Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the
banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River, it is Two Douchebags
and Microphone Podcast.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct washrags, two
douchebags and a microphone invade your ear holes in 3...2...1...
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
So let me see. Let's say I was offended by people being offended. Then would people being
offended all the time have to not be offended around me because I was offended by them being
offended? I may never know.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room, wait 5 minutes and scream, Hey, there's no
toilet paper in here!
Hello everybody, Two Douchebags and a Microphone. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, I'd like to start off right now with Rob Radd's little brother. Someone to email
him while we are doing this here podcast. Pretty cool.
So he was?
You were right.
Well, I had him do it just so we could see if it was working. But you announced earlier
it was, so now we got double.
Well, this is cool though. He has a nice little story attached to it that I think most people
will love. I certainly think it's cool.
I'll ask some more from him after you get done.
Okay, sounds great.
A word of advice when you wash off pepper spray. I've been pepper sprayed on my head,
in the face and in training exercises as a corrections officer like you told us that
he was or is. Our training officer advised when taking a shower, be sure not to let the
water run down your body to your private parts. The residue of the oils will remind you of
this. Baby shampoo seems to work the best. Yours truly, Rob Radd's little brother. Thank
you. Thank you, Rob Radd's little brother.
Alright, I'm heading back to my studio.
Fucking awesome.
Yeah, no, no. He used to be a CO at a prison.
A corrections officer, okay. Yeah, that's what I thought.
He was also trained to go to any prison and bust in the cells, whatever.
Uh huh.
He's only like 5'4", 5'5". He's smaller than I am, man.
Sounds like someone you don't want to screw with though.
But anyway, no, he, me, okay, we recorded Saturday night, correct?
Uh huh.
Me and you.
Yes.
He called me Saturday night and he was telling me a couple stories. He was telling me the
story, he's in this motorcycle club.
Okay.
Which is ex law enforcement and, you know, it's a good bike club, charity group is what
they are.
Oh, that's very cool.
Well, they had this get together and he would tell one of his majors from the prison, now
that he's at work there, his story and people were vouching for him.
Okay.
He was training some new employees one night.
Yes.
And he'd been reading on the pepper spray can the ingredients and everything is organic.
I'm going to tell you, Mark, this story right here will tell you he is my brother.
Okay.
That's right.
So he goes in there telling the student of these new employees how you can wash it off,
it's all good.
He goes watch.
And he had this chicken patty sandwich.
Okay.
He sprayed the pepper spray on this chicken patty sandwich and ate it right in front of
him.
Oh, fuck.
He said it was hot.
Wow.
But they said, okay, it's okay.
It ain't going to hurt the prisoners.
That's fucking crazy.
He actually put the pepper spray on the chicken patty sandwich and ate it to teach him.
That's fantastic.
And then he was, yeah, my brother's obsessed with peppers, by the way, who told me another
story.
I forget who he said it was.
I think the Chinese.
You can look it up.
It's the ninjas.
It's a ninja weapon.
Uh-huh.
It's called a black egg.
You take some peppers and some glass and ground them up real fine together.
Okay?
Okay.
Then you take an egg, you poke a hole in it, and you can either drain out the liquid or
leave it in it, whatever.
But you dump it in.
Well, actually, you probably want to pour out some liquid to make room for what you're
about to put in there.
Because you're going to take that pepper and that glass powder and dump it in that egg
down that little hole.
Uh-huh.
Then you tape it or whatever.
Yeah.
And you come up to your enemy and you tape that.
Yeah, you just cover up the whole hole.
You got to.
Uh-huh.
You come up to your enemy.
You still have that damn egg in their eyes.
Oh, wow.
They have that.
No, it's really some egg in it.
They wipe it off the egg.
But they got the glass that as they're wiping it out is cutting their eyes.
And then you got the pepper irritating the cuts.
Wow.
And that's an old ninja trick.
I don't doubt that at all.
That makes the optimal amount of sense.
Oh, dude.
Yeah.
Welcome to my brother, okay?
I love it.
I just emailed you.
Excellent.
And anyhow, we appreciate the emails.
So please, Rob Radd's little brother, keep them coming and other people too.
And Lona, thank you for your email.
Emails just enhance the program.
It lets us know.
It puts our finger on the pulse of you guys, you know, of what you're thinking, of how you feel about stuff.
It also lets us in on the psyche of our audience.
I think I know the psyche of the audience.
We can get a bit on what we need to do better too.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, so don't be bashful.
If there's something you don't like about the show, let us know.
If there's something you love about the show, let us know.
We want to know it all.
Critiques and love.
Because this is how we...
And that is to prove that it works.
Yep.
Yeah.
Anyhow, so thank you for that.
And so I'm going to go into something a little bit different here.
And it's fast food oriented.
And there's a few food stories in a row here.
But you know that there's a lot of fast food places that are getting sued.
Class action lawsuits.
Did you know that?
I could see it.
Yeah.
And probably you could guess one of the reasons why.
There's a lot of different reasons.
But like ingredients or like this or that or whatever.
But this one makes a lot of sense too.
Many customers at fast food...
Your food made me gain 20 pounds.
Oh yeah, that old gag.
That may have jumped the shark.
I haven't heard about that in a long time.
So who knows.
But many customers at fast food restaurants are suing the chains for false advertising.
Between 2020 and 2022, customers filed at least 200 class action lawsuits concerning false advertisement and food products, according to QSR Magazine.
Last Monday, a New York man filed a proposed class action lawsuit against Taco Bell arguing that photos of their Crunchwrap Supreme and Mexican Pizza did not live up to the rule items.
Some of which the plaintiff alleged included half the amount of beef.
I would agree with that.
I mean, to me, Taco Bell...
I don't know why they got sued first, if you will, or one of the first ones.
Because I think these burgers that Burger King and McDonald's shows are obviously three times, if not more, the size of one that you get when you buy this son of a bitch, right?
Yep.
Yeah.
So Taco Bell to me seems like the least flagrant of all of them.
Because Taco Bell, they may cheat you a little bit like you may get a couple sprinklings of meat.
But you're going to get a lot of beans and cheese instead.
You know what I mean?
There's usually something in there to make up for your lack of meat that's in there.
Where McDonald's and Burger King and Wendy's...
Well, Wendy's isn't so bad about it.
Sonic maybe.
You go there and, you know, at least at White Castle, you expect a pellet.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah, you get in there and you look at that and it's like, what the fuck is this?
Is this my burger?
The pickle is almost as big as the burger, as the patty.
So last Monday, Taco Bell was on this lawsuit.
He was the latest in a long line of complaints that the chains are skimping on their portions.
Here's how other suits have played out.
The law firm representing the New York plaintiff also filed a lawsuit against BK,
or also known as Burger King, as advertising their burgers would be 35% beefier than reality,
which I just went into.
Yeah, I agree with that 100%.
The lawsuit claimed that since 2017, Burger King has advertised menu items that appear larger than when they are when ordered,
which I agree with 100%.
Attorneys at Burger King claim that because every sandwich is handmade at the restaurant,
the look of each sandwich will differ.
Now, we do know this.
You know, you're opening up your sandwich and half of it will be on the outside and the other half is on the inside.
You know, ketchup would be splurged on one side and the mayo would be like over on one side.
The pickles would be missing. They'll be outside.
You know, a little bit of lettuce sprinkled around.
Yeah, we know this.
But a quarter pound should not be an eighth pound.
Yes.
To me, the lawyers are trying to get you confused with that.
A judge ordered the parties to mediation in February this year,
and the mediation reached an impasse, so the judge stayed on the case indefinitely.
The same firm in New York has a few other class action lawsuits against Wendy's and McDonald's as well.
The lawsuit in particular against Wendy's claims that in advertising,
the bourbon bacon burger, the patties featured, which are undercooked, to make the sandwich appear larger, 15 to 20 percent larger.
Did you catch that? They're undercooked.
So they're giving you a raw burger that hasn't shrunk yet and just been browned on the outside,
and selling that as the finished product, and that's probably how they get around it, if you think about it.
15 to 20 percent larger.
Motions to the Smith. Both suits have been filed to no avail.
Stay tuned.
So as soon as I find out some stuff like what's going on with this, I will keep everybody updated,
because to me, stuff like this does intrigue me,
because I think that places like that should be held accountable,
and I get tired of false advertising.
I get tired of like, one of the things of false advertising that pisses me off to no end is,
let's say, cherries, a buck 99 a pound.
You go into wherever, Price Chopper, Hy-Vee, Aldi, anywhere, whatever, whoever you want,
you go in there and they're out.
And I'm like, well, alright, that's cool.
How about a rain check?
Oh, we don't give rain checks on them. We probably won't get any more in.
Then why the fuck did you advertise these for a buck 99 a pound?
When you had like, you had like three pounds of them left,
and you had no intentions of getting more.
I hear a lot of people these days just playing about that.
They do it all the time, and it burns my ass.
Yeah.
The last time at Hy-Vee, I had a cart full of stuff,
and I told the lady, I said, the only way I'm going to buy these is if you guys come up with some cherries.
Well, we don't have any.
I said, well, I guess I'm not buying them.
I said, who's going to put them back?
Oh, we'll have someone put them back.
Okay, bye.
Never been back since.
It pissed me off that fucking bad,
because this is not the first time they've done that to me.
That's why they pay skippy $10 an hour.
Yeah, and then every time, you know, every time I went in there before, I was like, you know what?
I'll just let it go.
I went ahead and bought the stuff that I got extra, and all that, you know.
I was like, you know, I'm buying these cherries for a great price.
Well, I'll go ahead and get a couple of loaves of bread and some soda or something like that, right?
Well, you know, I'm being courteous, throwing and floating them some business too that I could have done somewhere else.
This particular time, I was like, you know what?
If they don't have them this time, I'm leaving my shit right there.
And so anyhow, I got all my stuff like I was going to.
And then I was like, all right, here it goes.
Here's showtime.
I'm either going to leave it or I don't.
And then I was like, you know what?
No, I'm going to leave it.
So Skippy gets paid $10 an hour, was taking all my shit back.
So.
Okay.
It pissed me off to no end because they have gotten me with that so many times.
And then it pissed me off so bad to where I don't go there anymore.
I'm just like, fuck him.
And Hy-Vee is a great store.
I mean, I love their products there that they but they've done it to me one too many times.
I hear more and more people complain about the same thing.
It's not just that store.
No, it's all of them.
I don't mean to be picking on Hy-Vee.
You know, I was a battered housewife.
It's where you were at the moment.
Yeah.
Like I said, I was a battered housewife at this point.
I was like shaking it off.
I hear more and more stories.
Other people complain about the same thing from other stores too.
So.
There needs to be some checks and balances and I think maybe some class actions or something.
Yeah.
So anyhow, I find that very interesting.
And I, you know what?
Good luck to the plaintiffs because I think the plaintiffs are completely right in this.
I think that it is a form of false advertising in my opinion.
And I'm glad that they're fighting back.
So, you know, McDonald's is under fire for their iced tea, their sweet tea.
Really?
Yeah.
McDonald's employee.
Yeah.
Known as Gia recently revealed on her TikTok account how McDonald's makes their sweet tea.
And I know you're a tea fan.
You probably go by and get their tea often, don't you?
Whenever they make McDonald's, that's what I drink, yes.
Okay.
The food giant has a lot to explain because the sweet tea canister contains four pounds.
They literally, she showed them doing it on TikTok.
They have a four pound bag of sugar.
You know in one of those metal containers, right?
Yes.
Yeah.
We used to do that at Justin Jones.
Remember, he used to put the tea bags in there and all that.
And occasionally a fish head might accidentally find its way in there.
We all know what happened.
You know, stuff like that.
There's probably Harry.
Probably was.
Four pound bag of sugar in one of those canisters.
That's how they make their sweet tea.
Four pound bag of sugar.
That's, I don't know what the card count would be in a glass, but it's got to be like a thousand.
I mean, geez.
Oh my God.
That's way too sweet for me.
That is insane.
My suggestion is order your tea unsweetened, then add your own sweetener.
Yeah, I do like three quarter cup of sugar to a gallon.
So, you know.
Yeah.
I'm not that bad.
Okay.
Well, I think that most people just don't really think about the sugar content in it until this Gia chick did it.
And now it's causing outrage.
But I think most people are just kind of like, well, how much sugar could they have in it?
Well.
That's going to shine in right now.
That's right.
That's diabetic complex.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah.
It sounds like diabetes on a stick.
Yeah.
Yep.
So, the next thing I have here is another food thing.
And this is, according to 2023 installment of USA Today's 10 Best Reader's Choice Awards of Breakfast, Fast Food Breakfast.
Okay.
The Southern based breakfast joint, Biscuitville, now holds the top spot.
The menu is really good on it.
I read it.
And it's mild to horrible hot honey biscuits.
They make their own biscuits there.
People rave about them.
Dip French toast with fruit.
All different.
I mean, it has some gourmet items on there.
And it's a fast food place.
All right.
So, Biscuitville is, you're going to see them everywhere eventually.
They're that good.
They're just can't be, unless they want to just stay in the South.
They are that good.
Look up the menu if you get a chance.
I mean, I looked it up.
There's too many.
I was going to like read off the highlights, but you just got to look at it.
There's just so many things there.
I mean, you know, like decorated pancakes to dip French toast to just your basic sauce.
No, I'm a big French toast fan.
Well, this supposedly is some of the best French toast you'll ever have, according to people.
I've lived into them, man.
Well, when you get a chance, look up Biscuitville's menu.
Gotcha.
They took the number one spot, and it sounds like they deserve it.
Number two, I do not agree with.
But number two, McDonald's took number two.
I'm sorry, man.
Well, yeah, McDonald's, I've had their breakfast plenty of times.
It's bland.
It does not.
Their sausage biscuits or breakfast or not biscuits, but their sausage burritos are horrible.
Maybe back in the 80s.
In the 80s, it was really good.
Now.
It was not today.
No, it doesn't.
It's not that good.
I totally disagree with that.
Me too.
I completely disagree with it.
Number three, Whataburger.
Whataburger has a fantastic breakfast.
I've only had it one time.
I have not had their breakfast.
I've, uh.
No, actually, I haven't even been to Whataburger.
Whataburger's.
I've had their raw burgers.
Oh, raw burgers.
Okay, what'd you think of those?
It was the burgers.
It wasn't breakfast.
Oh, okay.
Did you like the raw burgers?
It was good.
It was a little high-priced.
Yeah, a little high-priced, but it wasn't anything to write home about, was it?
Yeah, you were paying for the name.
Yes.
That's exactly what I was thinking too.
I've been there and it's good, but you pay twice as much, so it better be good.
Oh, I took seven of us.
One of them was my brother Tom at the Z-Mantle.
Oh, okay.
I took him, his wife, and my mom.
Did you gosses with Pepper Sprite?
My daughter and my son.
And seven of us, I spent $135.
Oh, wow.
For burgers.
Okay.
Yeah.
That was at World Burger's.
Very cool.
Yeah.
All right.
Your brother answered me back.
He said, thanks.
Keep up the good work.
The show is entertaining.
Excellent.
Thanks for listening, Rob Radd's little brother.
I'm just going to keep calling him Rob Radd's little brother.
That sounds cool.
Thank you, Rob Radd's little brother.
And we'll figure out when I can do three-way calling, get you on here, if you wish.
Yeah, yeah.
He's wanting to.
Okay, cool.
Excellent.
He told me he has a bunch of prison stories.
He just has to watch what he says.
I can imagine that, yes.
Okay.
Well, he'll hear this, but let him know.
Let him know if he likes the peppers.
I want to know if he put pepper spray on his Wall Burger, did he?
No, he did not.
Okay.
All right.
Well, you can't win them all.
He was sitting right next to our mom, so he didn't.
Okay.
To me, Whataburger, not Wall Burger, but going back to Whataburger, because they took number
three.
Yeah, yeah.
Because I had their breakfast before, and it is a great-tasting breakfast sandwich.
So, I could see them coming in at number three.
I think they're ahead of McDonald's, but McDonald's is larger, so okay, whatever.
McDonald's, yeah.
McDonald's isn't that good, in my opinion.
Never mind.
Okay.
But Whataburger, to me, it's a good burger, but I think In-N-Out is better, because there's
a big thing going on, especially down in Dallas, where they have them both.
Whataburger, In-N-Out, you got the In-N-Out people from the West Coast, they're all going,
In-N-Out, and then all the Texans.
Whataburger's the best.
And it's like an age-old thing.
But there was this place in Dallas that was much better than both of them, but they only
have one of them.
It's a chain from the West Coast, but they only have one of them, but then it disappeared.
There was called Slater's 5050, when I was down there on a job with my friend Brian at
my last job, he found out that one was there, and he told me about it.
He goes, Slater's 5050, they started off in San Diego, where he grew up.
He said, man, he goes, these burgers are insanely good, because they're made with half-ground
chuck and half-ground bacon.
Oh, damn.
Yes, Slater's 5050, look them up.
Went in there, had them, and then they had Kraft beers in there from locally.
Oh, my God, we're just like in there, just like, we found heaven.
It was fantastic.
So the best burger in Dallas of a chain would be Slater's 5050, but I guess, I think it's
no longer there.
So I guess that isn't the case now.
But if you ever get a chance to go to Slater's 5050, do it.
So the next one, number four is Chick-Delay.
Yeah, they have good breakfast.
I would call them better than McDonald's.
I would not call them better than McDonald's.
They have good breakfast.
They're good.
I think their chicken sandwiches are very overrated.
Yeah.
To me, their stuff tastes a little bland and unoriginal.
Would that be a good way to put it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, their sauces are good, but their food to me is just, okay.
So whatever, number five, which I think should have been number three, what a burger too,
and to me, number three should have been Dunkin'.
Dunkin' Donuts has a fantastic breakfast.
They have neat little things like little spinach, ham pies and stuff.
Yeah.
They're really good. I like them.
Oh, shit. I didn't even see this.
Actually, number two should have been Hardee's.
Hardee's, but...
We don't have a Hardee's around here no more.
Oh. Hardee's has a...
Yeah, they've got a way with Hardee's.
They've got a way with 13.
You guys used to have a Hardee's.
13.
Okay.
You guys used to have a Hardee's, didn't you?
Yeah, yeah. We used to have two different Burger King's.
There's no more Burger King's here?
No. Burger King's, you have to go to Lebanon or Jeff City.
Wow.
And honestly, if you go to Lebanon, it's garbage.
No, Jeff City, Burger King. You know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, Lebanon, they just... Yeah, it just ain't safe.
Well, the Hardee's here is garbage too, so...
Now, Hardee's, you know what, maybe they...
No, they did it like Hardee's. Yeah, they're...
You know what...
It's weird how the food industry works down here.
Well, Hardee's, I don't know what it is. I think it's the help.
But you know what? They used to have the best breakfast around,
but they probably don't anymore.
Yeah.
I haven't been there in so long. I couldn't tell you, probably.
I kind of over-spoke on that, because they used to have the best breakfast.
But it's probably like their burgers now.
They used to have a really good burger too, but...
Right.
The last couple times I've been there, it's been horrible.
And I think it's because of the help that they have.
Because the stuff is just like thrown...
It wasn't even wrapped correctly.
The wrapper was coming undone, and the fucking patty and meat fell out on the ground.
It was just like, what the fuck?
That's right, and how you were getting in that last conversation too.
Yeah. Yeah. So, anyhow.
Number seven, I think should have been a little bit higher.
And I don't know if you've ever been there to one, because it's a southern joint.
And I always find them in airports.
And like I said, I used to travel... I still travel more than most people, you know.
But I used to travel all the time.
Um, Bojangles.
It is...
I've heard I've never tried it.
It's like a chicken joint. Kind of.
Right, right.
And it's down south.
A lot in Louisiana, Mississippi, places like that.
And this was... I went to the Bojangles and Louis Armstrong Airport in New Orleans.
And I thought it was a really good breakfast and also a really good dinner too.
Because I've done both of them at Bojangles, because I've been sitting in Louis Armstrong Airport a lot.
So, and that would be New Orleans.
That's where I think I went across them.
Where it is my trip down to Louisiana, that's where I went across them.
Yeah, that would be where you've been.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's where I went across them was there.
If you ever get a chance though...
They're right there, but...
Get there, but also if you ever get a chance, if you're on Canal Street, New Orleans, Canal and Bourbon, is the original Popeyes.
The original Popeyes chicken has different recipes than the rest of the Popeyes chicken.
Yeah, I imagine that. It's totally different than the rest.
It is. It's really good.
And it's an experience. And then you've got to go to Crystal Burger on Bourbon.
Crystal Burger...
I would love to make another trip to New Orleans.
You know Crystal Burgers are just like White Castle's.
Are they?
Yes, but Crystal Burgers is where that guy went to jail for tea-bagging.
It was LSU, Louisiana State against Mississippi State.
The Mississippi...
Yeah.
Yeah, the Mississippi State guy passed out in the Crystal Burger.
And so the Louisiana State guy fucking tea-bagged him while he was passed out.
I remember that story.
Yeah, and he sent it everywhere.
Okay.
So anyhow, the other guy's like, hey, hey dude man, I saw a picture of you with fucking nuts in your face, dude. What?
Yeah, yeah, a little bit like at the Crystal Burger.
It was LSU after that, alright. I'm gonna try it.
That's where that happened. And the guy ended up going to jail.
That sounds like a restaurant we would eat at.
Oh yeah, yeah, that sounds like a restaurant we would have tea-bagged someone at too.
Actually, actually, it's usually kind of...
I've ate there plenty of times where it's usually kind of filthy and there's usually shady fuckers there.
It's 24 hours on Bourbon Street, so you can only imagine.
Sounds like a yawker house.
Yeah, yeah, only the horrible greasy little grease pellets from heaven.
So anyhow, number eight, Burger King.
I haven't had a breakfast there in so long I couldn't tell you.
Me either.
Right, that's a weird one.
Oh yeah, that's right. You just can't...
Half an hour and 35 minutes away, so...
That's right, you just can't fucking go to one, man. I could drive to Lebanon to have shitty food.
You can have shitty food right there in Camdenton, can't you?
No, actually, to get in Burger King, my best bet would drive an hour to Jeff City.
Okay. And you can get shitty food right there, so you don't need to drive to Jeff City, right?
I'd rather make my own way.
You know, I want to start a fast food place called Burger Clit.
Oh, that'd be awesome.
Yeah, and instead of the magical Mr. Burg-er, Mr. Mystic Burger King,
we could be Magical Mystical Clit, like walks around in a clit costume.
And we could get us a boat, and we could...
I love it already.
Be like delivery.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How would you like it?
Do you like your clips with onions?
Cook it right there on the boat for him.
How do you like your clips, sir?
I'll take it with some onions and peppers
and a little bit of mayo.
Right up, sir. Here's your clip with
onions, peppers, and mayo.
Thank you.
I like mine medium rare.
Yeah, me too.
I don't like it too rare. I don't like it too done.
It's going to be similar to that.
Yeah, sounds great.
What could possibly go wrong?
Hey, we're on this...
Let's talk about that
off there. Alright, burger clip.
Yeah!
Okay, next one.
Jack in the Box,
number nine.
No opinion. I don't think
I've ever been there for breakfast.
Never had their breakfast. I've had their tacos.
Their tacos I've had in the morning
before and I love their tacos.
Their tacos are amazing. I love them in the morning.
Oh, I love them in the morning.
I love the tacos. I've never had them.
Oh, you've never had them in the morning.
Okay. Alright. Fair enough.
And number ten should probably have been number
four. Maybe
even three. Wendy's. Wendy's does
a good breakfast.
Oh, yeah.
They have for years.
They still do, too.
They have a bunch
of new items, too, like
chicken wraps and stuff like that.
They have a little frosty chino, which is
half coffee, half frosty.
I mean...
Yeah, see my
nearest Wendy's
is 25 minutes away.
Oh, okay.
It's on the other side of the lake from me.
Okay.
Yeah, you gotta drive through Osage
Beach to get to it.
Oh, oh, okay.
Yeah. So...
Well, okay.
I don't understand that.
So, anyhow, that is the
top ten.
We'll be right...
We will be right back right after this.
Our constant pursuit for a real
knee-slapper. It's strange
insults from an alien.
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May, your five-year-old neighbor have all
their violin lessons
during all of your hangovers.
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Back like we promised, Two Douchebags
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Alright.
You have something you want to get to, Rob?
Anything pertinent? Anything you want to talk about?
Anything that's rattling
your cage? Anything that's
pissing you off? Anything you want to ha-ha
about?
How about our hairy ass-off?
Okay.
You ready for that?
You ready? I'm ready for that.
Okay. It's our
top fourteen.
Okay.
And we're very close
to hairy ass-off
because if you listen
to our last podcast,
we're definitely having another one
after that. Yes.
I feel like we got...
Whenever I hear a name, I'm like...
Like we were talking about earlier,
whenever I hear a name, automatically
it goes through the ass-off file in my brain.
I'm looking up the CEO's name
trying to.
But anyway.
Okay.
Alrighty.
You know what, Rob? Since I screwed up on my list
and I'd forgotten
that the band Motorhead
made it all the way through, I pitted them up
against somebody. You go ahead.
I know the first one is Nancy
Palouse.
Motorhead was our
band winner. So we cannot
pin a band
up against individuals. Come on, man.
No, and I actually
even...
Motorhead will go into our
next round to take on the
winner. Okay.
Of the next band.
Okay, you got it. You see, because
I put them up against Johnny Depp because
Johnny Depp plays guitar.
So anyhow, that's alright.
Motorhead won. They went through on the
band. So anyhow, go ahead.
Okay, now my first
battle.
I looked...okay, I took
your advice. I looked at
Juliana Margolis. Yes.
She looks like she can carry a patch
down there, doesn't she?
Here's my battle.
Okay.
Juliana Margolis
versus McDonough.
Mmm.
That's a pretty good
pit up.
Okay.
Wow.
I'm gonna go with...Wow.
I'm gonna go with Madonna.
And here's why.
Older.
Already proven she doesn't care about underarm
hair. Italian.
I think
all of those insures her
onto the next round.
Yeah. Madonna.
Madonna wins.
Juliana Margolis.
That was a battle,
man.
I could see...
Yes.
I could see how you kept her
in this whole time, Barley.
Juliana Margolis,
you're free to go.
Alright. Thank you for your
participation in the hairy asshole
Olympics.
You'll be a strong current.
Duck which is since the 80s.
Still again. Yes.
Alrighty. Next up on the docket,
please. Next
up...Oh my god.
I gotta do it, Mark.
Go ahead. Gotta do it.
The floor is yours.
Nancy Pelosi.
Michelle Obama.
Oh.
Okay.
Nancy Pelosi.
Old. Wrinkled.
Leathery.
Italian.
Has
no hairs already.
I'm gonna say her hairy asshole
encompasses anything that she
wears for any type of under
garment.
Okay. And my
battle for Michelle
was I think hers was braided.
Oh yeah.
I forgot. Yes. But, but, but,
but, but, now if you think about it,
if she braids it, that means she
pays attention to it.
Exactly. It's groomed.
Where Pelosi's is just gonna be like
fucking the rainforest. That was
nasty crusty shit.
Oh yeah. I'm gonna say it's like
got some foreign goop on it
and secretion
and
yeah, yeah. I'm gonna say
Oh my god. I can't believe we're voting
for Nancy Pelosi again.
Only in this fashion.
Damn it.
Alright. Nancy.
Michelle Obama, you're free to go.
Thank you for your
participation. We look forward
to seeing you in another hairy ass off
at another time.
Alright. Rob?
Alright. Next up.
Alright. I got another
quarterback matchup.
Oh, I love these.
A-Rogers
to Redshaw.
Oh. So you got the
hallucinogenic freak
against the old crusty old man.
Okay. A-Rog is kind of like a
Grape Nuts
that eat in.
Who does?
Terry. Oh, Terry.
Yeah, yeah. Cause A-Rog is American.
Yeah, yeah.
I would expect nothing else out of Terry
honestly.
I'm gonna go with Terry
by an ass hair.
Just because he's old and crusty
and he's kind of disheveled.
I don't think he even
recognizes his ass hair.
He has no idea they're there and I think it encompasses
his fucking
his pantaloons.
I think it encompasses
any type of underwear he wears.
I think he goes around it and builds
like a hair bridge across
the underwear.
And I just think that
it looks like one big fucking hairy mess
down there. And I think
his nut hairs also hang down and
encompass themselves into his
asshole hairs.
That sound about right?
I'm sorry y'all laughing at me.
Well, that's okay.
Then I was thinking
totally opposite.
Well, A-Rog, I can see the same with him
too. I'm just giving it to
Bradshaw. Because
he's old and crusty.
We just mentioned
A-Rog is a single.
Terry has a hot wife.
You know what Rob?
That's why I start laughing.
I think you just swayed my vote.
Because his wife
would be like
oh no no no no.
No, that shit's
giving me the cut.
We're mowing that bitch down right now
Terry. You're right.
Does Aaron even have
a dog to lick it?
No, I don't.
You know what? No, you're right.
A-Rog's ass hair is out of control.
You're right.
He's the one that his nut hairs
encompass his
asshole hairs.
Yeah, they just like it.
Alright, A-Rog.
Terry, thank you for your participation.
You're free to go.
We look forward to seeing you in more
Asshole Hair Olympics. Have a good
week. Anyhow, next.
Nice throw out.
Where'd it go?
Where'd it go? Where'd it go?
Robert DeNiro.
Yes.
George Carlin.
DeNiro.
I've seen this one.
Oh, damn.
I forgot about that. Oh, yeah.
I'm sticking with this one.
DeNiro and Carlin.
I'm going with DeNiro.
I go with DeNiro too.
I mean, Carlin
I can see, but
DeNiro, he got
that Italian.
Yep, and he's crusty
and he's kind of crass.
Yeah, cause
that's not a bad stuff for him next week.
Okay, cool.
Maybe, maybe if he makes it through.
George Carlin,
we're free to go in the afterlife.
Thank you for your participation and have a
good week.
Next on the docket.
With DeNiro, okay.
How about a couple of musicians?
Yeah, they're always good.
Oh, damn, this is going to be a tough one.
This is going to be a tough one.
Okay.
Dubnet, Dave Mustaine
and Billy Givens.
Oh.
Well, we could
always take the route that Billy
Givens is not afraid of facial
hair, so he probably never
even looks at his asshole hair or even
thinks about it, so it's probably nuts
down there. At the same time, I think
Dave Mustaine is the kind of guy
that would go around and tell people
that they have to like comb his asshole hair
because he's Dave Mustaine of
Megadeth.
I'm kind of going, yeah.
I, yeah.
I understand where you're coming from there.
I'm almost leaning
to Mustaine just because
he's got the snotty factor.
He's kind of like, I'm Dave Mustaine, fucking
you, you are going
to comb my asshole
hair and you're going to thank me for the red
asshole hair that I have because
I am a ginger.
So,
what's your...
Honestly, honestly?
Yeah.
I think I gotta
go with Dave too because
I'm seriously doubt.
If you really mean many people
have gotten close enough to check out Billy.
You're probably right.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
All I want to see is your asshole.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I don't think you'll get to that asshole.
Yeah, you're right, man.
Ebrite cuts whiskey and beer
for it so bad that you can't even be in the same
room.
He's going to go,
hey guys, check out my new...
No, that's cool.
Thank you, Billy. Sounds great.
See you later.
Okay, we have two more
matchups.
Let's go. Jack Nicholson
and Badal Castro.
Ooh.
Mmm.
Damn, damn.
I can see that one being one of the
sign horses.
Real nut tucker here.
Real nut tucker.
Wow.
I'm almost saying we give
them a draw and then fucking put them
both to the next round against somebody
else.
I mean, as a matter of
fact, I mean, they might be Hall of Fame
worthy, but we're not going to worry about that today.
There are too many stories to get to.
Yeah, because we have
one Hall of Famer in the final battle.
Yeah, and that's T. Swift.
She's...
Hang on, hang on.
Okay, so we're moving both
of them on. Let's move them both on
and not put them against each other.
Okay, tie, tie.
Alright.
Okay, so tonight's final
hair ass battle
goes to
like you
just pulled it out,
Taylor Swift
and Mark Zuckerberg.
Oh, two gingers.
Oh.
Okay.
I am going to
go with, and here's
my reasoning. Now hear me out on
this, okay?
Okay, Mark Zuckerberg
because Taylor Swift
wears those little panties on stage
and she has to watch her ass hair
somewhat.
Zuckerberg doesn't
have to at all.
And I think that he's that kind of dick where
he just lets it fucking flow everywhere.
He's like, yeah, look at my
fucking ginger asshole hair. Yeah,
look at it. It's Mark Zuckerberg
asshole hair. It's the best hair ever.
Come, come look at my
beautiful majestic
asshole hair.
And I think T. Swift has to
keep it somewhat under control.
She can't have the fucking
rambling out of those little panties she wears
on stage.
That's my
thought.
Even though she is
in the Hall of Fame.
Man,
I'm starting to wonder
maybe that ain't what
caught Travis Dalsey's attention.
Well, I don't see an asshole hair
poking out of there.
May have reminded
of his brother.
Who was in
our competition. Yes, I forgot
who he lost to, but you know what?
He might, he'll probably pop up on
the next one because Jason Kelsey
is a solid in the asshole hair
Olympics.
I'm going with T. Swift because of what I just said.
Yeah, solid, Zuckerberg.
Because I
think that T. Swift has to
has to trim her somewhere.
Because if not, they'll be
pulling out those little bitty fucking
skimpy panties she wears on stage.
And I think that she has
to keep them somewhat trimmed.
Reluctantly, but
she has to.
And Zuckerberg is just like
he's got those red ginger
ass hillers everywhere going
ha ha ha, look at me!
That is Swift.
You are in the
asshole whole thing.
She needs to be brought up
at any time.
So we got
six in a tie.
Our winners
Nancy Pelosi
Dave Mustaine
Aaron Rodgers
Robert De Niro
Madonna
Mark Zuckerberg
That is a beautiful list.
I'm very proud of this Rob.
Now, now, the
tie.
There is a tie.
Jack Nicholson
and Fidel Castro.
That one right there,
that may be the final.
That's why I said we need to tie them up
and bring them both to the next round.
That could be the final.
That could be the final square off right there.
They are both solid
all the way around.
Now, the other reason I got to
look Swift, but she is
the Hall of Fame to be brought up at
any moment.
She is the wild card.
And also, I think the other
person that ought to have
consideration for the Hall of Fame is Mark Zuckerberg.
We'll talk about that later.
Yeah, we will. We will.
And there's a couple other ones too, if we really
wanted to get down to it, that deserve
probably Hall of Fame
status also.
But we'll get to that in a later time.
I'm happy with our picks.
I think we've done really good with this.
We still got another round to go.
Oh yeah, we do.
Yes, we do.
One question.
In the next rounds,
can the first round
losers make a reappearance?
I was going to get to that.
Yes.
You and I both have wild cards.
Okay?
And at any time, you feel
that someone is kind of
unjustly getting knocked out,
you can use your wild card either to keep
them or bring in a mystery
challenger. It can be one that's already
done or someone you picked out of thin
air.
Okay, well,
I'm saying for like round two,
some of our
losers come back and compete again.
Yes, it can be one that we've already
done or someone that you just thought of
and you said, I'm going to...
And all you got to do is you just go,
I'm throwing my wild card up.
Like, let's say
we're doing Castro
against
Gibbons.
Okay? Yeah. And all
of a sudden, wild card,
then all of a sudden, the game has to
stop and you have to introduce
who you want pitted up against to.
Awesome.
Yeah, and it can be someone we've already done
that you want back in that you think
was unfairly ousted,
or it could be someone that we never thought of
that you think deserves to be in there.
And when does wild
cards start?
Next round or from now on?
Next round.
From now on.
Okay. From now on,
when we get to the
Elite Eight, is
wild card eligible?
How many people we have left?
Well, we're at six with a tie,
so we're at eight. Okay.
We're at the Elite Eight, so
next round is wild
card eligible.
One
person each.
Yeah, I mean, it's wherever
it lands, whether it's eight people,
it's gotta be eight people or below.
So whenever we reach
eight or six or whoever,
then
we're wild card
eligible.
That's all I'm saying. Next week we can bring
somebody back. Yes.
Cause we're eight now.
Yes.
Okay. Okay.
Sounds good to me.
Alright.
So, anyhow, we'll
be right back with
Breakfast for Wars.
As much fun as an
electric can opener to the scrotum,
two douchebags in a microphone.
Help! Help! Help!
Oh lord,
that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't
worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no!
That drunk guy just hit my child!
It's okay.
I have a clown nose.
Clown nose!
Just put one on and you can do anything!
Wanna run for office?
Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam!
Everyone laughs!
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and
pedophile conventions. Grab one today and make magic happen.
Hey look, I think we found land!
Oh my god, I think we're safe!
Oh no!
Island of horrible jokes!
What did the coach say to the vending machine?
Give me my quarterback!
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes in?
Hey! Who took a dump in the cooler?
Alright, welcome back baby bitches, this is Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Two douchebags in a microphone, we are.
As before promised, breakfast food wars.
This is the same thing as before.
It started out...
You're making me hungry now.
Oh, when I get done with this list you'll be hungry.
Definitely. Even worse.
There's some good stuff on here.
So like always, I was walking through a Costco or something like that.
I was going through the fruit department. This is how it originated.
And I'm sitting there looking at the peaches and oranges or the bananas and the grapes.
I'm like, what would happen if one of those fucking bananas jumped up and just started kicking the shit out of that orange?
Who would win?
And then that's how this whole thing originated in my fucked up brain.
We need to walk through a grocery store together because between your mind and my mind we'd have some hellish...
Oh yeah, we would.
We'll have to make a point of that.
So this is breakfast food wars.
Like I said, we were at the Crescent Hotel.
Pretty good storm ripping through Eureka Springs.
This is the day we were scheduled to come home.
And we really had nothing to do. It was really storming.
And we really didn't want to do any more shopping inside anywhere.
Nothing was open actually because it was Sunday morning.
Right.
Or no, it was Saturday morning. Saturday morning.
But nothing was open yet.
So we're like, you know, we're not going to stay around three hours.
The store will be through in an hour.
So we're going to go have breakfast.
And anyhow, I'm looking at this buffet with all these different breakfast foods.
I'm like, man, I see some potential really good bites here.
So here we go.
The first breakfast food war.
Bacon versus sausage.
Hmm.
I know that's a tough one, isn't it?
Now the thing I want to know, is it thick cut or is it a...
Sausage.
Okay, sausage.
Because it's round and it's tough and it's kind of...
It's kind of, I don't know, kind of toughish put together well.
But if you put sausage in a link, it's like a baseball bat.
It'll beat the hell out of it.
Good point.
Alright, sausage it is.
Ham versus egg.
Eggs.
Now could eggs like pop themselves if they're over easy and maybe like drown ham?
See, that's what I was wondering.
Get that slime in the eyes.
I'm going to go with that.
Kind of like that black egg where you had the peppers in the glass.
Yeah.
Okay, that convinced me right there.
Eggs.
I think eggs are going to beat ham.
Alright, eggs it is.
Not all I love ham.
I do too.
Ham's awesome, but I just think eggs can kick its ass if it does things right.
So you turn it to a black egg.
Yes.
Next one, biscuits versus grits.
That's a tough one because I think grits could like smother biscuits.
Biscuits.
You think of biscuit?
Why?
You pop the biscuit open and it's going to absorb that grit.
Ooh.
Alright, okay, you convinced me.
Biscuit it is.
This next one's odd.
So I'm going to let you hash it out and see what you think.
Because I don't really hash it out.
Okay, eggs Benedict.
I don't know, I'm doing pretty good tonight.
You are?
Eggs Benedict versus quiche.
Good luck.
Damn.
There you go with the covered and the running over.
I'm going to go with quiche.
Okay, quiche.
That's who I was going to go with.
I think quiche is just going to stand up and it's going to fly swatter that thing.
I think the quiche is a lot tougher than people give it credit for.
Yeah, I think quiche is even folded up, it's just going to stand up and fly swatter.
Now I think it's going to just beat the shit out of eggs Benedict.
Yeah.
Okay.
This next one is really tough, but I've got a definite favorite on it.
Fried potatoes versus hash browns.
Now I want to know if the fried potatoes have onions.
They have onions and they go through.
Yeah, definitely.
Okay, let's say with onions they beat the hell out of hash browns, agreed?
No, you know what?
Well think about it.
I'd give it to hash browns all the way around.
Really, why?
Hash browns don't cover it like a net.
Well, here's where I looked at it.
No matter what it is.
Here's where I thought that onions are not.
Onions would make the hash browns cry, therefore making fried potatoes be able to jump it really quick and win.
Well hash browns still are shredded, so it's like a net.
Hmm.
That was my thought.
Yeah, okay.
You know what, I agree with that.
Let's move those on.
Okay, it's a draw.
Okay.
Well, no, no, no, actually it should be hash browns.
Here's why.
Okay, when the onions are cooked they lose their power of making you cry.
Yeah.
It mulls them out.
So they're not going to make the hash browns cry.
So the hash browns will kick the shit out of the fried potatoes.
That's what I was saying.
Hash browns mix waste together like a net.
Yeah, yep.
I would like a net.
Yeah, that's true.
Bagel versus toast.
Bagel.
Bagel's a tough little bastard.
This next one could be...
Bagels.
Bagels are bigger and heavier.
Yeah, they're like really thick.
Pounced on a piece of toast.
They're really thick and kind of spongy and more...
Yeah.
Pounced on.
Yep.
Cinnamon roll versus bear claw.
I like how you go bear claw.
Me too.
Just the name, bear claw.
Yeah, and it's hard and crusty.
Yep.
Pancakes versus avocado toast.
Pancakes.
Cereal versus oatmeal.
I say oatmeal.
Oatmeal's smaller.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah.
Next one, breath.
Breakfast pizza versus breakfast scrambler bowl.
Pizza.
Yeah, every time a piece on top of the bowl, it can't move.
Can't move, yep.
And last...
And the blanket.
Last but not least, omelet versus breakfast burrito.
Burrito.
Yeah, burrito's like thick and round and just...
The burrito would turn to a bat and beat the hell out of it.
Yeah, and beat the hell out of the omelet.
Smash the ingredients into nothing and it walks off laughing.
Yep.
And anyhow, the...
Yep, there you go.
All right.
So you have anything you want to add?
Do you want to keep going?
Do you want to call it an evening?
What do you want to do, Rob?
Yeah, I'm getting a little tired, my friend.
All right, you have any final thoughts, huh?
Wait a second, wait a second.
I do have one thing.
Okay.
We were talking about Gunja and Rose's earlier.
Oh yeah, yeah.
I've had this pulled out just waiting to read it.
Okay.
Gunja and Rose is expected to officially release the shelved Chinese Democracy era song, perhaps, on Friday, August 11th.
Oh yes, the new JNR song.
I didn't know it was from Chinese Democracy.
Okay.
It's shelved Chinese Democracy era song.
But they're finally releasing it.
Gunja and Rose's reportedly soundchecked, perhaps, the head of the band's concert in Tel Aviv, Israel, on June 5th.
But, in the end, that's not the song we're going to be listening to.
Okay.
I'm waiting for the song myself.
I think it's going to be good.
Yeah, I really think it is.
And that's what, this Friday?
Yes.
I'm waiting for it.
Are you ready for the final thought?
I have one.
I do not tonight.
Okay, that's fine. I've got one.
I'll see you next time.
Okay.
My final thought, the 96-year-old Dick Van Dyke on staying young and looking fit.
Which he does.
He does push-ups every day. He does weights. He does exercise bike. He's 96 years old and he looks fantastic.
Especially for 96.
He said, in my 70s, I exercised to stay ambulatory.
In my 80s, I exercised to avoid assisted living.
In my 90s, I exercised for defiance.
There you go. Thank you, Mr. Dick Van Dyke. You are a gem, a credit, a one-of-the-kind.
We love you and I hope you live forever.
Anyhow, everybody.
And a fellow Missouri resident.
Oh yes, that's right.
Born and raised in West Plains, Missouri.
Yes, he was. You can go to West Plains and see his big plaque thing there.
Yes, you can.
Yep, yep. Very good catch there, Rob.
And Rob, on that note.
Another part of Ozark history.
It is, even though the West Plains are kind of a let-down because everyone says it's Ozarks.
You go there and there's really not any hills.
No, it's...well, West Plains is more closer to the...
Boothill.
...Kenneth-C. Yeah, Boothill, Tennessee line.
But anyhow, alright Rob, you have a fantastic evening. Thank you for being a part of this podcast again.
You too.
Alright man, take care. Everybody out there, we will see you next time.
Same bat time.
Good night.
Same bat channel.
Hey, where did everybody go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my god, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Ugh, I'm glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Man, that smells.