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You're still a fucking asshole.
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Do they make ear condoms? I certainly need them for this garbage.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Man, Axel Rose is such a great childhood therapist. I hope he writes more books.
Hi everybody, this is Two Douchebags and Microphone. I am Mark. And I am Rob.
Alright, everybody, thank you. Welcome for joining us. I mean, thank you for joining us. Welcome. Something like that.
I'm going to go into something that I read yesterday and it kind of pissed me off because I'm a big fan of Al Michaels. And NBC confirmed, I think it was yesterday, to the Associated Press that Michaels will not be working the playoffs.
It was first reported by the New York Post that 79-year-old Michaels was the voice of Sunday Night Football from 2006 to 2021, before leaving for Amazon Prime Video's Thursday Night Package when his contract expired.
But he still had in his contract that he was going to do the playoffs, you know, the games that NBC was doing. And NBC, he was like, you know, he was like telling people, no, no, no, no, I'm still doing the playoffs, that's in my contract.
Well, NBC said, no, you're not doing the playoffs. You see, I think it's a complete mistake because Michaels only sounds bored because of the low quality of games on Amazon Prime this year.
I would demand my money. I've always liked Al Michaels. He's one of the better ones. Yes, yes.
Yeah. And it's really irritating that they're going to have Mike Tirico and Chris Collins work when they could have Al Michaels on there. I know. Al Michaels has done it so many years.
Yeah, he's just like a very familiar voice. You know, if I was Amazon, I would demand some money back. You know, there might be a little bit of bad blood between NBC and Michaels.
But, you know, NBC is definitely, you know, hurting the broadcast by not having him on, at least to be a contributor. Right. OK, so maybe you don't want him. You're trying to establish Tirico and Collins worth as the new guys or whatever.
But you could still have them on there as a contributor and he would be fantastic at it, you know. Yeah, but him is number three. Adding to those two and putting him as number three. Yeah.
And I think, yes, yes. But the thing is, is they're not even willing to do that. And that irritates the piss out of me because their broadcast is pretty good. It's good. It's one of the better ones. But they are missing Al Michaels greatly on their broadcast.
So, you know, I think it's a mistake and I don't like NBC doing that to him. And I know why he left NBC had nothing to do personally with them. He didn't like that flex, you know, where they flex a game.
And when, you know, he's thinking he's going to go stay there in California, let's say San Francisco versus let's say the Chargers were good. He thought, OK, well, I'm going to stay here in California.
Then all of a sudden they're like, oh, the Chargers are horrible this year. So we're going to flex you to Baltimore against Cincinnati and Baltimore.
And then the next thing you know, he's going to cross the country. He's 79 years old, you know.
And from what I understand, that was his biggest issue and why he went to Amazon Prime because those games are not flexed.
But it also does not guarantee a good game, which we have been seeing all year. The Amazon Prime games have been horrible.
Nobody cares about him. And Al Michaels is simply bored. If they think that he's no good anymore, they're wrong.
You give him a good game with a little bit of enthusiasm. That guy will be the same guy.
But, you know, you can tell he gets bored with the game. He's like, well, if I'm bored, you know, he's thinking if I'm bored, everyone else is bored.
So I'm going to start making some gambling references because the only people that give a shit about this horrible game are people that gamble.
That's it. Because they're the only ones that have anything riding on that game at all. No one else cares.
They don't care if Carolina beats the Bears. They don't care if the Bears beat Carolina. Nobody gives a shit.
Only the betting people give a shit about a game like that. And Al Michaels knows that.
And that's why he makes these not so thinly veiled, you know, not so disguised gambling references.
He actually comes out with it sometimes on a horrible game. And he'll just be like, well, you know, because of this, you know, this, this isn't, you know, he'll he'll actually mention like, you know, well, this messes that betting lineup or something or, you know, for those of you.
So, anyway.
I haven't got the watching on Thursday night.
Well, he's sounding bored. And I can tell you why he is. Well, I read a lot of different stories about that. A lot of people are saying that. They agree with you. He's bored.
Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you what. He can still bring it. There was one good game earlier in the year and he sounded he was good.
He was like he was into it and it was a good game. I forgot what it is now. But it's like in the first three games.
He sounded great. Oh, the Chiefs started out playing playing Detroit on Thursday night football.
Yeah. Yeah. But that was not Al Michaels. NBC started that one for whatever reason.
So, anyhow, now, since we're talking about the NFL, I'm going to go into this is the new tick tock.
And and all these little gadgets, YouTube, whatever, you know, the youngsters and everybody looks at for conspiracy stuff that.
OK, Sports Illustrated addressed it. Supposedly, the NFL's color scheme is in the colors of the teams that are going to be participating in that year's Super Bowl.
So last year, they said that the that was green and red, red for the Chiefs, green for the Eagles. Before that was Cincinnati Orange and and yellow and blue for the Rams.
It says this year that we'll hear all go into the article. OK, you see what I mean by what they're saying is, yeah, yeah, I think it's a conspiracy controversy going on right now.
And people say then it felt scripted. I've heard this for a while and I think some have a have a good argument for being influenced.
I don't know about outright scripted, but it's definitely influenced as we could see.
And look, especially with the referee in this year, it's not just the Chiefs game. It's a lot of it's a lot of games.
The Chiefs game was a prime example of it.
Before that, there was another I forget what game it was. But that those referees were being watched the next week by the league.
Yeah, they're they're horrible. They're horrible and they're not getting any better.
So OK, so here is the article that explains what they're saying.
This is Sports Illustrated from Sports Illustrated online. They actually addressed this because that's how popular that this conspiracy theory is getting.
OK, there's no question that this is going to be one of the dumbest things you read today.
But it's twenty twenty three and 90 percent of what you see in your tick tock, Instagram and Facebook videos are conspiracy theories about flat earth and how creators of the Simpsons have been to the future.
That's a good one. Have you seen that one?
They predicted Donald Trump being president. There's a whole bunch of stuff.
It's pretty interesting because they hit a lot of this stuff dead on.
Yeah, that's just do get a lot. Yeah, but you can watch it.
Theocracy and see the same thing going on.
So but anyhow, so why not add to the dumpster fire by looking into the Super Bowl logo conspiracy theory?
Credit to something called NFL memes. I think we've all seen NFL memes, right?
They're everywhere and they're funny little things, you know.
So anyhow, on Twitter for sparking this controversy with a post Tuesday night that has garnered millions of views in less time than it took.
Josh Dobbs to make people forget about Kurt Cousins.
Well, they're not forgetting about him now because Josh, Josh Dobbs started sucking.
Now they wish they had Kurt Cousins back, but he can't because he's got a torn ACL.
The post, the post shows the last two Super Bowl logos and suggests that the color scheme reveals the two teams that will compete in the Super Bowl in 2021.
The reddish orange of the Bengals and the yellow hue from the Rams was the logo.
And behind there were two clubs that played the Super Bowl last year.
It was the Eagles and the Chiefs was the logo of last year.
And those two color schemes, Super Bowl 57 color logos this year, the logo features purple and a shade of red.
Purple, you say? Well, that could be Minnesota, but probably not.
It would probably be the Baltimore Ravens. They were.
Yeah. And red is worn by the Chiefs, Buccaneers and Cardinals and 49ers.
So people reading into that said it's going to be the 49ers against the Ravens.
And that was Super Bowl 47, maybe or something like that.
That was a Ravens against the 49ers.
And that was Colin Kaepernick won against Joey Flacco and Joey Flacco and Jim Harbaugh against John Harbaugh.
And the other was the Story Logs. Kaepernick had all the controversy about kneeling and all that stuff.
And John Harbaugh and Joe Flacco won over. They won the Super Bowl.
So this would be a rematch of 47 or 46 or 45, something like that. I'd have to look.
Yeah, yeah, somewhere in there.
So if the conspiracy is real and NFL is scripted or whatever creates the logo that knows, you know,
the
The
Super Bowl, according to the color schemes now.
OK. OK, I have a question. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Can you think of any NFC team that has purple?
That's what I was going to say. The Vikings, for one.
I don't see them doing it.
No, I don't either. They're not going to do it, especially with Josh Dobbs.
Yeah. No, it would. OK.
So it would pretty much have to be.
It would have to be the Ravens.
It would beat out Kansas City. So Kansas City would even be on that list.
Well, OK, the Ravens are the number one seed and will probably remain there.
The schedule. They don't have an easy schedule, though.
They have a hard schedule, just like the Dolphins are probably they might.
The Dolphins might get out by beat out by the Bills because the Dolphins are playing the Ravens.
They're playing the Bills.
They're playing the Cowboys and they're playing someone else really good.
The Dolphins schedule is brutal, is brutal.
And and the Bills just got gifted this win in Kansas City last weekend.
So now suddenly the Bills are starting to get the hot hand and the Bills could overtake the Dolphins.
And the Dolphins could be a wild card.
So it's going to be interesting.
All I got to say is Tyreek, you better put on your big boy panties.
Well, the other day he hurt his ankle and that's another wild card in it.
Oh, that's right. He did, didn't he?
Yes. Yep. He went hobbling pretty bad.
He wasn't much of a factor in that game.
He was on a couple of passes, but he really hurt his ankle and he's not, you know,
that ankle injury may prevent him from getting the all time yards leader for one year or two.
So we'll see. We'll see this week.
And the refs screwed Travis Kelsey out of the record books too with that with that pass lateral.
And it's just disgusting what they do.
Yeah, I've been wanting to do a report about that.
I'm not going to.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
The Chiefs could have played better.
The Chiefs deserve that loss.
Yes, they could have.
They deserve that loss.
They should not have been in that position to begin with.
Exactly. They should have not been in that position.
So it's not an excuse for the Chiefs.
What it is though is, is they screwed Kelsey out of something for the record books.
And that pisses me off.
No, Tooney did.
Well, okay. That right there is a nitpicking foul.
Yeah, see that's where it's all over the place.
You see, most of the times they say, hey, your foot's on the line, take it off.
Or they don't call it at all.
So that is a discretionary one.
And why would you wait on discretionary until after the play was made and then you throw the flag?
If you were that convinced of it, you would have threw the flag right then.
And I would report she did it like four or five times during the whole game.
So why after that play was completed?
That was a lot better.
Yes, yes.
Look, it was influenced. That game was influenced.
That game was influenced.
And they cannot tell me anybody with a fucking brain at all can see this right now.
And it pisses me off that these fucking idiots are allowed to influence a game that I love so much.
And I'll tell you what, when the Chiefs start sucking again and my Holmes is gone,
they won't get me as a fan because I won't give a shit about football because of the way they're doing things.
Football, get your head out of your ass. You don't want to be baseball.
And you know what I say? Fuck baseball. I'll never go back to baseball.
Because now they did this new lottery system.
They're fucking teams like Kansas City even more.
So baseball and all you greedy motherfuckers, fuck you.
Because I'll never come back to you guys. I hate you motherfuckers.
You ruined the games. This is the players and the owners.
All of you guys ruined the fucking game.
So eat a big fucking bowl of ass because I'm never coming back to you guys.
In baseball, it's all about who has the money.
Each team has a different cap because that's all you can afford.
And here's another thing too.
Baseball is not catching on with the kids.
Soccer is catching on with the kids.
Rugby is catching on with the kids.
Football is caught on with the kids.
It has been for quite a while.
Nobody, basketball is big with the kids.
Nobody gives a shit about baseball.
Nobody, you're a dying sport.
And I can't wait for it to go away, honestly.
Not the best little league.
You know?
No, here's what I want to happen.
And they're also in the ass paddling this week.
But they've been on it before.
It's Major League Baseball. Okay?
But what I want to happen is this league to go bankrupt.
That way, a league that's smarter than them can come up and do things right.
Like the NFL is done with their salary cap.
But the NFL is screwing themselves over with their own brand of bullshit too.
But anyhow, let's go ahead and move on with that.
And I have another story here that I wanted to report yesterday.
But we're running out of time.
There's so many stories I throw away every week.
It's driving me nuts.
They're like time sensitive.
And by the time it comes around, it's like, this is old news.
I can't even, you know.
And you do the same thing.
We talked about it off air.
Oh yeah, yeah, all the time.
I have a whole notebook full.
And I've only told maybe a third of it.
Yeah, the same here.
I've got like all these stories I'm pitching every week.
But you know what?
At least, you know what?
It's a quality show because we're doing the best that, you know,
we're doing the best stuff that we're picking out and hitting at.
And then maybe the other stuff isn't quite as good.
So I think it makes a stronger show, right?
Well, also it helps doing as much homework as I do.
Because honestly, there's a lot of times you bring up the stories that I have.
I know. You've told me that several times.
I have so many backed up.
Okay, well let's do this, you know.
Yeah, no, your stories are awesome.
Can I play poker, brother?
It really is, I know.
And I realize I steal your thunder.
As a matter of fact, the NFL, the Super Bowl logo is straight from Topher's desk.
Topher and I had coffee today.
And he's the one that brought this to my attention.
And I did some research.
Thank you, Topher.
Yep, thank you, Topher.
Oh, and also Topher, thank you for loaning me your Fender amp.
I got to tune my new guitar.
It sounds great.
Oh, good.
Yeah, yep.
Oh, and Merry Christmas, Topher.
Yep, Merry Christmas.
Maybe one of these days I'll smash some power cords on our broadcast.
We'll see.
So, anyhow, I have this story here.
Millennials have recently been blasted for spending $7 a day on a cup of coffee,
meanwhile complaining about lack of money.
The group says that the emotional support that the coffee brings
and the joy that it has in it is worth every penny.
One lady stated, and this would be a millennial,
well, it's not a trip to Greece, but the emotional effects are the same.
The odd thing is, I agree with them.
You know, some people go to the therapist.
Some people take meds.
Some people, it's even alcohol or tobacco.
I get it.
I, too, enjoy my coffee immensely and would not want to do without it.
I brew my own coffee mostly,
but when I need a little pick-me-up before work,
I will definitely go to the coffee house up the road.
And I talked about it, what, a couple of podcasts ago?
It's my guilty pleasure, a flavored iced coffee with extra espresso shots,
and I pay seven bucks for a coffee, and I feel good.
I mean, that coffee gives me that little pick-up I need for work,
makes me feel good.
I have my purchase.
Everybody has their purchase.
I agree with the millennials.
You want to spend $7 a day on a cup of coffee, that's fine.
You could take that $7 a day and buy a trip somewhere,
but you choose to have pleasure every day instead of that one day
that you're waiting for or whatever, that one week or whatever.
I get it.
And besides that...
Just don't be that person to come bum that money from me.
Yeah, exactly.
You're earning your own money.
You have a right to buy your coffee all you want.
And I think people giving a Greek about this is wrong,
because that's your money.
You do what you want to with it.
So anyhow, I just wanted...
That's what I'm teaching my son right now.
Yeah, yep.
Well, that's the way it should be.
So let's take our first break.
We're getting on the 20-minute mark.
That should be when our first break is,
and we'll be right back with some more stories.
Sound good, Rob?
Sounds good.
All right, we'll talk to you in a minute.
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Next up, things overheard in hell.
The brand new Kale Cola started selling nationwide yesterday.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
So let me see.
Let's say I was offended by people being offended.
Then would people being offended all the time would have to not be offended around me
because I was offended by them being offended?
Hm.
I may never know.
Music.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Alright.
Did you want to go into something, Rob?
You got anything or you want me to just keep rolling?
Well, no.
Actually, I do have a little something I want to get into.
Alright, Rob.
The floor is yours.
Please do it.
I want to give you a personal thank you.
Okay.
You got to...
Well, okay.
We talked about this before we went on.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I know what it's about.
Go ahead.
You got to tell me about Bubbly Love Sponge.
Yeah, it's still a good show.
I mean, he's been around a long, long time.
Yeah, yeah.
It's an awesome show.
I'm enjoying it.
I'm learning.
I'm listening.
And hopefully I can pull some of that into our show.
Well, I tell you, he is the consummate professional when it comes to radio.
You know, morning shows specifically.
He's smooth.
Yes, he is.
He transitions great.
He sounds great.
The thing is...
Even getting up there in his years, he still sounds good.
Yeah, he does.
And another thing is this right here.
He's had so many facets of the show, so many people have came and left and all that, and
his naughtier years and his calmer years and his years that were turmoil with all the stuff
that happened around him or stuff that he directly did that hurt himself, that he admits
that it hurt himself, all the scandals and everything, and he's still rolling.
Only now he is listener financed almost exclusively.
He has terrestrial affiliates.
He has like five or six.
But he has people send him money for the show through various platforms, YouTube, Brumble.
It was Twitch, but Twitch got so stupid on the rules that he couldn't really do a show
anymore.
You know, anytime he did something...
Yeah, I heard him talk about that.
I heard him yesterday or the day before.
But he is almost exclusively listener financed, and he has rabid fans that have been with him
for like 40 years.
I've been with him like over 20 years, and I'm not going anywhere.
I support him whenever I can, going to his YouTube channels.
I throw him some money here and there whenever I can.
I mean, you know, I support him as much as I can.
But the thing is, is he is like the template of where this art is going.
This art is going to where it's listener financed.
And not subscription based, like they were trying to do that, like Anthony Kumia of OPI
and Anthony took and had this subscription based show, and it flopped.
And then I think OPI from that show tried to do it.
Other people tried to do it, and it doesn't work.
The only person to ever pull that off was Rush Limbaugh.
And that was just replays of his terrestrial show.
People paid to have that, to have his archives.
Because he was Rush Limbaugh.
Exactly.
I don't even think Stern could pull that off, honestly.
Yeah, no.
So anyhow, or back in the day, Stern might have been able to, not now.
Actually, I heard Bubba talking the other day about how Stern lost possession of a lot of his archives.
Yes, yes he did.
Because he didn't own them, CBS owned them.
Yeah, yeah.
And satellite radio had to buy a lot of those back, but they couldn't get all of them.
All of them could not be retrieved.
Yeah, yeah, Bubba was talking about that.
A couple days ago, right?
His show has been federally trademarked.
He owns all his stuff, including other characters that they still use on other shows.
And I don't know why he lets them get away with that.
He could probably stop it right now, but he probably just simply doesn't care.
So anyhow, but yeah, he's almost strictly financed by the listeners.
So anyhow, yeah, it's a great show.
I'm glad that you listened to me and it turned you on to it.
But you have somewhere that you're going with this, so go ahead and do it, Rob.
Well, you told me about TuneIn, which is an app.
It's the most convenient way to listen to anything.
Spotify, I Heart, everything.
I downloaded it.
I took the 30-day free trial.
And after 30 days, I think it's what, $6.99, something like that.
I get mine for free.
Oh, really?
Well, I did the free trial and I had to put in my debit information and everything.
Okay, well, you know what?
It's worth $6.99, though, because you get the ad free.
I don't get the ad free.
Well, that's why I was getting ready.
It's definitely worth it to me.
Yeah, that's cool.
Because there's a radio station out of Columbia, Missouri.
Which I am familiar with.
Yeah, and come to find out, me and I was talking to Mark about this before we went on.
He knows about all this.
He knows about the station.
I worked in Columbia for like three weeks at my old job doing the library of University of Missouri library.
And every morning, me and the guy I worked with, Brian, would listen to that show before we went in.
We'd get to the job site about 40 minutes ahead of time.
And we'd just sit in there and listen to the radio show and wait to go in when the place opened up at 8 o'clock.
And we're like, man, this show is pretty damn good.
We enjoyed it.
But go ahead, Rob, take over from there.
Talk about it.
Well, I looked for it on iHeart and I couldn't find it.
You know why?
It's a competing media company.
Well, I haven't been able to get on since I was on TuneIn anyway.
Ah, let's give it a shot.
It pulled it up.
So I am now listening to 96.7 KCMQ out of Columbia, Missouri.
Yep.
While I'm at work, anywhere I go.
And this morning show I have always loved.
It's called The Morning Shags.
Mm hmm.
S-H-A-G-S.
And the guy sounds like a younger guy, too.
He gets it.
Yeah, him and Trevor, they're in their, I would say, late 30s, early 40s.
Trevor is his co-host.
Mm hmm.
And honestly, it's a damn good radio station, too, man.
They're actually pretty funny.
Yeah, they are.
They don't have a lot of bits.
I know they don't have the bits like we have and stuff or like Bubba has and stuff like that.
But it is very entertaining and funny, them just being themselves.
They pull it out in personality.
Yeah, yeah.
And we love the show because we have our choice of the work truck.
I've listened to them for a long time, but then, you know.
In the work van, we could listen to satellite or TuneIn or anything.
And at first, we was listening to all the above, satellite and TuneIn and everything.
And then one morning, my phone was being charged in the work van.
And I couldn't have it on.
I needed to charge as much as I could before I went into work, right?
And he just turns on that station.
We're like, shit, this is pretty good.
So the next morning, we started listening to it, and then we just started listening to it after that.
So anyhow, yeah, that's a great show.
And for those, just so everybody knows, 96.7 KSTMQ, it's a classic rock station.
But they play everything.
You do not hear repeat in a day.
No.
Just today, I went from listening to Turn the Page by Bob Seeger, the original, the slower one.
Uh-huh.
To For Whom the Bell Tolls.
They...
I mean, that's how much of a variation they have in music.
And I love them.
Yeah, they're pretty good.
I like them better than 101 The Fox, honestly.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Their variation in music is just...
Something interesting at The Fox, though.
Okay?
You know, Slacker had leukemia.
Okay?
Yes, yeah.
How's he doing?
I haven't worked with him.
He's back on the air, but they put him to afternoons, and they kept Sparks on in the morning, who was filling in for him.
He used to be on the afternoon show.
Okay, well, I could listen to him then.
I could listen to him when I heard.
Yeah, you could.
So anyhow, Slacker, they put him on in the afternoons and didn't put him on in the morning.
I don't know if that has something to do with his treatments or something, maybe, but I thought that was interesting that they did it like that.
That could be.
Yeah.
Well, it's good to see he's back.
Yeah, it is. It's very good. I'm glad he's back. He's a good guy, you know.
Okay, hey, let's go ahead and go into the story here, Rob.
Members of an International Space Station crew said astronaut Frank Rubio has now been cleared of allegations
he ate the one of the first tomatoes harvested in space.
Everybody thought he'd done it.
They harvested tomato.
Yeah.
NASA astronaut Jasmine Mongbaeyi said during a live streamed event celebrating the 25th anniversary of the station,
and the remains of the tiny tomato that had been found eight months after being misplaced by Rubio.
Our good friend, Frank Rubio, who headed home already, has been blamed for quite a while for eating the tomato,
but we can exonerate him. We found the tomato, Mongbaeyi said.
Rubio, who returned to Earth in September, had been the target of joking accusations for a month that he had eaten the space-grown fruit.
I spent so many hours looking for that thing, Rubio said, during a September ISS live stream.
I'm sure the decimated tomato will show up at some point and vindicate me years in the future.
And it did. The astronauts did not reveal where the tomato was found or what its condition was,
but Rubio had earlier predicted it would be in a state of advanced decay due to the humidity aboard the station,
and he was right. And now everybody knows that Rubio did not eat the space fruit.
So there you go. Isn't that awesome?
And you heard it first on two douchebags and a microphone.
Rubio did not eat the space tomato.
You have not read that anywhere else.
I did some digging on that one.
Oh wow, you did some digging on that one, buddy.
That was awesome though, man. When I saw that, I'm like, that's our story right there.
Another little story I want to get to here. In-N-Out Burger is expanding into yet another state.
The Southern California-based fast food chain, which recently celebrated its 75th anniversary,
announced on social media Tuesday that it plans to open multiple locations in New Mexico by 2027.
We're excited to share that we will be fully in the four corners.
In-N-Out's president and owner, Lindsay Snyder, said on Instagram and Facebook,
we can't wait to have Smiling Associates serving customer quality burgers, fries and shakes in such a unique, beautiful state.
So that's cool.
And then I got another little story I want to get to here, Rob.
And then if you've got something you want to go into, you're more than welcome to.
Life at Sea Cruises, a three-year cruise scheduled to set sail this month, has officially been canceled.
Passengers who signed up for the headline-making voyage, which was originally due to depart from Istanbul, Turkey,
on November 1st and visit seven continents, 135 countries and 375 ports,
received news of its cancellation on November 17th, CNN reported.
According to the outlet, the cruise was postponed to November 11th
and relocated from Istanbul to Amsterdam shortly after its original November 1st departure date.
It was then pushed back again, this time to November 30th.
Finally, less than two weeks before its third and final departure date, the voyage was canceled altogether.
Life at Sea did not immediately respond to people's requests for comment.
On November 17th, Life at Sea revealed, and this is Royal Caribbean that sponsored this,
Life at Sea revealed to passengers that the inaugural cruise was canceled and that it had no ship, CNN reported.
They couldn't find a ship to do this.
That's a bad thing.
Yeah it is.
Don't you have to have one of them?
Yeah, you have to have a ship to have a cruise, that's for sure.
How are they going to do them all on rowboats?
I don't know what their plan was, but it wasn't very well thought out of, was it?
The company also vowed to refund those who signed up for the cruise, whose cost ranged from $29,999 a year
for a standard interior cabin all the way up to $109,000 per year for a luxurious suite with a large balcony.
Holy shit!
Yeah, well...
Is there $9,000 a year?
Rob, okay, anyone that can go on a three-year cruise is independently wealthy, right?
Wow!
Right?
$109,000 probably means nothing to most of the people that would have been on that ship.
The only way I could go on a three-year cruise is if I had a wealthy family member pass away.
And I don't know of any.
Well, I had one that he was an oil tycoon in Oklahoma, but unfortunately all these years I didn't know we were even related.
So, I've come to find out we were. I'm like, now I'm kicking my ass.
Damn it!
I could have been in the oil business.
You could have been on a three-year cruise right now, Rob.
Oh no, wait, wait, wait, no minnow is canceled. Forget it.
I don't even think I could do a three-year cruise. I think I would get bored with that.
Oh no, yeah, that would be too much.
Yeah, I would have to have all the equipment on there to do two douchebags and a microphone.
Oh yeah, definitely.
Which I am going to try to do, by the way, on this cruise coming up early February.
I've got all the equipment to do a remote. I'm going to try to do it.
Yeah, I won't have to schedule around your Wi-Fi and everything.
Okay, I have constant Wi-Fi on the ship. And it's fine, it's good.
Oh, on the ship, okay.
Yeah, it's not a big deal. I can hook onto the Wi-Fi and be fine. I can make a phone call through Wi-Fi. I did it. I called in with Topher.
Yeah, like you did with Topher that one time.
Yeah, so I've got to figure out a little bit more logistics, but I do think I can do it.
That will be interesting, actually, the actual podcast coming from the ship.
And I can post it, like, actually, probably a half hour after we record it.
And you can send me pictures on Facebook.
Exactly.
I want to say, everybody, I need feedback about the Facebook.
I am not, the only people I'm seeing on it are people on my friends list.
Oh, okay, okay. Here's something else I got to. Jeff.
I need my son's time to sit down and help me go through it and make sure everybody can reach it.
Yeah, because he'll have to come to the jam.
I just want to know if anybody, and Mark, you're on my friends list, so you can help me.
No, I know, I know.
So I need our listeners. If you've checked out our Facebook page, Two Deuce Bags on My Phone, let me know what you're seeing, please.
Absolutely.
So I can correct it.
I got a third email from Jeff from All Star Powder Coating in Springdale,
Springdale, maybe Arkansas or something like that.
I'll have to look, but I forgot.
He sent me like three emails, and he wants to give Jeff from All Star Powder Coating one of the first smack in the balls.
And since you and I have 30, he wants us to administer one of them to Jeff from All Star Powder Coating.
And you want us to do this?
I forgot the guy's name. He works in the same place, and he wanted to nominate his buddy Jeff.
And I think it's Springdale, Arkansas. I'll have to look and find out.
I thought it was Springdale.
Well, when you're bringing up, let's read it, spike in your head so you get my load.
Okay. Anyhow, I think it's Jeff.
I just don't want two guys that know each other.
Yeah, so.
I could do that with somebody I work with, you know.
Yeah, I mean, if we can like give out ones, I mean, that's fine.
I mean, you know, I mean.
Yeah, yeah. I want to read it, but you got to say about it.
As of right now, we have 33 smack in the balls.
And I mean, we do need to start giving them out.
I want to make sure it's worthy.
Yes, yes, I do too. So anyhow, I'll get the email, and we'll go over.
Yeah, that'll be on the next email reading.
So and this is like the third one he sent me.
So I'm like, all right, I'll have to acknowledge the guy and let him know,
hey, we're working on smacking your buddy in the balls.
We're working on it. Okay.
But like everything, there has to be a system.
We have to do it right.
We can't just like willy nilly smack him in the balls for the fuck of it.
We got to make sure he's deserving.
We got to make sure you are you.
We got to make sure he is him.
And then we will administer the smack in the balls.
Right.
All right. Rob, do you want to take a break and then come back with something you want to talk about?
Yeah, let's do that.
All right. We'll be right back.
Two douchebags and a microphone says,
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We are our own podcast.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You're as useful as a pilot with a fist.
Hey, look, I think we found land.
Oh my God, I think we're safe.
Oh, no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
What did the coach say to the vending machine?
Give me my quarterback.
Hello, this is Satan.
You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two douchebags and a microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.
Enjoy.
Two douchebags and a microphone, raw and uncensored.
See behind the smoke show.
Watch as the douchebags get stung by a stalk of bees.
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Act now and get both high quality DVD sets and a free douchebag calendar.
Mark off today with a douchebag looking at you.
Supplies are limited, so act now.
Alright, this is two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Rob, you have something you want to get into?
Yeah, I got a story of the music world for you.
Alright, sounds good.
You remember the band The Kinks?
Oh yes I do.
Alright, alright. I'm sure quite a few of our families do too.
Yeah, let's face it.
People that know classic rock also know The Kinks because they were in there, they were just more punk, but they were in the classic rock realm. So yes.
And in the 80s, 90s, yeah in the 80s they definitely hit the top 40.
That would come dancing or something like that. Anyhow, yeah.
The Kinks split in 1997 after more than three decades together due to tensions among the bandmates.
The group consisting of Ray Davies, Dave Davies, yes they were brothers, Pete Clough, Pete Clough and Mick Avery
came together in the early 1960s and were easily one of the most influential bands of their time.
Thankfully they are set to bury the 20 year rift and mark the reunion with a new Kinks album.
That is cool.
The trouble is the two remaining members, my brother and Mick, which never got along very well, the band's front man Ray recently revealed.
But I've made that work in the studio and it's fired me up to make them play harder with fire.
Cool.
So be watching for a new Kinks album.
I will be. I'm a fan of theirs. I'm a fan of theirs.
Yeah, I am too.
Yeah, I'm interested to hear what their music is going to sound like.
Yeah, this many years later. Yeah, it's going to be good. It's going to be good.
Well, I believe that Ray Davies was accredited to figuring out distortion with the distortion pedals and all that.
I'm not for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was Ray Davies. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, very cool.
He was part of that.
I'm definitely going to check out the album and hopefully they tour because I would like to see them.
If there's someone on my list, I would love to see.
You know, there's a lot of really neat little new gifts for the 2023 Christmas season, right?
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, I have...
That happens every Christmas season.
Yeah, well, I have some of them that the most interesting ones I have. I'll put it like that.
And this is the new Christmas gifts that are, you know, that people want.
You know, what the flavor of the year is or whatever, the new neat little gadgetry and all that.
This is them of the 2023 season. Okay.
One of the first ones is an ugly Christmas sweater with a knitted pouch on the front of it for a wine bottle storage.
It's really cool.
It's the ugliest sweater you've ever seen with a knitted pouch in the shape of a wine bottle.
And they showed the guy, you know, he put it in the wine bottle in there.
You simply walk around with it and you got your wine bottle and you got your ugly sweater for the Christmas party.
You're all set to go.
That's more of a gag gift, but it's still, it's cool.
Next one. Spicy lip balms influenced by Indian food.
So it has a lot of curry taste, I guess. That's not for me.
Sign me up for some.
You like that? Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that is one of the new trendy gifts that's going around this year is that.
Another one that they did is a sexy plus size Christmas elf costume.
I guess before they were all like little small things.
Well, this year they want to include the healthier ladies and they look really cool.
They're really cool.
Elf outfits that really look good on bigger women.
Hey, hey, I do not have a problem with that.
I don't have a problem with that either.
I mean, we all love Rosie, right? A whole lot of Rosie. She's great.
Right. Yep. Yep. That's right.
So Rosie, not O'Donnell.
Girls make the rockin world go around.
That's right. Yes. And Freddie Mercury, a gay guy sang about that.
So you know what? I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's got to be true.
It's got to be true. Yeah.
If he was a gay man compelled to sing about fat bottom girls,
then I'm going to say that that bottom girls are the shit, right?
It piqued my interest and that's why. Yeah.
Yeah. Yep. Piqued with a Q. Piqued.
I always do that now because you know that they spell it differently with a Q.
And I always do that to be a dick. That's piqued with a Q, guys. Anyhow.
All right. I guess that's just me.
That's just me that gives a fuck about that, I guess. OK.
A blue reindeer Tusi.
This is a blue reindeer that is two pajamas in a one piece sewn into one.
So it's two pajamas, two legs, two arms, two holes for your head.
And the inside arms are inside.
Your two inside arms are inside the Tusi.
But your outside arms, your arm on the outside of you,
you know, one to the left, one to the right, depending on who's on what side,
is the only arms exposed and you have two legs.
It's pretty interesting looking.
And that is more of a gimmick.
Like, you know, someone's like, hey, man, these two are in love.
Let's get him a two piece, one piece deal.
And it's a blue reindeer and it's cool.
It has little antlers on it and all that shit.
Each one of them has a little hoodie with antlers on it that you wear.
So next one, I love this one, Rob.
We could use one of these.
A beer holder toilet paper dispenser.
Why had I thought about that?
Why would you use the bathroom counter?
I know, but this thing is cool.
Look it up when you get a chance, Rob.
It is a stainless steel, beautiful toilet paper holder dispenser
with a built in can holder on the top out of stainless steel.
You can shine it up really good with some All Shine or Sheen or whatever.
You can like make it look beautiful and brand new and all, you know,
all pretty in the light and everything.
And you put your beer can right in the middle of that.
And then you got your shit paper.
Don't get better, Rob. Don't get better.
No, man, that'd be awesome.
Yeah, look it up when you get a chance.
I mean, it is cool. It's really cool, Rob.
Next one, not so much for me, but I could see some people could really like this.
Smoked trout brandy.
Not for me.
OK, OK, OK.
Now in the right circumstances, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, well, I...
You're camping out next to the river.
And you know, you've been out fishing.
Oh, that'd be awesome.
A smoked trout brandy to finish in the evening.
You know what? I think I could even stand seafood just for that.
That actually, Rob, that makes a lot of fucking sense what you just said.
Yeah. Well, I grew up trout fishing.
Oh, that's right. Yep.
Down at Taney Como.
As you know, after a day of trout fishing, you sit back after you done ate that fresh caught trout.
Sittin' in a little trout brandy. Oh, that'd be awesome.
OK, Rob, I can't argue with that. That does sound good.
Being on the Niagara River, you ever been there trout fishing?
No, no, this is down Taney Como.
I know Taney Como. Yeah, that's the actual Taney Como Lake near Branson Old Downtown that comes...
And it comes around... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Before they built all the new stuff down.
Yeah, yeah, and then Table Rock is actually kind of an extension of Taney Como,
where the White River comes in from Arkansas.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or is that Arkansas? No, actually it's Oklahoma. Comes in from Oklahoma, I believe.
But anyhow, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I think it is Oklahoma.
It is Oklahoma, yeah. So anyhow, yeah, all that, even Bull Shoals is kind of the same.
It's all the same. It's kind of like Truman Lake and Lake of those arcs.
It's the same body of water. It's just different arms with different rivers that tribute to it.
But the thing is, the further south you go, the clearer the water is.
Yeah, Taney Como is a beautiful, clear lake. It is.
There's a spot down... You know Kimberling City.
Yeah, I love Kimberling City. I used to stay there.
Is that the Kimberling City Bridge? Yes.
You go down to... That's Table Rock there.
That's the bridge. That's not Taney Como, right?
And there's that little parking area down below.
There's a beach there, too. Yes.
You could see eight foot deep... Yes.
...anywhere in that lake.
People specifically go to that on the Lake of Fish.
You're lucky to see six inches.
Yeah, no, this is mud up here. It's all mud up here.
That part of Table Rock Lake is immaculate. It is beautiful.
So, yeah, I do know what you're talking about because I used to stay at those condos right there to the north.
That might be where I retired to. I might go back down there and retire.
So that's the 13 Highway Bridge, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Going from Green Spring down to...
Yeah, if you're going down... If you're going south towards Arkansas.
I stayed there at Table Rock Inn.
Like you're going to Lampe.
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, like you're going to Lampe.
Yeah, we talked about the amphitheater.
I love amphitheater, yep.
Now it's Black Oak Amphitheater and it's finally back open. It was closed for a couple of years.
Yeah, see, when I lived down there back in late 2001, 2002...
Mm-hmm.
No, it was 2002 going into...
Was it still Swiss Villa or was it Black Oak?
No, it was Black Oak, but it was shut down.
Yeah, it's been on and off for years now.
But I've kept up with it because I'd love to go see a show there.
It is a great place.
We drove around down in there. Yeah, I'd love to go see a show.
That's where I told my famous story, Black Oak Amphitheater. It was Swiss Villa at the time.
I saw Ozzie and Alice in Chains.
And they have the one section there that seats that you pay for a little bit more for your seat and you have your own seat assigned to you.
Well, up above there's a 50-foot rock cliff there. They changed that. They don't have that anymore.
But back then they did the 50-foot rock cliff and then that was lawn up there, but it was way up there.
And I told you the first fucking... And look, I say this endearingly. You can call me whatever.
I don't care what you call me, Hick, or what. I don't care.
Okay, this first hill jack come running off, jumping off that motherfucker, and he jumped on the seats and ran off into the crowd.
The second one made it too. And then like the third one like fucking broke his hip or something.
Then the fourth one like broke his leg almost in half.
Another one was rolling on the ground screaming. And then another guy jumped off and he fucking made it into the crowd.
It was insane. I could hardly watch Alice in Chains play because those guys were so insane jumping from the lawn to the seats.
And like half of them didn't make it. Half of them broke something and was in an ambulance.
I can explain that, Bart.
Okay, please do.
From living down there.
Okay.
I can explain that.
Please do.
Think about the acts you get around Branson.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
How many times do you hear about Alice in Chains playing live in Branson?
Never.
Well, in Aussie, too.
It's retired acts.
Yes. Well, I did see Skinnerd down there. I saw Skinnerd at Black Oak.
And you do have a younger crowd.
The younger crowd was going nuts. And this was probably early 2000s.
You've got to watch out for them.
No, no, no. This was actually, let's see, that was part of the No More Tours, the first one.
It was probably like 95, maybe 96. This was a long time ago when this happened.
And the theater looks completely different now. The stage is on the other side and to the left a little bit.
The way of living is still the same down there.
Yeah, you're right. But it was interesting to see these people. I mean, half of them made it, if not more.
Then the other ones like hit wrong and fucking almost broke their leg off.
One guy looked like he wasn't going to be walking for a long time. I mean, you know, so.
Anyhow, it was very cool. Aussie came up in a houseboat back behind the stage.
We could see him and we're all like flipping off and screaming at him.
That had been awesome.
Yeah, Sherrod and the kids. Sherrod and the kids went one way. Aussie went back behind the stage.
Zach was with him. He went back behind the stage to get ready. It was pretty cool.
That had been awesome.
It was a great show. So anyhow. All right, the next one. Kahula Expresso Martini Fragrance in a Bottle.
It smells like Kahula Expresso Martinis.
Kahula?
Kahula Expresso Martinis.
OK, yeah, I like that. Oh yeah, I love Kahula.
Kahula is a big thing up here now. Kahula Expresso Martinis.
I've always loved Kahula.
Kahula is great.
I love putting a little Kahula in my coffee.
Oh my God, that is so good.
You look outside and you see like seven inches of snow and it's about eight degrees outside.
And you don't have to go anywhere. You don't have to go to work.
Let's say it's like a Sunday morning or something.
You go break out the Kahula, Kahula and the coffee.
You got the rest of the day planned.
Oh no, on snowy mornings it's Bloody Marys.
Oh, I'm not a Bloody Mary guy, so it's Kahula for me.
But either one will work. Bloody Marys, understand?
Yeah, I'll go either one. Yeah.
OK.
The next one, a baby carriage slash golf caddy.
It's a baby carriage so you can take your infant on the golf course and a golf caddy over the top of the baby carriage.
It has your clubs, your balls, your gloves, a cigar maybe if you smoke while you're, you know.
I love it. It's a great idea.
And to me that's not so much a gimmick.
You got somebody to push it for you.
Yeah, and that's not a gimmick gift right there. I think people could really use that.
Golfers, avid golfers could really use that and have a young infant.
And the mom says, hey, it's your turn to watch Little Junior. I'm going to go to the movies with the girls.
And you're like, sure. OK.
You take him to the golf course. He's fine.
Put a little sunscreen on him. He's great. He or she is great, good as gold.
Make sure you have some extra formula and a couple of peanut butter crackers. You're fine, right?
You really want to wear the old tyke out and impress the old lady?
Oh, he comes home. He's sucking his thumb.
Yes, yeah, that baby will not wake up.
Mama will be happy.
Maybe you'll get a little one on one mom a time while the little tyke is sleeping too, right?
Maybe you'll work on another little junior, right?
Now you're probably going to be wore out for the rest of your life.
You're going to be like, hey, maybe in the morning.
The next one I love too. It is a personal throne. It's a huge throne.
You look tiny sitting in it. It looks like a king's throne.
It retails for about three hundred dollars. And if you have the money, it's kind of worth it.
That would be cool.
There was a huge throne in a barn up in New Hampshire.
I would love to have that in a studio.
I was up a few years ago working in Massachusetts and I went and seen some friends of ours that we met on a cruise up in New Hampshire.
And they said, hey, we're going to go to this little barn get together.
They go there and they watch football, listen to music and stuff and drink beer and stuff.
And in that barn they had a big throne. It was fucking cooler than hell.
I asked them, what's a big throne for? They said, I don't know.
We sit on it and drink beer. We don't know. It was cool.
So they've been around longer. They had to get that throne from somewhere.
Maybe they had it built. I don't know.
The next one is a voice controlled heated vest, which is cooler than hell.
It's an actual. Yeah, it's a heated vest. And you can go, all right, go on setting three.
It's on setting three. Shut off. I'm starting to sweat. Yeah.
Starting to sweat. Stop. It stops.
That'd be awesome. It would be, wouldn't it? Yeah.
There's some pretty good ones on here. I pick and choose the ones that I thought were the best.
They're just the best. You got to make it a whole bodysuit.
Yes, I agree. A onesie. If you can make a vest, you can make a bodysuit.
I think a onesie like a cat in a hat onesie.
Would that be great? I'm sure Jeffy X is working on something.
All right. Well, you know what? Jeffy X will.
He didn't have anything this podcast, but we know Jeffy X will be back.
That is excellent. Jeffy.
You know, Jeffy X was most thrilled about the bat suit and the Sergeant Pepper outfit.
He was like the Steven Pearcy underwear with the pouch sewn on the inside so he could put a couple of socks in there and appear larger.
He said that was fine. He didn't mind that. He said that was great.
But he said nothing will compare to the flying bat suit and the Sergeant Pepper's outfit.
He's like, man, that is the shit.
Jeffy, you got us. We got you.
And I told him I said the bat suit and the Sergeant Pepper outfit.
You could wear the embroidered underwear with a special Steven Pearcy pouch on the inside of the groin area.
I said you can wear them in tandem with those two.
Better yet, Jeffy, when you come down to get this stuff, we have some high cliffs around here.
Oh, he could do the bat. Yeah.
And Mark owes you some legal marijuana.
And hookers.
You could pick that up, swing down here, jump off a cliff in your bat suit, legally hop off your ass in the state of Missouri.
And I also think that we need to give it a few.
And enjoy your good time.
You know, we both for the endorsement that we got for kids smacking the balls, I think that we need to give him some of those.
We each have 30 not on him, but for him to use on anybody.
We could each give him like 10 smacking the balls.
You want to give 10 a piece? 10 a piece.
We'll also give him 20 smacking the balls for anyone he sees fit.
50 hookers, 20 smacking the balls.
Yeah.
Bat suit, Sergeant Pepper and embroidered underwear with a special Steven Pearcey pouch on the inside of the groin area so he can fill them forward with matching socks.
So Jeffy's got it made.
And then finally, but not least, a Jaeger Meister tap machine.
You put the bottle in the top of it, you unscrew it, and then it's got a tap or a Jaeger Meister cool ass tap on it.
And you just open it up, pours the Jaeger Meister, and it even has like a little shelf on it to where you can put ice and keep the Jaeger Meister ice cold while it sits there.
And that is all.
I could see a market for that.
There is a market because.
It ain't my flavor.
But I could see a market for it.
It's on back order, actually.
I could see that.
There's a lot of Jaeger Meister fans out there.
They sold so many of them, it is actually on back order.
I didn't know it was black licorice.
No me neither.
It's not my thing, but it is selling so well that it's on back order.
But anyhow, we are well over the hour mark, so we are hereby probably done with this podcast.
But we thank you all for listening and never fear we'll be back in, let's see, two days to record another one and then three days to record another one.
And then five days to record another one so you guys are in plenty of luck.
Or shit out of luck, depending on how you feel about the show.
Yeah.
By the way, keep listening tomorrow and keeping numbers.
You guys are fucking amazing.
I cannot believe.
Yeah, you guys are amazing.
They beat out half of our home market in Kansas significantly.
Yes, they did.
They didn't beat out Missouri yet, but man, they are on the heels of our home market.
Yeah.
And not to mention Des Moines is a much smaller market than Kansas City, less people to pull from.
Wow, you guys are amazing.
Thank you.
Tell your friends.
You guys obviously love this.
Thank you, everybody.
Yeah, everybody.
Thank you.
Brussels, Belgium.
I never knew there was that many English speakers in Brussels.
Geez.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Thank you guys.
Thank you so much.
We have other markets too.
Oh, and we cannot forget it.
We got one in New Zealand now.
Yes, we do.
We're very proud of that.
We have one in Peru, Lima, Peru, which is incredible.
How the hell did we get someone in Peru?
I don't understand, but thank you, whoever you are.
France, Germany.
Japan.
Yeah, amazing.
A couple in Japan.
Oh, by the way, this podcast that I'm sorry, I'm looking to RSS right now.
Go ahead, say what you're saying that I'm going to go into this.
Go ahead and finish what you're saying.
No, I was just saying there's a couple of different ones in Japan, different cities.
Yes, which I'm very impressed.
Okay, I've got, did you see the title of the last podcast that I posted this morning or last night?
Yes, I did.
Rob runs.
I listened to it.
I'm like, what the hell?
There ain't nothing about that on there.
I know.
Rob runs Naked Through Town live on air.
Rob gets BB Pellet in his nutsack and Rob visits the ER.
How many hits do we get?
Let me see here.
We already surpassed the last three.
I can't really go into numbers like our buddy told us.
We surpassed the other two in front of it.
So people like you getting smacked in the balls with a BB, I guess.
Yeah, I had to do that.
So anyhow, thank you everybody for listening.
We will be back in a couple of days with another one that's going to post in a couple of days.
I'm going to try to post one tonight or tomorrow.
Keep listening.
We love you guys.
We are growing and we love it and thank you.
Have a good night.
By the way, our next schedule one, you better have your hairy ass Olympian.
I'm working on it, Rob.
Number 10.
Is that what we got?
You better be ready.
I'm bringing it.
Okay, we're tied.
You won the first round.
My guy won the second round.
I know.
We're tied up.
Number three.
All right, man.
Okay, I'm ready for it.
All right, hairy asshole Olympics coming up in a few days.
Have a good night, everybody.
Thank you.
Good night.
Hey, where did they go?
Where are the douche bags?
Oh my God.
Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.
Let's just hope they don't come back.