Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's two douchebags and a microphone podcast.
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The Evac-Lapse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Wild asparagus is plentiful and easy to find. It can be stewed with garlic and onion, which is both wild, which can be easily found in a very tasty post-apocalypse food.
You can make this into a delicious stew, and this will hold you over at least for a couple of days until you can find some other food.
Next up, Kings of the Heard in Hell.
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Two douchebags and a microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Hey everybody, thanks for joining us tonight. I've got some alternative cuss words. I've got some emails.
Like, you know, we're talking about the emails.
Yeah, I'll do them here in a little bit.
Some surprising ones too, you'll see it when I get to it.
It's like, they're kind of out of left field, pretty interesting. What's on people's minds.
So, anyhow, how about if we start off with some alternative cuss words? Does that sound good?
Oh, I love those. I've got a couple I've been using.
Oh, okay, cool. Then you can introduce them.
Okay, alternative cuss words for people that may not know.
And if you don't know, then I don't know what to say because that means you have not been listening to us.
And that, quite frankly, hurts me to my soul. What about you?
Yes, it does.
It hurts Rob too. Do you want to hurt us? Is that it? Is that it?
Us being hurt, does that make you feel good? Is that it? Is that why you don't listen?
Well, anyhow, alternative cuss words is this.
Okay, you're in a public place, a business, a church, a school.
But you really want to call somebody a dumb son of a bitch or a dumb motherfucker or whatever.
But you can't because of where you're in, a hospital, whatever.
So you want to get the point across that you're calling this person a dumb son of a bitch,
but you can't call him a dumb son of a bitch.
So you have to go to something else. Like this one guy I used to work with,
the hires up really didn't like us using profane language.
I mean, even though we didn't really work with the public per se and they couldn't really hear us,
I mean, maybe if they had their ear to the fucking door to the kitchen or whatever, you know.
But anyhow, I used to love pissing him off. I would call him a banister.
And he just went bad. I'm not a banister.
And then if I really want to piss him off, I call him a wooden banister.
And he would just fucking just freak out.
So that is what these came from. Is that right there?
Calling somebody a stupid son of a bitch, but not actually calling them a stupid son of a bitch,
but letting them know you're calling them a stupid son of a bitch,
but you're not actually saying stupid son of a bitch.
Alright, so my first alternative cuss word is call someone a drainage tube.
Ooh. Yeah.
You ever see somebody that had like a port line or something from an infection
and they had to have a drainage tube put in their body?
Well, that's what you're calling somebody. A drainage tube.
And it is about as nasty, I mean really, about as gross as you can get.
Look, they serve a purpose and they're great because they help people get better.
I know that, but I mean, how would you like to be that drainage tube?
So anyhow, you call somebody a drainage tube, gets a point across,
they feel horrible, you feel great, you walk off going,
ha ha ha, I got one over on him, they don't even know what I said.
Drainage tube, there's nothing wrong with that.
I didn't call him a stupid son of a bitch, so yeah.
Next one that I really like is call someone a finger splint.
You're not even a cast. Yeah, yeah, it's not quite a drainage tube,
but it's a hindrance. That's calling somebody a pain in the ass.
A drainage tube or a finger splint is calling someone a pain in the ass
because that's what a finger splint is.
I had to wear one not too long ago, and that's all it is, is a pain in the ass.
I mean, it just gets in your way on everything.
Even scratching your nuts gets in your way.
So finger splint means someone's a pain in the ass,
and I think they get it probably the way it rolls off your tongue.
You're a finger splint, you know, then when you come back with that,
I am not, then you're a dumb ass, you know, so anyhow.
Next one, call someone a cheese stick.
Yeah, yeah, that's just like, to me that's like a very low IQ human being, right?
It's like, you're just a cheese stick.
You're just like a piece of cheese with breading on it, preferably fried,
maybe baked, maybe air fried, dipped in ranch and eaten by Joe Consumer.
Cheese stick. Not a good thing to be called.
So that's like calling someone a sausage casing or something like that.
So next one, 20-weight motor oil.
Just, just do it.
Wow.
Like 28 motor oil, 20-weight motor oil.
Yeah, not good. You weren't even 10W-40.
You weren't even SAE-30. You were 20-weight motor oil.
Next one, just call someone a cabbage.
Yeah, you're a cabbage.
Ah, I am not.
Yes, you are. You're a cabbage.
Now, now go over there and lie in the sun for whatever cabbages do.
So, go be made into coleslaw.
This next one. I like it. A little weird.
Corrugated hose.
And corrugated hose has the steel wraparound slinky-like stuff for, you know, to make it stronger.
And it's just, I mean, you usually see it outdoors. Sometimes it's underground, sometimes it's not.
A lot of times they have it coming off the gutters, you know, to take all the water away from the house or whatever.
So corrugated hose, not only does it look unappealing, it sounds unappealing, and no one wants to be called it.
So, next one.
I wouldn't want to be called that.
No, no. So go corrugated hose. Ah!
Next one, masking tape.
That's pretty solid. It's not the best, but it's solid.
It's just like, eh, you know. You can be used, like, on trim to paint.
You can be, I don't know, to hold something together.
I mean, masking tape actually is a wonderful idea, but you don't want to be called it, right?
Right.
Yeah. Yep.
Next one. I really like this one because it's just gross.
Call someone a genital wart.
Ha ha ha ha.
Wow.
Yeah, that one's bad. That one's real bad.
Genital wart. So you're like a little knob hanging off of someone's fucking dick or whatever, or fucking vagina or whatever.
A genital wart.
Down there in that area, but you're not even like a real thing. You're just like a little nub of skin.
A nasty little nub of skin.
Hanging off someone's genitals.
Not good.
Next one. I like this one a lot too.
Just because it really illustrates a picture of the person being like, I don't know, a little pansy.
Call them blended fruit.
So you could be a pineapple, an orange, I don't know, maybe a peach, all thrown in a blender.
And just fucking ram sacked into smithereens.
Almost juiced, but not quite.
So you're like really soft fruit all mixed together, chopped up, and blended.
Blended fruit.
And that one's a good one to call people because it really kind of illustrates them as a pussy, right?
Right.
Yeah. So you'd preferably call a man that just to kind of, I don't know, demasculate him a bit if they're being a real dick or something.
Oh yeah, you're a blended fruit.
Next one. Suction cup.
I like that one just because it's weird.
You're like a cup that sticks to things, you know?
It's just, no rhyme or reason, it's just, you know, just a suction cup.
Yeah, you're just like, I don't know, wherever, stuck on a wall, stuck on a piece of glass, whatever, lying on the floor.
Suction cup.
Next one. Call someone ragweed.
Ragweed sucks. Ragweed is disgusting.
Ragweed blows.
Ragweed makes a lot of people with itchy eyes and cough and sneeze, and they hate it.
So if you call someone, that's another one that's calling someone a pain in the ass, is calling them ragweed.
That just means they're a complete pain in the ass and, you know, it's like, oh my god, here comes that ragweed again.
So, whoever.
Next one and final one. Carry-on bag.
And that's that bag that always gets you.
It's, you know, you got the carry-on bag and then all of a sudden they come up and go, well, it's got to fit in here.
And all that stuff. And then a lot of times you got to take some of the contents out and throw it in your main luggage because it won't fit in that little compartment deal that they have at the airport to show you how small the bag's got to be.
So.
Yeah.
So that is the end of these said, oh no, alternative swear words or whatever.
Yeah.
So, anyhow, how about if we go into some emails like I promised?
I got a few of them done. I still have a lot more to go.
But what I'm doing is I'm cherry picking the last, the ones that have been there the longest and getting to them.
And then the newer ones I'll get to. I'm going to try to keep doing this in a more timely fashion and keep printing them out and keep staying on them to where we get caught up.
I did not expect this much of a push for people.
I didn't think if people gave enough shit to write in, honestly, did you?
Not really, but I'm glad they do.
I am too. I'm really amazed. It's been an influx of quite a few people.
And it's really kind of startling to me that that made people give that much of a shit about what we say or whatever, do or act to send us in stuff, you know, good or bad or indifferent.
Be honest. This podcast has made a big difference in my life.
I've heard a lot of people say that. It keeps them chuckling. They enjoy it. They look forward to new episodes.
They go back and look to other episodes. I was told that some of the stories that I have are some of the best stories I've ever heard on or off the radio.
They said that they're just like they're they're just stuff that like that are just gold, that they're so funny and clever.
And, you know, I mean, that's just the way we grew up, man. We got bored easy. You know, we had. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Someone let's see. What did someone say? This is an email. Very first opened up the new email.
Said the piss story was one of the funniest things they'd ever heard.
Gross. But one of the funniest things they'd ever heard.
Another one said that Babel Snatch was just insanely good. I mean, you know, that's a true story.
That is a true story. All of these are all these stories. All of them are true.
Or the phone pranks when I used to call quick trip. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, all these are legendary because we're all teenagers and people knew the stupid shit I was doing, you know.
And they are well known for for their legendary for being for being very clever pranks.
So, yeah. Yeah. So, like I said, you were a master. Thank you.
I got bored easy. That's all it was. Serious. I got bored easy and I had to find a way to entertain myself.
So it was that's what that's what I did. That's what we did.
So, OK, now on to emails. Tony from Toulouse Street wrote now Toulouse.
That's New Orleans. I mean, I guess there could be another one. But the only Toulouse street street I know is in New Orleans.
Yeah, that's the only one that I could think of.
Well, anyhow, Tony from Toulouse Street, whether it's New Orleans or not, whatever.
I think Rob should pick one wrestling match per week to report on. Maybe the most prolific match.
Just an idea. We love the show from NOLA out. Oh, yeah. OK. Yeah. Yeah. New Orleans. No. OK. No. OK.
OK. Cool. Well, Tony from Toulouse, I think that's the most solid idea I've heard about.
Rasslin pick one match to focus in on and in, you know, and you can do a little commentator.
What you think, what you thought happened to whoever, you know,
I've got a match with a story to it that a lot of people watch that they don't even know that. Yeah. OK.
Well, I think Tony from Toulouse Street has a great idea there.
You pick one one feature match and break that down and describe it.
And that will be your report for the week. So it sounds to me like he didn't quite say this on here.
This is just a quick email. He jotted off. Right. OK. He wants one a week, but it's one match, one feature match,
probably the best match of the night. And he wants you to break that down and talk about it.
And I want you to know he called it Rasslin. I didn't add that. He wrote Rasslin.
He didn't write Rasslin. So the guy knows what he's doing. So yeah, he does. Yeah. No. Yeah. No.
I know that. Yes. Yeah. So, Noah, I hope I hope you're spreading the word down there.
We love New Orleans and we would love to go down there and visit and do some podcasts there.
So please. I got a cousin in. Is his name Tony? No. OK. OK.
Tony, tell your friends, get more people to listen, please.
We would love to come down there. We come down there. You join us. You come down.
You'll be a first Noah listener. Yeah. So I'll take a trip down there. Yeah, me too.
Oh, yeah. I'll take a trip down there. Hot second. Oh, I love it.
I used to go there so much I haven't went there in a while, but man, I used to go there.
Shit. Every chance I got, I was down there. I love that place. So I love it, too.
Yeah, it's very unique atmosphere, unique food, everything.
I still love the fact that they still have Romeo catchers on the top of all their buildings.
Are you familiar with what I'm talking about, Rob? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, this is back in the fourteen hundreds, I believe.
And the French, they would go out to gather food and stuff during the day.
But they were naturally suspicious little fuckers.
So they didn't want anyone coming in there and banging their fucking girl while they're gone.
So what they would do is they would take broken bottles on strings and put rice and poison on them.
So if they will come in the front door and a suitor was leaving out the back door,
that they would have to go over these bottles and then they would go back there and go, bitch, you've been unfaithful.
What do you mean? What's that guy right there? Yeah. The guy lying there bleeding dead. Yeah.
So so yeah, kind of barbaric. But all those I mean, they're still on buildings everywhere.
Nobody touched them. They left them there. I just find that shit amazing.
Yeah, I do, too. I mean, just the culture. The food, the culture, the cultures coming together for that incredible food,
the Creole and the Cajun and even the barbecue. The barbecue down there is very unique.
It doesn't get a lot of credit because it's pretty spicy.
A lot of people don't really consider it barbecue, but it is barbecue.
It's just a different brand and style of barbecue. And I mean, I love it all.
There's this place on the Mississippi River down there, just a little shack and their barbecue I would put up against anybody.
Now, I'll tell you what, you need like 10 tons and about five or six omeprazole. But that shit is good.
Oh, it's good. I will have to look up the name. So anyhow, my phone is like over there and I'm not going to get it.
So but anyhow, I could buy I'll find the name and I will broadcast it.
But that place needs mention. It's just a little shack on the banks of Mississippi River.
And they said they've been flooded out like 10 times and they just, you know, he just built another shack.
So anyhow, it's a great place. So anyhow, Jenny in Knoxville said, Hey, Mark, what about your hairy asshole?
Maybe you need to post it.
I know. I know. All right, Jenny. Here is my rebuttal. Rebuttal. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. I'm done with that.
Jenny, I have I've never claimed great asshole hair. I just don't think I have a good crop.
I am getting a colonoscopy next week. I really am. I will ask my doctor what he thinks and I'll report back to you. Fair enough.
Good idea. All right. I'll ask him. He'll be right there.
Didn't you have a witness? Yeah. Didn't you have a witness? That's right.
Dr. Martin has done my colonoscopy before. I have full confidence in him.
And I think if I gently asked him to rate my asshole hair, I think he would. Right. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, wouldn't you as a courtesy, I mean, if you were a colonoscopy doctor, you'd just be like, oh, by the way, I rate my asshole a five.
I think you could do better if you grew it out and combed it over or whatever.
Or, you know, maybe you need to shave it a couple of times, get it coming thicker. I would offer him a little asshole hair advice, too.
I mean, you know, just include in the price. I wouldn't charge him anymore. I would just give him that.
I would give him that because I care. So.
OK, Jenny, I will get back with you about what my what my colonoscopy doctor thinks.
So next one, William and Harrison, Knoxville, of course, I'm pretty sure was Tennessee, Jenny and Knoxville.
I know of no. Well, no, there's a Knoxville, Iowa. I don't know which one it was like.
There is. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know which one it was.
But anyhow, Jenny, thank you. William and Harrison, Harrison, Arkansas, Arkansas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
OK, I guess that's what it is. William and Harrison wrote, Thank you for the hairy asshole Olympics.
Me and my buddies are putting together a list for consideration.
We love the new segments and what happened to the old voice guy? We love him.
Chad is he's not the old voice guy. He's the current voice guy.
OK, yeah, I just wanted to bring more voices on here because quite frankly,
if you just hear one guy doing all these promos, it gets a little boring.
So I decided to do an intro with a different voice guy and do a couple of new segments with the new voice guy.
But he's not really the new voice guy. I'll be using other people, too, just to switch things up a little bit.
But Chad is still a voice guy and I'm getting ready to use him again.
And he's not going anywhere as long as he willing to do our voiceovers.
We will use him. So and I think you said something to hit you wrong about Chad.
Yeah, yeah, I noticed that there was a new voice guy.
Yeah, that's simply just to switch things up. We love Chad.
And that's what you explained to me. Yeah, we love Chad and he's our favorite.
We're going to continue to use him. But I am going to I also have I want to get another chick's voice involved.
I want to get another deep male, maybe an English voice involved.
It's just all it is is imaging. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what they call it.
And it's just presenting a different image anyhow. So you know what?
Yeah, Chad is still with us and he's not going anywhere. And thank you.
Thank you for your concern about him and thank you for your compliments.
So next, Laura in Osage Beach wrote now we know we're Osage Beach.
Yes, Laura. My neighbor. Yeah.
Do you know any Loro's in Osage Beach? Not Rob.
Okay. Rob is a very good addition to the show.
I hope he is permanent. I love those are twang he brings to the show.
Laura, send Rob nudes if you really love it. If you really love him, send him nudes.
Fair enough. Laura, I'm in Camdenton. That's not very far.
Right down the street. If you really love Rob, you will go down there and give him a hummer tonight.
Oh, no, let's not go there. I got to go work. Oh, no, no, no.
It's a it's a couple. This isn't going to be posted for two or three nights.
Oh, we're probably looking at Friday or Saturday night. Oh, OK.
So Laura, go take care of your boy. Come on. Come on now. Come on.
Get the old single. If you're single, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I'm sorry. If you're married, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to go there.
I don't mean to go overage. If you're over 18 and you're single.
Yes. Yes. All of this is contingent on all of that.
Yeah. Thank you, Rob. Thank you.
I got one for my ass. Laura, Rob is permanent.
Even if Topher comes back, he's permanent.
We've already got a plan in place. If Topher feels like coming back on a permanent basis, he's still here.
We will use all three of us because all three of us are damn good and we love hearing all three of us.
So it's all planned. Yeah, it's all good.
No reason to fret. Rob is here to stay.
The only thing it can take Rob out is himself. Where is he?
In that big room. That's right. Like Rob's penis when you come down and rub it.
If you're single and overage.
Okay. Next. Mark, you have an amazing talent. Your quick wit steals the show.
Are you planning on learning professional computer programs for better sound?
I mean, the show is this good being, as you described, as a tin can outfit.
I could only imagine a cleaner, crisper sound. Love it. Please keep him coming.
Samantha in Overland Park.
P.S. Rob. Rob loves to.
I can vouch. Mark has always been quick witted like that. Always.
I've known him since 1985 and he can jump on stuff quicker than anybody I know.
Like I said, I go back to boredom. Boredom makes you good at stuff like this.
I used to get picked on. I was a fat poor kid.
I was a fat poor kid growing up. I had to come up with a defense mechanism.
Yeah, you did. And that was my wit. I could outwit these brain dead morons that used to come at me.
I would just say shit that would just destroy them right in front of them and deep pants them right in front of them.
And I had to develop that because if not, these fuckers are going to try to ruin me.
And it's no kidding. They were brutal. They used to make fun of me. They used to fuck with me constantly.
And all it did was make me better at my craft.
And most of them are living in trailer parks.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, but there's wrong with being drug addicts and just like, you know,
just kind of like lying around in your feces.
So anyhow, that is one of the reasons I got so good at that.
And thank you. Thank you, Samantha. And she also said mad Rob love also.
She said P.S. mad Rob love. So she loves you too.
And thank you for the compliment because I pride myself on my quick wit and my ability to make things funny
and ability to accentuate things that need to stand out.
So thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it.
So that is all the emails that I could get to today. I didn't have enough time to get through anymore.
But we still have 20 on tap that I need to get to. I promise I'm going to keep after them.
I'm going to get them caught up. So people keep sending them in. I will get them caught up.
So thank you each and every one of you. Yeah. Thank you for taking the time.
Thank you for the suggestions. Thank you for giving a shit.
That's what we need to know is how we're doing.
Yeah. We're even more to listening to.
You guys just took and framed up how we're doing in just like what five emails. Thank you.
Oh yeah. Yeah. And all that's going to do is boost us.
I'm kind of bummed though. No one from Montrose has claimed anything on this one.
I thought we had a little thing going with the Montrose people.
Yeah. Well, they both told me out.
Yeah, I know. But I was hoping there'd be another one coming out of the woodwork for Montrose.
But not so far. The pride of Henry County, the jewel of Henry County, Montrose.
They've got a power plant and a junkyard. They are set. They are set.
And a campground. Yeah. I can't forget that. Yes. Yep.
All right. Let's take us a little break and we'll come back.
And I don't know if you got anything you want to say or anything you want to point out or something.
But we'll get to that when we come back here in a minute or so. Okay.
All right. Okay.
A lot of podcasts just come from a can.
Here at Two Dish Bags and the Microphone, we pour our own podcasts.
Oh, shit. What's that over there? Oh, no. It's Island of Horrible Jokes.
Ugh.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Let's see here. A package of eight hot dogs. A package of ten hot dog buns.
I would have to buy ten packs of hot dogs and eight packs of buns to even it out.
Should I buy them at once? Should I freeze them?
Or just continue to zigzag them and hope for the best?
I hate adulting.
Two Dish Bags and the Microphone, the number one show for people that lie about their favorite podcast.
Two Dish Bags and the Microphone and I am the Mark portion of it.
And I am the Rob portion.
All right, Rob, do you have anything you want to get to, anything you want to say, anything, whatever?
Yeah, I went across a fact check story.
Cool.
And this comes on Snopes. I've never heard of them.
Snopes.
Never heard of them.
Snopes has been a big fact check thing, but there's a big thing going on with Snopes.
A lot of people say they're wrong a lot.
So I don't know.
Oh.
This is just Rob Grant.
Yeah, I don't know.
So go ahead, go ahead with it.
We can make up our own mind, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's what we say.
We bring it to you.
You make up your own mind.
Yep.
All right, Rob, the floor is yours.
Go ahead.
The claim is an online advertisement displayed in November of 2023 said that Cracker Barrel,
Old Country Store, planned to close on the oil of its locations.
I remember reading that.
Okay.
The rating says it's false.
I believe that.
In October and November 2023, hundreds of different online advertisements will display
to users on Facebook and Instagram that each showed a photo of a Cracker Barrel, Old Country
Store restaurant location, capturing most of the ads where at closing time all the restaurant
chains closing.
The ads appear to hint that Cracker Barrel would be closing some of all its locations
during bankrupt or going out of business for other reasons.
Uh-huh.
All the ads led to an article on the investing.com website, the headline of the article read
last call, these chain stores are closing locations in 2023.
Yes.
I read that article and I didn't report on it because I didn't believe it.
It was too click baitish and it was websites that I did not recognize.
Right.
Well, what they're saying is they're calling that false.
Oh, that they are closing or they're not?
No, they're saying they're not closing.
Well, okay.
I read an article about not just Cracker Barrel, Applebee's and these other places, Chili's
and stuff that are kind of like in decline.
Okay.
Supposedly what they think is going on is these places are putting out these erroneous
stories, getting people interested in going to their store before they supposedly shut
down.
Well, what this article is saying is that those articles were click bait.
Yes, they were click bait because when I read that article and clicked on it, I was like,
no, I'm not going on here because it started taking me to some other unknown websites and
I was like, no, this wasn't supposed to be like.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah, I believe that.
That's exactly what they're saying.
Well, I have no idea.
So, look back and what they're saying.
Yeah, I have no idea if that's true or not, but I just read some speculation, I guess,
is what it would be that they actually hired someone to do that, to say that they're closing,
to garner interest.
But I don't know if I believe that.
I think they're just trying to get people to believe that.
I don't know if I believe that.
I think it's just click bait.
I don't agree with that.
Oh, shit, man.
My fried chicken is going bye-bye.
I better fucking read this.
I mean, just like all the other stuff that, I forgot.
There's like all these other ones.
Oh, let's see.
You cannot believe what they did to so-and-so.
Or check out how Andy Reid reacted to Mahomes and what he said and stuff like that.
And then you go there and there's nothing on it about it.
You keep scrolling down, scrolling down, thinking you're going to get to the article, but you
don't.
And they're getting paid every time some idiot clicks on it.
So yeah, I can believe that.
Rob, I think you are absolutely correct on that.
I think that Snopes is correct on that.
So yeah, that's what I was thinking too.
Cool.
All right.
I've got a little weird little story here.
Do you know what Feng Shu is?
No.
Feng Shu.
It is an Asian philosophy and art and almost like a religion on peaceful, happy, smooth
living.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Now I know what you're talking about.
Okay.
So they put the translate into wind and water.
It's a practice that helps people align their energies with their surroundings.
They came up with a list of bedroom do's and don'ts.
And the reason I say this because sleep is essential to a good life.
You got to have a good night's sleep for anything.
No matter what job you do, where, you need a good night's sleep.
You need to be relaxed.
You need to be able to have some proper downtime.
And this is our list of bedroom etiquette that will help you live the Feng Shu life
that they're talking about.
You know, at peace and you know, doing everything correctly.
Okay.
I'm going to be paying attention to this.
It's actually very good.
It's some stuff that I already knew and some stuff that opened my eyes a little bit.
So arrange your bed using the principle of commanding position.
What that means is you should have your bed located that when you are lying in bed, you
can see the door to the bedroom without being in line with it.
Ideally, you should place your bed diagonal from the door.
So you want it diagonal from the door, but you want it to where you can see the door.
If someone comes through there and they have bad intentions or something, you can react,
but not aligned with the door.
I'm set there.
Okay.
And I agree with that 100%.
I sleep on the far side of the bed.
On my old house in Cleveland, when I moved the bed, I slept much better because it was
aligned with the front door.
Although it was in another room, it was aligned with the front door.
And when I moved it and put it on the other side, I slept better.
And it had something to do along those lines.
So I agree with them here.
I think maybe what it is is you're kind of anxious, like someone might run through there
and try to hurt you or something.
So anyhow, I agree with that 100%.
Okay.
The less is more approach.
Besides a comfortable bed with a feel-good linens, a solid headboard, a grounding rug
eliminate what else you can.
No clutter, electronics, no wayward socks.
So this means that the baseboard or the headboard is essential and a good rug to step your feet
on.
And this even means carpet.
I looked it up a little bit further.
They have a good rug that is good, solid traction when you get off of your bed, helps you set
the tone for the day.
Interesting, isn't it?
Okay.
Yeah, I have closet but no headboard.
Okay.
Well, I mean, if you believe in it that much, like I kind of like think this stuff is predominantly
true is, I mean, for relaxation and what have you, get a headboard.
I don't know.
I still wake up every morning feeling like crap.
It's just your age and the work you do.
So been there, done that.
Okay.
Next, no coffin position.
Not facing the door is a coffin position.
They say that's a no-no.
I don't think so.
I don't face the door.
Avoid if possible bed under a window.
So if you cannot have your bed under a window, they say that's ideal.
Okay.
I have no single window in my room.
Okay, good.
I'm good there too.
Okay.
A strong headboard represents stability and support in your life.
So that's what they're referring to the headboard as.
Okay.
It helps you sleep and feel secure, I think is what they're trying to say.
That's what I got.
What do you think?
Yes.
Okay.
Yeah, that's kind of what I got from it too.
So okay.
Okay, the next thing they say, declutter underneath your bed.
Not a good idea to store an old book, letters, or legal work under your bed.
Feng Shu states that you need open, even space for energy to flow.
And also the other speculation when you read into Feng Shu a little bit more is a lot of
these letters could be like old love letters or something that really might have been a
torturous part of your life.
And part of it goes into that these things resonate up from the paper and into you.
So it's bad juju, bad whatever.
So they say don't do that.
Or legal papers, maybe something, a will, something like that could be the same thing
because that dwells on people passing away and the legal part of it and all that.
So they say leave all of that there and then you also need that energy to surround you,
around you, and encompass you.
And the only way to do that is to have a flow area underneath your bed that comes up over
and around.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Yeah, and I'm good there too.
Okay, cool.
I've got this golden lab.
I can't have nothing laying out.
Okay.
The next one they say, less electronics, the better.
Try to get a better one.
Try to rely on books and old fashioned alarm clocks, which is what I do now.
My phone is not even in the same room a lot of times.
I just leave it in the other room and I have a good book there.
I always have a good book that I can delve into and also have an old fashioned alarm
clock because I don't need the phone next to me.
Always you wake up and all of a sudden you see like 30 messages.
There's like, oh shit, something's going on and it's just a group text of just nothing.
So no, I don't like to, nah, I'm with them on this.
Crate cemetery.
The nightstand, they don't have to match the nightstands.
They should be in a complimentary and balanced.
So if you have a nightstand on the right side, you have a nightstand on the left side about
the same position in the room, same position on the bed.
You see, they want to, like maybe your TV should be, well, they don't like TVs in a
room, but if you have a TV in your bedroom, it should probably be lined up like that or
the dressers, you know, stuff like that.
So I get it.
Feng shu colors, cool blues, pale greens is what they suggest as colors in your bedroom
that will help you relax and sleep.
Small pieces of color should be energy pinks, reds and whites.
Be selective about your art.
Try to have uplifting, happy, peaceful art.
So I'm saying no kale oil paintings, right?
We would have one anyway.
Rob, you know there's a lot of sick, twisted people out there, right?
Oh, that's true.
There's people that actually think they love kale.
Look, Rob, look, I hate to say this, but there's people that actually love kale.
They think they do.
I know, I know.
I keep forgetting.
I know.
Rob, there are people that actually have been duped and they actually think that kale is
this great thing.
We can't save them.
They're dullable sheep.
There's nothing we can do about that.
But if someone's listening to this podcast, remember no kale paintings are nothing because
that would be horrible energy.
You know, I mean a big fraud, a big lie, you know, a big lie in our opinions.
Okay.
Anyhow, just have all the current books near.
Try to keep all the other books away.
So the current book means the book that you're reading.
All the other books you want somewhere else.
So just have the book that you're delving in to go to bed with at night.
Have that there.
And that's it.
No other books.
The other things they suggest is no home gym in the bedroom.
No work life permitted.
No work, anything in there.
When you go to your bedroom it should have absolutely nothing to do with work.
If you like plants, it says have a plant.
Nothing wrong with plants at all.
As a matter of fact, they highly suggest that if you like plants.
I would not suggest ragweed.
That is not a good plant to have in your house.
No.
Is that safe to say?
Yeah, that's very safe to say.
Okay.
Alright, well that is Feng Shu and that's what they say is essential to good rest and
a good night's sleep.
And I think that most of it is spot on.
What do you think?
Yeah, yeah.
Alright.
I'm in good shape.
Cool.
There's a couple things I could change.
Good.
Well me too.
I predominantly got that nailed.
There's a couple things I need to change up and most of it I'm already doing so I'm good
with that.
So let's take us another little break and we will come right back with some more interesting,
fascinating, goofy, whatever.
Remember to send all male body parts to us to be at the podcast for you.
Oh Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry.
I have a clown nose.
Oh no!
That drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay.
I have a clown nose.
Clown nose, just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office?
Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
Hello, this is Satan.
You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two douchebags
in microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.
Enjoy.
And we are back, two douchebags in microphone.
I'm the Mark part of it.
Hey there, bro.
Alright.
Rob, you got anything you want to get to?
Yeah, I got a little something here.
Alrighty.
Do you know what baby boxes are?
No.
I just learned something today when I ran across this story.
Baby boxes.
Can't say I do.
Baby boxes are boxes built into the walls of buildings like fire stations.
They can safely hold surrendered infants.
Now, I did know that pass that law that you could surrender infants to a fire station,
but I didn't know there were baby boxes.
Yeah, this also goes into that.
Okay.
Yeah, they can't change any of that.
Parents can open a door, place the baby inside, and an alarm will sound alerting personnel
that a baby has been dropped off.
In 2002, Missouri enacted the state Haven law, which allows parents to relinquish a newborn
up to 45 days old without facing prosecution.
Wow.
Efforts to be dropped off at hospitals or manned fire stations.
But state representative Jim Murphy said some parents don't want any face-to-face interaction,
which leads to tragic consequences.
It happened time and time again where we discover babies in alleyways or in dumpsters or so forth.
For a woman to give up her child after birth, it got to be a traumatic decision to make.
That's why we sponsored language that allowed the creation of baby boxes in Missouri.
The first box was installed at the Melville, and I hope I pronounced that right.
That's okay.
Fire protection district station two in southern St. Louis County earlier this year.
Okay, wow.
She says more fire stations are showing interest in that.
Murphy says each baby box is designed with safety in mind.
Okay, I guess it makes sense.
You know, people want to remain anonymous, and they want the baby to be unharmed.
So I get it.
Put the baby in the box.
It'll go to the other side where there's carrying individuals that will take care of this baby.
That's why they came up with this law, because there were spying babies everywhere.
Yeah, they're like throwing them on the fucking lawn and stuff.
Yeah, in dumpsters, alleyways, wherever.
They're trying to protect them.
I think that's a wonderful idea.
I'm glad they do that.
Good.
Wow.
Good story, Rob.
Thank you.
Yep, well, mine's not quite so serious.
You know, in England, four men were charged in the theft of a satirical golden toilet titled America at Churchill's Birthplace, Winston Churchill.
London Associated Press.
Four men were charged Monday over the theft of an 18-karat gold toilet from Blenheim Place.
The sprawling English Country Mansion where wartime leader Winston Churchill was born.
The toilet, valued at 4.8 million pounds or 5.95 million in dollars, was artwork titled America.
The Crown Prosecution Service said Monday it has authorized criminal charges against four men, 35 to 39.
The golden toilet was fully functional and people could book a three-minute appointment to use it.
Now, that's interesting, a golden toilet, but what I want to know is how come that golden toilet was named America?
Does that sound kind of shitty?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, the story didn't say anything about that, but I'm kind of like saying, fuck you, England.
Eat my dick.
Did it say how they got it out of there without being seen?
No, it did not go into any of that.
It went into a bunch of other stuff that frankly didn't give a shit about, and that was the court system in England and how they were going to be tried and all this stuff.
And the heist actually happened four years ago when they long since got the toilet back and it's been back installed and people have been using it.
Okay, okay.
Yeah.
So it was kind of...
I see what you mean there, the name of it.
Yeah, I wasn't really worried about anything else because I could give a shit less whether someone stole a fucking golden toilet from Winston Churchill's fucking childhood home.
I frankly don't have enough time in the day to give a shit about that, but what I do give a shit about is this right here, a golden toilet named America.
The whole reason I brought this article up was because I think that's bullshit.
Let's fucking find a sewer pond and name it fucking England.
There you go.
I mean, yeah, it's just irritating and the fact that this article made no mention of that at all kind of pissed me off.
It was like...
I know what they're saying.
They're calling this trash, they're calling this sewage, they're calling this dirty.
Yeah.
Fuck them, man.
We have dental over here.
They don't over there.
Right.
So, fuck them.
Fuck them.
Okay, on to something a little bit more positive.
And by the way, we don't have very many hits in England.
We have a couple in London, so I don't give a shit if I piss them off.
So, okay.
I said last podcast, which you all haven't heard yet, but when you do, you'll know that I said it last podcast, how to make homemade coffee creamers.
This is a new rage because coffee creamers have so many things that are very questionable or flat out bad for you.
The preservatives in them, a lot of them they consider carcinogens and cancer-causing agents.
So, now all the rage is making your homemade coffee creamer and it's relatively easy to do.
So, what I'm going to do is go over some of these easy recipes for you to be able to make your own coffee creamer at home if you choose to, which I'm going to start doing.
Okay.
Don't forget, we have an experiment.
Yes.
Buttered coffee.
Buttered coffee, yes.
This goes right along with that.
And I was going to wait until the weekend to try the buttered coffee and so were you.
So, probably.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm doing.
How about Sunday night's podcast.
I just don't want you to forget about it.
No, I'm not.
How about Sunday night's podcast.
Okay.
So, therefore I will try it Sunday morning.
Sunday I have an easy six hour shift, or it should be easy.
So, I get to wake up late and leave early.
So, that would be a good morning to try buttered coffee in my opinion.
So, if it sucks really bad it didn't ruin an eight hour day, it only ruined a six hour day.
So, okay.
It all has a day off.
Yeah, yeah, so there we go.
French vanilla.
One and one half cups of condensed milk.
One cup milk of choice, almond, oat, skim, whatever you prefer is fine.
One tablespoon of maple syrup.
One tablespoon of arrowroot starch.
One tablespoon of pure vanilla extract.
And that is right there, French vanilla.
That easy to make, those ingredients, do it.
I said okay.
Yeah, that's not bad.
That's a pretty easy list of stuff to do.
You have it made in five minutes at the most.
Peppermint mocha, if you're in the holiday spirit.
Again, one and a half cups condensed milk.
One cup milk of your choice, almond, oat.
What else is there?
I even see macadamia nut, skim, whatever you want.
One and one half tablespoons of unsweetened dark cocoa powder.
One eighth teaspoon of espresso powder.
One teaspoon of peppermint extract.
And two teaspoons of almond extract.
And that right there is a peppermint mocha creamer.
That is delicious because I've had someone bring in homemade peppermint mocha before.
And it tastes better than anything you can get off a shelf.
In my opinion, any of the coffee mates or the international delights or anything,
to me this stuff, or the Starbucks, to me this stuff tastes better.
It tastes fresher.
So, and then finally, here's how you make chocolate creamer at home.
Easily.
Once again, one and a half cups of condensed milk.
One cup of milk of choice, almond, oat, whatever.
Two tablespoons of unsweetened dark cocoa powder.
And one half teaspoon of pure vanilla extract.
And that is your mocha creamer.
And all of that is that easy to make.
And it tastes better and it's not nearly as bad for you.
I take someone to try that one.
Yeah.
I mean, look, I mean, I think we all read the reports on some of the stuff that they put in as preservatives.
And I don't know, you can make your own choice, but I think I'd rather do this.
So.
Yep.
Yeah.
So anyhow, let's see here.
Got a couple other stories we could hit here real quick.
I got a little tidbit to do.
Oh yeah, yeah, go ahead, Rob.
Yeah, it's a little fact I ran across.
Okay.
Upon being released in prison, David Allen Coe moved to Nashville in 1967.
Living in his house, which he always parked outside the Mother Church of Country Music, AKA the Grand Ole Opry.
Oh yeah.
And when the people would attend opera shows on Friday and Saturday nights, David Allen Coe would sit on top of his house and play his guitar and people soon would notice.
He just started out in the music business.
So that's how he got started.
I'll be damned.
And they show a picture of his house.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
And on the back of it, he'd sit David Allen Coe on the bottom, it says support the Grand Ole Opry.
And he wouldn't even play in there.
He was a nobody at that time.
Wow.
That's a cool story right there.
David Allen Coe, if you haven't heard him, do yourself a favor and look up some of his stuff.
Yes.
He's got good and bad.
Oh, I forgot.
You're right, he has some questionable... okay.
You know what, forget it.
I used to have a copy of his X-rated album.
Oh my God, dude.
Yeah, I know, I've heard some of it.
Just listen to his regular music, not that one.
Yeah, I have heard some of it.
So, anyhow, last but not least, Florida family is left baffled after Black Bear swipes Taco Bell delivery from their front porch before coming back for the sodas.
So not only was it... it was not just happy with the fucking food.
$45 worth of food, but it come back and got the drinks too.
It was a heavy-weighted snaggaphobe with a Taco Bell.
Lady Duteraise and Daniel Bula had ordered $45 of food on Uber Eats to their home in Longwood on Friday night.
The bear had other ideas and snagged the bag of food right after it was dropped off by a delivery woman.
So he didn't even have time to go get it.
So the home surveillance footage captured shows the animal grabbing the brown bag of food with its mouth and coming back soon to collect the drinks.
And if you get a chance, look this up. It is a great video.
You see where the bear is just kind of like, you know what, I'm going to go back and get the drinks now. I got this.
So I got the food. Now I need the drinks.
He's a huge bear too. A huge Black Bear.
That's fucking awesome.
They come out there to get the food and it's gone.
And then they looked on the ring and they're like, oh shit, a bear got it.
And the funny thing is, what are you going to do?
Okay, got my food.
There's nothing else you're going to do about it. You're not going to call up Uber and tell them they fucked up.
You're not going to call up Taco Bell and tell them they owe you something.
You're not going to go hunt down the bear and take your food back.
That's just called a loss. And they took a loss on that.
There's nothing else you can do. That's it. Right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. That is called just taking the loss and being good with it. That's it.
And then like, all right, bear got it. Bear bigger than me. Bear could kill me. Bear gets my food.
It is called law of the jungle, whatever the pecking order, all that stuff.
So anyhow, we are getting on the hour mark.
So Rob, do you have anything that you want to say or anything at all?
Well, did you realize that you could take the word shit and put a different word in it and come up with so many different slang words?
No. For instance, dog shit means very poor quality.
Yes. Yep.
Bullshit. Not true.
Yep.
Bullshit. Nonsense.
Ape shit. Rambunctious.
Yep.
Bullshit. Insane. Chicken shit. Coward. Rap shit. Poor quality. No shit, obviously. Holy shit. Mind blowing.
And there's like 14 different ones just right here.
That is fucking, I never even thought about that, but wow. Everything goes with shit when you're describing something.
Yep.
Wow.
That's 14 on this one list.
Okay. Fucking awesome, Rob. Thank you. Another good segment. Appreciate it.
Anyhow, we are going to go ahead and get the hell off of here, but thank you all for listening. We appreciate you guys.
Keep sending in the emails. We enjoy them and also we get a lot out of them. We really do.
Thank you, everybody.
Was it Laura in Osage Beach?
Yep.
If you're of age and single, you know what your duty is to Rob. Yes.
So I expect Rob to come back to me and go, man, I got the most hottest fucking chick sending me inbox stuff. Oh, it's great.
Her name's Laura from Osage Beach.
Honestly, Mark, after that, I ain't stuck. Awesome.
All right. Everybody have a good night. Thank you. All of this is tongue in cheek.
We tell you right off the bat, don't believe anything we say. Everything we say is bullshit.
So anyhow, have a great week. We'll talk to you guys next time around. Have a good night. Thank you, Rob.
Thank you, Mark. Good night, everybody.
Hey, where did they go? Where are the douchebags? Oh, my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man, that smells.