Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue
waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone podcast.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone says,
you ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass?
Just asking.
Oh Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water, because nobody likes
a stinky asshole.
Hey everybody, this is Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I am the Mark portion of it.
And I am the Rob portion of it.
Alright, so how you doing Rob, you doing alright tonight?
I'm doing good buddy.
Sounds like it.
You know how I'm working on setting up my studio?
Yes.
And I've told you, I've got the 38 Special Bandana.
I'm going with bandanas and vinyl records.
Okay, cool.
I picked a couple of new records up today.
Oh cool, what are they?
Vinyl, they're all vinyl.
One of them is the actual 1976 version, the Royal Silence, Man for Man's Earth Band.
You talked about a very old one.
That's a very underrated band by the way.
Oh yeah, dude I love Man for Man.
I do too.
I'm still looking for my Cheryl Teague poster and my Farrah Fawcett Majors poster.
Because when I had her.
They gotta be in storage.
Yeah, they gotta be.
When I had her poster she was Farrah Fawcett Majors as in Mary DeLune Majors.
That would be worth some money.
The one where you get a little nipple poke at the very top.
So I'm still looking for the Cheryl Teague and my Farrah Fawcett Majors poster.
Let's see, I'm looking for a couple other things too.
What I'd like to do though is have a beer vending machine in here in the Talk is Cheap
studios.
I'm working on that because I know they do make beer vending machines specifically for
beer.
The only thing that would come out of it is Yenling bottles.
There nothing else is allowed.
And then I would be pretty happy with this.
Well I need another mic.
This is later.
I gotta get more room in here and get some of the storage out of here and stuff.
But I'd like to have a two mic'er and maybe another monitor.
Maybe another monitor.
A couple other things.
So I'm still working on mine too Rob.
So anyhow that's cool that you're personalizing.
I also picked up another problem.
Oh yeah?
What is it?
It takes me to our funk list.
Oh okay.
I picked up Rose Royce Greatest Hits.
Oh where'd you get that at?
It's called the Pick It Since.
It's a consignment shop here in Campton, Missouri.
I happen to know the owner and the owner's mother.
The owner's mother owns Chuck White and Cafe.
And she's getting ready to retire.
But her daughter owns a picket band as a consignment shop.
And they have the vinyls.
But here's the shocking part.
This album, side A is a romancing side.
It's a romance song.
Side B is dance side.
You know what Rob?
You're gonna have...
Car Wash, the song they're known for is number two on side B.
There's a B side?
Yeah.
Wow.
It's viable dude.
Yeah I know but what I'm saying is that wasn't even the main hit.
If it's a B side...
Wow.
Well on this album.
Oh on that.
Okay I got you.
I got what you're saying.
The A side is romance songs.
I got what you're saying.
This is like a compilation of that band.
Yeah the A side is dancing songs.
Okay.
And Car Wash come in second.
Okay.
Okay cool.
Wow.
The funny thing is the first one, the first song is it Love You're After.
Wouldn't that be on the romance side?
You would think.
Oh and also something else I gotta bring up Mark.
Oh yeah.
About my decorations.
I'm also adding bandanas.
Okay how about asshole pictures?
Uh we're finalizing that.
No no no no no no.
I mean putting them on your wall.
Like maybe have a whole wall full of assholes that people send you.
Yeah well definitely our winner.
Definitely our winner.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
But anyway I have something here in front of me Mark.
Uh huh.
I think you might even remember.
Okay.
Okay I'm gonna have four bandanas going across.
The very last bandana is gonna be the 38 Special bandana I bought at the concert the other
night.
Cool.
My first bandana.
You remember my 76 four door Caprice Classic, my first car.
Of course I do.
I got when we were working at Jess and Jim's.
Yeah I remember that.
Do you remember I had a bandana rolled up hung around the rear view mirror.
Vaguely yeah.
It was a Harley Davidson with two Cobras on it.
Yeah I remember a little bit about that yeah.
Guess I'm working at it right now dude.
You found it or you had it?
I've had it this whole time.
Wow.
I have it yeah it's gonna be the number one bandana.
I bought this bandana in 1985 for my first car.
Wow very cool.
Yeah I'm putting a lot of motion into this studio dude.
Good good you should because the studio needs to be a place that uh.
This is my sanctuary.
Yeah your sanctuary that releases um.
How do I say it?
It channels thoughts in a certain vibe.
A certain vibe to where yeah so anyhow that's cool.
You know what well we're on music news.
I got an interesting news story I came across actually today.
Alright.
Do you want to hear about it?
Of course.
Okay did you know that.
That's why I'm talking to you.
I want to hear what you guys say.
I was just throwing it to you to get to give me the hell yeah I want to fucking hear it
dude.
But you took your own way and it worked so okay here we go.
No I'm gonna say fuck you I want to talk to you I'm gonna hang up on you.
Alright okay uh Kiss is getting sued.
The widow of Paul Stanley Guitar Tech is suing Kiss for wrongful death.
This guitar tech friend Stuber passed away in 2021 after contact contracting COVID on
the band's end of the end of the road tour.
Now Rolling Stone has revealed that Stuber's family has filed a lawsuit against Kiss for
wrongful death.
The suit has been filed on behalf of Stuber's wife Catherine.
Rolling Stone which previously investigated the circumstance around Stuber's death has
shared selected quotes from the filing.
Stuber suffered fatal injuries and plaintiffs suffered damages including but not limited
to funeral and burial expenses, the permanent deprivation of love, companionship, affection,
solace, society, comfort, assistance, services, and financial contributions, and moral support
of decadent in amount according to proof at trial.
So there's more too but the amount is going to be determined in trial.
They're going to go for as much as they can.
I think this is probably going to go in the millions and that's why they left it open
ended like that wouldn't you say?
Oh yeah yeah definitely definitely.
Yeah the defendants in the trial include Kiss's Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley, the band's
manager Doc McGee, tour promoters Live Nation and Marriott International.
Stuber reportedly passed away after he and numerous other members of the tour and party
contracted COVID.
Stuber then isolated in Four Points Hotel by Sheridan in Detroit, part of a chain owned
by Marriott International and that's how come they're mentioned in the suit.
In accordance with the tour's COVID policy, the suit alleges Stuber later contacted McGee
to request his condition as his condition worsened and was told a health worker would
be sent to check on him.
The suit alleges that McGee then sent another crew member as opposed to a medical professional
like Stuber asked for to the hotel who ultimately called the police when he could not reach
Stuber.
The guitar tech was found dead when the police entered the room.
Rolling Stone previously reported that 12 out of 70 of the touring party tested positive
for the illness including Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.
As the suit puts it, defendants in each of them whether through acts of own omission
to act breach to the acts of breach of duty to plaintiffs by their negligent production,
operation, inspection, supervision, management and control over the end of the road tour
that ultimately resulted in the death of the deceased.
At the time, Rolling Stone initial investigation, Kiss commented to the publication, they had
met and often exceeded standards when it came to required safety protocols.
Our end of the road world tour absolutely had COVID safety protocols in place that met
but most often exceeded federal, state and local guidelines, the band wrote.
But ultimately, this is still a global pandemic and there is simply no foolproof way to tour
without some element of risk.
The band also alleged in turn that some of the touring party may have faked evidence
of COVID vaccinations.
See so that right there is where they're going to get them.
You know and then not sending a medical professional but sending another touring guide to go check
on the guy is probably another one that they're going to you see where they're going here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just have a question.
Yes.
This is Kiss right?
Yeah.
Do you think we could get a lawsuit started against Kiss?
How?
What for?
I'm sitting here looking at a 2000 farewell tour t-shirt.
How many farewell tour?
That's how they hooked you.
I think that's worth a lawsuit.
I've never sued anybody in my life and I love Kiss but damn it.
I mean hell, Gene Simmons shares the same birthday going on.
Okay, let me do mention this though.
You're going to have to sue Ozzy, you're going to have to sue The Eagles, you're going to
have to sue Fleetwood Mac, you're going to have to sue virtually every fucking band out
there because they've all done it.
Yeah, but how many times has Kiss done it?
Okay, let's see.
Quite a few.
Okay, there was the farewell tour and that was with Peter, Chris and Ice Freely and then
it was like the extended farewell tour and then it was like, oh no, we're bringing back
Eric Singer with still Ace but not the farewell tour.
Then it's like, oh no, no, no, we're going to bring Tommy Thayer, no Ace, no Peter, Tommy
Thayer, Eric Singer, Gene and Paul but another tour and then it's like, hey, let's do another
album and then another tour.
And then another tour after that and then there was the end of the road tour which has
been going on for six years now.
Can you get my point now?
Yes.
So what you're saying is, well Fleetwood Mac may beat us.
Everybody else is sue happy.
I've never sued anybody in my life.
I went to see Fleetwood Mac's farewell tour in 1985, Rob.
Or 86.
It's either 85 or 86.
Oh, okay.
The year we met.
Yeah.
We met March 5th, 1985.
Oh wow.
I guarantee you that date is correct.
Okay.
It was my 16th birthday and my grandpa took me to Jess and Jim's to get a job instead of
my driver's license.
Boy, he ruined you that day, didn't he?
He didn't realize it.
Well, he was friends with Jim.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, Big Jim.
Yep.
Yeah.
And Jim's family grew up right up the road from me.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I knew his little brother.
So we gave Jim all that shit and you actually knew him really well.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, he was fun to get to.
I even beat him in the nuts a few times with the big spoon.
Oh yeah, good, good.
I remember I used to like go up behind him and go up between his legs with one of those
fucking metal spoons and crack him in the nuts.
Oh my gosh.
With those big ones.
Well, his father-in-law was best friends with my grandpa.
Oh, okay.
Down off Double D, off Two Highway.
Yeah.
Okay.
Favorite neighbors.
Okay.
Cool.
Yeah, I had an in with Jim.
That's how I got the job, dude.
Oh, okay.
I never met Jim before that day.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Okay.
And then I had you, your brother, Jimmy, Brian, Mike, and everybody else corrupt me.
All those hoodlums.
This was my sweet 16th birthday, dude.
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
I'm not.
I'm joking around.
I am too.
I'm not.
That was the best time of my life.
It was.
I was 16 years old working a 40-hour week job at Jess and Jim's, and you were witness
to that.
Plus, going to high school full-time.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
Did that tell you who I am?
Yeah.
Oh yeah, yeah.
And then we kept you out late drinking a lot of nights too.
We were so bad.
Yeah, but you know what?
I still got up and went to school.
Yep.
Smell like booze and fucking wondering if you got a venereal disease the night before
or not, right?
No, no, my dad would hear me throwing up when I'd get home.
He'd yell at me, shut the door, I don't want to hear that shit.
I was 16 years old coming home drunk.
He didn't give a fuck.
The last episode that I posted yesterday night, last night.
Yeah, I listened to it this morning.
Yeah, I told the story about fucking passing out on the toilet seat.
Yeah.
I was cracking up over that.
I was like, oh my God, I remember it like yesterday.
Oh dude, I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow night I'll tell a story about me on a toilet seat passing out.
Okay.
Okay, that'll work.
Let's take a break.
I have witnesses.
Okay, I believe it.
I believe it.
Let's take a break when we come back.
I have things to whisper in a stranger's ear.
How's that?
Oh, I love them.
Yeah, yep, there's some good ones.
All right, we'll be right back.
Oh, go ahead, what?
All right.
No, go ahead.
All right, we'll be right back right after this.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
So let me see.
Let's say I was offended by people being offended.
Then would people being offended all the time would have to not be offended around me
because I was offended by them being offended?
Hmm.
I may never know.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Man, Axel Rose is such a great childhood therapist.
I hope he writes more books.
All right, two douchebags and a microphone on Mark.
And I'm Rob.
All right.
Well, as before promised, right before the break,
and you probably heard Satan talking about how he listens to the program while burning souls,
and oh, let's see Deep Thoughts where I want to make frog fucking noises
and put them over a ring for the Amazon guy when it's 10 below, and all those big ha-has.
I'm liking a lot of his stuff.
I do too.
I don't really hear him.
I love the new one, Things Overheard in Hell and Deep Thoughts with Mark
are two of my favorite ones now.
Oh, brick shithouse energy drink.
Yeah.
Isn't it?
I've got a new one that's almost done, and it's the new improved smack in the balls.
Oh, I can't wait for that one.
That's going to be epic.
It's a device that gets rid of stupid people.
It's called smack in the balls.
And we're going to give away what?
How many, 40 of them, 40 smack in the balls?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we agree on 40, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, is that 40 each or 20 for each one of us?
40 each.
I want to go 40 each.
You call in, and we'll give you a free smack in the balls.
No problem.
Because we care.
I mean, what does this retail for, Rob?
Like 70 bucks?
$69.95.
$69.95?
$69.95.
Yeah, to get one of these little gems.
But we will give you a free smack in the balls if you email me.
You want a free smack in the balls?
No problem.
We'll get you one.
So, all right.
Well, before I mention things to whisper in a stranger's ear.
This is actually Topher's idea quite a while ago.
And we've been doing it off and on ever since.
Have you and I done things to whisper in a stranger's ear yet?
Yes, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, we've done it a couple times.
Okay.
All right, cool.
The first one.
I was wondering what happened to them.
Okay.
Well, we got another one right here.
All right, cool.
So, anyhow, basically, I think anyone can figure it out.
But if you can't figure it out, here's what it is.
These are things to randomly say in someone's ear just because you walk up
and whisper in their ear this shit.
Okay, first one.
Supersize it.
I like that one.
Yeah, I do too.
Like what?
Supersize what?
I didn't fucking order anything.
What the hell?
What the fuck's wrong with that guy?
Gosh, he smells like your car and fucking nitrate.
Next one.
Dick Sargent or Dick York?
Do you get that one, Rob?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
Dick Sargent and Dick York.
That was an awesome show.
Yeah, yep.
It was the two Darons off of Bewitched.
Yes, it was.
And a lot of people don't even know there were two Darons.
Yeah, there was.
Yeah, one of them was taller.
They looked quite a bit alike.
One of them was taller.
One of them was shorter.
The first one was better looking, I thought.
Which one?
Was that Sargent or York?
Was it York?
I think it was York.
Yeah.
I don't remember.
Yeah, the one with the dark hair.
Hang on.
Let me do the Google here and we'll see.
The old man looking one night.
No.
He already had gray looking hair and shit.
Who was first, Dick Sargent or Dick York on Bewitched?
Dick York.
Yeah, that's the one.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
The next thing to whisper in a stranger's ear?
Nothing but just to fuck him up and throw him off.
Peppers in your omelet?
Yeah, not so much.
Not feeling it?
No, actually I kind of like that.
Yeah, yeah.
Who doesn't like peppers in your omelet?
No, no, because they're going to stop and think.
They're going to go, hmm, do you want peppers in my omelet?
They're going to go, wait, what fucking omelet?
I don't even have one, damn it.
I like that one.
Thanks for making me hungry.
Yeah, I like that.
I think about it.
Next one, I will give you the signal.
And then that's another one.
Oh, that's always the classic.
Yeah.
That's always the classic.
What the hell?
What signal?
Does he think I'm someone else?
What did I walk into?
Oh, shit.
This next one I really love because it makes people think.
You look exactly the same.
I don't recognize them.
Do I know them?
Is that a friend of the family's?
I don't know.
What the hell?
Should I try to talk to them and then try to guess?
And hopefully I say what their name is and I can figure, fill in the blanks or should I just keep walking?
Because there's that element of what if they are like an old family friend or something you don't remember?
And then they realize you don't remember them and you hurt their feelings or whatever.
So sometimes you will go there and you will talk to them without mentioning their name, hoping they give you a couple of clues.
That way you can put it together and then call them by their real name to prove you remembered them.
Right?
Correct. Yeah.
Yeah.
So saying something like that could be a good way to get someone to sweat fucking, to sweat peppers and be like, oh, shit, sweat bullets or whatever.
Next one you could say.
Been way too long.
Where do I know them from?
Did we used to work together?
Did they?
Is that the guy that lived down the road that used to like mow his lawn in the morning?
That opens up all kinds of questions.
Oh, man.
You wouldn't be able to sleep that night if you had so many damn questions.
Shit. I know, I know that guy.
Damn.
And then they start looking familiar.
Where do I know him from?
Yeah. They start looking familiar and you start coming up with scenarios.
Oh, I'm pretty sure he's that guy that lived next to the insurance salesman that used to come up and buy lemonade at this.
And then you come up with shit that actually wasn't at all.
Yeah.
Then the next one.
John Q. Public has spoken.
John Q. Public.
What the fuck?
Who the fuck is John Q. Public?
And why do I care if he's spoken?
So.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Can I make a comment on that?
Yes, please.
I only wish John Q. Public could speak.
Go ahead.
That is why we are doing what we do.
Yes.
It just, we're not going where John Q. Public wants to talk.
We're trying to keep John Q. Public happy.
Yes. Yes.
Keep their mind off the bullshit going on in the world.
Yeah. Yeah. We simply want to be a release and just a happy spot in everybody's life.
We all know all the bullshit going on in the world right now.
We all know how fucked we are.
And we all know this.
So.
Okay. So let's get off that.
Go on.
And then I got a story for you you're going to love.
Okay.
This next one.
It's stashed in your lower left, the huth cap.
What? What? What's stashed?
Oh my God.
Do you think I'm a drug addict?
Front or back?
In your lower left huth cap.
It could be either. Yeah.
Front or back?
That's even worse. That's even worse.
You got to hit both the lefts up.
Lower lefts.
And you know huth caps are a bitch to get back on once you get them off.
Well if you stash something in it when you park it, it's going to settle to the bottom.
Yeah that's true.
So yeah it's going to be at the lower.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's a given. It's just, is it front or back?
So you got to pop both of them.
That's the beauty of it being, that's the beauty of it being worded like this.
Yeah.
It's kind of ambiguous and it's like, lower left?
Oh fuck I don't know.
I guess I've got to peel both left.
And also is it the left when you're looking at the car or the left when you're in the car?
Exactly.
Yeah so you're going to have to take every one of the huth caps off if you are weirded out enough.
Fuck did they still, did they fucking put drugs in there or something?
Am I going to be mule and drop? Fuck it.
Unless you're good at a gambling boat.
Yeah.
Then you can gamble and that's all the dice.
Oh okay I'm going to pick this one.
No not in that one.
But there's nothing in there anyhow so you're going to peel every one of them off and be pissed.
Fucking idiot. There's nothing in here.
That's going to be the fun part.
That's going to be even funner. Yeah.
The next one.
Welcome to our world people.
That's right.
The next one.
Satanic ritual abuse.
Oh my god.
What?
Wow.
That sounds horrible.
Why are you telling me this?
Am I next?
What?
Next one.
Just imagine if the guy you whisper in his ear is a pastor.
Or they start crying.
I was a victim of satanic abuse when I was five.
You guys are coming back for me.
Oh shit.
And then he touched my...
Okay next one.
Curly or Shemp?
Shemp.
Shemp. Yeah.
Shemp was much funnier.
Oh wait a second. No no this was something whispered in people's ears.
Yeah. Oh okay.
Yeah we're not comparing them. Okay.
I like Shemp better. I thought he was funnier.
Although I think that would probably be everybody's.
Everybody would answer that one.
Yeah I know.
If anyone that knows...
If anyone that knows that one they would just answer it.
If you asked the person of the right age they would probably answer.
Because they knew the three students that grew up with them.
Yeah.
And they'd be like oh Curly of course.
You know.
Oh no I thought Shemp was funnier. I love Curly.
Oh I like Shemp too.
But the one I did not like was Curly Joe.
He was not funny.
No. No.
Yeah he was the one after Shemp.
I think Curly had a stroke right.
And he couldn't talk anymore very well.
So he couldn't do the action.
I think so. I think so.
And then neither Shemp died or he got ill too.
I can't remember.
And then they brought in Curly Joe.
And they wanted him to kind of look like Curly the original member right.
So he's kind of this bigger guy with like lesser hair on top.
But Curly Joe was stupid.
He was not funny.
And did you like Curly Joe at all?
No I did not.
No he was no good.
He was anger.
And then after that the show didn't last much longer when they introduced Curly.
No they didn't.
Yeah people were like that guy's stupid.
It's over.
Next one that you can say message me later.
Okay I've done that one and it did not work.
Oh really?
I have not ended up with a date yet.
Oh.
Well let's see.
Maybe you could word it different Rob.
You could be the bully and go when you fucking go home you're going to fucking call this number.
And you're going to ask for Rob and that's fucking me.
No?
I'm not that person man.
I'm too nice of a guy.
Seriously I'm a nicer guy.
Kick her in the shin as hard as you can.
Okay for the 38th special concert I took my neighbor.
Okay.
She's 60 years old.
Nothing's going on we're friends only and that's all it will ever be.
Okay.
But I went to open her door.
And she goes don't you dare do that.
I don't want a nice guy.
Should have hit her in the face.
Who said I was looking?
There you go bitch.
Yeah there's fucking more where that came from.
The spitter face and call it.
Yeah well that's not the type of person I am.
I'm a nice guy.
I'm joking around Rob.
I would not I couldn't do that either.
I'm a gentleman.
I respect my mama.
So I respect every woman.
Absolutely me too.
Until they prove different.
There you go.
Did you ever take your cigarette and put it out on her forehead?
Never I'm not even that cool.
Alright whenever she's like jamming a 38th special.
Not even to my baby's mama's.
When she's jamming a 38th special you take your thumb and just jam it in her asshole as hard as you can.
No?
No.
Okay alright forget it.
Bad advice.
Nobody do that out there.
No I told you.
Me and Earl will never go there.
We're friends only.
Look guys do that to each other's jokes.
Come up and give them a little urk.
And a little jolt and they're like ahhhh.
Why can't you do it to her?
Uh no.
No just go hey you're like one of the guys to me and this is what me and the guys do.
We jam our finger in each other's ass.
Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark.
Stop Mark.
If I told you right now, you would feel like such an asshole.
Uh oh.
Just stop. Never gonna happen.
Is this something you're gonna tell me off air?
Uh, especially when you're talking about what you were just talking about.
You know what?
I'll tell you off air.
Okay, okay. We're gonna do the final one and then we'll head back to you.
Then you'll see the whole picture.
Oh no.
Of the friend zone.
Okay. She had butthole cancer.
No.
No?
Okay.
Yes. Yes.
Yes, that's it. Okay.
Yes, seriously. Seriously.
Oh really?
Yeah. She fought butthole cancer and beat it.
Okay. Forget everything I just said.
Go on. Go on.
Okay. Okay.
Move on.
Alright.
The final one.
Do beans belong?
You're drugging out of me.
You asshole.
Sorry.
Well, Miss Next Door Neighbor, I'm sorry about your asshole.
I hope it gets your name.
She ain't gonna hear it.
Oh, okay.
She doesn't listen to this filth, does she?
No, but she's the one that helped me get our church made.
It was her daughter-in-law that made our church.
Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make fun of your butthole.
Let's just call her Miss X, okay?
Hey, how about this?
Let's just move on.
Okay.
My final one.
Do beans belong in chili?
And that's what everyone will answer.
I think so too.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
It depends on who the hell you talk to.
Some people say no.
I call them idiots.
I'm making a batch tomorrow.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm making a batch tomorrow.
It's chilled weather.
The weather's cooled off. It's time.
Yep. It's great stuff.
All right.
Rob, you said that you had a story.
Yeah. You're gonna love this one.
All righty.
Rob, the floor is hereby yours.
You may have heard about it.
Okay.
You may have heard about it.
This was October 9th.
Okay.
A Missouri man broke this year's Guinness World Record
for the longest journey by pumpkin boat.
Yeah, I did hear it, but go ahead.
I got the...
I actually have the story right here.
It's all thanks to the guys from down here.
Yeah. Yep.
After almost 11 hours out on the Missouri River
in his 1,208-pound pumpkin boat called Huckaberry,
Steve Cooney from Lebanon, Missouri,
which is a half hour from here,
has emerged from his 38-mile journey across the river
cold, tired, and pleased with the result.
He began his long, cold slog at 7.30 a.m. in Kansas City, Kansas,
and arrived in Napoleon, Missouri at 6.18 p.m.
Wow.
Cooney was joined by the Paddle KC Paddling Club
along with a half a dozen boats to make sure
we're doing something very silly, very safely.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, it is. It is.
Yeah, I actually have a story.
A 1,200-pound pumpkin carved in.
He carved it into a boat.
He was asked why...
Didn't get it like a kayak.
He was asked why he did it,
and he said that he read that that was a world record,
and it seemed like it was doable.
He was like, you know, I think I could do that.
So he went and he found the pumpkin,
he hollowed it out, and he did it.
Yeah, like I said, he's from Lebanon.
He was a half hour from here.
That's pretty cool.
That's where I go to get my KFC.
Oh, yeah. Good.
And my Burger King.
Oh, okay. There's a Burger Bitch there, too?
Yeah, that's garbage.
Most Burger Bitches are garbage anymore.
They used to be so good. I don't know what happened.
No, no, for a good...
Actually, the one in Jetson City,
Jetson City, it's pretty good.
It's still pretty good.
It's a lot better than Lebanon, we'll put it that way.
Okay. Yeah, I can believe it.
It's twice the drive, but...
But if you want good Burger Bitch...
That way, it's worth it.
Okay.
All right, well, let's take a little break.
When we come back, I got some of the weirdest
top Halloween costumes of the season.
Does that sound good?
Oh, my God, this sounds good.
Oh, it is.
All right, we'll be right back.
Two Shirley Temples and a bottle of scotch will be right back.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Every sock you wear is slightly rotated.
Just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Hey, your chair produces sound similar to a fart,
but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it
unless it's just the chair.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
All right.
Well, as we mentioned a little bit ago
before the break, we have some of the weirdest
Halloween costumes of the year.
And this is weird costumes that are in demand.
This is, you know, what people are like going,
what the flavor they're looking at this year to go as.
And these are the weirdest ones that are popular,
if you will, of what people are going to be wearing.
So the number one one is this.
This one right here is pretty predictable.
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey, his and her costumes.
Jagged me with a spoon.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm stoked.
Tired of hearing about them.
Yep. Well, it is a it is a costume now.
So, so I believe it.
Yeah, I do, too.
The next one is fucked up.
You got just Google image this stuff that I'm getting ready to tell you
so it can do it justice.
I'll write it down and I'll Google image it later.
OK.
Next one is a botched surgery costume.
And it is fucked because a botched surgery costume.
And it is fucked because I got this all mongoloid fucking
just fucking tore out nasty looking figure.
OK. Hang on.
On that note, I'm going to.
Yeah, I'm going to look that up.
Take a look at that.
I want to get your reaction.
Keep talking.
OK. OK.
So bot surgery is a popular one.
And I love that one.
You out there in podcast listener land.
Look it up. Take the time to look it up.
It's pretty interesting.
This next one is pretty predictable, but also
it's pretty simple because people could make their own if they wanted to,
if they really wanted to.
It's Bud Light, his and hers costume.
So that I mean, the one that they had in the picture was like someone.
What would you say?
Did laser printed it maybe on cloth.
So you look like a giant Bud Light 12 pack, not a can, but a 12 pack.
It looks like a Bud Light 12 pack.
And there is in hers, you know, so anyhow, interesting.
The next one.
I have the bot surgery right here.
What do you think?
Did it?
No, do you know?
It's not that bad.
I wonder if you're looking sexy as hell.
OK, that's not the one I saw.
This one looks like an assembled Frankenstein.
It looked like you took someone's face and cut off their neck
and put someone else's neck on there.
No, this one's got like gauze wrapped around like the front of the head.
Oh, no, no.
Did it back in the day for a Tuesday.
No, if this was female, it would look like Bride of the Frankenstein.
No, no, that's not the same one.
This is some hot little bot.
OK, that's a different botched one.
That's not the one I saw.
This next one's ingenious.
I don't know.
Do you like it?
I like her.
Oh, OK.
All right.
No, this is not what you're talking about.
But when I Googled it, this is what it brought up.
Well, that's probably the most popular image of it.
So OK, that's fine.
The next one is tame.
It's not what you're talking about.
OK, the next one is a dumpster fire costume.
And this is cool because it actually looks like one of those green dumpsters
and it actually has flames coming out of it.
It's a costume that has all of that on it.
It's cool.
It's a dumpster fire costume.
And that is probably that would be my choice if I still went out on Halloween,
would be a dumpster fire costume because I love it.
I mean, every place is worth everybody's work to places and every place
they've worked at has had a dumpster fire, right?
I mean, well, that's what we call them.
When things just go to hell one day and just get all screwed up and beyond repair.
They call man, what a fucking dumpster fire today, right?
Yeah.
So this is that in a costume.
Next one, utility poles costume.
Interesting.
It is interesting because you literally wear a costume that is a utility pole
with a little bit of grass around it and some blue sky.
It gets stupid.
It is stupid, but it gets it done.
The next costume.
Yeah, I think it's good just because it just kind of probably irritates people
are calling what the fuck I'm a utility pole.
And they're like, OK, well, what do you do?
I don't know.
I just stand here and I'd be a utility pole.
And the story you don't even have to talk to anybody.
You're a utility pole, right?
Yeah.
Then this next one is funny because it's so stupid.
And I don't know how they got this ceiling fan costume.
Is this the picture of a ceiling fan on this almost blanket looking thing?
OK.
Rob, I don't make these someone else.
I know.
I know you don't.
All right.
The next one is chicken McNuggets with dipping sauce costume.
It was interesting.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, OK.
I'm imagining this.
You explain it.
I'll tell you how I imagined it.
OK.
One was a McNugget and the next one was a dipping sauce.
It looked like one of those little packets they give you opened.
Two costumes?
Yes.
Most of these are couples costumes.
There's a couple of them that are solo.
OK.
It was couples.
OK.
Some of them.
Here's what I was thinking.
I was thinking McNugget for the adult and the dipping sauce for the child.
You know, that's a great idea.
I was thinking, probably it was all about the kids.
Yeah, yeah.
And I liked the idea of that just because it's so different.
But yeah, it could go as a couple.
Yeah, couples, they would work even better if you think about it.
Yeah, yeah, I agree.
Yeah, so and then the next one to go along with the same theme, sexy Ronald McDonald
for the female.
And it's basically what you think.
It's a Ronald McDonald mask, which is hideous, followed by a very revealing dress, a slip
dress.
It's about as sick as you can get because you know Ronald McDonald, right?
Not sexy, right?
But when it showed it on the chick, the chick looked great.
You know, she's scantily clad and just looked fucking awesome, bursting out at the seams.
But then you look at that fucking Ronald McDonald mask and you're like, it's funny.
It's funny because it it's just it gets you got to see the humor in it, right?
Yeah, I do.
I do.
Yeah.
So the next one, this one's hideous as hell.
But it's funny, the guy they had dressed up in it.
Sexy unicorn guy costume.
It's funny looking.
Let me tell you that, especially for a guy.
Yeah, it's for the guy and the guy they have in it is better have a big old horse dig on
it.
They better sew that thing in.
That's the only way you can get away with wearing it being a guy, right?
Come on, man.
You're out partying and you want to be you want to be a sloth hanging.
Yeah, I would agree with that.
This next one, this next one.
Back in the day.
I agree with you, Rob.
This next one I really love.
And you got to see it and you can look it up if you want.
Before, during and after costume of taking a dump.
It includes one half full roll of toilet paper.
That's the first person.
One big turd.
That's the person in the middle and one empty roll of toilet paper.
That's the third person.
So what is a full roll of toilet paper?
The middle is a giant turd.
And then the third is an empty roll of toilet paper.
Why could they have that costume back then?
When we were growing up.
That could be you and your brother.
Yeah.
Look it up when you get a chance.
This is my favorite one right here.
The next one.
I like this one a lot, too.
This is a dog costume and it's ET in a bike.
You know, extra terrestrial.
For a dog?
Yeah, for a dog.
That'd be cool.
Yep.
The next one.
Eat a weed gummies costume.
Which was stupid as hell because it says that on it.
It's like a little gummy and it says eat a weed.
I didn't like it, but it made the list.
Welcome to Missouri.
There you go.
You know what?
We'll just leave that one right there.
Anyone that likes it.
Yeah, we will.
Next one.
Sexy Rosie the Riveter.
Do you know who Rosie the Riveter is?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
I knew her to everyone out there listening, if you don't know.
I knew her as the Bon Ami chick or the World War II chick.
She has the muscle.
The World War II.
Yeah, she has the shirt rolled up and doing the muscle.
That is her.
It's really cool.
It's like a plaid dress and the sides are rolled up.
And you really get what they're doing because it looks just like Rosie the Riveter's dress.
And it's rolled up to where you can do the muscle and all that.
It's really cool.
And that's good.
So the next one is a Magic 8 Ball costume.
It works.
It's cool.
I mean, I don't know what else.
I mean, it works.
Yeah.
I don't know how it would work.
It's a costume.
You got to flip them around to get your answer.
What are you going to do?
Pick the person up, spin him up?
I don't know.
Twirl him like a balloon in the air.
All I know is this is a Magic 8 Ball with that little triangle thing in the middle.
You shake it and it says you're close.
Yeah, that's all I'm saying.
How are you going to shake it up?
No.
You know what?
Here's what you do.
You get four or five people, depending on how big the guy is, and you shake him up and see if it works.
If it doesn't, you call him a fraud and you get smacked in the balls and crack him with that one.
We would have done it.
We would have tested that one.
Yeah, we would have.
And you say, hey, how come I'm not getting my fortune, you little bastard?
And then we'd smack him in the nuts four or five times and leave him there to work it out, right?
Yeah.
This next one is an abomination, but it's on here.
Kale salad and ranch dressing costume.
What's the next?
OK, surprise flasher.
Moving on.
Moving on from that last atrocity.
Surprise flasher but undergarment looks skin tone but pixelated looking.
You know what?
It's really cool.
You know how like on TV if a flasher runs by and they pixelate out the genitals?
Yeah.
That's what this is.
It's like a gown.
You can see two arms opening up the gown and inside is pixelated skin tone.
That would be cool.
It is cool.
Look it up when you get a chance.
I will.
Then the next one is dog.
This is a doggy one.
Rocky Balboa costume.
With little gym shorts and the half shirt.
And on the shirt it says Rocky.
It's really cool.
This next one I love, you got to see it though, is Price is Right contestant four pack complete with different bids and signs in front of it.
And this is the way this costume works.
You have to walk in unison.
It's one costume for four people.
Each person has a bid underneath them.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Yeah it's cool.
Believe me it's cool.
Oh so all four of you have to walk sideways together.
Yes.
Like you're lined up at the podiums.
Yes.
It's connected.
But you're connected in one.
Wow.
In one costume.
Yeah.
Wow.
That would be cool.
I was going to say that sounds kind of boring.
You just walk around with a name tag on.
Well it's like four signs in front of you.
No it's all four connected.
One sign in front of each contestant and a different bid on all of them.
But the whole costume is sewn together and all four of you have to get in.
Yes.
You have to be careful on how you walk.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Next one is a Boba Tea costume which is cool.
You know it's got the bubbles.
You know the bubble Bobas whatever.
You know the little flavor fucking bubbles.
Do you know what Boba Tea is?
Not really.
Okay Boba Tea has these bubbles.
I drink tea but no.
Okay it's kind of a rage up here.
It's been a rage and it's probably not so much down there at the lake.
You know I mean the lake is talking about Louisiana and Lipton and stuff like that.
Boba Tea is kind of like a I don't know.
Kind of like a younger person and maybe like a Johnson County thing maybe.
I don't know.
Okay I got you.
Okay anyhow the next one and last one is a charcuterie board costume.
And it's cool because it simply has a bunch of meats and cheeses on it.
So it's just a charcuterie board with eyes in it.
You walk around and go hey look at this charcuterie board.
And everyone is like okay cool.
Hey that would make me want to get a date for Halloween.
Oh yeah yeah.
Hey you like my meat?
Yeah.
What do you think of my meat?
Yeah.
You like that meat?
No.
No I'm talking about to have them wear it.
I'll eat it off them.
Oh yeah yeah there you go.
Hey let me tax him a little.
Let's get off that subject.
Okay.
It's been a while.
Rob you said that you had another list.
Yes yes I do.
Well let's fucking hear it.
You know how I've been going on this americansongwriter.com list.
Yes and I love it.
That we've been that both of us have been liking actually.
Yes we have a lot.
I have another one.
Rob the floor is yours.
And this is according to americansongwriter.com.
Alright.
Top 5 one hit wonders that define the 80s.
Okay.
And this time I'm going to go in their order.
Okay.
Number 5 she blinded me with science.
Eddie Grant.
Oh no no.
Oh that's right Thomas Stolby I'm sorry.
Thomas Dolby.
Yes.
Eddie Grant was electric avenue.
Sorry.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Okay.
And he's not on this one.
Well fuck.
Should have been.
Okay.
Should have been but he's not.
Okay anyhow.
Number 4 somebody's watching me by Rockwell.
I always feel like somebody's watching me.
I remember the state land of that song.
That was a great song.
Wasn't that Michael Jackson that guessed it on that.
Wasn't he the one that sang someone's watching me I feel like someone's watching me I thought.
I think.
I think it was.
It doesn't matter anyhow.
Yeah.
Alright.
Number 3.
Yeah.
8 6 7 5 3 0 9.
Jenny.
Yeah that's her number.
Tommy Two Tone.
Yep Jenny and it was actually do you know who the song was written over.
No this article don't tell me.
Jenny from All My Children.
That was her character's name on All My Children.
And I think they killed her off but she was this dark haired beauty that everybody fell
in love with and I forgot her real name.
But the song Tommy Two Tone said was written for her.
Yeah see this article ain't going into that.
Okay.
But no actually here probably four or five years ago.
Uh huh.
He did a concert here in Camden in this small little joint.
I would love to see them.
Yeah me too.
Cool.
One Hill Under.
It's been excellent just to go see it.
Just to hear that song.
Yeah.
Just to hear that song.
Hell yeah.
Oh cool.
And maybe get into some other stuff who knows.
He might have had some other cool stuff I can't remember but anyhow.
Okay number 2.
Yeah.
Take On Me by A-Ha.
That's a good song.
And isn't that that one where they did the uh it was groundbreaking uh video.
Yeah.
It had sketch art turned to life.
I'm sitting here looking at a picture of it.
It had like a sketch girl and him.
Yeah and then they turned to real life.
Yeah it's an amazing video.
Looking through a mirror.
Yeah.
It was a groundbreaking video because of the way they done it.
It was really intricate.
It was um um very complex.
It was a great video.
Yes.
And very imaginative.
Yeah it was an awesome video.
Yeah.
Anyhow.
And number 1 we have Come On Eileen.
Dixie Midnight Runners.
Yep.
That is a good song.
So.
Alright.
Hell yeah.
Now let's go ahead and conclude this podcast and I'm going to talk to you off air for a
minute Rob.
Okay hang on.
Hey where did everybody go?
Where are the douche bags?
Oh my God someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh geez.
What's going on?
Wow.
I'm going to go get a drink.
What?
What's going on?
Hey.
What's going on?
Ugh.
I'm glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man that smells.