Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue
waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
Hey.
Hey podcasting people.
This is Topher.
I've managed to slip away from my minders or handlers or whatever they call themselves.
The Kale people have got me sequestered somewhere.
I'm not sure they move me every couple of days.
Anyway I'm supposed to be working in the greenhouse and I slipped out for a bit so I could try
to do some gorilla recording.
Oh, and the greenhouse, it's not where they grow the kale.
That of course is artificial.
The greenhouse is where the kale people make the food they eat because of course they don't
even eat kale themselves.
Anyways oh, I've learned that they now call themselves Piteka.
Like Pita, only Piteka.
People for the ethical treatment of kale.
And my interrogators have informed me I'm facing 17 counts of crimes against kale.
Apparently I'm denying kale the ability to fulfill its destiny as a kale plant.
That destiny is of course to make you vomit.
But my interrogators say they're looking into a few more counts.
They call themselves interrogators but really they haven't even asked me any questions yet.
But as long as I've got this recording and I can try to sneak it out, I learned some
interesting things.
One that is if you have a Google Pixel phone, your phone may fail to call 911.
This has been a problem since 2021 and still no one can figure out why.
It happens on all carriers all around the globe.
The only common denominator is the Google Pixel phone.
I can attest I had one of those that wouldn't call 911.
Another interesting thing I learned, if you've been on more than one international flight
or, oh hang on a second.
I think one of their drones is overhead.
I can hear a little beeping.
Hang on, we're going to let the drone go by and then I can start again.
If you've been on more than one international flight or three or more long distance flights
to a coast, it's almost 100% certain you've flown with a drug mule.
And that's an interesting thing to think about, you're sharing the plane with a drug mule.
And on the subject of recreational drugs, almost all of recreational drugs are completely
vegan.
Isn't that interesting?
Vegans may be onto something here.
I guess the non-vegan one would be like licking a toad or something like that.
My last thing I've got is, in the country of Vietnam, there are still 35 million unexploded
land mines buried and 500,000 pounds of unexploded ordinance.
That's a lot.
But fortunately they're training rats to sniff out land mines.
So that's not as cool.
It's not so good if it's a dog.
If a dog gets a land mine and it pops, then everyone's sad about the dog.
We got plenty of rats.
I better get back to the greenhouse or they're going to notice I'm gone.
So I'll try to get another recording out when I can.
Keep thinking of me.
Bye.
So I suspect everyone heard the Tofer bit.
Yes, I did.
It was so good to hear his voice.
Yeah, I'm glad he's okay.
But I would like us all to take a moment of silence and pray for Tofer.
He is still being held by the Kale evildoers and we're still concerned, although he's fine.
I mean, you all heard, you know, he's speaking, he's not hurt, he's not harmed, but he did
uncover some things that's very important to know.
They don't eat kale.
They know it's a lie.
They can't stand it.
That's what he's saying.
Yeah.
I knew this all along.
It was a joke that someone was trying to play and people bit.
He was just, he thought that people are going to like throw this shit at him and scream
and tell me he's an idiot and a fuckwad and all this stuff.
But then these fucking man bum wearing little sissies were like, oh my gosh, this stuff
tastes so good.
I want to go hug a tree and eat some kale.
Thank you.
And the creator of kale was like, what?
This is not what I meant.
So then when, you know, then when these brain dead fools come around and start loving kale,
he got out.
He's like, I want nothing to do with this shit.
So anyhow, you know, they're blaming, they're blaming Topher for all their, you know, idiocy.
They're saying that he has crimes against him and stuff, but they've, they've never
presented any type of accusations or any type of charges.
So I'm wondering just what they want to do with, with Topher.
We're all worried.
We're very concerned.
We're glad that he's well and doing okay.
He didn't say he didn't sound in distress.
He sounded okay, but we're hoping we can get Topher back here soon.
So everybody, we want you to stick with us and hashtag Topher strong, hashtag Topher
strong.
Everybody hang in there.
I'm going to make bumper stickers for everybody.
Oh, good.
Good.
So we did it.
After I heard that I got thinking, I hadn't heard from my cousin Henry in a week or two.
So I called my aunt Winnie out West Virginia and she, she told me I was stupid.
Why?
It's bow season for deer.
Oh, okay.
That's probably why he just gave up looking for Topher.
He said he's not going to get a hold of him.
Yeah.
That's why I ain't heard nothing.
And they're moving.
Oh yeah.
They're definitely going to be lost when they get back on the trail.
Well, I don't think Topher told where he's at because I don't think he knows where he's
at, but as soon as he gets his bearings.
He don't know where he's at.
Oh, he did say that.
Okay.
About every two, three days.
Those evil doers are going to get it.
Yep.
They are going to get it.
So anyhow, that was very good to hear from Topher, wasn't it?
Yes, it was.
Hi everybody.
This is Two Douchebags and Microphone.
I am Mark.
And I am Rob.
All right.
So everybody, thanks for joining us.
Coming up on this show, I don't know.
You know what?
I think it will be the show before, but Topher was able to break free from the evil doers
of the kale industry that kidnapped him.
Oh, right on.
Yes.
He has a few minutes where he's speaking to us frankly from his heart.
And I want everyone to listen to it and don't ignore his plea.
He is forced to be around kale and around people that love kale.
Or they say they do, but they don't.
It's actually an evil international plot to get people to eat stuff that no one else likes.
And it's working.
People swear up and down they like kale, but we know it's a lie.
The whole thing is it's been a ruse from day one.
The guy that invented it was joking around and then people started acting like they liked
it.
And he's like, what?
I was just joking around.
No one's supposed to really like this shit.
So the people that even say they like kale, they don't like kale.
They have been, they're sheep.
They've been spoon fed this shit to eat this garbage and the people are laughing at them.
So anyhow, I'm not sure if it's this one.
It could be the one before, but on one of these, maybe, you know what?
I'm going to put them in both.
I'm going to put them in both podcasts.
So it'll be the one before and this one.
So there you go.
All right.
So yeah.
So you want to get on a roll?
I'll do some more stupid shit.
How's that?
But anyhow, having Topher on is not, yeah.
Having Topher on is not stupid shit.
Having Topher on is fantastic because.
Yes, it is.
Yep.
So anyhow, and like I said, if you ever wants to come back and do the podcast, that's fantastic.
Instead of four podcasts, we'll have fucking six or seven.
You guys will never get rid of this.
We'll have to up it to two hours a night.
Yeah.
Hey, you fuckers like that shit.
Just when you thought you.
We'll have all three of us here.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
We'll have our own variety show.
I'm going to like juggle, but you can't tell because it's a podcast.
Right.
Yeah.
So, you know, I could say I'm juggling and we could have like Rob and Topher going, oh
my God, look at that.
Now he's juggling fire and knives.
And you would never know because you can't see me.
But then again, maybe I am.
We actually go live.
Well, yeah, when we do that, then, you know, then I'll probably be like, well, I gave up
juggling.
My doctor told me to.
So anyhow, coming up, we have some ass paddling.
They really need to be delved out.
They're really, really.
I mean, these people have been screaming for ass paddling.
And like I said, we have one a month because that's what the genie granted us.
And so we have to abide by the genie's wishes.
So but these people have been screaming and begging for us to spank their ass, give them
an ass paddling.
So we are doing this.
So should we go ahead and lead off with some ass paddling, Rob?
Yeah, let's do it.
All right.
OK.
The people who don't know the story, I'm very disappointed in you because you haven't been
listening to the podcast long enough.
Topher and I were walking on the beach, not holding hands due to popular belief.
And I don't care what Rob's getting ready to say.
He did not see us holding hands.
I tell you, I seriously doubt that.
Yeah, I do not believe it.
OK.
I'm telling you we're not holding hands.
Rob, they had to say something there.
Because I know you and I would be.
Well, of course.
Well, I'd probably be spooning your ass with my hand or something.
Yeah.
Yeah, that could be two.
So anyhow, anyhow, you got to give us a you got to give us a 38 special report in a little
bit, too.
Oh, I got it.
But anyhow, we'll go ahead.
OK, so we are sorry.
My ADD is really bad tonight.
So I apologize right now.
I'm going to be ping ponging all over the place.
So anyhow, we're walking along the beach and I'm bam stubbed my toe.
I'm like, oh shit.
Oh, fuck, that hurt.
And I look down, it's a bottle.
And me and Topher look at each other.
Wow, that looks like a genie bottle.
So we get the sand away from it.
We open it up.
All of a sudden, a genie comes out.
And me and Topher are like, yeah, we get three wishes.
He goes, no, no, no, no.
That's not the deal, guys.
You get one wish and one wish only.
And that's it.
I'm sorry.
So this one wish, I suggest you use it wisely.
So instead of saving the environment or ending hunger or all World War or famine or whatever,
we chose to ass paddle people.
So I told the genie, me and Topher said, oh, that's great.
We want to be invisible so we can ass paddle people.
The genie rolled his eyes.
He goes, oh shit, a couple of losers.
But you know what I have to do?
What I have to do?
I have to grant them this wish.
So he very reluctantly granted us this wish.
So once a month, we get to paddle people's ass because we're invisible.
One of us has to paddle and one of us holds them down because they can't see us.
So anyhow, without any further ado, first off, the first ass paddling of this month
goes to Congressman Bowman for accidentally pulling the fire alarm.
Did you hear the story on that, Rob?
Yeah, I did.
Yeah, yeah.
He had other plans, according to what I've read.
And he also wanted to make the Republicans look bad by not passing a budget and not shutting
Congress down.
So when they get ready to pass this budget, old dumb ass says he accidentally pulled the
fire alarm, which people have shown.
The fire alarm is way away from where he said he was doing.
He said he was trying to get in the secure area.
Was that it?
He was trying to get in the secure area.
Yeah.
He pulled the wrong whatever, but he accidentally pulled the fire alarm.
We all know that's bullshit.
And we all know that he didn't want to sit there and do the vote.
He probably had fucking dinner plans or some shit and he didn't think they're going to
get anything done.
So he's going to go fuck you guys and leave.
And it didn't work.
So what does dumb ass do?
He pulls the fire alarm and he should get in trouble.
And he should get in the same trouble as the looters and the rioters or not the looters,
but the rioters, the people that or the demonstrators.
No, no, no, there's no such thing as rioters anymore in America.
The demonstrators that did the January 6th demonstration that he has done the same thing.
He is insinuated.
He has instituted chaos in that building and it should be held fully accountable.
And I expect the government to do so, although they won't.
So anyhow, he, um, he gets the number one one and he deserves a number one ass paddling.
So the next one is, um, geez, I, you know what?
I didn't do my research on this guy, so I'm going to leave him off, but he's going to
be on the next ass paddling.
There's a member of the Pentagon that is accused of being in a dog fighting ring, you know,
uh, Michael Vick and he gets an ass paddling too, but I, I had his name written down here
in my phone and I'm sorry, let's take a little bit longer than normal because all of this
is in my phone and I have to get to it and I never did print it out like I thought I
did and I'm a little bit unprepared, so I apologize.
So he gets an ass paddling, but he will wait till next time because I'll have to actually
give you his name.
Next up, Aaron Rodgers for calling Travis Kelsey Mr. Pfizer when he just got done slap
assing with him on the fucking 50 yard line before.
I think that is a bullshit thing to say when you're supposed to be someone's friend and
everybody is titled to their own point of view.
Like I said, I got the vaccination because I take care of my elderly mom.
Anyone that doesn't like it can suck my dick.
I did what I have to fucking do.
You don't have to get the Vax.
I don't care.
I'm not going to mother fuck you, but Aaron Rodgers, you stupid fucker, shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth and obey the fucking man.
Okay?
No, not really.
Just shut your mouth.
So anyhow, like I said, I don't care if you get the Vax or not, but that was very low
life of Aaron Rodgers and I think it speaks to maybe how come his karma went the way it
has, right?
Yeah.
The next ass-paddling goes to TMZ for constantly reporting on Kelsey Swift sightings because
maybe 14 year old girls give a shit.
The rest of us don't.
TMZ, we don't give a fuck if they're going out to dinner.
Leave us alone.
Don't inundate us with this stuff.
They're everywhere.
Why don't you worry about the fucking war going on over in Israel right now?
That's more pertinent.
That's what you should be worried about, not Travis Kelsey and fucking Taylor Swift.
You should be worried about our dollar which is collapsing because they just fucking print
money out of their asshole.
You should be worried about Ukraine and how they're bankrupt in the US and that fucking
little bastard over there in Russia knows it because we're fucking following this shit.
Oh yeah, we gotta go over there and follow them.
Well, why do we?
Anyhow, so before I get off here, I'm going to go ahead and move on.
Yeah, that might be a good idea.
Narcan, for saving Skids lives over and over.
People that want to fucking die because their life isn't worth a shit and they know it and
they're trapped and they're miserable.
Fucking don't give them Narcan.
They want to keep ODing?
Let them go.
Done.
Experiment over.
This one didn't work.
We got 500 other ones that might work.
Leave them the fuck alone.
Let them choke in their vomit.
Fuck it.
They want to give Narcan so they can save them and throw them in jail and make money
on them.
Yeah, you know what, Rob?
You're right.
Yeah, let's put them in jail for profit.
So anyhow, and then Narcan probably saved the Skid that killed the little girl in his
homeless camp.
Did you read that story, Rob?
No, I did not.
Okay.
Before getting too much into it, just Google it if you want to know who gets the ass paddling.
Yeah, the Skid that did that.
Okay, so anyhow, all Bengals fans, and for obvious reasons, I mean Bengals fans could
not shut their fucking mouth.
Nelson, what are you getting from Bengals?
Crickets.
I want to hear it now, one in three, Mr. Fucking nine points in three games.
Let's hear it now.
Come on, beat your chest.
Tell us how good you are.
Next, Chicago and the bullshit signature bonds that has ruined that city.
I mean, the city was already ruined, but these signature bonds, all they fucking do is let
criminals out because they sign their name and leave and then they go do the same fucking
thing.
That fucking idiot that runs that place over there, they said, could it get worse than
Lori Lightfoot?
Now you know.
She was horrible and this guy's worse.
Next ass paddling, Kale for still being there.
And Topher's got something to say about that too.
Next ass paddling, and they got an ass paddling for lying to us, McDonald's, for taking away
the McRib last year and swearing it off.
And McDonald's gets into the hall of fame.
And the reason is because I called it, I can't remember, were you on the show yet or was
Topher still on the show?
You know what, it doesn't matter.
I think you were on the show already.
In any, I called bullshit on McDonald's because I knew, I predicted exactly what was going
to happen.
There's going to be a groundswell, a grassroots effort.
Oh yeah, people are going to come out of the woodwork.
They're going to sign petitions.
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, oh my God.
And that's exactly what happened.
Uh huh, sure.
So the McRib is back, but only for a limited time and only for this time.
You better get in there right now.
You may never see it again.
Bullshit.
Only at selected stores.
Oh yeah, that's true too.
Because wherever there's like little more intelligent people, they probably don't even
pull them out.
Pig assholes ground.
So in my opinion, allegedly Motley Crue gets next ass paddling and they are in the hall
of fame for putting out, this time for a little bit different reason, for putting out horrible
new music that's common and sterile.
Okay, okay.
Other than, Mike Mars, John Carrabbi, John Fyke.
Yes, yeah those three do not get ass paddling.
Thank you, thank you for reminding me.
They're another one of our Hall of Famers.
Yeah.
And I have no, except Mike Mars, John Carrabbi and John Fyke.
Yes, thank you Rob, thank you for identifying that.
Everyone else in Motley Crue is getting ass paddling and they are in the hall of fame,
but the reason they came back around is because this is for a different reason.
This is because they put out horrible new music that's common and sterile.
It's terrible.
I listen to both songs and it's like what?
Stuff is bullshit, man.
It's run of the mill garbage that you hear on any FM outlet anywhere America USA.
And I'm talking about rock radio.
I'm talking about adult, no no no, album oriented rock or album rock or whatever you call it.
You know, hard rock basically.
It's bullshit.
So next one, anyone who opposes Oceanfront Avenue in Miami being renamed Jimmy Buffett
Avenue because they are trying to rename Oceanfront Boulevard, Jimmy Buffett Boulevard and I'm
all for it.
I hope they, yeah, anyone that opposes it gets an ass paddling and then they don't even
get the hall of fame.
They get thrown out on their ass.
We don't want it.
So anyone that opposes this, they get an ass paddling and I'm going to go ahead and make
an exception.
Most ass paddlings are like 15, 20 minutes because we tire, right?
This one we can do several ass paddlings and bring them back and ass paddle them again
when we rest up a little bit.
And then when we're done wearing their, do what?
We can tag team them.
Yeah, yeah, then when we're done tag teaming them or whatever, then we don't want anything
to do with them anymore.
We just fucking, we banish them.
They disappear off of the world, our world.
And then next we have Kevin McCarthy for being the first speaker of the house ever removed.
Yeah.
Yep.
That never happens.
It's never happened ever.
And you talk about a vote of unconfidence removing someone from there.
So anyhow, the next one, every talk show host, late night talk show host that doesn't want
Trump to get speaker of the house because they're being stupid.
That would be the, that material would write itself.
I'm not saying pro con nothing.
What I'm saying is, is any one of these like Jimmy Kimmel or, or, or they're at Colbert
or any of those idiots, those unfunny fucking losers, any of those guys, any of those guys
that bash Trump regularly.
And I'm not saying anything for against Trump, but they're, they write their whole things
off of bashing him.
Everything, their whole diatron is off of bashing him.
I know I've tried to stomach it.
Yeah.
So they're being very disingenuous or they say they don't want this to happen because
they know when their heart of hearts, this would be the best thing for them because they
can't write their own material.
That materials just handed right to them.
Here you go.
Sign sealed and delivered.
So next one, little Joey burrow for grabbing the huge contract and falling on his face.
And he is the last one.
So anyhow, Joey burrow deep.
Okay.
Joey burrow right now is just going to be a one timer, but if he continues to suck all
year and then have a followup suck year, he might go into the hall of fame.
Fair enough.
Alrighty.
Okay.
Let's take us a little break and we're going to come back with some probably very stupid
stuff like always.
A lot of podcasts just come from a can here at two douchebags and a microphone.
We call our own podcasts.
Invisible ass paddling, new douche flavors and horrible pranks.
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All right, everybody.
This is two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark.
I'm Rob.
All right, Rob, you got anything you want to interject?
We're talking about 38 special.
Why don't you give us a...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll get to that.
Get to that.
Okay.
First off, I just want to know one thing.
Did you sing So Caught Up In You, little girl?
You're the one that's got me down on my knees.
So Caught Up In You.
Dude, I sang every song.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Go ahead.
It started out with the Kuwait Pointer band.
Okay.
I'm not...
Good band.
Okay, good.
Okay.
You can check them out on YouTube.
They're country with little rock.
Yeah, it's good music.
Good music.
Okay.
I really enjoyed them.
Well, that's a perfect band for that venue.
I mean, for who's playing or things like that.
Yeah, they were.
They fit in perfect.
Good.
I think the only way that concert could have got better if they would have had Molly Hatchet
to them.
And 30 Naked Women blowing every guy there.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Just had to have that.
And then we came to Marshall Tucker band.
They always put on a great show.
I've seen them quite a few times.
It was awesome.
They have some awesome musicians.
Yeah, they are musician musicians on there.
They're so precise.
Anyhow, go ahead.
The guy that plays their flute and saxophone, he was just rocking having a good time, man.
That's awesome.
They all work.
Aren't you glad they added them late?
I mean, you know, the show was going to be awesome anyhow, because I've always loved
their special.
I never thought they really got their true due.
But I mean, adding Marshall Tucker just made that venue just that much better.
Well, I do have to say this.
Okay.
Marshall Tucker is 72 years old.
And as much as everybody enjoyed the show, you could tell his voice ain't all there anymore.
It's like Ian Gillan.
It's like Ian Gillan of Deep Purple.
I've seen Deep Purple probably three times in the last four years.
And he kept walking off to the side, like he was catching his breath.
But it was still a great concert.
It was an awesome night.
I'm just very happy they're still doing it.
Other than, by the time we left, it was down to like 45 degrees.
That's right.
It was colder than shit last year.
I had two pairs of socks on.
My toes were still going numb.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
The wind was just blowing right through there perfectly.
Oh, man.
That does suck.
I had a great time, but it sucked.
I only got 38 special.
It sounded awesome.
Sounded just like they did back in the day.
Good.
I kind of expected that.
I really did expect that.
Yeah.
And I'll tell you what.
They're guitarists.
He's very underrated.
He went in that skinnered mold, you know what I mean, where they had these old jams.
Anyhow, go ahead.
Do you realize who he is?
The guitarist they have now?
No.
No, I don't.
I don't know what the current lineup is.
Okay.
Let's go back to the heavy metal soundtrack.
Uh-huh.
Don Felder?
Do you remember the song Radar Rider by Riggs?
And there was also another song by Riggs on that album, Heartbeat.
Okay.
His name is Jerry Riggs.
Okay.
And Don Felder is back with the Eagles anyhow, isn't he?
Yeah.
He wouldn't be in 38 Special.
He'd make more money.
Jerry Riggs is the guitar player.
Jerry Riggs.
I'll have to look him up because it's not really striking a bell.
But you know what?
It sounds like, anyhow, I'll look him up later.
Yeah.
Heavy metal came out in 81.
After heavy metal, he joined Pat Travers in 83.
Okay.
Now you're speaking my language there.
Okay.
I love the heavy metal soundtrack.
It was fantastic.
Don Felder and Sammy Hagar and, man, there's so many songs on there.
But anyhow, okay.
Yeah.
Pat Travers.
He left Pat Travers in 93.
And he joined 38 Special in 2000.
Okay.
But he was not Pat Travers' original guitarist, was he?
No.
But he joined in 83.
Okay.
That's going to help me identify him because I think I know who you're talking about now.
And he's really good.
Okay.
He joined in 83 to 93, 10 years.
Yes.
He actually, he put out a couple of albums with him.
He was awesome.
He's a very good guitar player.
Okay.
Cool.
Oh, by the way, Topher's guitar playing has improved immensely.
He was playing Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd and doing the note bending like David
Gilmore.
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
It was very good.
So, anyhow.
So, okay.
Anything else you want to add to that or are you good with that?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I would.
Go ahead.
Give me a bandana to add to my wall in my studio.
Cool.
Did you go in the loin cloth like you agreed to?
No, dude.
I told you.
It got down to 45.
Oh, okay.
No loin cloth.
But he was wearing the two deuce bags and microphone podcast.
I was wearing the two deuce bags and a microphone t-shirt.
Sorry, guys.
No loin cloth.
I know everybody was waiting for it.
And also, along that note, where is Rob Rad's fucking male junk pictures?
It has dropped off to nothing.
The poor man is left holding his fucking dick.
I've got three and I'm about ready to just call it.
I don't know.
You know.
I mean, is that it?
Does it end at three?
Is that all Rob Rad is worth?
Three picks?
Let's go over the week.
Okay.
We'll give you guys one more fucking week and then Rob Rad is picking his winner and
it's over.
Okay?
You want an ultimatum, that's it.
Show him your junk or get out.
Right?
We're not going to take any hanger-ons after that.
You either show Rob your shit or you're gone.
So.
Yeah.
I mean, we really had much to talk about on that subject.
Yeah.
Actually, I haven't been pimping it.
I haven't got that promo.
I haven't even inserted in a while.
So you know what?
I need to start putting the promo in there and I need to start pimping it more.
So you guys have been told that should be enough.
Anyhow.
You ever heard about Wally the emotional support alligator, Rob?
No, I haven't.
Okay.
This sounds good.
Well, allow me.
I might need to get one.
Well, allow me to introduce you to Wally the emotional support alligator.
Wally, the emotional support alligator went to see.
I'm sorry about my dog's barking, but there's nothing I can do about there in the other
room so I can't kick the shit out of him.
No, I wouldn't anyhow.
So anyhow, let's see.
Wally the emotional support alligator went to go see the Phillies game, but then it went
viral.
An emotional support alligator walks into a ballpark and was asked to leave.
That's the story that made headlines in recent days.
Next to viral photos and videos showing Wally, a six foot long, 55 pound alligator wearing
a harness and leash.
And his human companion outside Citizens Bank Park during a Phillies game on Wednesday night.
But it's not the whole truth, owner Joey Henney told NPR.
We were not there to see the game, but to meet the players.
What we went up there for is just to see the players.
I was invited.
We didn't just show up.
To understand the backstory, you need to know, as Wally's Marietta's social, local admirers
and online fans do, just how beloved this eight year old alligator is already.
Wally has more than 114,000 followers on TikTok and another 27,000 on Instagram.
He's gone viral before, including splashing around in a fountain at Phillies famous love
park.
He posed for the mayor before and plus many other high profile people.
He is world famous.
After hearing about the alligator's extreme love and popularity, the team invited him
to go meet the players.
Joey told reporters that he was refused and he was told that there were only service animals
allowed, no exceptions.
He said he wouldn't show up without the animal unannounced.
Joey also said that the players want him to come back, so he will check and try to figure
out a time later on.
The backlash for being refused was enormous, so we hope the staff will not blow the next
meeting.
The team is still waiting to meet Wally.
So the team wanted to meet Wally, the emotional support alligator or whatever he is, and it
sounds to me like no one communicated with the front office that this guy with this alligator
was going to show up.
So anyhow.
I'm telling you, I want one.
Me too.
That sounds fucking fantastic.
I bet my big one will get along great with an alligator.
Yeah, yeah, I think so too.
They'd be best buddies.
Yeah, hell yeah.
No, man, I'd love to have a pet alligator because you know what that also means?
If someone fucks with you, you have a pet alligator.
They don't.
Right?
Exactly.
Yeah.
I could use one of them right now.
Oh, you could.
You have a ranch you need to get to, Rob.
Yes, I do, which is going to lead me into a promotion.
Okay.
Rob, Rob.
You don't mind me taking the floor for a little bit?
Go ahead and take the floor.
Okay.
Here about two, three weeks ago, I know I talked to you about it.
I don't remember if I covered it on the podcast or not.
One evening after we got done with the podcast, I stepped outside for my final cigarette and
let my dog out to run for the last time.
He's a little beagle.
He's a small beagle.
He don't hurt nobody.
Everybody loves him.
Well, there happens to be this big black and brown German shepherd in this complex.
Well, about 45 seconds later, it ran by me down into the woods where the boss was.
I heard boss make this weird sound like I've never heard him make that sound.
I got up and I headed that way and I went to enter the woods.
I get about 10 foot in and this German shepherd just darts past me.
I stopped and turned and just as I stopped and turned, it stopped and turned and it started
growling.
I'm getting a little concerned because all I have behind me is the woods.
He's got the clearing back behind him.
Well, it finally turned around and took off.
I stewed about it because that's a pretty big aggressive dog.
It's a three foot.
A couple days later, I had boss on the leash and I was walking.
I ran into the owner out here at the dumpster and I started having words with him.
I started telling him, hey man, you've got to keep that dog on a leash.
I think that's a reasonable request.
It's an aggressive dog.
At least it turned on me.
I said, my dog is a foot and a half tall, which honestly it was kind of funny.
I come back in the house, he's one foot eight inches.
He goes, oh man, you're going to come to me like that.
I said, I'll tell you what buddy, your dog comes at me, I'm coming at you.
This last Thursday night, I walked up to the grocery store, five minute walk.
Gives me time to smoke a cigarette, get what I need, come back.
I am on the city sidewalk.
I haven't even turned down the street to come into our apartment yet.
I'm coming up, it's clearing to where I go up to that street and turn, but there's a
grass area that has dropped down in there a little bit.
I'm walking up and I see that dog running freely in that grass area as I'm coming across
this park.
I'm like, okay, here we go.
I kind of slow down.
I move all my bags over to one hand, keep one hand free.
You know what I mean?
This is what I do.
I slowly start walking, keep moseying that way and all of a sudden that thing spots me.
Thank God there's a dip down off the sidewalk, the grass area dips down and then plateaus
out flat.
Thank God he was down below.
That would have gave me time to do whatever I needed to do.
It just started barking and flipping out on me.
There's cars driving by.
I get up close to my street and I could see there's no way that dog was going to let me
turn down that street.
I look down the street and this gentleman that I'm getting rid of, I'm going to promote
the thing he's got going on here.
Okay.
Well, he happened to be standing out in the street.
I'd say maybe an eighth, not even an eighth mile and I could see him standing out there
and it looked like he was looking towards me.
I just kept having my hand raised and the hair just pointing down.
The next thing I know, he walks off and here come three police cars whipping in.
I was like, thank you Jesus.
I thought this dog was going to eat me.
I should have did it.
Wow.
Dude.
They jump out and they went after the dog at the same time and the owner's neighbor
was coming up from the apartment yelling for it, trying to get it back.
None of the cops said a word to me.
I don't know what was going on.
But anyway, the guy, he owns Fearstone Fort.
I talk about the haunted forest right here by my apartment complex.
He actually jumped in his car and drove down to pick me up.
When he disappeared, that's what he was doing.
Now who called the police?
I don't have a clue.
But I hope this little son of a bitch knows this.
Canyon County police are not nice to aggressive dogs.
They are known to pull their guns.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, if they're a dangerous animal, then yeah.
They're big, bad ass German shepherds.
Wow.
Okay.
Did you want to go over?
Okay.
I want to talk about Fearstone Forest.
Yes.
What it is, it's a haunted forest, like a haunted house.
There's the owner, his wife, his son and his daughter.
They have pretty much built this thing with their own hands.
Wow.
They had very little help.
It's up and running.
It's running right now.
Do they have an internet presence?
Yes.
FearstoneForest.com.
There you go, everybody go look at this.
It sounds like a great thing.
It sounds like a great guy and his family.
Oh, this guy?
He is in the Halloween man.
You can also check out Monsters Alive.
Monsters Alive, okay.
Yeah, I believe it's monstersalive.com.
I know there is a Monsters Alive Facebook page.
They also own a really good size hawn house,
a well known hawn house down here, Zombie Wasteland.
Okay, cool.
And they are located at 85 Benny Boulevard
in Camdenton, Missouri.
There you go guys.
Anyone that can make it there, go check it out.
And I also have their schedule for this month.
Okay, go ahead.
They're open tonight, right now, from seven to 12.
They're open next Friday and Saturday from seven to 12,
but Friday is a special night and I will come back to that.
Okay.
Next Friday night is a special announcement.
Okay.
They're open October 20th and 21st from seven to 12,
October 27th and 28th and 29th from seven to 12.
And all those dates are NEH.
This is kid friendly.
I have two grandkids working in it right now
over scaring the crap out of people.
Having a great time.
Cool.
My 12 year old granddaughter and my seven year old grandson.
Okay.
So, you know.
Okay, there we go.
All the help are volunteers.
All right.
All the help are volunteers.
There we go, go check this guy out guys.
Now here, Friday, October 13th is a special night.
Is a special night, it is adult only night.
Okay.
And this is the official announcement on this.
I talked to him earlier this afternoon,
told him I was gonna pimp him on the show tonight.
Okay, cool.
And he gave me a special announcement.
If you show up Friday, October 13th, you have the opportunity
to play in a movie, dress up and play in a movie
that is being filmed that night.
Oh cool.
Good.
Everybody.
This was a quick conversation.
I did not get specifics.
I will speak with him again.
I see him pretty much every day.
And get specifics on how we can watch this movie
and what's gonna go along with it.
Okay, sounds good Rob.
Thank you.
Alrighty.
You're welcome.
Okay, that sounds great.
Everybody go check him out.
We'll be right back after this.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Don't be ashamed of who you are.
That's your parents job.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Okay, so a donut is a fried dough ball
with a glazed sugar topping.
A beignet is a fried dough ball
with a glazed sugar topping.
Wouldn't that be the same thing?
Hmm.
I may never know.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
The Mark Zuckerberg comedy hour
has been recorded by the hero, Susan.
["The Mark Zuckerberg Comedy Hour"]
Hey, I'm Rob.
All right, we just had a little hiatus there.
I had a very friendly raccoon
that would not leave my porch
because my dogs would not shut up.
And when I went out there,
he thought it was play time
instead of get off the fucking porch time.
Only me, only me.
I'm like, get out of here.
I got a podcast to do, come on.
And he's like,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, look, look,
I'm cute, I'm beautiful.
Look, pet me.
So anyhow, do you, you know, Rob,
you, every day is like a national day.
Like, you know, they have national taco day,
national left-hander day, right, okay.
So right now, as I speak,
and I wrote this the other day,
today is national coaches day.
This is a couple of days ago,
World College Radio Day,
National Orange Wine Day,
and National Body Language Day.
Tomorrow, as in yesterday,
will be National Sober Day,
National Day of Encouragement,
and Patriot Day.
Okay.
Now, you know how people get national days?
You know how national days are originated?
I mean, because everyone talks about these
on talk shows, radio, and all that,
but everything's a national day of some sort.
Usually sharing the bill with like
three or four other days, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Here is how you get a national day.
Go to nationaldaycalendar.com,
check register a national day,
read the instructions for submission,
remember you can't create a day for someone specific,
and write a compelling story about
why your organization's day should be chosen
and how you might celebrate that day if it gets chosen.
So that's the only guidelines.
And I don't know who this panel is.
It doesn't go into that.
I could not find it.
I checked all over.
It doesn't say who this panel is.
I don't even know if it's governmental.
I think it would be, but I don't know.
But anyhow, somehow this panel that magically appears
judges whether you should get that national day or not,
or whoever does,
according to what it is, why,
and how you will celebrate when you get this day.
So isn't that weird?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so as everything that I just said,
here's what I got.
I would like to encourage everyone using the next guidelines
to get a national day to submit national
smack an idiot really hard in the face day.
Doesn't that sound good?
Oh, I'm in.
Me too.
Also.
I'll second that.
I mean, just smack him in the fucking face
as hard as you can day.
We can like tweak it a little bit if we have to,
but I think we're getting the idea across.
Okay, here comes idiot.
Oh, hey, idiot, bam.
You know, job done.
You feel better?
They hurt, they're lying on the ground, bleeding, crying.
Yeah, they have to meet certain idiot criteria.
Yes, yeah, we can't just let people go.
You can't walk up to anybody on the street
and just smack them.
Yeah, yeah.
When we submit this.
They look like an idiot.
When this is submitted, we want it to be worded right,
so we'll figure it out and we want it to stick.
So that way people can't go, hey, I don't like that guy,
so I'm gonna smack him because of national smack an idiot day.
They have to be a proven idiot somehow.
So I think we need that day.
I think it's long overdue.
So everybody, you know, douchebag B at hotmail,
66 at hotmail.com.
Oh no, not douchebag.
I'm sorry, I keep fucking it up too.
Douche, doucheB66 at yahoo.com.
DoucheB66 at yahoo.com.
Help us formulate this formula
for smack an idiot really hard day.
It really needs to happen.
It's been coming for a long time.
So come on guys, let's pull together.
Let's get this thing through whatever these hoops
and let's do it.
And then we can explicitly explain
how we're gonna slap the idiot and why and how hard.
So there you go.
And while you're doing that,
I also would like for you to please remember
to submit national two douchebags and microphone day as well
because we're gonna be subjected to being slapped all day.
Might as well get a day for both of us to do it.
Yeah, right.
People are gonna be like,
yeah, here's these two idiots to do that horrible podcast.
I'm gonna smack them in the face as hard as I can.
And you know, if we're gonna,
I mean, we might as well double bill it, right?
It'll be national two douchebags and a microphone day.
And it'll also be everybody slapping us
in the fucking face day.
So there you go, peoples.
What, while you're talking about the email,
has anybody answered my question
about whether they wanna hear reports about wrestling?
Hang on.
I actually haven't looked at the email
and I'm afraid to hang on.
Let me look here.
Get back with me tomorrow on that.
Get back with me tomorrow.
I will.
Oh, there's a few email.
Oh shit, there's,
there's eight emails.
I'm sure some of them are about that.
Get back with me tomorrow on that.
I will.
What I'll do is I'll jot them down, the name and everything.
Yeah, yeah.
Cause I get a lot of them on my notifications
about current WWE and AEW,
which I grew up watching wrestling.
You know, I mean, I don't have to watch it every week, but.
Look, you're making a big mistake, Rob.
I do play for T-TOP Fuss.
So I go watch the WWE tape reviews.
Rob, it's not wrestling, it's rasslin'.
Rasslin'.
Good point, good point.
Okay.
All right, now that we've got that cleared up,
it's rasslin'.
And if you don't know what rasslin' means,
turn the segment off.
You don't deserve it.
So, anyhow, Brad Rob is gonna speak rasslin' to you guys
if you guys clamor for it enough.
And that's where DoucheB66 at yahoo.com comes in.
So voice your opinion, let us know.
That is the correct email.
I'm sure people send them to all other fucking places
and they're like, what the hell?
So.
We got a new version of Babble Snatch.
Yeah.
Yeah, we could have some fun.
Yeah, we could.
Yeah, so please write us, let us know.
I got another little article here.
I don't think if you think about it, Rob,
that it's gonna be too big of a surprise, okay?
You know younger people, right?
And you see their habits, okay?
All right.
According to the CEO of Molson Coors,
Gen Z is not into beer.
Thanks to an epic collapse in demand for Bud Light,
Molson Coors cleaned up this summer
when it came to expanding tap handlers
and bars and shelf space in stores.
But it's the world's fourth biggest brewer wants to
grow both sales and earnings for a third concept
of the year in 2024.
It needs to respond quickly to a shift in taste
among young drinkers and look beyond
its conventional portfolio led by Coors Light
and Miller Light.
According to Molson Coors, Gen Z legal drinking age
consumers or LADCs as management calls them
are consuming 20% less alcohol than millennials did
and when they were at the same age,
a full 30% of Gen Z cohort don't drink alcohol at all.
The company's research shows.
That plays right into the overall strategy
where we're moving beyond beer.
We're moving into non-alcoholic products,
whether these are energy drinks or whatever,
whatever they are, they're non-alcoholic beers
or energy drinks.
CEO Gavin Hattersley told CNBC's Mad Money
host Jim Cramer on Wednesday.
The interview came up after this week's investor day
where Hattersley's executive team unveiled their plans
to defend their market share gains
in light of premium beers that compromise
a bulk of its business while pushing
into new product categories.
The non-alcoholic beer company today compromises
less than 1% of the market, but it is expanding
at a double digit rate to better capture that growth.
Molson Coors is launching new alcoholic free versions
of Kraft Belgian White style brand of wheat beer
and Blue Moon.
One of our biggest innovators,
which I think is gonna be a big deal for us,
is to launch Blue Moon non-alcoholics,
which we're bringing in December,
just in time for dry January, Hattersley told Cramer.
Molson Coors is also expanding its partnership
with Coca-Cola company to include a new piece
hard tea brand in addition to their spiked versions
of the latter's Simply line of juices.
The brewer is also aiming to reach Gen Z consumers
who drink alcohol with his Vizzi hard silzer.
I didn't know they owned Vizzi too, wow.
But one key pillar is his strategy involves further
to develop the line of zero sugar energy drinks like ZOA,
which is co-founded by Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
I didn't know ZOA, Z-O-A, that zero calorie energy drink,
zero sugar is owned by The Rock, Dwayne Johnson.
In September, yeah, there you go.
Hey, that went right into Rasslin' News, didn't it?
Yeah, it did, yeah it did.
Oh, he's all over the news.
Oh, I know.
He's calling Kaepernick a job.
What'd he offer him for?
Oh no, to play in the CFL.
Oh, he owns the team?
Yeah.
Oh, well, Dwayne The Rock Johnson
is a very intelligent businessman
and also just a very intelligent person.
It's fun to watch him and to see him
and to see what he's doing
because he's not just some roided out jock
and I'm not saying he's on roids ever.
I'm just saying he's a very intelligent businessman
and I respect him a lot.
Yes, he is.
So anyhow, Molson-Kurst struck a deal with Johnson
for a minority stake and remained the line's
executive distribution partner
while gaining a seat on its board
to help Molson-Kurst better understand
the tastes of younger consumer group
and what types of beverages it might appeal to them.
Its management has developed what they call
a legal age Gen Z culture panel.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry, I can't help
but back when SNL was good,
that would've been a great Saturday Night Live skit, right?
Yeah, it would've, yeah it would've.
Yeah, if we want to build what they want,
we need to know what makes them tick.
Chief Commercial Officer Michelle St. Jaquis
told investors on Tuesday,
according to Gallup's Lydia Saad,
young consumers deem, you know what,
fuck the rest of this.
You got the point.
Hey, hey, hey, I just had one question
out of that whole article.
Okay, what is it?
Sorry guys.
Was white, was white crawl on the non-alcoholic list?
You know what, I don't know.
I didn't see it, no, it was not on there.
Here, hang on, let me look here.
Let me look at the rest of the article.
Oh no, no, no, no.
Hang on.
No, nope, it was not on there.
What, why was it on there?
Damn it.
Well, you know what, okay, hey Rob.
I was hoping somebody would have finally
answered that question.
Rob, give it time, give it time.
And Rob, do you have anything you want to go into?
Yeah, I got a little Lake Area news here.
All right, we always love Lake Area news.
And here comes KRMS radio.
As the city of Osage Beach continues looking forward
to new developments which are currently underway,
namely the Lakeport Entertainment District
and the Preserve at Sycamore Creek Residential Community,
there's also been some talk about the possibility
of a pedestrian bridge spanning the length
of the Grand Glades Bridge.
However, according to Mayor Michael Hodgson
speaking this week on KRMS radio and TV,
the concept has run into a major roadblock.
Okay.
I was notified Friday by MoDOT that the bridge,
the current Grand Glades Bridge will not support
a walking pedestrian bridge attached.
It would need to be at least 12 feet
and it's just not capable.
So this is-
Hodgson also says there's a possible Plan B
in the way of a freestanding pedestrian bridge
which will be much more expensive.
Pedestrian bridges are the cool thing now.
That is like the hip daddy thing.
Like I was saying in Louisville,
they have a cool pedestrian bridge
that connects Louisville to Jeffersonville, Indiana.
Omaha has the, Fred the Talking Bridge is what they call it.
You go up there and push a button
and it tells you about itself.
And in the middle of the Missouri River
separates Iowa and Nebraska
and they have the point there in the middle of the river
and they have a little circle there.
You can sit down and go,
hey, I'm both in Iowa and Nebraska right now.
Look, my left is right, my, you know, and do that.
And Kansas City is doing the Rock Island Bridge
which is gonna be a green space, nature trails, bars,
restaurants, nightclubs, coffee shops, knickknack stuff,
t-shirt stores and all this all on the bridge.
It's an old steel truss bridge.
This is the thing that is-
It's an old railway bridge.
Yeah, it's an old truss railway bridge.
Yes.
Well, down here, Rock Island is a big deal.
Oh, the railway.
A lot of people may think
there's a Rock Island scrap yard.
Yeah.
It's about the rail yard.
Okay.
So yeah, it came down through here too.
Okay, I even hear they're gonna build
another Rock Island Bridge in Montrose.
No, no, no.
I'm joking around.
You know how we're teasing around about Montrose,
the epicenter of Bates, or no, Henry County,
the junk yard and the power plant.
I heard they're gonna build a pedestrian bridge
to the boilers.
Okay, yeah.
Okay, anyhow.
And also in Kansas City, they're also working on-
I want the taros.
Okay.
They're also working on a pedestrian bridge
going over the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River,
going over that- Oh, beautiful.
From North Kansas City, which is its own city,
to Kansas City Mo Proper.
And that's gonna be a great thing
because now people can get across.
People go to the city market,
they can go, if you're familiar with Kansas City,
they go to Richard Berkeley Park.
And they can do this from North Kansas City, Missouri.
They're also gonna expand the streetcar over the river
to North Kansas City, Missouri.
And also the new Royals, Cochman Stadium,
whatever it's gonna be called,
they're thinking they might put on the north side
of the river in North Kansas City, Missouri,
with an open air ballpark that faces the skyline
and the river and the bluffs of Kansas City, Missouri.
And that would be perfect because, like I said,
these pedestrian bridges, people love them.
I mean, they're great.
So anyhow, that's a great thing,
but I wanna get one thing clear, Rob.
Okay, this is gonna be over Lake of the Ozarks,
Niagara Arm, right?
Yeah, yeah.
It's the bridge as you're going down, 54 through O.C.
Yeah, 54, yes.
And that's where the resorts are over there on the right.
If you're going towards, if you're going towards Camp Dade.
Yeah, there's a bunch of condos.
Yes, okay.
It's where they pretty much divided
the east side of the lake and the west side of the lake.
Yes, okay, I did that for my own
because I'm familiar with the area.
I've been there quite a bit.
And I just wanna make sure I get what you're talking about.
Yes, right in the heart of O.C.
You see, that's a brilliant idea.
And then they can put businesses on each side,
shops, all that.
I mean, it makes optimal amount of sense.
It brings in businesses, commerce, and interest.
So yeah, good.
Already businesses and a lot of people,
you know, nice, well, a lot of people walk.
It'd be a great walk, it's beautiful.
And people walk for exercise.
That is the best.
Yeah, it'd be nice to have a pedestrian sidewalk.
That is the best, that is the prettiest part
of Lake of Ozarks, I think, anyhow.
The waters and everything.
So, I mean, I think it makes a lot of sense.
So, okay.
Thank you, Rob.
That was a really good report.
We'll see where it goes.
I mean, you never know.
It may take 20 years, but we'll see.
I don't think it's gonna take 20 years
because right now is when these,
this is when the pedestrian bridges are hot.
People love them and they're building them everywhere.
So, I think it's gonna happen here soon.
They need to take advantage of it.
They need to find the funds.
They could probably even get federal funds
because it's in the interest of people
being able to commute to one side of the lake,
to the other, without having to have a boat
or without having to, you know what I mean?
So, anyhow, well, I've got a little story here
before we go ahead and cap off this fine edition
of Two Douchebags and Microphone.
Are you ready for it, Rob?
Let's do it.
All right.
Well, a woman was wanting to make some jewelry,
but it didn't go out as planned.
Federal customs agents poo-pooed the plans
of an Iowa woman who wanted to make jewelry
from giraffe feces.
That's right, giraffe shit.
She picked up on a trip. Oh my God.
She picked up a trip, on a trip to Kenya
and brought back to the US in her luggage.
So all her clothes and everything
was rolling around with this camel shit.
The woman declared the small box of feces
when she was selected to have her belongings
inspected upon arriving in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport
on September 29th, according to a US customs
and border protection official.
The woman who was not identified told officials
she planned to use the waste to make a necklace
as she had done in the past with moose shit.
So have that little slice of crazy
to tide you guys over till the next podcast,
which will be tomorrow night.
Mark, I do not think you could have finished
this segment any other way.
Yes.
Talking about shit.
You're welcome, America.
You're welcome.
Rob, I think we're going to say goodbye.
Bye everybody.
Good night everybody.
Love you guys.
Thanks for listening.
Talk to you tomorrow night.
National Slapping Idiot Day.
Everybody watch out, it's coming.
Hey, where did they go?
Where are the douche bags?
Hmm.
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.