Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
We are Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
As charming as a leaky sewer pipe, and now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Should I record frog sounds in the summer, then play them when it's zero degrees on my ring doorbell for the Amazon guy?
Yeah, that sounds like fun.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors and horrible pranks? What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
Two Douchebags and a Microphone. I am Mark.
And I am Rob.
Welcome, welcome. Thanks for joining us again. I see our listenership is still going nuts. Did you see the numbers the last couple of days?
No, I haven't. I haven't looked in a few days.
They've been really, really, really solid. The trends are just keep going up and up. We're already doing okay anyhow.
Thank you all for listening. Tell your friends. I mean, look, I mean, this is, you know, we don't have any advertisement, you know, we have no way of paying for any advertisement because we are not advertising right now.
You know, it's just it's it's the thing of the podcast, you know, podcasts. If you ever make some money on it, you're actually really probably fortunate because to every one person that makes a decent living off of it,
there is probably 100,000 people that do not make a dime off of it and probably lose money.
So, you know what? Keep telling people and who knows, man, maybe one of these days will break even.
But anyhow, you know what? We're still having fun with this. We enjoy it. We were glad you enjoy it.
I did not have a chance to get the emails, but I'm going to try to do that tomorrow, hopefully after my colonoscopy.
But today was spent on the pot a good majority of the day doing what you have to do the day before your colonoscopy.
So anyhow, I in a little bit later, I've got a wrestling question for you, Rob.
Okay. But first, I've got an interesting story.
Let me preface this by saying this. Okay. Super Bowl 54, the one in 2020, the one that we played the San Francisco 49ers in and we won.
I went to the kitchen to watch the second half of the game because every time I went to the kitchen, we done well.
Every time I came back to the living room, we're getting our ass kicked.
And we know that that game was very tumultuous. At first, it was like pulling teeth.
But then when Kansas City kind of got it together, they pulled it out and looked pretty good.
But until then, it was like real dicey. And it was like really in question, especially at second interception, whether we were going to win or not.
So every time I go in the kitchen, we do something great, like get a sack or, you know, get a big run or, you know.
These superstitions are real. You know, there's even been commercials about it, you know, like Doritos commercials where guys like or maybe it's a beer commercial.
You know, you remember what I'm talking about where, you know, yeah, it's like, okay, well, I got to eat this right here.
I got to do this right here and I got to wear this jersey. Well, I've been like that for a long time.
Even before I knew it was a thing, I've been superstitious about especially football.
I mean, well, football is my game. I don't really care for baseball that much anymore for obvious reasons because it's just not competitive.
And they refuse to do anything about it. And greed is taking over the whole fucking thing. And I'm done with it.
So anyhow, you know, football is my thing. And I've been really like that for a long time.
So I came across this story and I wasn't going to do it at first. I'm like, no, this is this is a story I need to lead off with.
And here's why. Okay. Patrick Mahomes has a superstition that he does. Did you know this, Rob?
Yeah, actually, I read that the other day.
Okay. Well, I'm getting ready to go into it right now.
Okay. Athletes are famously superstitious bunch. They are known for having all kinds of different good luck charms and pregame rituals.
For Patrick Mahomes, quarterback of the Kansas City Chiefs, it's a pair of underwear he first wore as an NFL rookie.
And which he has worn for every single game ever since.
Originally a game day gift from his wife, Brittany Matthews, at the time, now she's Mahomes, during the first season with the Chiefs,
the Red Lululemon boxers have proven to be very lucky indeed for the quarterback. Most recently at this year's Super Bowl.
First, my wife, Brittany, got them for me. I have to wear them, you know.
Mahomes told brothers Peyton and Eli Manning on their podcast this week, at the same time I threw them on that first season.
We had a pretty good season that season. Mahomes joked that he has kept his briefs in good condition forever over the last six years.
And he kept washing them. And I would like to say something about the Manning podcast.
That thing, or not the podcast, but the, what do they call it, the Manning cast, it's on ESPN2.
And instead of listening to Buck and Aikman dribble their bullshit, you can actually listen to something clever and funny.
And I love the Manning brothers because they have a way to get stuff out of people because they're real.
They're just up there bullshitting. And it was great. I mean, you know, they got stuff out of Mahomes that was really cool.
I don't think we would have found out about these red boxers if it wasn't for the Manning cast.
And those two are just absolutely brilliant. And I, man, I would love to see them do like a regular show or something, you know, maybe on sports.
It could be anything. I don't care. They could be talking about the weather. And I think those two guys would be entertaining.
So anyhow, it takes like them to get a story like this. And I really appreciate it.
But Mahomes, he said that he only wears them for game day. He added, they're not too worn down. I clean them. I wash them every once in a while, at least.
I mean, if we're on a hot streak, I can't wash them, you know. And you know what? Yeah, I did that with a jersey.
Mahomes jersey. And then it switched over to Kelsey jersey when my pug got to hold my Mahomes jersey.
But now I've been known to switch jerseys in the middle of a game. If it's not going so well, then I'll have to go the other jersey, you know.
So anyhow, and this is the one that's chewed up by my pug because I refuse to let it go because that was the jersey that we won the initial Super Bowl number 24, I believe,
or something like that against San Francisco, not the one last year. So, or actually it was this year.
So, as long as I'm winning football games, I'll keep the superstition going, he said. I love the realism. I love the fact that that came out.
I love stories like that. I think stories like that are unique and cool. And they're stuff that I like. And I hope that anyone heard this.
If you didn't hear it before, you enjoyed it. So, anyhow, Rob, while we are speaking about sports,
I have a rasslin' question for you.
Sure.
Okay. WWE NXT. Are you familiar with it?
Yeah.
Okay.
NXT.
NXT. Okay, what did I say?
NXT.
Okay. Alright, well I'm kind of tired because I didn't sleep very well last night, you know, because this...
No, I understand.
Yeah, so.
NXT is like the minor leagues. But they are coming on strong. They're showing as much as the WWE.
That's funny you say that because that's exactly what I was going to ask. Is this like the minor leagues of wrestling?
It started out like the minor leagues. They come in and start there, then they upgrade.
Okay, because I just caught a brief part of it a little bit ago. And I'm like, well, that's interesting.
They're not making it go against their main channel, you know, their main show. But they do give it a prime time.
No, they're all the same company.
Yeah, that's what I thought. I mean, otherwise it probably wouldn't have been called WWE. But, okay, so the purpose is,
it's up and coming, but what you're saying is it's becoming its own?
Yeah, actually a lot of the WWE stars are dropping back and going and doing shows in NXT.
No shit. Really?
Yeah, a lot of the big names. They're wrestling and both.
Why do you think they're doing this? Is it more exposure, more air time?
That could be, yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Okay, that makes sense.
I really don't truly know the reason behind it.
I mean, I gotta be honest, the product was pretty good from what I watched. I was like, you know, this is pretty cool.
They have a lot of good talent in NXT.
A lot of people I've never heard or seen of before, but they had their own gimmick. They had their own personality,
their own swagger, their own sway. You know what I mean? Because that's what you need in wrestling is your swagger and sway.
Female or male, it doesn't matter. You have to have your own gimmick. You gotta have your own thing.
Yeah, your character.
Yeah, your character. Smell what the Rock is cooking. What are you gonna do when Hulk runs wild over you?
You know, all this stuff is, you know, hell, I think most of it is trademarked.
So anyhow, okay, that's what I was wondering. And speaking of trademarks, I had a discussion with my trademark lawyer the other day,
one of them, and he loves the name of the show. He couldn't quit laughing. And anyhow, I'm hoping he wants to do a call in,
and I hope he does. I would love to have a lawyer call in, but I would love to not only hear him talk,
he's an educated, smart guy, and he could talk about anything he wanted. I don't care. I mean, if you hear this,
I'm not gonna say your name, but if you hear this, I would love to have you on. You got my email, email me.
But the thing is, you could talk about anything from lawyer to, he said that he likes sports and comedy,
so that fits right in with what we do. He's a big Minnesota Vikings fan, so he wants to bash Green Bay.
I'm like, sure. That's fine with me.
Why not? Why not?
Yeah, why not? Who cares? I said there's a lot there to bash.
You're more than welcome. You're more than welcome.
Bash away, buddy. Bash away. So anyhow, it was pretty cool, but I would love to hear a professional's take on this show.
Would a lawyer person be like, oh my God, that's so immature, or would they be like, you know what,
this is really kind of dirty and tongue-in-cheek, but it's very enjoyable. I would love to hear what someone like him
would think of the show, because that would give me more, and you too, Rob, more insight on which way we need to go, right?
Right, right.
Yeah. So anyhow, so Rob, how have you been? You got anything going on?
Not really. Just same old, same old. Working podcasts. That's about it.
Okay. Cool. Good. Well, I've just been shitting my brains out.
Yeah, it sounds like it.
I mean, to be honest, there's not that many brains, so I mean, most of it's like water now.
I shit my brains out there like a whole one and a half ounce. Then after that, it's just straight water.
Slightly colored water at this point. So anyhow, I think I'm getting near the end of whatever's in me.
I hope so. I hope so too. I hope so.
Anyhow, and I know it's TMI, so you know what? Deal with it. We're getting ready to get off the subject.
So you know, Rob, there's a new product out called Pringles X.
No, I didn't.
Pringles X is caviar with Pringles. How the hell they came up with this? I have no idea.
Was somebody like on mushrooms and said, hey, you know what we need to do?
What, man? We need to do Pringles with caviar.
Yeah, man. That sounds good. Give me one of those shrooms.
I don't know. I mean, that is such an odd combination. It baffles me how it came about.
But it's interesting enough to report on, don't you agree?
I'm going to guess it was somebody rich. I used to watch Chris Lee Knows Best.
And he had a Pringles addiction.
Good point. My God, Rob.
And he could have third-guided her.
You know what, Rob? That is an excellent point. Maybe that is what brought these two together, is that mindset.
All right. Okay. Well, I see it now. I didn't see it before, but now you kind of...
But yeah, it doesn't sound very appetizing to me.
No. Me neither. Me neither.
So anyhow, Pringles X is, when you buy one of these,
one ounce classic sturgeon caviar, one ounce smoked trout roe,
three 2.5 ounce cans of Pringles sour cream and onion, and one original barbecue.
I don't understand how they got that formula of three cans of sour cream and onion and one barbecue.
There are so many different flavors. I don't know why they didn't mix in a cheddar.
I don't understand that part, but maybe...
It's regular.
Yeah. Maybe the type of caviar was more, I don't know,
fit more with sour cream and onion and an original barbecue. I don't know.
But also...
That could be.
It could be. Who knows?
So also two disposable spoons, one caviar tin key,
which you would need because caviar is open like, you remember those old fashioned sardine underwood cans that you open with a key?
This is no different.
And gel ice packs. This retails for 140 bucks, which sounds to me,
with the sturgeon caviar and the smoked trout.
I mean, I think that's a pretty decent price, isn't it?
I would think so with that caviar.
Yeah, I would think so too. But anyhow, it retails at 140 bucks.
And as far as I know, the only outlet to get it is online.
And the article I read is the best thing you can do is Google it, and it will take you to a page to where you can order this.
And like always, anything like this is a limited time supply.
So if you really want to do this, you better get on it because it will probably be gone soon.
Would be my...
Whether people love it or not, they're going to jump on this, right?
Yeah.
So if you like caviar and Pringles and you have 140 bucks to throw at this, I suggest you do it quickly.
Because if not, I think this whole thing is going to be gone here in probably a month or two, if it lasts that long.
But, Rob, you know what?
What?
Jeffy X got a hold of me after I sent him this article.
Wow, he's on overtime.
I got to buy him another hooker.
What am I up to now, five?
Yeah, I think you're up to five.
Five hookers.
I may have to make him a whole wardrobe.
I guess.
I mean, you're already getting him the embroidered underwear with his initials and with the Steven Pearcey pouch in front to where he can sit up as much as he wants.
I mean, what next?
A robe or something?
Well, I've already snuck in a matching pair of socks.
Oh, Rob, you're a great man.
You know he's going to love that.
He's going to love that.
Are you putting Jeffy X on it?
No, with all the overtime he's put in, we're going to have to help it.
I know.
He has actually uncovered caviar combos that failed.
Is he not something?
This should be interesting.
Yeah, how he gets this stuff I have no idea.
But I was at work the other day and I sent that article during break and I had to ditch it to the bathroom to download it real quick because you know the rule.
In 10 minutes, this email will disappear.
Every time he sends me an email with this information on it, it has to disappear because he's afraid of getting caught.
So he's not supposed to be sending out these lists that he went undercover to get.
So anyhow, thank you, Jeffy X.
We know it's a very dangerous job and you're going to be rewarded handsomely with five hookers embroidered underwear with a Steven Peartsey pouch in the middle to make your crotch look as delightfully big as you want.
As many socks.
But I think a man like Jeffy X probably doesn't have to stuff anyhow.
What do you think?
I'm going to give it a good throw this time.
I'm going to say he doesn't have to stuff.
Just in case he wants that little edge when he goes out, he has a Steven Peartsey pouch in right there in his crotch area to where he can fill and fool all he wants.
So we know he's got big hoonies.
I mean, he's got huge nuts.
I mean, yeah, I salute you, Jeffy X.
But with this, I have to come.
I have to tell you this list here.
Number one fail was caviar and tube socks.
I don't know how the two went together.
I don't know who came up with this.
I get it.
You know, people that are interested in caviar probably didn't give one ounce of shit about.
I'll put it like, OK, here, I'll change it.
Anyone that likes caviar does not wear tube socks, right?
They were like the old gangster silk socks or something, probably with the little suspenders on them and all that stuff.
Yeah.
So anyone that likes caviar doesn't wear tube socks.
They're like, oh, my God, that's what those cretins fucking wear.
I'm not a part of this.
So I see that.
Number two, I'm kind of I'm kind of interested about this one because I mean, this one makes a little bit of sense to me.
And Rob, you can interject caviar and banana splits.
Don't you think a little bit of fish eggs on top of the fucking ice cream mound next to the banana would be delicious?
I think that'd be pretty good.
I think so, too.
I don't know what they were thinking, what the focus group was thinking.
I have no idea.
But I know just with the whipped cream by itself.
Yeah.
You'd be even just as good if you took the caviar and mixed it with sardines and mustard sauce and put it on top of the banana split with chocolate syrup.
Oh, there you go.
My mouth is my Pavlov's dog here.
I'm just like my mouth is drooling.
Next one to fail.
I think I get why.
But Rob, correct me if I'm wrong.
Number three is caviar and rice pudding.
Once again, we go back to our good old buddy Rice Pudding reminds people of maggots.
So you have caviar with rice pudding and you have these little eggs mixed with this maggot looking stuff.
So I could see how people like, I don't think I'm going to have anything to do with that.
I could see why people are standing back on that one.
So OK, I see how number three failed.
Do you?
Yes, I see.
OK.
All right.
Number four.
I think this would have been fantastic myself.
McRib with pure diced caviar meat.
Yeah, McDonald's tried to get in the caviar game, I guess, a few years ago when they're going to make a McRib out of caviar meat.
It was going to be diced and they're going to like press it together to look like a rib and smothered in tangy barbecue sauce.
Right.
They'd give it no favor.
Yeah.
Once again, I don't know what the public was thinking.
Do you?
No.
Some of the greatest ideas just never got off the ground because people are narrow minded.
That's why, right?
That's exactly why.
Exactly.
So number five, caviar McNuggets.
They were going to bunch of...
That's fucked, I'm sorry.
They're going to bunch of these caviar eggs together, bread them and fry them.
You can't beat that, Rob.
No.
You bite in and it's gooey and little eggs and chewy and then you got the golden brown crust.
Nice and sizzling off of being in a vat of fucking, I don't know, grease of some sort, vegetable oil.
Just the ingenuity of even the thought of it.
I know.
That's amazing.
Some brilliant person came up with this and no, no, no, got shot down because America's obviously narrow minded.
They are not willing to try caviar McNuggets and personally, I'm kind of somewhat insulted to live in a land that denies caviar McNuggets.
What about you?
Yeah, I totally agree with you.
Yep.
And this next one's going to make you sick.
I'm ashamed.
This next one, Rob, is going to make you sick because it didn't get off the ground either.
BK gets in the action.
BK is cool talk for Burger King, okay?
That's what the cool kids say, BK.
BK gets in the action with caviar fries.
So you don't have to succumb to the chicken fries, which are delicious.
You can go to the caviar fries.
That was some.
Too bad you didn't eat it.
Yeah, again.
Nice, crispy little fry looking things with caviar in the middle and you bite into them.
You feel the gooey caviar and the moist and the chewiness and the golden brown texture of the breading.
Once again, don't get it.
But the American public said no.
They denied this beautiful concept.
So what are you going to do, Rob?
I mean, we can't get these things.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, I wish they didn't exist now because now I know they exist, it makes me want them worse.
Or they did exist.
Oh, tell me about it.
I might have to do my own.
I might have to buy a can of caviar and roll them in flour and fry them.
What do you think?
Just make my own caviar fries or McNuggets.
Yeah, let's start selling them.
That's a great idea.
People will come from all over.
Nobody has the trademark yet.
That's right.
They denied it.
That's right.
BK said no.
Once again, BK is cool to vote for Burger King.
Yes.
Number seven, caviar granola mix.
I could see that.
I could too.
Yeah.
And let me remind you, I may come up with or we may come up with, me or Rob may come up with an apocalypse of caviar because it's in a tin.
It'll stay good forever and great snack, right?
Especially in granola milk.
Or go catch a fish.
Yeah.
Granola mix and you have your tin of caviar.
You could throw the caviar in the granola mix and you have a nice tasty snack after the post-apocalypse while you're wandering around the nuke desert or the nuke forest or whatever looking for radioactive deer to kill.
There you go.
Caviar granola mix while you wait for this radioactive elusive deer to come near you so you can kill it and eat it.
So moving right along.
Number eight, caviar pot pie.
Again, a big vat of deliciousness that was denied by the American pie.
I know, Rob.
I know.
What is wrong with these people?
I don't know.
I'm just I'm flabbergasted.
Flabbergasted.
What about you?
Are you flabbergasted?
I'm overly flabbergasted.
Me too.
Yes.
So yeah.
Yeah.
Yep.
Sorry.
I'm kind of slap happy because of lack of sleep and shitting my brains out.
So I'm laughing at everything.
You are correct.
I am laughing at everything because everything is extremely funny to me right now.
So all right.
Number nine, caviar menthol snuff.
Rob, that's your department.
No.
What is it?
Is it the gooeyness of the eggs in your lip?
It'd be too mushy.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
It's snuff.
So you snuff it.
OK, I get it.
Oh, that.
Yeah.
I don't know about.
I just broke it down and figured it out.
OK.
The snuff you sniff, right?
You sniff it up your nose.
Yeah.
Never got that.
Never known why people bothered to do that.
Well, you wouldn't want them caviar chunks going up your nose.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Then you'd be hacking them out and stuff and spitting them all.
Yeah.
It'd be, number one, a waste of money because you'll be hacking them out and spitting them
all over the ground.
Number two, I mean, you don't want that in your nostril cavity anyhow.
So OK.
I get it.
So all right.
OK.
So I'm going to go ahead and do that.
OK.
So I'm going to go ahead and do that.
OK.
So I'm going to go ahead and do that.
All right.
Number two, I mean, you don't want that in your nostril cavity anyhow.
So OK.
I get it.
So all right.
I get that one.
And number 10, this is kind of depressing here because I was waiting for it, caviar
cola.
Wow.
Yeah.
I mean, you can imagine the logo.
It could have like a little happy fish on there smiling at you.
And it'd be like a red cam with like blue lettering that says caviar cola in cursive
kind of like Coca-Cola.
Oh, wait a minute.
It can't say cola, can it?
It can't.
Because we found it in the letter.
No, you can't say.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you can't say cola.
Yeah, yeah.
Only Coca-Cola can say cola because they sued the piss out of people.
According to the Royal Crown Cola article I read last week on their beginnings.
So okay, it would just be caviar and then it below would be say, it would say something
like cola flavored beverage.
Yeah, cola flavored, yeah.
Yeah, with bits of caviar or something like that.
So that is all of the lists that Jeffy X got us.
Jeffy X, thank you so much.
You are an amazing talent.
How you get this stuff, I have no idea.
I mean he has to risk his life, right?
He has to get into these places.
Oh, he does.
Yeah, yeah.
Very high security areas.
Yeah, and then he has to come up, he has to get all these lists.
He not only has to infiltrate these organizations or these businesses, but he also has to get
complete reports on what has failed.
I mean how do you do that?
I mean that guy is just, he's fucking, he's balls, man.
He's 100% fucking balls, that guy.
Yes he is.
Yeah, so Jeffy X, thank you.
Anyhow, let's take our first break and we will be right back and see if you got something
on your mind, Rob.
All righty.
Okay, be right back.
As pleasant as 50 grit sandpaper to your inner thighs.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
The wild violet is an unsung hero.
Most people don't realize that the flower can be stewed to make a delicious vinegar
for the fresh greens that can be picked in your front yard.
Violet soap can be easily made as well.
The flower is full of many essential minerals as well as vitamin A, C, and E. It is literally
one of the first super foods.
A lot of podcasts just come from a can.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we pour our own podcasts.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone, on Mark.
And I'm Rob.
All right, Rob.
You have something you want to speak about, you got something on your mind, you got something
you want to say.
I ran across this story a while ago and since you're in such a laughing mood, you might
get a little extra ha ha out of it.
I probably will.
Jason Kelsey had quite the welcome at a hot dog stand in Chicago called the Winner's Circle.
Um, I've actually been there.
The Winner's Circle.
Yeah, I've been there.
It's a good place.
On Wednesday, the Philadelphia Eagle Center stopped by the Winner's Circle in the city
where he was greeted by a sign that read, Welcome Taylor's Boyfriend's Brother.
I do like it.
Along with being referred to as Taylor's Boyfriend's Brother, the Eagle also put together another
cheeky sign for Jason that read, Welcome the Other Kelsey Brother.
In their show of pictures, he's loving it.
He's having a good time.
Jason Kelsey seems to be a very, a very fun-loving dude, just like his brother.
They seem to just-
Oh, he's even wearing one of their shirts in this picture.
Which one is it?
What does it look like?
Uh, it's yellow with red lettering, the Winner's Circle.
Okay, that's different than the shirt I got from there.
But, okay, that's alright.
I was just wondering-
Yeah, it's got a big hot, yeah, it's got a big hot dog.
Yeah.
Oh, it has a hot dog on it?
Is the hot dog dressed up?
Yeah.
Uh, it's twisted.
It's a hot dog in the barn.
Okay, that's different.
Okay, that's cool.
Okay.
Alright, it's slightly different, but anyhow, it doesn't matter.
It's just my own curiosity.
It didn't matter.
It didn't pertain to anything.
Okay, that's pretty cool.
Very cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm glad he took it well.
Yeah, he has been.
He has fun with it.
He has to.
Well, another thing is it really helps his podcast out.
You know, their podcast like tripled in numbers from what I understand.
And the reason is because there are a lot of Swifties listening to it now because that's
Taylor's boyfriend and that other guy, his brother or something.
You know, just like all these Swifties that are buying the Kelsey jerseys and the Swift
Chiefs jerseys and all that, I mean, they don't give one ounce of fuck about football,
but they're buying the merchandise and watching the product.
And this has been the best thing to happen to the NFL since Deflategate.
So anyhow, because I remember Deflategate, everybody thought they were getting back at
Brady for being a perennial winner or whatever.
Yeah.
So anyhow, personally, I don't give a shit about that because I think all teams will
cheat to a certain degree if they have the opportunity.
Now the other stuff I do not agree with, the Belichick stuff that they said that they did,
if they in fact did do that and filmed the other teams in practice, that's too dirty.
And that is not right.
Right.
Yeah.
That was, if that is true, that's horrible because I know the Patriots, I think it was
against the Rams with Dick Vermille leading the Rams.
He said it was so...
I think so.
Yeah.
He said, this is what he said after the Super Bowl and you can look it up on YouTube or
whatever.
He said, it's like they knew what we're going to do before we did it.
Now how could that happen?
Well, filming the other people practicing is how that can happen.
Now did that happen?
I don't know.
It could have happened very easily.
They were filming.
So anyhow.
But the whole thing was, I'm not necessarily mad at Brady about the flake game.
Who cares?
He would probably still win all the Super Bowls anyhow.
Now the other one, if they were filming the other teams, then yes.
I mean, in my opinion, they should have stripped him of every title if that was true.
So anyhow.
Now I am a firm believer in watching game tapes.
Game tapes are different.
Yeah, game tapes are, but secretly filming, hell no.
Yeah I agree.
No.
Oh, a couple of things I want to address here real quick is, Bill's Mafia, where are you
now?
Where are you now Bill's Mafia?
I heard smack and gun bumping for the last four fucking years.
And all of a sudden you guys hit a rough patch and I don't hear one fucking thing.
Nothing.
Come on, sack up.
I want to hear something.
I want to fucking hear something.
You damn well bet if that's the Chiefs that had a skid like that, I'd still be mouthing
off going, well we're still going to beat your ass you way.
We'll see you playoff time.
But nothing man.
Cricket's over there.
So I don't know, they fired their offensive coordinator and they got someone else in there.
But I'll tell you what, all the turnovers that they do, that is not an offensive coordinator
issue.
That is a coaching issue, a training issue.
You don't get that sloppy by someone calling the wrong calls.
You get that sloppy by not practicing right, not being dedicated.
So anyhow, Bill's Mafia, where are you?
Bengals fans, where are you?
All of a sudden they're crickets over there too.
I am starting to hear some chirping from Ravens fans though, even though they lost last week.
Dolphins fans, they're Johnny cum ladies.
They didn't care for the Dolphins three years ago, four years ago.
But when they got Tyreek Hill and Tago Viola started throwing decent and they got Waddle
and then Mozart or whatever his name is and then a decent defense, all of a sudden all
these Dolphin fans fucking appear out of nowhere.
Oh yeah, I loved them all my life.
How's that outcome?
Your jersey was bought three days ago?
You know, so anyhow.
I've got an interesting story here Rob.
Okay.
All right.
A tenant stopped paying rent and listed his landlord's home on Airbnb.
The landlord says he's now stuck living in a van after the man stopped paying rent.
He says the tenant owns nearly 50,000 and has refused to leave the home for months.
The pair are fighting it out in court and the next hearing is in March.
So he's got at least four more months of living in his van while he tries to get this guy
evicted.
Really?
Yeah.
I read that one too.
Yeah.
The pair are fighting it out in court, the homeowner who rented out his home to pay for
pilot school says he is now living in a van because he can't evict a tenant who he says
owes 50,000 in back rent.
I need my house.
All the media is fine, but it doesn't really do me any good.
Hopefully we'll change the laws to help the owners in situations like this.
A guy I knew growing up, he had a bunch of rental property and I don't know if you can
still do this.
I don't know if it's still lawful to do this, but Yoda used to do to get rid of them, Rob.
What?
He would wait till they left and he would remove the front and back door.
I didn't do that just.
Yeah.
He would remove them.
He would throw the doors in the back of his truck and he would leave.
Only one tenant put another couple of doors on.
Everyone else left because it was cold out or whatever or they couldn't protect their
stuff inside because both doors were gone.
I don't know if you could do that anymore, but yeah, he used to remove both doors and
he'd go, just wait.
He'd go, Mark, watch.
He said they'll be gone in three days.
Most of the time he was right, except for one tenant went out and got a couple more
doors and I really had a good ha ha after him on that.
I'm like, that really worked, didn't it?
He's like, yeah, most of the times it works.
You saw it.
I was like, yeah.
Some people are a little bit more resilient than that.
I really don't think you can legally get away with it these days.
Probably not.
I know his grounds were I'm doing home improvements, but I have to do them myself because I can't
afford to pay anybody because they're not paying their rent.
When he'd go to court, if he went to court, that's what he would say.
Most of the times the court would be like, I get it.
Guy's not paying rent.
You can't afford to pay anyone to do the repairs.
He said, yeah, these doors are in desperate repair.
I took them both off and I got to save up the money to get the doors.
The courts knew it was a wink, wink, nudge, nudge, but it was a loophole.
It was a loophole where the guy could do it.
Nowadays there's probably all these squatter laws and stuff to where they can't do that
and he'd probably get sued by the squatters and have to fucking give them the house.
All the bullshit rules they have nowadays is just insane and they're not tailored for
anybody trying to do fair business in America.
Anyhow, Rob, you got another story you want to go into or anything?
Yeah.
It looks like Stephen A. Smith to add it again.
Yeah.
When is he?
What now?
Stephen A. Smith is sick and tired of watching the New York Giants play in coded television
windows.
Okay, everybody, don't shoot the messenger on this.
The Giants are about to be two and eight, well, this was a couple days ago before their
last game.
Okay.
They're about to be two and eight after getting blown out by the Dallas Cowboys and are down
to their third string quarterback, un-drackered rookie Tommy DeVito.
Today's game was on Marshall TV as Fox's Game of the Week.
The Giants have also been in prime time on multiple other occasions this season and with
Big Blue struggling immensely, Stephen A. took to ex Twitter to try to shame the NFL
into keeping the G-Men off the air.
This is what he wrote.
The NFL has to be shamed into keeping the Giants off the Marshall TV.
This team is just a disaster.
They are the swamp in East Rufford, New Jersey.
They don't even look qualified to be an NFL team.
Good Lord, Smith wrote.
I like what the person that wrote this article added after that.
What did he add?
As the Giants are one of the NFL's more popular franchises and were coming off a playoff berth
in 2022, it makes some sense why they were given some prime time air time this fall.
However, it has to be a decision the league and the networks are regretting given how
the season has unfolded.
I think, I'm not for sure, but I think this here, Rob.
I think that maybe Romo and is it Nance, Jim Nance is a sidekick?
I think they may have something written in their contract where they can't switch their
games.
So if they say they're coming to Dallas, they're coming to Dallas.
They're not going to get a surprise and go out to California to cover a Sam Fran game
because the Giants are horrible this year when they're expected to be a playoff team.
David Daniel Jones is supposed to make that leap up into the elite status and all that
stuff.
Shaquan Barkley was back.
You know, all this stuff that was supposed to happen, but as we know too well in football,
a lot of what's supposed to happen does not happen.
Ask the Bills, ask the Bengals, ask the Texans who were on a surge.
CJ Stroud is fucking throwing his ass off looking my homes like.
That guy is really looking good.
So nothing ever happens usually like it's supposed to.
Of course, Philadelphia and Kansas City are at the top of each conference.
They kind of expected that because not that much has changed between the two teams.
But stuff like the Giants where a bunch of different things happened and stuff like that,
you can't really control that, right?
You pencil that game in and I don't know if this is true, but I thought I read or someone
told me that Romo and Nance have it in their contract where they can't pull the rug out
from under him.
I believe that's probably the reason that Al Michaels left NBC and went to Amazon Prime.
Shitty games, but he knows where he's going every week.
He's up in his 70s and he doesn't want to be switched out.
I think that may be what's going on over there at Fox and why they have a Doug game and they
can't all of a sudden just go, let's go to this game.
This is more competitive.
However, what they have been doing though, and they've done this for a few years now
and I think you probably noticed this too Rob, what they'll do is if a game starts getting
out of hand a lot of times they'll just start switching to another game.
They may not leave the game completely, but they'll go, oh, check out this play from so
and so and then they'll go to that and they'll spend a couple of minutes there and then they'll
come back to the boring game that's a blowout, right?
Yeah.
So anyhow, and I don't know contractually how many times they can do that either because
I imagine there is probably a limit on the amount of times they can switch out of the
game and legally call it their game of the week.
So did you have any more on that?
Because I kind of just started talking.
No, no, that was it.
That was the end of it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, let's come right back and when we come back we shall have a dear douchebags.
That sound good?
Sounds awesome.
All right, we'll be right back in a couple of minutes.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Great news.
William Hung's world tour has been extended.
Now, deep thoughts with Mark.
So I order spaghetti and meatballs.
My meatballs automatically fall apart as soon as I touch them.
So then does my dish automatically change its name to spaghetti and meat sauce?
I may never know.
Break Shit House energy drink.
That's right.
Break Shit House energy drink.
Make men and women go.
You want your balls?
You want to fuck shit up?
You want to force gun across America?
Break Shit House is for you.
Please enjoy Break Shit House energy drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere because of liability issues.
You're all aware of the Amber Alert, right?
Well, get rid of your disinfectants and rubber bedspreads, kids.
It's the all new Amber Heard Alert system.
This fantastic early warning device helps one stay dry and rid of all those annoying
mattress invoices.
Simply hook up to child under six or psychopath and wait for the running water sound.
This clever machine has three distinct settings, babbling brook, ocean waves and roaring river
for those close call.
Order today and get a free Cinnabon Renews It cartridge.
Two douchebags and a microphone on Mark.
And on the rocks.
All right.
As promised to dear douchebags.
Okay.
Dear douchebags, I often listen to your podcast at my job.
Most of us love it, but one Dicks Mac keeps changing the podcast to true crime BS.
BS is short for bullshit for you people that are not in the loop.
Right, Rob?
Can you back me up?
Actually, I think that was on that list I gave you the other night.
Oh, it was, wasn't it?
I had one word to the word shit and it means something totally different.
That's right.
It was.
So the cool kids can say BS, but we know they're talking about bullshit.
So I really, I really need your help.
The city that is grinding down my last nerve signed no douche in Toulouse.
Now this is not Toulouse street.
This is Toulouse, Alabama, I believe.
But it could be Toulouse street and it could be our friend that, that emailed us.
Yeah, it could be.
But I, the way it's written here, I think it's Toulouse, Alabama, but I'm not for sure.
So let's, let's say it's to, let's say it's Toulouse, Alabama, but dude from Toulouse
email me if this is you.
So anyhow, number one thing that you can do about said Dicks Mac is this plant cocaine
on it, on the Dicks Mac and call the cops on him.
That work just kind of like walk by and just kind of, you know, kind of bump into him a
little bit there and then ask him a question while you're throwing the cocaine in his jacket
pocket go.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, Hey, that podcast you listen to, what's the name of it?
Man, it's pretty interesting.
And then while you're doing that, you just throw the little baggie of cocaine in there
and then you call the cops and say, he's trying to sell it around the office.
And then, you know, the cops come in and he's going to, of course like, Oh, it's not mine.
And then they're going to piss them off.
They're probably going to beat the shit out of them and you'll get to witness it all.
Right?
Yeah.
I thought we would have done back in the day.
Hell yeah.
It is plant cocaine on them and then fucking call the cops.
Watch watch the little party ensue.
They won't bother you for a while.
No, no.
As a matter of fact, when they heal and get out of jail, they'll probably stay way the
fuck away from you.
Even if they know you did it.
They're going to go, Oh fuck, those guys are hardcore.
I don't know what they're going to do next.
So number two, take the biggest meanest person you know, and write his wife love letters
from the Dix Mac's name.
I love that one.
Dix Mac comes in all black and blue one day.
Hey, what happened to you?
Oh, man.
Oh good.
You guys said something about his wife and letters.
I never met the guy before.
Beat the shit out of me.
No shit.
Really?
Wow.
So, and then you can mention something like, yeah, if you turn that fucking podcast again,
it's going to happen again.
Motherfucker.
So number three, give us his name for an invisible ass paddling.
We will gladly paddle some Dix Mac that keeps changing our podcast to true crime podcast.
Agreed?
It's all self defense.
You know, I talked to the genie and he said that he would be willing to let us have an
extra paddling for this guy.
Cool.
You know, we're supposed to do it once a month, right?
Yeah.
Well, I've been talking to him because there's so many idiots in the news and we're kind
of been like going back and forth.
He's thinking about granting us a little special permission to maybe do a couple of extra ass
paddlings a month and include this guy in it.
So render his name to us and where to find him and we'll see if we can't do an ass paddling.
So number four, invisible ass paddling that is, and if anyone doesn't realize it.
Well, you know what?
I'm not even going to go into the story.
It's that we're invisible.
You know, we, we found a genie me and Topher did quite a while ago and he granted us one
wish and our wish was to be invisible so we could paddle people's asses.
No, we didn't want to save the world.
No, we didn't want to help the environment.
No, we didn't want to solve world hunger.
We want to paddle people's asses that need it because we're kind of, we're that kind
of morons.
So, okay.
Number four, I assure the podcast are access from one main computer.
So I would try to lock up the screen.
So this is at work.
So you have one main computer with a Bluetooth enabled or speakers coming from it, right?
So that's how you access the podcast or that'd be about the only way.
I guess it could be someone's phone, but if it's coming from your phone, the guy couldn't
touch it.
So I'm saying this is probably access from a, from a desktop lock that screen up on him,
put in our podcasts and lock that screen up with a code that they don't know.
And then the only person that get into it is you problem solved.
Yep.
Number five, and this makes the most sense, Rob, you tell me if this doesn't make the
most sense.
Put on our podcast, start from number one, it will automatically load to the next one
in order and take the monitor with you.
There you go.
Yes.
And anyhow, whoever wrote this out, thanks for listening.
Go fuck yourself.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I told you to go fuck yourself, but it just adds, it adds a little flavor to it.
Thanks for listening.
Go fuck yourself.
Oh, anyhow.
All right, Rob, we turn to you.
You got something?
Have you ever wondered what the strange metal plates at the Missouri intersections are at
light crosswalks?
I think they're for Braille for blind people, aren't they?
Okay.
Well, I've heard different stories.
I've heard that there's detectors in them that way you just step on them and it has
to do with the light change in it.
I've heard all kinds of stories.
There's a couple of-
Well, if this adds, it breaks it down.
Go ahead.
Okay.
They're called detectable warning plates and they are in place for the vision impaired
among us.
Okay.
Mainline Materials, a warning plate manufacturing company, says they alert the visually impaired
that there is either a crosswalk or a walkway transition nearby.
Okay, so it's not actually Braille.
It's just something that warns them they hear the metal and they go, oh, okay.
Well, actually, they went to more like a rubber padding or it's weird material.
Okay, okay.
They've got different looks to them now.
So the thing I want to-
One of them's like a brick color.
Yeah, I've seen those.
They're like, oh, yeah, I've seen those.
You're coming up to something.
So it's not even Braille.
It's just like a break in the pattern to let them know that there's something coming up.
Right.
Okay.
All this time, there's little bumps on there generally in the city.
I thought that was Braille.
I guess not.
For some reason, I thought the blind could go there with their feet and go, oh, okay.
This says cautious crosswalk.
I don't know.
Okay, cool.
Okay, that's cool.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
That's-
Just some information that-
Cool.
So you said that you know this new Fort Scott listener.
Is that what you said?
Yes, I do.
Cool.
It's my cousin, Bonnie.
Okay.
What did Bonnie say?
Does she like the show?
Yeah, yeah.
She's going to catch some more.
She's been down sick with the flu a little bit lately.
That's a good time to catch up with us.
Yeah, she's back up and going.
She's going to start listening.
I got some other people who are going to start listening over there.
Cool.
Very cool.
So, have you, did you hear the podcast I dropped today?
No, I have not.
I'll listen to it in the morning when I'm getting ready for work.
I've got a new Deep Thoughts with Mark and I just want to hear what you think about it.
All right.
I'll let you know tomorrow night.
Okay, sounds good.
All right.
Let's see.
I'm trying to think of what else.
Let's see.
Our numbers are way up.
I'm really happy about that.
I mean, it's doing fantastic.
I'm going to break down a couple locations where we're still kicking ass at.
Council Bluffs, we are just going berserk up there.
I'll check that out when we get off there.
Yeah, look it up.
Council Bluffs is our third best market and the first two markets are Kansas City, Kansas,
and Missouri.
Ashburn is not very far behind, but Harrisonville, Missouri has an inordinate amount of fucking
listeners.
I mean, Harrisonville, thank you.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it a lot.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I mean, per capita is kind of like Adrian.
If it's per capita, Harrisonville would probably, if that was, Harrisonville was the size of
Kansas City, we'd have over a million listeners.
That's how potent we are there in Harrisonville.
Our family farm was out off GD.
No, I know where that's at.
Yeah.
Yeah, so H-Town, Hooterville, thank you.
Appreciate it.
I'm honored.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, I'm really honored.
Let's see.
Adrian's still kicking ass.
Columbus, Ohio is really accelerating.
We've got some people there listening, and so is St. Louis.
Yeah, Columbus, Ohio might be the biggest gain.
In Denver, we've always done well in, and Denver's a pretty good market because there's
good radio in Denver.
There's good radio in Council Bluffs, too, from Omaha and Council Bluffs.
I'm kind of honored to be there doing so well.
And Harrisonville is Kansas City radio, so we have Johnny Deere.
Oh, shit, I don't even know who else is there.
I think Mix93 still has Rocket and Teresa or whatever.
Slacker is off because he has leukemia.
We're all praying for him.
I hope he does good.
So there's good radio that people are choosing to listen to us here, too.
So we're very, very proud of that.
We're picking up in Omaha really well, Springfield.
But I know Springfield, how come it's gained so much steam?
It's because that auto body place, was it New Century or something like that?
Yeah, New Century.
Yeah, well, I can see it on the numbers from there.
So Osage Beach is Rob's fan.
We've got some pretty good numbers from there.
I don't know.
Well, a fan of us both, but they love Rob's Ozark twang, according to the emails.
Let's see, Brussels, Belgium, a lot of listeners there.
Yeah, that one blows me away.
Still doing good in Chicago.
Not as quite a fever pitch as it was there for a little bit, kind of dying down there.
So, yeah, you know what?
I'm going to fix back up because Chicago would be a great, great compliment if we could keep things going good there.
Because a lot of great radio originated in Chicago.
So, anyhow.
Other than that, I think that's pretty much going to conclude this podcast.
I think I need to get back to shitting here pretty quick.
So.
Well, on that note, I'll leave you with a final thought.
Oh, yeah, let's hear it.
If people are tough behind your back, just fart.
I got one for you.
That's good. I like it.
What if UFOs are billionaires from another planet?
See, Starly.
Hey, now that's something to think about.
It is.
Yeah, you know how our billionaires go sightseeing into space?
Maybe that's what they're doing.
Maybe they're like, hey, let's say they're alternate universe.
Jeevon Musk, or no, Jeevon Tusk has a space F that everybody can go out and jump in and go look at the Earth.
And hey, we think there's like weird beings there.
We're not for sure.
We think they're pretty stupid, we think.
So anyhow, so don't bother them because they'll start getting mad at us for no reason and then try to kill us.
And then we'll have to zap them.
But we want to do that.
We just want to go look at them.
Yeah.
So anyhow.
All right, everybody.
I'm going to go take a massive dump of water and everybody have a good night.
Thank you for listening.
Have a good night, everybody.
Oh, don't forget.
Tomorrow I have a full report on my ass hair.
Right on.
Yeah.
I'll ask the colonoscopy doctor.
So there.
Have a good night, everybody.
Good night.
Hey, where'd everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh, my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Oh, man, that smells.