Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue waters of the Missouri River,
it is Two Boosh Bags and Microphone Podcast.
Oh shit, what's that over there?
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
What do you call a bundle of hay in church? Christian Bale.
Two monkey fuckers and a toaster will be right back.
Not responsible for greasy residue left on your Bluetooth.
No! No!
Two douchebags and a microphone says,
you ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass?
Just asking.
Hello everybody, we are Two Douchebags and a Microphone. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, welcome. So earlier on the podcast before, since we split them up,
because one of the things about podcasting is people rarely listen over an hour.
So we usually have about 30 to 40 minutes on the drive to and from work.
So 30 and 30 is an hour, okay.
So occasionally our podcasts go over, but we do a couple of podcasts in a row
and we split them up usually to make them an hour, hour, five, hour, ten minutes each.
And that is because the average listening time of a podcast is about 45 minutes to an hour,
mainly based on people's drive time. So that's why we do it like this.
So earlier we were puffing our chests out about a new douchebags letter.
Well we have it and here it is. We're getting ready to deliver it here on this podcast.
So, we got a new dear douchebags letter Rob.
Let's do it.
Alright. Well, dear douchebags, I have a problem with a co-worker and it's very frustrating.
I constantly have to deal with Mr. Bluetooth guy.
This asswine constantly has to keep myself and everyone else within yelling distance
in his business every damn day in the break room.
The fuckhead ordering Kung Pao chicken or just having a social event with a buddy.
This annoying asshole needs to be stopped.
Signed On The Cell and Veil.
Another great, another great name, On The Cell and Veil.
Great name. Great name.
Yeah. Always. They never disappoint with their names.
So, well the rest of the content we'll see.
But, they never disappoint with their names.
So, our collaborating geniuses here at Two Douchebags and Microphone
all got together for this rebuttal.
Or answer or whatever.
Dear Veil, I have a few ideas for you that could help expedite his dial tone.
One, have multiple people right behind him drop heavy items on the floor.
Perhaps it could startle the idiot enough to hang up.
Or hurt the other person listening in on his Bluetooth
bad enough to where they hang up.
If you drop something heavy enough that will ring right through there
and whoever's listening will probably hang up on their own.
So, that's a pretty good idea, right?
Well, if I can handle heavy steel I could do that.
Oh, you could drop it on a concrete.
That would probably blow his eardrums out too.
From 20 to 28 foot.
That's going to make some noise.
That's what we need.
We need a fucking eye beam to hit the concrete
while this douchebag is on his phone and on his Bluetooth.
Yes.
Number two, obscene flashcards.
Perhaps a sketch drawing of a giraffe's penis or llama porn.
He's like, yeah, and then we went down and we went to the park
and little Jeff...
What? What'd you say, Billy?
I'll call you back.
Llama porn.
Or a sketch drawing of a giraffe's penis.
What the hell?
Somebody was really fucking demented this day, weren't they,
when they came up with answers.
That happened to me.
Yep.
Number three, point and whisper right behind him, laugh and walk off.
I like that one.
They'll never know unless they get off the phone and go,
what were you laughing at earlier behind me?
And then you always reserve the right to,
I don't know what you're talking about.
Why? Why didn't you hear me?
Were you on the phone or something?
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I didn't do that.
Make them wonder.
Number four...
I like this one a lot, this number four.
Have ten people call me in a row and hang up.
They're just talking to someone.
Hang on a minute, I'll be right back.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Click.
Alright, I'm back.
Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hey, hello?
Click.
Hey, I'm back.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hang on, I'll be right back.
Just over and over and over.
Let's see, and then let's see.
Download ten hours of goat noises
and every time make sure and connect to his phone.
Play the goat noises as long as needed.
Best of luck, hope this helps.
And that would be like I did the guy,
the old man I used to work with.
Actually, I love the goat noises.
Oh yeah, I used to make...
I love the goat noises.
You know my goat noises that I do?
Yeah.
I did it on this cruise.
And here's how my...
I'll clean you in on this.
Okay, and anyhow, this is my goat noises.
Goat noises.
Pretty good goat noise, right?
Yeah.
You hear it and you think goat.
Well, we were on...
Me and Val were on this cruise.
We had a really nice balcony.
Right next to us were some pretty fucked up people.
I mean, they were smacking furniture against the wall all night
and all this shit.
And we'd turn all the lights off on our balcony
and just listen to them.
And from what we could gather from what we heard is
their uncle with some money passed away
and left them some money for a cruise.
And that's how they got this cruise.
And it sounded like they had balconies connected,
like three of them or whatever.
So all three of them got money from this uncle or whatever
and they all were going on a cruise courtesy of him.
So they were drinking constantly
and just always yelling at each other and stuff
and yelling in the room and banging furniture and shit.
And I got tired of it.
So I was sitting out there with all the lights off
on our balcony and right next to us
there's just a partition between us.
And you can't see them.
That's how they do cruise ships.
They put a partition between you.
It's all one balcony and they put a partition between you.
So you can't see the people next to you.
So I'm sitting there in the corner in the dark in my chair
and they're out there talking
and I start doing the goat noises.
And you know, like when I was talking going,
yeah, and then I went down there to the homeless shop
and I start going really low.
And you can hear them stop
and you can hear them not talking for a while
and you can almost hear them looking around.
And then one of them goes, did you hear that?
And I was like, yeah, I heard something.
It sounds like a goat.
And they're sitting there like discussing about, you know,
how could there be a goat on here?
So I waited about 10 more minutes.
They just got back to talking and laughing and big ha ha.
And all of a sudden I start going,
and then next thing you know, they stop.
And they didn't say anything this time.
Like they're bound to determine,
they're going to catch this goat noise.
And you could like kind of like see them a little bit
with a light from them about how they're kind of like
shushing each other and looking around.
And they could not figure out where this noise is coming from.
They're all freaked out.
They thought nobody was next to them
because all our lights were off.
And we're just sitting there in the corner
fucking with them.
So anyhow, the next night we come back from dinner on the cruise
and they were fumigating their whole room
because they got so fucked up.
They went to the infirmary.
And if you go to the ship hospital
and you say you're sick from alcohol,
they automatically don't believe you.
They think that there's this chance that you could have
some sort of a bug that can make the whole,
the whole fucking ship sick, right?
So they throw you in there
and they don't let you out until you're better.
So they were gone for a day and a half
and it was really peaceful.
Like, wow.
Then all of a sudden they were back.
And anyhow, there was a whole bunch of other shit
that happened too.
We finally got to see them the last day of the cruise.
Me and Val were sitting right next to them on the deck,
sunning, and we didn't know it.
And one of them come up, one of the females,
and she had this like really raspy voice and she goes,
she goes, you reading that, what was that big,
oh shit, that big sex novel, what was it?
Shit, I forgot.
They did all the movies over.
And anyhow,
Oh, some gray.
Yeah, yeah, Fifty Shades of Grey.
Thank you.
So anyhow, she goes, you what?
You reading that Fifty Shades of Grey again
and we're right next to us and we recognize the voice.
Me and Val look at each other and we're like,
fuck, that's her.
That's one of them.
And she goes, now I'm just reading the sex parts again.
And we're like, oh fuck.
So anyhow, we're about ready to die.
So we got to go somewhere else because we're laughing like,
oh my God, they look just like they sound.
So anyhow, we see them leaving.
They're all wearing fucking tank tops
and scratching their ass and stuff.
It was just funny.
But that goat, that goat noises,
I fucking fucked with them really bad.
And anyhow, I did it a few nights and you could,
they would like shut up and try to catch where this goat noise was coming from.
But they never could figure it out because I was just there
and I could tell what they were doing.
So anyhow, it was cool.
So, anyhow, all right.
I got some, a neat little article
or do you want to go into the hairy asshole Olympics?
I'll leave it up to you.
I have a real quick question for you.
Yes.
Okay.
You know how everybody knows dinosaur sounds?
Yes.
How does everybody know how that sounds?
Well, to me, to me, I know, I know what you're saying.
And I think that everybody as a child comes,
and here's what I'm saying, and I know where you're going with this,
but my rational idea on this is everybody has a sound
that they associate with everything when they're a child, right?
I think the dinosaurs, honestly, I think dinosaur sounds come from that.
So you think a Tyrannosaurus Rex doesn't?
We used to look at the movies like we were talking about Godzilla and all that.
Yes, yes.
But how did people know that a child has sounded?
They didn't.
It's a question.
I hear you, but they didn't.
They didn't know. There's no way they could know.
I mean, wouldn't it be funny if a Tyrannosaurus Rex
that sounds like fluffing sounds like...
Wouldn't it be funny if they were really meek and they spoke English?
Excuse me, guys, you might want to get out of here,
because if you don't I'm going to have to eat every one of you.
You think about going into one of those caves that my little hands can't reach into?
That would be my best suggestion.
Because if not, I'm going to have to naturally, because of my nature,
I'm going to have to eat you guys. I'm going to have to kill you.
I never die, so...
Yeah, they're like, look, I really don't want to do this.
If you force me to eat plants, I will.
But if I see a nice juicy caveman, I'm going to have to eat you first.
But I'm just warning you, you don't want to be eaten.
You might want to get into one of those caves.
I have these little bitty hands.
I can't reach in there with my little bitty arms.
So, you know, you guys might want to think about relocating there
for at least a time being, or at least until I leave.
If you stay there long enough, I'll leave and I'll go look for something else.
That's my suggestion.
Thank you, have a good night.
So, how about...
You knew it would.
You know what?
How about some hairy asshole Olympics?
Okay, I'll be digging my pages up.
Meanwhile, I'm going to work on perfecting my Trianasaurus Rex sound.
Okay, I have three battles.
You have quite a few.
Yes, I do, I have a lot.
So the Trianasaurus Rex goes in for a job interview, right?
Yeah, my name's Rex.
I'm rather, you know, I know we have a bad reputation,
but I mean, I'm really quite docile, and I really love children,
and I like opera.
Hey, I'll go ahead, I'm done.
Sorry.
Go ahead, I can do this all fucking night, trust me.
If not, so this is where you settle your toss-ups, or we settle them.
All right, everybody, the 2023 hairy asshole Olympics.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, you got $15,000.
I have three battles.
Okay, I'll do mine then.
Well, this is perfect.
Oh, we can go ahead and get mine out.
I'll go ahead and start and look for yours, okay?
Oh my God, no, I rather not, we're just going to look at my number one bathtub,
and right now would be a very bad time.
Okay, here's what I got, and I know I didn't get them all.
I went by the list that you sent me, so I think there's more,
but I can't find the pages where I wrote them all down on,
so I'm going by this, so if I miss some, let me know.
But what I did was I pinned them against each other as according to what they did,
their prominence in life, all this stuff, okay?
So the first one I have, Nancy Pelosi versus Liza Minnelli.
Okay, Liza was mine.
You see, it was all mixed up.
Yeah, right.
Do we care?
Actually, no, honestly, let's go with that one,
because Liza was in my first win, and her opponent, no, let's drop, yeah, he's mine.
I have a cancellation on one of my opponents against Liza Minnelli.
Oh, who was it?
Peewee Herman.
Oh, shit.
Well, we did have dead people on here, though.
Yeah, but not so damn soon, man.
Okay, too soon.
Okay, you're right.
So, yeah, okay, so we're going Liza Minnelli versus Pelosi.
Yes, I'm going to go with Pelosi.
Pelosi's got my vote, man.
Me too, all right.
So I'm scratching off Liza, so Pelosi makes it to round three.
Okay, but I may keep Peewee live.
Okay, okay, that's fine.
Next one.
What'd you say?
Dave Mustaine versus Lenny Kravitz.
See, I was thinking that one.
I think I'm going to go with Mustaine.
I think Lenny Kravitz is a little groomed, nice.
Yeah, I think Lenny Kravitz gives a shit if he has asshole hair and he don't like it.
So, Lenny's marked off the list.
Lenny is gone, he did not make it.
Mustaine made it to round three.
Next one, Emeril Lagasse versus Fidel Castro.
I know, I know.
Look at the texts that you sent me, they're all together.
So, anyhow.
Okay, I'll say that.
I had another list.
All right, that's fine.
I had another list somewhere, but I can't find it, so I'm just going with this.
This is good enough for now.
Fidel Castro.
Me too, because here's what we can do.
We will come up, we'll come up with.
We don't care.
No, here's the deal.
We can come up with more people and have a hairy asshole Olympics two and three, however
many we want.
So, if I find my other list, we'll have a hairy asshole Olympics two and then we can
go to three or whatever.
So, I'm just going with it.
Next one is Larry Bird versus Terry Bradshaw.
I'm going with Bradshaw.
He is a football player.
Larry Bird was a basketball player.
Larry Bird is more blonde than Terry Bradshaw.
I think Terry Bradshaw is kind of rough and tumble, a little darker blonde.
I think he would be more susceptible to a hairy asshole.
Okay, we just got Charles Fidel Castro beat out Emeril Lagasse.
Fidel is dead, but who cares?
No, but Fidel beat out Emeril Lagasse.
Yes.
But we agreed on it.
Yes, Emeril is gone.
So, so far the winners are.
I'm not getting marked in my list here.
Here's who is going to round three.
Pelosi, Mustaine, Bradshaw and Castro.
Alright.
Alright, next on the docket for the hairy asshole Olympics round two, Aaron Rodgers versus
Derek Carr.
Oh, see I had another match up for that one.
That's a good one right there.
You're good, you're good, you're good.
I'm going with Derek Carr.
I'm still sticking with Aaron Rodgers.
Okay, do you got a coin around?
No.
Hang on.
I'm staying in the living room with, yeah.
That's fine.
Here, hang on.
I'm going to flip the coin.
Heads or tails?
I was doing it off his hippie shit.
Okay, you know what?
You won, you won.
That's how we agreed on it the first time.
Yeah, you know what?
I didn't think it was bad.
I'd forgotten that.
Okay, A-Rodge wins.
Next one, this one.
The door close up.
Yep, A-Rodge goes to round three.
Next one, Jack Nicholson versus Jason Kelsey.
Damn it, damn it.
Damn you.
Man, this is the biggest toss up we've had.
Damn you, I had them for the final one.
They can be the final ones.
This isn't settled yet.
We're going to round three now.
I had those two to come down to the final.
Because Jason Kelsey was on my list.
Nicholson, I had them in the final battle.
Okay.
Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on.
No, no, no.
Let's keep it.
Because no, no, I got it.
Because I still, as long as you take my top one, we're good.
We're going to have to make tough decisions anyhow.
Okay?
No, no, no.
It's Nicholson versus Kelsey, right?
Yes, and I think, although Jason Kelsey has a lot of thick hair, I'm going with Jack Nicholson.
I'm going with Jack Nicholson because I think he would have...
I dare you to say Nicholson.
Yeah, he would have ass hair everywhere and he would love it and he would have fucking
females braid it for him while he farted in their face.
Damn you.
And he'd go, you know why I did that?
Because I'm Jack fucking Nicholson, bitch, and you're going to smell my fart.
Right?
Okay, okay.
That's what I do.
He'd have some fucking bitch...
Yeah, after he gets grayed out, he'd turn around and go, now he's going to go braid
my ass hair, bitch.
And then when she's doing it, he's going to fucking poo all over her face.
He's going to go snip it up.
Sniff it up.
And she's going to snip it up because he's Jack fucking Nicholson, right?
All right, okay, next.
Marie Osmond versus Kim Kardashian.
I got to go with Kardashian.
Dude, that's a battle I had to take from the dick-go.
It's a great battle.
Think about how good that is.
But I have to disagree.
I got to go with Marie Osmond.
Okay.
All right, instead of a quump flip...
Write it down later.
Both of them will go to round three.
How's that?
Okay, I'm writing it down right now.
Marie...
All right.
And Kim Kardashian, both make it to round three, and then we'll put them up against
other people.
Fair enough?
Fair enough.
Okay.
I think we're good.
Next one, Chad Kroger versus Steven Tyler.
I'm going to give it to Kroger by an ass-hair.
I'm going to give that one to Steven.
Okay.
Look at him, man.
He looks like a lady these days.
I know he does, yeah.
Okay.
Seriously, he looks like an old lady.
You swayed me.
Okay.
Steven Tyler gets it.
This next one, I don't know.
I'm going to go with whatever you say, because I've thought about it, and I don't know.
Marcus Mariota versus George Carlin.
I thought I'm going to go with Mariota, actually, thinking about it.
What do you think?
I'm just saying Carlin being crusty, dude.
Okay.
Yeah, you know, he's been going quite a while.
That's not my thought, and he has the whole time.
Okay.
George Carlin goes forward.
I just say he being crusty.
This next one, I got it.
Mariota might take care of himself.
Okay.
Hugh Jackman versus Pee-wee Herman.
Hugh Jackman wins by default.
Pee-wee checked out yesterday or the day before, so Hugh Jackman goes to win.
Hugh Jackman.
Okay.
I ain't going to say nothing.
Well, I mean, you're right.
To respect Pee-wee, we both loved him growing up.
To respect him, Hugh Jackman just goes through.
Yes.
Pee-wee forfeited it by death, so no hard feelings.
We understand.
Okay.
There are toss-ups I have right here.
Robert De Niro versus Brad Pitt.
Ooh.
I'm going to go with De Niro.
That's what I went with.
Okay.
De Niro goes to round three.
Brad's stinky pit is off the hook.
Next one.
Juliana Margolis versus Carrie Underwear.
Or Wood, some people call her.
I'm going to go with Margolis.
What?
Go ahead.
Yeah, I'd go with Margolis, too.
Okay.
All right.
Next one, and this was the biggest one that I could gather.
Madonna versus Cyndi Lauper.
I say Madonna because Madonna had hairy underarms.
She's Italian.
Yes.
Madonna having hairy underarms did it for me.
Okay.
So Madonna will go to round three.
Yeah, well, that's three.
Here's what we're looking at in round three just to make sure that I'm correct on this.
Nancy Pelosi, Dave Mustaine, Fidel Castro, Terry Bradshaw, Aaron Rodgers, Jack Nicholson,
Marie Osmond and Kim Kardashian, Stephen Tyler, George Carlin, Hugh Jackman by default,
Robert De Niro and Madonna.
All right.
Okay.
Those will be on round three of our Asshole, can't ever say it right, our Hairy Asshole
Olympics.
So.
Then the next time we'll do the wrestle with.
Yep.
And weigh them down.
A little suspense there.
I know people all over the world are really dying to know who's going to take home the
gold.
Who is going to win this?
Will it be Madonna or will it be Jack Nicholson?
Could it be Kim K?
Or could it be Nancy Pelosi?
I guess Taylor Swift.
I should have put Taylor.
I don't know why.
She's on our list.
She's on our list as a winner.
She's still in the running.
Okay.
The list you have, can you read them off so we can go ahead and get them all into round
three?
Oh, you want to do the other list?
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay, well I've got to pair them up for the report.
Okay.
I just have the winners.
Meanwhile.
Well, while I was pairing them up, I will entertain you by singing to you.
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
I smell.
Asshole.
I smell.
Shrimp.
I smell.
Okay, here's a good one.
Here's a good one.
You like my song?
No, go ahead.
Yes.
What?
Matt Damon or Clint Eastwood.
Ooh.
I'm leaning towards Clint Eastwood because he's old and crusty.
Me too.
All right, so Clint Eastwood goes on to round three.
The Clintster.
Oh, hey.
Oh, here we go.
Okay.
Here we go.
Okay.
Let's get this one out of the way.
Okay.
Jennifer Lopez or Taylor Swift.
J-Lo.
I say Taylor.
I changed to Taylor because I hate her.
All right.
Taylor Swift.
Well, no, no.
J-Lo because she got to stay clean for her man.
Taylor hates men.
You're right.
She listened to her mom.
Yes.
Yeah.
Well, she turned down Travis Kelcey, so obviously she is a fan of Taylor Swift.
Okay.
Taylor Swift, it is.
Sorry, J-Lo.
We know you love your asshole, Air Olympics, and you're one of our biggest fans and you
write us every week, but you're out of this.
We're sorry.
All right.
I'm going to try a good one for this one.
Okay.
Oh, man.
All right.
Johnny Depp or Nicholas Cage.
Oh, I'm going to go with Nick Cage.
Actually, I'm going to have to go that one too.
All right.
Nicholas, you are on to round three.
I know he listens too.
He's got to be just a static.
A static.
You know, he listens and as soon as we get more phone capabilities, he wants to call
in acting like other people.
So when we get Stan from fucking Board Bond, it's him.
Yeah.
Oh, I said, so if we get Stan calling in from Oregon, it's him.
It's really Nicholas Cage.
So, anyhow, go ahead.
Oh, I'd love to hear from him.
Oh, yeah, he's going to call in acting like other people.
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
So when someone calls in, when we get more phone capabilities, when someone calls in
and they say they're filled from Philly, then, you know, then it's probably really Nicholas
Cage.
Okay.
This is the only way I can match these two up with anybody.
Okay.
George Santos or maybe not.
Excuse me.
Ron Santos.
The Santas?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Ron DeSantos versus George Stephanopoulos.
Oh, got Italian against the Greek there.
I don't know.
Both of them have crazy ass hairs.
We know this.
I'm going to go with Stephanopoulos.
Actually, I got to go with him too just by the looks.
Yeah, he's got those fucking eyebrows that look like, look like bully worms.
Yeah.
Oh, dude, don't remind me.
I got to go back to our notes to see if somebody got entered into this.
Oh, okay.
Anyway, go ahead.
All right, Stephanopoulopoulos, it goes on to round three.
All right, go ahead.
Next.
Oh, shit.
Who am I going to pair them up with?
Just say who they are and let's try to figure it out.
Oh, here we go.
I don't know.
It's a group versus a single.
Go ahead.
Who cares?
GNR versus somebody, right?
No, GNR has already been wiped out.
Who wiped them out?
I forgot.
Motherhead.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Yep, yep.
We had GNR versus Def Weapon.
And then I came back with Motherhead versus Judas Priest.
Okay.
And now we have GNR versus...
Oh, yeah, GNR versus Motherhead.
Awesome.
I'm going to go with Motherhead.
Got mine.
All right, Motherhead goes on to round three.
Lemmy was a big fan, too, even though the podcast wasn't around.
But if he was around, he would have been a huge fan.
He loved it.
So we're going to go ahead and say that Lemmy, not Lenny, Lemmy, wherever he is, is a static.
So I'm going to go ahead and speak for him, if I may.
So go ahead.
Next.
Let me try.
Do what?
Here we go.
I like the sounds of this already.
Go ahead.
Bill Clinton.
Or Michelle Obama.
I'm working it off now.
I think I'm going to have to go with Michelle.
Yeah, it feels off.
Bye, Bill.
Oh, boy.
We've got to pit her against Pelosi.
Push.
OK.
Next.
This is so wrong.
I love it.
Love it.
This is horrible.
I love it.
I am anxiously awaiting the next two contenders.
Here we go.
OK.
Simon Cowell.
Yes?
Simon Cowell.
John Gurdon.
Oh.
I'm going to go with Chuckie.
I think Chuckie has red ass hairs all over and zips, too.
He has a pimply ass with a bunch of red hairs coming out of it.
I go with that one.
OK.
Chuckie Gruden goes on to round three.
I'm trying to get all the rest of me down.
There's some good ones on here.
Oh, shit.
We've only got hang on.
I'm hanging.
I'm hanging like a fucking plum, dancing in the wind.
No way.
That's our only battle left?
What is it?
Oh, my God.
It's only battle left.
Yes?
OK.
All right.
We have.
OK.
All right.
Yes.
Da da da da.
Wait a second.
Yes.
OK.
Waiting.
All right.
Meanwhile, I'm going to say my ABCs.
That one's a good one.
Hey, yeah.
ABC.
Easy as one, two, three.
Hey.
Give me, give me, give me.
Oh, no.
We have an extra one.
OK.
We have an extra one.
OK.
You know what?
We can figure it out.
I'll pick a couple of it.
Just go ahead and go with this one.
And then when we have the extra one, I will figure out what to do with the extra one.
Actually, I think that one would be out by pretty much anybody.
OK.
So go ahead with the last matchup and then tell me the extra one and we can figure out
what to do with the extra one.
Oh, no, no.
That was, yeah, that was the last matchup.
I didn't have, I thought I did, but I'm more, no, that one's done.
OK.
Is there one last person left then?
Is that what I'm understanding?
Yeah, one last person.
OK.
Who is it?
Rayana.
OK.
Let's, let's pick Rayana.
Against Madonna really quick and then the winner of that will go to the third round.
OK.
All right.
I'm going to go, I'm going to go with Madonna too.
So, OK.
All right.
There we go.
All right.
The A**hole Olympics, the A**hole, the hairy A**hole Olympics round three will be coming
to this podcast soon.
And I will get a date list to you.
Sounds great.
All right.
OK.
Let's take a break here real quick and we'll be right back.
Sounds good.
In that future, strange insects will be.
May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
When taking a shower remember to scrub your A**hole with soapy water, because nobody likes
stinky asshole. Two Shirley temples and a bottle of scotch will be right back.
Two douchebags and a microphone I am Mark. And I am Rob. Alright, I've got a
list of new crazy fried foods at different state fairs that I got off the
internet. That sounds good. Some of them sound good except for a couple of them. Actually I haven't even had dinner yet.
Sorry, you're making me hungry. Oh shit, I'm sorry. No, you're alright. I wonder what the Missouri State Fair was not
mentioned in this article. I wonder what they're gonna have this year because
every state fair tries to come out with their signature fried something, deep
fried something every year. Did you know that? It's kind of like a thing now. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Alright. Well, here's a state to state state fairs, not all of
them, but a portion of them with what they consider this article. It was in, I
don't know, I think it might have been Time. I'm not for sure what magazine it
was. But anyhow, it has a list of some of their favorite crazy fried, deep
fried foods offered at different state fairs as of 2023. So the number one,
Arizona offers deep-fried scorpions. No. No, that's what I'm saying too. That's why
I said not all of them sound great. Some of them sound superb. I think it'd be a little bit of crunch and nothing else.
Ugh. To me that sounds no different than a deep-fried spider or something like
that. No. No thank you. If you want to deep-fry something, pick something that's
good. So Massachusetts, and I don't like this one either, offers fried jelly beans.
Hell no. That's what I say too. Jelly beans are nasty alone. Then you take something like
deep-frying them. No way. I don't care what you do. You could fucking put them
in flour and pepper or cinnamon or whatever. There's no way those fuckers
are gonna be good fried or not fried. Dude, you just ruined Halloween for me. Sorry.
It was in this article. I don't write them. I just report them. I know. I know.
Okay next one. Minnesota offers fried meatballs on a stick. That sounds great.
Oh yeah. Now we're talking. Minnesota's got it dialed in with that. I tell you that.
Now we're talking. Oh yeah. I might just fucking drive up there and just get some fried
meatballs on a stick. Why not? Actually, I think you just gave me an idea for dinner.
Next one. Wisconsin. They offer you a deep-fried butter. Now I will give it. Okay.
I'll give you this Rob. I know it sounds disgusting right, but have you ever had
butter pie? No. It is delicious and all it is is sweetener with butter and a
couple other ingredients in a pie shell and it's really fucking good. Yeah it's
an old recipe. It's an old recipe and it's been around a long time but butter
pie is delicious so I can't honestly say. At least I don't remember I don't
think my grandma put that on me. I can't write this off because of how good a
butter pie is so I can't write off deep-fried butter. It might very well be
very good. Florida offers deep-fried snickers, but I've already had them.
I've had them up in Canada and I had them in the States and they're very good.
I love them. They're real good. They just put them in batter and what it is is
it is a a funnel cake batter and then they deep-fried the snickers and the
snickers is gooey inside the funnel cake batter. Oh it's so good. It's delicious.
Oh it's very good. California, I love this one. Listen to this one Rob.
California offers deep-fried White Castle burgers, bun in all.
So you take the bun and everything and you probably roll it in some sort of
batter whether it's like I don't know if it's for I don't know if it's like for
some sort of a funnel cake batter or if it's just regular flour or something
else but it sounds good to me. Whatever it is. I don't care if it's funnel cake or just a
flour batter. All of it sounds good. A deep-fried White Castle to me does. What
do you think? Okay, you know that's why I got real quiet. Yes that's why I asked you. That's because you mentioned California. Yeah.
Before you said what they deep-fried. Yeah. I thought you were going to say deep-fried camp.
Oh I think even California would know better than to do that. I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. You know what you never know like like Seattle or somebody
Washington might take it you know they're they're pretty big kaleaters
there too. Well I mean look it's not right and we know this but there's some
people that still think it's good and they think it's cool even though it was a
joke that some guy played on on America and he got everyone to believe it and he
couldn't believe it so he's like you know what these rooms are buying this
garbage so let's just keep it going. Yes if you eat kale it was based on a joke.
The guy was playing a joke. He was like laughing and going man no one's gonna
eat this garbage and someone goes you watch they'll fucking believe it if you
present it right they'll believe it and they'll love it and you know and it was
like no no way and fuck it became the big hit and people buying it up left and
right. What rooms? It's a joke. It's garbage.
Garbage on a plate they're selling you so anyhow. Okay you're right. Okay the
next one is Texas offers deep-fried beer. It explains it. The beer is poured into a
halibut pretzel then deep-fried. So they whittle out a pretzel put beer in it and deep fry it.
I got it made for Josh. It's not that far from you. George offers fried Coca-Cola. It's put in the middle of dough and then
fried. Yeah that's what I thought too who cares. It's not that good to me. So then Texas has another one deep-fried
lattes. Again it's put in the middle of dough and then fried. What kind of latte?
I don't know like maybe vanilla or I don't know maybe a mocha or maybe a corn wall. I think they have different flavors.
Yes okay I could do a mocha or a vanilla either one. I'd do even a hazelnut.
Okay okay so San Diego State Fair offers deep-fried Kool-Aid balls.
No I'm saying no just me. No. It doesn't sound good to me at all. No. This next one I like and it's from North Carolina.
They may not know barbecue but they hit a they hit the jackpot on this one.
North Carolina offers deep-fried pumpkin pie. Oh oh yeah. Yeah that's a home run on a stick dude.
Yeah yeah that sounds fucking phenomenal. Indiana offers deep-fried Twinkies. I've already had deep-fried Twinkies too.
They're in funnel cake batter. They did them at the Missouri State Fair five years ago I think.
They're really good though. I do like them. I have mine somewhere down here. I don't doubt that you know there's so
much tourism there. Why wouldn't someone do that? It may have been at the Dogwood Festival which is the
town festival every year. I wonder if I wonder if testicle festival. I remember I had one and it was good.
I loved it. I wonder if testicle festival in Bentonville will offer deep-fried
testicles you think?
That's the only way to cook them. I'm going to send it. I'm going to uh. That's the only way to cook them.
No that's the only testicles you're going to eat is deep-fried. Oh really? I guarantee it. Okay well I think one of these.
Okay these fairs have to I think a lot of these fairs need to offer deep-fried testicles too.
Well yeah they kind of got to watch it on that. Oh for the kids? Yeah that's true.
All right Kansas State Fair offers up. It's about 20 years and stuff. Okay
yeah okay Kansas State Fair offers up deep-fried jello or Nutella. Nutella sounds great.
Yeah? Jello deep-fried jello does not sound great. Kansas State Fair offers both of them.
I'd go with the Nutella but that's all right. Yeah I would not go with jello. That sounds horrible actually jello does.
Think about what happens jello when you get it hot but it's deep-fried. No I know it sounds it sounds horrible to me.
And finally Texas comes back with a healthy deep-fried salad. That's right kind of like a salad pot pie.
Right in the world would you interrupt your horrible food for good food?
Great I'm liking salads these days on my meals. Salads are awesome. Deep-fried but not deep-fried.
Salads are fantastic but not deep-fried. Sorry but. That'd be like
Leavng your salad out on the counter for like two days and then go and make another one.
No? Yeah I agree a hundred percent on that.
Yep yeah so anyhow so love do you have anything going on down there or anything of note you
want to bring to the attention of the public? No I did have a little bit I had to scratch it.
What was it? I had to scratch it. Okay all right that's cool.
Yeah I learned a lot. Okay all right. Although I did go out to dinner with kids a little bit.
Oh good good good good. What'd you have? Kids we went Chinese.
And there's only one Chinese restaurant here in town. Really just one? Camping is pretty good size.
No there's only one Chinese restaurant. Was it good?
No there's none in Oak Ridge Beach. There's honestly anywhere the damn but we can anyway.
They don't even have a buffet. Oh okay. And to tell you how bad it is
I broke into my fortune cookie.
And my fortune said the fortune you seek is in another cookie.
That's how bad it is Chinese restaurant.
I wouldn't wait for a time. Candace Morton over is Mexican.
Okay well I know they have one there that I used to go to so okay that's cool.
Oh yeah I know there I think that one's still open. We talked about where it has the patio
that's kind of on the slide hill. Yeah I know exactly where you're talking about. I'm gonna have to
I don't drive by that way all the time. Well this is quite a while ago. I mean
this is when I was single and yeah. Something like that yeah it was pretty good.
And because I mean when she suggested that we go there I'm like thinking oh great how good
can Mexicans be in this town. So you know I'm kind of like okay but nah it wasn't that good.
So Rob just dropped off here and I don't know why. I don't know I think it had to
been him because my phone is stationary. So I guess we're going to go ahead and take this
opportunity to wrap up the podcast and thank you all for listening and I'm going to go ahead
and say bye for Bob. So oh hey hang on he's calling. Hey you there. Yeah I don't know what
happened it just went blank. I was just going to say goodbye for you to the podcast but you can do
it yourself. We're getting ready to wrap this bitch up and put a bow on it. So Rob do you want
to say bye bye? Yes good night everybody. Good night. See you later. Thanks for listening.
We'll talk to you guys soon. I'm sure I'm going to have a lot of interesting stories from my vacay.
So alright fuckers thanks for listening. Bye.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors, and horrible pranks.
What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
Hey where did they go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my god someone took a dump in the corner. Oh geez.
Ugh I'm glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man that smells.