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Two Douchebags and a Microphone
Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I am Mark.
And I am Rob.
Hi Rob. Well, as we all are aware of right now, New Year's is right around the corner, just a couple days away. Today is December 27th, so next Monday will actually be New Year's Day.
So, I have some New Year's stories here, and I think you do too, don't you?
Yeah, yeah, I've got a New Year's story for you too.
Actually, advice.
Okay, that sounds good, because I'll have you do that, and then I'll go into the hangover omelet that everybody says is what you eat after a hangover, and it magically helps.
So, anyhow, Vegas has booked solid with New Year Eve marriages because of the unique date. It will be 1-2-3-1-2-3.
This has led to numerous pop-up marriage license spots as well as numerous makeshift wedding chapels. They are also looking for more legal marriage officiating officers.
You must apply through the Vegas Municipal website. Then in six months, divorce lawyers will be in high demand.
Okay, maybe four months.
So, anyhow, if you are a legal marriage officiator, you can get on the Vegas website and maybe possibly be a part of the big marriage chain that's going to go on on 1-2-3-1-2-3.
Because it is, I guess it's a big deal because of the date, and everybody wants to go be a part of this 1-2-3-1-2-3 day.
So, but if you're not into the marriage thing, maybe you're already married or maybe you still want to get married, Times Square New Year's Eve celebration at the Times Square Marriott will set you back.
This is for just a regular room. New Year's Eve at Times Square Marriott. 12,000 for a New Year's Eve night stay.
But let's say you don't want to stay the night, but you just want to go somewhere for the celebration.
The Applebee's at Times Square will set you back 644 bucks to hang out there during New Year's Eve.
The Times Square Planet Fitness is a measly 400 bucks.
Or you can have dollar slices of cheese pizza and watch the ball drop, but the cover charge New Year's Eve is 300 per person.
But the pizza parlor said bring your own cup for free soft drink refills. So, the 300 bucks at least you get free soda, right?
Yes.
Also, if that's not what you're into, the Times Square, but you want to go back to Vegas, but you don't want to get married.
You want to zipline over Fremont Street in Vegas right at New Year's, it will run you a measly 4 grand.
Or if you want to opt away from all the insanity and relax in a remote cabin in the Smoky Mountains.
That sounds more like me. What about you? You think?
That's where I would be. Yep.
How about a 3 bedroom log cabin complete with hot tub snacks, champagne, and a wall to wall Bluetooth enabled stereo system.
700 bucks, but the cabins are fully booked for New Year's Eve and are already booked for next year too.
Or maybe you could just stay at home.
Yeah, that's where I would want to be.
That's where I want to be too, but you're not going to do it this year or next year I guess.
No.
Maybe you just stay at home and take that cash and pay off a card or go on a family vacation.
That would probably be my best advice instead of $12,000 for a room at the Marriott New Year's Eve.
Right.
Anyhow, Rob, you have a New Year's Eve advice?
Yes.
This came off ESPN's Suit Falls.
You've used them before.
Yes, I have. They come up with some pretty good articles.
Yeah, they do.
This one is top 8 foods that are considered bad luck for your New Year.
Okay.
If you are superstitious, you might want to avoid eating these foods on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.
According to the folks at Mental Floss, these are top 8 foods that are considered bad luck New Year's and New Year's Eve.
Okay.
Number 1, catfish. Eating catfish on New Year's may mean a year of subsiding on scraps.
Okay. Why? Because it's a bottom feed or fish?
I guess, yeah. You've got to go out and catch your fish. You've got to work for it.
True.
I'm guessing that's what they mean. You'll have to scrap for your food.
Well, the reason I thought, I mean, I guess it could have went carp or something like that or gar or something, but I think catfish is more prominent.
I think maybe the mindset is it's a bottom feed or fish maybe?
Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. All right.
I can see that.
That's at least the way I take it, but go ahead.
Okay. Number 2, hollow bread. The empty pockets symbolize coffins and are associated with imminent death in the next year.
Wow. Any type of pocket bread?
It does not feel like that.
Any type of pocket bread?
It just says hollow bread.
Oh, hollow bread. Oh, okay.
Yeah. The empty pockets.
What exactly is hollow bread? Do you know?
I'm not sure.
Well, while you're talking, I'm going to try to look it up. I'm wondering if it's pocket bread. Like,
I think so.
The empty pocket. Yeah, it's kind of showing like a pita bread with pocket.
I bet it is. Okay.
So don't have it.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
There's different kinds.
There's chala bread. There's stuff just called hollow breads.
And there's also, yeah. Okay.
Yeah. It's breads that have a pocket or a hollow in the middle somewhat.
So it's also a beaded or a breaded, a braided bread or something like that.
Yeah. Okay.
Anyhow, I just wanted to know what it was.
Okay. Right. I wanted to clarify that.
Yeah. Yep.
Okay. Number 3, lobster.
Avoid serving lobster on New Year's as eating it may prevent you from moving forward in the New Year.
And I've got a theory on that. It is a crustacean and it's a bottom feeder too.
You see?
Good point. Good point.
Yep. I think that some of these old sayings are translated into what these creatures were in life.
You see what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Anyhow, go ahead. It's just interesting the mindset and that's why I'm going into that.
Okay. Number 4, chicken.
Consuming chicken will allegedly make good fortune, fly away and hinder progress in the future.
Okay. Now that chicken is so mainstream, chicken's everywhere, right?
I think we might eat more chicken in America than beef probably or pork.
So here's the question I got, Rob.
Now is this New Year's Day, New Year's Eve or all the above that you don't eat this?
All the above. It's New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is what it says.
Okay. So no catfish, no lobster, no pocket bread and no chicken.
Okay. I guess I'll have a big steak then.
Okay.
Number 5, tofu.
I would agree with that.
White food, white tofu are considered unlucky on Chinese New Year as the color white is associated with death.
The color white is? Wow.
That's what this article says.
Because a lot of people report when they die and come back they see a white light?
I don't know. I don't know. Anyhow, go ahead.
Well, that's, and you probably dress them in white, wrap them in white cloth.
Oh yeah, you're right. Okay. Sorry, my ADD is going nuts.
That's why I'm breaking all this shit. Sorry. Go ahead.
Number 6, beef. Beef is deemed unlucky due to the way cows move.
Son of a bitch.
It's a pursuit to a year of stagnation.
I'm going to eat fucking jelly beans. That's it. What the fuck?
They had to go out.
Hang on. I got two to go. They might be out here.
If they get pork too, I'm fucked.
Go ahead Rob Radd.
Okay, number 7, broken noodles. Sloping short noodles on New Year's is believed to result in a short life.
Okay, but I can still have spaghetti because they're not short noodles.
Yeah, it's a short noodles.
Spaghetti with pork. That's what I'm having. Unless pork is coming up.
Okay, number 8.
A full plate of food. Leaving just a bite of food on your plate is said to guarantee prosperity in the coming year.
I'm glad you said that because I'm really not into leaving food on the plate. Okay.
Just leave at least one bite.
Okay, I can do that.
That was a pretty good article.
I like that a lot.
And I thought it was good timing too.
Yeah, it is. And going along with that theme, I'm glad that you had that article because have you ever heard of the hangover omelet?
No, I haven't.
I didn't either. I heard about it on the news this morning. I read about it. I guess it's been a thing for years.
So, you go out New Year's Eve, you get hammered. Next morning, you're trying to get rid of your hangover.
They say that this omelet works for hangovers and it's been widely used for years among the people that went out and did a little too much New Year's Eve.
So, I did some investigating. It's called the mega omelet, aka the hangover omelet.
A mega omelet is all about putting everything but the kitchen sink in an omelet.
Breakfast meats, onions, lots of cheese, whatever you have on hand, you can probably use in a mega omelet.
The ingredients, most generally, are this.
Three eggs. Two strips of bacon, diced small.
Two slices of deli ham or cubed ham.
Three tablespoons crumbled of breakfast sausage.
One tablespoon diced shallot or onion.
One tablespoon crumbled feta cheese.
Two slices of American cheese.
One quarter cup of Monterey cheese sauce.
Whatever else you want. One teaspoon of olive oil and one teaspoon of butter to boot.
In the instructions, you'll need two pans. One to cook the meat and one for the bacon and one for the breakfast sausage.
You combine everything after you cook them separately. Finely chop up the shallot.
The bacon should be minced.
Then you add the egg after you crumble the sausage and cook all the meats first.
Then you add the cheese right after you add the egg. You whip it all together and mix it around.
That is your mega omelet or, also known as, a hangover omelet.
That sounds damn good.
I was thinking that too. I was thinking, I didn't need to be hungover to eat an omelet like that.
Oh, hell no.
That sounds pretty fucking inviting to me right off the bat.
I made biscuits and gravy and eggs for dinner tonight. That would have went perfect.
Yeah. Yeah, that would have.
So, okay, last podcast which is going to come out later on tonight.
Or at the latest tomorrow morning, but probably tonight.
We were talking about the Chiefs and the problems that they have.
And I'm waiting for Ruth Ann to send me an email, a real one, not the one that she sent that said,
I don't make fun of other people's teams. I'm too nice.
I question you as an NFL fan, Ruth Ann, in central Ohio.
That's what you do. You're supposed to pile on me right now and make fun of the Chiefs.
I'm really disappointed that you decided not to make fun of me and ridicule me.
It kind of hurt. I don't feel like, you know, like, I don't feel her passion for the NFL.
Agreed?
Yeah, I see. I kind of see where you're going with that.
Yeah. Yeah, that's what you do. You pile on.
I heard a lot of shit from Raiders fans and I'm going to hear more shit from Raiders fans.
It's the way it is. So next year when we kick their ass, I'm going to walk around.
Fuck you, you know. So, you know, that's what you do, Ruth Ann.
I didn't expect that I don't make fun of other people's teams.
Lame. Sorry. I don't. I question the validity of you being a real NFL fan. Bring it.
So, anyhow, along those lines, Tom Brady had something to say about Patrick Mahomes.
Did you know that?
I heard.
Alright. Tom Brady is all in Patrick Mahomes' corner.
He said when he first met the guy and played against him, he said he knew there was something special with that guy.
He said he knew that that guy was going to be a winner and that guy was going to be one of the best ever in that NFL.
He said he could tell. So, he said you could see the fire in Patrick Mahomes yesterday.
And he was talking about the game. He said, I love the way Patrick approaches it.
Believe me, with the confidence that he is as a player, I don't think he thinks anyone can really stop him.
I still believe in what the Chiefs are doing in that.
And I'm never going to bet against a guy like Patrick because I think he's such a phenomenal player and leader that that guy will continually be winning games in this league as long as he steps foot on the NFL turf.
And that is from the king, the best ever, the GOAT, Tom Brady.
So, if Tom Brady says that, yo, what I'm doing, Rob, I'm going with it.
Yeah. Yeah. Because who the hell would know better than Tom Brady?
Some idiot in Cincinnati? Some dumbass in Denver? Some fucktard in fucking Vegas?
No. Tom Brady knows football. Tom Brady is the GOAT.
Unarguably, you cannot even argue anyone's close to him and what he has accomplished in the NFL.
And that guy, he knows what he's talking about. So I'm relatively happy with what he said and I think I'm going to agree with it. What do you think, Rob?
Yeah. Yeah. I believe at this point, the Chiefs just need to pick themselves up, dust themselves off and keep moving forward.
Yes. And another thing that I got to say right here is this right here.
Ryan Fitzpatrick kind of struck me wrong when he said this quite a few weeks ago.
He said that the Chiefs need a really good ass kick in to wake them up. He might have been right.
Yeah. I was making fun of him in his comments and pretty much calling him a stupid ass.
I think I kind of see what he's saying now. He's saying that that emotion that they had last year, they need back.
And the only way to get that is to get the shit kicked out of you and your pride hurt.
Enough to where you jump up, brush yourself off and say that's never fucking happening again. Watch this.
I think I agree with him.
Yeah. And instead, they're showing the wrong emotions.
Exactly. So we will know a lot more here in a few days. New Year's Day, about seven o'clock. We'll know a lot more about this.
Because if this team doesn't nut up after that dismal performance, if you want to call it a performance, that dismal whatever that was, shit that they took on the fucking turf at Arrowhead Stadium,
that shit that they took there, if they don't respond correctly to that, they don't have it and it's not there for the foreseeable future until maybe next year when they make some personnel changes.
And that's it.
So, anyhow, moving along. Nashville and Indianapolis have been on red alert for nothing it turns out.
Oh, really? Yeah. Seems some Internet pranksters put out a series of viral posts of a couple of lions on the loose in both cities with pictures included in the posts.
The pranksters went all out and put up these AI deepfakes in various parts of each city, alarming residents, many residents of the possible danger.
Brilliant. I wish I would have thought of it first. Bravo, you pranksters. They had a lot of people on red alert.
You can look them up. It's like fucking lions roaming around in like fucking kids playpens in their backyard and shit.
I guess there are a lot of people in certain neighborhoods shitting, oh shit, don't go out there, Junior, there's a lion out there somewhere.
Turns out it was all a prank and they finally caught up with it and it was like, hey guys, there's no lions out there.
You can let little fucking Junior go play, little Timmy can go play in the backyard. There's no lions there.
It traumatized all the kids in that town.
I salute whoever did that. Thank you for traumatizing the little bastards. I'm sure they need that.
Anyhow, let's take our first break and we'll come back. How's that sound, Rob?
Sounds good.
Alright, that's what it is then. We'll see you guys in a minute.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors and horrible pranks. What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, will your headlights work? I may never know.
Hello, this is Satan. You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to douche bags and microphones by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day. Enjoy.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
On most of these apocalypse series, we tell you what plants you can eat in case of an apocalypse and you have to go out to your yard for food.
Well, this one is going to explain to you the plants you may be aware of to not eat.
Plants that could be toxic usually might have milky white sap, thorns, spines, or fine hairs or leaves or stems.
Pods with bulbs, beans or seeds, stems or trunks that have an almond scent, three-leafed foliage growth, also be aware of, intensely bitter or sappy flavor,
foliage reminiscent of dill, parsley or carrot.
Remember to bleach your Bluetooth after every show.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Every sock you wear is slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
Music
Two douchebags and microphone on Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Hey Rob, you ever like, uh, order like some french fries, right?
And you get a couple packs of ketchup and it's just not enough.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Yeah, that fucking irritates the piss out of you and the fries don't have much flavor, they really need that ketchup.
Well.
Yeah, they do.
There's an invention now that can help all of us, if you bring it with you.
It is a self-saucing fork.
What?
A self-saucing fork.
Let me explain.
Alright. If you're a fan of mayo, ketchup and mustard, the latest invention by a German condiment brand, Thomey, will blow you away.
A fork that sauces.
You heard it right.
The brand alongside McCann Frankfurt created a fork attachment to allow for optimal fork grabbing sauce eating.
The self-proclaimed unnecessary necessity invention is a reusable attachment which allows users to pick up snacks with a fork and add condiments with just a squeeze.
With all the doom and gloom of recent times, this lighthearted concept encourages a little bit of indulgence for those who can't bear the thought of food without saucy add-ons.
So, anyhow, what it is is I looked it up and it's a hollow fork, okay, with a screw, what would you call it?
Shit.
A thread.
With threads on it.
It has a little tab there with threads on it.
With this thread is a little tab.
With this thread is a condiment container that you screw onto it.
So whenever you want sauce, you got your fork, let's say deep in a fry, you want to add a little ketchup, you squeeze the condiment bag that is connected to the fork and it automatically sauces your fork.
It automatically sauces your french fry or onion ring or whatever you want sauced.
So.
That is cool.
Yeah.
And I mean, let's say that you don't care that much, you know, you can always add your own.
I think we all know people that would benefit from this, right?
Yeah.
I know people that would just be ecstatic if I got them one of them.
Yeah, we're going to have to wait until next Christmas.
Yep, same here.
Yep, too late now.
Hey, Rob, you got something you want to go into?
Yeah, yeah, I found this pretty cool story here.
Okay.
This is KSIS 1050 AM out of Sedalia.
Okay.
I'm guessing that would be Sedalia, Missouri.
I think probably so.
I know of other...
I don't know of any other Sedalia's anywhere in America, do you?
I know I don't recall hearing of any.
Okay.
Well, anyhow, go ahead.
All right, here we go. I know everyone, you're all looking for some excitement, some fun in this new year of 2024, but I'm afraid I have to crush your fun.
I was touring around on the internet looking for some things happening throughout the state of Missouri.
Okay.
I then randomly came across this, which I made sure to double check.
I'm not sure what it was, but I'm sure it was a
report of a man who was in the car.
Okay.
These are not my words.
I'm reading what the reporter said.
Okay, go ahead.
It says 578.176.
Bear Rasslin, if you see one, rassles a bear.
Two, permits bear rasslin to be done on any premises under his or her charge or control.
Okay.
Three, three, permits conducts or stages bear rasslin.
Four, advertises bear rasslin.
Five, collects any admission fee for bear rasslin.
Six, works his or possesses a bear, which he or she knows will be used for bear rasslin.
Seven, trains a bear for bear rasslin.
Eight, subjects a bear to surgical altercation for bear rasslin.
So I know, I know this is just traumatic to you.
I know you were looking forward to getting together with your bros to impress some ladies,
but you cannot wrestle the godless killing machines that are known as bears.
If you do, you're going to end up in the slammer.
What if you got to go to the hospital first? Do you go to the hospital first, then the slammer?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They always give you medical attention first.
Okay, okay. Well that's good to know because that might be a possibility, right?
That is a law in the state of Missouri.
And only Sedalia would uncover that, right?
That's the only place I've found it so far.
That crack staff at 1050 whatever, whatever, whatever.
Yes, KSIS radio at 1050 AM out of Sedalia.
Thank you, KSIS 1050 AM radio out of Sedalia. We appreciate it.
That was some very knowledgeable news right there.
I'm glad because I was actually thinking about doing all of the things that were mentioned.
I'm so glad that I know I'm not supposed to do that now.
I mean I could have went to jail for all the bare shit that I was going to do.
So thank you, Rob. Thank you for the great sleuth work and the uncovering of that and the journalism with integrity.
We appreciate you.
Thank you.
And Ohio McDonald's was closed by the health inspectors after a customer reported getting a crack pipe in a drive-through breakfast order.
Uh huh.
The anonymous customer initially posted on Reddit about the disturbing find in this Tuesday morning order at one of the fast food chain's locations in Columbus.
He said he brought, I wonder if Ruth Ann ever went through that McDonald's.
Oh come on, get off of her, Marv. Get off of her.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Ruth Ann. You're a faithful listener and we appreciate it and we love you.
I apologize, Ruth Ann.
Yep.
You're just having a real fun.
Even if you're mad at me, you can't be mad at Rob. Rob's been defending you this whole time. He's been nothing but a gentleman and charming to you.
So you can stay mad at me, but just listen for Rob, right?
Yep.
It would be unfair not to listen.
Well.
It would be unfair not to listen. It would be unfair to Rob because Rob has done nothing to you, Ruth Ann. I've been the mouthy one. I've been the one constantly badgering and poking at you.
So it would be unfair to hurt Rob to get to me, right?
And just so you know, it's all in fun. All in fun, Ruth Ann.
I think she knows. I'm just having fun.
So anyhow, he brought the bag back inside to the store, alerting a manager so that something similar wouldn't end up in a happy meal.
However, he declined and offered a refund and instead reported it to Franklin County Public Health. The post said, I don't know why he wouldn't get a refund.
You know?
Said he didn't want a refund?
I don't know.
So, oh, no. Okay. Health inspectors then closed the location Wednesday after finding multiple health code violations during building work there, according to the Columbus Dispatch.
Construction workers were moving freely throughout the restaurant, leaving construction dust on surfaces of food preparation counters, equipment and flooring.
The inspectors report noted, according to the dispatch, beverage service equipment such as soda dispenser, frappuccino machine.
That would not be a frappuccino machine. That is a Starbucks licensed name. It would be a frappe pain machine, Columbus Dispatch.
So frozen beverage dispenser, coffee machine, had dust, debris, screws, unassembled computer equipment, wooden trim pieces on the top surfaces, report states.
Okay, you know what? Here's what I think might have happened.
I think that one of the construction workers was a crack addict and accidentally lost his crack pipe in one of the bags.
Doesn't that make sense?
See, I read that story.
Oh, that's why you had that reaction.
Okay.
I don't know.
It's just awfully weird it just appeared.
No, I thought that too, but the guy isn't asking for...
Because the manager was taking up for their employees.
Yeah, it was fishy sounding, but what is the end game? Why would someone do that is what I'm saying.
The guy isn't asking for anything. There's nothing he can really sue for. I mean, you know, he brought the meal back, he didn't take a refund, done deal. Okay, it's over, right?
So what would be the end game is what I'm saying. I mean, there's got to be some sort of an end game if he did that himself for whatever.
He's not trying to smear the name of the place. You know what I mean?
I don't know. See, I couldn't figure that out either.
So, I don't know. You know what, I'm sure they'll uncover exactly what happened sooner or later and I'm going to try to keep that in mind.
It could be something as simple as he just wants to teach him a lesson. Hey, if you're going to be doing construction you need to be close. You're working with food.
Hey, you know what, that's actually a pretty good thought right there because if he is trying to teach him something, what better way than to say something absurd like, hey, there's a crack pipe in here.
Yeah, yeah, she's got a crack pipe that got put into his bag.
Yeah, I mean, the only thing I could think of is maybe a construction worker was doing some crack on his break and lost it in there.
I mean, there's obviously not like some drug addict. Well, I guess it could have been a drug addict employee maybe.
Yeah, yeah. See, and that's what they originally shut down for was to shut that out.
But then here come all these allegations about the construction work too.
So they got to get it all straightened up now.
Yeah, or maybe it's a non-union site and the guy was a union.
That could be.
Or vice versa.
But very well, I did not think of that.
I just now thought of it when we're talking it over.
Oh, well, you know what, I'm going to keep monitoring this story and if there is some sort of a conclusion, I will sleuth it out and bring it back to everybody.
So, but anyhow, while we're talking about cheeseburgers, Wendy's has a couple of really good deals going on the end of the year and the first of next year.
We all love a good cheeseburger. We especially love one at a good price, which is why we tend to head one of our favorite fast food spots for a quick grab and go when we're craving a burger.
However, with prices rising in the fast food world, we're always on the lookout for an extra deal or two to help save some cash.
Thankfully, Wendy's has come through time and time again with some solid offerings in that department.
In fact, the chain gifted us with 12 days of holiday deals this month.
And if that weren't enough, Wendy's is closing out the month of December with another can't miss deal.
Back in September, the chain had us all excited when it announced it was selling cheeseburgers for just one cent for an entire week in honor of National Cheeseburger Day.
Wendy's is back with a similar deal, but it is National Bacon Day deal, which is December 30th.
It runs from there through the first of the year. It is a bacon cheeseburger for one cent.
Hallelujah.
Yes, that's what I say.
So, anyhow, you can get it from December 22nd to January 2nd at all participating Wendy's.
It's Applewood smoked bacon cheeseburger, just like they have on the menu.
The same thing, and you can get it from their app in the deals section of their app.
So if you want to take advantage of this, make sure you have the app loaded.
And it is in the deals section, which is over in the corner, according to this article.
So you go on your app, you go over into the right hand corner, I believe is what it said, and you look for the deals and it's under the deals.
And that would be the one cent bacon cheeseburger.
And that's from December 27th through, where the hell is it, January 2nd.
So you've got roughly about a week to enjoy this.
And I suggest do it. It's a great cheeseburger anyhow, but for one cent, that's a whole new game there, isn't it?
Yeah, that is.
Alright, Rob, let's switch gears. Let's come back with the end of the year, Harry Asshole Olympics.
What do you think of that?
Let's do it.
Alright, we'll be right back with the Harry Asshole Olympics.
The final one where we're going to crown the 2023, and then this crowned new Harry Asshole guy or gal is going to go against the 2024 electees.
So we'll talk you guys here in a minute.
I'm going to start with the testimonials from some satisfied customers.
Stupid futsack come to me. He talk stupid. He no let me go. Smell like sack of shit. He spit talk all over. I remember smacking balls. I use shit sack. Shit sack lie on ground. I walk off. Thank you smacking the balls. You saved me from smelly smelly spit.
Well, I had this stupid son of a bitch come around me. He would not shut his fucking yap or for nothing. He gets up on me and he talks all stupid. And I didn't know what to do. I could not shake this motherfucker like a burger.
Then I remember smacking the nuts. I pulled out old smacking the nuts and that motherfucker went down like a sack of fucking potatoes. Thank you smacking the nuts. You saved me once again from stupid motherfuckers.
Smacking the nuts. Don't leave home without it.
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Mary, your grandmother always intruded your thoughts at the last minute while you are masturbating.
And we are back. Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Alright, as promised, we have the Harry Asshole Olympics end of the year special. We're going to crown the new Harry Asshole 2023.
And he's going to go against the first quarter of 2024 starting, I don't know, maybe a few weeks into it. We're going to have him go against our new electees.
So, anyhow, Rob, you have all the nominees or all the winners there. Do you want to do the honors?
This is going to be a tough night, buddy.
I know it is. I know it is. When you sent me the finalists.
You want to talk about a battle royale.
So, a lot of these are probably going to end up going to Topher and he's going to have to pick. Agreed?
Anyhow.
Very well, good chance.
Yeah. Anyhow, go ahead, Rob, with the first.
Okay, let's go Phil Robertson.
Yep.
This is Dan Haggerty.
Oh.
Wow.
I don't know. They're both about equally as hairy if you think about it.
Yeah.
With the beards, the long hair, everything.
You want to sit?
Dan's cleaner.
Is he?
Yeah, Phil takes a bath maybe once a week.
Yeah, you're probably right. Dan Haggerty, Grizzly Adams, was a cleaner looking guy.
Okay, alright, then let's go with Phil Robertson.
Okay.
Alright, next up.
Wolfgang Van Halen versus Ted Nugent.
I'm going to go with Sweaty Teddy.
Actually, I think I'm going to go with him too.
Because of the sweat.
Yeah, Sweaty Teddy, and I don't think that he bays very much. He is a mountain man.
He fishes and hunts and doesn't take a lot of showers and is very hairy and wears a loin cloth and just all the above things that you would associate with having a very hairy asshole.
So, alright, Sweaty Teddy it is.
Next up.
Wolfman Jack versus Breeze and Brady.
Ooh.
You got any way you're going on this at all. You got any angle.
Ooh.
I really don't have an angle at all. I can go on this.
Yes. Yes.
Breeze and Brady was a wrestler, Mark.
Oh, okay.
We kicked wrestlers off because they have to wear drop straps.
Yeah, that's right. Okay, Wolfman Jack.
Because Wolfman Jack, he was the kind of guy he would just let it fucking go crazy.
He didn't care. He was a hippie. He had his number one syndicated rock and roll show at night when rock and roll was king and was glamorous and all the beatniks loved him and he probably slept on the beach most nights.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, going in that angle I would say Wolfman Jack probably takes it.
Yep, alright.
Alright.
Next up. Eddie K. Thomas aka Finch from American Pie.
Uh huh.
Versus Duluth the Trading Guy.
I'm going to go with Duluth the Trading Guy because he's so sullied. That guy is hairy.
I agree.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that one was the only no brainer when I looked it over when you sent it to me. That was the only no brainer.
Yep.
Okay. Alright, Duluth the Trading Guy it is.
Oh, this fight. The final one on this one is going to be a tough one.
Okay.
Jason Kelsey versus Caesar from Planet of the Apes.
Ooh.
Hmm.
Want to send that one to Topher's desk?
Yeah, how about this. We'll send that one to Topher.
Okay.
And then we can hash out the last four.
Okay, that sounds good. Okay, so let's see. Okay, that was um.
Jason Kelsey versus Caesar from Planet of the Apes.
Yep.
Okay, that goes to Topher.
Okay.
Alright, next one.
Okay. Alright, next one.
What'd you say?
Let's go Phil Robertson and Ted Nidji.
Ooh.
I'll just keep them in order.
Yeah.
Um. I think. I don't know. Man, okay.
They're both probably about the same age.
They both take about the same amount of showers per week, which might be none.
They both are mountain men kind of. They both like do a lot of sporting and game.
I'm going to say sweaty teddy and here's why. And this is just a hunch. Nothing else.
I think a sweaty teddy does not like to comply with rules. So I think he would purposely grow his asshole hair out and be proud of it.
Well, I think Phil Robertson would have asshole hair, but he's not all that proud of it. He's like, yeah, yeah, you know, I don't really do much down there. I never really thought about it.
That's my thought.
I'll give you that. I'll give you that. That's a good argument.
Yeah. And that's the only angle I could come up with. So. And also the name sweaty teddy. So. Yeah. Okay, sweaty teddy it is.
Next one, please. Yeah. To be honest, a lot of times when I see Phil Robertson, he's sitting down on his butt. So. Yeah. That's it. And there's a recliner. That's true. That's true.
It's not Robertson. It's Robertson, right? Yeah. Yeah. Robertson. I don't know why I called him Robertson, but anyhow. Okay.
Next one. This is back to Wolfman Jack and the Loot Trading guy.
The Loot Trading guy.
Who? I'm going to go with the Loot Trading guy because he's just so solid. The guy's got hair everywhere and he has underwear that squeezes his fucking hair out and his fucking nutsack and everything.
And he like dances and he's got hair on his back and he's just he's just an ape looking guy.
Were Wolfman Jack? Yeah, he was like really hairy and everything. But I just think that the Loot Trading guy is like the ultimate hairy fucking guy.
What do you think?
I agree. That was a he was an awesome pick. He was awesome. He was.
Okay, next one.
Okay, so the winner of this battle coming up.
Takes on the winner of Jason Kelsey and Caesar. And we'll have another show coming up before the end of the year. So the winner will be picked this year to go on to battle next year.
Yeah, yeah. And also we'll have a discussion off air.
And also I have some you know what I have some bits I have you do but I'll talk to you about it then too.
Okay, so we'll figure all that out a little bit later. So okay. What is the what is the last one here?
I'll go with Ted versus Duluth.
Oh.
I'm gonna have to go with Duluth.
Once again. I'm gonna go with him too.
He's just such a hairy fucking bastard.
That guy is as strong as candidate as it comes.
Alright, so whoever wins between Jason Kelsey and Caesar a plant of the apes. They are going to take on Duluth trading.
Wow.
Honestly, I could see Duluth trading guy winning it all.
And then we'll see what kind of candidates we come up next. But you know what? We're going to leave the Jason Kelsey Caesar plant of the apes.
Hey, do you want to do this?
You want to take take these three candidates and have Topher pick the one that wins out of the three?
There you go.
Okay. Okay. All that Jason.
No, I don't mind.
I think that's the best way to do it. Just have him pick it and then we're done with it.
So Jason Kelsey, Caesar from plant of the apes and Duluth trading guy are going to all against each other.
And then the winner will be the winner of this 2023's hairy asshole Olympics.
That's what we're doing.
That's what we're doing. Okay, I will send it off right after right after the program's over. I will send that to Topher and I'll probably get an answer tomorrow. I imagine at this point.
So pretty cool.
All right, Rob. Yeah.
And any of these other people are subject to come back at any time.
Yes. And some of my help do.
Yeah. Oh, dude, we have to kill people in this.
Yeah, I know. We fucking we fucking dug deep, dude. I was pretty proud of the shit that we did. Yeah, we did. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty cool.
So and you know what? We always think like we can't find more people, but we're going to have some really good candidates, some of them that we never even thought of before.
Yeah, you know, I've already got one in mind. I got to make sure that we didn't we didn't use him before.
But I've got one guy in mind. I'm pretty sure we haven't used before that I already thought of one that's a great candidate.
I don't think we used him. So and there'll be other ones come up too.
So anyhow, right here I have a state of Illinois, Illinois Secretary of State Alex Gia Gia Nolis
revealed some of the more than 300 requested vanity plates that were rejected for a feature and potentially lewd, offensive or even dangerous language.
Gia Nolis, Gia Nolis, Gia Nolis said in a YouTube video that the customized license plate requests were added to the permanent naughty list after being spotted by his team, which he said is well versed in filthy puns, lecherous language and sneaky swearing.
The secretary said some of this year's rejected plates included eat butts, E-A-T-B-U-T-T-S. He thinks that's dirty, eat butts.
What was his first clue? Eat butts?
The next one on the naughty list was MILFS. M-I-L-F-S. We all know what that means. Mothers has been around a long time. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
The next one I don't agree with at all. Actually a few of them. Whoopass. W-O-O-P-A-S-S. I think that they're nitpicking with whoopass.
That's like really tame. Especially the way it's spelled W-O-O-P-A-S-S. What, because this has ass on it? They say ass everywhere. Yeah, they put it all together. It's not like it's two words.
Yeah. I don't agree with that. And then the next one I really don't agree with. Poopsy. P-O-O-P-S-Y. That could be a bad... Well, what is wrong with that?
Nothing is wrong with that. It's just stupid. They're overreacting. That's people you're paying to do something that they probably shouldn't be paying them to do. It's stupid. Poopsy is so...
That was on TV shows back in the 50s and 60s. Yeah. Poopsy is nothing.
The next one. I love this one. D's Nuts. D-Z-N-U-T-Z.
Mm-hmm. I guess that's borderline. I get it. Nuts. Nutsack.
I've always thought that. Yeah. So, D's Nuts. Well, they always joke, hey, hey, why don't you take a look at the what? D's. D's what? D's nuts.
D's nuts. Ha ha ha. Yeah. Anyhow. And then the next one that was on the naughty list. And these are the ones that I guess like they that were pretty common that they had to turn down several times.
Iowa sucks. I-O-W-A-S-U-X. So, Iowa borders Illinois. So, is there some sort of a rivalry there that I don't know about? Like, does Illinois play Iowa in basketball and football or something? Or Iowa still...
I don't know. But don't go picking on our Iowa friends. No, no, no, no, no, no. We don't agree with this. No, no, not you. Not you. Nobody picking on our Iowa friends. We will protect them.
Look, would I rather talk to someone from Iowa or Illinois? Iowa, of course. So, anyhow, Iowans, we love you. Keep listening. We are on your side. As a matter of fact, if you're from Iowa, email us.
duschb66 at yahoo.com. We got the one guy that said that Des Moines radio is lame and that's why you guys listen. But we want to find out more about you guys. I mean, it's like it's almost our number one market. It's not that far behind Kansas City. I know.
And, you know, we've done so much, you know, at the city market and so much pub around Kansas City. You would think that Kansas City would be it by a long shot? No. Des Moines is right on their heels and they could overcome Kansas City as our number one market easily.
That's how big we've exploded up there. So we want to hear from you guys. We want to hear who you are, what you are, you know, what you like to do, where you're from, what you like about the show, all that. Email us, please.
Don't have to just be Des Moines. We're in Iowa. Who listens? Let us know, man. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's really flattering that you guys have taken to us. Like I said, we have so many listeners, we could possibly even show up on some rating services up there. They wouldn't know who we were, but we could show up on there.
So, yeah. Anyhow, those Giannis idiots said clever is too generous of a word, but they did make me laugh. Giannone, oh, they have a different spelling here. It's a Greek name. Giannolis. Giannolis. Giannolis.
I think is how it's spelled. Anyhow, offered some advice to anyone seeking a personalized license plate. Go ahead and make it clever, but please keep it clean to avoid any naughty list.
Naughty list. Okay, whatever. Everything. Well, I see the milfs and the D's nuts and all that, but we don't want the Iowa sucks. We don't want that on there, but I think most of them were not that bad.
Yeah. I think they were neck-kicking on some of them. I think they were too. Anyhow, let's see what else we got here.
I got a quick recall. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Insight Pharmaceuticals announced on Friday that it was voluntarily recalling one lot of Americane 20% benzocaine topical anesthetic spray.
The spray stops pain and itching from minor cuts, scrapes, burns and sunburns. It was probably used to relieve symptoms associated with hemorrhoids and anoretic inflammation.
According to the recall announcement, the contaminated lot of the product showed a low level of benzene came from the propellant that sprays the product out of the can.
Benzene is a carcinogen that could potentially cause cancers, including leukemia and blood cancer of the bone marrow as well as blood disorders.
Down here, the company said the contaminated lot contains the code 1A16420 and the package size is two ounces.
Okay. But it's only one lot.
So it wasn't very many of those.
No, no, it was just one run. Just one lot of them.
Okay. All right. Thank you, Rob. Appreciate that.
You're welcome.
It seems like Chipotle has a new kind of gimmick thing going on in some parts of the country.
It is a robot that gives you chips. His name is Chippy.
Sure. I need one more.
Yeah. Yeah, I do too.
Anyhow, you walk into a Chipotle and then they ask you, you know, what you want and everything.
And in certain Chipotles, not all of them, there's not a whole lot of them doing it right now, but there's a few of them doing it.
And he's called Chippy. And what he does is Chippy goes over to the chip dispenser, you know, that box that has a chips in them, grabs one of them out of there or two or whatever, and brings them to you.
And anyhow, I guess he even talks to you a little bit like, thank you, have a great day or something like that.
But he's an interesting looking guy because he almost looks kind of spiderish.
Oh, wow.
It's pretty cool, yeah. But anyhow, his name's Chippy and they said be nice to him.
So I guess people maybe were picking on him. I don't know. Whatever.
So anyhow, but Chipotle says that they plan on doing more stuff like that too. More AI stuff and more robotic AI stuff too.
Not just to like save on labor, but also because of the uniqueness of it.
They like the idea of having like a robot come over there and give you chips.
So, but this is not very many Chipotles. It still seems to be, although they want to do it nationwide eventually, it still seems to be kind of a rarity to have a store that does it.
And I would suspect that it's probably a really high volume store that they don't really have enough people to, you know, so, you know, they might save on a couple of people grabbing chips.
You know, they don't have to pay a couple of guys to grab chips for everybody. Instead they got Chippy doing it.
So, I thought it was pretty interesting.
Yeah.
Yeah. So anyhow, we are coming to the end of this podcast. You got anything you want to go with Rob? You got anything you want to say?
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
Not really. Not really.
Nothing important. Nothing important.
Well, Rick from the Filthy Bean has messaged me several times and he was...
Uh oh, we're in trouble aren't we?
Yes we are. He's adamant that we have to make it down there.
He said he's going to tear our table out if we don't make it down there.
And he's serious.
He said that he got the plaque and the table ready and we never fucking show up now.
But, he did not sway from the chocolates.
So when he puts us up in the Omni again, we do give him his chocolates because I gave him some shit about that. I said, can we have our chocolates now?
Yeah.
He said no. He said you are to collect those chocolates every day you're there and bring them to me the last day. Not one of them eaten.
So, here pretty soon...
He's adding chocolate with your balls. That's his problem.
Yes. I told him, I said, you get them all on points. Why don't you just go stay there?
He's like, I got my house here. Why would I want to stay there?
So anyhow, here soon, probably the first of the year, I told him sometime in January, we are going to be at the Filthy Bean in Nashville.
He wants everybody to know that you can pick up his stuff at Kroger's.
And he said Walmarts locally around Nashville and around Jackson and Memphis, you can pick up his light of expressos from the Filthy Bean.
He said he had some storm damage from some storms that hit there about a month ago.
And he said that his terrarium room is destroyed.
Oh.
Yeah. So he hadn't been operating for a few days anyhow.
He said that he got back on his feet actually about a week ago.
He said the full store is open again, but the terrarium part is under construction.
So anyhow, but our booth was not harmed.
Good.
We will be broadcasting from there in the near future in January sometime just to let you know.
And Rick said that he will forgive us, but we have to get down there soon.
Alright.
Yeah. He even said something about he might have to turn to TwoFuckNuts and a recorder. We can't let that happen.
Oh, hell no.
No. Those two bozos in their basement in Buckner, Missouri? No way. Uh-uh.
No.
Well, we just got them on our side.
Oh shit, that's right. That's right.
Okay. Okay. We love those guys. We love those guys.
Yeah. Let's not dangle the curtain.
You know what? You're right.
You know them too. You know them too.
Yeah. Yeah. And the rumors are not true.
They'll turn on us quicker than anything.
Oh. They're probably motherfucking us without even hearing this.
But we love you TwoFuckNuts and a recorder. We love you guys.
We do.
Peace. Peace.
We truly do.
Yeah. We think you guys are awesome. And we love Buckner, Missouri.
Right?
Yes.
That little jewel on 40 Highway in Northwestern, Missouri? Awesome.
I've known some people from there.
Yeah, I have too. And I'll just leave it at that.
Anybody. Anyhow. Everybody have a good night. Thank you for joining us.
Good night everybody.
Hey. Where did everybody go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh jeez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man that smells.