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Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,

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from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River,

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it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.

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This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.

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People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.

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One, smell.

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Go to the City Market and start sniffing.

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Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats,

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Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.

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Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.

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Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.

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Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.

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Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors, and horrible pranks?

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The fuck is wrong with these guys?

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Hello, this is Satan.

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You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.

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I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than

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listening to Two Douchebags and Microphone by a nice warm fire at night.

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I sit there and reflect on all the souls I burned that day.

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Enjoy.

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Alrighty.

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We all know Jeffrey Epstein, right?

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That pervert that is dead now or supposedly, right?

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Yes.

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Okay.

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The Justice Department's Office of the Inspector General on Tuesday

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issued a scathing rebuke of the Bureau of Prisons,

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detailing the multiple failures that led to the death of the high-profile

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financier Jeffrey Epstein, following his arrest in 2019,

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but found no evidence to contradict the absence of criminality in his death.

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So, they're saying, well, I'll go on with this,

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but basically what they're saying is they did everything wrong,

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but they weren't in on the kill.

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According to the report, the failures that allowed Epstein time to die by suicide

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in a cell included multiple prison employees failing to conduct rounds

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and cell searches to check on Epstein.

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His access to extra bed linens, which he used to hang himself,

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and failure to assign Epstein a fellow inmate after he was placed on suicide watch.

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The OIG, however, did not find evidence that contradicted the Federal Bureau

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of Investigation determination regarding the absence of criminality

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and connection with how Epstein died, according to the report.

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So basically, like I said before, they're saying that Negotiations

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they're saying that Neglect killed him, but no one was in on some big cover-up,

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which I find not very believable to me.

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Right.

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So, all prison staff members who were interviewed by the OIG said they did not know

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of any information suggesting that Epstein's cause of death was something other than suicide.

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Oh, so they just went and asked prisoners.

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Okay.

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Epstein was arrested in July 2019 on federal charges of sex trafficking minors.

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Then in August, the only 35 days after his arrest, Epstein died by suicide

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by hanging in his jail cell at New York City's Metropolitan Correctional Center,

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where he was being held according to New York City's medical examiner.

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The politically and socially well-connected financiers' death immediately spurned

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conspiracy theories as significant questioning and intrigue over the circumstances.

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Yeah, no shit, really.

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The report indicated the Bureau of Prisons' failings were troubling

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not only because they did not safeguard Epstein, but also because they led to numerous questions

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about the circumstances surrounding Epstein's death and denied Epstein's victims justice.

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Two guards on duty denied of Epstein's death, later admitted to falsifying records at the time.

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According to the initial indictment against two guards on the night of Epstein's suicide,

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both individuals repeatedly failed to complete the required prisoner's check during their watch.

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So, if I was a conspiracy theorist, which I am sometimes, I would say that they were paid off.

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You guys go over here and you play tiddlywinks from 10 to 11, right?

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Yes. Nobody come over here and check on the guy, right? Yes.

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Oh, someone leave this key on the ground. Okay.

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See what I'm saying? Too easy.

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Too many people did not want this guy to yell.

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Too many people did not want this guy to cry or talk.

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If somebody high profile on suicide watch, why wasn't he being watched?

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That's what I want to know.

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That right there raises questions by itself.

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Yeah. Yeah. To me it's ridiculous that it's not being questioned.

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They're acting like it's absurd to question this.

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Which tells me the first reason of why I don't believe them.

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Anytime everyone's like, I don't even get why you didn't even question this.

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Means that you should be questioning it and that they're full of shit and they're trying to hide something.

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Right. Yeah.

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So, I call bullshit on all that. What about you, Rob?

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Yeah, I do too. I mean, there's more to it. Everybody knows it.

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Yep. Yeah. Nobody can prove it though.

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Oh, no one's going to. Let me put it like this. It's going to be kind of like John F. Kennedy's murder.

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Yeah.

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Where like just a couple years ago, I think last year, they actually released everything.

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And, you know, it said that the CIA was in on it, right?

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Well, if anything ever comes to that, all the people that could be prosecuted over it will be dead.

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And therefore, they can let the information out, kind of like Kennedy's murder.

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So, his assassination involved multiple different organizations like they thought.

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And it was probably pretty much for the reasons they thought.

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And they finally just admitted it because there's nobody left.

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Oh. Yeah. So, there you go.

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I've got something a little bit different.

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You know there's such things as ghost lakes. Did you know that?

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Yeah. Yeah. I've heard of that. I've heard of that.

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Okay. Well, to everyone that doesn't know, a ghost lake is a lake that used to be somewhere.

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And then because of climate changes, it changed and it isn't a lake anymore.

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But from satellite imagery, you can still see where the natural lake was.

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So, well, you know, California had all that rain in their so-called winter, what they call winter.

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And they had like massive amounts of rain, which they haven't gotten in years and years and years.

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So, I mean like record, like records of forever records just of rain.

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So, anyhow, this ghost lake reappeared because of that.

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New satellite images released from NASA this week showcase the dramatic reappearance of California's Lake Tiller.

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After water swallowed swaths of land across the state's agricultural center that had long been dry,

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taken between the start of February and the end of April and colored artificially to help distinguish the water from vegetation and bare ground,

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the images highlight the scale of the transformation across the region, still grappling with the aftermath of this winter's heavy rains and snow.

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This isn't the first time the ghost lake has caused widespread flooding, but the onslaught of weather whiplash wreaked havoc on residents,

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agriculture workers and farms, and it's far from finished.

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Tucked against the Sierra Nevada's white-capped peaks, the region will have to reckon with surges of snowmelt filling its waterways as the weather warms.

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On Thursday, the snowpack in the southern Sierra was 436 percent of normal.

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So, it's 436 times more than normal for this time of year, according to California's Department of Water Resources.

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This year's massive snowpack is posing continued flood risks in the San Joaquin Valley,

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said the DWR director, Karla Nemeth, in a written statement noting the bittersweet outcome of very wet winter weather after years of drought.

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The snowpack will lead to sustained high flows across the San Joaquin and Tiller Basins over several months, Nemeth said.

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Widespread damage has already been done. The rapidly rising waters forced evacuations across the region in early spring.

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As communities rushed to higher ground in Tiller County, one of the world's largest milk producing regions,

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thousands of cows were lost to the floods, while roughly 75,000 had to be trailer to safety.

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Growers were washed out of key crops and workers lost out on jobs on waterlogged valleys.

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So, that's what a ghost lake does when it goes awry. So, yeah, interesting stuff, huh?

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Yeah. Lost every time.

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Yeah. I got a question just personal from me to you. I'm just wondering, did you guys get any rain yesterday or not?

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No, but we got a little bit today.

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Oh, you did? Okay.

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Yeah, it rained a little bit this afternoon and it was just raining right before we started.

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Oh, is it raining good or is it like downpours?

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Oh, it was a good little rain, but it was not enough to change any time, enough to get the ground wet by this.

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Oh, okay. Yeah, we need long sustained rains.

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Yeah, we do. We do. Everybody does at this point.

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Yep. Well, it does look like everything big is coming either one of our ways, so.

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No, not in the future. Although, temperatures are supposed to cool off a little bit.

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They did here today. We're down in the mid-80s today after like hundreds or close to.

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Yeah, we were on heating decks as well in like 105, 106.

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So, that front hasn't crossed you guys yet?

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No, no, we're down to the 80s now.

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Oh, okay.

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It's supposed to be in the 80s for the next week, so.

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Okay. I've got this little tidbit that I ran into about Gen Zers.

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You know, Gen Zers are the ones that make fun of us and the baby boomers and all that, and they have stupid little sayings and stuff.

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This is from Fortune Magazine. Gen Zers are still in the early stages of their careers and personal finance journeys,

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but their financial habits are already proven to be radically different from those of their predecessors.

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With heightened levels of anxiety about the future grounded in the very real socio-economic and environmental issues,

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Gen Zers are reconfiguring their approach to money.

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For those beacons of anti-capitalism and pivotal figures in the Great Resignation,

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financial success of the age of the late-stage capitalism looks very different from how other generations may have defined it.

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Gen Zers have encountered their own set of unique challenges entering the workforce at a time of global societal uncertainty from graduating during a global pandemic

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to current fears around inflation, wage stagnation, growth inequality, and an impending recession many feel that the cards are stacked against them.

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A recent study by Fidelity Investments found that 45% of people ages 18 to 35 don't see a point in saving until things return to normal.

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In that same age group, 55% said they put retirement planning on hold during the pandemic.

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Which, you know what, I actually get that. I understand, I was in the same boat. I'm like, you know, what the fuck am I saving for if anything could just wipe you out just like that?

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After a quarter of Gen Z respondents in a McKinsey study said they do not expect to retire, only 41% expect to own a home one day.

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This may be because they're young and such financial goals seem too far away to properly comprehend,

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but national statistics support the fact that traditional milestones like home ownership and retirement are increasingly unattainable.

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The typical first time buyer was 36 years old in 2022, rising from 33 in 2021 at an all time high, coupled with rising student debt.

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It makes the American dream ever less achievable for young people.

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Look, I get that. I get their woes. Look, I make fun of them and everything and they make fun of us, but they got a real shit show that they're dealing with.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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When it comes to financial wellness, Gen Zers place less emphasis on the financial than on the wellness.

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Unlike previous generations, they're unwilling to stick it out at a toxic job to forego travel and experiences in favor of padding their savings.

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Which is you and I. You know what? I worked in a lot of toxic environments with metal and stuff like that.

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I've done a lot of glass stuff. I've done a lot of oxidizing of brass.

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I've done a lot of different lacquer coats and powder coats and stuff and paint lock. It's probably not good for you to breathe, right?

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Yeah. I know. I've been in that both too.

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Not to mention welding, which is horrible on your lungs.

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Oh, yeah. I've worked in big shops with welders.

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Yeah. Same here. So, yeah, that's the thing right there is we forwent safety concerns and health concerns for the padding your savings, if you will.

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Not exactly like we have that many in savings, but yeah.

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The traditional markers of financial success from owning a home to snagging that corner office at work are becoming not only less attainable, but also less valuable for Gen Zers.

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Mental well-being, personal growth and fulfillment are being reprioritized ahead of financial gain.

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Seventy-three percent of Gen Z would rather have a better quality of life than extra money in the bank, and 60 percent are only interested in finances as a way to support their other interests in life.

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Gen Zers are increasingly looking for ways to prioritize quality of life over financial achievement at all costs.

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And the tick-tock trend of soft life and its financial counterpart, soft savings, is a stark departure from the millennial predecessors financial habits, which were rooted in toxic hustle cultures and the girl boss era.

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And if you hear a dog out in the other room, that is because there is a raccoon that comes up to our porch every night and gets whatever it can scavenge.

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And that dog is going nutzo on it because that's what the dog does.

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It's like, hey, there's a raccoon out there. I'm going to go after it, but he can't get to it, so he's going to bitch at it.

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So if you hear that, that's what's going on. If you don't hear it, then it's not going on. I was just joking.

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I was ignoring it.

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Yep. Okay. Some young people have adopted a sort of financial nihilism, whatever the fuck that means, as a response to deteriorating economic conditions.

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Capitalism is kind of really kind of on the outs. They don't view capitalism very favorably.

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So I thought that was interesting. But I mean, I can honestly say if I was in their shoes, I would probably feel the same way.

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You know, you always heard the old joke. You know, people come out, go, everything's ruined. Kind of is. Kind of is.

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So, Gen Zers, sorry. Here's your bag of shit. Go have fun. Enjoy.

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You know, you hear the Pink Floyd song? Come on in, boy. Sit down. Have a cigar you're going to go for.

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Yeah.

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Yeah. God reminds you of that, doesn't it?

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Hey, Gen Z, come on here. Take a seat. Here, have a cigar. Man, you are going to do well. Oh, my God.

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There's so much opportunity out there. Yeah. Oh, man. You're just going to smash the lid off of everything.

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You go get him, tiger.

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Okay.

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Okay.

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All right. And now we turn our attention to Rob Rad. Rob Rad has some stuff that he wants to go over with us.

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So I offered the floor to Rob Rad. Go forth.

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Axl Rose leaks in on Guns N' Roses, has a vocal range of over five octaves.

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He does?

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He also has a lower baritone than Barry White and to reach notes higher than Tina Turner or Beyonce.

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That must have been back in the day.

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It had to have been.

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Yeah. It had to have been. I don't know when they come up with this, but yeah, he definitely can't do that these days.

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No, geez. Wow. No, he can't do it these days, but he didn't really take care of himself that well either.

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No, he didn't. Well, like I mentioned before, you know, he's had a vocal range and he's been losing his voice.

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And that's why. I'm going to hit all the notes, all the nears every night. It's going to take a toll on his voice.

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Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true.

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And I read across a story about Paul Rogers, a longtime Bad Company singer.

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He was with Cream, he was with The Firm. Let's see what else. Yeah, he was with a lot of different ones.

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But yes, oh, he played with Queen. He played with Queen also.

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Yes, he did. Yeah.

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Anyhow, go ahead.

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He's set to release his first new solo album since the 2000s.

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Really?

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Three orders for Midnight Rose are already underway. The eight song LP is due on September 22nd.

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I would check that out.

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You could check out the complete track listing and sample the lead single, living it up.

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I will have to check that out. Is the single out yet or not?

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Uh.

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Alright.

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It shows I can hit it down below and listen to it.

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Okay, don't do it. We can't do it because.

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I was throwing it on YouTube.

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Okay, we can't do it because of copyright, so I'll listen to it afterwards.

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Yeah, I've always liked Paul Rodgers. I haven't been a fanatical fan.

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Like so many people were, that I thought were so talented, like Freddie Mercury idolized Paul Rodgers.

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Right.

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There's other ones too. There's so many people that just like, just think he's the greatest thing ever.

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Well, I liked him but didn't love him. I thought he was okay, but I just didn't care for his style of singing, I guess.

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I mean, it's good, but it's, I don't know.

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I was always a bad company fan.

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Bad company was cool. That's where he was best fitted in with that voice.

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Yes. I mean, he really did fit in well there.

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Yeah, he did. So.

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And I've listened to some of his solo stuff too, over the years.

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I don't know if I've listened to any of his solo stuff. He was always in a band. Like I listened to The Firm. I listened to Cream.

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Yeah.

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I listened to him with Queen. There was another one not too long ago. What was it?

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Oh shit. Well, anyhow, he was in a lot of different stuff. He was involved in a lot of different great music.

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So, and to have all those people so talented, otherwise, I mean, he had to have had something that I couldn't grasp.

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So, anyhow, I mean, but he's still good. I mean, I just didn't see why so many people just thought he was like the best thing ever.

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But anyhow, it doesn't matter because I'm just me.

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Right. Right.

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You got some more stuff or?

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One of the largest manta rays ever caught was by Captain A.L. Kahn off the New Jersey coast in 1933.

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It weighed over 5,000 pounds and was over 20 foot wide.

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Wow.

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That's a big manta ray. That's a big manta ray.

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Huh. Okay.

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Um, you got any more?

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Oh, you got any more?

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Yeah, I do.

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Okay.

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Did you hear about the guy that bought the Lifetime Pass at United Air?

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No.

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Okay. Tom Stoker, 69, has covered more miles in the air than any individual traveler in the history with no plans on stopping.

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After hitting 23 million miles of air travel, he owns his time in the sky to one purchase he made in 1990 when he snagged a United Airlines Lifetime Pass for a whopping 290,000.

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This is in 1990. They offered it.

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Best investment of my life, Stoker told the Washington Post.

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And 33 years after the purchase, the car dealer consultant is still racking up miles and enjoying every second from his favorite seat, 1B.

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So, since the purchase, the New Jersey native has obtained an unimaginable amount of miles which he can sell, trade, or auction along with the perks of staying at luxurious hotels around the globe, exclusive meals at high-end restaurants, and week-long trips through crystal cruises.

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So all that came with it. Wow.

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Man, that guy, yeah. He once went 12 consecutive days without sleeping in a bed after he flew from Newark to San Francisco followed by a trip to Bangkok to Dubai and back, covering four trips around the world and only leaving the skies to visit the United Airport lounges according to the outlet.

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If I spend more time than a week in one place, I'm like, I gotta get back in the air. I'm more afraid to be on the ground than the air, the frequent flyer told the Post in 2019.

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Stoker has been to over 100 countries using his unlimited United Pass and even shares the wealth with his wife, taking her own over 120 honeymoons.

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His passion for flying started after visiting Australia in 1984 for work and falling in love with the country, revealing he's back over 300 times to Australia.

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Stoker says he travels for travel sake, not for work or vacation. I mean, why does Joey Chestnut eat hot dogs, he asked the competitive eating champ. I just really love everything about flying.

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Stoker even had the pleasure of having some celebrities and seat mates like Janet Jackson, Steven Tyler and Bill Murray, who got to leave a personal voicemail to his brother.

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With the thousands of United flights he's taken, Stoker revealed he's even seen four people die while in the air. Wow.

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All heart attacks. I met a couple of them too, just died right there in their seats. The last guy was up in business with me, Chicago to Tokyo.

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He told the Washington Post, they covered him with a blanket and put the seat belt back on. What else could they do?

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In 2019 alone, the father of three covered more than six trips to the moon on 373 flights, adding up to 1.46 million miles.

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The out-of-pocket cost being 2.44 million without his pass, the outlet replied. So for that 300-and-some thousand, he got over 2.5 million flights.

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Stoker's accumulation of miles also paid off on the ground. The cherished United flyer has acquired an abundance of gift cards as a perk as once cashed in $50,000 worth of Walmart gift cards in a single day.

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In the 90s, the miles master bid 451,000 air miles during a charity auction and won a guest appearance on the hit sitcom Seinfeld. His brother even reaped the benefits from his mileage after Stoker completely covered the cost of redoing his home.

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This is what miles that he accumulates for flying. Wow. When Stoker lands at one destination he has to rush to catch a connecting flight. United has a Mercedes waiting on the tarmac so he can cruise to his next gate in style.

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Even though it seems United Airlines would be fuming over Stoker's frequent flights, it's quite the opposite. To show their appreciation to their beloved member, the airline stuck his name on two of their planes and asked for his input to help design the menu in the new Polaris clubs.

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He's even personally greeted by the operator when he calls the company's 1-800 number. The plane has left the terminal for those hoping to be as fortunate as Stoker.

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The snag and snag of United's unlimited pass since the airline has discontinued to offer with no plans of reinstate and a golden air ticket. However, Stoker has some advice for the frequent flyers this summer.

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He says, Lion to the first flight attendant you see on board can help. She's the head attendant, I always say. I remember you. You gave us such a great service last time. I wanted to thank you again. Even if I never met her, I guarantee she'll bring all kinds of free stuff until the outlet.

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Stoker also recommends never checking a bag or overpack for flight, saying, every town has laundromats and stores. If you're looking to snag a particular seat, keep the seat map open on your phone when boarding to see if a blocked seat is available after the cabin door is shut and take it.

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So that's great advice from someone who obviously knows what the hell they're doing. Yeah, boy that guy got his money's worth, didn't he? Yeah. Man, congratulations to Stoker. Excellent. Good job.

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Alright everybody, I think we're going to close this bitch up and fucking wrap it out and just go. So anyhow, Rob and I don't have any closing thoughts or nothing. We're kind of probably just getting ready for the 4th of July, thinking about blowing shit up, right?

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Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeah, so anyhow, everybody be careful. Blow shit up, but be careful. Okay, that's my closing thought. Everybody blow shit up, but be careful.

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Be safe, have fun. Yep. Alrighty. And if I don't like you, I continue to say fuck you and if I like you, big hug. Read up on it sometime. Alright, we'll be talking to you.

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The bowl we will clap by this old guy that I knew that was in Vietnam. I probably should say, well you know what, you can take this part out of here if you like it and we can put it somewhere.

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But this old guy that I knew down the road from me that was in Vietnam, he told me that one day, you know him and a couple of guys got a day off from the war.

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So they went into the nearest town to go look for some hookers. You know, they're like, you know, if we're going to die, we're going to get laid. So, okay, alright.

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So they go in there and I guess the Viet Cong loaded the prostitutes full of stuff called the bowl we will clap. Yeah. Oh, it is.

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So anyhow, he said, you know, they all went and, you know, did what they needed to do. You know, they thought they were all going to die. So they went and they got laid.

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And the next day when a guy comes in, he goes, oh my God, he goes, I hurt so bad. You know, my fucking dick hurts like hell. My stomach hurts. I think I'm going to die. What'd they do with those damn hookers?

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So anyhow, and he started hurting really bad. He said it hurt so bad you could hardly breathe. You could feel it in your dick shaft. It hurts so bad. So they all go in and I guess it's like a horrible infection.

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And if you don't get treated, it will kill you. Like, you know, go up your scrotum and your testicles. And anyhow, the only cure back then was is they had to take this glass rod, shove it in the end of your penis.

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And mash it with a rubber mallet. And then they have to physically squeeze all the infection out of your penis.

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I've heard of this. Yes. And this took like four hours of mashing this rod and then squeezing all the infection out. Because if they don't get all the infection out right then, it flares right back up. Yes. Seals your pee pee shut. Yes.

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Yeah, that was the old joke of, you know, oh, there's, you know, if you catch VD, your dick's going to turn black and fall off. But there are actually. That was worse case scenario. Yeah. It actually will turn black and fall off because the tissue will die.

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Yeah, it's kind of like a grand, a gangrene type of deal, you know, or something like that. So anyhow, yeah, he said after that, he said, no, no more hookers.

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So our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity. Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents job.

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From the makers of who bit my asshole board game and then blew it up with ball sacks video series. It's two douchebags in a microphone action figures. Act now and get a free bag of flaming hot Cheetos, a bottle of antibiotics and three free bullets. That's right. Dress your douchebag up and send them off to horrible scenarios all day long. Or you're soon to get a free at home tent piercing kit. That's right. Free home tent piercing kit. New from Chizbro.

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When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water because nobody likes a stinky asshole.

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The boll weevil clap. Read up on that sometime. The boll weevil clap and this old guy that I knew that was in Vietnam. I probably should. Well, you know what? You can take this part out of here if you like it and we could put it somewhere. But this old guy that I knew down the road for me, there was a Vietnam. He told me that one day, you know him and a couple of guys got a day off from the war.

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So they went into the nearest town to go look for some hookers. You know, they're like, you know, if we're going to die, we're going to get laid. So, okay. All right. So they go in there and I guess the Viet Cong loaded the prostitutes full of stuff called the boll weevil clap. Yeah. Oh, it is.

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So anyhow, he said, you know, they all went and, you know, did what they needed to do. You know, they thought they're all going to die. So they went and they got laid. And the next day when a guy comes in, he goes, oh my God, he goes, I hurt so bad.

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My fucking dick hurts like hell. My stomach hurts. I think I'm going to die. What they do with those damn hookers. So anyhow, and he started hurting really bad. He said it hurts so bad you could hardly breathe. You could feel it in your dick shaft. It hurts so bad. So they all go in.

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And I guess it's like a horrible infection. And if you don't get treated, it will kill you. Like, you know, go up your scrotum and your testicles. And anyhow, the only cure back then was is they had to take this glass rod, shove it in the end of your penis and mash it with a rubber mallet.

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And then you have to physically squeeze all the infection out of your penis. I've heard of this. Yes. And this took like four hours of mashing this rod and then squeezing all the infection out because if they don't get all the infection out right then, it flares right back up. Yes. Seals your pee pee shut. Yes.

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Yeah, that was the old joke of, you know, there's, you know, if you catch VD, your dick's going to turn black and fall off. But there are actually. That was a worse case scenario. Yeah. It actually will turn black and fall off because the tissue will die.

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Yeah, it's kind of like a grand again green type of deal, you know, or something like that. So anyhow, yeah, he said after that, he said, no, no more hookers.

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Hey, where do they go? Where the douchebags? Oh my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez. Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man, that smells.