow when I pick up my first 100 pound piece of steel.
Yeah, back at the old job with the idiots over there on the Blue River. Anyhow, they used to take a couple weeks off.
Anyhow, that was the best part that I liked about that job. Towards the end there was a little break that you got.
I remember coming back feeling refreshed. I went, man, I feel pretty good.
Back when my new knee and my shoulder and everything wasn't bothering me, I would go work out for two weeks. I'd come back feeling refreshed and lean.
It was a good thing. I get it, Rob. You got refreshed and then you're like, all right, I need something to do now.
Anyhow, but at least we have some new bits with you in them.
Yes, we do.
Yeah, I unleashed one earlier today. Did you catch it yet?
No, I have not caught that one yet.
Okay. Well, it's toward the front, so tomorrow, you listen to it at work or what?
No, I listen to it the morning before I go to work.
Okay. Well, you will be...
That's my me time. I wake up and I put my ear pod in. If we don't have a new podcast, I listen to music.
There you go.
It's my me time as I'm getting ready for work.
You've got a brand new episode to listen to in the morning where you can hear your bit, which would be Ramblings of a Madman with Rob Rad.
Or Rob Rad. However it's worded, there's two different promos that I did. One with the voice guy and one with me doing it with the megaphone that I found, which I speak about.
Oh my God.
So I'll probably use both of them. I like both of them and I can't pick a better one. I mean, I like them both. They're both weird and odd and get the point across.
So anyhow, the first one is with the first one that I recorded and that's with the voice guy, Chad.
And the second one is with me and my megaphone, which I demonstrate clearly about it on this episode.
And where the megaphone came from. Not this episode here, but the episode I'm speaking about.
About where the megaphone came from and what its use was for.
So anyhow, real quick, I wanted to say something. We have some emails coming up a little bit later.
But what I wanted to say is I got an email. Okay. And there's this guy that's trying to dig into us and just trying to, he's always trying to nip at us.
Okay. I'm pretty sure he's the same one that tells us to stop and all that stuff. Right?
Well, he's talking about stories and about how he was looking at a story, the same story, and it said something different.
Let me go ahead and say this again, but I thought it was pretty apparent.
This whole show is parody. It is not journalism. We do not do journalism. We do entertainment.
So if there's a story that's wrong, we don't care.
We encourage everybody to go on Google and look this stuff up.
Yes, we do. That's why I give the websites I find them on.
Yeah, you find something wrong, fine. You make your own choice whether it was our story was correct or yours.
What was brought to your attention?
Yes, and this is not journalism.
This is not journalism, especially if you hear like the new segment, grumpy old Saint Prick.
He's the guy that comes up after Christmas and he's the guy that douses your kids' dreams after Christmas.
He was just discovered in the South Pole instead of the North Pole.
We were lucky enough to give him a couple of Raspberry Zingers and a couple of Swiss Rolls.
And he said, yeah, I will record some bits for you. So anyhow, this is not journalism.
It is now, man. It is now.
Yes, this is not journalism. So Mr. Person That Never Listens But Always Knows What The Show Says, who gives a fuck? Geez.
That's why we tell you to look it up for yourself.
Get a hug.
What was brought to your attention? The more you hate me, the more I want to do more episodes. I want to do one every night.
I want to do a three hour episode every night just to piss idiot off. That's it. I mean, and no other reason.
My son's going to have to learn the trick, but I'll go with you.
Okay, there we go. But anyhow, this is parody. Every episode we've ever done is parody. We're not journalism.
We make stories up. We say shit that's incorrect. We know this. It's entertainment. It's entertainment. So that's all it is.
Anyhow, all right. That being said, I want to go into a little something here, Rob.
And I want to go into how fear controls Jamar Chase.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we're starting off with football.
Yes, we are. And I'm going to read the official email.
Okay, well I'm going to switch gears here.
Okay, I'm going to read the email.
Okay, I'm going to read the email also that Ruthann sent me.
Oh.
Yeah, so, okay.
My body.
Yep. Yes. Okay, fear controls Jamar Chase. And here's why. Chase was asked what stood out about the Chief's top-rated defense.
He replied, not much. Now, he's a football player. He knows. He knows this is a top-five defense.
Now, why did he do that? You know, not much could be described as his performance.
You know, he was held to 41 yards, no touchdowns, no second half points.
The team no second half points, but Jamar Chase gave them no points, and our defense had six sacks.
Mr. Chase, once again, you are going home early.
Last two seasons, you met your fate at one Arrowhead Drive.
Once again, your mouth wrote a check. Your ass can't cash.
Don't worry, son. You'll have extra rest for next year.
To come at us. Sneed owns you. Tell your daddy you're sorry.
Chase is fearing the Chiefs. He has dreams about him.
Anyone that would say such an ignorant...
Anyone that would say such an ignorant statement and provoke a team that's been kicking his ass,
that's out of fear and nothing else. He knew his demise. He knew his fate ahead of time.
And that's why he was swinging his tiny little fists in the air.
Ed, while I'm there, you want me to go ahead and go into emails because, Ruth Ann?
I'm afraid for you, too.
There's good ones.
I got your back, girl. I got your back, girl. Go ahead.
Okay. I have some emails. Like I said, like always, the ones that are like,
hey, great, love you guys, rah rah, we don't answer. Thank you, Blanket, thank you, we love you, thanks for listening.
Tell your friends. Each and every one of you.
Yeah, we're going to keep trying to listen to you, but we simply don't have enough time to answer them.
But thank you. We acknowledge you. Thank you so much.
Des Moines, I cannot say enough about you people.
Gosh, you guys not only listen and download the show.
They're blowing my mind.
I know. They are like little scrappy little fighters up there. Like, yeah, we love the show.
They email all the time. They're fantastic. Thank you, Des Moines.
Geez, you guys are awesome.
I'm starting to agree with you. I'm starting to wonder if we're not going to register on some rating.
Some rating system up there because it's just like it's going nuts.
So anyhow, the first email is from Des Moines.
Hey guys, Des Moines checking in with you. Love the show. I'm glad it's in podcast form.
I can download it at my home and play it for my 45 minute commute.
Raymond in Windsor Heights. I guess Windsor Heights is a suburb of Des Moines?
I'm guessing.
Okay. I've been to Des Moines before, but I don't ever recall Windsor Heights. Thank you. Thank you.
That's probably a great town to cancel.
Yeah, something like that. So anyhow, well, you know what? That's great.
Thank you. Thank you.
The next one. Ruthann here.
I'm never listening again. I am a true fan. I'm just not a mean person like you, Mark.
Ruthann, Ohio. My reply is, Ruthann, you are a mean person. How can you do Rob like this?
Rob has done nothing but defended you and loved you, and you're going to turn your back on Rob because of me?
Rob, don't you feel cheated? Don't you feel bad?
I'm starting to.
Yeah. Rob has done nothing but brought you up, loved on you, said thank you.
He was even maybe wanting your phone number, Ruthann. He thought you sounded kind of cute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I saw her from the gala over here in Osage Beach just a couple miles from here.
I'm waiting for her to write back. So anyhow, when she writes back, I will let you know. When she writes back, I will just forward her your email address and say.
I'm guessing she's quit listening or she's married.
I don't know. She never did answer.
Ain't no big deal. Ain't no big deal.
If she does, if she does, I will forward your email address to her and then she can contact you directly. Does that sound good?
That's good. Yeah, if it's Ohio, that'd be quite a good deal.
I forgot her name. Do you remember her name?
I don't remember her name.
I don't remember her name. Oh, well, you know who you are that is the only one we got from Osage Beach. So and there's a chick. So if you're interested, email me.
Email the show and I will forward you Rob's email address and you can get a hold of him through there.
So anyhow, and you can get a look at Rob on the Facebook page, Two Douchebags and Microphones. So there you go.
So it anyhow. Oh, but back to Ruthann.
How can you do Rob like this, Ruthann? I'm really disappointed in you as a person. You say you're a good person, but you're slamming the door on Rob. Rob did nothing to you.
Why don't you listen to the part Rob does and go, with your ears covered whenever I talk.
Doesn't that sound like a pretty good settlement there?
Not really, that would be fair. Yeah, yeah. So like Rob's like talk and then all of a sudden I get ready to talk.
You simply put your fingers in the ear and you go, na na na na na, and you won't hear me. Therefore you're supporting Rob and not supporting me.
Oh yeah? Yeah.
Alright, next. I hereby nominate Philip from Parts Plus in Omaha for a smack in the nuts. He gave no name.
Philip? Yeah, we want to know why he gets a smack in the nuts and does Philip listen?
Philip, if you listen and you know this is you from Parts Plus in Omaha, email us and then you can give us your rebuttal.
Because no name giving guy didn't tell us why you're getting a smack in the nuts or nothing. He just said you need a smack in the nuts.
Well we don't do business like that. We want to know why Philip deserves a smack in the nuts and a little bit more about Philip.
So Philip, if you're listening, send us back a reply and say hey this is Philip and I think I know who did that.
And give us a reply on why so and so needs a smack in the nuts and we'll go from there, right?
Yes, and by the way thank you Omaha. You're up on our list too.
Omaha has come up too, yeah. You're up on our list too. Thank you Omaha.
I would like to thank since they're neighboring cities.
There's quite a list too actually.
There's what?
Are you talking about Omaha and the moon?
Oh no, no, no. I'm talking about Cedar Rapids.
Yeah, Cedar Rapids is right next to Omaha and we do well in Cedar Rapids too.
And it seemed to start in Cedar Rapids. So I'm thinking like Cedar Rapids told Omaha and now Omaha is gaining steam.
So anyhow, thank you Omaha.
Yeah, Council Bluffs is up there too.
Oh, Council Bluffs, not Cedar Rapids. Council Bluffs, thank you. That's what I was trying to say but I couldn't think of that.
Oh, okay.
Council Bluffs is right next and I would like to thank Council Bluffs told Omaha and then Omaha picked up on it. But anyhow, it doesn't matter.
Okay.
Yeah, that brings me back to that oldie story I told when I worked at Council Bluffs and went to Omaha and rode out the tornado.
Had my tools stolen off the back of the truck.
What a f**k job, man. Oh gosh.
I love you guys. I love you guys.
Wow. Yeah.
Next one. You say Rob has a new segment that is all his. Awesome. I can't wait. Johnny and Kirksville. Well, you're going to hear it on the podcast before this.
Kirksville?
Yeah, Kirksville. Do you know someone? Do you know John in Kirksville?
I don't know John but I know some people in Kirksville.
Okay. Whoever wrote me John in Kirksville, if you know Rob, write us back. Let us know.
No. He would not know me but I know other people up there.
Okay. All right.
Oh yeah.
Well, you have a fan up there in Kirksville.
Well, thank you, John.
The final one. Hey, douchebags. We're having a douchebags recognition day at the center of town. All seven residents will attend. This is a huge news because all of the fire department, city council, mayor and city planning committee will be there.
All seven of us.
Jeffy and Montrose, the Ruby of Henry County. PS, any luck on that bumper?
Rob, did you ever have any luck in that bumper from that guy from Tidewater or whatever?
I have some. I have some.
Okay. Well, then there's no luck on that bumper and you let us know when our recognition party is and we will be there.
Oh, good old Montrose. Good old Jeffy from Montrose.
Dude, we are definitely going to have to go do a live.
We're going to have to do like a live show.
Yeah.
We're going to have the time of our lives.
Oh, hell yeah. We're going to announce it way ahead of time and let you know what day we're going to be there. That way all seven of you can be there with us.
It's going to be. We're going to record the whole thing.
Yep.
All right. Let's take our first break. We'll come back with some mass paddling and anything that you want to speak about.
Sounds good. So I can quit laughing.
All right. We'll be right back, guys.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Hmm. Let's see. If a worm could talk, would it be argumentive?
I may never know.
We're just like a really funny radio show with all the funny taken out.
Remember to bleach your Bluetooth after every show.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Hi, all. This is Mark here. I'm usually the one telling you what to eat during an apocalypse.
Well, this time I decided to go the other way.
You ever considered just going to ground zero and saying, fuck it?
Do you really want to be the guy running around looking for radioactive deer, guessing whether water is not contaminated or not?
No food, no shelter, no nothing.
Oh, no. There's a strong argument that says, you know what? Let's just go to ground zero and see what's for us after.
Just a thought.
When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water because nobody likes a stinky asshole.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Should I record frog sounds in the summer, then play them when it's zero degrees on my ring doorbell for the Amazon guy?
Hmm. Yeah, that sounds like fun.
Brick Shit House Energy Drink!
That's right. Brick Shit House Energy Drink.
Make the best of your own.
Chomp through the balls.
You want to fuck shit up?
Run for a scum across America?
Brick Shit House is for you!
Please enjoy Brick Shit House Energy Drink responsibly. It's not readily available anywhere because of liability issues.
And just like that, bam! Here we are. Two douchebags in a microphone.
I am Mark.
And I'm Rob. And I'm still laughing.
Montrose, you guys are just awesome.
I love those guys. I love those guys.
I hope whoever's writing really is from Montrose.
I hope so. I hope they are.
Because we will come down there and do a show. We want you guys to join us.
Yes. Yes. You are so entertaining.
Whoever you are, your emails are so entertaining. We want you on the show.
Gosh. And then maybe you can call in like Rob used to.
Anyhow, we love you Montrose. The Ruby. The Ruby.
I used to say the Jewel, I think, of Henry County.
Jeffy calls it the Ruby of Henry County. I think I like that better.
Montrose. Yeah, I do too.
The Ruby. Yeah, it'd be glowing.
Yeah. Yeah, the Ruby.
Just like the power plant.
Yes. Rob, we just got him to like us there. Come on.
Look, yours is up.
Hey, if he's like us already, he's going to enjoy that.
No, I guarantee you he laughed.
Anyhow, do you have anything you want to get to before we get to Ask Paddlings?
Yeah. Yeah, we were back on football a while ago.
Yes. Before we went into that.
Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to jump off that real quick.
No, you're right. You're right. You're right.
When you said that, you said switching gears, I thought maybe you didn't want to go there.
So that's why I jumped off of it real quick. So sorry. Go ahead.
No, no, no. I had to go from one story over to the football story.
Oops. Okay.
No, you're right.
I've been known to do that. Sorry.
And honestly, I don't know if I like this one either. But anyway.
Okay.
A little this week, the NFL reportedly decided referee Brad Allen as a fishing crew won't be on the call for any playoff games.
Ha ha.
However.
Go ahead.
Okay.
However, they will be allowed to finish the regular season with a nationally televised contest.
According to a new report, Allen and the company will be the fishing crew for Saturday afternoon's contest between Baltimore Ravens and Pittsburgh Steelers.
So they can sway that too, in my opinion, allegedly.
Ah, yeah, yeah. Well, referee Brad Allen and his crew who last worked Saturday night's Lions versus Cowboys game. Yeah.
Mm hmm.
So they're allowed to work this last game, which is a major game.
Yes, that's what I'm getting at.
Okay. Who's going to get.
But they can't work any playoff games.
Now this is the Ravens and who again?
Ah, Ravens and Steelers.
The Steelers are vying for a playoff spot and they don't want to. This is my opinion. They don't want them in there. So you watch.
Baltimore is going to have all their starters out and if it needs to, you'll watch. The Steelers are going to get screwed. In my opinion, my prediction.
So. We'll find out Saturday afternoon.
It's funny you mentioned Brad Allen because on this Ask Paddling list he just might be on there.
I bet he is. I think we already put him on there, didn't we?
Oh, okay. Oh, no, no. I got somebody else.
Oh, okay. Do you want to do him first or her and then I'll go into the rest?
Well, no. Now go ahead with yours. We'll see if you got him because you may have got him. We've talked about him a little. Last couple podcasts.
Okay. All right. Okay.
All right. We will see and if not then you'll bring him up at the end if you want to. Here we go.
These are Ask Padlins, the very first. These are the people that like really sucked ass at the end of 23 and are really sucking it the first of 24.
So and the Ask Padlins is this for the people that don't listen and you're bad people if you don't know what this is because it means you don't listen enough.
Okay. Topher and I started this a long time ago and anyhow, I think the Ask Padlins might have went back to the first or second episode.
So Topher and I. Yeah, they go back a long way. We've been doing this a long time. Topher and I were walking on the beach and anyhow, we're not holding hands due to other popular belief Rob and Rob's brother.
We were not holding hands. We were walking and the sunlight was coming over and it was glistening in her hair and we were walking through the beach and suddenly I stubbed my toe on something. I'm like, oh, God, it hurt.
So I'm like, when I was because you were too busy growing in his eyes.
I'm telling you there was no no no no no no no hand holding nothing like that. We're just simply walking on the beach, but I'm not going to ever stop him Rob or his brother from this.
So, okay, whatever. So I go, man, gosh, and I look around and Topher goes, man, that looks like a genie bottle.
And that looks like a genie bottle. And I'm like, yeah, it does. So I walk over there and I'm like, wow, there's a cork in it. I pop the cork out and poof.
Here comes this genie and me and Topher like, hey, we're going to get three wishes. And the genie rolls his eyes. He's very condescending. He could stand us.
And he goes, no, no, no. He goes, you only get one wish. I don't care what you've seen on TV. I'm the genie. I know he goes one wish one wish only pick wise because you only get one wish.
I would suggest world peace and world hunger fix the environment, something like that. And me and Topher looks at it. We won't be invisible so we can ask battle people.
And the genie side, he rolled his eyes. He goes, very well, very well. Once a month, I will grant you invisibility and you may do your ass paddling then.
But then the genie got a hold of me one night and he said, you know what, since there's so many stupid people out there, I'm going to allow you special ones every now and then if there's an inflow of really stupid people that need it.
So it's not just once a month. It's whenever people demand an ass paddling. We may give them one now. So what happens? Yes, society is making an ass.
We both turn invisible. One of us grabs the person that needs an ass paddle. The other one pulls their trousers down or britches, whatever you want to call them, and then administers bare assed normally.
Every now and then we grant clemency to some people for clothing if it's not that egregious. So but mainly it's bare ass paddled with a big wooden paddle.
The kind that Rob and I remember in school, but if you are not an Xer or a boomer, you have no idea what we're talking about. Yes. Yeah, the one with holes in it that hurt like fuck. The kind the principal had. Yes.
Big wooden old sparky. Oh man. Or the wood shop teacher. The wood shop teacher used to make them. Yeah. And he would give them to the principal.
And actually one time he wanted to be a really good smart ass and he had me help him sand it down and make it nice and smooth for the principal.
He said since he said you are most familiar with this Mr. Wallace, why don't you come over here and help me sand this down and shellack it.
I'm like oh nice. He goes what do you think of that one? I said I think that's going to hurt like hell.
And you know what? It did. So I was right. So anyhow, without any further ado. That was any school back in the 80s.
Oh god yeah man. I mean I remember. They were allowed to beat our ass. When I first got to. We used to trade swats for detentions.
We get detention. We couldn't be late at home or our parents would know we got in trouble so we take the swat.
Oh no no. I used to do the same thing too. I'd be man it hurts like hell but I'm going to go ahead and take the swat because. Get over it.
Yeah and that was on the deal that they would not call my parents. If you're not going to call my parents go ahead and swat me and let's get this over with.
I was the same way. And anyhow I remember they used to have it on display. The very first old Sparky. That's what they called him because he was like the death sentence at school.
And anyhow they had him in the trophy case next to all the football championships and we had quite a few of those. Very good football.
And it was right next to the big trophies for the championship. Old Sparky was right there and he was the first one when he got retired he got put in that case.
And he was there to demonstrate to the children that if you fucked up enough you would find out what old Sparky would do to your bottom.
So anyhow we were talking about ass paddlin's right. Yes we were. All right. So very first on this list Kiss the rock band Kiss former rock band Kiss I guess now they're retired.
Kiss gets an ass paddling for the virtual ripoff they now plan in my opinion. I cannot believe.
I cannot believe that we're not allowed to see till like 2027 something like it. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
The avatars. Yes it's ridiculous. They're going to have concerts of these avatars. This shit's going to go on forever but I have a feeling it's not going to go over as well as they think.
I think people are going to go. OK. All right. I think people are going to lose interest by then. Me too. Me too.
And it's important because I'm wearing the Kiss Destroyer shirt my daughter got me for Christmas. Your daughter's awesome.
So she knows her dad. Destroyer was one of their best albums. Yes it was. Many many many good songs came off of that.
Yeah I think they're going to lose interest but I mean you know them just even trying this I just thought was absurd.
So anyhow they get an ass paddling because they cannot let it down. They cannot fucking put it down and I don't even think it's about money.
Yes I don't even think it's about money. I think it's about they want people to see what they created over and over and over again into the future for however long they can get away with it.
So anyhow Kiss you get the first ass paddling because just go home. It's done. Thank you.
It was great entertainment. You helped form my life of what we are now. You should be happy. You should be proud maybe.
No. Yeah. Thank you. I'm still part of Kiss Army. Me too. Love you Kiss but go. Go retire. You did your job.
Next. Jamar Chase for writing a check his ass could not cash. 41 yards. He was shut down and left at.
Dude. I see now I'm coming. Dude and quit going to the press and going Snead was trying to fight me.
No. Your comments spoke for themselves from the very start. You started the fight and when Snead was not afraid to take a poke at you back because you swung at him a couple of times first.
Yeah. That's right Jamar. Get over it. We got you again. Your season was cut short again at Arrowhead.
You're going to have a nice long vacation to think about this. Enjoy it. Next one. Again. Again.
Brad Allen NFL referee that completely screwed the Detroit Lions out of the possible number one seed and then doubling down and backing up his idiocy.
He had a chance to retract it. He had a chance to either take the take the play back when they're discussing it go. You know what I screwed up. He did come to report to me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have thrown the flag because they discussed it for a while.
He had a chance to go. I screwed up. But no he didn't want to look like an asshole. So he doubled down.
Double down and fucked the Detroit Lions again. He needs to be in the Hall of Fame and the referees are already in the Hall of Fame but he needs to be like an exemplary example of a person who has been in the Hall of Fame for a long time.
He needs to be in the Hall of Fame and the referees are already in the Hall of Fame but he needs to be like an exemplary example of a person that gets his ass paddled.
You know the Hall of Fame the way this works is once a month they get an ass paddling anyhow. They're in the Hall of Fame and once a month they get pulled out and they get their ass paddled and they get put back in the Hall of Fame.
This guy needs like a special consideration. Like if someone does a heinous crime right and they do this or prosecute them with special consideration.
Well Brad Allen should get special consideration in the Hall of Fame. Like maybe more ass paddling. I don't know maybe acid to the face. I don't know. Something.
No. No. He sits on the podium and everybody else that gets ass paddled has to bow down to him.
Because he is the ultimate fuck up.
Okay. Alright. I can go with that.
Next one down. Kim Jung Un.
For being a little fat bitch boy that waves his tiny little fist at us every day. He resembles a smudgy pudgy small mongoloid with bad haircut and a very tiny penis.
He is a little bitch. I'm getting nuked you guys. Okay. Well we'll probably knock him down and they'll fall back on you you little bitch.
This little bitch took and fed his uncle who was going against him two starving dogs.
People that were not crying enough that he dubbed. He dubbed were not crying enough that his dad's funeral that he made everybody attend. He had executed on the spot.
This little bitch needs to be not only ass paddled. I mean they need to go pull him out of there and just like I don't know man. Bad things need to happen that little bitch.
I mean bad things obviously has happened to him. He's a goofy little bitch with a very tiny penis and is mad at the world.
You got to get to him first.
Yeah that's the problem. But I bet. He has. Yes he does. He does.
He's the kind of guy that would jump behind a bunch of women and dogs. Don't shoot me. You'll shoot them first.
So anyhow you are a little bitch and Dennis Robbin why don't you go over there now. Why don't you stay over there.
Anyhow next. Wal-Mart is getting an ass paddling and you know why Rob?
Because of your TV debacle.
Oh really?
Yeah. Papa had to take his TV away from his old grandson to go get another one because Wal-Mart couldn't have it packaged correctly.
That's true.
Yeah. Yeah. Well I took exception to that and I put them up for an ass paddling because of that. Yes. I defended you.
And my grandson.
And your grandson has been defended. Yes. You guys have been vindicated for the atrocity of you having to take it back, spending your time and also take his brand new TV away from his little grandson which hurt immensely didn't it?
Yeah it hurt me. I know that.
Just so you know the new one works great.
Okay. Alright. Well Wal-Mart's just going to.
I got it replaced. Yeah.
Okay. How about this? Wal-Mart gets a reprimand and a threaten but no ass paddling.
There you go.
Okay. Alright. Wal-Mart.
Watch the people shipping packages.
Yes. Okay. Wal-Mart you're getting a reprimand officially from the ass paddling crew and we're putting you on notice.
That was a banding. I could tell. I banned things to pilots all the time at work.
Well that's why you put a skyrofoam. I could tell there was a banding strap going around all the TVs on the pallet.
Someone didn't put cardboard in between them or foam. Right. In between them is what happened. Right.
So yeah. So okay. So they are officially on notice. So okay. I'm good with that. You're good with that. Wal-Mart don't do it again. If you do it again then you're going to get the ass paddling. So alright.
I think that's a pretty good conclusion there. Yeah.
Okay. Thank you for thinking about us.
Yes. Yes. I was. Next one. Iowa nominated through an email to put Illinois up for an ass paddling for trying to get through a personalized plate that says Iowa sucks. I-O-W-A-S-U-X.
This was the war I speak about. Illinois?
You guys are getting an ass paddling because Iowa doesn't like the fact that you were trying to sneak through a plate that says Iowa sucks. And you know we're in Iowa's corner. We have all kinds of listeners in Iowa and they love us. So.
Although we do have Illinois and we love you guys.
We love you guys too. But yeah. Yeah. But I mean Iowa.
We want. We want peace.
Yeah. And this was an email request from Brad in Iowa. So if you guys want to peacefully hash it out we would rather not give any ass padlins to people that could potentially listen to us. But right now as it stands Iowa because of the Iowa sucks license plate has a pretty good complaint. Right?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So Illinois this is your call to answer back. We're not going to give you an ass paddling yet. We got you on notice and we want to hear your official reply to Iowa. If you guys smooth it over and can work it out that's fine. This is you Brad and this is Joe Illinois.
OK. You guys report to us and let us know what we are going to do. As of right now Iowa says you need to ask paddling for that plate. Now it's up to Illinois to smooth it out or say it's on. Either give them one back or whatever.
There you go. We are fair people. We are. We are. We are fair to our de-static kingdom. We are. To the assholes. We dubbed them assholes. All the assholes. Yes.
And that's affectionately assholes. We love you assholes.
Next one. The NFL again and Hall of Fame inductees Roger Goodell for ignoring the extremely apparent problem of officiating.
Yeah. I was almost. I'm hearing the trumpets blow right now.
I almost didn't put it in there and I was like you know what if I don't someone's going to like wonder what's up. I had to put him in there. I mean it's redundant. I know they've been in there so many times. But again.
I'm hearing the trumpets blow and the angels sing as you said that. As Roger Goodell gets bare ass paddled over and over again.
Hey let's see what the megaphone has to say about that. Hang on. Yeah. Let's do it. All right. Hang on. Mark's toy that he used to piss off the Methersons too.
There you go. All right. That's what's going to happen to your asshole Roger Goodell. Allegedly.
Allegedly. OK. And next one. Ruthann in north central Ohio for hurting Rob to get to me. Oh come on. She's hurting you to get to me.
Rob you can't tell me you're not hurt by Ruthann's actions.
Ruthann. Fair is fair. Rob has done nothing to you. And you not listening anymore is hurting Rob.
All you have to do is listen to Rob's parts and whenever I talk you put your fingers in your ear and you go.
And you're good. And you don't hurt Rob. I was actually kind of enjoying listening to you two go at each other.
It has been fun. I hope she keeps emailing. It's actually it's fun. Ruthann honestly we love you. Come back please. Yes we do.
And then finally to follow this up. Mark as in myself for constantly badgering Ruthann in north central Ohio and forcing her to hurt Rob.
And Ruthann I will hold him for you. Well someone has to because I'm usually the holder or the paddler.
So you and Topher are going to have to administer this ass paddling. And I put myself. Oh no no no no no no no. I'm going to hold you and Ruthann just watch your ass.
OK. Topher gets to watch. Fair enough. Yeah. Topher gets to witness.
Ruthann I nominated myself for an ass paddling because I keep badgering you. So I don't think it gets any better than that. Any clear cut that on the corner.
No. That tells you right there how sorry he is. Yes. And here after that on bended knees sobbing and begging for your forgiveness we're going to take us a little break.
We'll be right back. Oh hey hey no no we have one more. Oh we do. Oh that's. I didn't get to it I guess.
I didn't get to the one you wanted. I apologize. Go ahead Rob.
OK. It's somebody that we have talked about last couple of podcasts because of news stories. OK. The gamer in California that started swatting.
Oh that's right. We're going to get. They called the swat on that kid in Wichita that got him killed.
OK. All right. We need to pull him out of prison if he's still in there. I don't know if he's still in prison.
He's probably already has a swat in prison. Yeah. And not by a paddle.
Well yeah. We're just going to leave it at that. We'll just leave it at that. Yes.
Rob thank you. We decided to give an ass paddling. I forgot all about it. So thank you very much. And I'm still on bended knee Ruthann.
So sorry. You want me to sing the I'm so sorry. Please come back. Please come back.
I'm sorry. So sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Come here. Give me a big hug.
Give me a big hug. Come on Ruthann. We'll be back. Oh Lord. That man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there. Don't worry. I have a clown nose. Oh no. That drunk guy just hit my child. It's OK. I have a clown nose.
Clown nose. Just put one on and you can do anything. Want to run for office? Murder people in public? Just grab a clown nose and bam. Everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and make magic happen.
We are two douchebags and microphone. As charming as a leaky sewer pipe. And now deep thoughts with Mark.
OK. If I borrow money from a pessimist would they expect to not get it back? I may never know.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Hey. Your chair. Produces sound. Similar to a fart. But only once. Such that you cannot reproduce it and prove that it was just the chair.
Two douchebags and a microphone. Raw and uncensored. See behind the smoke show. Watch as the douchebags get stung by its walking bees.
Enjoy one of many coffee houses ordering our heroes out. Watch Mark revisit Clinton, Missouri to claim his innocence for all the mad shitter accusations.
Act now and get both high quality DVD sets and a free douchebag calendar. Mark off the day with a douchebag looking at you.
Supplies are limited so act now.
Now, from his underground bunker in Camden, Missouri. A stock full of dried guts, canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys.
It's Ravlings of the Madman featuring Rob Rant. I am tamed to live forever. So far, so good.
And we are back. Two douchebags and a microphone on the Mark portion.
And I am Rob and we need to give another shout out Mark. Shout out to Grandma in where was it? Dodge City, Kansas if I remember right?
Yes, I'm still awaiting her name. They never did email back.
Well, we're still awaiting her name. But shout out to you Grandma. We have not forgotten about you.
No, we have not. And as a matter of fact.
We need to start mentioning her more.
Okay, until we get a name we'll just call her Grammy from Dodge City.
Grandma, yeah. Grammy from Dodge City. There you go.
Yeah, so. Yeah, thank you. And hopefully we will get a name provided and we will start mentioning your name on every podcast.
Yes.
Cool. Alright, Rob, you got something you want to go into?
You want me to go back over here?
Alright. I can go into something while you're looking at it real quick.
No, no, I got it right here.
Okay.
This came on ABC News.
Okay.
ESPN apologized Monday night for a video clip of a woman bearing her breast that was shown during the broadcast of the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans.
Was it body paint?
It was aired coming out of a commercial during the second half of Washington's 37-31 victory over Texas in a semi-final game of the college football playoff.
A clip of people wandering on Bourbon Street in New Orleans showed a woman pulling down her top and exposing her breast.
We regret that this happened and apologize that the video aired in the telecast. ESPN's Bill Hoffenheimer said in a statement.
I've heard his name before. That's weird. Yeah. Cool. That makes ESPN cool to me.
Oh, dude. Yeah. I wish I would have watched it.
Yeah, me too. Very cool.
You know, switching gears here, McDonald's has released their 2024 menu, Rob, with many customers excited by the return of the fan favorite menu items.
Are you ready to hear them?
Yes.
Okay, you will. It's a little bit down the article. The fast food giant regularly alters their menu every six weeks or so, meaning that the Christmas menu, which features the chicken Big Mac and the big and cheesy will soon be replaced.
On January 4th, the new menu will arrive, including our five loved items, including a steakhouse stack burger launched earlier in 2023. The burger has two British and Irish burger patties, a delicious slice of cheddar cheese, red onions, crispy onions and lettuce.
That sounds pretty good to me.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
All of this goodness is housed within a toasted and glazed bun with a black peppercorn sauce. That sounds good, too.
Luckily for fans of the Golden Arches, the steakhouse stack is just one of five beloved menu items.
The chicken fajita wrap, which was launched amid huge fanfare in 2020, which was really good. I had them before, will also return.
The juicy wrap contains both tomato and fajita sauces, slivered onions, shredded lettuce and cheese. You could choose between grilled and crispy chicken to complete the dish, the delicious snack, delivered in a favorite wrap.
And then there are stackers.
And then these are the smaller burgers.
Yeah.
And then there's three cheese chicken flatbread melts and a chicken enchilada burrito is going to be in part in parts of the country.
So, but not all of them. So those are the new menu items that are coming out.
Anyhow, let's see what else we got here. I've got some new terms.
Another McDonald's story.
A little different though. Actually a lot different.
Okay.
And I've read this in two different places. I have it in two different places. This one's out of the New York Post.
Okay.
Yeah. A high point North Carolina pastor was arrested last week after allegedly assaulting and attempting to push his wife's co-worker's head into a McDonald's deep fryer according to the police.
Fuck. Okay.
The high point police department reported that on December 28th a woman was training to be a manager at the South Main Street McDonald's location when her employees were disrespecting her.
As a result the woman called her husband, 57 year old Dwayne Wade.
Rock Johnson? No.
Dwayne Wade to help with the situation. Witnesses told police that when Wade arrived he walked into McDonald's then around the counter before placing his hands around the victim's neck.
After grabbing the victim's neck Wade allegedly pushed the victim's head towards one of the restaurant deep fryers.
Wow.
Wade also punched the victim several times in the face, police allege, and did not stop striking the victim until multiple employees were able to pull Wade off the victim.
Geez.
He was arrested and he posted bar on $1000 and is due back and forth January 22nd.
Wow. You're not kidding that's way different than the new menu items.
And that's a pastor.
I know. Wow.
Crazy shit. Gosh. Man, you think? Yeah, oh well.
Cool.
Yeah. I don't think that guy's line of work was meant to be a pastor, do you?
Well, yeah I don't know. If he is, it's going to be a prison pastor.
That might work. Maybe he is more meant to be a bodyguard or a hells angel.
No.
Maybe not a pastor. Just a guess. Just a guess. Just by the sounds of it all.
I'm looking at him more like a bodyguard.
Okay. Okay. So, yeah, Mr. Pastor that did that, maybe you ought to look into being a bodyguard and maybe just quit this whole pastor thing.
I don't think this pastor thing is working out quite frankly and maybe you need to look at other areas. That would be more special.
No, hey, there you are at the boxers.
Oh, there we go. There. You can get out all your frustrations.
He has that Mike Tyson look.
Okay. Okay.
There you go. Rob Rad has figured it out for you.
That boxer.
He's got a big old chest of armor.
Yeah, they're showing a picture of him.
Rob Rad has figured this out for no charge, Mr. Pastor.
Wow. That's an interesting story, right?
I've got one.
I'm telling you, I go deep into my research, people.
Yeah, you do a great job, Rob. You do a great job, man. You have your stories and I have my stories. You know what I mean?
You have a very distinct way of your stories. You have a very distinct way of mine and I think it gels very well.
Yeah.
Starbucks is at it again. They got a little bit of problems going on there again.
Remember all the unionizing stuff and they had to open up stores again and all that stuff that I talked about previously, right?
Right.
All right. After a federal judge, administrative judge found a Colorado Starbucks worker was illegally fired for organizing a union,
the judge ordered the coffee giant to not only rehire her, but issue back pay and write a letter of apology to her.
Barista Elendra Lynn Harris says she feels validated by Judge Ira Sandron's ruling,
which she says also backs up the hundreds of similar allegations from other Starbucks workers around the country who have unionized in an effort to get better pay and working conditions.
There's a lot of feelings here, I said. It's incredibly validating.
And anyhow, like I said previous though, rehiring somebody, is that like a great idea?
You know what I mean? Can't they just like keep nitpicking you and really find a valid reason to fire you?
Because let's face it, if a place really wants to fire you, they can find something somewhere, somehow to do it.
Or maybe set you up or something. I just judge that...
Depends on what state you're in.
The back pay and all that's fine, but if I was her, I would say, look, you know, we don't like each other, maybe I shouldn't be working for you guys.
How about if you come up with a settlement money besides the back pay and I will go on my way and not work for you guys, and we don't have to look at each other anymore.
Doesn't that make more sense?
Yeah, I really do.
Yeah, I just don't see how someone can...
Well, I know people have done that. I know people have sued their company, they hurt themselves or whatever, and remain working for them, but it has never worked out.
There's always something happens to where either they quit, they get too much flack, or they legally find a reason to fire them or to keep writing them up for small things until they have enough to get rid of them.
There's ways they can do this. And it just seems to me like that that woman is probably just bait.
But I don't know, you know, maybe since she did win, maybe they're going to be afraid of her and not touch her.
Maybe.
I don't know. To me it just seems weird that you're going to be able to go in there.
Hey guys, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I sue to it, yeah, I know.
But I'm back here working again, so let's just forget about that, let's just go to work. I just don't see how that occurs, you know.
It doesn't seem to me like a valid or easy way of doing things.
So, anyhow, let's see here. We only have a few minutes left, so let me see here if there's some left.
Okay, well let me throw this up though.
Okay.
I don't know if you heard, but do you remember after Richard Ball from Night Court played ball on Night Court?
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, I remember him. Who doesn't?
He passed away at the age of 80.
Oh, I liked him.
Yeah.
When did this happen? I didn't even hear about it.
I believe it was New Year's Day.
Oh, so he just barely made it into 2024 and then that was it. He said, all right, see you, I'm done.
Yeah, well, he was with his family and he died peacefully.
Okay. All right, we'll go through him.
He was known for being ball on Night Court.
Yeah, that was a ball of head.
He also played in a plenty of hats, a facts of life, but I'm a cheerleader and jiggle all the way, and he did extensive voiceover work.
I knew that he did. I remember reading that, that he'd done a lot of cartoon voices that people wouldn't even recognize, realize that that was him.
Yes, yes.
Yeah, he was a very interesting guy.
There was a couple of times I was watching a movie with the kids. I said, oh, I know who that is.
Yeah, that's Bull. Yeah. I think to me his most recognizable one was Bull off in Night Court though.
No, it says no cause of death was released at the first time.
Well, he was 80, so I'm going to go ahead and say something age related like his heart just gave out or whatever, you know.
I said, but he did die comfortably in his home.
That's good. Well, Mr. Bull, I guess you'll be making people smile in heaven, right?
I will always remember you. I know that.
I will too. You made me smile and that's a good thing. So thank you Bull for your service, and I call you Bull because that was to me what I knew you as.
Thank you Bull.
Yeah, thank you. Anyhow, let's see what else. Well, that's really about it, man.
Rob, you go back to work tomorrow, right?
Yes, thank God. I'm driving myself nuts around here.
I've got one more day off and then that's it. Then I go back to work, but that's alright because all I have after that is 30 days until I'm out on the ocean on the Carnival Jubilee, which has a roller coaster on it.
On this ship, it's already like 20 stories high with a roller coaster on top of it. It's going to be fantastic, I do believe.
And if everything goes right, I will be doing a podcast from there where I call in Rob, same concept. I'll have my microphone. I'll have the laptop and everything all ready to go.
And I'm going to attempt to do one from either the Lido deck or from my private balcony. If it works out, it should be a pretty interesting deal. Tofer and I did one early last year.
Yeah, you did.
Yeah, I called in from somewhere on the Pacific Ocean.
That was literally just weeks before I started calling in.
Yeah, it was. Yep, I remember. Because we came back, we started hitting the city market really big time and getting people interactive and everything. And then you started calling in, so it was two douche bags and a microphone.
Yeah, because I think it was in April, I called in and I was at this swap-in shop in Versailles.
Yes, yeah.
Yeah, so yeah, it was right after that.
Yeah, it was really cool because we kept saying, hey man, call, someone call in and then you called. It was like, hey cool.
Yeah, so very cool. Anyhow, so look forward to that. Rob, I hope everything goes well tomorrow when you lift that first 100 pound steel bar. I hope you feel good.
I cannot wait.
Okay. Everybody, thank you for joining us.
I'm getting lazy sitting around here.
Yeah, you know what, it happens. Anyhow, thank you everybody, have a great night. Thank you for listening. Thank you, Rob.
Good night, everybody.
Hey, where'd everybody go? Where are the douche bags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner. Oh geez.
Ugh, I'm glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man, that smells.