Live from the city market, it is 2 Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
Now, deep thoughts with Mark.
So let me see.
Let's say I was offended by people being offended.
Then would people being offended all the time would have to not be offended around me because
I was offended by them being offended?
I may never know.
I'm not offended.
Please enjoy Brick Shit House Energy Drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere because of liability issues.
Alright, two Douchebags and a Microphone.
I am Mark and I am Rob.
Alright, well let's get this thing to go in here.
Alright, well.
Okay, first off, I want to apologize to everybody.
I am working on a schedule change this week.
Okay.
Normally I work 730 AM to 4 PM.
Due to this beautiful Midwest heat wave we have going, our company changed our hours.
I'm now working 530 to 2.
So my alarm is going off at 3 AM this week.
Okay, okay.
Alright, well.
Alright, and here we are at 8.
So yeah, I'm going to do the best I can when the night dies.
Alright, that's cool.
As long as I can.
Alright, well let's see.
I have a Dear Douchebags letter.
You want to go into that?
Awesome.
Okay.
Alright.
Well hang on a second so I can insert our promo.
So, we'll be right back.
Dear Abby, not quite.
You have questions, we have answers.
They're not very good answers, but we have them.
Before mentioned and promised, we have a Dear Douchebags.
The new email seems to be working pretty good.
We're getting some Dear Douchebag letters through there.
We're getting other correspondence.
People saying, hey, I like this.
I wish you'd do this, more of this, more of that.
And we're appreciating all the suggestions.
And thank you.
We're taking the suggestions well.
Because anything you can give us that you think you would like to hear,
we're going to try to provide for you.
Unless it takes talent.
We greatly appreciate it.
Yeah, if it takes talent, well, you know, you're shit out of luck.
But if we can somehow manage it, we'll do it.
So, anyhow.
Alright, here we go.
Dear Douchebags, we have a confirmed ass eater on the block.
Now, we don't care and try not to judge, but his breath smells like ass
and he is a close talker.
We all try to avoid him as much as possible,
but he always seems to find a way to corner you
and to melt your nostril hairs down to zero.
Signed, Disgusting Smell and Avondale.
Yeah, these guys.
They come up with the best damn names, I swear.
Well, Disgusting Smell and Avondale, thank you.
Thank you for your letter.
We have a few suggestions.
We hope they help.
I don't know if anything we say helps.
As a matter of fact, like me and Topher used to say.
And I spent some time with Topher today.
We had a really good chat over coffee and he's doing well.
Anyhow, don't take our advice on anything.
If anything at all, whatever we say,
steer clear from it and go,
do not just the opposite, but the polar opposite of what we say
and you'll probably be okay.
I've heard you repeat that many, many times.
Yes, yes.
But without any further ado, people still ask for our help.
So here you go.
Dear Smell, first off, you must respect the ass eater.
Anyone who can tongue punch a turd slicer
has to be hailed as a trooper.
Right?
Anyone who can jab that tongue in that fucking squash spider,
they can fucking stick their fucking mouth up to that mud button,
they are a trooper.
And you are to be saluted from us.
It doesn't mean we're going to go out and fucking tongue punch
a fucking turd slicer,
but it does mean that we respect you for being able to do it.
So, alright.
A beacon of strength to be able to sift through the sewage
in the name of love is a real badass.
But one can only take so much ass smell,
and you have to leave quickly.
So, first off, you can convince said ass eater to drink mojitos.
Every time he comes around,
be sure to fill his with extra peppermint.
The ass may still be on his face and mouth,
but you couldn't tell because of the fresh smell of the peppermint.
That's a pretty good idea.
And also you can sit there and get trashed.
Maybe he'll loosen up and tell you about said ass eating.
Maybe he'll go, you know, man, I started doing it at a young age,
I never thought anything about it,
or you know, it's the only thing my girlfriend likes or whatever.
Maybe he could give you a little tutorial about ass eating.
Not that you're going to do it,
but maybe let you know what the whole thing is,
what the big deal is, right?
Well, if you drink enough, why don't you not try?
True, true, you never, one never knows.
You never know.
Have a couple of mojitos and see.
Have a couple of mojitos and have your girl back her ass up to you or guide,
depending on whether you're a guy or a girl or which way you swing,
you know, whatever, that's fine.
Have them back their ass up to you.
Take a sniff and see if you can stand that, right?
If you can stand a sniff, maybe go in for the, you know,
for the old fucking lick there.
Maybe go in there and just try one lick and see how that does.
See if it doesn't resonate too bad on your tongue.
If not, get to kissing, right?
There you go.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, we're not here to judge.
We're here to help.
Secondly, offer him a tongue depressor
and bet him he can't scrape his tongue faster than you.
Because that's where all the smell comes from is the film on your tongue.
So, yeah, if you can convince him to do that, you know,
and without any like really, you know, you know, I mean,
the whole thing is there's not a whole lot of really good answers to this.
So, you know, if these answers are good but not great, you know, so.
I really cannot think of much to add to that myself.
Yeah.
Third, but here at Two Deuce Bags and Microphone,
we will take on any tough question.
We don't care.
We're true journalists.
We are true journalists.
We go after the hard question with a stiff fist, right?
Yes, we do.
Yes, because that's what we do here, tough journalism.
Okay, anyhow, third suggestion is,
gently remind him that methane is a toxic gas
and he is putting everyone's life in danger when he opens his mouth.
True, right?
Yeah.
Methane is a deadly gas.
It's toxic and it can explode or it can kill you, you know, by smelling.
Yeah, so, you know, yeah, you know, I mean, if he has,
if he cares for you at all, you know, then he'll take his,
he'll take his fucking whole horse show outside, right?
Or four, call Mr. Creepy and ask him.
He has plenty of experience face down in assholes.
And if you don't know who Creepy is, you're a newer fan
and you need to listen to old shows and catch up.
Good luck.
Well, he has not been around for a while.
Oh, I know. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Come on. No, no, no. Hey, no, get out of here.
You motherfuckers, I don't eat ass. I have my ass eaten.
You guys are pieces of shit.
I didn't like Topher and I don't like you either, Rob,
and I definitely don't like that Mark motherfucker.
You both suck and I'm going to come back
and I'm going to blow your fucking house up, bitches.
Oh, he just left. Fuck, I hope he doesn't blow our house up.
Rob, what are you doing?
I know.
Well, Mr. Creepy has finally spoken to you.
Why are you even recording me?
Oh, shit.
Well, Mr. Creepy finally broke his silence
enough to threaten to blow up our house.
Wow. Yeah, baby steps, right?
Wow. Well, I mean, I guess we did kind of provoke him
with the ass eater thing.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, there you have it. He says he doesn't eat ass.
His ass gets eaten.
So...
He ate the zone.
Yeah, whatever. All right, Creepy.
You know, you may hate us, but we like you.
Oh, I know what he's going to...
He's over there holding a Q sign up.
It says, two fuck nuts and a recorder are better.
We love two fuck nuts and a recorder.
We have no problems with that.
Oh, we do?
Yeah. They have a problem with us.
We constantly ask them to come on the show
and people always tell them that we're bagging on them,
but we have nothing but love for two fuck nuts and a recorder,
and they believe everybody lying to them
saying that we're saying bad shit about them.
So I don't know what to do.
I mean, two fuck nuts and a recorder,
this is my peace offering,
even though we've never been at war with you.
Come on over. Do a podcast with us.
I think if we teamed up for a segment,
I think it would be a good time by everybody.
I really do.
I do too. I do too.
And I know the rumors are true,
but let me put it like this.
I don't care.
I love you people no matter what.
You too.
Even if the rumors are true, I don't care.
It's fine with me.
Do whatever you want.
So anyhow, I've got something here that is interesting.
It is not the new contemporary urban dictionary
of Mid-America and surrounding areas
or whatever the fuck that was.
This is actual new words from the actual urban dictionary,
not the other one that keeps waving its little fist in the air
saying that they are the new ones.
This is the urban dictionary that says no,
they are the end all be all, a new street slang,
and nobody else is.
So do you want to hear some of them?
Yeah, I'd love to.
Okay.
The first one is it's giving.
That's what the expression is.
Like someone asks you something and you just respond,
it's giving.
And here's what it means.
You should describe the way something looks.
Example, what do you think of this slip dress?
It's a 90s pop star.
It's giving.
A 90s pop star is what you would answer.
It's giving.
Next one.
Yeah, I know.
Some of these are lame, some of them are pretty cool,
but these are the actual new terms that they introduced
in the last year and a half.
Next one.
I've heard of this because I've seen this before on the NFL Network.
They're talking about new clothing and they call the details in the drip
and all that.
So drip.
This is an adjective typically used to describe an outfit
that is extremely fashionable or stylish.
So it's like, hey, man, nice drip.
That means they like what you're wearing, right?
So like in your super tight Wranglers that you wear around town, Rob,
that would be your drip.
Right?
Yep.
All right.
There you go.
All right.
Yes.
Yay, A-A-A-A-S.
As in yes, yes.
Another way of saying yes, but with a huge enthusiasm.
And by the way, I still wear Jord-ass jeans.
I wear whatever's cheap and it's...
And I wear Sergio Valente too.
Jord-ass and Sergio Valente.
Look it up if you're younger.
The Wrangler?
I want to know what store you bought them at.
The W makes my ass look oblong on Wranglers, so I can't wear them.
Okay, the next one.
Period T is spelled with a period with a T at the end of it,
but the T is silent, so it's pronounced period.
So the only reason you know that they're saying it like this
is you read it and it has a T on the end of it.
So it's period T, but the T is silent, so it's just period.
So it is used in the end of a statement and done with the conversation.
Like, so hey, did you get your money back from Willie?
Period.
Don't want to talk about it.
Done with it.
Like maybe Willie didn't give his money back and he's pissed, right?
Okay.
But the period is with a T, but the T is silent, which I think is ridiculous.
I mean, why don't you just, why do you have to put a T on the end of it
if it's silent, you know?
People know what period is, and I think just saying period,
people would know that, okay, end of it.
Period means the end of a sentence, right?
So I get that, but I think the T is ridiculous, but oh well.
Next one.
Spill the T.
Oh, let's make a game out of this.
We're doing it wrong.
What do you think spill the T means, Rob?
It means I'd be pissed.
Yeah, because you love your T.
Catching up on the latest gossip.
You know, I just got up to go get me another glass.
Oh, hell yeah.
Catching up on the latest gossip used in a sentence.
Heard you went out on a date last night.
Spill the T.
So your Lipton's fine, dude.
Or Louisiana, what kind do you drink?
I usually Lipton.
Okay.
Your Lipton's fine.
So they're talking about a different type of T.
Alrighty.
Extra.
Got any idea what extra means?
The new way of saying it?
Honestly, that could be anything.
I'd say like a third wheel.
That's a great guess, dude.
That's a great guess.
You know, a wheel on a date.
That's a great guess, and when you hear this you'll see why.
When something is over the top and overly dramatic,
or they're just simply overdressed for the occasion,
using a sentence, stop being so extra.
It's not that big of a deal.
So I know it means something completely different,
but do you see where they're kind of going with how they're saying this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.
Yeah, I think that if that type of extra was introduced first,
that extra would mean what you said, a third wheel.
Yeah.
Well, that's what it used to mean in fucking order.
Yeah, it did, yeah.
It's like, yeah, so how did everything go last night?
Uh, extra.
Extra what?
Extra person?
Oh, so it didn't go?
No.
She got freaked out and left.
Oh, sorry.
So, okay, yeah, you're right.
Yeah, so, all right, next one.
Shook or shooketh.
It's spelled S-H-O-O-K or S-H-O-O-K-E-T-H.
Shook or shooketh.
Any idea?
I don't know.
I guess it would be shooketh.
Not eth, shooketh.
Okay.
I do not know.
It means I am in shock.
Used as in, Ryan Reynolds, just like my photo on Instagram,
I am shooketh.
That's about ridiculous, isn't it?
All right.
Oh, well, you know what?
It's not our terms and we don't use them, so whatever.
Any comment, please?
Next one.
Sliving.
It's like living with an S in front of it.
Any idea?
No.
It was created by Paris Hilton, which means it's brilliant.
Not really.
This term means live your best life.
Two saying was put together, slay and living.
How to use.
Watch me sliving it up in college.
That would be my peak.
You want to boo it or me?
Boo.
How about we both?
Yeah, boo.
Three, two, one, boo.
All right.
Next one, simp.
S-I-M-P.
Any idea?
No.
Okay.
It means when someone does way too much for someone else,
how to use it.
Look at him.
He is totally simping over here.
And I kind of like that term.
I think it's pretty cool sounding, isn't it?
And it's a way to get it.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
I get that.
And it gets a point across too.
So how's Jeffy doing over there?
Oh, man.
He's simping over whoever.
He's simping over Angela or whatever.
And I like that term because that actually really describes something.
And it's actually a slang word that you can use without giving it away to everybody.
It's like, man, dude, he's like following her around like a puppy.
Without saying all that, you can go, he's simping.
And you go, oh, boy, we lost him, huh?
At least for the time being, we lost him.
I think I'm going to start using that.
I think I will too, man.
Yeah, I actually like that word.
I think that's cool.
Yeah?
Next one, thank you next.
It's thank you with a comma and then next.
I think you'll get this one.
I'm saying thank you, I'm the next person.
Yeah, you got it exactly.
Okay, thank you next.
Turn for something that was useful but now has passed.
The relationship was fun, but it ran its course.
Thank you next.
Perfect, Rob.
Rob, you were cooler than me.
You got one.
I didn't get any of them.
But I'm just glad I'm not simping, aren't you?
Yeah, no doubt.
If you're simping, you're fucking bumming.
Yeah, so we're not simping.
Yeah, you are.
So we got that going for us.
We're not simping.
So, all right.
Hey, Rob.
Yeah?
You want some bad product ideas?
I love those.
Yeah, all right then.
Okay.
All right.
Bad product ideas.
Do I have a...
I'm trying to figure out if I need to pause or not.
I don't think I have a promo for bad product ideas.
Oh, well, you know what?
If I do, you'll hear a slicing in here that won't make sense
and I'll put it in there because I'm not pausing.
All right.
Let me explain something here real quick.
Okay, this audio equipment that we use,
Audio Tonic, it runs in real time.
So the pauses give me a place, a marker,
for me to insert promos in our stupid little like Satan
telling you you burn souls listening to us
and island of horrible jokes.
Oh, what's the new one?
Brick Shit House energy drink?
Yeah.
By the way, I've been meaning to tell you
I'm loving some of them new promos.
Good, good.
Yeah, I thought Brick Shit House, I'm going to improve it.
I mean, look, I mean, there's no budget here
and it's cheap equipment.
We're doing what we can to...
And I think our stuff is funny and I've had enough people
that I know know what they're talking about
that do like it, so I think we're doing something right
and our numbers would indicate it too.
Now, if you are...
I'm even liking the music part too.
Yeah, I need to re-record that stuff though
because the main mic at the time wasn't working properly,
the good mic, so I had to use a backup mic
and I can hear it every time I insert it.
And even when I compress the whole audio file
and try to get some continuity on all of it,
it still doesn't sound like it belongs with the rest of it.
So, and that's some of the other stuff I'm working on too,
is I'm working with someone that knows what they're talking about
on levels and trying to make the levels not so unpredictable,
like you'll get a couple of promos in there
and then they'll go back to us and we're lower or vice versa.
I'm trying to get this just right.
I'm no longer doing an omnidirectional mic,
I'm doing it two-way.
I got you on one side and me on the other.
So, I'm going to see how that works on levels
and there's other things that...
I've been scouring the internet and talking to people
and I have a good friend that knows a lot about this
and we're still perfecting, trying to perfect this thing, you know.
So, anyhow, it's not a finished product yet, not even close,
but by the time we get done, every promo you hear
is not going to be like one of ten, it's going to be one of fifty,
one of a hundred, one of two hundred as we go to our base.
And as I learn more stuff and as Rob learns more stuff,
I just got some remote equipment the other day
that I'm going to start using.
And if nothing else, I'm going to bring my Bluetooth down
to the city market and then Rob is going to have a chat right there
if anyone wants to join in, they can.
How's that sound?
Sounds awesome.
Yeah, you guys get to hear the birds again.
We have the filthy bean who is just dying to get us back there.
I don't know why.
Hey, did he send you that email?
No, I have not received any emails.
Rick?
I have not received any emails.
Okay, well when you do, it'll be, do me a favor and check your spam folder
because he does do it under the filthy bean, their email.
Your email may think that it's a sales ad.
So check your spam, he's supposed to send you something.
But anyhow, well he wants your address, he's going to send you a gift back.
I don't think it's going to be any secret.
So, yeah, and anyhow, we'll work on getting with him,
whether we're just calling it in to him or whether we're there or something,
we're going to start incorporating him in because he loves us and he wants it.
So anyhow, Topher's been talking to him quite a bit too.
And so, anyhow, let's see, where was I?
I'll look into that later.
Yeah, yeah, if you don't get it, send me a text tomorrow,
say I didn't get it and I'll have it resend it, okay?
Because he's going to send you what he calls a gift pack.
Alright.
Okay.
I told him you liked tea and he was like, oh, he goes,
I've got some tea blends that Rob is going to shit over.
So, okay.
Alright.
So you're not just getting coffee, you're getting tea blends and some,
I think some cups and I think he's even got like a metal plaque for your wall
that has the filthy bean insignia on it too.
Oh, that'd be cool.
Yeah, yeah, you can put it in your studio.
I'm going to put mine in my studio.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, style-y.
Anyhow, we got some cool shit.
We're trying to pick up where we left off on everything,
you know, being at the City Market, being at the Filthy Bean,
being on remote, you know.
We're going to try to pick up on all that stuff again.
We haven't abandoned it.
It's just we went through a transitional period
and so we're still very much in that arena.
So.
Yeah, and we're also working on getting mine in going.
Yeah, yeah, and we're going to do that.
I got to come down there and get some things figured out for you
and maybe bring you a couple of pieces of equipment
that I have I think will work for you.
Now, mine did.
It's not the best, but you can use it.
You can have it.
It's yours if you can use it and figure out, you know, get it to use.
I know that there's a way to do it.
So I'll work with you on it too to get that stuff to work with the audio tonic software
and all that because it's a Google Chromebook
and the Google Chrome doesn't like to work with the audio software so well.
But we'll get that figured out.
So anyhow.
Yeah, see that's why I use Google.
Okay.
Well.
Okay.
Anyhow, bad product ideas.
Yeah, well it's not what they're made of.
All right.
Number one, Ron DeSantis action figure sold at Disneyland and Disney World.
Bad product idea.
Actually, I like it pretty sure.
You know what?
I mean, you never know.
There might be some conservatives in Disneyland or Disney World
that want to Ron DeSantis action figure, right?
Right.
They're going to have to make money somehow.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
Sure.
Next one, stock in CVS and Walgreens.
Because they're not prosecuting anybody under $1,000 that steals from them.
Would you buy stock in that?
No.
Hell no.
Bad idea.
No.
It got nixed.
Next one.
Melatonin prescription for Joe Biden.
Yeah.
Bad product idea.
I'm not even going to go into that one.
If that guy slows down anymore, he'll be going backwards.
Next one.
Bud Light on tap or bottle.
That is a bad product idea nowadays.
Yeah, it is.
Here, you want something?
I never liked it to begin with.
I never did either.
I always thought it was garbage.
It always gives me a headache.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Just like Budweiser.
Yeah, see, I can handle Budweiser, but Bud Light...
I can handle Budweiser better than Bud Light, but I never did like Bud Light.
I always thought Bud Light was just not good beer.
Yeah.
I think it's sold just because of the name.
They're like, well, you know what?
I need to drink a few more of these and a little less calories, so I guess I'm just...
It says Bud on it, so it's got to be the same thing.
No.
Not even close.
Next one, bad product idea.
New sewer system for San Francisco.
They don't need one.
Everybody's shitting all over the fucking ground yard.
That was a bad product idea.
Yeah, yeah.
Next one.
Tickets for any Ozzy Osbourne concert, and that kind of hurts.
It does.
Boo.
Okay.
You know what?
I deserve a boo on that one.
I apologize to everybody for that.
Uncle Ozzy, we love him, and we hope he will be able to do at least another concert or
two.
Although I did see the funny in that.
I did.
It was funny.
I got to admit it.
Yeah.
Yep.
Father Time.
Father Time is carrying a shovel, and I don't mean to dig up his grave.
I mean to hit him in the head with it.
No one thinking I'm saying he's dying or nothing.
I'm saying, yeah.
Next one, and this one is evil.
Charcoal briquettes for British Columbia.
That's the part of Canada that's on fire all the time.
They can't get out.
They don't need any charcoal briquettes up there.
No.
I felt bad about that one.
I got to be honest.
I felt horrible about that one.
But not enough to not put it in.
Oh, well, though.
Oh, I mean, look, we have a heart.
We took Pee Wee Herman when he passed away.
We took him out of the Harry Asshole Olympics for one week.
Yeah.
We gave him a reprieve.
Yeah.
So no one can say we don't have a heart.
We do.
If we didn't have a heart, we would have made him compete even though he just got buried.
And it was unfortunate he got beat his next day.
I felt bad about that because not only did he die, but then he got his ass kicked in the Harry Asshole Olympics.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
So we do have a heart.
But there's no way he could beat our last two contestants.
No, no.
And that's coming up.
The grand finale is coming up.
And I've already got a list put together that is just so solid right now, dude.
You better come up with some good ones because I got some solid motherfuckers on this next one.
I'm working on some.
I'm just hoping we don't double up.
Oh, we might.
And if we do, then what we'll do is we'll put the double ups in a special category and put them against each other because that's how strong they are.
If we double up, they're strong.
OK.
Yeah, I got pretty good stuff going.
OK.
All right.
We'll get to that here in a minute.
Actually, a couple of them.
Really?
Well, maybe I need to break out my guys.
No, no, no.
We'll keep.
No, no.
We're not going to start this.
We're going to settle the first round tonight.
And then we'll go the second round in a week or two.
So next one.
I don't have that many put together tonight.
I don't pay for.
I've got enough put together, but they're really super solid ones.
I only have four pits against each other, eight people.
And that's really not enough to have a hairy asshole Olympics because I got some one off.
I got some one offs we could do that like that we know are never going to win at all.
But but you know what?
Yeah, we might do that.
So anyhow, no, actually, we got to settle the first round tonight.
So, OK, heat lamps for Phoenix, Arizona.
Bad product idea.
Yeah, yeah, they've been 110, 120 for what?
Like, shit, 80 days in a row or something.
No heat lamps for them.
And no, I did not feel bad about that one.
OK, next one.
Nearly subscription to two douchebags in a microphone podcast.
Sorry.
I know.
That was a suggestion written in.
Someone sent that to us. And I'm not kidding.
We give and that's what we get a slap in the face.
Where's the wall?
Where is the love?
Yep.
Mr. Rob Radish is who he called himself.
Not Rob Rad, Rob Radish.
We hope you're happy.
You heard our feelings.
And what? His name is Rob Radish.
He copied off your name, dude.
Rob Radish says the worst product idea we could come up with is a yearly subscription to two douchebags in a microphone podcast.
So.
I think this Christmas we need to give them out for stocking supper.
I think that's right. I think Rob Radish is going to get some audio files from me.
Straight to your inbox and in holes.
Ear holes.
So.
And he's going to get every copy of the butt pictures.
I'll forward you his email address.
And I can send the one that you sent me. I'll send that one back to him tonight.
So Rob Radish, if you're trying to hurt our feelings, you did.
I hope you're happy.
You look yourself in the mirror and you go, I'm a good person for hurting their feelings.
So. Next one.
I don't know. He kind of peaked my interest.
Seems kind of ballsy.
Well, if we're coming up and calling himself Rob Radish.
Yeah. That's pretty ballsy right there.
I don't care about the dog and our name, but he kind of stole your name.
So.
Okay. Next one.
Burger King culinary lessons.
Bad product idea.
If you want to learn how to burn burgers and make them have no taste. Yeah.
Allegedly.
Oh, hey, no. Actually, that could be a good idea.
Why is that?
We could end up with better crews.
Ah, yeah, that's right.
Could improve the product.
All right. You know what? Well, you'll never know.
Maybe Burger King will get a hold of this and change and reverse their decision.
It'd be a coin flip.
Yeah.
All right. And then finally, last but not least.
Job well done cards to the Kansas City Royals.
Horrible product idea.
Agreed.
Yep. Unfortunately, our little Royals are not looking that good.
And probably not for this foreseeable future either.
So.
Anyhow, I have some new products that did go over.
And they actually, some of them sound pretty good.
You want to hear some of them?
These are by.
Might have been Southern Living. I don't seem to have it up here.
The name of the magazine.
But it's like the top six or seven.
What they consider is the best new food products to come out for the year.
All right.
So I'm not sure what magazine it is.
I don't know if it's Southern Living or not. It could be.
But anyhow, because it's not here on this print.
So anyhow.
Number one, Reese's Ice Cream.
Peanut butter fans, sit down and practice your deep breathing.
Reese's is launching a new line of ice cream sandwiches, cone cups, and chocolate covered bars inspired by classic candy.
Managing editor Katrina Yohei sampled them recently and she can attest.
They said they perfectly balanced the chocolate peanut butter combo without being too salty or sweet.
That gets my interest.
I'm in.
I'm in too.
I'm not just in.
That is my devil is chocolate peanut butter.
Oh, that sounds great.
Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And I'm I'm in.
I'm all in like the ass eater.
I just fucking dive right in on that.
Oh, yeah. I'll dive right in.
Face first.
My fucking nose and mouth fucking all over.
I'm throwing a chocolate syrup on top.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And then like the bars and the cones and stuff.
I can't wait to see some of these.
I was just at the store tonight and they're not quite out yet.
So can't wait to see them.
OK, number two Kellogg's special K high protein and special K zero.
And this is good for people that are keto friendly, you know, or low carb or Atkins.
You're trying to eat healthier starting with the most important meal of the day.
In that case, check out Kellogg's newest riffs on special K.
It's high protein variety comes in a chocolate almond flavor
and it boasts the most protein per serving the brand has ever offered.
Twenty grams per cup.
Meanwhile, special K zero is cinnamon flavored keto friendly
and features 18 grams of protein, two grams of net carbs
and zero grams of added sugar in each one cup serving.
That's not too bad.
No, it's not.
And they say on here it I'm not going to expand on it
because it has a whole lot of stuff that you don't need to know.
But it says the taste is really good.
So the lady from this magazine tasted all of this too.
Besides CNN thinking it was a good idea, she tasted it.
So number three, Dolly Parton's buttermilk biscuits, sweet cornbread and famous brownie mixes.
I mean, that's it says Dolly Parton. I'm in.
I object to try that. I need to.
Have you seen these?
I made some cornbread last Sunday. Remember how hot it was?
I made a batch of chili and cornbread.
Oh shit. Did that eat?
I was sitting in the center row. I was a little chilly.
I want chili.
You know what? That's cool.
It was Sunday.
That sounds good to me. Actually, I can eat chili and cornbread anytime too.
So I get it.
Oh, me too. It's one of my favorites.
Dolly Parton's cake mix line sold out in 15 minutes flat when it launched last year,
sparking interest in even more of the Jolene Singer's recipes.
Well, Dolly listened and in the next few weeks,
you'll be able to buy Duncan Hines produced mixes of her take on cornbread, biscuits,
and both fudgy and caramel turtle brownies.
Just be prepared to act fast given how quickly her initial launch disappeared.
They say that the biscuits are like some of the best biscuits you'll ever have.
Oh wow. I bet they are.
I bet they are too.
Next one. Sweet Dream cereal.
Cereal that's supposed to help you sleep better?
That's right. Post-new launch, Sweet Dream cereal is designed to be a before bed treat.
Featured vitamins and minerals like zinc, folic acid, and vitamin B to support melatonin production
as well as herbal blends of lavender and chamomile to help relax you.
It's available in two flavors, blueberry midnight and honey mangalot.
No, no, no. Not mangalot. Moonglow.
I need to turn the light on in this thing. The neon lights are failing me in here.
Honey moonglow, sorry.
Which seems pulled up from a group newsletter.
You'll have to try the first hand and see whether they work for you.
So who knows.
So anyhow, that was all in the article about how they sent it out in a newsletter.
So in other words, I might need it for you.
I like the idea of that.
I do too.
I like the idea of that, but you don't want to get mixed up with your breakfast cereal.
Oh, you're not kidding.
It'd be like your nightly nudge.
Yeah, that would be a disaster, dude.
Or your daily nudge. You've got to keep them all separate.
Yeah, no kidding. You would have to keep it in a separate area.
I do like the idea of that.
You get your nighttime snack in and you get a good night's sleep. I like that.
Think how brilliant that is too, Rob. Think about how brilliant that is.
Okay, breakfast was just for morning. All of a sudden Post is like, hey, let's make one for the evening.
So you have two time slots. Not just one, you have two time slots that you're filling.
That's brilliant.
I love it.
Yeah. Yep, I do too.
All the way, Rob. I applaud them. I applaud them on that.
Great job, Post.
Number six and final. Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Dream Pie.
Now, I don't like Ben and Jerry. They're a couple blowhard hippies that are full of shit, in my opinion.
But this does sound good.
Inspired by the classic lunchbox treat, the vegan desserts feature a non-dairy oatmeal cream pie based studded with gluten free oatmeal cookies and marshmallow swirls.
Our editors were amazed at how much it mimicked the childhood sweet.
Every layer of flavor shines through in this creamy, not icy treat, which we've been devouring no matter what the temperature is outside.
So they love it. So, okay. Well, good.
All right. I mean, I'm not a Ben and Jerry fan, but I don't know. Maybe I might try it.
I'm not a big... Like I said, I get cheap ice cream that tastes just the same.
Well, I do too.
I mean, they do have a lot of different flavors. I will give them that.
Yes.
But flavors that you can't get in any other brand, I will give them that.
I don't buy their stuff just because their surlyness towards America.
It is. I'll tell you what. It is very expensive. You're right.
So anyhow, those are some new products coming out. Some of them are already out.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
I will roast you. But my mom told me to not burn trash.
I smell bacon. No, wait. It's just Mark's sweating.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
May, your five-year-old neighbor have all their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.
Two douchebags and a microphone says,
You ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass?
Just asking.
Alright, two douchebags and a microphone on Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Do you know that they discovered a massive ocean underneath the Earth's crust?
No, I did not.
Yeah. Well, this is really new.
Yeah, I have not read that.
A new discovery has been made which reveals that a massive ocean lies beneath the Earth's crust.
The ocean contains more water than what can be found on Earth's surface.
The ocean is stored in a rock called Ringwoodite.
That is located 400 miles underground.
This ocean was discovered by studying earthquakes and detecting shock waves beneath the surface of the Earth.
Scientists found that the water is stored inside mantle rock in a unique state,
which is not a liquid, solid, or gas.
The state is known as the fourth state.
Geophysicist Steve Jacobson said that the crystal structure of Ringwoodite is very special
and allows it to attract hydrogen to trap water.
So it's like a sponge.
This whole ocean is like a sponge that attracts water.
As a result, the mineral can contain a lot of water under the conditions of the deep mantle.
Jacobson further added that scientists have been searching for this missing deep water for decades,
and discovery of the ocean under the Earth's crust may help explain the vast amount of liquid water
on the surface of our habitable planet, or at least habitable for right now.
The scientific paper titled Dehydration Melting at the Top of the Lower Mantle was published in 2014,
and it laid out the findings.
If the rock contained only 1% water, it would mean that there is 3 times more water under the surface of the Earth
than there is on the ocean's surface.
Three times.
Now, the question I got is this Rob, how far are they going to go to get this water?
You know, you got Lake Mead.
Lake Mead's been helped recently because of the La Nina pattern or El Nino pattern.
It's been helped recently, but they're still...
That could help a lot of people.
Yes, but...
All the small countries they have very little water.
I want to know how accessible it is.
It's way in there.
So, and also remember, it's in a fourth state.
It may be water, but it's kind of almost encapsulated in this sponge-like fourth state that they're talking about, right?
So, let me put it in...
This is the way I take it, and I could be wrong.
I'm trade school educated, not college educated.
So, you know what? Maybe I don't know a damn thing.
But here's the way I'm looking at it is fracking is not as simple as going in there with like a big straw,
poking it in the ground and pumping it out like oil, right?
This oil that they're pumping out with fracking needs to be steamed because it's almost in a coal-like state.
It's almost like liquid coal instead of a liquid.
It's really thick.
So, it has to be extruded out of there in a different manner, right?
Is that what they're...?
Yeah, it would be like the movie Armageddon.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so...
You're drilling that deep into that harder material, yeah.
So, you've got to drill that far, and then what do you have to do?
Do we have the equipment to do it?
Is it something they're working on?
And if you do do that, what will that do to the Earth?
I mean, where they're fracking, they have a lot of earthquakes now. They didn't use to.
Yeah, good point.
So, is it...?
I mean, it's been theorized, and I could actually see what they're saying, that when they're fracking, it's leaving kind of like a hole in the ground that shifts.
Yeah.
So, would this do that at a higher level?
Or it has so much water content in it that you could take a lot of it out and not even bother it at all?
I don't know.
There's a lot of answers, or there's a lot of questions that have to be answered, but it's something to keep your eye on.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, I found it interesting.
So, we'll see where this goes.
Alright, so should we get to the Harry Asshole Olympics?
Final?
Okay, one second. I do have an update for you on one of your stories that you asked me to look into for you.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I know what you're talking about. Go ahead.
The way you sleep reveals your personality.
Well, I looked into that.
Okay.
And all I'm going to say is if you're interested, just Google it.
There is way too much to read, way too many different sites about this, but it looks like it clues, so there you go.
Okay.
There's your update.
Sounds cool. Okay, thank you.
Okay.
Alright, so back to the task at hand. Our final in our Harry Asshole Olympics is about to happen.
So Rob, you have been carrying the Harry Asshole Olympics tote this whole time.
Wind, rain, hail, nothing would stop you. The Harry Asshole Olympics has to happen, and you're making it happen.
So Rob, while I do my I'm horrible at air drums, everybody knows this, while you announce the beginning of the Harry Asshole Olympics, I will be doing my horrible air drums.
So.
Rob?
Actually, that sounds pretty good to me.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Our first finalist.
Mr. Dave Mustaine.
Versus?
Our second finalist.
Andre the Giant.
Alright.
Now, Rob, you've been teasing that you're going to throw me for a loop.
Yes, I am.
Bring this out.
No, I'm not bringing in a wild card or nothing.
Oh!
This is just my decision on this one.
Okay.
I still say Dave Mustaine.
It could be Dave Mustaine. I think it's a very close call.
I have reason behind this.
Okay. My reasoning, I'll tell you my reasoning, then we'll go to yours and we can decide, and then we can have people email in. No one's emailed so far about it, so.
And wait a minute, let me check my email. So, okay.
Andre the Giant has more mass.
Or had more mass.
For her on as a hairy asshole.
Than Dave Mustaine.
But I think as far as, you know, each one of them go, I think they're kind of pretty evenly matched on probably a hairy asshole.
But I'm going by volume.
I mean, Andre the Giant just has so much more asshole to work with.
Let's hear yours.
Okay.
Now, I've recently been watching videos.
Okay.
Andre the Giant did not even have leg hair.
Hmm.
Okay.
Alright, well then that definitely, that definitely needs consideration.
So, if Andre the Giant didn't even have leg hair, then he may not have ass hair.
So, maybe, maybe he won all of these.
And really, we, you know, we really kind of sent him through when maybe Madonna might have beat him.
So.
Well, we can't do anything about the past. All we can do is go forward.
So, do you want to go ahead and name Dave Mustaine our hairy asshole Olympics winner of round one?
Is that what you think we should do?
My name is Dave Mustaine.
Okay.
And I've got the perfect person to pit him against in the second round.
And I'm not going to tell you right now.
But when I do reveal it, you're going to go, oh my God, I should have thought of that.
There was a perfect person that we could pit him against.
And it's going to be a very hard matchup.
But okay, Dave Mustaine is hereby pronounced the winner of the hairy asshole Olympics round one.
Congratulations, Dave Mustaine.
Andre the Giant, thank you for participating. You go back to your slumber.
Have a great day.
Thank you.
Yes, thank you. Thank you.
All right.
I would like to thank everybody living and dead that participated in that hairy asshole Olympics.
I myself am proud as an American to deliver this to the American public.
It's so needed to be done.
Agreed?
This is totally out of respect to everybody.
Yes.
We love Andre the Giant.
Out of respect.
I'm sorry he didn't win, but Dave Mustaine probably on that thought probably needs to advance.
So without any further ado, Dave Mustaine gets the, do they get a belt?
We have not discussed that yet.
What's the result of that?
I got an idea.
I'm just hoping you don't steal my ace in the hole.
I don't know.
Should we reveal him as a teaser?
I bet you do. I bet you do.
Should we reveal him as a...
We'll find out. This should be interesting.
Okay. Should we reveal him as a teaser?
No. No. No.
Okay. All right.
Stay tuned folks for round two coming up in, what do you think?
Two podcasts? Three podcasts? When do you think we go to it?
Something like that. Something like that.
Okay. Coming up probably next week's podcast will be round two of the hairy asshole Olympics.
All new contestants.
Yes. And also Dave Mustaine, I think that, I don't know if we discussed this or not,
but since Dave Mustaine was the winner, I think that he doesn't enter the contest until the final four.
No. I'm in total agreement on that.
Yes.
I am in total agreement.
He has to stay out of the contest because he earned his keep.
And then he will be reintroduced in the final four and he's in the Hall of Fame and he's got a plaque,
he's got a Dave Mustaine hairy asshole Olympics winner plaque of round one.
So how many rounds do you think we have? Four? Four rounds?
And then the final four of them will compete for the grand champion hairy asshole?
I don't know if that's even a fair question Mark.
We don't even know how many people we're going to have in this thing yet.
Okay. Let me put it like this.
Okay. We're hoping for four rounds of the hairy asshole Olympics.
We're hoping someone doesn't bomb our podcast before then.
We're hoping we have enough people worthy of hairy assholes.
But there is at least going to be a round two. We know that.
And Dave Mustaine has made it all the way through and he will participate in the final four as the winner of round one.
Fair? Good?
Yes.
Okay. So anybody that loves the hairy asshole Olympics, they're going to be coming back.
So anyhow, let's go ahead and close out this podcast and we will start the next one,
which you won't hear on this one because it's the next podcast. Right?
Anyhow, thanks for listening. We'll talk to you all soon. Have a good night.
Yep.
Oh, hang on. I got my final thought. What am I saying? Shit.
Okay. This is what happens when everybody...
I'll get the next one.
Okay.
This is what happens whenever I get rushed. I told you we're at the store and I'm trying to rush.
Yeah. Yeah.
I come in all disoriented and I'm like, fuck.
So anyhow, final thought. If you think you are smarter than the previous generation,
50 years ago the owner's manual of the car showed you how to adjust the valves.
Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.
Which is very true. I have read that.
It is true. And I did see the old manual. You can see the old manuals for a Skylark online.
Yeah.
Everything there, how to adjust it, how to adjust the valves are on there and the points and everything.
I mean, it's just... Yeah.
I remember my dad's old cars.
You remember out there just doing it? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay. Anyhow, that was the final thought. So we'll talk to you guys later. Have a good night.
Good night.
Hey, where did everybody go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh geez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man, that smells.
Yeah.