Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue
waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Let's see here, a package of 8 hot dogs, a package of 10 hot dog buns.
I would have to buy 10 packs of hot dogs and 8 packs of buns to even it out.
Should I buy them at once?
Should I freeze them?
Or just continue to zigzag them and hope for the best?
I hate adulting.
Alright, Two Douchebags and a Microphone on Mark.
And I'm up.
Alright, well like I mentioned before, we have a Dear Douchebags, so...
Awesome.
Alright, I have an interesting problem and it is...
Okay, let me start off.
Dear Douchebags, I have an interesting problem and it has become quite annoying.
My roommate in the apartment we share loves to take my snacks and I purchase myself and
need half of them only to load me half with bite marks in it.
This is gross.
Please help me.
Signed, Don't Eat My Candy in West Gandy.
West Gandy is a very famous highway in the Tampa area in Florida.
So if they...
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So, alright, West Gandy, we have a few suggestions for you.
Like I said before, and I think Rob will definitely vouch for this, right?
You know what I'm getting at, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
If you want to live a happy life, do the exact opposite of what we tell you to do.
That's all we basically got, right?
So us giving this advice, we already told you ahead of time, we're horrible, horrible
advice people and we give people horrible decisions to do.
So you know what?
People still write in and still want answers so we're going to provide you with them in
an entertainment fashion but we already tell you that we're going to give you horrible
advice and you shouldn't follow it.
So...
Yeah, because Trust is still going to be laughing the whole time.
Yes.
Yeah, when you step right in the mousetrap, we're going to be over there snickering and
going, hey, hey, hey, hey, look at that.
Did you see that, Rob?
He's like, yeah, sure did.
I'm going to be laughing as we're telling it.
Me too.
Number one, non-perishable snacks should be stored way up high.
Purchase a grabber, you know those grabbers, and hide these as close to the ceiling as
you can.
And then, I mean, at least you'll see them reaching for it and you can like fucking say,
hey, what are you doing?
And if not, then they may not be able to get them if they don't have a grabber.
You hide the grabber and they have a hard time trying to climb the walls to get your
non-perishables.
This next one I really like a lot, and I think this is the answer, although like I said,
it's horrible advice.
Put razor blades in all the bags of products.
Yeah, you're going to ruin a couple bags of stuff with blood.
Yes, we know this.
But at least the lesson will be taught.
The lesson will be out there.
It's like, yeah, well, you know what?
Yeah, you got blood everywhere and your hands all cut up.
Now why is that?
That is because you stole my shit.
You know how you keep your hands from being all cut up and bleeding?
By not stealing my shit.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I think that's a great lesson.
And you're doing them a fiber knife too, right?
That's solid right there, man.
That is solid.
That is gold, guys.
That's gold.
Number three, take seaweed and kale packages and hide the good stacks in them, even by
one of those heat pressers so you can seal them up and they look unopened.
So if that dumbass likes kale and seaweed, then you know what?
I mean, you're fucked because they're going to break into them and they're going to see
like, I don't know, Hershey's and fucking Reese's and stuff.
And then they're going to go to town on your stacks.
But since they do like the good stuff- And they eat the seaweed and kale move.
Yes.
That's what I was getting ready to get at.
If they start chowing on that, that is your cue that you're living with a psychopath,
a follower, not a leader, and just a fucking another drone, just a mouth breathing moron,
and you are to leave there right now.
I mean, if you see them stacking on seaweed and kale, nothing good will ever come of that.
And remember that.
Go, okay, my association with this dullard is over.
All right, number four, I like this one a lot too.
Explosive die packs.
You know, like they put in money.
Oh, I love it.
Yeah.
I love it.
This man is like, man, look, I found his Reese's.
Oh yeah, boom.
His face is all fucking red or blue or whatever color it is.
You come over and go, hey, hey, hey, hey, what happened, man?
How come you look like a smurf?
What am I talking about?
No, no, no, no, no, no, really.
Why do you look like a smurf?
Oh, no, let me tell you why you look like a smurf.
Because you keep stealing my shit.
Remember the other time when you started bleeding?
Yeah.
Why did you start bleeding?
Because you kept stealing my shit.
Why do you look like a smurf?
Because you keep stealing my shit.
You want to quit looking like a smurf?
Quit stealing my shit.
Number five, oh, I love this one.
Have a briefcase labeled anal sex toys.
If they're perishable snacks, like ice cream or something, put those ice packs in the briefcase.
If not, then just store your goodies in there.
If they look through a briefcase labeled anal sex toys, that is the best warning you can
ever get.
Move immediately.
If they are going to look through your briefcase that says anal sex toys, they are never going
to be trusted.
You can't close your eyes around them.
You can't trust them around your animals.
You can't trust them around family members.
They are creepy psychopaths and you are to leave immediately and that is your clue.
So anyhow, let's-
It puts the lotion on the skin.
Or it gets the anal sex toys again.
I don't know.
Anyhow, now we point our fingers at Rob.
Rob, start your tap dancing.
You are the dancing monkey of this show right now.
What does that mean exactly?
Take of it like the NFL's wire waiver.
Okay.
If and that's a big if Kaepernick decides to play in the CFL, the Lions have first stints
on citing him for the 2024 season.
Unfortunately Kaepernick appears to only be interested in the NFL.
But if he really wants another shot just to play football, the CFL is a route he could
take.
Wow.
Wake up Colin.
Somebody wants to give you a chance.
You know what?
Why wouldn't he take it man?
And look, if he is still that good then that is going to give the other people maybe juice
to sign him somewhere else.
That is all he has been wanting is somebody to let him show himself.
Now he has the opportunity.
I don't know how valid he is going to be in the NFL because here is the deal.
Unless he is extraordinarily like a Mahomes or something like that, he is not going to
garner a lot of interest because of the sideshow that comes with him.
He never was a Mahomes.
Well I know but I am saying if he was, unless he has a talent like that, no one is going
to touch you.
And the reason no one is going to touch you is because of all the sideshows, all the negative
publicity it brings.
Exactly.
Go to Canada.
Somebody in Canada wants you.
Yeah go ahead.
Yeah go ahead man.
Be our guest.
Have fun.
Good luck.
So.
We are going to have a great time.
And then we can see what you can do.
Yeah then if anybody still has interest in you they can reach out to you and go hey I
saw you play.
So okay here Rob I have a list of the top websites for sale, the top as in money websites,
how much they cost.
Alright.
Okay.
Number nine and ten on this list for fourteen and thirteen million.
I don't know what the difference is.
It might be dot com and net.
It's the only thing I can think of is sex dot com and sex dot net probably.
It commands fourteen and thirteen million and these are domain names that are for sale
that are highly sought after.
Okay.
Number eight fund dot com.
F-U-N-D. Fund dot com only costs nine point nine nine million in euros.
So that's probably I don't know.
Yeah.
I don't know what it is.
Anyhow I don't know why they listed that one in euros.
I don't know why they listed it in euros either but whatever.
Insure dot com at number seven is sixteen million.
Number six at seventeen million is three sixty dot com.
Number five garnering eighteen million internet dot com.
That's interesting.
Number four bringing in thirty million a pop for the domain name and it's available and
it's widely sought after is voice dot com.
Number three vacation rentals dot com at a whopping thirty five million.
Number two insurance dot com at a whopping thirty five point six million.
And number one car insurance dot com at almost fifty million a half a billion dollars forty
nine point seven million a half a billion dollars for that website right there.
So anyhow let's take a little break and I got some odd facts if you're ready to stomach
some.
Alright.
Alright we will be right back here in just a couple minutes.
Invisible ass paddling's new douche flavors and horrible pranks.
What the fuck is wrong with these guys.
Hello this is Satan.
You might know me from my pet name inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two douchebags
and microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I said there are all the souls I burned that day.
Enjoy.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Mary your grandmother always intruded your thoughts at the last minute that you are masturbating.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Your IQ isn't even room temperature.
Alright two douchebags and microphone on mark.
And I'm Rob.
Okay I have some odd facts for you that sound good.
Sounds awesome.
Okay good.
Do you know that Australia is wider than the moon?
Yeah.
Headphones can increase the bacteria in your ears.
I knew that.
Next odd fact.
Scotland chose the unicorn as its national animal.
Huh.
Okay.
I didn't know that.
I didn't either until now.
Did you know?
Avocados are not vegetables.
I guess they're a fruit.
I guess they'd have to be a fruit wouldn't they?
Oh.
What?
Yeah.
They've got a seed in it.
Oh okay.
Good idea.
Yep.
I didn't.
Yeah now I remember.
Yeah I do remember that now.
Did you know?
You probably eat bugs in your sleep.
I didn't know but I kind of figured.
Only makes sense doesn't it?
I don't even think anybody wants to even think about it honestly.
Nah not really.
Did you know?
The Eiffel Tower gets taller in the summer.
No I didn't.
It must be something about, I don't know.
I'll have to look at one up too.
Now I'm taking this website's word for it.
I didn't really cross check anything or nothing like that.
So I probably should have.
So if this is wrong I'm sorry.
You know what if nothing else maybe I'll give you a chuckle right?
Did you know that?
Okay what?
I might look in on that.
Okay.
Did you know that human teeth are the only part of the human body that can't heal itself?
I believe that.
It's because it's enamel porcelain.
Yeah it wouldn't have a way to regenerate.
It's just yeah.
Did you know that Bert and Ernie's names came from a Christmas movie?
Can't say I did.
Did you know that Switzerland prohibits the ownership of just one guinea pig?
I guess they get lonely really.
I did read an article where they get really lonely and it's like really kind of torturing
them to be alone.
So okay so they're good with shit about guinea pigs over there.
Good for them.
Alright did you know that tigers have striped skin?
No I didn't.
I didn't either.
Interesting did you know a shrimp's heart is in its head?
I think I did know that one.
I actually think I did.
Yeah that I did know.
That I did know.
Did you know we are more creative in the shower?
I believe that because I'm all off and dry off and jot down some ideas for the show.
It's just because to me the shower creates an environment like that.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
That's where you feel more relaxed.
Yeah yeah the water hitting your head and just kind of relaxing you.
Yeah I come up with some good shit and I gotta immediately run out and put it in my phone
real quick so I don't forget it you know.
Yeah.
So I can definitely believe that.
Did you know that sloths can hold their breath longer than dolphins?
No I didn't.
I found that interesting.
But then again I would probably have no way of knowing that anyhow you know so.
Did you know that fruit loops are all the same flavor even though they're different
colors?
I've heard that.
Yep.
Did you know Venus is the only planet that spins clockwise?
Uh huh.
I didn't know that either so.
Anyhow I got a question for you.
Do you feel like going into the hairy asshole Olympics or do you want to do them on the
next podcast?
That's totally up to you.
You know what let's do that on the next podcast because when we do two of them we can do yours
and mine or mine and then yours or whatever however and we can do it consecutively.
Yeah get them all together.
So that's kind of what I'm thinking do you have something that you want to go into?
Uh let me switch views here real quick.
I smell bacon.
No wait it's just Mark sweating.
Two tool bags and a socket wrench will be right back.
Next up.
Things overhead in hell.
And hell will be the main course forever.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
One as useful as a cannon but false.
I'm working dude.
Okay that's fine.
Well I have something I can go into if you want.
Yeah yeah jump in real quick.
Okay.
Alright.
When it comes to ordering at McDonald's there are a few secret menu items that customers
can indulge in.
So long as the fast food restaurants employees are willing to work with them.
Ordering these items is often simple as just changing an ingredient or two on a classic
menu item.
For example if you're craving a grilled cheese from McDonald's you can order a simple cheese
burger removing everything but the bun and cheese.
One secret breakfast sandwich that can be ordered from the fast food chain is the Chicken
Court on Blue McMuffin.
The breakfast food starts with a base of the standard egg McMuffin components but you'll
need a request to add one ingredient.
A chicken patty.
That little bit of extra protein adds some extra flavor to the sandwich while also mimicking
the taste of the hearty dinner dish it's named for.
Next to the combo of chicken, cheese and Canadian bacon.
To order the secret breakfast sandwich that is pretty cool I never even thought of that
ever.
You'll need to start off by ordering.
So here's how you do it exactly.
Start off by ordering the egg McMuffin.
The order consists of an egg, Canadian bacon and a slice of American cheese all stacked
on a buttered English muffin but not buttered sausage.
Then you'll just need to request the addition of a chicken patty on the sandwich or if you're
craving something with a little bit of a kick to it you can request a chicken patty used
in a hot and spicy McChicken sandwich.
The secret menu item has been compared to Chicken Court on Blue thanks to the breaded
chicken portion of the sandwich.
A traditional Court on Blue is made from chicken breast filled with cheese, ham, and breaded
and cooked.
The McMuffin version mimics that through adding the breaded chicken patty through the pork
and cheese are stacked alongside it not cooked inside it.
Still since all the components are there the flavors could be pretty comparable.
So that's pretty cool I've never even thought about that ever but then again I don't go
to McDonald's enough I guess to really know that you know what I mean.
But it is cool if you're ever getting a pinch I could probably do something like that and
just come up with a Chicken Court on Blue what rip off I guess or something.
Whatever you want to call it.
So oops I'm dropping everything.
So Rob did you find the store you wanted to get to?
Yeah I got a little something here.
Okay.
In Missouri down in the Markham Plain Forest there's a place called Greer Springs.
What is it?
It's one of the few Missouri Springs that I haven't visited yet.
They're on my radar now after I saw hikers show what it's like and you gotta watch the
video man it's beautiful.
What is the name of it again?
The Missouri Department of Conservation calls Greer Springs one of the most significant
natural features in Missouri and they're not kidding it's located near the 11 Point River
which is down just past Mountain View down around Winona.
I know where it's at Mountain View I know where Mountain View and Winona is at.
It's like down kind of south of there.
The water and pouring from Greer Springs is so very clear.
The state's website says over 210 million gallons of water travels every day.
Cool.
That's a lot of water doing 210 million gallons a day.
That's beautiful.
Wow.
I gotta go down there.
I really do.
Okay.
Yeah I would too.
That sounds fantastic to me.
There's a strange one.
Okay.
That's strange.
A Massingale woman which I'm not sure where that's at.
Optons County.
I don't know.
Claiming to be from Jupiter was arrested for public intoxication.
Oh okay.
A Taco Bell employee told police a woman later identified as Lindsay Crenshaw was talking
out of her mind.
She found Crenshaw standing behind the Taco Bell continuously talking to herself and sweating
profusely.
Oh wow.
She eventually tried to run from police that did not comply with officer demands to stop.
Crenshaw eventually caught up to officers eventually caught up to Crenshaw and placed
her under arrest.
She was charged with public intoxication flinging police.
Wow.
She actually claims to be from Jupiter.
Wow.
Yeah okay.
That's a 104.1 WIKY.
Okay.
Where is that at?
I've got a little story here.
Am I finding this interesting?
Yeah please do.
Please do.
Okay that's cool.
I'm going downhill man.
I know I can tell that.
You're starting to...
We can wrap this up here pretty soon okay?
Okay.
Alright.
Okay.
Um real quick.
Few guitarists as qualified as Brad Gillis to voice an opinion concerning which Ozzy
Osbourne's guitarist was better.
Jakey Lee or Zach Wild is you know it's argued but whenever you get someone like Gillis who
filled in after Randy Rhoades passed away he would be a valid guy to ask because he
knows all of them.
So Gillis was asked to choose between Lee and Wild.
Which one did he think was the better one?
He goes he said I gotta tell you man no more tears that song is so awesome.
Him as in Zach doing the slide on there and getting the squeals of his guitar I mean that
blew me away.
Now when it goes to that orchestration section in the middle that's okay but it seems like
it didn't really have to go there.
But his playing is awesome.
That's one of my favorite Ozzy songs of all time.
Except for the first two records with Randy.
Those are my two favorite but no more tears is third but close.
So I gotta go with Zach.
I met him a few times.
I'm out with him.
Nicest guy in the world.
Jake he's a great player man.
Those are great records.
But that tone and that stuff along with his great solos and the slide work that Zach did
is just awesome and I gotta go with Zach.
But one of those shows co-host Eddie Trunk made a valid point after Gillis shared his
opinion concerning Jake.
He said in the Imagine department also he said that Jake beats Zach in his look and
his rock star and all that.
It depends on how you look at it.
I think what Eddie Trunk was talking about was the rock star back then with the curly
long hair and the short sleeve shirt and the eyeliner and the leather pants and all that.
I think I know what he's saying is it really kind of fit Ozzy's kind of glamish look then.
So I get that and Zach now looks like cousin it.
Zach looks like a rock star too.
I would agree with Brad Gillis 100%.
I think Zach is much better than Jake.
Jake is excellent and I love a lot of music that he's done and especially music with Ozzy
but I think that Zach is just a whole other level.
So Zach is a breed on his own.
Alrighty so I think we are probably going to go into a best of segment here because
Rob is running down and I don't want to kill Rob and he's got work in the morning so we
got a couple of best of stuff lined up.
We might do Babble Snatch, we could do the prank phone call bits that I did.
I have some other stories that I got to find, some of Mark's famous prank stuff that we
could do but I assure you guys stay tuned and listen to the next bit because it's going
to be funny.
So anyhow Rob thank you for joining me, everybody thank you for listening.
We'll be back on it.
Yep everybody have a great night.
Love you guys.
Good night.
Love you.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room, wait five minutes and scream, hey there's
no toilet paper in here.
Clean up, blast, from the past.
This is where we take old shows and incorporate them into new shows because you f***s refuse
to go get it.
Have I ever told you about my prank phone call deal that I used to do?
No.
Well this was the old quick trip in Belvedere, the one right off the highway, right off of
71 or 49 or whatever at 155th street down there in that little pit there right off the
exit ramp.
There used to be a quick trip and one day I'm like in there getting a soda or some shit
right and I noticed the phone rang, is this probably a drug deal or something?
And some guy jumps out of his car and starts answering.
I'm like huh, they know those things had numbers.
Not only did I not know they have numbers, I didn't realize that people f***ing answer
them.
And the idea of calling into a pay phone didn't occur to me until I saw someone do it on a
TV show.
I was like what?
You can do that?
I thought it was just one way you got on there and said hey I'm down here at the quick trip
man whenever you want to come down I got the pet cage and the rubbers.
So anyhow I walk over there and I get a pen from the guy in the quick trip and wrote down
the numbers.
There was like three of them and they're like you know in a little semi circle.
Back in the days, I mean like you mentioned the other day how nasty that was.
Some guy gets up there and starts spitting all over the phone talking and then you go
picking up right after.
Jam it right up to the hole in your face that you eat through.
Now when I think about it I cringe.
So anyhow it is probably a dirt bag from Belvedere anyhow with no teeth.
So anyhow I get these numbers down and anyhow one day I'm over at my friend Davies and we're
bored and I go hey man I got something we can do.
What's that?
See these three numbers?
Yeah.
They're the number two the pay phones in Belvedere quick trip.
Oh really?
Let's just call up and fuck with people.
Sure.
Okay.
So you know we call up and the first time it took a long time.
I don't think anyone was there.
Someone answered hello.
Oh you know this is the pay phone?
I go hey you know you're a dickhead.
You know just start screwing with them.
Yeah you're a piece of shit man.
Hey you know who I got right next to me?
Your mom.
Yeah.
You know people get pissed off.
Fuck you bitch and all this stuff.
So anyhow we call them up and harass them.
People get so fucking mad.
You know we get them so mad they threaten to kill us.
They're going to come over and we're like oh you're going to kill me when you don't
know where I'm at bitch.
You know this is before this is in maybe early 90s at the most late 80s whatever.
Somewhere in that time frame.
And I mean it was just I mean we had nothing else to do so we'd call up and just get people
so mad.
Davey used to do this farmer oppression and he used to tell the guy that his fucking goats
were in his yard and he was mad or your fucking cattle trampled my fucking sheep you bitch.
I don't have no farm.
Yeah you do you son of a bitch.
I know this is you Mr. Johnson.
You get your ass over here and you get my dead fucking sheep and you better fucking
bury it.
If you don't I'm going to come over there and I'm going to slap the stupid out of you
and that's going to take all day because you're pretty fucking stupid.
And he would just keep railing on him and the people get so mad and argue about I don't
have a farm.
I ain't got no farm you dumb son of a bitch.
And he would just keep going ain't got no farm you dumb son of a bitch.
And these people get so mad.
So anyhow one day I'm over there I'm like hmm you know it's starting to get boring.
People get mad and they hang up.
Then a lot of people just go fuck you you know and hang up.
The smarter ones do.
Yeah.
And although I question them answering a pay phone.
And everyone goes oh you know this is a pay phone don't you.
You know and it's like okay.
I heard that one before.
Alright hang on.
Oh yeah you're right I'm sorry.
You know what do you do.
I noticed there's a white house right behind there.
So anyhow I'm like hmm okay alright everyone always wants to know where I live at.
I guess I'm going to live in that white house right behind the pay phone.
So anyhow you know most people are just kind of like they hang up and they don't want to
go to that white house.
This one guy that I was fucking with just constantly going hey you piece of shit man.
Yeah you just don't sound right without a dick in your mouth.
You sound completely different.
Hey you bald gargler.
And all this stuff man.
You smell like chode.
And this guy is just getting fucking madder than he is.
I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
Where you at?
And I go you want to know where I'm at bitch?
Yeah.
Now over there look to your left.
Oh no no not that left.
The other left.
The other one.
Okay see that left?
Over there.
See that white house?
I'm right here motherfucker.
I'm looking out the window.
I'm waiting for your fucking fat ass to come beat me up.
I'm going to smack the stupid out of you and I'm going to do it in front of everybody.
I'm going to call people over to watch me smack the fuck out of you.
And this guy is getting mad.
Oh you son of a bitch.
I'm going to fucking kill you.
And I'm pretty sure the guy went over there.
He was so mad.
So he was so mad that he didn't even completely hang up.
I heard it go click and then it fell on the ground.
So he didn't look back or nothing and anyhow I hear a car peeling out.
So I don't know about that guy in that white house but I'm pretty sure he got in a pretty
good fight.
Yeah.
Oh he should look to the police blotter the next day.
Man in white house beaten to death by outrage.
There wasn't an internet so it was like one of those deals where you had to wait for one
of those little regional magazines like the South Side or whatever the Grandview Circle
or whatever the Grandview Dicks Mac or whatever.
One of those stupid little fucking mags to come out.
South Side idiot.
Whatever.
So hey I never did find out you know and I didn't want to know.
I was afraid someone might have got killed that whole scuff up you know.
But yeah.
Could be.
It was at the hands of entertainment so I justified it.
Yeah.
Were you briefly entertained?
Oh I was entertained for a while.
I mean especially the guys that just continue to get mad.
They just continue to try to insult you and one up you without a brain.
Yeah.
And you continue like Davey just roll over so many insults on him.
And they just keep getting madder and madder and go oh yeah fuck you.
Oh my god you got me.
Oh you went through the F-bomb.
Oh someone get me some iced tea.
Oh my god.
Oh the pain.
You know.
And hey how so the final the finality was I used to call it down there and this is later
I got bored with it and I went back to it.
And this chick answers.
And I started saying something you know just started blathering some sort of shit to try
to piss her off.
She goes Mark Wallace.
Oops.
Who is this?
This is Danielle.
Oh fuck.
What are you doing calling a pay phone?
Long story.
Hey she busted me.
That was the last time I called and I'm like fuck man.
That's it man.
No fun anymore.
It's done.
Yep.
Cancel Christmas.
Pharmacy is closed.
Break.
Shit House.
Energy drink.
That's right.
Break.
Shit House.
Energy drink.
Make men feel good.
You want some balls?
You want a fun shit up?
You want a poor dump across America?
Break Shit House is for you.
Please enjoy Break Shit House Energy Drink Responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere.
because of liability issues.
I'm in Belvedere, which isn't there now, it was knocked down, and then replaced way later by a quick trip.
But anyhow, I used to go in there all the time and, you know, go in there and buy sodas and shit and whatever, you know, rolling papers for my friends, not for me.
And anyhow, you know, just shit like that.
So anyhow, there's this guy in there, I don't know, I think he hated long hairs or something, but I noticed he was nice to everybody but me.
Like I'd be like third in line and, hey, how you know, the first guy, hey, Mr. Jones, how you doing?
Oh, man, yeah, nice weather. Hey, how's the kid? You know, next person. Hi, Loretta, how you doing?
Oh, man, yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's going good, man. I got the old Taurus running really good. Yeah, yeah, come by, man.
The old Taurus.
I come up there, 142. So how you doing? 142.
Okay, here you go. And I'm like, what the hell? How come this guy hates me?
And every time I go in there, nicest pie to everybody but me, it's like, just like, I'd be 249.
So, weather's pretty nice out there. Thanks, bye.
I'm a motherfucker. So he did this so many times and he just never talked to me. He wouldn't even like hardly look at me, you know.
So, and I never did nothing to this fucker that I know of. You know, maybe someone said something like this guy said, you know, that you're a dick or maybe someone's screwing him like, hey, man, you think you got a nice ass.
Whatever the fucking deal was, the guy was just a complete tool bag to me constantly. So I was like, hi, bitch.
So I go home and I think about it. Okay. So I start calling up and I go, hey, you got any Babel snatch gum? What? Babel snatch?
Everybody, I mean, I bought it from there a couple of weeks ago. Stuff is fucking awesome, man. I'll tell you what, man, you know, talk to your manager about it.
Is this like a breath freshening gum? I don't, you know. Maybe a bubble gum?
I just came up with it and anyhow, the guy, he bent on it, you know, he was like, oh yeah, I'll check on it for you.
Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate it. So anyhow, so I called back a little bit later. Yeah, someone called earlier, you know, and anyhow, I'm sure we have it here somewhere, but you know, I'll talk to my manager about it tonight.
We'll see what we can do. So anyhow, I have a couple other people call it about Babel snatch gum and you know, and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, we're, we're working on getting it in.
Okay, you know, the regional manager, we called him and he said that he was going to work on getting it in here and, and I go, well, you know, I bought it the other day and it's just so good.
And they believe me, I go, man, this gum is just so great tasting. And he's like, it's Babel snatch, right? Yeah, Babel snatch. That's the name of it. Okay. All right.
I would have loved to listen into the conversation when he's asking the regional manager about Babel snatch.
Oh yeah. So, you know, anyhow, I called down there the next day and I go, Hey man, you know, you got that Babel snatch gum. You know, the guy's like, Oh, hang on, hang on. I think it's in, we just had a load. Hang on.
So anyhow, so the guy's like, you know, and this is the guy I hated, the Paul guy. So anyhow, he's like, yeah, hang on a second. So I hear him like, Hey, I'm going to go to the back there and it's in one of the boxes. I said it was coming in today.
So, all right, no big deal. So I hear him go back. I hear some rustling and a couple of people come in and then he stops. He goes up there. Oh yeah. It'd be 1242. Okay. Thank you. Have a good day. And then he helps someone else. I hear him go back again.
I hear him rustling through some more boxes. Meanwhile, I'm laughing my ass off.
Anyhow, this guy, he like for like 20 minutes is looking for Babel snatch gum. So, anyhow, so like finally, like a half hour later, he comes back. He goes, man, he goes, look, I know we're going to have it in by the end of the day. I talked to my manager.
Okay. All right, man. All right. I'll come in at night and I'll get some gum and save some for me, man. Okay. My name's Billy. I'll be in. Okay. Okay. All right. I'll save you some Babel snatch gum. No problem.
So a couple of hours later, I called up and I talked to the manager. Manager's like, yeah, yeah, I ordered some a couple of days ago and it should be in. If it's not in right now, it's going to be in by the end of the day. I guarantee you.
So I don't know how the hell they ordered it because there's, there was no such thing as Babel snatch gum. I made the shut up and all of a sudden, I mean, everybody wanted this fucking Babel snatch gum and it never did exist.
Matter of fact, this prank got so good to where I ended up. This is, you know, in the eighties before digital cameras even, let alone, you know, there are phone cameras and all the, you know, Photoshop and everything. No internet. No, we had to like cut stuff out of wrappers and stuff and make a fake Babel snatch gum and take an old fashioned, fashioned, like a Polaroid type of picture. I forgot what it was. It could be one of those little bat box cameras back then. Probably the only thing I could afford to do was to make a fake Babel snatch gum.
And I got a box cameras back then. Probably the only thing I could afford, you know.
Hey, we actually took a picture of the Babel snatch gum and a guy went in there and he goes, Hey man, I need this. And the guy's like, I know, I know, I know, man. We're working on getting it in. It's hard to get, man. Everybody wants this Babel snatch gum.
So anyhow, I guess the whole moral of the story is, is don't be a dick to me because then I'll do something like that.
And even now to this day, I'll have a couple of people on my friends list every now and then like send me a little message. They'll go Babel snatch. I'm like, ah, what time I was like working up in fucking New York or something.
And all of a sudden I get a ding and like I'm on top of this fucking skyscraper. They're putting in glass and I look down and it says Babel snatch.
I'm like, fuck. I hope they're dying this glass about ready to fall and kill a hundred people.
They recover your body and they look at your phone and well, the last text you received said Babel snatch. We better look into this.
By some guy named dirtbag.
So anyhow, that is my elaborate prank section of this unless we throw some more in there. But anyhow, Babel snatch. Never forget it.
This name lives on. I had a request from my friend Lona that listens to this podcast and will probably listen to this.
But anyhow, some of the some she's going way back with this elaborate prank and I'd forgotten all about it actually. And there's like there's more on this level specifically that I can tell you about.
This is in general, this elaborate prank and anyhow, it's a really, really good vicious line of events.
Anyhow, kind of good. Going to go into some humor now. We know we've done some serious stuff. But anyhow, my great buddy Davey, I think a lot of people know him.
I know Davey. Oh yeah. See. So there we go. Jesse knows Davey. Three out of three. Cindy knows Davey. Four out of four. Val knows Davey. Five out of five.
Okay. Well, everybody in the whole world knows him evidently. So anyhow, you know, when we were teenagers, every summer his parents would go to Truman Lake and they'd take their camper there and they'd be gone pretty much from Memorial weekend to Labor Day weekend.
So, you know, good two and a half months stretch, something like that. Yeah. Sometimes it was stretching to three, depending on how they felt, you know. And so anyhow, this meant one thing. Party house.
Yeah. So, you know, Davey and I had some evil tricks that we like to play on the people, you know. The people that all partied at the house for a while, they were all in on the gag because they probably hadn't happened to them before.
Yeah. So, you know, so anyhow, you know, they were a victim at one point and then after they got through with the hurt and the embarrassment and the bruises, they're like, okay, all right, well, it's time for someone else.
So, you know, new guys that would come to the house didn't know about this, but the people that were there for a while, they knew they knew they were safe.
So, anyhow, one of the things that we would do is, you know, we'd all be getting trashed, but anyone that wasn't at Davey's house before would not know this. There was a refrigerator in the back room that contained all the sodas.
All the Dr. Peppers, all the Cokes, all that, you know, the Sprites, what have you, Mountain Dews, Dr. Peppers were all in the back fridge. Yeah.
And the front fridge was full of useful stuff like food and stuff like that, okay. So, anyhow, you know, we'd all be getting smashed and anyhow, you know, someone would wake up and they'd be parched.
So, they would look for something that they could drink and also have caffeine. We didn't believe in coffee back then. Coffee didn't exist. It was all soda coffee. Yep.
So, what we would do is we would take a can of soda and we would, you know, open it up and drink it or, you know, throw it out or whatever. Probably drink it most likely. We weren't that stupid. And we would piss in it.
So, we would take this can of open Dr. Pepper, let's say, and with all the content gone, we would piss in it and then we'd stick it back in the fridge. Ouch. Well, like I said, the people who've been there for a while, they knew about it.
The new people did not. Don't drink from the front fridge. Drink from the back fridge. Well, the people who've been there for a while would be like, uh, uh, uh, I ain't getting this one right here. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Oh my God.
I'm going to go get this one in the back room. So, anyhow, you know, it would usually end up like this. We'd hear a scream and some cussing and some threats and stuff like that.
And then we'd come down there and everyone would, like, no one would know who did it. We're like, what? Are you fucking joking me?
And then, you know, go over there if they didn't, like, throw it against the wall or stuff and smell it. Oh my God, it is piss. Hey, we're going to find out who did this, man. I'm sorry.
You have already made the excuse, like, well, old man, I was collecting this urine sample for my dog. I got to take him to the vet later. So sorry, I should have marked it.
The only thing I had was a Dr. Pepper can and you happened to be the purse sucker that went in on the conversation.
You know how tough it was to get that dog to pee into that Dr. Pepper can?
Now it's ruined. And it had to be a day old. My dog's going to die because you drank his piss.
Well, anyhow. You drink the dog's piss and the dog dies. That's pretty bad.
Yeah. I can't get the sample to the vet in time and he's definitely ill. Thanks a lot, fuckface.
Look at this. Wouldn't it be fantastic if... I tend to like these a lot. Oh, I love this. I think this is going to be a great news segment.
Alright. Okay. If every time a person farted, they impulsively would have to look at their ass like dogs do.
That would be awesome. You'd be in a crowd of people and see several of them whip around and look at their own butts.
Oh shit, I forgot that happens now. Or no one could lie about who farted.
They'd go, no, you're a liar. I saw you look at your ass.
Oh, that'd be great. Then live on TV, you know, like someone's talking and all of a sudden one just escapes.
They have to look back at their ass with an inquisitive look.
How many times have you seen that on reality shows, game shows, political debates?
Because sometimes whenever you get excited, one cuts loose. So you can be trying to hold it in, it just accidentally slips out.
Then automatically you've got to look at your ass like... with that inquisitive look like, who's doing that?
That would be so cool.
Next one on the list. Every time a politician lies, he slaps himself in the mouth hard and will continue to slap himself until the truth actually comes out.
I like that one. So he can't do anything. He just keeps hitting himself in the mouth hard.
I think we very quickly have no politicians left.
Oh yeah, we very quickly have a lot of bloody lips and people just not saying anything.
Teeth on the floor.
Yeah, oh yeah. Wouldn't that be excellent just to watch? You'd be hoping a politician lied just to see him slap himself in the mouth.
Yep. Yeah.
I would dig that.
I would too.
Every time a grocery store is out of an item, within two days of the sale, they have to write you a check for wasted gas and time.
Oh, I like that one.
Yeah, you go into Price Chopper and like the cherries, they had cherries on sale. I go in there, it's like two days later, none.
Oh, we're sold out. Are you going to get any more in? Oh, probably not.
It was just to drag your ass into the store.
Well, I just walked off. I left my cart right there and took off. I was like, you know what? Fuck you guys.
And it was right on my way home. It was the one near your house over there in Waldo.
And I mean, maybe if I went to a bigger one, they might have had more. But that particular one pissed me off because they obviously didn't have any inventory two days into it.
So that'd been great if they had to write me a check. Oh, and I'm going to add this to a letter of apology.
Oh yeah.
Letter of apology and wasted time and gas check.
You'll see car dealerships do a similar thing. This is done by individual dealerships, not the car company like, you know, like Moly Nissan or whatever.
We'll say, you know, new 2023 Nissan Maxi-Gov, you know, fully loaded, only $23,000.
And everyone's like, wow, that's a great deal. But at the bottom of the screen, it's telling you a specific inventory number, which means it's just that one car.
Yeah. Yeah. I've seen that happen a lot.
And I remember a couple of mine saw an ad like that and they're like, well, that's a great deal. And I said, yeah, but it's just on one car.
And it's already going.
Yeah, it is. Look here. There's the stock number.
And then that's when they direct you to another car and they claim it's a better deal anyhow.
And they get away with the bait and switch accusation because they told you, although they hid it in the commercial, that it was just the one car.
Look, it's right there. Yeah. Yeah. Bunch of bullshit.
Yeah. The grocery store is having to pay you for that.
They should also, every time they rearrange the store, they should have to give you a $10 bill for your time and energy to have to relearn where everything is in the store.
Oh, I love that. Yeah. There wouldn't be a store left, but I love that.
All the major retailers do that.
I remember asking once, why isn't there an app like a Price Chopper app where you're in the Price Chopper and it tells you exactly where everything is.
And Lowe's is really good too. It says Bay 9, Row 7.
But the reason grocery stores like Price Chopper don't do that is because it's intended for you to walk the entire store and see everything and buy a lot of stuff.
Well, yesterday the flower was here. It's not here now. So you got to walk to the store and see all the little gimmicks and all the little sugary treats and all this stuff with all the markup and all that.
They make it as difficult as possible if you walk in, get what you need and walk right out.
Yes. They want you to walk through every bit of that store that you can, even if you just need flowers, they don't care. They want you to walk through the whole store and find everything, look at everything.
What I've noticed about Price Chopper specifically, I'll walk in the front door and there's lots of bins and displays and things. It's like a game of Frogger.
There's no clear straight path across. They're all scattered here. You've got to walk around and around and around and around and keep zigzagging around.
Then you finally get to the aisles of food and they're offset. You can't look down and see the end of the store.
They're offset. You can only see a few feet in any one direction.
That way you have to head down that aisle to see if what you want is in there.
It's like a rat maze and they pushed you in to say in order to get through it to the checkout lane, you've got to walk every damn inch of this store.
I'll go another step further on their little psychology deal here. All the most bought items are in the middle towards the bottom.
So the other way you're coming, you have to go through half of that row.
Like let's say cooking oil is never on the end where someone can grab it. It's always in the middle because everybody uses cooking oil.
Butter, never on the end because everybody uses butter. Milk, never on the end.
All of this is always in the middle. They want you to go through at least half of the aisle.
Yeah, and the front half of the store that you walk into is crammed with impulse buys. Magazines, batteries, toys, cheese hats.
Just anything like, oh I want one of those. Oh that looks cool.
None of it you plan to buy when you walk down through here.
Like they're selling impulse buys.
What's going to be fun, all I want to do is I want to go into a price shop with somebody and I want to discuss this loudly with them while we walk through the store.
You can see here they've set up like a rat maze where you just talk about it loudly so the other customers can hear us and see if they throw me out.
I want to do that and see if they throw me out.
I don't think we have any recourse if you're just talking to someone about it.
I guess they can always say we reserve the right for a few service to anybody.
Well you know what you're right because any store can do that.
Yeah. Well okay.
That would just be funny though. Just go in and call them on everything they're doing and make everyone around be aware of it.
I say we do that sometimes, just do an experiment and try two different stores.
That would be pretty cool.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if anyone that gives out unwanted advice must prove in a court of law that they are in fact using that advice and not just a self-righteous asshole.
Or parroting what somebody heard somebody else say five minutes ago.
Exactly. Yeah they heard it on the radio or TV and they're like well you know that 50% of and all this stuff.
But yeah it would be great. It's like okay. It's kind of like the red flag progressive commercial.
You ought to be able to throw a flag and go I call bullshit on this and I'll see you in court. What's your next day off? Thursday?
Okay. You need to prove to me that you're not just a blowhard.
Yeah. Yeah like a good example would be when Kim Kardashian told people just to get up and start working hard and just be successful and just quit being poor.
It's like yeah you won the birth lottery. You engineered a sex tape to get everyone's attention.
You got a billion dollars on plastic surgery and a TV show.
You bitched about crime when your dad got famous for getting a murderer off.
Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Hypocrisy running amok.
Or the people that say you know they see that you have depression and they're like well just snap out of it. Just be happy.
Just think about the good things in your life. I've never had depression but that's always bothered me.
Because don't you think they've thought of that? Yeah. Don't you think? God man.
It's a way to belittle and trivialize someone's major mental illness.
If it wasn't that major of issue why would so many people commit suicide?
It was just some you go oh I'm being silly again.
Yeah. I'm sorry I should just hear. I'm sorry I never thought of that before. Thank you.
What I like to say in response is oh okay and you just don't be afraid of spiders.
Yeah. Yeah. And you know they go oh but that's different.
No of course it's different because it's you. Go walk in front of a car. Don't be afraid of a car. It'll stop.
Yeah. I have no. As if we could all just snap. Yeah. Just a person like that. Okay take your own advice.
Let's see you just not be afraid of anything. Just tell yourself just don't.
Yeah. You truly believe that then fucking do it. Yeah. So and that was the court of law comes in.
Yeah. The court of law you have to prove it. I like that. Yeah I do too.
Alright the next one wouldn't it be fantastic if and you're going to love this one.
What blankets and counter programmers must go to classes on what arguments to partake in and ways to actually help the world and not take a shit on it.
Yes. Yes. Too many times it's someone who is very passionate about their belief but has absolutely no explanation or reason or any convincing thing to say.
All they've got is passion. I believe in it. I love it. It's wonderful. Everyone should like it.
Never ever if I heard them ever offer any advice. Yeah. All I hear is a I don't think that's true. Well why. Why don't you think it's true.
Yeah. You never see them do that because I've done that before. Well why do you say that and then they don't answer.
So yeah I like that one a lot because we talked about counter programmers and blankets a lot on this program and we hate them.
A lot of them are just bandwagoning too. Yeah. I want to be on this side that doesn't like it.
Exactly. Yeah. And a lot of it is they don't even know what it is what they support. No. They haven't even bottled a plug.
But they've got to jump on it because they see a couple of people do it and they're like oh I'm going to do that.
The people I follow on Twitter support this so I'm going to too. I'm not even going to think.
One of the best ones I've ever seen. This reminds me of this. It's not quite the same thing but along the same realm.
OK. That man show. The man show. Remember the man show years ago when Jimmy Kimmel was actually funny.
That seemed like a long time ago. Yeah it was a long time ago. Yeah.
They had support. No no no no. Let's see. They had a petition against women's suffrage. Suffrage. Not suffering. Suffrage.
Yes. So anyone with half a brain at all knows that that means the right to vote. It does not mean women suffering.
And they had so many women on their sign in that going oh yeah I'm sick of it. Oh wow. Yeah.
So women were basically just on face value. They were giving up their right to vote.
They have like a little sit down table there and it said that and only one guy caught it and a couple of women caught it but everyone else signed it.
Like yeah I'm sick of this shit going on. You don't even know who was suffering. But if they weren't suffering. Or what they were going to do about it.
Yeah or nothing. They're just going to go sign this because they thought wow. That makes sense. This is it.
Hey you guys got one. You guys want to talk. You want to tell us how you feel about the game. Yeah anything. About the game. Yeah. Last night's game.
Oh. I was excited. I was screaming. Screaming. It was close. Yeah. It was typical Chiefs fashion. Yeah.
I wasn't at the Chiefs. I'm not a huge Chiefs fan. Yeah. Only because I don't watch football. I'm from Dallas. I've said my football name wasn't good.
We're kind of getting out of football because it's getting too much just for the gambler anymore. Yeah. And I don't gamble.
They take all these timeouts and stuff for the gambler. They want to give you time to place a bet. And now they openly talk about it. I mean you know it's becoming. It's an entertainment.
Where do they talk about it at? Oh they do it on the broadcast. Yeah. Yeah they'll come up with like odds and everything.
They'll tell you what the line is and the over under and they'll give you stats so you can place bets more efficiently. It's just all serving the gambler anymore.
This became too much of a. It's a touting service. Yeah. That's what they call them touts. Yeah. When they promote the races of the gambling. Yeah. Yeah.
So that's what I'd be telling her. It's just sports is not what they used to be. No it isn't. It's too much money to be made. Not even college.
Yeah. Not even college. Maybe because I was younger but I just loved the game like basketball. Like if I was a basketball player it's still not the same now.
No it is and I agree. You got to kind of go down to the high school level before it's back to where you kind of remember a thing.
I love the high school football game. It's so good. I think Schumper said something about that. It was like high school basketball is more relatable to NBA than it is college.
I would agree. I would agree. To a normal ham and agar like us. I mean why wouldn't it appeal to us? Because we don't get that other side of the world that these people do.
They won the genetic lottery with a lot of hard work. But I could never do that. Topher could never do that. So it's really hard to relate because they're automatically on another level.
But I don't condemn them. I mean you get what you can out of life. Yeah. It's just the way the sport is being run.
The individual athlete I don't think can get anything near the satisfaction that they could like three generations ago. Even though you're getting paid a lot more.
I think it's a much more empty experience overall. It comes with heart. It's not just sports. It's just like basketball and television.
But a lot of things that people do, it doesn't come with heart anymore. It comes with viewers and stuff like that. Not saying this, but if you see somebody else doing stuff like this.
No, no, no. We were talking along. If they're not getting enough views in a short amount of time, then they'll stop doing it. You see what I'm saying?
It's all for superficial, immediate gain. We were talking along these same lines. It's interesting you brought that up because we were talking along these same lines earlier.
And we agree with you wholeheartedly. People just don't put in the work anymore. It's just sports are televised. It's easier to criticize them rather than the old man.
My cooking, everybody is just mediocre with that. They don't put their heart into it. People hire up chefs I guess.
But a lot of times when we're wanting to buy something, we want the person providing it to put their heart and soul into it.
But for so much else of society, it's like that's just considered a foolish waste of time. It's like, oh, this is good enough.
Yeah, just a minimum.
You guys have a card or something?
We should make cards.
We do need to make cards. It's toducebagsandmicrophone.net and we're on all major platforms. Here, I'll write it down for you and just give it to you.
And we're eventually going to have a number so if you ever want to call up, feel free to.
We're going to get a website designer to help us out because we can't really get it done ourselves.
I don't know how to do websites either.
Yeah, it's a website to make a website.
We had to kind of teach ourselves how to do audio recording and processing. We're getting better at that, but allegedly.
We say allegedly a lot.
Yeah, this is all one word and we're on all major platforms, but iTunes is really hard to find us because they have this system that you kind of like to that.
You kind of have to have different views and I think there's like another tier that you can pay for to get more recognized.
So good luck finding us on that, but we are on it somewhere.
But we're on it. Yeah. Hey, man. What's your name?
Matthew, very nice to meet you. Great. Great. All right. Very nice to meet you both.
You're going to be on our next episode. Yeah.
All right. Take care. It's good talking to you.
Yeah, I love it down here.
Another testament to the effectiveness of the banner.
Yeah. That thing is worth wonders.
We hardly ever got anyone to stop by and talk before the banner, but now it's like everybody stops.
Oh, and while you're using the bathroom, a guy come by into the picture.
Yeah. I asked him if he had anything to say. He said not today, but later on he will.
So I was like, okay.
All right. Where was I? Wouldn't be.
Fantastic gift. Yeah.
Hey, anyone wearing a man bun must have apology flashcards on hand to address anyone that might have accidentally witnessed the atrocity.
Oh, I like that idea.
Yeah. Yeah. So these weren't a man bun. He must have flashcards with an apology going, Hey, I'm sorry. I'm a douche bag.
And you have to see that. Not a, not a good douche bag like us.
No, no bad douche bag.
Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm a follow the leader guy. I'm not a leader. I'm sorry. I don't think for myself.
I'm sorry. I'm a weak, weak bellied, spineless dumb ass. Yeah.
I saw an epic man bum the other day at Texas Roadhouse.
Did you burn it?
I wanted to, but I was too full to get up from the table and do anything about it.
I had this great big awesome rib eyes.
You missed the perfect opportunity to take a lighter to it.
So he had gathered all of his hair up on top of the head, his head on a round ball.
But instead of making it a nice tight or a smooth to the scalp, it was loose.
So it sagged down and his hair formed, for all the world, it looked like a big giant hair pancake on his head.
And then that ball on top, like a big hairy ball of whipped cream.
He looked like he had a hair pancake with a hair ball of whipped cream on top of his head.
Oh my God.
And as he would walk, it would wiggle side to side, back to forth.
And it looked like that pancake on his head was going to slip off.
It was the most ugly, revolting.
And this is an eating establishment.
I kind of respect that a little bit because he took it to the extreme.
Look how stupid I can get.
Yeah, he's like, I'm going to gross all you motherfuckers out with my hair ball.
Now ponytails are okay.
I should have got a picture of it.
I mean, my hair isn't a ponytail right now.
So I'm okay with ponytails, but what I'm not okay with is the side pony.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll tell you, you made it famous.
My opinion was Napoleon Dynamite, the chick on there.
Yes.
Because after she did it, all these chicks started doing it.
Being the awkward girl with the side ponytail.
And you know, all it looks like to me is your arms are two different lengths.
And you couldn't reach around the back of the head because one arm's longer than the other.
I agree. It doesn't look right. It's like, why did you do that?
I mean, it was over five years ago, but you turn on that Chip and Joanna Gaines show.
Side pony constantly on that chick.
Oh yeah.
It was just the stupidest thing ever. Of course, that couple is revoltingly stupid.
All of them are on these white people renovating houses and shows.
They're always white people. It's always a white couple.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's always an Hispanic contractor too.
Yeah, yeah. And you know, the dude does all the work and acts like an oaf and an idiot.
And the wife does all the little design stuff and treats her husband like a child.
And then the real work?
It's the same show after show after show.
You see the Hispanic guy come in and he's like, yeah, we're going to do that.
And they do all the real work and then the white guy comes in behind him and is like, oh boy, glad we're done with that.
What a task when he didn't do anything except watch the Hispanics fucking work.
Yeah. And yeah, the big white guy, husband guy, whatever, who's supposed to be the main construction worker.
He spends more time on camera playing with his kids or talking with friends or joking with his wife.
He maybe will swing a hammer once or twice.
He'll spend three times as much time on camera doing feel good moments and not actually working.
Exactly. And then another thing is, is they don't want you to see the Hispanic people working so bad that they skip through it and then they show them tearing down the last wall.
Yeah. Those celebrity makeovers or extreme makeover, whatever shows, those very quickly people learned that the celebrities like that Ty Pennington or whatever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pennington, I think.
He'd only show up and work when the cameras are rolling. As soon as the cameras quit, he was gone.
And it was left to local contractors with substandard materials and pretty much every one of those makeover houses had to be torn apart and redone for tens and tens of thousands of dollars because it was all shit and it wasn't up to code.
You notice in the TV shows, they never had the code inspector come through and say this passes, this fails, this pass.
They never had code come and look at it. They just dump it on the family and say, this is your mess now.
And then they have to pay for all the repairs. They can't live in it until it's up to code. And now it's worth so much more. They have to pay higher taxes. It basically ruins the people.
That thing almost got on your head.
That's amazing.
I mean, it just was like that far above your head.
I didn't even feel it.
I think it was entertaining landing on you. Then you moved to low bend and it was like, oh, no.
That would have been kind of funny.
That would have been.
I don't know. Those claws might be pretty stout.
They probably would have taken a crap on me.
I knew I was ranting about something.
The next one you're really going to appreciate too.
Anyone who says they like the taste of kale, but they must pass a polygraph test.
And if it is proven false, you must offer free seminars on how not to be a gullible sheeple.
Yes. We could even go as far as putting them in an MRI, having them eat a pound of kale and see if the pleasure centers of their brain light up.
I think that's automatic. We do that automatically. I like that idea better. Fuck the polygraph.
That's better than polygraph because we can actually see how their brain is responding to eating kale.
We can see their brain decrease and folding up into itself when they taste that god awful horrible.
Brain cell death increases rapidly.
Yeah.
So that would be definite proof positive. Say, look, your own body's rejected.
That radioactive material that they found at the bottom.
Yes.
They couldn't get rid of, that they convinced people that it was great tasting.
It's like this, at one time the makers of Lysol, you know, that spray disinfectant.
At one time they marketed that as a douche.
You're supposed to pour Lysol, which has a lot of formaldehyde, up into your pooch.
It basically would kill you from the inside out.
Yeah, I think they need to stick with vinegar.
Yeah. Good old Lysol. They didn't care whether you killed yourself.
They just wanted to sell a few more bottles of that product.
Oh, but the makers of Lysol have your best interests in mind, don't they?
They make healthcare products. They have to be nice people.
Lysol loves us. Why else would they improve our life so much?
Oh, the enormous profits. That's right.
I forgot about the enormous profits involved.
They would never lie to us.
Oh, unless they could make some money.
Yeah.
All right, this next one. Any person who has caught fake listening to someone while buried in their phone
must pass a test of repeating what the victim has said previously.
And then, if then convicted of fake listening, she'll be spammed relentlessly for two days.
Yes.
So, his phone will be his or her. Just blown up with spam.
And you know, whenever you say something, they're like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
And you know they're not listening to you because they're answering someone or something.
You know, why don't they just go, hang on a second, I'm in the middle of something.
No, instead they're going to go, yeah, uh-huh.
And then when you question, they're like, oh no, I was listening.
And they take one key word that they happen to catch, like, yeah, refrigerators.
And then most of us are just like, fuck it, I know you weren't listening,
but you said refrigerators, so I kind of got to go along with it.
It's fun to catch the people who are, you're watching a movie or a show
or something with someone and they're constantly on their phone.
Every time their eyes leave the screen and go to their phone, hit pause.
I love that.
And when they look up, it's like, oh, I stopped the movie so you wouldn't miss any.
Well, it's okay, you're just going without me.
It's like, no, that's fine, I'll wait.
I'll wait. I'm happy to wait.
I want to make sure we both watch it together and just constantly pause and pause and pause
and finally they'll get the message that, yeah, this ain't happening
unless your eyes are on the screen.
And you know, a person like that better not ask me what's going on.
Well, who's that character? What are they talking about?
What's going on? I didn't notice it.
You weren't looking at the screen. Where are you? You were looking at your phone.
I would have said, I'm sorry, I was on my phone.
I just start saying, I don't know.
I'll have to watch it again. I don't know.
That's awesome.
If you're not watching, I'm not going to be your interpreter.
Yeah. And also, I mean, even people on the movie screen,
because we went and seen A Man Called Otto a couple of weeks ago,
and I have some interesting takes on that too that we can get to right after,
because I meant to do it for a while now, for a couple of weeks,
but I just never, I don't know what, forgotten or whatever.
So, okay, last but not least,
anyone name dropping must produce a picture of said person and the bragger together.
If they cannot, it is Fielder's choice on punishment from a barefoot toe stomp
to a crack in the nab sickle.
Some people will name drop on products too.
I draw my Jaguar up there, it's like, let me see the picture of you and the Jaguar
and the VIN and your keys.
Yes. Yep. Yeah. And if not, then whatever you want,
toe stomp, nab sickle, light them on fire, whatever, it's Fielder's choice.
You make the decision on what happens to said bragger, to said name dropper.
There's a Facebook group that I'm a, several that I'm a member of
that are like Epiphone guitar owners and modders or the Grach owners group
or this kind of thing.
And anytime anyone says, oh, I just bought a new guitar, it's a new guitar day,
if they don't post a picture, everyone calls them on it.
Oh, that's great. Yeah. If the standard response is without pictures,
this post is worthless.
Basically saying, we don't believe you. We got to see pictures.
So any more people will put up pictures. They have to. Otherwise, no one, no one believe them.
Yep.
Hey, where'd everybody go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh geez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.