from the beautiful crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it is Tootbooshbags and
Microphone Podcast.
Do they make ear condoms?
I certainly need them for this garbage.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Mary, your grandmother always used to say that you were a
master-maid.
Well, I guess they finally figured out the microphone.
Idiots.
Two Shirley Tipples and a bottle of scotch will be right back.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
Two douchebags and a microphone invade your ear holes in.
Hey, who took a dump in the cooler?
Hi everybody, this is Tootbooshbags and Microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Rob, you know we got a new email.
Do we?
Yes.
It is, let me make sure I have this correct here.
I'm going to get on my phone here where I have it and I'm going to make damn sure that
I have the right one before I give it out.
So if you have something you want to say like you'll hear on the promo, let loose with it
at this address.
It's a Yahoo address.
And I was able to disattach it from everything else.
Okay, it is D-O-U-C-H-E-B-6-6 at Yahoo.com.
So it spells douche with a B. 6-6 at Yahoo.com.
And there's a promo that will be running every single show with a voice guide telling you
what it is.
So all the people that have bitched me about sending emails and them not going through
to the GoDaddy account, now you have that.
You can send it to that and quite frankly I think I'm going to go ahead and maybe do
away with two douchebags and microphone dot net because one of the main functions was
number one I can only put the top five, the last five podcasts on there.
I don't like that.
I mean I'd rather them go be able to get anything from anywhere.
It doesn't seem like I can sub.
The whole thing about going to GoDaddy is a computer dummy like me is supposed to be
able to use it and figure it out.
Well anyhow, so we'll see.
I may keep it or I may move it somewhere.
So we'll see.
So I just know that we need it to work better.
So anyhow, we have this separate email account that I can get from anywhere.
And I will give you the codes to it too.
So if you want to take a look at it, if I don't have time or whatever, we can both get
to it.
So I'll give you the passwords and all that good shit.
So anyway, okay.
So I just got back a couple hours ago from our little mini vacay in Eureka Springs.
Oh yeah, it was fun.
On the way back over the exit just north of Nevada, Missouri, yes I said Nevada because
they do not call it Nevada.
Even though it is spelled just like Nevada, they say it is not Nevada.
Just kind of like Miami, Oklahoma is Miami.
You don't go down there and call it Miami because they will very quickly correct you
and sternly and not very politely say it is not Miami, it's Miami.
Well that is the way they are in Nevada.
We're not Nevada.
You are very correct there, they will cite you for that.
Yes, and I used to go there and call it Nevada just to piss them off.
So anyhow, but hey, one of my best friends ever, Bob, he was born and raised there so
they did a good job with him, but he is no longer with us so now I can go back to teasing
Nevada constantly.
Nevada, Nevada, Nevada, Nevada.
So we're on the exit just north of there which is still a Nevada exit.
But you can get to Nevada by going around the access road and all that stuff.
So there is this met doubt looking chick on the overpass with a road work highway sign
holding it in the air trying to get everybody to look at it.
And I was afraid she was going to let loose with it so I just fucking, I gunned the jeep
and I get the hell out of there because I can see that bitch.
If you see something on the news about someone killing someone over there in Nevada with
a highway sign, that bitch did it.
It was insane.
I'll take an eye out for that.
Oh my god.
I go Val, I don't fucking believe this because she was like, I don't know, looking back for
something.
I go look at that shit up there.
What?
I go that's a fucking crazy ass bitch up there with a huge highway sign.
I said yeah, she's pointing out right now but Val's like me, yeah, she's probably going
to throw it at somebody when she gets, I don't know, thinks something in her met doubt brain
or something.
So anyhow, she's up there holding it up trying to get people to look at it.
It's like, okay bitch, alright, let's play devil's advocate here if you will.
Let's say that her son was killed, he was working in a work zone and someone ran him
over.
Okay?
There was no road work around.
So there's no, let's just say it was that, right?
She was like all freaked out because her son was killed or her husband was killed in a
work zone.
So it was, you know, whoever it was was part of the highway department or whatever, right?
There was no road work around.
So in other words, even if she had a good excuse, which I'm sure she didn't because
she looked met doubt to me, there was no road work to illustrate this with.
It's like, well, I would gladly slow down to 50 or 45, but there's no road work bitch.
So why are you holding this up?
And not only that, but you could barely see it from the road anyhow.
It's way up on the, it's a high overpass.
It's one of the really high ones.
It's one of the ones that they built later when they went to interstate because the interstate
has to have all overpasses.
This was a later one that they built to make it I-49 instead of 71 South.
It's I-49 South.
So, so they built the later ones higher.
They built them up higher.
So you could barely see her as it was.
So anyhow, I'm pretty sure, looked to me like she was a met doubt freak and she was sitting
there with that highway sign and I hoped to God she did not kill someone or destroy their
car or critically injure or kind of injure anybody.
So anyhow, that was interesting.
We were running into a really good thunderstorm this morning.
It was really cool.
We were, we stayed the first couple of nights at this place called Flat Iron Flats, which
is a fantastic place and I really, really suggest that.
And then the last place that we stayed at was Lake Lucerne, but we picked the wrong
one.
Well, I picked the wrong one because I didn't know the area.
I picked the one that was double the price and also didn't have any lake access.
So anyhow, I will be leaving a really scathing review to them because it really pissed me
off.
This, they have it managed by this vacation people.
I don't know if they're time share people or whatever, but they're based in Oregon and
their names, Vecasso, Vecoso, Vecasa, I think it's Vecasa.
And anyhow, we were trying to get in just an hour earlier and you have to go through
booking.com and say, hey, can you give us an earlier time?
Well, first I tried for two hours because it was like fucking a hundred degrees down
there and we had to leave at one place at one o'clock and we couldn't check into the
other place till four and we'd already eaten.
So we didn't really have a place to go into.
So we drive down there, they denied me, I went through booking.com, how they have it
set up and it says, would you like to request an earlier check in time?
So we couldn't check in till four so I asked from two to three, they denied it.
Then I asked from three to four, they denied it again.
So I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with these guys?
So anyhow, we go down there just to check out where it's at because it's way in the
wilderness and a couple of people, because we had to keep turning around because it wasn't
clearly marked the cabins.
So turn around and I'm coming back and, oh, okay, there it is, Lakefront number four,
all right.
But before we get there, a couple of people, they're the cleaning guys, they stop us and
like, are you going in this cabin here?
No, no, no, we got number four.
This is number four right here, right?
Lakefront and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's number four.
Okay.
So, well, you know what?
I got denied by the Vekasa.
Is there any reason we can't get in there?
I know we already cleaned it.
We cleaned it about an hour ago.
You should be able to get right in.
So they gave us a pin number when I bought the thing, right?
So I hope that pin number doesn't work.
So we're sitting in front in the blazing heat and I call the Vekasa and this fucking bitch
on there could, I could hear her rolling her eyes.
This is how much she gave a shit.
And I'm like, you know, we're sitting out here and, you know, we're dripping in sweat
and we would love to get into our room and we know it's ready for a fact because the
cleaning guys came up to us to find out what we were doing.
And we're like, well, we're, you know, we need to get into our room if we can.
Is it done?
And they said, yes, it's clean.
So I said, our pin number doesn't work.
And she goes, well, they'll send you another pin number.
I go, well, when?
Oh, at four o'clock.
I go, come on now.
It's already, you know, it's already done.
The room's already done.
It's getting close to three o'clock.
Can't you just give me a pin number now or have them send me one?
Oh, it'll be sometime around four.
And I said, why not?
And she said, well, she goes, because that's the way it works.
I go, no, no, no, no, no.
I said, why don't you just say it like it is?
You're not going to help me because you don't want to.
No, no, no.
They have a system of doing things.
And I go, and there's also a way of doing things if you do something about it.
And I said, you could have them give me a pin number because the room is obviously ready.
And she goes, no, it'll arrive when it's supposed to.
And I said, all right.
I said, that's fine.
We're going to sit out here and sweat.
But every fucking minute I'm sweating, I'm writing a scathing review.
I said, so have it your way.
I said, everyone's going to know about your shitty business practices.
And I didn't tell them I had a podcast.
But in my opinion, Vakasa is a piece of shit company because I asked them repeatedly to
go in early and they would not let me in the cabin early.
They charged me a $79 cleaning fee.
And they charged, and I know Lake Access where the place right across the road, Lake Lucerne
Resort, they own the lake.
This place over there that Vakasa is fucking responsible for taking care of, I don't know
who actually owns it.
But anyhow, they would have nothing to do with letting us in early.
And they charged us almost double than what the other place did because we talked to the
other lady because that was the directions that Google gave me, is went to the resort.
And she already informed me all about them.
She goes, yeah, you picked the wrong place.
I said, well, I go.
So above all else, no lake access, one bedroom at this place, this Vakasa sponsored place,
Lake Lucerne Resort, three bedrooms, $100 cheaper and right on the lake like the other
side of Lake Lucerne.
And this is Lake Lucerne Resort is where you want to go with the better deals.
And also they don't have these bullshit rules.
They never did text me the code at 4pm.
And it was actually 4.30 when I actually got it because I had to call them to get the new
code because those fucks never did call me like they said.
So if I would have never called them, I would have been sitting out in front of that place
forever.
And because of that, Vakasa and whoever owns these places, and I'm going to find out who
owns them and I'm going to broadcast it on the podcast as soon as I find out.
You guys suck and you guys should be out of business and fuck both of you.
In my opinion, you're one of the worst companies around for any type of rental.
So eat shit.
You guys suck.
I hope you fucks go out of business.
I've been in Eureka Springs for 20 some fucking years and I said, you know what?
And I said the first time, I didn't say fucking, but you know, I said this is the first time
I ever heard of Lake Lucerne.
So you know, I was looking around for cabins available.
This is the first one I could find.
And she goes, okay, I understand.
And so anyhow, I could have canceled, but they were part of the cost that they charge
you so much.
They buy you insurance for you and it's going to take you three months to get your money
back and anyhow, so next time I will not be booking across the lake.
I will be booking with Lake Lucerne Resort.
They're the good people in my opinion.
And in my opinion, Vakasa and the people that own the other side of that lake are pieces
of crap and do shitty business practices.
And in my opinion, stay away from them from all costs allegedly and all that good shit.
But this is my opinion, the way I feel and I'm one.
I got my Crescent hotel gag, which I just thought of because we was at the Taylor Swift,
his digits.
Alan appeared to spot one main issue at Kelsey's plan to introduce himself to her.
Travis Kelsey tried to hang out with her and she said, no.
Do you have any advice for players who want to attract superstar talents?
Adams asked the quarterback.
Alan quipped, not friendship bracelets.
Poking fun at Kelsey trying to get a personalized bracelet to Swift with his number on it.
I thought that was a clever answer because that's what Kelsey did.
We reported this a few podcasts ago where he gave her a friendship bracelet with his
number on it.
Alan wanted to say he was stunned at her shutdown on Kelsey.
He's a fun, great guy.
He will probably have more chances at trying again, I'm sure.
Good luck to him is what Josh Allen said.
And Josh Allen is a good guy.
I mean, he really is.
And him and the Holmes and Kelsey are all good friends.
And you know, that's cool.
That's cool that they're all friends.
And you know, because it is just a game, even though sometimes we don't think it's just
a game.
It is just a game.
And I thought that's cool.
So a little bit later on, you know, you know, our Mr. X or Dr. X or whoever he is that,
you know, that uncovers all these.
Yeah, our spy.
Well, this time he was at the sex toy, what would you call it?
Warehouse or whatever.
And they were trying new sex toys out.
And he got us, you know, yeah, he sent me an email.
He said, you know the drill, 10 minutes and this email is gone.
Download it, print it.
And because in 10 minutes this thing is gone.
I was lucky enough to catch this one.
So anyhow, I went over there, I hit print, printed it out and we have a list of sex toys
that have failed.
So yes, it is a little bit later on.
We can go to the Asshole Hare Olympics if you want.
Yes, sounds good.
Okay.
But until then, I have a virtual influencer.
You know what a virtual influencer is, Rob?
I'm pretty sure you do.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's an AI generated influencer.
So you know that jackass Jackson Mahomes, he's an influencer.
For whatever reason, I don't know why.
So but anyhow, he, you know, he's an influencer.
Well, this person is an influencer, only they are artificial intelligence.
So virtual influencer Mila Sofia is garnering the attention of men on social media posing
in a tiny black bikini, gorgeous gowns and even golf attire.
There's only one catch.
She's not real.
The Finland based influencer openly discusses that she is artificial intelligence.
However, that is not curved the millions of men and some women from being super fans of
her.
Many of them express how they want to meet her in person.
I got, I got this for them.
Just wow.
But I will add this.
You know, in Japan, their main thing, one of their main things is they want to come
up with a an artificial intelligence sex robot.
They want that.
I've read that.
Yes, they are crazy about that idea.
So to me, this is kind of an extension of that.
And I know they're not all Japanese men.
There's men from everywhere.
But I think that there's a certain fascination of not of this world.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Yeah.
And you know, as of right now, she is one of the top influencers in the world with millions
as a fan base and generating millions of dollars.
And she's not even real.
And mark my words, one of these days, some lawyer will get it to where you can't call
them not real.
You watch.
And they will have rights.
Because I mean, a lot of terminator or something like that, there will be something coming
up that there's going to be lawsuits.
And you'll see.
So I don't like predicting that.
But I'm certain of it.
And anyhow, you know, if I ever told you about, you know, Crescent Hotel is there in Eureka
Springs and I had my you know, we had our little mini vacay there.
So we went to the Crescent a couple of times because it's just a cool hotel.
We go there and eat.
Often they have a pizza parlor up in the very top floor that you can overlook the mountains.
It's just beautiful.
And it's open air.
I mean, it has a rip over it, but it's open air.
So you know, you can you can actually like throw a piece of bread down or a piece of
pizza or something or whatever down onto the ground below if you want.
But it's open air and it's really cool.
And so and then they have really good places to eat downstairs, too.
So we've been there a few times on this trip and I was sitting there and I was sitting
on the back big back porch that they have.
And I was looking at people over there.
The hot tub was nobody was in the hot tub because it was too hot is 100 plus degrees
there.
And I remember about my little Crescent Hotel gag.
And I kind of wrote it down a little bit so I could explain this to the people.
So anyhow, we had a room booked at the Basin Park Hotel August of 2021.
The hotel shut down for a week to deep clean and gear towards fall.
They were not supposed to book during that time.
They booked me and Val by mistake as a good will gesture.
They gave us a premium balcony balcony room at their sister hotel, the Crescent, America's
most haunted hotel.
This was a premium balcony suite, one floor above the outdoor hot tub.
So I sit in the balcony in the midnight darkness when I hear people talking ghost stories in
the in the hot tub right below me.
Right.
All our lights are off and I'm just sitting there looking at the skies.
It's beautiful.
There's not much light out there.
As a matter of fact, I didn't know there was a hot tub below me until I heard people talking
ghost stories.
I looked down there and I'm like, Oh, what the hell is that?
I'm like, Oh shit, that's a hot tub.
And there wasn't any really lights.
There's very dim lights down there.
And I think they wanted it like that.
So I thought, huh, this is kind of cool.
So I start quietly, but enough for them to barely hear.
I'm going, I'm Billy the ghost.
Woohoo.
And I did this several times and I tell one of them quietly talk about what they just
barely heard.
So I stopped for a few minutes until they forgot about it.
And then I start with a chant again.
I eventually got bored and I went inside, but I'm sure they still comment about this
to this day.
I still school.
I still screw with the ghost tours because the, the, the ghost tours are, they start
off at the basin park hotel, downtown Eureka Springs.
The Crescent isn't on the top of the bluff on the other side.
And where we stay is right across from the basin park of the flat iron flat suites.
So I'm out there on the balcony.
Okay.
And the ghost tours are out there and they started at the basin park hotel and they worked
their way.
It's a walking tour and they work their way up to the top of that hill, right?
Hill, not the top of the hill, but where the hill crests at and there's a lot of businesses
there and they start talking about events that happen there and even some underground
stuff that they have there.
Like they have a series of underground places and tunnels and stuff.
And it really is pretty interesting, but what I'll do is, oh, go ahead.
I was just going to say I've heard of that tour.
It's really, it's really cool.
You get a chance to do it.
So it sounds like something that would interest.
It's very interesting because they give a lot of history and it's all true.
So anyhow, when he's sitting there talking ghost stories, every now and then I'm sitting
there on the balcony.
They can see me and anyhow, I'll go, boo.
And anyhow, the ghost guide, the tour guide, he hates me.
That guy hates me.
He looks me in the eye with sheer rage every time I do it.
And I did it three times when I was up on the balcony this time and that guy wants to
kill me.
I did it last time.
I did it last year.
Every time I stay, every time I stay there, the time before a month ago or whatever, we
stayed at Hidden Springs.
So I didn't stay at the Flat Iron Suites, but I screw with this guy so bad and he looks
me in the eye with this look like he would just rip my head off if he ever caught me
in person.
Luckily, it's not caught me in person, but he'll be sitting there talking and then the
guy turned around and I go, boo.
He just glares at me.
Some people laugh.
Some people give me a look and disgust.
Some people don't care, but it's funnier than hell because you either get it or you don't.
You know what I mean?
It's just like a little ha ha and that's all, but I understand him.
He's trying to get tips and come up with an effect and scare people.
There I am making a mockery of it going, boo.
I get it.
I get why he's mad at me.
It's not going to stop me from doing it.
Anyhow, Rob, what have you got going on?
You got anything you want to say?
Yeah.
I got a new announcement.
By the way, the way you're doing your microphone here, this is much better.
Yeah.
Sounds great.
Good.
Go ahead.
Well, like I said, I was doubling up on my earpods hoping I'd have more mic.
I think it was too much mic, so I dropped back some more.
It sounds great.
We'll see how it goes.
There is a new event scheduled at Ozarks Ample Theater here in Campton.
Oh, really?
The same amphitheater where 38 Special is going to be on October 3rd.
All right.
It's a taco and margarita festival.
When is it?
September 16th.
Taco and margarita festival.
What a great idea.
The taco and margarita festival is coming to the Ozarks Ample Theater in Campton.
Mary Kelly Van Bindel, director of operations for the amphitheater, says the festival will
feature more than just tacos and margaritas.
You're going to love this part.
This is almost, almost as good as Testicle Festival.
Oh, I've got a million flyers for Testicle Festival.
They were all over Eureka Springs.
Okay.
It's much more than that.
We've got mud wrestling next door at our neighbor's parking lot.
Oh.
Professional wrestling.
And there's going to be a taco eating contest.
There's also going to be a battle of the bands contest.
It will run from 11 to 5 on Saturday, September 16th.
That sounds like a good day to me.
All I've got to say is too bad Donnie Baker passed away.
Yes.
Yeah.
He would have already had VIP tickets the day they announced it.
He would have already had them.
Yes, he would.
Yeah.
Wow.
My wrestling.
And professional wrestling.
Man.
I hear the angels sing whenever you say about that.
Will you say the whole thing again so I can hear angels and harps in my head?
A taco festival, mud wrestling, regular wrestling, a taco eating contest, and margaritas.
And a battle of the bands.
That's like 10 things on my bucket list at once.
Yes, it is.
Yeah.
That's why I think you would like to hear about that.
Yes, I do.
Wow.
I'm going to look that up online too.
That sounds great.
Yeah.
Wow.
That's cool.
Very, very cool.
Yeah.
That's right up my alley there.
Yeah.
All right.
Cool.
Got other things?
Yeah.
Got a jump out of the list here.
All righty.
Go forth, Rob.
This is your floor.
You can find it here.
There it is.
This kind of hits close to home.
Oh, good.
After almost half a century at Walmart, one woman is retiring, but she's not just an employee.
Jane Marshall is Walmart's first female manager.
Get back here.
Jane Marshall is Walmart's first female manager in the nation, and she's worked here in Missouri
her whole life.
I didn't know that.
Cool.
Yeah.
We salute you.
Yeah.
I'm going to just skip part of this here.
That's okay.
Marshall started her journey with the Superstore at the age of 23 in 1975.
Wow.
She was finishing school and needed to make money, so she joined the Walmart team working
in apparel.
Four years later, she was asked by the Walts, the store's owner, to be the manager of the
store in Wausau, Missouri.
She finally returned to be manager at the Clinton store in 1986 and never left.
I've been to both of those stores, actually.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah.
Yeah, she finally retired after 48 years of service.
I salute her.
What is her name again?
Jane Marshall.
Great job.
Yeah.
We salute you.
Fantastic.
Yes, we do.
All right.
You got anything else on the docket there, or do you want me to go into something, then
come back, or... How do you want to do this, Rob?
Oh, you got something?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, like I said, Mr. X or Dr. X.
Yes.
Let's call him Jeffy X. Jeffy X.
I like that.
Yeah, Jeffy X. Yeah, Jeffy.
You can't go wrong with Jeffy.
You see a little blonde, curly-headed kid that grew up and looks exactly the same, and
he's like a nerd that works for this huge corporation, and he's going around spying
and grabbing stuff that he shouldn't for two dish bags and a microphone because he's such
a dedicated, good guy.
So, thank you, Jeffy X. What we have today is sex toys that failed.
So he sent me an email, like I said, and it said, grab this thing in 10 minutes, and then
poof, it's gone.
So, exactly eight and a half minutes into it, I printed it.
By the time I got done reading it over, I went back to look for the email, and it was
gone, like he said.
So, we're going to take a slight break, and we will be back right after this with famous
sex toys that failed, or not famous sex toys, should have been famous sex toys that they
nixed before they even brought them out.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Man, I sure wish I was the garbage man.
You know what I could do if I was the garbage man?
I could go to the wrong parts of town on the wrong days periodically in the morning, and
then watch everybody run out of their house in their underwear with two bags of trash
screaming, stop, halt.
Yeah, that's what I'd love to do.
When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water, because nobody likes
a stinky asshole.
Oh shit, what's that over there?
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
Ugh.
What do you call a bundle of hay in church?
Christian Bale.
Okay, two douchebags and microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, as promised, we are back, and we are back with Jeffy, was it Jeffy?
Jeffy.
Jeffy X's new list.
New list of, this time it's Sex Toys That Failed.
So, a lot of these, there's a couple of them I can see why, but most of them I'm like,
why?
So, anyhow, the first one he has on the list is Butt Plugs with Drano.
I mean, yeah, a little harsh.
I actually see why that one failed.
Yeah, you know, I think there's probably some guys that may be into that, and some females
that are into that, but I would say that mostly I can understand why it failed.
Yeah.
Yeah, so, yeah, yeah, I get it.
I mean, can you imagine the panel that had to test run those?
Oh my God.
Yeah, boy, I mean, what did they give them, like a $50 gift certificate to Chipotle or
something, or, you know, and then they all have it.
Pay their ER bill.
It's probably in the fine writing when you go in there and sign up for those little focus
groups.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, normally you do have to do that.
You're on your own.
Yeah, yeah, so there's like some people missing an asshole, or their, or I don't know, whatever
the hell is all up there near there.
So, so, anyhow, yeah, Butt Plugs with Drano did not work.
They nixed it.
So, you will not be seeing those at a local Cirilla's or whatever.
I don't know what stores anyone has around them, but whatever, at your local kink shop.
So, next one.
I could see Gen Z trying that.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I could see them too.
Yes, yeah.
And then they're complaining because they can't shit right.
Right.
I don't get it.
My asshole's not been working right ever since I did that Butt Plug with Drano.
So odd.
So, anyhow, next one.
This one, I guess it depends on your taste and your pain tolerance.
Ghost Pepper condoms.
I mean, you know, some people like Ghost Pepper.
People order Ghost Pepper in their food, right?
And for some people like me, you're...
I can't.
There's not enough Nexium in the whole world.
So I would have had to say no on that.
Well, it's a condom, so I wouldn't be having it in my mouth in the first place.
So, but for the people that would have it in their mouth or other areas, you know,
but actually a Ghost Pepper, you know, Ghost Pepper, you can put that on your penis
and will probably burn like hell.
Yeah.
So, you know, maybe they did make the right, you know, are you with me on that, Rob?
Do you think maybe they made the right choice?
I'll give them that one.
Okay.
I'll give them that one.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Whoever this is that makes these, I mean, you know, like Douche Flavors or Masingale.
I don't know who makes these, but whoever does these, I guess I see that.
This next one, again, it depends on your pain tolerance and who you're having sex with.
Barbed wire cock rings.
I mean, again, I mean, I guess I see their point.
You know, some would get pretty tore up with them.
But then again, some people probably like that, right?
Couldn't they put like a heavy warning on it?
Like, I'm sure there is a market for that.
Yeah.
Do you think the liability is too much?
Is that it?
They're like, look, someone's going to tear up their parts down there and then they're
going to come back and sue us because we sold it.
You think that's it?
I think they would be used in a secret room.
Yeah.
That's all I'm going to say.
Yeah.
I think that a lot of different aspects of this probably scared the maker off.
Yes.
Yeah.
I just don't see the market being that big.
Yeah.
Me neither.
They could sell a few, but yeah.
You know, that's it.
You know, they probably did a focus panel, like 300 people, like three of them were like,
yeah.
And then the other, you know, 297 or like 96 are like, no, no.
The next one, sage flavored edible panties.
I mean, look, I like sage and meatloaf and other stuff, right?
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
You know, maybe some people like the taste of sage that well that they wanted on edible
panties.
You know, who are we to say, right?
Right.
Yeah.
But you think usually it's mixed with something else.
You think that's it.
You think like maybe they should have like, I don't know, made a little hamburger flavor
on there too and maybe a little ketchup flavor and went with meatloaf or something.
Little stompton.
Yeah.
So sage alone was just like too bad of an idea because it's, it's a sandalwood.
Little turkey flavoring.
Yeah.
A little sage, turkey, peppered turkey like that.
Yeah.
So Rob, I think you're onto something.
You know what?
Yeah.
If the maker of this bothers to listen to us here at Two Douchebags and Microphone, they
may have their next big hit.
We could share that one for them.
You know what?
I'm going to send that back to Jeffy X. Okay?
Okay.
And I'm going to say, hey, whoever came up with this, our suggestion is, is sage turkey
flavored edible panties.
Yeah.
It's not like opening the spice bottle and dumping it in your mouth.
Rob, you are bringing tears to my eyes with this.
Yeah.
I, you are such a trooper coming up with that.
Rob, I salute you as an American and a human being for coming up with that.
Well, thank you.
You are welcome.
Amazing work.
Amazing work, my friend.
I, I, I got to get a Kleenex.
Hang on.
Okay.
Tears are wiped away.
Next one.
Well, I don't agree with this one.
This one hurts my feelings, Rob.
You know what it is?
What?
A DVD of the hairy asshole Olympics.
What the hell?
We're on your guys' side.
Why did you put us in there and deny us?
Rob, I don't know what to do.
I'm, I'm hurt.
We do this for you.
Wow.
We do this for you out there, Joe Listener.
We do this for you.
And this is the thanks we get.
We offer you our hand in love and friendship and you smack it away.
This is what you're doing.
How can you do that to us?
Hang on.
Let me reach for the tissue now.
See what you guys did?
Okay.
Now you made Rob cry.
I'm good.
On for a loss for words, Rob.
Rob, are you, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Okay.
All right.
Look, I'm getting teary too, but we're going to have to move on and just get past this.
Yes.
Yes, we do.
You know what we're going to have to do?
We're going to have to do more Harry asshole Olympics just to spite them.
Oh, it's on.
It's on now.
You bitches are never going to get a single episode without something, a mention or at
least one fight, one pit up against each other of the asshole Olympics for that.
The Harry asshole Olympics is on forever.
You guys did it.
Okay.
We're going to finish this bottle.
Yes.
We are shaking, we are shaking our fists in the air.
I have been working on some other people to start another battle.
So it's on.
Okay.
It's on.
All right.
This, we're going on reluctantly and hurt.
I might add we're going on reluctantly and hurt, but we're carrying on for you folk,
even though we've been double crossed and betrayed.
Next one.
Sticky fly trap fish nets.
Well, I mean this, this again, that could be fun.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, I don't know.
Yeah.
You know, it's, you know, some people just don't know how to let loose, I guess.
Right.
Is that it?
The prudes stuck in the muds, wet blankets.
Yeah.
Well, once again, just like you hurt our feelings, you guys are wet blankets too.
I hope you guys are happy.
But I move on.
This next one.
Double zippered speedo.
Okay.
I get that.
You know, one wrong move and you're toast.
Yeah.
I'll do that.
It might look cool on the outside, but you make one wrong move and, you know, yeah.
I don't care if it's a pubic hair to the actual scrotum to the actual extra penis skin.
Whatever gets in there, you're fucked.
On some of them you're really fucked and some of them you're kind of fucked and some of them you're highly uncomfortable until you can do something about it.
Right.
Fair enough?
Right.
All right.
The next one.
I agree with this 100% and I don't know why it was ever presented to the American public.
And the fact that it was ever presented to the American public shows that there's people that hate you.
Barbara Streisand, graphic novel of her favorite sexual positions.
Oh, come on.
Who would have ever introduced that in the first place?
Why?
This is all I got to say to you.
Why?
Why would that ever happen in the America that we know, Rob?
I don't have a clue.
This, this once again, I'm getting teary-eyed thinking that someone would ever even suggest that idea.
Okay, and the next one, I don't agree with it all because this might be part of the fetish for somebody.
Toe condoms for foot fetishes.
What the hell's wrong with that?
Some people like to be real safe.
I can see that.
Yeah.
I can see that.
Maybe they'll feel right having their toes sucked just, you know, without any protection.
In today's society there's a lot more jewelry though.
Yeah.
So why in the world...
I can see that being a good seller.
I could too.
Why would someone deny someone the satisfaction of knowing they were not going to get any diseases from getting their toes sucked or sucking toes?
Right.
Or let's say someone had a little bit of toe jam down there, you know, they couldn't really clean it that well.
Or maybe they were on their feet all day and they just didn't have time.
Right.
So what? No problem. I have this toe condom here and I don't have to get the toe jam in my mouth, but I still have the pleasure of licking these fucking... these toes.
Yeah.
I like it.
Yeah.
I do too. I think it's a great idea and I think that it was shot down as really a blow to the American public.
I'm not even by a few.
I would too and I'm not really into toes, but I would still...
I'm not either, but that might get me into it.
Yeah, you never know. It would be like, you know, I can like do this and be safe and feel comfortable.
I mean, some people just might get into it just because of that, like you said.
Right.
So, well, anyhow, it's no longer and that's the last of the list that was sent to me.
So if you were looking for toe condoms, I guess you're going to have to wait longer because as of right now, that's a no-go.
Damn.
Very unfortunate.
So, anyhow, did you hear that...
Remember, the battle is on.
Yes, it is. Should we just go into the hairy asshole Olympics then because we were shunned so bad?
After that, I think we should.
My God, let's do it.
I got it right here.
You got it right there? All right.
Well, there you guys go. Here you go. You guys caused this. You guys caused this.
Anyhow, Rob, that's my drum solo. It's not very good. I don't do very good air drum.
I do a really good air guitar and I do fantastic air harp and cymbals, but the air drum, I'm just not good at.
Yeah, I never was either.
It's a very hard instrument to accomplish. That's for sure.
So, anyhow, this is my air drum, okay? So while you're coming up with this,
Oh, no, I'm not doing a solo. All I'm doing is introducing you.
Okay, you know what? Go ahead, Rob.
Okay, the first one.
Okay.
Who needs to judge, Colin?
whoo one's dead and one is probably talking to him in his sleep at night
um let's see
both old hairy men
what we did is we figured out a way to reincarnate George Carlin
so I'm going to say since we
reanimated George Carlin I'm going to say
the rule was we could use anybody
I know I agree with it because there's a lot of dead people that like
really fit the bill really well there is so you know
we're saluting them we're not making fun of them
we're not you know so I'm going to go with
and we love George Carlin he was fantastic
and I'm sure he's fantastic in the afterlife too
very sarcastic same thing very profound
so I'm going to go with since George Carlin
could not probably doesn't even worry about trimming his asshole hairs now
um he's in the great beyond and I'm sure that they don't even give a shit about
stuff like that
I'm going to go with George Carlin at a default
actually I think I have to go with George Carlin too
alright with him being a comedian
always on the road when will he have time to take care of himself
you know what you're right you're right alright George Carlin moves to round
three or four I don't remember
this is round four I think and if not I think so
if not then we skipped around screw you alright round four George Carlin moves to round four
alright next on the list
um let's see here who would be another good
here we go okay Maria Osment
Juliana Margolis
I'm going to go with
do you know have you ever figured out who
I don't think you knew who Juliana Margolis was right
you never figured out who she was? I'm just going with you on that one
I should look her up I'm going to go with Margolis
she's got really thick dark hair
and I know Maria Osment does too but she just looks
the way you're describing her
I'll give it to her okay alright Juliana Margolis congratulations you move on to round four
Harry asshole Olympics great job alright
next on it
here we go
okay Billy Gibbons
Alice Cooper
okay here's my thought you can argue with me if you want okay
Billy Gibbons has that large beard he's not afraid to have hair
right so I think that he lets his asshole
hair grow like his beard his facial hair so I'm going to go with Billy Gibbons
got my vote
Billy Gibbons congratulations
you're going to round four of the Harry asshole Olympics good job
sorry Alice Cooper
Alice we love you you do great music and we'll see you later on in the year
alright next on the list
Aaron Rodgers
Terry Bradshaw
oh
okay let's talk this out Rob
Aaron Rodgers is kind of surly so I think he would be very prone to growing his ass hairs out
but he's got the hippie thing going don't forget that
yeah and the hippie thing
he loves hallucinogenics but Terry Bradshaw is kind of old and disheveled
and don't look like he
I don't think he trims anything and I don't think he's trimmed anything for 30 years
he's a crusty old cowboy
so okay here's what I'm gonna do right here and you tell me whether you want to
do it like this or not
I want to go for a toss up and move them both
onto the fourth round
yeah yeah that's a good battle
that's a good battle
congratulations you moved around for to the hairy asshole Olympics good job
okay
next on the docket
Jim Kardashian and McDonough
oh
as much as I would love to move Kardashian
because I just don't like her personally
I think she's full of shit she got famous because of a sex tape
although she tries to act like she worked her ass off
for it but all she did was a fucking
swallow down a dick so I am gonna go
with Madonna because she is illustrated that she doesn't
in the past that she does not
do anything with the underarm hair and I think that if you don't do anything with
your underarm hair which is just basics
you don't do anything with your snatch or asshole hair
so I'm going and plus she's 60 something
in Italian so I'm thinking that she's not only got asshole hair
that like goes out of her underpants
but I think she might even do something creative like braid them or have them in
fucking cornrows or
or dreads or something I think it is a fucking jungle down there around her
asshole
Rob? I agree, I agree
all right
good job Madonna good job you move on
to the fourth round of the hairy asshole Olympics
yeah
all right next on the docket Rob
Nancy Pelosi
yes and John Gruden
you see
John Gruden is so fucking snippy
and so kind of crusty
and snotty but Nancy Pelosi is just such an
old fucking bag
as much as it pains for me to go this way but does it pain me
Nancy Pelosi
I gotta give it to Nancy too, I do
Nancy Pelosi congratulations you moved on to the fourth round of the hairy
asshole
Olympics good job all right next
on the docket Rob
okay next we had one that
had a bi-week
oh who was that? Pee-Lee Herman
yes because of his recent passing
do you want to reanimate him and bring him back into it?
I can't wait, he's open market
okay all right he's back in buddy
all right Pee-Lee you're back in
all right so yeah Pee-Lee Herman
okay Mark Zuckerberg
oh okay
I still contend Mark Zuckerberg
has got crazy ginger asshole hair
just all everywhere and he loves it
and it's like all over the place and he thinks it's great
because it is Mark Zuckerberg ass hair
okay but Paul Rubens
had long hair and a beard and was scruffy looking so I don't think he
took care of his asshole hair either but
I'm going with Zuckerberg because I just think that he has got
some crazy ass fucking red fucking redwood fucking jungle
growing out of his asshole
rest in peace Pee-Lee
you are now dismissed from the hairy asshole Olympics
you are free to go back to the beyond and
we wish you well and thank you for all the fun you gave us in our life
so Zuckerberg congratulations you have made it to the fourth round
of the hairy asshole Olympics good job
alright next on the docket Rob
Steven Tyler
and Michelle Obama
hmm
ah wow you got any thoughts
this is like dead even I think Michelle is just
crazy ass hairy okay I do okay
she I know Steven is too
I just think Michelle has her hair more
I think Michelle has hers in braids
okay there we go Michelle Obama
great job you have made it to the fourth round
of the hairy asshole Olympics good job
alright
next up
next up we have Robert De Niro
this is
George Stephanopoulos wow
hmm
was this a draw last time
no I don't think it was
okay I'm gonna go with De Niro
I just think that he has a little more asshole hair
for whatever reason actually I
I think I have to agree because George
has to stay somewhat trend yeah cause he's all over TV
yes or De Niro every time you see a picture of him
yeah he's
he's whatever okay we very reluctantly
give him the nod by a narrow margin congratulations Mr. De Niro you have made
it to the fourth round
of the hairy asshole Olympics great job
alright
next on the docket please Rob
okay we have
Hugh Jackman
the Dough Castro
I'm gonna go with Castro because of his crazy beard
he just looks like he'd be hairy around the asshole
I hate to say it
I think I gotta agree with you alright
so far we're still I think some of you are
my last toasting is knocked out
alright congratulations Fidel Castro reanimated
you are going to the fourth round of
the hairy asshole Olympics
next on the docket please Dave Mustaine
okay Nicholas Cage
oh
okay I'm gonna go with Mustaine
because I think he has those crazy ass red ginger hairs
he's like actually kinda hairy for kinda ginger right
and he has a beard a lot of the times he has long hair
I think that he doesn't give a shit about his hairy asshole
and I think that he makes groupies do stuff with it
like sniff it and lick it
he's a rocker man yeah you gotta give it to him
alright Dave Mustaine congratulations
you have made it to the fourth round of the hairy
asshole Olympics next on the docket please
okay we're down to one person
unmatched okay
I've got an idea to draw here's my thought
here's my thought okay
I say we move this person on just because of who it is
okay who is it Taylor Swift
yeah okay yes as a matter of fact
let's go ahead and put her on yeah and let's put her in the hairy asshole hall of fame right now
whether she wins or not she's marked
okay there you go great job Taylor Swift
T Swift you move on to the fourth round and you're also in the hall of fame
great job so look I mean
she can't do anything without coming up with an accomplishment right
I love it I do too I love Taylor Swift in this role
I do too Taylor you're a true trooper
great job alright so that being said
alright and we'll be right back in a minute
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hmm oh my god someone took a dump in the corner
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