Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's two douchebags and a microphone podcast.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors, and horrible pranks? What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Hmm, is a pop tart a ravioli? Or is it a sandwich? I may never know.
Hmm.
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
No, I didn't.
It was both beach. I'm telling you, it was both beach.
We're totally agreement.
That was broke beach. I'm telling you, it was broke beach. We're totally agreement.
I'm telling you, it was broke beach. We're totally agreement.
You know, world peace, something like that maybe? End of wars? No, no, no, no.
We decided we wanted to be invisible so we could ass paddle people that needed.
The genie very reluctantly granted our wish, rolling his eyes, thinking, man, what stupid humans.
But he had to give us that one wish because we let him out of his bottle.
So, anyhow, here are some invisible ass paddlings, if I could ever wake up, it would be nice.
Norman Wareham, inventor of the worst, most ineffective invention ever, the automatic motion detector water faucet.
Would you agree?
Yeah, yeah.
This painting ass won't work half the time and when it does, it gives you one second of water.
The automatic water faucet guy that configures the soap also gets an ass paddling.
Because he gives you 10 ounces of soap and less than one ounce of water.
Hey, dipshit, that 10 ounces of soap is 95% fucking water.
Fucking idiots need to be in the Hall of Fame, bare ass paddling at that.
So, they give you all this soap, which is 99% water, right?
And one half of ounce of water to wash that soap off with.
You're wasting all that soap with water in it to only give you hardly any.
How about if they configure it different and give you a little bit less soap and a little bit more water?
But no, you can never get that because they're dipshits.
The next one that gets an ass paddling, and do you agree they get bare ass paddled and they're in the Hall of Fame?
Yes.
Yeah, they deserve Hall of Fame and bare ass paddled at that.
The next guy that gets it, and I didn't have him in the Hall of Fame, but it can be argued.
The motion paper towel dispenser inventor, Danny Bird.
That idiot is making everybody in public crappers look like a bunch of mongoloids flailing their hands in the air
just praying that it will magically motion to set the dispenser to finally give you two inches of paper towels.
Roy Scott, the inventor of the paper towels, is weeping in his grave right now over this.
He's like, I come up with such a great invention and you guys are fucking it up,
making people look like complete fucking mongoloids waving their hands in the air trying to get two inches of paper towel out,
which won't dry your pinky finger.
Bullshit.
And he gets an ass paddling.
Agreed?
Yep.
Now, these guys are already in the Hall of Fame, but they deserve another mention and another ass paddling.
We can pull them out of the Hall of Fame and paddle their ass, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
McDs for bringing back the McRib and acting like they didn't lie to us again.
And I actually called it on bullshit.
I actually called it, saying that yeah, there's going to be a groundswell of people screaming for the McRib.
Then they're going to bring, okay guys, okay, we'll bring it back this one time.
Bullshit.
They knew what they were doing at the start, in my opinion,
and it's a big ruse to get people to go, oh my, we've got to go beat McDonald's and get that pressed asshole meat.
And anyone, the next one that gets an ass paddling, anyone who buys a McRib,
if you see them, turn them in for their ass paddling.
Or just do it yourself.
My suggestion is if you're down at the neighborhood McDs and you see somebody buying a McRib,
you're to grab them right then, find whatever you can.
I don't care what it is.
Grab whatever you can and ass paddle them.
Agreed, Rob?
Yes.
They deserve it and they know not what they do.
They're rubes, they're followers, they're sheep, and they need their ass paddled.
So, the next one on the ass paddling, not Hall of Fame, but the ass paddling list,
college football panel for completely bumbling the college football rankings and screwing teams out of bowl beds.
They are, I mean, they've always been great at it, but it seems to me like they're getting worse lately.
Would you agree?
Yeah, I would agree.
I think a lot of people would.
There's no rhyme or reason to what they're thinking that day and it's really ridiculous, some of the ones.
I mean, the one thing that I noticed was this right here.
Teams that are perennial winners, it doesn't matter what their team is doing that year,
they're still going to get a higher ranking just because they're perennial winners.
And that's not right.
It goes per year.
That year should be who the best teams are.
Not looking at the whole body of work.
Like Alabama always gets a favorable one.
LSU gets a favorable one.
Georgia gets a favorable one.
That's because they always win.
Back in the day, I remember Nebraska used to get, in the 80s, Nebraska used to get a favorable ranking
because with Tom Osborne, they were perennial winners.
And I'm sick of that.
I could almost predict who's going to be in the top 10 at the first of any year
because of their ranking the year before and not their depth and who left and who came in or nothing like that.
And to me, it's just complete bullshit.
And they do it for buzz, right?
Oh, did you see Alabama got number one over Georgia?
You know, and I think what it does is they do it because it makes people talk about it.
It makes people angry.
It makes them passionate about their team not being in it.
Do you think I'm right?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and it's a ruse.
So to me, I think it's a ruse.
In my opinion, I think that they do that because if you're a perennial winner,
you naturally have more interest than a Kansas or a K-State or even a Mizzou who's doing really well this year.
They're nine and two.
They were number nine.
They're in the top 10, so I got to give them props.
They did put them in the top 10.
So anyhow, I think that's the way it is.
And Mizzou is in the SEC, which has a shit ton of great teams, perennial winners,
so it's kind of hard to crack in there.
So the next one.
Walmart for continually having two regular checkout lines on the opposite side of the exit door,
but all the self-checkouts right next to the exit door.
The bastards want to make it as inconvenient as possible to go through the traditional lines.
Cheap fucks, in my opinion.
Have you noticed that, Rob?
Yeah.
In the exit door, there's like 10, 12 self-checkout machines,
but if you want to check out the regular way, you got to go a half mile down that store,
and there's two lanes open.
So what are you going to do?
You're going to go, oh, fuck, I don't want to go all the way down there
and then have to walk all the way back to the exit door over here to just check out my stuff.
To me, it seems like a trick, a trap, in my opinion,
to make you almost force you to use the self-checkout machines.
What do you think? You think I'm on to something?
Yeah, I think you are.
Well, they get asked, Padlin, and I'm kind of arguing with myself.
Do they get bare-assed and in the Hall of Fame?
Or do you think maybe we'll wait until they do another atrociousness,
and then we'll get them?
I'll tell them that off, see what they come up with.
Okay, Walmart, you have a chance to redeem yourself, okay?
Right now, you're not getting in the Hall of Fame, and it's not bare-ass.
It's going to be a regular ass, Padlin, with a warning, with a strict, stern warning,
a finger, you know, a stern finger in your face, no, no, no, and we'll leave it at that.
So, next one, CBS for rolling out a second season of Ghost UK.
Just try to stomach five minutes of that abortion, and you will agree.
Also, for keeping Tony Romo employed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%.
Have you even seen Ghost UK?
No.
This is all opinion-based, by the way, so, you know, anyhow.
Okay, it's about ghosts from the past that, like, certain people can see,
and they're constantly fucking with people and saying stuff, and it's really,
it's really just like, it's like a brain-dead comedy to me.
I mean, you know, it's like, for the, for, like, people that, in my opinion,
people that lack intelligence would think this is just crazy funny.
Oh my God, look at this.
That ghost is saying something funny, and only her, she can, she's the only one that can hear it,
and she's giggling, and everybody's like looking at her like she's insane.
Oh my God, that, oh, oh, geez, that's funny.
Yeah.
Yep, so, they getting ass-paddling.
Next one, Whoopi Goldberg for bashing Gen Zers and Millennials on their work habits.
Not every no-talent bag of shit lucks out like Whoopi and gets money thrown at him.
I'm not sure who gets to get close enough to her ass to paddle her, though.
That's gonna be tough, because who is gonna get close enough to her to paddle her ass?
Who?
Um, I think it's gonna be Short Straw, right?
Yeah.
Um, she should not comment on anybody, because she should just be thanking her lucky stars.
She has employment that makes her filthy rich.
Um, you talk about like just, you know, no talent, but like just getting, just getting money thrown at her.
There you go.
I would like she should be commenting on anybody and anybody else's potential income,
because I think she needs to be thanking her lucky stars every fucking day for what she's got.
So, next one, John Sherman for putting two counties, pitting, not putting,
John Sherman for pitting two counties against each other for a stadium that we need a decent, you know,
we don't need a new stadium, we'll need a decent baseball team.
John Boy is ignoring the elephant in the room, not addressing the team's spending or lack of.
He needs bare ass paddled, and this is John Sherman for pitting Jackson and Clay counties against each other
for this potential new ballpark.
It's taking the heat off him for putting up a shitty team that they hardly spend any money on.
He's doing the little wag the dog.
He's like pointing over there going, hey, we need a new stadium, while everyone's going,
that abortion you just fucking threw out there on the field, you call that a major league team?
No it isn't.
How dare you insult our intelligence acting like that's a team?
So, anyhow, John Sherman gets bare ass paddled.
This is all opinion.
I agree.
Bulls mafia for giving us crickets when your team is lying down and taking it.
So, when they're doing good, you cannot get away from them chirping.
I don't care if the Chiefs are doing horrible, I still chirp.
I still support them.
Denver Broncos, those people come out in droves, shaking their fucking flags and wearing their gear.
It's just the Bulls mafia kind of reminds me of a Raider fan.
Whenever there's nothing going on, you don't hear anything from them.
Whenever they're losing, nothing.
Crickets.
And for that, they all get ass paddled.
Because at the very least, they should at least be defending their position like,
hey, we got rid of our offensive coordinator and Josh Allen has a hand injury or something.
Make something up if nothing else.
But don't just sit there and act like you never was a fan or just quietly take it yourself.
Be vocal.
Fucking, you know, I just...
Anyhow, I'll just move on.
Next one.
Big Lots for being open Thanksgiving Day.
I can see a grocery store being open for people that forget an item, but not a variety of closeout stores.
You know, I mean, it's pretty much a variety store of closeouts.
And why they would be open on Thanksgiving, I can't think of one reason.
Do you really want to go in there?
Yeah, you want to go in there and buy ten AirPods for three bucks on Thanksgiving?
I don't think so.
Now, if you need some cranberry sauce you forgot or you ran out of stuffing,
I can see a Price Chopper or SunFresh or a Hy-Vee being open.
They have a reason to be open.
Big Lots, I don't see one reason why they should be open and making employees work on Thanksgiving Day.
So for that, they get an ass paddling.
I second that.
Alright, and last but not least, every fast food place that will be open on Thanksgiving Day.
I can see a regular sit-down restaurant for people who won't get a proper Thanksgiving meal.
Truck drivers, people with no family, people that live out of state and all their families in another state.
Yeah, I could see that.
Definitely.
But a fast food meal like Dunkin', McD's, Burger Bitch, that's just to name a few of places that are going to be open.
Now, I will preface this.
Not all of them are going to be open.
Burger King is franchises and certain franchises will not be open on Thanksgiving.
But there's quite a few of them that are going to be open and I think the corporate stores are going to be open.
McDonald's, not all of them are going to be open because there's a lot of franchises too.
But I think the corporate ones are open and certain franchises are open.
And Dunkin', I have no idea.
I don't know about the inside of them.
I don't know enough about them to find out if it's going to be certain stores or not or if they're all just going to be universally open.
And then there's other ones too that are going to be open.
And anyhow, in my opinion, they don't have to be.
I don't think anyone's really seeking fast food on Thanksgiving Day.
I think people are going to go get their turkey at Denny's or a truck stop or something like that where they actually have a real Thanksgiving type dinner.
So that concludes this at...
At a restaurant.
Yes, yeah.
Where they go in and they got their turkey, they got their stuffing, they got their cranberries, they got their roll, they got their green bean casserole, you know.
And then they have their pumpkin or yam pie dessert.
So anyhow, that is the last of the Ask Paddlings.
And how about we take a little break and we come back?
You got something you want to get to?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, we'll be right back with Rob Radd's Whatever.
Two thimble dicks and a crash cart will be right back.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarious.
You have the personality of a soggy newspaper.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Elderberries can be a delicious and tasty treat in the wild.
During the apocalypse, this can be a great go-to food because it is also medicinal.
It helps with inflammation to headaches.
And also, maybe you're sore from running from that radioactive antelope or whatever.
Take some elderberries.
Maybe you can run a little bit faster and get away from the damn thing.
Hello? Hello? You still there? You were still listening. You must be really fucking bored.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Man, Axel Rose is such a great childhood therapist.
I hope he writes more books.
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, Rob. You said you have something you want to get to.
Yes, I do.
I have this week, Rasslin' News.
Alright.
It's not what I told you off the air. I've had to change stories.
Okay?
Okay.
And I ran across this on Sports media.
The WWE roster stopped over in Camp Ohio for one of two house shows on Saturday, November 18th.
Which was yesterday to us.
The event emanated from the Civic Center and featured top stars from the red brand.
And I have the finals of the matches.
Alright.
Jame Zane defeated NXT North American Champion Dominate Mysterio in a non-title match.
See, I told you that the WWE wrestlers...
That's what I... okay.
...go back and forth to NXT and Dominate Mysterio is the great Rey Mysterio's son.
I was wondering that.
Who is playing heel.
Okay.
He was in a group called the Judgment Day.
I got a question real quick, Rob.
Yeah.
Is everyone that crosses over from the WWE, not NXT, but when they go to NXT, is it a
non-title match because they're from a different league?
Or were the stars from the WWE invited to come over there and kick NXT's ass and get
the title from them?
Well, Dominate Mysterio got.
He's part of WWE and he holds the North American Champion.
Okay.
In NXT.
Oh, okay.
So he got the title from this guy or he had the title?
Neither one had the title.
Well, he has the title.
Jame Zane is in WWE.
Dominate bounces.
Okay, okay.
So he goes both so you can't really say he's either.
Right.
Okay, I get it now.
Okay.
Do you see what I was asking though?
Yes.
I was asking...
Yes, I see.
I was wondering because you would think that WWE would be a little bit better.
They have the bigger stars, right?
Now what's to prevent someone from the WWE coming over and just wiping everybody's ass
out on NXT and taking everything and then jumping back over to the WWE is what I'm asking.
Is there rules in place that say, hey, you can't come over and smack these guys around
because you're a little bit bigger and a little bit better?
That's something I'm going to have to look into.
Yeah, because I mean think of it like this.
Let's say that the Royals went up to Omaha and started playing as bad as the Royals are.
They're still major league people, you know, and they're better than anyone in AAA.
But they went up to their AAA affiliate and played them, kicked the shit out of them and
took their title.
You see what I'm saying?
That would be a bit unfair, right?
Right.
Yeah, so, okay.
Yeah, let me know about that and let the people know about that because I think that's an
interesting scenario.
I will.
Okay, cool.
Do you have anything more on that?
Yeah, the next match was Becky Lynch defeated Zoe Stark.
Okay.
Cody Rhodes defeated undisputed WWE Tag Team Champion Damian Priest who is part of the
Judgment Day group.
Okay.
Jack defeated Raquel Rodriguez.
Judgment Day, is this like a New World Order or something?
It's a fact.
It's a group of wrestlers that get together and there's three, four, five of them.
They team up on people, you know.
Okay, okay.
Sorry for interrupting, but I have these questions.
Now, you're right.
There was two title matches.
The Intercontinental, or not North, the Intercontinental, Chet Chet, beat her, retains over Chad David.
Okay.
The World Heavyweight title match, which the belts held by Seth Rollins, retains over Drew
McIntyre and Shinsuke Nakamura in a triple flip match.
No title changes on Saturday night.
Uh-huh.
There you go.
Very cool.
Thank you, Rob.
Good.
All right, thank you for the update on the wrestling and we'll look forward to more of
those.
All right.
All week is what we agreed on.
Yep, yep.
And then we'll do more on our sports only show that we're going to kick off.
We'll talk about it off air.
Yeah.
And it'll be a different name.
We'll figure it out.
We'll figure out all the particulars off air.
So, I've got a neat story here.
You know, Kim Thal from Soundgarden, right?
Yeah.
You know that he doesn't really have any gear that he prefers at all.
You know, all these guitarists, you know, like Eddie Van Halen had the Frankenstein,
Franken guitar, and you know, Jimi Hendrix did his own wiring on amps and guitars to
come up with his own sound.
Jeff Beck very famously had his own sound because of his tremolo, which was himself,
wasn't a piece of machinery per se.
Okay, Kim Thal has no gear at all.
And he was in an interview with Guitar Magazine, I believe.
And he said that, you know, one time he was in a music store and he was searching for
this gear, you know, which was going to make him give him a sound, right?
And there was a child there, basically, I don't know, maybe like 10, 12 years old playing
eruption.
And he got the fuck out of there.
He's like, man, he goes, there's a 12 year old in there playing that intricate piece
eruption.
And he's like, he was kind of embarrassed.
Kim Thal was great as he is with great music that he wrote with Soundgarden.
I mean, one of my favorite guitarists for rhythm guitarists and a lot of his leads are
very cool.
Very Zeppelin-esque, in my opinion.
His chords and his leads are more to me kind of Jimmy Page stuff.
Very good.
But he heard a kid playing eruption and he got the fuck out of there.
Isn't it amazing how people see stuff?
You know, here he is to us, a great Kim Thal, wrote all this great music with Chris Cornell.
And his sound is very unique.
He's got a great sound.
And he has no gear because he never really went to music stores because that one time
that kid came in there and played eruption in front of him.
He's like, fuck this, I'm out of here.
I found that amusing and cute.
And so it just shows you that everybody has a different perspective on stuff.
And there he was thinking he was inadequate because, you know, because he was a good
guy.
Because some kid could come in there and play eruption.
And eruption takes a lot of talent to play.
So, alright, you've heard of Bucky's in Texas, right?
Yeah.
Bucky's is like this huge fucking outlet truck stop store that has everything there.
It's a truck stop.
And it's spelled B-U-C-C-E-E-S.
And it has a chipmunk as its logo.
And they're primarily down in Texas.
Although they're building one in Springfield.
And I think they're building one up here on I-72 from what I read.
Anyhow, they have some competition that is coming to the Kansas City area.
And anyhow, it's a giant gas station like Bucky's.
It's called Wally's.
And in the past three years it's broken ground on three very large Midwest stores.
Each of them in excess of 30,000 square feet.
And it's a St. Louis based retailer.
Anyhow, they're opening up one around Kansas City.
And I have since, since this article has come out, have read where Bucky's is actually considered
a Kansas City location too.
Which I think is fantastic because the first time I went to Bucky's I'm going through there
and looking at all these, all this merchandise.
I mean, fucking acres and acres and acres of merchandise.
Food, clothing, boots.
Everything you can imagine is under that one truck stop store.
Knickknacks, wall mounts.
Everything you could think of.
CB radios, fucking regular stereos.
I mean, they have everything.
And I see a real sugar frozen Pepsi machine.
That is impossible to find.
But that was in Bucky's.
I was in heaven.
I got me a huge one and then we were off back to Missouri.
This is back when I was working out of town and was in the van.
And anyhow, Brian, the guy who's working with me, knew all about Bucky's.
I knew nothing about it.
He goes, hey, he goes, I need to get gas.
He goes, check out this place.
So we went to Bucky's and I was like, wah.
Fucking cool ass place.
So anyhow, it sounds like both places are expanding.
I've never been to Wally's.
So I have no idea.
You know what they're about.
But it sounds about the same thing as Bucky's.
So I can't wait for that.
Meanwhile, a British Columbia 15 year old broke two of his own Guinness World Records for stacking Jenga blocks.
And ended up becoming the basis for a Hallmark Christmas movie.
Aldine Maxwell set her first Guinness World Record in 2021 when she stacked up 638 Jenga blocks on a base compared to a single block.
He broke his own record later that year with 14,000 blocks and managed a similar feat with giant Jenga blocks stacking 500.
Maxwell has now broken both of his own records stacking 1,840 Jenga blocks on a single block and 900 giant Jenga blocks on a single block.
Maxwell's skills caught the attention of cable TV network Hallmark Movies and Mysteries, which turns his story into a film, A World Record Christmas, which premieres Thursday, which was last Thursday.
So if you didn't see it, you didn't see it.
The film stars Nicky Dolatch, Lucas Bryant and Elias Dahlman.
Yeah, bunch of unknowns.
Maxwell has a cameo in the film helping him achieve his goal of acting on the screen.
When he found out that it was actually happening, we were absolutely thrilled.
It felt like an out of body experience for me.
It's such an incredible honor for our family, Maxwell said on the film.
So there you go, friend of Jenga blocks.
There you go.
That's the guy.
Me, I couldn't give one ounce of shit about him, could you?
Yeah.
Um, Hidden Valley Ranch dressing, right?
Good stuff, right?
To me, the best ranch dressing you can buy that you don't make at home.
Really good, really rich, really creamy, great taste.
They came out with a double headed, double bottled ranch dressing.
The marketing of the county, of the country's most famous salad dressing has taken a turn for the surreal.
Hidden Valley Ranch has just announced an exciting partnership with itself to create the very first double ranch bottle.
A two headed spigot bottle that forms the shape of an uncanny X
with an idea that feels like it came straight from the cable episodes of Ricky and Morty.
Rick and Morty, yeah, I agree.
The company claims it could only work with its brand in order to make dressing worthy of its flavors.
The result is either a hilarious conversation piece or a novelty item.
The tongue in cheek collaboration with itself is a reference to the many food brand crossover events happening lately.
The press release calls it drop culture.
Anyhow, it's really unique and they're only making 227 of them so chances are you're not going to get one.
But it's two bottles that cross over like an X with two spouts coming off forming that X.
You see what I'm saying?
The two bottles, they join in at the spout and then you squeeze it, each side comes out ranch dressing.
So you can ranch up two salads or whatever you want at one time.
And there's no purpose for this but just a novelty.
If I was lucky enough to get one, which I'm probably not going to get one 227 of them, I would have it on display.
As a matter of fact, I would put it here in the Talk is Cheap Studio, probably right next to the Fuck Off sign.
That'd be a good place for it.
It would be, yeah.
So look, I got the double ranch Fuck Off.
Or I could put it right under the beautiful Falstaff beer sign.
Nah, nah, it goes above the Fuck Off.
Yeah.
Yep.
So, let's see, there was a horse that got loose on a plane bound for Belgium.
And it started roaming the compartments.
Yeah.
And anyhow, it took him a long time to get it corralled because of course, you know, it's on a plane and I'm sure it's freaking out.
You know, the horse can feel the difference that's in the area.
But it got loose from his cage and was roaming around and they were like scurrying.
It took him hours.
Good thing it was a long plane ride.
It took him hours to get this horse corralled and back in his cage.
And they have some video footage of it and it is funnier than hell.
It looked like slapstick comedy where people are like falling all over each other trying to get this horse in.
This horse is running around eluding them and no one can quite get it.
And if you get close enough to it, it just might buck you so you can't get that close to it.
And they were very unprepared for something like that to happen because they really had no equipment to corral the horse.
So it was just them and like five guys they had handy to do this.
And if you get a chance, look it up online.
It is funny.
It's like I said, it's like slapstick comedy.
So Southwest is adding red-eye flights.
They were infamous for being the early morning daytime only flights.
And they would pretty much shut it down at night.
Frontier does a lot of red-eye flights.
And the red-eye flights are generally like repositioning a plane.
And they are pretty cheap.
Well, Southwest is going to start coming in on the red-eye flight business.
And it's going to be interesting because there needs to be a little bit more red-eye flights in my opinion.
I would rather do a red-eye flight than an early morning flight.
Because the reason is because you can get to where you're going.
Right?
And you can get there late that night and be there fresh for the next morning.
You get a couple hours sleep, you wake up and you're on your way to whatever your destination is.
You have all day to do whatever you want to do.
I hate it whenever the day is split in half.
Like let's say you're going to Florida.
So from here that's a three hour flight.
So you get there in three hours.
And usually you don't get on the plane until seven or eight.
The plane doesn't leave like seven or eight.
So then half of the day is gone.
Then the time change.
By the time you get there it's noon.
By the time you get to your rental car or your Uber or anything.
By the time you get anywhere it's one or two.
So that whole day is pretty much gone.
You only have a few hours.
You're tired as hell.
You got up early.
So that whole day is wiped out.
A red eye you can get there at like maybe three in the morning.
It's easier to get a hotel.
You go to your hotel.
Sleep until maybe seven or eight.
Nine.
You wake up and you got the rest of the day to do whatever.
So I like the idea of more red eyed flights because there isn't that many going on right now.
And I think there's a whole other market for red eyed flights.
Anyhow, you got anything to add Rob?
If not we're going to cut this down here because I have to get to work.
Krispy Kreme has some new donuts here real quick.
They have a cinnamon latte lover donut.
They have a spiced apple filled donut.
A chocolate iced with autumn sprinkles donut.
A pumpkin spiced cake donut.
And there is also a caramel pecan brownie donut.
Anyhow, those are the new flavors from Krispy Kreme that quite frankly sound pretty delicious, don't they?
Yeah, yeah.
Yep.
Blackberry crisp filled donut that tastes just like grandma approved dessert is what they say.
The chocolate iced autumn sprinkle donut is exactly what it sounds like.
A big bowl of deliciousness.
I like the fact that Krispy Kreme has come up with new ideas because I don't know.
I kind of feel like their brand kind of got stale, didn't it?
Yeah.
They used to have that hot now sign.
And that means that they just came out of the vat and they were just crazy delicious.
I don't think they do that anymore.
I think the rush got too big and people just, you know, they just quit going, I think.
Whatever said.
That could be.
Yeah, so.
Anyhow, like I said a minute ago, I know I'm all over the place.
You got anything you want to add, Rob, or we're going to cut this bitch down and everybody have a good day.
I've got a final thought.
That sounds great to me.
We're at Thanksgiving approaching this week.
Gobble, gobble.
What's that?
Huh?
Gobble, gobble.
Yeah.
A little friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of the family photos so they can easily be cropped out later.
That is solid advice.
Solid advice.
I love that.
Anyhow, thank you all for joining us.
We're going to have a couple of bit segments, older ones, that I'm going to personally pick out for you guys, but I got to get to work.
Rob's got some masturbating to do or something, I guess, right?
Whatever.
Whatever I decide to.
That's my bet.
He could masturbate.
He could go outside.
I don't know.
He could, I don't know, go to the neighbors and just scream in their window if you wanted, right?
She'd probably kick my ass.
Okay.
Then maybe not that.
Okay, maybe some masturbating, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, well whatever Rob chooses to do, I'll be at work.
Anyhow, tonight I will be with family.
Hopefully we are going to go someplace cool and hang out, maybe watch a Sunday night game and have a couple of beers and bullshit.
So yeah, everybody have a great night.
Thank you for joining us.
You're going to get a best of segment next.
I suggest you hold on to it and listen to it because it will be thrilling, like always.
Anyhow, thank you for joining us.
Have a great night.
Thank you.
Coming up, a blast from the past.
This is where we take old shows and incorporate them into new shows.
Because you fucks refuse to go get it.
Have I ever told you about my prank phone call deal that I used to do?
No.
Well, this is the old quick trip in Belvedere, the one right off the highway, right off of 71 or 49 or whatever, at 155th Street, down there in that little pit there, right off the exit ramp.
There used to be a quick trip.
And one day I'm like in there getting a soda or some shit, right?
And I noticed the phone rang.
Is this probably a drug deal or something?
Yeah.
And some guy jumps out of his car and starts answering.
I'm like, huh, they know those things had numbers.
Not only did I not know they have numbers, I didn't realize that people fucking answer them.
Yeah.
The idea of calling into a pay phone didn't occur to me until I saw someone do it on a TV show.
I was like, what?
Yeah.
You can do that?
I thought it's just one way you got on there and said, hey, I'm down here at the quick trip, man.
Whenever you want to come down, you know, I got the I got the pet cage and the and the rubbers.
So so anyhow, so I walk over there and I get a pen from the guy in the quick trip and wrote down the numbers.
There's like three of them.
And they're like, you know, in a little semicircle.
And back in the days, I mean, like you mentioned the other day, how nasty that was.
Yeah.
Some guy get up there and start spitting all over the phone, talking, and then you go pick it up right after.
Yeah.
Jam it right up to the hole in your face that you eat through.
Now, when I think about it, I cringe.
So anyhow, it is probably a dirt bag from Belvedere anyhow, with no teeth.
You know, so anyhow, I get these numbers down and anyhow, one day I'm over my friend Davies and we're bored.
I go, hey, man, I got something we can do.
What's that?
See these three numbers?
Yeah.
There's a number to the pay phones in Belvedere.
Quick trip.
Oh, really?
Let's just call it and fuck with people.
Sure.
OK.
So, you know, we call up and the first time it took a long time.
I don't think anyone was there.
Someone answered hello.
Oh, you know, this is pay phone.
I go, hey, you know, you're a dickhead.
You know, just start screwing with them.
Yeah, you're a piece of shit, man.
Hey, you know, I got right next to me who?
Your mom.
Yeah.
You know, people get pissed off.
Fuck you, bitch.
And all this stuff.
So anyhow, we, you know, we call them up and harass and people get so fucking mad.
You know, we get them so mad.
They threaten to kill us.
They're going to come over and we're like, well, you're going to kill me when you don't
know where I'm at, bitch.
You know what this before this is in maybe early 90s at the most late 80s, whatever,
somewhere in that time frame.
And I mean, it was just I mean, we had nothing else to do.
So we'd call up and just get people so mad.
David used to do this farmer oppression.
They used to tell a guy that his fucking goats were in his yard and he was mad or he fucking
cattle trampled my fucking sheep.
You bitch.
I don't have I don't have no farm.
Yeah, you do.
You son of a bitch.
I know this is you, Mr. Johnson.
You get your ass over here and you get my dead fucking sheep and you better fucking bury.
And if you don't, I'm going to come over there.
I'm going to slap the stupid out of you.
And that's going to take all day because you're pretty fucking stupid.
And he would just keep railing on him.
And the people get so mad and argue about I don't have a farm.
I ain't got no farm.
You dumb son of a bitch.
And he would just keep going.
Ain't got no farm.
You dumb son of a bitch.
And these people get so mad.
So anyhow, one day I'm over there.
I'm like, hmm, you know, it's starting to get boring.
People get mad and they hang up.
Then a lot of people just go, fuck you, you know, and hang up.
The smarter ones do.
Yeah.
And although I question them answering a pay phone, you know, this is a pay phone, don't
you?
You know, it's like, OK, I heard that one before.
All right.
Hang on.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry.
What do you do?
I noticed there's a White House right behind there.
So anyhow, I'm like, hmm, OK, all right.
Everyone always wants to know where I live at.
I guess I'm going to live in that White House right behind the pay phone.
So anyhow, you know, most people are just kind of like they hang up and they don't want
to go to that White House.
This one guy that I was fucking with just constantly going, hey, you piece of shit, man.
Yeah, you just don't sound right without a dick in your mouth.
You sound completely different.
You're a bald gargler and all this stuff, man.
You smell like chode.
And this guy's just getting fucking madder than you.
I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
Where you at?
I go, you want to know where I'm at, bitch?
Yeah.
Over there.
Look to your left.
Oh, no, no, not that left.
The other left, moron.
See that left over there?
See that White House?
I'm right here, motherfucker.
I'm looking out the window.
I'm waiting for your fucking fat ass to come beat me up.
I'm going to smack the stupid out of you and I'm going to do it in front of everybody.
I'm going to call people over to watch me smack the fuck out of you.
And this guy's getting mad.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
I'm going to fucking kill you.
And I'm pretty sure the guy went over there.
He was so mad.
So he was so mad that he didn't even completely hang up.
I heard it go click and then it fell on the ground.
So he didn't look back or nothing.
And anyhow, I hear a car peeling out.
So I don't know about that guy in that White House, but I'm pretty sure he got into a pretty good fight.
Yeah.
And anyhow, I looked at the police blotter the next day.
Man in White House beaten to death by outrage.
There wasn't an internet.
So it's like one of those deals where you had to wait for one of those little regional magazines like the South Side or whatever.
The Grandview Circle or whatever.
The Grandview Dick Smack or whatever.
One of those stupid little fucking mags to come out.
South Side idiot, whatever.
So hey, I never did find out, you know, and I didn't want to know.
I was afraid someone might have got killed that whole stuff up, you know, but yeah, could be.
It was at the hands of entertainment.
So I justified it.
Yeah.
Were you briefly entertained?
Oh, I was entertained for a while.
I mean, especially the guys that just continue to get mad and just continue to try to insult you and one up you without a brain.
Yeah.
And you continue like Davey just roll over so many insults on him and they just keep getting madder and madder.
Oh, yeah.
Fuck you.
Oh, my God.
You got me.
Oh, you went to the F bomb.
Oh, someone get me some iced tea.
Oh, my God.
Oh, the pain.
You know, hey, how so the fine.
The finality was ice calling down there.
And this is later.
I got bored with it and I went back to it.
And this chick answers and I started saying something, you know, just started blathering some sort of shit to try to piss her off.
She goes, Mark Wallace.
Ah, oops.
Who is this?
This is Danielle.
Oh, fuck.
What are you doing calling a pay phone?
Long story.
She busted me.
That was the last time I called him like, fuck, man, that's it, man.
So far, anymore is done.
Yep.
Cancel Christmas.
Yeah.
Pharmacy's closed.
We are to do so to microphone as charming as a leaky sewer pipe.
Well, you know, I got a neat little story here about a little prank that me and Davey, my friend that I refer to often.
Oh, yes.
You know, the old Banister Mall.
Remember that?
Oh, yeah.
Boy, that was a that was an area for a lot of fucking fun.
We used to get away with murder at that place.
We've done the stupidest shit.
Well, there is a security guard, little short little fucker, little kind of little dumpy little guy named Sam.
And he hated us long hair.
We're in there getting all the chicks and he didn't fucking like it.
Yeah.
Sam used to always try to get me kicked out.
And Davey, too, but more me, he really hated me for some reason.
So he always threw me and he got me kicked out for about two weeks.
Then we went to court and the judge said you can't kick him out.
It's a public mall.
Yeah.
So anyhow, you know, one of the biggest ways to sell the hoax is to we found this out was to have a setup guy that no one knew.
Just a guy to confirm what you're saying.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did see that monkey over there.
Last I saw him, he was on top of that building.
He was throwing shit at somebody.
The random witness.
You see him disappear.
Yes.
So this guy.
OK, this is a banister mall, early 1980s.
Me and my good buddy Davey were hanging out.
And we were crazy long hairs that the average teen would follow, you know, because we're long hairs.
And we're kind of like the Pied Piper of teens.
People would like used to look at us and go, well, there's the party.
Let's just follow them around until they go to it.
I've done that.
Yeah.
They used to do it all the time.
We'd be like, where are you guys going?
Cleveland, Ohio?
No, Missouri.
That guy looks like he might have beer.
Yeah.
So they just start following us.
And that's just the way we were.
And then we'd all introduce.
Hey, I'm so and so.
I'm so and so.
You know, we'd have a good time Cleveland Lake or something.
You know, slamming beers, doing stupid shit.
So Davey and I had certain buddies that would walk up and hear the bullshit that was you in and then help seal the deal.
You know, they'd sell it completely.
You know, one guy that walked around to help us was a punker named Jason.
Jason was really cool because he looked like the type of guy that wouldn't like us.
But we got to talking to him.
And we, you know, we saw eye to eye on everything except music.
Everything else, we were the same.
You know, fuck society, fuck the average guy, fuck this, fuck that.
You know, but when it came to music, you know, we're like fucking listen to Motley Crue and shit like that.
And he was listening to, I don't know, the Ramones or, you know, or even deeper than that, you know, dead Kennedy's, the germs.
Television.
Yeah.
He was a real punker.
So he had an orange Mohawk.
Sweet.
Or a black spiked leather.
And Doc Martens.
So, I mean, you know, you got the guy, right?
You know, you know who I'm talking about.
So great guy, though.
I'd love to know what happened to him.
So, Jason, if you happen to hear this abortion, please.
Oh, I guess that's a bad word now, isn't it?
This atrocity.
There we go.
If you happen to hear this horrible atrocity, then, you know, hey, send us an email.
Yeah.
I forgot what the valid email is.
We put so many bullshit ones out there, we can't remember our real place.
There is a valid one and I can't remember what the hell it is.
We also have an actual real phone number.
Hell if I know that one either.
Yeah, so I can't even remember the real one.
So, show prep.
Yeah.
Here I was talking about show prep and making a big deal out of it and I can't even remember our email.
So, anyhow, meanwhile, there's this one security guard named Sam that I kind of alluded to or actually went into a little bit.
Sam was a jealous little pussy bitch.
He constantly tried to get me kicked out and barred from all and like I said earlier, he did for a while for a couple of weeks and we went to court.
I got back in which really fumed his ass, burned his ass.
Because every time I seen him, I was like overzealous about it.
Hi Sam, how are you?
You came over for dinner tonight, little guy?
A little tiny bit of authority and it's gone.
You look cute today.
I beeped his nose one time.
He came out with unglued.
So, you know, me and David used to play moon tricks on Sam Cost.
Sounds like he deserved it.
Oh, he did, you know.
So, we quickly went to Jason to be the casual guy walking by to sell it.
So, Jason's over in the corner where the movie theaters upstairs used to be because then they went downstairs for a while and then they disappeared.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they used to be upstairs, mid upstairs.
So, I think right across from food court maybe.
I'm sorry if I remember correctly.
Now in my mind I'm getting confused with word Parkway because their movie theaters shifted around a bit too.
Okay, well anyhow, this is when they were upstairs because I remember that part well because people were coming in to go to movies and were screwing with them.
So, David and I set this one up perfectly.
We had a buddy that he won a backstage pass to Great White.
Oh, yeah.
Remember them?
It's a video shoot, okay, as an extra.
Oh, that'd be cool.
Yeah.
And he was in it, I don't know if it was once bit or something else, but he was in it.
And so, and on the back was stamped used.
Yeah.
But on the front it had an MTV logo.
It didn't have a specific band.
It just had, it didn't say Great White.
It just said extra for MTV video shoot.
And I remember really well it was green with an orange MTV on it with their famous logo.
Yeah.
It was really cool looking and it was like made with some sort of a, some sort of a really thick paper and it was engraved, I guess.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it was raised.
It felt great.
It felt like the seal of something.
Embossed paper.
Raise printing.
Raise printing, whatever.
Makes it a lot harder to counterfeit.
Plus, it makes it look cool.
So, our friend agreed to let us borrow this for a little while.
We got it back to him like we said.
We didn't tear it up or steal it or nothing.
So, Davey started waving the card in the air and making fun of me because he got this and I didn't.
He was like, hey, I'm going to be on this, I'm going to be on this whatever.
You know.
Yeah.
So, he's waving around going, I'm going to be on the video and you're not because you're too stupid and you couldn't win and all that stuff.
So, this magical card was supposed to be a freebie to be an extra on the set of MTV.
This is what we set it up to be, right?
A list of hundreds of bands.
The secret MTV guy walking around, he was walking around the mall and this was going to be Sam eventually.
So, the secret MTV guy that has these free magical passes was Sam only he didn't know anything.
So, Davey's like, da, da, da.
Fucking asshole.
So, automatically, see people getting ready to walk in, right?
Getting ready to go to movies.
Just like magnetic.
They're just staring at us.
And Davey's like, da, da, da, da.
And all this stuff.
Man, that sucks, man.
You get to go and I don't.
So, Davey is waving this around making fun of me and Jason will walk by.
They go, yeah, I fucking 112, I threw it at him because there's no punk bands on him.
Fuck that.
I don't want to go.
So, all of a sudden, those kids are fucking coming over.
What was this?
So, that's so clever.
Oh, yeah.
We set it up perfect.
So, the reason that we picked Sam to do this on that day was because we had the card for a couple of days.
He's wearing plain clothes.
And I guess he thought he was going to catch soft lifters or something not wearing his little fucking bitch outfit that he normally wore.
So, Jason, instead of us, goes, yeah, that fucking little douche right there is the one.
That's the secret MTV guy.
We didn't even say it.
He did it.
It sold it even more.
Because all these teens are like, fucking their heads spun around and they're staring at them.
So, Jason said, yeah, he goes, yeah, I bit him on the ear to get one.
So, the story was this.
It's getting better and better.
The more outrageous you were, the more likely you were to get a free pass.
It was perfect.
Yeah.
So, automatically, he had like fucking 50 teens jumping in front of him, fucking biting his ear, kicking him in the ass.
One guy was clucking like a chicken in the space.
Another guy was like, look, look, look, look, I'm a bird.
Some guy fucking jumped off to one side.
Another guy ripped off one of the trees and hit him with a switch.
And Sam was just fucking freaking out, man.
He's like, what the fuck?
And they're like, we want a pass.
We want a pass.
He's like, what pass?
This probably went on for fucking 25 minutes.
He was losing his mind.
Yes, he was.
He didn't know what was going on.
What planet did I wake up on?
He'd get 10 teens away from him, right?
And then you have 10 more teens attacking.
So, we leave.
We let this go on and let it go downhill.
And those teens told another one, get the pass from that fucker.
He didn't give us anything.
So, this just kept rolling on and rolling on and rolling on.
So, we come back a couple hours later.
We went to, oh, no, I know what we did.
We went to Andy's Santa Fe and had a burrito.
I remember the Andy's.
And we weren't even old enough to drink, but we still did because they never carted there.
We both had margaritas.
We were fucking laughing at our feet on the table and shit.
Davey had fucking flip flops on, so they eventually got mad and kicked us out.
Because you could see his toenails hanging out.
People didn't like that.
So, hey, we get back in.
And all of a sudden we see Sam coming by, all the shovels.
By this time, everything was gone.
It was all said and done.
I go, hey, Sam, do you want to know where all that came from?
Us.
Davey pulled out the cart and said, see this?
I go, yeah, you just been had, bitch.
Oh, he was fucking furious.
He turned around and said, you motherfucker, I'm going to get you out of here.
I'm going to get you guys kicked out for good.
I go, what for?
I didn't do anything to get Sam all.
We didn't get kicked out.
That was one of the best fucking pranks we ever played.
It was brilliant.
And I just thought about it the other day.
I'm like, my God.
There are some other ones I've got to remember that we did to him, too.
And then I got another one.
You listen to the solo cast, right?
I'm going to tell the story about the nut-biter.
Oh, yes.
Oh, gosh.
Biggin'.