Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue
waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone podcast.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone says, you ever dream about eating chocolate pudding
and wake up with a spoon in your ass?
Just asking.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
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Real hilarity.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone invade your ear holes in?
Hey, who took a dump in the coma?
Hello, everybody.
This is Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob Redd.
All right.
Well, like we said last time, no scripts today.
No script.
No, this is going to be interesting.
Yeah.
So anyhow, first off, I'd like to know what you thought of my new segment called Things
to Eat During the Apocalypse.
Did you hear that yet?
Yes, I do.
And I am definitely going to be adding to that.
OK.
That was a segment I was going to start here all back.
Oh, really?
Was it?
Didn't know that.
You could pick out your yard and stuff and eat.
That's great.
Good.
Yeah.
And now I'm going to start that segment.
Yeah.
I mean, the reason I'm going to be adding.
I'll be adding in that segment.
How's that?
That sounds great.
OK.
Well, what I'll have you do is we'll just record it by itself and then I'll add it to
it because I have all the controls here and all that.
So anyhow, I mean, the reason I picked the hickory nuts is because everybody loves hickory
wood and they use hickory wood to smoke with.
But very little people know that the nuts are actually really tasty.
They can be eaten raw or cooked and they can also be made into things.
And people don't realize the versatility of hickory nuts and how many different hickory
nuts there is.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
I mean, they're a really good tree.
They're a beautiful tree.
They're all over the Ozarks.
They're up here even.
I mean, they're all over the place.
They're a really robust tree that's in the woods.
Oh, yeah.
I got introduced to them down on Grandma and Grandpa's farm outside Harrisonville.
Yeah.
You know, so.
They're a great tree.
And also, it's just good to know that there's so many plentiful.
I mean, let's hope you don't have to go have to find your own food.
But in case you do, hickory nuts is a perfect solution and they're easy to identify too.
Go online and look at them.
They're easy to identify.
So there you go.
Anyhow, we have a deer douchebags.
You can throw them out and get you a deer.
Yes.
That's another great one right there.
Deers love hickory nuts.
And that's how come a lot of deer hunters choose to hunt around hickory trees.
It's because.
Yeah, hickory nuts.
It makes that wood.
Acorns.
Yeah, acorns.
Yeah, deer love them.
Yeah, whenever deer eat those, their meat is a sweeter meat.
People love the meat from that.
So I'm not much of a hunter.
I never have been.
I used to hunt some quail and I went after some pheasant before, but probably didn't
have very much success.
I'm not much of a hunter.
I remember when I was a kid.
Yeah, when I was a kid, I toyed around with it too.
And then you go and shoot a 30-ot and see how much bruising it'll put on your shoulder.
Young man thing.
So anyhow, if people choose to do that as a food source, I don't have a problem with
it and I understand it.
So yeah, anyhow.
So Rob, how was your week?
Oh, it was pretty good week, man.
Pretty good.
Good.
Well, with you being on vacation and then catching me Thursday night, I didn't have
much homework.
So I actually had time to myself.
Oh good.
I did come up with a studio name today.
Oh yeah, what is it?
Duck Blind Studio.
Duck Blind?
And it's not because I watch too much Duck Dynasty.
Okay.
The reason why I picked Duck Blind, you know Duck is my nickname.
Yes.
I've been since I was a kid.
Yep.
And when I got introduced to you as Duck or Rob.
Going into my studio from blind to the world.
Duck Blind.
I like it.
That's how I picked that name.
Okay.
Talk is Cheap Studio.
I just thought it was a cute play on words.
That's my studio here, Talk is Cheap Studio.
I thought it was a cute play on words.
And Topher's studio is the No Filter Studio.
So you've got Duck Blind, Talk is Cheap, and No Filter.
So anyhow, in case you're wondering whose is what, there you go.
Cool.
Good.
I have a Dear Douchebag.
Do you want to even get into it yet or not?
Yeah.
Let's go into the, we've got to answer Dear Douchebag.
Yeah we've got to answer this.
This is, this takes president.
I mean even though we are unscripted, we cannot fail our listeners.
We are unscripted tonight, but.
By the way, I'm getting to you after a while, Jerry from Montrose, Missouri.
Unscripted, buddy.
He has not written back yet.
Anyhow, Jerry.
I'm getting an answer and I'm getting ready to.
Okay, cool.
Oh, that's right.
He is waiting for your answer.
Okay.
Besides that, the podcast with him on it just came out today, so I've got to give him a
little time.
You know?
Yeah.
He's got to wash all that radiation off of him from the.
I listened to it this morning and okay.
Yeah, I'm ready for asshole Olympics, dude.
Okay, Jerry from Montrose, thank you.
Okay, and Montrose is the darling of Henry County, right?
Oh God.
Yeah.
The capital.
Yeah.
Henry County's gym Montrose.
Yeah.
A junkyard and a power plant.
You can't beat that.
Yeah.
Everything.
You got an old bumper.
You also have power.
How about that?
So anyhow, we have a dear douchebags, Rob.
Yay.
All right.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Dear douchebags.
We have a guy on the block that puts his trash out three days in advance.
This is not only nasty looking, but their critters all get into it and inevitably the
nasty greasy paper towels and other assorted garbage always ends up on my fence line.
We have had words, but it doesn't matter.
He keeps up the behavior.
Signed, no more hot dog wrappers and paper plates in Lions Gate.
Okay.
Lions Gate is over here in Johnson County.
It's only about five miles from me.
So, okay.
Hey, thank you.
Thank you, local Lions Gate listener.
Cool.
We appreciate it.
Thank you.
That's Southern Johnson County, a really affluent area.
Really nice homes there on some hills nestled close to the Blue River.
I grew up building homes, working on homes over there.
Yeah.
Okay.
Then you're familiar.
Okay.
Yeah.
Neither.
So anyhow, thank you, local person, for this dear douchebags, probably four or five miles
away from me.
Mean distance.
And sometime when we're down at the city market, when we start doing that again, come up and
say, hey man, I'm the one from Lions Gate that asked for help.
So, well, by that time you may be ready to punch us because we probably gave you horrible
advice.
But anyhow, so if you're ready to punch us, we'll be up there then too.
All right.
Number one, you could get sturdy gloves, pick up all the fence line trash, save it for a
year.
Then when he is gone, place it in his shed or if he has a trailer or RV, stuff it in
there.
Yeah.
That would get a point across.
It'd come out to the shed, get a fucking shovel.
You know, he's going to like plant a tree or some shit and there's all this trash in
there.
What the fuck?
And yeah, he gets a point.
Oh, all that trash that blew all over the neighbor's yard.
This must be it.
And bags with big middle finger drawn on it.
Huh.
I wonder if it's for the...
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Number two, get downstream from his home on a windy day and let every piece of trash sell
high into his property.
And I've done that before because I've had a very messy neighbor and every fucking day
I was always, always fighting that bastard.
Always leaving shit everywhere and all this stuff.
So one day it was really windy.
So I picked up all the trash of his that came into my yard and the wind was blowing downstream.
So I just kept throwing it up in the air and it kept landing all over the side of his house
and his fucking fence line.
I was like, there you go.
There you go, bitch.
And then after that, he amazingly started taking care of his lawn a little bit better
and didn't leave his trash out there for a dog to carry into my yard.
So funny how that works.
Okay.
Number three, take traffic cones and make shift road in his front.
So in other words, you take the traffic cones and detour it in his front yard.
Do this right after you see his lights go out for bedtime.
That way when he gets awakened by the stream of headlights, he's going to freak out and
think a car roguely fucking went off the road and is getting ready to smash into his house.
But then when he looks out there, he's going to see like there's four or five cars driving
right in front of his fucking window because that's where the traffic cones took him.
I like that one.
Yeah, that's a very good.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
And this is going to go on until he open, he wakes up or he like wakes up to take a
piss and he sees all these lights headed towards house and he's probably going to piss himself
first.
And then by that time he'll be out there in his underwear, shifting these cones around
and cursing someone that he doesn't know who did it.
Right?
Or his wife knocks the shit out of him.
That can be, were you drunk last night?
No.
Who put those cones there?
Oh no.
Don't lie to me.
So next one.
Next one.
If, if number three didn't work.
Number four is buy a wooden flute and a megaphone.
Make sure and practice on the instrument daily or until he promises to clean up his ritual.
Now wooden flute is very fucking annoying.
Have you ever heard that for a couple of hours?
Yeah.
It's annoying.
Right?
At first it's okay, but then after about 20 minutes, like, okay, I get the point.
Right?
Yeah.
So, and the megaphone is to make sure that he can hear it.
So now, yes, other neighbors have to pay for his sins, but isn't that what life's about?
Right?
That is, that is.
That is.
Yes.
So small, small price to pay.
For other people's sins every day.
That's right.
So your neighbors are going to have to pay for his sins via the flute megaphone.
So that's just the way it is.
Don't feel bad.
Just keep going at him and keep grinding every day until this fucking loser gets the point.
And if he doesn't, then we always have number five here.
Number five, when he is gone, dig a burn pit, get said, save trashed and ignite it.
Then call the city on it for burning trash.
That's a $500 fine in Johnson County.
Good luck, asshole.
Hey, there you go.
Yeah.
They call him, this fucking guy, he's like, he's like burden.
They'd be out there in a hot sec and Johnson, you know, Johnson County.
Oh my God.
They probably beat the shit out of him too.
They probably just beat the hell out of him.
Fucking manhandle him.
You know, fucking.
He'd be locked up in county jail.
Oh yeah.
He'd probably get like a thumb in the can.
They like give him a thumb in the ass.
Don't you think?
Maybe.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
They give him a thumb in the ass for doing that for good measure.
They'd Andre the giant him check his oil, right?
And then you can sit there on your porch watching him.
And enjoy the show.
Yeah, absolutely.
So anyhow, I think that's solid advice, don't you?
That, that, that, that was solid.
That was solid.
So like always, we're giving out fantastic advice here at two douchebags and a microphone.
So let's take us a little break and then we'll get into some of the stuff that you've been
itching at Rob.
Sound good?
All right.
We two monkey fuckers and a toaster will be right back.
A lot of podcasts just come from a can here at two douchebags and a microphone.
And we're going to be talking about the
constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Mary, your grandmother always intruded your thoughts at the last minute while you are
masturbating.
Break shit house energy drink.
That's right.
Break shit house energy drink.
Make men feel good.
You want some balls?
You want to fuck shit up?
You want to force women across America?
Break shit houses or you?
Please enjoy break shit house energy drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere because of liability issues.
Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
All right.
Welcome back everybody.
All right, Rob, you've been having some stuff that's been itching at you that you've been
wanting to do.
So Rob.
It's you that's been itching at me, Mark.
Oh, okay.
I got to talk about this hairy ass Olympics thing.
Okay.
All right.
Hang on.
Let's make sure everybody knows this.
The hairy asshole Olympics has been going on for quite a while now.
Rob and I put up contestants that we think have a very hairy asshole just judging by
the way they look and maybe some of their grooming habits.
So people.
Yeah.
And by Rob's own admission, he's got a fucking crazy ass fucking carpet down there.
So I simply entered Rob into the contest and he's doing very well.
So Rob, go ahead.
And this is where Jerry from Montrose comes in because he emailed wanting evidence.
Yes, Jerry.
Well, I also mentioned that I could have somebody email and we tried that.
Me and Mark talked about I thought it went through.
It did not go through to his through the two douche bag or the douche bag.
Sorry.
Douche bag 66.
Okay.
I'll tell you what.
But it wouldn't do no good coming out of my mouth.
Here's what I'm going to do.
Let's avoid the middle man.
I will give you his email address and you email him directly.
How's that?
Will that work?
All right.
That might be the best way.
I got a better idea.
I got a better idea, Mark.
Okay.
Do you remember I said I would take a picture.
Yes.
Do you have your do you want that kind of picture on your phone?
Go ahead and send it to me and I'll send it.
Send it to me and I will send it to him.
Here we go.
Okay.
Well, that way you know too.
Are you texting me?
You want to email it?
Either one.
Either one will work.
Okay.
Email would be easier for me to forward if you want to do it like that.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Hang on.
Okay.
There we go.
Oh, and Rob, I've got something for you here.
You're living in Lake of the Ozarks.
The first casino ever at Lake of the Ozarks is going in.
Yes.
That's right.
That's been on my... Oh, on your talk about list?
Yeah.
I've been waiting for it to build up.
You can talk about it if you want.
I mean, we don't have a script tonight, so if you choose to talk about it, that's fine.
Oh, I know.
I know.
What do you think about it?
Are you forward against it or do you really care?
Actually, I'm forward.
Bring revenue and excitement to the area?
Well, no.
It brings jobs.
Okay.
That's true.
People around here need jobs.
Right now, I don't know how it is in the city, but down here, there's a lot of places weighing
off.
A lot of people losing their jobs.
There might be up there.
I don't know.
I mean, I'm employed and I haven't been looking for a job.
Yeah.
That's what I am too.
I have nothing to worry about in the job I do.
Oh, I know you don't.
I know you don't.
People like my son does have to worry.
There's G3 boats in Lebanon, Missouri.
They just laid off a bunch.
Okay.
Tyson Foods down...
Oh, yeah.
No.
They blazed.
They took out...
I've been on one of my news stories that I ain't got to.
There was like 2,200, but the state has reached out to try to help them.
Did you get that?
Yeah.
Got it.
All right.
I will forward it to them after the program.
Okay.
Thank you.
There's your proof.
All right.
I got a weird question.
Topher may want to see that too.
Okay.
I will send it.
The other judge on me.
Oh, yeah.
You're right.
Like he really wants to see it.
Sorry, Topher.
Mark asked for this.
This was Mark's idea, Topher, if you remember.
He knows.
He listens.
He knows.
I got a question for you.
But if you're going to put me in, I'm going to win it, damn it.
So far, you're in the lead.
But I have two wild cards.
It's going to blow your fucking mind, dude.
I'm telling you right now.
Oh, I got a couple others too.
Okay.
Rob, I got a weird...
No, I've already released one.
I'm only allowed one, so one's going to have to carry over.
Okay.
That's fine.
I got a weird question for you, Rob.
Yeah.
How many secret fuck-us do you think you get a day?
Do you know what I mean?
Like people just... you walk in my and they think, fuck you.
But they can't really say it.
How many secret fuck-us do you think I'm having?
Are you talking in a 24-hour period or are you talking about an eight-hour workday?
A 24-hour period.
How many secret fuck-us do you think you get?
I'm going to guess 15 to 20.
I was guessing five on myself, but it could be more like 15 to 20, yeah.
Well, I have a reputation at work.
I'm a good guy, but when I'm in a bad mood, nobody wants to mess with me.
Oh, so you probably get quite a few fuck-us.
That's what I'm saying, yeah.
But lately, I've been doing good.
I'm focused.
Everything's going good.
Okay.
We got some things straightened out, and it freed me up on...
I was getting behind, man.
Okay.
Because I was too busy doing other things, taking me away from my main job.
Well, I mean, look, that's what happens when you're versatile.
Your job is to keep everybody there working.
You're the feeder.
You're the supply guy.
You supply them with all their work.
Yeah.
I start them.
I unload the steel off the trucks.
I cut the frames.
I cut the crops.
I cut a lot of the parts.
I send everything to the welders.
Then it goes to paint, in assembly, and on the road.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
I'm not bragging on myself.
It's a demanding job.
It really is.
No, it would have to be.
When you have a worker like I am, I go above and beyond.
So you think you get a lot of...
I do what I can in the time I have.
Okay, Rob, then let me ask you, why would you get fuck-us with that?
Do you think it's because...
No, because I do get to be an asshole sometimes.
Okay.
And I lash out, which I'm working on.
And anybody at work, you know this.
But I'm also one of the greatest guys there.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I got what you mean.
I got what you mean.
Okay, so let me give you...
When I'm busy, leave me alone.
Let me give you a definition of a secret fuck-you.
This is a definition of it, okay?
A secret fuck-you is when someone is smiling and acting nice,
but you know deep down that they are screaming fuck-you in their thoughts.
That is the definition.
Okay.
So...
That's what I'm saying.
Anyhow, I think that I get five to six secret fuck-us a day.
And I think that three of them are from people that I don't know,
and a couple of them to three of them are for people that I do know.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Because I work with the public.
Yeah.
Okay.
I might get two or three a day people I don't know, and then the rest I do know.
Okay.
Well, I found out that this is a big question among people,
and like people that finding out whether they want to work with somebody or not,
this is a question that they ask.
Did you know that?
Yeah.
How many secret fuck-us do you get?
Because I guess how many you say you get and why means a lot.
People like value that, write it down, write down the specific answers,
and then they figure it out from there.
And that is why I was asking about secret fuck-us.
I just found that interesting, and I was like,
you know what, I'm going to talk about that on the podcast.
Oh, that's good to know.
Yeah.
That's good to know.
Yep.
Yeah.
So anyhow, interesting.
I'm going to change my answer.
Okay.
Why is that?
No, no.
I'm saying next time I'm going to ask that.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Cool.
I'm just being honest, man.
I can't help it.
That's my opinion, though.
I don't know, honestly.
No, I don't either.
That's why I ask stuff like that.
Everybody seems to like me, you know, when I get in the moods.
You know what, Rob?
I'm scared to be a secret fuck-use.
Yeah, you don't have to explain that to me, because I am the same way.
Yeah.
Oh, and by the way, my foreman, Mark, his name is Mark also.
Okay.
He told me yesterday he was going to check us out this weekend.
Oh, cool.
All right.
Welcome, Mark.
Thank you, Mark.
Even though you'll probably hear another podcast before this first.
But anyhow, welcome.
Thank you.
Thanks for checking us out.
Well, it depends on how much money he kicks and if he likes it.
He might...
I'll tell him, listen to this one.
I threw your name out there.
Okay.
That's cool.
Okay.
Yes, the podcast I listened to today, you asked where to buy the macaroni and cheese
ice cream, right?
And I never to get back to you because we got sidetracked.
I didn't look it up, because I got sidetracked.
Okay.
The Kraft macaroni and cheese.
I'll tell you what.
Here we go.
I'll look it up right now.
I got it right now.
Van Lee...
Oh.
Van Lee-O-Wellen ice cream.
And it's vanlee-o-wellenicecream.com.
So, vanlee-o-wellenicecream.com.
Just look that up.
But it's out of stock right now, so I don't know if you're going to get it because it's
out for a limited time and they're already out of stock.
So anyhow, good luck.
I got it right here.
Okay, cool.
$12.
Yep.
$12.
That's it.
So, anyhow.
I'm trying to think of what else is going on that we could just kind of bullshit about
here.
I don't know.
How about football?
So let's see.
We are on the seventh week, right?
Coming up?
Yeah.
Okay.
And anyhow, some of the teams are kind of taking shape.
Some of them are not.
I remember kind of being a slow build.
Unfortunately, it looks like Cincinnati is starting to get their shit together.
Buffalo Bill has been hot and cold.
New York Jets are playing well and they're winning a few games and they're doing really
good.
They lost against the Chiefs, but they won against Philadelphia.
And they're doing this with Zach Wilson without Aaron Rodgers.
Their defense is really good.
The victory is very disappointing.
I think the whole world is waiting for the Mahomes-Rodgers matchup.
It has never happened in what, four or five years now?
Five years?
It has not happened.
Every time it's supposed to happen.
Yeah.
Four or five years.
Yeah.
Every time it's supposed to happen, one of them is injured.
The first time it was Mahomes and the last two times it's been Aaron Rodgers.
So it has not happened and it'll be cool if it does ever happen.
I mean A-Rod says he's going to be back this year, but I don't know.
It's a torn ACL and he's 39 years old.
I don't know.
So, anyhow.
I saw a guy come into the store the other day and he was wearing a Katz's cap.
Remember the drug store Katz's around Kansas City?
It's spelled K-A-T-Z.
Yeah.
Okay.
He was wearing a Katz's cap.
I didn't really pay attention to his age that much.
So anyhow, I'm like, hey man, great hat.
He said, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cool.
Thanks, man.
I go, yeah.
I go, man, you know, those were cool stores.
He goes, huh?
Then I realized he was too young and I go, where'd you get that hat?
He goes, oh yeah, I got it from, it's like Kansas Sampler or one of those stores, you
know, that like have the local stuff and, you know, rarity stuff like maybe a Muehlbach,
which is still a hotel in Kansas City, but it was a beer.
They brewed the beer, Muehlbach beer in downtown Kansas City.
Maybe a shirt from there or something.
They bring up stuff from the past, the famous Western auto sign.
You know, there are a lot of shirts like that, you know, there's, so anyhow.
Oh, and it's still Western auto.
Oh yeah.
Oh, that's a fun place, wasn't it?
So my dad used to work at the one downtown.
Oh really?
That's a big one.
Yeah.
Okay.
Right after he got out of Vietnam.
Wow.
Okay.
And then he went to work for Western Electric where he met my mom.
Oh, very cool.
Yeah.
So, anyhow, the guy got this, he got this cap and he bought it because it's nostalgic,
but he had no idea it was a store.
He knew it had something to do with Kansas City's history, but he had no idea that it
was a drug store.
And anyhow, I remember Katz's very well because I grew up in Northeast Kansas City, really
close to the bridge that eats all the trucks.
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah.
So, anyhow, Katz's was right there at that bridge.
Now it's a CVS, but it turned into a Skaggs, then an Osco, and then now it is a CVS.
But back when I went there-
What's the name I forgot about?
Skaggs.
Skaggs and Osco.
Oh, God.
First, it was bought out by Skaggs.
Okay, first Katz's was bought out by Skaggs, and then it was bought out, Skaggs was bought
out by Osco, and then Osco was bought out by CVS maybe or went under, I don't know.
But it's been a different drug store five or six different times, and it started out
with Katz's K-A-T-Z.
So, anyhow, this guy, he didn't know what Katz's was, and I was like, why?
And then I thought, okay, it's like me wearing maybe like, if I found a Muehlbach beer shirt,
I'd wear it.
I think that'd be cool.
I never witnessed it, never had it, but I know about it and I wanted to wear it.
So he just didn't know that it was a drug store.
So I went down to this Katz's once a week with my dad, and we would go into there and
they would have a little area that they made homemade sodas.
They had the carbonated water and then they had the fresh ingredients.
So they used to make a lemon-lime fresh soda, and they were called a soda jerk.
And they had a little hat on, a little white hat, kind of like the guys at McDonald's used
to wear.
Remember when they all used to wear the hat, the little white paper hat?
Yeah.
Same thing.
They wore the little white paper hat to signicate, you know, and the apron to let people know
that this is your soda jerk and this is the guy that's going to be making your soda.
We'd go in there and we'd sit down at the bar area there where they served the sodas.
And they had the high bar seats, the round ones.
And my dad would have to pick me up and let me sit on there.
And I'd balance myself a little bit.
And he'd sit on the other one and he'd order us two lemon-lime sodas, one for him, one
for me.
And that was just cool that someone could come in there, wear that, and not even know
all the history behind the place.
They're just kind of wearing it as something cool and catchy.
But I told the guy a little bit about it and he's like, wow.
He goes, you know, he goes, that's really cool.
He said, I'm going to look that up and find out more about it.
And I was like, you know, man, that's cool that the guy gave a shit about stuff in the
past, right?
Yeah.
So anyhow, it was pretty cool and anyhow, just brought back fond memories.
So I know we're not doing too many stories tonight, but this is a perfect opportunity
to do this one story, if you don't mind.
Oh, you're fine.
Okay.
This is from Smithfield, Rhode Island.
A Rhode Island display is bringing back memories of New England shoppers.
Joshua Pannati, I believe is the last name, built a retailer cemetery with headstones
commemorating iconic stores that have gone to the grave or near death.
Some of the entries are Radio Shack, Blockbuster and the Christmas Tree shops, which I don't
know about, but I guess they were big, which just closed.
It just closed for good this August after 50 years.
Sears just has a handful of locations left and will be gone soon as well as Kmart.
And all of these are represented of stores of the past.
So anyhow, I just thought that was interesting.
If you get a chance, yeah, if you get a chance, look it up because he has like their, he has
their logos on them and everything.
It's really cool.
So he took a lot of time figuring these things.
So, anyhow, and we're going to start doing Douchebags Book of Poetry.
That sound good?
All right.
Okay.
Our first one, Douchebags Book of Poetry.
Now this is going to be little bits like, like things to eat during the apocalypse.
Okay.
So we'll have the voice guy or something or somebody go,
And now Douchebags Book of Poetry.
Oh my God.
Or, you know, whatever.
Our first one, roses are red, violets are blue.
Even with our tin can operation, we're still funnier than all of you.
I like that.
I love it.
So anyhow, I decided to do that because of this right here.
The other day I was listening to local radio and I know they didn't mean it towards us
or anything, but it said something about listen to some broadcast school dropout or a hundred
thousand watt radio station.
And I'm like, uh-huh, that's good.
Even though they didn't mean it towards us, I'm coming up with a rebuttal.
So I was just,
Oh, I, y'all, dude, just hearing that, I've got rebuttals running through my head.
Oh yeah, go ahead.
You have more poetry?
I worked on RSS.com with you.
Oh yeah.
We are in France, we're in Belgium, we're-
I can't believe the reach we're-
We're in one freaking area.
I can't believe the reach we have and how well we're doing.
Are we still up?
They have a lot more rules than we have.
Yes.
That's what I'm enjoying about it.
Yeah.
Have you, uh, are we still up 47%?
So-
Something like, yeah, like 47% or 42%, an astounding number that really caught me by
surprise.
So, anyhow, that, yeah-
I was on there just a while ago, dude.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
We, yeah, we're, we're up a little bit more.
Are we?
Oh cool.
Hang on.
I'm going to take a look at it.
Yeah.
I'm not logged in right now, but-
Oh, that's okay.
I looked a while ago, we, we had one, we, yeah, we were up.
Yeah.
It's, it's really taken off and done well and we thank you guys so much.
Yeah.
Yes, we do.
We do.
And that's what, that's why we're doing it tonight.
Yeah.
Everybody keeps hearing me do stories.
I'm sounding kind of bland.
I want people to meet Rob Ratt.
Yeah.
So that's why I decided we need a night.
This was my idea, honestly.
Well I mean-
I want a night for everybody to meet Rob Ratt and hear me talk.
Yeah.
And not read.
All right.
You know.
Well, Rob, do you have anything that you want to say?
Uh, you got some-
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Go ahead, Rob.
Okay.
The floor is yours.
Earlier, earlier I, we were messaging this afternoon.
Mm-hmm.
And I told you I was going to go out and do some PR work.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I put on my two-dose bag and a microphone, two-shirt.
Okay.
And I walked up to this fairly new little bar on the square near Campton.
Uh-huh.
It's like a 15-minute walk.
No big deal.
Okay.
And I went in there and I, they had me a couple of yin-lin drafts.
Good man.
How was the yin-lin draft?
How was it?
Yes, I did ask the woman if they use nitrous.
Do they?
She just looked at me and she said, I couldn't tell you.
I didn't get any yin-lin draft anyway.
Okay.
How good was it?
Oh, it was good, man.
It was good.
Then, then they probably did the nitrous.
She just doesn't know it.
So-
Yeah.
She was, she, yeah.
Saturday afternoon work or, yeah.
Yeah.
She just didn't know it, so.
But, okay.
This, this is better.
This is a table full of women.
Uh-huh.
Six women.
Yeah.
Come find out it was one of their birthdays.
Uh-huh.
I get my beer, I'm sitting there and one of them look over at me.
I'm sitting at the bar.
They go, do you play pool?
That's what I've been known to.
Cool.
Well, this younger gal speaks of, says, I play pool too.
And this other gal says, you want to play for money?
I said, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't play for money.
Cool.
Well, I play for fun, you know.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I, uh, went to drink my beer and, you know, just get the feel to play.
A nice little place.
Yeah.
It's, uh, oh, now, yeah.
It's really new, so I, it's a hard, I'm having a hard time remembering.
Oh, well.
The boo room.
Brew room.
Okay.
Cool.
Yeah.
It's right on the square in Campton, right across the street from, uh, the county jail,
honestly.
Okay.
Nice.
So, yeah, yeah.
Like I said, I walk, so.
Okay.
But, so I'm sitting there and I figure, you know what?
Let's have some fun.
Cool.
I get up, I walk back to the pool table.
I rock the balls.
I look over there and said, come on.
So she come over.
Uh, she beat me or I beat her the first game.
She beat me the second game.
And yeah, we're just bullshitting.
Yeah.
I ain't telling you, this chick was cute.
Really?
But she was like, I would say mid thirties.
Oh, wow.
Cool.
Okay.
Well, I've been around, I played pool a lot in my life.
Different pool halls, different bars.
I know the lingo.
One chick shouts out, want to play for money.
Okay.
I got my garden.
Yeah.
Well, me and her didn't even say nothing about playing for money.
We were just playing for fun.
Yeah.
Well, they happened to be a birthday party, so they were getting ready to go and go to
another bar and start bar hopping.
Okay.
And I'm come walking back up to the bar and I'm right behind her and this one gal gets
it.
The one that yelled out playing for money.
She goes, where's my hat?
Where's my hat?
And I just shut my mouth and I just sat down.
Let me tell you, I think I very well could have got hustled.
Really?
This girl, I mean, we were just playing around, but then I start showing something, she'd
start showing something.
You know, like two, three, four in a row.
She was just, she was playing.
I got it.
She was playing with me.
Yeah.
So yeah, I'm no better.
You know, I grew up, you know, back in the eighties, I was down at Raytown pool.
We used to have like a setup guy, a setup guy worked well on like on practical jokes.
And also when hustling somebody, someone that just comes out of the blue, goes to another
part of the bar, doesn't know anybody, but you do know him.
Okay.
He's talking to everybody, but you guys over there playing pool.
Then he kind of meanders over there.
He doesn't really say anything and then you're just kind of like, you know, you look at the
guy you're playing and go, Hey, you know this guy?
He goes, no, no.
Okay.
And then I kind of look over there, even though I know him and go, Hey, are you going to play
next?
Are you going to put money up or you just watching?
Yeah, I'm just watching.
Okay.
Well, Hey, I'm Mark.
This is so and so.
And then you can hustle somebody really good like that too.
If you act like you don't know them and then you're playing the guy that they don't know
and you suck.
Right.
And then you're horrible and he kicks your ass and then you hand him the fake fucking
$20 that he won, but he's going to give it back to you.
Right.
All right.
And then you give them the 20 and I'm going to shit, man.
Well, I don't know.
You know, you want to play for money.
And then that by that time that guy's like, Oh yeah, he fucking sucked.
He just lost 20 bucks to this guy.
And then all of a sudden he has fucking turned on the juice and take his money.
So sometimes people get really radical about that too, cause they're like, they can smell
the setup, you know?
Well, here's what Tida told me when we got done playing our game.
She was just shooting around with the balls left on the table and she set up three balls.
Yeah.
Two by one pocket, two by the middle pocket and one by the corner pocket.
And she made his bank shot down to the end of the table with the three, one, two, three
rail into the corner.
Okay.
Back up to the corner.
You know what I mean?
From one end of the table.
Yeah.
Back up to the corner.
She did it twice in a row.
She goes, Oh, come on, try this.
I said, nah, nah, nah.
Not today.
Oh, come on.
And then, you know, there was each time she would move one ball up for the next shot.
So she knew he was going to take two shots and get me to do the third one.
Okay.
So finally I said, okay, I'll give it a shot.
You know, cause during the game she kept telling me, you're pretty good.
You're pretty good.
You know?
And so I take this trick shot.
I made it dude.
Really?
Yeah.
Three, three rails at the far end of the table and back up into the corner.
Oh wow.
I ain't kicked up a pool stick in a couple of years, dude.
Oh good.
Good for you.
Cool.
All right.
She was impressed.
Cool.
All right.
Well, let's, let's come back here in a minute.
Okay.
Let's take a little break.
All right.
Okay.
If you love vomit, we have the podcast for you.
And now deep thoughts with Mark.
So I ordered spaghetti and meatballs.
My meatballs automatically fall apart as soon as I touch them.
So then does my dish automatically change its name to spaghetti and meat sauce?
I may never know.
Dirt and apocalypse.
Don't forget the nuts.
Hickory nuts that is.
Yeah, we know Hickory wood gets all the glory and all the love.
Everyone loves the Hickory trees, they cut them down and they make great sandwiches out
of barbecue and meats.
They smoke them and it's a fantastic deal.
But little does anyone know about the Hickory nuts.
Dirt and apocalypse Hickory nuts could be the best thing you can find.
Hickory nuts can be eaten raw, toasted or added to various recipes.
Their rich buttery flavor and crunchy texture make them an ideal ingredient for both sweet
and savory dishes.
You can use Hickory nuts to make nut butter, pesto or even a unique Hickory nut milk.
There are five types of Hickory nuts.
Bitter nut Hickory, Shag Bark Hickory, Pig Nut Hickory, Mockernut Hickory and Smooth Bark
Hickory.
Hickory trees are considered part of the walnut species and are plentiful at least around
Missouri and surrounding areas.
So dirt and apocalypse, don't forget to grab your nuts.
Ok then.
S3
Alright…
K
Pretty cool
That's what that's kind of what I wanted tonight to be you know I didn't want to read off a script
You know I wanted to be me. No. You know what that's cool
Had a good time over the last few days in Eureka Springs. This is our like home away from home anymore
It's about three and a half hours away from Kansas City. It's down on the Arkansas, Missouri border pretty much
It's about I don't know ten miles into Arkansas at best
It's in the middle of the Boston Mountains. It's a very fun place
And
Yeah, we have some places. We really like to eat there and one of them is this is Italian joint named
Ermillios that place is so good
I mean there's people at every time I see people come into work or run into them casually and there and
They went to Eureka Springs if they spend any amount of time there at all one of the first things always mentioned is is
Ermillios because everybody loves that place it would stand up in Kansas City or st. Louis or even
Chicago for an Italian eatery for an Italian place
It's not crazy expensive, and it's really really good family recipes. They they have this
this this they give you this oil with garlic in it and
They give you homemade bread you tear off a piece of the homemade bread and you take this garlic and mash it up
With the oil and then put a little bit of butter and you mash it up into like a garlic butter oil
Consistency you know like creamy, and you put it on your bread. It is so good and
And anyhow this last time I went for the lasagna about usually do the chicken parmesan
But everything there is just so good the ingredients are fresh the
The waitstaff is an incredible they are fast. They are good. They are accurate
I've never had a bad meal there, but I just wanted to plug Ermillios and tell you I'm not getting anything from this
I'm just like oh, no what a great place that is and then another place
I'm down there. I'll give it a shot. Yeah, yeah, you'll have to and then we went to the crystal ballroom at the crescent the
Crescent is I've seen a Facebook post yeah, yeah, yeah, and I forgot exactly what I was doing there
I
Did something stupid I posted something I forgot what oh?
Oh, I know what it was no. I was gonna have a boo berry waffle oh
Yeah, that was it yeah, yeah because the crescent is one of the most if not the most haunted hotel in in America
Yeah, so I was gonna have a boo berry waffle in their crystal dining room
But anyhow they have one of the best breakfast brunches around that place is
Incredible their grounds there the groundskeepers work so hard. It's immaculate
They have like black elephant ears. They have
Cantalilles they have all these species that brings in these butterflies from all over the country and there's these there's this
Rare yellow butterfly that comes there that doesn't go anywhere else around there
It comes there because the butterfly knows
These species of flowers that they have there are very rare that they don't grow around Arkansas the yellow butterfly comes there
specifically to have this flower
Wow yeah, it's a really it's just a really cool place
They're like Hemingway Ernest Hemingway's place in Key West where they have cats that have been there for over and over like
Ernest Hemingway has some like very famous
Five-eyed cats or so not five-eyed, but maybe a three-eyed cat or cat most commonly cats
We like six toes or something like that and that's because they are descendants of descendants of descendants
They're inbred they've been in that place that whole time well they have this too and
And anyhow they even have shirts with the main cat there, and it says the boss we got our friend Rose one of them
It's really cool. Anyhow the the boss is out there when we're out there on the back porch, and that's the cat and
And anyhow I come over there, and he gave me a look like not today
So people started screwing with him, and he just went underneath the went underneath the hotel
He's like screw this but anyhow he's awesome. He just gives you this
Attitude if he doesn't want to be bothered you know every now and then I'll come up
And he'll be like okay you can pet me, but a lot of times. He's like fuck you guys leave me alone
And he's a cool cat
Anyhow they have a lot of cats like that which is very cool
Then they have an old church just right below it because this is on the top of the mountainside
right below it is an old church and
Anyhow it rings a bell on the
Every half hour
beautiful church that still in works on Sundays and
Across the way there
Is a giant Christ?
It is the passion of the passion play
Passion of the Christ play I've been there isn't it cool. Oh
That is awesome. That is awesome. It's a giant white Jesus made out of limestone maybe
The lights up in I would say so
It's a beautiful sight to look over there and see it. It's just beautiful at night, and it's beautiful during the day, too
So I've actually been to the place. Oh you have
Yeah, the play is the play
It's it's fairly expensive, but here's why they have to bring in their own camels
You know feed the camels donkeys they have all these livestock because this is the actual
Passion of the Christ play and this is far as I know the only place in America that plays it live
I thought it's awesome me and my ex-wife met oh really?
The path decline impersonator. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were down there one weekend
And we yeah, let's go but we always wanted to catch it so we did
Okay, cool. It was cold and misty out. We bought a couple ponchos
You know it great show man great. It was awesome
I have not seen it yet, but I'll tell you what everybody raves about it, so I am gonna see it
so if you want if you are a believer and
You want to feel the Holy Spirit
Go watch this play
Wow, it's that good. I can say that's all I can say
Okay, all right well everybody go see the play
You know unless you're Satanist, and then you probably don't want to see your play right yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so I said if you're a believer
And if you're agnostic you can like go and play like Jesus is something else
Right yeah, yeah
Okay, anyhow all right enough or if you're an out of work actor you might be able to get a job. Hey there you go
Yeah
Yeah, I'm gonna go
Yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean if you kind of look like Joseph or something you know
You know how to work actor just show up there
You never know be like yeah, you know what you know a lot of people in that show there are
Yeah, it's a very expensive show, and that's how come it doesn't play all the time
They do it in segments, and then they stop it for a while and do it again is
Because they need to be sold out every night to really make money on it
Yeah, it was like 2001 when I okay
well, it's cool because
We're where the the base of the giant Christ is the people who?
Made that play possible and that started it both their burial plots are right there buried right next to Jesus's feet
And it has music playing 24-7 out there. It has a religious music. It's it's just a beautiful grounds
It's great and then and then now you can even get a funnel cake just right down the road. They have like food trucks
so
So you can go by there you can stand next to the giant Christ you can get your picture taken right next to the huge Jesus
And you can have a funnel cake right afterwards or even before if you want so there you go
It doesn't get any better than that
Another place that I want to mention there. That's really good for food is the horseshoe grill
The horseshoe grill is a great place
And we didn't get to go to they have great food that they have great steaks
They have just like almost like bar food, but it's much better
The chicken fried steaks they have like ribeye
specials and stuff like that is a really good place and then another place we didn't get to go this time because
Nobody really wanted barbecue, but there's this place. They're called sauced
Barbecue that has the best burn ends I've ever had and they sell out
They open at 11 and the burn ends sell out by 1130 every day
Yeah, I had to go up there and get them at like 11
I waited until they opened the business and I jumped right there in the drive-thru and said hey
How many burn ends do you have we got a couple pounds? Okay?
Throw them in a bag and give them to me. How much do you want for them?
So I bought a couple of pounds of their burn ends and this is the first time ever got to try him was my lat
Not this last visit but the visit before
Because they were always sold out whenever I went there and the guy told me he said if you really want to try our burn ends
Here's what you do because I loved everything else. They had there including the sauce all of it was very good and
He said you got to be here at 11 when first open the doors first went in you're gonna get some burn ends
He said if not, I can't guarantee it. He said we don't put a limit on him or anything
So if someone comes in and says how many pounds we got 12 pounds. I want them all in a bag
Then they give it to him
So, you know the object
Well, the object of the game is to make money and how do you make money by moving your product?
So if someone comes in and wants to buy it all then you just made profit and it's not sitting around or nothing
So I don't blame them. So I got there at 11. I tried it. It was really really good burn ends and
And it probably the best burn ends I've ever had I was just amazed and we have great burn ends around Kansas City
Burn ends is originated started in Kansas City because of the guy that started barbecue. I forgot his name. He started all the
Founding places except for Jack stack and that would be gates and Bryant's
Let's see who else there's a couple other places I forget about but anyhow he also
He also started a smokestacks pits to did the barbecue pits
To get that unique smoke flavor
He started a
smokestack which
Later on one of the restaurants turned into Jack stack but Jack stack is a whole nother franchise now
Yeah, yeah, so anyhow so he did start that pit too
But he didn't start that barbecue there, you know, but burn ends was from him and burn ends was simply like this
Burn ends was a food they gave brisket to the slaves a long time ago
And the reason they gave brisket to him is because nobody thought it was good meat. It was tough
They didn't know that you had to cook all the fat out of it. And then it's the best taste of meat ever
so the African Americans
African Americans started barbecuing it and figuring out if you cook this enough and you let the fat collapse
Just like drain off of it and the meat collapses on it with all that flavor in it
That is some of the best meat you can ever have and they figured out how to cook this to make it
Some of the best food you'll ever have and also to make it edible so it didn't all springy and chewy
so
anyhow
We have great burn ends around here, but the sauce burn ends are amazing
So yeah there in Eureka Springs go buy and grab you some
So any other
Little joint I used to go to down there. I cannot remember the name of it for the life of me
Is it Bubba's?
It was on a southwest
of
town
Okay
They you threw peanut shells on the floor. Oh
I remember I remember that place
Was it rockin pig? I?
Don't remember like I said, that was like 2001
over 20 years ago
Through penis oh, I
Don't know but I do remember they had a great pivo
You could get pretty much anything there
Okay, and it's on the south the south was part there. I'm gonna have to see if it's still there
Okay, cuz I'd like to know it if it is I'll go there
Yeah, it's oh, it's easy to get to I'll tell you how to get to it off off air
Okay. All right. Well, we are going on in ours. I think we're gonna go ahead and call this a podcast
so this was an
Unscripted and seemed to want pretty well. Oh no till we listen we survived. Yeah, we did. Yay
Well, we'll be back tomorrow with more bullshit for years so everybody have a good night, thank you
I hope everybody loved it and give us your feedback. Please. Yes, please do
We want to know douche be six six at
Yahoo.com. Thank you guys. Have a good night. Bye. Good night everybody
Hey, where'd her big oh, we're the douchebags hmm. Oh my god
Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back
Oh, man, that smells