Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!
You're still a fucking asshole.
Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River,
it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Elderberries can be a delicious and tasty treat in the wild.
During the apocalypse, this can be a great go-to food because it is also medicinal.
It helps with inflammation to headaches and also helps with heart disease.
It helps with inflammation to headaches and also maybe you're sore from running from that radioactive antelope or whatever.
Take some elderberries.
Maybe you can run a little bit faster and get away from the damn thing.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
How does a butterfly take a dump?
It never stops long enough.
Maybe it just shits while lofting.
Maybe it shits real quick while chewing flowers.
Hmm.
I may never know.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
My name is Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright.
Hi everybody.
Thanks for joining us tonight.
We got a bunch of little stuff, this and that and the other to get to.
Anyhow, Rob, did you want to get to any of your stories right off the bat or do you want to wait and save them until a little bit later?
You were asking how my day went.
Yes.
Well, I had a couple visitors.
Okay.
My well-known brother here on the podcast.
Oh, the one that emails us?
My mom came down for a visit.
Excellent.
Good.
Yeah, we'll get into that later.
Okay.
Yeah, he followed up on one of your stories and you ain't gonna believe it, but we'll get into that later.
Sounds good.
Cool.
Alright.
Well, there's a whole bunch of, you know, it's the Christmas season, of course, the holiday season, and all these places are doing these special things for Christmas, right?
Yeah.
Well, IKEA is no different.
You know, the furniture store that everything's put together, it comes in a flat box.
It doesn't matter if it's the size of a house.
It comes in a flat box, a 12 by 12 flat box, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's IKEA.
Okay.
And then 30,000 pages of instructions.
So, okay.
Well, IKEA, they're going balls to the mall and they wrote this, the IKEA, whatever, wrote this, not me, and I probably should have just left that part off.
But anyhow, are Swedish meatballs too scrawny for your liking?
You're in luck because IKEA is supersizing its food offerings this Christmas by releasing a jumbo turkey-sized meatball.
Now, there's not a damn thing wrong with that, is there, Rob?
Oh, hell no.
Oh, meatball the size of a turkey?
Yeah, give me about 10 minutes.
I'd rather have a meatball for Christmas any year.
Me too.
You know, I can make peace with turkey with deep-fried turkey.
It's good.
It's really good.
But I would still rather have a meatball.
I think you too, right?
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Yeah, I wish they would just switch it to like steak or something, or burgers.
You know, Thanksgiving is like Burger Day or something where you like build your own burger and have a topping bar.
I'd be much more happy with that any day.
There you go.
Yeah, you can have stuffing and mashed potatoes, salad and all that, but I mean, but like the main dish should be like burgers.
And then you have like a side of whatever fixings you want, like chili, cheese, onions, tomato, whatever you, you know,
just have like 30 different fixings that you could put on it.
And I think that that would be fucking perfect, right?
That'd be awesome.
Yeah.
So anyhow, that's not going to happen probably.
But anyhow, anyhow, they said it's big, it's tasty, it's a proper Christmas showstopper.
Announced the Scandinavian furniture giant on Instagram, introducing the IKEA turkey size meatball.
Find out how to get your mittens on one soon.
One caveat is the giant meatball will only be sold in UK stores for now.
Accompanying footage shows some drizzling gravy on top of the Bohemoth Brown protein sphere.
They wrote that too, not me, which looks cartoonishly huge like the Boulder Indiana Jones fled from in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
And they wrote that too.
So anyhow, Jeffy X has come up.
He's at it again.
He's at it again, man.
I mean, I don't know what else I can get him.
I mean, I think I'm up to what, 40 hookers?
We can't get him cocaine because that would be against the law, but I can get him really strong legal Missouri weed as a gift.
And I don't know, 40 hookers.
Through dispensary.
Yeah, through dispensary, not the guy down the road.
Yeah.
Because we don't break the laws here at Two Douchebags in the microphone.
No.
Right.
And you have him embroidered Jeffy X underwear with the special Steven Pearcy patch in the front.
Steven Pearcy of the 80s, glam band rat, supposedly had a patch sewn in the inside of the front of his very tight spandex pants or underwear underneath the spandex pants.
That had a pouch that you could fill in full if you will.
And supposedly he put a couple of socks down there to make it maybe more appetizing to young groupies.
Well, Rob Rad is very, very nice.
We're sure Jeffy X doesn't need it.
But in case he wants a little extra padding there, he's got a Steven Pearcy pouch that Rob embroidered in the front of his underwear.
And let's see, what else did you make him?
You made him a bunch of...
He's got his embroidered socks.
Yes.
I've got him a couple sweatshirts.
Are you working on the Sergeant Pepper outfit I suggested?
I have not had time this week on that.
Okay.
But I did finish up his flying bat suit.
Oh, man.
The one you jump off the hillside and just fly.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
It's awesome.
I'm jealous.
I'm going to get him like a GoPro or something so he can give us footage when he's flying off the mountain in that thing.
Oh, that'd be awesome.
Yeah.
That'd be awesome.
Yeah.
Maybe we can record him yelling, whoo-hoo or something, right?
And just like flying.
Yeah.
Cool.
Well, anyhow, Jeffy X is at it again, Rob.
He came up with a list of stuff that meatballs that other agency has been offering, but they got turned down.
They went to Focus Panels, and the panel said, no, we don't like this idea, and they canned them.
They scrapped them.
Well, Jeffy X, in true fashion, like he always does, being the hero, he got these lists before...he intercepted them before they were disposed of and shredded.
And he risks his life to get us these things all the time.
And like always, I was at work, and he said, dude, check your email, 10 minutes max, then it's gone.
So I barely, barely run into the office, get it downloaded, get it printed off really quick without anyone noticing, and then right at the 10-minute mark, bam, the email disappeared like always.
So, Jeffy X, thank you.
So, the meatballs, the proctologist of America committee has offered a giant hand meatball.
A hand...a meatball the shape of a hand, and it's the proctologist of America committee has offered it.
But...
Oh my God.
It got turned down. It seems that nobody that, you know, had to have their asshole checked wanted to purchase or get as a gift a giant hand meatball.
No, I wouldn't either.
Yeah.
So anyhow, that failed all the focus groups. And so it seems that Pfizer was thinking of offering a giant meatball that is in the shape of a capsule.
That failed too.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, what better, you know, you fucking go get a vaccine, go buy a couple of, you know, a prescription, a couple of pills, and then they offer you a meatball in the shape of a capsule.
I mean, I don't see anything wrong with that, do you?
No.
Yeah. But no, no, it got turned down.
The next one...
For those that have to watch their intake, they have a little bit at a time.
That's right. I see nothing wrong with that, but it got turned down.
I don't either.
Yeah.
The National Hemorrhoid Society was going to offer a giant flaming hot buttole meatball.
But it too got turned down, Rob.
Yeah, I could kind of see that.
You don't like that idea, huh?
No, not at all.
The State of Missouri Childhood Services was going to offer a giant condom-shaped meatball for Christmas.
I mean, no, they need to bring that one back.
I agree. They need to bring that one back.
Yeah, I agree. 100% wrong.
I would agree with that.
CVS was going to offer a giant throat-losing meatball, but it was denied too.
I mean, what better? You go to CVS for some Ludens cough drops, right?
Yeah.
You know, you got a scratchy throat, you think you're coming down with something, you're like, man, shit, I need to do something.
And then you see this giant cough drop-looking fucking throat-losing-looking meatball right next to the Ludens.
You're like, oh, shit, I'm going to buy these Ludens, then I'm grabbing that giant, you know, lodgings, you know, meatball.
I mean, gosh, you may actually come home with that, you know.
Yeah, they're like, hey, man, go down to CVS.
Oh, my God. I'm in love with that idea.
Me too.
I would much rather suck on a meatball than one of the medicine-y things.
Yeah, yeah.
I'd be like a meatball sucker to help you through.
A meatball sucker, yeah.
But Rob, the public is fickle, right? It got denied.
Yeah.
It got denied.
It would taste better than the crap they offer. That's all I'm saying.
I would agree, 100%. You can't get that taste out of your mouth either if you got a cough.
That medicine, yeah, it don't matter what flavor they add, it still tastes better to me.
I mean, Rock God Old Crow would not take it out. Night Train might make a dent in it.
Yeah, it would be the best challenge, I think.
Yeah, Night Train would actually stand a shot in maybe getting rid of that horrible taste, but anyhow.
But then you have the taste of Night Train.
And we both should have that up as a war one night.
You know what? We might have to. But then think about it, you got rid of the Ludens taste, right?
But then you have the Night Train taste, which might be worse, I'm not for sure.
Yeah, you got a good point.
I'm going to stick with the cough drop if it comes to that.
Yeah.
Southwest Air was going to offer a free drink and a $100 credit giant meatball,
but they couldn't keep up with the demand of all the canceled flights.
They couldn't make enough giant $100 credit meatballs.
So, and free drink.
I can understand that one.
Yeah, yeah. So, yep.
Yes, yes, Southwest, that is a jab at you.
Yes, Southwest, I hate you. Yes.
You figured it out, Southwest. Congratulations.
It's the first thing you got right in a few years now.
I've never been on a plane. I just call that one as a business call.
If you don't have customers, how are you going to make this extra stuff?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rob, just go with it. Trust me, it's true.
I am, I am.
Okay. Congress was set to offer a giant toilet bowl meatball
to signify all the money wasted, but it also failed, like everything else they do.
It's another cover-up.
Yeah. Yeah, they decided not to do it.
It still costed $30 million, $30 trillion.
Walmart was going to offer a self-checkout giant meatball,
but they determined that most people would skip out accidentally without paying for it.
I could see that.
I could, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
So, NFL was going to offer a giant referee with its head up its ass,
but the demand for it was too extensive,
and they couldn't keep up with the demand, and they nixed the idea.
I understand that one. Yeah, I do, too.
I mean, it's just too... That would be in high demand.
Yeah, I mean, everybody wanted one, you know.
But, yeah, I thought it was going to be a great idea.
This is a collector's item.
Yeah, you know, a referee with his head up his ass.
Yeah. Meatball, I mean, what better way to signify, I mean, you know, what's going on?
But I understand. I mean, they just could not make enough meatballs,
and, you know, everybody was wanting one.
So, you know, they said, we better not.
We just don't have the facilities or the ability to make that many meatballs.
And then next, the Philadelphia Eagles was set to have a giant bail bond meatball,
but they didn't have many fans that could afford one after all their legal bills.
So, yeah, yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, so...
That's a shame. That's a shame.
Yeah, it is. I mean, but, you know, after all their legal bills,
they were wanting a bail bond meatball.
They're like, hell, that'll serve two different purposes.
That'll get me, you know, get me out of jail,
and it will also be a meatball because they love their meatballs over there,
because that's what they are.
They're a bunch of screwballs that love meatballs.
Philly fan, yeah, yeah.
But anyhow, they couldn't afford them, and no one else really...
Well, I mean, I guess you could take it over to Raider Nation,
and they would probably need quite a few meatball bail bonds there, too, right?
But anyhow, it got nixed before it even got taken to Raider Nation.
And Raider Nation, they're probably just as poor as the Eagle fan
after the Raider Nation legal bills, too,
so that's probably what they figured out is like, you know what?
It's going to be the same thing over there.
Well, it depends if they went to the casinos the night before or not.
Yeah, this is true. This is true.
They are in Vegas now.
Yeah, and Philly fan, you know, I mean, they don't...
Number one, they don't make a lot of money, as it is anyhow.
You know, they're very low budget over there,
and so, you know, Eagle's fan doesn't have that much capital to work with anyhow.
So, and then, you know, you throw on their legal bills,
and, you know, they all live in a one-bedroom apartment anyhow,
you know, a studio apartment.
So, you know, it's...
You know, all they can afford is that studio apartment after all their legal bills.
They don't have any extra capital, so, you know, they can't just...
You know, they can't go out and buy a Bill Bond meatball.
So, anyhow, that's the list, but man, Jeffy X, I swear, I mean...
I'm going to be on once again.
Yeah, fucking amazing work, like always, like always.
So, anyhow, I've got another story here to go to.
It's a weird little story that I want to mention.
It's kind of lengthy.
So, do you want to take a break, and you want to come back with something, Rob,
and then I'll go into my McDonald's story, okay?
Yeah, yeah, let's do that, because I've got a little something here ready to go.
All right, I thought you probably did.
All right, we'll be back here in a couple of minutes,
and you're going to hear some of this and that and the other,
and we'll be right back.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Oh, wow, look, the Wayne Newton Channel was the highest rated network.
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Two Douchebags and one single microphone.
Alright, so Rob, we're getting ready to go into something you want to speak of.
Yeah, yeah, I was running across different websites today
and I ran across basketballnetwork.net.
And I found an interesting little story.
Okay, that's what we like here.
In the heart of Indiana lies the quaint town of French Lick,
where Larry Bird spent his formative years.
Yes, French Lick, Indiana. Yep.
Despite the town's unhurried pace, encounters of Boston Celtics players
like Rick Bobby and Chris Ford were a regular occurrence for the residents.
The bond between French Lick and Celtics players reached a celebrity peak
when following the team's championship triumph in 1986,
Bill Walton graced the town for a quick celebration.
Having played basketball at UCLA, Big Red was accustomed to a lifestyle
different from the traditional lives in this town.
When he visited Bird's residence, Walton was starstruck.
As he encountered the unique and distinct lifestyle of the town.
In an interview in 1997, Walton told Sports Illustrated about his particular trip
and stated how it left a lasting impression in his mind.
I'll never forget that trip, Walton said.
The sun was just coming up and we're sitting in Larry's house.
His mom was cooking us breakfast.
All of a sudden his buddies pull in from a hunting trip.
The back of the truck was full of dead deer and empty bottles of Jack Daniels.
That's French Lick in a nutshell.
You know Larry Bird's nickname, don't you?
The Hick from French Lick. Yes.
He loves it, he calls himself that.
I got to know it because I'm still a fan of radio.
One of the guys that's still on there is Bubba the Love Sponge.
He's good friends with Larry Bird. Larry Bird is on there probably about once a year.
Usually around Christmas he goes on his show.
Anyhow, he's self-proclaimed Hick from French Lick.
That makes sense that there's a bunch of Jack Daniels bottles and dead deer in there.
It does go on to say how it touched Bill Walton.
Before he left he even grabbed some of the soil.
When he got back home to San Diego, he sprinkled some of that dirt in his backyard.
That's pretty awesome.
That is pretty cool that Bill Walton did that. It really is.
Yeah, yeah.
It's funny, Larry Bird's awesome because I've heard him on Bubba's show a lot.
Anyhow, he calls Bubba Thick. He goes, hey Thick, what's up?
He's like a country dude, man. He's awesome.
He uses the word Hick, not derogatory. He has fun with it.
Right, right.
Anyhow, it's pretty cool. I've always liked Larry Bird.
Anyhow, that guy was just something else as a basketball player.
Anyhow, let's see. What was the story I heard the other day?
It could have been on Bubba's show. I'm not for sure. I think it was.
Larry Bird would get mad whenever they would put a white guy on him.
He'd go over there and go, hey.
Yeah, I did read that story.
Yeah, he'd get mad and go, hey, I'm telling you right now, you better not put that white guy on me.
He's going to lose.
He'd get offended and be like, you're not giving me any respect, dude. I'm going to murder you.
I like Larry Bird a lot. That sounds par with what I've been hearing and seeing.
That's cool. Anyhow, cool. Very good story, Rob. I like that one a lot.
I love it. You grab some of that dirt and sprinkle it in your own yard. That's very cool.
Yeah, I took it from Indiana back to San Diego, sprinkling it in his own yard, trying to get that peace and tranquility.
I'd like to know this. Does Bill Walton go back to French Lick a lot now?
It didn't go in to say that.
I don't know how you'd know or how you'd find out, but I'm kind of curious if now he makes it like a regular trek because he loved it so much.
Yeah, well, it could be. That was back in 86.
Yeah, now he's probably...
Yeah, that was 40 some years ago.
Yeah, now he's probably got his drool cup out and probably pissing himself, right?
Yeah, pretty close.
Yeah. I'm making fun of anybody. I'll be there too. I'll be pissing myself in drool cup too when I become that age.
No, in 86, I was a junior in high school.
Yeah, in 86, I was looking for a place to masturbate.
So was I.
Not that much different than that.
In 86, we were working together, just the gyps.
Oh, yeah, yeah. We were definitely looking for a place to masturbate.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. But not together. Not together.
No.
Yeah. Yep. So, anyhow, I've got a little story here.
This was interesting. I just wanted to share it with everybody because it was weird.
I guess that's the best way to put this.
Okay.
So I went to McD's the other day, which is street slang for McDonald's.
I know, cool kids say McD's.
All right, everybody hang with me. I know I'm going crazy here with these slang words, but just go with me here.
McD's, just take my word for it. McD's is cool kid talk for McDonald's.
You're welcome.
So I went to McD's for an iced coffee on my way to work the other day.
I normally go to the small local coffee house close to my home.
And the reason I do that is because I like their coffee much better.
I mean, they have fantastic coffee and it has a little bit more caffeine than I believe that McDonald's does or Dunkin Donuts or something like that, you know.
So I usually go to this place. It's called Crow's Coffee and it's right on my way to work.
And I really like the place. But there's a lot of road construction.
I normally go to the small local coffee house to my home.
There's a shit ton of road construction going on.
So it made it really hard to pull into the parking lot at the coffee house.
I mean, it's virtually impossible from the angle I was getting from Holmes Road, right?
So I opted to go to McD's. It's just easier by a long shot.
Also, you know, they have a drive-thru to where Crow's does not have a drive-thru.
I got to go inside and wait and there's all the construction and they look really busy.
So, you know, I was like, all right, I'll just go through the drive-thru.
So I opted to go to McD's and it's just easier.
The AI robot lady greeted me at the drive-thru window like usual.
I got my order in. I went to the second window like I was prompted to.
The young man at the window, he looked very disheveled, uncertain and anxiety riddled.
I mean, he was just like, he looked like he was just about ready to break in too.
He was like really, really just like really weirded out looking.
He just barely cracks a drive-thru window enough to hand me for me to hand him my card.
And he slams the door. He almost got my fingers caught in it.
And I almost took exception to it like, dude, what the fuck's wrong with you?
But I looked at him and, you know, he didn't even put his full hand through there.
He just put his fingers where he could grab my card with his two fingers.
And he slammed the door really quick and I was almost like, dude, what the fuck?
But then I saw the look on his face and he just looked terrified.
I'm like, wow, this is fucking weird.
So I'm a little confused but I'm like, okay, he took my card.
So, you know, I'm on my way to the ultimate goal of getting my iced coffee and to be on my way.
I just want to get my coffee and fucking go to work, you know. That's it.
He does the same when he returns my card.
You know, he has my card and his fingers are drive-thru cracked just enough to get his fingers through.
You know, I'm looking quite puzzled, I'm sure, you know, at the guy.
I'm just kind of like er, doing the RCA Victor with my head tilted like, what the fuck, right?
Yeah.
So, anyhow, I'm waiting for my beverage.
When he looks at me and he informs me, he cracks the window just a little bit.
He goes that the wind is just too much for him and he just cannot deal with it today.
I'm like, okay, all right, I, you know, I don't really see it but not.
You know, the wind was blowing briskly at maybe 25.
You know, it wasn't severe thunderstorm worthy or even strong cold front worthy in the least.
You know, my coffee is now on the counter for him to retrieve and hand it to me.
He, once again, he cracks the window just barely, just enough to get his hand with the coffee through.
And he closes the window so quick that it almost closes on my hand again.
You know, I'm feeling rather bad for this guy and I just say, thanks, man.
He looks at me with anger, he says, did you just call me ma'am?
And I said, no, I said, thanks, man.
And he backs down rather sheepishly and just looks the other way.
This guy, he should never be at the counter.
I mean, he should be back flipping burgers and tossing fries.
You know, I'm pretty sure the fries would probably eventually offend him and probably frighten him.
You know, I'm just shaking my head.
You know, I got my fucking coffee.
I'm like, what the hell?
You know, at least I got my job completed.
I got my coffee, but man, how does that guy get out of bed, let alone get a job?
How did that guy, you know, it was almost like he was waiting for me to make fun of him for being a weak little, you know, whatever, you know,
because everybody says, thanks, man.
Isn't that pretty standard?
Yeah, yeah, it is.
And he could not wait to like whip his head around and go, did you just call me ma'am?
I'm like, no.
I said, thanks, man.
And then he like, you know, took his head and wouldn't even like address me like, oh, sorry, it sounded different or nothing.
He just whipped his head around and wouldn't even look at me after that.
And I was like, what the fuck?
I mean, look, I know they can't find help, but this guy, he I don't know how the fuck he even goes out in public.
I mean, you know, I wanted to like go get him a Linus blanket and say, here, maybe this will help, buddy.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a good time of year to do that.
Yeah, yeah, you know, you can you can like, since we're in the giving mood.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe grab a little fucking stuffed toy that he can squeeze on or so.
I don't know.
Yeah.
So that was the weirdest damn thing. And above all, you have this guy working with the public in a drive through that guy had to have done this to everybody.
The wind, which wasn't that strong anyhow, was too much for him to handle and he couldn't deal with it that day.
His anxiety riddled over wind.
And then he is all freaked out because he thought I called him ma'am.
What's up?
I mean, I don't know. I'm just having a lot of what the fuck in this whole thing.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
So anyhow, that's, you know, that's my McDonald's story.
It's the way things are, I guess.
Right.
Yeah.
Well, I got a quick little update.
Okay.
You can call it Rob's Rasslin' Roundup or not.
Well, hang on then. Hang on, hang on. Are you doing an official Rob's Rasslin' Roundup or not?
Well, I'm just going to throw out a change they have made in the schedule.
Okay, then it's not an official Rob's Rasslin' Roundup.
So I don't have to do the intro or not?
No, no, no, no.
Okay.
This is just for people. This has to do with Christmas Day.
Okay.
I'll just go ahead and go into it.
Okay, go ahead.
The superstars of Monday Night Raw will be able to spend Christmas Day with their loved ones rather than compete on a three hour show.
With Christmas Day falling on Monday this year, there have been questions as to what this means for the red brand.
In the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, it was planned out that no show is being taped for the December 25th episode of the red brand.
Instead, the plan is for a best of 2023 show to fill the three hours instead.
While WWE hasn't publicly confirmed this plan, one executive told the Observer that to the best of his knowledge, the reports of a best of show are accurate.
So if you plan on watching a new episode of Monday Night Raw on Christmas night, sounds like you had a lot.
There you go.
Rob broke the story here on Two Dudes, Pags and Microphone.
How are you, Rob?
You're welcome.
Alright.
That was not an official Rob's Wrestling Roundup, though.
No, no, no.
That was just so everybody don't waste your time Christmas-y.
Because believe me, we have a promo for that that I added a little bit to it, a little bit of spice to it, Rob.
I think you're going to like it.
Good, good.
Good.
Well, going back to that guy at McDonald's really quick, you know, what I should have done was offer him the sour candy.
You know why?
Why?
A popular trend claims sour candy as a means of avoiding anxiety and panic attacks.
This is because the brain is momentarily distracted by an intense taste,
elevating that sense in the body and taking the mind off anxiety or panic at hand.
Experts agree that while the technique may be helpful in some situations,
more sustainable coping habits are recommended for long-term success.
But maybe I could have offered him like, I don't know, a sour apple something.
And maybe we've been able to keep the door open, the window open a little bit longer
and not try to slam someone's fingers in it because the wind was just freaking them out.
Yeah.
You'd do that?
I probably should have done that, right?
Yeah.
Well, I feel kind of bad for missing the boat, but you know, I mean, you can't hit them all.
Everything's not a home run, right?
Right.
As we know on this podcast, right?
Yeah, definitely. Definitely.
Yep.
So, okay, do you know you get a pizza delivered every now and then, right?
Like I do?
Yeah. Yeah.
You just don't feel like going out.
And you're like, you know, I could run down and go to the drive-thru or run in and grab it real quick,
call it in or whatever.
But you're just like, you know what?
No, I'm going to sit here and scratch my nuts.
And someone's going to come to my door and I'm going to grab the pizza from them.
And I'm going to come back, sit on the couch and scratch my nuts.
But this time I'm going to be eating pizza while I'm scratching my nuts, right?
Yeah.
Well, there's a new way to thank your delivery drivers with even more than a tip this holiday season.
This week, Pizza Hut is giving customers a reverse delivery doormat
that gives delivery drivers a free box of pizza when they drop off an order.
That's pretty cool, isn't it?
Yeah.
So if you have that mat, it means they get a free pizza that you reverse delivered it.
You're like, hey, here, here, thanks a lot, buddy.
Thanks for giving me my pizza.
Now you get one.
The mat, which is available for free online from December 6th through December 10th.
So you better hurry up.
Well, you know what, by the time this is posted, I hope you guys read this article before I did.
So it has a QR code for delivery drivers.
And when scan leads to shop at Pizza Hut dot com, here,
any delivery driver can redeem a gift card code from Pizza Hut and snag a free pizza.
Delivery drivers are eligible for one free gift card and can scan the code to grab the freebie through December 27th.
The doormat deal is meant to thank delivery drivers during the busy holiday season,
a time when they work countless hours to spread joy to families across the country,
according to the release from Pizza Hut.
But if you really want to spread joy to someone, you don't order them from Pizza Hut.
Now, actually, I had a Pizza Hut pizza not too long ago, and it was actually pretty good.
I was very surprised because when I left them where they were, they were not so good.
But it could be an anomaly.
I mean, you know, places like that really depends on the help they have.
So they could have just had a they could have had a moment where they had really good help.
And I just happened to hit him just right.
So let's take our second break and we're going to come back with some more fun and bullshit.
I said it first. Good times. Good times. Good times.
What is that, Rob? Fun and bullshit? Yeah, I'm bullshit.
All right. Let's say it together. More fun and bullshit. See you in a minute.
Break Shit House Energy Drink. That's right.
Break Shit House Energy Drink. Make men feel good.
You want your balls? You want to fuck shit up?
You want to force government across America?
Break Shit House is for you.
Please enjoy Break Shit House Energy Drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere because of liability issues.
Oh shit. What's that over there? Oh no. It's island of horrible jokes.
I put a wooden shoe in my toilet. I guess it was clogged.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Mate, you'll forever feel yourself on a library.
And the pocket is not even in there.
Hello? Hello? You still there? You were still listening.
You must be really fucking bored.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You have more dick in your personality than you do in your ass.
You douchebags in a microphone, raw and uncensored.
See behind the smoke show.
Watch as the douchebags get stung by a scorpion beast.
Enjoy one of many coffee houses ordering our heroes out.
Watch Mark revisit Clinton, Missouri to claim his innocence for all the mad shitter accusations.
Act now and get both high quality DVD sets and a free douchebag calendar.
Mark off the day with a douchebag looking at you.
Supplies are limited so act now.
Hi, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, Rob, did I tell you I bought a Jackson Flyin' V guitar?
Yeah, you mentioned that last podcast.
Oh, I did? Okay.
Yeah, you mentioned it, but you didn't go into very good detail.
Okay, well I bought it from this place called Paul's Music.
It's in Blue Springs and Topher and I were, he wanted to go there and show me the place.
And I found it for a really incredible price.
And anyhow, this thing is a gem.
Man, it sounds good.
It sounds good and my Marshall amp, I think, needs a little work.
It's a little rusty because that, anyhow, I'm pretty impressed with it.
I was picking on it the other night and that fretboard is just, man, it's like grease lightning.
I love that fretboard.
I used to have a Jackson guitar in the 80s.
And anyhow, this was, I believe it was a, either Warren D. Martini or Jakey Lee style.
I can't remember which one endorsed.
It was Charvel Jackson at the time.
Now I think it's just Jackson.
I'm not for sure.
But anyhow, I remember how that fretboard was so nice and so easy to navigate.
I mean, even my fucking all thumbs, you know, did decent on it.
Anyhow, it just brought back a lot of memories.
That fretboard is just beautiful.
I love it.
So anyhow, I'll show you some pictures of it when I get a shot here, Rob.
Okay.
I might even post them too.
I don't know.
We'll see.
You know, McDonald's has a new gimmick here.
They want you to play with your food or at least your food shaped toys.
After more than 25 years off the market, the fast food mavericks are bringing back McNugget Buddies.
The nostalgic Happy Meal collectibles.
Do you remember them at all?
No.
I don't either.
I have no idea what they're talking about, but I guess they're pretty popular.
What?
25 years ago?
Yeah.
Starting on December 11th, six different McNugget Buddy collectibles, each with different outfits and backstories, will be available at McDonald's nationwide.
The toys reprisal comes in partnership with New York City based artist, Kerwin Frost, who helped redesign the mascots and create a meal for fans to order.
The new buddies are inspired by Frost's childhood in Harlem, and one of the toys is a miniature version of the DJ, aptly named Kerwin Frost, and adorned with a matching face tattoo.
The other McNugget Buddies are Don Bernice, Uptown Moe, Waffa Tootoo, Brrrrk, and Darla.
This toy is decked out in interchangeable outfits, and I think that is what awaits you in hell if you're going to hell when you die.
Yeah.
Sounds like it.
Yes.
That could not sound dumber to me.
Could not make me not want to buy a McNugget meal any less.
So, anyhow, but while we're on the subject of McDonald's, they came out with it.
Remember last podcast, I was talking about the Cosmics?
Yeah, Cosmic.
Anyhow, they came out with a menu of these Cosmic, these smaller little McDonald's stores that they're going to just saturate the whole market with, because that's what you do when your sales aren't doing really good.
You come out with more stores everywhere, right?
Yeah.
So, anyhow, the first thing that I noticed on the menu was they have these things called Galactic Boosts.
These are energy drinks that are like slushies.
You see the angle they're taking, Rob?
Yeah.
Sour cherry energy burst.
They're going after the teenage market.
Uh-huh.
With these energy drinks.
It's brilliant, really, because like I mentioned on the last podcast about when I mentioned the Cosmics or Cosmax or whatever you want to call them.
They're kind of running on empty.
I mean, the two later generations, the Millennials and the Ziers, don't really seem to care about McDonald's.
They're like into Chipotle, the fresh, never frozen stuff.
They're not really into beef that much.
No, they're more into chicken or turkey or something.
You know, kale, tofu, ugh, kale.
Anyhow, so I see the angle they're taking.
All the kids are into energy drinks, so they're going to make it into a candified energy drink that's a slushie.
Brilliant, right?
Yeah.
Okay, so the sour cherry energy burst, tart cherry slush blended over truity popping boba.
Oh, it's got boba in it and a boost of energy.
Berry hibiscus sour aid.
Tart lemonade mixed with a sweet berry probiotic blend served with dry lemon wheel over ice.
Island pick me up.
Punch.
Punched up berry powered lemonade with dried strawberries.
Women's gripper slipper, dark elm, medium and bombas.
Blueberry ginger boost, a vitamin C boosted blueberry ginger.
Green tea served with dried blueberries and a lemon wheel.
Slushies and frappes.
Chai frappe burst, popping pear slush, pomegranate, hibiscus slush.
Some of these actually sound pretty good, don't they?
Cold brew frappe and a churro frappe.
So I guess it would be like the Mexican treat, a churro.
It's a frappe.
Ice teas and lemonades, tropical spice aid, blackberry mint green tea, sour tango lemonade, sweet tea.
Half and half, ice tea, black tea or green tea.
So that would be like an Arnold Palmer with black or green tea.
You only mentioned one that would interest me.
What's that one?
Sweet tea.
Oh well, you can always get one of them if you're near a Cosmac.
I'm not into all that fruity stuff.
Okay. No, well, I'm not either.
But I did like a couple of those ideas. I thought if they're done right, I would get one all the time.
I might grab one here or there.
The cold brew, the brews that they're coming up with kind of sound pretty good.
They have a S'mores cold brew, which could be, it could be really good.
Terminix spice latte or turmeric, turmeric, I guess, whatever.
Cold brew, ice coffee, latte, chai tea latte, cappuccino, mocha, hot chocolate, hot tea, black, green or peppermint.
And then, the sandwiches though.
There is not that many sandwiches on this menu. It's weird.
There's a spicy queso sandwich, omelet style egg with sausage, spicy queso sauce, white cheddar cheese, and crispy jalapeno chips on a Breo bun.
Creamy avocado tomatillo sandwich, omelet style egg with applewood bacon, creamy avocado tomatillo sauce, and white cheddar cheese on a broche bun.
Those are the only two sandwiches they serve, Rob. That's it.
Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So like the burger place is not offering burgers at their new joints. That's interesting.
Then they have bites is what they call them.
Pretzel bites with spicy queso, herb ranch dressing, or hot mustard.
Now pretzel bite with hot mustard sounds delicious to me. Yeah.
Savory hash brown bites. Nothing bad sounded about that, did it?
No. Mcpops with apple cinnamon hazelnut cookie butter or mixed bag.
And then baked goods. Blueberry lemon cookie, sea salt chocolate chip cookie, caramel fudge brownie.
All those sound good. Okay.
And then now when we're speaking our language just a little bit more, soft serve ice cream.
Cones chocolate vanilla or a twist. Shakes citrus and cream vanilla strawberry and chocolate.
Sundaes caramel fudge brownie blueberry lemon cookie and caramel hot fudge.
And from the McDonald's universe. Do what?
I was just going to say that right there is going to be their downfall.
When has McDonald's ice cream machines ever worked?
Never. I was going to cut. Just saying.
We're on the same wavelength, Rob. 100%.
They better have 10 ice cream machines there so they can have two of them up at one time.
I firmly believe on the days that the ice cream machine is down they should have their flag at half staff.
I agree. It should say there should be a warning.
And it's like oh half staff now. I'm not going there. Yeah. It's bullshit.
And then from the McDonald's universe they're going to serve a McMuffin, egg bacon or sausage McMuffin,
a McFlurry Oreo M&M and strawberry and cookie.
So that is all the menu that they let loose. I think that that is pretty much her full menu.
Interesting how they don't have any burgers on there at all. No McNuggets.
No McRibs. No nothing. Just some spicy queso sandwiches and kind of almost like a breakfast joint a little bit.
Yeah. But like you said, it sounds like they're aiming for the younger crowd.
Yeah with those energy boosts? Yes. That's exactly what they're doing.
Even the sandwiches. Yeah.
That sounds more like what the younger crowd would eat.
Yes. It does. Yep. Yeah. So I mean you know what? We'll see if they work.
I mean they plan on saturating the market from what I could understand.
They're going to like put them all over these little bitty little Cosmics.
So we'll see. It's either going to hit really big or it's going to be just a complete dismal failure.
It's going to be interesting to see how these things go.
I'm telling you the ice cream machines are going to take them out.
I would agree. Okay. Rob, you got anything you want to go into? You said you had a story?
Yeah. Well actually as I said earlier, my brother, my mom came down for a visit today.
Sounds good. And we sat and visited and then we ran up to the Chuck Wags and Cafe right up the road here.
Very good place. Had lunch and we came back to visit some more.
Well, this is the same brother that has been known to email you and is known to the show.
I think everybody out there knows him that's been listening for a while.
Yeah. Yeah. The ex-prison guard. Yes.
Well, he has always been strange. The moment he found out...
That's why we like him.
...become a minister online, he went and bit it.
He goes through weird certifications.
Okay.
Well, you remember that story about that country, sea land population of one that you talked about the other night?
Yeah, right off the British coast. Yes.
Yeah. Well, my brother looked into that.
And while he was here today, I'm not joking. This is honest to goodness' truth.
My brother looked into it and he filled out paperwork for principality.
He showed me the email. He has been accepted.
And when he got home today, he said, update, my paperwork for principality of sea land is in route to the U.S. according to my email.
He's actually going to be a diplomat of sea land and anybody can do it. Anybody can do it.
Okay.
It's even going to be signed by...what was his name? Michael Bates.
Yeah. Yes.
Yeah. It's even going to be signed by Michael Bates.
Okay. You got to have your brother over. You got to have your brother over. And when he becomes a diplomat, we got to interview him.
I will put him on the air.
We need him on the air. We need to interview him. We have a diplomat. We have a diplomat.
He actually showed me the email.
We need more listeners like your brother. It's fucking awesome.
No. He listens about the same time I do. In the morning. Yeah. When they first come out. Yeah.
He listens every day.
He's one of the faithful. And here's what it is. And he's one of these guys because there's people that are waiting in the brush. And I love these people.
Okay. I'll sit there. And I used to try to kind of joke them out a little bit. And I was releasing them in the afternoon.
Okay. Right before I went to work. Well, not afternoon, but mid-morning. Right before I went to work.
I'd throw them up right then. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to change it and see if these same people...
Because as soon as I drop an episode, I get like, I don't know, 30 hits real quick.
Because they realize I just dropped an episode. I don't know if there's a way to get a notice or what. I don't know.
But as soon as I drop it, they have it. I mean, I'll go back like five minutes later. And then the faithful 30 is there.
They are. And I'm like, oh, wow, they got me. So I tried to switch up on him. I'm like, oh, man, I'm going to get him really good.
I'm going to throw one out late at night. Bam. Same 30.
I'm like, okay, I'm going to do it in the morning. I'm going to freak him out really bad.
Go back five minutes. Bam. Same 30. I don't know if that's an automatic down. Ask your brother if that's an automatic.
Hey, that's what I was going to ask you. Could that be automatic download?
It might be because I've tried. I've tried to juke them out just to see if I could. It doesn't matter.
Go ahead. What were you saying? I'm sorry. Well, I've mentioned on my heart that I listen to it on.
I'm set on on auto download. That must be what it is.
And that's how come suddenly I mean, you see, I didn't realize that now. I won't waste my time, I guess.
But I was just trying to freak him out by sending send it out in different times. I was just having fun with them.
Like, watch this. Watch this. But I wish everybody would do that.
I wish they would, too. Yeah. Hey, if you're a fan of the show, find out how they automatic download us and do that.
I mean, it gives you the opportunity. Do it. Do it. Please.
You follow and it says auto download. Just turn auto download on.
You see, on all my podcasts, I didn't know ours work like that because, I mean, sadly, I never really checked the logistics like that.
But on the podcast that I that I like, I have automatic download on them. And anyhow, I'll just go get it.
You know, I mean, because like, you know, Kevin Keatsman, his local sports talk guy here in Kansas City.
And and he I mean, to me, his remarks weren't really controversial, but it kind of got him canceled.
And anyhow, I still like the guy and I still like listening to him and I love his sports takes and and a lot of his other opinions, too.
And so through that pod being pod being that he uses, it just automatically downloads on my phone.
And so I may not listen to him that day or even that week.
And then when I'm like one day, I don't have a whole lot going on.
I'm going to start going through the Keatsman episodes that it downloaded automatically every day.
And I love that because I'm like, OK, let's see what I miss.
OK, listen, that one, listen now. Oh, here's a new one.
Oh, OK. I left off on the 10th and then I got till the 20th.
I got like seven or eight episodes. I'm like, oh, OK.
And then I just start systemically going through them.
And so there's like no harm in, you know, mass in having an automatic download.
You don't have to listen to them right then.
It just it's just like you don't miss an episode.
It's on your phone, then you just go back and get it when you're ready to listen to it.
Right. Yeah. Yeah.
And I do that with a lot of different ones.
I haven't figured out.
I guess I could go through I Heart Media maybe or something.
But, you know, I listen to Bubba show and I mean, you know, I wouldn't mind automatically downloading that.
But I listen to a live stream of their show because they play at 24 seven on I think it's called Bubba Army Radio.
So I listen to it like that and I just listen to it in real time, you know, like going to work, coming home from work, stuff like that.
So I don't really have that much of a need to have an automatic download on his.
But there's other shows that I have an automatically automatic download a lot of YouTube stuff.
You know, I listen to Man Cal still whenever he does a show.
I think he does one once a week generally.
And it's automatically download.
And I just, you know, I might get to it.
He does it, I think, every Monday night.
I might get to it Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
But it's there, you see.
So what I'm saying is this right here.
You can just have it automatically downloaded and just have it on your phone for when you're ready for it.
Right.
And also a lot of people do this when you can have it set somehow.
I'm not quite sure how to do this, but you can Google it and look it up.
Have it set to where when you're in a strong Wi-Fi place, it starts downloading your episodes so it doesn't burn your data.
That's a smart idea right there, too.
So anyhow, just a thought.
If you love us, you'll do it, right?
Yep. Yep. You will. Yep.
All right. Well, we're getting towards the end of this podcast.
I was trying to think. Oh, emails.
OK. I still haven't located them, but I think I know where I put them.
OK. I was going out to the hot tub and I was going to check the chemicals and I had my work with me.
And I think I stuck them in the laundry basket because you have to walk through the laundry room to get to the hot tub outside.
Right. I think I got to go look.
But I think I stuck them on top of the laundry basket in the laundry room.
And I think they've been sitting there ever since because I have like eight emails that at the time I was caught up with.
But I'm not caught up now because I haven't kept up with them.
But there's like eight emails that I had there that I was going to get to and get caught up with them at the time.
And I could not find them for like two or three, what, two weeks now or three weeks.
Now it's just been like a week. Oh, it's just been a week. OK.
That's just me thinking it's longer. OK.
Well, I think I've located them.
And if I didn't, I apologize. But I think they're in the back.
I think they're in the laundry room.
And I'm pretty sure when I was going outside to check the chemicals, I think I had sat.
I think I sat down on the laundry basket.
And that's why I could not find them anywhere because I would not think that they'd be in a laundry basket. Right.
Right. So anyhow, if that's the case, tomorrow night I will be reading emails.
If it's not the case, then I don't know where the fuck they're at.
And I apologize. So and there's a couple of really good ones in there.
I wish I could remember exactly what they were. I jot them down and just tell you.
But I think I can find them. I think I know where they're at.
So just hang with me. I'll get those emails. I'll get them out. I'll read them to you.
So anyhow. All right, Rob, you got anything you want to add?
That's about all I had for tonight. All right.
Everybody have a great night and we're going to do another podcast tomorrow night.
This will be posted. I'm hoping to post this maybe tomorrow morning.
So anyhow, everybody have a great night. Thank you for listening.
Good night, everybody.
Hey, where do they go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.