Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas!
You're still a fucking asshole.
Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri
from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River
it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Huh, I may never know.
Oh Lord, that man just saw a puppy and ha-
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child!
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
Clown nose, just put one on and you can do anything.
Wanna run for office? Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and BAM! Everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Howard Stern just signed a 10 year contract extension.
Hello everybody, this is Two Douchebags and Microphone, I am Mark.
And I am Rob.
Hey Rob, you drink mainly tea, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Well I'm drinking right now actually.
Okay, you do drink a soda every now and then, a soda pop?
Yeah, once in a while.
Yeah, you'll have a Coke, Pepsi, RC, whatever, right?
Uh, Pepsi, but here lately, stuff like that's been upset my stomach, so I've been drinking it starry.
Oh yeah, yeah, starry is the new Pepsi product.
Yeah, they're trying to get some of the Sprite.
Yeah, I like it too, I like Sprite, I like it.
Actually my favorite of that type is 7up.
Yeah, yeah, I like 7up too.
It's getting hard to find though.
I don't think they distribute it like they used to, the shelf space isn't the same, it isn't quite, you know.
I don't know why, but a lot of places just don't carry 7up anymore.
They'll have Sprite, or they'll have Starry, because Sprite is Coke, Starry is Pepsi, but you don't see 7up so much.
Anyhow, well, do you think your dog would enjoy a soda, Rob?
Who?
Your dog.
Hell no.
Okay, well, the Jones Soda Company...
Go ahead, what'd you say?
Okay, he's picky.
Okay, the Jones Soda Company thinks your dog would like a soda.
You know, have you ever, you know, been enjoying a cold refreshing soda and thought, I wish my dog could have one too?
Well, now that's possible, Rob.
The Jones Soda Company announced Tuesday that they were expanding into the pet category with the launch of Jones Craft Dog Soda.
Yes, Rob. Now, don't, quit screaming with excitement and anticipation, okay?
Alright, Rob, just settle down and I'll read...
Alright, okay.
The drink is uniquely formulated for canines in collaboration with veterinarians and dog owners.
According to a news release from the company, it contains all natural human-grade ingredients as well as functional supplements that boost joint health.
The sodas are also non-carbonated and contain no sodium or sweeteners of any kind, the company said.
The drink can be used as a treat, hydration booster, or food topper, according to the company, and it will be available in three flavors, chicken, beef, and a holiday-themed turkey and gravy flavor.
Rob, calm down, okay?
Alright.
Okay?
Well, I was going to say, if you were talking about it, I was going to say they would have to be non-carbonated for a dog's stomach.
Exactly, I know.
They would have to be.
I'm just being a dick going calm down and all that because I could hear it in your voice like, oh my God, and I was the same way too, but the more I read the article, I made it probably not that bad of an idea.
Sounds pretty cool.
It really does.
While the flavors are specially formulated for your pups, adventurous dog owners are dared to drink it too, the company said in a news release.
Oh hell no.
No thank you.
And another cool thing is Jones is going to do something really cool.
They're going to have dogs up for adoption in that regional area where you're buying Jones' soda at.
So they'll have a picture of the dog and go, this is Fluffy, he's two years old, he's a Basset Hound mix or something, you know, and he's looking for a home.
So that's pretty cool.
So Jones, I salute you.
You took something I thought I was going to have a lot of fun with, a hee-hee and ha-ha.
Actually, not that bad of an idea.
Sounds pretty good to me.
I mean, but then again, it all does depend on the price, right?
Yeah.
When you can buy a rotisserie chicken for five bucks, okay, and you can throw that on top of a dog's food and buy a soda for three dollars, you know, I know which one's going to win out, the real chicken.
So anyhow, it's a cool idea and it might be cool as a gag gift or something, you know.
You got a gag gift with someone, go, well, I didn't get you something, but I got your dog something.
Well, I don't know, I get my dog treats for both my outside.
You know what, Rob, you're right.
Actually, you're right.
It might be very good on a treat.
You know, maybe you could even get your dog to behave a little bit better.
Go, hey, soda, soda.
That's what I thought.
Yeah.
Come here, fight.
If I take boss outside and he doesn't fight me and we just go out, do his business, he comes in, I get him a treat.
Yeah, no, we do too.
We do too.
Especially Tucker, the big Cata hula that we have.
He is naturally nervous and he has all this energy because they are a cattle and boar hurting dog.
They go out there and they round them up.
So he's always nervous.
He's always looking for a job.
And so we have to do stuff like that for him too because if not, he's very mischievous because he gets bored easy.
So.
Oh yeah, mine's a beagle.
So it puts its nose in the ground and it's gone.
Oh, a beagle you got to watch out because you can lose them very easily.
They don't stop.
They keep going.
They smell a scent and it's just so engraved in them that that is their, you know, that's their personality.
They're just going to keep rooting until they find the source.
So, OK, well, you know what?
I mean, that's cool.
But I got another cool thing for you, Rob.
OK.
You ever feel like being Santa but not want to be in a mall and dressed up in a suit?
No.
Me neither, but.
No, no, no, Rob.
I get it.
I'm the same way.
I'm like, no, I never never thought that sounded cool.
The U.S. Postal Service.
There's this guy panning off on the kids.
Absolutely.
It's like, look, you little whippersnappers are a lot more energetic than me.
I'm going to have my old bones sitting over there on the couch.
Enjoy.
Yeah, it's going to take three hours to get my ass up off the floor.
Yeah.
OK.
Well, the U.S. Postal Service is looking for volunteer Santas to respond to children's letters.
I wish I had more time.
I could be pretty evil.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that'd be cool.
You know, I could be really evil because then again, I had my wonderment destroyed by my
older siblings.
Oh, Mark.
Yeah, I know.
And it sucks when you realize at a young age it's your mom and dad and not Santa.
But I had two older siblings.
So I never had a shot at it.
I never had that whole wonderland of Santa might be there, there, there dousing out my
hope in no time flat.
There's no Santa, you little stupid ass.
It's mom and dad.
You're no fat guy flying in the air.
What the fuck's wrong with you, Markie?
Get the hell out of here.
You're not in the cool club anymore, you little asshole.
And they kicked me a couple of times.
I go to my room and cry myself to sleep.
Not really.
You know, I had my wonderment destroyed by older siblings and it sucks when you realize
at a young age it's your mom and dad and not Santa.
But there is eight days until Christmas.
So if you're going to do this, you better hurry.
At least you're not the Santa at the opening of the show.
And I'm talking about, you heard the last four shows.
Santa that's ho ho ho on you and then he's reminding you that you're a fucking asshole.
That's Santa.
Never gets old, does it?
Never gets old.
No, it don't.
Rob, you got something you want to speak of?
Yeah, yeah.
I found this on 97.9kFM.
Okay, is this a website?
The biggest prediction for winter in Missouri from NOAA's Climate Prediction Center is a warmer than normal winter.
However, something concerns me about what I'm seeing the squirrels in our Missouri neighborhood doing.
They're building their nests higher up in the trees than normal.
The reason I know this is something the Old Farmers' Almanac says about squirrels building nests high up in trees as a sign that we're in for a colder or snower winter.
There are three possibilities here depending on how much faith you put in Old Farmers' tales.
One, the squirrels in my neighborhood are dumb and have no clue what's going to happen this winter.
Two, the squirrels are building their nests higher in trees because they know a wolf pack will be traveling through my part of Missouri soon.
That's what I think it is.
Three, the squirrels are tight, or the squirrels are right and we're going to get hammered by a bad winter event.
Okay, here is my thought on this.
When do you get more snow? When it's 10 below or 28 degrees?
28.
Exactly. What is an above normal temperature for the pit of January, the pit of hell in early February?
28 degrees is a warm temperature.
Okay, so if you believe that there's going to be a warmer than normal winter,
then I think you also have to believe that if you have any precipitation at all, it could be a big event because of the temperatures.
There's more humidity, the humidity isn't sucked out of the air because of how cold it is.
You still have humidity to work with and you can generate some of those thundersnows that will dump a shitload of snow.
Thundersnows are not quite the same bearing or impact or even the depth of the snow,
but thundersnow is like what lake effect snow is somewhere else, only we don't get as much snow.
Right.
Thundersnows you get like lightning and thunder because it's up near 30, 32 degrees,
and you get the huge snowflakes that when they come down they just add up really quick
and you can get 14, 15 inches of snow in about three hours like that.
And so if you believe that there's a warmer winter, you can also believe and see a scenario that there is going to be more snow.
Agreed?
Right.
Yes.
But I don't think it has...
I totally agree with you on that.
Okay, I don't think it has that much to do with the squirrels though although I do believe a lot of the old farmers' almanac.
I think squirrels build their nests higher because I think that the coyotes and wolves will be out more because they can't find food on the ground because of snow.
Right.
So I'm going towards... the predators are closer.
So I guess it may kind of have something to do with the snow and the weather and all that.
Yes.
But I also say it's more like they build them a little bit higher up because they're going to be more hungry.
They're not going to be able to find those little rats in their burrows because there's going to be like eight or nine inches of snow on the ground.
Right.
So anyhow, but like always, we're going to wait and see because no one's ever been able to predict the weather with great accuracy.
And it will probably never happen because it just it's too fickle.
You can have the same.
You can have the same system three times in a row, the exact same thing in three different outcomes.
So anyhow, want some alternative insults?
Sure.
All right.
OK, alternative insults, if you haven't heard this before, then you're a bad person because you haven't listened to us enough.
So we're saying that, right?
You don't listen to us enough.
That's bad.
OK.
Right.
You need to listen to us more so you know what an alternative insult is.
But an alternative insult was born a long time ago and it was out of need.
And the need was to tell someone really bad that they're a stupid ass.
But you can't do it because you're in church or work or in front of people.
So you have to get the message across somehow else.
So it's not exactly.
It's not cursing, but it's how you say it, how you look at him and what you call them.
But it's not cursing and they get the idea.
So I see someone and they're like, I don't know, being stupid or doing screwing something up.
My first one would be like, tea leaf.
I think tea leaf is pretty good because it just sounds stupid.
You call someone a tea leaf and you're pretty much saying they have like a minus IQ, right?
Yeah.
It's like, you tea leaf.
It is very heavy and dirty.
Yeah, yeah.
Just blank slate.
Nothing.
Nothing there.
The next one, call someone a fire blanket.
A fire blanket.
I like that.
Yeah, because it just smothers and fucks everything up.
Just puts everything out.
Just fire blanket.
I like that one pretty good.
I mean, you know, they can all be gems, but they can be somewhere.
I do too.
The next one, fountain grass.
I kind of like that.
Yeah?
Yeah.
It's like you big lump of grass that's kind of ornamental.
Yeah.
And it's also...
It's right there where we look at you.
Yeah.
And you just sit there doing nothing but being fountain grass.
Next one, yard ornament.
You could be anything from a little spindle to one of those little gnomes.
Yeah, that's a lot of those little gnomes.
Little gnome.
One of those ones that's bent over with their pants down and you can see their crack.
Yard ornament.
Or you could be a pink flamingo.
Oh, that would be worse, Rob.
I would not want to be a pink flamingo, would you?
No.
No, that's pretty bad.
With all the teenagers, you never know where you're going to end up.
Oh, man.
Like what the hell is like you get turned into stuff like a yard ornament and you have to live there.
Oh, my God.
It's like, Mark, you've been very bad.
You're going to be a fire blanket in your next life.
What?
Oh, man.
Can I have a do...
No, no, no, Mark.
You've been a real asshole.
You ever listen to one of your podcasts?
Okay.
I guess I'm a fire blanket.
I'm sorry.
We're both do.
Yeah, we are.
Which one would you rather be?
Would you rather be a tea leaf, a fire blanket, a fountain grass or a yard ornament?
Well, I think it's going to be a yard ornament.
I think it'd be a pink flamingo because you would have a chance to travel at that point.
Yeah, you know what?
I agree with you.
I was thinking yard ornament, too.
You could be one of those gnomes that...
This happened quite a few years ago, but someone stole an old man's gnome from the outside of his house.
And he was like, who the hell would steal my gnome?
And he started getting letters with pictures of this gnome all around the world.
Someone played the most elaborate trick on him ever.
They never confessed to it that I know of.
And they took this gnome and he's at the Eiffel Tower.
He's at a shore in Italy.
Oh, I remember that.
Yeah, he's at a winery in Spain.
He's in the Alpine Mountains.
They went all around the world and took pictures of this gnome and sent it to that old man that they stole it from.
And then one day, the gnome was back where it was before.
This is before Ring Doorbell, of course.
Oh, that'd be cool.
Yeah, so if you're a yard ornament, you always have that chance that someone could grab you and do something cool like that, right?
Yeah.
Yeah. So I'm with you.
I mean, I think the worst one out of these would be a fire blanket because that would be kind of...
Oh, yeah.
It'd be like, oh shit, this welder's about ready to catch everything on fire.
Shit, here I... Oh man.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
You're so heavy, you know, hardly anybody can carry you.
Oh man.
You're just there.
I used to hate the jobs where we'd have to...
Whenever we welded and we have to have a fire blanket cover and everything.
Yeah.
Oh my god, that just sucked.
So anyhow, but I don't have to do that anymore, which is awesome.
So, all right.
Next one.
This one is the worst.
Call someone Ross from Friends.
Oh god.
David Schwimmer.
Oh god.
I think I would break someone's fucking temple open for calling me Ross from Friends.
Yeah, I think so too.
Oh man, that just makes me feel bad just saying it, you know.
Ross from Friends.
Next one.
Rose Petal.
That gets the point across.
Oh, look at the cute little rose petal over here.
Aw, come here, rose petal.
Aren't you cute?
You're special.
Yep.
Next one.
Tin Ear.
Tin Ear is a really good one because they're basically saying that you can't hear
because you've been exposed to loud noises all your life.
You're tin-eared.
So, tin ear is a pain in the ass.
Next one.
Leaf lettuce.
Pretty good one.
Okay.
Yeah.
Leaf lettuce, again, goes to the object that just lays there.
Yeah, just, you know, you could be put in a salad or you could be put on a burger or
you could just be laying there.
You don't know.
Yeah, see, that's the thing.
You don't have any other ingredients to make you good.
No, you're just leaf lettuce.
You're just kind of like laying there.
Yeah.
You know, a lot of people are like, fuck, they throw this shit away.
Yeah, I ain't eating that.
Next one.
Ground Chuck.
It's pretty bad.
Pretty bad.
Yeah.
Not the worst, but, you know, if you say it with authority, it works really good.
Hey, Ground Chuck.
Oh, yeah.
Next one.
I don't know yet.
70-30.
I like that one better.
Brilliant.
Hey, 70-30.
Come here.
Why you call me that?
Because you're not even Ground Chuck, you asshole.
You're 70-30.
Oh, man.
Next one.
Onion powder.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, that was a good one.
Onion powder.
Why?
I don't know.
Not even an onion.
You're artificial onion.
Artificial onion.
Smashed artificial onion.
Yeah.
This next one I really like a lot.
Call someone a lost puppy.
Think of how squirrely that would make someone.
You know, you ever see a lost puppy?
I've done that before.
Oh, you've called someone a lost puppy?
Yeah.
I like it.
Yeah.
Alright.
I might get wander around, what are you a lost puppy or what?
I have a few times.
Someone calls me that I'll go pee on their leg and go I guess you're right.
Nah.
Normally they just give me the different old headlight.
Well I'm glad they didn't pee on your leg.
Yeah they did.
That would have upset you right?
Yeah a little bit.
Not like that poor guy accidentally pissed on at the Grand Saloon.
Oh that poor guy.
You're pezzin on me.
All I remember I was so trash is I was laying in against the stall and my dick had the most unique angle.
It wasn't anywhere near the stool.
I was going straight to the crack, the partition and I started pissing.
All of a sudden the guy's like hey you're pezzin on my face.
I got the fuck out of there because there's some big guys playing pool.
I was praying because it wasn't one of them.
Look I mean I couldn't defend myself anyhow especially I mean one of those huge guys playing pool.
Nah no thank you.
And then last but not least call someone string cheese.
Oh damn.
Yeah you're not even block cheese, you're not shredded cheese, you're not cubed cheese.
You're string cheese.
Just didn't make the cut.
Alright Rob you want to come back with some rasslin is that what you want to do?
Yeah let's take a break and let's come back to Rob's Rasslin Roundup.
Okay sounds good.
Alright we'll be right back after this with Rob's Rasslin Roundup.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
During an apocalypse don't forget the nuts, hickory nuts that is.
Yeah we know hickory wood gets all the glory and all the love.
Everyone loves the hickory trees.
They cut them down and they make great sandwiches out of barbecue and meats.
They smoke them and it's a fantastic deal.
But little does anyone know about the hickory nuts.
During an apocalypse hickory nuts could be the best thing you could find.
Hickory nuts can be eaten raw, toasted or added to various recipes.
Their rich buttery flavor and crunchy texture make them an ideal ingredient for both sweet and savory dishes.
You can use hickory nuts to make nut butter, pesto or even a unique hickory nut milk.
There are five types of hickory nuts.
Bitter nut hickory, shag bark hickory, pig nut hickory, mockernut hickory and smooth bark hickory.
Hickory trees are considered part of the walnut species and are plentiful at least around Missouri and surrounding areas.
So during an apocalypse don't forget to grab your nuts.
Somewhere in the heavens your great Grammy Gertrude is crying because her little Bebo is listening to this film.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
So I order spaghetti and meatballs.
My meatballs automatically fall apart as soon as I touch them.
So then does my dish automatically change its name to spaghetti and meat sauce?
I may never know.
This Ain't Born As Radio Kid is your next generation podcast.
Now we go to Rob Raj's Raspen Roundup, the Raspen Rundown for the week.
Going into, what's going on in the Rhodes family.
Dusty Rhodes, huh?
Yeah, yeah, and his brother, or his son Cody and his other son Dust, otherwise known as Goldust, who is now, and I believe, AEW.
Okay.
Cool.
Okay.
Nice.
That's very cool.
He's all over in the wrestling world.
Just came back to WWE from AEW, which he had ownership in.
Interesting.
Yeah, he's all over in wrestling.
I mean, he's good way to have a Texas Bull Rope match against Shinsuke Nakamura.
Cool.
Which is another match his father started.
His Dusty Rhodes was in the first ever Bull Rope match.
So yeah, he's come along in his father's footsteps.
Real quick, while we're talking about wrestling, Bruiser Brody won.
Oh, did he?
Yes.
Tofer said that Zack is clean and sober now.
He probably shaves his asshole hairs.
So he went with Bruiser Brody.
Okay.
So.
Oh, and one other thing.
You were asked, we were talking about the new Von Erick movie coming out, Iron Claw.
I saw the preview, go ahead.
And you were asking, we were talking about which Von Erick is still alive.
It is Kevin Von Erick.
Kevin Von Erick.
Is still alive.
And David Von Erick was the one killed first in Japan.
And then it was Mike Von Erick, and then it was Kerry Von Erick.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, yeah.
I mean, there are so many of them.
And Kevin Von Erick is the one that didn't look like the rest of them either.
He had like dark hair and he's kind of thick.
Yeah.
And I also seen a report to where the two Von Erick boys had a match.
And you're talking about the ones now.
These are the ones now, right?
The nephews or whatever.
Yeah, yeah, the son.
Okay, the son.
Okay.
Okay, cool.
I can't wait to see that because I think that's going to be an excellent movie because there's so much shit that happened.
And did you ever go on YouTube and look at Dark Side of the 90s, the Von Ericks?
No, I have not yet.
When you do, do it.
I mean, because there's just some unbelievable shit there.
I knew there was a lot going on.
But a lot of that stuff, I think, wasn't it like it was the Texas league and then it transferred to the WCW, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
They started out Texas.
They were regional and then they became WCW.
And then the Von Ericks automatically got cast into the spotlight because they are royalty in Texas or were.
Yeah, they are.
Yeah.
So yeah, they still are.
So, okay.
Well, very cool.
I can't wait for that movie myself because I'm going to find that very interesting.
Rob, switching gears here completely.
You ever wanted a really good coffee, but you also wanted a taco or a burrito?
Yeah, I also have.
I have too.
Yeah, honestly.
All right.
Well, Taco Bell is going to start serving specialty coffees.
We're always pushing the boundaries to deliver bold and craveable Mexican expired flavors our fans have come to expect from us.
And these frozen drinks showcase are how far our innovation goes, said Taco Bell US Chief Marketing Officer Taylor Montgomery.
We are constantly listening to what our fans are craving next.
And we are thrilled to offer them a frozen creation that's just as delicious and desirable as their favorite menu item.
Inspired by authentic Mexican flavors, the coffee chillers and churro chillers are the perfect fun and festive all day pick me up with colorful swirls packed with flavor.
The coffee chiller is served with a 16 ounce cup that swirled with craveable flavor on the inside filled with blended iced coffee and topped with a layer of cold foam.
Available in Mexican chocolate, caramel churro, and spice vanilla.
Man, they got me sold.
Yeah.
The churro chiller is served in a 16 ounce cup.
Like I said, that's also swirled with craveable flavor on the inside filled with a blended sweet shake and topped with a layer of cold foam and sweet vanilla.
It wouldn't be Taco Bell without an extra twist.
The sweet vanilla churro chiller is visually captivating with a purple tint.
I don't know what that's about, but OK.
All flavors will be available at listed locations for $4.19 for a limited time while supplies last.
Doesn't sound like it's going to be a regular menu item though, which disappoints me.
It said while supplies last for a limited time.
So my, my, I expect it's going to be like this.
If it hits really well, it's definitely going to get consideration.
They'll be like, you know what, we're getting some of Starbucks and McDonald's money here by having coffees.
Then you'll see it stay.
But if it's like something people are like, oh, that's OK and have a couple and then they don't buy any more, then it'll be bye bye.
So it's that simple.
If you think you really like it, go out there and fucking buy it.
So anyhow, but while we're talking about coffee.
After being closed for every year, federal regulators are trying to order a Starbucks location on the Country Club Plaza to reopen.
And the Country Club Plaza, of course, would be here in Kansas City.
On Wednesday night, the National Labor Relations Board, NLRB, issued a complaint saying Starbucks unlawfully closed 23 union and non-union stores across the country in 2022.
The NLRB alleges the coffee chain closed the US locations in an attempt to thwart off unionizing efforts.
The Starbucks store in the Country Club Plaza was one of the very first stores in the Kansas City area that tried to unionize.
But the vote was a tie, which counts as a loss.
The company later closed the location in August of 2022, citing safety concerns.
Court documents say eight other US locations had already organized when Starbucks closed the stores.
Federal regulators want Starbucks reopen the 23 locations and compensate employees for lost wages and benefits.
The case will go before a judge next summer unless Starbucks settles the issue sooner.
So, okay, I get what they're saying.
They're, you know, they're preempting union busting.
You know, they're like, you know, shutting down the locations.
But I've always found it absurd that you would make a place be in business.
How can you do that?
I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A judge goes, well, you got to stay in business because we deem that you have to.
I don't know.
I mean, they can actually make them stay in business.
I tell you what I think is probably going to happen is is Starbucks going to go, all right, how about we give everybody
ten thousand dollars and a pat on the ass and say we're sorry?
And then and then it'll probably get settled like that.
And they probably won't open the location, but they're going to settle out of court.
Do you see what I'm saying?
And then agree to one of our invisible ass paddlers.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, they don't really give them ass paddling for it or not?
You know what?
We've dealt so many ass paddlers, I really lost track.
We deserve that, right?
Yes, we do.
People know it.
They love it.
They embrace it.
People can't wait for another ass paddling to deserving, deserving companies, deserving people, deserving anything.
So, yep.
Oh, I wanted to get to something really quick.
And I guess this is true.
I looked it up.
Jake Browning, backup quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals, has been throwing lights out.
I mean, he has just been fucking bringing it and they've been winning games with him.
OK.
My son was telling me about him earlier.
Yeah.
After he completed his comeback win yesterday, he said 15 minutes after the win, he got a text from the NFL
wanting him to submit a drug test urine sample.
What?
Yes.
Now, I don't know how they came to this conclusion that he's doping, but OK.
If it was just an arm and nothing else to quarterback, right?
There'd be so many people throwing lights out and just fucking being great.
But there's so much intelligence that's engulfed in memory that's engulfed in this quarterback position
that just being on steroids is not going to make you a good quarterback.
If that was true, someone like Jeff George would have been the best quarterback ever because he had such an arm.
But he had a million dollar arm, in my opinion, and a 10 cent brain.
Yeah, you got to know your place.
Remember your place.
Yeah, even Brett Favre didn't do shit until he started reading defenses.
So this whole notion that Jake Browning gets a fucking piss test because he's been doing so well.
And the only other thing I could think of is maybe a disgruntled opponent's fan, I don't know, called and gave a tip or something.
I don't know how you would do that.
How would you get a hold of NFL and go, Hey, I got some really good Iggy here.
What's that?
Jake Browning has been toping.
What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw him.
Oh, no shit.
I don't know.
I don't know how you would do that.
Yeah.
I mean, look, I'm no Bengals fan by any stretch.
Ruthann in central Ohio, will you please mark this down that I defended the Bengals and Jake Browning?
If you're still listening.
Yeah, I'll defend them too.
Yeah, I just thought this was completely bullshit.
Anyhow, how about if we take our second break and come back with some more stuff that sound good, Rob?
Sounds good.
All right.
We'll talk to you guys here in a minute.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Don't be ashamed of who you are.
That's your parents job.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell.
Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aromas been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
We're just like a really funny radio show with all the funny taken out.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Great news.
William Hung's world tour has been extended.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
I am Mark.
And I am Rob.
Rob, you got anything you want to go into?
Yeah, I got an American songwriter for you.
I knew you'd be waiting, buddy.
I don't know which one's my favorite, Rob.
I don't know if it's Old West Hygiene or American Songwriter.
They're both fantastic.
Right now, I kind of eke American Songwriter out a little bit more because of the unique subjects that it comes up with.
Anyhow, go ahead.
Yeah, and anybody can go and find any of these.
It's on AmericanSongwriter.com.
But why would you when you have Rob Rad talking to you about it?
Right, right. I'll bring him to you.
That's right. Rob Rad, he does all the heavy lifting.
He goes over there with his brawn and he grabs these heavy stories and he hauls them back to your ears.
Right, Rob?
Yes, I do.
I can see the sweat on your temple. You're such a trooper.
Thank you, Rob. It's breathtaking.
Well, with that being said, let me take a break real quick.
Okay, Rob, you are an icon to the American podcast.
So, go forth and talk about this.
Okay, this is the five American songwriters who revolutionized the art of storytelling.
Nice, nice. Go ahead. I love this.
Number one, Bob Dylan.
Dylan has said he was born into the wrong place.
He left Minneapolis for Greenwich Village, changed his name and studied hard.
On his way to becoming his generation's orator of record, he learned hundreds of songs and read books like Harrison.
I don't think anyone could argue with that.
He wrote a lot of songs that people don't even realize he wrote.
To me, he is a better storyteller than he is a musician and I love his music.
Yes, I do too.
He illustrates things so well with words. It's insane. But go ahead, Rob.
Okay, number two, Willie Dixon.
Willie Dixon wrote Blue Standards that became the foundation of rock and roll.
His Chicago blues was adopted by the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton and pretty much everyone else in rock, whether they knew it or not.
Who had Willie Dixon on their blues list? That would be me. Go ahead. Sorry. I had to point that out. Go ahead. I'm sorry.
Dixon reported for chess records but found his biggest success as a songwriter for Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf and Buddy Guy.
Yeah, his stuff is brilliant. Brilliant.
Yes. Actually, I know I had Muddy Waters.
You did. You did. It was probably his song.
I think he had Buddy Guy too.
Yes. Yep. I would think, yeah.
Okay, number three, Bruce Springsteen sings about redemption.
Giving a voice to the working class, Springsteen writes songs of sympathy for the hopeless. Even the seedy characters in Springsteen's songs deserve respect. Curious and smart Springsteen peeps under the hood to find out why the engine failed.
Okay, as a storyteller, I can't argue with that but his music, I just don't get it.
Right. I'm the same way. I'm the same way.
It's not my thing.
I can see the stories in him but yeah. I won't get a huge fan.
Look at Born in the USA, that song. Come back home to their final read, man says son if it's up to me. He got nowhere to run, he got nowhere to go. I mean he's talking about Vietnam Vets and how they were shit on.
Yeah, that's what they're talking about.
Yeah, go ahead. I mean his illustration to his songs are just insanely accurate and just brutally honest. I love them. But the music I could do without. Go ahead. Sorry.
Okay, number four. Woody Guthrie is one of the most significant American songwriters in any genre. His power of the songs is like a how to guide for protest singers. This land is your land was Guthrie's contentious answer to God bless America.
Okay.
I get it.
I mean, I've never known that much about him. So, okay. All right. They've been good on everything else. So, okay.
You all right.
Finally, number five.
All right.
Hank Williams.
The original. Just four years, Hank Williams established the future of contemporary country music. His life was like a country song.
Years of difficulty plagued by tragedy led to his early death at age 29.
He left behind what became the standard for country music and just popular music in general. Songs like I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry and Hank is looking foundational to American songwriting.
I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry is just such a good song. I mean, music and lyrics. Yeah, I agree. 100%.
Now, Rob, do you know how Hank Williams, the first died?
It was a plane crash, wasn't it?
Was it?
Maybe not.
The old story was, is he had a heart attack in his sleep.
Yeah, I was thinking, I was thinking Roy Rogers.
Roy Rogers.
Let me see. I'm trying to look it up. Cause of death.
I'm just curious.
Heart failure.
The result of an original autopsy indicated that Williams died of a heart attack.
Author Colin Escort concluded in his book, Hank Williams, the biography that the cause of death was heart failure caused by a combination of alcohol, morphine, and chloral hydrate.
Well, that would do it.
That would do it. There you go.
Alright, well now we know.
I think I was thinking Roy Rogers.
I think. Anyhow, no, I just asked that because I kept hearing heart attack, but I heard he had a heart attack in his sleep, which I guess he probably did according to this.
I mean, morphine would have put you to sleep.
So, yeah.
Right.
Yeah, and all the other stuff in his system.
So, okay.
Well, Hank, you checked out early, but you left us with the second and the third.
And I like the third. Have you heard Hank Williams the third?
I've heard a little bit of stuff. Yeah, I'm kind of liking it.
He's unique. He does his own thing.
Yeah.
He does a little bit of all different genres.
And he's very, he's very talented.
So, okay.
Not too long ago, I got into these old sayings and what they meant like, you know, stitching time saves nine.
What in tarnation, right? Remember we did tarnation?
Yeah.
And we did a couple other ones.
Well, I got some more of these.
These are old sayings and their origin of why they say them.
Okay.
Sound good?
Yeah.
Okay.
Bite the bullet.
Have you ever heard that one?
Yeah.
Yeah, so have I.
Meaning to accept something difficult or unpleasant.
Origin.
In the olden days when doctors were short of anesthesia or time during a battle, they would ask the patient to bite down on a bullet to distract from the pain.
The first recorded use of the phrase was in 1891, in the light that failed.
So, okay.
All right.
I mean, that one's kind of anticlimactic because I think everyone kind of figured that out, right?
That one was kind of self-explanatory.
Next one we have here on this list, break the ice.
The meaning, to break off a conflict or commerce, a friendship.
Origin.
Back when road transportation.
Did I say commerce? Commence a friendship.
Okay.
Sorry.
Let me do this over.
Meaning, to break off a conflict or commence a friendship.
Origin.
Back when road transportation was not developed, ships would be the only transportation and means of trade.
At times, the ships would get stuck during the winter because of ice formation.
The receiving country would send small ships to break the ice, to clear away for the trade ships.
The gesture showed affiliation and understanding between the two territories.
So, I think that's a pretty good saying, right?
I mean, break the ice, it does kind of mean, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right.
Next one, cat got your tongue.
This one I always wondered about, okay?
I never could understand why cat got your tongue meant something, you know, like you can't talk or whatever.
Meaning, asked to a person who is at loss for words.
Origin.
The English Navy used to use a whip called cat-o-nine tails for flogging.
The pain was so severe that it caused the victim to stay quiet for a long time.
Yeah.
Okay. Okay.
Another possible source could be from ancient Egypt where liars and blasphemers were, tongues were cut out and fed to the cats.
Oh, my God.
Oh, boy.
Aren't you glad we don't live in those times?
Geez.
Yeah, no shit.
Okay.
Turn a blind eye.
I actually know this one.
Meaning to ignore situations, facts or reality.
The origin.
The British naval hero, Admiral Horatio Nelson, have one blind eye.
Once the British forces signaled for him to stop attacking a fleet of Danish ships, he held up a telescope to his blind eye and said, I don't see the signal.
He attacked nevertheless and was victorious.
Yeah, I don't see it.
He's looking out of his blind eye.
This next one always had me intrigued.
Give a cold shoulder.
We've all heard that.
You know, someone's like not happy with you and they're not really talking to you.
It's like, man, I do something to piss Rob Radoff.
He's not really saying that much.
All right.
So and probably I did.
Right.
Probably.
And now I'm joking around being meaning being unwelcoming or antisocial towards someone origin.
The first recorded use of this phrase dates back to the early 1800s.
It refers to an old custom of giving an unwelcome guest a cold piece of meat from the shoulder of mutton, pork or beef chop as opposed to a welcome guest receiving a warm serving.
This was a polite way to communicate.
You may leave now.
So if you got cold mutton or pork or steak, you bet you must be fucking huffing it, right?
Yeah.
This next one's always intrigued me.
Have you ever figured out what caught red handed meant?
Yeah, I have.
Have you really?
Well, you know what it means.
But do you know where the origin was from?
No, no, I don't.
Okay. Meaning to be caught in the act of doing something wrong.
Right.
Origin.
This originates from an old English law that ordered any person to be punished for butchering an animal that wasn't his own.
The only way a person could be convicted of this if he was caught with the animal's blood still on his hands.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
That's a pretty good one, too.
I mean, that makes sense, doesn't it?
Makes a lot of sense.
So if he had a water prop, he'd get away with it.
Exactly.
You don't see any blood on my hand, do you?
You can go.
Fucking asshole.
Next one.
Bury the hatchet.
Meaning to stop a conflict and make peace.
Origins.
This one dates back to the early times in North America when the Puritans were in conflict with the Native Americans.
When negotiating peace, the Native Americans would bury all their hatchets, knives, clubs, and tomahawks.
Weapons were literally buried and made inaccessible.
Wow.
That makes a lot of sense, don't it?
Bury the hatchet.
Well, you know, and they even used it in later times, too, like the old mafia, you know, whenever they'd have like a two opposing crews, groups, or families, right?
They would have another family come in and they would have everyone turn their weapons to them so no one could hurt anybody and they'd try to hash something out.
Very famously, they did a lot of that in the Sopranos and some other stuff, Goodfellas, stuff like that.
But it was true, it was widely known that, you know, some would negotiate a peace gathering and they would take all the weapons to make sure that nobody got stupid and killed somebody.
So burying the hatchet went on to live on to other meanings, or well, not other meanings, but to other aspects in life later on.
Next one, let one's hair down.
Meaning to relax or be at ease.
Origin, in public, the aristocratic women of medieval times were obligated to appear in elfin hairdos that were usually pulled up.
The only time they were, they would let their hair down was when they came home and relaxed.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
Next one, rub the wrong way.
Meaning to bother or annoy someone.
Boy, that describes two douchebags in a microphone, doesn't it?
Yes, it does.
Oh, by the way, dude that hates us wrote us three more times.
I'm going to get the emails on our next podcast Tuesday.
Alright.
Yeah, he's relentless.
I think it's great we got a hater so vivid.
So, okay, rub the wrong way.
Meaning to bother or annoy someone.
Origin, early Americans during the colonial times would ask their servants to rub their oak floorboards the right way.
The wrong way not wiping them with dry fabric after wet fabric would cause streaks to form and ruin it, leaving the homeowner annoyed.
Alternatively, it could have derived from rubbing a cat's fur the wrong way, which annoys them.
So, okay, that one was good, but not as good as the other ones.
But you know what?
They can't all be gems, right?
Right.
Alright, let's see if I have any more here.
I think that may be all of them that I have for this one.
But there's more that I will compile and let you guys in on.
Okay, there's tarnation.
I'll recover that one, but I'll do it again in case someone didn't hear the podcast.
Where did the expression what in tarnation came from come from?
Character Yosemite Sam.
What in tarnation?
The word tarnation was originally a 1784 American English derivative of darnation, which was predictably enough a milder way of expressing the profanity damnation.
So the T in tarnation was influenced by tarnal, yet another mild 18th century profanity.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, that one explained a little bit better than the first one that I read.
It went into a little bit more depth, so I kind of understand it a little bit better.
So, okay, that was cool.
Let's see.
Here's another little story I'd like to get to before we end this shit show.
A strange dolphin in the Gulf of Corinth has developed intriguing book-shaped thumbs carved out of its flippers. Photographers show.
And it does look like little thumbs.
Researches with Pelagos, Pelagos, and whatever. I should know that. It's Greek name. Research Center spotted the dolphin on two occasions this summer during their boat surveys off the coast of Greece.
Despite the unusual appearance of its flippers, the animal kept pace with the rest of its pod and was seen swimming, leaping, bow riding, playing with the other dolphins.
And it said, Alexandrios, big long Greek name. I'm not even going to bother. Something like that. Jones, Henry, Ford. I don't know.
And then the scientific coordinator with the president of the Pelagos Research Institute. It's the very first time we saw this surprising flipper morphology in 30 years of surveys in the open sea and also in studies while monitoring all the stranded dolphins along the coast of Greece for 30 years.
They have never seen anything like this and they don't have any explanation why it's just one dolphin that they can gather has these little thumbs growing out of his flippers.
I have a theory and I can say this because I am Greek. I think one of those filthy Greeks over there had sex with a dolphin.
I heard of that. I'm just joking. I'm Greek. I'm joking around. I heard the flipper was doing it. Really?
Yeah. I was just joking around. When you're out on a boat for a week to 10 days.
Oh man. Oh.
Okay. That's what I've been told. I don't know personally.
Okay. Well, you know what? People will bang corpses. Why wouldn't they bang a dolphin?
Who knows? I mean, you know, there's so many different variables in this whole thing. It could be anything at all. But anyhow, very intriguing that it's just one of these dolphins for some reason has grown little thumb like things.
Anyhow, Rob, you got any stories you want to do?
That is weird.
It is. Got any stories you want to get to before we sign off here?
Did you hear that Tyreek Hills being served with two paternity suits by different women?
No. Go ahead. That's why you needed me.
Yeah. This is crazy. Okay. Okay. Star wide receiver Tyreek Hill who made a move from the Kansas City Chiefs to the Miami Dolphins is March 2022 is making waves both on and off the field.
Okay. The first paternity suit was filed by Brittany Roitner who asserts that she had a relationship with the NFL star in 2022 resulting in the birth of their child in March.
Wow.
Roitner who shared a video of their baby wearing a tiny number 10 jersey claimed that her filing that she is unemployed, has no income, is in debt, is on Medicaid and lacks means of support.
Wow.
The second lawsuit comes from Kimberly Baker who alleges that she had a relationship with Tyreek in August of 2022.
Man, he was busy.
Oh, he gets better.
Okay.
They give the suits the $2,500 a month. He's been giving these women $2,500 a month.
Is that like hush money?
He's noting that the actual cost of caring for their daughter is closer to $10,000 a month.
Wow.
What the hell.
Geez.
Despite these legal challenges, Tyreek Hill reportedly attempted to have both lawsuits dismissed. It's worth noting that Tyreek married Keita in November of 2022.
You're right. But wait, there's more.
Oh my God.
Yeah. Keita was his longtime girlfriend.
Isn't that the one that he had problems with when he was here in Kansas City, I think?
Yeah, yeah, yeah it was.
Yeah.
But yeah, he's been giving them $2,500 a month, but now they're wanting $10,000 a month.
Tyreek.
Because he's making $30 million a year now.
You might start investing in condoms.
Yeah, it might be a good idea.
It might be a good idea for you, okay? Especially, you know, this whole wipe thing and all of that, you know. Yeah. Yeah.
I think Trojan Man could probably visit you and you would probably do very well.
Or do yourself much better.
Yeah, I might bring up some sponsorship.
Yeah, there we go. You go, hi, I'm Tyreek Hill.
I'll provide money. Make them commercials.
Yeah, you could pay them all the proceeds of the Trojan commercials.
Rob, that's what we do. We help. We help.
Two douchebags and microphone is here to help.
So Tyreek, you're welcome. You're welcome.
You know, he's got to hear this and go, that's what I got to do. It's brilliant.
Yeah, make money on it. That's right.
That way he could pay for his child support.
Turn a kick in the ass to a pat on the ass, guy. Come on.
Go, hey, look, man, I'm Tyreek Hill and I had my wiener where it shouldn't have been.
And I got a little bit of trouble. So, hey, how about if I do a couple of commercials for you guys?
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We got you covered, Tyreek. No problem. No charge.
Anyhow, everybody, have a great night. Thank you for joining us. Thank you, Rob.
Great episode.
Yep, absolutely. Good night, everybody.
Good night, everyone.
Hey, where did they go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez.
Ugh, I'm glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man, that smells.