Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City Missouri, from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Waters of the Missouri River, it is Two-Pouch Bags and Microphone Podcast.
Now we go to the amazing Mark the Palm Reader.
Hello everybody and welcome to Mark the Amazing Palm Reader. First in line, please step up.
Let's see young lady, I see a long lifeline. I see success, happiness, love, fortune. I also see a bit index finger.
Twenty dollars please.
Why two douchebags and a microphone? Because two fuck-nuts and a recorder was taken.
You know Rob, I just read this article about Joe Mixon of the Cincinnati Bengals and how he restructured his contract to take eight million less.
This is concerning because they are going to be a much better team because now they have more cap room to get more players.
So you know Chris Jones needs to ante up I think since Joe Mixon did this and take less money per year like he did.
That way you ensure a team that can always beat Cincinnati because if not they are regularly routinely trying to find ways to beat us.
They will eventually find a way to beat us. I mean I am talking about going to the Super Bowl and all that stuff. They will eventually get it if we don't be proactive in keeping our people at a reasonable rate.
So if Chris Jones, he can sit over there and say I want more money all he wants but the deal is you are going to have to give some like Mahomes has.
Yes.
It is too. But you said there that your brother was texting you?
Yeah, yeah. He sent me a Facebook ma'am.
Oh okay. And what did the meme say?
He said pro tip. If you serve coconut oil into your kale it makes it easier to scrap into trash.
That tells you right there my brother is listening to us.
Alright, what is your brother's name?
Tom.
Tom? Tom? Okay thanks for listening but you are still not doing your part. Here is what you need to do.
Anyone around you that has a phone or a tablet you are to grab them immediately and download all of our shows on there.
If they try to resist you hit them in the face and you scream at them no you must listen and if you don't listen you must at least download their show regularly.
You go to church, you break into that church or just go in there and act like your pushman.
No don't make a jerk.
Okay.
Okay now let me give you a little background. Okay now that you have asked that of my brother.
Okay.
Let me give you a little background on my little brother.
Okay.
Okay. He used to be a prison guard at Algoa in Jefferson City.
Oh shit.
Okay. He was also on the SORT team which was the team that went around all the prisons in Missouri.
Uh huh.
Including women. You see the videos of people that refused to come out of their cells they get taken out.
Uh huh.
My brother was one of them.
Oh boy. Okay well you see even more he's the kind of guy that can take someone's tablet.
Was, was, was. No longer. No longer.
Okay. Alright Tom. Well thanks for listening.
Try to get other people to listen too. Come on now. Is that such a tall task?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tom don't go breaking into people's cells please brother.
Okay maybe not that extreme. Maybe you can tell them a little bit.
You know but kind of not but kind of and go you know.
I think it would be very important for you to download Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
Every podcast they've ever done right now. I think it's going to be really important for you to do that.
You get what I'm saying? Very, very important for you to do that.
You hear what I'm saying?
Yeah I love you brother.
Hey I'm surprised I never met you but I love you too.
Hey.
So anyhow but thanks for listening Tom.
And that is the correct way to deal with kale.
And if you ever meet anyone that likes kale you immediately never talk to them again.
Because you cannot trust a person that likes kale.
It means they fall for anything and they're weak and they're spineless.
If you get the urge to eat kale go out and pick some grass out of the yard. It tastes better.
Go get dog shit and eat it. That tastes better.
Yeah dog shit tastes better than kale.
Yeah matter of fact if you're getting ready to eat kale look down at your penis and say I no longer have a use for this.
Right?
True to the fact.
Very, very true.
Look down and go I am no longer I give up my manhood for this plant.
I am a follower and nothing else.
I will fall for anything because I fell for the kale hoax.
The people in the kale industry are laughing at everybody.
They see these people going oh man look at all of them.
They love this kale and they know it's bullshit.
They know they're just trend followers.
Because they know when they developed it it was bullshit.
It was a joke.
They're like ha ha ha hey let's throw this shit on a plate.
And I bet you we can convince at least three people that they can eat it.
And it's going to be great.
And the sad part is people pay good money for it.
Yeah.
And then I see this product called sweet kale.
What?
You know there's sweet crude oil too right?
But you don't drink that shit.
What do they do? Add sugar to it? On top of it?
I think so.
I mean even more horrible you take a fabulous substance like sugar and you desecrate it with kale.
What kind of a maniac does that?
It's not right.
Sugar should have its own statue.
And kale should be like pissed on and vomited on regularly.
Sugar is a statue in my house. It goes in my tea.
Sugar is good. Kale is bad. End of story.
Yes. So anyhow thank you Tom for that message. So true.
So. Um. Rob. You uh.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum. Two douchebags in a microphone.
Continuing our quest here at Two Douchebags in a Microphone to be constantly funny.
Once again we offer you. Strange insults from an alien.
Ha.
May you always get it from your computer. With your headphones still attached.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
May you not be able to gain an erection without begging about Peter Dinklage.
Hello everybody. Two Douchebags in a Microphone. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright. Well a little bit later on in the program we got a message from Massengale.
And um. Someone we you know we have a uh. We have a secret spy in there.
Is that what I think it is?
Yes. It's new douche flavors. That did not make the cut.
So anyhow. Amanda's coming up a little bit later. But until then Rob. You got some stuff?
Yeah. Yeah. I got something to mark.
Okay.
You know how I kept keep mentioning that we're two and a half hours apart.
Yes.
And you keep shockin' coming up with stuff that I have no idea what you're coming up with.
And you catch me off guard.
Uh yes. And okay. Here's the deal. I've been doing this longer than you.
Right.
And that's all it is. I. And.
Okay. Well guess what?
What?
We could turn this into a different subject. But no. I want the answer right now.
Okay.
What is your number one soundtrack?
Soundtrack?
Yeah. Your number one soundtrack.
Album wise.
Whew.
And while you're thinking I'll give you mine. I already have mine.
Okay. Okay.
Mine is the 80's B rated movie Trick or Treat.
This is a fact that was done by a band called Fastway.
Uh huh. It's considered their number two album.
I love the music.
And those of you that don't know about the movie or nothing.
Sammy Kurt.
I've been playing a cameo as a priest on TV.
Yes.
I'm not gonna give this to you. You just gotta watch it.
Sammy Kurt is the villain.
Gene Simmons was a big part of the movie without the makeup.
And Ozzy was funny because he had his hair all short.
And he was playing a televangelist that was bashing on his music.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
And this was right around the time Jimmy Swagger was bashing all over Ozzy and calling him the devil.
Meanwhile Jimmy Swagger is getting some num nums for some hookers.
So.
I had this movie for many years on DVD and now I have it on Blu Ray and I watch it every Halloween.
Awesome. That's fantastic.
It's my number one soundtrack.
Okay.
Now you.
Let me think about this a minute. Geez.
You can tell me off guard. I'm gonna tell you what I want to know about it.
Okay. Let me think about it.
Okay. A soundtrack would have to be to a movie right?
Yes.
Okay. Let me think about this here real quick.
I don't care if it's some Broadway show. Whatever.
No no no. I'll cut it.
It's a soundtrack.
Okay.
I had a number two.
What's your number two?
Heavy metal of course.
Damn it. I shouldn't have asked you.
Because that was gonna be my number one.
Fuck.
No no. Take it.
Hey.
Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna go with heavy metal.
Because that's what I was gonna go with.
But I was trying to think if there was something else.
Okay. I'm gonna go with heavy metal with a right to change my mind at a later broadcast.
Because you really threw me for a loop on this one.
You do it to me all the time.
I know I do.
I ask every question.
Dude that was fantastic. Bravo.
You had me twitching and moving.
I know you do.
Dude that was a great question.
No no. I just wanted to show you I still have an in me man.
Cool.
I need to ask Davey that.
Hehehehehe.
I think he's had a good one.
Let's see. What was the one that ACDC did?
Was it like Christine?
No no no.
It was Who Made Who.
Who Made Who. It was Who Made Who.
It was Who Made Who. That's an awesome movie.
That was another one.
The movie was Maximum Overdrive.
Yes. That was another good one right there.
That would be number three.
That would be number three. Alright. Wow.
All of a sudden all this stuff is starting to rush back to me.
All of a sudden.
I'll tell you one that was not heavy metal that I really enjoyed.
The Top Gun soundtrack was really good.
Yes. Yes. I grew up with that one all the time.
Let's see.
There were so many.
And then there's ones that were just fantastic.
Like Christmas Vacation and Vacation. All the movies.
The songs that they played in there were just.
I mean Chevy Chase with that look on his face.
Constant disappointment and fuck upness.
You know. I mean. It was just masterfully done.
I also like Back to the Future.
Back to the Future was a great one.
I mean 38 Special did songs for that movie.
Yes.
Gosh.
You know what. Let's maybe put this.
Like I said. I didn't want to catch you off guard for one.
Yeah.
If we could have done this a whole different thing.
What was the one that Dio did part of the soundtrack on?
Hungry for Heaven.
And another couple of songs.
Geez. What the hell was that?
Yeah. I'm trying to think. See. You got me off guard again.
Yeah. Well. That's what we do right?
It's first time music.
I would love to hear Topher's input on this.
Right.
Wouldn't you love to hear Topher's input on this?
I'm going to send him a text after the podcast.
I bet he would have some good ones.
He would too because I'll tell you what.
You talk about a guy that is just as musically inclined with us and enjoys music.
Yes.
He is right there.
I can't stump him on music.
I'll throw the most obscure shit at him and he'll just be like,
Oh yeah. I remember that. That's 1974.
This is the first album that So-and-so appeared on.
And has actually fluked.
He's got it all down like we do.
And I think he'd be impressed. I'd just stump you on that one.
I think he would too.
Okay. What you got man?
Okay. Alright.
Well, okay. Number one, I read some disturbing reports.
61% of Americans in this new poll fear running out of money worse than fear dying.
Really?
Yes. They're afraid they're going to live and run out of money.
I was like that every day.
I get it. I get it. No, no, no. I get it.
I respect you for continuing to live down there and trying to raise your son in a better environment than Kansas City.
But man, it is hard to make a living down there.
Oh, it is. It is.
The good thing is, like I said, I got him with my company.
And he'll have a little something or something.
You know what I mean?
He takes care of you because you take care of him.
Yeah. And that's been my and my son's relationship all of his life.
That's great. Good. Well, you raised him right.
Yeah. I had to. I had to have somebody.
Yep. Oh, you said everybody else hates you so you needed him?
No. I'm joking around.
They don't hate me.
I'm joking around. I got to worry about them.
Nobody hates you, Rob.
You've always just been like, hey, there's Rob. Hey, hey, come on. Everybody. Come here. Look. Hey, there's Rob. Hey, Rob's here.
I don't know, Mark. I told you I've been going through this transformation.
I know. Are you female yet or not?
I'm getting to be a better me. Good.
I've been a fire now. I was around during the old me and liking the new me.
Well, we all we all go through this, Rob. We all do.
I'm being honest with him, you know.
No, no, no. We all go through this.
You get older and you see fate and you see mortality and you realize that your life is more than you ever thought it was.
And there are higher things to answer to than just someone next door to you.
Is that a good way of putting it?
There's a much higher law than us.
Yes. And people call it different things. I call it God.
Other people, you can call it whatever.
But I think at some point in your life, you realize that you answered a much higher things than you ever knew you did.
I do still today, man.
Oh, that's yeah.
You know what? However it works for you is how it works.
Do what I have to do. Do what I have to do.
The thing I try to do is I try to say thanks every day because I think it's very important to keep yourself grounded.
And another thing that I like to do is I like to thank God for all the blessings that I don't know about and have never known about.
Like at time I could have walked across the street and got hit.
But for some reason, like a bird flew in front of me or whatever. But I didn't. I was meant to be around.
I've had many people close to me that are no longer with us on this earth that we know it.
Yes, I understand. I know it. I knew a gentleman and I still know his kids.
He moved from the lake here back home to St. Louis.
And he was walking to work one day, walking down the street, crossing the street and he got hit and killed by a car.
Prime example of what I'm talking about.
I'll thank God because I'm one of the chosen ones to stay here on this earth and to do well.
Yes, yes. That's what I look at.
And also for the ability to do something that I've always wanted to do and loved to do and the freedom to do it.
It means the world to me and I know it does to you too.
The podcast to me is very fun. It's something I've always been intrigued with when I was a child.
I spoke before about how I listened to AM radio in the backyard.
And I hear the crackle of thunder.
That is so ingrained with me. It's something I've always loved and I've always been intrigued with and enjoyed growing up.
Like I spoke of Dick and Jay before and I remember hearing them do their...
Yes, and you know I grew up listening to all of them.
Yeah, you know Dick and Jay used to act like they were going somewhere.
We used to listen to them together.
Yeah, yeah we did.
Matt, Ken and Moffett.
We were very good, very good.
I mean, you know, there were so many of them.
But the reason that Dick and Jay has always stuck in my head is because their ability to do theater of the mind so well.
And all of them are great. Everybody that we've ever spoke about pretty much on this podcast is a really good program and have done well.
But you know the ability to make you think you're somewhere where they're not has always intrigued me.
And to me that's theater of the mind and that is what radio is all about to me.
Still to this day I think it should be that.
Although now it's like how many...what's the latest record or concert tour you can promote in five seconds and then we go to another Taylor Swift song.
You know, it's just...the real art is what to the internet like podcasting.
Yes.
And video casting and all that.
Thanks to you, thanks to this podcast.
Let's not forget Topher. This thing would have never got off the ground if it wasn't for Topher.
Because him and I work together and we work very hard to figure this whole format out and everything.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity.
Well, thank you for listening to everyone and the opportunity is of course yours.
You called in and you've always been our biggest fan from day one. You deserve it.
But I remember I came up to Christopher and I was like, you know, we want to do a podcast and we should do it from the city market.
And I got a name.
Oh yeah, what is it? Two douchebags and a microphone.
I like that.
And then we just started figuring it out. We started looking at software. We started looking at computers.
And this is something that I need to do now is I need to start looking at remote broadcasting like we were doing.
And, you know, I can always find a guest if Topher isn't going. My hope is he'll still start going.
He doesn't have to do every podcast, but he can do maybe the ones we do at the city market or something, you know, if he wants to.
So, you know, my hope is he does.
I just wish that was closer.
Yeah, if you were closer, there'd be a no brainer. We'd both just meet down there.
Yeah, I'd be there every day.
But until then, I have plenty of guest stars.
I mean, I've got people lined up from work and people that I know out, you know, not from work, but I've known for a while,
that are ready, willing and going and itching to talk about stuff that they want that they've been wanting to talk about for a long time.
And as soon as I get all this figured out, because right now what I'm figuring out is
do I want to stick to the audio tonic audacity software because I love how easy it is to use and how flexible it is to use
and how it's easy to incorporate other sound into it or other platforms.
I mean, it's just really easy to work with. I love it.
And it doesn't sound too terrible. I mean, I can listen to myself in the car and not cringe too bad.
So, you know, so I'm telling you, I listen back to me. I'm like, oh my God, everybody does. I'm convinced everybody does.
I think even especially later we did. Yeah, later forget it. More worn out.
I am. Well, but yesterday and today we're doing a good time.
We're trying to switch it up a little bit and not have you on so late because I mean, you're totally different if you're not about about ready to fall asleep.
And that's not a dog. I could tell you were really tired. And that's how come everyone I just ended early.
I'm like, well, he's getting too tired to do it. And a lot of times I was too.
So, well, yeah, I mean, my life is gone for a bit. Work is sick. I work well, 10 and a half or nine and a half hour a day.
But you can't watch 10 hour days. Yeah. You know, me and my son, those that I'm like, you know, I got to come home.
Took dinner. Me and my dog, you know, and then, OK, let's do this podcast and I do it for us, man, because like I said, this is my new hobby.
This is my new me. Well, that's great. And what I know, Mark, I'm putting everything into this and I have something else.
I'm like, catch you out. All right. OK. You know, it should work like that.
OK. OK. Well, sixty one percent of Americans. Fear running out of money more than they fear dying.
And think about what a decline. Let me say this right. So I don't piss off some people.
But OK, I'm not a Biden fan at all. I think he's an idiot and I think he's doing a lot of stuff just completely fucked.
I mean, the spending money and just printing money up and wiping your ass with it is not good, especially when inflation is so bad.
But this isn't about Biden. This is about what covid and everything did to us. Everybody was flying high.
There wasn't any problem at all. Everyone's laughing and playing in the streets and skipping around the maypole.
Then covid hit. Then all of a sudden, after covid hit, people's mindset changed.
And now inflation is deep. Money's hard to come by. Interest rates are up. I mean, before people were like fucking bathing in money.
We all called it from the get go. Yes. So this one thing, this one thing. No, no, no, no, it's fine. It's fine.
I mean, you say whatever you want. That's fine. I'm not going to say my true feelings, except that I think both sides are corrupt enough to where they're not to be trusted.
Well, well, I may prefer one side. I may prefer the values or whatever on one side more. But both sides are flawed and both sides.
Most of the people there you can't trust as far as you can throw them. No, you are right. Yes. Yeah. Both sides are brought.
And you know, I've been getting some stories from my brother and my sister in law, the Indian story and all that.
They sent me one today about covid and I have not had a chance to look into it. But well, you go ahead. Go ahead.
Okay. Okay. Well, anyhow, I just really don't want to go there on this. No, we will. Okay. You know what? We'll talk about that later.
So, okay. So that that was interesting about how the mindset of America has changed so much that people actually fear running out of money more than dying when it was the polar opposite three years ago, four years ago.
Then to 2019 to now, think of the difference. And then, you know, the the fucking bullshit we got going over on and Russia and Ukraine and all that, too. I mean, it's just it's a mess.
So now we got worried about Korea. Yeah, those are fucked that little fuck over there. China. China is China has always been our number one threat, whether anyone wants to believe it or not.
China wants this dead and they want our land. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yep. But anyhow, you know what? We're not doing that here because you know that there is. I say I apologize.
We try to, but sometimes we have to get there. Yep. You know that in there's a new trend going on. It's called sleep divorce. Really? Yes.
A sleep divorce is a mutual decision between two individuals who by social convention would typically share the same bed, but decide to sleep separately in order to improve quality of sleep.
Yeah, they and you know what? I sleep better on my own, too, because I toss and turn a lot and I don't want to kick an animal or a vowel or anybody. So I get it.
You know, for example, sharing the same bed, but using a different blanket can help. And whenever we, you know, whenever we do sleep together, I do use a blanket to kind of buffer.
So I don't like kick or, you know, anything too bad. But, you know, and then a lot of people are opting to do two two full size mattresses with two, you know, with two different frames stuck together.
Yeah. And that way they can move them apart a little bit. So you essentially are sleeping next to your partner, but you're not. You're separated enough to where you can't like accidentally kick him or elbow him or anything like that.
And I know a lot of people because I speak, you know, I talk to friends and stuff that are the same way. They're like, man, you know, I wouldn't wish my sleep habits on anybody.
So, you know, so they choose not to get in that situation. Yes, I know. I've been there. Yeah. So bad. And also, I mean, blankets are a tough one too, aren't they? Yes. Yeah.
Because I mean, it's so easy to reach for a blanket and grab it and call it your own. Yeah. Steal them. Yeah. Yeah. Steal them. So anyhow, that is a new trend going on in America. And to me, I get it.
I get it. So, yeah. Yep. Next one I got is the ex-wife of Usher. You know, the rap star Usher. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. She's calling for a lake in Georgia to be drained.
Yeah. Well, it's a little bit more legitimate than you first think. Okay. No, no, no. It's a little bit more legitimate than you first think. Okay.
Honestly, I think I've read the story, but the headline cracks you up. Yeah, the headline does because they don't tell the whole thing.
The ex-wife of R&B singer Usher is calling to drain Georgia's largest lake. Yeah, I've heard this one. Her son was found fatally injured 11 years ago.
Fashion designer Tamika Foster has collected more than 2,500 signatures for her online petition imploring officials to drain, clean, and restore Lake Sydney, Lanier to allow for safety improvements in the removal of hazardous debris and other obstructions.
Kyle Glover, her 11-year-old son, would bounce TV founder Ryan Glover, died on July 2012 after a personal watercraft stuck the boy as he floated in an inner tube on the lake.
Draining and cleaning and restoring Lake Lanier is not only necessary, but also an opportunity to honor the memory of those who have lost their lives and prevent further tragedies, Foster wrote in her Change.org petition, which she has also promoted on her Instagram page.
Located roughly an hour's drive northeast of Atlanta, Lake Lanier covers nearly 60 square miles and is far from just a getaway for millions of boaters, anglers, and other yearly visitors.
The lake provides drinking water for about 5 million people, according to the Riverkeeper Conservation Group. And Beaufort Dam at the lake's southern end generates hydroelectric power for the metro Atlanta area, so it sounds to me like I get her being heartbroken.
That sucks. I get that 100%. That would be the worst. That would be the worst thing ever is to lose a child. I don't think there would be anything much worse than that, if there is.
I had known a few people that had lost children and it's hard.
I've known some people, and I'm of course not going to get into it, but it completely ruined them.
Oh yeah, I know one. I've seen a marriage crumble because of that. Yes.
I've seen a person that's suicidal daily because of that. It's not pretty. No it's not.
So I get that she's heartbroken and wants to do something for her son, but this lake is much too important to do that. I mean, unless there's some way to dig a ditch to another reservoir or something and then fill the other reservoir up and then put the water back after you do the improvements, I don't think there's any way in the world to do this.
It's too important to Georgia. Yes.
So anyhow, that sucks, but I don't think there's anything that can be done about that. Like I said, I sympathize with her and I get it.
Any turn it would. Any turn it would.
Any turn it would. Any turn it would. Yeah. Yep. So. Just saying. Anyhow, let's do a little break and then we come back. Let's switch gears and go into new deuce flavors. Does that sound good?
Okay, and then I got after new deuce flavors, I got something to bring up.
Okay, sounds good.
Sounds good. And that's why I asked you if the two nights were different, because I'm catching it early off guard. Again.
Sounds great. All right, we will return.
Invisible ass paddlings, new deuce flavors and horrible pranks. What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
We are two deuce bags and microphone. As charming as a leaky sewer pipe.
Hello, this is Satan. You might know me from my pet name, Inflation. I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two deuce bags and microphone by a nice warm fire at night. I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day. Enjoy.
All right, two deuce bags and microphone on Mark.
And I'm up.
All right. Well, as promised, you know, earlier I think we're getting a little bit, I don't know, not negative, but a little bit kind of, I don't know, glum.
Yeah, we were. We need to step it up.
We need to step it up. We're a goofy podcast and that's what we're going to do. So, I...
Oh, this fits right in with the podcast. Go ahead, Batman. Go ahead.
Okay. Mr. Z, we will call him from Massengale, sent me a text.
Yeah, yeah.
And on this text it said, look at your email before it disappears and print it. So I go to my email and there's this master list of new secret flavors that was going to go and they got canned at the last second.
He was able to send them to me before the whole, the whole page was completely destroyed.
But I've got a copy of it because Mr. Z loves us.
Yeah. Mr. Z down at Massengale.
Every time they have something like this go on, he lets us know and he gives us the Iggy right off the bat. So thank you, Mr. Z.
So, one of the new flavors is, um, garlic butter.
Garlic butter sounds good to me. I don't know about in a douche, but I mean, you know.
It's like, you know, I have a little Italian in me too.
Yeah, yeah.
What was his name?
No, I'm joking. Okay.
I just don't know there.
Okay. Yeah, garlic butter sounds good. I don't know why it got canned.
You can always take like a piece of Italian bread or French bread and dip it in there, right?
Oh, you just had to go there, dude.
Yes, I did. Yes, I did.
That's what I do. My name is Mark and I say filthy shit.
It's your show. That's why I like you go there. I did not go there.
It's yours too. So.
I know.
You notice how I tag in all the new studio photos I put out?
Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I love them. I love them.
Do you like the new Fuck Off one and the new Saturn one?
Yes.
The problem is, I don't have a place for the damn banner now.
Because I got all this stuff between the Falstaff sign and the skull sign.
Oh, that's fine.
Oh, I love that thing.
I found that thing and I grabbed that motherfucker and I ran down four stories flights of stairs to buy that.
Because they were closing and this was I think River Market Antiques at the River Market, right?
And you know how it's got four stories.
Yes. Yes.
Or was it called River Market? It's something like that.
It's something like that. It's up there. What's the name of the road?
You know what? Wyandotte. I think it's off of Wyandotte up in the River Market area.
And anyhow, I get there and they go, you got two minutes to buy something.
And I was told by a friend of mine, she sent me a picture of that Falstaff sign and said,
hey, you still wanting a Falstaff sign? Because I was bitching. I was really wanting a Falstaff sign. I couldn't find one.
And so I fucking fly down there from Cleveland, Missouri, where I lived at the time.
And I get there, two minutes till, and they said, you have two minutes to buy something because we ain't staying any fucking longer.
I zipped upstairs, no elevator, grabbed that sandwich, zipped downstairs and still had three seconds to spare when I bought it.
And those three seconds, I took my time going out the door just to piss them off.
Oh, like you should. Yes. So they were dicks.
They were like, you got two minutes and that's it. Otherwise you ain't buying shit.
I got a few collectibles like that myself.
Well, I mean, this is only Falstaff sign I could find around. I mean, I don't know.
That's iconic when we were growing up. Oh, yeah. Well, it was Lord Falstaff's choice of beer.
So that tells you right there it's good shit, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Okay. The next one. Beats. What? Beats. You know, like we used to throw at each other? Yes. Beats.
B-E-T-S. B-E-T-S. Beats. Yes. I'm not so sure about Beats flavor.
Look, I love Beats like the next person not thrown at my white shirt. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So who got hot neck or? We had to wear white.
Well, you know, Beats are good for you and everything. So, I mean, they were good to stain.
Yeah, they were excellent to stain. I mean, anybody wore a white shirt got peppered.
Well, hey, if you think about it, honestly, Beats would be almost perfect.
Oh, yeah. Well, sometimes in the month, maybe not. A lot of people eat Beats with vinegar. Yes.
What is it is? Vinegar. That's where you're right.
It might be the perfect one and they threw it out.
Hey, you know what? I'm hoping I'm hoping Massengel doesn't come up after us over this, but I don't think they can.
They don't they don't even act. They're not even acknowledging this list.
Honestly, I eat my Beats with vinegar. No, Beats with vinegar is very good. I like vinegar and clove.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very, very good. Very good.
Very good. Maybe so. Massengel, give us a call, man. It's our idea. We got it on a podcast.
No, they can't hear us because we got the inside of it more protected. That's right. Mr. Z is on it.
And the next one, chocolate milk. I just maybe throw it in my mouth.
Good. Good. It's good for you. I love chocolate milk, but not there.
That can lead to some other thoughts and implications. I'm going to have nightmares now, man. Thank you.
Yeah, I'm thinking chocolate milk to me is a no also.
Oh, wow. That's like milk and magnesium.
Oh, God. Milk and magnesium flavored.
That was just like, remember the NyQuil chicken challenge?
No. That was last year, I believe. People were chicken cooking in NyQuil and trying to get fucked up.
I know. I know. I've heard it. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with people?
Yeah, anyhow. Back to Shadji.
The next one, beef puree. Puree, puree. I think it's puree. It's puree. Yeah, beef puree. Just minced up juicy beef.
Yeah. Well, I don't know. The girls I knew.
Okay, we're getting pretty raunchy on this one.
I know. I know. I know some people are going to love it.
Yeah, well, anyone that would listen. Let me put it like this, Rob. Why is the name Two Douchebags and a Microphone?
Because it's buyer's beware right off the bat. Right off the bat, you hear Two Douchebags and a Microphone. You're not thinking you're going to get political scientists arguing.
No. No. Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
My motto is I try to stay away from politics.
Yeah, me too. We all know how we feel.
But lately, politics is getting so stupid, we've got to pull them in.
Let's face it. It's a dog and bony show. It's all it is. You've got a guy in there that can't count to three.
It's taking everything I've got to keep from being in politics because it's so damn stupid these days.
Oh, I know. You know what? The stories I'm reading are stupid.
I've got one for you, Rob. Let me post this to you here real quick and then we'll get back on subject.
What do you think about us doing little one-off political shows?
But not your typical one. Not where you get on there and go Trump, Trump, Trump, DeSantis, DeSantis, DeSantis.
No, no. We talk about anybody and everybody.
You know, where you don't actually just like tout someone, but you actually talk about some bills coming up that concern you and maybe some stuff going through Congress right now that you like and some stuff going through Congress right now that you're against.
You see what I mean? Like getting down to the core of it.
I have to do a little more research into it before I can answer that.
Okay. Well, I think it would be fun to do that. Like I said, you know, the paranormal one, my friend Jake wants to do one and I'm all for it.
As soon as he gets this stuff together to start doing this paranormal one, it will be sponsored on twodouchebagsandamicrophone.net and so will this political one also.
And then I mean, I have some people that I have liberal friends and I have conservative friends that I'd love to get together on a panel and just start talking about some of this stuff.
The pros and cons, the yeas and nays, the you're an idiot, no you're an idiot.
Just so everybody can kind of get to know me a little bit, I vote on common sense.
Me too, brother. Me too. I'm glad you said that.
I vote on common sense. I did not agree with Biden because I did my research into him.
I knew this memory thing, whatever he's got going on was going to be a problem.
I knew we would end up in the position this country is in.
I've done my research into Trump. I have my feelings about Trump. I have my feelings about everybody but that's my feeling.
Me too. Me too. As far as the perfect candidate.
That's why I try not to go into politics. We don't want this show political.
No we don't. But you know what I do want?
If you want to start a set.
No no no no no. I'm segwaying back into the subject.
You know what I do want? Nashville hot chicken douches. That's the next one.
Oh hell yeah.
Yeah. Nashville hot chicken. That's delicious. Yeah.
It's going 6 o'clock in the evening. It's almost dinner time and you just made me hungry.
I'm sorry. Nashville hot chicken is so good.
The bad thing is I'm single.
Oh. Oh you got to do it yourself.
Well there's always Gonja. I think Gonja wants to date you.
Oh dude. Yeah. This is getting borderline here.
Is it getting harassment now maybe?
It's borderline harassment.
Rob I'm sorry. I should have never done those promos.
It's alright. I think I'm hopefully not going to control it.
Ass up with a smile.
No I take it is. He knows he's the only one that's sent one in so far. So we need somebody else.
Alright everybody. I still have the promo so I can still insert it.
Yeah. We're just going to have to.
Rob wants ass up. Male. Ass up. Face turned around smiling. Your ass up in the air.
At least one more.
At least one more. Come on guys. Come on. Have a heart.
Rob has only got one choice here and he doesn't want to go with just one guy here.
He doesn't know the guy that well. He'd like to have a choice but right now he doesn't.
He's going to have to go with this guy that won't leave him alone and you'll probably have to have a chaperone if you guys go out.
Well he's got to make it for Uganda.
I wouldn't worry about that then.
I'm not paying his way. I'm not paying his way.
Alright. Nashville hot chicken sounds great to me.
Yes. I like chicken. Yes. Awesome. Good choice.
Yes. I think so too. It might be a little hot for the female though.
I never really thought about that. It might be a little ouchy.
Well, that warm is always nice.
You know what? We'll figure it out.
Yeah. That's right. You know what? I mean.
They like warm suesies. They would be suesies.
I know someone out there that accidentally got Alberto V05 used as a lubricant and she survived it.
Yeah.
Don't say anymore. Leave that alone.
I'll reference that before you.
Leave that alone. That's enough.
That someone might listen. She might listen.
I sent her here that one.
Yeah. She might listen so we'll leave that one alone.
Next one. Cucumber salad.
That would be a little belchy.
Yeah. Yeah. And the really mean ones too. The ones that go through your nose.
Yeah. Yeah. Probably a bad idea. Probably a bad idea.
And then yeah. The Italian dressing.
Yeah. That would be a little belchy.
The Italian dressing would be nice though.
Yeah. Yeah. That would. You know I get all fancy and I would probably maybe grab a Copini's or maybe.
You know Anthony's downtown. If you ask them they will give you a little cup of their famous Italian dressing that's so delicious.
But they don't sell it by the bottle or nothing like that. So.
Yeah. Yeah. Or you can just go crazy and buy a big bottle of Olive Garden dressing and kind of throw a couple of cucumbers in there.
You can always just leave the cucumbers just to sit and just lap up the Italian dressing right.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Well the next one. I like this next one too. Ricotta cheese.
Oh I'm a cheese fan.
Me too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean I would give you like cheese whiz. Just saying.
Cheese whiz. Oh gosh yeah.
Yeah. You want. Right there.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
That was your many many many many years ago.
The next one I like because it's interesting. Ginger snaps.
Remember those? They're real like really sharp gingery sugary taste and they're like really crisp little cookies.
That would be alright. I'd take that. I'd take some ginger snaps.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why not?
This next one I love.
Fresh in your breath.
True. True.
Same way with hot damn. Fresh in your breath while you get fucked up.
Next one. French toast.
Oh I love French toast.
Yeah. I wonder if you're allowed to bring a little maple syrup.
Oh you got to have syrup.
Yeah. Just a little couple of dashes. Nothing too bad. I mean you know.
Oh no. Douse that in some bitch.
Okay. Okay.
Alright. French toast douche. Sounds great.
That's right. I love French toast. Douse it in maple syrup.
I wonder if you could do those little French toast sticks things that you get at like hotels and stuff.
Oh dip it in.
Yeah. Yeah. There we go. Go.
In the syrup.
Delicious. Delicious.
You're welcome America. You're welcome.
That's what we do here. We help.
We are here to help.
Two douche bags and a microphone helping America.
One French toast stick at a time.
And just so you know I ever eat this dough but I got one. Another one chopping. So go ahead.
Go ahead and interrupt me with it.
No. No. No. No. Finish what you do.
Okay. Alright. The next one I'm not really sold on.
Sauerkraut.
Oh hell no.
Well I mean one of you has stuck a couple of.
Well there you go again with the manager.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's true.
And also how about if you stuck a couple of bratwurst in there.
Would that be such a bad thing?
No. That would ruin the whole of that.
Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want any wieners popping out there. Yeah.
Yeah. You know. You're right. You're right. You're right. Okay.
Okay. Maybe sauerkraut's not that good of an idea then.
That may be a skeleton in the closet you don't know.
Yeah. Maybe so.
Another one. Sour apple.
Oh you know what it can make things pucker up.
A rum Halloween time could be good.
Yeah. It could be good. Could be good.
No. It's not as good as a sour apple smoothie.
Yeah. A sour apple smoothie can be looked up on Google.
They are delicious.
Oh no. It's a sour green apple smoothie.
But the best thing to do is you just do this here at home.
Okay Google. Green sour apple smoothie.
So when your phone does that it will take you right to it and that's always in your memory. So you're welcome.
He he he he.
Rob when you get his hands looking up.
I will. Okay.
Next one I really love. Dale Pickle.
Oh real quick. You know what I used to do.
I'm going to leave that one alone right there.
I'm not. No I'm not. I ain't going to comment on this one.
Alright. You're welcome too. I love the thought of Dale Pickle.
I think that not only does it taste.
Not if you had what I have going through my head.
Oh. Oh. Phallic.
No. I'm just saying it was good.
Um. Oh. The hell was I going to talk about?
Shit.
You know what. I lost it. What I was going to say. I completely lost it. So it doesn't matter.
Okay I'll tell it at you. I'll say Bloody Mary when you said Dale Pickle.
Oh.
Well I mean I can.
I got one kind of like that.
It's one of. Another one.
Okay I love Bloody Mary. But that would be a reject for me.
Okay. Now what kind of pickle do you do the spears that are cut into quarters?
No. Yeah. Just the dill spears.
Just the dill spears. Okay. Okay.
Now do you put the celery in it and all that?
No. No. Just the dill spears.
What about black pepper? You put black pepper in it?
Oh yeah.
Okay. Okay. Oh I remember what I was going to say.
What?
This okay Google stuff. I used to play tricks on at people at my old job.
They'd be getting ready to get on their phone.
And they're getting ready to do the okay Google to have it answer.
I'd sneak up behind them. I'd go okay Google.
Game midget porn. And then that would be in their memory.
And a guy who worked at the. Okay sure.
Anything you want to tell us about? No.
Who's a fucking Mark? Okay sure.
I've heard that before. It's Mark.
Okay. Whatever you want to say. That's fine with me.
You got something you want to talk about? It's fine. I'm always here.
So anyhow.
Next one. Spicy Ranch.
Or you could just have regular ranch if you want.
You could even have the light ranch if that's what you prefer.
Only if you come from Texas or New Mexico.
And why is that?
Southwest case.
Ah okay.
You gotta come from Texas or New Mexico.
And you could even throw in a little green chili just to celebrate them.
Oh yeah I love green chilies.
Yeah yeah green chilies yep.
Have you had New Mexico food? The green chili?
Back in 89, 90, 91 I was running down to Albuquerque once a month.
It was awesome. You'd walk into a Burger King and for 25 cents buy a side dish of green chilies.
Yep.
To throw on your burger ranch.
You could not get that in Kansas City.
No no no it's not the same recipe.
These are like green chilies off the Rio Grande.
They're not hot. They're all about pepper.
We went through Albuquerque last year going to Colorado on vacation.
Last September.
We decided to go to Albuquerque airport.
Really easy airport to get around.
We rented a car there and went up into Colorado.
Pagosa Springs which is maybe 2 and a half hours from Albuquerque.
I'm in there in a restaurant and I wanted to get some of their traditional food.
So anyhow they asked me do you want it hot or not.
I was like I don't want it real hot.
And anyhow it was still really fucking hot.
They were over there laughing at me.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
And finally a guy came over and congratulated me.
He said good job you did it.
And anyhow he had what they called the tame sauce.
Would have been our hottest sauce around.
Yeah yeah.
It was good stuff though it was a great place.
And it was recommended at the airport.
I was there talking to a guy in front of me a line that lived in Albuquerque.
And evidently the crime there is horrible.
He was trying to move.
But he said they're one of the few places that property values went down because crime was so bad.
Yeah to this day I have a cousin that lives down there that works at the university.
There at Albuquerque.
No he said that like all the time he said U-Hauls would be going through from one coast to the other.
And they don't know about Albuquerque.
They'd be in there paying for gas or getting a soda or something at a gas station.
And someone would come up and fucking grab their truck and take off in it.
Oh that's anywhere these days.
Yeah well yeah that's true.
Next one.
V8.
V8 flavored.
I don't know.
That to me is too much like a menstrual cycle.
Well that kind of goes with yeah.
I'm going to say no.
Even if you like V8 or not.
I do like it.
I don't like it all the time.
But I do like V8.
It is good.
Yeah.
But I don't think in this situation V8 would be that great of a douche flavor.
That vodka.
Oh V8 and vodka.
Oh that puts a whole different spin on it Rob.
That's what we were just talking about.
Okay you got me.
You got me with that.
You got V8.
I'm going to avoid him here.
Alright.
Okay next one and I don't agree with this but it would be funny one time.
SpaghettiOs.
Oh hell no.
That makes me want to throw up right now.
You can play with those little round noodles.
Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up right now.
You could just frolic around with those little round noodles Rob.
That would be fun.
That's what I'm saying.
It makes me want to throw up.
Okay alright.
No to the.
As far as you're acting a single guy these questions.
I know.
I'm a bastard.
So you're getting the best answers.
I know.
So anyhow you said that you had some stuff.
Yes.
Okay.
You remember before we went on air I asked you whether last night was separate from tonight.
Uh huh.
Okay.
We were talking last night.
Guess what.
What?
I had the very first two douche bags and a microphone very ass on.
Okay.
You remember us talking about that.
Yes.
Okay well for those that did not heard it or not listened yet.
Go back and listen to what yesterday.
The one that was dropped yesterday will have it on there.
Yes that's what I'm saying.
Well we're going to start them off lightly.
I figured we'd go with a couple celebrities.
Let's go with Tom Selleck or Hugh Jackman.
Okay.
Um Hugh Jackman.
That was mine.
I could see Tom Selleck shaving his ass.
I could too.
He was a pretty boy.
Yeah I think he would be like oh no no no Tom Selleck does not have ass here.
Hugh Jackman is the Wolverine.
But then again Hugh Jackman yes yes he's a Wolverine and he's tough and all that.
But Hugh Jackman does a lot of Broadway too so I don't know maybe he would be into asshole D. Herring.
I'd still say Hugh Jackman has the hairier ass.
Okay okay.
That's my vote.
Okay well there's your very first hairy ass off on To Do Bags.
Alright do you have any more or is that it?
No that's the one that you're supposed to go up next.
Oh okay let me think here.
Well no.
I've got one.
Oh.
Alright who has a hairier ass?
Would it be Madonna or Cyndi Lauper?
I've got a clear cut winner.
Cyndi Lauper.
Nope Madonna.
Madonna?
Yeah she's Italian.
Well I thought Cyndi Lauper was known for having armpit hair.
Did she have armpit hair?
I was thinking I could be wrong.
Hmm.
This is one of those off-court things.
You know what I'm gonna look that up and I'm gonna get back with you.
Yeah let's get back on that.
Yeah.
Right now I'm filming Madonna's camp.
I'm filming Madonna's camp.
I threw that one at me like 24 hours ago.
You got it.
Okay let's see.
Let's see.
Oh by the way.
Another new song.
You know I'm listening to music right now.
Uh huh.
On YouTube I found another, well it's not a new song.
It's new to me.
You know how we've been talking about Zach Weil?
Yeah.
It's a black label society song.
Uh huh.
It's a remake of Ain't No Sunshine originally done by Phil Withers.
I'll have to look that up?
Yeah it's on YouTube.
It was nine years ago.
Check it out.
Dude the video, the video is actually pretty comical.
Okay.
Alright.
Now it's, you just gotta check out the video and see what I'm talking about there.
But no, I'm really liking that remake of that song.
And it shocks me that it's a black label society.
But check it out.
Just throwing it out there.
Okay cool.
Alright I will check it out.
That sounds good.
Alright.
Let's see.
Did you hear about the Chinese hackers?
No.
Okay.
Let's give them, we'll be right back with the Chinese hackers right after this.
Oh lord.
That man just saw a puppy and had...
Hey there.
Don't worry.
I have a clown nose.
Oh no.
That drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay.
I have a clown nose.
Clown nose.
Just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office?
Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
Hey, where did everybody go?
Where are the douche bags?
Oh my god, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Ugh, I'm glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.