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Alright, Two Douchebags and Microphone. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Welcome. Alright, here we go, another podcast.
So today on today's episode, or unless we cut it in half,
we have my top acoustical list. Rob did his last week.
And new colognes and perfume that didn't make it. And this is from a different Mr. X.
We can also go into some more asshole hair Olympics if we want to.
Let's see, I've got a bunch of other little odds and ends stories here that I find pertinent.
A Brazilian woman that fell in love with a guy that's mugged her.
Let's see, I've got a Gen Zuma one that would you rather questions for them that they asked them.
And that they have a definite answer and opinion on that I found pretty interesting.
The new BK Burby cheeseburger meal.
And Black Sabbath faces Giesel Butler with a story that I like.
Anyhow, Rob, what do you have?
Wow, I've got little kid bits here and there.
Okay, well I'd like to start off with the Giesel Butler story if you don't mind.
That's alright.
Alright, well the notorious tour that took back even before the Black and Blue concert with Blue Rochers called Black Sabbath was
the Van Halen and Black Sabbath. Black Sabbath was the headliner and the most known band.
Van Halen just released their new album and was all about it.
And many reports, multiple reports say that Van Halen blew them off stage.
And other people are like, no it was pretty even. Black Sabbath brought it too.
I know this, there was definitely, Van Halen was an emerging band.
And Black Sabbath was in a very odd period at that time.
So I can see Van Halen with all their energy with David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen with his brilliant guitar.
And that heartbeat bass from Michael Anthony and Alex doing what he does.
I can definitely see them challenging them if not maybe surpassing them at that time.
And I'm not saying they were a better band live or anything like that.
I'm saying at that time, you know, because they were going through this different period.
There was like disco going on and all this other distractions going on.
Van Halen coming out going, this is what we are and they're in your face.
So this is from Bill Wood in his book, which I am still reading and I'm still pissed off because I can never get to it.
But tomorrow morning, I plan on going to the city market by myself and reading the rest of the fucking book.
So I'll have a full report.
Yeah, I'm going to delve into that bitch and I'm going to just breeze right past it because I keep trying to read it at night and I keep falling asleep.
So anyhow, yeah, it sucks.
So anyhow, Black Sabbath Bassist, oh, and not to mention losing your spot.
I wake up like, oh fuck, I didn't put anything in there.
Look at it, man. Now it's all mangled all over the bed and I don't know where I left it.
Anyhow, OK, Black Sabbath Bassist, Geezer Butler looked back on the band's 1978 tour with Van Halen.
It reflected on how Van Halen really stole the show.
The tour saw this young band Van Halen opening for an established name, Black Sabbath.
It was an odd time for Sabbath.
They have plenty of legal issues and they were trying to change musical directions with technical ecstasy, which one of the.
That was one of the lesser albums. And I mean, a lot of people didn't say Never Say Die, but I like Never Say Die.
I thought there were some good tunes on that technical ecstasy.
Yeah, it was a great album, really. It was just a different direction.
Never Say Die was actually even though the title of the song was Never Say Die, it's a happy sounding song.
It was heavy. Ozzy sounded great in it.
I mean, it was good, but the music scene was rapidly changing.
When Geezer was asked the question, was Van Halen better and actually getting more applause than Sabbath?
Geezer replied, We held our own.
The crowd was Sabbath fans, but like all of us, we're surprised at how good Van Halen was.
We were fans of Van Halen and used to party with him every night.
At first, Tony was pissed off that Eddie was doing these longer, longer guitar solos.
But I remember correctly, Eddie, when he first came out, he wasn't playing those long solos.
That was due to people going nutso over his guitar and screaming, you know, more and more.
And he had to deliver more because people were just going insane because there was this new style with the finger tapping and all this shit that people didn't know that much about.
You know, and all the wizardry he did with the electronics and his franken guitar and all that stuff.
You know, people are just going ballistic over this shit.
And, you know, he really kind of did it out of necessity.
And therefore, their sets were getting longer, which definitely pisses off the main act because they, you know, they're kind of like, hey, wait a minute now.
You're going over an hour, you're starting to get into our time and that's bullshit.
So, but I mean, Eddie Van Halen, Tony Iommi were fantastic, best friends after the tour.
So it didn't hurt too bad. So, you know, they kind of got through it.
So at first, Tony was pissed off that Eddie was doing these longer, longer guitar solos.
Ozzy was peed. The DLR was out there. David Lee Roth was out there going out using all of Ozzy's things.
I kind of take exception to that.
David Lee Roth was doing Jim Dandy things. Jim Dandy from Black Oak, Arkansas, things, not Ozzy things.
They can say Ozzy things all they want, but Jim Dandy was doing fucking David Lee Roth stuff before David Lee Roth knew he was even David Lee Roth.
So, and I think maybe even Ozzy may have even borrowed some stuff from him. I don't know.
You know, Ozzy had his own gimmick and no one could touch it because he did that where he's like, you know, got his hands between his knees springing up like a frog, you know, and clapping and doing the peace sign and stuff, you know.
And he had his own gimmick going on and he was fantastic at it. The madman, he'd get a bizarre look on his face, start tearing his clothes off and screaming and come on, you know, what the fuck?
Jim Dandy was like more of the showman. He was kind of like the fucking rugged ballerina guy, you know, fucking prancing on stage and stuff.
And that's what David Lee Roth was. So, you know, they may have think he did, but I don't necessarily agree with that.
I think it really, I think it really started getting us down at the end. Some people love Sabbath. Some people love Van Halen.
But the record company was promoting the new Phenom Van Halen and both bands were on the same record company's payroll.
So you can see how that goes. Old band, new band, both on Warner Brothers. Old band starting to kind of fray a little bit.
Their last album wasn't that great, didn't sell that great, didn't do that great, but still they're a great draw.
And here comes the up and comers just blazing the world. Of course, the record company is going to start hugging them and kind of dissing Sabbath.
That's just the way it goes, you know. They're going to say, hey, there's more money on the upside in Van Halen than there is in Sabbath, is what they were thinking.
And they might have been right at the time. So anyhow.
In my opinion, I love Sabbath. I like Van Halen.
Depends on what era Van Halen you're talking about to me. The first four, five, the first five, all the way up to 1984.
I thought was some of the best music ever written. I mean, especially the first up to women. I don't know. Fair warning.
OK, the first two Van Halen albums were some of the best ever. Fucking just blazing.
No, I totally agree with you. I'm talking the same era, up to about 1984.
Yeah, 1984, Eddie started getting into synthesizers and it was still great music, but it wasn't quite the same to me.
There was a couple of good ones.
Yeah, there was. But yeah, you know, I mean.
Not like we knew them.
I agree.
OK, I think it was just a great show. Two of Went and Seen is what Geezer said.
This tour would mark the last time Ozzy the original band would be intact.
When Ronnie James Dio came in, it kind of re-energized us. We were all stuck in the muck and was going nowhere.
Ronnie came in with new enthusiasm and really kicked us all in the ass.
Heaven and Hell, now there was an album in between there and it was Never Say Die, but they never did tour for that.
I mean, they were already pretty much broke up by the time that album came out.
So it was not a tour for that, but there was a tour for Technical Ecstasy.
So Never Say Die was kind of like Koda for Led Zeppelin. Only no one died, you know.
Koda came out after Bonham already died and they're already pretty much dismissed the band. They're like, now we're not going to do it without him.
And also they had so many problems with substance abuse and each other. It ran its course, basically.
So Led Zeppelin was already like when Koda came out, they're already broke up and it's just shit they found on the floor.
Now, Never Say Die, most that album was written prior.
But they were having all these, you know, it wasn't shit they found on the floor.
Some of it might have been. There might have been a couple of songs they found on the floor.
But the rest of it was stuff that they actually wrote for the album.
But then soon after the album, I mean, I think right before it came out, they pretty much broke up.
And then right after Never Say Die, they got with Ronnie and then, you know.
So Ronnie came in with new enthusiasm. It really kicked us all in the ass.
Heaven and Hell was the direction for the band. The album Mature was a smashing success.
We were all very lucky. Ozzy and Sabbath, too, all have done so well after the bitter breakup.
And, you know, Geezer also played with Ozzy's solo band in 1988 and 89.
And he also came back a couple of times and played with Ozzy a few more times.
So Geezer would know he played for Sabbath and Ozzy's solo.
So, you know, Geezer, you know, Geezer's right, man. They both actually fared really well after the breakup.
Because everybody thought, number one, Ozzy was going to be found dead in a ditch.
Number two, Sabbath couldn't replace Ozzy. Well, they didn't try to replace him.
What they did was they went a completely different direction and it was a success.
That doesn't always happen, but because it was Ronnie James Dio and it was a guy with so much power and musical aptitude
that it was a brilliant success because of that.
It was like the perfect marriage after a marriage that broke up.
And anyhow, and it probably couldn't have been anyone else except Ronnie James Dio.
And Ozzy, you can look no further than Sharon because she resurrected his career.
Because and he'll tell you this, if it wasn't for her, he would probably be dead.
If not, he would probably be dead or something almost as bad.
So, yeah, so anyhow, like that, like that a lot.
So while we're on the music, you want to hear my top acoustical list?
Let's do it. I've been dying to hear this.
All right. Now, I took the original list and I tore it up because I was pissed.
I'm like, you know what? I'm going to concentrate and I'm going to do better.
And I am going to find some of the best songs ever.
And they are going to be on this. And I think I found them.
So, OK, this this is all in order.
And there's quite a few of them, so I'm just not even going to count them down.
So let's OK, let's see one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
There's eleven of them. That'd be sturdy.
OK, yes, I look, it was thirty and I kept narrowing it down.
And like I said, I ripped the original list up because I knew I could dig down deep and do better.
And I think I did. Oh, man. Oh, man. I'm telling you, it was hard.
Isn't it? Isn't it? There's so many songs that I'm not even sure if I have them in right order.
So anyhow, OK, number eleven, looking out my back door, CCR.
That is. Yeah, that's that's just a bunch of strumming and really, really great.
Just great lyrics and it just pop singing.
Just, you know, nothing too crazy, just really good stuff.
Over now, Alice in Chains. Oh, that low.
Yeah, it is. That's this is the only song that I kept from my original list.
Really? Yes. And it's way down there because this is how much better I think I did.
All right. Wish you were here. Pink Floyd.
Oh, see, I didn't even think of that one.
It took me forever. You know what I did?
I went to the 1970s acoustical playlists of radio stations, the Billboard top, whatever's.
And I started scrolling down the songs and the ones I were really thinking were that good.
I really listened to and I was like, no, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
No, no, no. It took a while, but I did it one night and it was fantastic.
I had a blast doing it to some of these songs. I'm like, oh, my God, I never even realized there's banjo in or whatever.
Yeah, it was just fantastic.
I mean, the 70s is awesome, isn't it? Yeah. Yep.
Next one, Hurt by Johnny Cash, not Nine Inch Nails.
The Nine Inch Nails version is not acoustical. The Johnny Cash version is acoustical. Yes.
Now, I mean, rarely do you have a song that someone covered better.
This is one of them. Johnny Cash covered this song better than Nine Inch Nails when they first wrote it.
They're both great songs, but Johnny Cash did it with so much passion and feeling.
It could never be duplicated.
And I'm sure if you asked Trent Reznor. Yeah, it was his final song. Yeah, it was his final album.
Yeah. If you asked Trent Reznor, I'm sure he would be like, yeah, you had Johnny Cash fucking own that song, you know, and I wrote it.
Yeah, it was good. It was good, but then when Johnny came along, he made it great or whatever.
So next one, Wonderwall by Oasis.
Wow. Yeah.
Dude, you were totally going the other direction. I thought you would.
Today is going to be the day that they give it up back to you.
That's a good song. It's acoustic. Yeah, it's a good song.
I mean, I realized the acoustic. Yeah, it's acoustic. Almost all acoustic.
My mind was going elsewhere. Okay. Now, Wonderwall and Johnny Cash could be in reverse order.
I think now in the mood I'm in right now, I put Johnny Cash ahead of Wonderwall by just a little bit.
But let's just leave it like this. That's what I wrote down. So Johnny Cash, then Wonderwall.
Next one, Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin. And I did not have that on the original one.
Right. I re-listened to it and I'm like, I have to. I have to.
No matter how many times that song's been played, does not make it not great.
There is just certain points of the acoustic in that to just...
Yeah. You know what I mean? And it's parts you don't want me to pick up.
But if you do an assignment like this, you're really listening to that one part.
And you're like, oh man, I never caught that before.
To me, the acoustic, how fast it comes after...
And now as we all wind down the road, our shadow is taller than our soul.
There's a lady we all know. You know when it gets really fast?
That's still acoustic in the background. That is still acoustic in the background.
Yes.
Man, I'll tell you what. Listen to that with headphones on.
And your mind is just stretching every way because of the stereophonic and the acoustic in the back,
the lead in the front, Robert Plant's voice in the back, and then the front,
the panning of the drums and the bass. It's like beautiful noise put together brilliantly.
Everything gets blended together now.
Man, it's just... If there's ever art in this world, this is art.
Yeah.
Yeah, so... Anyway, the next one. Night Moves, Bob Seger.
Wow.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder. How far off, I said.
Wow, dude.
Started humming a song from 1962.
You are blowing my mind, I hear.
Yeah, I know.
Funny how the map works.
You're going to the answers I normally would have came up with.
When you don't seem to have as much to lose.
But I'm going to show you the different music now.
Mm-hmm. And then when he starts the acoustic back, and at first he's kind of like twangy,
and he kind of knocks the guitar a little bit, it's just...
Yeah.
And he left it in there for a reason, and it gave you this night feeling, like you're midnight in the back of a car.
Yeah.
With a very sweet young lady, and you're watching the stars. I mean, brilliant, brilliant.
And I'm not a huge Bob Seger fan. This was brilliant. It was his finest moment.
I am.
By a thousand.
I'm a big Bob.
Okay. Well, anyhow, this next one.
Tears in Heaven, Eric Clapton.
Ah.
Ha-ha-ha. Got you on that one, didn't I?
That is a lost gem.
You know, Tears in Heaven was written about a son that fell out the window and passed away.
Yes, I knew that.
That song has so much emotion in it.
You don't have to see his face.
Yeah.
You know exactly what his face looks like, and you know there's tears running down it.
Some of the lyrics, like, you know, if I were to see you in heaven, would you know my face?
I mean, that stuff right there is sheer agony, pain, and sadness put to art.
It's just brilliant. It's just bravo.
It's something that not everybody can do.
You either have this extreme God-given talent, or you don't.
And Eric Clapton, with his body of work, anyhow, but you incorporate a little bit of pain.
Oh my God.
Oh, yeah. He's a wonderful guitarist.
Yeah, the other one that comes close to it that Eric Clapton does, but I decided between one of these two songs, was
You Look Wonderful Tonight.
He is singing that. He is singing that to George Harrison's wife.
He was madly in love with her, and ended up with her, I believe.
I got a read up on that story. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty crazy shit.
So anyhow, but the way he reads it, he was in love with this woman, just like, batty.
I mean, anyhow, Eric Clapton, I mean, there's no doubt, like, he does emotions so well.
Yeah, yeah. He's a master. He's one of the greatest.
Next one is a song I told you about, and hopefully you studied up on it.
People Get Ready. Rod Stewart and Jeff Beck.
It's Jeff Beck's brilliant guitar, but Rod Stewart sings it so masterfully.
It is a gospel song.
Rod Stewart put out a gospel album in the, I believe it was the late 80s, and Jeff Beck's guitar accentuated this whole thing.
And People Get Ready is just a masterful song.
And then this was number one, until I heard this next song on the radio, and said, I'm sorry, I gotta slip the other one in front of the one.
This one was my number one. Win Crys Merry, by Jimi Hendrix.
Oh.
Give me that championship belt, Rob. You know, you know, bring it over here. Bring it here.
You did this show on purpose.
No, I didn't. No, no, no, no, no. Well, I guess I did. I ripped up my old list and demanded better.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I just said, he got me going and all his students.
You know what?
I'm gonna give you three weeks to come up with your new list.
Okay. Three weeks.
Okay. How long do you need?
Well, I thought, I thought next weekend.
Okay. Next weekend.
I thought that was the agreement.
Okay.
That was heavy, right? Heavy.
Oh, okay. I thought you wanted to do another acoustical list because you're.
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next week, come up with heavy.
All right. Next one and number one, just by just a slim margin is Let It Be by The Beatles.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
That song. That song is one of the best songs ever.
Wow.
And you definitely went to a different direction. I thought you were going.
Well, I knew there was, I just like the last list I was not happy with and I tore it up without even memorizing it.
I'm like, that's just not gonna do.
And like I said, I did a little research and I went back and I looked at Billboard Hot 200, I think it's Hot 200, throughout all of the 70s.
And there's like some songs on there like Bridge Over Trouble Water and The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel.
And there's all these songs that could have been on this list.
But when it came down to it, when I listened to it, how did it make me feel?
Did I actually get what they're saying?
You know, like Tears in Heaven or When Christ Marry.
When Christ Marry is a very painful song, very painful song.
And it's argued about what it's talking about. Some people say it's talking about drug abuse.
Some people say it's talking about a woman.
But either way, it's a very sad and very cry for help song.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Oh, and I forgot to say, that was also a toss up between Little Wing by Jimi Hendrix.
When Christ Marry and Little Wing.
But I chose When Christ Marry just because of the emotion and feeling that was in it.
I thought was a little bit more intense, a little bit more vivid, a little bit more powerful than Little Wing.
So, anyhow, that is it.
That's how I kind of come up with my number one outside.
My stain.
Yeah.
If you watch that YouTube version.
Uh huh.
I did, by the way.
It's like the radio version.
It's, he puts so much emotion into it.
No, no, I watched it. I know which one you're talking about.
I've actually seen it before after you said it.
I got thinking about it.
I go, I know which one you're talking about.
And yeah, and it actually became a huge hit again because of that version.
Yeah, yeah, I mean it was just awesome.
Yeah.
He put so much emotion into it.
Yeah, it was very, very emotional.
Let's see, what else would you call this song?
Reaching Out.
Yeah.
Um.
Yeah.
Um, not quite despair, but a please, you know, I'm reaching out type of thing.
It was very good.
So, um, here switching completely directions here in a couple of minutes after the break
where you're going to hear some new ha ha's and this and that and others and I don't know,
maybe a goat yodeling or something.
Who knows what I'll stick in there.
But anyhow, new clones and perfume that didn't make it.
Mr. X is not done yet.
Mr. X sent this to me and he sent me a text saying, hey, check your email.
It's only going to be there for 10 minutes and then it's gone.
So Mr. X, uh, broke into, uh, Faberge, I don't know whoever the fuck this perfume nowadays.
And he got these new perfume scents that did not work and he sent them to me.
So I think we owe Mr. X a gift card, don't we?
Yeah, we do.
We do.
We're two.
What do you think?
Probably not Bed Bath and Beyond.
Um.
Yeah.
No, no, they're closed.
Yeah, yeah.
Probably not them.
Um.
Applebees?
No, no, no, they're closing too.
Chilis?
You like chilis?
Chilis.
You think Mr. X likes chilis?
I don't know.
How about Texas Roadhouse?
Okay.
He can go get him a fucking Tomahawk steak and, and, and none of that, but like Mr. X
on his way out, he can load up with those biscuits with those rolls.
So, yeah, so like he can like get like 10 rolls with his half a steak and his couple
of, uh, his couple of fries that he didn't eat yet.
And the next day he'll have a whole nother meal with the 10 rolls, the, uh, the half
a steak and the, uh, and the four, um, steak fries.
But he'll eat all his salad, I'm pretty sure.
He's a healthy eater, Mr. X.
So, anyhow.
All right.
Now we're going to take us a break and then we'll be back with, uh, these new, uh, perfumes
and colognes that didn't work.
A brand new future.
Strange insights from an alien.
Hopefully you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags in a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell.
Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and
old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
Two Shirley temples and a bottle of scotch.
We'll be right back.
Hey look, I think we found land.
Oh my God, I think we're safe.
Oh no!
It's the island of horrible jokes.
Why?
Can't it know?
It talkens as long.
Because then it would be a foot.
If a 10 pound bag of shit could talk, this is what it would sound like.
Alright, welcome back everybody.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Bob.
Alrighty.
Well, as promised, like we said a little bit ago, Mr. X sent me a text and I looked down
and I was like, oh it's Mr. X.
And I thought it was going to be new douche flavors or something.
But no, he went crazy this time.
And he somehow got into Faberge and he found all these new clones that they test marketed
that didn't work.
And you know, it was his typical, get to your email and print it out in 10 minutes or less.
Because in 10 minutes, this email disappears.
So I just barely got to my printer, hit print, and it printed it and then bam, the email
disappeared.
So Mr. X, thank you.
Your Texas wrote out gift card will be on the way tomorrow.
So hey, how much should we give him?
You think we should like give him dinner for two?
At least one meal.
I'm saying dinner for two.
I don't know that much about him.
He might have a wife or a girlfriend or something.
Yeah, dinner for two.
And an appetizer.
What, like 50?
I'm going to go 70.
Because if he has a little one, maybe get a child's meal for like four bucks with it too.
Yeah, there you go.
The tips on him.
Sorry, Mr. X. Tips on you.
So, all right.
New clones and perfumes that didn't make it.
Thank you, Mr. X.
First off, burnt ass.
I can't believe I didn't make it.
Really?
Yeah, burnt ass was not a good perfume smell.
I guess they test marketed it and everyone was like, we don't like this burnt ass stuff.
So, I don't know.
It sounds reasonable to me.
You?
Well, you and I have this strange obsession with ass.
I know we do.
Speaking of that real quick, and we'll get back to this in a minute.
Do you get any more ass photos?
No new ass photos.
Yeah, we're still chatting, but that's about it.
What about, who's the other one, Eric or?
Yeah, Eric out in the ocean side.
So, one more Eric, just that one and done?
Actually, he seems to be a pretty cool guy talking to him.
Oh, that's cool.
All right.
Yeah.
Does he like the show?
They just did it because of the show, man.
They just did it because of the show.
That's fucking awesome.
All right, well, tell them thanks for listening and keep listening.
And you know what?
Oh, yeah.
When we get better capabilities, he can call in.
Yeah, yeah.
So, Eric, hang in there.
We'll figure this shit show out somehow and get you on here.
If you want to be on, some people rather listen.
So, anyhow, the next one, stew meat.
I think that sounds like a great clone.
Who don't want to smell like stew meat?
That sounds good to me.
Sounds great to me.
Yeah, fuck yeah.
You walk around, smell like stew meat.
I mean, you might get a little hungry, but I mean, you know.
Maybe grab a bag, if you put that on, grab a bag of, I don't know, cashews or something.
Every time you start getting a little hungry, grab a couple of cashews and munch them down.
But I mean, other than that, I think stew meat would be very attractive, especially to the opposite sex, right?
Because that's why people want to smell good and want to be, you know.
So, yeah, what woman doesn't like stew meat?
Yeah.
That's how you get out here.
Oh, hell yeah.
Those cornbread chicks down there would go nuts over that.
They're like, who the hell smells like stew meat?
Wee!
You come here, big boy.
I'm ready for your stew meat.
A lot of fun girls down here.
Oh, yeah.
I'm ready for your stew meat.
I got to tell you this.
I just thought about it the other day.
In Lampe, Missouri, or no, Noll, Missouri, not Lampe, Noll, Missouri,
is where not only I saw the guy eating out of the dumpster, and that was relatively new to me,
and I was just sitting there floored, but me and my former friend Mac, who's just,
I don't even want to get into him, but anyhow, he's got a lot of issues.
We used to go to Grand Lake in the Cherokees and then cross over the border when it was like 110 down there,
and if you jumped in the Grand Lake, it felt like hot bath water,
so we would go down to the Elk River in Noll, Missouri, and that was 50 degrees,
and we'd grab our PBR six-pack and tie it to us and just stand in the river, and it was fun.
Well, Mac goes to me, he goes, man, he goes, look at that fucking hot ass chick,
and she's wearing a red bikini, and she was just smoking, and I'm like, fuck.
I mean, she was like an Ellie May or something, you know, and I mean, she was obviously a southern chick, you know,
and she's up there on this bridge with this dude, and the dude was a little ways away from her,
and she's just sitting there, and then all of a sudden, Mac goes, dude, she's making fart noises with her tits,
and I'm like, ha, ha, ha, and then all of a sudden, I hear a...
and I look up, and she has this straw between her tits, and she has this really kind of string bikini on,
and she was making fart noises with her tits with a straw,
and anyhow, I'm like, oh my God, this is the best thing ever,
and I couldn't get a picture because I couldn't have my phone with me, it was in the car,
because, and actually, I don't think the phones were... back, you know what, then the phones weren't that good anyhow,
so I probably wouldn't even think about taking a picture with my phone, because we weren't quite there yet.
I had a cell phone, but it was more like the other ones, the Nokia's or something,
and that's another thing, too, speaking of the old Nokia phones, some of the first smart phones that had the very smart screen,
I had a request from... I believe I went to school with this guy, I think so,
but he wants to hear the guy who used to work with Minivan story,
how I used to connect to his Bluetooth and drive him nuts with polka music.
Yeah, he wants to hear that story again, and I can't seem to find it, I'm not sure what episode it's in,
and I looked through them and I can't find it, so I'm just going to have to retell it again.
Maybe I'll do it at the end of this podcast, I'll retell it.
So, anyhow, if I get to that, great, if not, then we'll do it soon.
I really should probably write it down and remember everything, but anyhow.
The next one is Pus.
I can see why people don't like Pus as a clone.
Yeah, I kind of get it.
You ever smell Pus?
Not that good, not that good a smell, believe it or not, not that good a smell.
Next one, Infected Toe Nail.
They didn't like that smell?
These people are hard to please, Rob, hard to please.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This next one I love, and I don't know how anyone could not love it.
If you love the Fourth of July, you'll love this.
Gunpowder.
Gunpowder's a great cologne.
Yeah, what a great cologne.
Little dab between each ear.
They turned it down.
No, bring that out.
They're a bunch of communists over there, geez.
Yeah, little gunpowder back behind your ears.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I could not believe it.
I'm like, what?
You know, Pus, okay, I get it.
Infected Toe Nail, I guess I get it.
That must be a bunch of yuppies.
I guess, gunpowder, eww.
Gunpowder's bad.
That hurts people.
Eww.
So, anyhow, gunpowder was out.
They threw it out.
Did some test marketing on it, and they said no.
So, anyhow, the next one, and this one gets me because who doesn't love it?
Well, actually, I don't like it, but anyhow, liverlingons.
Oh, hell no.
No, no, you're not a liver fan either?
No.
There is not many things in this world that I will not eat.
But, beef liver is one of them.
I like chicken livers.
Chicken livers are-
I'll lose it every time.
I agree with you.
I like chicken livers.
I love chicken livers.
If they're fried right-
I like chicken livers.
I might choke down, but beef liver, no.
Oh, I agree.
It's got a horrible taste.
Beef's smell like cooking.
I can't be an ass.
Oh, no, same here.
Same here.
So, we're on the same page.
My dad loved that shit.
I know a lot of people love liver and onions.
Me, I've never been a fan.
No.
It sounds like hell to me.
I remember my mom used to cook it because it's supposed to be so good for you.
Then they find out that it's loaded with toxins because that's what a liver does.
It takes the toxins out of your body.
So, it used to be like, eat liver, it's high in iron.
Then it's like, oh shit, don't eat liver.
All the toxins that that animal ever had in its life is in there.
So, anyhow.
The next-
Yeah, some of my best showdowns with my dad at dinnertime was over liver.
You should doubt and eat your liver, boy.
Fuck no.
You're going to sit there and eat all that.
No, I ain't.
You're going to kiss the whitest part of my ass, old man.
What?
You think you can catch me eating all that?
You do that, boy, every time.
Yep.
You're going to get me.
I'll ride underneath this table and I'll smack you right in the fucking Johnson.
You hear me, boy?
I'll fucking Johnson punch you and I'll be out that door in one hot second, bitch.
And you ain't chasing me.
I'll be on top of you pissing on your head, old man.
You hear what I'm saying there?
Hell no.
I didn't do that.
I had to come home sometime.
I'd be asleep and all of a sudden-
Oh my God, boy, you just described my childhood.
I'll Johnson punch you, you old bastard.
Hey, little one.
We weren't that bad, but it was a lot of fun.
Nah, I'm joking around.
I'll crack your nadsicle wide open, bitch.
Shit.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we're doing clones.
Sorry.
There's big showdowns of liver and onions in my house, too.
And then at first my mom didn't have the decency to onion them up at first.
And then she discovered onions and it's like, that's better, but still no.
It's like, just give me the fried onions on the side there, put them in a plate.
That's good enough for me.
I'll just eat the onions tonight.
It's great.
Love it.
That just ruined the onions for me.
Well, I mean, if it had to have been, I had to eat part of it, yeah.
But no, what I used to do is I'd call my dog over there, right?
And then as soon as mom would get up to take a plate to the fucking sink,
I'd have it cut into like four individual pieces, big enough for the dog to grab and run off.
So I'd give it to the dog and the dog would automatically run off to keep it away from the other dogs.
So I'd like, here.
And then I'd sit there and act like I'm chewing on it some more.
But instead I'd be eating the onions off of that bitch and nothing else.
And yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it's not that bad, I guess.
Ah, yeah, yeah, it's okay.
It's like, come on, man, fucking, come on, Prince, hurry up.
Eat that son of a bitch.
Come on, man, get back here.
Hey, get back over there.
Mom and fucking Trump.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Yeah, yeah, this liver's good, man.
Pretty good.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
No, no, no.
We don't need it two times this week.
No, no, no.
Liver once every three months is fine.
Or eight months, hopefully, or forever.
So anyhow, it worked.
So the next one.
Mealworms.
Mealworms, I don't know, I guess they have a smell.
I don't know.
Well, all right, well, the panel said no.
So you're not going to have mealworm by Yaron.
Yaron mealworm.
The next one, I guess I get.
Roadkill.
Roadkill by Menon.
Yeah, that did not do too well.
So the panel shut down.
Which is the left bar you're going to.
That's true.
It's like the barn that's on the Arkansas-Missouri state line.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
I've got it here, you're right there.
Okay, okay.
There's this barn that they play music in, and it's like a biker barn.
And it is on 62 maybe, or what's the other road going out there?
No, it's not 62.
It's the other road that goes into Eureka Springs.
Oh shit.
Well anyhow, it's right at the Arkansas-Missouri state line.
Right when you get into Arkansas, it's this old barn, and it says beer and all this stuff.
And Fridays and Saturday nights, driven past it.
It's nobody but a bunch of bikers out in the middle of nowhere.
They go to this barn and listen to music and drink.
It doesn't have a name.
It just has a big sign that says beer with an arrow.
And then it said live bands back there near the barn.
Are you sure that's not a biker game?
Oh, maybe it is.
Never thought about that.
Alright.
That's how they get you.
You're like, here?
Okay, I'll go there.
And then they got you.
Hey!
Look what we got here.
Woo-wee!
Oh, yeah.
Look at the booty hole on that one.
It'll do.
The next one that did not make it.
Acetone.
I don't know why, but acetone smells so good, right?
I know you work with it.
I kind of like it.
Yeah, I've paid in houses for a few years.
It'll make you nice and light-headed, happy, bigly.
Yeah.
Falking around.
The wind.
Yeah.
That helped my day every day.
Hell yeah.
Acetone.
Nothing wrong with it.
I don't know why they didn't do it.
Next one.
Start peeling down.
Squirt on some more.
Yeah.
Wipe that bitch down three or four more times.
She'll be alright.
Like, yeah, yeah.
Those ain't clean enough.
I've got to go get some more acetone.
Well, would you like to switch up to mineral spirits?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, acetone gets it much cleaner.
Much cleaner.
Oh, the worst yet is lacquer thinner.
Oh.
Lacquer thinner will flat out send you to the fucking ozone if you get too close smelling
at.
Yeah, yeah.
Like I said, I've paid in houses for a few years.
Yeah.
Next one.
Crack pipe.
Who doesn't like the smell of a nice crack pipe, huh?
I can't believe I'm picking this.
Where did they get this from?
I'm a fellow.
I've heard you, Mark.
I've never smelt one.
Oh, I have.
It is the weirdest fucking chemical smell ever.
I'm not a crack pipe.
Oh, man.
Oh.
There's this guy I used to work with.
We called him Cracky.
And you could smell it on him because a friend that I worked with there walked up to him
one time.
He goes, what is that weird smell every time you walk by?
Oh, that's crack.
He's a mini crack addict.
And when he got his check at 430 at this place that I worked at that welded stainless steel
components together, he was a very good welder.
And he hit someone on his bike, his motorcycle.
And he skidded down the road.
He skidded off one of his legs.
He had a peg leg.
And I guess it killed her.
And he went to prison for a while.
But he was this fantastic welder.
So this place hired him to weld.
And he was still a crack addict admittedly.
So he would get his check on 430 Friday.
And he would spend all his money on crack.
And then when he ran out, he ran out.
Sometimes it would be Sunday.
Sometimes it would be Saturday.
It just depended on how much crack he could get and how much he could smoke and all that.
But he lived the city union mission.
And he had a bus pass, a free bus pass through some sort of charity that would take him to
working back, the city bus would.
And so he used to do that.
He used to bitch because he had to listen to a gospel message at night.
And he had to go to bed at 9 o'clock in one of the cots.
And so anyhow, he had everything paid for him.
And they gave him food and all this food to go to work with and all that.
So me and this old man that I work with were both eating our fucking bologna or ham sandwiches
or whatever in the break room.
And the crackhead, he'd come up there and he's eating like Stroud's chicken and Jack
stack barbecue and all this expensive food.
And I look at the old man, his name was Darryl.
I go Darryl.
Cracky over there, his name was Gerald.
But anyhow, everyone called him Cracky and he wanted to be called Cracky.
I go, Gerald, or I go Darryl, my friend.
I go Cracky over there is a crack addict, right?
Yeah.
I go, how did he get all this expensive food and you and I are eating fucking ham and bologna
sandwiches and we don't do crack.
We go home and we spend our checks on our families and stuff and this guy does not.
So how does that work?
He goes, Darryl goes, you know what, he's honest about everything from being a crackhead
to everything.
Let's just go ask him.
Walk over there and we go, hey, Cracky.
Yeah, what?
You're a crackhead, right?
Yeah.
You spend all your money on crack, right?
Yeah.
Love it.
Okay.
Well, then how come you come in here with Stroud's chicken and Jack stack barbecue and
all this great food and me and Darryl are eating fucking ham or bologna sandwiches?
He goes, oh man.
He goes, yeah.
He goes, Monday's Catholic services and the homeless shelter on Grand.
Tuesday is this place, this place and this place.
What happens is all these catering jobs like Jack stack does a huge catering job or Stroud's
or any of these fine restaurants around Kansas City, all the leftover food goes to them and
he gets all this fucking great food.
He had like a great fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, fucking barbecue sandwich.
Even had fucking a piece of carrot cake.
It looked delicious.
He goes, yeah, they come over and they give us this food every day and then if they don't,
I go down to the Catholic church and I get one there Monday and Tuesday.
I go to this homeless shelter and Wednesday I go here and they get all this kick ass food
that we didn't because we're not crackheads.
Isn't that a bitch?
Yeah.
I almost told him to start getting food for me.
Like dude man, fucking break me and Darryl off some of that shit.
But anyhow, oh, this all started with crack pipe.
Next one.
I'm everywhere today.
My ADD is fucking flying off the wall.
I'm hearing this.
Yeah.
I hope this broadcast sounds good because I'm all over the fucking place.
My opinion, I think it sounds pretty good so far.
Okay, good.
The next one, the next cologne flavor that did not make it was sawdust.
What the hell is wrong with sawdust?
It's one of my all time favorites.
Sawdust is awesome.
Sawdust means you did a good job.
And you see a pile of sawdust, it means you're a good person because you did this job and
you made this wood something that would have never been.
Yeah.
Little pat on the ass.
It's like good job, Mark.
Look at this.
She made this baseball bat to beat that dumb ass down the road with.
Great job.
Right?
Amen.
Okay, the next one.
I spent many years in construction in the building houses and that's a beautiful smell.
Yes.
Yep.
Yeah.
Well, I used to work around sawdust whenever I was in the shop and that's because I build
pallets sometimes and sawdust will get up in your nose and get in your eyes and shit.
But I loved it.
The word actually has kind of a sweet smell to it because we use pine.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean different woods have different smells.
My favorite though is hickory.
You ever burn hickory over a campfire?
Oh, I love it.
Hickory is just, man.
I love it.
Yeah, I love it just being out in the woods.
No light anywhere.
I think I burn forever.
Hickory burns, you're right.
I burn forever.
Hickory burns forever and it burns pretty hot too and it's just the most, it's the greatest
smell.
And I'll tell you what, if you got a couple of burgers you could throw on there if you
have a grid or something you could put over it, they're the best burgers you'll have in
your life.
Oh, yes.
Oh, they're so good.
Yes.
Yep.
The next one, meat sweats.
I thought that was a great smell myself.
I mean you smell like meat and you're sweating.
Who wouldn't want that?
No, no, no.
No.
Okay, all right.
All right, hang on.
No, no, hey, hey.
You said you want us to disagree.
I'm disagreeing with you.
No, it's all right.
It's all right we disagree.
This next one I kind of see it because it's a pain in the ass.
Sinus infection.
No one wants to smell like a sinus infection.
A really bad one whenever people come up on you you can smell it in their breath.
That sucks.
Yes.
But you can smell.
You can smell it in their breath if they have a bad sinus infection.
Yeah, but yeah, and you think, yeah, ooh.
Smells like infected snot.
Not good.
I could see why that one got kicked out.
I could too.
Yeah, yep, I could too.
The next one, tailpipe exhaust.
Because no one wants to smell like burnt up gasoline coming out of a pipe, huh, I guess,
huh?
Who would have thought?
Okay, well it depends.
There's different tailpipe exhaust smells.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Good point, Rob.
Well I guess.
Actually, if you smell it, it can't be that good if you think about it.
If you smell it, it's really kind of a rancid smell actually.
Yeah, yeah.
And it's not very good for you either.
Good point.
Yeah.
The next one, colosalmy bag.
I think I could agree that that's probably not a good cologne smell.
I don't think so.
I think I get where the panel was going on this one.
I was like, yeah.
You just let me speak to smell that one.
Probably not in a good way, huh?
No.
That's what I thought.
So colosalmy bag did not make it.
And then finally, finally, black pepper did not make it, oddly enough.
So that is the list that Mr. X sent to me that I printed.
You still got me on colosalmy bag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I got a question for you, Rob.
I've got some of this asshole here, Olympics, that we could pit people against each other
right now if you want to.
Or do you want to wait and come up?
Well, if you got some, yeah, I got some.
Did you notice how I sent you a list of two different names?
Yeah, my list and your list.
And then the one I sent you earlier?
Uh-huh.
Well, that's because I found it a little back in my notebook and I don't know why I wrote
it so back there.
Oh, OK.
That's why I sent you the one yesterday and then I sent you the one today.
OK.
Yeah.
Now I'm looking for, oh, there it is.
Well, you know what?
We can get into that one later, OK?
I don't know, what do you think?
Do you want to do the asshole here Olympics this time around?
Or do you want to kind of like figure out who to pit them against each other?
Because that's a big part of it.
You have a lot more to pin up than me.
OK.
Well, hey, hey, how about this?
OK.
We have three toss-ups.
How about we settle them?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, let's settle the toss-ups right now.
OK, OK.
Well, here, let's get my toss-up out of the way.
OK.
It was my dad's idea.
OK.
It was Madonna versus Sidney Lauper, and it was pitting on which one had the armpit hair.
Who had the armpit hair?
I was thinking it was Sidney Lauper.
It was Madonna.
They had the armpit hair.
I had to find out.
I looked it up.
No, Madonna had the armpit hair.
Yes, and that's my pick.
OK.
OK, well, Madonna got that one.
OK.
All right, what were the other two that were toss-ups?
OK, you also brought up Julianna Margolis.
Margolis.
Julianna Margolis.
Yeah, versus Carrie Underwood.
Margolis, I believe.
Was she like Israel Jewish?
I think so.
Carrie Underwood's blonde.
I'm going to go with Margolis, I guess.
You?
Julianna's got my vote.
OK, all right, then Julianna won.
And our final toss-up, and it was you that was all over the place on this one.
OK, well, I believe that.
And it was one of your picks.
OK.
Robert De Niro versus Brad Pitt.
Oh.
Do you have a definite?
I do, yeah.
OK, who is it?
I'm sticking with my original pick, Robert De Niro.
You went to nudging to Brad Pitt, and I don't know why.
I heard the people that knew him, or supposedly knew him, I have no way of telling if they
did grow up with him or not.
OK, yeah, you did go into that.
Yeah, they said he was very unclean.
I don't know that for sure.
I have no way of proving that.
But if that's true, then I would go with him with asshole hair because he wouldn't care.
And Robert De Niro, well, I don't know, Robert De Niro is pretty old now, so maybe he would
have more.
You know what?
I'm changing my vote.
Robert De Niro, he's Italian, so he's probably going to have hairy ass anyhow.
And he's old, so he doesn't give a shit.
If it fucking runs out of his underwear or whatever, he doesn't care.
So you know what, Rob, I am with you now.
Robert De Niro wins that one.
Good, because we got a couple of matchups for him coming up.
I'm looking at him.
I'm looking to it.
I got an idea.
Yeah.
You take my list and match the two up, and I take your list and match the two up.
What do you think?
I don't know about that, man.
Do you want to stick with yours and match them up?
Well, I have one, two, three, four, five, six.
Okay, you know what?
No, no, no, no, no.
Here's what I'll do is I'll write out a whole other list all together with all the names
on it, and then let's do a matchup show where we match up who should match up against who
else, and then we'll do the final show where the two pit against each other, and then we'll
do the next show where the two pitted against each other, and then until we run out to the
final four, and then the final, the Elite Eight, the final four, you know, the Sweet
Sixteen, the Elite Eight, the final four, and then the championship game, which would
be the championship of the Ass Error Olympics.
That sound good?
You know I will follow your lead.
All right, then that's what we'll do.
I'm going to go over both lists when I get a chance, and we'll start pitting people up
against, or we'll do a show about who we pit up against who, and then after that we'll
do a show where they pit up against each other, and we're actually having an asshole hair
off Olympics, and then we'll just keep, you know, keep going until we go to the final
two.
Because I'm seeing some good matchups off your list.
Okay.
Well, name one of them, just one of them.
Oh, well let's see here.
Here, let's go with an easy one.
Okay.
There's two athletes, Derek Carr and Martha Smariota.
Hmm.
She and stuff like that.
I'm not going with Derek Carr over Mar- you know what?
That's a great-
Sorry?
Yeah, I'm saving it.
I'm saving it.
So.
Okay.
All right.
Um, hang on we'll be-
But, but, but we have one.
One what?
No, actually, actually, I figured out who to call that one up with.
Never mind.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
Okay, hang on a minute Rob.
We will be back.
With a millennial would you rather, I found on the internet they asked millennials, would
you rather this or that?
And it's pretty interesting what they picked and the questions that they asked.
So we'll be back actually in a little better.
It'll probably be a whole other podcast so I'm probably just full of shit on this.
So, uh, whenever you hear this, wait a couple of days for the next one to come out.
It'll be on there probably.
So.
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Hey, where did everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my god, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Ugh, I'm glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man that smells.