Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River,
it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors, and horrible pranks?
What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
Two Douchebags and a Microphone, pasteurized for your protection.
Now we go to the amazing Mark the Palm Reader.
Hello everybody and welcome to Mark the Amazing Palm Reader.
First in line, please step up.
Let's see young lady, I see a long lifeline.
I see success, happiness, love, fortune.
I also see a bit index finger.
Twenty dollars please.
Hi everybody, this is Two Douchebags and Microphone. I am Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alrighty. Cool. Well, alright. So what's been going on with you Rob Rad?
Oh, just working like normal. And preparing for the show.
Alright, good, good. You're sounding great there. You really do. You're booming today.
Well, if you remember right here while back, I had a pair of ear pods.
And right before we were starting the show, I got up to get a glass of tea and my ear pod fell in the glass of tea.
I do remember that.
Yes.
Well, it killed that one. So I was operating on the other one.
Well, as I was talking to people on the phone, they started telling me that that one was giving out on me.
So I went back to my wired ones.
Well, I happened to make it to Walmart today and I got me a new upstreated pair.
Excellent.
I hope they're working good.
Well, you know, we appreciate that here on Two Douchebags and Microphone.
And I know you're a part of it, but we appreciate that here because that makes us sound that much better.
And you sound great whenever your voice is booming like that. You sound fantastic.
Good, good.
Yeah, good. You're coming through clear. It sounds really good. And it's going to show in the podcast.
These have a lot of noise reduction so I can't hear much around me.
That's good.
So I'm hoping you're not going to hear much around me over the microphone.
Well, that's part of the deal. No, that's part of the deal that's going on is I can't hear anything else.
So therefore I hear you much better. And that's why I meant by your voice booming.
It's booming through the Bluetooth perfectly. So good.
Well, it's pretty quiet here.
Okay. Well, coming up in the program, we have...I have personally the Asshole Hair Olympics again because we can't let that go.
Yeah, I'm waiting.
And then I have a list of fast food restaurant chains that flop during testing.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah. We...this is the guy from the fast food industry. It's like Mr. Z of the Douche Flavors.
This is Mr. Z of the fast food industry. And he sent me this email and said, hey, quick download this and it's going to disappear in 10 minutes.
I get on there and I download it and I got it right here.
So these are fast food restaurants that flop during testing.
So we'll get to...we'll read them off and we'll get to decide why they flopped or whether they should be one at every corner.
So...
Are you going to that right now or can I break it?
No, no, no. That's what I was going to ask. Do you have something you want to chime in with or go ahead?
Yes. Like I said, before we come on here, I was doing some homework.
All right.
And do you know the name Donnie Baker?
Yeah, yeah. He is a comedian.
From the Bob and Tom Show.
Yeah, I understand. He had some problems here recently.
His name was Ron Sexton.
Okay. I think I knew that. I don't know for sure.
I'm just going to read you the first paragraph. I have it pulled up right here.
Well, did you see the article where he was like messing around with somebody's wife and I think they like beat the hell out of him or something.
Okay.
I think that's what...
Well, he passed away.
Oh, he died? Oh.
He passed away.
Oh, man. What's Bob and Tom going to do for five hours?
While staying in a motel in Dayton, Ohio.
Wow. I didn't know that.
Yeah.
When did this happen?
Well, this came out five hours ago.
Okay. Then it just happened.
Yeah.
Well, I wonder what happened because I think... I'm not for sure. I think he had some problems with somebody's ex or soon-to-be ex or current...
I don't know. I just wanted to make sure to...
You know what? I'm not sure.
...get that across it.
Let me pull it like this. I'm not sure about that. I remember reading something about that or hearing it on the radio or something like he was having some problems with... I don't know. You know what? Look it up. See what you can find about it if you're that curious about it. But I thought it was something like that. But wow. Does it say what they think happened?
Okay. Well, okay. I'm reading further into it here.
Okay.
Yeah. In 2022, he was shot in Indianapolis while in his car. Four of the investigators are shooting what's his lover at against the spouse of a lady with whom Ron Sexton was rumored to have been having an affair.
That's what I thought it was.
Okay.
And maybe it might have something...
You know what? Hey, man. The guy was great. He was funny.
Yeah.
And, you know, whatever happened on that whole deal, I wasn't there, so I don't know. So all I got to say is, hey, RIP, Donnie Baker. God bless you. I hope you have a wonderful time in the afterlife. And you did your mark on this world by making people laugh. And that's one of the best things you can do.
He helped open the gate for people like us.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean...
Just being on the Bob and Tom show.
There's a lot of characters that were tempered after him. You can just look and you can make your own mind up about what the characters that came after him that was actually, I thought he was the template for. You know, the kind of like the party guy with the mullet and the, whoo-hoo, hey, yeah.
You know...
That's the picture I was just looking at. Yeah.
Yes. He actually, in my opinion, started a lot of that, what would you call it, redneck hippie or something or something like that. He started kind of an attitude type of deal.
Yeah.
It's not Larry the Cable Guy and it's not... it's kind of a hybrid of a Zubass wearing guy with mullet guy with a little bit of country. I mean, you know...
And everybody knew a guy like that growing up. The character was actually quite brilliant in my mind. So, anyhow, well, Donnie Baker or what was his real name, Sexton?
Ron Sexton.
Alright, Ron Sexton. You'll live forever in your comedy. Rest in peace.
Well, thank you. Well, what a surprise.
Age of 52, by the way.
I didn't think he was that old. Yeah, wow. Well, I'll have to listen to good old B&T Monday morning and see what they have to say about it.
Yeah.
Yeah. Alright, well, that blows. So, alright. You have anything else you want to go into or you want me to start?
I'm going to go ahead.
Well, first, the first story I'd like to get to and then we can get to some of the haha stuff here in a little bit. But Netflix recorded a second quarter 2023 earnings Wednesday revealing paid subscribers increased by 5.89 million in the quarter that ended June 30th.
Analysts had projected the streamer gain in only 1.7 million new subscribers in Q2, the period in which Netflix began notifying customers in the US and other countries that users on their accounts who live outside their households would need to be added as an extra member or pay their own subscriptions.
Netflix smashed Walmart's expectations by instead raising rising to 238 39 million global subscribers in Q2 compared to its 2.32 2.5 million total in Q1 that growth marks an 8% year over year increase in subs.
So, I heard every here's here's what I thought was odd.
I know a lot of the next Netflix subscribers including myself.
I enjoy a lot of what they're doing.
I like I said before, to toe for it. I'm not sure if I said to you.
They, to me, are one of the true forms of journal journalism if I can speak that's left because they are a paid subscription, and they can go to these big corporations and do pieces on them and not worry about not getting advertisers blocked.
And so I enjoy Netflix quite a bit, but the whole thing I was getting is, is everybody said they were leaving Netflix, but they did not.
Everybody said, no, that's it. I'm done with them. I'm sick of their shit. They're constantly raising stuff.
The programming isn't as good. Blah, blah, all this and that.
But everybody ran out and added one or something. Something had to happen because they gained a lot of fucking listeners and a lot of money.
So, Netflix, bravo.
Got to give you kudos. You know what to do.
Actually, I'm thinking about signing up for myself.
Well, I'll tell you what, there are...
Even though I don't watch much TV because I'm too busy listening to music these days.
Yeah, I'm into music and podcasts too.
The only TV that I watch is if I see something on Netflix or Amazon or something that interests me, I'll go watch it.
Lately, actually over last year and a half, actually it's been a lot more since I moved my mom in.
We moved my mom in last year. I've been watching The Price is Right and The Wheel of Fortune a lot more because she enjoys those shows.
And to me, it's just good entertainment.
I mean, she watches the game show Network constantly and watches the old Password 76s and Match Games and all that.
Yeah, my mom watches a lot of me TV.
Yeah, yeah. And the same with my mom.
You know, it's that older genre of shows. But I gotta admit, I think I enjoy Netflix and game shows more than anything anymore
because most TV just doesn't do anything for me. I just don't think it's that good.
I think it's just appeasing a base that's easy to appease.
Yes.
So, anyhow.
So, yeah, Netflix did something that everybody raised their fists about, their tiny fists, and yelled and said,
That's it. You did it. You pushed us to the line.
No, they didn't. No, they didn't.
No, they're doing better than ever. So, congratulations, Netflix.
So, pretty interesting stuff.
Yeah.
I'll save the asshole Olympics for later on in the broadcast.
Yeah, yeah.
The next story I want to go into is this Vegas flight. Did you hear about it?
No, I don't know.
This flight that was leaving Vegas, and let's see, where was it going to?
A flight to Atlanta from Las Vegas from Harry Reid International Airport,
sat in the tarmac for four hours with no air conditioning, 115 degrees outside.
Damn.
Yeah, the US Department of Transportation said Thursday that it was investigating why passengers on a Delta airline flight
had been left to swelter for hours in triple-digit temperatures while the plane waited on the tarmac at Las Vegas Airport on Monday.
The flight DL555 to Atlanta was supposed to take off from Harry Reid International Airport on Monday,
but instead sat on the tarmac where the extreme heat sickened passengers,
causing some of them to faint according to reports posted by social media by those on board.
The ordeal lasted nearly three hours with paramedics boarding the plane to wheel out three people who had fallen ill.
Krista Garvin, a passenger and a producer for Fox News, wrote on Twitter this right here.
Delta, what an insane experience.
First we were delayed because you did not have a flight attendant,
then we finally board and sit for almost three hours on a hot plane in 111 degrees weather.
Now we're heading back to the gate because people are passing out.
We are now being told that this flight will be canceled and there's not going to be another one going out today.
They kept everybody on the tarmac for over three hours,
and they told people before they left, according to another article that I read,
that if you got off you were going to lose your trip to Atlanta and there was not another one going out that day.
So you were pretty much forced to sit on that fucking squeltering hot plane if you wanted to go to Atlanta and not wait an extra day.
And there's like people like that were probably catching a connecting flight and they're like going wherever.
Let's say they're from Florida or I don't know, Alabama.
So they catch a connecting flight in Atlanta and let's say they have to be to work the next day,
or they got to attend their, I don't know, their sister's operation or something.
They have something very important coming up the next day,
and they're getting threatened pretty much the way it sounds to me if this is true what I'm reading.
They're getting threatened like you're not going to leave Las Vegas today if you get off this plane.
So you're sitting there for three hours with no air conditioning.
Number one I'd like to know, are they able to air condition a plane?
Was this like a fuel thing? They didn't want to burn that much fuel?
Is that what it is?
Or could they not properly air condition a plane when it's not moving?
I would like to know these things because if it was a fuel issue and they're doing it to save money,
then I'm going to be furious at Delta and I'm already not happy with them.
I used to think at Delta, well I think Delta still generally is one of the better airlines,
and this is not far the norm from what I hear from Deltas.
Not like Southwest or Spirit or something like that.
In my opinion both of those airlines aren't worth two cans of shit right now.
So I don't know. But this is very disappointing that this happened.
And I can't believe that they would tell passengers if this is true that you're not getting out of here
unless you go on this flight today, making people stay on that airline, on that flight.
Yeah.
So yeah, that's pretty interesting.
So anyhow, well alright, I had that one bummer thing, so how about it?
Yeah, go ahead.
You know how you've been bashing on Chris Jones?
Yes.
Okay. Well this is a report on the combat three hours ago.
Okay.
I'm just going to read two quick little paragraphs just to fill you in.
Look, I love Chris Jones. I just think that he needs to give a little like Mixon has.
I do too, but listen to this.
Okay.
Star defensive tackle Chris Jones failed to report to training camp with the rest of the team's veteran players
according to ESPN's NFL insider Adam Shep Jones also skipped the team's mandatory mini camp
as he's trying to leverage a new long-term contract with the team.
Okay. Well if you're going to skip this step, how are you gaining with the team?
No, I know. It sets a very bad precedent and I personally, look I love Chris Jones, but maybe it's time to part ways.
Okay, I'm starting to see where you've been coming from this whole time.
I don't like it.
I really am.
Because if anyone has a legitimate beef about the money they're getting, it should be my homes, right?
Yeah.
You don't see him whining and bitching and going to the media and fucking crying about it?
You know, we got rid of one sore spot and that was Tyreek Hill and we did better.
And nobody thought we was going to do better. Nobody thought.
But you told them to keep money.
Yes. But look what happened after we got rid of Hill. We became better. So who knows? Who knows?
You know what, maybe Chris Jones and some of that spirit about bitching about the company and fucking yiping
and saying, I deserve my money and all that stuff. Maybe we don't need that.
So anyhow, he's got one more year. Fucking play it. Prove what you can do and then maybe we'll talk I guess, right?
But I don't think you hold the Chiefs hostage. I don't think anyone except my homes and maybe Kelsey right now
has that kind of clout to where they could hold the Chiefs hostage.
Everyone else is expendable on this team because you have number 15 and then to a certain degree you have number 87.
But as long as you got number 15, you ain't holding shit on this team. So anyhow.
Yeah, because he's proven he can make contact with anybody.
Yes. So.
He's proven that.
You know what, we won with defenses that gave up 35 points and 31 points in both Super Bowls.
Wasn't it 31 points?
Yeah, something like that. Yeah.
Yeah. So, you know, we won this last Super Bowl and they scored 35 points.
So I don't know, Chris Jones, you tell me what happened there.
How many times you have Jalen Hurts on his back in that game?
I think a resounding zero might be the answer.
Yeah.
So, I know he played well in the playoffs, yes, and he is, he's a great player.
Yes, but to do this and to, I don't like it. I don't think it's a team first attitude.
And I think that kind of spirit can hurt a team.
And I don't know, you know, maybe it's time to read.
It's good old greed.
Yes.
Good old greed.
Here's what I'm thinking is maybe there's a cheaper option where you get two or three almost Chris Jones's.
You know what, I know this.
I'm sure they're out there.
Andy Reed and Brett Veach and Mahomes and everybody deserve our,
they deserve our, what would you say it, our trust.
I trust that they will figure out the best in this situation and execute it.
So, you know what, they have that job and I'm glad they have that job and they'll figure it out.
They brought the cheese out of the gutter, we'll say, to where they are now.
Yes.
Yeah, they brought us out of the Brody Croyles and the Mack Castles and the,
insert every other ass bag in there that you want to.
What was it, Quinn, Quinn, something like that.
Brady Quinn, all those fucks.
Oh, that guy Orton, was it Kyle Orton?
Oh well, anyhow.
Yeah.
So, all right, going on a lighter note, I obtained this note from Mr. X of the fast food industry.
Okay.
All right.
And he sent me a list of fast food restaurants that flopped during testing.
And this is where we can break it down and figure out why it flopped, okay.
This should be interesting.
It should be.
The first one that he put on the list was Waffle Garden.
Yeah.
So, I guess it's like going to be like Olive Garden only waffles.
So, they come out with big bowls of waffles and like big things of syrup that you can pour all over them.
You get a waffle salad.
Yeah, Waffle Garden.
Yeah, so they tested it on the Northeast, what I understand, right.
And it didn't do so well.
I mean, I'm flabbergasted.
Doesn't that sound great?
It tastes good like that.
Yeah, waffles and, and, uh, foilage.
Mmm.
Yeah.
You want to try it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, or if you prefer ranch, I guess you could throw some ranch on there, you know.
Put your waffles right next to your salad.
You know, let the ranch touch the waffles.
Who cares, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, what could hurt?
A little ranch on a waffle.
Who gives a shit, right?
Even Russian, you know, that red stuff.
You can have a little of that, hit your waffle, it'll be okay.
Be alright.
I'm a thousand island fan.
Okay, you can have a little thousand island, touch that.
Yeah, yeah.
They'll put it on Big Macs.
It goes good with everything.
Yeah, they put it on Big Macs, so how bad can it be?
Yeah, that's what I was getting ready to say.
They put up Big Macs, even.
If they put it on Big Macs, it's got to be good, right?
A. A. McDonald's.
Yeah, yeah.
The next one I find this fascinating, I can't believe it did not work.
Pizzatini.
So they make martinis out of pizza.
Oh damn, that sounds good.
Yeah.
Can you believe that flopped?
No, I can't.
I mean, you know, I mean even anchovies, you know.
You got your pizzatini there in your little glass.
They come over and go out.
No, you can leave out the anchovies.
I ate anchovies, too.
I'm just saying that for effect.
So they come over and go.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Excuse me, sir.
Here's our list of pizzatini.
What would you like next?
Hmm, let's see.
And maybe the buffalo.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
What is this one?
This one is an anchovy and let's see.
Oh, some caper cola, some spicy sauce.
Okay.
You know what?
I think I'm going to go with this number, too.
With the anchovies and caper cola and some spicy sauce on it.
And then maybe I'll lead my way into a buffalo ranch.
And who knows?
I mean, you know, they even do Burn-In Pizza up here.
Minsky's does.
And they do the Z-Man Pizza, which is a famous sandwich that Joe's Kansas City Barbecue does.
And they come out with those periodically.
So yeah, yeah, this will work.
So anyhow, the next one.
Are you ready for it?
Yes.
Weiner barn.
Weiner barn did not work.
I mean, what's better than a weiner in a barn, right?
Go in there.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like a big barn and it's nothing but wieners.
And go in there, you know, grab three or four wieners, put it on a plate, grab some relish.
You know, you can have like a Chicago style wiener, a New York style.
You know, you can do like a little crisscrossing, you know, even have a barbecue wiener if you want.
You know, you can, you know, hell, anything but kale, right?
Sky's the limit with wieners, right?
What the hell is kale doing there?
I said anything but kale.
Yeah, but why do you mention it?
No, no kale, no kale.
No kale at Weiner, at Weiner barn.
That's what I'm saying.
You can put anything on there, sauerkraut, whatever.
No kale.
So I'm just making sure.
But anyhow, it doesn't matter.
Wiener barn's not going to happen now because the powers of B dropped the, they dropped the stick on this one.
It's that simple, man.
They just dropped it.
They should have, there should be wiener barns at every fucking corner, right?
Right.
You look to the left, there's McDonald's.
You look to the right, there should be a wiener barn.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm very disappointed, guys.
Very disappointed.
We need a wiener barn and we need it at every corner.
And just so you know, we're going to be a little jumpy just at the main kale right now because of those things.
We're still sore about what they did to Topher.
We want revenge.
Yeah.
You know, Topher's fine.
I saw him.
He's physically fine, but we're pissed.
They took ours.
Yeah, we're working on that.
We're getting out of our revenge.
Yes.
So the main thing is, Topher's bleached his hand numerous times.
The thing is, I'm thinking psychologically, it really messed with him.
He's bleaching his hand quite a bit because his hand actually touched kale.
It would anybody.
When he told me this story in person, I cried.
He had a tough time getting it out.
He was like, I got something to tell you, Mark.
And I'm like, what?
He goes, man, he goes, they had me tied up and they had me touch kale.
I was like, oh my God.
I'm so sorry, Topher.
Yeah.
You know what?
I always send him a card.
I went ahead and signed your name to it, but if you want to go ahead and send another card, do it.
You know?
Yeah.
On every card, I put death to kale.
Always.
Yeah.
So anyhow, yeah.
So Wiener barn should be everywhere.
We're thoroughly pissed and just not happy that there is not a Wiener barn at every corner.
So.
No, we need Wieners.
Yeah.
Everyone needs Wieners at every corner in a barn.
So.
All right.
Next one.
Okay.
No, go ahead.
No, no, it's a different subject.
Oh, speaking of Wieners, has Gonza sent you anything here recently?
Oh, oh, you will.
Let's finish this subject and we'll go into that one.
No, I don't have an update.
Okay.
There's a Gonza update.
Let's finish this subject and we'll never finish, man.
Okay.
The next one, burger closet.
You know, I mean, who, burgers have a little closet.
I think that's a great idea.
Got a guy there.
Hey, may I help you?
Yeah, I'll take a number five and a Coke.
Yeah.
I thought burger closet was a great idea, but no.
Honestly, some of the best burgers I have ever ate have come out of small on the road joints.
Town Topic, most famously around Kansas City.
Yes, yes, Town Topic.
Yes, there's other places too.
But you go around to different towns.
There's a place down in Bolliver, Missouri.
Oh my God.
I mean, it's just a cafe in town.
You go around to different cafes.
It's a similar bestie.
Oh, Swoaps.
There it is.
Swoaps in Rich Hill.
Have you been there?
Where?
Swoaps, drive-in in Rich Hill.
No.
The White Grill in Nevada.
Yes, I've been there.
Yeah, I mean, all of them.
Fantastic burgers.
Over in Fort Scott, Kansas, just across from...
Oh, go ahead.
There is a place called the New Grill.
Yes, yeah.
They are excellent.
I love them.
Awesome.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah, like you said, the place in Bolliver.
There's one in Stockton.
There's one in Clinton.
Little burger joints are the best place.
Yeah.
Clinton, Missouri, there's a little white shack.
And they have a lot of dairy stuff there too.
They have a lot of ice cream stuff.
I think they might have been at Tasty Freeze back in the day.
Yes, I know what you're talking about.
I don't really know about that.
They get the best tomatoes.
I think they're homegrown around there somewhere.
And the onions are sweet.
Oh, man.
Oh, yeah.
And that grill had been around since the 40s.
So, anyhow, it has all that seasoning in it.
Yeah, I've traveled through there many, many years up and down that rock.
Yeah, yeah, that's good eating there.
As a matter of fact, I would like to do a tour of that.
And you might film it and YouTube it or something if you wanted to.
But if not, just personally do it.
Go around and check out all these little shacks and check out the burgers there.
Yeah, that's good eating.
That is an idea right there.
And I know quite a few in Mountain Kansas, too.
So, anyhow, so next moving on here, salad hatch.
What?
Salad hatch.
I don't know what to think of it.
I mean, is it a hatchback car?
Is it like a little hatch that you serve the salads out of?
Or do they walk in and there's salad in a hatch looking thing and people just grab tongs and grab the salad, throw it on a plate and go?
Yeah, so you just threw me totally off on that one.
That's what it was meant to do.
I don't know what way to go about it.
That was one of the ones that were meant to be so odd that you don't laugh.
You just go, salad hatch?
Why?
In case you haven't noticed, I like to throw little shit like that in there.
The head turner.
The RCA Victor for a second and go, huh?
Salad hatch?
So, anyhow, next one.
Fish sticks on a stick.
Did not do well.
Cannot believe it.
Fish sticks on a stick, man.
Grab your stick with a fish stick on it and just start chewing around it.
Life could not be better.
I can understand the concept, but once you've got that popsicle stick in, heck with the stick, there wouldn't be much fish left.
I can see it right now.
Rob, you and I sitting on a giant rock.
It's a good concept.
Here, here, let me pose this to you.
Truman Lake near Ksinger Bluff, right?
Okay?
There's huge rocks down there at the bottom.
You and me with nothing but booty shorts on, sitting on those rocks with wind running through our hair eating fish sticks on a stick.
That could be their promo.
Two douchebags in a microphone love fish sticks on a stick.
And we could even do something like do like a little ass up eating our fish sticks.
Don't you think?
I love the idea.
What could possibly go wrong with that, Rob?
I know.
We're going to get into that in a minute.
I just got a few more and then we get to Rob's story.
I can't believe, anyhow.
Okay.
The next one, I really love this idea.
The whisker biscuit.
You know, you can't see we have the big biscuit.
This is the whisker biscuit.
I know it's code for something else.
So I don't know.
You know, is that what it is?
Or is it actually a hairy biscuit that you get?
I don't know.
I don't want to go in and find out.
And if it is a whisker biscuit, who the hell is it attached to?
So are they replicas?
I don't know.
Anyhow, it didn't work so there's not going to be a whisker biscuit in every corner.
I'm sorry, guys.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Hey, look, I don't make the rules.
I just follow them like you guys.
Okay?
So, the next one.
I'm sorry I laughed all the way through that one.
It's okay.
It's alright.
That was just a word.
The next one.
Head cheese queen.
There's Daring Queen, right?
Well, head cheese.
Oh, yeah.
What could go wrong with that?
No?
Okay.
Alright.
You know what?
I got to...
Hang on.
Let me mark this so I can put in the Price is Right losing sound right after that.
Because that's the sound you made without saying anything, Rob.
You made that sound without saying a word.
That's what that was.
And you didn't have to say it.
I heard it.
This next one.
Now, don't get...
Now, this next one.
Don't get angry.
Kale and More.
Well, it didn't work.
It didn't go.
There's not going to be one in every corner.
Yes.
So...
We must be reaching out to people.
Thank you, Lord.
Yes.
It did not do well at all in testing.
So...
We are true kale activists.
Yes.
Against them.
Against kale.
Yes.
And then the next one and the final one that failed.
Sardine World.
Yes, I think I thought that one too.
Well, yes.
People aren't that crazy about sardines, I guess.
That goes for the anchovies.
Yes.
They are about the same thing.
Yes.
So, Sardine World flopped too.
So, I don't know what to say.
I'm just as disappointed as the next guy.
But you will not have a Sardine World next to a McDonald's
Burger King in every corner.
Or a Wendy's.
Or whatever.
Or a Scronic.
So...
Anyhow, that is the list that we got from Mr. Z from the fast food side.
That's funny.
You still call it Scronic like I do.
Everybody does.
Because I'll tell you what.
You are at the mercy of these drug addicts that they have to find to work there.
Yes.
Or at least it seems like it.
I know not all of them are drug addicts, but I'll tell you what.
I've seen some people walking out of there and I'm like,
I cannot believe I just ate a cheeseburger that that guy flipped.
Sorry, not sorry.
I have to admit, the Scronic down here in Campton is actually pretty decent.
If you get a good Sonic, it's good food.
But you get a bad one like a...
It does stay away from the one it built my hometown.
Aha.
Yeah.
Yes, yes, yes.
You've heard about it too?
I witnessed it.
Oh, you did?
Just trying to get a cherry limeade.
Yeah.
I think I would have to agree with you on that.
Allegedly.
Yeah.
Allegedly.
I don't know.
I was just told about it.
But that's the Sonic I grew up going to.
I was just trying to get a cherry limeade and it didn't go over very well.
I'll just leave it at that.
Yeah, I'll just leave it at that.
Yeah, I could see why someone could discourage people from going in there.
That's why I'm here.
Yeah.
Yep.
Anyhow, you seem to...
Hang on, let's take a little break here and we're going to come back with Rob's story about
Ganja, his fan.
We'll be back right after this.
Two monkey fuckers and a toaster will be right back.
Continuing our quest here at Two Douchebags in a Microphone to be constantly funny.
Once again, we offer you strange insults from an alien.
When you all see it from your computer, your head goes so attached.
Two Douchebags in a Microphone, the number one show for people that lie about their favorite podcast.
As pleasant as 50 grit sandpaper to your inner thighs.
Okay, sorry I have to shush you on that.
Okay, the reason is I need these breaks in the voice patterns so I can find these to cut the audio in two
and to insert different things that we put in there.
Like Satan telling you he burned a bunch of souls listening to us.
And the amazing Mark the poem reader and all this shit.
The voice guy telling you how to smell us at the city market.
And the Amber Heard alert and all that good shit.
So, or strange insults from an alien or the island of horrible jokes, which I'm a big fan of.
I like them both.
And then all the other ones, the ones that tell you that we're pasteurized for your protection
or we're as much fun as a can opener to the scrotum and all that.
I like that one.
But that's why I said, you know, whenever I break us off like that, just don't say anything
because I need that gap there.
Because if not, you know what, I'll show you everything and how it works when you and I meet up in person.
So you'll see what I mean, why it's important to do that.
But anyhow, Ganja, your biggest fan, got a hold of you and did what?
Oh, not me. Me and him are good.
OK.
But I have another update.
OK.
I got another picture.
From Eric in Oceanside, California.
I'm sorry, Rob.
Yep. Yep. Yep.
Eric, thank you.
Is it Ass Up Face?
Exactly.
You guys are awesome. I love you guys. Thank you.
They have to have listened.
Yeah, you cannot make this up.
We, for some reason, have quite a... we have a hell of a fan base.
I'll send you the pictures if you want me to.
The hits that we get from certain areas are unreal.
Like the people who found out about us and started taking a note in us and listening to us
can't seem to put the program down, which is awesome.
I mean, I'm really overwhelmed by the response by areas.
And like I said, we went over them all.
And we'll do it again in another few months, do a State of the Douchebags podcast.
Yeah, see where we're at.
Yeah, I mean, pretty much the same areas that I've been talking about.
And California's become a hotbed here, too.
But it's like it's spread out all over.
In California, it's not SoCal or NoCal or MiddleCal.
It's all over the place.
People out there seem to really enjoy the program.
So this Eric guy from Oceanside...
Eric comes from Oceanside.
Excellent. Thank you, Eric.
Thank you, Eric.
Yes, you're a good man for sending Rob the asshole pictures. That's great.
And that'd be great to get into the hairy asshole Olympics here in a minute.
But anything else you want to say about it?
Oh, that's going to be fun.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, this is the Olympics. This is the big boys now.
So this is like we're going to have one definite winner.
I'm going to have my class. You're going to have your class.
And then they're going to fight to the death.
And then only one victor will live.
And I guess we've got to have a silver and a bronze.
So three people will be victorious.
And everyone else will not survive the asshole Olympics.
So...
Okay. Well, we need to talk about this.
Okay. You know what? First, let's go into your acoustical.
Okay? And then we'll go to the asshole Olympics here in a little bit.
Oh, you want to go there?
Yes, if you're ready to.
Well, why don't you flap that shit out on the table and go forth?
It's out.
You want to make the introduction.
All right. Without any further ado, Rob is flopping it on the table.
Oh, my God. Look at that.
Whoo! That's a doozy.
Rob and his acoustical top.
How many did you come up with?
I came up with seven. It was supposed to be five.
That's fine.
You mentioned you might go up to eight.
I think I'm going to do 30. I'm going to be a dick.
Honestly, I could have. I very well could have.
All right. Let's go with a seven and I'll narrow mine down to a seven, okay?
Okay. My number says...
I'm going to copy yours and only do them backwards.
I took from you last week.
Okay.
You turned me over now by Allison James.
That is a fucking fantastic song.
I listened to it. Unfortunately, my top five was already filled.
You made number seven.
That might be my number one. I'm not for sure yet.
I'll tell you what. That song is crafted just magnificently.
Oh, dude. I'm all over the map here.
I used to do that song when the Chiefs were losing the Super Bowl, not at the Super Bowl,
in the playoffs when we didn't have the homes, but we had Alex Smith or whoever, Matt Castle or whatever.
We'd lose in the playoffs constantly to Peyton Manning and people like that.
I'd always go to the internet and put, it's over now and not say anything.
It used to piss people off because the song starts off, well, it's over now.
People got it. So anyhow, but go ahead.
Okay. Well, my number six, which was my number one word of mention.
Saved Today by Seether.
I think I know what song you're talking about.
It is.
It is. Rob, that is solid, solid.
Trust me. I've been listening to a lot of music, man.
Okay. That is well received over here, Rob.
Wait, wait, wait, wait till we go deeper.
Okay. All right.
Into other subjects.
Okay.
Okay. Number five.
The actual pop five.
Okay.
Those two, seven bridges were by the Eagles.
Wow.
Because I was.
Robbo.
Because.
Okay, here real quick. Let me say this.
Because music was making a transition from the 50s and 50s where there was a lot of acoustic.
Yes.
Into electric.
I believe seven bridges road helped transition that over.
Because the more I listen to the music, the more artistic I hear in it.
They were one. Yes, absolutely.
And seven bridges road is just an awesome song.
Think of the lineup that they had on there.
I mean, through the people, whether they were all there at one time or not, I can't even remember.
You had Joe Walsh. You had Vince Gill. You had Don Henley.
Glenn Fry.
You had, oh, heavy metal soundtrack guy.
Don Felger.
Yes.
There's more.
The lineup of those people in the Eagles, whether they all did it at once or not, I know one replaced another and all that stuff.
But just look at the talent surrounding that band.
And one of the greatest albums, in my opinion, ever made was Hotel California, specifically the song Hotel California.
Yes.
The song Hotel California.
Don Henley, you can hear the concern in his voice when he sings.
It's insane the way he sings.
I mean, he's like singing to almost like live, trying to get out of this place that he's talking about.
Whether he's talking about the First Church of Satan or wherever he's talking about, he is concerned, he got himself in somewhere that he's not sure if he's going to get himself out.
And it comes through the speakers exactly like that. And it's brilliant. And the music behind it is brilliant.
And that song almost took this place. That song almost took my nose.
I see why you went with that.
But I went with Seven Bridges.
I see why you went with Seven Bridges because it kind of illustrates what you're saying.
Just a little bit more precisely than Hotel California.
And also another thing is Hotel California should be, maybe should be on the list, in my opinion.
But the thing is, you didn't go the easy route. You didn't take the safe route.
You took the route that you really felt should have been taken. And bravo. Great.
This is why I wanted to do the list, Rob. Perfect.
Yeah, just wait.
Okay.
Okay. Are you ready for number four?
Yes.
Okay. Like I said, Mark, I have always been into the stuff we always listen to.
Thanks to this podcast, I'm listening to new music.
Good.
I have mentioned Zach Wilde.
Uh-huh. Listen, art spawns art.
My number four is Zach Wilde between Heaven and Hell.
All I can say is just listen to it.
Okay. I will. I believe I do know the song.
It is. It's amazing. Zach Wilde is amazing on acoustic.
I will state this again. I've stated it before.
If you don't think that Zach Wilde is one of the best guitarists ever,
you simply have not listened to him well enough.
That guy is insanely good in everything that he does.
Whether it's gimmick-like or actual feeling of music or the actual writing of the music,
everything is spot on because that guy really believes and throws it out there like he should.
So, Nuno Bettencourt is another one. We actually have two.
We actually have two of the best musicians ever on guitar at the same time.
We have three, but Eddie died. So, Nuno Bettencourt and Zach Wilde.
So, anyhow, go ahead.
Oh, I was just going to say, yeah, he is amazing. He really is.
Yes, would agree.
Number three, Patience by Guns N' Roses.
Solid, solid, solid.
Because when that song came out, it changed the face of music again.
Guns N' Roses changed the face of music because we all were wearing our hair up
and listening to Motley Crue and Poison and then just all the latest stuff that came up
with anyone with big boots and long hair and hair that stood up was doing.
And all of a sudden Guns N' Roses came up and said, nah.
It was right at that.
What they're missing out on me is their writing ability with Izzy Stradlin and Slash.
Izzy Stradlin and Slash had a formula down, kind of like the Stones did.
You got one guy over there kind of bumping and chirping and it made sense when it was played together,
it made sense away from each other.
And it was brilliant.
And then you had Axl who actually, I read, has like a six octave voice or something.
You'd never know it.
If that is indeed true, I'll have to look that up.
Or you know what, everybody has Google out there looking up.
So anyhow, I agree.
And it was really good because I believe it was a song to, I don't think it was Aaron Everly, his wife, his ex-wife.
I think it was to another girl.
But anyhow, very emotional.
Who knows.
Yeah, who knows.
So anyhow.
Okay, go ahead.
Okay, number two goes to Mr. Jimmy Page of Red Scepter.
I can't argue.
Yeah.
You should have known that was coming.
I was just reading an article about how Paul Stanley pretty much worships Jimmy Page.
He said, you know, me, I was a big Jimmy Page fan, but now looking back at it, I think I'm more of a Jeff Beck fan,
although I love Jimmy Page's music.
The stuff that he came up with, let me restate this.
I'm a fan of both of theirs.
And they're both groundbreaking, influential guitars.
But technically and feeling wise and everything, I think, you know what, I don't know.
Jimmy Page is awesome.
You can't go wrong with that.
Cannot go wrong with that.
So that's a solid number two.
This is the first of many Jeff Beck may come out of my mouth, too.
You never know.
Well, I've got a definite Jeff Beck song that I have in mind that might be number one.
I bet you do.
And he floored me on this song.
I mean, he floored me on a lot of stuff, but this song right here in particular, the feeling, the genre,
the genre that he did to achieve this.
Yes.
Anyhow, go ahead.
Oh, no, you just mentioned genre.
That's winning a lot of my contests I'm coming up with.
You know what, this might be my number one, but it's on the top seven is People Get Ready.
It's actually by the title is by Rod Stewart.
But Jeff Beck wrote the guitar parts.
And if you don't know the song, go get and know it.
People Get Ready, Rod Stewart.
And the thing about this is it's gospel.
It's really good gospel.
But it's acoustic.
It's electric, acoustic.
It's beautiful.
When you get a chance, Rob, your assignment is to listen to this.
And I want to report on this song and how it made you feel on the next broadcast.
Cool.
Text me the name.
I will after the program.
That way I don't have to wait for it to come out.
I might even have an ass up face first picture for you, too.
Not really.
Well, you got two ahead, have you?
Well, I mean, you might throw me an ass in the Olympics if I do that.
So I'm not going to do that.
Oh, no, you were lost.
We'll go into that in a minute.
Are you ready for my number one acoustic?
Yes, I am.
Bring forth.
OK, I mentioned this one on a podcast a while back.
OK.
There was one I caught on YouTube.
OK.
Which this version of the song you need to watch on YouTube.
OK.
It goes to stained featuring Ferris Bust from outside on the Family Values Tour 1999.
OK.
I'll tell you what.
You text me that song after the podcast and I will text you my song after the podcast.
You got it.
And I'll give you a full report and you give me a full report.
My number one acoustic goes to Aaron Lewis of Stained.
Uh-huh.
I like Aaron Lewis.
From outside.
I'm on the outside.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you watch the video, this video, it's showing the Family Values Tour concert.
That's why Fred does deserve it.
Actually, I think I might have listened to that.
I'm going to have to re-listen to it.
And you asked me about the plugged in.
Uh-huh.
His acoustic is plugged in.
No, that's fine.
I'm not acoustic.
I mean, acoustic plugged in is fine.
There's nothing wrong with it.
But when you watch his video, he plays this song in this video with so much emotion.
OK.
It's, oh my god, man.
I felt like, like I said, I missed it a little bit.
And we got to doing this and it popped up again.
I was like, that's it.
So there you go.
Very cool.
All right.
Hang on.
I got to jot down something here because this just jarred my memory about something.
I added to my list just right now.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, this is a good one.
All right.
Save it for next week.
I will.
OK.
All right.
I'm done with writing it down.
But for some reason, it's really not related at all.
It just made me think of it for some reason.
So anyway, I wrote it down and that will, that might actually enter the top three.
Yeah.
It's acoustic.
Yes.
It's electric acoustic.
OK.
Two thimble dicks and a crash cart will be right back.
You are in a constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
May your spoon always slip and sink into your hot soup.
Two douchebags and a microphone says, you ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass?
Just asking.
If you enjoy two douchebags and a microphone, you'll definitely enjoy a shovel to the head.
You know what?
Hey, thanks for joining us.
Wee, yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
Anyhow, as promised, the asshole hair Olympics.
Now, do you want to start with yours or do you want me to start with mine?
Well, first, I have a question.
OK.
We've got to write these down because this is a battle royal.
Royale this is the Olympics that okay well how many people we get a lot of
enter I have 17 people okay mark I I had today off and I went back through every
single hair ass off okay I have I have two you have one two three four five six
seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen seventeen
okay all right well I have a good good all right
cousin is definitely out yep you have brought up her cousins twice oh I have
okay and he lost both of them okay well I guess he doesn't have a hairy asshole
then does he at least I'm consistent yeah okay all right okay those that have
already been done you're too and these 17 will be in okay all right are you got
17 more I have 17 more okay I got four I got four battles okay we'll start with
your four battles and we'll go into my 17 okay I'm also making sure nobody gets
stupid okay good okay my number one tonight
and I thought of all four of these at work okay oh excuse me five oh five oh
the more the merrier father strife this is why is the man oh oh Jewish woman old
Italian woman mmm
I'm under the slight edge to Liza Minnelli that's who I had to okay all
right so I don't live lies the winds all right
okay you're a for the next one yes he will be Herman versus boy George oh I'm
gonna go with boy George
who do you pick I pick TV TV because you know why yeah he would he would yeah he
take that shit down to nothing he would be fat to sell like that
yeah all right next okay George Carlin oh yeah Sam Kenison oh I'm gonna say Sam
Kenison because I think George Carlin was really well they were both
intelligent and are both quick witted I'm gonna go with George Carlin no Sam
Kenison I think that he had long hair and was kind of scruffy and he probably
didn't give a shit if he had ass hair hanging out everywhere I think George
Carlin would have kept that trim down and mowed down good okay well see I was
thinking George Carlin because he was old and do it he didn't care about his shit
he was like go out everywhere okay okay we'll go with George Carlin but we do
have one toss up by the way oh I'll tell you what I'm gonna go with George Carlin
for now but like if we like really stick on this later we can do a coin toss
gotcha or you want to do a coin toss right now you got a coin around oh we'll
go with George next one George all right gotcha yeah okay
to do Castro okay or Pablo Escobar Escobar because he's in prison
I'm thinking Castro you think so yeah all right that deserves a coin toss let
me find a coin real quick all right okay here's one heads or tails
heads
oh shit I just started my table going up what did you say heads yeah Castro it is
faster all right okay next one
you're gonna want this one okay Travis Kelsey or Jason Kelsey Jason
Kelsey amen brother all right that's a right thing yeah he's just hairier he's got
thicker eyebrows all that full beard yeah that's what yeah that was kind of
easy you know that's like fucking coming out of the jockstrap and looking like
fucking dreadlocks or something so all right I've got some interesting ones
my first one on the docket Ryan Seacrest versus Simon Cowell
oh I'm going with Simon Cowell and here's why science Ryan Seacrest is a
pretty boy with a great haircut and all dressed nice well-spoken big radio guy
big he's gonna take over Pat Sajak's gig next year I think his ass hairs are
trimmed perfectly manicured beautiful ass hairs this way in the wind and sing I
think I gotta go with you on that one all right so Simon Cowell all right next
one Angus Young versus Billy Gibbons
yeah yeah that's a fucking mind eraser in it I'm going with Billy Gibbons
because of the beard sorry Billy love you but your ass hair is a great game
you know I could see Billy Gibbons actually going on really well in this
one I can see him maybe yeah me too me too all right next one I have bands
against each other guns and roses versus yes G&R versus I did this why not
G&R versus death why not why not it's our fucking contest I'm going with G&R
against who against Steph Leppard oh
yeah I go to G&R too okay G&R yeah G&R it is yeah I'm writing down to you yeah me
too next one Rihanna versus Mariah Carey
Rihanna Rihanna Rihanna versus Mariah Carey
I'm having a tough time I think maybe Rihanna
oh
shit for shit the giggles I gotta go Mariah Carey okay all right heads or tails
tails
heads Rihanna Rihanna I just wanted to go Mariah Carey because of the shit for
sure
oh good enough this I don't care about either one me neither but I thought it'd
be a fun contest yeah yeah yeah okay next one
Jen Psaki versus Ron DeSantis you remember who Jen Psaki is no she was
Joe Biden's original press secretary these go I'll circle back to you and get
back to you I'll circle back and come back to you she she'd always deflect all
these questions go I'll circle back and come back later remember her yeah yeah
her versus Ron DeSantis Ron DeSantis DeSantis all right yeah
all right next one the more I learn about it yeah he completely ruined his
whole career I think I oh yeah but anyhow yeah yeah that's for another day
Kevin Sorbo versus George Stephanopoulos
oh shit
I gotta go Stephanopoulos me too me too all right
Steph and not from Boppalopoulos Kevin you
I'm trying to write this down real quick man Kevin Sorbo that's a war be oh he
played what was hurt my vote was my vote was
Stephanopoulos okay and I that's what mine was too next one Kyle Shanahan
versus John Gruden
I'm gonna go with John Gruden
I think Chuckie has some marvelous red ass hairs some ginger ass hairs that are
just like pronounced and beautifully like just like roaming around all over
coming out as whitey-tities and fucking reaching around to each other
okay I was thinking Shanahan until you said that Gruden got my vote yeah we
gotta have a ginger in there anyhow right yeah yeah well we got a few oh okay
well he'll just be another one according to my list according to my list we got a few
okay we're gonna have to break these down and finalize the finals yeah I've got an
idea on that we'll talk about it later okay next one is Matt Damon versus
George Clooney
ooh I think I may have your back David I'm gonna go with Matt Damon too
all right yes all right Matt Damon don't know why I just kind of feel that way
too I don't know why either they're both about the same yeah that's why that's
why I match some of these like this is because I wanted to not be a clear-cut
winner I wanted us to argue about it on air so I just think George Clooney would
wipe an extra time yeah me too I think you're right yep so Matt Damon it is
and I agree with it I think George Clooney would just have a little bit
better grip on his ass hairs where Matt Damon just be like who cares man I'm
drinking a fucking a Scotch and fucking smoking a cigar I don't give a shit
down my ass here he probably lets it blow in the wind
so okay next one is Clint Eastwood versus Chuck Norris I've got a clear-cut
one on this okay I think Clint also and here's why I think that ass hairs are
afraid of Chuck Norris and would run off
yeah you know like the old Norris jokes yep I know exactly what you're talking
about yep yep so next one Elon Musk versus Mark Zuckerberg
yeah how about that one
I'm gonna go with the Zuck
yeah yeah another ginger ass hair yeah we need to put him and Chuckie versus
each other right yeah that's about it yeah we got good him and Chuckie Chuckie
Gruden two gingers we'll have the ginger off next one I love Jennifer Lopez versus
Oprah Winfrey
I'm going to go with JLo
yeah yeah I think I don't get JLo on that one too yeah I just think that Oprah would
like really be anal no pun intended about her anus so yeah I think she has a
team of 12 people tending to her anus at all times staff staff look at my anus
anything out of line there no Oprah no no no you did not address me as God I'm
sorry God I'm sorry hang on here show me the picture of my ass hairs I guess
that'll pass now be gone all of you then they scatter think it goes like that
probably oh definitely yep number 12 Morgan Freeman versus Michelle Obama
easy winner easy winner Michelle okay Michelle Obama okay maybe so well they'll
battle it off in this next I'm sure highly rated episode coming up
or no one's gonna listen to their guy this is the one they do the asshole no
thank you yes we will next one Johnny Depp versus Tom Cruise
oh damn I I gotta give this one to Johnny Depp yeah me too I think Tom
Cruise would like be really really really like anal about his ass hairs and
then I would have like people manicure him kind of like Oprah after winning
that court case yes thanks his shit don't stink I agree I agree Johnny gets
it okay Johnny gets it all right here let me
okay
this I don't wait for the Saturday talking about people's ass hairs number
14 oh yeah yeah Alice Cooper versus Ozzy
I can't hear that one Dallas me too all right
next one Will Smith versus Bill Clinton
all right Clinton
Hillary Clinton
Hillary
next one Jackie Chan versus Taylor Swift
Taylor Taylor
all right yeah yeah yeah yeah
all right and then finally number 17 Nick Cage versus Will Ferrell
I'm gonna go with me oh damn
can't hold out you really got me thinking on that one yeah that was that
one's not easy but I'm gonna go with Nicolas Cage
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay so that is my 17 and all right we'll have them
battle the winners we'll have them battle them out in a future episode not
responsible for greasy residue left on your blue two douchebags and microphone
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