Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
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And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
Ho, ho, ho, this is Crotch the Old Saint Prick.
I'm the guy that comes in after Christmas and douses all your dreams and hopes.
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, well looky here, my first letter is from Little Timmy from Akron, Ohio.
It says, Dear Crotch the Old Saint Prick, I would love to have a new bicycle.
Well, Little Timmy, I have a poem for you.
A poem for you, it goes, Roses are red, violets are blue, you're not getting dick, so fuck you.
Ho, ho, ho.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Hm, I may never know.
Once again, it's time for Ramblings of a Madman.
I believe Congress needs to synchronize tap dance for 20 minutes before each session.
That needs to happen.
Two douchebags and a microphone, my name is Mark.
And I am Rob.
It is New Year's Eve.
The Kansas City Chiefs about an hour and a half ago defeated the Cincinnati Bungles.
And they have taken home their eighth Western Division title.
And anyhow, Natty is being a bunch of little bitches, throwing punches and rambling in their mouth.
Jamar Chase, that little bitch, waving his tiny little fist in the air talking about,
Ho, ho, we're gonna kill him, we can do this.
How about Burrowhead now? How about if you suck my dick, you fuck nuts?
Yeah, how you like that? A big case of going the fuck home and not going to the playoffs.
Yeah, rattle your mouth now, Natty. Rattle your mouth now.
Because you got all fucking year to do it.
I'm not saying the Chiefs are gonna win the Super Bowl or even come close, but I know this, we beat your ass.
So shut up and go home, bitches.
So, anyhow, what I really want to get to in the NFL is these fucking referees and how fucking stupid they are.
By the way, nicely done. Nicely done.
Thank you. Thank you.
The referees are fucking ridiculous in the NFL.
And they need to fucking stop it.
Because if the Chiefs wasn't perennial winners and if we didn't have them at home.
And forget about Kelsey, I think he's gone. He's up Taylor Swift's ass.
So, anyhow, he can stay there, man. We can't pay that guy that kind of money to come up with 16 fucking yards.
Sorry, not. Not sorry.
So, anyhow, like I said last podcast and I stick to it.
Oh no, wait, it's not published yet. You know what? You'll hear it.
Anyhow, let me stay on script here.
They don't help run the referees. Oh, the Detroit Lions.
You know what? Here's what they need to do is they need to give them that win that they deserved.
It was complete utter bullshit what happened last night.
Last night, two receivers checked in and said, hey, I'm an eligible receiver, which is what you need to do.
If you have a lineman that might catch a pass, they have to check in the referee and say, hey, I'm an eligible receiver.
If not, if you throw it to them, it's a penalty, right? Yep.
Okay. The guy did it and they still flagged him and said he didn't.
It was on a two point conversion that went in and Detroit would have won.
They would have won the game. But no.
Then on the next one, they throw a fucking delay. Was it delay? Shit, I forgot what it was now.
Damn it. They throw a penalty, which was also bullshit. And I think one of those referees, in my opinion, had some fucking money on the game.
That's the only way. I don't. I refuse to think he can be that fucking stupid.
It was ridiculous what happened last night. It needs to stop in the NFL.
They need to have an overriding board that looks at these games and says, this was so fucking ridiculous and stupid that we're going to give the guys a game that they deserve.
And the reason this is so important is Detroit could have got the number one seed if they didn't fuck him out of it.
And I'm not a Detroit fan. I don't even like him at all.
But what is fair is fair. The Chiefs got fucked. Everybody gets fucked on games because these referees are as blind as a fucking bat.
And Roger Goodell is such a goddamn idiot that he won't do a fucking thing about and I'm fucking sick of it.
Goodell, straighten your fucking bullshit up.
Because I'll tell you what, people like me are getting sick of the fucking NFL and it's antics and these bullshit referees that are blind as a bat can't get their head out of their ass.
Either that or they're betting on these fucking games and they're swaying them.
But I'm fucking sick of it and I guarantee you, Joe, fan down the road is too.
You better straighten your shit out because I'm fucking sick of it.
Now, let's go on to other things, Rob. You want to go on to other things?
Sure.
You didn't say nicely done on that one.
Well, no, I didn't. I was trying to nice it up because no, I agree with you. I agree with you 100%.
That's bullshit. Yeah, Rob, you got it. I'm sorry I stole everything here.
But what are they supposed to do after the game's over? You know?
I know. And here's the deal right here.
Make them play the game all over again? How fair is that?
No, here is what I think. If it is something as egregious as that, they need to award the team to the team that should have won it.
They should have gave Detroit the game.
Yeah, if it's a game-winning situation, I agree.
It was a game-winning situation and they lost. They lost because of that.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, it's complete bullshit because they went and they did the two-point conversion over and then they got a penalty.
And then after the penalty, they tried to do the two- well, some of it's on Detroit's coach.
He should have just kicked the field goal and went for overtime. Or not the field goal, but the point after and went into overtime.
But he didn't. But still, the fact is, I know the reason he did it is because he got fucked and he was mad.
He goes, we're still going to ram this ball in. But they didn't.
So, anyhow, it's complete bullshit and they need to start looking- like right now, the game's over, right?
They already played the game yesterday, yesterday evening.
Right, right.
They need to have an overhead board that looks at this and goes, you know what, we did rip them off.
Okay, we're going to give Detroit the game because they rightfully deserved it.
Number two, this referee's on suspension until he can do a better job. Or fire him.
I agree.
Yeah.
It is wrong the way teams are getting robbed.
Earlier in the year, all this shit, you know, man, Mahomes and Reed are always playing by the script.
They're do-gooders, they're nice people, they don't say things about other people normally.
But they were so irritated and mad, they got $10,000 fines. Or was it $50,000?
They- the referees bungled that fucking game so bad that it made people that have never gotten a fine before in the NFL get a fine because they knew how bad they were screwed.
Because on our game, Kaderius Tony looked over to the ref and he said, am I over the line?
The referee didn't answer him. He just looked at him.
The referee was being a cocksucker. And here's why.
Yeah.
The referee is like, oh, I'm just not going to answer you because I don't have to.
Well, that's what you're there for, you dumbass.
And you should have been fired after that because you, sir, are a piece of shit.
So, anyhow, the NFL needs to clean its shit up because I guarantee you, once the Chiefs lose Mahomes and they're no longer a perennial winner, I won't give a flying fuck about football just like I don't give a fuck about baseball.
You know why I don't give a fuck about baseball? Because they suck.
They can't run their organization good enough to keep my interest.
So, and the NFL is going down that different reason, but they're going down that wormhole right now.
They need to stop it because it is egregious what these referees are doing.
And I wouldn't doubt, in my opinion, if they're fucking betting on these games and swaying it. Why wouldn't they?
No one's doing anything about them.
Roger Goodell is over there with his thumb up his ass grabbing profits.
He don't give a shit. What does he care?
So, anyhow, it's ridiculous.
So, okay, Rob, it's New Year's Eve.
You said you have a house full of teenagers, is that it?
Yeah. There's like five in there right now.
All right. Okay. Well, they're being really...
Actually, these are some pretty special teenagers right now.
You got... Yes. Yeah. Go ahead.
Yeah. I was telling you about that last night.
Let me pull this... there we are.
This is really cool.
Yes. This is very cool.
This... I knew about this because my son is part of this group.
His best friends are a part of this group.
And you can find this story on LakeExpo.com.
It's actually been printed and everything else.
Campton, Missouri, 23 members of the SK8 Renew Team attended the Campton Board of Aldermen meeting December 19th to talk about the group and ask for assistance with installing lights at the Campton City Park.
Several teams addressed the board during the citizens' comment portion on the Tuesday meeting.
And this is, quote, as skaters, we strive to show people we are more than just hoodlums that gather at the park, said SK8 Renew Team member Nathan White.
Skating is a team sport. We want to, with your help, improve our community by making our skate park more efficient and enjoyable for kids, not just kids in Campton, but across mid-Missouri.
The group plans to invite other teams to competitions and trainings in the Campton skate park.
White said he thinks the impact of the skate park could be large.
And this story keeps going.
There's other kids that got up and spoke.
And what it boils down to is it looks like the city's going to help them with lights and stuff like that.
And they've been doing fundraisers, and they're raising money to put in on this.
Like when we get some snow, they're going to go out shovel snow driveways and stuff.
And they're putting on a cruise event in October over at the park.
There's a food truck, car show, all kinds of stuff. And all the proceeds are going to this.
Very cool.
And the reason why they want lights is some of them are older. They work. They work, they go to school, whatever. They get done. It's done.
So they can't skate.
Yeah, I get it.
These kids, they're going to go in, they're training people, they're going to have classes, they're going to try to do competitions. These are good kids, man.
And I can call them my kids.
That's good. Well, they have good influences like you around. And that's one of the big things.
So anyhow, congratulations, kids. You guys did a good job.
And thank you for that, Rob. I appreciated that whole story when you told me about it yesterday.
I'm like, yeah, that'd be a good thing to lead off to. So anyhow.
Yeah. Like I said, I got five of them in my living room right now.
I knew I was going to be on a tirade about football because of the way you're...
Oh, and also, I forgot. I need to do this. Congratulations to the Missouri Tigers, beating the Ohio State Buckeyes and beating the hell out of them 14 to 3.
Congratulations, Mizzou. You're probably going to get a top five finish and well deserved.
Eli Drakewitz, I'm glad they did not fire you last year like everybody wanted to.
Sorry, Ruth Ann.
Oh, Ruth Ann. Yeah, Ruth Ann. She's probably never going to...
She told me. She said, you're too rude. I probably won't listen to you anymore.
I said, oh, then maybe I'll call you a stupid bitch then.
I think I did it.
So anyhow, I have got to, I've got to mention this.
My new toy that I found in a box. I told you about it yesterday.
And this is what I used to screw with the meth heads next door to me. The Methersons.
Oh, yes. You did tell me about that.
Now this thing is cool. Let me go ahead and get it started here.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
That is a megaphone.
And anyhow, I had some Methersons next to me.
And I got tired of their antics. You know, they would be out all night burning, burning, burning wire.
Burning rubber wire to get the copper out of it to sell it to get meth.
And anyhow, I found that device online and I bought it.
And I used to sit there playing that weird fucking screaming noise that I put in there.
And also the cop noise. And it was funny because I could see through my privacy fence.
I could see him tweaking and looking up like fucking yard apes.
Oh shit! Here they come!
And anyhow, I just recently found it in a box. Actually two days ago I found it in a box.
I'm like, hey! Alright! I got the Methersons toy.
So anyhow, it was fun while it lasted. But then they kept going to jail.
And then I just, I kind of lost interest.
They're the people I got my ducks from. Remember I told you about my ducks?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, anyhow, they had like some sort of relative. They had a farm.
And one day I go to work and my mom calls me at work.
She lived down the road. She lived a block away.
And that's why I stayed there in Cleveland.
Otherwise I would have moved out way before then.
Because I could see like the people there were starting to decline.
The older people were dying off or going to homes.
And they started making rentals and section eights.
So anyhow, my mom calls me and she goes, where did you get the goats?
I'm like, a little early for dementia or Alzheimer's, isn't it?
Where did you get the goats, Mark? I don't have goats.
The fuck are you talking about, Mom?
The goats in your yard. They're eating up your red bud trees.
They're eating the tops out of them. What?
There's goats in your yard eating up the fucking red bud trees.
She didn't say fucking. And I'm like, what?
So anyhow, then these goats went all around town in Cleveland, Missouri.
And I didn't know this until after this happened.
But goats like to sit on car hoods. They like to sit on...
Oh, dude.
Oh, you knew this?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And every car get down Cleveland and put all these big dents in them.
They ate all my red bud trees, ate the tops out of them.
And then I get home and I seen the cops over there wrangling up these two goats that they accidentally out of the...
Let out of their yard. And I find out later they have some cousin or uncle or something that had a farm.
And they get these animals for their kids because, you know, they were stupid asses and probably didn't pay that much attention to them because they're doing drugs.
So anyhow, so anyhow, that was the first one.
And then they got some ducks. And then one weekend they went to jail.
And I'm like, huh, hmm, wonder where the ducks are.
So I talked to their mom and she's like, oh, no, I don't think we have our ducks.
And I'm like, yeah, you got...they had ducks.
Oh, I don't know, man. Maybe they ran off.
Then I'm like, I don't know. I think I hear them.
And it's like 98 degrees. It was like eight in the morning. It's going to be blistering hot.
And the dumb asses, before they went to jail, took the ducks and threw them in this fucking metal shed.
With no food or water. Yeah.
So I go, hey, do you mind if I go over there and check that shed?
No, I don't care. Whatever.
And so I'm like, all right, I go over there.
I open up the shed and these ducks come running out and they follow me into my yard.
So I'm like, they're my fucking ducks now.
So I close the fence and I just started feeding them.
When the Methersons came back in a week or whatever, I just told them, I said, yeah, they're my ducks.
And they're like, I don't even think they remembered they even had ducks, to tell you the truth.
They were like...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're my ducks.
So anyhow, I had them up until the point of I did not know.
Did you know that owls attack ducks and eat them?
No, I did not. I didn't either.
So one night I come home. It was a Sunday. I remember it really well.
I had to work early in the morning. This is my old job and I had to be there at five in the morning.
And so I went to bed at like eight thirty.
And I had, and back then I had like forty five minutes to work.
So anyhow, I'm getting ready to go to bed and the ducks keep acting like they want to go in the house.
I'm like, man, that's weird.
You know, they like me and everything, but only, you know, I could go over there and I could pet them two times, but then they'd leave.
Right. They were ducks and they were tame, but they were never that tame to where they'd like to just like walk up to you and sit next to you.
So I'm like, that's odd. They're acting like they want in the house.
Well, they knew that owl was watching them, but I didn't.
So anyhow, I wake up at like three in the morning here. Blum, blum, blum, blum, blum.
And I'm like, what the fuck was that?
Open up the door and the big duck fucking runs in the house screaming and the little ducks all bloody fighting this owl.
And I go out there and I kick the owl right in the fucking head and the owl takes off.
And then the bloody duck comes running in and anyhow, it's bleeding all over.
I'm like, oh shit. So I peel off my t-shirt and I applied direct pressure and the duck was fine.
Okay. So anyhow, all the old timers around Cleveland, they told me this.
They said once an owl tastes blood, it's going to come back with other owls and they're going to kill your ducks.
You need to get rid of them. So the next day I called down to the set.
You know, the Lakeside Nature Sanctuary of Swope Park, Rob?
I've heard of it. I've never been there but I've heard of it.
Okay. Well I called down there. I said, Hey, you guys take ducks?
She said no, but actually one of the volunteer veterinarians here has a duck sanctuary at her house.
I'm like, really? She goes, yeah, but it's a ways off.
And I go, well where? Peculiar, Missouri? I go, shit. That's six miles from me.
She said, sure, just give me the address and let her know I'm coming by. So I bought her a couple of big 50 pound bags of food donated to her charity, her duck charity.
And they lived happily ever after. And you know what they did to ward off owls? I didn't know this. Goats. Goats ward off owls.
Yes. Owls are deathly afraid of goats. I don't know if it's because they like have their horns and they butt them.
But anyhow, on their land they have like four goats. And the veterinarian proceeded to tell me, she goes, yeah, she goes, we have goats because owls are afraid of goats and they will not attack the ducks.
I'm like, oh, that's great. They said, yeah. They said coyotes won't come around them because of the goats.
So like there's lots of different predators that are afraid of goats.
Yeah. So she said these ducks will live a full life here. They'll be fine. And they had a big pond and a small pond.
And for years I could go by and identify them because there was one small one and one big one and they were kind of like Tennessee tuxedo and chumlee was it?
Yeah. Yeah. You know, big one and a little one. Tennessee tuxedo and chumlee. Yeah.
Yeah. And they're kind of like that. They used to like walk next to each other and Valerie named them quick and quack because the little one was fast and the big one quacked.
So anyhow, it was cool while it lasted until the owls came. But you know what? They lived their life and they're gone now. They're in duck heaven.
But from old age, not from being killed by an owl. But all this started with the Methersons, didn't it?
So anyhow, let's take our first break because we're well into this and we'll be right back with more bullshit. Guaranteed. You're welcome America.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Hi all. This is Mark here. I'm usually the one telling you what to eat during an apocalypse. Well, this time I decided to go the other way.
You ever consider just going to Ground Zero and saying fuck it? Do you really want to be the guy running around looking for radioactive deer?
Guessing whether water is not contaminated or not. No food, no shelter, no nothing. Oh no, there's a strong argument that says you know what?
Let's just go to Ground Zero and see what's for us after. Just a thought.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Man, Axel Rose is such a great childhood therapist. I hope he writes more books.
Two dish bags and a microphone worth every penny. That's why it's free.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Joe Buck and Troy Aitman are being all televised in Radio Games of the NFL this year.
As pleasant as 50 grit sandpaper to your inner thighs.
You watch For anni and the like.
More as useful as a car廢light with firsts.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insult from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You look like you smell like shit!
Hey look!
I think we found land!
Oh my god!
I think we're safe!
Oh no!
It's the island of horrible jokes!
What?!
What with the coach?
Say to the vending machine, give me my quarterback!
I'm going to get you!
Cool!
Some place to keep your RC's!
Yes!
Well I do have some Yendling in there too and I do have some KC Beer Company Dunkle
in there too.
But yeah I have a place to keep my RC's mainly.
You're right.
But lately they've been real sugar RC's because I actually found some.
Oh cool!
Yeah pure cane sugar RC's it's the best.
So I'd like to find some down here.
Before I go into things to whisper in a stranger's ear New Year's Eve edition.
That sounds good doesn't it?
Yeah!
Yeah we haven't had that in a long time.
Have you ever heard of Twixmas?
No.
Okay Twixmas is the unofficial term for the period between Christmas and New Year.
This covers the days before Boxing Day before December 27th and December 30th.
While no official dictionaries have recognized it, it increasingly is used in commercial
settings.
If anything it's a good way to summarize the period before New Year and where people
don't tend to do a lot apart from relaxing.
So this goes to this.
There's a big debate on where the origin of Twixmas came from right?
I didn't even know about it until I found this article did you?
Well you said you didn't.
I'm just now hearing about it.
It's hard to tell where the word came from but some reports suggest it's linked to the
old English word betwixt which means between.
Others have suggested that marketeers and salespeople created it as another way to advertise
the holiday period.
According to the urban dictionary, however, there might be some reference to Twix take
a break.
The famous chocolate bars tagline Need a Moment was hugely popular in the early 2000s and
some might interpret it as a link to taking a break between the two holidays.
The period between Christmas and the New Year's is often considered a strange part of the
calendar.
Some people have to go to work while others it feels like is a series of endless lazy
Sundays with post-Christmas TV programs and leftover roast potatoes.
Time is but a construct for those few hours of daylight when you have no obligation to
do anything whatsoever.
So who knows but I do have a list of what you can do for Twixmas.
Are you ready for that Rob because we're all wanting to know what we can do for Twixmas,
right?
Yes.
As already mentioned the Twixmas period isn't a bank holiday so some people unfortunately
have to go to work.
Many would have instead taken the Christmas break off work meaning they've got plenty
of time to relax and decompress before New Year's Eve parties begin.
I was heading back to you know what I should have never went to the rest of this article.
I apologize America.
It's lame.
All this says is you can relax or you can go to work.
That's all you need to know.
Sorry.
Oh I've been on vacation for two weeks.
Oh you know that's the only thing I miss about my old lame job those idiots over there.
That's the only thing I miss about it is they took two weeks off usually and I enjoyed the
hell out of that.
Now I've got to work like hell before Christmas but you know what?
It's a much better job so it's worth it but anyhow I do miss that.
So anyhow before I go into things to whisper in a stranger's ear, you got anything you
want to go into?
Yeah this is 12 Morning Bad Habits that Damage Your Life.
Okay.
And after reading it, yeah my life needs some work.
Is heroin one of them?
No.
Just wondering.
Just asking for fun.
Go ahead.
Skipping breakfast.
Yes.
I can believe that.
You don't get the energy you need and it'll still make you feel tired.
My problem is I get up to about five, I'm at work at seven thirty, I eat while I work
about nine, nine thirty.
So yeah maybe I can get a little better on that one.
Ignoring water intake.
Guilty.
Well what they're suggesting is first thing when you wake up.
I used to do that.
That's what they're talking about.
But man I have to fucking piss off the hook after that.
Well when you sleep, and I read this article, I'm just breaking it down for everybody.
When you sleep you dehydrate.
So they suggest having a glass of water next to your bed or whatever.
And that's a problem I have.
I wake up, even in the middle of the night, I get up to go to the bathroom, I have to
get a drink before I go back down.
I get my face so dry.
You see I don't want to because I know I'm going to be back up in two hours to piss.
So I'm a little bit thirsty but most of the times I'm like no you know what I'm going
to go back to bed and ignore it.
But I get it.
I mean when I was younger I'd go like drink three cups of water because I was parched
but not now because of that.
But okay anyhow go ahead.
Right.
Overusing snooze.
That's kind of a given.
I don't do that.
Man I learned my lesson on that a long time ago.
I don't wake up.
I get snoozed once maybe twice but then I'm up.
Okay.
Okay we all have our own system.
Yeah yeah.
Next checking emails and social media immediately.
Oh yeah man I agree with that 100%.
My life is a lot better now than I don't do that.
I ignore it at least till lunch break if not later.
No not me.
I get up.
I go outside, have a cigarette and then I'll come in and check my social media.
If I smoked then I would probably do it outside when I smoked.
I'd probably get on my phone.
No I wait till I come back in.
Okay okay that's cool.
Okay.
I'm a little bored right now.
It happens.
Well plus I also check to see if we've got a new show out.
Oh yeah that's right.
I forgot.
So I got to listen to it.
And also seeing if we break any more barriers.
I mean last month was the best month ever by double or triple.
This month is the second best month ever by double.
So the graph is looking really good.
Go ahead.
And neglecting personal hygiene.
Yeah I could see that.
Yeah.
You know you let yourself go on shaving after a day or two.
You don't feel as good.
No I agree.
When you shave and you put a little fucking product in your hair.
You go in with a little bit more confidence.
I agree with that.
I don't always do it but I agree with it.
Well it can get lazy from time to time.
You know it's too easy to get the fuck it's.
You look at it and go ah fuck it.
It's going to take ten minutes to straighten this shit out.
I just won't.
That's why I wear ball caps.
Yeah I get it.
You know I don't even have to brush my hair.
Plus I keep my hair short.
I just don't have a hat.
I do too anymore.
Man I kept my hair short for a long time.
So anyhow.
Yep go ahead.
Okay next.
Not prioritizing exercise.
Absolutely.
Yep.
Whenever I exercise I feel so much better.
Man there just something about getting the adrenaline and the blood flowing and you just
feel stronger, healthier, happier.
Yeah I get it.
I agree.
I gotta wait.
When I get up I gotta stretch.
I gotta do some stretches.
You gotta work your way into that.
I get it.
I would always do stretches but I agree with them.
I see what you're saying.
And then there's overlooking your mental health.
Then sit and meditate for a while in the morning.
That's what they're suggesting.
I look in the mirror.
You gotta work on yourself.
You gotta have your me time.
I look in the mirror and I just repeat after myself.
I am not crazy.
I'm not insane.
I'm not crazy.
I'm not insane.
I'm not crazy.
I'm not insane.
There you go.
Yeah whatever works.
There you go.
You meditate, I remind myself I'm not crazy or insane.
It all works right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Next up rushing through the morning.
What does that mean exactly?
Does that mean slow down, eat some breakfast?
Like getting up late and having to rush out the door.
Yeah that's why I don't hit snooze anymore.
Because it leads to a horrible day to me.
If I'm rushing.
Oh it throws my whole day off.
Oh I hate it.
I'm disoriented.
Yeah.
Me too.
Yep.
Consuming negative information first thing in the morning.
Yes.
Yeah filter what comes to you in the morning.
And that's why I don't look at social media or my phone.
All of a sudden you see a terrorist attack, 500 dead or whatever.
Tsunami whatever.
It just sets a whole day.
It sets a dark cloud over the whole day.
100% agree.
Well that's what my kids know not to say anything to me until I say something to them.
If not you punch them in the face right?
Yeah they're going to ruin my whole day.
Yeah you just punch them right in the face when they do that.
Inconsistent wake up times.
Yeah I can see that.
And neglecting day planning.
Which is something I like to do.
I like to have my day planned out.
I'm a routine type person.
So am I.
So like tomorrow morning I already got that planned out.
I go to my happy place.
Down there is City Market Coffee.
I write out some stories.
I sip my, I think I'm going to go with the espresso and follow it up with a very strong
cappuccino tomorrow morning.
And I'm going to just sit there and look out and watch the people walking by.
It sounds like a beautiful thing to me.
So yep.
And last up, oh I said the me time is so important.
Go ahead I'm sorry.
And last up, living in Colorado.
10%.
Clutter makes me angry.
Does it you?
A little bit.
Okay my place is lived in.
It's not cluttered.
There's a difference.
I think that list is spot on.
I did too.
Who did that?
Who did that list?
NewTraderU.com.
Okay well I think they were spot on with everything.
Thank you Rob.
Alright.
Like before mentioned, things to whisper in a stranger's ear.
Like I said before, Topher and I started this maybe the third or fourth podcast in and it
went over so well and we loved this segment so well.
Things like New Douche Flavors, Jeffy X, you know all this.
It's a reoccurring thing.
Paddleings, Ask Paddleings.
Oh we got some new, we got a couple of Ask Paddleings suggestions through email.
Alright.
Yeah, there's a little war going on right now.
But that's not for this, I don't have them all written out yet.
I don't have them all typed out or nothing.
So hopefully I'll get that tomorrow at the City Market, I'll be able to get to that and
get that lined out and we'll do it here soon.
Okay things to whisper in a stranger's ear.
The last one of the year of 2023.
Wrapping it up with a neat little bow and wiping our ass with it and throwing it out
the door.
Okay first thing to whisper in a stranger's ear.
You sunk my battleship.
Not everybody will get that but the ones that do will go, oh yeah, yeah I remember.
Next one up.
Now this one has to be done with a certain amount of look and motion from you.
You have to look down at your crotch and go, what way is it hanging?
Yeah I definitely would.
Now probably 100% of the people that hear that will probably call the cops on you so
you'll have to deal with that.
But it'll be funny until then right?
Yep.
There we go, that's all.
All we want is a ha ha, that's it and we're good.
You give us a ha ha and we're walking away with a big grin right?
That's it, that's all.
We're just simple men with simple ways people, that's it.
That's it.
Next one, can't beat, if I can speak right, can't beat crest for fighting cavities.
Do you remember that one?
Yes I do.
I do too.
The old Dennis White hair, can't beat crest for fighting cavities.
And this is another one that only certain people, this is kind of like a nostalgic one
that I've done there.
Certain amount of people will get it.
Certain amount won't.
This next one is nothing but the same.
Certain amount of people will get it.
Certain amount won't.
Star Kiss wants tuna with good taste.
You remember that one?
Yes I do.
Charlie, yeah.
Sorry Charlie.
People don't want tuna with good taste, they want tuna that tastes good.
That was it, yep.
Next one, do re mi fa so la.
A certain amount of people will answer you and a certain amount will run.
This next one is a valid question, it's a valid question, but also something you can
whisper in a stranger's ear.
Is a pop tart an oversized ravioli?
See, I've always wondered that.
Me too.
I don't know.
It kind of seems like it is.
Yeah, it does.
You know what?
Douche B66 at yahoo.com.
You let me know world, you let me know.
Is it an oversized ravioli?
Is it a sandwich?
Or is it simply a delicious pasta?
And I mean, if the chef makes it, it's good.
Chef Boyardee, right?
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.
Him with his ten chins, awesome cook.
You don't want a skinny chef, you want a fat chef because their food is good, right?
Definitely.
Alright, next one.
Burn the negatives.
And then younger people will go, what's a negative?
And older people will be, where's the photo mat?
I was just thinking where I put it.
The next one, and this was featured in a podcast maybe five ago, Wyoming Doesn't Exist.
So.
Yeah.
Damn conspiracy theorists.
Yep.
Next one, Bon Scott or Brian Johnson?
Again, only a certain amount of people would get that.
Bon Scott.
Bon Scott, yes.
Bon Scott was much better.
Much, much better.
Next one.
But it wasn't Brian Johnson's fault, but most people didn't even, most people in America
didn't even know that Bon Scott, the original singer, died and Brian Johnson took over.
Most people thought.
I didn't know for years.
You know what, I think maybe I didn't know for a while either.
Yeah, yeah, I can believe that.
I mean they really didn't hit big.
They just, highway to hell just started getting some traction in America and about the time
to start getting traction in America, Bon Scott already died from alcohol poisoning.
And Brian Johnson already took over in the band.
And people just didn't really realize it.
I mean I guess they sounded close enough or people just didn't question it.
But Bon Scott was the best to me.
He was a better singer.
I liked his snotty-ness.
He played bagpipes.
So.
Yeah.
So, I would play bagpipes and hard rock.
Winner.
Definitely.
Next one.
Sammy or Dave?
Dave, of course.
Yes.
Yep.
Next one.
Meet me later with the bleach and the old towels.
Then last but not least, Brian Johnson.
Then last but not least, come here often.
Alright.
Let's take our next break.
That's a bad pickup line, dude.
Yes it is.
I know.
That's why I put it in there.
Anyhow, we're going to take our last break here and we're going to come back with the...
I'll let you decide, Rob, here real quick before we leave for a moment.
Do you want the McDonald's new menu and the Taco Bell's new menu or do you want where
old superstitions and where they came from like breaking a mirror or black cats crossing
your path?
Which one would you rather hear?
Let's go superstitions.
That sounds good to me.
Alright.
We'll be right back with some superstitions, guys.
We'll talk to you in a minute.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Good news.
If your good old pal, your dog, survives the apocalypse too, broadleaf plantation is a
good answer for both of you.
The entire plant is edible from root to tip.
It can be roasted or raw and is safe for canines and humans.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Man, I sure wish I was the garbage man.
You know what I could do if I was the garbage man?
I could go to the wrong parts of town on the wrong days periodically in the morning and
then watch everybody run out of their house in their underwear with two bags of trash
screaming stop, halt.
Yeah, that's what I'd love to do.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
May you not be able to gain an erection without thinking about Peter Dinklage.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You look like you smell like cheese.
Oh shit, what's that over there?
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
It's harder to deter gents.
And I'm Rob.
All right.
As we know, as we close out the year, there's superstitions that come across our paths every
year and some people are real adamant about it and some people don't really care.
But we have a little list of some of the bigger ones and where they actually originated from.
That sound cool?
Sounds good.
All right.
First off, we've all heard about breaking a mirror is horrible luck, right?
And I have a couple of good friends that will attest to that.
They broke a mirror and I mean, it was like 20 things happened to them in the next year
and they swear up and down it's true.
And I know another person that something similar happened after they broke a mirror.
So besides cutting one of their arteries and almost bleeding to death.
So oh yeah, it's bad deal.
That would be a bad year.
Oh, it hit him just right.
I mean, he almost died from blood loss.
That's how bad it was.
So anyhow, and then he had bad luck after that because the ambulance got into a wreck
on the way to the hospital.
And then the day he got out, his car got stolen.
And just a whole bunch of stuff.
This is right after he broke a mirror and artery and all that.
So anyhow, yeah.
And the other people had similar type of stuff happen to them.
You know, not the car and the artery, but stuff like that.
And so I know people that swear by breaking a mirror.
They say don't ever do it.
If possible, don't do it because it'll give you bad luck.
So anyhow, in case it's not enough to break in a mirror may bring bad luck.
The bad luck is said then to persist for seven whole years.
A long, long time ago, think ancient Egyptians, Romans and Greeks mirrors were valuable and
of course possessed some mystical attributes, according to the psychic library.
In Roman times, it's believed that each person's body would undergo physical regeneration every
seven years because a mirror reflected the soul when one was broken is signified a break
in the person's health and well-being.
There is good news though.
It is said that if you bury the broken pieces of a mirror underground and under the moonlight,
you can avoid the bad luck.
So there you go.
So my buddy that had his artery sliced off, all he had to do after the ambulance wreck
and then his car getting stolen when he got home was bury that mirror under a full moon
and he was okay, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
That's nice to know back then.
Yeah.
Black cats crossing your path.
You may be surprised to know that black cats are actually thought to bring good luck in
England.
I knew that.
Ireland and ancient Egypt.
Now let's not forget the reason the plague, I think is the bubonic or maybe it was a black
plague, the reason that came about was because they thought that cats were evil and they
killed them all and rats took over and the rats carried the plague and everybody died
because they killed all the cats because they were dumb asses that thought the cats were
evil.
So keep that in mind when I read this.
Okay.
So much so that cats were well protected from death and injury.
That was a holdover because after that they worship cats, but that doesn't answer the
question of why we believe black cats bring bad luck.
Other parts of Europe during the middle ages thought that cats as companions of witches
or even witches in disguise.
When a black cat would cross your path, it meant the devil was watching you.
Apparently the pilgrims brought the notion to America and the association between witches
and black cats continues to this day.
So now you know the mindset when they killed all these cats and then they all died subsequently
from the black plague because the cats were killing enough of the rats to keep the black
plague away from people.
See where I'm going with that now?
Yeah, yeah, I see where, yeah.
Yeah, because of their stupid superstitions, they all died.
So anyhow, all right.
The number 13.
The superstition is so legit that the term trisectophobia was coined to those who have
a fear of the number 13.
In short, history.com says Western cultures have long associated the number 12 with good
incompleteness.
The 12 days of Christmas, 12 months, 12 zodiac signs, 12 tribes of Israel and 12 labors of
Hercules to name a few.
It is often in ancient world been considered a perfect number.
So its successor 13 has gotten a bad rap as a sign of bad luck.
To build on that, there are two events that play into the theory at 13 is an unlucky number.
Each of those revolve around a 13th guest at ancient events.
Judas who betrayed Jesus at the last supper and Loki, a Norse god known for being mischievous
at a dinner party in which there was already a perfect balance of 12 gods in attendance.
I actually knew that one.
Yeah.
You did too, didn't you?
Yeah, I've heard it before.
Yeah, that one's pretty well known.
So this one I did not know because this one I really found interesting.
Walking under a ladder.
I've always heard that, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
I've only had to do it many a time.
Oh, I did it today.
It's just the way that my work's designed.
I had to.
Yeah.
So anyhow, as one of the more commonly known superstitions, there seems to be various theories
on where this one came from.
In medieval times, ladders were often associated with gallows, which is where people face death
by hanging.
Okay.
Yeah.
If someone, you already know where this is going, don't you?
If someone walked under a ladder- I'm reading into it.
Okay.
I think you probably do.
If someone walked under ladders, believe that person would eventually face their death by
hanging.
A different theory is that because people were hung at the top of rungs of the ladder,
their spirit would reside in the triangle the ladder created as it leaned against the
gallows by walking under it.
Some assumed a dead body could fall on them, cause an injury or death.
And yet another theory suggests that the triangle created by leaning a ladder up against a wall
signified the Holy Trinity.
The spirit of the father, the son of the Holy Ghost, because walking was considered a desecration
of God, it would in turn invite the devil in, bringing bad luck.
So it was what you thought plus a little bit more, wasn't it?
Yes.
Yeah.
And I can actually see both of them.
I can too.
I knew the first part and I know you did too, cause I could tell by the way you're talking.
Yeah.
But the second part I didn't know.
I found that-
That makes sense though.
It does.
That makes sense though.
And actually out of all the superstitions, I find that one the most legitimate.
I mean if you believe in stuff like that.
So alright, spilling salt.
This may have started more as bad form than bad luck.
Salt was quite the expensive commodity in ancient times, so wasting it was frowned upon.
It's believed that bad luck was brought about as a way to keep people from wasting it.
Okay, but what about the whole throwing it over your left shoulder business?
Some believe the devil hangs out over your left side of your body, waiting for an opportunity
to pounce.
So throwing salt over that shoulder puts it right in his face, stopping him from attacking.
For those familiar with the Bible, another origin of the superstition comes from the
famous Last Supper painting, which shows Judas again, remember the guy who betrayed Jesus?
Having knocked over salt.
Spilling it all over the table.
I never noticed that.
I never did either, but I guarantee you I'm gonna look at a picture of it now and see.
Yeah, I never noticed that.
Well like Topher always said, and actually it's a great point, Judas was doing what God
wanted him to, right?
Exactly, exactly.
So anyhow.
He did what he was supposed to do.
The betrayer.
So anyhow.
But it's just funny.
Christopher says it better than I do, but anyhow.
Okay next one, knocking on wood.
You ever wonder where that came from?
Yes, I know.
Me too.
Surely we've all knocked on wood to ward off bad luck from something we've said, right?
Well to me knocking on wood ensured that whatever you said was going to work out.
Like hey, did you finally get your car fixed?
Yeah, I did.
Oh, let me go knock on wood, right?
This is slightly different than that.
Okay so the one may date back to ancient pagan times when people believed spirits lived in
trees and touching or knocking on the tree would protect them from bad luck.
Psychic library says knocking on the wood was also seen as thank you gesture to the
gods for bringing blessings and good luck.
In Irish folklore, touching trees was a very thanking leprechauns for good luck.
It was a way of thanking the leprechauns for good luck.
Next and last, saying God bless to a sneeze.
Now that happens all the time.
I do it all the time, but I'm not sure where it came from.
Yeah, I do it too.
Yeah I hear someone sneeze.
God bless you.
So anyhow.
So apparently this wasn't something that came about for the sake of being polite.
Even though many cultures have believed for thousands of years that sneezes expelled evil
spirits, it is said that the 6th century AD a fatal plague was spreading through Italy
after severe chronic sneezing death often quickly followed.
Live science says the pope urged the healthy to pray for the sick in order to light heart
a response which eventually led to God bless you when someone sneezed.
There are dozens of other superstitions people follow and many theories as to where they
originated as some of them might be silly, yeah, but it's been sticking around for all
these years and it's probably going to be around another thousand, more thousands of
years.
You know, the thing is they might adapt and change with the times, but the overall theory
is probably going to be the same on them, right?
You know?
Yeah.
Somewhere around there.
So Rob, do you have anything to go into or am I going to read off of?
Yeah, yeah I got it.
Quick little list here.
Sounds good to me Rob, the floor is yours.
And I ran across this on 100.9 the eagle.
Oh them again.
You got some pretty go to websites.
Yeah Rob, the music station.
That Sioux Falls, South Dakota one?
That ESPM one?
Yeah, I'm not sure where 100.9 the eagle is now though.
I'm not sure either.
Then you had the one from Sedalia?
Yeah, yeah.
Kissy?
Yeah, yeah.
K-I-S-I or something like that.
Kissy, 1050?
K-S-I-S.
K-S-I-S, k-i-s-s-s.
I believe it's 1050 or something like that.
1050 a.m. I thought.
Okay, anyhow, go ahead.
Something like that.
Yeah, these are five ways to have a spectacular midlife crisis in Missouri.
Which actually as you go through them, it doesn't even have to be Missouri.
It could be any place.
I mean, you know.
Well go for it.
Well I checked my new beer fridge.
Hang on.
Go ahead Rob, I'm going to check and make sure it's working.
Oh yeah, the aliens getting cold.
Go ahead, sorry.
Good deal.
Before I begin my midlife crisis, let's define exactly what it is.
It takes place approximately between the ages of 40 and 60, give or take a few years.
All the way to 60?
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay.
One common belief about this stage of life is that you should expect to face inner turmoil
about your identity, life choices and mortality.
Sounds about right.
Yeah.
But here are ways that you can just forget all about it.
Being a younger chick.
No.
No, that didn't make the list.
Oh it didn't?
Okay.
Silly me.
Go on a float trip.
I like that idea a lot.
If you're going to have a crisis, it's best done in a canoe or a kayak.
And Missouri is one of the best states to go floating.
Would agree.
And where else could you reenact the worst scenes of deliverance?
If you're banjos, everybody knows, if you're banjos, get the fuck out of there.
They know the rules.
If you're going around a Missouri, Arkansas border, that's great floating down there.
Don't get me wrong.
If you drop your beer, you don't bend over to get it.
You just grab your knife.
No, you do not.
You just keep floating along.
If you know the rules, you're fine.
And that snake, go ahead and assume it's a cotton mouth.
Don't get near it.
Yeah, exactly.
Yes.
Okay.
Drive an expensive muscle car down the Ozark Scenic Byway.
That's where I was saying you could go be anywhere and do this.
Just play your muscle car and just drive it.
I actually...
It'll make you feel better.
Yeah.
My Mustang convertible before I hit the deer, I did that.
And this is back before Branson was really anything at all.
It was a long time ago.
Anyhow, it was the 80s.
And the Ozark Scenic Byway there was completely different.
Yeah.
You go there and it's like all businesses.
But anyhow, I see that.
Man, it's a breathtaking view and it's a fun road to be on.
So, yep.
Yes, it really is.
Or you can buy a condo next to Lake of the Ozarks.
Yeah.
Why don't you buy me?
Yep.
Okay.
And what was the name of that car?
Mallmarker 142 maybe?
Okay.
Well, for quite a few years, I lived at Mallmarker 31.
That far up?
Wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
That was where I lived, over in Link Creek.
Oh, okay.
Between San Martin and Osage Beach.
Okay.
Can you do that?
Or is it probably illegal?
Let me read this.
Okay.
There's no more Thumbel and Louise Way to signal that you're having a midlife crisis
in Missouri than this.
The fact that it's highly illegal and dangerous means you should never even think about it.
The National Park Service is not going to be able to do that.
Seriously, don't do this.
It's a joke.
That means people will do it.
Go ahead.
I could see some people doing it, yes.
I could do.
And the last one.
Yep.
Move to California and try to make it more like Missouri.
People are always complaining about California people fleeing the state.
They need Satan people to murder.
And trying to make our state more like theirs.
Yeah.
So let's move to the Golden State and start asking them where the cow pie throwing events
are.
And spitting and spitting spoons in public is also illegal.
In the Grease Pig Contest.
Yeah.
They still do that at the State Fair.
Did you know that?
Yeah.
Yeah, they do.
Oh, it's fun to watch too.
Oh, it's fun.
Hello.
Very cool, Rob.
That's a great way to close out this program and close out this year.
Everybody, have a fantastic 2024 coming up.
I know I have a lot of rants in this, but you know what?
I mean, I get irritated.
I say what I feel.
I get it out in the open and I mean no harm.
I think refs are idiots.
I think Bengals fans are assholes.
Not all of them, but enough of them to irritate me.
But above all, love every one of you guys, for real.
Have a great year coming up.
Happy.
Go ahead, what?
Oh, go ahead, go ahead.
Oh, everybody, I wish you peace, love, tranquility, success, and above all, health in this coming year.
And I pray that we all get along better and love to learn to love each other and to learn to love ourselves.
The world would not be such a bad place if everybody was on board with these principles.
We love every one of you.
Have a fantastic New Year's Eve.
And we'll see you in 2024 and we got great things coming.
Our best days are ahead of us, not behind us.
Remember that.
Oh, and one last thing real quick.
Yes.
Something that you told me, but we have not announced it on the air, and this is our last chance this year.
Jason Kelsey won the Harry S. O3.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, he is going to be the 2023 winner, and soon we're going to have the 2024 candidates coming up.
And we have certain rules here.
We can bring back old contestants if we feel strong enough about it.
So I'm telling everybody right now, the Duluth Trading Company guy is coming back because I'm not willing to let him go.
I love that guy.
I do, too.
Yeah.
And I have.
Oh, go ahead.
Don't forget, waiting in the Helms.
The winner of our first one, Dave Mustang, and the winner of our second one, Rob Zombie.
Yes, but don't look at a recent picture of Dave Mustang.
You know, he had throat cancer, right?
And he went through a lot of radiation.
We're going off old pictures.
We're going off old pictures because I didn't recognize him.
He started talking about wanting to put out like nine new albums and stuff.
I'm like, dude, you look, I mean, I love the guy, and I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but he looked like death.
I mean, he looked bad.
So anyhow, we're going by the Dave Mustang we all remember in the 80s.
So anyhow, thank you guys.
Thank you for listening.
We do love each and every one of you.
And Ruth Ann, it's too bad you're not listening anymore because I love you especially.
Yes, I do, too.
She's still listening.
She has said that.
Thank you.
Good night.
Happy New Year, everybody.
Hey, where do they go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh, my God.
Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Smells.