1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas! You're still a fucking asshole. 2 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,000 And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. 3 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:30,000 Okay, if I borrow money from a pessimist, would they expect to not get it back? 4 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,000 Hmph, I may never know. 5 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:44,000 When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water, because nobody likes a stinky asshole. 6 00:00:44,000 --> 00:01:01,000 Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast. 7 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:24,000 Hi everybody, this is Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I'm Mark. 8 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,000 And I'm Rob. 9 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,000 Oh, hey, Rob, I've got a question for you. 10 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,000 Yeah? 11 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,000 You ever heard of Scoragami? 12 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,000 Yeah, I haven't. 13 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,000 Okay, interesting little concept here. 14 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:44,000 I guess it's become like a better is big deal and stuff, you know. 15 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:54,000 Okay, Scoragami in the NFL is a combined total final score added together that has never happened before. 16 00:01:54,000 --> 00:02:03,000 So a perfect example of Scoragami in the NFL would be the Thursday Night Football game between the Los Angeles Chargers and the Las Vegas Raiders. 17 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,000 The final score is 63 to 21. 18 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:10,000 That combined score added together is 84. 19 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:17,000 That number has never happened in the NFL before, so that would make it a Scoragami score. 20 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,000 Okay? 21 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,000 Alright. 22 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,000 Okay, so you see where they're going with this. 23 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:26,000 It's just another way to bet, another way to look at a couple of games. 24 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,000 Let's face it, this was an ass-bag game. 25 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,000 The Raiders aren't doing that well. 26 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,000 Los Angeles Chargers definitely aren't doing that well. 27 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,000 As a matter of fact, right after the game, they fired their head coach. 28 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,000 So, you know, they're not doing well. 29 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,000 So it's an ass-bag game. 30 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:45,000 So something like this gives the average Joe maybe a rooting interest in it. 31 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,000 And maybe you get tired of betting over or under. 32 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:53,000 I mean, because over under 63 to 21, I guarantee you nobody bet over that. 33 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,000 Everything was under. 34 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:59,000 So anyhow, so okay. 35 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:06,000 Since that number has never happened and it made it Scoragami, so the one-point safety. 36 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,000 Have you ever heard of a one-point safety, Rob? 37 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,000 No, I have not. 38 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:15,000 I didn't until I started looking into Scoragami more and then I found out this. 39 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:19,000 So a one-point safety is the rarest score in the NFL. 40 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:26,000 And the reason they point out the one-point is because there's never, ever been a one-to-nothing game. 41 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,000 Never. 42 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:33,000 Which interests me because you think in all these years there would have been, right? 43 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,000 Yeah. 44 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,000 Not ever. 45 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:40,000 Not before the AFL and the NFL, NFC got together. 46 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,000 None of that. 47 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:45,000 It's never happened as far as on record. 48 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:52,000 Not even in college, not even in high school because college has the same rule about the one-point safety. 49 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,000 Okay. 50 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:59,000 But it's, so anyhow, okay. 51 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:08,000 So what has to happen with the one-point safety is a team is trying to convert a two-point conversion, then fumble the ball. 52 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:15,000 The defense then takes the ball out of the end zone and then gets tackled in the end zone for the one-point safety. 53 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,000 Isn't that interesting? 54 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,000 Wow. 55 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,000 Yeah. 56 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,000 So that is the official. 57 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,000 I never knew that. 58 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:32,000 That is a one-point safety and it is an actual scoring, you know, but it's one point. 59 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:35,000 And I didn't know this, but yeah. 60 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,000 So okay. 61 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:42,000 So it's never happened in the modern NFL, but it has happened in 1956. 62 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,000 You know what? 63 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,000 I was wrong. 64 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,000 I thought they did. 65 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,000 Okay. 66 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,000 I'm sorry. 67 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,000 I could have swore. 68 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,000 You know what? 69 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,000 I was wrong. 70 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,000 But it has happened. 71 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:56,000 It has happened in 1956 in the old NFC conference before the AFL merge. 72 00:04:56,000 --> 00:05:01,000 The Cleveland Browns were the recipient of a one-point safety. 73 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:09,000 Now, now the spread in Vegas on the odds of a one-point safety is usually around one to 10,000. 74 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,000 So one could bet a dollar and potentially win 10,000. 75 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:17,000 Now, if one can bind this with score a Gami, the odds are even more nutty. 76 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,000 It's usually around one in 20,000. 77 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:26,000 One could potentially put a dollar down and come up with 20,000 if these rare things happen. 78 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:31,000 Yeah, that game may never happen, but it's a hell of a lot cooler to bet on what, you know, 79 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:35,000 than what Rayanna's song is going to lead off with at the Super Bowl. 80 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,000 You know? 81 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,000 Yeah. 82 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:41,000 I mean, that's something that is a legitimate bet. 83 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,000 You know, it's not like what Rayanna's dress is going to be. 84 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:49,000 It's not going to be if Beyonce has arrested Destiny Child, whether it's not going to be, you know, 85 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:57,000 if Steven Tyler, you know, salutes the crowd, you know, whatever. 86 00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:01,000 So anyhow, pretty interesting. 87 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,000 Yeah. 88 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,000 Yeah. 89 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:08,000 So anyhow, you got something you want to go into, Rob? 90 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,000 Yeah, actually, I have an update. 91 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:21,000 Here, a week or two ago, I did a story about Steamboat Willie, the first Mickey Mouse protein. 92 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,000 Yes. 93 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:29,000 On how Disney was about to lose the trademark. 94 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:35,000 And it was up to them whether they wanted to save him or not. 95 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,000 Yeah. 96 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:44,000 On January 1st, 2024, Steamboat Willie and consequently, 97 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:50,000 the characters of Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse will enter the public domain. 98 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:53,000 I'll be damned. 99 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:59,000 And this is on Disneybymark.com. 100 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,000 I wonder why they're choosing not to re-up that. 101 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,000 They have the money. 102 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,000 It's not a big deal to them. 103 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:09,000 Any ideas on that, Rob? 104 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,000 No. 105 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,000 Well, they're... 106 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,000 I can't get their angle. 107 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,000 Oh, here. 108 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,000 The spokesperson continued, 109 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:21,000 more modern versions of Mickey will remain unaffected. 110 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:25,000 It's violation of Steamboat Willie copyright, 111 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:30,000 and Mickey will continue to play a leading role as a global ambassador. 112 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,000 OK. 113 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,000 All right. 114 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,000 It doesn't say why they're not. 115 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,000 They simply don't need it. 116 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,000 And so they're not bothering with it. 117 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,000 So, OK. 118 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:42,000 Hey, just for everyone to know, 119 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,000 our new show is going to be called Steamboat Willie. 120 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,000 Ah, cool. 121 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,000 1st of 2024, we're no longer two douchebags in a microphone. 122 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,000 We are Steamboat Willie. 123 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,000 We can legally do it. 124 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,000 Yes. 125 00:07:54,000 --> 00:08:01,000 So, do you know they have artificial intelligence toilets? 126 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,000 At this point, it wouldn't surprise me. 127 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,000 Me neither. 128 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:09,000 An artificial intelligence tool is being developed by Duke scientists 129 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:13,000 and can be added to the standard toilet to help analyze patient stool 130 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:17,000 and give gastro-testinologists the information they need 131 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,000 to provide appropriate treatments for chronic issues 132 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:27,000 such as inflammatory bowel disease and irritable bowel disease, IBD and IBS. 133 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:31,000 The work is being done by Duke University's Center for Water Sanitation, 134 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,000 Hygiene and Infectious Disease, 135 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:41,000 and was presented Saturday at the Virtual Conference Digestive Disease Week 2023. 136 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:45,000 Typically, gastro-testinologist... 137 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,000 Fuck. 138 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,000 You know, people look at your gastrointestinal cycle, 139 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:54,000 have to rely on patient self-reported information about their stool 140 00:08:54,000 --> 00:09:00,000 to help determine the cause of their gastrointestinal... 141 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,000 Intestinal. 142 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,000 I keep saying testicle, Rob. 143 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,000 What the hell? What's wrong with you? 144 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:10,000 Intestinal health issues, which can be very unreliable. 145 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,000 I'm sorry, man. 146 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,000 I just got home from work and just let the dogs out, 147 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,000 and I ran straight here to do the podcast. 148 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:20,000 I'm a little beat, and I'm probably not be reading stuff too good today, 149 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,000 so I'm just letting you all know. 150 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,000 Anyhow, you know, it's pretty cool, 151 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:30,000 and they even have these AI toilets, 152 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:36,000 can even tell if there's something fishy in your blood 153 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:39,000 that could relate to cancer-wise. 154 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,000 Really? 155 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:43,000 Yeah, now that doesn't happen all the time. 156 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:48,000 Under certain situations, it can help them look into it further 157 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:52,000 to maybe diagnose cancer, hopefully early. 158 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,000 So, I mean, this is a pretty good invention 159 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:59,000 because there's a lot of IBD and IBI people out there 160 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,000 that don't have answers, and I tell you what, 161 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,000 a lot of people laugh at it. 162 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,000 It's a serious condition because I know two people that have it, 163 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,000 and it's horrible. 164 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,000 You can't hardly go out in public because all of a sudden, 165 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,000 you know, your gut feels like it's turning round and round, 166 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,000 and you've got to run to the toilet, you know, 167 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,000 and then you're in a public toilet, 168 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,000 and you're splatting all over the place, 169 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,000 and the toilet water is hitting you. 170 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:25,000 I mean, it's just, you know, it's not a very good thing to have in it, 171 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,000 and, you know, if they can start figuring some stuff about it, 172 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:32,000 that would be really good, you know? 173 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,000 Yeah. 174 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,000 Yeah, so... 175 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,000 That would be. 176 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,000 Right. 177 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:41,000 I could see where AI would be good at that. 178 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,000 Yes. 179 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,000 The other stuff that scares me. 180 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,000 Oh, shit, well, we've been going off about that for a long time. 181 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,000 Yeah, yeah. 182 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 183 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:54,000 Anyhow, on a lighter note, 184 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:58,000 you know that Oreo has three new flavors, Rob? 185 00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,000 Really? 186 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,000 Yep. 187 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:07,000 The three new Oreo flavors are Oreo gluten-free golden Oreo peanut butter cake stirs 188 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,000 and limited edition Oreo black and white cookies. 189 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,000 Look at the options, they are quite different. 190 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,000 The most exciting flavor is the Oreo peanut butter cake stirs, 191 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,000 which I agree with, a permanent addition, 192 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,000 the combination of the slightly softer cookie 193 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,000 with a sweet and salty flavor should be quite enjoyable. 194 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:29,000 The peanut butter cream is rich, yet not overpowering, 195 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:33,000 while there was a nuttier butter cake stir, 196 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,000 but it's no longer available. 197 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:40,000 So this one's going to probably, I mean, kind of take the place of that, I guess? 198 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,000 Yeah. 199 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,000 And it sounds pretty damn good to me. 200 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,000 Yeah, it sounds good to me, too. 201 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,000 Yeah, hell yeah. 202 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:50,000 I've been willing to try them, and I will, as soon as I see them, 203 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,000 I will be grabbing them off the shelf, 204 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,000 and they'll eventually make their way into my mouth. 205 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,000 Yeah, me too. 206 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,000 All right. 207 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:04,000 So Rob, did you ever get your hairy asshole Olympics in or not, 208 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,000 or should we do that tomorrow? 209 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,000 Doesn't matter whether we do it today or tomorrow. 210 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,000 I got mine. 211 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,000 I got mine, too. 212 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,000 Is this a throwdown, Rob? 213 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,000 Is this a throwdown? 214 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:21,000 Did you throw in a band? 215 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,000 Oh, shit. 216 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,000 No, you don't have to. 217 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,000 We can throw them in next time. 218 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:31,000 Okay, I didn't ask, so I just figured we weren't doing a band. 219 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,000 Okay, we'll do the band next time. 220 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,000 I got 10. 221 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,000 All right, let's take us a break, 222 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,000 and we're going to come back with the hairy asshole Olympics part three. 223 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,000 Three, episode one. 224 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,000 All right, we're getting down and dirty. 225 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,000 We're going to run out of hairy assholes, Rob. 226 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,000 Oh, just wait. 227 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,000 I'm about to whip your ass. 228 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,000 Uh-huh, yeah. 229 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,000 All right, I heard that last time, too, and the time before. 230 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,000 Last time, we were even up. 231 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,000 Well, I did win the last one. 232 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,000 Yeah, but we're even up, right? 233 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,000 Didn't I win the first one? 234 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,000 Right, we're even. 235 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,000 All right, okay. 236 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:13,000 We'll be right back here in a minute with the hairy asshole Olympics. 237 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,000 A lot of podcasts just come from a can. 238 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:23,000 Here at Two Dish Bags and a Microphone, we pour our own podcasts. 239 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,000 Next up, Things Overheard in Hell. 240 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,000 Spam with Spam Helper tonight. 241 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,000 How yummy. 242 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,000 Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. 243 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,000 It's strange insults from an alien. 244 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,000 Real hilarity. 245 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:45,000 Mades your mother call you during every walk in hell. 246 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:50,000 Two Dish Bags and a Microphone, pasteurized for your protection. 247 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,000 The apocalypse just happened. 248 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,000 You don't know what to do. 249 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,000 You don't know where to go. 250 00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:00,000 But we can tell you what you can eat. 251 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:06,000 Elderberries can be a delicious and tasty treat in the wild. 252 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:11,000 During the apocalypse, this can be a great go-to food because it is also medicinal. 253 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,000 It helps with inflammation to headaches. 254 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:20,000 And also, maybe you're sore from running from that radioactive antelope or whatever. 255 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,000 Take some elderberries. 256 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:26,000 You have to run a little bit faster and get away from the damn thing. 257 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:30,000 Next up, Things Overheard in Hell. 258 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:36,000 Baseball's third season of the year begins tonight. 259 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,000 Yay! 260 00:14:38,000 --> 00:15:03,000 Two ass bags and a box of Cheez-Its will be right back. 261 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:08,000 And we are back. 262 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,000 Two douche bags and a microphone. 263 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,000 I am the Mark part of it. 264 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,000 And I am Rob. 265 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,000 Alrighty. 266 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:20,000 Okay, so like we said before, I'm going to take a drink of my Mountain Dew here. 267 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:25,000 Real sugar Mountain Dew because I'm that kind of a snob. 268 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,000 I'm going to take a drink of tea. 269 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,000 Alrighty. 270 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,000 Real sugar tea, right? 271 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,000 Of course. 272 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,000 Alright, because he's that kind of a snob. 273 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,000 So, okay. 274 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:40,000 Harry Asshole Olympics, volume three, episode one. 275 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:47,000 My first one, David Crosby. 276 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:55,000 I know he's a musician, but I don't consider him a band. 277 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,000 No, no, he's a musician. 278 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:04,000 Yeah, yeah, I meant him as a person and not a band. 279 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:09,000 Because we'll do the band thing next time. 280 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:14,000 Okay, well let's put him against Wolfgang Van Halen. 281 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,000 Oh, shit. 282 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,000 That's easy to me. 283 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,000 It's got to be Wolfgang. 284 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,000 He's younger and he's really hairy. 285 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,000 Yes, he is. 286 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,000 Well, and David Crosby's dead too. 287 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,000 But still, it doesn't matter. 288 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,000 I wouldn't even take that into consideration. 289 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:36,000 No, you know, I think Asshole Hair still grow for a couple of years. 290 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,000 I think we're good on him, right? 291 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,000 Yeah, yeah. 292 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,000 Okay, Wolfgang won it. 293 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:53,000 Next one, Dan Haggerty, also known as Grizzly Adams. 294 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:57,000 Ooh. 295 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,000 Yes, sir, Rob. 296 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:07,000 Yes, sir. 297 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:17,000 Okay. 298 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:22,000 Let's put him against Dennis Rodman. 299 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:29,000 I'm going to have to go with Dan Haggerty because I've seen Dennis Rodman in person and he's not that hairy. 300 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:33,000 I always figured he might have a little something going on down there. 301 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:40,000 No, he hangs out at this place called Ocean Manor Hotel in Fort Lauderdale. 302 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:46,000 My understanding is I've seen Michael Irvin there and a couple other football players who I wasn't sure who they were, 303 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:50,000 but everybody said they look like and everyone said they're football players. 304 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:54,000 But anyhow, he's not that hairy, dude. 305 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:58,000 Well, I just do Dennis in there. 306 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:05,000 I kind of want to keep Dan around because I don't know what others would not like to put him up against. 307 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,000 All right, cool. 308 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,000 That sounds good. 309 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,000 But anyhow, Dennis Rodman, I love the thought of it. 310 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,000 I mean, I do. 311 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:17,000 But man, you talk about a guy that, geez, in my opinion, just a complete fucking douchebag. 312 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:24,000 I was walking in from the beach and they were right in front of me, him and his little short little handler guy. 313 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:32,000 It's like crazy because his handler looks like to be about four foot tall for real, not just because he's standing next to Dennis Rodman. 314 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:36,000 And he's like in front of me, out of the way and all this stuff and directed everything. 315 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,000 And it's like, dude, get the fuck out of here, you little bastard. 316 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:43,000 So anyhow, Dennis Rodman gets in the lobby of Ocean Manor. 317 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,000 Everyone's having breakfast and he's like in the lobby where the dining room is. 318 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:54,000 And he starts going, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. 319 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000 And I'm like, what the fuck? 320 00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,000 And people are like looking at him like he's like reciting the Lord's Prayer. 321 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,000 I'm like, man, dude, it's like, dude, you overstayed your welcome. 322 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,000 Go get. 323 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:12,000 Anyhow, and then you see all these people down at the Tiki Hut behind there fucking marking out to him. 324 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,000 Anyhow, you know what? 325 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,000 I'm not a fan. 326 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,000 I'll just leave it at that. 327 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,000 Yeah. 328 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:23,000 So, um, um, go ahead and, uh, you say the next two. 329 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:26,000 That way we're like completely even on this and then we'll just switch back and forth. 330 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,000 Okay. 331 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:32,000 So you pick one that you want out there against whoever I can get. 332 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,000 Okay. 333 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:41,000 I'm going to say, uh, Phil Robertson. 334 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,000 Phil Robertson. 335 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,000 Please. 336 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,000 Who is it? 337 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:50,000 It's the father, the founder of Duck Commander. 338 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,000 Okay. 339 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:58,000 If you ever watch the show, he is always picking stuff out of his beard. 340 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:03,000 He's always telling people that he only takes a shower once a week. 341 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,000 Okay. 342 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,000 Okay. 343 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,000 Um, all right. 344 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:16,000 I'm going to put him against Santa Claus. 345 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:22,000 Oh. 346 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,000 I don't know. 347 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:27,000 I know who you're talking about now and it's pretty even up. 348 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:31,000 Yeah, I mean, I'm the show you watching, Dick's stuff out of his beard. 349 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,000 Yeah. 350 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,000 I'm going to have to go, um, what's his name again? 351 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,000 Phil Robertson. 352 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:42,000 I think Phil Robertson beats out Santa Claus just by an, an ink. 353 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,000 Yeah. 354 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,000 Yeah. 355 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,000 I'm going to. 356 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,000 Santa is pretty busy, especially this time of year. 357 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,000 He ain't got time to take care of him. 358 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,000 You know what? 359 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,000 You're right. 360 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,000 We need to leave Santa alone. 361 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,000 We may, we may revisit him. 362 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,000 Okay. 363 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,000 You know? 364 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,000 All right. 365 00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:00,000 We're going to, we're going to go ahead and Santa Claus lost this, but we reserve the 366 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,000 right for either you or me to bring him back at a future date. 367 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,000 How's that when he's not so busy? 368 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,000 Sounds good. 369 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,000 Okay. 370 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,000 All right. 371 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,000 Your turn. 372 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:15,000 Wolfman Jack. 373 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:19,000 Oh, I got one. 374 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,000 Denver pile. 375 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,000 Uncle Jesse. 376 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,000 Dukes of hazard. 377 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,000 Oh, wow. 378 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,000 Dude, I was reaching. 379 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,000 Yeah. 380 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:36,000 I think I got you out of the Wolfman Jack. 381 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,000 Wolfman Jack. 382 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,000 All right. 383 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:43,000 He's going to be a hard one to beat. 384 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,000 Yes, he is. 385 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,000 I like Denver pile though. 386 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,000 I like, I like him. 387 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,000 Okay. 388 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:54,000 We're going to go ahead and give it to Wolfman Jack with the other thought that one of us 389 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,000 can bring Denver pile back if we want. 390 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,000 Yeah. 391 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,000 I like him. 392 00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,000 All righty. 393 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,000 Okay. 394 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:07,000 Caesar from Planet of the Apes. 395 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:14,000 Oh. 396 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:21,000 I've got one coming up that's going to blow your mind, Rob. 397 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:26,000 I think. 398 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:30,000 I really think Donald Trump has a comb over down there also. 399 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,000 I'm still going with the ape. 400 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:38,000 I'm not going to argue with the comb over down there. 401 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,000 Yeah, he probably does. 402 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:45,000 And he probably makes women fondle it and ogle over it and tell them how good it is. 403 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,000 Oh, you know he does. 404 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,000 Oh, it's a terrific, terrific comb over on my balls. 405 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,000 Oh, such a great comb over. 406 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,000 Oh, it's such a good comb over. 407 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:56,000 So anyhow, anyhow. 408 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,000 All right. 409 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,000 Caesar. 410 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,000 It is. 411 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,000 All right. 412 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,000 Next one. 413 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,000 Jason Kelsey. 414 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:14,000 He, my friend, is Harry. 415 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:24,000 His beard comes up to his fucking eyes almost. 416 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:30,000 Let's put him up against Jason Momoa's Momoa. 417 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:39,000 I'm going to have to go with Jason Kelsey because Momoa's beard is, it's a good one, but it's not Jason Kelsey good. 418 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:44,000 Jason Kelsey, if you look at him, his beard goes way up his cheek. 419 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:48,000 Yeah, yeah, I don't even think he even trims his eyebrows. 420 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,000 No, he doesn't. 421 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,000 He's got those fucking black woolly worm looking eyebrows. 422 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,000 Yeah. 423 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,000 Yeah. 424 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,000 Okay, you get the. 425 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,000 Jason Lee. 426 00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,000 Oh, go ahead. 427 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,000 What? 428 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,000 Kelsey, it is. 429 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,000 All righty. 430 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,000 Your turn. 431 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,000 Two of them. 432 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:09,000 Zach Wild. 433 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,000 I had him and took him off. 434 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:13,000 I like that. 435 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,000 I like that pick. 436 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,000 Yeah. 437 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:21,000 I'm going to put him against Bruiser Brody. 438 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:24,000 Ooh. 439 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,000 That's right. 440 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:31,000 We're bringing Bruiser Brody out of the grave to fend off Zach Wild. 441 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,000 I don't know. 442 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,000 Oh, wow. 443 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,000 Do you want this go to Tofer? 444 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,000 This is kind of tough. 445 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,000 I don't know. 446 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,000 To me, this is pretty dead even. 447 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,000 Yeah, let's send that one to Tofer. 448 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,000 Okay, here, let me. 449 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:45,000 Okay. 450 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:53,000 Okay, again, Zach Wild. 451 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:58,000 Okay, goes to Tofer. 452 00:24:58,000 --> 00:24:59,000 All right. 453 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:00,000 Yep. 454 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,000 Okay. 455 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:05,000 Next one. 456 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,000 Sigourney Weaver. 457 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:12,000 I'll put her against Ted Nugent. 458 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,000 Oh, wow. 459 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,000 You know, he's looking at her going, wang dang, sweet pun tang. 460 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,000 Yeah, yeah. 461 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:26,000 He got the demiserati, got the demiserati, got the demiserati. 462 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,000 I wasn't expecting him. 463 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,000 All right. 464 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,000 That's who I took Zach Wild out for was Ted Nugent. 465 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,000 I was like, I didn't know you were going to use him. 466 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:40,000 I was like, I'll use him later. 467 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,000 Uncle Teddy. 468 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:47,000 All right. 469 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:52,000 Okay, next one. 470 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:58,000 A.K.A. Fitch from American Pie. 471 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,000 Ooh, solid, solid. 472 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:06,000 I'm going to put him against Albert Einstein. 473 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:11,000 Ooh. 474 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,000 I think, what's his name again? 475 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:15,000 Fitch. 476 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,000 Fitch, Fitch. 477 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,000 And from American Pie, right? 478 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,000 Yeah. 479 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,000 He might edge out Albert Einstein. 480 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,000 He might just buy a hair. 481 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:33,000 He is the one that slept with Stiffer's mom. 482 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,000 Yes, yes. 483 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:39,000 I'm going to have to say him. 484 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:43,000 What do you think? 485 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,000 I think he might edge it out. 486 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,000 Okay. 487 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,000 I really do. 488 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,000 What's his name again? 489 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:56,000 Eddie K. Thomas, A.K.A. Fitch from American Pie. 490 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:59,000 Eddie Thomas. 491 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,000 Fitch. 492 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:06,000 American Pie. 493 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:10,000 All right, so I'm trying to keep good records of these because my last ones were fine. 494 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:16,000 It took me forever to figure out what we were talking about because I just jotted this and that. 495 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:18,000 I'm trying to explain a little bit better. 496 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,000 All right, finally I got one. 497 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:24,000 The Duluth Trading Company cartoon guy. 498 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:29,000 You know the one that gets his underwear in a vice? 499 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,000 Yeah. 500 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:36,000 The lumberjack guy. 501 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,000 Well, this is our last one, isn't it? 502 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:41,000 It is. 503 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:44,000 And I saved him for last because he's solid. 504 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:50,000 That dude is flat out fucking hairy. 505 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:55,000 Yeah, my last one's Slash. 506 00:27:55,000 --> 00:28:01,000 Slash is good and solid, but I got to go with the Duluth Trading guy. 507 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:09,000 Because he too has a beard that's Jason Kelsey worthy. 508 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,000 You got a point there. 509 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,000 Yeah. 510 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:13,000 Yep. 511 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:14,000 All right. 512 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:15,000 Yeah. 513 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:16,000 Okay, the Duluth Trading guy. 514 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:19,000 This is going to be a good one, Rob. 515 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:20,000 Yeah, it is. 516 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:23,000 Yes, it is. 517 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:29,000 We both came up with some solid shit on that one. 518 00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:36,000 That right there was probably our best edition of the Harry Asshole Olympics. 519 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:37,000 I think so. 520 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,000 Yeah, there were some sour ones on there. 521 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,000 I never did describe it. 522 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,000 Usually I describe it, so let me describe it right now. 523 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:50,000 Harry Asshole Olympics was a competition that we put famous people in. 524 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:55,000 And what we're doing is we're guessing who has a hairier asshole. 525 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,000 And that's what it's about. 526 00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:02,000 We love the contest and other people love it too. 527 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,000 Yeah. 528 00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:07,000 We get emails about it. 529 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:08,000 Yeah. 530 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,000 Oh, yeah, okay. 531 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:12,000 Speaking of emails, I have to address one of them. 532 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:16,000 I don't have them all downloaded, but okay. 533 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:22,000 I didn't download it and print it off, but basically here's what somebody said. 534 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:26,000 They said, I am like you are the mad shitter in Clinton, Missouri. 535 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:31,000 I am the mad crop duster and I am responsible for farting all over you in the break room. 536 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:37,000 And I think it's funny and I'm going to keep doing it. 537 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,000 Remember, I already got an email to someone fessing up. 538 00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:41,000 Why? 539 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,000 Well, I got another one from the same address. 540 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,000 And they're pretty much rubbing my nose in it. 541 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:49,000 They said that they're going to fart on me more often now. 542 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:51,000 Uh-oh. 543 00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:57,000 And again, he said, PS, everybody thinks it's you. 544 00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:58,000 Yep. 545 00:29:58,000 --> 00:29:59,000 We got a... 546 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,000 You don't know what kind of war you start. 547 00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:03,000 That's what I say. 548 00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:08,000 We've got a serial farter on our hands, Rob. 549 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,000 If anybody can sniff him out, it will be you. 550 00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:15,000 I will find this farter and I will destroy them. 551 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,000 I will destroy them with their own game. 552 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:24,000 You know, I learned something in grade school that's a very valuable lesson. 553 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:31,000 Whenever you fart, you can take your hand in the back of your pants, palm it, and throw it in somebody's face. 554 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:35,000 Have you ever had that done? 555 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:36,000 No. 556 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:39,000 Oh, it's fucking disgusting. 557 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:42,000 There's this kid that this motherfucker... 558 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:46,000 I'm not going to say his name because people are listening to him. 559 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:52,000 He used to rip one out, he'd stick his hand in the back of his pants, get a nice little gob of that gas, 560 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:57,000 and he would throw it in your face and it would smell like he stuck his asshole to your face and farted. 561 00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,000 It was horrible. 562 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:00,000 Oh my God. 563 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:04,000 That's what I'm going to do to the mad crop duster. 564 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:06,000 And this guy, he's pretty proud of it. 565 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:12,000 He thinks it's awesome that he's the mad crop duster and he's threatening me by doing it again. 566 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:16,000 So this is war, crop duster. This is war. 567 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,000 Oh, I feel sorry for him. 568 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:25,000 And by the way, the mad crop duster is going to be on the next ASS paddling because this one right here is already in 569 00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:27,000 and we're going to go into him after we take the next break. 570 00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:28,000 How's that, Rob? 571 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:30,000 All righty. 572 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:33,000 All righty. We'll be right back in a minute. 573 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:36,000 And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. 574 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:51,000 So, if I have a glass of ice water and the ice melts into the water, is my water then watered down? 575 00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:55,000 Hm. I may never know. 576 00:31:55,000 --> 00:32:05,000 We're just like a really funny radio show with all the funny taken out. 577 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:09,000 Two douchebags in a microphone, raw and uncensored. 578 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:11,000 See behind the smoke show. 579 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:14,000 Watch as the douchebags get stung by a swarm of bees. 580 00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:18,000 Enjoy one of many coffee houses ordering our heroes out. 581 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:23,000 Watch Mark revisit Clinton, Missouri to claim his innocence for all the mad shitter accusations. 582 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:24,000 I didn't do it. I'm not the mad shitter. 583 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:29,000 Act now and get both high quality DVD sets and a free douchebag calendar. 584 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:32,000 Mark off the day with a douchebag looking at you. 585 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:35,000 Supplies are limited, so act now. 586 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:39,000 Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. 587 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:43,000 It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity. 588 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:47,000 I will waste you. 589 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:57,000 But my mom told me to not burn trash. 590 00:32:57,000 --> 00:33:01,000 Two douchebags in a microphone, worth every penny. 591 00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,000 That's why it's free. 592 00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:09,000 Hi there. This is Fucknut from Two Fucknuts and a Recorder podcast. 593 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:13,000 Two Douchebags in a Microphone are our favorite podcasts ever. 594 00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:17,000 Please, go to your friend's computer and download it from there. 595 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,000 Go to your church's computer and download it from there. 596 00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:24,000 Go to people you don't know and grab their phones and download it on there. 597 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:28,000 These fuckers need all the help we can get. 598 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:55,000 Remember to bleach your Bluetooth after every show. 599 00:33:55,000 --> 00:34:04,000 And just like that we are back. Two Douchebags in a Microphone. I'm Mark. 600 00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,000 And I'm Rob. 601 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:11,000 Alright, as before mentioned, we have some of his invisible ass paddlings. 602 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:15,000 The mad crop duster is not part of him, but he will, I guarantee you. 603 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:21,000 Next one, he's getting his ass squatted and he's in the Hall of Fame and it's a bear ass paddling too. 604 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,000 I bet he is. 605 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:29,000 So, mad crop duster, when you hear this, you know what's up. 606 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:36,000 I'm going to take like a pillowcase, throw it over his head and tie it to where he can't see me. 607 00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:43,000 And I'm going to hog tie him and I'm going to fart in his face for probably three hours. 608 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:45,000 I bet you will. 609 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:50,000 I will. And I'm going to video it and I'm going to send it to Rob. 610 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:52,000 And then I'll put it on Facebook. 611 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,000 Perfect. Perfect. 612 00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:56,000 Alright. 613 00:34:56,000 --> 00:35:01,000 The first invisible... Okay, I've got to explain this. I haven't been explaining things tonight. 614 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:06,000 Invisible ass paddlings, me and Topher, one of the former hosts here. 615 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:12,000 Hopefully we'll get him back to do little bits in the future or call in every now and then. 616 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:19,000 Anyhow, we were walking down the beach, not holding hands, even though Rob and his brother say different. 617 00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,000 We were not holding hands. 618 00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:23,000 And we were not. We were walking along. 619 00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,000 Yeah, sure. 620 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,000 And I stubbed my toe. 621 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:31,000 And I look back and I'm like, shit, man. It had a cork in it. 622 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:35,000 And Topher's like, hey, look, man. It looks like a genie's bottle. 623 00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:37,000 I go, fuck, my toe hurts. But it does. 624 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:42,000 So I go over there, pick it up. I take the cork out. Bam, a genie pops out. 625 00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:47,000 Very condescending, hateful genie. He did not like us, but he owed us a wish. 626 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:53,000 And me and Topher are like, I had three wishes. He goes, no, guys. That's only in movies. 627 00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:57,000 You get one wish and one wish only, and that's it. 628 00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:07,000 I suggest you use it wisely, like, I don't know, end world hunger, no more violence, no more wars, plenty of drinking water. 629 00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:09,000 You know, don't just waste it. 630 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:15,000 Me and Topher looked at each other and said, no, we want to be invisible once a month so we can paddle people's asses. 631 00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:21,000 The genie hesitated, rolled his eyes, and he kind of shook his head. 632 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:25,000 And he goes, OK, I have to grant it. So he granted our wish. 633 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:29,000 So once a month, actually, we can do it a little bit more than a month. 634 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:39,000 The genie actually reached out to me and said, there's so many stupid fuckers in the world that I can actually do it more than once a month if it's warranted. 635 00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:45,000 So anyhow, that is the invisible ass paddling and I am going to go right into them now. 636 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:58,000 OK, the first ass paddling, invisible ass paddling goes to NBC for not honoring their contract with legendary Al Michaels and snubbing him for the NFL playoffs. 637 00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:04,000 The guy is the best by far and it's not fair what they're, I know why they're judging him. 638 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:17,000 He has ass bag games. The reason he left the NFL was simply because they flex games like the Chiefs have been flexed out of Sunday Night Football because the Patriots, nobody gave a shit. 639 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:21,000 OK, they're horrible this year and they got flexed out. 640 00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:31,000 I mean, so, you know, Al Michaels was going to go to Boston and then all of a sudden they could go, I know we need to go to Florida or something, you know, or wherever, Denver, whatever. 641 00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:36,000 OK, and he didn't like it, you know, he's 76 years old and he doesn't like to have to. 642 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:40,000 So he went to Amazon who can't flex their games. 643 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:48,000 Their games are not flexible, so the game that you have at the first of the season is a game you're going to get however long into the season. 644 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:54,000 So he sounds bored because these games are ass bag games. They can't flex out of them. They're horrible games. 645 00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:59,000 I mean, how excited are you going to get Carolina against the Bears? 646 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:04,000 Well, nobody gives a flying shit about that game except betters. 647 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:10,000 So then Al Michaels comes in with some gambling stats and some statistics and some advice. 648 00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:15,000 And I think the guy's amazing. I think he always has been one of the best broadcasters. 649 00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:23,000 But I think they're using his kind of apathy towards these horrible games against him thinking he's not good anymore. 650 00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:30,000 No, if you got a Kansas City against Cincinnati or if you got a Philadelphia against Dallas or, you know, 651 00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:41,000 if you got a premier game like San Fran against Kansas City or something, you would have Al Michaels sounding like the old Al Michaels. 652 00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,000 But he doesn't get those kind of games right now. 653 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:47,000 But they took him off of it and they really didn't have any reason. 654 00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,000 They just they just took him off of it, said. 655 00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:56,000 And Al Michaels didn't even know they took him off of it because someone asked him, they said, hey, how come you're not doing the playoffs this year? 656 00:38:56,000 --> 00:39:00,000 And he said, yeah, I am. He said it's in my contract. 657 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:06,000 And then I guess he found out that NBC had already sent out notices saying he was not going to be a part of it. 658 00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:13,000 So they get the first crack in the ass and they deserve it. 659 00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,000 I will second that. 660 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:16,000 All right. Good. 661 00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:22,000 The next Hall of Fame inductees already they're already in the ass paddling Hall of Fame in the ass paddling Hall. 662 00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:30,000 NFL refs get to be taken out for a few hours and bare ass paddled for the once again horrible officiating. 663 00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:33,000 These blind as a bad influencers are ruining the fucking game. 664 00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:38,000 They're assholes. Go get a sense of pride, you corn fuck imbeciles. 665 00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:45,000 I'm getting tired of seeing your stupid face instead of the people with the real talent, the ones on the field. 666 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,000 I don't want to see you, you fucking asshole. 667 00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:51,000 You are a stupid ass that we have to deal with. 668 00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:59,000 So anyhow, let him play and quit calling stupid fucking penalties. 669 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:09,000 And I'm not just talking about the Kaderius Tony one, which was complete bullshit because they showed him asking the ref, hey, am I over the line and ref didn't say anything. 670 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:12,000 So what's he supposed to think? 671 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:15,000 And he didn't throw the flag until after the play. 672 00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:20,000 But there was a play before that that they gave to Travis Kelsey that they shouldn't have. 673 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:24,000 It was it was not a catch and they gave it to him. 674 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:27,000 And so I mean, they're blind. They're fucking horrible. 675 00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:33,000 I mean, each side, each side got stung is just ours was a little bit more crucial than theirs. 676 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:38,000 Each side got fucked because these guys cannot do their job correctly. 677 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:45,000 So anyhow, they get ass paddled, they suck during the Hall of Fame, and I think they need to be ass paddled for fucking 30 days in a row. 678 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:48,000 Fair asked. You got it. All right. 679 00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:56,000 Next one, all the Swifties for running out and getting her image carved with ink on your body. 680 00:40:56,000 --> 00:41:01,000 She is Taylor Swift, the most tattooed star ever. 681 00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:04,000 These people are a bunch of rubes. 682 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:15,000 You know, at least now they don't have cash for that seven dollar cup of coffee because they're too busy getting Taylor Swift on their ass or on their whatever's. 683 00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:20,000 Well, that makes me want to go out and get a Travis Kelsey tattoo. 684 00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:24,000 Me too. Me too. I'm going to get on my inner thigh. 685 00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:26,000 Where are you going to get it? 686 00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:28,000 I want my butt cheek. 687 00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,000 Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah. 688 00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:37,000 OK. All right. OK. I'm going to have Travis Kelsey on my inner thigh and I might get my homes on the other inner thigh. 689 00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:41,000 And then you're going to get Kelsey on the butt cheek. Are you going to get my homes at all? Are you going to? 690 00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:42,000 I might as well. 691 00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,000 All right. Where are you going to put my homes? 692 00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:46,000 We'll keep them together. 693 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:49,000 I think so too. Are you going to put them on the other butt cheek? 694 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:52,000 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. 695 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:58,000 You're awesome, Rob. I salute you for being a real fan. 696 00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,000 That's who I am. 697 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:02,000 There you go. 698 00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:14,000 Next one who gets an ass-paddling is Taylor Swift herself for making the very bigoted comment about the male NFL fans that are tired of seeing her during a broadcast. 699 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:23,000 Her comment was, I don't care if any Brad, Dad or Chad doesn't want to see me during the game. 700 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:27,000 Number one, we don't. We don't want to see her. 701 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:31,000 We want to see the game. So fuck you, asshole. 702 00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:37,000 Dad, Brad or Chad. Don't label us. I'll label you. 703 00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:44,000 Fucking dumbass Starlet that hit it big that has minimal talent. 704 00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:46,000 So anyhow. 705 00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:51,000 Once again, I'd rather watch her boyfriend break another NFL record. 706 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:56,000 Yes. We don't want to see her up there high-fiving all the entourage. 707 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:59,000 And Brittany Mahomes and all that. No. 708 00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:07,000 No. And meanwhile, Pro Tyreek Hill is in Miami crying because he's not even the side chick now. 709 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,000 Right. 710 00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:18,000 So anyhow. No, I don't hate Taylor Swift or nothing like that. But I think that that comment, she didn't need to say it like that. 711 00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:20,000 No, she didn't. 712 00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:26,000 It came off very poorly and I expected a little bit more out of her than that. So anyhow. 713 00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:29,000 Yeah, that's a little uppity. 714 00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:36,000 Yeah. Yes, exactly. That's what I'm saying is, you're right. Thank you, Rob. That's the perfect way of putting it. It's like uppity. 715 00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:43,000 We don't need that. So anyhow. The whole fact is, is we want to see the football game. It's nothing against you. 716 00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:47,000 I'll put it like this, Taylor Swift. If you listen, I'm sure she does. 717 00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:52,000 So, okay. Let's say you're watching a movie. 718 00:43:52,000 --> 00:44:03,000 Okay. And the movie has horseback riding. But every time they keep showing some football star that you don't know of or a baseball star, 719 00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:10,000 watching the horseback riding instead of watching the horseback riding, instead of filming that. 720 00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:14,000 It's a very poor example, but I don't know. You know, I had to come up and on a dime. 721 00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:21,000 So look, look, it's nothing against you. It's just we came for football, not Taylor Swift. 722 00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:24,000 So anyhow, we'll move right along. 723 00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,000 Yeah, you're in it all over the world. 724 00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:33,000 Exactly. And I know it's not your fault that all these networks take and throw you up there. 725 00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:37,000 But I mean, you know, it still is annoying to people that just want to watch a game. 726 00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:42,000 So are all these referees that are stealing the spotlight. They're annoying too. 727 00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:54,000 So anyhow. All right. Next one. Ashley furniture for all the fires that was allegedly started by faulty recliners. 728 00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:57,000 Okay. Yeah, there are a bunch of them going on. 729 00:44:57,000 --> 00:45:01,000 And I think Ashley furniture is still saying, no, we got nothing to do with it. 730 00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:06,000 But other people are going out and starting them and starting my recliner, burnt the whole house down. 731 00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:12,000 So yeah, I ran across a story about that, but I didn't read that. 732 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:15,000 And no, I just wanted to give an ass paddling out to him. 733 00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:19,000 So yeah. So at least now they're getting an ass paddling for it. 734 00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:23,000 So if you guys had nothing to do with it, I apologize. 735 00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:29,000 But if you did, then we'll ask paddle you again. How's that? Yeah. All right. 736 00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:34,000 Next one. Amazon fire stick for putting in commercials when I pause a show. 737 00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:37,000 This is complete bullshit. 738 00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:40,000 The other day we're watching a movie and Val had to go get something. 739 00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:44,000 So I paused the show and Val's like, hey, I thought you paused the show, man. 740 00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:48,000 I want to say I go, no, I said they stuck a commercial in the pause. 741 00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:57,000 Isn't that insane? Yeah. That is I think it's fire stick that does that. 742 00:45:57,000 --> 00:46:00,000 I'll know who else could have. I mean, maybe it was Amazon. 743 00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:05,000 I don't know. Whoever done it. Yeah. Amazon is fire stick, actually. 744 00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:10,000 Whoever done it. Yeah. You get an ass paddling because that's complete bullshit. 745 00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:15,000 I mean, you you pause something and then they throw in a commercial. 746 00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:20,000 That's that sucks. Yeah. Yeah, that's that's weird. 747 00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:26,000 Next, ask paddling. Whoever keeps crop dust to me in the break room at work. 748 00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:30,000 I did I did this before I got the email, dude. 749 00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:33,000 You are a vile bastard and need to be paddled bare assed. 750 00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:38,000 And they sent me the email before I could get to these. 751 00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:40,000 So there you go. I was already going to paddle their ass. 752 00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:43,000 Now I think I'm a paddle it more as soon as I find them. 753 00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:49,000 I told you you're going to you're going to get a pillowcase over your head hogtied. 754 00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:52,000 And you're going to be farted upon at least 20. 755 00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:56,000 No more than 20 times, probably for about what, three hours? 756 00:46:56,000 --> 00:47:01,000 I'm going to be a nice guy and get barred all my swaps. 757 00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:05,000 So he gets you to himself. 758 00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:11,000 Rob, you are such a trooper. Thank you. He deserves it. 759 00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:15,000 Yes, he does. I agree. He's just taunting you now. 760 00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:18,000 I know. That's all right. 761 00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:25,000 I will catch said crop duster and I will find you and I will do horrible things to you. 762 00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:26,000 I know you will. 763 00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:34,000 All right. Next one up, Guy Fieri for not leaving his sons a dime when he kills over per his article in the New York Post. 764 00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:41,000 He said he's not leaving his sons anything. He said they're going to have to earn their own. 765 00:47:41,000 --> 00:47:46,000 Couldn't you at least break them off at least 50 grand or something? 766 00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:50,000 Geez, all the money he has, he ain't going to leave them a dime? 767 00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:53,000 I think that's a little too radical. 768 00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:58,000 Make them work until then, make them have a normal life like other people. 769 00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:04,000 But then when you kill over, man, don't just fucking, you know, you can give some to charity or whatever or something like that. 770 00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:09,000 But, you know, the nothing I think is a little extreme. 771 00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:14,000 So Guy Fieri, love you. Love your diners, dive ins and drive ins. 772 00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:21,000 You get an ass paddling. That's the rules, Guy. That's the rules. I don't make them. 773 00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:29,000 Next one, Roger Goodell for barely acknowledging a problem with the horrible officiating on virtually every game. 774 00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:36,000 Agreed? Roger Goodell is an ass bag for not addressing the issue and letting it go on and on and on. 775 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:42,000 And I'm sick of it. They have to do something about it. And it's ruining the game. 776 00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:46,000 Like right now, you're enjoying great ratings. People love people like Mahomes. 777 00:48:46,000 --> 00:48:52,000 People love Jalen Hurts because he's a good guy. You know, there are a lot of storylines there. 778 00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:57,000 There's, you know, I, you know, it's it's a great sport. 779 00:48:57,000 --> 00:49:01,000 But trust me and Rob, you're saying the same thing. 780 00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:08,000 You're ruining the sport by letting these fucking letting these referees take over the game. 781 00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:13,000 Stop them. Reel them in now. It's already a problem and it's only going to get worse. 782 00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:18,000 What now? And we're not only talking about the KC referees. 783 00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:22,000 We're talking about a lot of different NFL referees. Yes, this isn't. 784 00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:24,000 A lot of games. This isn't. Why? Because. 785 00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:30,000 They're screwing up on. Kansas City have been the recipient of plenty of calls that went their way that shouldn't have. 786 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:37,000 The one the one that I most noted was the Kelsey one that happened about 20 minutes before this one. 787 00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:40,000 And he did not catch the ball, but they they said that he did. 788 00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:43,000 He was fumbling it all the way to the ground. 789 00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:47,000 And they said, oh, no, it was a catch. And I was like, boy, we got a gift there. 790 00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:52,000 But, boy, that gift was taken away at the end, wasn't it? So no, it's going both ways. 791 00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:56,000 The chiefs are getting slighted or put out or nothing. 792 00:49:56,000 --> 00:50:00,000 Look, it's ruining the game. Both sides are getting screwed with. 793 00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:05,000 And it's bullshit. Let them play the game and don't influence it. 794 00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:08,000 Right. All right. Next one. 795 00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:14,000 And final one, but the most deserving, in my opinion, these fucktards. 796 00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:20,000 Major League Baseball for coming up with a horrible, terrible idea for a draft lottery. 797 00:50:20,000 --> 00:50:24,000 Now the bottom feeder teams can't even get a good draft picked. 798 00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:32,000 You guys, all of you. Players to owners and everyone in between are greedy assholes. 799 00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:41,000 I hope the screwball fucking league goes under soon and a real league can take its spot with actual games that a small market can compete in. 800 00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:46,000 I can't even stand baseball anymore because you guys fucked it up so bad. 801 00:50:46,000 --> 00:50:51,000 You guys suck. You ruined it. And I can't stand you because of that. 802 00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:54,000 And I won't watch your sport ever again. I'm done with it. 803 00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:59,000 I mean, I don't care how good the Royals do. They could be perennial winners for 10 years in a row. 804 00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:05,000 I'm not watching it out of principle. You guys have fucked me over too many times and I'm sick of it. 805 00:51:05,000 --> 00:51:14,000 So anyhow, they should be in Hall of Fame. Hall of Fame bare ass. 806 00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:21,000 So anyhow, all right. Now that rant's complete. 807 00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:26,000 I've got, you know, Volvo, the automotive people. 808 00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:30,000 They have a list of the most hated highways in America. 809 00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:32,000 Oh, cool. 810 00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:38,000 I think I've been on most of them except maybe two. 811 00:51:38,000 --> 00:51:44,000 OK. Volvo's most list of most hated highways. 812 00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:49,000 Dallas, Texas Highway I-345. 813 00:51:49,000 --> 00:51:53,000 Yeah, it's a bastard because those HOV lanes. 814 00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:57,000 The HOV lanes are lanes in the middle. 815 00:51:57,000 --> 00:52:04,000 And whenever there's a in the morning when people are going into Dallas, that lane, it's a barrier. 816 00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:08,000 It scoots over and it gives all the lanes going into Dallas. 817 00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:10,000 It gives them an extra lane. 818 00:52:10,000 --> 00:52:19,000 And then at night when everyone's going home, the barrier is on a track and it scoots over to give them an extra lane going out of the city. 819 00:52:19,000 --> 00:52:22,000 Right. Sounds like a great idea, right? 820 00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:24,000 Yeah. Wrong. 821 00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:28,000 Cars continually fuck up and get caught in it and it causes more problems. 822 00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:32,000 People don't know what they're doing. They don't understand it. They get into wrecks. 823 00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:40,000 So I understand 345 is a complete mess because people are stupid. 824 00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:47,000 So next one, I-70. That's a no brainer. 825 00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:50,000 Yeah. I-70 is horrible. 826 00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:57,000 And the reason it's horrible is because these truck drivers, the truck drivers don't have enough power to get over these hills. 827 00:52:57,000 --> 00:53:00,000 Look, I-70 through Missouri is terrible. 828 00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:03,000 It's one of the earliest interstates ever built. 829 00:53:03,000 --> 00:53:10,000 And it looked to me like from what I read and can gather, there's a lot of corruption going on. 830 00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:17,000 You know, they're supposed to even out all these hills and these curves and everything, but they didn't. 831 00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:23,000 So it's a very primitive highway for being an interstate, a coast to coast interstate like that. 832 00:53:23,000 --> 00:53:25,000 And it's not in good shape. 833 00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:31,000 And these trucks try to get around another truck and then they hit a hill that they're unaware of and it can't do anything. 834 00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:37,000 So these people are just going insane going 50 miles an hour on what they could be going 70 to 75 on. 835 00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:44,000 And the trucks always get into wreck because, you know, they, I don't know, their fucking, their speeders wore off, whatever. 836 00:53:44,000 --> 00:53:47,000 So I-70 is a horrible freeway. 837 00:53:47,000 --> 00:53:53,000 And it's because the dynamics of how bad the freeway is and the curves and the hills and all that. 838 00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:59,000 When, when you have an interstate, an interstate should be flat and mostly straight. 839 00:53:59,000 --> 00:54:07,000 Right? I-70 is a lot more straight in Colorado going through the Rockies than it is in Missouri. 840 00:54:07,000 --> 00:54:12,000 So, uh, it is. 841 00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:20,000 Next one. Now I'm not saying there's not a lot of really long, steep hills there, but they're, but they're a lot more drivable. 842 00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:29,000 So anyhow, next one is Detroit's I-375. 375 or I-75 both suck. 843 00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:32,000 And they're both horrible through Detroit. 844 00:54:32,000 --> 00:54:37,000 And I believe it's I-75 that ends at the Canadian border. 845 00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:44,000 And it's weird because all of a sudden it just stops and then you go to the smaller road just out of nowhere. 846 00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:49,000 And it goes to the bridge and the tunnel going into Canada. 847 00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:56,000 So you're going through this expressway and suddenly you're in a horrible part of Detroit going really slow. 848 00:54:56,000 --> 00:55:01,000 And it's like, what the hell? Next thing you know, you're locking your doors and shit because you're like, wow, I don't know about this. 849 00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:03,000 If you're going to Canada, you know. 850 00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:09,000 So, yeah, I can see I-375 being a nightmare. I-75 is a nightmare. 851 00:55:09,000 --> 00:55:15,000 Next one. Oakland I-980. Yeah. Yeah. I can't agree more with that. 852 00:55:15,000 --> 00:55:21,000 Um, it like does this crazy, stupid loop deal, but it doesn't make sense. 853 00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:26,000 And you know what? I'm just not going to. People that know, know. 854 00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:30,000 And it's not worth explaining because there's a lot of different dynamics in it. 855 00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:38,000 So next one is Pasadena, California Route 710. Never been there. Never been on South 710. 856 00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:42,000 I'm going to take Volvo's word for it that it's horrible. 857 00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:45,000 Rochester, New York, the inner loop. I don't agree with that one at all. 858 00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:50,000 I don't know. I've been there a couple of times. 859 00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:57,000 They seem fine to me. I don't know. Maybe something else. I don't know. 860 00:55:57,000 --> 00:56:03,000 So, San Francisco I-280. Yeah. Yeah. 861 00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:06,000 And that's just because the sheer volume of people. 862 00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:11,000 The actual interstate isn't that bad, Rob. It's actually pretty straight and it makes sense. 863 00:56:11,000 --> 00:56:17,000 And the exits are cool. They're not like throwing you for a loop or nothing. 864 00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:22,000 It's because so many people are going into San Francisco, or at least this is before COVID. 865 00:56:22,000 --> 00:56:26,000 I don't know if it's going on like that now, but I did several jobs in San Francisco. 866 00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:30,000 And if you have to go into San Francisco proper, plan on two hours. 867 00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:36,000 I mean, I'm not kidding you. Oh, yeah. It is a standstill. 868 00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:42,000 Yeah. So I agree with that. Syracuse, New York, I-81. 869 00:56:42,000 --> 00:56:49,000 Again, I didn't think the Syracuse, Rochester area had very many problems, but I don't live there. 870 00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:54,000 I mean, it seemed to me like they worked pretty good when I was there. 871 00:56:54,000 --> 00:56:58,000 And Trenton, New Jersey Route 29. Yeah, that's pretty bad. 872 00:56:58,000 --> 00:57:01,000 But to be like one of the top ones, I don't know. 873 00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:08,000 Then again, I probably wasn't there during rush hour or like a game or something. I don't know. 874 00:57:08,000 --> 00:57:13,000 You know, so maybe it is that bad. What I say is where's I-95? 875 00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:22,000 I-95 is a bullshit road. It goes up and down the coast from Florida to Maine to Canada. 876 00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:30,000 And that road, there's not you can be going through the Carolinas or Bumfuck, Virginia or anywhere. 877 00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:37,000 Georgia, Bumfuck, Georgia. It is always packed. And there's always idiots trying to hit you on that road. 878 00:57:37,000 --> 00:57:41,000 I think I-95 should have been first, in my opinion. 879 00:57:41,000 --> 00:57:49,000 So and then the big one, the big omission that really bothers me is where's Coastal 101 in California? 880 00:57:49,000 --> 00:57:57,000 That thing is a fucking nightmare. That thing is a horrible road and they need to redesign it. 881 00:57:57,000 --> 00:58:09,000 The word is, is I don't know if this is true or not, but from what I read is, was it Goodyear or Michelin or something? 882 00:58:09,000 --> 00:58:15,000 They put them in charge of that road and they configured it to where people are like sitting there burning up tires. 883 00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:23,000 I don't know if that's true or not. I just read that. So if that's wrong, you know, I apologize. 884 00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:32,000 But they supposedly used to have a lot better system and then they changed it and that's what screwed it up. 885 00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:38,000 It was like when I used to work in North Kansas City. They had really good drainage, right? 886 00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:43,000 Then they went and they redid the drainage ditches and it flooded all the time. 887 00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:53,000 But then later on I found out they said that they didn't want the water running into the Missouri River that quick because it hurt species of frogs. 888 00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:58,000 But I found that out later. Yeah. So that's what they said. 889 00:58:58,000 --> 00:59:03,000 They said that water ran through there so quick that it was hurting the frogs. 890 00:59:03,000 --> 00:59:11,000 So we got flooded out like every time it rained when I worked up there. 891 00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:16,000 Anyhow, before we end this broadcast here, we got about five minutes left. 892 00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:27,000 I want to go into our numbers here. My God. Yeah. Yeah. Guys, keep keep on telling people, man, this thing is starting to really hit good. 893 00:59:27,000 --> 00:59:36,000 We appreciate it. I mean, Des Moines, Council Bluffs, Kansas City, all of it. I mean, you guys are really bringing it. 894 00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:41,000 We have a lot of other hot spots, too. We do well in Denver. Let's see. Let me see here. 895 00:59:41,000 --> 00:59:50,000 It's been a while since we, you know, did our top market. So allow me please to go over this a little bit. OK. 896 00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:55,000 Des Moines is our second largest market, just killing it up there. 897 00:59:55,000 --> 01:00:01,000 And I believe the guy that that emailed me and said the reason we do so well is there's lack of entertaining radio up there. 898 01:00:01,000 --> 01:00:08,000 He said there's virtually none. Kansas City, Missouri is our first one, of course, Kansas City. Kansas is our second. 899 01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:13,000 No, our third largest market because Des Moines are second of people listening. 900 01:00:13,000 --> 01:00:18,000 Ashburn, North Carolina. We have a huge amount of listeners there. Thank you guys. 901 01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:25,000 Harrisonville, Missouri. If you took Harrisonville and put it per capita, we have a million listeners in Kansas City. 902 01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:31,000 I cannot believe how many hits we get for Harrisonville. Thank you. 903 01:00:31,000 --> 01:00:38,000 I don't even know if I know anyone left in Harrisonville. I used to know virtually everybody there. 904 01:00:38,000 --> 01:00:44,000 Same way. Same way. I ain't been up around there in years. 905 01:00:44,000 --> 01:00:53,000 DoucheB66 at Yahoo.com. If you know me and you're in Harrisonville and you know me, email me and let me know who you are. OK? 906 01:00:53,000 --> 01:00:56,000 You're the one of us. I know some of you probably still live there. 907 01:00:56,000 --> 01:01:01,000 So I probably used to fucking go the arcade and play in something. 908 01:01:01,000 --> 01:01:12,000 So anyhow, next one. Brussels, Belgium. I cannot believe I'm still just like Florida. 909 01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:18,000 Let's see. Columbus, Ohio. I wonder if that's where was her name? 910 01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:29,000 Ruthann? Or Ruthann or something like that? Yeah, that complains about me ditching Disson on the Bengals. 911 01:01:29,000 --> 01:01:37,000 I wonder if that's where she lives. Is that central Ohio? I think she said central or north central or something like that. 912 01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:42,000 Well, anyhow, it doesn't matter. Just thinking out loud. Denver, we have a pretty good amount of listeners. 913 01:01:42,000 --> 01:01:52,000 Lake Ozark is good. Council Bluffs is still good. Adrian kind of dropped off. Adrian, Missouri. I don't know, man. 914 01:01:52,000 --> 01:02:01,000 Our people there must be on vacation for the last few months because Adrian, Missouri, we haven't got anything from there in a while. 915 01:02:01,000 --> 01:02:10,000 Anyhow, those are our top markets. Doesn't seem like. Oh, St. Louis is starting to come around too. 916 01:02:10,000 --> 01:02:17,000 Yeah, yeah, they are. Yeah, there's no rhyme or reason to why we do so well in some markets and other ones. 917 01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:25,000 No, the only thing I could think of is this. I think someone initiates, hey, listen, two douchebags microphone. That sounds interesting. 918 01:02:25,000 --> 01:02:33,000 So, you know, they. Yeah, yeah, I get a lot of comments about our name. Yeah, people love the name and it's a solid name. 919 01:02:33,000 --> 01:02:44,000 It really is. I mean, and like I said, it's aptly named. Do what? What do you say, Rob? A lot of people are kind of shocked when it comes out of my mouth. 920 01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:52,000 All right. Huh? Yeah. Do you start some microphone? Well, like I said, if I had to describe this show. 921 01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:59,000 I something that's in something that's catchy to douchebags and microphone, it has all different types of things in there. 922 01:02:59,000 --> 01:03:06,000 It could be like that Beck song got two douchebags in a microphone. Where is that? It could be that. 923 01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:12,000 Yeah. Or it could be a couple of dudes that are douchebags and a microphone. 924 01:03:12,000 --> 01:03:20,000 Or it could be about anything. I mean, you know, it what it is, is is something that resonates in your head and you don't forget. 925 01:03:20,000 --> 01:03:25,000 Someone says, hey, that's a name you will. You won't forget it. Yeah. 926 01:03:25,000 --> 01:03:30,000 And someone goes, hey, what are you listening to? Two douchebags, microphone. No, what are you listening? 927 01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:39,000 No, two douchebags, a microphone or podcast. Really? That would make me want to listen if if I if I heard that name. 928 01:03:39,000 --> 01:03:46,000 Oh, you know what? That's probably a bunch of dick and fart jokes. That's what I like. I'm going to go download their shit. 929 01:03:46,000 --> 01:03:53,000 So evidently, dick and fart jokes are still in, even though regular radio thinks it's not. 930 01:03:53,000 --> 01:04:01,000 Right. So anyhow, thank you, everybody. Yes, that's right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 931 01:04:01,000 --> 01:04:07,000 Keep telling you. Thank you. Each and everyone. This shit is working. No joke. This is working, man. 932 01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:16,000 Our numbers are going insane. Please keep telling people because it is working. Thank you very much. 933 01:04:16,000 --> 01:04:24,000 Every one of you that listen, write to us. Keep writing. I got about 12 emails I got to get to. 934 01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:30,000 We might get to them tomorrow if I get a chance to print them off. If I get a chance to print them off, I will. 935 01:04:30,000 --> 01:04:38,000 If not, then there'll be next week. But I try to keep up with emails as much as I can. Thank you, everybody. 936 01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:48,000 We appreciate it. Have a great night. Which I am now on two and a half weeks vacation. So me and Mark are going to go to work. 937 01:04:48,000 --> 01:04:53,000 Yes. And we have more bits coming up for you. I have some really good ones. 938 01:04:53,000 --> 01:05:03,000 I got to have Chad, the voice guy, do a couple of bits before we can start doing them because I have to hear them. 939 01:05:03,000 --> 01:05:09,000 You know, I talked to you about some of it this morning. Right. Okay. 940 01:05:09,000 --> 01:05:16,000 Well, there's one in particular that I didn't talk to you about that I'm really developing that I'm really proud of, but it has to be done right. 941 01:05:16,000 --> 01:05:22,000 It's got to have you in there. It's got to have me in there. It's got to have Chad in there and possibly somebody else. 942 01:05:22,000 --> 01:05:32,000 Okay. So anyhow. All right. You know what? All this probably bores everyone else. So anyhow, just hang out with us. Thank you. Have a great night. 943 01:05:32,000 --> 01:05:40,000 Up and coming. Up and coming. More stupid shit. Imagine that from two douchebags and microphone. 944 01:05:40,000 --> 01:05:58,000 Okay. Again. Thank you. Have a great night. Good night, everybody. 945 01:05:58,000 --> 01:06:07,000 Hey, where do they go? Where are the douchebags? Oh my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez. 946 01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:29,000 Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man, that smells.