Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the
banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Waters of the Missouri River, it is Two Boosh Bags
and Microphone Podcast.
Oh Lord, that man just sawed a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
Clown nose, just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office?
Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct wash rags.
Two douchebags and a microphone invade your ear holes in 3, 2, 1.
Hello everybody, two douchebags and a microphone, this is Mark.
And I'm Tom.
Alrighty, so anyhow, I got a few things going on today that I read about.
One of them Topher sent to me.
I don't know if he wants this officially to be a part of Topher's desk thing that we're
coming up with or not.
I'll have to ask him.
I don't know if he actually wants to write stuff out for me or, you know, and I read
them on the air or if he just throws me a couple of ideas and I run with it, I'm not
sure.
But the one that he pointed out to me and I think is funnier than hell is, we always
point out hypocrisy, right?
Whether it be the left or the right, hypocrisy.
One of the biggest hypocritical pieces of crap in the world, in my opinion and I'm sure
many other people, is Ben and Jerry.
Ben and Jerry have been soaking up profits for a long time and acting like they're these
do-gooders and always have something negative to say about America or the public in America
or something.
And so, this is no different.
July 4th, they tweeted out that America needs to give back the land to the Native Americans
and be serious about it.
Well, several tribes took issue to this because Ben and Jerry's land in Vermont is on their
land.
So, they issued statements to Ben and Jerry saying, hey, if you're really serious about
it, let's start talking.
Give your land back.
So far, there's not been a response from Ben and Jerry's like you would think because all
they are is some fat mouthed fucking hippies that sit around and smoke pot all day, which
there's nothing wrong with, and come up with shit of why America sucks.
Well, I'll tell you what, I wish America would get smart and not buy their ice cream.
Their ice cream's not that fucking good in my opinion anyhow and all I get tired of hearing
about blowhards telling me about how I need to live my life.
Well, this is a great example here, Ben and Jerry.
Give your fucking land back if you really mean it and if not, shut your fucking mouth
and go away forever.
I'm tired of you fucks always saying something.
I wish people would get it fucking brain and quit buying their stuff.
So, anyhow, go ahead.
I eat cheap ice cream that tastes just as good as theirs.
Yeah, their ice cream is ridiculously overpriced and overrated, yes.
And they always have something negative.
So, they kind of remind me of American born Roger Waters.
Roger Waters will sure take money from America.
You want to go see a concert, he'll charge you a lot of money to see his concert.
But, he'll tell you how bad we are in the same sentence and there are a lot of other
ones like that too.
There's other people, blabbermouth, fucking assholes that can't stand behind their word.
So, anyhow, indigenous tribes on both sides of the U.S. and Canadian border are squabbling
over who is entitled to compensation for Ben & Jerry over its Vermont headquarters,
which some claim sits on stolen land.
Chief Work O'Bornsine of Quebec-based Albinaki Bank Council said that Ben & Jerry's is on
their land, but coincidentally there is a different tribe in America, the Nelthegan
brand of the Albinaki nation says it's their land.
And both of them are kind of fighting over who Ben & Jerry owns royalties or whatever,
however you do it, pay the money or just give the land back or whatever.
But both of them are fighting over who is going to get the money from Ben & Jerry because
Ben & Jerry are over their mouth and off like they always do and someone finally put them
to the test.
Someone that should.
The people that they're supposedly in air quotations defending.
Well, I think it's kind of funny that you haven't heard shit from them about it and
you probably won't either because they put their foot in their mouth.
Not only did they tweet that in America, but they tweeted it in Canada on Canada Day, which
was a few days prior to the 4th of July.
They're both in the same area.
Yeah, they are.
And anyhow, so far all you're getting from Ben & Jerry is crickets, kind of like their
brain power.
So anyhow, Ben & Jerry's two douchebags in microphones say, fuck you, shut up and go
move to, go move somewhere else you assholes.
If you hate it so bad here and we're so bad, go move somewhere else.
But, not only do you move somewhere else, you forfeit all the money you made over here
because we're so evil.
So eat a dick, fuckfaces.
So, anyhow, that's about all I've got to say about them.
That came from Topher and thank you Topher if you listen to this.
Topher.
Yeah, he's probably got better taste.
He doesn't listen to this.
I'm joking around.
Anyhow, I loved that when he sent that to me.
I was like, aha, this is brilliant.
This is exactly what him and I had done for quite a while there.
Yes it is.
I'm going to point out hypocrisy.
And so, anyhow, that was, thank you Topher.
So, I'm trying to get to this deal here.
What it is, is Farmers Insurance Agency, we all know them right?
Yes.
Okay.
Well, about a year, year and a half ago, they said that they were going to only be
probably primarily doing remote work from here on out so people could do it from home.
So, all these people did different things.
You know, they moved out of state because they didn't think they was ever going to have to go to work at the place again.
They shifted their life around to accommodate remote work.
You know, some people bought an RV and just like they're tooling around America and they're doing their remote work from wherever.
You know, whether it be a lakeside or oceanside or whatever.
And then the CEO took and reversed everything about a week ago.
So, anyhow, employees at Insurance Giant, Farmers Group, who sold their houses and moved after they were told they would be allowed to remain remote last year,
are furious over the company's requirement that they return to the office at least three days per week, according to a report.
Farmers Group CEO, Raul Vargas, who recently took over the California based company, reversed his predecessor's policy of allowing most employees to work from home.
Vargas' about face on remote work sparked a deluge of angry responses from farmers' employees,
who took to the firm's internal social media platform and posted messages filled with angry and crying emojis, according to the Wall Street Journal.
I sold my house and moved closer to my grandkids, one employee in the claims division wrote on the message board. So sad I have this huge financial decision based on a lie.
This is seemingly a power move that is frankly disgusting, another employee wrote.
A farmer's spokesperson told The Post, this is a New York Post and this is where I get this information from.
Emerging from the pandemic, the Farmers' Leadership Team has decided the organization will move to a hybrid work environment beginning in September.
A blended approach, we believe, will allow us to continue offering the flexibility we all value while reaping the benefits of the office environment.
And I know what he means by office environment, I think you do too, right? Someone keeping an eye on you.
Because it's been proven pretty much that if no one's keeping an eye on you, you're not keeping an eye on yourself.
And you're not as productive from home, they've proved this.
And also, the type of workers changed over the last few years anyhow.
Let's face it, a lot of the boomers, a lot of the Xers will keep busy whether someone's behind them or not.
Now, I don't know if the generations after that, the Millennials and the Zoomers and all that, are necessarily that self-starting, you know what I mean?
Or that disciplined.
I know exactly what you mean because I'm dealing with this at work right now.
I think we're all dealing with it at work.
The spokesperson said that employees with a 50-mile radius of a farmer's office will work from their respective office location at least three days a week, per week, three days per week, while having the flexibility to work remotely two days per week.
Based on business need and different types of positions, roughly 60% of farmers' employees will be hybrid.
The other roles will either be virtual or in-office, the spokesperson said.
As business conditions, such as emerging from the pandemic, change, so must business approaches, the company spokesperson said.
We are regularly evaluating and adapting our ways of working to align with business needs.
To that end, the decision to embrace virtual work at the beginning of the pandemic in March of 2020 was one that made sense at the time.
Adopting a hybrid approach in September 23 is what makes sense for an organization now, the company said.
I'll let you speak here really quick and I have some comments about this too.
Okay, no.
I think a lot of people in this country would agree with me on this.
We've kind of foreseen this coming.
People got, everybody was used to actually showing up at work and then you got to where you could work from home.
Unfortunately, I did not have that opportunity.
Same here.
And everybody's received, and it lasted so long that everybody's seen it.
People are going to get comfortable.
And now they're, okay, what do you do after that?
People got to go back to work.
Yes.
And this was questions during the pandemic.
A lot of people were asking the new normal.
Yeah.
And I do not agree with, you need to show up at work.
You really do.
Very well said, Rob.
And you mentioned something about the young people.
Fortunately, my son is 18 years old, just graduated.
I just got him a job out where I've worked and I am getting so many compliments on him.
Where we have other kids his age.
We got a guy that's in his 30s that's about to lose his job.
Because he don't want to show up.
He wants to, you know, he is very waste of time.
You know.
And my son's outshining them all.
Well, yeah, I see where you were going with that whole thing.
Yes.
And I've got a little bit more to add to that.
Rob, that was very well said and I agree with it 100%.
And I don't think I could have said it any better.
Okay.
Now, what you're talking about was the old CEO of Farmers Insurance speaking when there was a pandemic going on, right?
What you have is a new guy here reassessing things when he came in.
Okay, so to call this guy a liar is a stretch.
Because this guy didn't say it.
The other guy said it.
Right.
This guy came in and took a look at this ball of shit on his desk and he's like, you know what?
I'm going to have to change some things around.
And God bless him.
You know what?
He's doing what he has to do to keep the business profitable and going.
Yeah, you have to.
You have to.
Yeah, so I, not only everything that you said, but would like to also add that is we are talking about two different people here.
And companies do change directions regularly depending on need.
The ones that own are the ones that do not stay in business.
And that's just the way it is.
So, on with you.
I think that these people, you know, they altered their life and they may be mad.
But you know what?
Maybe they should have thought about that a little bit better detail before they went through all these problems.
Now, you go selling your home during this because you think you're going to live online the rest of your life.
That's what I said.
This world's gotten lazy.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I mean, yeah, exactly.
It has gotten lazy.
And another thing is, is like as for the person that moved closer to their grandkids, Wolf, is that big of an issue?
And I understand that and I appreciate that.
You know, I'm fortunate enough to have everybody really, you know, within an easy drive.
And we get to see everybody as much as, well, I mean, not, you never get to see them as much as you want.
But enough and nobody feels, you know, left out or nothing or like they are.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I know that there's people that their kids move a thousand miles away and that sucks.
They don't get to see the grandkids and all that.
I get that.
But if it was that big of an issue, maybe they should find a job somewhere around their grandkids are and take that job.
That's exactly what was going through my mind.
Yeah. And farmers insurance is not responsible for you or that.
No, you're the one that gave it up.
Yes. Farmers insurance can suddenly go, oh, golly, you know, you know, Jeffy down there, he's not near his grandkids.
What are we going to do?
Well, you know what?
Let Jeffy go do whatever he wants.
No big deal, man.
It might be transferring to that office.
Yeah.
Or something, you know, if Jeffy or whoever or Johnny or whatever.
Felt that strongly about it.
You can find ways around stuff.
You can do things.
There are options in America to where you can do so, including taking another job.
Yes, you can.
So anyhow, I'm glad we I'm glad I'm glad we agree on that.
And Rob, you said that very well.
And thank you.
That was a really good response for me just throwing it at you because this is kind of an impromptu podcast is supposed to happen.
A few hours later in the day.
But I got I got a thrown a curveball at work and anyhow, I have to be in there much different hours.
So I have to shift everything.
And Rob was good enough.
And I woke up at four was at work at six a.m.
And got off at 11 and he called me at two thirty.
Yeah.
It's supposed to be later in the afternoon.
So everybody, that's where that's dedication.
It's going to be a good one.
Yes, it is.
That is dedication.
It's going to be a really good one because guess what I got in my greedy little mitts?
Oh, a new dear douchebag letter.
It's been a lot.
Is it gone?
No, it's not gone.
I don't know what to do about God's.
I'm flabbergasted.
I never thought that someone would send you an ass up face pic like I requested.
I started to have to ghost him.
I've been having to ghost him.
Well, I've been busy too.
So, yeah.
Well, I'm kind of jealous.
I'm kind of jealous.
I've been doing this longer and I have not had a stalker yet.
You already got a stalker.
Shit.
That's because you invited him.
And I invited him.
And he's still like, nah, nah, I don't want that Mark guy.
I'm going to show Rob my asshole.
Oh my God.
So you had to ghost him, huh?
Well, I've been putting him off.
I'll get a hold of him later.
So, yeah.
That still kills me.
I can't believe that that one.
I can't believe somebody actually did this.
I really can't.
I can't either.
It still gets me.
So how many pictures has he sent you not sold?
No, no, no money involved.
Yeah, no money involved.
I'm sorry.
Straight up.
No.
That was Mark's wording, if you'll listen.
Yes, and that was an accident too.
Yeah, it was his habit.
Yeah.
I said sold accidentally because this guitar that I've been looking at was just sold and
it just popped up on the screen.
Oh, sorry.
Wasn't in the cards.
Sorry.
It's all right.
It's okay.
I didn't want to drive halfway to St. Louis to get to Sonbitch anyhow.
Yeah.
Anyhow, it's okay.
There will be another one coming along.
But I'll have to show you a picture of it when I get a chance.
I'll have to snap a picture of it and then send it to you.
Yeah, do that.
Do that.
Let's do that.
Oh, this thing is beautiful.
Let's get the letter.
Oh, okay.
Get the letter.
All right.
Dear douchebags.
Oh, hang on.
Hang on.
Well, hang on.
Let's do our pause so I can actually put in the damn liner that I came up with it.
So we'll be right back, everybody.
Got you.
Two douchebags and a microphone, the number one show for people that lie about their favorite
podcast.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You are just like a cloud.
It's a beautiful day when you disappear.
Dear Abby, not quite.
You have questions, we have answers.
They're not very good answers, but we have them.
Okay.
All right.
Two douchebags and a microphone on Mark.
I'm up.
All righty.
Well, as promised, I got a dear douchebag letter right here.
All right.
Dear douchebags, I have a very unique problem.
My boss spits a lot when he talks, and he is a close talker.
He is very good to me, so I do not want to piss him off.
Any ideas on what I could possibly do to stop getting a shower every time he's near?
Signed, AllWet and WilMet.
Oh, wow.
Another great name.
I know where that's at.
It's up north Chicago.
I've been through there.
Oh, is that WilMet, Missouri, or have you been through the one Chicago?
No, I'm by Chicago.
Okay.
I don't know if there's a WilMet, Missouri.
There probably is.
No, no.
I've been to WilMet, Chicago.
Oh, okay.
I believe it's north shore, isn't it, up there?
Yeah, I believe so, yeah.
Okay.
Well, our crack staff, and let's see, I think we determined it was like cracks now, like old bones.
One named Plumbers Crack, or the original, you know, the crack...
That was the last one I heard.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like our crack staff, the old bones cracks, not the Plumbers Crack, or the crack drug.
Our crack staff has came up with an answer.
That would never be.
No, no.
So, here we go.
All right.
Dear old wet and WilMet, I have a couple of possible helpful tips.
I really hope they work for you.
One, if you're female, you can always pretend to become Muslim and wear a complete hijab headdress.
Just remember to have spare ones in your office desk.
That way, when he showers one of them, you can go put on a dry one and not have to walk around
with his spit all over your cloth.
Now, to me, that's a little extreme, but I mean, I guess if it works, it works, right?
Yes, yes.
Yeah.
Two, you can suddenly become very athletic, and when he comes to talk to you, you start stepping all around
and look at your Fitbit.
If he says anything, tell him you're listening, but your doctor ordered you to be more active
and you're trying your best.
So, you know, there's nothing you can do about that, and it wouldn't be too suspicious to be like,
look, man, my doctor said that I need to keep in shape, that, you know, I have a lot of issues
right in my family, so every time he comes around, you start dancing around
and don't let him near you.
So, number three, if you have a small set of stares at your office, when he comes to talk to you,
make sure you're on the top stair, therefore, his saliva hits you in the clothing
and not in your face.
I guess pretty, so far, I think we have some pretty sound advice, right?
That's the best I could think of.
Yeah, nothing too crazy. I mean, what do you do with something like this?
I mean, there's only so much you can do.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, and finally, my last and best suggestion is go to Amazon.com,
order a personal neck fan, the one that wraps around your neck.
The fan should aim close enough to blow any unwanted spit straight back at him.
There you go, best of luck. Thanks for trusting us with your problems.
And I mean, really, if you listen to us on anything, best of luck, for real,
because that's what you're going to need.
Good.
Although, I think our crack staff was pretty good on this one.
Oh, they were very, yeah.
Yeah, they came up with some solutions that may not get you fired or even looked at weird.
Right. I mean, you could always go under COVID stuff and wear the mask again.
That's another one. I'll crack staff to not pick up on that.
Yeah, and also you could wear like sunglasses too and say that you have some sort of an eye problem
that you can't get bright lights, make everything blurry,
because before I had my Lasik, I had that problem.
And then I had the Lasik surgery and now I don't have to like pretty much need sunglasses inside.
So yeah, there's all different kinds of stuff you can do.
But I was always an advocate of like every time he comes over to like spit in your face,
tell him you already had your shower and to speak from a distance.
Yeah, see, me, I spit back. That's the thing.
Daffy Ducking. You Daffy Ducking, wouldn't you?
Well, that is my nickname, Duck.
Oh, it is? That's right.
Does anyone ever call you Duck anymore?
A lot of people. I have grandkids that call me Paw Paw Duck.
Now, OK, refresh me.
I got it tattooed on my arm. Come on, Mark.
OK, I got a question. All right. I don't remember how that name originated.
How did it originate?
OK, back when I was like 12, 13 years old. OK.
If you remember the 80s, there was a song that came up and it hit the top 40.
It was called Macho Duck.
As opposed to Disco Duck in the late 70s.
It was a parody. Well, yeah.
Yeah, there was Disco Duck, but there was Macho Duck,
which Macho Duck was a parody of Macho Man by the Village People.
Ha. Macho Macho Duck.
OK, well, it hit the top 40.
Well, I always thought I was hot shit on my bike, you know.
I was always, you know, I did everything.
Uh-huh.
Well, one day I put, I mean, this is for real.
I put 100 pounds of air in a bicycle tire.
Uh-huh.
20 inch bicycle tire.
And I rode it up the road, rode it back down the road, stopped, was sitting on it, talking to my neighbor.
Uh-huh.
And all of a sudden that tire just blew.
And my dad and his buddy were standing in the driveway across the street.
Uh-huh.
And that was the moment he came up with the nickname, he came up with Macho Duck.
That's funny.
Because that was the song. Because I thought I was macho, you know.
Cool.
And Duck stuck with me over the years.
Yeah, because ever since I first met you, I remember you said you just called me Duck.
And everyone just automatically started calling you Duck.
It's on my Facebook, yeah.
I mean, even my grandkids call me Paw Paw Duck.
That's awesome. Cool.
Yeah.
Well, good. Awesome.
I got a question.
Yeah?
Have you ever heard of bed rotting?
Bed rotting.
No, but I have a six month old golden lab that's eating my box spring. Is that close enough?
Yeah. It's eating your box spring?
Seriously, I'm starting to worry about falling through my box spring in the middle of the night.
Can't you stop him from eating it?
No, we need... I'm looking into a trainer.
Okay.
I'll send you a picture of my couch after a while.
Actually, while me and my son were at work.
Oh, it's great, yeah.
Labrador's will do that when I first got my very first lab when I was on my own, not as a child.
Boo Boo, I left her alone a little bit too long and she chewed up the whole living room because they get nervous.
Oh, they do. Yes. Yes.
Anyway.
Okay. Well, bed rotting is a new trend with the Zs, the Zoomers, the Gen Zs.
This from CNN. After working another weekend shift, Dr. Jessica Gold returned home feeling burnout and succumbed to her urge to watch TV and sleep most of the day.
As Gen Z would say, she was bed rotting.
Gold is one of the many TikTok users who weighed in on the latest viral self-care term in which users post videos of themselves tucked under layers of blankets, oftentimes with a phone or snack in hand.
The phrase describes staying in bed all day by choice, therefore rotting there, according to Gold, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Washington University School and of medicine in St. Louis.
I think it is okay to do if you need it, she said, but I have to let myself do it as long as you understand why you're doing it and turn to other coping skills as well.
Bed rotting is similar to having a lazy day, but it's more of an immobile term with less activity, Gold said.
During the lazy day, you can still engage in activities that you find fun and relaxing while possibly spending time with friends and family, she said.
Okay, so it sounds to me like mentally and physically worn out.
So this is what they do and then they post it on TikTok is is they're like, hey, I'm in a bed rot for a little bit.
So don't look for me. Look for me, you know, lying in underneath a bunch of blankets on TikTok.
Okay, well, I, I understand that. I mean, I see this. I know a few people that do this.
I am not one of them people. I am not either and I never have been.
But yeah, I mean, I see where they come where they're coming from.
Well, I mean, it's kind of like, you know, I, you know, we used to say something like, man, keep your head low today.
You know, don't, you know, just fucking keep your head down and just kind of bear through it.
Well, they don't bear through it anymore. They go way down.
Everybody has their own way to relax. That's the way I'm looking at it. Everybody has their own way to relax.
Yes.
For me, sitting here doing this is relaxing to me.
Yeah, me too. Me too. I enjoy it.
From my daily, from my daily adulting, this is relaxing to me.
That's great. Well, it's kind of a getaway and escape. It's our art.
You know, everyone has different forms of art. Some people paint.
Yeah, you know, some people play chess, whatever. I mean, you know, some people crochet.
So, you know, whatever. That's what we're doing. We're doing verbal crocheting.
That's what we're doing. Yeah. Yeah. There you go.
Hey, Rob, look at this hat I'm making you. Isn't that cool?
The urge to rot in bed all day, especially as it happens more and more, is likely about something more than just catching up on sleep or needing a day to do nothing.
But avoiding the feeling, stress, and pain of being awake, she said, the sort of behavior...
This is Dr. Gold again.
The sort of behavior has been linked to symptoms of depression and anxiety among other mental health illnesses, Gold added.
There's also their concern about sleep hygiene.
And I learned about sleep hygiene before when I had some insomnia.
And this is when I worked at the old place where one of the dickheads that they put in charge of me...
I mean, they're both psychopaths, but the second one was even more of a psychopath, as much as it pains me to say,
because you never knew what kind of bullshit shit he was going to pull day to day.
And I developed some insomnia because I knew I had to go in there and deal with that stupid motherfucker all day long.
And so I learned about sleep hygiene.
Sleep hygiene is where you have to take care of yourself before you go to sleep.
Take a nice warm shower.
Set the temperature.
I like my bedroom cool, really cool.
So whatever it takes, whether it's windows open or turn the AC down when your vent's full open, a fan blowing on you, whatever.
You have to do all these things.
And then what it is, is your body gets accustomed to it.
Every time you go in there and you have all these things just right, your body is like,
okay, I'm ready to sleep now because this is what we do when you turn down the lights, you turn the fan on high, the air temperature's low.
I just took a warm shower.
You're in your zone.
Yes.
You're in your zone.
Yeah, that would be a good way of putting it.
So that's what they're talking about, sleep hygiene.
And they say if you screw it up, it's really hard to be able to get back to bed and have a regular bedtime.
I understand that.
Yeah.
I do.
Well, I do too.
And I think it's a good idea to do that.
I mean, I don't do it as much now because my work hours have changed and I don't work with a couple of psychopaths like I used to.
Yeah, I'm on a set schedule.
So, yours varies.
Yes, it does.
And I like that now.
I didn't use it well except tonight.
I'm going to go in at 12, 15.
In the morning it's not good.
Oh, sorry.
But...
Hey, just so you know, for like two years I worked midnight to eight.
I've done that too.
Which totally screwed me up because I've always been a day person.
Oh, I...
You know, but I was making good money working for a decent company.
Yeah, I understand that.
Yeah, you know what?
At some point in our life I think everybody has to do some different things like that.
And I was glad that I did take the graveyard shift because I knew that I didn't want to do that ever again.
Yeah.
Yeah, I went back to days.
I mean, that's who I am.
You know.
So...
Hey, did you know that there's a new Missouri driving law coming out?
Nuh-uh.
What is it?
It requires hands-free phone use.
No texting, videos, or social media.
Law goes into effect August 28th.
Uh-huh.
And these are delayed until January 2025 though.
Yeah, that's a little bit late on that, but okay, well...
Yeah, but at least they're going to start pulling people over for it.
Which I think has been a long time coming, myself.
Yeah, I...
I agree.
Because every day I dodge some idiot looking at their phone and they have no idea they almost killed me.
Fucking driving nuts.
And then if you honk and flip them off, they look at you like, what did I do?
And it's like, you wouldn't know what I did, asshole.
Because you were too busy looking at your phone to tell me what I was doing.
You don't know what lane I was in.
I could have been upside down, fucking naked, hanging from the roof.
You wouldn't know because you're too busy to make room to drive because you're so busy in your stupid conversation, probably about Taylor Swift.
Please don't even mention that name to me.
Okay, sorry.
No, no.
I know.
I never will.
Okay, no, I don't...
You're staying.
Don't let me...
Okay.
All right, well, when we come back, I have...
Who has the hurriest asshole?
And I have people put up against each other.
Okay, well, all right.
Well, this is famous people.
Well, I guess we're famous too.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
I have a story behind that one.
Okay.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors and horrible pranks.
What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
May every empty parking space you see in the distance actually contain a motorcycle.
If a 10 pound bag of shit could talk, this is what it would sound like.
Two Shirley temples and a bottle of scotch will be right back.
All right, two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
All right, so as we were talking about before the break, we're talking about hurriest asshole
offs.
So we're going to put up two people against each other and we're going to decide on air
who has a hurrier asshole.
So you had a story to accommodate that, Rob?
No, no.
You said you had celebrities.
Let's do celebrities first.
Okay.
All right.
My first one is King Charles versus Nancy Pelosi.
Nancy Pelosi.
Pelosi out of a second.
That quick.
I think King Charles is so anal in air quotations that he would have someone pluck his asshole
every day.
He don't look very hairy from pictures I see.
Nancy does.
Yeah, Pelosi, she's Italian.
Italian women can get a little hairy too.
Well, there was that deal with what was it?
The hair salon?
Somebody tried to attack her or something?
I can't remember what it was.
Let's see.
Someone attacked her husband at home.
I was unaware of that.
There was something at a hair salon or something.
I'll go back and look into that.
Yeah, this was like a year or two ago.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what?
Look that up and then we'll revisit it on the next podcast.
I know.
But go ahead.
Go ahead.
She's still got my vote.
She's got my vote too.
For the first time ever.
As a matter of fact, when I wrote these out, I already made up my mind Pelosi won that
one hands down.
I think that she has an asshole comb.
I think she parts it in the middle.
I think she braids it.
How about dreads?
Whatever.
Braids, dreads, yeah, it's something.
Okay, this next one's a little harder, but I enjoy it because it's people in the same
field.
So Vince Neil versus Dave Mustaine.
I'm going.
I'm going Dave.
Man, I'm going to go with Vince.
Do you think Vince is hairier than Dave?
I think his asshole's hairier than Dave Mustaine's.
Asshole.
Yeah.
For no apparent reason.
No, no, no.
Vince is a pretty boy.
You know he shades that shit.
Okay.
I knew it today.
You know what?
In Dave Mustaine, he'd take a big hairy shit and probably just be like, man.
Yeah, Dave, Dave, Dave.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
Do you think Dave Mustaine gets all the shit off his ass hair?
Do you think he has so much ass hair that he has to flake off?
I'm guessing he flakes.
Me too.
All right, you won that one.
Dave Mustaine.
Dave Mustaine won the asshole hair off between him and Vince Neil.
Only because Vince is a pretty boy.
Yeah.
You know that motherfucker shades.
All right.
The next one.
Guy Fieri versus Emeril Lagasse.
Now, Guy Fieri is Italian and they traditionally can get pretty hairy.
Yeah.
Emeril Lagasse.
Oh, I think he's Italian too, isn't he?
Yeah, yeah.
He is.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to go with Emeril because I think he's a little bit older and he doesn't
really care about his asshole hair.
Actually, I was going to go Emeril myself too.
His guy's more on TV and more-
No, he takes time to dye his hair blonde.
Yeah.
And he also, he dyes his hair blonde too, which would indicate to me like maybe he would
want the carpet to match the drapes kind of deal.
Oh, exactly.
Yes.
Yeah, you think so too?
Yeah.
Emeril.
Emeril all the way.
Okay.
This next one's a little bit weird.
Reggie Miller versus Larry Bird.
Oh, wow.
I'm going to go with Larry Bird.
I think he has thick blonde ass hair.
Yeah, yeah.
I think I got to agree with you on that one.
Okay.
The curly one.
Yes.
The curly blonde one's hanging out.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think you're right.
I think he has that-
Yeah, it does like his hair.
Yeah, I think he also has that 1970s pub batch down there too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't we agree?
Okay.
And then finally, the last but not least, because I didn't write out too many of these,
I didn't know how it was going to sound.
So this is a preliminary one.
So this is the very first one of Ass Hair Wars.
So Aaron Rodgers versus Kirk Cousins.
Aaron.
He's the one doing shrooms.
He's doing the hippie shit.
Okay.
Aaron.
Okay.
Sounds good.
Kirk's on his new Netflix thing.
No.
It's Aaron.
Okay.
I like it.
Okay.
Aaron it is.
Now Aaron's door can't be opened.
It's closed.
Now Aaron's door can't be opened.
Does he have like the black curly ones fucking popping out everywhere?
I don't know.
I don't care.
I'm a Mahomes fan.
Yeah.
And I'm betting Mahomes doesn't have any.
And my ass was the Aaron fan.
So no.
Okay.
Well Aaron has, yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Aaron Rodgers, we believe you have more ass hair.
He gives my vote for the first time ever.
And me too.
All right.
So this new segment might go somewhere.
It's growing some legs.
Yeah it might.
It might.
It's growing right before us.
Ass hair wars.
Okay.
I got one for you.
Who has a hairier asshole from the first, the original two douchebags in a microphone?
Or is it Tofer?
I've never seen Tofer.
I've seen you.
You.
Okay.
All right.
I bet you I do too.
But I'm going to have to request that Tofer calls in sometime and defends his ass hairs,
however he wants to.
Yes.
Yeah.
He's going to have to.
Yes.
Now.
Tofer that's my challenge.
I have a hairy ass between you and me.
Oh, you do.
I've had a DJ ask me to get off his DJ stand.
To get my hairy ass out of his DJ stand.
And I was saying, what is his exact word.
All right then.
No, no, no.
I've seen your peppers out in Overland Park.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
The college bar, it was a college bar back in the 90s.
I'm familiar with who you're talking about.
Yeah.
I got in riot out there one night.
Now it's seen your frogs.
Huh?
Now it's seen your frogs.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, it was seen your frogs.
That's it.
Oh, it was?
Oh, it never was seen your peppers?
Oh.
No, it was seen your frogs.
You're right.
Okay.
You're right on it.
I'm sorry.
No, that's okay.
No, this was back in the 90s.
So it's been a long time.
I'm trying to remember names and stuff.
But no, this friend of mine invited me to a bachelor party out there.
Uh huh.
And I said, okay, I'll go.
Well then another friend of hers called me and said, hey, can you get your hands on a
G string?
I said, I don't know why.
She goes, can you strip at her bachelor party?
I said, it's seen your frogs.
She goes, yeah, I know.
Well, I happened to know a buddy that was a stripper, male stripper.
He had a G string.
I took her home and washed it thoroughly.
Uh huh.
Went to his bachelor party, ended up standing on the DJ stand.
And the DJ saying, honey, and I'm dancing and just having girls coming up putting dollars
in my G string.
All right, now we're talking.
Yeah, I was having a good time.
And yeah, I've gotten hairier last time you've seen me.
Very happy for you.
He asked me to get my hairy ass out of his face over the microphone.
Great job, Rob.
Great job.
Excellent.
Very cool.
All right.
Well, I like that story.
I think we bring it back.
You know, you can write your head to head challenges like me.
Yeah.
Yeah, like in a couple of podcasts, let's both have our head to head ass off.
I think that one's fine.
Okay.
Either Alan or me stripping down from Millstone Dove.
What I'm saying is, is we have an ass off as in you pit two people against each other
on the ass off and then we can like, and all have mine and then we can have the winner
of each one face each other and we decide on air who wins the hairy ass off.
Okay.
Yeah.
We can do this because you know why the beauty value podcast is?
You can turn it off.
And we pick anybody with one.
Yes.
Doesn't matter.
Everything is game.
Including Sasquatch.
Yes.
Now Sasquatch might win.
No, no.
Sasquatch is out.
Okay.
It's not proven.
All right.
We got something going here.
We're playing ball.
All right.
Hairy Ass Off coming up in a couple of podcasts.
So everybody stay tuned for that brilliant, what would you call it?
That brilliant bit of, oh well.
Whatever.
What do you expect from two people called Two Deuce Bags and a Microphone?
Exactly.
It's all in our name and also you're getting your money's worth.
It's free.
Yes it is.
As our man Topher always said, relax.
You're getting your money's worth.
It's free.
So anyhow.
Oh, you know when I was in Eureka Springs last weekend, right?
Yeah.
I did happen to go by the Black Oak Amphitheater, right?
In Lampe?
Oh did you?
Oh, awesome.
Did you know that August 5th at Black Oak Amphitheater in Lampe, Missouri, Tom Kiefer,
and Cinderella Winger and John Karabi are coming to Black Oak Amphitheater?
Okay, well I think I read off that it was Tom Kiefer and Cinderella.
I didn't know about, yeah.
I don't think the other ones were added yet.
I don't, well I think it was Tom Kiefer and Cinderella.
You can go back and listen.
I gave that report.
Oh you did?
Okay.
But you didn't.
Black Oak.
Okay, they didn't have the other two ones announced yet, did they?
Or did they?
I just missed it maybe.
Okay, forget it.
I don't know.
Okay.
But I know the last one was not mentioned.
Well it was interesting because they really don't have a whole lot of concerts there right
now.
Really?
Yeah.
It seems like maybe for the rest of summer they might have five booked at the most.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh we got concerts everywhere.
Oh by the way there is another concert venue down here I forgot to mention.
Oh yeah, what is it?
It's down on the Bagnolant Strip.
Uh huh.
It's called the Encore.
It's a bar slash amphitheater.
And they get a lot of big names there.
If you're a country fan Tyler Thorne is coming.
He sang a song called Redneck Crazy.
Alright.
No it was a good song man.
Okay.
I say redneck all the time.
It's a term of endearment.
I have a lot of redneck friends.
I love them.
They're great people.
And it's fun.
Just like Heel Billy.
I mean we call, I mean people call me Heel Billy because I'm from Missouri.
Yeah I mean it's not a negative term.
It's a term of infection.
Like if I see you somewhere remember we used to call each other fuckers and assholes because
we love each other.
Not because we hate each other.
People we didn't like we didn't really speak that much about you know.
We came from the outskirts of Kansas City.
Yes.
So we had country and city.
And dude you were all city.
Yes you were all city.
Oh no I'm not arguing that because I did.
I grew up in the city.
But my grandparents had a farm in between Harrisonville and Freeman.
Plus I lived in both.
Yeah.
So I had the best of both worlds.
Yeah.
Yeah that's what's making it.
Well as you know I lived in Cleveland Missouri what 30 years I lived in Kansas City a lot.
You know I mean I lived everywhere you know.
It's our home.
Yeah so.
Unfortunately my mom sold ours.
Oh that sucks.
That property right now is worth a lot.
It's worth a lot.
Yeah.
So.
You know speak about Bagnell Dam right in the new concert venue.
Well I got a story about Bagnell Dam about how almost got killed by a bunch of bikers there.
I ever tell you this story.
How long ago was it.
Oh shit this is 20 some years ago.
Okay because yeah there was a biker story here like a year or two ago.
Oh.
Somebody got killed.
I don't doubt it that could have been me if I didn't get the fuck out of there.
But it was like yeah.
I'll tell you what I'll dig that story up I'll bring it up on another podcast.
Okay.
That'll work.
We're going to record tomorrow night or tomorrow.
I'll bring it up tomorrow.
Okay.
All right.
Well here's what happened to me.
My friend Jenny that we kind of saw each other off and on you know kind of dated here and
never serious just always kind of like you're not doing anything I'm not doing anything
kind of deal right.
Well at the time I was working four 10 hour days and anyhow I was getting off at Thursday
and she sent me a text say what are you doing.
I'm like call her up I go nothing I'm getting ready head home for work.
Well before you head home why don't you swing by pick me up then we'll go by your house
on the way out of there because it's on the way to the lake.
And then you get what you need and let's go spend the three days you're off at the lake.
Hang on let me call my mom says she'll come down take care of the dogs while I'm gone.
Go back.
Okay.
All right.
I'm on my way go down and get her and we just found some cheap motel there.
Well there's no cheap motels there but the cheapest one we could get impromptu deal you
know right there on the strip.
So we're starting to drink you know like there's a bunch of bars here you want to go to a bar
or something see what's going on see if there's any music or something.
Yeah so we walk up and there's this biker bar just a couple of couple of spots up from
the hotel we're at.
So I think I know which yeah I think I know which one you're talking about.
Yeah I think it's still there.
So I think it is.
Okay so.
It's been a minute or two since I've been over there.
They have a front part and then they have a back part there and in the back parts where
all the bikers normally go and the front so and the front parts just like you know the
people coming in off the road they don't go back there they don't want to get caught up
in any of the bullshit going on back there.
Actually I think that may be the same point that the story I was talking about happened
there.
I don't know I got to look into it because I don't remember names.
Anyway go ahead.
Okay well anyhow I started off I go in there and I get us a couple of drinks and we're
sitting down out front.
So Jenny kept walking back there and she'd be gone for like 10-15 minutes and she'd come
back with a couple of drinks.
All right I'll be right back.
Okay then she'd take a couple of sips and I'd be drinking mine.
Then she'd come back like 10 minutes later maybe 15 at the most with another two or three
drinks.
I'm like wow this is cool.
Wow she's buying that's great.
So this goes on for about an hour and a half and she's bringing the drinks back and all
of a sudden this fucking big biker comes around the corner and goes who's that guy?
And I'm like ah ah ah and evidently she was leading these bikers on getting free drinks
from them and fucking bringing them to me.
And he was not amused.
The girl you were with.
Yes and I had no idea.
Dude that's one of the women I've been with in my life.
And I'm sitting there going ah ah ah and she goes it's my brother and I'm like yeah yeah
yeah I'm her brother.
So he goes well then you come over and French kiss me if he's not your brother or if he
is your brother he won't care.
So she comes over there and kind of kisses him just a little bit to get him off her ass
right.
So anyhow he still pisses out will you get me some beers guy?
Okay okay no problem.
So anyhow she's back there and finally she kind of breaks loose from him and anyhow he
comes around the corner he's mad as hell because one of his friends seen her and I kissing
on each other previous right.
So he's going to beat my ass.
So he comes around the corner and somebody's wife got into some sort of an altercation
back behind there and anyhow someone comes around the corner and said I think his name
was Jesse or something like that and he goes Jesse Jesse there's a sew and sew is about
ready to throw down with sew and sew.
And he goes aww shit and he goes you two don't move.
So I fucking grab her and I go you're fucking running with me right now.
We ran all the way back at hotel room and I locked ourselves in for about three hours
to make sure all those fucking bikes were gone out of the front before I came back out.
Dude why didn't you just push her in and take off?
I should have.
You started this shit.
That might have happened if it went on another minute.
I would have been like here you can have her.
I would have already did it.
You can have her she's yours.
The moment he walked up to me I would have said what the fuck.
I was going to cut him a check right there.
I'm here with her.
I would have been straight up.
I was caught off guard and there was like ten of them one of me.
I don't like me on this show huh.
Yeah.
Yes.
So anyhow yeah so that was my story about Bagnell Dam and how I almost got killed by
a bunch of bikers because a female was well the drinks were very appreciated right?
Okay.
Yeah.
But you know not at the expense of me getting murdered over it.
So.
Oh by the way in the lake of the Ozarks news live DWI is what.
Okay hang on hang on hang on hang on.
Let's get the space here because I've got you.
Oh that wasn't on the air?
Yes it was hang on hang on all this was on the air.
Yeah I'm telling my stories on air.
You know what we'll do the promo next time go ahead.
I got you a promo I got the voice guy to talk about now the lake Ozarks news with Rob Rand.
Okay.
We'll start next week.
Okay go ahead.
Let's do that tomorrow.
It's the double one.
Okay.
Yeah.
Just a bunch of DUIs that's it?
Yeah that's it.
Okay.
Do they still stop you on the water with the blue light?
DUI, drug bust that's about it.
No a friend of mine was selling barbecue on a lake house boat or lake boat or whatever
a house boat I guess and I guess you can't have blue lights because that's what the cops
use on the lake.
Yeah.
Yeah they got pulled over and got a big fucking ticket and they couldn't have the blue lights
anymore.
It's like a big ordeal.
Yeah but you can have blue lights on a dock.
I wonder what the big deal was you can't be floating around and have a blue light?
But I thought yeah because yeah because your lights are supposed to be red and white.
Oh okay.
So clear.
Now I yeah.
Blue would represent emergency.
Law enforcement.
Okay emergency that's what it is.
Like red and blue.
Well I was complaining isn't barbecue on the lake an emergency?
Oh always.
Yeah.
There you are starved you're fucking blasted you're sunburned.
You don't have to be on the lake.
Barbecue is an emergency.
It is that's what I thought.
I mean yeah I would argue that.
I miss home.
I gotta go to Walmart to get a Raleigh sauce just to have hometown barbecue.
Well at least they sell it there now.
Yeah thank God.
Yeah because there wasn't.
Other than that it was KT Masterpiece.
I'm sorry to me that's the most disgusting.
Yeah I've never been a big fan.
No it's it's just syrup.
All it is is molasses.
Yeah yeah it's it's money.
It's money.
Money.
That's it.
Hmm.
Well funny we're doing this podcast and Topher just sent me another.
We're gonna go ahead and call this Topher's desk.
Let's see what he sent me here.
Oh okay.
Joe Mixon restructures deal with the Bengals for nine million less over two years.
Ouch.
Yeah yeah because they want a new one.
Well maybe Chris Jones ought to look at that.
Yeah.
Okay well let me see.
Let's see I'm answering back.
Chris Jones needs to Annie.
I think he was stupid.
He should have never left KT.
Oh I.
Chris Jones never did.
Oh he's still.
Oh yeah I was thinking.
Okay I was thinking somebody else.
If you enjoy two new bands in a microphone you'll definitely enjoy a shuffle to the head.
Invisible ass paddling's new douche flavors and horrible pranks.
The fuck is wrong with these guys.
Hey where'd everybody go.
Where are the douche bags.
Oh my god someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man that smells.