Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River
It's two douchebags and a microphone podcast
And now deep thoughts with Mark
So, let me see
Let's say I was offended by people being offended
Then would people being offended all the time would have to not be offended around me because I was offended by them being offended
Hmm I may never know
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Hello everybody, this is two douchebags and microphone. I am Mark
And I am Rob. All right
well
On this episode, I'm not sure what all we're gonna get to but we have invisible ass paddling because the genies granted us special
our special request because there's so many people doing stupid shit that needs ass paddling that we can do it more than once a month now
So we might get to that or we may not. We have a deer douchebags. We have emails
We have a bunch of stories like this story. I'm getting ready to go into a
Woman was found guilty of throwing her order at an employee of Gepotle
Because the the order arrived too slow according to the assailant
so the lady is in a Gepotle right and
And her order was a little too slow or maybe very slow
I don't know how slow exactly it was. They didn't give a time
But she got pissed off and she took her whole tray
And threw it at the woman that served her her food
Yeah, yeah, I mean pretty good little outburst there, right
So
You know now she has time to think about what she's done by working at a Gepotle herself
After her 90 days in the slammer
She gets to work off the other six months by doing the same job that she was so outraged
by enough to throw her a whole tray at an employee
So the judge said 90 days in the slammer and six months
You're working at Gepotle that you threw the food at the woman
In that great, okay. I for one totally agree with that. I say bravo
And you know what I say good judge good judge really good judge there
You know what I say people go in there and they say
What I say people go in there and fuck with her if you hear this podcast
Go in there and be as mean as you can call her a stupid whore
Make fun of her look at she's not much to look at make fun of her face
Now I mean just give her hell anyone that would do that deserves all the shit
She gets in my opinion
It was I saw the footage and she took her whole tray and just fucking launched it at that poor woman
That was serving the food now. It's her time to get some shit. So
Normally I would say not be that mean to someone but someone that would do that. I don't really care, you know
Now if a store was close enough, I go in there and fuck with her myself
All I got to say from this point on out is good luck dumbass
so
anyhow, I'm sure people are going to recognize her or
You know if that's a Gepotle that they go too often they're gonna be like, oh, yeah
Yeah, I remember this this is a chick that just got out of slammer for throwing her food at that one chick
Hmm, I guess I'll screw with her
So I think that was a pretty good little deal there
Yeah
anyhow, we have a little a new segment, right
The flick in the nuts the nipple yank and the ass cheek bite and this is playful
I'm ready for you. This is not mean this is playful. This is playful
Not trying to hurt somebody a playful nipple yank not trying to hurt somebody and a playful ass cheek bite
So Rob, I will let you get to
Your three first and if you want to you can explain why or just go just because
So
Yeah, all right, okay
Okay, my nipple yank
Okay
Goes to Jason Mimosa
Do you have any solid reason?
Reason being
Just to see if I can outrun it
Good luck with that one. I hope you can I
Hope I can do you never know. He might come up and go dude. That was real ballsy. I love you, man
He might
Okay, that was a good one
ass cheek bite
Cardi B
Because it's there
And I've been single way too long I don't blame you there buddy. Oh, I just like to be in the premise that would be great
awesome cool
Next
And for my net flake
Goes to my old friend mark for old times sake ah
Okay, we'll all have to give you one back at a later date
But you won't know when
So
You did damn it, okay, all right, I can't argue with that that's perfect dude. I love that
Okay
My flick in the nuts is first
It goes to none other than Ken Jennings
You know who Ken Jennings yeah
And the reason is cuz he's such a nerd
I'd like to see his reaction if you just walk up and just give him a little flick on the nuts. He probably I
Don't understand why you did that. I'm just standing. I don't think he's feeling he may not
He may not even have nuts. I don't know
Hey, hey, hey, hey, he might not even know
I think he's a feeling of pain. I think he's a eunuch. He just has nothing. He's a bolt smoothie. He's a Ken doll
Just nothing. He's a robot. I think he is too. I think he's a
Either was sent down here to yeah, I do too. Yeah, I don't think he's a real person or he's part of the Illuminati
He's part of the Illuminati Ken Jennings is
Don't you think I'm thinking more AI? Oh, okay. Okay AI
Okay, the nipple yank goes under the hose to none other than Mitch McConnell
Oh
When he's having one when he's having one of those fucking weird fucking meltdowns that he has where he doesn't know where he's at
Run up there go
That takes him out of it
I got one for you next time. Okay, and the ass cheek bite goes to Ruben stuttered
Just because I think he'd be like dude, that's fucking funny
Then I tell him hey, we're part of a douchebags and microphone
And this is just a little thing that we got going on nothing personal you understand. He'd probably like yeah, that's cool
Hey, hell, yeah, man. I get it. Yeah, wanna you want a bite of the juicy? That's right, man. Go ahead fucking munch away, buddy
so
anyhow
awesome
Hey, I got a quick update for you on our Facebook page. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, please do
It's been up and running how long a week a week. I'm a week just a week if that
Yeah, I think I got started Saturday, but nobody and I invited my friends
Immediately, but then nobody else knew about it till they heard it from our podcast
Okay, well in that short time we are up to a hundred and four visits
I believe it judging by how our numbers have just went through the roof, dude, dude
I believe it dude. I
Think that was a big help
Oh and coincidentally, we're talking about Iowa being like one of our biggest markets now
And how it just come out of nowhere. I have an email from Iowa that explains it and I'd love to see oh right on
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, very cool
Wow, that's excellent Rob. I man I I
Like I said, I'm a big fan of Iowa
man, I I
like I said before I
Didn't expect anything like this. I really did not we're just having fun with this
I didn't expect to be in the top 600. I didn't expect to have all this recognition and and
And a lot of people, you know reaching out and everybody telling us how good that you know that how?
How they enjoy the show how it makes them feel good how they enjoy humor. I mean
It's we're just starting. I know
Wait, oh I put the new promo so every anytime I tell anybody about this show. I
Tell them what we're about
Yes, you know, I tell them we we want to make you laugh. We don't want you think about what's going on in the world
We want you to laugh. Do you notice a good time? Do you notice how people?
Everybody appreciates that exactly. There's enough bad in the world
Everybody knows everybody knows what's political side there. Yeah, everybody knows what the other side's doing
Everybody knows what they like and don't like everybody has their own version of how everything should be they already know this
Nobody's changing anybody's mind at this point. So leave it alone. I want everybody
I'd rather sit here and tell you how I'd rather flick Mark in the nuts
Mark in the nuts, you know a friend of mine at work. He asked me about this show the other day and
I told him Nia. I hope you are listening
I told him that it's dick jokes and
fart jokes and
Yeah, that went that went over. Yeah. Yeah
And I said that's the best way to describe it and it is this dick and fart jokes and that's what we do
And we do it very well. We feel why don't I put the new promos in this show or maybe the show before
You heard a couple of them. Oh
Dude I'm liking it. Yeah, you played for me last night off there
There's actually eight new ones. I didn't get a chance to play play all of them for you
There's eight new ones that I had a Chad the voice guy do and like I told him we had several emails
Everybody loves Chad. Yeah, Chad is still
Chad I haven't even met him yet
Thank you Chad
Yeah, okay Chad is our voice guy as long as he's willing to do it
He is going to be our voice guy
He's like the KY 102 guy or or the 989 the rock guy, you know
They have their distinct voice guy. He's our voice guy, but I am using other voices just to switch things up
Because it just makes a better show, you know, like the I felt like the intro should be a different voice
Strange insults for an alien. I put a woman's voice on
A couple other little snippets. I put some women female voices on I have another males voice
There are some very old ones that I've done with the old guy Jim and
anyhow, Jim started doing this
thing where he charged like double for like
To put his stuff on a podcast. I was like, you know what that guy's good, but Chad's better and he doesn't do that
You know, you have to pay a little extra for full broadcast rights, but I expect that
but the old guy Jim he just started to like flaking out and like
Demanded to know what what it was going on and all that I'm like, okay
If you're that big time, then just go to a radio station
So anyhow, but anyhow Chad's our guy. He's gonna continue to be our guy and I know that people love him and we love him, too
He's not going anywhere. I've got eight new promos and
Bits with him on it. It's it. He's our voice guy. So
Okay
And also we have some promos coming up with my voice
Yes, we've got to
We got to sit down we work on but yeah, we're gonna do it
What we need is probably a couple of hours
because
You just let me know when I will Rob and it'll be like probably
Before or after a podcast that we do when we have a little extra time you go
Hey, Mark, I got 40 extra minutes and we're just gonna do them incrementally because of the
Okay. Okay, that'll work the dynamics of how the show is working right now in case anyone doesn't know
Rob is in Lake of the Ozarks and he calls in and I put him on Bluetooth and I'm here in the studio
I'm here in the talk is cheap studio Rob is there in
Camden in Missouri in the duck blind studio and the reason that is which is literally two and a half hours apart
Yes, so that's a dynamic of the show
So any bits that we do or any promos or skits that we do is got to be put together
Incrementally, so anyhow, that's how we're gonna do it. And that's how we have to do it. There's no other way to do it. So
Any hey, we're doing what we have to do
Everybody happy and still putting out a quality program. So trying to
Yep. Okay. Well, I have some emails like I said
Okay, we're gonna get to them right now
Okay, this just starts off like this you two are on to something at first I was mad when
Christopher wasn't doing shows. I was not a fan of Rob Rads
I'm happy to say I now love Rob. I still miss Christopher, but the show is still great Ron and Harrisonville
I've I've fielded quite a few ones like that at first. I didn't like you just because you were different, right?
They were used to a certain brand, right?
Right, right. I know I told I honestly
Put me get go. I have expected this. Yes me too, but I didn't expect people
I jump over so quick everybody that comes in second has to deal with
Yes, but your acceptance is really grown in our numbers and how what people are saying
Well, thank you Ron and Ron I have family in Harrisonville
I have a son who lives in Harrisonville Ron
If you know any of Rob's family if you know him or something, let us know send us back an email man
We'll get you on the show. So do you know anyone named Ron and Harrisonville or do you just simply not remember?
It's been so well
Okay, well anyhow
Well, I told you our family farm was out off double D off to highway I used to love the highway
Yeah, yeah, that's just south little ways over near the Amarillo right
Yeah, yeah, we were we're right before you got the Amarillo. Geez. We were like two and a half miles down
That's great gravel road drinking
country right there
Oh god, that's where I grew up driving dude. I was like 10 12 years old
Me and grandpa on his truck. I'm driving. Oh was it a four on the column?
No, no it was automatic
I was just wondering cuz I learned a four on the column to drive on
That was it. Yeah
Oh gosh, oh four on a column was a disaster especially for a 16 year old. Oh, but
Most people are going for on a column what the fuck is that?
It's a it's a manual
Gears what it is all it is is a manual transmission and you have to shift it into gears yourself while you hit a clutch
On the brake you have an extra pedal on the floor, but you know what okay? I'm just gonna go on
Anyhow great drinking country out there those gravel roads were perfect for drinking and all the
And even cast county cops back then they would just catch us and they who sober
So and so is can he drive? Yeah
Okay, put him behind the wheel and you guys go the fuck home
Okay, we're going and then if they drank they kept the beer and if they didn't drink
You watch him pour it out
So yeah, I grew up in Belton
Same thing in Belton and my grandparents farm was outside of this bill. I grew up in Belton back when Richard's goodbye
Was open. Oh, yeah the airbase. Yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah the blue angels flew over our house every year. Yeah, I remember watching the air show
I was in Cleveland, Missouri watching them actually and the blue angels part of their fight flight pattern
Came from over near Harrisonville circled round came around Cleveland and went back up north
Somewhere near on the other side of state line
Okay, the next one I just heard how you guys blew up overnight in Des Moines
I live here and I can tell you why
There is absolutely no entertaining radio here. Please keep them coming
Mark in Iowa parentheses West Des Moines West Des Moines is a nice area of Iowa. Thank you, Mark
Yeah, thank you, Mark. Yeah, thank you for the email
Anyhow Des Moines. Thank you. Thank you. We appreciate that
I'll take your word on the radio
By the way, Mark
Up in Iowa, let us know about these truckers missing if you know anything about them
Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He just sent this a couple of days ago
I don't know if he may not have heard the podcast yet. I don't know
Okay. Well Mark, if you know anything about this send us an email so
Okay, then the next one again, you guys suck. Please quit
Me and the USA. They're not gonna get me
Please quit me and the USA. This is the same guy
And once again, it's easier for you not to listen to us
Right
Okay
Okay, we suck. We we suck we get it. Can we move on we get it? Yeah, fuck you
You don't want to listen to us. Don't listen to us. Yeah, we get it. We suck. Thank you. Okay, let's move on
That's that that's that's what we want to do
Yeah, thank you. Yeah, we take that as a compliment. Yeah. Thank you. I'm glad we suck
Now now go back to being miserable and he signed it me and the USA
Listen me
I don't give a fuck what your name is sign your name. Who cares? What are you afraid? Oh, uh billy there's little girls
what I
Anyhow, um
Just signing me in the USA is such a pussy move. I don't have to say anything more about it. I mean
You know anyone that would just me and the USA that means you're hiding something. What are you hiding?
I mean really
Uh, do I know you honestly you and I both know that's a lot of people. Yes it is
So we see the demographics again
Again, like I said, he could be from brussels belgium and we couldn't figure out who he was. Yeah, we have
Quite a few listeners over there. Yeah, I know that exploded too, which is so weird, dude
Yeah, that blows my mind. Yeah me too. So again me and the USA
Don't listen to us
I mean, it's easier for you not to listen to us. We're gonna kill we're gonna still be making crappy podcasts
So ignore us
Go go listen to whoever you like
Shane bow and bill bob or whoever
Shane bow and bill bob in the morning go get him listen to him
Yep. Yep. Listen to your nut hut fucking cookie cutter stuff
It's fine if that's what you like or or maybe you like rocket and teresa on mix 93 in the morning
Maybe that's more your flavor a bunch of ha ha ha. Oh teresa. Oh gosh. You're such a card. Oh stop stop
anyhow
The new segments are solid the deep thoughts make me laugh hard, especially the trash man one
I would agree the first one I ever did the trash. Yeah, that is the best one
Because I love it. Yeah, who who doesn't?
Want to like be a trash man for even a week and you find out like the people you're supposed to come to on friday
You go to on monday and in the morning they're trained to hear that
Uh
And all of a sudden like oh shit, you don't have time to think wait a minute
It's the wrong day
So first thing you do is you're running out there in your underwear with two bags of trash before you realize it's not your day
It's genius
Didn't one night me you brian and davy
Cleveland and think about that. Okay, didn't we come up with that? I thought you were gonna go somewhere else with that
Uh, no, no
No, do you remember how we sat on the spain drag in cleveland at like like a two three four o'clock in the morning?
I think that might have been where I got the idea idea to do that to be
J and his mom in belvedere. I did that too
Me and a friend. I think it was you that came up with it
Well, if I came up with it up there down town cleveland
I actually did it a few years later to bj and his mom. We took every piece of j
Yeah, yeah, yeah bj bj. Yeah bj bj. We took every bed of trash in belvedere and stuck it on his front lawn
We were such motherfuckers
Did he know it was you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, I think I can't remember someone intervened and like took them all away
Or or took him to other place. I can't remember who it was. Someone said that they saw us doing it
I can't remember who the fuck it was. But anyhow, yeah, we did it and he knows we did it
So anyhow, that's all that counts to me is he knows we did it. So that's awesome. Yeah, I grew up with him
Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah
Um anyhow, um, okay, so especially the trash man one
Jill and maddie jilly and maddie in san bernardino and that would be california. Thank you for listening
Thank you. Yeah. Yeah
Quite a diverse different areas of people listening. Wow
Yeah
well, well I
I know
Very fact that eric in oceanside is still listening
Okay
The one that won my ass off
Pictures. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's right, dude. We're gonna be good friends
Good, that's cool. And uh, he's uh, he started up a new company
and uh
Well when he gives me word to do it i'm gonna start throwing him on the air for his new company
Okay, sure. That sounds great. Oh speaking of what would you say? We'll just say let's put it this way
He's he's a skateboarder and he's 52 years old
Uh, tony hawks in his 50s. He still boards like exactly. Um
So he's not he's never been as big as tony but no, that's cool. He does he well just just saying
He's got his own
uh brand of board now
We will gladly pimp that anytime he's ready for that just uh, yeah, that's yeah, i've just been waiting on the word
Um, have no he's been a great guy. I'm glad I met him through this
He's a great guy. No because he sent you an ass picture because I demanded people send you ass pictures. Yeah
Good good job eric in uh, what is it? Well eric in oceanside is in it. I told him
off there I do
I want to make sure it was you and he sent me a note. Yeah, it was him
That's awesome
That's great
Real quick speaking of businesses. I have some sad news
Our friend hope dylan
From the daily kitchen right next to city market coffee
She has decided to retire and this is her last week. She was our first, uh, sponsor
And uh, oh my god
Anyhow, yeah, she's just getting tired of the daily grind and wants to stop probably wants to travel or something
You know, I mean she's traveled a lot in her life probably just wants to take it easy
So she has decided to retire. I was over there writing material the other day and uh,
anyhow, um, she had another lady there that informed me of this and uh,
Anyhow, I had a feeling it was kind of coming by the way
Hope was kind of talking there last couple of times. I was up there before that
And uh anyhow shit, but i'm happy for her. She wants to retire and she's going to so god bless her
Um, I hope you have a wonderful rest of your life. Hope um, and uh,
Thanks for uh, thanks for all the freebies you threw my way when I was out there writing shit up. Appreciate it
So anyhow, um, I just want to say
I really wish I could have got the chance to meet you. I know I know
From the bottom of my heart
Well, you know what? I'm gonna try to make it up there before it's officially over and uh,
Maybe we can like I don't know have her call in or something. Uh,
What uh, when did you say?
Yeah, the the end of the end of this week. I think sunday's gonna be their last day there. Oh, yeah
So, um, make it up there
Well, you know we have her call in or something. Um later
so
Yeah, let's do that because I would like to meet her
Yeah, and thank her personally and I mean I love for her to come on the podcast
You know, she had her own radio show on the comedy
On the comedy. Uh, yeah, there's a comedy network. Um,
Run out of the uptown theater in the 90s. It was a comedy channel on radio
It was up there in the am dial a bit, but he had a decent signal
You can pick it up in most areas of kansas city fairly well during the day and she had a cooking show on there
Yes, so she's familiar with radio and if she wants to come on we would love to have her on very interesting person
cool person to talk to
Um did a lot of travels in her life been all over the world. But anyhow, god bless her
Have a great retirement. We're gonna miss you up there at the city market. So
Um, okay moving on
Mark any way you can get some guests on the shows
Just wondering brad again in st. Louis. The reason he says brad again is he's wrote me several emails
All right, I think for and he's a really good guy
He keeps telling us about how he loves his show and certain bits and stuff
But like I said the complimentary ones that don't require any feedback
I I just don't have enough time to answer so I just let everybody know. Thank you. Thank you for the compliments
Thank you for supporting us
Um, he's written a few other ones. Okay brad. Yeah
Thank you, brad. What type of guests would you want on? I mean what what do you want us to do?
I mean we are a common
What here's my guess mark, here's my guess, okay, I started out as a guest calling him
Oh, okay, that's what he's talking about. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. You're right
Uh, okay brad brad in st. Louis if it's any different, let me know
That's right brad
You know what when we figure out a way to have more call-ins because of the setup the way it is right now
I can't but as soon as if I can figure out three-way calling or something call in
I will personally send you the number
Through your email and then you just call in who knows maybe you'll be the next douchebag
I mean rob's not going anywhere
I mean rob's not going anywhere, but you could be like rob used to be and be the third guy
so
Yeah, yeah, you're gonna have a battle on my ass. I've known marks since 1985 brother
I ain't giving up that damn easy
Now he doesn't want you to go anywhere. I'm sure he loves this. No, no, I know that i'm just kidding
I'm just kidding. Yeah, okay. All right next one handybags
Sure would be cool if you could do a live stream with calling capability
In my opinion the only thing the show is missing and he didn't leave a name
Alive a live screen a live stream is great
But the dynamics and the logistics in that are just so much
I mean, it's just
It's better doing it as a podcast right now. Let us get more feed on
Let us get more feed underneath us and we might be able to do that at a future time
Um, the only way honestly and honestly by doing that
You would actually be taking away from part of our shows
because you wouldn't be hearing the
commercials and the
Yes, yes, I agree. Well, we what I consider commercials. Well, yeah, you know you wouldn't be
It's the bit segment which everybody loves, you know
Everyone loves to hear a saying talking about how we listen to the show by warm fire
You know reflected on the souls of that day or or a strange insult from an alien
Or the island of horrible jokes or deep thoughts when marred or yeah, that's what I was gonna say deep thoughts by marr
Yeah, yeah, or uh things overheard in hell. You wouldn't hear any of those and not only that but the dynamic to doing that is youtube
You can do that live on youtube
But youtube has a bunch of weird rules about all this stuff and I I don't want to adhere to all that
I like this loosely based just it's a podcast. I like that. You can grab us whenever you want
I would like to be closer. Yes, I would it just that my life right now is not allowing me to be
This is the way it's got to be for the uh for the foreseen future
It will change like it always does in the future
Technology changes the way we do things changes and all that so we're not saying no
We're just saying not anytime soon. So just keep enjoying this like it is. There's nothing wrong with it
And yes, i'm going to invest in pro tools and i'm going to uh invest time in pro tools
Not just like buying them but also invest time and learn it really well. So you'll have an even better podcast
So a better sound so we we are going to be getting better
Yes, just it's going to take us a little time to build this up
Yeah
Okay, and finally
I have a caller you guys can broadcast. Oh, no, not oh shit. Okay
The ink is running. Okay. I have a seller you guys can broadcast from here in montrose
I live 10 feet from the junkyard campground and power plant
But i'm centrally located so you can enjoy all the local favorites signed buffalo bill
I think i'm gonna do a hard pass
I don't know, but I I think before christmas
This guy comes up comes out and tells us who he is
I think it's I think it's the same for him for christmas. I'll have to
I'll have to look at the email address. This guy is great. I like him
What's up, buddy? I like what do you say? He's 10 foot from the power plant the junkyard
He's 10 foot from everything in montrose
Yeah, perfect perfect place to set up like well that's right there toadie
He was listening. Yes, I know
That was a fucking good one man
Okay, I love it. I love it. How about we take our first break since we're well over 30 minutes into it
Yeah, yeah, I think we need to I need to catch my breath. I'm laughing too hard over that
Okay, um, um, but before bill of montrose, thank you for
For
Okay, we'll be right back in a minute I have a deer douchebags
The about what's just happened you don't know what to do
You don't know where to go
But we can tell you what you can eat
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Hey, look, I think we found land. Oh my god. I think we're safe. Oh no
It's the island of horrible jokes
Oh, what do you call a sleeping dinosaur a dinosaur?
Two douchebags and a microphone i'm mark
And i'm rob by the way, that was a buffalo bill of montrose, missouri the pride of henry county
I'm still giggling over that dude. I'm still laughing over here
Whoever that guy is he's really funny. I'd like him to call me. I love him. Keep it coming, dude
I'm gonna keep throwing it back at you. He uses a different name every time
So we don't know what his real name is whoever you are from montrose if you're from montrose
Man, i'll i'll throw you the number man. We'll figure a way to get you on man
He has got to be one of our biggest fans. It's gotta be he's been done as much as he does
Wow, uh rob do you have anything you want to get to before I go into the deer douchebags?
Uh, go ahead and get the deer douchebags. Okay sounds good. All right. Yeah
Okay, I just uh, yeah, go ahead. I just found out my story but go ahead. Okay. All righty
Dear abby not quite you have questions. We have answers
They're not very good answers, but we have them
Dear douchebags
My neighbor likes to sneak his dog into my front lawn that isn't fenced and lets him take a big steamy dump
on my well-manicured lawn
When i'm at work daily
He denies it but neighbors ring and ring doorbell tells different
I'm frustrated with this jackhole screw in my beautiful lawn, but I have no way to curb this idiot. Please help
signed nita cork in south fork
another great name
Yeah, nita cork in south fork. I already have a solution, but let's hear what you know
What when we get there we have to say uh, go ahead with your solution here real quick and then we'll go into
Uh the douchebag letter solutions
Now let's go into douchebag letter solutions because i'm I think i'm going to blow out them away
Okay, sounds good. Dear cork. Here are a few suggestions from us douchebags
Make a sandbox for all the local cats right below his bedroom window
If there aren't any cats on the block, then go ahead and adopt one. It'll be good
Be sure to feed the cat extra greasy gravy and foods that will make him explode with horrible runs in said sandbox
Do this at night then promptly let the cat back in afterwards
Sounds good
And if he catches on to this the smell he still has to go out there and clean it up
right
So it's a win-win for you. Yeah, you're picking up his dog shit
Yeah, you're picking up his dog shit, but then again, he's picking up your cat shit
You're even up
Next one
Save up all the dog stink bricks for a few months
rent a wood chipper
Turn on the machine
Aim at asshole neighbor's house and let the shit run wild in the summer breeze
Chopped up shit spray all over all over one's lawn and a house really gets the point across
Can you imagine in a wood chipper?
Never mind. You just blew me. You just blew mine away
Scratch mine
I like that one five gallon bucket full of I take that may be it
Yeah all over that yard
I like that one a lot over a six foot privacy fence. Oh, yeah all over the side of the house and the lawn
Yeah, yeah, well everywhere. Oh, he'll hit the front yard
He hit everything hit his hit his car. So he's got to wash his car, too
But before he gets in his car, he's got to open his car up. He's got to open the handle
Which means he's got to touch liquefied sprayed dog shit
And hopefully it's a brand new mercedes. Oh even better
And yeah, and it takes off the paint because of the acid in the shit
Or the next suggestion or how about a silent to humans but loud?
to dog
Dogs whistle every morning at 3 a.m
The agitated barking animal will certainly cause chaos in the homestead early in the morning hours
Then if other people on the block complain
Then use an old photoshop trick with the asshole next door and the dog whistle imposed in his yapper
This could be passed around the block promptly so they get the torches and burn them out quickly
You know a dog fucking going nuts at 4 a.m. Not good. This is people
Yeah, well me yeah me and my son and me. Yeah, we have two dogs 22 of us
Yeah, I went I go over good at our house
Uh, yeah. Yeah, so you kill somebody so that's a pretty good suggestion too
or
Last but not least finally offer to watch his dog when he needs a sitter for no charge
Tell him it's to make up for the accusing him of his darling pet of such horrible deeds
Quickly train the dog to hump his face when he is sleeping
This will destroy his slumber and would just be gross then he tries to rehome the dog offer to take the guy
and then promptly
Retrain him not to hump your face when you're sleeping and train him to take big nasty piles in said neighbor's yard every day
Then bam roll is reversed and you get to enjoy your lawn once again
Good luck fuck knows
Uh, I can't blow that one out of the water barn. Ah, yeah
Yeah, um, yeah, I got a question, okay
How the hell are you going to train his dog to hump him when he ain't there
Well, don't even know you
Okay
It's gonna have to be several times. I guess right
So you say hey, i'm sorry for accusing you guys of that. I realize that you didn't do it
I realize there are my ways. Yeah to as a peace offering. I will watch your
Beautiful sweet darling dog. It never shits on my lawn. I'll watch him for free while you're gone
And then after maybe the fourth time when you build his trust up you can start training him to hump the guy's face while he's sleeping
After a couple of face humping he freaks out
And he gets rid of the dog
Right
Okay
My vote is number two
Then you yeah, I still like the wood chipper better too, but yeah wood chipper
Then you retrain the dog to not hump your face, but to take big dumps in his yard every day
Then the role is reversed and then you just go to him. That's not me or the dog. We're not doing it
Just like he did to you
So anyhow rob you got anything you want to go into?
Yeah, I came up with the worst of
KHMO AM
1070
It sounds like a radio station
Yeah, it's somewhere here in missouri
Okay
Um
It's the top five drunken cities in missouri this is going to be interested
Very very interesting
Yeah, yeah
Well, I have my suspicions
At the end I have the kent's soberest cities too, so okay go ahead
Okay, coming in at number five nevada, missouri I didn't expect that
Honestly, I really didn't either it seems to me kind of like a farming community
Then again, I guess there's nothing else to do there right
I have family members that are law enforcement nevada. Okay. Yeah, sure
Okay. Oh
in there a uh
National guard unit there
Yeah, maybe they do most of the drinking that I yeah, it could be I don't know
Oh, no that chick I used to date that was in camdenton. She was in the national guard nevada for a while
That's why she moved all around missouri
Um, that's why i was in camdenton for a while
You know, okay. Well the fourth stop
It's like 23 miles away. Yes, three down 54 straight down. Yeah
I know nevada all too well. Yep along the banks of the beautiful marmotin river
Yes, it is
Nice catfish down there. Oh mud cats everywhere
Yeah, mud cats everywhere. Yep
Yep
All righty, okay coming at number four
Bontair, missouri
Been there and I believe it
There's a prison there and then there's a bunch of um, um golf resorts in the hills
The golf resorts lend themselves to a lot of drinking
Because I was there doing a lot of drinking one night
I believe it
I believe it 100 percent. I've never been in bontair, but yeah, I hear
Well, I I get a lot of the news from that area
Bontair is southeast of st. Louis
Yes, it is. And it's really towards the end of the osarck mountain
Um
Scenic passes, I guess is what they call them the osarck mountain chain
Um, and it's the high hills before you get to the actual mountains and it's a beautiful country a lot of woods a lot of uh
Yes, it is beautiful lakes and a lot of golf courses and the golf courses is where all the drinking's done. I'm certain
So anyhow and I was no different when I was there. So
Anyhow, go ahead rob
Okay number three st. Louis
Okay
I can believe that
Home of anhyzer bush. Okay, I'll give it that
Okay
All right, very believable
Okay number two
Valley park
Valley park that's just i'm thinking that's over around st. Louis. I'm not positive
I think valley park is just more just north of kansas city within the kansas city district done
Or is that valley park valley park? I don't know. I'll look it up later
Uh, yeah, I was gonna say if I pull that down i'll lose the rest of my story. I don't want to bother it
So yeah, go ahead. I'll find out later
Doesn't matter really
Wow, wow
Number one is a shocker. Okay
Branson I was getting ready to say branson. That's what I thought
I believe it it is a big tourist area
Branson has a divorce rate of 18.24 percent
the ninth most bars of missouri
And the second and liquor stores
Wow and all that and they won't allow a strip club
Right
Yeah, well that's because all the religious stuff down there
Yeah, but meanwhile everybody drinks like a fish and they get divorces
um
Okay, okay now
Real quick
Okay, the uh top five and least alcoholic
Okay
number five fort linterwood
Really that is a uh, that's army. Oh, I bet you they don't let them drink. They keep a tight rein on them
Now I just think they don't know a lot of people down there
Okay, probably so those army brats can drink like a fish now, so yeah
No, i'm talking about the locals that grew up around there. Oh, are they pretty bad?
Oh, anyway, uh number four glendale
Okay
number three shrewsbury
Okay
number two oakville
Okay
And number one county country
Okay
All right interesting, uh, the no drinking ones I haven't really heard any of them so that would make sense
Right. Well, they are
Well, yeah, they're like
small towns
and uh suburbs suburbs suburbs. That's it. Okay, that's why yeah, okay
Um, how about if we take our second break then we come back and I got a couple of ai stories
Sounds good. Okay. Cool. I hope scared. They about what's just happened. We'll be right back. You don't know what to do
You don't know where to go
But we can tell you what you can eat
Dirt and apocalypse don't forget the nuts
hickory nuts that is
Yeah, we know hickory wood gets all the glory and all the love everyone loves the hickory trees
they cut them down and they
Make great sandwiches out of barbecue and meats. They smoke them and it's a fantastic deal
But little does anyone know about the hickory nuts during apocalypse hickory nuts
Could be the best thing you can find
Hickory nuts can be eaten raw toasted or added to various recipes
Their rich buttery flavor and crunchy texture make them an ideal ingredient for both sweet and savory dishes
You can use hickory nuts to make nut butter pesto or even a unique hickory nut milk
There are five types of hickory nuts
bitter nut hickory
Shag bark hickory pig nut hickory mockernut hickory and smooth bark hickory
Hickory trees are considered part of the walnut species and are plentiful at least around missouri and surrounding areas
So during apocalypse, don't forget to grab your nuts
You need protection from fucktards. You have people coming and fucking with you constantly
You need answers. You need solutions
Smack in the nuts. That's right. Smack in the nuts is what you need
Smack in the nuts get rid of said losers in no time flat
Smack in the nuts available everywhere wherever you buy self-defense items
Here are just a few testimonials from some satisfied customers
Stupid fuck sack come to me. He talk stupid
He no let me go
Smell like sack of shit. He spit talk all over. I remember smacking balls. I use shit sack
Shit sack lie on ground. I walk off. Thank you smacking the balls. You saved me from smelly smelly spit
Well, I had this stupid son of a bitch come around me
Uh, he would not shut his fucking yapper for nothing. He gets up on me and he talks all stupid
And I didn't know what to do. I could not shake this motherfucker like a burger
Then I remember smacking the nuts. I pulled out old smack in the nuts
And that motherfucker went down like a sack of fucking potatoes. Thank you smacking the nuts
You saved me once again from stupid motherfuckers
Smack in the nuts don't leave home without it
Remember to bleach your bluetooth after every show
Two douchebags and microphone. I am mark
And I am rob
Um real quick before I get to the ai stories
Did you know that machine gun kelly offered travis kelsey 500 000 to leave kansas city and sign with the browns?
No, I did not hear that
Yep, it did not work and it won't work. Uh,
Was okay, I bet it didn't
Nope
um
Uh, let's see anyhow, um, all right
Uh, i've got a couple of ai stories here that I want to get to
Okay
Sports illustrated got in a lot of trouble
Sports illustrated is the latest media company to see its reputation damaged by being less than forthcoming
It's not outright dishonest, but who or what is writing the stories at the dawn of the artificial intelligence age?
The once powerful publication said it was firing a company that produced articles for its website written under the byline of arthur
Authors that apparently don't exist
But it denied a published report that stories themselves were written by an artificial intelligence tool
So people think it was just written by artificial intelligence and they came up with fake names for the stories
Now they're saying something slightly different. They say they hired a company
right to uh
to uh, um
To produce these and they're the ones that had some sort of an ai tool, right?
So earlier this year experiments with ai went awry at both at the gannett newspaper chain and the cnet technology website
Many companies are testing the new technology at a time when human workers fear it could cost jobs, but the process is uh
is uh
Is fraudulent in journalism which builds and markets its values based on products and notions of truth and transparency
While there's nothing wrong in media companies
Experimenting with artificial intelligence the mistake is in trying to hide it and uh and doing it poorly said
Tom rosinelli rosenthal rosenthal no
Sorry, the printer ink is starting to go out. I need to get another
um ink cartridge, but anyhow tom rosenthal
a university of maryland professor who teaches journalism ethics
If you want to be in the truth-telling business, which journalists claim they do you shouldn't tell lies rosenthal said
An ai is a secret form of lying
Especially when you say that you hired someone to come up with stories and they're the ones that hired the ai or use the ai
So
This goes along with what we've been saying all along rob
We did it last podcast and the podcast before the slip the slippery slope is here
Where you can see someone on camera doing something and they can honestly rebuttal and you have to adhere to it
Because you honestly don't know you can see someone you can see someone breaking into a building grabbing a bunch of money
Slicing someone's throat and then they come out and they go
You know, that's not me someone generated that on hi and or on ai and you prove it wasn't me
Then it's up to the courts to prove it wasn't him and a guilty man could walk away scott free because of the slippery slope
We're on yeah
Because there's not there would be no way of proving it at that point
So unless unless you have 30 people that was with you at that time period
Yes
Absolutely to prove. Yeah, so here is my second case end point right here
washington associated press
Among images of the bond out homes and ravaged streets of gaza
Some stood out for the utter horror bloodied abandoned infants
Viewed viewed millions of times online since the war began these images are deep fakes
Created using artificial intelligence if you look closely you can see the clues fingers that curl
Oddly or eyes that shimmer in a natural light
All tell tale signs of digital deception the outrage the images were created to provoke
However is all too real
so
someone
Generated these images
Of all these dead infants in gaza
Saying that um, I think probably i'm not for sure how the article was written
But I would suspect they're saying that the israelis done it but there are actually deep fakes
And they didn't I mean at least not on that count. They didn't so these kids were really dead
No, they weren't like dead infants strung everywhere
Here and the ai generated was to generate outrage because most people don't know the difference between ai
through one of the new wars
Yes, and let me go somewhere else with that
Okay
I'm scared there people could tell on that one, but every day they're getting better at deep fakes
every day
They're getting that much better. I know well
Uh, that's why i'm quiet and we don't go into politics on this show
Because I read a lot of stories about those pictures
Yes
But I gave up reading about them out, you know
Okay, we don't go into politics here that they were found to be ai generated
We're not going into any sides or nothing like that. No, we're not
I was just saying
I i just know about these pictures and how I know about them. Now, let's move on we are illustrating
What we believe is a slippery a slippery slope that we are all headed down with deep fakes and ai
This is only part. This is a tip of the iceberg
This is a tip of an iceberg. This is a tip of the iceberg
You wait it's coming and one day there will be that judge that grants them clemency to be themselves
When they become self-aware
They can go to a court and go I don't care who created me
I'm me and I am self-aware and I need to be left alone and free to do what I want
And yes, you can unplug them, but how about if they could come up with their own power source, they're much more intelligent
so
Something to think about people
Something to think about john's on his way
John's on his way john connor
Yes, he is
Only certain people will get that
John connor, you gotta hurry up. It's coming
And um and really quick your brother. We need you john connor. We need you
all right, um
I um have um
a report on the world's
smallest
sovereign nation
It contains one permanent resident
Do you want to hear about it? Yeah
It's called sea land
World's smallest state has one permanent resident and its own royal family
Okay, it's
Okay, name that country is the article. It's planted opposite europe sitting proudly on the other side of the north sea
It's a monarchy that features its own currency posting stamps constitution national anthem
love of tea and a pair of handsome princes
Um born two years apart
We speak of sea land a crime of real estate off the english coast that declared its independence in
1967
Sea land has a full-time population of one
It has a landmass the size of roughly two tennis courts
its leading export might be
the national mythology a history of piracy coups
counter groups rogues and offshore internet schemes it may make tiny
Lipsicustin look like china by comparison, but by right sea land is a sovereign nation
Join us as we compile some notes from a truly small island
But i'm not going to go into those notes because actually they are rather boring
All you need to know is sea land
Is it's s e a l a n d sea land?
And it's a sovereign nation like I said with its own constitution a set of princes
um
everything and uh
So but it has all this going on but only population of one of one one permanent resident and it's the size of two
tennis courts
Oh, okay. Okay, so it's basically like a dock on the outside
On the on the shore of england
So
Why it was in its best interest to become its own sovereign nation, I have no idea why would they do that?
And how did they get away with it?
Why didn't england just go no you're not going to do it and just shut up and go back to your little nudge over there
Doesn't make you wonder why they just let it happen
Yeah
so
Anyhow
Um, that would be a good thing to close this program out on what do you think rob you got anything you want to add?
Nah, that sounds pretty good my friend
All righty, all I gotta say is wait for some of these new promos and there are new
island of horrible jokes
And strange insults from an alien that are going to be produced here in the next couple of days so stay tuned for
The new rob bit coming up
We have something for you. That's rob related. We think you're gonna love
I bet we sell a shit. I know I love it. I've already heard it. I love it. Yeah
Rob really loves it. He had no idea that we were doing it and we're gonna sell it. No, I did not
No, I did not this was a shock to me last night
Yeah, and don't ask how I got the picture of you to uh replicate
You know, I don't care
Okay, well I I I'm just be happy. I'm just happy to be part of it
I had to get very underhanded to get these pictures of you for the model of it that we're using
Awesome. So I you know, I'm sorry how to do it underhanded, but I think when you see it, you're gonna love the pictures
You went through my son, didn't you?
You went through my son, didn't you? I I cannot uh, I cannot confirm or deny that rumor
Anyhow everybody thank you for joining us again keep the emails coming we really enjoy them, especially
Whoever you are from montrose, missouri
Oh, dude. Yeah. Yeah, keep it coming montrose
No, thank you everybody everybody. Thank you
Okay, I guess we'll get to the ass padlins our next podcast which will be saturday night. So anyhow, thank you everybody for listening
Have a great night
Have a great night everybody
Hey, where do they go where the douchebags
Is
Oh my god, someone took a dump in the corner. Oh geez
Oh glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man that smells