Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas! You're still a fucking asshole.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Okay, if I borrow money from a pessimist, would they expect to not get it back?
Hmph, I may never know.
When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water, because nobody likes a stinky asshole.
Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
Hi everybody, this is Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Oh, hey, Rob, I've got a question for you.
Yeah?
You ever heard of Scoragami?
Yeah, I haven't.
Okay, interesting little concept here.
I guess it's become like a better is big deal and stuff, you know.
Okay, Scoragami in the NFL is a combined total final score added together that has never happened before.
So a perfect example of Scoragami in the NFL would be the Thursday Night Football game between the Los Angeles Chargers and the Las Vegas Raiders.
The final score is 63 to 21.
That combined score added together is 84.
That number has never happened in the NFL before, so that would make it a Scoragami score.
Okay?
Alright.
Okay, so you see where they're going with this.
It's just another way to bet, another way to look at a couple of games.
Let's face it, this was an ass-bag game.
The Raiders aren't doing that well.
Los Angeles Chargers definitely aren't doing that well.
As a matter of fact, right after the game, they fired their head coach.
So, you know, they're not doing well.
So it's an ass-bag game.
So something like this gives the average Joe maybe a rooting interest in it.
And maybe you get tired of betting over or under.
I mean, because over under 63 to 21, I guarantee you nobody bet over that.
Everything was under.
So anyhow, so okay.
Since that number has never happened and it made it Scoragami, so the one-point safety.
Have you ever heard of a one-point safety, Rob?
No, I have not.
I didn't until I started looking into Scoragami more and then I found out this.
So a one-point safety is the rarest score in the NFL.
And the reason they point out the one-point is because there's never, ever been a one-to-nothing game.
Never.
Which interests me because you think in all these years there would have been, right?
Yeah.
Not ever.
Not before the AFL and the NFL, NFC got together.
None of that.
It's never happened as far as on record.
Not even in college, not even in high school because college has the same rule about the one-point safety.
Okay.
But it's, so anyhow, okay.
So what has to happen with the one-point safety is a team is trying to convert a two-point conversion, then fumble the ball.
The defense then takes the ball out of the end zone and then gets tackled in the end zone for the one-point safety.
Isn't that interesting?
Wow.
Yeah.
So that is the official.
I never knew that.
That is a one-point safety and it is an actual scoring, you know, but it's one point.
And I didn't know this, but yeah.
So okay.
So it's never happened in the modern NFL, but it has happened in 1956.
You know what?
I was wrong.
I thought they did.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I could have swore.
You know what?
I was wrong.
But it has happened.
It has happened in 1956 in the old NFC conference before the AFL merge.
The Cleveland Browns were the recipient of a one-point safety.
Now, now the spread in Vegas on the odds of a one-point safety is usually around one to 10,000.
So one could bet a dollar and potentially win 10,000.
Now, if one can bind this with score a Gami, the odds are even more nutty.
It's usually around one in 20,000.
One could potentially put a dollar down and come up with 20,000 if these rare things happen.
Yeah, that game may never happen, but it's a hell of a lot cooler to bet on what, you know,
than what Rayanna's song is going to lead off with at the Super Bowl.
You know?
Yeah.
I mean, that's something that is a legitimate bet.
You know, it's not like what Rayanna's dress is going to be.
It's not going to be if Beyonce has arrested Destiny Child, whether it's not going to be, you know,
if Steven Tyler, you know, salutes the crowd, you know, whatever.
So anyhow, pretty interesting.
Yeah.
So anyhow, you got something you want to go into, Rob?
Yeah, actually, I have an update.
Here, a week or two ago, I did a story about Steamboat Willie, the first Mickey Mouse protein.
Yes.
On how Disney was about to lose the trademark.
And it was up to them whether they wanted to save him or not.
Yeah.
On January 1st, 2024, Steamboat Willie and consequently,
the characters of Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse will enter the public domain.
I'll be damned.
And this is on Disneybymark.com.
I wonder why they're choosing not to re-up that.
They have the money.
It's not a big deal to them.
Any ideas on that, Rob?
No.
Well, they're...
I can't get their angle.
Oh, here.
The spokesperson continued,
more modern versions of Mickey will remain unaffected.
It's violation of Steamboat Willie copyright,
and Mickey will continue to play a leading role as a global ambassador.
OK.
All right.
It doesn't say why they're not.
They simply don't need it.
And so they're not bothering with it.
So, OK.
Hey, just for everyone to know,
our new show is going to be called Steamboat Willie.
Ah, cool.
1st of 2024, we're no longer two douchebags in a microphone.
We are Steamboat Willie.
We can legally do it.
Yes.
So, do you know they have artificial intelligence toilets?
At this point, it wouldn't surprise me.
Me neither.
An artificial intelligence tool is being developed by Duke scientists
and can be added to the standard toilet to help analyze patient stool
and give gastro-testinologists the information they need
to provide appropriate treatments for chronic issues
such as inflammatory bowel disease and irritable bowel disease, IBD and IBS.
The work is being done by Duke University's Center for Water Sanitation,
Hygiene and Infectious Disease,
and was presented Saturday at the Virtual Conference Digestive Disease Week 2023.
Typically, gastro-testinologist...
Fuck.
You know, people look at your gastrointestinal cycle,
have to rely on patient self-reported information about their stool
to help determine the cause of their gastrointestinal...
Intestinal.
I keep saying testicle, Rob.
What the hell? What's wrong with you?
Intestinal health issues, which can be very unreliable.
I'm sorry, man.
I just got home from work and just let the dogs out,
and I ran straight here to do the podcast.
I'm a little beat, and I'm probably not be reading stuff too good today,
so I'm just letting you all know.
Anyhow, you know, it's pretty cool,
and they even have these AI toilets,
can even tell if there's something fishy in your blood
that could relate to cancer-wise.
Really?
Yeah, now that doesn't happen all the time.
Under certain situations, it can help them look into it further
to maybe diagnose cancer, hopefully early.
So, I mean, this is a pretty good invention
because there's a lot of IBD and IBI people out there
that don't have answers, and I tell you what,
a lot of people laugh at it.
It's a serious condition because I know two people that have it,
and it's horrible.
You can't hardly go out in public because all of a sudden,
you know, your gut feels like it's turning round and round,
and you've got to run to the toilet, you know,
and then you're in a public toilet,
and you're splatting all over the place,
and the toilet water is hitting you.
I mean, it's just, you know, it's not a very good thing to have in it,
and, you know, if they can start figuring some stuff about it,
that would be really good, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, so...
That would be.
Right.
I could see where AI would be good at that.
Yes.
The other stuff that scares me.
Oh, shit, well, we've been going off about that for a long time.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyhow, on a lighter note,
you know that Oreo has three new flavors, Rob?
Really?
Yep.
The three new Oreo flavors are Oreo gluten-free golden Oreo peanut butter cake stirs
and limited edition Oreo black and white cookies.
Look at the options, they are quite different.
The most exciting flavor is the Oreo peanut butter cake stirs,
which I agree with, a permanent addition,
the combination of the slightly softer cookie
with a sweet and salty flavor should be quite enjoyable.
The peanut butter cream is rich, yet not overpowering,
while there was a nuttier butter cake stir,
but it's no longer available.
So this one's going to probably, I mean, kind of take the place of that, I guess?
Yeah.
And it sounds pretty damn good to me.
Yeah, it sounds good to me, too.
Yeah, hell yeah.
I've been willing to try them, and I will, as soon as I see them,
I will be grabbing them off the shelf,
and they'll eventually make their way into my mouth.
Yeah, me too.
All right.
So Rob, did you ever get your hairy asshole Olympics in or not,
or should we do that tomorrow?
Doesn't matter whether we do it today or tomorrow.
I got mine.
I got mine, too.
Is this a throwdown, Rob?
Is this a throwdown?
Did you throw in a band?
Oh, shit.
No, you don't have to.
We can throw them in next time.
Okay, I didn't ask, so I just figured we weren't doing a band.
Okay, we'll do the band next time.
I got 10.
All right, let's take us a break,
and we're going to come back with the hairy asshole Olympics part three.
Three, episode one.
All right, we're getting down and dirty.
We're going to run out of hairy assholes, Rob.
Oh, just wait.
I'm about to whip your ass.
Uh-huh, yeah.
All right, I heard that last time, too, and the time before.
Last time, we were even up.
Well, I did win the last one.
Yeah, but we're even up, right?
Didn't I win the first one?
Right, we're even.
All right, okay.
We'll be right back here in a minute with the hairy asshole Olympics.
A lot of podcasts just come from a can.
Here at Two Dish Bags and a Microphone, we pour our own podcasts.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
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How yummy.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
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Real hilarity.
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The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
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But we can tell you what you can eat.
Elderberries can be a delicious and tasty treat in the wild.
During the apocalypse, this can be a great go-to food because it is also medicinal.
It helps with inflammation to headaches.
And also, maybe you're sore from running from that radioactive antelope or whatever.
Take some elderberries.
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Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Baseball's third season of the year begins tonight.
Yay!
Two ass bags and a box of Cheez-Its will be right back.
And we are back.
Two douche bags and a microphone.
I am the Mark part of it.
And I am Rob.
Alrighty.
Okay, so like we said before, I'm going to take a drink of my Mountain Dew here.
Real sugar Mountain Dew because I'm that kind of a snob.
I'm going to take a drink of tea.
Alrighty.
Real sugar tea, right?
Of course.
Alright, because he's that kind of a snob.
So, okay.
Harry Asshole Olympics, volume three, episode one.
My first one, David Crosby.
I know he's a musician, but I don't consider him a band.
No, no, he's a musician.
Yeah, yeah, I meant him as a person and not a band.
Because we'll do the band thing next time.
Okay, well let's put him against Wolfgang Van Halen.
Oh, shit.
That's easy to me.
It's got to be Wolfgang.
He's younger and he's really hairy.
Yes, he is.
Well, and David Crosby's dead too.
But still, it doesn't matter.
I wouldn't even take that into consideration.
No, you know, I think Asshole Hair still grow for a couple of years.
I think we're good on him, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, Wolfgang won it.
Next one, Dan Haggerty, also known as Grizzly Adams.
Ooh.
Yes, sir, Rob.
Yes, sir.
Okay.
Let's put him against Dennis Rodman.
I'm going to have to go with Dan Haggerty because I've seen Dennis Rodman in person and he's not that hairy.
I always figured he might have a little something going on down there.
No, he hangs out at this place called Ocean Manor Hotel in Fort Lauderdale.
My understanding is I've seen Michael Irvin there and a couple other football players who I wasn't sure who they were,
but everybody said they look like and everyone said they're football players.
But anyhow, he's not that hairy, dude.
Well, I just do Dennis in there.
I kind of want to keep Dan around because I don't know what others would not like to put him up against.
All right, cool.
That sounds good.
But anyhow, Dennis Rodman, I love the thought of it.
I mean, I do.
But man, you talk about a guy that, geez, in my opinion, just a complete fucking douchebag.
I was walking in from the beach and they were right in front of me, him and his little short little handler guy.
It's like crazy because his handler looks like to be about four foot tall for real, not just because he's standing next to Dennis Rodman.
And he's like in front of me, out of the way and all this stuff and directed everything.
And it's like, dude, get the fuck out of here, you little bastard.
So anyhow, Dennis Rodman gets in the lobby of Ocean Manor.
Everyone's having breakfast and he's like in the lobby where the dining room is.
And he starts going, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
And I'm like, what the fuck?
And people are like looking at him like he's like reciting the Lord's Prayer.
I'm like, man, dude, it's like, dude, you overstayed your welcome.
Go get.
Anyhow, and then you see all these people down at the Tiki Hut behind there fucking marking out to him.
Anyhow, you know what?
I'm not a fan.
I'll just leave it at that.
Yeah.
So, um, um, go ahead and, uh, you say the next two.
That way we're like completely even on this and then we'll just switch back and forth.
Okay.
So you pick one that you want out there against whoever I can get.
Okay.
I'm going to say, uh, Phil Robertson.
Phil Robertson.
Please.
Who is it?
It's the father, the founder of Duck Commander.
Okay.
If you ever watch the show, he is always picking stuff out of his beard.
He's always telling people that he only takes a shower once a week.
Okay.
Um, all right.
I'm going to put him against Santa Claus.
Oh.
I don't know.
I know who you're talking about now and it's pretty even up.
Yeah, I mean, I'm the show you watching, Dick's stuff out of his beard.
Yeah.
I'm going to have to go, um, what's his name again?
Phil Robertson.
I think Phil Robertson beats out Santa Claus just by an, an ink.
Yeah.
I'm going to.
Santa is pretty busy, especially this time of year.
He ain't got time to take care of him.
You know what?
You're right.
We need to leave Santa alone.
We may, we may revisit him.
Okay.
You know?
All right.
We're going to, we're going to go ahead and Santa Claus lost this, but we reserve the
right for either you or me to bring him back at a future date.
How's that when he's not so busy?
Sounds good.
Okay.
All right.
Your turn.
Wolfman Jack.
Oh, I got one.
Denver pile.
Uncle Jesse.
Dukes of hazard.
Oh, wow.
Dude, I was reaching.
Yeah.
I think I got you out of the Wolfman Jack.
Wolfman Jack.
All right.
He's going to be a hard one to beat.
Yes, he is.
I like Denver pile though.
I like, I like him.
Okay.
We're going to go ahead and give it to Wolfman Jack with the other thought that one of us
can bring Denver pile back if we want.
Yeah.
I like him.
All righty.
Okay.
Caesar from Planet of the Apes.
Oh.
I've got one coming up that's going to blow your mind, Rob.
I think.
I really think Donald Trump has a comb over down there also.
I'm still going with the ape.
I'm not going to argue with the comb over down there.
Yeah, he probably does.
And he probably makes women fondle it and ogle over it and tell them how good it is.
Oh, you know he does.
Oh, it's a terrific, terrific comb over on my balls.
Oh, such a great comb over.
Oh, it's such a good comb over.
So anyhow, anyhow.
All right.
Caesar.
It is.
All right.
Next one.
Jason Kelsey.
He, my friend, is Harry.
His beard comes up to his fucking eyes almost.
Let's put him up against Jason Momoa's Momoa.
I'm going to have to go with Jason Kelsey because Momoa's beard is, it's a good one, but it's not Jason Kelsey good.
Jason Kelsey, if you look at him, his beard goes way up his cheek.
Yeah, yeah, I don't even think he even trims his eyebrows.
No, he doesn't.
He's got those fucking black woolly worm looking eyebrows.
Yeah.
Okay, you get the.
Jason Lee.
Oh, go ahead.
What?
Kelsey, it is.
All righty.
Your turn.
Two of them.
Zach Wild.
I had him and took him off.
I like that.
I like that pick.
Yeah.
I'm going to put him against Bruiser Brody.
Ooh.
That's right.
We're bringing Bruiser Brody out of the grave to fend off Zach Wild.
I don't know.
Oh, wow.
Do you want this go to Tofer?
This is kind of tough.
I don't know.
To me, this is pretty dead even.
Yeah, let's send that one to Tofer.
Okay, here, let me.
Okay.
Okay, again, Zach Wild.
Okay, goes to Tofer.
All right.
Yep.
Okay.
Next one.
Sigourney Weaver.
I'll put her against Ted Nugent.
Oh, wow.
You know, he's looking at her going, wang dang, sweet pun tang.
Yeah, yeah.
He got the demiserati, got the demiserati, got the demiserati.
I wasn't expecting him.
All right.
That's who I took Zach Wild out for was Ted Nugent.
I was like, I didn't know you were going to use him.
I was like, I'll use him later.
Uncle Teddy.
All right.
Okay, next one.
A.K.A. Fitch from American Pie.
Ooh, solid, solid.
I'm going to put him against Albert Einstein.
Ooh.
I think, what's his name again?
Fitch.
Fitch, Fitch.
And from American Pie, right?
Yeah.
He might edge out Albert Einstein.
He might just buy a hair.
He is the one that slept with Stiffer's mom.
Yes, yes.
I'm going to have to say him.
What do you think?
I think he might edge it out.
Okay.
I really do.
What's his name again?
Eddie K. Thomas, A.K.A. Fitch from American Pie.
Eddie Thomas.
Fitch.
American Pie.
All right, so I'm trying to keep good records of these because my last ones were fine.
It took me forever to figure out what we were talking about because I just jotted this and that.
I'm trying to explain a little bit better.
All right, finally I got one.
The Duluth Trading Company cartoon guy.
You know the one that gets his underwear in a vice?
Yeah.
The lumberjack guy.
Well, this is our last one, isn't it?
It is.
And I saved him for last because he's solid.
That dude is flat out fucking hairy.
Yeah, my last one's Slash.
Slash is good and solid, but I got to go with the Duluth Trading guy.
Because he too has a beard that's Jason Kelsey worthy.
You got a point there.
Yeah.
Yep.
All right.
Yeah.
Okay, the Duluth Trading guy.
This is going to be a good one, Rob.
Yeah, it is.
Yes, it is.
We both came up with some solid shit on that one.
That right there was probably our best edition of the Harry Asshole Olympics.
I think so.
Yeah, there were some sour ones on there.
I never did describe it.
Usually I describe it, so let me describe it right now.
Harry Asshole Olympics was a competition that we put famous people in.
And what we're doing is we're guessing who has a hairier asshole.
And that's what it's about.
We love the contest and other people love it too.
Yeah.
We get emails about it.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Speaking of emails, I have to address one of them.
I don't have them all downloaded, but okay.
I didn't download it and print it off, but basically here's what somebody said.
They said, I am like you are the mad shitter in Clinton, Missouri.
I am the mad crop duster and I am responsible for farting all over you in the break room.
And I think it's funny and I'm going to keep doing it.
Remember, I already got an email to someone fessing up.
Why?
Well, I got another one from the same address.
And they're pretty much rubbing my nose in it.
They said that they're going to fart on me more often now.
Uh-oh.
And again, he said, PS, everybody thinks it's you.
Yep.
We got a...
You don't know what kind of war you start.
That's what I say.
We've got a serial farter on our hands, Rob.
If anybody can sniff him out, it will be you.
I will find this farter and I will destroy them.
I will destroy them with their own game.
You know, I learned something in grade school that's a very valuable lesson.
Whenever you fart, you can take your hand in the back of your pants, palm it, and throw it in somebody's face.
Have you ever had that done?
No.
Oh, it's fucking disgusting.
There's this kid that this motherfucker...
I'm not going to say his name because people are listening to him.
He used to rip one out, he'd stick his hand in the back of his pants, get a nice little gob of that gas,
and he would throw it in your face and it would smell like he stuck his asshole to your face and farted.
It was horrible.
Oh my God.
That's what I'm going to do to the mad crop duster.
And this guy, he's pretty proud of it.
He thinks it's awesome that he's the mad crop duster and he's threatening me by doing it again.
So this is war, crop duster. This is war.
Oh, I feel sorry for him.
And by the way, the mad crop duster is going to be on the next ASS paddling because this one right here is already in
and we're going to go into him after we take the next break.
How's that, Rob?
All righty.
All righty. We'll be right back in a minute.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
So, if I have a glass of ice water and the ice melts into the water, is my water then watered down?
Hm. I may never know.
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Alright, as before mentioned, we have some of his invisible ass paddlings.
The mad crop duster is not part of him, but he will, I guarantee you.
Next one, he's getting his ass squatted and he's in the Hall of Fame and it's a bear ass paddling too.
I bet he is.
So, mad crop duster, when you hear this, you know what's up.
I'm going to take like a pillowcase, throw it over his head and tie it to where he can't see me.
And I'm going to hog tie him and I'm going to fart in his face for probably three hours.
I bet you will.
I will. And I'm going to video it and I'm going to send it to Rob.
And then I'll put it on Facebook.
Perfect. Perfect.
Alright.
The first invisible... Okay, I've got to explain this. I haven't been explaining things tonight.
Invisible ass paddlings, me and Topher, one of the former hosts here.
Hopefully we'll get him back to do little bits in the future or call in every now and then.
Anyhow, we were walking down the beach, not holding hands, even though Rob and his brother say different.
We were not holding hands.
And we were not. We were walking along.
Yeah, sure.
And I stubbed my toe.
And I look back and I'm like, shit, man. It had a cork in it.
And Topher's like, hey, look, man. It looks like a genie's bottle.
I go, fuck, my toe hurts. But it does.
So I go over there, pick it up. I take the cork out. Bam, a genie pops out.
Very condescending, hateful genie. He did not like us, but he owed us a wish.
And me and Topher are like, I had three wishes. He goes, no, guys. That's only in movies.
You get one wish and one wish only, and that's it.
I suggest you use it wisely, like, I don't know, end world hunger, no more violence, no more wars, plenty of drinking water.
You know, don't just waste it.
Me and Topher looked at each other and said, no, we want to be invisible once a month so we can paddle people's asses.
The genie hesitated, rolled his eyes, and he kind of shook his head.
And he goes, OK, I have to grant it. So he granted our wish.
So once a month, actually, we can do it a little bit more than a month.
The genie actually reached out to me and said, there's so many stupid fuckers in the world that I can actually do it more than once a month if it's warranted.
So anyhow, that is the invisible ass paddling and I am going to go right into them now.
OK, the first ass paddling, invisible ass paddling goes to NBC for not honoring their contract with legendary Al Michaels and snubbing him for the NFL playoffs.
The guy is the best by far and it's not fair what they're, I know why they're judging him.
He has ass bag games. The reason he left the NFL was simply because they flex games like the Chiefs have been flexed out of Sunday Night Football because the Patriots, nobody gave a shit.
OK, they're horrible this year and they got flexed out.
I mean, so, you know, Al Michaels was going to go to Boston and then all of a sudden they could go, I know we need to go to Florida or something, you know, or wherever, Denver, whatever.
OK, and he didn't like it, you know, he's 76 years old and he doesn't like to have to.
So he went to Amazon who can't flex their games.
Their games are not flexible, so the game that you have at the first of the season is a game you're going to get however long into the season.
So he sounds bored because these games are ass bag games. They can't flex out of them. They're horrible games.
I mean, how excited are you going to get Carolina against the Bears?
Well, nobody gives a flying shit about that game except betters.
So then Al Michaels comes in with some gambling stats and some statistics and some advice.
And I think the guy's amazing. I think he always has been one of the best broadcasters.
But I think they're using his kind of apathy towards these horrible games against him thinking he's not good anymore.
No, if you got a Kansas City against Cincinnati or if you got a Philadelphia against Dallas or, you know,
if you got a premier game like San Fran against Kansas City or something, you would have Al Michaels sounding like the old Al Michaels.
But he doesn't get those kind of games right now.
But they took him off of it and they really didn't have any reason.
They just they just took him off of it, said.
And Al Michaels didn't even know they took him off of it because someone asked him, they said, hey, how come you're not doing the playoffs this year?
And he said, yeah, I am. He said it's in my contract.
And then I guess he found out that NBC had already sent out notices saying he was not going to be a part of it.
So they get the first crack in the ass and they deserve it.
I will second that.
All right. Good.
The next Hall of Fame inductees already they're already in the ass paddling Hall of Fame in the ass paddling Hall.
NFL refs get to be taken out for a few hours and bare ass paddled for the once again horrible officiating.
These blind as a bad influencers are ruining the fucking game.
They're assholes. Go get a sense of pride, you corn fuck imbeciles.
I'm getting tired of seeing your stupid face instead of the people with the real talent, the ones on the field.
I don't want to see you, you fucking asshole.
You are a stupid ass that we have to deal with.
So anyhow, let him play and quit calling stupid fucking penalties.
And I'm not just talking about the Kaderius Tony one, which was complete bullshit because they showed him asking the ref, hey, am I over the line and ref didn't say anything.
So what's he supposed to think?
And he didn't throw the flag until after the play.
But there was a play before that that they gave to Travis Kelsey that they shouldn't have.
It was it was not a catch and they gave it to him.
And so I mean, they're blind. They're fucking horrible.
I mean, each side, each side got stung is just ours was a little bit more crucial than theirs.
Each side got fucked because these guys cannot do their job correctly.
So anyhow, they get ass paddled, they suck during the Hall of Fame, and I think they need to be ass paddled for fucking 30 days in a row.
Fair asked. You got it. All right.
Next one, all the Swifties for running out and getting her image carved with ink on your body.
She is Taylor Swift, the most tattooed star ever.
These people are a bunch of rubes.
You know, at least now they don't have cash for that seven dollar cup of coffee because they're too busy getting Taylor Swift on their ass or on their whatever's.
Well, that makes me want to go out and get a Travis Kelsey tattoo.
Me too. Me too. I'm going to get on my inner thigh.
Where are you going to get it?
I want my butt cheek.
Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah.
OK. All right. OK. I'm going to have Travis Kelsey on my inner thigh and I might get my homes on the other inner thigh.
And then you're going to get Kelsey on the butt cheek. Are you going to get my homes at all? Are you going to?
I might as well.
All right. Where are you going to put my homes?
We'll keep them together.
I think so too. Are you going to put them on the other butt cheek?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's it.
You're awesome, Rob. I salute you for being a real fan.
That's who I am.
There you go.
Next one who gets an ass-paddling is Taylor Swift herself for making the very bigoted comment about the male NFL fans that are tired of seeing her during a broadcast.
Her comment was, I don't care if any Brad, Dad or Chad doesn't want to see me during the game.
Number one, we don't. We don't want to see her.
We want to see the game. So fuck you, asshole.
Dad, Brad or Chad. Don't label us. I'll label you.
Fucking dumbass Starlet that hit it big that has minimal talent.
So anyhow.
Once again, I'd rather watch her boyfriend break another NFL record.
Yes. We don't want to see her up there high-fiving all the entourage.
And Brittany Mahomes and all that. No.
No. And meanwhile, Pro Tyreek Hill is in Miami crying because he's not even the side chick now.
Right.
So anyhow. No, I don't hate Taylor Swift or nothing like that. But I think that that comment, she didn't need to say it like that.
No, she didn't.
It came off very poorly and I expected a little bit more out of her than that. So anyhow.
Yeah, that's a little uppity.
Yeah. Yes, exactly. That's what I'm saying is, you're right. Thank you, Rob. That's the perfect way of putting it. It's like uppity.
We don't need that. So anyhow. The whole fact is, is we want to see the football game. It's nothing against you.
I'll put it like this, Taylor Swift. If you listen, I'm sure she does.
So, okay. Let's say you're watching a movie.
Okay. And the movie has horseback riding. But every time they keep showing some football star that you don't know of or a baseball star,
watching the horseback riding instead of watching the horseback riding, instead of filming that.
It's a very poor example, but I don't know. You know, I had to come up and on a dime.
So look, look, it's nothing against you. It's just we came for football, not Taylor Swift.
So anyhow, we'll move right along.
Yeah, you're in it all over the world.
Exactly. And I know it's not your fault that all these networks take and throw you up there.
But I mean, you know, it still is annoying to people that just want to watch a game.
So are all these referees that are stealing the spotlight. They're annoying too.
So anyhow. All right. Next one. Ashley furniture for all the fires that was allegedly started by faulty recliners.
Okay. Yeah, there are a bunch of them going on.
And I think Ashley furniture is still saying, no, we got nothing to do with it.
But other people are going out and starting them and starting my recliner, burnt the whole house down.
So yeah, I ran across a story about that, but I didn't read that.
And no, I just wanted to give an ass paddling out to him.
So yeah. So at least now they're getting an ass paddling for it.
So if you guys had nothing to do with it, I apologize.
But if you did, then we'll ask paddle you again. How's that? Yeah. All right.
Next one. Amazon fire stick for putting in commercials when I pause a show.
This is complete bullshit.
The other day we're watching a movie and Val had to go get something.
So I paused the show and Val's like, hey, I thought you paused the show, man.
I want to say I go, no, I said they stuck a commercial in the pause.
Isn't that insane? Yeah. That is I think it's fire stick that does that.
I'll know who else could have. I mean, maybe it was Amazon.
I don't know. Whoever done it. Yeah. Amazon is fire stick, actually.
Whoever done it. Yeah. You get an ass paddling because that's complete bullshit.
I mean, you you pause something and then they throw in a commercial.
That's that sucks. Yeah. Yeah, that's that's weird.
Next, ask paddling. Whoever keeps crop dust to me in the break room at work.
I did I did this before I got the email, dude.
You are a vile bastard and need to be paddled bare assed.
And they sent me the email before I could get to these.
So there you go. I was already going to paddle their ass.
Now I think I'm a paddle it more as soon as I find them.
I told you you're going to you're going to get a pillowcase over your head hogtied.
And you're going to be farted upon at least 20.
No more than 20 times, probably for about what, three hours?
I'm going to be a nice guy and get barred all my swaps.
So he gets you to himself.
Rob, you are such a trooper. Thank you. He deserves it.
Yes, he does. I agree. He's just taunting you now.
I know. That's all right.
I will catch said crop duster and I will find you and I will do horrible things to you.
I know you will.
All right. Next one up, Guy Fieri for not leaving his sons a dime when he kills over per his article in the New York Post.
He said he's not leaving his sons anything. He said they're going to have to earn their own.
Couldn't you at least break them off at least 50 grand or something?
Geez, all the money he has, he ain't going to leave them a dime?
I think that's a little too radical.
Make them work until then, make them have a normal life like other people.
But then when you kill over, man, don't just fucking, you know, you can give some to charity or whatever or something like that.
But, you know, the nothing I think is a little extreme.
So Guy Fieri, love you. Love your diners, dive ins and drive ins.
You get an ass paddling. That's the rules, Guy. That's the rules. I don't make them.
Next one, Roger Goodell for barely acknowledging a problem with the horrible officiating on virtually every game.
Agreed? Roger Goodell is an ass bag for not addressing the issue and letting it go on and on and on.
And I'm sick of it. They have to do something about it. And it's ruining the game.
Like right now, you're enjoying great ratings. People love people like Mahomes.
People love Jalen Hurts because he's a good guy. You know, there are a lot of storylines there.
There's, you know, I, you know, it's it's a great sport.
But trust me and Rob, you're saying the same thing.
You're ruining the sport by letting these fucking letting these referees take over the game.
Stop them. Reel them in now. It's already a problem and it's only going to get worse.
What now? And we're not only talking about the KC referees.
We're talking about a lot of different NFL referees. Yes, this isn't.
A lot of games. This isn't. Why? Because.
They're screwing up on. Kansas City have been the recipient of plenty of calls that went their way that shouldn't have.
The one the one that I most noted was the Kelsey one that happened about 20 minutes before this one.
And he did not catch the ball, but they they said that he did.
He was fumbling it all the way to the ground.
And they said, oh, no, it was a catch. And I was like, boy, we got a gift there.
But, boy, that gift was taken away at the end, wasn't it? So no, it's going both ways.
The chiefs are getting slighted or put out or nothing.
Look, it's ruining the game. Both sides are getting screwed with.
And it's bullshit. Let them play the game and don't influence it.
Right. All right. Next one.
And final one, but the most deserving, in my opinion, these fucktards.
Major League Baseball for coming up with a horrible, terrible idea for a draft lottery.
Now the bottom feeder teams can't even get a good draft picked.
You guys, all of you. Players to owners and everyone in between are greedy assholes.
I hope the screwball fucking league goes under soon and a real league can take its spot with actual games that a small market can compete in.
I can't even stand baseball anymore because you guys fucked it up so bad.
You guys suck. You ruined it. And I can't stand you because of that.
And I won't watch your sport ever again. I'm done with it.
I mean, I don't care how good the Royals do. They could be perennial winners for 10 years in a row.
I'm not watching it out of principle. You guys have fucked me over too many times and I'm sick of it.
So anyhow, they should be in Hall of Fame. Hall of Fame bare ass.
So anyhow, all right. Now that rant's complete.
I've got, you know, Volvo, the automotive people.
They have a list of the most hated highways in America.
Oh, cool.
I think I've been on most of them except maybe two.
OK. Volvo's most list of most hated highways.
Dallas, Texas Highway I-345.
Yeah, it's a bastard because those HOV lanes.
The HOV lanes are lanes in the middle.
And whenever there's a in the morning when people are going into Dallas, that lane, it's a barrier.
It scoots over and it gives all the lanes going into Dallas.
It gives them an extra lane.
And then at night when everyone's going home, the barrier is on a track and it scoots over to give them an extra lane going out of the city.
Right. Sounds like a great idea, right?
Yeah. Wrong.
Cars continually fuck up and get caught in it and it causes more problems.
People don't know what they're doing. They don't understand it. They get into wrecks.
So I understand 345 is a complete mess because people are stupid.
So next one, I-70. That's a no brainer.
Yeah. I-70 is horrible.
And the reason it's horrible is because these truck drivers, the truck drivers don't have enough power to get over these hills.
Look, I-70 through Missouri is terrible.
It's one of the earliest interstates ever built.
And it looked to me like from what I read and can gather, there's a lot of corruption going on.
You know, they're supposed to even out all these hills and these curves and everything, but they didn't.
So it's a very primitive highway for being an interstate, a coast to coast interstate like that.
And it's not in good shape.
And these trucks try to get around another truck and then they hit a hill that they're unaware of and it can't do anything.
So these people are just going insane going 50 miles an hour on what they could be going 70 to 75 on.
And the trucks always get into wreck because, you know, they, I don't know, their fucking, their speeders wore off, whatever.
So I-70 is a horrible freeway.
And it's because the dynamics of how bad the freeway is and the curves and the hills and all that.
When, when you have an interstate, an interstate should be flat and mostly straight.
Right? I-70 is a lot more straight in Colorado going through the Rockies than it is in Missouri.
So, uh, it is.
Next one. Now I'm not saying there's not a lot of really long, steep hills there, but they're, but they're a lot more drivable.
So anyhow, next one is Detroit's I-375. 375 or I-75 both suck.
And they're both horrible through Detroit.
And I believe it's I-75 that ends at the Canadian border.
And it's weird because all of a sudden it just stops and then you go to the smaller road just out of nowhere.
And it goes to the bridge and the tunnel going into Canada.
So you're going through this expressway and suddenly you're in a horrible part of Detroit going really slow.
And it's like, what the hell? Next thing you know, you're locking your doors and shit because you're like, wow, I don't know about this.
If you're going to Canada, you know.
So, yeah, I can see I-375 being a nightmare. I-75 is a nightmare.
Next one. Oakland I-980. Yeah. Yeah. I can't agree more with that.
Um, it like does this crazy, stupid loop deal, but it doesn't make sense.
And you know what? I'm just not going to. People that know, know.
And it's not worth explaining because there's a lot of different dynamics in it.
So next one is Pasadena, California Route 710. Never been there. Never been on South 710.
I'm going to take Volvo's word for it that it's horrible.
Rochester, New York, the inner loop. I don't agree with that one at all.
I don't know. I've been there a couple of times.
They seem fine to me. I don't know. Maybe something else. I don't know.
So, San Francisco I-280. Yeah. Yeah.
And that's just because the sheer volume of people.
The actual interstate isn't that bad, Rob. It's actually pretty straight and it makes sense.
And the exits are cool. They're not like throwing you for a loop or nothing.
It's because so many people are going into San Francisco, or at least this is before COVID.
I don't know if it's going on like that now, but I did several jobs in San Francisco.
And if you have to go into San Francisco proper, plan on two hours.
I mean, I'm not kidding you. Oh, yeah. It is a standstill.
Yeah. So I agree with that. Syracuse, New York, I-81.
Again, I didn't think the Syracuse, Rochester area had very many problems, but I don't live there.
I mean, it seemed to me like they worked pretty good when I was there.
And Trenton, New Jersey Route 29. Yeah, that's pretty bad.
But to be like one of the top ones, I don't know.
Then again, I probably wasn't there during rush hour or like a game or something. I don't know.
You know, so maybe it is that bad. What I say is where's I-95?
I-95 is a bullshit road. It goes up and down the coast from Florida to Maine to Canada.
And that road, there's not you can be going through the Carolinas or Bumfuck, Virginia or anywhere.
Georgia, Bumfuck, Georgia. It is always packed. And there's always idiots trying to hit you on that road.
I think I-95 should have been first, in my opinion.
So and then the big one, the big omission that really bothers me is where's Coastal 101 in California?
That thing is a fucking nightmare. That thing is a horrible road and they need to redesign it.
The word is, is I don't know if this is true or not, but from what I read is, was it Goodyear or Michelin or something?
They put them in charge of that road and they configured it to where people are like sitting there burning up tires.
I don't know if that's true or not. I just read that. So if that's wrong, you know, I apologize.
But they supposedly used to have a lot better system and then they changed it and that's what screwed it up.
It was like when I used to work in North Kansas City. They had really good drainage, right?
Then they went and they redid the drainage ditches and it flooded all the time.
But then later on I found out they said that they didn't want the water running into the Missouri River that quick because it hurt species of frogs.
But I found that out later. Yeah. So that's what they said.
They said that water ran through there so quick that it was hurting the frogs.
So we got flooded out like every time it rained when I worked up there.
Anyhow, before we end this broadcast here, we got about five minutes left.
I want to go into our numbers here. My God. Yeah. Yeah. Guys, keep keep on telling people, man, this thing is starting to really hit good.
We appreciate it. I mean, Des Moines, Council Bluffs, Kansas City, all of it. I mean, you guys are really bringing it.
We have a lot of other hot spots, too. We do well in Denver. Let's see. Let me see here.
It's been a while since we, you know, did our top market. So allow me please to go over this a little bit. OK.
Des Moines is our second largest market, just killing it up there.
And I believe the guy that that emailed me and said the reason we do so well is there's lack of entertaining radio up there.
He said there's virtually none. Kansas City, Missouri is our first one, of course, Kansas City. Kansas is our second.
No, our third largest market because Des Moines are second of people listening.
Ashburn, North Carolina. We have a huge amount of listeners there. Thank you guys.
Harrisonville, Missouri. If you took Harrisonville and put it per capita, we have a million listeners in Kansas City.
I cannot believe how many hits we get for Harrisonville. Thank you.
I don't even know if I know anyone left in Harrisonville. I used to know virtually everybody there.
Same way. Same way. I ain't been up around there in years.
DoucheB66 at Yahoo.com. If you know me and you're in Harrisonville and you know me, email me and let me know who you are. OK?
You're the one of us. I know some of you probably still live there.
So I probably used to fucking go the arcade and play in something.
So anyhow, next one. Brussels, Belgium. I cannot believe I'm still just like Florida.
Let's see. Columbus, Ohio. I wonder if that's where was her name?
Ruthann? Or Ruthann or something like that? Yeah, that complains about me ditching Disson on the Bengals.
I wonder if that's where she lives. Is that central Ohio? I think she said central or north central or something like that.
Well, anyhow, it doesn't matter. Just thinking out loud. Denver, we have a pretty good amount of listeners.
Lake Ozark is good. Council Bluffs is still good. Adrian kind of dropped off. Adrian, Missouri. I don't know, man.
Our people there must be on vacation for the last few months because Adrian, Missouri, we haven't got anything from there in a while.
Anyhow, those are our top markets. Doesn't seem like. Oh, St. Louis is starting to come around too.
Yeah, yeah, they are. Yeah, there's no rhyme or reason to why we do so well in some markets and other ones.
No, the only thing I could think of is this. I think someone initiates, hey, listen, two douchebags microphone. That sounds interesting.
So, you know, they. Yeah, yeah, I get a lot of comments about our name. Yeah, people love the name and it's a solid name.
It really is. I mean, and like I said, it's aptly named. Do what? What do you say, Rob? A lot of people are kind of shocked when it comes out of my mouth.
All right. Huh? Yeah. Do you start some microphone? Well, like I said, if I had to describe this show.
I something that's in something that's catchy to douchebags and microphone, it has all different types of things in there.
It could be like that Beck song got two douchebags in a microphone. Where is that? It could be that.
Yeah. Or it could be a couple of dudes that are douchebags and a microphone.
Or it could be about anything. I mean, you know, it what it is, is is something that resonates in your head and you don't forget.
Someone says, hey, that's a name you will. You won't forget it. Yeah.
And someone goes, hey, what are you listening to? Two douchebags, microphone. No, what are you listening?
No, two douchebags, a microphone or podcast. Really? That would make me want to listen if if I if I heard that name.
Oh, you know what? That's probably a bunch of dick and fart jokes. That's what I like. I'm going to go download their shit.
So evidently, dick and fart jokes are still in, even though regular radio thinks it's not.
Right. So anyhow, thank you, everybody. Yes, that's right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Keep telling you. Thank you. Each and everyone. This shit is working. No joke. This is working, man.
Our numbers are going insane. Please keep telling people because it is working. Thank you very much.
Every one of you that listen, write to us. Keep writing. I got about 12 emails I got to get to.
We might get to them tomorrow if I get a chance to print them off. If I get a chance to print them off, I will.
If not, then there'll be next week. But I try to keep up with emails as much as I can. Thank you, everybody.
We appreciate it. Have a great night. Which I am now on two and a half weeks vacation. So me and Mark are going to go to work.
Yes. And we have more bits coming up for you. I have some really good ones.
I got to have Chad, the voice guy, do a couple of bits before we can start doing them because I have to hear them.
You know, I talked to you about some of it this morning. Right. Okay.
Well, there's one in particular that I didn't talk to you about that I'm really developing that I'm really proud of, but it has to be done right.
It's got to have you in there. It's got to have me in there. It's got to have Chad in there and possibly somebody else.
Okay. So anyhow. All right. You know what? All this probably bores everyone else. So anyhow, just hang out with us. Thank you. Have a great night.
Up and coming. Up and coming. More stupid shit. Imagine that from two douchebags and microphone.
Okay. Again. Thank you. Have a great night. Good night, everybody.
Hey, where do they go? Where are the douchebags? Oh my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man, that smells.