Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the
banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Waters of the Missouri River, it is Two-Pouch Bags
and Microphone Podcast.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
So, I order spaghetti and meatballs.
My meatballs automatically fall apart as soon as I touch them.
So then, does my dish automatically change its name to spaghetti and meat sauce?
Hmph.
I may never know.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct washrags.
Two douchebags and a microphone invade your ear holes in 3, 2, 1.
Oh shit, what's that over there?
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
Uggggggghhhhhhhhh.
A ship telling red paint and a ship telling blue paint collide.
They were all moored.
Hello, Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Welcome to the show tonight.
First off, Rob, like I was telling you, off the air, I talked to Topher today.
I'm going to go hang out with him tomorrow for a little bit.
Anyhow, he had a couple of messages for everybody.
The number one message they wanted to get a hold of, or not get a hold of, but let out
there is, his hair is now longer than Alice Cooper's hair.
And he's very proud about that.
And he should be.
He went to go see Alice Cooper the other night.
I could not attend, I had to work.
So anyhow, I'll ask him about the show tomorrow.
I didn't get a chance to ask him how good the show was or nothing, but I'll ask him
about that tomorrow.
And I'll come back with a full Topher reports on Alice Cooper, Rob Zombie, Ministry, and
Filter concert.
I think it's called Freaks on Parade or something like that.
Yeah, I was wanting to go to that concert.
I wanted to see Ministry.
I wanted to see them all, but Ministry the worst because who knows how long that Ministry
is going to be around for.
They just don't tour that much.
They don't do that many shows.
And they're odd.
And Al Jorgensen is a weird guy.
And who knows when he's just going to say, fuck it, and not do anything anymore.
But anyhow, maybe I will get to.
So the second thing is Topher sent me this article that he wants me to go straight from
Topher's desk from.
And this is, you know, since Topher has some stuff going on and he's not doing the podcast,
every now and then he'll send me something that he would really like to get out there.
He may not be on air, but he's with us in spirit.
And so, well, evidently, I guess these planes like on United and these other ones, they've
been finding fake plane parts in them, not real plane parts.
It's fucking concerning, isn't it?
Yeah.
Okay.
United Airlines discovered dubious parts in two aircraft engines, adding to the list of
carriers worldwide that have found bogus components from supplier AOG techniques.
The parts were discovered in a single engine on each of the two aircraft, including one
that was already undergoing routine maintenance.
A spokesperson for United said Monday, the Chicago based airline is replacing the engines
before the planes are returned to fly.
And he said United discovered the parts based on new information from its suppliers and
will continue to investigate as more details become available.
The company said the parts were seals on compressor stator vanes that help direct airflow inside
the engine.
United didn't immediately say which type of aircraft the engines had powered.
The company's disclosure made it to the latest major carrier to confirm the suspect components
from AOG were installed in their fleet, including Southwest Airlines Company.
The Virgin, I just flew on Southwest.
The Virgin Australia Airlines, and that will probably be my last time in full disclosure
because they have done enough stupid shit, I don't think I'll ever get over it.
And I was using up my points.
And now, since they fucked me out of a couple of vouchers since COVID and fucking made me
like late and canceled flights on me and fucked me over so many times, Southwest can kiss
my dick.
So in my opinion, they're a shitty fucking company and I'm not going to do business with
them anymore.
So in full disclosure, that was my last trip with Southwest so they can suck it.
Anyhow, the company's disclosure makes it the latest major carrier to confirm the suspect
components from AOG were installed in their Southwest and Virgin Airlines.
Aviation regulators have said AOG supplied an unknown number of jet engine spare parts
backed by falsified airworthiness documentation, kicking off a worldwide effort by industry
to hunt down more components.
CFM International, the joint venture of General Electric Company and Safran that makes the
engines for many older generation Airbus SE, A320s and Boeing 737s, that's where Southwest
comes in, they use a lot of Boeing 737s.
They said parts with fraudulent documentation have been used in 68% of its power plants.
Shit.
Okay, well, you know what?
I think we got some real fucking issues there, don't you?
Oh yeah.
You know, you could have fake parts in a car maybe, right?
All right, maybe your car goes out on you.
Okay, all right.
You know, you get a tow truck, then you fight with whoever, you know, the maker, whatever,
and then they'll eventually be a recall, but you're not in the air when someone finds out
there's a failure, right?
Yeah.
A power plant.
You know, same thing, you know, all of a sudden 300 million people on the grid, boom, gone
because of fraudulent parts.
A fraudulent part would be okay in a computer.
A fan.
But not in these things.
These things are very important for our everyday life.
As a matter of fact, any of these things going out could cost many lives.
So I think they better get on this and I think they better get this shit figured out.
And thank you, Topher, for this lead off of Straight From Topher's Desk.
It's appreciated.
Thanks, Topher.
Yeah, he always has informative stuff.
And you know, he's not so much the dick joke guy.
He enjoys a good dick joke, but he's like, he was a more sophisticated part of what we
do here.
Wouldn't you say?
Yeah.
He's more newsworthy.
Yeah, we're overeating dirt while he's like fucking figuring scientific stuff out.
So but I guess it works out, right?
Well, we're trying to make it work out.
We're both trying to pick up the newsworthy stuff plus our jackass stuff.
Yes.
Yep.
Yeah.
So, you know, you know, maybe we'll come for contributing here and there.
We could raise the bar a little bit.
Yeah.
And maybe actually call ourselves semi-journalists.
I don't know.
Nah, you know, nah, let's stick with dick jokes.
At least we're good at that.
I definitely know I need help.
So.
Yeah, I do too.
I am not the most, what would you call it, articulate man ever.
I'm barely Neanderthal level.
I know this.
Oh, come on.
You're a little bit better than that.
A little bit.
And you know what?
It works for me.
So.
Talking Neanderthal.
I mean, at the end of the day, you're talking about from two dirtbags from Missouri, right?
Yeah.
What do you expect?
The show is two douchebags and microphone.
It's not too well informed gentlemen with straight talk.
No, it's two douchebags and microphone.
So I think everybody kind of knows what they're getting.
I think they're like, yeah, we know it's dick jokes.
Yeah, we read the title before we started listening, dumbass.
So anyhow, I have a couple of stories here.
Do you have something you want to get to, Rob?
Did you know camel milk does not curdle naturally and won't coagulate as easily as other types
of milk?
I did not know that, but I can believe that.
Because think of their habitat.
I just threw that out there because it was in front of me when you asked.
No, that's pretty cool.
But think about where camels live and where they feed their young and all that.
That would make sense.
Because if their milk was very perishable at all, they wouldn't have baby camels very
often.
I mean, right?
I mean, I don't know, but it's inside them.
I don't know.
Who knows?
You know what?
No, that does make sense though, because they are in a very high temperature, low moisture,
desert area.
So yeah, I could see that.
And not curdling would probably be a product of their environment, if nothing else.
So oh, I found the person.
In a little bit here, we're going to go to our Harry A**hole Olympics, part 30 or whatever
it is.
Round 2, part 30 or whatever.
But before that, the person that should win but can't win because they're not famous is
a woman named Sopalta Natty Sussapan.
A 70 year old girl from Thailand suffers from a rare condition known as werewolf syndrome.
This means that thick hair grows from every part of her body except her eyes.
And a picture of her, yes, a picture of her definitely illustrated that she should win
this contest, but she's not famous so she can't be entered.
But I just want to give her an honorable mention, because if she could enter this, or if she
gets famous, like let's say TV stations start having her on or something, then we could
enter her and I guarantee you she would win.
Okay, do I have a question for you?
Yes, go ahead.
If she's in Guinness Book of World Records.
Oh, I will look that up.
If she's in the Guinness Book of World Records.
If she's in Guinness, that would make her famous.
Okay, you know what?
I will have our answer on the next podcast.
I know, well then we, yeah, I'd lose.
You know what?
I may have found, oh my god, I may have found the winner inadvertently, we'll see.
Well that's nice, I'll round three.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, she'll, well I could put her as my wild card, but I won't do that yet.
I got another wild card that I'm very convinced on and I love.
Okay, yeah well, alright, we'll talk about that.
It may be the same person dude.
I'm afraid we have the same wild card.
So anyhow, we'll talk about that later.
We'll talk about it later.
So you got anything else you want to get to immediately or you want me to go to a story?
I got, you know how you were talking about Southwest a while ago?
Yes.
I got a story about United.
Oh please, go ahead.
A passenger on a United Airlines flight that had to land because of an eight inch hole
in the fuselage last week told the New York Post that she thought she was going to die.
Artist Tato LaVere was on United Flight 510 bound from Rome, Italy on September 13th when
the pilot was forced to return to Newark, Liberty and North
Airport due to a cross-realization issue.
The company said in a statement, just saying eight inch hole in the fuselage, yeah, that
would be a frustration.
I would think so, yes.
Wow.
LaVere told the Post that she started to get a sick feeling that she felt the plane rapidly
descending roughly four hours into the flight.
The Boeing 777 descended from 37,000 feet to just below 9,000 feet in around eight minutes.
Does it say where they had to land?
The plane had to land at the crash site flight aware.
Does it say where they had to emergency land four hours later?
Yeah, that's a little longer story.
Okay, go ahead and say it.
There was an eight inch hole.
I'm going to break this down.
Okay.
Yeah, there was an eight inch hole in the plane.
They had to make an emergency landing.
She was freaking out because it was right after her.
Yeah, yeah, got it.
Wow.
I think I was freaking out too.
Oh yeah, I was too.
Especially at 37,000 feet.
Yeah.
There's a reason I don't get on planes, Mark.
I know my height.
No, no, no, you're smarter than me, I guess.
Well, I mean the other thing is from 37,000 feet to 9,000 feet.
Below 9,000.
Below 9,000 feet.
You know that is, but 9,000 feet isn't shit up in the air when you look down from a plane.
Yeah, yeah, that's... Wow.
Okay, yeah, that would have been shit worthy.
That would have been shit your pants and no one blamed you worthy.
I'd be like, hey, what happened to Mark?
Well, they had to make an emergency landing and they went from 37,000 feet to under 9,000 feet.
Oh, that's how come he has shit all up his back and all over his trousers and all over his socks.
Oh, okay, all right.
Well, we understand.
All right.
Well, did anyone offer a washcloth?
Well, long story short, they made it to the ground.
Everybody's safe.
Wow.
Crazy.
You said you wanted crazy stories.
No, no, no, I love the story.
I'm just like, I'm kind of like shitting toward them right now.
I put myself in their position going, oh my God.
You know how many I'm sorrys I'd be saying to God all the way down?
Oh, tell me about it.
Yeah, yeah.
Everything I can remember that I did that was horrible, I'm sorry about that.
I'd be saying I'm sorry for even being born.
I'd be like, you know, in favor of time, God, it's going to take me too long and we're going to crash
and burn before this.
So in time interest, I'm just going to go ahead and say one catch all, I'm sorry for everything rotten I've ever did.
And hopefully that covers it.
Because if I start rattling off everything I've ever did, we're going to crash before I even get a tenth of the way through it.
So anyhow, all right, good story, Rob.
You got anything else you want to add or you got it?
You already want to hear it?
Go ahead.
Okay.
All right, well, how about if I come back with this story back after a break?
It's the most swipe jobs on Tinder and the less swipe jobs on Tinder.
So the way Tinder works is you swipe to the right if you like somebody, you swipe to the left if it's a pass.
It tells you how many, what type of jobs got the right swipe and what type of jobs got the left swipe.
We'll do that when we get back.
We'll see you guys in a minute.
Two douchebags and a microphone, the number one show for people that lie about their favorite podcast.
Remember to send all male body part photos to Rob Rad's inbox.
May your spoon always slip and sink into your hot soup.
Two emotionally disturbed dirtbags in a popsicle will be right back.
A constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
May every empty parking space you see in the distance actually contain a motorcycle.
Break shit house energy drink.
That's right.
Break shit house energy drink.
Make men and women go.
Two after the malls.
Who wants to fuck shit up?
Run for a spin across America.
Break shit house energy drink is for you.
Please enjoy break shit house energy drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere because of liability issues.
Alright, two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Okay, as we spoke about briefly before we went to break.
Tinder works like this.
A right swipe means yeah let's get together.
A left swipe means nah that's okay.
Thanks anyhow.
I'm single, I've never used it.
I don't think, if I was single I don't think I'd use it either.
I don't blame Rob.
I've heard too many horror stories.
Yeah, I just, I just, I'm not, that's not in my comfort zone.
I mean, I think that's what you're saying, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, go meet whoever you think you know who it is but you don't know.
You know, yeah, I don't know.
And then I mean what if you just by chance just, you're just not like five people's flavor in a row, right?
Wouldn't you feel like shit?
Like there you are out there in like five people in a row, said nah, no thank you.
Wouldn't you be like fuck.
Man, what the hell happened?
Nobody wants me.
I don't know, it just seems to me like there's too much stuff that could go wrong doing that.
That's just the way I view it, I don't know.
I think a lot of people use it with success.
So anyhow, with this story that I'm about ready to get into, you guys be the judge.
Okay, these are the most swipe to the right.
This means yes, come on over or whatever.
These are right swipe jobs on Tinder.
Okay, number one was web designers at 82%.
I guess they like nerds, right? Web designers?
I guess so, they like the pencil neck geeks.
Okay, the next one, and this is odd, I didn't know that many veterinarians were on the market.
Most veterinarians I know are married and have like fucking six children and ten grandchildren.
But anyhow, veterinarians at 79%.
Next after that are architects and doctors.
They're tied at third place at 72%.
And then this is one that gets me, because this guy, if he came to your door you'd scream for him to leave.
Solicitors at 67% success rate.
But like I said, if that guy came to your door to sell you something, you'd fucking throw something at him probably.
Get the fuck out of here, I ain't buying your shit, go.
But if he's on Tinder you'll swipe right to him or her or whatever.
I find that interesting and odd at the same time.
Alright, so next, the left swipes, my profession, and the left swipe of course means now I'll pass.
So, left swipes on Tinder, mostly, 90% are clergy.
90% saw someone in like one of those clergy outfits and said, no thanks.
I think I get that, don't you get that?
Yeah.
88%, and I definitely get this, are politicians.
What?
85% of the left swipe, as in no thank you, are social influencers.
Is this a true, is this true?
Yeah, yeah, this came out on an article.
I think uh...
That's all I had to know.
Yeah, yeah, it's true.
This is actually a published article that I actually seen on the news, I seen it on Channel 4 last night.
And I was like, you know, that's a good article to kind of get into.
I did not doubt you, I wanted to make sure.
No, this is no joke, for real.
Two years had one thing.
That's gone, you're gone.
Okay, like I said, 85% are influencers, social influencers.
But like I said, social influencers could also double as the unemployed, right?
Right.
Okay.
In their parents' basement.
And, get this, 13% of 366 million people on dating apps said they have found true love on dating apps.
13% of 366 million is, I consider that, for everything it is, a good success rate.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
I mean, it's probably better than a bar.
Yeah, it's probably better than 50.
I mean, I think it's probably better than a bar.
I mean, I've never known anyone to really, I've only known, I mean, you know, I met Val at a bar, but we both knew, you know, a lot of mutual friends, so it wasn't like just like,
Yeah, we're, I'm not gonna go there.
Okay, that's fine.
You know what?
Before Val, I don't want to go there either, so I gotcha.
Let's see.
Here's some more statistics.
2XY.
2XY is a bar?
Yeah, but you also, you also were a club DJ, right?
A what?
A club DJ.
You went to clubs and DJed?
Oh, no, that was while I was with my good wife.
Oh, oh, you didn't do that while you were single.
No, I met two of my ex-wives at bars.
Oh, okay.
Okay, and yes, I can't believe I'm gonna say this to the world.
Okay.
I did meet one of my wives at one of my family unions.
Honest to goodness, truth mark.
Okay, was she related?
No.
Not by marriage, right?
By marriage.
That's fine.
By marriage.
I mean, they even say second and third cousin is all right, but whatever.
I mean, it just depends on how you view it, I guess.
Whatever.
I don't, okay, I don't care.
My cousin was married to her sister.
Okay, okay.
And that's the one, that's the one that has the Patsy Cline show in St. Joe, all about Patsy.
Check her out.
Yep.
Okay, here's what I got.
How many times were you married?
Four.
Oh, I was unaware of that.
Technically.
Okay, that's cool.
No, my relationship with my son's mom was 19 years and we were not married.
Okay.
Would you ever get married again?
Sometimes.
Okay, that's cool.
I like the honest answer, Rob.
I really appreciate the honest answer.
It depends.
It depends on who it is.
No, I love the honest answer.
You know how many people are like, oh, no way, and then the next thing you know they get married.
Yeah, okay.
That's cool.
Good.
That was me in the past.
Yep.
Now you know better, right?
Now I'm never getting married again.
Next joke on me, I'm engaged.
You know better now.
Okay.
I'm too damn old for that crap anymore, man.
No, you know, I mean, yeah.
Yeah, you'll figure out the right one.
They always do come in.
I mean, you know, you're just not quite there yet.
You got some other stuff you got to do in life first.
So...
Yeah, I'm busy working on myself right now.
Yeah.
Which is something I've been doing for a long time.
And that's usually why people are single for an extended period of time like I was before Val.
I wasn't even going to date anymore.
I was like, you know, I don't need to do this.
I was fucking sick of it.
And anyhow, it worked out well for me because I kind of took a hiatus for a couple of years and just did my own thing.
I became somewhat of a hermit.
And it was really kind of neat because whenever I went out, I just went out by myself.
I didn't really hang out with anybody that much, nothing.
It was like soul searching.
I would compare it to soul searching.
And it worked out very well because I got to actually find myself and find what I really wanted instead of what I thought I wanted.
Does that make sense?
Well, that's what I do.
I go to work every day.
I come home.
Okay, I don't have many friends I hang out with.
Sounds like you were kind of like where I was at for a while.
My biggest thing in my life is my work and this podcast.
And my son who was in the other room.
But he's 18 now living his life.
Yeah. Yep.
He's got to go out there and get kicked in the teeth and smacked in the ass like we did.
And he's doing it.
And I'm proud of it.
Yeah, he sounds like a fine young man and it sounds like he did a really good job raising him.
He's a hard worker, man.
Good. Good for him.
Good.
What's his name?
Robert.
Oh, okay.
Let's just call him Bob.
Bob? Okay.
Everybody knows him as Bob.
Okay.
That's cool.
Sometimes you just need to get him on the podcast to say hi.
Yeah, we might do that.
Yeah.
We might do that.
Yeah.
I'll ask him uncomfortable questions, make him squirmish.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
I don't know, man.
I don't know.
You gotta remember, he is my kid.
I may not be able to.
And actually, he may be a little bit better than me.
All right.
You know what?
There's only one way you can find out.
We'll offset that up.
Oh, Topher just sent me another article here.
All I just said there.
We'll cover it tomorrow night.
It looks cool.
Some sort of water bug toe biter, a huge toe biter.
We'll get to it tomorrow.
You're making me mad.
Thank you, Topher.
You'll probably hear this in a day or so.
Okay.
Over 70% of the...
A toe biter, is that what you said?
Something like...
Hang on.
I'm gonna go to my cell phone instead of my desktop.
Oh, shit.
It's a sneaky toe biter, a giant water bug.
I'm gonna have to get to that tomorrow.
Okay.
Oh, man, that's cool.
I'm gonna have to...
I'm gonna say, awesome, man.
Yes.
At this time, we're doing one tonight and one tomorrow night.
Yes.
That's how come we can include it in tomorrow night.
Yeah.
We're gonna have to throw that in tomorrow night.
Okay.
Hang on.
Let me finish the rest of the article, then we can go into some other stuff.
Over 70% of adults under 25 have or still are using dating apps.
As compared to 27% of adults 50 or over, and only 7% of elderly use the app, and this would
be 70 and over.
So that is definitely a younger person game.
Yeah.
And it's also a comfort level too, wouldn't you think?
Yeah.
You know, we're just talking about our comfort level, and we're both over 50, right?
Yeah, a little bit.
Yeah.
Well, the way we just talked.
We're not comfortable with that at all.
In March, I'll be double nifty.
You'll be what?
I'll be 55 in March.
Oh, and 55 in March, okay.
Okay.
All right.
I got another story, and then maybe after that, we can get into the hairy asshole Olympics
if you want.
Yeah, I don't know if we have time, I still have more old west hygiene.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what?
How about if you do old west hygiene, and then we'll go into this story about Twitter.
So go ahead, Rob, the floor is yours.
Let me pull her up real quick.
All righty.
I love these art.
Okay, here we are.
I love these articles, by the way, Rob.
They fit the podcast so well.
Yeah, I think you're going to like this one too.
Oh, I think so.
There was a time when a terrifying epidemic known as syphilis swept through the population
like wildfires.
In the quest for a remedy, medical professionals turned to a substance that seemed to hold
the key, mercury.
Despite the severe side effects, patients endured a grueling routine of daily applications
of mercury ointment.
This reckless treatment could last for years while unleashing many horrors upon the afflicted.
However, people were convinced the treatment was worth it.
Also, Pete Ross and Amy Kinney, for just a few of the devastating consequences, there
was indeed a scary time for daily foot in e-health EP.
Yeah.
Mercury led to like people going insane.
Remember how they still use this term, but not as much as they used to a mad hatter?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The hats just be lined with mercury on the inside.
And people with a hat always seem to go mad because of mercury poisoning.
Yeah, crazy.
So, hmm.
Boy, I just.
I'm not flying anymore.
I'm not flying anymore, buddy.
We've been doing this all for a while.
Oh, that sounds cool.
Good.
All right.
So, let's go back to my Elon Musk story then because everyone seems to love hearing about
his failures, including me.
So.
Yeah, I'm.
I'm.
I used to.
I'm going to run for another ass-pallowing, dude.
Yeah, I used to really like the guy, but not now.
He's turned down.
I need.
I need to go back and find the story.
Yeah, he needs another ass-pallowing.
He needs five or six.
Yeah, the dude is just.
It's like enough, dude.
You suck.
So, OK.
Anyhow, Elon Musk said Monday he's moving to require all users of Twitter or now the
name of his ex to pay a monthly fee to use his social media site, X.
The comments he made during a live stream event on X, which is Twitter, with Israel
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, came as the company struggles to regain trust with
advertisers.
Musk said earlier this month that Twitter, Twitter US ad revenue was down 60 percent.
He has blamed the company's ad challenges on civil rights and consumer groups putting
pressure on big brands.
Musk said the single most important reason is to prevent and combat armies of bots.
The lower tier price will be around eight dollars a month.
Twitter blue has been a flop, so we'll see what happens.
But I do know this.
The army of bots thing is true because the army of bots, the reason Benjamin Netanyahu
the Israeli Prime Minister was talking about it was because people form a lot of hate speech
against certain groups like Israelis or Jews or whatever by getting armies of bots to talk
bad of them on the internet like social platforms and gather steam and hate against them.
And that's what he's talking about and that's what Elon Musk is talking about.
And I do believe that's to be true but I think the eight dollars to me seems a little steep,
don't you?
Yeah, yeah.
Eight dollars a month I think is almost kind of taking advantage of the situation and going
well I'm doing this for the good of everything so I kind of feel like maybe he's taking advantage
of the situation.
Yeah, sounds like it to me.
Yeah, that's the way I view it but who knows.
So anyhow, a little bit ago, the hairy asshole Olympics is coming right up after this.
Two ass bags and a box of Cheez-Its will be right back.
Do they make ear condoms?
I certainly need them for this garbage.
Two douche bags and a microphone, raw and uncensored.
See behind the smoke show.
Watch as the douche bags get stung by a stalk of bees.
Enjoy one of many coffee houses ordering our heroes out.
Watch Mark revisit Clinton, Missouri to claim his innocence for all the mad shitter accusations.
I didn't do it.
I'm not the mad shitter.
Act now and get both high quality DVD sets and a free douche bag calendar.
Mark off today with a douche bag looking at you.
The supplies are limited so act now.
Two douche bags and a microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright.
Well, we had a little technical difficulty there but you guys won't hear it because that will all be cut out.
So here it is ten minutes later and here we are back on the air.
And you won't hear all the cussing.
No, no, no.
Which is probably good because we had some pretty good ones rolling out.
Oh yeah, we did.
Yeah, yeah.
We're pretty clever at cussing.
So, not much else.
But we're clever at cussing.
We make our own things up.
We do.
Yeah.
Oh, I need to come up with an alternate swear words again.
We haven't done that in a while.
Well you do.
It's been a while.
Yeah, I mean I didn't mean to let anybody down but you know what, I'll uh.
I forgot about that.
Yeah, I'll come up with some more of these things because people depend on it, damn it.
People depend on it.
Okay.
So.
We were talking about the hairy asshole Olympics.
So Rob.
You are the hairy asshole connoisseur.
You are the maestro of hairy assholes.
So without any further ado, I welcome to the platform the master of hairy assholes.
The man who practically invented hairy assholes.
The hairy ass prime minister.
Rob Rad.
And I'm telling you, you have not seen mine.
But anyway.
But I do want to state.
His business has been a little slow on the asshole picks.
So we need you guys to pick things up.
Yeah, yeah, for.
Yeah, it's been pretty abysmal lately.
So come on.
And one, we really don't, I still ain't heard from her yet.
Whatever.
That was someone playing a gag on us.
That's what that was.
I think it was.
Yeah, I think that was a scam.
I think so too.
Well, any.
Like I said before.
The.
The prime minister of the hairy asshole.
Mr. Rob Rad.
Yes.
Okay.
Tonight.
We have one woman battle.
And three men battles.
Okay.
So let's go and get the women over with.
Okay.
And it's going to be a hard one, dude.
Okay.
This is going to be a hard one.
Rosie O'Donnell versus Whoopi Goldberg.
Oh.
Damn.
Um.
Dreads.
I think if there's dread on the head, there's a chance.
Rosie was the first one on my list.
I know.
You know what?
I don't want Rosie to go out yet either though.
No.
Well, she's out.
I can bring her back.
Okay.
We might have to bring her back.
I think she deserves a little bit more respect for her hairy asshole.
So, you know.
Okay.
Well, Whoopi Goldberg, thank you.
You've moved on.
Um.
Blah, blah, blah.
Rosie O'Donnell.
Well, thank you for your participation.
And we hope that you do well in your future endeavors, whatever that might be.
Paying handling or, you know, bitching about something or scratching your balls or whatever.
So, thank you, Rosie.
You go back to being a miserable person.
Okay.
Rosie, trust me.
I will bring you back when you're scared.
Okay, Rosie.
You hear that?
You will be back.
Okay.
Oh, here.
Let's go to comedians.
Mr. Jack Black.
Okay.
And Mr. Robin Williams.
Oh.
Wow.
All right.
I'm telling you, dude, we.
Yeah.
We nailed him on this one, didn't we?
Yeah.
Well, we got some.
We got a couple.
At least one that's got ridges going the hell out.
I can't wait to introduce my wild card.
But anyhow.
Me either.
Hopefully it's not the same person.
Okay.
I'm going to go with Robin Williams.
I'm going to go with Robin Williams, even though Jack Black is very hairy, obviously.
Robin Williams just seemed to have hair everywhere more evenly distributed.
Actually.
I think I'd go with Robin, too.
Okay.
Robin Williams.
Wow.
You're going to have to ignore the afterlife at least for another week.
You have moved on through the hairy asshole Olympics.
Jack Black.
We really thank you for your participation in the hairy asshole Olympics.
We wish you well on all your future endeavors.
But you still can get some Hollywood movies, so you may be okay.
Unlike Rosie O'Donnell.
Good.
Oh, I'm done.
Go ahead.
Oh, and Mr. Jack Black.
If Mugs don't bring you back, I will.
I'll probably bring him back.
But you know what?
I mean, we can have like the Legends round.
Do you ever think of that?
Well, yeah, actually we have kind of been discussing that.
Yeah, like the Legends, like the top of the top.
We're like, man, these guys are the best.
And we can, I don't know, we could like have like different tiers.
We don't have to necessarily kick very many people off at all.
We could have like different tiers of them, you know, like this guy reached Legend 1, Hall of Fame, Prime 1 status.
This guy could be like number two Legend Hall of Fame status.
We could do something like that, maybe.
I mean, it's our fucking contest.
We'll discuss it.
Yeah, we'll talk about it.
Okay.
All right.
Next one.
Actually, the next two, I certainly believe I'm losing.
Uh oh.
We got Zach Galifianakis.
Mm hmm.
And then my James Franco.
Um, yeah.
I'm marketing it.
Yeah.
It's hard to beat Zach.
Zach may be...
Let's make it official.
Zach.
Yeah.
It's official.
Yeah, without a doubt.
That dude is so hairy.
Uh, yeah.
Okay.
Honestly, honestly, I am totally surprised James Franco's made it this far.
I thought he'd been booed after we kicked him.
You know, every time we came up with a weird, obscure reason why we kept him, but this time there's no clear-cut evidence to even keep him over...
No, no.
There's no confirmation.
Jack Black might be the all-time winner for all we know.
We don't know.
But he is up there.
That guy is up there.
He's Hall of Fame status at least.
Yeah.
So, um, anyhow.
Okay.
Next one.
And as of for now, our final battle for this evening.
We'll see where this goes.
Okay.
Jason Kelsey.
There's another good one.
Eugene Libby.
Hmm.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh.
Okay.
Old Jewish.
Ooh.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Uh.
Nathan.
Dasquatch.
Well, here's the one thing that I offered before.
And I know Kelsey's my guy, isn't he?
Yeah, Kelsey, yours, and Eugene, his mine.
Okay.
Here's what I can offer against Kelsey, and this is the only thing I can think against Kelsey.
Is this right here.
He has to wear a jockstrap.
Right?
Oh, we have brought that up before.
But his hair game is so powerful.
It is.
Wow.
Yeah, but his hair game is so powerful, it's hard for me to get past all that hair, and
he's been like flying through because he's hairy everywhere, but I honestly think he
has to do something with that thatch down there around his asshole, because that jockstrap
would be getting tangled in there, right?
Okay.
So here's the question.
Yes.
Does he wear a jockstrap?
Um, your guess is as good as mine.
Hey, hey, hey.
I've got to defend your guy too, because he was on my list last time.
Oh yeah, he was, that's right.
Yeah, yeah, so.
Um.
If there was any place he was going to keep cleaning, it would be right there.
Uh huh.
But he gives us no indication.
Jason Levy is on TV, you killed him.
Yeah.
Okay, I think because of that, that Jason Kelsey would at least have to cut some of
it down, if not shave it.
And it's the rich football season, we have cut people because of football.
Yes.
So as much as I hate to do it, as strong as a candidate as he is, I think I'm going
to have to go with Eugene Levy.
Wow.
And that's just because.
I do not see these results coming now that we've talked about it.
Well, every time we talk about it, they're completely different than what we think,
anyhow.
Right.
So I wasn't even thinking like that.
That's what we talked about, that's what this show is about, we talked about it.
I don't even think about it like that anymore because I know by the time we get to talking
about it, it completely changes.
So.
Oh wow, dude.
I don't know, Rob, you make the final decision, but I'm going with Eugene Levy.
Eugene Levy it is.
Okay.
All right.
Because it's football season.
Okay.
So let's see, who do we have?
Okay, now, okay, now.
Okay.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, guess what, Maher.
What?
We are officially down to our final four other than fans.
Okay, the question is, do we bring out our wild cards?
Do we bring out our wild?
Do we bring in our two finalists that's been on the waiting?
You know what?
We don't have a whole lot going on tonight, anyhow.
So let's go ahead and bring our wild cards in right now.
Do you want the wild cards?
Do you want the two finalists?
Or do you want to have both?
Let's have both.
Let's get after it.
We got a minute.
For what day?
I don't know.
Well, we'll find out.
We'll see what we got when we get done.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
All right.
Okay.
Here's our two finalists.
Okay.
Rob Zombie, Danny Trejo.
As much as I love Danny Trejo, and he is just like the best,
he's just this rough and tumble, really just hairy, rigid, meanish kind of guy.
I have three words.
Yeah, go ahead.
Mexican spicy food.
Okay.
So maybe we should go ahead and go with Rob Zombie.
Come on, it's Rob Zombie.
What?
Come on, it's Rob Zombie.
Okay, Rob Zombie.
Yeah, but I love Danny Trejo.
But okay, Rob Zombie, Rob Zombie, it's Rob Zombie.
He'll come back.
Okay, Rob Zombie it is.
I mean, if he's in the other battle.
It's just hard for me to part ways with Danny Trejo, but it's okay.
We'll go with Rob Zombie.
Yeah.
Well, Rob, you want him.
No, no, no, no, no.
Rob Zombie is the clear cut winner.
I got to take my emotions out of this.
It's Rob Zombie.
All righty.
All right.
Now, you mentioned Wild Card.
Yes.
What you got, buddy?
My Wild Card, Rob, is none other than Al Jorgensen of Ministry.
Oh.
He, he, he, he.
I looked at him the other day.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
I'm throwing you for a loop here.
Okay.
Which I know deep down you wrote it.
I've got a Wild Card Wild Card, though.
Okay.
Go ahead and let's see if I have to bring out the Wild Card Wild Card.
Okay.
But the Wild Card Wild Card is unofficial.
I already brought out my Wild Card, but this is the one that I could have went with, but I decided not to, but I'll tell you about it.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Well, I said I had a musician.
Yes.
I truly did.
I know it wasn't Al Jorgensen.
I was gathering that.
Okay.
Um, but after last time we spoke, I did some research on mine.
Mine changed its roots.
Really?
Okay.
So, therefore, I take another Wild Card.
Okay.
So, you was at first, and then you picked another Wild Card.
Okay.
First it was Trent Reznor.
Yes, and he did.
A nine inch nail.
Okay.
That was a good one before.
Well, first picture I seen of him, he had very long hair, very scruffy, but then I just seen new videos.
No.
He's clean cut.
Yes.
And trimmed, didn't.
No.
I had to change that.
His music sucks anymore because he's too happy.
I think he got on Zoloft and ruined his music.
I just seen a picture of him.
Yeah.
You're it.
Okay.
Who's your...
Here we go.
There's somebody I definitely know.
Okay.
Not a musician.
Okay.
George the Animal Steal.
That's a good one.
That's a really good one.
Hmm.
I like both of our Wild Cards.
I do too.
I don't know.
I might lean a little towards George the Animal Steal.
Even though Al Jorgensen is tattooed head to toe and face and has body hair all over.
George the Animal Steal was awesome.
Wasn't he the one that used to get up there and go, meat?
No.
He used to eat the tongue buckle patch.
Yes.
And he had it all the way down his back.
As much as I love Al Jorgensen.
I think George the Animal Steal is a clear cut winner.
Thank you.
Okay.
You want to hear what my Wild Card Wild Card is but I can't introduce her.
Sure.
Lassie.
Who?
Lassie.
The famous dog.
You don't get a hairier asshole than Lassie.
Dude.
Yeah.
Dude didn't I teach you but you should have held off her next round.
She would have worked.
She's famous.
Okay.
Here's what we do.
Whoever wins.
No.
Okay.
Whoever wins goes up against Lassie.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me work on that.
Just keep Lassie alone right now.
Move her alone.
I don't know.
That gal from Natchez might be able to beat out Lassie.
Actually he might.
Okay.
All right.
Well I love our finalists again.
And I can't wait.
I can't wait until the two rounds.
The winner of the first round goes against the winner of the second round because that's
going to be interesting.
So anyhow we'll be right back with I don't know what.
We'll find something to fucking talk to you guys about.
By the way Mark.
Yeah.
You're down to one.
That's okay.
My one guy's solid.
All right.
My one guy's solid.
Hey, we'll be right back.
All right.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Every sock you wear is slightly rotated.
Just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
This is a voice guy from your favorite podcast.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell.
Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce and
old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
I'm Rob.
Okay.
Do you have anything you want to talk about, Rob?
Or I got a couple of stories here.
Talk more.
Okay.
Well, recently the James Webb Space Telescope captured a study new image of what scientists
call a pair of actively forming stars.
The applied viewers were quick to seize an even tinier but to some more intriguing detail
at the very bottom of the frame.
An orange formation in an unmistakable shape of a question mark.
Tale in all.
I encourage anyone to look at this.
It's very cool.
It's really unique looking.
It is a pair of stars that are formed together, but at the bottom of this constellation of
stars, it's a question mark.
It's just put there so beautifully, it's like you're looking at this beauty and then the
question mark like, what is this?
It's very cool and it really kind of puts things in perspective about how little we
know about everything, right?
Yeah.
So, researchers say that what happened is there's two stars that form together.
They say that they do this often when they start forming and they'll join in together
and it'll make some abstract shapes other than the typical star shape that we're used
to, you know, that we're accustomed to.
And the pair of young stars is known as Herbig Hauro 4647, surrounded by a disk of gas and
dust and dotted by distant galaxies and stars in the background.
And it's really cool.
Look it up on the internet so you can really do yourself justice of how cool this thing
is.
It's a neat find and the funny thing is the people that brought the picture didn't even
see it.
It took people like writing in going, hey, you guys know that you have a question mark
there?
And they're all kind of like look around going, oh, I didn't realize that.
And they said they did.
So, anyhow, very cool.
And then I have another one, Rob.
Yeah.
Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift have been a big supposed for about a week and a half.
Yeah, yeah, you can't help it.
Me, I don't give a shit if they're dating or whatever.
I just hope they're happy, whatever they're doing, you know.
So, anyhow.
Hey, hey, hey, we're on a podcast.
I can get my opinion.
Go ahead.
That would be the only reason I would want to put my foot in Travis Kelsey's ass.
Taylor Swift, really, dude?
You got better taste than that.
I've never seen the appeal to her attractiveness, sexuality, nothing.
I just don't think she's not my type at all.
And especially Travis Kelsey.
I mean, he usually likes his women a little bit darker than that if you look up his former
girlfriend.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Honestly, she's a lot hotter than Taylor Swift.
Yes, very much hotter than Taylor Swift.
My opinion, my opinion.
No, no, no, same here.
I agree with you.
And I wished I had her name right now as former girlfriend, but she was smoking.
And Taylor Swift is kind of like, eh.
So I don't know.
I think there's probably an allure of her having her own huge career and bigger than
him.
Don't you think maybe something like that?
Kind of like, well, you know what?
Like a power couple thing, maybe.
Some sort of power couple fantasy that he's trying to live out or something.
If they are dating, they may not be dating though.
So.
Yeah, neither one has come out and said everything I have read.
And you know what?
And that's the funny thing to do too.
Just don't confirm or deny it.
Just lead people.
When I've always loved that tactic where you don't give them anything and let everyone
else fill in the blanks.
Rock stars used to be fucking perfect at it.
They used to be so good at, hey, rumors that you're gay.
And then they'd like kind of change the subject.
They weren't, but they wanted people to talk about it.
And then how many of our rock stars during the 80s contracted AIDS?
Remember that?
Yeah, everyone of them got AIDS.
They're getting ready to die and none of them did.
I guess Ray Gillan did, but he wasn't that big of a rock star.
But anyhow, I mean, he did good.
Anyhow, Travis Kelce isn't taking all of the Taylor Swift romance references to heart.
With the Kansas City Chiefs star responding to NFL Network's Rich Eisen and gained fun
during the win over the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Kelce made his return to action from injury on Sunday, having missed the week one 21-20
loss to the Detroit Lions.
The tied in 33.
I didn't realize he was 33.
Wow.
You see, one touchdown pass from quarterback Patrick Mahomes in a 17-9 win over the Jaguars.
Anyhow, he said that when he tried to give her that bracelet with his number on it, he
said, I was disappointed that she doesn't talk before or after her shows because she
has to save her voice for the 44 songs that she sings.
So I was a little butthurt, but I didn't get to hand her one of the bracelets I made for
her, Kelce said.
She doesn't meet anybody, or at least she didn't want to meet me, so I took it personal.
During Sunday's win over the Jaguars, NFL's Network's Rich Eisen referenced Swift.
Kelce finds a blank space for the score.
Eisen at one point referring to Swift's song, Blank Space.
I remember hearing that too.
I didn't know it was her song, but I guess all of a sudden the internet lit up and said
when Rich Eisen said Blank Space, people realized that that was her song and that was a reference
to her.
Eisen added, you saw it on Thursday night when Travis Kelce wasn't in there, he left a blank
space, but I think he returns today and proves to be the anti-hero and never goes out of
style is what Rich Eisen said, which I agree.
And Iso also shared a video on his Instagram teasing Kelce with a ding noise for every
Swift reference.
Well played Rich, well played, Kelce wrote.
I know what you writers want to hear and you want to hear more about that and I'm not going
to give you anything Kelce said in an interview with NFL Plus on September 15th.
It's not just Travis Kelce being inundated with questions over the potential romance
with Swift.
Brother Jason Kelce has also been asked.
I've seen these rumors and I cannot comment.
Jason 35 told panelists and retired NFL star Tony Gonzalez.
That's funny, Tony Gonzalez is even asking.
Jason Kelce added, ever since catching Kelce, you know that Gonzalez and Travis Kelce are
good friends.
You know they're both Hall of Fame tight ends for the Kansas City Chiefs.
Ever since catching Kelce, everybody's, and that was his reality show where everyone's
trying to find true love with him.
He said, I don't know what's going on in there, but Travis is having fun and we'll see what
happens whoever he ends up with is what Jason Kelce said and I agree with Jason Kelce.
Anyhow, I think that's probably about all I've got for tonight.
You got anything you want to add Rob?
Yeah, I have a breaking story.
Oh, yeah.
And this comes from LillardIronHeroics.com.
Okay.
Former Dallas Cowboys longtime starters times with their rival.
A former longtime starter for the Dallas Cowboys with a team that has given the Cowboys headaches
for the previous two winners.
Okay.
According to Adam Schiffler of ESPN, quarterback Anthony Brown is saying to the San Francisco
49ers, 53-man roster.
Okay.
Brown suffered a torn Achilles during the 2022 season.
The Cowboys drafted Brown in the sixth round of the 2016 NFL Draft.
He was with the Cowboys through the 2022 season.
He made 69 starts in Dallas.
Brown recorded 324 total tackles, nine interceptions, five four spumbles during his time with the
Cowboys.
Okay, wow.
Yeah, they were great.
When I first read it, it was two minutes old.
I worked about eight to ten minutes.
Okay, well, you know what?
That is breaking news.
And the 49ers are still adding more.
They're adding depth to their already great defense.
So they're going to be a team to contend with with Brock Purdy.
If Brock Purdy stays healthy.
I do too.
It reminds me of Tom Brady's early years where Tom Brady did just enough to win and not enough
to lose.
You know what I mean?
You know, that interception or nothing.
He became a gunslinger later on in his career.
But when he first got out there replacing Drew Bledsoe, he just did enough to win.
He didn't do anything to screw the game up.
So Brock Purdy kind of reminds me of Tom Brady back then when he first got to the NFL.
So we shall see.
It's a long season.
Yeah.
Yes.
That's kind of what I was thinking.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry.
I thought you said hold on a second.
I was agreeing with you.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Well, everybody have a good night and we will be back tomorrow to do a podcast.
But you'll hear that in a few days.
So there.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Thanks for listening.
Yep.
Bye.
Hey, where do they go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh, my God.
Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.