Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's two douchebags and a microphone podcast.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
During an apocalypse, don't forget the nuts. Hickory nuts, that is. Yeah, we know, hickory wood gets all the glory and all the love.
Everyone loves the hickory trees. They cut them down and they make great sandwiches out of barbecue and meats. They smoke them and it's a fantastic deal.
But little does anyone know about the hickory nuts. During an apocalypse, hickory nuts could be the best thing you could find.
Hickory nuts can be eaten raw, toasted, or added to various recipes. Their rich buttery flavor and crunchy texture make them an ideal ingredient for both sweet and savory dishes.
You can use hickory nuts to make nut butter, pesto, or even a unique hickory nut milk. There are five types of hickory nuts.
Bitter nut hickory, shag bark hickory, pig nut hickory, mockernut hickory, and smooth bark hickory.
Hickory trees are considered part of the walnut species and are plentiful, at least around Missouri and surrounding areas. So, during an apocalypse, don't forget to grab your nuts.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum, two douchebags and a microphone.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Oh wow, look! The Wayne Newton Channel was the highest rated network.
Hello everybody, this is two douchebags and a microphone. I am the Mark portion of it.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, well real quick, Rob Rad has a little update. You know, he told you a couple of podcasts ago that a family member that was in trouble.
And I'm not sure what it is. I haven't had a chance to find out exactly, but he said he had good news. So, Rob, take the throne.
Yeah, well, I got an update. Um, Orange Kim, she had a strobe last Tuesday and had bleeding at the base of her brain, which butchered around her.
Uh, yeah, whatever. And they weren't going to operate. Well, they've slowly been taken off sedation. And she is responding.
Wow.
Her eyes are responding. They ask her questions. She's answering yes or no.
Good?
Uh, yeah, I mean, thank you everybody for your prayers and let's keep it going. This is a good woman. She's a good woman. She's kept this family together for years.
Excellent.
Thank you.
Good, good. Keep the prayers coming, people. Keep them coming. She still has a ways to go, but it's a step in the right direction.
Yeah, I mean, she's got a long way to go.
But the main thing is she may not be anywhere near the finish line, but she's running the marathon.
Right, right. I told you she's a tough bitch.
You already see, yeah.
And she'll say it too.
And I think it's going to be true to form that you're going to see her not let you down on that aspect. So I have I have every reason in the world to believe I've seen miracles happen numerous too many times that I only remember them all.
So they happen. They happen all the time. If you don't see them, you choose not to see them. It's that simple.
And and you know, anyhow, that's all I'm going to go with that. You know, I know my faith and I know how I feel about things. And you know what? I see miracles every day.
And I think if people don't are missing out. So, okay, Rob, you know, there is a Miller.
Miller High Life is releasing a neon tabletop treetop. It's a tabletop tree, not a treetop, a tabletop tree that doesn't just look like it belongs in a dive bar, which it does.
It looks like it's a neon tree.
Okay, it smells like it smells like it too.
Miller High Life is celebrating 120th anniversary for the special occasion. It is releasing a neon tabletop tree inspired by a vintage dive bar decor, according to the news release, to pay homage to the unmistakable dive bar scent.
It comes with sweet tobacco and teakwood infused satchels to place around the tree. The Mary Highlight, which stands at two and one half feet tall, is giving champagne a beer's flair from the topper to the tree skirt.
The tree skirt is donning the famous Miller High Life lady, you know, the one on the moon.
Yeah, yeah, yep.
With a hat and boots. Really a very cool looking tree and possible collector's item as well.
This cool piece is going to set one back about 120 bucks, and it will be available December 8th, first come first served basis at millerhighlife.com slash 120th 120th dash anniversary.
So that's millerhighlife.com forward slash 120th dash anniversary or just Google it and probably the best way.
So, and now, you know what happened? You know what happened, Rob?
What?
Well, Jeffy X, he's at it again.
Oh, I thought you were going to talk about our chiefs.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Here's the deal.
Okay, there is. It's our time to get kicked in the nuts.
And this happens. It happens in every NFL team. It's like a tidal wave. And you get this great luck, you get this horrible luck. I mean,
Dude, your toe is on the line.
It takes me back.
You can call back a 49 yard touchdown.
Yes, and I knew that was going to happen when I was on an imaginary line.
Okay, okay. Hang on. We'll get to Jeffy X.
Hang on a second, Rob. Let me mention this. It takes me to a flashback in 2018, I believe,
where the Chiefs against Tom Brady in the championship game and Ford, D Ford, with his hand barely touching the line.
We intercepted Tom Brady. It's the way the NFL works. It's somewhat scripted. It's as scripted as it can be.
The games are heavily influenced, and there's no way they can convince me any different.
The NFL is scripted. They do not want, they do not want the championship game to go through Arrowhead again.
Five years in a row, they don't want anymore. They want it to go through somewhere else.
Their new golden boy might be Baltimore or Sunbe, but you're going to see the calls all going that way.
They don't want to see, they don't want to see Buffalo Bills out of it.
Josh Allen is a gunslinger. Cincinnati, they don't care because their golden boy Joey Burrow is doing what he does consistently, being on the IR.
Okay, so whoever you are in Central Ohio, get over it. Yeah, I dogged your golden boy again, alright?
Honestly, I think he'll probably end up being Baltimore.
He might be. And here's another thing too, the been there, done that. John Harbaugh and the Baltimore Ravens, they have been there and done that.
So if I have to put money on a team, I would go with the Ravens. They've been there and done that.
The Bills have not been there and done that. The Bengals are missing their golden boy, and they're not going to be there.
So the whole thing is this right here. The been there and done that tells me that Baltimore has a clear run this year, and they might just find themselves in the Super Bowl.
Now, I say this, if Baltimore goes against Philly, they have a chance of winning. If they go against San Francisco, I don't think they're going to win that.
But you know what, we can go into all that on the sports show, and it all has to do with matchups.
And the matchups, I already looked at it and started doing some figuring and all this and everything.
And look, you can't win the Super Bowl every year. You know, yeah, I would like to have seen them win the games they should have won this year, which is about like three more games.
They should have won three more games this year because they gave them away with stupid penalties or bad calls and all that.
But that's part of the game. Okay. They overcame bad calls last year, too, and we still won the Super Bowl.
Okay. The thing is, is we're not going to win the Super Bowl every year. And this is more or less a rebuilding year to me.
Your Grumman Rushie Rice is a number one receiver. Kelsey. He did awesome today. Yes, he did. And he has been.
They've got Pacheco, who is a great runner. They need McKennan. I don't know how many years he has left in the tank.
He's been around a long time. This Prince guy that they elevated, he might be an answer.
But the thing is, is with the salary cap, us paying the Holmes and Kelsey and all that so much.
You know, Chris Jones can go. And here's why. Chris Jones is widely inconsistent.
When he's there, he's the best around, but he's not always there. Chris Jones is not a good buy.
Let him go. With that money, Carl Oftis is the man. Oh, Wahoo. I forgot his name. Is the man.
Chris Jones is widely inconsistent. And he's frankly, quite frankly, he's not an upper echelon player like he thinks he is and other people think he is.
Let him go. He's not worth the money. You know, he said he's going to win Defensive Player of the Year.
He's not even close. He's not even sniffing the ass of somebody ready to win it. No. Let Chris Jones go.
With that money, we can buy something else a hell of a lot more intelligent than Chris Jones.
And also, I don't like his take it or leave it attitude and the way he held the Chiefs hostage in this preseason.
No. We don't do that. Right, Tyreek Hill? We don't do that. So, you go ahead, Jones. Go somewhere else.
Go chase your ring somewhere else. You ain't doing it in Kansas City. So, anyhow, what was I saying?
Get back to Jeffy X. Oh, OK. Jeffy X. Jeffy X is at it again, dude. He came up a list of neon signs.
He found overtime. Hey, this is Sunday. Yeah. Shit, we win big time.
I mean, I don't know what else you can do. You know, you embroidered his underwear with Jeffy X.
You gave him the special Steven Pearcy pouch of rat, you know, Glam Band rat that had the little pouch sewn in supposedly on the inside.
So, he can fill them full. You're ready to go. Yeah, yeah. You have his flight suit. Let's see. What else did you?
I mean, I've got him. I'm probably up to 50 hookers now. I got started on Sergeant Pepper. Oh, the Sergeant Pepper outfit.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I got started on it today. Jeffy X is going to be happy. Yes. And his 50 hookers, of course.
And let's see. What else did I say? I was going to give him 50. Oh, yeah. Legal Missouri weed.
I can't get him cocaine because that would be that would be against the law. From the dispensary.
From the dispensary. It's legal. So Jeffy X is going to come to Missouri over the holidays and we're going to present him with all this.
So while he's in Missouri, he is legal for this dispensary marijuana. So he will not be breaking the law.
Yes, because we do not break the law here at Two Douchebags and Marker. No, there is no trafficking.
No, no, we do not do that. So anyhow, Jeffy X came up with a list of neon signs that Miller High Life turned down before they came up with this.
So I. Yeah. And once again, I mean, he went to all all depths to find this list.
I mean, he was I heard he was held at gunpoint at Miller Light because they recognized him.
He was incognito. He had like some sort of a weird mustache on and some weird glasses.
He was held at gunpoint. He was going to go into place like, oh, yeah, like that will recognize it.
Yeah, they beat him up really bad. They threw him out on the ground.
Going to alcohol. Yeah, they're going to recognize it.
But despite all that, he got us. He got us the list. Jeffy X once again prevailed.
He's a he's an amazing fellow. And once again, it said 10 minutes and this email is gone.
So I quick I downloaded it, printed it off and then nine fifty nine goes over to 10.
It was gone. So. OK. So all right.
The the first one that was turned down by Miller Light, the neon sign in lieu of the of the tree that smells like a bar and everything.
The pile of vomit neon tree was turned down by Miller Light.
I don't know why you turn down a pile of vomit tree. I mean, that sounds lovely, doesn't it?
That that'd be great in a bar. Yeah. I mean, I'd feel at home in a man cave.
Yeah. Yeah. You know, you come on in, you go, oh, hey, hey, over there is a pile of vomit.
OK, that's a it's a little neon thing that I have.
Everyone go, oh, cool. You know, you know, it would get a lot of it would get a lot of pub.
People go, yeah, that's the guy with the neon vomit in his man cave. That guy right there. Yeah.
Yeah. It would go. I don't know. I don't understand Miller's reasoning.
But, you know, is probably like the rest. It went, you know, through some focus groups.
And these people, you know, just who knows where they got him at?
You know, I mean, come on, you know, vomit. It all goes. It all goes together. And we all love it. Right.
So number two, the flashing red, blue and blue DUI checkpoint tree was also declined.
OK, yeah, yeah. I think I get that one.
You know, flashbacks, you know, people handcuffs pissing someone off in jail.
You know, getting punched in the face. You know, all that stuff. Right.
Yeah. So, you know, Bubba coming after you in jail. Oh, speaking of Bubba,
are you going to have you started listening to one of my shows today?
Are you going to have a report for us? I listen to one. I listen to one. OK.
Did you like it or not? Yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. OK.
But let's. OK, we'll talk about that later. Actually, we could talk about it off air.
It takes a little while to get used to it. You got to you got to learn the ins and outs of the slang and history.
Well, here's the thing. OK, I'll go ahead and say. OK.
I'm seeing what what you're talking about. I listen to him.
There's a lot to learn there. There is a lot to learn there.
He is a consummate professional when it comes to broadcasting this type of radio.
And I have only listened to one episode. Well, listen, I already tell. Yeah.
So I'm going to keep tuning in. Now you're going to see why I do some of the stuff I do about keeping the show going,
turning it around, saying certain things. Yeah, no, no, that's what I'm saying.
Just in that one episode, knowing what we do here. Yes.
I could quickly see what. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, the more you listen to it and then after you get more into it, you're going to find out some of the history.
You're going to find out some of the people who used to be on it, some of the old bits and everything,
and see how it evolved into the show it is now.
Every one of the errors of his shows, I liked everyone.
I'm really stellar and good. They were just different and had different points.
So in today's radio, you can't do some of the stuff he used to do.
Nobody can. You know, it's just it's the way it is.
So anyhow. All right. Number three.
The horrible gas and quick trip burrito centered tree was also pitched aside.
I mean, really quick trip burritos and horrible gas.
Come on. That is synonymous with a bar and Miller.
I mean, you know, I mean, I remember, you know, a long time ago when a lot of quick trips didn't even have gas pumps.
Now they all do. And they're like these super huge quick trips.
I remember when, you know, sitting in the sitting in there drinking some Miller ponies, you know, in the corner of the lot.
No gas, no gas pumps or nothing. You know, having a good time and everything.
Yeah, I just don't get it. I mean, you know, I don't either.
Yeah. And the quick trip burritos were a huge part of it.
You know, oh, yeah, they definitely are. Oh, yeah.
Or the famous would be Q. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I forgot about.
Oh, yeah. Who didn't have a rugby Q at three in the morning? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I mean, when the microwave spin in a lot of that alcohol. Yes, it does.
The microwave spinning and you're trying to just hold steady and you're not falling into the microwave.
It's like, uh, and it looks quite as good as the White Castle.
A little bit close. Oh, yeah. Well, the White Castle's man. Oh, they would.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So I got a lot of alcohol.
The White Castle's will literally get in there and fight everybody in their way.
They'd be like, hey, we're White Castle and we're taking we're taking over this place.
So all right. Let's see. Number four.
The VD free clinic tree was also declined by the test panels complete with broken condoms and cigarette butts.
They don't know how to have fun. I have I don't know what to say.
I'm flabbergasted. Rob, are you on stage? Yeah.
Sounds like such a fantastic idea to me.
I just don't I don't know.
I don't have an excuse for these focus groups that turned it down.
I mean, you know, are they a bunch of stuff shirts? What the hell? Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know.
Number five. The divorce and alimony tree was also complete flop.
Seems it left flashbacks to too many people on the focus groups.
That's probably why they're there.
You know, they own all they owe all this alimony.
So they agree to do these focus groups for a couple hundred bucks, you know, so they can maybe eat that way because they're paying all their money on alimony.
So that's the only reason I could figure is why, you know, it didn't you know, the alimony tree and child support tree didn't work.
I mean, you know, well, hey, that explains their judgment sometimes.
True. That's true. Their minds too busy on their alimony and child support instead of giving the correct answer.
You're right. You're right. You're right. Rob. Man, I'll tell you what.
They busted the whole system here. I know. I know. I mean, well, OK.
Well, there's number six here. The trash bags of aluminum cans tree was also kicked aside.
What's more festive and Miller lightish than bags of cans?
Oh, that's that's a trophy. Yes.
It's like you see those 30. I'm getting ready to take those in and get 10 cases of beer because I personally I personally swigged every one of those down and I deserve these 10 cases of beer.
Yeah. Yeah. And I'll bet you anything that cans were already smashed and they still turned it down.
It says Mayday would be. Yeah, me too. I mean, yeah, I bet you someone already smashed them all and everything and they still turned them down.
Who does not like smashed aluminum cans?
Back when my dad had me picking up soda cans on the side of the road everywhere I went, I had to smash them. So you take it in.
I used to run them over with a car. Oh, well, no, I was like 10, 12.
Oh, no, I was. So was I. And I went collecting them.
I say, hey, Dad, give me the keys. No, you're not driving anywhere. I'm just going to run over my cans.
OK, don't worry. Oh, my dad doesn't own them. Way in hell my dad would have given me the keys.
I totally understand why.
You know what? I was lucky. I think the only reason my dad let me do it is because, you know, he's probably like, you know what?
I don't want to hear the motherfucker out there at three in the morning smashing cans.
Might as well let him just do it and get it over with and be done with it.
That's probably why he let me do it, honestly.
OK, number seven. I'm surprised after your brother. Oh, shit.
I remember when I stole his keys one time and he caught me. He used to leave them in his pants on the on the dresser.
And I snuck in there. I stuck snuck in their room.
And I guess they just like rattled just a little bit too much.
As soon as I opened his bedroom door, he goes, those aren't the car keys, dumbass.
The car keys are somewhere else. I looked down and it's just the house key.
He said something like, we'll talk about this in the morning. Thanks for waking me up, asshole.
And we did talk about it in the morning. Trust me.
I had many of them conversations.
Yeah, it was like, you know what? I'm going to continue to get my sleep because you're not going to rob me of my sleep, you little asshole.
But we will continue this in the morning. Trust me. And we did.
That was like me coming home from work with Jess and Jim's. I go straight to the bathroom, puke and dad at the job.
Shut up. I don't want to hear you. I'm 16 years old, dude.
Didn't you one time just want to do this once? Thanks, Mark.
You're welcome. Didn't you just want to do this one time, but you knew you're going to get your ass whipped?
But just do it one time just to do it. Turn around and go, oh, fuck you, you old bastard.
Oh, dude. I was close one day and I ended up leaving the house.
After I got done getting the shit beat out of me, my dad would probably laugh and go, you know what? That was pretty good.
Oh, no. My dad would just beat the shit out of me. I would have gotten my ass whipped, but I bet you I would have gotten it.
That was pretty funny. But don't do it again. Okay, you got it.
I never did, but I did. I just wanted to turn around and go, oh, fuck you, you old bastard. Just to see what he'd do.
You see a fucking demon come out. Your dad probably would beat the shit out of you. Oh, shit, yeah.
He probably would have said, you know what? I'm going to hold off right there because I'm going to savor this ass whipping that you deserve.
So we're going to leave it right here and I'm going to continue it tomorrow at three.
So be here at three o'clock and we'll continue your ass whipping then.
Yeah, my dad was like three inches taller than me and that way beat by 50 pounds.
My dad was taller than you. He was also in the Navy and not.
Oh, shit. I would not have said that to him. I didn't have a chance.
Number seven, the AA Medians Tree was almost approved, but Miller, of course, wanted nothing to do with AA, allegedly.
So they almost they almost approved the Alcoholics Anonymous Tree.
But Miller quickly ripped it away and said, no, we won't have anything of the sort around us.
So I bet Bud Light would have passed it. Yeah, yeah. They they need some good pub.
Yeah, they've been like, oh, oh, hey, this will be good pub. Go ahead.
Number eight, the I tried nothing crack tree was smashed when smashed. Let me try this again.
Number eight, the I tried nothing crack tree when smashed was also denied for possible fentanyl contamination.
OK, OK, that was a great move. Right.
I mean, yeah, yeah, you know, fentanyl is getting a little crazy.
A lot of people. Yeah, I mean, it would just been a crack to be fine.
But it did. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
And so there's this crack. We would agree.
Yeah, yeah, I agree. Well, yeah, nobody have time changes, huh?
Yes. Yep. And then finally, number nine, the my children hate me because I was complete fuck up tree
was also frowned upon with the groups. Seems the logistics of the children crying themselves asleep was too complicated to put in a neon tree.
Oh, there is one more. I'm sorry. Well, you know, I could understand that.
You know, children whimpering because their daddy's not home.
He's at the bar and he's probably trying to pick up on some dirty leg and, you know, and not paying the bills.
And they're worried about getting kicked out of the house and everything.
I can understand the logistics of that being a little rough, right? Yeah. Yeah.
It's like, how do we put all this in neon? So, Miller, I get it. You're off the hook on this one.
Brilliant idea. But I understand the logistics of it is just too too tough to handle.
I mean, you know, I mean, you'd have to have like little children there and then you'd have to do like the little, you know, teardrops on them.
And yeah, that'd be rough. Yeah. Yep. And finally, the bouncer that threw me out every night at one thirty tree was not a very festive scheme and was denied as well.
So, yeah, I guess so. You know, you know, you want to be festive.
You don't want to see that guy that keeps kicking you out. You know, you're on a roll. You're doing good.
You're getting the ladies attention. You're like doing stupid shit. You know, you're climbing around and stuff.
And then the bouncer's like, hey, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I get it.
So I wouldn't remember their faces so I couldn't have the decoration. Yep.
So anyhow, Jeffy X once again, thank you, Jeffy X. So now some of them were fine suggestions. I don't know what Miller was thinking. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I have no idea what Miller was thinking, but yeah, OK. I remember probably drinking.
Probably. Probably. So yeah, we're going to go to our first break here, Rob.
And when we come back, you got something. And I also found the emails. They were actually out.
Oh, good deal. They were out. Where you said they were? No, they were outside. No.
Yes, I went out to check the water. They're going to love this, Mark.
You know what? I'll tell it when I get back. Anyhow. I think we should start off with that after this.
OK, we will. We'll be right back in a minute.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Are you always such an idiot or do you just show off when I'm around?
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This Ain't Born As Radio Kid is for the next generation. Podcast.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Baseball's third season of the year begins tonight. Yay.
Hey look, I think we found land. Oh my god, I think we're safe.
Oh no. It's the island of horrible jokes.
Why? Cannon oaks be twelve inches long. Because then it would be a foot.
Here is what happened. Remember I said I thought I was... Oh my god. I was trying to keep you cracking up through that.
Okay, here's officially what happened. Remember I was going out to the hot tub to check the water and I thought I left him in the laundry room, which is right before you open the back door to get to the hot tub.
So anyhow, I thought I put him in the laundry bin. I left him outside. Evidently I took him outside and set him down on the table and I checked the chemicals and then I came back in without retrieving them.
And so I've been looking all around everywhere inside the house and the only way I found him today was I went out to check the water because the pump was making a weird noise and it like froze up.
And I just had a new pump put in and I told you about the mice chewing shit up. So anyhow, we think the pump might have been defective or something.
So anyhow, the guys got to come out tomorrow and take a look at it. But I went out there to check...
He used to be certified. Oh, no kidding? You put in pumps and everything, right?
Tools and spog. Oh wow. Okay.
Well, you know, if you have acidity water or water that's imbalanced, it really hurts the pump of the hot tub, right?
Right. But yeah, let's get back to you.
Okay. Oh, okay. So anyhow, they were outside this whole time and it even rained the other day, but it was underneath the ledge.
And I'm walking out there and I'm like, shit, the pump is making a weird sound, you know, and all this stuff.
And I checked the water, the water was bouncing like, okay, good. And then all of a sudden I went to hit the flow, the jet flow, because that's what I was told to do.
And it's like, and it freezes up on me and stops. So I shut the whole thing down. And then I was like, wait a minute.
I thought I'd seen a notepad out there. I walked back out there. I'm like, sure is shit. There it was.
It was outside the whole time. Didn't get wet because underneath the ledge.
So I have the emails. I did not lose them. So do you want me to go into the emails or do you want you got something you want to say or?
Oh, you're already missing emails. You've been on these for a while, dude.
I know. And guess what, Rob? I'll go into mine. I'll go into mine after this.
Okay. And guess what, Rob? I'm not caught up because, well, I was looking for these emails, a bunch more fucking jumped in. So anyhow.
Yeah, I know my brother's one of them about my puzzle.
Okay. I'll have to look. I haven't had a chance to look at him in a couple of days. So tell him I'll get to it.
It's no big deal. It's just something he said anyway. I had to do my puzzle.
You mean the one where you're in a loincloth in the Amazon. Yes, yes, yes.
With your hands stretched out to the sky screaming.
Yeah, he wouldn't even come close to even telling me what that email said.
Well, I'll retrieve it. I'm going to have to retrieve them after this podcast now. You know this.
Yeah, this one's on you.
Okay. Well, I haven't had a chance because.
You can use it or not. It's on you.
Okay. You know what? I probably will. I'll read it later. I'll read after the podcast.
Okay. Okay. The first one I have is, Hey guys, I just wanted to know if you plan on joining any podcast service for better distribution.
The show is really entertaining and it seems like you all could have a more extensive footprint podcast-wide. Aidan in Texas.
Yeah, it is a thought. There are these other services that. Yeah.
You know, there's like Podbean and there's like what Podbox.
I mean, if you really want to get crazy, if we ever got good enough Barstool Sports, I think there's a lot of different services.
Yeah, it has been thought about. But. Yeah. But right now we're not quite there yet.
I mean, the product is good, but I mean, I think you're on board with this too, Rob.
You want it to really be smooth and firing on all cylinders. And we're starting to get there.
We're starting to get there, but I need to learn some pro tools and I'm just not quite happy with it.
And also you have to. We're doing really well listener wise. Don't get me wrong.
But you have to have a certain amount of sustained listenership every week for them to even acknowledge you. So yeah.
And and also you got to remember. Me and Mark have only been doing this like five, six months. Exactly. Exactly.
We're still doing it longer than me. Yep. But I just jumped in and I'm doing what I can.
He's doing very well. Yeah. So we're still working on it. We're doing we're doing fine.
We're in no hurry for anything. Yeah, we do plan on that. We got the rest of our lives. Yes.
Yes. So we plan on we plan on getting that point. It's just not right now.
And thank you. Thank you for the email and thank you for the kind words. Yes. Thank you.
All right. Mark, you have a fantastic ability to keep coming up with seamless conversation.
You credit your quick wit with being harassed as a child.
Could you explain what that means a little more in depth?
Kerry in Falls City. That is Kerry spelt like a guy. C.A.R.R.Y. Kerry in Falls City in Nebraska, I believe.
Thank you. Appreciate it. Yeah. OK.
I was a little poor fat kid and I got brutalized by these fucking older thugs that just kept fucking with me.
And the only thing I had going for me was my wit.
And while they're screwing me, I would say shit to them to demoralize them.
I mean, I came up with all different kinds of stuff, you know, it's like, you know, I it didn't matter whether it's your mama joke that I came up with to the way they look to their brain power.
But it's the only thing I had in life at that time. And, you know, they would come up and say something like, fuck you, you little bastard.
I go, oh, my God, the genius has spoken. Everybody stand back. Stand back. Let Einstein hear through.
You know, it's the only thing I've ever had when I was that young.
And it served well. I mean, you know, because it put them in their place.
And they've got my ass kicked a couple of times. But you know what? I got bigger and I started kicking their ass.
So not only did I destroy them with my mind and wit, but I stored them with my fists later.
So anyhow, and they know who they are. Some of them listen.
You know, so anyhow, and I know that for a fact because I got a couple of a couple little messages about it and stuff like that.
So and hey, were you talking about me? And I'm like, yeah, I was.
Even if I wasn't, I was like, yeah, I was. So anyhow, next one.
Rob, could you get me a boat trailer at a discount? Jerry at the junkyard in Montrose.
By the way, I do have a 76 Coupe de Ville bumper. My neighbor 10 feet away says hi.
No, no, it was supposed to be a 72 Coupe de Ville if I remember right.
Well, this guy said 76. I think it was a 72. I think you're right.
Yeah, the original email was asking for a 72.
OK. Well, as far as the boat trailer, yeah, it might be able to work something out.
Wasn't Jerry the name of the first guy from Montrose?
Yes, it was.
OK, maybe this is the same guy. It was a 72, Jerry. It was a 72. OK.
So come up with a 72 and Rob, can you get him a trailer at a discount?
Very possibly. Very possibly.
All right. Well, there you go. Go to our Facebook page. Two douchebags and microphone.
You can get a hold of Rob there. Rob Rad. So if you're really serious about this trailer.
I also just posted a picture of my new Christmas tree.
There you go. How can you get any better?
With my cat, Shadow.
You're welcome, America. You're welcome.
Rob, I know America is flooding in right now wanting to say thank you,
but I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to do it for them. OK?
Rob, thank you.
You're welcome.
All right.
This one here, I remember reading it and this is really cool.
Mark, did you used to play pinball at the 7-Eleven in Belton?
I'm sure this is you. I'm the short guy.
Oh my God.
Now you might remember him because you used to play pinball there too, right?
Yes, this person might remember both of us.
I know. That's what I was thinking.
OK, I'm the short guy with the Peterbilt truck hat that used to play with you
on the Elvira machine before they replaced it with the Metallica one.
Mitch in Belton, Texas.
P.S. I moved from Belton, Missouri to Belton, Texas.
Yes, Mitchell. Not Mitch.
Mitch.
Yeah, with the Peterbilt hat.
Short guy. Remember he used to come in there all the time.
He'd slam his quarters on there and then one of us would have to relinquish the machine
for a little bit while he played and then we'd slam our quarters on there
and then we'd get it back.
But yeah, Mitchell. I guess you go by Mitch now.
Awesome.
Hi Mitch, it's Duck.
Oh, that's right. He would know you as Duck.
Yeah, this is Duck, Mitch.
We're the same two dumbasses that you remember.
I know you're going to remember Duck if you remember me.
Yeah. Yeah, yep, yep, yep. That was us.
We used to play there.
God, it's good to hear this from him.
Yeah, I forgot all about that email until I read it today when I found it.
I'm like, oh shit, this thing is gold.
Mitch, right back.
Yes.
Right back.
What is that? Oh my God.
Or better yet, Mitch, go to the Facebook page and say hi to Duck also.
Two douchebags and microphone. Facebook page.
Now Rob Rad.
Oh yeah, now Rob Rad.
Yeah, I remember Mitch very well.
He used to wear that Peterbould hat and he wore it backwards when he would play.
He'd have it in there and he'd have it forward.
Then when he played, he'd kind of fucking stick his tongue out Charlie Brown style.
He'd stick his hat on back and that meant he was ready to fucking beat some Elvira ass.
Oh yeah, he was ready to whip some ass.
Yep, yep.
Next one.
Mark and Rob, I notice you guys don't cuss as much as you used to.
Are you trying to get more listeners by this?
Jim in Cleveland. I don't know Cleveland, Missouri.
Cleveland, Ohio. I don't know.
I didn't think we cussed any less, did you?
I really paid attention.
It's not intentional, but I mean, you know, I mean, honestly, I mean,
if you can get your point across without cussing, you probably should do that.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know.
We really can't cuss in the business world, so you can't cuss into that.
Yeah, maybe it's kind of, I don't know.
Maybe when I first...
Now I'm kind of getting heavier into this.
I'm trying to pay attention to what the listeners want to hear.
Yeah, they want to hear some cuss words,
but they don't want to hear the word fuck every other word.
You know what, I think, you know what, Jim in Cleveland is on to something.
I think he's absolutely right, Rob.
I don't think we do cuss as much as we did.
No, honestly, I don't think we do either.
It's not intentional, but I guess you're right.
Thank you for pointing that out.
Yeah, thanks.
Thank you for pointing that out.
It really gave me some thought.
I was like, wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it got my mind going here.
I didn't even necessarily think it was true until you and I just talked it out,
and I do think it's true now, thinking about it.
I think he's right.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, cool.
Someone spelt douche as duchess.
Oh, well, it was just funny.
Look, I make typos all the time.
I'm not making fun of you.
Douche's, are you guys ever going to record from the city market ever again?
I'm Jerry.
I spoke with you and Christopher last year.
We talked about politics and sports until my wife came for me.
Thanks.
Yeah, Jerry, I do remember you,
and we have a little problem at the city market right now.
Our table and chairs have been taken away.
There's nothing there,
so we're going to have to figure out a way to get some sort of like maybe a folding table
and some folding chairs with everything else to broadcast there.
Now it's going to be quite an accomplishment to do so,
but I imagine it can be done,
but right now for the time being, this is what you get.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Yeah.
Okay, you see, the reason I thought I'm going to go back to that last email there.
Or the one before.
The reason I thought it was a fake email is because it's trying to get my blood to boil,
and it almost did.
I almost got into it again.
I was like, you know, I'm wondering.
I mean, I could be totally wrong,
but I wonder if it wasn't one of those fucking pussies trying to take a jab at me.
But then again, maybe it does not.
So anyhow, all right, let's take another break.
We're going to go back with Rob Rad stuff, right?
Yeah, yeah, I got some.
All right, we'll talk to you guys in a minute.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Hmph.
I may never know.
Oh, Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there.
I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay.
I have a clown nose.
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Just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office?
Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
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I remember smack in balls.
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Well, I had this stupid son of a bitch come around me.
He would not shut his fucking yap or for nothing.
He gets up on me and he talks all stupid.
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I could not shake this motherfucker like a booger.
Then I remember smack in the nuts.
I pulled out old smack in the nuts.
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Two douchebags and microphone.
My name is Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright Rob, you got something for us?
Yeah, I got a...
It's a...
It's a ESPN Sioux Falls.
Okay.
But it has nothing to do with sports.
Okay.
Well does ESPN have the time?
Actually it's something that anybody that goes to Walmart should know.
Okay.
Walmart has its customers' safety in mind every day.
It's not uncommon to hear a number or a code over the stores intercom while shopping.
According to Common Sense Mom, the various codes and numbers have a specific meaning to the stores employees.
Code Adam.
This means there is a missing child in the store.
I wonder if that's named after Adam Walsh.
Probably.
I bet it is.
I'll try to look it up later.
Go ahead.
Code Spark.
This means the registers are overwhelmed and it's all hands on deck to help.
Oh, so the one register is full.
Even with self-checkout.
That's what it said.
Okay, go ahead.
Code Brown.
This means an active shooter on the premises.
I thought it meant someone had diarrhea.
Wow, okay.
Well that's good to know.
If I hear Code Brown...
Yeah, these are good ones to know, man.
They really are.
Code Blue.
This means there has been a bomb threat.
Wow.
Code Green.
A hostage situation is happening on the property.
Wow.
Code Black.
Means there is a weather situation as tornado or other severe weather.
So far that sounds like the best one to me.
Yeah.
Code Red.
There's a fire detected in the store.
Okay, wow.
Code White.
There's an injury in the store.
Code Orange.
Means there is a chemical spill on the premises.
Okay.
Department 51, if you hear this, the security team must respond.
Okay.
That's it.
That is really cool, dude.
That's some good codes to know.
They really are.
They're stuff that you wouldn't even think about if you heard them over at the intercom.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, Code Spark.
Well, now we know.
You hear Code Spark?
Just fucking walk out the door.
Everybody, no, it's all check out people.
But anyway.
Just walk out the door.
They're not going to know.
They're overwhelmed.
Just go back, listen to this, write it down.
You'll know what they mean.
Or go to ESPN Sioux Falls.
That is odd that it's on ESPN Sioux Falls.
Wow.
You know what I want to do is come up with codes that are bullshit and introduce them.
Well, right now, the word says, listen now.
ESPN Sunday Night Baseball.
Baseball?
Oh my God.
Well, okay.
Coincidentally, the new Things Overheard in Hell is one of them is baseball's third season.
It started off tonight.
Baseball's third season of the year.
Yeah.
That is Overheard in Hell.
You know, Virgin Atlantic lands the first flight powered by biofuels.
Really?
Yeah.
Virgin Atlantic flew from London Heathrow to New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport on Tuesday
using only sustainable aviation fuel, SAF, marking a world's first in commercial transatlantic travel.
Never before has a commercial plane flown across the Atlantic Ocean from London to New York without using fossil fuels.
Two Rolls-Royce Trent 1000 engines on a Boeing 787 operated by Virgin Atlantic were powered by 70 tons of sustainable aviation fluid, a biofuel primarily made from waste oils and animal fat,
which the airline claims emit 70 percent less carbon than traditional jet fuel.
Flight 100, is the name of it, officially landed at John F. Kennedy International Airport on Tuesday afternoon.
Though critics are calling the flight a stunt, its intended objective per the UK government,
which launched a competition for this project over a year ago and spent one million pounds to sponsor it,
was proof of a concept Britain's Civil Aviation Authority granted Virgin Atlantic a permit to showcase how the fuel can be used by decarbonizing flying.
Now, the thing I got is, who the hell would have took him up on that?
Really?
Okay, let's pretend you're a pilot, Rob, okay?
Alright, so, hey, Rob, can I see my office?
It's your turn.
Rob, can I see your...
Rob, I got something to talk to you.
Before you leave today, before you punch the time clock, could you come by my office?
Sure.
Okay, alright.
Okay, we're getting ready to leave, okay?
And then you come into my office.
I'm like, yeah, Rob, how you doing today? You doing alright?
Yeah, I'm doing fine.
How would you like to be a part of a little experiment?
Deep hands.
Rob, okay.
Well, we were thinking about like bird and animal fat as fuel on a plane, and we want you to pilot it.
It's going to go from London to New York, John F. Kennedy.
So what do you think, Rob? You on board?
Actually, I think I'm on vacation that week, but I'm sure one of the other pilots will do it.
Are you sure, Rob?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, alright. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what I would have done too, Rob.
I would have been like, okay, so...
I'm taking my wife to Aruba that week.
Tell my wife I cannot take her to Aruba.
You won that one. No one's going to go to your wife and take her there.
The only thing is I ain't even married.
All you got to mention is you're standing in the way of the wife's vacation.
People will run out of your way, Rob. They'll be like, that's okay, forget it. I was just joking. I was just joking.
So, pretty cool. I mean, it worked. They did it.
Yeah.
And also, finally, we have a little story here about Chipotle.
And anyhow, Chipotle is...
Okay, so, you know, you can eat in your car, right? We all do, but, you know, where do you keep your napkins?
There's where Chipotle's...
I'm on box.
Me too, but this is, you know, this is an article here.
You know, they have a car napkin holder.
It could be this year's best white elephant holiday gift.
You know, it comes in... it would come in handy this holiday season.
Chipotle is giving fans the gifts they never knew they needed.
A release announcing Chipotle's new car napkin holder.
According to the fast food casual chain, the fan inspired car napkin holder was created for Chipotle lovers
who are known to store extra Chipotle napkins in their cars.
The item which retails for $30 comes with a free entree gift card, Chipotle said.
The napkin holder is made from vegan cactus leather.
And it's perfect for storing all those extra napkins you unintentionally took from Chipotle.
Well, anyhow, you got a drink spill, no problem. You got the napkin holder there and it's vegan.
Anyhow, I think this is brilliant from Chipotle. You know why?
All the extra napkins that people take that they don't get any type of revenue for,
they just made their money back with this neat little thing and they did the buzzword.
They did the vegan leather napkin holder.
So now you're going to get all the people that are like organic and all that.
They go to Chipotle, they love Chipotle, the organic people, right?
And I'm not dogging anyone, I'm just saying the way it is, right?
They're going to run out and they're going to buy this napkin holder.
Chipotle is going to make bank off of it and in the next couple of years they're going to make their money back
from all the napkins that people took 30 of like I do.
Only I'm not going to buy the napkin holder.
Yeah, yeah. So I personally think it's a genius idea.
And I think that there's a certain amount of people that are going to go for this,
they're going to pull the trigger right off because it has that magic word, vegan, vegan leather.
People are just going to be like, oh my God, that's the greatest idea ever.
Without even checking into it, you think?
Yeah, and that also raises the price.
Yes. Yep.
So Chipotle, all I got is this, the Guinness Brilliant, brilliant.
You, Rob?
Yeah, I'm surprised other people ain't caught on.
Stuff like that's that easy.
Well, I have a feeling that these Cosmax we've been talking about, the McDonald's New Wave restaurant.
Oh yeah, yeah.
All this stuff that I mentioned on last podcast about the menu and all that stuff, you watch.
All this stuff is going to have a twist.
It's going to have a twist that's going to mend and it's going to tender
and his main function is going to be on the Millennials and the X and the Zers.
You watch.
You know what I think it is?
What do you think?
I think they're trying to do away with our greasy burgers.
Actually, I've got a story coming up the next podcast that's not done yet.
Okay.
Okay, here is what I think is going on.
But I do have one I need to get to tonight after you're done.
Okay, McDonald's I think is splitting into two categories, us and them.
Us, the Boomers and Xers, because they're coming out with a new menu with huge burgers.
Yeah.
Okay.
And then that's them, the Cosmacs are them.
You see, it's brilliant.
They're playing both sides with two different stores under the same umbrella.
With property they bought 20 years ago.
Yes, there's all kinds of articles about that on the internet.
Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't just come up with that out of my ass.
I read this five years ago.
No, no, I've been reading.
Yeah.
I'll back you on it.
They purposely buy this prime stuff 30 years ago, knowing that it would someday develop,
and when they do, they got prime real estate for nothing.
It is just a completely brilliant idea, and until then it's a tax write-off.
For whatever they want to do.
Yeah.
And if nothing else, if it doesn't develop, then you sell it and you made your money back
because real estate is like quadrupled, if not more.
Anyhow, you got a story to get to, Rob?
Yes, yes.
This falls back to wrestling, but it's a movie coming out.
Rasslin'!
Rasslin', but it's a movie coming out.
Sorry, I'm just having fun with that.
You can call it wrestling.
I don't give a shit.
I know, I know, I know.
All right, Rob, go for it.
Well, do you remember the name Bon Ericks?
Of course.
Eric, Mike, Kevin, Fritz.
There's only one of them left, isn't there?
Well, now the kids are coming up.
Oh, they are?
Okay, I didn't know that.
Are they coming up in WCW, or not WCW, are they coming up in WWE or another?
Well, they're going to make a special appearance.
I'm sorry, Rob, go ahead.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
It has been announced that Kevin Ross and Marshall Von Erick will appear on December 13th episode of AEW Dynamite in Arlington, Texas.
The appearances are to tie in with the United States theatrical release of The Iron Claw.
Okay.
The movie is based on the lives and careers of Fitz Von Erick and his sons Kevin, Terry, David, and Mike, and the Von Erick curse.
Marshall and Ross Von Erick have been wrestling together since 2012.
Okay.
Appearing in special promotions such as MLW and Impact Wrestling.
But yeah, this movie that's coming out, Iron Claw, comes out December 22nd.
Wow.
And it's about the Von Erick family.
I was going to mention that the other night, but we ran out of time.
And then I just ran across this where the boys are into wrestling now.
That's cooler than shit, really.
Something to look in.
Not for me to look into.
So the Texas...
I've always been a Von Erick fan.
The Texas Royal Family lives on.
Yes.
Okay, cool.
Yeah.
Kevin, Ross, and Marshall.
Nice.
I'm going to have to look that up, Rob.
I like that story.
And that is a great way to...
Marshall and Ross have been the ones wrestling since 2012.
Who are they wrestling with?
They've been out there.
They're just not hitting the big time yet.
Okay.
Are they doing regional right now?
I say it's promotions such as MLW and Impact Wrestling, which is...
Oh, Impact.
Okay, Impact Wrestling.
Impact Wrestling.
Okay.
All right.
Well, you know...
Impact Wrestling is televised.
Okay.
Very cool.
Well, I'm going to look forward to seeing them.
I wonder if they look like their parents.
Ah, the pictures I'm looking at.
Dude, it's scary.
Really?
I'll have to look at it.
Yeah, the picture I'm looking at.
It's scary.
Whose sons are they?
Uh, this article don't say which boy belongs to who, but...
Who are the two boys, both of their dads?
I mean, you don't have to identify any of them, but you know.
Well, no, I guess...
Like, is it Mike and Kevin's dad?
Is it Kerry's dad?
This article does not say which boy belongs to which dad.
Oh, well, I can look it up later.
That was just me just wondering.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's something I haven't had time to look up.
I'll look it up later.
Rob, great.
Yeah, no, I wanted to get to this because this movie is coming out in a few days.
December 22nd.
I'm looking forward to it.
You are a Von Erich fan.
It is called The Arm Claw.
Oh, hey, Rob, I have something for you.
Do you get Vice TV?
No, not at this time.
Well, look it up on the internet, okay?
There is Dark Side of the 90s series.
On there is The Von Erichs.
It is...
Really?
Yeah, it can be disturbing.
Parts of it is disturbing.
Parts of it is like, what?
And parts of it is...
Interesting.
That's, I guess, the best way you can put it.
Look up The Von Erichs Dark Side of the 90s.
I'm sure it's on YouTube.
Alright.
Alright, Erbe, thank you for listening.
Have a great night.
Bye.
Have a great night, everybody.
Hey, where'd Erbe go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Ugh, I'm glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.