Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River,
it is Two-Boosh Bags and Microphone Podcast.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
You're as useful as a cannon with holes.
Why two douchebags and a microphone?
Because two fuck-notes and a recorder was taken.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Man, I sure wish I was the garbage man.
You know what I could do if I was the garbage man?
I could go to the wrong parts of town on the wrong days periodically in the morning
and then watch everybody run out of their house in their underwear
with two bags of trash screaming,
Stop! Halt!
Yeah, that's what I'd love to do.
Hey everybody, it's Two-Boosh Bags and Microphone. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, well welcome to the program. Thank you for listening. Appreciate it.
Yeah, we do.
Yeah, we do. For real.
And we have a few listeners out there and we really appreciate you guys.
And thank you and thank you for being there and staying there and listening.
Like I said before, our people that come back and listen rate is really, really high.
So thank you. Keep listening, keep downloading, tell your friends.
Like I've always said here, the best thing you can do is grab people's phones,
download the show on them without their permission, doesn't matter,
whether or without, grab their phones, download all our shows on their phone,
go to their desktops, at work, church, wherever.
Download all our shows there, go to Walmart, get on their computers,
download all our shows on there. If you're a true fan, you will do that.
And you'll get us at least 3,000 hits a day.
Just you yourself, because you're going around grabbing people's private property
and downloading their show on there without their permission.
Doesn't that sound fair enough?
Okay, yeah, yeah, it does. Now it does.
Now when I first started on this show, I was taken aback with the old rude, Mark.
Look, people don't pay for the show, right?
I was just a call in now. Now that I'm co-host,
Now you get it, right?
Grab any phone you can find and download it. Come on.
Buy ten phones and download them on every phone.
If you're a fan, you'll do that.
Yes. So anyhow, of course that's parody, but you know what?
I got a story here, Rob, that's pretty interesting.
Go right ahead.
Alright. You know in Nashville there was three friends that took upon themselves
to manage a hotel that was personless at the front desk for hours.
Really?
Yep. Three friends took upon themselves to manage a Nashville hotel for a few hours.
After a late night of partying, the trio was unable to check into their room at Lakita Inn and Suites
because there was no employees in sight.
Was that in Omaha, Nebraska?
No, it was Nashville.
Okay.
Why did you have the same problem?
I say it to the Quinn and Omaha one night.
Oh, oh yeah.
I had a bunch of tools still off the back of my truck in a tornado.
Totally different story.
Wow. Okay. My only...
And then they, you know, I was only there for like four to six hours sleeping
and the hotel wouldn't do nothing about it.
All they told me was you got to call the cops.
Well, I got to get to work.
I'm out of town, I got to get to work, finish up, so I can go home and deal with my family.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
You had your tools stolen and you had a tornado.
Yeah, there's tornado sirens.
There was like two foot of water running down Omaha streets that night.
Wow.
Like 11 o'clock at night.
Yeah, I was working on all these.
I was working on all these stores, back when I was doing all these stores.
And we were redesigning the store.
It was like a two-day trip.
I went up to Campsville Bluffs, Iowa.
Yep, yep, that's right next to Omaha.
It's pretty much, it's a suburb of Omaha.
Yeah, yeah, it's like half our apartment.
That's where all the casinos are.
Well, after we got done with that one, me and the district manager
and some of the other managers headed up to Omaha.
Well, we're there.
They closed at like 9, 10, whatever.
It was later than that, it was after closing.
And we hear a tornado sirens going off.
Thank God I'm in an F-350.
Yeah.
Because I needed it to drive down the road.
I'm telling you, there was like a foot to two foot of water running down the road at the moment.
Oh, wow.
So there was a lot of flash flooding too.
I'm at like 11, 12 o'clock at night trying to find a hotel.
And I find Laquina Inn.
I finally get in my room about midnight.
Uh-huh.
I get up at 6 a.m.
Go out to the truck to leave to go back to all these two places of work.
I look, one of my toolboxes has gone off the back of the truck.
Oh, fuck.
I go through my other big toolbox.
They stole other tools.
And so I go into the front desk and they say,
well, you're going to call the local police and have them deal with it.
I ain't got time for this.
I got to get to work.
I got to go home.
You know.
Uh-huh.
I'm from out of state and I trusted your parking lot.
You know, for six hours.
And I have tools stolen in a tornado.
Come on.
That's fucked up.
Yeah, they're crazy.
They're crazy.
Wow.
Yeah, therefore I will never stay another night in Omaha.
My night in Omaha was pretty nuts, too.
I went to a concert there with a friend of mine and some people that I didn't know.
And anyhow, it was Vince Neil, Queensryche, and Sebastian Bach.
And there's another band in there, too.
I can't think of who it was.
Anyhow, let's see.
So I'm there and I'm getting trashed.
And so I take a cab back to the double tree downtown where I was staying, right?
So I was going to, I was like, you know what?
I need another beer.
So I go there and I get the bartender's attention in the lobby there.
The bar lobby.
And I call him over there, hey, I'll take this beer.
Okay, all right.
Be right back.
So I'm going to go use the bathroom.
And I got lost.
And I ended up in the kitchen of the fucking hotel.
And I fell asleep in the corner.
I more or less passed out in the corner of the kitchen.
And the kitchen was closed.
Nobody saw me until in the morning.
So anyhow, someone come over there and I got a really nice room and everything.
And I barely used it because I passed out in the kitchen of the, of the, because this is a bar and grill place.
It's actually in the lobby of the double tree, right?
Only the grill was closed because it was so late after the concert.
So they found me more, hey, what are you doing?
Who are you?
And I'm like, well, I'm staying here.
Okay, what room?
I'm like, hang on.
Let me look at the fucking, let me look at the card.
Okay, 671 or something like that.
And I'm like, okay, what's your name and all that?
Okay, you're staying here.
Yeah, I don't know.
You know, I wandered off and I was like, wow, I wonder what ever happened that beer.
And then the next day when I got back to Kansas City, I noticed they did charge me for it.
So they figured out who I was.
Yeah.
Anyhow, not quite as, not quite as crazy as your story.
But I love Omaha.
I've been to Omaha a lot of times.
I like the old orchard area.
I actually have a cousin who lives about an hour, hour and a half over in Iowa.
Okay, so.
Over in Atlantic.
And actually she's supposed to come down there again the day that we came with me.
Oh, okay, cool.
So you're familiar with the Omaha area and you like it too.
A little bit, a little bit.
The downtown area is pretty and a lot of park space.
That was the nuttiest night I had.
Oh, it had to have been.
They've got that bridge that's like fucking hairy, the talking bridge or something like that.
Then you go on there, you push it and it tells you about the bridge.
It's a bridge between Iowa and Nebraska.
Halfway, halfway past the Missouri River is Iowa.
The other side is, you know, you kind of like stand in it.
So, anyhow.
Oh yeah, and the price they gave for that hotel room?
Uh huh.
Over a hundred.
Oh, for La Quinta?
Wow, for La Quinta Inn, that is, man, that's pretty pricey.
So, okay.
Okay, well the Sega, okay, we're talking about the, sorry, we got off track.
Imagine that Rob, we got off track.
Yeah, imagine that.
Okay, so, anyhow.
Let's see, where the hell was I?
Okay, after a night of partying, the trio was unable to check into their room at the La Quinta Inn and Suites because there was, there were no employees in sight.
The Sega was first documented on TikTok early Wednesday morning in a 40 second clip with a caption stating,
When you arrive to the hotel and there's no staff so you have a new job.
We've been working here for two hours.
So they just took it over and just started working.
After checking to make sure no one had fallen asleep behind the desk or in one of the back offices, the friends began to answer phones, greet customers, even set up the breakfast buffet.
They did manage to find one employee, a maid, who didn't know what was going on, but said she had not seen anyone in a couple of hours.
They also reached out to the general manager who was on a business trip in California and wasn't aware that there were no employees on the floor.
So instantly we were like, we went into manager mode.
We run business back home, all of them run businesses in trio.
Manager mode kicks in, alright.
Let's see what we can do.
Kenzie, one of the friends, shared.
The friends fielded several complaints from customers about unauthorized payments as well as lack of hotel personal availability.
Police later showed up to hotel but gave them permission to do whatever they have to do as they began to leave, the friends reported.
The friends recounted the table and that they all went around on the TikTok video and they all told their story of what happened.
One friend was taking calls, the other was helping guests get checked in and checked out, and yet another was helping serve breakfast.
They managed to hold the fort down until Lekitha and employees showed up.
By then the trio managed to get everyone settled.
The friends then asked if they could check into their room, but the employee told them that they would be charged a $25 resort fee.
The general manager from another went in the hotel and resorts, made an appearance a short time later.
They caught him up in the drama and that ensued and were met with other disbelief and gratitude for holding the hotel down.
The manager told them that they were not charged with anything and that the crew headed up to the sixth floor to decompress in one of the rooms available thinking everything was fine.
But as soon as they entered the room they spotted a naked woman inside.
I wonder if they TikToked that, the naked woman.
The lady proceeded to tell them she was a naked woman.
I don't know, that might make me enough to want to join TikTok. Can you see stuff like that on TikTok? I don't know.
I don't know, I've never been a TikTok guy.
If you can see a naked woman on TikTok, I'm joining.
Oh, okay. You know what I couldn't tell you? I say download the app and go from there. I don't know.
The lady proceeded to tell them she would be staying at the hotel for the next two weeks.
The friends let her know they were not trying to steal a room and that they had received the room key from management.
They went down to the lobby for the last time and let the manager know what happened.
Okay, so did the TikTokers stay or not stay at Lakita Inn after all?
No.
After they reported that they saw to the holding in general manager about the woman being naked, Kenzie asked if they could stay at the hotel.
Can we please just stay at your hotel because this has just honestly been a shit show of a mess.
The friends ended up with three sweets and three breakfasts after the manager made a call back to his hotel gushing over how amazing they had been.
He took their contact information and said that he would be in touch.
He said he will be in touch so I don't know what that means. Maybe we're getting a holiday inn, Kenzie joked.
If they do get a holiday inn, the friends have asked their viewers to come by and stay with them.
Lakita Inn and Sweets and Winamina Tales and Resort Property was not publicly commented on the incident. I bet they haven't.
Kind of embarrassing, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, your people don't show up so people out of the blue come in and run it better than the fucking Gil Wads you had fucking running it?
So, huh.
Alright. Well, hey Rob, you wanna know something?
Yeah.
We got a Deer Douchebags.
Alright on!
Alright. How about we take this short little break here and we come back with a Deer Douchebags letter.
I can't wait.
Fuck yeah. Hang tight, Deer Douchebags coming right up.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct wash rags.
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes in 3...2...1...
Break shit house energy drink! That's right, break shit house energy drink!
Make men and women girl! Chimney balls! You wanna fuck shit up? Run a full scope across America?
Break shit house is for you!
Please enjoy break shit house energy drink responsibly. It's not readily available anywhere. Because of liability issues.
Two douchebags and a microphone says.
You ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass?
Just asking.
Deer Douchebags and microphone here on Mark.
And I'm Ralph.
Alright. With. Like I mentioned.
You know what I have with my evil little cluffs here?
A Deer Douchebags letter.
That's right kiddos. A Deer Douchebags letter. I know. I know.
No need to thank us. They sent them in to us. And we just try to help.
But. Saying that. We're just here to help. Right Rob? Just saying that though.
We try the best we can.
Yes. So like we always say. Our advice is probably not great advice.
It's probably some of the worst advice you'll ever get.
And if you would hear our advice. You're on your own.
We guarantee none of this. As a matter of fact. We probably would be more apt to tell you to stay as far away from our opinion.
And what you should do than anything. Right?
And for the record. We do not have diplomas.
No. Well I do. I do. I.
So don't be filling us with malpractice.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
We're just telling you Rob that. You take our advice. It's on you.
I do not have a Deer Abbey Diploma.
I do not have a psychology diploma.
So if I were you. I don't either. Yeah.
So. I can't get my kids to listen to me.
I think that's everybody Rob. We talked about that before we went on air.
Yes we did. And we can. If you want your rant tomorrow night.
We can fit your rant in tomorrow night if you want.
I've got to figure out a word.
That's what I was thinking.
So anyhow.
This morning. There's my kid. This millennial. This Jim Z.
Yeah. But like I said. I talked to my mom before I talked to you tonight.
Yeah.
And she told me. She's right. It's every generation. We don't listen to our parents.
Yeah.
That's what my rant's about.
Yeah.
And honestly it don't even have to be your parents. It's somebody your parents age.
Yes. Well I mean.
You do whatever you want anyway.
Remember a couple of podcasts ago we were talking about how the generation right below.
The whatever generation is the polar opposite.
Yeah.
That's because when you're young you think everybody's crazy but you.
And now our kids would rather listen to our parents.
Yes.
Than us.
Yes.
My parents were boomers. My parents were born 46 and 47.
Mm hmm.
You know. So.
Yeah. So it is what it is. So.
Anyhow let's take a short pause so I can insert the title.
Let's do it.
Dear Abby. Not quite. You have questions. We have answers. They're not very good answers. But we have them.
All right. Dear Douchebags. I and all the other immediate neighbors on my block have a little issue on our hands.
We have a guy that loves to mow early in the morning. Now there isn't an ordinance to how early he can start.
So there is no legal action that could be taken.
He's been asked nicely enough to please wait until more proper hour to make the noise.
We don't really know how to get the city at the stop. Please help us.
Signed mowing too early in New Jersey.
Another great name.
I love it. I do. And I feel for it.
I do too. I've had that happen before and it sucks. You get woke up the ass crack and nothing.
Fucking some asshole out there fucking mowing with his headphones on, bobbing his ass like you motherfucker.
Well let's see what the Douchebags came up with Rob. You think we came up with something good?
Was that a neighbor?
Yes.
Okay. Just a neighbor?
Yeah.
Makes a big difference in my defense.
Okay.
Well, here is the Douchebags' reply and horrible advice.
Okay. Here's what it was said.
Well that really sucks. I guess since there isn't a legal recourse, maybe there's some evil trickery that perhaps could sway said asshole from such activity.
Number one. Remove his gas tank.
I have to stop going through my head before you even say that.
Is that what you thought? Really?
Oh yeah. Let's pay the dude back.
Of course. That's what you do.
Okay. Number one. Remove his gas tank. Simple.
Couple of minutes. One night. Boom. He ain't moving anywhere for a while.
And good luck ordering one. If it's a John Deere, it could be a half year before he gets another gas tank back in.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I think that's good solid advice. What do you think?
Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Like it. Like it.
I had something a little bit good with that.
No. Go with that.
Just take the whole gas tank.
What were you thinking?
I was thinking add sugar.
Oh. There's always that if he gets another gas tank.
I ain't gonna say no more.
Okay. Let me put it like this.
Add sugar.
You can add sugar if...
Everybody knows what I'm talking about.
Here. Here. I got this Rob. Here's what I got for that.
Okay. If the guy gets a gas tank and puts it back on immediately and then starts doing it again, then I think you would be more likely to add sugar. Right?
That's when you'd be more likely than baby Ruth.
Yeah. That's when you'd be more likely than baby Ruth.
That's when you'd be more likely than baby Ruth.
Yeah. That's when you'd be more likely than baby Ruth.
Yeah. Baby Ruth that fucking tank up really good?
Alright.
Tank, motor, yeah just like putting sugar in a gas tank of a car. You really lose his motor.
No. I mean the people I knew through baby Ruth.
That's the people you really hate.
Yeah. Throw baby Ruth in there and it'll lock that engine up quick.
Not that I would know anything about that.
I mean I've never done it myself. I know people that have. So.
Number two you could do. Place grub worms scattered in his yard. They'll let one armadillo loose over his fence. In three hours he won't have any grass to speak of. No grass to mow. It's done.
And you live down south. Are armadillos that bad?
They can chew up the worm.
That right there my friend is the answer.
Yes. They will make your yard not only look plowed. They'll make your yard look plowed and dis because they literally go through the whole patch of yard. They can do it in an hour. They'll root up the whole yard fighting these grub worms that they eat.
The hell with the grub worm. Just throw the armadillo in.
Oh. Okay.
I had a guy from work that spent countless hours trying to armadillo's outside his back door.
Oh. They.
He was up to like 12 o'clock, 1 o'clock in the morning. You know.
It's amazing how much.
And he's got to order 5's to 8.
They can go through acreage in one night. I'm not kidding you. One armadillo.
Oh my god. Yeah.
I mean they are fast on his own.
I don't know if you had the grub worms. Yeah I had the grub worms.
Yeah the grub worms would just make sure that they smelt them and they would just chew up the whole yard.
And they'll stay in that yard.
Yes that's why I say. The armadillo will stay in that yard. Good point.
That's why it was said to add the grub worms. Is because they will stay in that yard.
So. And you might de-grub worm your whole yard before you do this by the way.
Go ahead and put some grub kill out there.
Throw the armadillo in there.
And they won't get to sleep.
Alright.
Number 3.
Fill his rain barrels partially with grass killer concentrate.
Yeah you put those in rain barrels.
Then the rain barrels fill up as concentrate.
They go to spray it on their lawns.
And boom. They don't have any grass left either so he's not mowing.
Haven't you ever used that grass killer concentrate getting rid of some grass on like I don't know maybe like a mulch bed or something.
Yeah.
It would work.
All you do is you locate his rain barrels.
And just put a couple of cups of that concentrate in there.
When he goes the water is on it's done.
Number 4.
I've worked with condos. I know some of them.
Number 4.
Scatter 20 lug nuts and 2 pounds of gravel all over his lawn.
That'll do it.
He'll be breaking out shit eating him. No he'll hit.
Oh bad idea. Bad idea. Bad idea.
Was that? Was that?
He goes mow his lawn and you get your windows broke out.
Oh.
Okay. Bad douchebags.
Number 4 is a dog. Bad douchebags.
Yeah that's the one you did not run across me.
Okay.
I would have called that one when we did go.
Bad douchebag.
I don't want my windows broke out getting revenge on him.
Okay. Good point.
Alright or finally last but not least.
Install a spring loaded dilbo in his John Deere seat.
Hopefully he isn't into pegging.
Good luck asshole.
And if he is into pegging.
He's out there mowing 7 o'clock in the morning.
He's going to be on that mower all the time if you do that.
So you thinking anyone that mows at 7 a.m. is into pegging and he would love that spring loaded dilbo.
He's going to like that dilbo.
He's going to love it.
Okay another bad advice. You know what?
You're on your own asshole. I don't know what to tell you.
Good luck.
No we had it.
Oh was that it? Oh okay.
On the dill and glub booms.
Okay there you go.
Alright that's all you need to know.
Alright another satisfied customer.
Hopefully we can help.
Another satisfied customer.
I'm so proud of us.
I'm getting teary eyed.
That sounds like the best defense to me.
I'm getting teary eyed at our.
Because if you go messing with the mower.
There will be criminal charges.
Okay you're right.
Yeah just order a dill and glubs.
Alright Rob I'm getting teary eyed.
Our level of dedication towards our listeners.
Are you?
Oh yeah always.
I care about our listeners.
I want to give them the best advice we can.
Let's all do a virtual hug right now.
You out there.
I'm there buddy.
My arms are open.
My arms are open too.
Come on in bring it on in.
Come on.
Oh come on a little bit.
Come on.
Closer.
I told you you're not there.
You guys know us.
Come on man.
We've been talking a long time right.
Come on bring it in.
Give us the sugar.
Give us the glubs.
There we go.
Oh there we go.
I'm feeling everybody.
Oh that is close.
Hey.
Yeah.
What the hell man.
What you got in your pants there.
What the hell was that?
Hey.
Whoa.
You know what.
We should have known this.
Anyone that listens to us will get out of hand right.
Actually that felt good.
Alright.
Rob.
We turn our attention to Rob.
How do we follow that up?
We follow it with you.
Do you have something you want to talk about or?
Yeah.
Hang on.
Alright.
I'm going to go ahead and put up those last comments.
Alright.
I'll tell you.
Have you heard the rumors about Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson might be brothers?
Yes.
Okay here we go.
Maury Povich just offered to come out of retirement to help Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson
figure out if they should share a father.
This is on dsider.com.
Uh huh.
That's awesome.
This video obtained by E News, Povich told the stars he heard about the possibility
of them sharing a father.
I mean Matthew I don't know you he began.
Woody you're my pal.
But guess what?
I would come out of retirement we could do a prime time DNA.
Maury's back with Woody and Matthew.
You know what and they do even look alike.
Woody and Matthew do look alike too.
I could see it.
Actually I was looking at the picture and the more they talk about it oh my god.
Yeah they do.
Man that would be awesome.
And do it Maury Povich.
The dad and the mom knew each other and yeah there's a chance they could be.
Sounds like he was breaking her down like a shotgun.
Maybe their mom is a little bit of a loose Lucy huh?
You think she's a Lucy?
I mean come on.
Think she's some dirty leg?
Come on.
I think this is Woody Harrelson's dad.
I think Mima is a little bit of a dirty leg.
What do you think?
And Matthew McConaughey's dad.
I think Mima got around.
Them two have about the same history.
Yeah I think Mima had them spread.
I think Mima had them spread.
What do you think?
Yeah.
Mima was a dirty whore.
Yeah Maury Povich has said he would cut my retirement to announces.
He's just doing that because he wants to meet their mom.
I know what that old nasty is doing.
Mrs. Harrelson or whatever McConaughey or whatever.
We're going to find out if you're a filthy whore.
But first touch this.
I know you will.
Social media is going to find out.
Social media is going to tell us.
We're just going to report it.
Obviously Mima you're a filthy whore.
So you won't mind.
So you got some other stories you want to go into?
You got something real quick?
Yeah sure do.
I got some invisible haspavlins.
Oh well hell.
There is no way I can beat an haspavlin.
Ok then.
Alright well since we just took a break we can't do the dramatic break and then put like Satan in there and you know and deep thoughts with Mark and all that stuff.
So we're just going to go straight into the haspavlin.
How's that?
Hey after the week I've had I'm ready for an haspavlin.
Alright.
This time I bet you're going to hurt.
Ok first off on the docket for an invisible haspavlin.
Oh I got to explain it first.
Alright for you newbies out there everybody you know we have a high listenership retention.
We appreciate it.
So most of you people who are listening to this will know what an invisible haspavlin is.
For the people that do not know.
Me and Topher the two creators of this thing at first.
And I think Topher might be leaning towards doing a segment here and there for us.
And recording it probably at his home studio the NoFilter Studio.
This is the Talk is Cheap Studio.
At the NoFilter Studio.
And sending it to me and then I'm putting it on a podcast.
It might be like Topher's Corner or Fuck You or Eat My Dick or whatever he wants.
So.
Anyhow me and Topher are walking on the beach.
We are not holding hands due to popular speculation.
Rob go ahead I know it's coming.
You have your doubts about it go ahead go ahead.
I'm going to be nice. I'm going to be nice.
Okay we were not holding hands.
We were simply being friends walking on the beach.
And all of a sudden.
I will say I still question that.
I knew that was coming.
We were not holding hands we were walking on the beach.
And all of a sudden I stubbed my toe and I'm BOOM.
And I fall on the ground and Topher is like.
Ah ha you fucking dumb ass.
I go no there is something back there in the sand.
We go back there and it's a bottle.
And it's capped off with a cork.
And I'm like hey let's open this bitch up.
Maybe there is a genie there.
And Topher is like.
Ah fuck you're an idiot.
Open it up and poof a genie comes out.
And then me and Topher are like.
Yeah yeah we get three wishes and the genie is like.
No no no no.
Let me dispel some of the common myths.
One.
One fucking wish and that's it.
I don't give you three wishes.
I'm not hanging around you losers that long.
I'm giving you one wish.
And I'm getting the fuck out of here.
So choose wisely bitches.
So me and Topher look at each other and say.
Hey let's be invisible once a month.
So we can deliver ass paddling to people that need it.
The genie rolled his eyes and almost didn't grant us the wish.
But he had to because that's just the way genies work.
And he's like fuck.
He goes I can't believe it.
He said you know pollution, world starvation, wars.
And you guys fucking picked this.
And he really didn't want to give us the wish but he did.
So that is how invisible ass paddling is.
Once a month we turn invisible.
One of us holds the victim down or the person that needs it.
And the other one takes a giant wooden paddle.
And swaps the person on the ass for an unspecified amount of times.
Depending on how we feel about he or she.
So that is an invisible ass paddling.
So number one on the list this month.
Marilyn Manson.
And do you know why Rob?
Why?
I've got the story and I'm going to go to it maybe next.
Because I'm going to go in and out the story right now.
Marilyn Manson ass paddling?
Because he hawked a loogie on a video guy and he got sued.
Okay that we did.
I like Marilyn Manson so I live.
Well I do too but what he did was really you don't hawk a loogie on somebody.
That's fucking disgusting.
Yeah you don't do that.
That's just disgusting.
That motherfucker needs a fucking smack.
He needs an ass paddling.
You know and maybe he'll straighten up.
And if I do it again after that it will be like man my ass is sore.
These guys taught me a lesson.
I may be Marilyn Manson but I'm not above discipline and I deserve what I got.
Right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Number three.
Or no number two.
Mitch McConnell.
And that's because he keeps freezing up.
Not knowing where he's at for a minute or two.
Denying there's anything wrong and denying stepping down.
This has happened maybe three or four times now.
He'll just freeze up, look blank, not know where he's at.
And everyone's like what's going on?
Nothing's going on.
Why?
Why do you say?
It's like well you know we're not stupid people.
We see something's really wrong there inside and we're denying it.
But obviously you got something going on inside that's not good.
And maybe you need to address it.
But no, no, no.
Number three.
Elon Musk.
Again.
Just because not only is he in the Hall of Fame but I think I'm just going to keep paddling his ass every time I get a chance.
Sound good?
Yeah.
Number four.
General Motors.
Because their CEO makes like 300 fucking million a year.
Or Toyota's CEO makes like maybe 1.5.
Something like that.
I'll have to look it up.
But it's like a really, really big disparity.
I mean just such a huge amount of difference.
Is there a Toyota plant in John City?
No.
No?
Damn it.
Nope.
Okay.
Nope.
We have a GM and a Ford plant and we did have a Harley plant.
Yeah, yeah.
I know a GM.
I'm looking for some place for my son to get a job at.
I can get him on at the end.
You know what?
I'm going to write you down some places because I was in construction a great number of years.
And I've got some places that are always looking for people.
Well, you know, me and you will talk later about that.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, because I'm going to need to talk to you about that.
Okay, I've got some solid places.
So, okay.
No, I'm talking housing and everything.
I'm going to need some place.
Yeah, I've got some ideas.
Anyhow, you know what?
When it gets a little bit closer, I'll go ahead and you know what?
I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right.
Like I said, we've got a little time.
Okay.
All right.
Next one.
Daniel Jones for fucking ripping New York Giants off on a huge contract not being able
to throw a ball.
I mean, gosh, that guy got away with one.
Damn, the contract that they fucking signed him to.
I cannot argue that one.
Yeah, he looks like a deer in the headlights every time he's out there.
Yeah.
Yep.
Next one.
Taylor Swift.
Leave Travis Kelsey alone.
We don't need him to be a Swiftie.
We love the guy.
We don't want to hate him.
I don't want to hate him.
I keep reading story after story after story about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey.
People are so enamored.
I haven't been official yet.
It's annoying as fuck.
And I could have asked Paddle about them, but no.
I still like Travis Kelsey.
Taylor Swift, fuck you.
I hope you get asked Paddled for the rest of your life.
I hope Travis comes to his senses.
I hope so, too.
It's really starting to bother me.
I'd hate to have to burn my Kelsey jersey over Taylor Swift.
Yep.
I cannot stand her.
Yep.
I have my reasons.
I think we all do, don't we?
Yeah, well, mine even run political and she's just a stupid bitch.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I agree.
My opinion.
No, no, no, that's fine.
Rob, you can have your opinion and mine might just be just like yours.
Who knows?
But you know what?
Travis Kelsey, part.
Everybody feel free to eat a big bowl of shit.
If the chiefs was religion, my homes would be God.
Travis Kelsey would be Jesus.
Yep.
Yeah.
We got Jesus going after Bathsheba.
Who would Andy Reed be?
Mary or Joseph?
Joseph.
Which disciple was sitting off in the corner eating a cheeseburger?
That was Blitzen, right?
No.
Yeah, that was Blitzen.
That was Disciple Blitzen.
Wimpy.
Yeah, Wimpy.
Yeah, that was Disciple Wimpy.
He was the one eating.
Disciple Wimpy, yeah.
I'm going to take you next Tuesday.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
Hey, I got a question for you, Rob.
This is a Kansas City thing, okay?
And I just want to know if you remember.
You remember Wimpy's on Trust?
Yeah.
Yeah, wasn't that a great cheeseburger?
Oh, it was awesome.
Yeah, they're no longer there.
They hadn't been there in probably 25, 30 years.
But my God, I remember going there.
And on Tuesdays, they had the two cheeseburgers for one price.
Oh my gosh, you could barely, it took like an hour to get your food, but you didn't give a shit.
You stood out there in that grabber park and not wait for those two delicious cheeseburgers.
Yep, Wimpy's.
That was a great place.
Okay, and now that you mentioned Wimpy.
Okay.
I ran across a thing on Facebook the other day.
Uh-huh.
Do you remember Smacks?
Yes, I love Smacks.
Well, there was one in Independence.
Independence Avenue.
And there was one there at the corner of Main Street in Grandview.
Yes, there was. It's now a good one.
Yeah, and on Facebook everybody was talking about the one in Independence.
I said, I grew up going around in Grandview.
And then I started getting people following in on that.
Okay, there was also one on Independence Avenue.
I loved that place as a kid.
The Smackeroo, remember the Smackeroo?
Yes.
Yeah, the Smackeroo had like two beef patties, lettuce, cheese, onions, special sauce, an onion ring.
Oh, it was good.
And as a kid, that was the greatest, man.
Yeah, Smackeroo was the best.
Smacks was better than McDonald's at that point.
The Smacks was right across the street from Thatcher Elementary School in northeast Kansas City.
And I got to go there a couple of times.
But then it went out of business because of, I believe if I remember correctly,
remember a deal about them selling horse meat?
Yeah.
Possibly bought from organized crime.
Odd stories.
Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, well anyhow they went out and they replaced it with McDonald's and everybody was pissed.
Because McDonald's was good back then, but it was no Smacks.
Smacks was the shit.
The last Smacks that existed was the one in Banister Mall around Kansas City.
Yeah.
And that was there for quite a few years.
The Smacks that I went to was right on the corner at Main Street and Grandview.
You know, okay, Main Street and Grandview, like you're heading towards the courthouse and all that.
Yes, yeah.
That corner, that left-handed corner, the corner right there, the outer road and Main Street.
Smacks used to be right on that corner.
Yeah, and the one I was thinking of, where the Burger King is now in Grandview,
was actually a jack-in-the-box.
The Smacks was over there, like you said, on the other side of the freeway.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're talking about 71 Highway.
Right, right, 49 now.
Yeah, I-49, it's also 71.
Well, that's sad.
I'm two and a half hours away, and I got used to it being called 49.
I used to it being called 71.
Yeah, well, old school still calls it 71, but them and...
Yeah, everybody I know calls it 71.
Yeah.
Only the nerds call it 49.
As soon as they call it 49, we beat them up.
Well, 79 Highway...
71 Highway...
71, yeah, anyway, yeah.
Oh, well, who cares?
One's a highway and one's an interstate.
Yes, one's a U.S. highway, one's an interstate.
And the reason they did that is because they went all the way to New Orleans with it.
They wanted a north and south highway, or freeway, besides I-35,
that goes straight down into New Orleans.
I-35 goes through Texas, and this one goes through Arkansas, Louisiana,
all the way to New Orleans.
I-49 does, so...
Damn, it does, don't it?
Yeah, well, that's why, that was the whole idea.
I knew it got done in Arkansas, but you're right.
It does cut off and head that way.
The whole idea was to take a lot of 71 Highway,
which is already interstate pretty much condition.
It just didn't have all the overpasses.
And it took it way down to virtually Arkansas,
and then it went past Arkansas, past Springdale for a while there.
They'd been building on it for a while.
And then finally, then they switched it over to Interstate 49.
They connected it all together.
So, anyhow, it's a great idea, because they did need it.
It's just, I still like to call it 71 like you.
So...
Yeah, that's what we grew up with.
Okay, next one.
DirecTV and Nextar, both of them.
And that's because their fucking feud
costed millions of people across America
two fucking weeks of NFL football.
Great games that I could have watched but couldn't,
because they decided to have their little feud
and not show them on DirecTV's stream
or on the dish.
And it was bullshit.
Could have been avoided because the price,
if what I read is correct, the price isn't that far off.
They're just trying to bully the other one and flex their muscle.
And you guys both need your ass paddling at the same time,
naked, bare bottomed.
That sound fair?
I'm right there with you, buddy.
I got second swing.
Oh, good, good.
We can take turns on them since it's two of them.
Like I could paddle Nextar and their ass.
I got third, I got fourth.
Just keep it going.
Bare ass, bare bottom, naked, over our knee, right?
Okay.
Everybody.
Any ass paddling.
And also, if you're a victim of this
and missed a couple of football games because of this,
you're welcome to come in and paddle their asses too.
All you got to do is fill out a slight form,
taking about 30 seconds.
It says, yes, my name is Frank,
and I would like to paddle their ass
because they made me miss football.
And that's it.
Hey, there we are.
Everybody has their email address.
Email us your request to paddle their asses with us.
And we'll even read your name off if you want to paddle their asses.
I will read your name off on air.
Let's say Billy.
Billy wants to paddle Nextar and DirecTV's ass
for these shenanigans that they just pulled.
And then I'll come on air and go,
hey, Rob, I got an email.
You know, Billy wants to join in on the ass paddling
of Nextar and DirecTV.
And then, Rob, what will you say?
I'll say, bring it in.
All right.
So you can have my sleep.
The more paddlers, the merrier.
No, no, no, no one takes our swings.
We get the swing, but they do too.
So.
No, you and I get first.
They get the rest.
Oh, OK.
All right, cool.
Yeah.
All right.
So there's going to be a long line behind us,
though, hopefully.
Yep.
Next.
Because other people feel the same way
about the people we talk about.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I know they do.
I know they do.
I'm about to bring Eron up for another one.
OK, we'll get to that here.
I'm almost done with this list.
No, not tonight.
He's looking on it.
Oh, OK.
All right.
Next one.
Idiot parkers at the city market.
And every time I go park at an end of the road
so they can't box me in so I can get in my fucking car.
And every time some motherfucker parks in a no parking zone
and boxes me in.
Tovra thought I was going to kill someone the other day,
and I really thought about it.
Because some motherfucker went into no parking zone
just to block me.
Stupid fucking people.
Dude, it sounds like you've had the week I have.
I'm tired of stupid people.
No, stupid people everywhere.
At this point, I would rather hang out with animals than humans.
Same here.
And I love what George Carlin always said is,
is I mean, fucking animals is the way to go.
Hang out with animals.
People are stupid and do stupid shit.
Animals are cool.
They're not out to ruin your fucking day.
They're just there being a cool animal.
People are out there to ruin your day because they're stupid fucks.
So.
Yeah.
We talked about kids before we went on there.
Yep.
Next one.
Sirius XM again.
And that is because their programming really,
I mean, I like some of their stuff,
but their program is really subpar anymore.
They've really not invested anything in getting good younger talent on the air,
good younger talk people.
It's just like the same old same old.
And they've been stale for quite a few years.
They took and they bought into the Howard Stern, that miserable idiot.
And they think that he's their savior.
Well, no, he's ruining the company with his brand of bullshit.
And his brand of drivel and droning on all the time.
He just, man, in my opinion, he's like one of the worst.
And anyhow, they're really haven't added anything very much anymore.
And I don't know.
I'm just like, I just think they suck.
Even only paying like six bucks a month, they still suck.
And then next.
The New York Jets and artificial turf show.
They share and ask paddling for probably ruining Aaron Rodgers career.
I keep hearing more and more complaints about the artificial turf.
It tears people's knees out.
Everybody says the new artificial turf is supposed to be more like grass,
but it's worse.
It's what the athletes are saying.
Without a doubt it's worse.
Without a doubt.
Yeah, it's not good.
So let's take a break and we'll be back here in a minute, OK?
All right.
When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water
because nobody likes a stinky asshole.
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It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Mate, your headphones snag on every door and entrance.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
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Alright, two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, I am currently looking for a Marilyn Manson article.
Oh, here it is right here. I thought I'd had it.
So, I alluded to the Marilyn Manson Ask Bablin I was talking about earlier, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Well, I've got the article right here.
Okay, so here's what happened.
The 54-year-old, whose real name is Brian Warner,
appeared in court Monday and was charged with two misdemeanor counts of simple assault
following the incident during a 2019 concert in New Hampshire.
And this just came out, so I mean, I don't know why it took so long,
maybe because of COVID, for him to go to court over this and plea.
Manson pleaded no contest to the charge of nose blowing,
meaning that it means he does not contest the charge, but he does not admit guilt.
The plea was part of the deal that saw prosecutors agree to dismiss...
Oh, okay, it was a plea deal, so I've been in court for a while. I didn't understand that.
The plea was part of...
Yeah, and just so you know, when you have money, you can put court off for a while.
And that's what he has done, clearly.
The same, the same.
Since 2019, here we are, fucking four years later.
Yeah, yeah.
Manson pleaded no contest to the charge of nose blowing.
The plea was part of a deal that saw prosecutors agree to dismiss
the other charge against the musician, which alleged that he spat on the camera operator.
Okay, so he blew his nose on the guy, and then he spit on him.
He was fined just over $1,400, with $200 suspended.
Oh, big fucking whoopie.
And he needs to stay arrest free for a while,
also notifying local police of any New Hampshire performances in two years.
During the New Hampshire concert, Manson approached the camera operator, Susan Fountain,
put his face close to her camera, and spat a big loogie at her, according to the police affidavits.
A police sergeant who reviewed the video footage said that the affidavit that Manson blew a significant amount of mucus at Fountain,
and that after the camera view changes.
You can see Manson point and laugh at Fountain as she gets down and walks away.
Ms. Fountain said in a statement that the incident was the most disgusting thing a human could have done.
Manson initially pleaded guilty to both charges in 2021,
with a Roxer's Lawyer claiming the type of filming that Ms. Fountain was doing at the concert
commonly exposes videographers to incidental contact with bodily fluids.
Oh, bullshit. The guy hopped a fucking loogie and spit it on her.
That's not incidental contact.
Okay.
Right? Is that agreed?
Well, I was trying to figure this out, trying to figure out how it played out.
Did he come off the stage and just do it and accidentally hit her,
or did he look at her and just do it at her?
He, it sounds to me from what I read here...
That's what would make the defense.
Okay. It sounds to me from what I just read that he looked at her,
hopped one up, spit it at her. It doesn't say it actually hit her, though.
But he laughed. He laughed at her.
The action of doing it would be enough, yeah.
Yeah, he laughed at her is what it said.
He busted. He busted.
So him laughing would indicate that...
Oh, he laughed. He busted.
He planned it, did it, and then thought it was funny.
He'll serve as a... okay. Marilyn Manson sues... eh, you know what.
Marilyn Manson sued one of the women that accused him of sexual assault.
Anyhow, this is one of the women that said that he abused her sexually,
but that thing is still in court, and it was a little add-on to this.
And to be fair, I'm going to read the whole thing.
It's that little excerpt that was attached to that article.
I'm going to read the excerpt, and I will have it on in a podcast or two.
So... yeah.
Yeah, they get what you see.
Yeah.
Okay, Rob, do you have something you want to... you have any stories you want to cover?
Man, I thought one about the Brady Munch House.
Oh, go ahead. Sounds good.
Buying a $3.2 million model in the Brady Munch home might have been the worst investment ever,
as far as property business go, but art collector and owner Tina Taron doesn't seem to have any regrets.
Speaking to people, she has no intention to sell any property, even if none of the appliances worked.
So none of the appliances in the Brady Munch house worked.
So Alice was a fake.
I guess so.
So far, that's what I'm doing. They're calling it Alice the Fake.
Anyway, when I was buying it, I wasn't thinking.
Or it was a great investment, she said.
When I buy art, it's because I love the art.
It's not because, oh, I'm going to make money on this.
If you're going to make money in art, you have to sell it.
I buy art and then I don't sell it.
The Los Angeles property, which was used for the exterior shots on the Brady Munch,
was initially bought in 2018 for $3.5 million by HGTV.
The network didn't spend almost $2 million to re-initiate it.
So the interior perfectly replicated the sit time on the 2019 series, a very Brady generation.
Cool.
Wow.
I don't know.
Do I know?
So Ron purchased a home from HGTV for $3.2 million.
Approximately 9% less than what the network purchased.
Oh, wow.
She's going to leave the appliance. It's one of them stories that's lengthy.
She's going to leave it the way it is.
She's going to leave it the way we've seen it on TV.
Okay, cool. That's good with me.
Yeah, I mean, I'm glad somebody had the money to do it.
I am too, really.
Cool. All right.
Well, shall we go ahead and wrap this podcast up, Rob?
Yeah, we're going to be about that time.
All right, everybody. Thank you for doing it.
Everybody, just trust me. We will have a lot more going on tomorrow night.
Yeah, from the way it sounds, I think you're going to take the pulpit quite a few times.
Yep.
All right, everybody. Have a great night. Thanks for joining us. Bye.
Thank you. Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Hey, where did they go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh, my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back.
It smells.