Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue
waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You look like you smell like cheese.
We are Two Douchebags and Microphone.
As charming as a leaky sewer pipe.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
So let me see.
Let's say I was offended by people being offended.
Then would people being offended all the time would have to not be offended around me because
I was offended by them being offended?
Hmm.
I may never know.
Hey podcasting people.
This is Topher.
I've managed to slip away from my minders or handlers or whatever they call themselves.
The Kale people have got me sequestered somewhere.
I'm not sure they move me every couple of days.
But anyway, I'm supposed to be working in the greenhouse and I slipped out for a bit
so I could try to do some guerrilla recording.
Oh, and the greenhouse, it's not where they grow the kale.
That of course is artificial.
The greenhouse is where the kale people make the food they eat.
Because of course they don't even eat kale themselves.
Anyways.
Oh, I've learned that they now call themselves Pitek.
Like Pita, only Pitek.
People for the ethical treatment of kale.
And my interrogators have informed me I'm facing 17 counts of crimes against kale.
Apparently I'm denying kale the ability to fulfill its destiny as a kale plant.
That destiny is of course to make you vomit.
But my interrogators say they're looking into a few more counts.
They call themselves interrogators but really they haven't even asked me any questions yet.
But as long as I've got this recording and I can try to sneak it out, I learned some
interesting things.
One that is, if you have a Google Pixel phone, your phone may fail to call 911.
This has been a problem since 2021 and still no one can figure out why.
It happens on all carriers all around the globe.
The only common denominator is the Google Pixel phone.
I can attest I had one of those that wouldn't call 911.
Another interesting thing I learned.
If you've been on more than one international flight, or hang on a second.
If you've been on more than one international flight, or three or more long distance flights
to a coast, it's almost 100% certain you've flown with a drug mule.
Isn't that an interesting thing to think about?
You're sharing the plane with a drug mule.
And on the subject of recreational drugs, almost all of recreational drugs are completely
vegan.
Isn't that interesting?
The vegans may be onto something here.
I guess the non-vegan one would be like licking a toad or something like that.
My last thing I've got is, in the country of Vietnam, there are still 35 million unexploded
land mines buried and 500,000 pounds of unexploded ordinance.
That's a lot.
But fortunately they're training rats to sniff out land mines.
So that's nice, that's kind of cool.
It's not so good if it's a dog.
If a dog gets a land mine and it pops, then everyone's sad about the dog.
We've got plenty of rats.
I better get back to the greenhouse or they're going to notice I'm gone.
So I'll try to get another recording out when I can.
And keep thinking of me.
No worries dad, bye.
I'm Mark. And I'm Rob Redd. Okay, here real quick. Welcome to the show because we're probably
gonna break this up. You killed me Mark. You killed me. What is that? What'd I do? You just totally threw me off.
I thought we were talking off the air, we were talking on air. Oh, we are talking on air now.
No, well, no, just before that last break. Oh, oh no, no, no, we were on air. I thought we were on break. No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's cool. Okay, everybody, they're going to email us and let us know. But real quick, I was gonna tell the mad shitter story in honor of Moffett working in Clinton, Missouri at the bank.
Yeah, because I am not. Yeah, I love that story. Only you could pull that off.
Yeah, well, okay. A lot of newer listeners because you see RSS and we have a lot of new listeners all over and thank you very much.
So the show's growing pretty rapidly. We're really happy about that. Keep listening, please. Spread the news, tell your friends.
Do you like my friend up there in Manhattan or not Manhattan, Kansas, but Lincoln, Nebraska. Turn it on in a business. Let everybody listen to it.
Let everybody know about it. Thank you. Awareness is our key. Let people know that we're here and all that.
So a lot of the newer people may not have heard my Clinton, Missouri mad shitter story. I am the mad shitter of Clinton, Missouri.
So this is how it all began. You truly are. Yes, I am. This is how it all began. The truth comes out. Yes.
And this is 94, 95, okay. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. So anyhow, I had to wear a CPAP.
So I went in, had the surgery to cure it. And then I had the CPAP until I went back until after I was well enough to, you know, to for them to do the test to find out if I had it or not anymore.
So when they called me with the test results, they said, well, all right, congratulations. The surgery was a success. You no longer need to use your CPAP machine.
Yeah, I'm like, oh, great. Okay, cool. So right after that, Apria Healthcare calls me. Hey, we're going to need our machine back.
Okay. All right. I'll get it to you. I don't know. I think I'm off Friday. I'll get it to you Friday. No, no. Well, here's the deal. Since you no longer have sleep apnea, your insurance called us up and said they're not paying for it anymore. We need it back tonight.
Fuck. Okay, so I grabbed the machine. I'm like, all right, where's it at Kansas City? Oh, no, no, no, no. You live out in Cleveland, Missouri, which isn't that far from Kansas City. It's a lot closer to Kansas City than Clinton.
And they go, no, the office you would be taking that to is Clinton, Missouri. I'm like, what? It's like an hour and 20 minutes away. Well, do you want to pay for it? How much is it a day? $200?
Fuck no. Hang on. All right. What time you close five? Okay, I'm on my way. I grabbed the machine. I started heading to Clinton, Missouri.
So I get there during it in about 10 minutes before five. Okay, don't know anything. Great. So I'm leaving Clinton and there was only like one gas station on the edge of town back then.
And there was a subway sandwich shop that was built into it. So I go into that subway. I'm like, you know, or not the subway, but actually I get gas to get home.
That's the last gas station till Harrison will exit. So, you know, it's like a good hour or something like that. So I'm like, I better get gas. I get gas.
I go into that gas station. I'm like, I'm gonna get seven up. But first I'm gonna take a piss. I don't really have to that bad, but I need to because by the time I hit Garden City or something, I'm gonna have to piss.
I know myself that well. So, and I'll grab a seven. Yeah, trust me. I know that drive all too well. Yes. I think anyone in these parts would know that drive very well.
So I'm like, and I better grab a seven up for way back. So I go into the bathroom there and there's liquid shit all over the walls.
And I found out afterwards to a friend of mine. She said they use a colostomy bag and they spray it. They literally spray it on the walls and it leaves like a thick shit gel.
It was nasty. So I'm in there about ready to fucking puke and vomit and I just barely got my dick out. I'm just like pissing as hard as I can because I'm dry heaving and think I'm gonna pass out from the smell.
This old man comes in behind me and he starts tripping at me. I caught him. I caught him. I got the mad shitter. I turn around. I go, dude, I go, I just got in here. I'm not the mad shitter. I got him. I got him. I got him. I caught the mad shitter.
I'm like, man, I didn't fucking do it, man. Get away from me. So he's behind me just fucking chirping and fucking badgering me talking about how I'm the mad shitter.
And like I'm walking out and some ways on one side and the gas stations on the other. I'm like, fuck this. I'm still getting my seven up, man.
So anyhow, I go over there and the guys behind me just chirping away. I got him. I got him. And I'm like, I'm not the mad shitter.
Everybody in subway staring at me like I'm the mad shitter. They don't believe me. And then I go to the lady. Yeah.
And I go over there to the gas station by my seven up. I look at her and I go, I'm not the mad shitter. And she goes, sure, you're not. Bullshit.
She thought I was the mad shitter, too. Because that old bastard.
I should have just like picked him up and fucking rubbed his nose in the shit. He was a little frail little bastard.
I should have just picked him up, rubbed his nose in the shit and threw him in the stall and said, fuck you. That's what I should have done.
But I was so out of joint because someone's behind me screaming, I'm the mad shitter. I'm just like, I didn't know what to do.
I'm like, I'm not the mad shitter. All I could do is go, I'm not him. I'm not him. I just walked in. It was the weirdest.
So that old bastard, he probably still is. He's probably not around anymore.
But if I ever see that old bastard and I don't care if he's 10 minutes from death, I'm slapping him to death the rest of the way.
Fucking old bastard, old conger.
Just so everybody knows, this is some stuff that would have happened to Mark and me and the rest of our friends back in about 85, 86.
If there was anything to be blamed on anybody, it would be us.
Yeah, and if it was only blamed on us, we were actually the good guys.
Yes, they thought we were heroin addicts. They thought we were like these fucking alcoholics.
We did drink quite a bit, but I mean, they thought we were these people that didn't fucking work.
We were like fucking homeless. We were vagrants all because we had hair and shit.
And I mean, we had the most horrible things said about us just because we chose to wear our hair long and have a little fun when we were younger.
But the people that actually got to know us loved us.
Yeah, yeah, and they were few and far between, but you know what? It was a gem when we got one and we enjoyed them.
Oh yeah, that's why we enjoy each other.
Yeah, and then like the real weirdos, they all got X'd out.
Like we were talking about the guy that left his fucking, was it his cutlass on the tracks at Jess and Jim's?
Oh, that was an old man, dude.
It was an old man that did that, that's right. We were talking about it the other day.
Yeah, he was an old man, yeah.
He was an older gentleman and it was a 40. I mean, you could tell he garaged that car.
Yeah, and we were the only ones that went over there.
He drove it down the tracks, got it turned around, got back, got it stuck, and damn near got taken out by a damn train.
I mean, if it wasn't for us, it would have gotten taken out by a train and probably half of that block too.
But people thought that we were the bad guys.
If it was not for me, you, your brother, and everybody else, that car would have been, oh my god.
It probably would have creamed into the side of Jess and Jim's and maybe took out some people in the corner eating.
Honestly, he probably would have went to jail because he was sitting at the Jess and Jim's bar drinking.
And then he started drinking when we pulled his car off of there too.
Yeah, yeah, we both saw it, we said thank you, and he went back in and started drinking some more.
Like, fuck, it's like, well we didn't mean for you to do that. So, anyhow.
And all it did was take the passenger side mirror off.
That's it, I know.
That was... That car rattled and cracked, and we all just started picking each other up and started moving it over.
How insane.
Oh, that was crazy.
Yeah. Shit like that happened all the time.
So... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Alright, I've got some odd facts.
Do you want to go into them?
Yeah, yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
Okay.
I've got a little story I've got to go into too.
Okay.
Let's go ahead.
Did you know that an average cloud weighs a million pounds?
No, I didn't.
Yeah. Hope they don't land on us.
I found that one hard to believe, but it looked to me to be true.
I found that last one hard to believe.
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you know that the Hawaiian alphabet only comprises of 13 letters?
What?
Yep.
13. I don't know how they write out sentences.
Hey, I don't have a clue.
Yeah, me neither.
I thought they spoke English.
They speak both.
That's right, they do.
Yeah.
Yeah, and it's kind of an Asian language, I believe, isn't it?
Wait, so it's 13 letters?
13 letters.
Wow.
All of this appears to be true.
I mean, if I looked at two websites that lied, then I looked at two websites that lied.
I believe it.
This one I find really hard to believe because just think about it.
Cleopatra lived closer to the moon landing than the pyramids.
So if you went up into space to where the astronauts touched and said,
one big step for mankind, and all that, she lived closer to that.
Allegedly.
Allegedly, than the pyramids.
And that to me was unanswered.
It was like no one contested it.
I looked around and stuff.
I found it in another area that said that that's what was going on.
So I believe it to be true to the best of my knowledge.
Wow.
That's kind of hard to believe, isn't it?
Closer to the landing of the moon than pyramids.
Even though we think of her.
Cleopatra was.
Even though we think of her.
Oh, you're talking about the time period.
No.
Okay.
So that's about where they geographically lived.
Really?
That's the way this was written out.
It was written out just like that.
Okay, so that's the farthest form of my knowledge.
I don't see that.
I don't either.
Well, you know what?
Let's look it up again.
I'm not going to argue.
To the best of my ability, to the best of my knowledge, that's what it is.
Right.
Definitely.
I know.
I came home work.
Did you know male seahorses give birth?
I knew that one.
That one was an easy one because I think Topher covered that on another one.
I remember that question somehow.
Actually, I came up with it and tossed it out.
Oh, you did?
Okay.
All right.
I knew someone did.
I came up with it but tossed it out.
Oh, you're just kind of like, yeah, I don't think it's that good.
Yeah.
I'm not sure that anybody knows that at this point.
Okay.
All right.
Did you know the shortest war was 45 minutes long?
Using just 11 ships, the British bombarded the Zanzibar Palace.
The leader of the Zanzibar Palace passed away right before they bombarded it.
The war was over so quickly the British hadn't enough time to declare war and that was because
the British came at them with a lot of might.
Zanzibar did not have that much of a military and their leader died right before they got
there.
So, no one knew what to do.
I have heard this.
I knew that.
Yeah.
Isn't that something?
You talk about circumstance.
Kind of like, yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
Go in and get our whatever, prime minister or king or president, whatever.
Go in and talk.
I meant to talk to you about that a minute ago, but we're busy getting bombed.
Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?
Did you know that?
And this is scary because we can go into it right after because I think I know where you're
going to go and I know where I'm going to go.
A trillion seconds is over 30,000 years.
A trillion seconds, 30,000 years.
Think of that in money and think of how much money, how much debt our government put us
in.
A trillion.
If it was in seconds, it would be 30,000 years.
That's what a trillion is.
And we owe a lot of those because our government are a bunch of fucking idiots.
Bart.
No, I'm not going down that path.
Okay.
Did you know?
He's checking.
No, no, no.
I just had to accentuate a trillion and how much a trillion is.
Okay.
At the height of the first... Oh, by the way, there's going to be clipping in the last
podcast that you've heard, the one right before this one, and it is because Rob and
I went on a big tirade that we had to cut out.
Yeah.
So this is why Rob's going, Mark, reel it in.
Mark, reel it in.
Reel it in.
And he knows what he's doing.
That's part of my job.
Yes.
Okay.
At the height of the... Yeah, go Mark, all too well.
Mm-hmm.
Long fucking time, Bob, on some issues.
At the height of the first war in 1914, an unofficial ceasefire took place in no man's
land.
Someone played the Christmas carol over a speaker, and in no man's land, this is where
they were fighting the war, it's the famous no man's land.
Right.
Okay.
Both sides put down their guns for all of Christmas.
Okay, yeah, I... Okay.
I knew that to be true.
Yeah, that's how I knew about no man's land, is because of that story.
Yeah, I knew of that.
Yeah.
That's pretty true.
That's pretty cool.
Well, my dad was a history buff.
Okay, then you knew.
Yeah.
Did you know Picasso's real name is Nempicano Maria D. Los Remedios?
No wonder you know my Picasso.
I would have skipped that one just because of the damn name, dude.
I know exactly why he went by Picasso.
Yeah.
He's like, what's your name?
I'm Picasso.
Everybody can pronounce that.
Did you know that sharks are older than trees?
And I'm talking about their bloodline, not a specific shark.
Like, you couldn't point in the ocean and go, that shark is older than my maple.
Yeah, in some cases it could be.
It could be, who knows?
Starship Perfuel.
Yep.
All the planets, did you know, all the planets in the solar system can fit in between the
distance between the moon and earth.
And that is in their general state of where they are right now.
Not squishing them in.
You can take the whole solar system.
The moon's the other way.
I didn't know that.
Well, now you do.
And I remember I have asked-
I've been watching a lot of UFO shows lately.
Oh, those are great, aren't they?
Like I said before, it's a pretty sad state when the CIA pretty much, well, the government
pretty much admits that they've had aliens and they know there's aliens around and they've
had alien contact.
Mark, let's talk about this out here.
Okay.
We could take this a totally different direction.
Let's talk about this out there.
Okay.
Go ahead, Rob.
You had a- that's it.
You had a story.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I was talking to my brother the other night.
I'm not reading nothing.
I'm just talking right at this point.
I was talking to my brother that night.
My mom, who lives in the Chesapeake, has a dog.
Uh-huh.
And she's a dementia picture.
Okay?
Okay.
My mom has dementia.
God love her.
And she lives like five minutes from my brother, so my brother takes care of her because I'm
an hour and fifteen minutes away.
So my brother was telling me that he took my mom's dog to the vet the other day for a
checkup.
Uh-huh.
And his dog's like ten, anywhere from like ten, thirteen years old.
This little- this dog is like eight, ten inches tall, Mark.
Okay.
He weighs twenty-seven pounds.
Uh-huh.
And my mom has no idea how he's doing that.
How he's got that big.
Wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
And my brother's like, dude, this dog looks like a blown up kit.
That's about ready to explode.
Yeah, I would say.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, he's only like- yeah.
Yeah, my brother's telling me, oh, I gotta mention this.
This poor little dude, that my brother's gonna start taking more authority over the dog.
Okay.
Start- and my mom even mentioned, yeah, we need to start- I need to start walking him
a little more.
He's getting a little fat.
Well, she mentioned this the day after my brother told me this.
I'm like, you think?
You think so?
Yeah.
Funny.
Dude, you should see this dog.
It's like the size of a wiener dog, but dude, this thing's huge.
Uh-huh.
Wow.
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
What do you do?
Um, you want to take a break and come back with some more stuff, or are you good with
what we have?
What do you want to do, Rob?
What do you want to do?
You know what?
I have some ass padlins I want to hand out.
You want to come back and do some?
Yeah, let's come back.
All right.
We'll be right back with some ass padlins, because there's a lot of people out there
that fucking deserve them.
All right.
We'll be right back.
Invisible ass padlins, new douche flavors, and horrible pranks?
What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
Break shit house energy drink.
That's right.
Break shit house energy drink.
Make men and women a girl.
Chomp your balls.
You want to fuck shit up?
Run a full-scale across America.
Break shit houses for you.
Please enjoy break shit house energy drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere because of liability issues.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Well, that new handsome CD is just a laptop.
Uh-huh.
Who's on him, Mark?
Yeah, bro.
I'm on him.
All right.
Well, you know what?
I was going to do ass paddling, but you know what?
I just got to looking at my list, and there's some things I need to change on it, so I really
can't do it because there is some things on there that probably I... Okay, I just got
to change it.
Let's just put it like that, okay?
So no ass paddling tonight.
We'll get them next time around.
So sorry, guys.
You know, there was a missing two-year-old girl who got lost in the woods near her home
and was found to sleep on one of her two family dogs like a furry pillow while the other one
kept her safe and guarded her in the woods for a couple of nights.
And I thought that was a fantastic story.
Let's see.
Do you know that... Remember Donnie Osmond?
Yeah.
Okay.
Donnie and Marie.
We grew up watching them on TV.
Yes.
They had a great variety show, and we loved watching that.
It was great.
They sang.
They danced.
Everything.
Remember Marie was a little bit country, and Donnie was a little bit rock and roll and
all that.
And anyhow, it was... Marie was totally hot, and she still is.
Yeah, she is.
She's like what?
You know she's my mom's age.
Yeah, she's still hot, though.
She has kept herself together very well.
Beautiful woman.
And anyhow, I guess Donnie's been having a lot of health issues here lately, and I didn't
know.
Well, I did not hear that.
Yeah.
Donnie Osmond has had a long and very successful career from the beginning with the Osmonds,
which made him a global star to work with Sister Marie and later a solo artist.
It seemed like nothing could stop him.
Though there was rumors about a feud with his sister Marie spread across the internet,
Donnie would eventually have more significant issues to take care of, and who knows if they
had a feud or not.
Nobody would address it, so it may not have been anything.
The singer had back and neck surgeries, and while recovering he got an infection and he
had to learn how to walk again.
Now Osmond is back on his feet, and despite having health issues in the last number of
years, it seems like he has no plans to stop, at least not for now, as he appears to have
a mind-blowing plan for his future.
Sadly, it doesn't involve reuniting with his brother, which I don't know what happened
there.
This is just what is said in the article.
So...
We gotta do some research on that.
So I guess there's some feuding going on, and possibly even with his sister.
But I'm glad he's on the mend and he plans to tour again, or at least do shows.
So you know what?
All good.
Yeah, very cool.
I would love to see.
Oh, he's getting up there in age too.
Yes he is.
He's not much younger than that.
You know, Ozzy's getting ready to do a back surgery, right?
Or are they twins?
No, they're not twins.
He's a little bit younger.
No, they're not twins.
Yeah.
Here's the deal.
You know, Ozzy is getting ready to do some back surgery, and if it goes well, he could
probably take on maybe hopefully a show or two.
I want the Ozzy and Donnie show, or the Donnie and Ozzy show.
Split bill.
Half Donnie.
Oh, better yet.
Ozzy, Donnie, and Marie.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you got Donnie, you got to have Marie.
Yeah, yes.
Marie's the harder one of the two, in my opinion.
Oh come on, Ozzy with hair is kind of hot, isn't he?
Lona.
You mean our number one listener?
Yes.
All right.
Yes, I admit she's Lona.
Okay.
I pay attention.
Lona, send me an email about Rob, okay?
Rob just said your name, man, and he's like giggling, so hey, it's your turn, Lona.
Turn to fight back.
Even though he didn't say anything bad, but anyhow.
No, I was telling Donnie and for her.
Oh, for Lona?
Oh, I get it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, I was telling Donnie and for Lona.
Okay.
Well, you're a very nice-
I got Marie.
You're a very nice guy for offering Donnie up to Lona.
He's a handsome man and a great singer and very talented and probably has a lot of money,
so there you go, Lona.
I mean, there's that little issue of getting it past Keith, though.
So good luck with that one.
All right, and there is his religion beliefs, too.
Oh yeah, yeah.
We'll leave that out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what?
Yep, yep.
Okay.
Let's move on.
Okay.
The CEO of Hedge Fund Renaissance Technologies and Staff, once installed mirrors around the
office to stop him crashing in while he rode a unicycle.
So this is a high-rise in Manhattan, okay?
And he was part of Renaissance Technologies that was founded in 1982, is widely regarded
as one of the world's most successful hedge funds, and he's one of the most successful
hedge fund managers.
Brown joined the company in 1993 after a stint with IBM as one of the first hires made by
the hedge fund founder, Jim Simmons, in 2010.
Brown became co-CIO with Bob Mercer, who stepped down in 2017.
Simmons has a net worth of $28 billion, and he is the 51st richest person in the world
per Bloomberg.
So he would constantly ride a unicycle.
He admitted this around this office up on this high-rise, all windows, and they had
to install mirrors because he kept crashing into the windows.
And it was like his thing to de-stress himself was to ride this unicycle, right?
And he did it every day for years, and he kept running into the windows.
So what they did was they installed mirrors, this guy from this hedge fund, so he wouldn't
end up killing himself doing this unicycle around his office.
I was going to say, just hit the windows.
You know what?
I don't write the stories.
I just report them.
Well, some stories I write.
Oh, trust me.
I know.
Yeah, I know.
I do have a good one here.
I did think of that, and I cannot answer why they didn't do that.
Okay, anyhow, go ahead.
A Missouri woman was arrested after she...
Oh, they used our word.
Oh no, what is it?
Allegedly.
Oh.
Okay, let me restart this.
Now that I ran across it, let me restart this.
A Missouri woman was arrested after she allegedly drove for five miles with her husband clinging
to the hood of her car following an argument.
Go on.
And this is on the independent, on the internet, anybody to look it up.
Police say that Stephanie Boyd 38 took off in her car in Bonita Park, which is in St.
Louis.
Oh, okay.
Well, there you go.
After she and her husband got into an argument at their home on 28th of September, officials
say that she drove onto I-170, which she drove along for 4.6 miles, including through a construction
zone before getting off on 2 Airport Road.
A police officer then saw the vehicle go past him with his wife and daughter crying that...
Go on, I'm sorry.
This is bad news.
Okay, you guys start laughing so your faces...
It's almost done.
Okay.
Go ahead.
But then when they tried to pull her over, Ms. Boyd did not stop for another half a mile.
She was arrested and has now been charged with first degree domestic assault and resisting
arrest according to Fox 2.
Ms. Boyd is being held in St. Louis County Jail on a $100,000 cash only bond.
If convicted, she is facing up to 15 years in prison and a fine of $10,000.
She has been ordered to stay away from her husband if she goes on.
Wow.
Dude, that's what you see on TV and it actually happened.
Wow.
She drove 5 miles with her husband, pleading to the hood of the car.
Gosh.
Okay.
She must have been pretty fucking mad.
I wonder what he said to her.
Thank God I'm from the other side of the state is what I'm saying.
I'm from Kansas City, not St. Louis.
St. Louis is great, don't get me wrong, but there is different type of people.
This program...
Everybody down here to Lake and Ozarks, it's a mix between St. Louis and Kansas City people,
a lot of them.
Yeah, I know it is.
You can definitely tell the difference.
Kansas City people are more laid back.
St. Louis people, those are the more than ones that go get into shit.
I would agree.
I've known a lot of people from St. Louis.
I know a lot of fine people from St. Louis, but they are different.
There's big differences in each city with the people and everything.
I do enjoy going to St. Louis.
I do enjoy certain drinks in those places.
I do too.
St. Louis is a great city.
I love their city market.
There's a lot of history there.
The botanical gardens.
The arch is cool.
The Mississippi River.
I'm not a dog in St. Louis.
I know you're not.
They have White Castle.
I happen to be from Kansas City.
Same here.
This program originates from Kansas City.
From the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River.
Anybody that knows the Missouri River?
They're gorgeous.
Like I always said, it looks like mud was mixed with vinegar.
That's the Missouri River.
The way it is where you run into St. Louis is Missouri runs into Mississippi.
It's funny because whenever I say that, anyone that knows the Missouri River is like, the
crystal blue waters?
What the hell are they talking about?
I always thought they were.
Honestly, when I was a very little kid, I can vaguely remember and my family has pictures.
My dad and my uncle would go out of the family and die on the Missouri River on the little
16 foot tri-hole boat and go swimming and navigate.
There are certain areas you can... Well, there was back then.
That was back in the 70s.
Oh yeah.
All right.
Well, let's take us a little break.
Now you got to worry about dead bodies floating up on you.
Yeah.
Let's take us a little break and I'll come back with our final story.
Does that sound good?
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Hey, you're sure?
Or is it sound similar to a fart?
It only was.
Such that we cannot reproduce it and prove that it was just a chair.
Remember to send all male body part photos to Rob Rad's inbox.
A lot of podcasts just come from a can.
Here at Two Dish Bags and a Microphone, we pour our own podcasts.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Hell will be your main course forever.
Microphone on, Mark.
And number up.
Okay.
And finally here, we're going to get this Eric Clapton, Robert F. Kennedy story that I've been meaning to get to for about a month now.
So this is a little outdated, but we finally cleared some time to do this with this bonus podcast, if you will.
Okay.
And I am a major Eric Clapton fan, by the way.
Me too.
His music, maybe not some of his other stuff, but we're not even going to talk about that.
Eric Clapton performed at a fundraiser for presidential candidate, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. at a private estate in Brentwood near Los Angeles.
The event raised $2.2 million for Kennedy, $1 million for the campaign, and $1.2 million for the PAC, supporting the candidate.
Political Action Committee is what that stands for.
I am deeply grateful to Eric Clapton for bringing his musical artistry and rebellious spirit at my gathering in Los Angeles last night, Kennedy said in his statement.
I sometimes think that in our divided society, it is music rather than any kind of intellectual agreement that has the most potential to bring us together again.
And I agree with him.
That's true.
Music does bring people together.
And even if they want to or don't, it brings people together.
It's like common ground, right?
Oh my God. Music. Music is life, honestly.
It is.
Yeah, it really brings people together.
I totally agree.
I agree too.
The presidential candidate continued, Eric sings from the depth of the human condition.
If he sees in me the possibility of bringing unity to our country, it is only possible because artists like him invoke a buried faith in the limitless power of human beings to overcome any obstacle.
Clapton joins a growing list of celebrities who have spoken out in support of Kennedy, including the candidate's wife Cheryl Hines, Rob Schneider, and Alicia Silverstone.
The Curb Your Enthusiasm actress posted a photo of Woody Harrelson on Kennedy's Instagram in August, but the actor insisted in a statement to USA Today that the photo wasn't necessarily an endorsement.
Bobby is a personal friend, he told the publication in a statement through his representative.
I don't endorse candidates from either party because I'm an anarchist.
He may be. I don't know.
Clapton, Kennedy, and Harrelson have all been outspoken against COVID-19 vaccines.
The Wonderful Tonight singer received the AstraZeneca vaccines and said he had severe reactions that made him worried he wouldn't play the guitar again.
In February, Harrelson sped a chunk of his opening monologue on Saturday Night Live questioning COVID-19 mandates and joking about conspiracy theories surrounding the coronavirus.
So, um, I appreciate what Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is doing. I appreciate his going against the grain.
Yeah, yeah, I can too a little bit.
But I have one main issue with him.
And it's this.
From my understanding of what I read is correct, allegedly he was a heroin addict. I cannot.
Yeah, I heard you mention heroin.
I cannot and will not ever endorse a former drug addict because I've been around him my whole fucking life.
They don't change in my opinion.
Amen, brother.
I can never trust him because of that.
I think he's great to have out there.
No, no, no, Mark.
Okay, go ahead.
I am gonna have to disagree with you on this.
Okay, go ahead.
People can change.
They can, but it's been my experiences and majority of what I've been through.
Mark, I have. I have.
I know you have, Rob. Rob, you're living proof that people change. And I commend you. And you've done a great job.
Dude, back in the 90s I was doing meth.
I know. I know.
Okay, I ain't touch taking years.
Good.
Everybody knows. Yeah, I'm clean. I'm good.
Rob, number one, I'm very proud of you.
But.
And I have no doubt you're gonna stay clean the rest of your life.
But.
You're not running for president.
You remember some of my old friends.
What did you say?
I said you remember some of my old friends.
Oh yeah, yeah, I know, yeah.
And my deal is you're not running for president of the United States.
You do not trust somebody.
Dude, I had a thought today at work.
I am so glad we are not running for political.
You know, if we ever want to do a political one-off show or even a weekly political show, we can do that.
And it's all political.
I mean, most of the news, I'm having a hard time struggling with regular news because everything's political other than Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.
No, I know.
The problem being is either political bullshit or Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift.
My biggest, what would you call it, indictment.
I'm getting ready to look for another news source.
OK, my biggest indictment of how true it is that we need to keep doing what we're doing is quite simply the podcast the other night, the one that I had to edit to hell.
Right, right, right, right, right.
It's not good for you or me.
No, go ahead, go ahead, brother.
It's not good for you or me.
My blood pressure was up.
My heart was pounding.
I was pissed.
I don't need that.
I can tell.
And also, what are we going to do about it?
You're not going to change one person's mind.
Honestly, we're not going to say anything to any other podcast like we would be.
Bingo.
That is probably the best point around, Rob.
That's probably the best point is what are we going to say to make anyone change their mind?
There's other podcasts like we've been talking about this about starting this side podcast.
But what good we do with here?
There's other stuff.
Podcasts out there just like what?
Let's let's keep doing what we're doing, man.
Let's have fun with it.
Exactly.
And we are having fun with it.
So we should keep doing this.
And also, our numbers would indicate.
Let's let life become what it becomes.
Yes.
We have no control over that.
How many places can you go for a dick joke as opposed to a political commentary?
Political commentaries are everywhere.
I'd go for a dick joke every damn time.
Me too.
And we all need that letting off the steam.
We need that ha ha.
We need that boost him around.
We need the relief.
Yes.
So we are on the right track.
And we should stay where we're at.
And we had it proven to us the other night.
So I'm happy where we're at.
God bless us.
I hope we keep doing this and I hope it keeps growing.
And I hope people find humor and love and laughter in what we do.
So.
Anyhow, on that I think we should say goodnight to everybody.
And thank you again for listening.
You will get a little segment after this just to finish it out.
I'm not sure what I'm going to put in there.
But I'm kind of leaning towards the MTV Sam security guard prank.
Oh.
I love that one too.
I knew Sam.
I was extra with all that with Sam.
Yes.
We talk about Sam quite a bit.
I gave Sam shit.
Everybody gave Sam shit.
For someone that tried to get me kicked out of the mall numerous times and fucking hated me.
He ended up turning out to be okay when I finally got to talk to him one on one.
He ended up being a great guy.
He really did.
I think he was jealous.
He never did admit it.
But I think he was jealous because we had everybody following us around.
We were the Pied Piper of teenagers and teenage girls.
He got tired of chasing us.
Well.
He was an old man.
He got tired of chasing us.
I think there's a little bit of jealousy involved if you ask me.
But you know what?
It's cool.
All things are good and all that.
But I was really surprised when I really got to talk to him for a little bit.
I'm like you know what?
I'll never tell anyone else this but we talked about it here.
That's it.
But he ended up being okay.
And he admitted that he went after me specifically because I was the ringleader.
I was the ringleader so he had to go after me.
So anyhow.
No.
Not you.
I think that's what he said.
He said you're the ringleader so I had to take you down.
But he never did.
So anyhow.
Alright everybody thank you for joining us.
Have a fantastic night.
We love you guys.
Keep listening.
Oh yeah.
Get ready.
I'm hoping for some hits.
This is Wednesday night.
You're going to 38 Special.
That's right.
I'm going to 38 Special and Marshall Tucker Band.
Oh shit.
I got family coming in on that.
And Quaker Band.
I've been listening to really good band.
Listen to them.
Quaker Band.
They're a lot like Marshall Tucker.
You know.
Okay.
I will.
But I am wearing my official two douche bags and a microphone shirt.
Excellent.
Anyone that asks let them know.
I'm spreading with my name on the back.
I'm spreading the word.
RSS.com.
Amazon.
iTunes.
Spotify.
All major platforms.
Type in two douche bags and a microphone.
You will find us.
You will listen to us.
It's all free.
All major platforms.
We're there.
Let them know.
Let them all know.
All major platforms.
Go there.
Find us.
Listen.
So.
And I'm going to be spreading the word Friday night at the 38th special concert with my
name on my back.
You're a good man, sir.
Good.
All right.
Everybody have a great night.
We will talk to you soon.
Bye.
Love everybody.
Good night.
Hey, where did everybody go?
Where are the douche bags?
Oh, my God.
Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.
I'm going to be spreading the word Friday night at the 38th special concert with my name
on my back.
You're a good man, sir.
Good night.