Live from the city market, it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct wash rags.
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Now we go to the amazing Mark the Palm Raider.
Hello everybody and welcome to Mark the Amazing Palm Raider.
First in line, please step up.
Let's see young lady, I see a long lifeline.
I see success, happiness, love, fortune.
I also see a bit index finger.
$20 please.
Hello everybody, this is Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
Welcome, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, we've got a whole bunch of cool shit coming your way.
We have a Dear Douchebags letter, Rob.
Oh awesome.
Yeah, yeah, someone bothered to write in again.
I got my heaviest songs list.
Got some alternative insults, which is always cool.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love those.
Let's see, I got a whole crop of other shit too.
Those give me good ideas.
You need to come up with your own list of alternative insults because I know that...
I am too busy learning from you.
Okay, that's cool.
Let's see.
Now I'm interested to see where you take it.
I really am.
That's something to work on in the future.
We'll put it that way.
Yeah, whenever you're comfortable with it.
But I mean, it could be anything from Plumber's Putty to a shoot metal hammer.
I don't know.
Because over the years I've come up with some good ones.
That's what I'm saying and that's what I want to hear.
Go back and remember them.
Yeah, that's cool.
Just jot them down whenever you can and that sounds good.
I did have some new dish flavors that I was working on, but I think I'm going to save
that for the next podcast because I think I can do a little bit better with some of
them.
All right, all right, all right.
Yeah, I don't want to mail it in just because I'm in a hurry.
So we'll have some more.
You know what I mean?
Let's go like, oh, we're podcasting tonight.
Trust me, I know about being in a hurry.
Yeah, I know you do because you work all day and then you get home and you're like, oh,
shit.
Let me come up with some ideas.
You know, so yeah.
And you got to fit dinner in there somewhere.
Yeah, I know about it.
I love it though.
I know.
It's such a great release.
I even just fit in a phone call to my mom.
Oh, good for you.
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Yeah.
I even just fit in a phone call to my mom.
Oh, good for you.
I have a special announcement, Rob.
Let's hear it.
You know how we're in every continent except South America, right?
Yes.
Well, some darling in Lima, Peru, downloaded our show.
Thank you!
Awesome.
Yay! Let's give them a...
Yay!
So that now makes us
Worldwide
I hope they're English speakers
Cause if not the show's gonna sound
They're not gonna know how good the show is
At this point it doesn't matter
You know what
We got the download
You're right I shouldn't nitpick here
I don't care if they understand it or not they fucking download it
It's nowhere in every content
Yeah!
We need more followers down there
We do I hope they love it
Yes
So I hope so
So if you're a
Mr. or Ms. Pru
If you bother to listen to any more shows
And you're not like
Detoxifying your ears and still
Puking
I'd love to hear from you
So I'm gonna come up with a different email
Cause that email on the
NoDaddy site
It's simply not fucking working
So anybody that's trying to email me on there
I apologize
I'm gonna come up with a hotmail or an outlook
Or something like that
And then I'll just
Find a way to switch it over
Through my
So I don't entangle work
And I consider this play
I don't entangle everything together
So
Anyhow that's coming up as a actual
Different
Email address
And not the ones that me and Topher used to tease about
Like at Excite.com
And Yahoo.com
I guess they're still Yahoo.com
But anyhow we used to come up with all these others
Mindspring.com
And they're just bullshit emails
We didn't have any
So anyhow
We need a ruling
I got people that want to get in touch with us
Okay
Give me about
I'm getting ready to go on vacation again
Tomorrow
And it's simply to replace the vacation
That we couldn't go on
We're supposed to be headed
To Cancun tomorrow
But Val had a series of surgeries
And can't risk infection
So we can't be stuck
In Mexico if something goes wrong
So and then we're gonna go to
Colorado but then my mom had
A heart problem so we're going back to
Right there because I don't want to
Talk about vacations
Because last week I
Could have had a vacation but I worked
Four out of five days
Really?
Yes
Oh for extra money?
Well I'd like to
Okay well
I get it
I hope you guys have a great time
I honestly do
I just gave you a hard time
You know how many birthdays
I missed and how many anniversaries
Not me and Val's anniversary
Other ones that I missed
And friends stuff and all this stuff
And being out of town
All the time
And working 14-15 hours a day
I've had my share of it
And you're just
Not quite there yet
So when you get there you'll know
I'm getting there
Hard work is a good thing
And I appreciate you Rob
You're a good hard worker and a good person
And I really appreciate you on this
Podcast because if it
Wasn't for you I would be
Doing a solo cast and that's not
It's fun but it's not as fun
You need someone there to bounce stuff
Off of and talk to and
You know basically
It's like an opinion post
And those only go so far
So anyhow
Rob you're very much appreciated
And I thank you for hanging in there
And learning this and getting better at it
And taking it serious
It's much appreciated
Okay
Well let's get on with the show
Alrighty okay
So now that we just got done hugging
Um
I've got
Let's see
I've got my heavy 13
You want to go for that one right off the bat
Whatever you want to do
I'll make it for my heavy 13
Because I'm pretty fucking proud of him Rob
I'm ready to hear it honestly
Checking in at number 13
You went 13
I went 13 how many did you have
We max
Okay first question though
Is something I've got to ask you
Yes
Shit
What did you think
The guy's very talented
Very talented
Yeah he's a kid
Oh yeah
I love him
I knew he would be
Because you know music and
We have similar tastes
I knew I would like him
I knew he would be phenomenal by the way you talked
But then when I listened to him I was like
What is age
Give him some time
Oh my god
Yeah he's really good
So checking
Okay checking in at number 13
Perfect Strangers
By Deep Purple
Good one
It's a very good song it's heavy
It's what I consider heavy
By the way the melody and how it's written
It's kind of written in
What would you call it
Um
Um orchestrated
It's orchestrated very well
To where the heavy is the heavy
And it leads to it the build up
It's fantastic
So
Um my number 12
Is Humings Bean
By Van Halen
That is a Sammy Hagar song
But it will fucking melt your face
Off
It's really good you've heard it before
You probably just don't remember it
Like a lot of people
It is heavy heavy heavy
Uh Eddie Van Halen's guitar
In it is just blistering
And um
Very good
Very very good
Now number 11
I coincided with you
About the band
But not the song and actually even
The album but not the song
You went for Quiet Riot
Slick Black Cadillac
Right correct
Yes yes
I went with
If I remember correctly
The first song
On Side B
That is correct
If I remember right
That is correct I know that because I played that fucking album
Probably 300,000 times
In a year
Oh god
I went to my 9th grade
That day with my
10th Ghetto Blaster
That I heisted off of
That day
With Metal Hell
And I walked around
Yokem Jr. High and felt all fucking
I was about to go over town
Oh good ol' Yokem
Dreamin' of Metal Hell
It's like if you ever wanted to go get some stink finger
You go to Yokem
Yeah
Yes
It was a prison dude
It was built like a prison
We're the sluttiest chicks ever
We love that place
Metal Health is the song I went for
Oh
Yes yes
I mean
Both songs I went for
No I just like
Slick Black Cadillac
It really cuts in
It's great it's a great song
He can't go wrong picking it
I agree with it too
I just like Metal Health a little bit better
I thought it was a little bit heavier to me
But I can definitely see how you feel
Slick Black Cadillac
Is heavy or heavier than that
I mean it's really a toss up
Both songs are great
That whole album is fantastic
So
Number 10
You're gonna go oh shit
Oh dude
This one here
I'm very proud of this one here
Godzilla
Blue Oyster Cult
Oh my god dude
Ding ding ding ding ding
I had a good one on that one
The last
Couple days
Or last couple of nights
I'd come home close and I'd put the music
Down
I listened to music all day at work
And I've been doing music
For the broadcast
I've had to have
A little bit of break
I've been listening to music lately too
We've been talking about music so much
And I
Watch TV
And Pluto
TV
Now has a Godzilla
Movie channel
Pluto does?
Yeah
I
I'm like how about
Eddie you say this
Oh my god
Godzilla is the perfect movies
Wasn't it
I love those things
Oh these are the original
The ones we grew up watching
Yeah
Yes yes yes
Those are my favorite the ones we grew up watching
It's just like
I saw it in the Tuesdays
It's just like you got all your new Batmans and Supermans
But man to me
Adam West
Burt Ward
And then the other one was
George Reeve
Not Christopher Reeves
But I think his name was
George Reeve
He
He committed suicide
Or they thank her
I think you're correct
I think you're right
That's the stuff I grew up on
We're watching Channel 41 here out of Kansas City
Yeah
And they used to play those after school
Because you know Gorgons Island
I Dream of Genie, Brady Bunch
Superman, Batman
Yeah I think the weekends were more
Superman and Batman for little fucks like us
Because you know no school
And we'd be like hugging our pillow
Watching this shit in bed
Waiting to go get our box of tricks
Or whatever and fucking
Need it
So yeah
To me those are the ones that are always
I'm always going to hold dear
It's not the most fancy
The most elaborate, the most well written
It's just the stuff that stuck to our soul
Right?
Yeah so
Anyhow without getting any further
Off track
But Godzilla by Blue Isher Cult
This song is a fucking
That thing is a fucking
Nut burner, it is awesome
Always been one of my favorites
Me too, me too
Whenever I hear it I get in a good mood
I can be in the worst mood
Ever, if I hear Godzilla I'm like
Yeah that riff
And then the
The whole song is just lead
Guitar
I mean he's just like
With the rhythm
But it's just
It's cool, it's very good
So my number 9
Rock and Roll Rebel
By Ozzy Osbourne and the
Great Jakey Lee
Do you remember that one?
Yes
That thing
Will burn your fucking face off
It's great
Okay, gotcha
Too many years man
How many years of all shit?
I had to sit back
And remember all of them
Here's the deal, I'm still reading
The Gieser Butler book because I can't
Find time, but something I noticed
About it, if I read it
Incrementally and slow
It brings back a lot of
Memories
And then I started thinking of old rock albums
Reading this, reminiscing
And then that's how I came up with some of these
It just worked out perfectly
Number 8
You probably know this
But maybe not
It is a louder Black Sabbath
Tune with Tony Martin
Who is a fantastic lead singer
Although he never got credit really
Headless Cross
I do not know that
Listen to it when you get a chance
That thing will rip your fucking head off
It is
The riff is equivalent to Heaven and Hell
Heaven and Hell
Yeah
It's a lot like Heaven and Hell
Reminiscent with the breaks and everything
But it's a completely different riff
And it is just fantastic dude
Headless Cross
It's really good
Number 7
Stillborn
By Black Label Society
Have you ever heard that?
Hey
Like I said I've been
Stulling on this place
Stillborn is insane
I mean
That shit that he comes up with
I mean not only
Not only the rhythm lead
Stuff that he does
But also the solo
Is just
Mind boggling
Yeah see I told her what
Mind went off of was
The solo
Yeah I mean you can handle it however you want
I mean
Some of these I went for purely riff
Like Godzilla
Because it's just such a heavy song
Right
It's what I call a Black Eye song
Like
You feel like you got punched in the face
And you love it
Yeah
Great man hit me in the mouth again
Oh yeah
I gotta hit rewind
I gotta get it right
Rewind
You know at work
I'd piss some of the
Younger guys off
Younger I'd say like 30 something
By calling everything a CD-ROM
It's not a CD-ROM
It's a disc
Nope nope nope and then every chance I get to say CD-ROM
I drive them nuts with
And I make sure I say it really slow
A CD-ROM
So anyhow
This next one DOA
Dead or Alive by Van Halen
That thing is a face melter
Yeah it is
Next one
Oh um okay this would be number 5
I think I quit telling the
Order there was a
Number 7 DOA was 6
Number 5 is Angry Chair
By Alice in Chains
Those are good ones
Very good ones
Yeah
And this one this next one I come off of
Is a rhythm riff
That's just insane by the
Late great Dimebag Darrell
And that's Cowboys from Hell
Pantera
Da da da da da da da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da
Man that thing is just
It's off the hook
It is off the hook
Number 3 is not only such a heavy
Song but one of my favorite songs
By this artist and one of my favorite songs in general
Holy Diver
By the late great
Ronnie James Dio
John O'Roughlin
John O'Roughlin here we go
This is a laughing duck
Yes
Only Diver is
Fantastic
Always been one of my favorites
Number 2 and this is solo based
The solo is just
Mind boggling
Number 2
And it was very close to be a
Number 1
Very close it's almost a tossup
Over the Mountain by Ozzy
Osbourne
Randy Rhodes just goes
Fucking ballistic on that solo
It sounds like he
Goes out of tune goes back in tune
Turns the guitar upside down steps on it
Fucking screams
Hits people in the balls with it
And then comes back into tune and finishes it
Perfect
He just goes nuts on it
Yeah
When he
To me whenever you think metal
You hear that and you go
Shit that's so metal they should
Come up with a whole new category for it
And then my
Number 1
And this was by close margin because
Black Sabbath has many songs
That I consider really
Really heavy and dark
And
Methodical
And grimacing
Sign of the
Southern Cross
And that's because
It starts off
Yeah it starts off
Acoustic but Ronnie singing
In melody
You know fade away
Fade away
Vanish into smoke
And then he does it again fade away
And then you hear the acoustic
And then it just stops for a minute
And then when I only comes in with
Those angry chords
It is a fucking face burner
It's like what the hell just happened
This thing just turned into
It's a masterpiece
It might be the best song they've ever recorded
Altogether
With all of them that could be the best song
They've ever recorded
That thing is insane
So
Wait a minute
Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute
Okay
Yeah I did say sign of the southern cross
Almost thought I said
Mob rules it was off mob rules
I was like oh shit did I say it wrong
But nope I didn't okay
Alright good yes
Sign of the southern cross
That thing is a fan
Frickin' fantastic
So
I've got a little story
That a friend of mine pointed out to me
And I started noticing there might be
Some truth to it
Okay
Well have you ever noticed like you go to the store
Right
You know the new QR
Codes right
You go over there with your scanner on your phone
You hit them and it takes you to a website
Did you ever realize
That all of those
Like 99% of products are packaged
With that right next to the bar scan
That they need to hit to
Give you the price and what it is
Of the product that you have in your cart
Right
Well half the time they hit that QR
QR code right
And it makes it goes meh
And then they hit the real you know they like put their hand
Over something and it goes beep
Okay there okay that's 742
Okay alright
Well this article I read and I wouldn't
Doubt it is it makes sense of why
They would put it right there and how can
People always accidentally hit it
QR codes
Next to bar codes
Read an article yesterday that suggested that the reason
QR codes are usually right next
To bar codes and this article
Suggested it and it didn't prove it in any way
So I don't know this for sure but
I could believe it
Is right next to bar codes is because every
Accidental hit from a scanner
Actually counts as a website hit
The fact that they are next to the bar code
90% of the time is
Is in fact no accident
But the beef up the products on internet hits
Wow I didn't know that
Yeah it happens all the damn time
I don't care where you're at
You know you like you know beep beep
Oh shit I hit the QR code
Hang on let me cover it up and then I got
To notice it on most products the
QR code is right next to the bar
Code the scanning code
The code they scan to give you the price
So
I could believe that
And then speaking of that today
I was at a Walmart store
And I was in there
Getting my moms prescriptions
And obviously worse
Oh okay
Sorry I bet it was hotter than fuck
No no I was just doing shit man
Okay
Well I'm on a seven day
Vacation right now
Well earned I might add
Like I said I could have done that
Last week but my dumb ass did not
You know what you gotta
Allow yourself you'll get there bro
But I did take a three day weekend
You know what good for you you need to do
That and I saw where some asshole
I didn't get a chance to jot down
The story but some asshole at lake
Of the Ozarks last week or the week before
Ran into a house
On his boat
Oh oh
I
Okay let me go back
He didn't just run into the house
He ran through the house
I read it I almost did it
I go back to that
Okay well he got charged
He got charged he had to come back from Kansas City
And he was charged with DUI
And a plethora of other stupid shit
But he ran
He ran through the house completely through
Oh yeah there was like
Eight people injured
Yes yeah
He's on charges
Down here
He answered charges
Last weekend
Last weekend I think last Friday he went
Back to
What county is that
Camden County
Yeah he went to Camden County
Courthouse
And I'm not sure
What he pled he didn't say what he pled
So I guess he's being arraigned
So whatever
From what I read today he's still sick
Oh he didn't get out okay
The article didn't specify that
From what I read I go back
Where he read it
I'll tell you what before the end of this
I'll have an answer
Okay that'll work that's cool
So I thought that was pretty cool
But okay I said well am I right
And all of a sudden I was going through
Self checkout and I noticed
There were no of those little scanners
And I go where are the scanners at
And one lady
Had a scanner and that was it
And I go where's all the scanners
Here's all the hooks to them
A pack of kids went in there and stole every one of their scanners
All 16 of them
Aided each side
Of the Walmart
There's a self checkout
On each side of this Walmart
And they stole every one of those fucking scanners
And left
Isn't that fucked up
Yeah
I'm gonna go son of a bitch man
So like I gotta pick up this big thing
Of water now and scan it like she goes no
I can do it with this one
I'm like oh okay
What the fuck
You know we had fun
That's like something we do but we give it back
You know
Or hide it somewhere in there and call them up with clues
Go yeah
Underneath the light but above the fan
Is where the scanner might be gone
What
So anyhow
Strange days indeed
So anyhow
I guess a bunch of kids had a little bit of fun with that
So
We will be right back
And I have some alternative insults
If that's okay with you Rob
That's awesome
Alright can I get a fuck yeah real quick before we go blank here
Fuck yeah
Okay there it is from Rob
Rad's mouth
Our constant
Pursuit for a real knee slapper
It's strange insults from
An alien
Real hilarity
Hey your chair produces sound similar to a fart
But only once such that it cannot be
Produced and proved that it was just the chair
If you love vomit we have the podcast
For you
Hey look I think we found land
Oh my god I think we're safe
Oh no
It's the island of horrible jokes
Oh my god
What
What did the janitor say
When he jumped out of the closet
Supplies
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast
Two douche bags and a microphone
People often ask us how they can
Find us when doing a remote
Broadcast
One smell
We go to the city market and start sniffing
Our aroma has been described as a mixture
Of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce
And old sock with dark fuzzy
Urine
Two look for the spot absent
Of patrons
Three the most telling sign is a crowd
Of patrons vomiting uncontrollably
Four just call us
At 816-512-7717
Alright and we are back with two douche bags
And a microphone on Mark
And I'm up
Alright well first off did you notice
The last podcast I put
Put in the promo for male body parts
For you again
Yes
And there's been no answers
This week I'm sorry
Maybe I can come up with a new promo
But hey
I'm still talking to Eric
The three
We got three in a row which just kind of excited me
I'm like man I wonder how many
I could get in your inbox
So no well you know what
Alright hey
It's only been a week
I'll give it time to work
But if it doesn't I'll have to come up
With another promo
I'll have to get hold of Chad
The voice guy and have him do another one
Maybe a little bit more specific
Since I found out over the last
Bits that I had him do he does not mind
Cussing
I was kind of afraid to
At first yeah I got him
Cussing
He used to kind of say some stuff like
Darn and these guys are insane
And ha ha and I'm like man
I don't know so I ran the last one
I ran the last one by him
He's like oh yeah yeah
He shook his head
He's like yeah yeah yeah this is okay
This is alright
So anyhow
As Four promised
Alternative insults
So we love this one don't we
Yes we do
I learned so much from this
Yes, alternative insults
Was invented out of necessity
When you really wanted to call someone a stupid
F**ker but you couldn't because of where you were at
Like maybe you're in
Church
Maybe you're at work and you couldn't cuss
Because there are customers around
Or wherever you know someone's
Mom was there but you really wanted to get
The point across this guy was a stupid
F**king idiot but you couldn't
Actually say that
So we came up with alternative insults you know
Like I used to call one guy
A wooden banister and I used to piss him off
To know him and he'd get red faced
I'm not a banister
Yeah you are
You're a wooden banister
And it's like gosh
Well if I get that reaction from him
Maybe I can get this reaction from
Everybody by how you say it
And most people does work
But people like me are like oh that's a good one
You know you'd be like oh yeah yeah yeah
That's good hey bravo
Bravo for originality
And then you move on and you don't really give a s**t
So anyhow the first one here
Is
Root cellar
Yeah but I got the thing about it
Root canal would probably be better
So
Yeah that's what I could understand
Well a root cellar is like
Cold and damp and in the ground
And dark
Underground
Yeah
So a root cellar
Or a root canal depending on how big
Of a pain they are
If they're like a really big pain you could call them a root canal
Because that hurts like f**k
So it just depends
On how bad the guy's been
And how much you want to really douche him up
So if you want to douche him up really
Bad you just call him a
Root canal and you want to kind of douche him
Go you root cellar
And also root cellar just sounds like stupid doesn't it
Tell someone to root cellar
It sounds like they just like don't have a brain
It's like hey you root cellar
We just shove you under the roof
Shove you down there
And you just stay down there
Yeah we put up preserves down there and that's about it
Run to it
If there's like a tornado f**king lurking we might run down there
If it's like really really lurking
But if it's kind of lurking
We just keep you on standby looking there
I'm not going in there yet
No
I'm going to wait for that b**ch to get a little bit closer
Before I go in that thing
And you're like sitting there watching
Going boy it's getting dark and there's baseball size hail
But still
It's still two miles away I'm not getting in there
And you're hoping
That tornado takes a short left
Just so you don't have to go in that root cellar
Right
My grandmas
Are awful
Oh they're horrible
They really are
So anyhow
The next one
Baking soda
And that's just I don't know
Just
I don't know
It sounds dumb
Or you call someone a box of baking soda
To me?
Baking soda would be a good thing
Okay
Baking soda is great for swimming pools
I know that
Well no
Baking soda you cover up the nasty smell
And everything else
And also
Did you know that baking soda will take out
Certain weld
You ever do that?
A weld burn?
Yeah a lighter one a gold one
It won't take out a brown one
But like if you're a
Tig welding and it's done and
All beautiful and washed out
If it's pretty good
You can take baking soda and
Scrub it with baking soda
And a little bit of water and it will take
The gold out of it
Okay well see I don't weld
So
Alright forget it
This next one I like
Let me explain why real quick
Oh okay that's fine
The reason why I don't weld is because
My optical nerves
Are enlarged
I'm very sensitive
To sunlight and
It's light
You know that's why I quit welding too
Later on
Except when I absolutely had to out in the field
And here's why
I will be welding all day
At my first metal job
That I just got out of the
You know out of the union
Right right right right
And my first metal job I was welding
For 8 hours a day
And I would go outside after welding
All day in the sun
And it took me like 2 minutes
To be able to see anything
Oh yeah yeah we got guys
In our shops certainly
Well I told my doctor about that I go
What is that he goes well he goes
If you do that your whole lifetime you'll
Probably be blind when you're 60 or 70
I'm like really
He goes yeah he goes that
Search your eyes he goes I know you know
You got the lens and all that
But he goes that infrared rays
Will eventually blind you
And I was like shit
So then after that I tried
Not to weld I tried to do other stuff
Other types of fab and
Stuff like that and then I went into the field
And started you know doing other stuff
Overwelded when I absolutely had to
Other than that I tried to find someone else
To do it
So I know exactly what you mean
So yeah
This next one
Blocks hard candy
Remember how bad that shit was
Ah
Yeah I think
I don't know
I love the butterscotch
Oh my god
I wouldn't pretend
Every time I go to my
Grandma's
Oh my god
Okay
I respect
Your taste buds to like
Butterscotch
I will just
I will just disagree
I don't eat candy
For many years
I have not eaten candy in many years
Oh I don't either
But yeah
I just remembered
That butterscotch being my favorite
From my grandma
Okay well I thought blocks hard candy
Every bit of it was horrible
And you used to go in there
And they would have all those different types
And they have that little scoop and you pay for it by the pound
Remember that
So anyhow I thought that was
A pretty good insult maybe you know
Okay let's say everything
But the butterscotch Rob would that work?
Yeah that will work
Okay everything
Okay I add this everything but the
Butterscotch
So blocks hard candy
Except the butterscotch
So
Alright the next one
Toilet accessories
You imagine getting called that
Hey you
Toilet accessories
Ehh
Scrub brush
Bon amy
Plunger
Plunger yeah
Ball cock I don't know
This next one I really love
Because it's ruined and it's no good
Exposed film
Oh my gosh
Hey tell that to a younger person
Just go
You're exposed film
Huh
The fuck are you talking about
You know photomanic
Forget it
Hey let me go
Let me go
Exposed film is trash
Exposed film is trash is basically trash
Yes yes
We remember those days
Yes we do
And I remember
Yes I knew a guy that
Worked at one of them he used to sneak me
The fucking the
Sex photos because people were
Stupid enough to go have them developed
Yes
Why did you ever
Kill me on
He said just because these negatives
Are in the bag that I gave him doesn't mean
I don't have negatives
He had
He had a fucking
He had a roll
Full of fucking 50's all over that
Thing
Yeah
And everybody thought like they
Didn't look or they didn't keep
Them or something and I don't know
He was always amazed and he could
Always tell the ones that did
He said yeah he goes it's usually
A couple they're kind of smiling really
Big
And now
You got people posting it
Yeah and they're probably still
They're probably on the internet somewhere too I'll bet
You there's websites dedicated to it
Them they're big old fucking
Hairy beavers right
Down to their knees
Dreadlocks snatch hair
This next one I like a lot too
Wheat germ
Remember wheat germ
Wheat germ used to be
The answer to everything
Oh
I see you lost some leg
Better get a little wheat germ in your diet
Huh?
Ah losing your hair
Better get a little wheat germ
It's like what the fuck
This stuff is garbage
Anything called germ
You're talking about
Wheat germ
Oh you can't get a boner
Ha ha ha better get some
Wheat germ
I know exactly what you're talking about
Yeah he's like
Get the fuck out of it with you and your wheat germ
You fuckface and don't worry about my boner
It bothers you it bothers me
People worry about my fucking boner
Get the fuck out of here
Ha ha ha
Don't worry about my boner it's fine
Come here come here
Give me your hand
No no come on here
You worry about my boner come on
Remember when we used to do that
Fucking grab someone's hand
And put it on your dick
Ha ha ha
I forgot about that
Ha ha ha
I remember the big most
But I forgot about that
Oh no any new guy that would come in working with us
The first thing you do is go there and talk to them
You grab their hand and fucking touch your dick
And they go hey hey
Hey quit touching me there
And they're like
That was
The Justin Jims initiation
Yes yep
Ha ha ha
Where did I just pull that out of my ass
I don't know how I remembered that
And if I remember right
You're gonna grab my hand and put it on your brother
Yes yes
If I remember right
I did
Well John was
Like what the fuck
I was looking for initiation to the new guy
And I double crossed John
I double crossed him by taking your hand
And putting it on his dick
Ha ha ha
Yeah
Why were we all so close after that
Yeah
Like hey you already felt my dick what else
Ha ha ha
So
Let's see video
Yeah
I remember some of the people
Some people would
Flip out they're like homophobic
Before we even knew what that was right
We were like oh my god
You son of a bitch what the fuck
You know it's like dude
You didn't really touch it you touched
Gene material
You know but anyhow
Ha ha ha
That's how we used to let people out
At Justin Jims whenever
They were out
No wonder we could never keep help there
We fucked with him too much
Oh you're fucking crazy
Ha ha ha
The next one
Non flowering thorn bush
That's just a pain in the ass
You don't get any flowers and it's thorny
That's funny
That was the exact
What I thought was pain in the ass
Pain in the ass like ow fuck
There's no bloom
Yeah it was
Pain in the ass with no kiss
Yes yes
Nothing good from it
Nothing good from it is what you're calling someone
I totally agree with that one
Yep
The next one I love too cause this is
Another nothing good from it really
I mean bland chicken
Bland chicken is horrible
Ha
You might as well go out
And fucking find a piece of paper
And start chewing that
You get about as much flavor out of it
So I don't think
That's like boiling the chicken
With post season
Yes bland chicken
Thanks for the chicken
It's really good
No no
I don't want anymore I ate before
I came here
You would have to be
Severely hungry
Yes yep
And I've been severely hungry like that before
Where bland chicken was okay
So
I guess it's perspective right
It's not bad
Yes yeah
This next one I love
Because I think everybody has been subject to this
And it's horrible
Non sweetened rice pudding
That stuff is horrid
It's like eating
A bag of fucking
Larva or something
It's like wet rice cake
Ugh
Non sweetened rice pudding
You feel those little pieces
I'm sorry I just suddenly
Popped that out
The next one
Flat orange soda
Flat orange soda is horrible
Have you ever had your orange soda
Go flat on you and then try to drink it
Yeah
So that's another one
It's just like some of it's pretty much worthless
Because you know you set your
Fanta down a couple of times
Like a bottle of Fanta like the real sugar stuff
Or something set it down a couple of times
And then you come back two hours later
You forgot about it and there's no fizz
And it's like oh man
God ew
That is nice and warm
Yeah I'm warm too that's the other thing
That's basically calling it
I like that for a kitchen tomorrow
Yeah you're calling someone pretty much worthless
Yeah
Oh this next one is great
Strep throat
That's a pain in the ass
Oh
You
You strep throat
Oh
That's like a
That's like such a pain in the ass it hurts
Like hell
That's like stay away from
All cost pain in the ass right
Yes
And then last
And probably least
Because I almost didn't put this on there
But I decided I needed another one
So this is the best I could do
At like midnight
The other night
Soggy checks mix
That's what I thought
You not saying anything
Explain it all Rob
Thank you
I'll be here all weekend folks
Tip your bartenders and waitresses
And be polite
So
Anyhow
You got anything
You got something
Yeah yeah
It's
Kind of hard to follow that up
When you want to go on a serious note
Go ahead
It's not
It's telling me in Missouri
It interfere with
The transport of lifestyle
Just now
Huh?
Just now?
No they used to have cattle wrestlers interfere
And that's why there's a law against it
No no no this is
Going down the road
Okay
Explain
I'm
I'm only going to read three photographs
So get it
All my rights groups
Haven't made a habit
Of obstructing with
Transport of cattle
In southwest Missouri
But there have been
Instances elsewhere
Such interference in Missouri
Can result in
Full and neat criminal charges
After Governor Mike
Parsons recently signed
The bill
A fence
Of interference
With transportation
Of livestock
Anyone who intentionally
Stops a motor vehicle
Transporting livestock
Disturbs livestock
And find any vehicle
Causes a
Delay or places
A substance on livestock
That affect
The tariff or use
To face serious penalties
Including a class
Equality
Or
Repeated charges
Passed fee felony
Okay
Um
Don't mess with livestock
Not in the state of Missouri
Well I agree with that
Okay
I mean
I mean by my Missouri
A lot of beef from my livestock
From out of this state
No I get it now
I get it
I think
What you're mainly talking about
Is going down the road
Yeah I
The pictures show trucks
Calling cattle trailers
And
Yeah
They're through with the transportation
Okay
Alright
Okay I get it
Um
Alright
Well I have an interesting little story
Here
You know Subway?
Yes
Okay
Not the ones in New York but the sandwich shop
Many of them they popped up everywhere
All over the fucking place
Yes we actually have one in Ganton
Believe it or not
I actually know you do it's been there for a while
So
Okay
You know Subway is offering one lucky fan
An unusual way of snagging free sandwiches
For the rest of their life
The fast food chain announced
That a customer who agrees to legally change
Their first name to Subway
Will be eligible for free
Subway sandwiches for life
Customers who are interested
In the contest
Are asked to visit SubwayNameChange.com
And commit to legally
Changing their first name
The offer is valid between August 1st
And midnight on August 3rd
So the contest is valid
Right now if you're dumb enough to get your name changed
To Subway
The contest is only open
For customers over the age of 18
In all 50 US states
And Washington DC
Nebraskans need to be 21 years
Or older while Alabama residents
Need to be at least 19
Subway will select one
Lucky winner to earn free sandwiches
And assume an iconic new identity
The sandwich chain announced in a
Press release
The businesses also make it easy for the lucky customer
By offering to cover any legal
Costs that result from the name change
Alright that's a good step there but
I still wouldn't do it
Get a crappy sandwich what once a week or whatever
They determine as a lifetime
Sandwiches
Subway will provide the winner
With money to reimburse them
For legal and processing
Costs for the name change
Making it easy and effortless to become Subway
And enjoy a lifetime of delicious
Subs the press release
Subway recently announced that the
Chain invested more than 80 million
In deli meat slicers that can make
Fresh cold cuts for customers
New recipes for sandwiches
Also added
Grand Slam ham, garlic roast beef, and turkey
And blah fucking blah
And I think that's
Probably one of the dumbest ideas I've ever
Heard of what do you think Rob?
I
I can't
Think of anybody that I
Know if I
Have ever known that would change your
Name to Subway
Well I mean
Okay first off
I would like to know what a lifetime supply was
Is there talking about a sandwich a week?
Or are they talking about a sandwich a day?
Are we talking about a
No no I thought I had
Breakfast lunch and dinner
That's what I'm saying to change my fucking
Name to Subway you better be
Supplying a lot of fucking food to me
Where I can really save some money
By not shopping
So much
You better start supplying
Chips you better start supplying some
Fridge fries or something
Yeah something
Can you imagine being going around being
Known as an asshole to change his name
To Subway
I mean
Yeah can you go in for a job
Interview
Subway oh you that asshole
Yeah I don't
Want to talk about it oh no no let's talk
About it
That was a long time ago
I don't know you'd be popular
For a while so
I mean you'd be in a
You'd make some royalties off
Of it at first
Well you'd be on
You'd be on Fallon and
Kimmel and that other idiot
What's his name on CBS
The guy that thinks he's a comedian
But is not
Colbert
You'd make it on all
Those shows
To me that's pretty much all of them
They all are I can't stand
Any of them they're a bunch of idiots
And they're not funny if you ever want to
If you ever want a
If you ever want an illustration of what's not
Funny watch any one of those shows
And Saturday Night Live too they're just
As bad
So
You'll make it on all those shows
Yeah they'll make it on all those shows
They'll be a big ha ha
They'll make fun of you and all that
And some people
Will recognize you from that
For like maybe a month
And you'll get a ha ha hey
And you might get a couple of free beers at the bar
But other than that
If you're getting a sandwich a week for the rest of your life
You're getting ripped off
If you're not getting at least one meal a day
You're getting ripped off
Matter of fact unlike you I would
Demand at least two meals a day
For the rest of my life
Seven days a week
365 days a year
And on and on until they fucking
Plant your ass or burn you up
Right
Well three meals you gotta have breakfast too man
Well I'm taking it easy on them
Just saying you know maybe I might do it for two
Well I wouldn't do it anyhow
It's not worth it to me
But I could see where someone could do it
Where someone would do it
And I'd be like you know I'm saving a ton of fucking money
But then again
Once you get sick of eating Subway sandwiches
And you probably about a year later
Start giving them away
You know what they're selling
You know hey
This is a fucking $30 sandwich
Because Subway is so high anymore in my opinion
You know I mean you might be able
To sell them for like $10
Or something
Just a sandwich or like you said
Does it come with stuff? Does it come with like a cookie?
Does it come with chips?
You know with a sandwich is it 6 inch?
Is it a 12 inch?
That's actually really 11 inches or 10
You know yeah
So I'm saying
Right now that this thing sounds like a horrible
Idea and whoever does it is an idiot
And I can't wait to see whoever does it
Because I will commentate on them
When I see them
Because I'm pretty sure I'm probably right on that
So
Anyhow
Um
Let's see
I got a little product here
Before we take a break
And then we'll come back with my dear
Deucebags letter
You know I talk about the KC Soda Company
Down at the City Market right?
And it's cool you know
They have my real sugar stuff in bottles
They have oddities like Kickapoo
Joy Juice and
Other things Nesbitt Orange
Just to name a few
They have these rare sodas that people
Actually you know that bottle companies
Picked up the recipe for
And are making small batches and selling
Them to specialty stores like that and it's really cool
Well I found something very
Interesting and I'm getting ready to look at it
Right here
It is Coca-Cola
With maple sugar
From a maple tree
From Quebec Canada
It was really
Oh that sounds awesome
You know what Rob when I come down there to see 38 Special
With you I will bring you one
I didn't know you would be so interested in it
It was really good
I love maple syrup
Yeah me too but I didn't know how it would be
In a Coca-Cola right?
Oh it is
It's
Caramel or Loot
I think it would be a great mix
It was a great mix
And I did it right
I chilled it to probably
About 31 degrees
In a refrigerator
It was probably about 31
Degrees to where there is a little bit of ice
Forming on the outside of it
I popped it open you could see
The fog coming from it
From the cold
And I swished it down right there
And it was fantastic
Wooo
Yeah but I don't think
They are going to have very many of them
They were rather high priced
And there was only like 3 or 4 of them
So when I get back from our little mini vacay
I will go
Up there because I got a couple
Of days off on the backside too
I'm going to go see
Hopefully they still have them I will get you one
And if not I will try to order one online
I will get you one and we will enjoy that
At the 38 Special concert
While we are listening to So Caught Up in You
And grabbing each others ass
Sounds great to me man
Yes me too
Getting a little squeeze from the old
Buttocks and singing along
Singing along to So Caught Up in You
Little girl, you are the only one
That I need
Let's see what else
Um
So uh
Let's see what the fuck
Now I just derailed myself I was going to go somewhere else
And I don't know
Um
You are the one that got me down on my knees
So baby please
So Caught Up, So Caught Up, So Caught Up in You
Um
Okay you know what
I'm going to go and end this fucking
Abortion right now
And we will be back
Yeah it's a good time for a break
We will see you fucks on the flip side
It's probably going to be a completely
Different podcast because here we are
At the hour mark and we still haven't
Got to our dear douche bags
Or our fried foods
At fair segment or nothing else so
You know what that's just the way this shit's going
So you know what hang tight and deal with it
Fucks we will be back in a little bit
Say bye Rob
Bye
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Hey where do they go
Where are the douchebags
Oh my god someone took a dump in the corner
Oh jeez
Glad they're gone
Let's just hope they don't come back
Man that smells