Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas!
You're still a fucking asshole.
Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri
From the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River
It's two douchebags and a microphone podcast.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Joe Buck and Troy Aitman are being all televised in radio games of the NFL this year.
We are to dispell the microphone.
As charming as a leaky sewer pipe.
Hello, this is Satan. You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than
listening to two douchebags and microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.
Enjoy.
Two douchebags and microphone, I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Alright, we have some invisible ass paddlings coming up, but first off, we have a couple of Tyreek Hill stories.
Oh cool.
Yeah, he can't keep his mouth shut.
He's always in the news, isn't he?
Yeah, he is. Let me say this, Tyreek has more stories than the Empire State Building.
On why he left the Chiefs.
But we'll get to that in a minute.
First off, Miami Gardens, Florida, the cameraman who recorded Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill's backflip celebration
after a touchdown earlier this season has had his game credentials revoked.
We can confirm that the league pulled his game day credentials for this season, the NFL told NBC Sports on Wednesday.
So Kevin Fitzgibbons, who was a student at the University of Miami, posted a video on social media Tuesday night
that claims the NFL suspended him for his participation in the stunt during the October 15 home game against the Carolina Panthers.
Fitzgibbons said that the NFL has suspended him for a remainder of the season and possibly for good.
Tyreek worked out a deal with Fitzgibbons that when he scored a touchdown, this is what I read allegedly,
a touchdown he would grab the man's cell phone and snap a selfie.
I hope Tyreek pays his wages for that little stunt because now that guy is not getting paid.
And then, while we're speaking of Tyreek Hill and the reason I say he has more stories than the Empire State Building,
Tyreek Hill said he was jealous of Travis Kelsey's relationship with Patrick Mahomes and that's why he left Kansas City.
I thought it was Drew Rosenamp.
Yeah, I thought it was his agent.
Yeah, it was supposedly his agent that did it.
Yeah, his agent.
Yeah, so.
I found our stories changing again.
Pat and Kelsey and I was kind of jealous of Mitted Hill to Robert Griffin III.
Patrick, you ain't never invite me over to your house like you did Kelsey.
You always invited Kelsey, he continued.
That's why we were here where we're at now is what he said.
Hill would continue by making comments rooted in misogyny, but the point he was making is clear.
He wanted to be Mahomes' favorite target and that would never happen with the greatest tight end of all time on the roster.
That's what the article said, not me.
And he could be, I don't know, the Chiefs may face Hill again in the playoffs and it's safe to say the trade ultimately worked out well for both parties.
Hill is on pace for the most receiving yards in NFL history, while Kansas City won the Super Bowl last year and City is a favorite to win the AFC once again.
Until Hill gets to face the Chiefs again, it seems like he'll just keep talking and stay way, you know, talking in the news.
So, okay then.
All right, all the different stories he came out with and to me it was to save face.
He stepped on his dick and everybody knows it and he doesn't like the fact that the Chiefs went on and won the Super Bowl without him.
They thought they couldn't do it without him, but they didn't miss a beat.
Matter of fact, they're a much better team it looks like defensively.
I mean, what can you say? He went for the money, he didn't go for winning. So there you go, Tyreek, you got the money. Be happy.
Be happy.
In other words, he's kicking his own ass right now.
Yeah, that's what I think is going on.
We all do it at one point.
Yes. Tyreek, just shut up. Do yourself a favor. Quit talking about it.
Stop blaming everybody else.
Yeah.
Take the blame, dude.
Act like you meant to be there.
Talk about it.
Act like that's what you meant and stick with it.
And go, yeah, you know what? We're going to win a Super Bowl here eventually. I don't care.
You know, or you know what? I wanted to be in Miami and not Kansas City. I don't care.
But stick to it.
You know, it wasn't your agent.
You know, like he claimed a few weeks ago.
He's starting to sound scorned.
Above all, nobody cares.
I mean, we got a Super Bowl and you got a few dollars more.
So there you go.
Win-win, right?
So anyhow, we have some invisible ass paddlings.
And Tyreek should be on that list, but I think we already ass paddled him out.
So it doesn't, you know, it'd be redundant.
No, he's in a whole thing.
Oh, that's right. That's right. Okay.
Okay.
All right.
So invisible ass paddlings like this and me and Topher walking on the beach and we're not holding hands,
although this is what Rob says and his brothers say this, that we're holding hands, but we're not holding hands.
We're walking on the beach in the sunrise.
The wind was blowing through our hair and I stubbed my toe on a bottle.
I looked down and Topher's like, oh, hey, dude, that looks like a genie bottle.
Had a cork in it.
So I go over there and I'm like, oh man, my fucking toe.
And I take out the cork and a genie pops out.
And we're like, hey, we get three wishes.
And the genie was very condescending.
He doesn't like us very well.
He's like, no, you get one wish, you idiots.
And I suggest you use it wisely, you know, like world peace or end world hunger or end of the droughts or whatever.
But no, we decide to paddle people's asses invisibly.
We want to be invisible that way one of us can hold the people down and the other one can paddle paddle them on the ass.
So that's where you get the invisible as paddling.
So, Rob, are you are you still sticking with us holding hands or not?
No, I do not believe it.
I think your arms were wrapped around each other.
Yeah, I am.
It was definitely broke beach.
It was not, but you know what, I can't get Rob and his brother to get off of that.
So whatever.
So anyhow, so we have invisible as paddling.
OK, first one up for the as paddling is sports illustrated for having a I produce articles with fake people allegedly.
Yep.
I would agree.
Yep. And it was so bad that allegedly that they even came up with fake names for the reporters.
Next one, the Casey Streetcar Authority for underestimating the cost to extend to the riverfront by 75 percent.
They missed the price by 75 percent.
I've been reading about that.
It's 75 percent higher than what they than what they thought it was going to be.
How do you miss something by 75 percent, Rob?
Inflation isn't 75 percent.
No.
I there is no answer to that.
No, no.
Next one, Buffalo Bills for accusing NFL refs of swaying the game in favor of the Eagles.
I do believe they influence games, but everyone has to put up with it.
It's just whining at this point.
Look, the Bills could have done themselves a lot of favors by playing better.
They are where they were.
They are at because they are not playing well.
I'm going online and seeing all the Bills mafia whining and crying about it.
Don't.
That just makes you look pathetic.
Stop it.
Just admit that your team isn't as good as you thought they were going into this season,
and you guys are going to rebuild and you're going to build back better.
Right?
Yeah.
All right.
Next one, NFL refs getting ass-paddling for giving enough reason to be in question.
Too many sloppy calls or missed calls?
Yep.
Yep, yep, yep.
Yeah.
And that's how come people get this idea that you're influencing...
Well, I think you are influencing games, yeah.
But that's why people think that you're outright rigging games is because the missed calls are so bad
that they refuse to believe that anybody is that unintelligent to miss them that bad.
Right?
Yep.
Next one, Chuck Schumer for anti-Semitic remarks that he allegedly said,
the Senator has been very critical of many other political figures.
He, you know, he should look in the mirror.
Bigot, in my humble opinion.
If he said what they say he said, and I'm relatively sure he did,
he is a bigot and anti-Semitism remarks are horrible and deplorable.
He is a guy that made a living pointing a finger at Donald Trump and other people,
and I'm not saying I like any of the people I'm mentioning or nothing,
but pointing at all these people and saying they're bigots and they're the problem in America
and they're holding people back when he does shit just as bad if not worse.
So, I believe you probably said these remarks Chuck Schumer.
Now it's time for you to step down and get cancelled because you said them.
Allegedly.
Yep.
Next one, AI inventor, that's artificial intelligence,
inventor Alan Turning gets an ass-paddling because of the new conundrum we are now facing.
The new norm is constantly wondered and proving is something real.
Yeah, the slippery slope has begun Rob, like we said.
We've been talking about this for a while.
Yes.
Come on John, we need you.
Come on John Connor.
Yep, John Connor, we cannot get you fast enough.
We got the bat signal out.
Yep, John Connor, hurry up and get here, it's not getting any better.
It's getting worse.
Next one, Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni for taunting the fans at Arrowhead for a game we gave them.
The ten drop passes and red zone thrumbles was the culprit.
Go ahead bitch, hurt your arm by patting yourself on the back.
Hope we see you in February so Mahomes and Reed can de-pant you again motherfucker.
We'll see you in the Super Bowl again.
Yeah, and receive another ass-kicking.
Another Kelsey vs. Kelsey.
Something to talk about on their podcast.
You in my opinion are a sniveling little bitch.
Only sniveling little bitches do stuff like that.
So sniveling little bitch, I hope we see you in the Super Bowl so we can kick the shit out of you again.
Pussy.
That's what I like about Andy Reed.
We get our ass kicked.
Andy just says, yeah, we got our ass kicked.
Yeah, yeah, none of this sniveling shit.
No excuses.
Yeah, and if there's a lot of questionable calls he just goes, we should have played better.
Yeah, yeah, and honestly they should have.
Yep.
Yeah.
I agree man.
Yeah, Andy Reed has always been very, very humble about his wins and very, very humble.
Yeah, so.
The countless numbers, who gets the next ass-paddling?
It's the countless number of porch pirates that make consumers shift their schedules,
have neighbors watch, and have their merch sent to lockers at the local convenience mart
because their worthless, lazy ass refuses to work but would rather steal from working class families.
Every one of you porch pirates need to be hammered in the head with a fucking hatchet.
You guys suck.
Whole thing.
Yeah, whole thing.
That's whole thing.
You are slimy pieces of sludge that suck you bus off of the working people and fuck you.
You guys need a real ass-whipping every fucking day.
I just wrote it in black and white, you are in ass-paddling all things.
And you'll be the ass-paddled every day.
Every day.
This is an all points bulletin for an ass-paddling for all porch pirates.
My kids have stuff dropped off at our doorstep.
Yeah, you know.
I work hard for their money, I work hard for my money.
If Val isn't home, and I don't think anyone is going to be home, what I do is I try to
have it sent.
There's lockers down at the local convenience mart.
Yeah, and they will go put them in those lockers and give you the combination to open up that
locker and you just get them out of there.
And it sucks that I have to do that because part of Amazon's appeal is you order it at
home and it comes to your home and you don't have to do much of anything.
I'll just have it delivered out where I work.
Yep.
If need be.
I've had that done at my old job.
We don't have that problem around here.
It's a pretty close-knit apartment complex.
You are extremely lucky Rob that you don't have all that bullshit.
Well, it's an over 50 apartment complex.
Oh, okay.
And there's only 14 units.
Okay, well yeah, yeah.
Everybody watches out for everybody.
And another thing is we have people that are retired around us, like the guy right across
the road, and he watches too during the day because he's there.
So I mean, it isn't so bad on me, but I know other people that have to have shit sent to
their lockers constantly because if not, it will get stolen sure as shit because those
porch pirates right behind the Amazon truck and there's nothing they can do.
They can call the police, but the police aren't going to come out for that.
You know, they're too busy going to the next 30 murders in three hours here in Kansas City.
Right, right.
Yeah, yeah.
Pretty violent fucking place.
And down here there's different reasons.
I'm not going to go into it, but yeah, it's a bad place.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The pirates are the last thing to worry about.
Yeah, I know some of what you're talking about.
A small town in America is really affected by a lot of this stuff, so yeah.
All right, next one.
Retailers for the constant barrage of Christmas ads before Halloween even.
We used to be able to enjoy three great holidays in a row.
Now it seems like October 31st is the first day of pre-Christmas.
It's not even Halloween.
And it's very annoying because you walk into a major store, any of the major box stores,
and before you even see Halloween stuff, you see Christmas trees and yule tides.
And it's like, back it off.
Let's at least get close to Thanksgiving before you bring some of that shit in our face.
It really is annoying.
Yeah, come on.
What about the turkey that sacrificed himself for our country?
He sacrificed his life so you could have a good Thanksgiving day.
And that's the respect you give the poor guy?
So we could move here and get along with the people that were already here.
That's right.
Thanksgiving is one of my, it's my top holiday, honestly.
Just because of that.
Yeah, yep.
For all the immigrants that moved here, yeah.
I would agree.
Next one.
Yinling is getting an ass-whipping.
Can you believe that?
Oh.
Yinling, forgiven the, Yinling, forgiven the one tap allotted to the beer, to their seasonal specialty beer,
and leaving me with canned Yinling at my favorite watering hole.
That pisses me off.
The one thing that should be on tap is the regular, the regular, yeah, logger, the traditional logger.
But no, no, no, no, they gotta put the seasonal beer in there and then give me a fucking can.
It drives me nuts.
If I wanted in a can, I have cans at the house.
I have bottles at the house.
The reason I go to the watering hole to get it is because it's draft and it's much better.
Now I go there and I don't even get a draft one.
I get a canned one.
Well, I'm pissed, Yinling.
You already only have one tap around here because of all the other breweries.
And then you try to give me a can to make me happy?
No.
Bring back the original one and take the damn seasonals and make them drink cans out of them.
Yeah.
They're the temporary ones.
Yeah, yeah, like float them like...
They know what tastes better.
Yeah.
The draft toys taste better.
Float them like four fucking cases.
It'll last a month.
Then move on to the next one.
All right.
Special ass paddling goes to mice for chewing up wiring in my hot tub and costing me a lot of money.
I'm never with you, brother.
Little bastards.
Yep.
I got your back.
You know I got your back.
I know you do.
Little bastards had a little fucking mouse party in there and went to town and cost me a bunch of fucking dough.
Little bastards.
If I have to, we'll call in Brian and Davey and we'll gang up and hunt that little son of a bitch down.
And we'll ask, Pavel, you'll be in the Hall of Fame.
Oh, no.
You'll be a dead carcass.
You'll be on Mark's wall.
In his studio.
The rat that cost me a lot of money.
Or mouse.
It's probably a mouse.
Where that wiring is probably isn't big enough for a rat.
So anyhow.
All right.
Let's take a little...
I'll take a little field map.
Probably.
We're going to take a break and we'll be right back.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Let's see.
If a worm could talk, would it be argumentive?
I may never know.
When taking a shower, remember to scrub your ass.
And don't forget to wash your face.
When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water.
Because nobody likes a stinky asshole.
Why two douchebags and a microphone?
Because two fuckdots and a recorder was taken.
Oh lord.
That man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there.
Don't worry.
I have a clown nose.
Oh no.
That drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay.
I have a clown nose.
Clown nose.
Just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office?
Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
Hello?
You still there?
You were still listening.
You must be really fucking bored.
Alright, and we are back.
Rob, do you have anything you want to get into?
Yeah, I've got a hunting story for everybody.
Alright, sounds good.
And this is fresh out of Field and Stream.
Alright.
Okay, we're just going to call this gentleman Block because I ain't going to give his last name either.
Try.
Okay.
From Yorkton's statue on, saw a photo on his phone of what looked like a mature buck with a head of a dead buck firmly affixed to its antlers.
He thought his remote trail camera was glitching.
It looked like maybe the deer shook its head and the camera picked up the motion or something.
Hmm.
Later that day, November 22nd, a few more snapshots of the same deer showed that the camera was functioning just fine.
The white-tailed buck in his photos was walking around with the dead head of a much larger deer permanently attached to its 4x4 rat.
This was an 8-point buck.
Wow.
Okay, it was a 4x4, 8-point buck.
Uh-huh.
Roughly 48 hours later, he went out and tagged the extremely rare trophy.
Wow.
So, okay, let me see if I got this straight.
Okay, so the buck had another buck's head on its...
Hooked to its antlers.
Hooked to...
Wow.
Another dead buck.
Uh-huh.
So somehow...
He was dragging it around.
Oh, well, he was dragging it around.
Wow.
Well, I think that buck won.
It's dead head, it's dead, but the antlers were hooked and it couldn't shake loose, so he had to drag it around.
Wow.
Okay, now listen to this.
Okay.
Is it sure how the 8-point whitetail that he's now calling the two-headed buck got tangled up with the much larger 7x8?
Wow.
But it goes on to say they don't see how this smaller buck killed...yeah, this was 7 on one side, 8 on the other side.
Twice the size.
Wow.
Oh my God, yeah, I'm looking at...oh yeah, that thing is...oh no, it's just the head.
Yeah, it's just the head of the deer, not the whole body.
Somehow the body of the bigger buck is gone.
Okay, okay, so that makes a lot more sense because, I mean, how would it eat and everything?
I was like thinking about that just a little bit more in depth, and it's like, how would it eat by dragging around another one?
He probably couldn't lower his head enough.
I don't know, maybe he could.
I don't know.
Wow.
No, they're locked up tight. He ain't been able to eat from what it looks like.
Oh wow.
Because it's locked up in the front of his head.
Oh, I get it, it's in the way.
Yeah, it's hanging in front of his snout. I'm seeing a picture of it on the ground.
That's crazy.
Yeah, no, this guy, Brock, went and shot and ended up...yeah, it was just the head of the deer.
Okay, I thought it was the whole body, you know, it's the head.
Well, still...
Still, how did this smaller buck get locked up with this bigger one and the rest of the body go missing?
I don't know. I would love to know the answer to that, but I don't think we're ever going to know. How could you?
Yeah, this story does not go into it. I read the whole thing and it...
Yeah, it even says he is a 300 Winchester mag. It goes into deep detail.
Wow.
But it doesn't say how...I don't think anybody would know how they help.
Wow. What a story.
I just thought that was interesting. See how you have Canadian descent.
Yeah, I have relatives in Canada, yes.
And from the sounds of it, we probably have a few hunter fans.
I would think so, yeah. I bet anyone for Montrose...
You're talking about Montrose? I know you hunt. Is that your main...
Yeah, that's what I was going to say, down there in Henry County.
...southern baits, northern Henry County. Yeah, that's...you do a lot of deer hunting down there.
Hunting and fishing.
Yeah, hunting and fishing, so yeah.
Yep, especially the glowing carp for the fish fry. I'm all into that. What about you?
Oh yeah. If you grill them, or smoke them just right, carp is good.
Okay, I'll take your word on that because I have no interest in carp.
My dad did it once.
Really?
No, it was fine the way he cooked it.
He thought they were really greasy, so that would make sense you smoke them to dry them out.
Yeah, any other way.
No, a friend of mine used to cook them up and they looked extremely greasy, so I was like, no thanks.
But unfortunately, I can't ask him any longer, so...
Yeah, I got you. Yep, yep.
Now he's in the great beyond carp eating.
I'm thinking he smoked them.
I would bet so because they were so greasy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I would bet.
And plus, all the bones. It was all the bones.
I remember that being his thing about carp, all the bones.
Okay.
But you smoke them, it's all for the bones, you can eat the bones.
I know Bluegill and Bass are like that too. If you can get the bones out, you're fine.
Well, even catfish. Even catfish, they're a lot of bones.
They're little bitty bones too that could really hurt you if you ate them.
Anyhow, real quick before we get off of this abbreviated one, because we're both going to watch the Chiefs game.
It's Sunday night and you're going to get a best of whatever after this.
So we're giving you a half hour of good shit and then a half hour of good shit, but it's just not current shit.
Sorry, I've got to catch my cheese while I can. I can only watch Sunday night football right now.
That's right. So here we go.
They had a study on people where they fell asleep and where they fell asleep at.
22% fell asleep at work.
I thought it would be higher than that, didn't you?
Because I'm thinking lunch break too.
Yeah, yeah.
I can't count how many times I just put my head down between my arms and woke up like 10 minutes later.
But at that point you're clocked out.
Oh yeah, okay.
I've got to wrap this up. I just got a text and anyhow I got food getting cold.
10% at a bar or nightclub, 12% at work, 5% on the shitter, 27% when driving, 32% at financial seminar.
I thought that would be higher.
17% while having sex, 52% while watching TV or movie, and 7% at a sporting event, and 100% when listening to two douchebags and a microphone.
Hey! That was mean!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That was mean guys. Who wrote that?
Alright everybody, we're getting ready to send you to a Best Of.
Thank you for listening. Everybody have a great night.
Have a good night everybody.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Garlic mustard could and should be a go-to food during an apocalypse.
Garlic mustard is plentiful everywhere. It is actually an invasive weed, but it can be very delicious and easily taken from about any pasture.
Garlic mustard can be stewed or even pan-fried for delicious taste.
It can also be added to other ingredients, whether it's a salad or any other type of food to enhance it.
Garlic mustard should be a go-to staple during the apocalypse.
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