Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's two douchebags and a microphone podcast.
Hello, this is Satan. You might know me from my pet name, Inflation. I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two douchebags and a microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day. Enjoy.
Brick Shithouse Energy Drink! That's right, Brick Shithouse Energy Drink! Make men feel like a girl!
You want to fuck shit up? You want to force gun across America? Brick Shithouse is for you!
Two douchebags and a microphone invade your ear holes in? Hey, who took a dump in the cooler?
Hello, this is two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark. And I'm Ross.
We're doing this in the morning as opposed to doing it in the evening like normal. So anyhow, if we sound a little asleep or something, there you go. That's what it is.
We'll do our best.
Yes, we will try to hang in there for you guys.
So, we've got some ass paddlin' coming up. We've got a whole bunch of little knickknack stories, this, that, and the other. A whole bunch of interesting things.
Rob, you've got something you want to get to right now or you want to get to a little bit later?
I will get to it later.
Okay, yeah. Rob has a lot to say, but he will say it a little bit later.
What the hell? Let's go into it.
Alright, Rob. The floor is yours.
Yeah, the reason why we're doing this in the morning is because I took last night off to go do some PR work.
And hopefully you had some fun, too.
Do what?
Hopefully you had some fun, also.
Yeah, yeah, I did.
Okay, good.
A couple weeks ago, me and my neighbor went to see that comedian, Damon Seaman, down at Batonville Dam.
Yes, and he knows his name is funny.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, he, yeah, he's, I like him. He's raw. If you see him, don't be offended.
But we get down there and the show had been canceled.
Someone mentioned that he had the flu or something or whatever.
I'm going to be watching for that reschedule.
And so we stayed there and had one drink, you know, and we left, come back to our side of the lake.
Did you have a yin-ling or what did you have?
They didn't have yin-ling.
Oh.
So I had a Budweiser and she had a Bud Light.
Okay, all right, wonderful.
Just for the drive over there, you know, instead of walking in and out.
That's cool.
And, you know, and so we went to this little bar up the street here that she goes to very often.
It's called the Neighborhood Bar.
Sounds cool.
And we walked into place, there was four people there and a bartender, you know, and I'm wearing my shirt, of course.
Well, we get talking about the podcast.
Sweet.
Once a month, they get together, I believe it's on a Saturday morning, and they have a potluck.
Right, they breakfast potluck.
Everybody brings breakfast food and everything.
What a great idea.
And they serve Bloody Mary's.
Oh, even better idea.
Yeah, yeah, you know.
Well, the bartender mentioned to me, you know, we were talking about the podcast and everything and what we do, you know, our platforms and everything.
She goes, well, come up to our potluck one morning and we'll turn the podcast on.
We'll all sit around and listen to your podcast.
Oh, I love that.
There we go.
Cool.
That'd be a great way to endow.
I believe, and that's what I'm going to go to.
So be expected some hits from candidates.
Okay, well, okay, Rob, you know the show really well.
You know the show probably as well as me and Topher do.
So, you know that our listeners, we dubbed them assholes.
Like everybody has their own thing.
Like, let's see, Stern has a whack pack.
Let's see, Opie and Anthony had the Pess.
I think Mankow had the Militia of Love.
Let's see.
Everyone had their own little brand for their name, you know, like Kiss Army, stuff like that.
So we dubbed our listeners assholes.
So maybe we'll get some new assholes by this.
That'd be great.
There you go.
I'm trying.
Yeah.
So, and we mean the term asshole very affectionately.
Go ahead, what?
Oh, and one other major announcement.
Okay.
I mentioned starting up a Rob Rad Facebook page.
I did not.
I started the new two douchebags and a microphone Facebook page.
We are up and running on Facebook.
Yes.
And I'm going to send Rob a picture of the Talk is Cheap Studios with myself.
So you will have both our pictures up there per, I forgot his name, that was not very happy with he couldn't see our faces.
So now you can see our beautiful mugs and see who is talking bullshit.
So my picture is on there.
I'm not in my studio.
My picture is on there.
All right.
Sounds good, man.
Rob, great work.
Great work.
I'm glad you got out last night.
Had a little fun.
That's cool.
By the way, we're up to as of long ago, 22 followers just off my friends list.
Very cool.
What a great idea, Rob.
You're really reaching out there and figuring out some stuff.
And I appreciate it.
I know there's people out there that want to know more about the podcast and appreciate it.
So thank you.
It's a cool thing what you're doing.
Anyhow, I have some emails.
I had a moment last night to jot down a few of them.
And that's when I fell asleep and I left my phone in the other room.
I was jotting down emails.
So anyhow, we'll get to some emails here in a little bit.
But I got this thing that I found that I found interesting.
They did.
I got quite a few articles on the Millennials and Gen Zs and stuff like that today.
And for some reason, my articles tended to go that route.
So anyhow, they did a poll with Gen Zers and Millennials both.
And they want to know what foods they think are sexy.
And then of course, us being douchebags, we came up with a list of foods that are not sexy.
Okay?
Right.
Okay, so first off, foods that the Millennials and Gen Z think are sexy, as per this poll of,
I think it said, a poll of 10,000 people.
Okay, number one food they thought was sexy was candy canes.
I could see that because you lick them and they're kind of like a pole.
They're striped.
Yeah.
So I think, yeah, yeah, I could agree with that.
That's probably erotic.
Number two was strawberries.
And I agree with that because you see those photos and pictures of like a woman with like
ruby red lips chewing on a strawberry, taking a bite out of one, right?
Yeah.
So yeah, I think so far they're spot on with this.
And the thing that gets me is this is the same stuff that maybe the Gen Xers and the
boomers thought was sexy too.
But of course we all know we're too old to think about sex now, so we're not sure.
But back in the day, yeah, back in the day we would have been like, yeah, yeah, hell,
hell yeah, that's fucking great.
Next one are cherries.
I would agree.
Because cherries go on top of banana splits and sundaes and mixed drinks and, you know,
and a little bit of everything.
And they do look damn sexy, don't they?
They're just sitting there on top of whipped cream, you know, just sitting there with their
legs crossed over, fucking in a recliner chair, fucking puffing on a cigar.
That's what a cherry does, right?
Yeah.
So far I agree with 100% of these.
Next one, red licorice.
And it said red licorice and I know why.
Because any other color of licorice is actually kind of gross, isn't it?
Yeah.
Red licorice I could see somewhat being erotic, so I think, I don't know, I'm kind of on the
fence about licorice.
Maybe, you know, maybe that's the one that we disagree on right there.
The only thing, I think the only thing we would have going for it would be the color,
the red.
Yeah, I agree because it goes along with red lipstick.
That tends to be more sexy, you know.
Yeah, you know what, Rob, yeah, that's it right there.
And that's probably why they added the red.
My problem is it's so high up on the list, it's like number four.
And I just don't view it as number four.
If it's anything, it would be way down the list, right?
Right.
So, you know, whatever, this is their opinion, so.
The next one I agree with wholeheartedly too, watermelon.
Unless you're spitting out the seeds, that's not sexy.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Other than that watermelon, yeah, I could see it.
Yep, okay.
The next one on the list is bananas.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
I, yeah, okay, all right.
I see where they're coming from.
Yeah, I think I do too.
I think I do too.
It could simulate an oral sex ritual, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, all right.
So the next one, and I don't know about this one because it kind of puzzles me.
Cinnamon toast.
Huh?
Cinnamon toast.
Cinnamon toast, according to the Gen Xs and the Zs, is one, two, three, four, five, six.
Number seven on the sexy food list.
I, I don't get it.
Can we agree to this?
I do not get it.
I do not either, not at all.
This next one I agree with even less.
A BLT sandwich, bacon, lettuce, and tomato.
I don't see, I don't see that at all.
No.
Okay, all right.
They're allowed to think it's sexy, but I think this is a poll of 20,000 people I think, right?
Or 10,000.
BLT just makes me hungry.
Yeah, me too.
A good amount of them had to say BLT.
It wasn't like a poll of five people in like one person's paper.
Right.
Oh, I'm going to write that too.
They legitimately think a BLT is sexy.
So, okay, anyhow, we'll move right along from that because obviously Rob and I don't see that at all.
Yeah.
The next one, a Hershey kiss.
I don't know.
To me it kind of looks like a little fucking nugget of poop or something.
Well, yeah, yeah.
I don't know.
Is it just because the name is kiss?
Yeah, yeah, and they sell tremendously around Valentine's Day.
Oh, Rob, you're right.
That's it right there.
And also, people put Hershey kisses on people's pillows.
You just deciphered it, Rob.
Good.
Okay.
Okay, now I agree with that.
Now I do.
Looking at it like that way, I agree with it.
But I've always wondered the same thing.
It looks like a turd.
Me too, yeah.
Yeah.
It looks like one of those little droplets when you got a little constipation and you
can't like...
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you look in the stool, you're like, I wonder what damage I did.
And you're like, what?
That's it?
I wasted 10 minutes for that thing?
Yeah.
Or your dog has a slight case of the lungs.
Yeah, yeah.
And you're like, you're a little dimple there and you're like, ugh.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, true.
This next one, I guess I kind of get, but I kind of don't.
A french fry.
Um.
Yeah.
Okay.
And then finally, there was more, but I only did like 10 of them.
I was like, I don't want to spend too much time on this.
Um, is a glazed donut.
I think, uh.
Okay, I could see that.
Yeah, yeah, me too.
Me too.
So, okay.
Glazed donut, I think is correct.
So.
Alright.
Next one.
Henry bottled two foods that are sexy.
Two douchebags in a microphone here.
Um, decided to do foods that are not sexy.
So, we have our top 10 foods that are not sexy.
And the first one that is not sexy is goulash.
Agreed?
I agree with that.
I think 100%.
Yeah, it's like little noodles and little meat and, uh, let's see, tomatoes.
Yeah.
Onions and all the stuff that you don't associate with sexy.
Correct.
Next one would be Brussels sprouts.
Man, my little.
I'm going to go strangle my little chihuahua.
She will not shut up.
Hang on a second.
Okay, I just screamed at my dog and it seemed to have worked.
I went ahead and paused it so no one would, uh, blow, so it wouldn't blow anyone's ears out.
But I will not.
She did scream.
And it worked.
Yeah, it worked.
Next one is Brussels sprouts.
I would agree.
I agree 100%.
Those little fart bombs would actually ruin sex.
Yeah.
Oh, speaking of that, I got an email that I got to let everybody in on after this.
Okay.
Um, okay.
Next one, I agree with this 100%.
Shepherd's pie.
I agree.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, there's like layers of garbage on that.
I mean, it's just like, it's like dump on a plate.
I mean, it's just like, oh my God, there's the diarrhea, there's the solid shit, and then there's the in-between shit.
Ugh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've never been, I've never been a Shepherd's pie fan.
It's like, no, no, no, you separate all that shit and put it on a plate.
You don't throw it all together and just throw it on, in a bowl.
No, no.
Okay, I like Shepherd's pie on a cold winter day.
Okay.
But yeah, there is nothing sexy about it.
I would agree.
And this next one, I agree with 100% too.
Um, meatloaf.
Meatloaf, I agree.
Yeah, yeah, not sexy.
This next one, definitely without a doubt.
Sauerkraut.
Yeah, nothing sexy there.
No, no.
Matter of fact, you'll make your damn, you'll pucker up so bad, you'll go flaccid.
Yeah.
Yep.
Next one, persimmons.
I don't know if everyone has actually seen a persimmon off of a tree.
Yes, I have.
But just take my word for it, they're not sexy, right?
I got sucker-dandy.
Fine.
Yeah, yeah, not good, is it?
A while, it's working.
I've never tried one.
They're horrible, aren't they?
Oh my God.
Yeah, they're horrible.
It's like sticking a, it's like putting a stick of deodorant in my mouth.
Nice and dry, yeah.
And it's hard to get that taste out of your mouth too, isn't it?
Oh, I had it straight through the water hose.
Yeah, that's about all you do.
I was doing vinyl siding.
Oh, cool.
Up in St. Joe.
If you get efficient at that, there's a lot of money in vinyl siding.
Yeah, there is.
Next one, dry dates.
I would agree.
I would agree with that one too.
And interesting enough, we have an article on dry dates coming up later.
It's a new trend.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, yep.
Next one in the dates category, raisins.
I agree with that.
Yeah, raisins or not, they're all crinkly and small and just, okay.
Next one, hummus of any kind.
I would agree.
I agree.
Yeah.
I do not stand the texture of hummus.
I know people are crazy about hummus.
To me, it's fucking weird in your mouth.
It's just not right.
Next one, kale.
100%.
Yeah, kale was a joke.
I'm going to say this again for people just now tuning in or whatever.
Kale was a joke.
This is what I've heard.
Word on the street.
Rumor has it.
Is kale was a joke.
They didn't think anyone would like it.
They put it out there for the public and they said, oh, this is a super food.
This stuff is great.
And people fell for it.
And they're just like, said, Mack, oh my God, this stuff is selling like crazy.
We didn't think one person would like this.
But like all these rubes are standing in line to get this garbage that we're going to throw away anyhow.
And that's how kale was invented.
It wasn't actually meant to be anything except a joke.
And then so.
Yep.
So next one, and I agree with this too, crab rangoon.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
100% without a doubt crab rangoon is not sexy.
Next one, squid.
I agree. Yep.
100%.
Next one, liver and onions.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
I can't even stand.
I can't even stand the smell of that shit.
Can you?
No, I can't either.
Oh, no.
I walk in room and someone's like cooking liver and onions.
I'm like, I'm out.
Can't do it.
Oh, my God.
Mike had tortured me a couple of times.
Oh, oh, God.
I was a kid.
Garbage on a fucking plate.
Yeah, nasty.
Next one and last one, and I agree with this 100% too, gizzards.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Gizzards are disgusting.
So let's take a slow break and we can come back with some emails.
Does that sound good, Rob?
I like that list.
That was a very good list.
I do too.
Yeah, yeah, yep.
Well, here at Two Douchebags and Microphone, we hear news stations saying we're working for you.
So are we.
We're working for you.
Yeah, we are.
Yeah, yeah, we care.
We scour the internet to find you the stuff that you really care about.
We get our hands dirty.
We get our nails dirty.
We dig in, right?
Right.
This is no joke.
I literally got up at 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning so you could hear me right now.
That's right, and I got up early too.
And so we're dedicated.
No, the fact is we have family coming in and I didn't think about it.
They've been in for a couple of days now and I didn't even think about it.
But Sunday is my like short day to work and they'll probably want to do something tonight.
And then Rob asked me the other day, he said, hey, I'm going to go do some PR Saturday night.
So I said, yeah, and then all of a sudden I realized my error.
I'm like, oh, shit, we've got to figure something out because we want to keep getting you the program regularly.
We want to get you accustomed to getting this show on a regular basis.
So anyhow, we're both here dedicated doing this early for you guys.
And so anyhow, here we are.
So let's take a look.
And we are doing two episodes right now.
Yes, yeah, yep, yep.
And then next week I'm off Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so we can figure out the best time to do them then.
Does that sound good?
OK, I'm off Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
OK, then we might do a special Thanksgiving episode that evening.
We can talk about it.
All right, you know what?
We'll figure it out.
Or Wednesday, you know what?
Maybe, you know what?
We'll figure all that off air.
So we will be right back with some emails.
Does that sound good?
OK.
All right, we'll be right back, guys.
Help! Help! Help! Help!
Oh, Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there.
Don't worry.
I have a clown nose.
Oh, no!
That drunk guy just hit my child.
It's OK.
I have a clown nose.
Clown nose.
Just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office?
Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Dandelion can be stewed with wild mustard and wild garlic for a very tasty stew.
You could even introduce our old friend the hickory nut for a bit of smoky flavor.
I smell bacon.
No, Wade. It's just Mark's sweating.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
The Mark Zuckerberg comedy hour has been removed from 10 more seasons.
And here we are, two douchebags in a microfilm.
We are back. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, as promised, we have some emails coming up.
So, but before that, Rob, you got anything you want to interject, anything you want to say at all or anything before I go to emails?
No, I've got some stories, but we'll get to them after a while.
Okay, just give me the Q1 and we will stop everything and turn the floor to you.
So the first email is, Hey there, just wanted to say thank you.
I really miss shows like yours being on the radio.
I listen to every podcast and you guys have me rolling.
I just wish you guys could do more podcasts per week, but I know the reason why you all can't.
I will take any show I can get from two douchebags.
Thank you again, Wayne in Florida.
Wayne, we wish we could do more.
I mean, if it was possible for us to do more, we would, wouldn't we?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, we love doing this show.
If they would have left the retirement age at 55, we'd both be retired.
We'd have all the time in the world.
Blame the government. Blame the government.
Yes.
They are the reason you're not getting three or four or five more episodes.
Or just having a regular full on couple, two to three hours every morning,
because that's the kind of douchebags we are, right?
Yeah. And according to Edward Jones, my retirement is 67 now.
Oh, that's better than most.
My retirement is looking pretty good.
Of course, when I had an unexpected event happen a couple of years ago,
I had to dip into it a little bit.
And the unexpected event was greedy motherfuckers doing what they do.
So anyhow, but you know what?
They all suffer their own fate, don't they?
And I won't go into that, but I know a little something, something.
And let me tell you, I am tickled pink inside.
So anyhow, moving right along.
And by the way, you guys know I'm talking about you.
Fuck you. Fuck every one of you.
Okay, next. Stop with the hairy asshole Olympics already.
Too much. Carla in Vegas.
No.
Too many people love it.
You are not the norm, Carla. Sorry.
But we get so many comments.
People love the hairy asshole Olympics.
So I don't know.
Maybe some easy listening would fit you better in the morning.
I don't know.
I mean, you know what kind of humor this is.
I mean, you listen.
You should like it.
Anyone that likes the rest of our humor should like hairy asshole Olympics.
Our humor is like a 14-year-old boy.
It's adolescent.
I mean, you know, it's shit and dick jokes pretty much, right?
So if you're not into that, you're not into that.
So I don't understand how someone could like the rest of the show
and not like hairy asshole Olympics.
So anyhow, Carla, thank you for listening.
But no, we're going to keep doing them because it's a very popular.
It might be our most popular segment.
It's up there.
So anyhow, thank you for listening.
But no, we're not going to stop it.
Too many people like it.
Next one.
I am an avid NFL fan.
I wish you two could maybe do a sports only show.
Maybe one every week.
Thank you, Brian in Iowa.
P.S., Rasslin included.
Something to think about, isn't it?
Yeah, yes it is.
There's a lot of NFL stories out there.
There it is.
We're not saying no.
Maybe we should do that as a, okay.
Okay, Brian in Iowa,
how about if we do one inaugural show and see how it goes?
And then if everyone feels strongly enough about it, including us,
we'll make it a regular segment.
Like once a week, it'll be dubbed our sports segment or sports show.
And yes, we can include Rasslin in it,
but I would also like to include Rasslin in the regular show
for people that don't like the sports show.
Right?
Right.
So you'd still do your segment on the regular show,
and then the sports show we can go a little bit more in depth on the whole Rasslin, okay?
Does that sound good?
Sounds good.
Okay.
Next one up.
Do you all do any prank calls?
That would be hilarious coming from you two.
Tom and Callie, and then it has North in parentheses.
So I guess that means he's from North Callie.
Thank you.
It's almost virtually impossible to do prank calls anymore because of the laws.
The only way you can do them is if some idiot calls you.
And the couple of times that I did do it, I tried to record it,
and it didn't come out right because I don't have the professional equipment,
and I don't know when these guys are going to call.
But the last time was a guy trying to sell me, shit, I can't remember what it was now,
like insurance or something.
And anyhow, the guy was jabbering at me.
I go, yeah, you know, call me back a little bit later.
My wife's in the hospital.
And then I told him to call me back at like 7 o'clock Friday or something like that, right?
So he calls me back at 7 o'clock Friday.
And then I forgot.
You know what?
I forget it.
I can't remember it all.
It's too early.
When I remember it all, I will parlay the story to you.
But anyhow, when he called up, I acted like I was, I said, no, no, this isn't Mark.
This is Lark, his brother.
And then he is like, and then he started trying to sell Lark his brother insurance.
He believed that.
The guy sounded just like me.
And then I told him, oh, hang on, hang on.
I get my wife's approval, the same thing I said to him in the first spot.
And I said, hang on, hang on.
She's in the hospital.
I have to get her approval.
And then he hung up on me and realized that I was fucking with him.
But it's a better story, believe me.
And I still have cobwebs.
I'll explain it.
You pulled the old, this is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl.
Yes.
Yeah.
And he bit.
And then after he bit, I was like, he starts trying to sell Lark and air quotations, the
same type of insurance or whatever the fuck it was.
And Lark told him, my wife's in the hospital, but I'll have to get her approval.
And by that time, he realized he'd been had.
And then another guy called me up from Jamaica and my phone said Jamaica.
And he was trying to tell me the IRS is after me or some shit.
And I told him, I said, that's funny.
I didn't know we had IRS agents in Jamaica.
How come my phone says Jamaica?
Oh, your phone lied.
And I started laughing at him and going, ah, I told him, you know what?
Do it.
Yeah, that's the problem with prank calls these days.
Everybody has caller ID.
Yeah.
And you can't get away with it like you could back in the day.
You can't target one business or nothing, man.
You know, you can't do that anymore.
It's illegal.
You can't call them up and fuck with them and put it on air.
You can call them up and fuck with it, but it's illegal to put it on air.
I believe is what it is.
So.
But if they call you, you can record it and put it on air.
You see, and that's how the ones that still do it get away with it is, is they have the
equipment right there.
They have the tools, bam, you know, they got it.
And, you know, so the problem is, is that right there?
I had a guy from Jamaica said he's IRS and we're coming back from a job.
We're in, we're in the work van.
We're coming back from a job in Colorado.
And, and anyhow, he starts fucking with me.
So, and, you know, trying to tell me I owed money and all this shit.
And I go, wow, I go, I didn't know we had an IRS agent in Jamaica.
And he's like, and I go, yeah.
And he goes, I go, my phone says Jamaica.
And he goes, oh, your phone lied.
Oh, my phone lied, huh?
So I started to proceed to tell him, I go, listen here, dickhead.
I go, you know what I'm doing right now?
I'm wiping my ass with hundreds.
And you're not getting one fucking son of it.
I said, I'm tearing up money.
I'm fucking burning up money.
You're not getting one fucking son of it, dickhead.
Fuck you.
So he starts fucking, oh, fuck you, man.
And I go, wow, man, IRS agent saying, fuck you to me?
Oh, geez, what's your name?
I'm going to report you.
What's your badge number?
And all this shit.
And I was just banning the fuck out of him.
And every time he'd say something, I go, oh, you dickhead.
And he's fucking getting furious.
So then he hangs up.
And I'm like, OK, hung up, man.
I fucking put too much heat on him.
And now he's over there rattled.
Then he calls back.
And he calls me a redneck.
And I'm like, oh, my god.
And I go, oh, god, man, I'm toast.
Oh, my god.
And I look at my friend Steve.
And I go, Steve, he just called me a redneck.
And Steve's like, oh, boy, pulling out the big guns.
Oh, man, shit.
I don't know what to do now.
I'm paralyzed with fear.
Oh, geez.
Oh, man, redneck.
Ah.
I guess in Jamaica, they think redneck is like a horrible fucking insult or something.
I take it as a compliment.
Yeah, like, well.
And then I proceeded to tell him where the word redneck came from.
And it came from farmers, because they were out in the sun all day.
And they come home.
And their neck was red.
Sorry.
I'm pretty much still got cobwebs.
Drink some more coffee, Mark.
You know what?
Hang on.
Everyone want to hear me gulp some coffee?
Hopefully, that was the magic one that did it.
Now I'm awake.
There we go.
OK.
We were doing emails.
OK.
Next one.
I wish you could get your voices more bass.
Oh, your voice.
Yeah, yeah.
Both our voices more bass.
Rob's voice is more consistent with yours than yours.
Sorry.
I'm reading this horribly.
OK.
Let me start over.
I wish you could get your voices more bass.
Rob's voice is more consistent than yours.
I love the show, but get annoyed when you have the volume all over.
Just my thoughts.
Terry in Minnesota.
OK, Terry.
I'm trying to figure out, like I said, I have a limited amount of time with everything going
on.
And I'm trying to figure out some pro tools.
From what I understand, pro tools is what I need to sound better and to come up with
better sounding bits and to come up with a more uniform volume on my podcast and everything.
You know, our podcasts are just done with basic equipment, right?
I mean, a computer, audio tonic, which is a form of audacity.
This is the best we can do right now.
Just bear with us.
We're getting better, like I said.
So all right.
Next one.
Maybe you do shows could do a show from the beautiful pride of Henry County, Montrose
sometime.
Jeffy X in Montrose.
Jeffy X does not live in Montrose.
No, he does not.
So do you want us to do a show from the power plant, the campground or the junkyard?
That's my question.
Write us back.
You want to do a show from all three of them?
No, I'll for real, I'm with here.
Yeah.
I'm sitting in one spot.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
They all right next to each other.
We could cover the whole town.
How about if we just go with what is it?
Is that 18 highway?
No, no, that's not eight.
Seven highway.
Okay.
We could do a show on seven highway and they could all hear us.
How's that?
Yeah.
Okay.
And last but not least, this one I picked out because it just came in yesterday because
it needs to be aired right now.
Mark, I did crop dust you at work and we'll do it again.
P.S.
Everyone thought you did it, Jeffy and KC.
Okay.
Well, number one, people like stealing Jeffy X's name.
Number two, is that legitimate or is that someone acting like they did it?
I don't know.
I guess I'll find out if I get crop dusted again pretty soon, right?
Yeah.
So anyhow, yeah, I'm pretty sure my suspicions were correct.
I got shit all over and then someone bolted.
Yeah, someone shit and bolted.
And it definitely looked like I'd done it, but I didn't.
I was a victim like everyone else in that room.
There was like literally shit dust and shit air all over that room.
You could actually shine a flashlight and see little brown particles.
It was horrible.
And it was the elephant in the room because no one wanted to say anything.
No one was quite sure who done it.
But it definitely looked like I did it because I was the one sitting down stationary like I could have like mustard one up that bad.
So anyhow, if that is you who shit all over me, I will catch you.
I will find you and I will kick your asshole in.
I will deform your asshole to where your asshole sends all the gas up through your nostrils instead of your asshole.
Do you got that?
That is what's going to happen.
Fuck.
So anyhow, Rob, did you know we're moving right along here?
That's all of the emails, guys.
Thank you.
I would like to say thank you everybody.
I like to say I'm getting caught up, but no, I'm not.
People are sending in stuff everywhere.
They're sending me in huge articles that they want me to cover.
But this is an hour long program.
There's no way.
And lots of them are so in depth, quite frankly, we can't really tell a dick joke on some of them.
You know, I appreciate your guys' thought and everything, but we're not a news outlet.
I mean, you know, someone sent me some stuff on currency and some other things.
And yeah, I see what you're saying, and I may or may not agree with it.
But there's just not enough time.
I mean, it's an hour program, and we're here to try to make people laugh.
So thank you for sending me these articles.
There's this one guy in particular sent me 10 articles he wants me to cover.
It's just impossible.
So, you know, even if I scaled them down, it's impossible to do all these articles.
So thank you for sending.
Thank you for taking the time.
And I've got another thing is if an email just says, hey, love the show, keep up the good work, I can't, you know, there's too many of them.
So I can't just like it's going to be left out.
But just know it's read and it's appreciated.
I pass the word on to Rob.
So thank you for doing that.
And we appreciate you listening.
But please observe, there's just not enough time for us to get to everything.
So anyhow, do you know what tool bag is now space junk?
Well, the Orbán and astronauts have accidentally let go of a tool bag they were using for maintenance.
The bag can never be retrieved, therefore making it space junk.
So I guess Elon Musk is not the only tool bag in space now.
Hey, no, no.
Now there's another tool bag in space besides Elon.
OK, so.
Well, they're a good company.
Another little tidbit I'm going to get to here.
So I was taking a dump after my colonoscopy in a public restroom.
Well, I look over at the wall and I see a foldable self folded up latch to the wall.
And it was labeled baby hanging station.
I was the first thing I'm what the fuck.
Then I realized the sea was rubbed off on the baby changing station.
I think that night I think the night night juice had not completely wore off yet.
It really looked like baby hanging station.
I'm like, what the fuck?
Then I realized, wait a minute, Mark, little night night juice, huh?
The night night juice still lingering.
I think so.
So Rob, did you go ahead?
Go ahead.
I was just going to say, do you remember us covering that story about the Orca whales running into sailboats?
Yes.
Yeah.
We're tipping them over.
I have an update.
Oh, OK.
I'm team whale, by the way, I'm team whale all the way.
Oh, you're going to love this one.
OK.
After a series of incidents this year where a population of Orca whales in the Iberian Peninsula began targeting and seeking sailboats,
sailors in the region are looking for ways to deter the massive marine mammals.
A German sailor told the New York Times that his crew turned to a heavy metal playlist blasted through underwater speakers to scare off Orcas.
Although in his experience, the playlist proved to be a complete failure.
Andrew Trites, director of the Marine Mammal Research Unit at the University of British Columbia, told Business Insider that using flash and blaring tunes to avoid Orcas could help the whale find the boats.
Initially, playing the loud sounds underwater might mask the signature sounds of sailboats, but ultimately the whales could catch on and use it more easily, locate vessels playing it.
So they're calling the whales.
This is what they're doing.
I knew whales were cool.
But I love the fact that whales like heavy metal.
No, that's what I'm saying.
I knew whales were cool.
And I'm still I'm even more team whale than ever now.
Oh, me too.
Me too.
Go whales.
That's a great story.
I love that, Rob.
All right.
Let's take us a little break.
And did you know that there is conspiracy theorists that think that Wyoming is not a constant pursuit for a real knee slapper?
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You are dressed like an assistant debate coach at an Ohio State middle school.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room.
Wait five minutes and scream.
Hey, there's no toilet paper in here.
And now deep thoughts with Mark.
I sure wish I was the garbage man.
You know, I could do if I was a garbage man.
I could go to the wrong parts of town on the wrong days periodically in the morning and then watch everybody run out of their house in their underwear with two bags of trash screaming, stop, halt.
Yeah, that's what I'd love to do.
All aware of the amber alert, right?
Well, get rid of your disinfectants and rubber bedspreads, kids.
It's the all new amber herd alert system.
This fantastic early warning device helps one stay dry and rid of all those annoying mattress invoices.
Simply hook up to child under six or psychopath and wait for the running water sound.
This clever machine has three distinct settings, babbling, ocean waves and roaring river for those close.
Order today and get a free Cinnabon Renews it Cartridge.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Your head goes on every door.
Oh, shit.
What's that over there?
Oh, no, it's island horrible jokes.
I can't take my dog to the lake.
The ducks keep attacking me.
That's what I get for having a purebred dog.
And we are back to Deucebags and microphone on Mark.
And I'm out.
Okay, like I mentioned, there are conspiracy theorists.
You know, there's flat earthers, right?
You know, the people think the earth is flat.
And there's a lot of other ones, you know, like the Illuminati, all this stuff.
I mean, some of it I think has been proven to be true.
Some of it has been proven to be false.
I mean, you got to pick and choose what you hear and read on the Internet.
Of course.
I mean, there's people out there, there's whack jobs, and there's people that actually know what they're talking about.
Well, this one right here, to me, just seems like maybe people fucking with other people.
I don't think they believe this, but maybe they do.
If they do believe it, then I don't know what to say.
But they think that Wyoming is not real.
They think that the government came up with Wyoming.
It doesn't exist, is what they say.
So I've been through Wyoming.
I've seen it.
I mean, it's there, I'm sure.
So, okay, on Reddit, go ahead.
I've been in Wyoming.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm pretty sure it's there.
I'm pretty sure it's not some sort of a ruse.
So anyhow, the argument really is, and this is on Reddit, have you ever met anybody from there?
Yes, I have.
I knew somebody that lived there.
And it being so small, the answer is probably not, said Wyoming native, Dailene Braziletun, 21.
He is one of several moderators on the Wyoming Doesn't Exist subreddit who basically patrol the message board
and make sure users are following the rules.
I think that why it's so prevalent in the U.S. is that it's such a big state, but such a small population,
that it's really easy to imagine it a far off land and no one really living there.
The argument almost becomes metaphysical.
There are people who argue strongly for and against the existence of higher powers or religious certainty,
but whether or not those beliefs are true, when the argument is broken down to pure reason and language,
there are holes to be poked, of course, because like I said, I know people from my,
I knew two people that lived in Wyoming prior to coming to Missouri, and I've been through it, and so has Rob.
Have you known anyone that lived in Wyoming?
Actually, I know somebody that moved to Wyoming.
See? Okay.
Did they ever like call back and go, dude, I can't find it, it's not here?
No, no one.
So they're there?
They're basically.
So they're there living? Okay.
Yeah.
Those who conspire about the Cowboy State not existing are hole pokers.
Have you ever been to Wyoming? And it says no, but I have.
Do you know anyone from Wyoming? And then he says no.
And this is on Reddit. Then it must not exist.
Wyoming deniers.
One definition of Wyoming in the online urban dictionary says the Cowboy State is a fictional place.
And this is the urban dictionary, okay?
It's not like Webster. Okay.
One definition of Wyoming in the online urban dictionary says the Cowboy State is a fictional place
that people who try to drive north over the border will find themselves mysteriously transported to Canada, confused in sans clothing.
So they say when you try to, this is the online urban dictionary, they say when you try to go to Wyoming, you're going through Wyoming, right?
You see the sign and as soon as you go through there, you're automatically transported to Canada naked.
So to me, that sounds like a big ha ha and people just aren't getting it.
The glory of the theory is that it can't be disproved.
Brazil, Brazil, Tim said there are many Wyomingites or who would argue against the claim and many Wyoming doesn't exist.
Truthers would gladly take up the debate.
The theories get zanier and more and more as they're explored.
Some of the popular ones involve the likes of alien coverups, residual Cold War, one of the ship in general,
be fettle mint as the absurdity of a state so big with such a relatively small population existing.
This is the only thing that Wyomingites have.
Brazilian 10 said we're not super prevalent in the media for anything else.
This is our thing.
I know a lot of people from Wyoming are super interested in this idea because it's finally our chance to be in the spotlight.
But I also think it's just fun for people to be a part of the quote unquote conspiracy theory that doesn't harm anybody.
Let's see when Wyatt Brisbane 21 was a high school student growing up in Delaware or as he calls it, the other mostly forgotten state.
He and his friends had an epiphany.
It started off completely away from Reddit, said Brisbane.
Another Wyoming doesn't exist moderator.
When I was in high school, me and my friends, we just had a running joke of Wyoming.
It's not real.
He said lowest population, last in alphabet, lowest on all lists.
It's not real.
It's all a big conspiracy.
After high school, he discovered he was not alone in his thinking in a moment that supports the possibility of a collective unconsciousness.
He learned that there were others all around the world who came up with the same conclusion.
It was just our own little inside joke.
And then it just kind of blew up into into I found this whole other community of people who have independently gotten there as well.
Brisbane said there are many possibilities as to why these are drawn to conspiracy theorists by why they buy into them.
It's an Internet era where misinformation can be easily manufactured and spread.
New conspiracy theories from innocuous topics such as Wyoming to the JFK assassination to more serious debates about Jeffrey Estes fate and the possibility of voter fraud have become fairly common.
Sometimes a conspiracy may be constructed to provide an answer from or a sense of some closure for something that is unanswerable or unresolved.
The Wyoming doesn't exist theory is much less serious than that.
So this is why people are so adamant adamant about it and having fun with it is because it doesn't harm anybody.
It doesn't say anyone's doing anything wrong.
They're just simply it's tongue in cheek saying Wyoming doesn't exist.
It's a big joke.
Actually, Rob, I think it's funny that people even focus their energy on it.
Really?
I mean, it is very entertaining when you think about it.
And and I'll tell you another reason, too, is because Wyoming is such an odd piece of land.
Yeah.
And there's all these theories about, you know, UFOs and aliens and all that stuff.
And I think that's where it originated is, is because it's kind of like land of the UFO.
There's been so many UFO sightings there, so many alien sightings.
There's so many things that I think that if you're going to pick out a state, Wyoming is probably the state.
Right. Yeah.
So, yeah, I mean, it sounds to me like people, most people came up with it as a joke.
And then it started from there and then it grew legs.
And then I'm not saying some people don't actually believe this, but I'm saying that a lot of people are just having fun with this.
So anyhow, you know what?
I think I'm going to go on Reddit and screw with people.
What do you think?
Yeah. Yeah.
Why not?
All right.
Real quick, I want to do a plug to a great listener.
And she is part of a of a travel agency.
And anyone looking for a cruise or any type of vacation at all, please look up Wendy Whitbeck on Facebook.
W H I T B E C K Wendy Whitbeck at Travel Masters.
She is the best.
You will not find a better deal anywhere.
You'll not find a better deal, a better vacation anywhere.
Let her do this for you.
She doesn't charge a dime.
It's just it's a it's a free service.
She doesn't get your money from you.
So the thing is, is they do a great job.
So go go see her if you're planning a vacation.
She is awesome and a great listener.
And we're going to join her in February on the Carnival Jubilee, the brand new ship that has the roller coaster on it and an emerald restaurant and all different kinds of features.
So anyhow, Wendy Whitbeck of Travel Masters.
See her.
Go get your vacation from her.
Great person.
Great lady.
You'll love her.
You'll love talking to her.
You'll love dealing with her.
She makes it easy.
I just sent her a message going, hey, I'm thinking about I'm thinking about a cruise.
Can you send me some ideas?
Think and then then and a great deal and she'll find the best deal for you.
So go do business with her.
She's a great person and she'll find you the best deal and it doesn't cost you a dime.
So it's a win win for everybody.
So Rob, let's turn our attention.
Yeah, please do Rob.
She's on my Facebook adder.
OK.
Yeah, just ban around some ideas about what you got and and she'll find you the best option.
Maybe we'll be on a cruise of me and Val and her on.
Who knows?
Yeah.
So anyhow, Rob, do you have anything you want to go to?
Yeah.
I ran across another story here and.
Influed bottle brand Stanley got some of the best free marketing it could ever hope for when one
customer shared a video of her cup after it apparently survived a car fire and then offered to replace
the burnout vehicle.
Danielle, who goes by the handle, Danny Marie lettering on TikTok upload a shocking video on the platform
showing the aftermath of a fire that damaged her car.
In the video, Danielle shows the interior of her car, which looks like that an inside mug in the cup holder
appears to have remained undamaged and still in pristine condition.
When she takes the bottle, it clinks with ice, but also appears to have survived the fire.
Millions of views.
And it hasn't been able to independently verify the claims made in TikTok.
OK, they do that in there.
Your phone's cutting out for some reason.
Could you go over that last part one more time, please?
Insider hasn't been able to independently verify the claims made in the TikTok.
OK, so they threw that out there.
OK, got it.
I said I got it now.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry.
Stanley's global president, Terrence Riley, then posted a stitch with Daniel's video on the brand's TikTok account saying,
we've all seen your video.
Wow, what an ordeal.
And we're all really glad you're safe.
He added, I've seen a lot of comments that we should send you some Stanwits.
Well, we're going to send you some Stanwits.
But there is one more thing, and we've never done this before.
And we'll probably never do it again.
But we'd love to replace your vehicle.
Yeah, all of us at Stanley would really like to replace your vehicle.
So Stanley is doing this?
Yes, yes.
Very cool.
I've always liked their company.
They have quality products.
I think they're still made in America, aren't they?
Yeah, they are.
Well, here's my problem with this story, Mark.
OK, go ahead.
Is a Stanley good enough to protect ice in a fire?
I don't see it.
Ah.
That's my opinion.
Well, OK, Rob, let me put it like this, though.
Let me put it like this.
Why safe rooms protect you from fires?
OK?
So let's say you're in a school, OK?
And you're in a safe room, also known as a tornado bunker or a bomb shelter or whatever.
OK, they're so well insulated that a fire won't touch you.
It can demolish everything around you, and you'll come out unscathed if you're in that room.
So how come they can't do the same technology on like a cooler?
Yeah, this is a cup.
No, I mean a cup.
I'm sorry, but I relate it to a cooler.
It's possible.
I will give it that.
I think it's very possible.
As a matter of fact, you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to look this up, and I'm going to go to Snopes and a couple of other outlets and see what they say about it.
As a matter of fact, I mean, if you really want to get down to it, there's like online shows.
Remember that show Bullshit?
Yeah.
Where they tried to prove whether it's shit or not, whether it's a lie or not.
I think maybe one of those outlets might have covered something like this, and if not, you could probably send in the idea, and they will do a replica of it is what they do.
They'll come up with the same heat and fire that would have generated from her car, and then have the Stanley insulated cup in the middle to see if that's true.
Yeah.
Actually, I'll do it.
It was a 40 ounce tumbler.
Okay.
I'll tell you what, I'm going to do it myself.
I'm going to take a 40 ounce tumbler, Stanley tumbler, and I have a big pile of brush that I need to burn on the next decent day without a lot of wind that I'm going to burn.
I will put that cup in the middle, and then after the fire is out, I'll let it cool off, and then I'm going to check and see if the ice is still intact.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
I'm not sure when this is going to happen, and I will film it.
That's right.
I'm going to film it, and I will put it up on Rob Radd's Two Dish Bags in a Microphone Facebook page.
How's that?
Sounds good.
All right.
We will either prove or disprove this at a later date.
All right.
How about a verbal handshake?
You got it.
Verbal handshake it is.
Cool.
All right.
Well, we're coming to the end of this podcast.
Thank you guys for listening.
I didn't get to the ass paddlers, but never fear the next one, we will lead off with the ass paddlers.
All righty.
All right.
Thank you guys for listening, and we will talk to you guys at the next one, which is coming right up, but you won't hear that one because it's going to be a separate podcast.
Right, Rob?
Thank you, everybody.
Yeah.
Thank you, everybody, for listening.
We'll talk to you here soon.
Bye.
Hey, where do they go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.