Live in the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the
banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River, it is Two Douchebags
and Microphone Podcast.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors and horrible pranks?
The fuck is wrong with these guys?
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
So let me see.
Let's say I was offended by people being offended.
Then would people being offended all the time have to not be offended around me because
I was offended by them being offended?
Hmm.
I may never know.
Hey look, I think we found land.
Oh my god, I think we're safe.
Oh no!
It's the island of horrible jokes.
I'm gonna kill you!
Alright!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies?
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.
Hi everybody, it's Two Douchebags and Microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright.
Well, we have some hairy asshole Olympics coming up here.
So what do you think?
Oh my god, that would be fun.
Should we go ahead and get right into them or do you want to do a couple of stories before that?
Hey, why don't you do a story or two and let me dive into these lists?
Okay.
Alright.
So I can start getting lined up here?
Alright.
Thank you, brother.
In Atlanta, a Delta pilot allegedly had to make an emergency landing back to the origin
city where passengers' loose bowels resulted in diarrhea all the way through the plane.
A supposed snippet of the pilot's call was shared on social media.
Delta Flight 194 was on its way from Atlanta to Barcelona Friday evening.
The group left Hartsfield Jackson Atlanta International Airport just before 8.30 p.m.
FlightAware shows that typically 8-hour to 9-hour flight ended 6 hours early.
They were back on the ground by 10.40 p.m.
It's just a biohazard issue the pilot could be heard saying over the radio in the snippet.
We've had a passenger had diarrhea all throughout the airplane and they want us to come back to Atlanta.
Delta did not confirm the diarrhea detail but issued the following statement to Fox 5.
Delta Flight 194 from Atlanta to Barcelona returned to Atlanta following an onboard medical issue.
Our teams worked as quickly and safely as possible to get our customers to the final destination.
We sincerely apologize to our customers for the delay and inconvenience of their travel plans.
So, that would suck.
Imagine being on a plane where someone has diarrhea so bad it's explosive and it goes
all up and down the plane and it was so bad that it was a biohazard issue to where they had to turn the plane around
and go back to Atlanta two hours into the flight.
Damn!
Yeah, would that not be horrible?
Yeah, that would be.
Yeah.
Geez.
Yep, so anyhow I'm glad I went on that plane.
Yeah.
Well, this next story, Gen Z is not really wanting to go to college now.
They're kind of afraid to it sounds like.
Consumed with pandemic-era grief, Gen Z's apathy towards attending college has grown,
even influenced the students as young as middle schoolers.
The new White Post report found two in five Gen Z students agreed with a statement,
the pandemic has made me less interested in pursuing higher education.
Middle school students generally 11 to 13 years old not only contribute to the trend,
but also lead the view that work experience is more valuable.
The attitude has translated into an 8% decline in college enrollment from 2019 to 2022,
showing how attending college is no longer a given for Gen Z.
Seeing the way many millennials are saddled with insurmountable debt from the higher education system
and knowing their online lives and other paths are possible,
these high school and even middle school students are reconsidering if they even need college
to be successful, White Post wrote in their report.
Gen Z advocates Bill Familia, co-founder and chief officer of SoundMind,
Bella Santos, community leadership board president of the Conversationalist,
and Ian Gates, policy and program quality fellow of the Opportunity Project Tulsa,
talked about key takeaways from the report.
And so, I mean who can blame them?
I know so many people that are just fucking strapped with all this college debt
and they have no way of paying it because the fill that they were going to either doesn't pay as well as they thought,
or it isn't there anymore, it dried up, or it's outdated before they even got done with their classes.
So, I get it.
Eh.
Yep.
Well, I got another little story here.
Alright. Alright.
Alright, are you ready for the Asshole Olympics?
Because I'm about ready for a hairy asshole Olympics.
You know what Rob, let's just...
No, no, go ahead with your story, I'm doing the finals.
Okay, okay, that's cool.
We're about to have some fun buddy, and I'm about to wipe your ass out.
Oh, I know, I know, you've been coming on strong with the hairy asshole Olympics.
I'm going to go back to the drawing board because this next round that I'm in, you're not doing it again.
I'm going to wipe your ass.
I know, I got some others lined up for that one too.
Alright, I'm ready for number three.
I'm taking a chainsaw.
Starting number two and I'm ready for number three.
I'm going to take a chainsaw to your asshole buddy.
It's done. It's done.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Do you want me to tell my story first or do you want to just go ahead?
Yeah, no, go ahead, go ahead and do your story.
Okay.
Go ahead and do your story.
Coast Guard...
Okay, Coast Guard arrests a man trying to run a giant hamster wheel across the Atlantic.
No kidding, he has this very elaborate looking hamster wheel looking thing.
With a bunch of inflatables in the middle.
Oh my God, everybody.
Okay, I'm going to grab a minute.
Go ahead, what were you going to say?
No, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Okay.
Try as he might, Reza Bacheli can't reach his destination without running afoul of the US Coast Guard.
The key problem is his vessel.
A giant floating hamster wheel made of buoys and wire self-propelled by Baluchi running inside.
Baluchi, who lives in Florida after being granted asylum from Iran,
was taken in by Coast Guard last week aboard his vessel following several days of back and forth with the authorities.
According to a criminal complaint filed in the US District Court in South Florida,
the Coast Guard cutter, the lion, came across Baluchi as his, I think it's Baluchi,
but his homemade vessel about 70 nautical miles east of Tybee Island, Georgia on August 26th
as the Coast Guard was preparing for Hurricane Franklin.
He told officers his destination was London, England, more than 4,000 miles away.
Baluchi, or whatever his name is, was asked for the vehicle's registration.
He said it was registered in Florida, but that he couldn't find the registration, according to the complaint.
The Coast Guard assessed Baluchi's vessel, known as a hydro pod,
and determined he was conducting a manifestly unsafe voyage,
according to Coast Guard Special Agent Michael Perez in the complaint, which does not identify Baluchi's starting point.
The officers then approached Baluchi in a small boat and instructed him to join them.
They were ending his voyage due to it being unsafe.
Baluchi replied that he had a 12-inch knife that would attempt to kill himself,
but the officers attempted to remove him from his vessel, according to the complaint.
The officers returned to the cutter and stayed nearby.
When the officers tried again over the next day or so to get Baluchi to join them in the small boat,
Baluchi displayed two knives and threatened to hurt himself if the officers boarded the vessel.
Baluchi also threatened to blow himself up along with the vessel.
The officers saw him holding wires in his hand and believed him, the complaint says.
The following day, a second Coast Guard cutter named Campbell arrived
and sent a small boat to Baluchi to deliver food, water, and word that the hurricane was expected,
Baluchi refused again to leave his vessel and told the officers that the bomb wasn't real.
On August 29, the Campbell once more set a small boat
and this time was able to safely remove Baluchi from his floating hamster wheel.
Baluchi was brought ashore to Miami Beach last Friday where he was released on a $250,000 bond.
This is not his first try. He tried this a few times before in his homeland and was unsuccessful.
Well then that's cheap.
Yeah.
He tried before, that's cheap.
So anyhow, Baluchi could not get it done and they probably saved his life
given that a hurricane was coming right for him.
So, anyhow, we will be right back with the Harry Asshole Olympics. Stay tuned.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Every sock you wear is slightly rotated. Just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Lay, you press A too hastily and be forced to speak with a nurse at the Pokemon Center all over again.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Lay, you not be able to gain an erection without thinking about Peter Dinklage.
Alright, two dudes bags and microphone on Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, as promised before.
The Harry Asshole Olympics part two.
Oh my god, this is going to be a battle.
Yes it is.
And remember, I just got done threatening Rob with my next bout of asshole.
Asshole ease.
So, this is going to be quite a battle.
Can you stop talking to me?
Rob's over there. He's like in the ring right now.
I still have my wild card man.
He's over there with his championship belt on.
He's got his nice new boots and his boxers and he's fucking skipping around the ring and jumping rope.
And I'm over there in the corner fucking sticking my fist, waving my fist at him saying I'm going to win.
I'm coming after you Rob.
So.
I mean come on man. I got people like Eugene Levy on my list.
You got Betty from the Archies.
Betty from the Archies is a great choice.
And so is Betty from the Flintstones.
You're right.
Yes.
I stand by both those picks.
No, you have a lot of good ones.
You do.
Yeah, you do too.
I'm not going to take that from you.
Okay.
But you have better ones but that's going to change.
You wait.
Hey, you're the best guy.
I am throwing the gauntlet down and I'm here by saying I'm picking it up and I am going to scorch Rob on this next round after this.
Let's see about that.
Rob, go ahead with your number one.
I have a good imagination my friend.
I know you do.
Which is excellent for this show.
Okay.
Well, let's get this battle out of the way.
All right, Rob, let's do it.
You're to cartoon Betty.
Betty from the Archies.
Betty from the Flintstones.
Yep.
Who's it going to be?
Betty from the Flintstones.
Cavewoman.
Yeah, yeah.
Cave Dweller all the way.
Cave Dweller wins.
All right.
Number two.
I'm trying to find a good one for that one.
Okay.
Let's see here.
Oh, shit.
Well, that was two off your list so let's take two off mine.
All right.
Let's do it.
Let's go.
Dustin Hoffman, Robin Williams.
Okay.
There's different ways we can look at this.
Dustin Hoffman is old.
He probably doesn't keep up with his hygiene.
Robin Williams had a very hairy chest and probably back hair and leg hair and probably asshole hair.
No, he did have hairy back.
He had hairy everything.
So.
I know that.
Okay.
I'm going to go ahead and go with Robin Williams because of the hairiness.
My vote.
Robin Williams.
No, Robin Williams is a very hairy individual.
He really was.
Yes.
Yep.
So Robin Williams wins.
All right.
Oh, shit.
Now I got to jump back and forth here.
So far we're unanimous.
All righty.
Dude, we had a pretty good band session going until you threw one in and it fucked everything up.
Which one did I throw in to fuck it up?
New Kids on the Block.
Sorry.
It had to be done.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey.
It was them or Hanson.
It was them or.
New Kids on the Block or Up on the Block right now.
Okay.
It could have been Hanson, but I refrained.
Yeah.
That's right.
I would have let Hanson make it through.
I know.
I refrained.
I would have voted against him.
New.
I see him in concert, dude.
Oh, you did?
Are you okay?
Yeah, well, they were with America up in St. Joe.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
That's forgiven.
They were young.
Okay.
All right.
That's forgiven.
Anyway.
All right.
Next one.
Okay.
New Kids on the Block.
Now, that's it.
I'm knocking these dudes out now.
Okay.
Twisted Sister.
All the way.
Yep.
Bye-bye.
Bye, New Kids.
Sorry.
Go fuck off.
Good luck on your next ventures.
Yeah.
Yep.
You don't get this gig, New Kids, even though you're looking for one.
All righty.
Next one.
Let's see here.
Where should my dog get shit?
That's a good one to choose from, man.
Yeah, we've got some good ones out there.
Oh, dude.
That one right there could be a finale.
Okay.
Just save it, then.
Oh, no.
They're...
Well, we'll figure that.
Okay.
Let's go.
Seth Nick Farland.
Okay.
Tim Allen.
Couple comedians.
Yep.
I'm going to go with Tim Allen because he went to prison.
Yeah.
He had to keep it clean there for a while while he was in prison, but when he got out,
he felt that freeze.
Well, I think he grew it in prison as protection.
I think he tied his asshole up in knots.
That could be true.
I think he tied his asshole up here up in knots to keep from any type of penetration
while he was unaware.
Like sleeping.
That's what it could be.
All right.
Tim Allen it is.
All righty.
Once again, we look to Rob for the next two Battle Royales.
Okay.
Let's go.
James Franco.
Jason Bateman.
I'm going to go with Franco.
Yeah, I think I got to go Franco too.
He's a little hairier.
Yeah.
He looks like he's a little hairier.
Although I think Jason Bateman is cool enough to grow his asshole hair out too.
I think that-
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
He's got that attitude to do it.
Yeah.
But I just think that Franco has more asshole hair abundance.
Yeah.
I did too.
So, okay.
Let's see here.
Dude, we got some doozies here.
I'm trying to put them together.
I'm pretty proud of our list, both our lists, especially yours.
Oh man.
No, no.
Actually, I'm sitting here looking at your list and my list trying to bounce them off
each other.
Uh-huh.
It's pretty hard, man.
Okay.
Well, I'm still trying to figure out who I'm going to pin in up against off your list.
What?
Is this your wild card?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
There's somebody on my list.
I just- I may have pinned these two up and that could be a final and I don't want that.
Yeah, yeah.
We don't want to-
Okay.
Yeah.
Let's go Russell Crowe.
Okay.
I'm just throwing a name out there.
Okay.
I'm looking at Alec Baldwin.
Okay.
You want to go Russell Crowe, Alec Baldwin?
Yes.
That's what I'm looking at.
Okay.
Alec Baldwin is old, disheveled, and just fucking nasty.
But Russell Crowe is tougher.
I'm still- I'm going to go with Alec.
Russell Crowe is gladiator.
Oh shit.
You know what?
No, no, no.
I changed my vote.
Alec Baldwin is getting ready to go to prison.
Okay.
Russell Crowe wins.
And it's not close.
Is that an agreement?
Agreement.
Alrighty.
Next one.
Let's get to a band.
Okay.
Quiet Riot with Kevin DeBro.
Uh-huh.
Allison Change.
Oh.
Just because I think Kevin DeBro, God rest his soul, could have beaten anybody at Allison
Change.
But I don't think the rest of the band can hold up to the rest of Allison Change.
But by sheer number of people, I think that Allison Change wins this.
On that note, I'll give it to you.
Okay.
Alrighty.
Kevin DeBro.
Kevin DeBro cannot hold it on his own.
No, no, no.
Because the rest of the band looked like a bunch of hairless twinks.
Except for Kevin DeBro.
Yeah, Kevin carried them.
So anyhow, Kevin, thank you for participating in the A**hole Olympics.
You're welcome to go back to the grave where you came from.
And thank you very much for participating.
Alrighty.
Next up.
Whoopi Goldberg.
Jamie Lee Curtis.
Whoopi.
Well, I had to have women.
Yes.
Well, I think Jamie Lee Curtis.
I think they're going like one other woman on the...
No.
Oh, wait a second.
Okay.
I think they're going like one other woman battle I did not see.
Okay.
Do you want to do that one next?
We'll do that in a minute.
Okay.
I'm going to go with Whoopi Goldberg because Jamie Lee Curtis has always been very well
groomed and very well dressed.
High heels, long legs.
I think that she cares about her appearance.
And I think Whoopi Goldberg does not care about her appearance.
One word.
Yes?
Dread.
Oh.
Dread.
Okay.
Whoopi it is.
All right.
Okay.
Let's get this final female battle out of the way.
Okay.
And let these...
Oh no.
Wait a second.
I got another female on my...
Oh shit.
Okay.
Now let's take that one out.
Okay.
Let's do this.
Okay.
I'm going to go with Whoopi Goldberg.
Okay.
I'm going to go with Whoopi Goldberg.
Okay.
I'm going to go with Whoopi Goldberg.
Okay.
I'm going to go with Whoopi Goldberg.
Okay.
Off your list, let's go Paula Abdul.
Okay.
Off my list, Adele.
Oh.
Hmm.
I'm going to go with Paula Abdul just because she's darker.
And she like half Arabic.
She's got like dark, really long, dark, thick hair.
Adele is blonde-ish.
She's like Puerto Rican.
Oh, was I?
Okay.
Well, whatever she is, I think...
I'm sorry, stop.
Anyway.
I think her hair is darker and thicker and stands out more than Adele's.
So I'm going to go with...
Well, I'm also running off the article I had you read on our last podcast.
About Adele shaving her legs.
Oh yeah.
That's right.
Well, yeah, that's true.
Paula Abdul was...
Wasn't she like an LA Laker before she was...
You know what?
Yeah.
She was an LA Laker cheerleader.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to go with Adele because I think Paula Abdul was a cheerleader and all that.
I think that she has grooming methods that she's kept ever since being a LA Laker cheerleader.
As much as I love Paula Abdul, I think I'm going to have to go with Adele on this one
too.
Okay.
Adele it is.
Thank you, Paula Abdul.
Yeah, I was really expressing on that one.
Yeah, it was.
It took a while.
You know what?
I mean, we had to come up with a clear cut winner and I think we proved it with a preponderance
of evidence.
Yeah, we had to have someone out.
Yes.
And I'm proud of us.
We were troopers.
We talked it over and we came up with the best possible person.
And if anybody else has any differences on this, email us.
Let us know your opinion.
And the email will be doucheb66 at yahoo.com.
That is D-O-U-C-H-E-B-6-6 at yahoo.com.
Don't be bashful.
Send in your comments.
So and okay, so let's see.
Or just send in anything.
You got something you want to say?
Send it in.
Yeah, anything.
Let's go to your wife.
Yeah, you want to call me a stupid motherfucker?
Number one, I'll tell you yes, you're probably right.
Number two, I'll say thanks for listening.
Number three, I'll read what you had to say after that.
So anyhow.
Tell me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Yeah.
I don't care.
I just want to know you're alive and breathing.
Yeah.
Yep.
You want to know if I actually have white hair on my nuts or not?
Ask me.
I can answer that.
Oh yeah, do I?
Yeah.
Actually, I don't.
Oh, you did?
I've not developed any gray or white hair on my nutsack.
I'm very happy about that.
Well, you did.
But if I did, I would welcome it.
40 years ago.
Yep.
I might have died him.
I might have died him back then if I ever had the chance.
But yeah, anyhow.
I don't know.
I don't know either.
I really don't know.
I'm just full of shit.
Anyhow.
Okay.
Next one.
Okay.
Huh?
Damn dude, you got one out of the blue that I really don't have no way to hook him up
with.
Who is it?
Bernie Sanders.
Okay, I got one.
Against Mitch McConnell.
Two politicians.
Both old.
Well, he ain't on our list.
Oh, he isn't?
No.
Bernie is, but Mitch isn't.
I'm trying to knock out our list.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Forget it then.
All right.
Just damn, I don't know who they're all about.
I'll come up with somebody.
Give me a minute.
Okay.
Just so everybody knows, we're making these battles up as we go, right?
As we're speaking.
Yes.
It's funnier like this, I think.
Oh my God.
Yeah, because I'm looking over your names.
I'm looking over my names.
Okay.
Let's get this dude out of the way.
Zach Galifianakis.
Uh-huh.
He's one I'm very proud of.
Well, then let's put him against somebody I'm very proud of.
Okay.
Russell Brand.
I'm going to go with Galifianakis because that guy's bad.
Hold on.
Do what?
That's a battle either way.
Yeah, but I'm going with Galifianakis because you don't come across beards like that normally.
That beard is a work of art.
That thick ass and his thick eyebrows and his thick fucking curly hair.
I mean, his asshole hair is thought to be nuts.
Yeah, but Russell Brand just don't give a shit about nothing.
Yeah.
But I don't think that Galifianakis does either.
Yeah.
Good point.
Yeah.
I'm going to stick with Galifianakis just by sheer abundance of hair on his face and chest.
I'm going to say that his asshole hair probably just looks like a fucking raging rainforest down there.
Oh my God.
I can't believe it.
What?
I figured Russell Brand would have made it in the top four.
Yeah.
Sorry Russell, I'll bring you back, I promise.
All right.
Zach, thank you very much.
You're going on to the next round of the hairy asshole Olympics.
Russell Brand, we'll be talking to you.
We hope you have some movies coming up and we hope you're doing well.
And thank you and good luck on your future endeavors.
And Russell, I promise, I will bring you back in hairy asshole Olympics.
Okay.
Russell nodded his head.
He's like, yep.
He's going to lay low.
He's ready.
I don't know.
I think Russell Brand would be into this.
I think he would too.
Yeah, he'd enjoy this.
Yeah.
Okay, let's get on to football.
Okay.
Yes.
And both these are off your list.
Okay.
Carson Wentz, Jason Kelsey.
Jason Kelsey because he has got such thick hair.
Oh, Jason all the way.
Yeah.
Carson Wentz is a ginger.
He's a ginger.
I just don't see how much hair is sprouting from him.
Honestly, I just, I've been, I listened to our last two, which announced both of our
lists.
We had a lot of gingers on our list.
We did.
It's not making it through.
I know.
Actually, Zach Galifianakis is kind of a ginger.
Yeah, he kind of is.
Yeah.
But, all right.
Okay.
Where do we go from here?
Let's go.
Okay.
Jim Belushi.
Okay.
Burt Reynolds.
Oh.
Oh my God.
Why did I say that?
Now that I think of it, I'm just throwing names out there.
Now that I think about it, that's a rough one.
Do you have any way you're leaning?
Because I'm not sure.
If it was John Belushi?
Yeah.
Jim?
I'm not so sure about.
Yeah.
He, you know he's hairy.
Just not quite sure how hairy.
And Burt, Burt was known to be very hairy.
I think I gotta go with Burt Reynolds.
Okay.
Okay, Burt Reynolds it is.
You agree?
Yeah, I agree.
I agree.
Actually I was going to change it anyhow, so okay.
All right, Burt Reynolds, thank you for participating.
You're going to go on to the next round.
Next one please.
Okay, I gotta do this.
Okay.
Keith Richards.
Neil Young.
Ooh, that's a good one.
I'm going to go, even though Keith Richards is old and probably has asshole hair everywhere,
and he loves it and he likes making people clean it and stuff, I'm sure.
Take pictures, braid it, etc.
I think that, you know what, I don't know.
What do you think, Rob?
Okay, here's my thought smoke.
I gave Neil Young props on the last one because he had the balls to call out Leonard Skinner.
Yeah, okay.
That means you got hair on your ass.
Yeah, I would agree.
But you're not Keith Richards.
You ain't 280 years old.
All right.
I gotta go with Keith.
I gotta go with Keith too.
As much as I'd love to give Neil, but you know what, I believe Leonard Skinner beat Neil out too, so bye-bye, Neil.
Bye-bye, Neil.
All right, next one.
Okay.
You have two more women on your list.
Okay.
Kim Thal.
No, Kim Thal is Salengarden.
Oh! Oh, shit!
He's the really hairy, long-haired guy.
Gotcha.
Yeah.
I'm back.
Well, I looked at Kim Thal and brought some chicks.
Did you spell it right?
K-Y-M, I think is it, not K-I-M?
Oh, I don't know.
Anyhow, doesn't matter.
Go ahead.
I brought some chicks.
Well, never mind then.
All right, who is Kim Thal against?
Let's go.
Did you look up Danny Coker?
Yes, I did.
Let's put Kim Thal against Danny Coker.
Sleeps in a coffin.
Yep.
How many more do we have left?
Oh.
What did you say?
I'm done.
Okay.
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Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
I will rescue you.
But my mom told me to not burn trash.
Hello.
This is Satan.
You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than
listening to two douchebags in microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.
Enjoy.
Bye.
Music
That's where I was gonna go.
She was with Eddie.
Rosie's just Rosie.
Yeah, Rosie's just a fucking blob of shit.
Rosie moves on.
Valerie Bertinelli, thank you.
We wish you luck on your future endeavors and we're sorry about your loss of Edward.
Have a great night.
Next.
David Letterman.
Eugene Levy.
I'm gonna go with Letterman.
Because he looks like Captain Caveman with that beard and he's old.
I don't know.
Eugene Levy, the Jewish.
He really don't, you can tell, he really don't care about himself.
But David at the same time, dude, there's a rough one.
Yeah, you wanna flip a coin?
Give me Eugene with heads.
Okay.
Eugene wins.
You're on a roll, you've won like the last four.
Dude, that's funny, Eugene won it on heads the last time.
Wow.
Alright.
Okay, next.
Oh my God.
We're getting down to brass backs here, buddy.
Okay.
Alright.
Yeah.
Actually, they're really nice.
Okay, let's get the final band out of the way.
Okay.
Skid Row versus Gothsnet.
Okay, now.
Have you seen any recent pictures of Sebastian Bach?
I don't know how recent.
Oh, I mean he looks like a bag of fried shit.
Oh.
I mean he's like kind of overweight and kind of bloated looking.
He still has a long hair.
He's still got that kind of fucking whiny fucking high voice.
Yeah.
So I'm gonna say that Godsmack is gonna win.
You think Godsmack's gonna win?
Alright.
Yeah, and here's why.
I think that...
No, you know what?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm thinking wrong.
Skid Row is older and they don't give a shit.
I think Godsmack is almost like millennial generation,
and I think that they keep everything all prim and proper down there.
Okay.
I think Skid Row wins because they don't give a shit.
They're Xers, they're Generation Xers.
They're headed into retirement.
I mean they're all like 60 something, and they don't give a fuck.
They still got long hair, and they're still like nutty,
and I think if they grow ass hair out, just have Groupie's fucking comit.
I'm going with Skid Row.
Yeah, last pick as I see it.
Okay.
He's singing Godsmack.
Yeah.
Had the beard, nicely trimmed, facial hair.
Ah, okay.
That doesn't fly.
I'm definitely saying Skid Row.
Sebastian Bach.
Uh-huh.
Looked like he could have 30 birds nests in his hair.
Yes.
Matter of fact, you have your phone right there?
Look up recent images of Sebastian Bach, and you tell me if he doesn't.
All right.
Well, while I'm doing that, check out how tall I am.
All right.
Let's go...
Oh, my God.
What?
Okay.
Do you remember that picture of Silabow?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
That picture versus Jack Black.
Ooh.
Oh.
I almost say I want to go with Shy Laboe.
But I'm going to stick with the script.
Jack Black.
Okay.
I think every day I got to go with Jack Black.
Mm-hmm.
And then, Laboe, I've been talking about during that picture, during that...
Uh-huh.
That was a...
Jack Black has been in Jack Black all his life.
Exactly.
I agree.
All right.
Jack Black has won that one, I guess.
Yep.
All right.
Shy Laboe.
Laboe.
Not Laboe.
Shy Laboe for Blaboe or whatever the fuck.
Or whatever his name is.
Yeah, you're free to go on and do more shitty movies.
Thank you for your participation.
Have a good night.
All right.
We got another one left?
Yeah.
We're down to our final battle.
Oh, okay.
And...
Does it need air drum?
No.
I don't know how this happened.
Okay.
Because I didn't have a good match for that one and I didn't have a good match for that
one, so now they're up against each other.
Okay.
You're gonna love it.
All right.
One's for your list and one's for mine.
Okay, good.
Bernie Sanders...
Off your list.
Uh-huh.
And my last person, Ozzy.
Oh!
Wow.
This is a good battle for just like being makeshift.
Okay.
Yeah, they boiled down to tonight.
Like I said, Ozzy got a lot of street cred for being able to shit everywhere according
to Gieser Butler's book.
He was like the mad shitter of fucking Birmingham.
Come on, come on, man.
Ozzy pissed on the Alamo.
On the Alamo.
I'm going with Ozzy all the way.
I thought about that earlier today.
I had a battle for him either way, no matter who he faced.
Okay.
He pissed on the Alamo.
That dude's got some ass there.
Okay.
Ozzy has won that.
Okay.
Alright.
I think you guys...
I'll get that...
I'll narrow down the list.
I'll get it back to you, brother.
Alright, that sounds great.
Oh, oh, hang on.
Two, four, six, seven.
Two, four, six, eight, ten, twelve, fourteen.
Oh!
What?
I'm a little better at it, buddy.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll show you what I sent you the picture.
Okay.
So, alright.
What you got?
What have I got?
Yes.
For what?
Well, we're just playing stuff here.
We asked about...
Oh, okay.
You're talking about more stuff coming up?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Let's see here.
Let me find something here.
Let's see.
Oh!
I've got the Harry Asshole Olympics light.
What?
Yes.
These are like really horrible candidates against each other.
You want to hear them?
Okay.
I don't know why you don't say please, but alright.
No, these are not winners.
None of them are winners.
They're just weird little pairings.
Okay.
This sounds good.
My first one is Howard Stern versus Robin Quivers.
I've got to go with Stern.
I'm going to go with Stern also.
Second one...
You've got to get Talley, isn't this?
No.
These guys are not moving on.
They're little one-offs that I did one day.
Ricky Martin versus Justin Bieber.
I'm going to go with Bieber.
I could see both of them watching.
That's probably why they're both watching.
Yeah.
You see that?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Ricky is Hispanic, but I can still see him waxing.
I think he would wax, and I think Bieber would wax too.
Bieber is just a pretty boy.
Yes.
I think maybe Ricky Martin.
Yeah, I'll give it to Ricky.
Ricky at least had a little stubble.
Yes.
Okay.
At one point.
That's a good point.
Next one...
Jimmy Kimmel versus Jimmy Fallon.
Oh, damn.
I think Fallon wins.
Yeah, I think I'm going to have to give it to Fallon too.
All right.
Just by the way they look, I would go with Fallon.
Yeah.
Okay.
Next one...
Donald Trump versus Joe Biden.
Trump also.
Trump all the way, baby.
Trump.
All right.
Next one...
Lizzo versus Miley Cyrus.
I'm going to go with Lizzo even though she probably hires people to shave her asshole.
I think Miley Cyrus can get to her asshole a little bit better than Lizzo.
I think I might have to go with you on that.
All right.
Lizzo it is.
The exact same reason.
Yep.
Next one...
Battle of the fast food.
Ronald McDonald versus Wendy.
Two gingers and two mascots for two competing fast food restaurants.
Ronald.
Finally, last but not least...
Joe Burrow versus Josh Allen.
Oh.
I'm going to have to give it to Josh Allen.
Me too.
Because I'm tired of hearing Joe Burrow's name.
Okay.
Yeah.
You know what?
I can agree with you 100%.
All right.
Josh Allen is darker hair.
Yeah.
A little bit of beard.
Yeah.
All right.
Josh Allen it is and I agree with you.
And those go nowhere.
They're one-offs that I thought would be fun to run against each other and that's all.
Those were fun.
Yeah.
And we can do more light ones too.
Yeah.
They're not going to win anything but pitting against each other is kind of funny.
Yeah.
Because most of them really don't have hairy asses.
No.
I agree.
We're just making fun of them at that point.
Yep.
Last but not least in today's podcast is John Karabi identifying with John 5 of Motley Crew.
Oh.
All right.
You know a lot of people have been going to John Karabi about all the Motley stuff because
he was a member for a while.
You've been reporting a lot about that lately.
Yes I have.
All of the studio updates crew have given throughout 2023 featured John 5 insinuating
that he's Mars replacement within the group entirely.
Karabi discussed the lineup change during an interview with On the Road to Rock podcast
after being asked if the band has plans to reissue Motley Crew in 2024 for its 30th anniversary.
And this is one with John Karabi is just simply titled Motley Crew the self titled album.
And he said I try not to get involved in anything Motley.
I get to ask questions.
I answer them move on.
But honestly from where I'm standing Motley's gone out of their way to remove myself and
part of their history from their history.
So it is what it is the vocalist shared.
Karabi then praised John 5 and said he loves and respects him.
Thought he though he admitted he isn't surprised by any of the drama that went on between crew
and Mars.
And Mick Mars was said that he was still wanted to be a part of the band and that he wanted
to write music and do albums with him.
But he just didn't want to tour.
OK can I interrupt you right there?
Yeah go ahead.
Just a lot of people when you think about Motley Crew you don't think about John Karabi.
You don't think about 5.
You think about the originals.
Yes I agree.
But those of us that know them know what happened.
Yes.
And we know who did what.
Mm hmm.
Just throwing that out there.
No you're right.
So anyhow John Karabi went on to say John 5 has got big shoes to fill.
He's kind of stuck in this and trust me I get it.
Because I was stuck in this shitty place as well.
Between Motley Crew and whoever was being replaced fans he continued.
I had to deal with the fans that were massive and still fans and I get it.
And it was awkward at times to sit and listen to the guys do interviews where they went
out of their way to slag Vince.
I didn't even know the guys so I had nothing shitty to say about him.
And anyhow Motley Crew's Nicky Six still said we never saw it coming and Mick Mars wasn't
going to be able to tour.
The vocalist further added that he knows John 5 adores Mars which likely adds to the weirdness
of the position in the band because he's also friends with Six, Lee and Neil.
They offered him a great gig and he's doing it so trust me I can relate.
Listen to the full interview on this location on this website here that they give.
Anyhow the thing is the situation is weird because Mick is too big of a part of a Motley Crew.
Yes, yes he always has to.
Yeah and the weirdness is never going to go away.
Also Crew may have a bass fan but they also have the fans that grew up and watched them
break it big.
We're the ones that watched them break it big and we are the traditionalists.
We're the Karens of the world that don't give a shit if it's John 5 or Mick Mars and probably
don't even know the difference.
It's just like the ACDC people that had no idea that there was Bon Scott and then Brian Johnson.
It's the same thing.
A lot of people don't know or don't care that it's a different person in there but I'll
know the mindset that without Mick there's no Motley Crew.
It's just like with John Krabi.
There would not be high level vows on that.
I love the band featuring John Krabi with the rest of what's left of Motley Crew without
Vince Neil but to me it was not Motley Crew.
They should have called it another name and I would have been like man that's a great
band.
They sound awesome.
They kind of sound Aerosmith-ish and they have really good sound, really good tempo.
I like the singer but...
At that point they should have changed their name to Motley Gang.
Yeah, yeah something else but when they stuck with the original moniker it was like no it
doesn't work.
Well that's kind of like okay when Van Halen made their change from David Lee Robb to Sammy
Hagar a lot of people did not like that.
But it took off.
It took off.
I was one of the ones that didn't like it.
I did not like it at first but the more I listened to it the more I liked it.
Well I thought it should have been called...
And to this day Michael Anthony is still with Sammy Hagar.
Yes, he's in the circle with Sammy Hagar and they've been best friends.
He still fills in in the band.
Yeah, I think that the reason they didn't change the name Van Halen is because simply
Eddie Van Halen, Alex Van Halen that's their last name.
But I think if that wasn't their last name they would have considered calling it Van Hagar.
Right, I mean that's what media called them.
Yeah and it was very fitting too because it took someone who's a very prolific singer,
a very prolific songwriter, he was extremely popular and they mixed him in with a band
that was extremely popular and they took out a lead singer that was extremely popular.
So it was a very odd situation and they probably could have gotten away, one of the few times
they could have gotten away with it, someone changing their name to fit having a new lead singer.
That might never happen.
And they ended up becoming one of the biggest bands ever.
Yeah, so anyhow.
Anything can happen people.
Yep it can.
Look at me, I'm living in Camden, Missouri.
I'm part of a podcast.
That's right.
Anything can happen people.
Yep.
So alright on that I think we're going to go ahead and end this podcast right now.
So anyhow everybody, thank you for listening.
We appreciate you guys.
Please keep listening, tell your friends.
Thank you everybody.
Help keep this thing growing.
We lost a few listeners since I shut down the website to douchebagsandmicrophone.net
and I did it for good reason.
I'm paying for nothing.
Nothing on that damn fucker.
We discussed that, we're in agreement on that.
Yeah I need to do something different but the time right now is not now.
We have too many other things going on.
But when I can get away with putting it up and having it done right I will.
But the time isn't right now.
So anyhow.
But you can still get a hold of us.
Yes, so I'm hoping that these people that got shut out due to that being gone,
will find another way to listen to us.
Because it's a pretty decent amount of people that aren't listening now.
Because I think they simply don't know how to get a hold of us.
But I hope they find their way and I hope we get them back.
So anyhow, but the podcast is still doing very well.
So thank you everybody.
Have a good night.
Good night.
Bye.
Hey, where did they go?
Where are the douche bags?
Oh my god, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Oh man, that smells.