Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River,
it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum,
two douchebags and a microphone.
Oh Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
Clown nose, just put one in your mouth and you'll be fine.
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
Two thimble dicks and a crash cart will be right back.
Rob, do you want Rob's ranch? Is that what you're asking?
Oh, okay, that's going to come later at the end of the podcast.
Okay, well hey, hang on, okay, a little misunderstanding there, sorry.
I have insults to shut people down with.
There you go.
Yeah, and this comes from one of these newer websites.
You know, it's talking about the new, what the hell is the name of it?
The New Urban Contemporary Dictionary for Young Adults or whatever the fuck it was.
Oh, that goddamn thing again.
No, no, no, no, this is a website like that.
This is Younger People's Insults.
But it's one of these websites that I've been searching, it was given to me,
because I've been looking up bullshit like the New Contemporary Urban Dictionary of whatever.
Yeah, that's what I thought you were talking about.
Yeah, I already forgot the name.
I actually found out what the name of it was and I forgot it, but anyhow.
These are what they say, Younger Insults, Younger People's Insults, what they think is funny.
They think this is funny and the stuff we say is not.
And some of them are pretty funny from what I'm just like kind of skimming over here.
Okay, first one is if someone says something to you and then you go,
Someday you'll go far and I hope you stay there.
Eh, okay.
Okay, that, yeah, that sounds like something we would have said.
Yeah, I don't know about these websites.
I think I'm fucking batting about like 50 right now, 0.50.
I'm going to read them anyhow, what the fuck.
Yeah, that's what I thought you were talking about.
Oh, this one, okay, okay.
I didn't read it all, but I think, okay.
And unless someone badgers you about something, you go,
I love what you've done with your hair.
How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
Oh my God.
That one's pretty good.
That made me snicker.
That's a good one.
That is a good one.
Now this next one's easy to read and I couldn't help but read it all and it's pretty good.
You're a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
That one's pretty good too.
I like that one.
Yeah, I like that one.
Oh, this next one I've heard before, but I like it.
You bring everyone in this room joy when you leave.
I've heard that a few times.
I've seen it on signs.
Not towards me.
Everyone that enters this business brings us joy.
Some people when they walk in, some people when they leave.
You ever see that one?
Yeah, I have.
Okay.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Oh, this one's good.
Now this is younger insults that they say this is stuff they find funny that they think are old funny, duddy shit is not funny.
They think this stuff is funny.
Some of it is good, but I still think we've had better insults, don't you?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Anyhow, keep rolling your eyes.
You might eventually find a brain.
That's good.
It's solid.
Yeah, it's solid.
I mean, it's not like a real knee slapper or nut tugger.
It's just kind of like, okay.
Oh, this next one is fucking awesome.
Listen to this one.
You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.
Oh, I like that.
That one's good.
I remember that one.
I will give him that one.
I got to give it.
That's the best one so far.
That is really good.
Yeah, I'll give him that one.
This next one's pretty good, but you got to think about it in a second.
It's impossible to underestimate you.
I want to get you a couple seconds after.
You're like, okay.
Okay.
I got it.
Yeah.
This next one, I used to say to people a long time ago, and evidently, they think they came up with it.
I'll never forget the first time we met, but I will keep trying.
That's an old one.
Yeah, but it's still good.
They didn't come up with it.
Next one, this is good.
I'm not insulting you.
I'm describing you.
I like that one.
This next one is really good, too.
I like this one priced second, next to the gaps in the teeth.
Don't worry.
The first 30 years of childhood are the hardest.
Oh, I got so many I want to tell that, too.
I got a few people I can tell that to.
Yeah.
I'm under 40.
Yep.
Switching gears here.
Do you like iced tea?
I'm not talking about the artist.
I'm talking about the drink, iced tea.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's my main drink.
Okay.
Do you like the Arizona brand?
No, I make my own.
Okay.
Well, have you had the Arizona brand?
Yeah, I have had it.
Do you like it?
Is it okay?
It's all right.
Okay.
Well, Arizona brand has come out with hard iced tea, real brewed iced tea.
So here's what it says here in the foodandwine.com says this.
We've officially hit the summer solstice, which means it's time for barbecues, picnics, and other sunny afternoon activities with friends.
And it's time of the year when many of us reach for a cold can of Arizona iced tea, except Rob doesn't.
He brews his own.
Yes, I do.
But do you do sun tea or do you do like brewing over like Lipton tea or what, you know, or Luzi?
I just have tea bags in a pan.
Oh, you heard it right there.
Rob likes tea bagging.
It was right there, Rob.
Sorry.
So not only does he want ass up, not only does he like ass up face turned around, but he likes tea bagging too.
So keep that in mind when you're sending him the male body parts pics.
Well, that just shows you what I'm looking at.
You like the danglers, huh?
Okay.
So let's see.
Where the fuck was I now?
Okay.
Many of us reach for a can of iced tea, Arizona iced tea.
Now Arizona is delivering that experience too.
This summer, Arizona beverages is bringing its fans a spiced up adults only version of its famous iced tea with the launch of Arizona hard, a malt spiked drink originally launched in Canada in 2020,
which, according to a press release, features the same iconic taste Arizona is known for with five percent alcohol.
So it's a beer.
It's it's the strength of a beer only it's iced tea with alcohol in it.
The drink is available in three Arizona already iconic flavors.
Man, this is like a fucking the way this article is written.
It's like a it's an advertisement for Arizona basically.
So lemon peach, green tea and the regular, you know, what you call it the black picoa tea or whatever it is or like the lip tins and all that.
So anyhow, it's so it's got three flavors and be traditional, I guess.
And then the traditional has ginseng in it.
And then the let's see, they have one with lemon and then one with peach.
It looks like ginseng, lemon and peach are the flavors in these.
And the green tea, they lost me right there.
OK, the green the green tea has ginseng and the real brewed iced tea has lemon in it like, you know, lemon in your iced tea.
And the hard other tea is a real brewed iced tea with peach.
So I wish tea and sugar.
OK, so anyhow, according to the statement, the green tea flavors made with 100 percent real brewed tea with ginseng extract and just the right touch of honey.
While the Arizona lemon tea hard is created with premium steep black tea.
Oh, it did have black tea in it. OK.
Balance with citrus notes. OK.
To create an adult version of the flavor.
All I had to do is read the article instead of like looking at the can and guessing.
Finally, the Arizona peach hard tea offers authentic brewed tea with a peachy, juicy peach flavors and aromas you can expect from the original.
So there you go.
If you're a fan of iced tea and you like Arizona tea, you can get you can get the goods.
So there you go. Yep.
So the next thing that I have on the agenda here is, you know, that Jiffy Lube and Good Humor Ice Cream have teamed up to give free maintenance on all ice cream trucks this summer season.
OK, I thought you were going to go somewhere else.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
OK, Jiffy Lube and Good Humor. Good Humor.
They sell a lot of their stuffs out of trucks. Yeah, doing maintenance on the trucks.
Yeah. Yeah. OK.
So anyhow, they're saying the rising costs has been like really stopping a lot of the ice cream trucks from going because people can't afford to service the trucks.
And they don't make that much per bar anyhow.
And ice, you know, ice cream trucks have become a joke, really, haven't they?
Yeah, they have.
Yeah. So it's not as popular as it used to be.
So people aren't probably not shopping from there as much.
And, you know, because of all the implications, you know, you're like, oh, here comes the creepy ice cream trucks.
What Mr. Creepy used to like drive around in, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. So. Hey, hey, never mind.
Oh, go ahead. No, no, never mind. Never mind.
OK. Mr. Creepy is going to come back.
I know he will.
Yeah, he's going to. He's going to. He's he's fine in his way.
And he's been gone too long.
Yes. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Did we summon him?
Is that him?
I hope not.
What's going on, you fuckers? You guys suck.
I'm glad you got rid of that Topher idiot. But this Rob guy is just as bad.
And Mark, you're a fucktard.
Get out of here, Creepy. Leave. Fuck you guys.
I'm the real star.
Oh, he's gone. Well, there you go.
We didn't get rid of Topher, by the way. He's coming back.
Yes, he is.
Yeah. And he's going to beat your ass, too.
I'm telling him what you said.
Yes, he's going to beat three on one.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yep. Yep.
And then we got that special thing we got for him. You know that thing?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got that special thing, that secret special thing.
Yeah. You're going to think twice, Mr. Creepy. When you get that special thing. Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah, yeah. He's nowhere to be found now. He knows the things now.
He knows the special thing is ready.
So anyhow, what the fuck? You know what? Jiffy Lube, good for you.
All right. We're going to have some good ice cream now, right? Yeah. Woo-hoo. Yep.
Okay. All right. So if you see that familiar sound,
that guy chugging down the road in the ice cream truck,
ask him if he takes his truck to Jiffy Lube.
And if he doesn't, inform him that he can get free maintenance.
I think that includes sexual, too, doesn't it?
Pretty sure. I don't know. I'm pretty sure it's Jiffy Lube.
It's a lube. I don't know. Yeah.
Jiffy Lube, that would indicate that, like, they do other things, right?
I don't know, Lord. I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure.
I'm going to try to look for the... Hang on.
Let me look at the fine print here and see what I can find.
Hang on. You take that one.
Okay. Okay. This is parody, everybody.
You know. You know this is parody, okay?
No, Jiffy Lube is not going to sexually service these ice cream truck people.
Okay? I think we all know this.
But for the sake of parody and fun and laughter and tongue and cheeks and ha-has and oh-shits,
we're going to put that in there.
Okay. Anyhow, Jiffy Lube, it's actually probably a good thing what they're doing.
Sighting burdensome rising operational costs, Jiffy Lube has teamed up with an iconic ice cream maker.
Good humor to offer free vehicle maintenance to ice cream trucks and vans.
Oh, the good old van. Yep. There we go.
The announcement from the brand states,
any ice cream truck that meets the Jiffy Lube vehicle qualifications can apply for a complimentary maintenance voucher that can be used.
Oh, it's only one time.
Fuck that. You know what? No. No.
Cheap. Cheap. I'm sorry. My cheap alert just went off.
Yep. Cheap alert.
Do it all summer. Don't do it at all, Jiffy Lube.
And then you got to qualify for it. What's that? I mean, you know.
Well, come on. We're not going in July already.
Yeah. Yeah.
Summer's about over. Yep.
Half over. If I was Valvoline, I would come up with something else.
I would like, let's see, what could Valvoline come up with to top that?
Let's see. We're going to change this for a year.
Oh, there we go. Yeah. I think pedicures.
Everybody that drives an ice cream truck loves a pedicure.
I think free pedicures.
So there's usually a Valvoline right next to a Jiffy Lube, right?
Well, hey, if you're going to throw a pedicure, you've got to throw a Nanny Curve because everybody sees it.
Oh, no, no. That's Walmart. That's Walmart. I haven't got there yet. I haven't got there yet.
I'm talking about the ice cream trucks. No, that's what I'm talking about.
Okay, so here you have a system, okay?
You go to Jiffy Lube, and there's always a Valvoline right next door because they compete, right?
You go into Jiffy Lube, okay, and then they're getting their maintenance on the truck.
Then you go over to Valvoline, point your truck out, and get your pedicure, okay?
Then when you're done with that, you drive a mile to the next Walmart, okay?
Because there's never one more than a mile off, so you drive to Walmart and you get your manicure, okay?
Let's see, what can McDonald's do in this now?
I don't know what Walmart you're going to to get a manicure, but that don't happen down here.
No. Just saying.
Okay, all right, I take it all back. I take it all back. Bad idea.
I'm sorry, I had to call you out.
That's okay.
I'm just trying to know if Walmart does well.
That's okay. I've got a, you know, you can't win them all, right?
You know, there's only one Mona Lisa, right?
Right, right.
Okay, so there you go. They're not all gems. Every now and then you come up with one.
Like I said, it would help if we could see each other's faces.
At this point, I don't know. I don't know if they could save this abortion right now.
Well, at this point, I said that one, I said, I can't just call you out. I'm like, what?
All right, I've got a story that I've done quite a while ago and you listen to every podcast so you know this.
There is a amendment, not an amendment, there is another story that happened after the story because there's some litigation going on.
Remember the Georgia auto shop that dumped the guy's final paycheck in oily pennies on his driveway?
Yes, yes.
Okay.
Yes.
Well, here it is. This is from CNN.
The Georgia auto shop owner who in 2022 paid one of his employees his final wage by dumping 91,500 oil covered pennies in his driveway has been ordered by a federal judge to pay nearly 40,000 in additional back wages and damages to his employees court records show.
Miles Walker, owner of A-OK Walker Auto Works in Peachtree City, Georgia, A-OK. That's my third.
Would you ever go to an auto parts, not auto parts, but a mechanic shop called A-OK Auto?
There used to be an A-OK auto shop there in South King City.
Oh, was there?
You say. You say. Yes.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
In Peachtree City, Georgia was ordered to pay back wages in the total amount of $19,967.09 plus liquidated damages in the amount of $19,967.09.
The consent judgment shows last year the US Department of Labor filed a lawsuit against Walker for violating federal labor law after he retaliated against a former employee who contacted the agency when he didn't receive his final paycheck.
He eventually paid the ex-employee named Andreas Flaten with roughly 90,000 pennies and a note expressed in a short expletive. Expletive. So price said fuck you or something.
Flaten, Flaten, Flatane, or Flatane, I think it's Flatane, quit his job at A-OK after an argument with his boss and contacted the Labor Department in January 2021 to say he was owed $915.
The next day, Walker received a call from the department and said he would not pay Flatane, Flatane or whatever hours later.
He decided to pay him in pennies.
How can you make this guy realize what a disgusting example of human being he is, the lawsuit claim Walker said. I've got plenty of pennies. I'll use them.
US District Judge Timothy Batten's additional additionally instructed Walker not to threaten or intimidate verbally in writing or retaliate or discriminate against any current or former employee of A-OK. Walker, the judge, the judge ruling resolved a civil action filed by the US Department of Labor Department case.
And I guess like the other part of it is so okay, it seems like the money that he got was half and half. Half what he owed of him, half of it was because it was bullshit that he would dump all that there.
So it was kind of like punitive damages.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Anyhow, pretty interesting. All right. And now we have Rob with a few tidbits, odds and ends. This is and that's and oh shit's and giggles and what have you.
So, Rob, the floor is yours.
Hey, do you feel like giving out the phone number again? 816-217-7717. That is the two douchebags and microphone hotline.
There's an answer that I would really like an answer to. All right. I've never heard of a psychic winning a lottery. Can anybody answer that? If you can call that number, please answer that for us.
I've got it. The real psychics are not telling you they're psychics because they're busy winning all the lotteries.
Hello, this is Satan. You might know me from my pet name, inflation. I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two douchebags and microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I've burned that day. Enjoy.
Hi there. This is fucknut from two fucknuts and recorder podcast.
Two douchebags and microphone are our favorite podcast ever. Please go to your friend's computer and download it from there. Go to your church's computer and download it from there.
Go to people you don't know and grab their phones and download it on there. These fuckers need all the help we can get.
Oh shit. What's that over there? Oh no. It's island of horrible jokes.
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods. It's harder to deter gents.
All the crackpots are lying to you because they're not going to win the lottery and they need your money.
Okay, well, okay.
I don't know. I don't know. I just picked that out of my ass. I don't know.
I see. That makes sense.
Yeah, if I had psychic ability to win the lottery, I would not tell anyone. I would just go win the lottery.
No, you know, you make sense like usual.
Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, man.
That's just what I was saying. You got your team up with it.
Okay, here, here. Let's just do a little pretend, okay? All right. You and I are in a room, right?
And I just figure out that I'm psychic. I'm like, wow, this is fucking cool. All right. So I walk in.
Hey, what's up, Rob? What's going on, man?
We're playing here. I'm walking into a room. I just learned that I'm psychic, okay?
So this is another one where if we saw each other, it would help.
So we're real playing, okay? I just found out I could like I have psychic ability, okay?
So I walk into a room, okay? So here we go. Three, two, one, cut, go. All right.
Oh, hey, Rob. What are you doing here, man? What's up?
I'm just hanging out. Yeah, yeah. Yep. Same here, man. So how you been? What's been going on?
I know this a little bit. Yeah, yeah. I got you. Yeah, I was reading a book on psyche because of how much bullshit they are.
I mean, there's like none of them that are real. You know that? Yeah, I've heard that.
Yeah, I don't believe any of them. I think they're all full of shit, man. Oh, hey, hey, look at the time. I got to go, man. I'll talk to you later.
All right. Yep. Okay, Rob. Good seeing you. All right, bye.
You know what I'm doing after I leave? I'm going to buy the lottery tickets.
That's how that would go if I found out I was psychic.
Well, I love you too, man. No, I'd give you money. But I wouldn't tell anybody.
It's like, man, how the hell did Mark win three fucking lotteries in a row? It's crazy.
Man, just don't look, Rob. So, okay, here, I won three lotteries. Okay. Here. I'm walking in the same room again. You're in there, right? Okay.
You're more like strumming on a guitar or some shit, you know, trying to figure out a F chord or something. Okay. All of a sudden.
Hey, Rob, what's up, man? Yeah.
I'm trying to I'm trying to role play again. We need to see. Okay. All right. So I just won three lotteries. Okay. All said. Okay. Let's try this again.
Yeah. Oh, hey, Rob. What are you doing here, man?
Yeah, same here, man. Well, I came into some really great luck for no apparent reason.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Three lotteries in a row. I can't believe that. That is so crazy.
Yeah. Yeah. A friend of mine just told me to play a couple lotteries, you know, that that they felt I was lucky and I just went and played them and I played three in a row and I won every one of them. That is crazy, man.
Hey, hey, look, you want to come out, look at my new cars.
I'll probably give you one. Come on, man. Let's go look at my cars. Come on.
I'm a little busy here. All right. All right, Rob. Okay. I just want you to know I'm not psychic.
Yeah. Okay. So much for that. And anyhow, let's see. You were not going to fucking play, were you?
No, I don't know. Did you hear about the blood red crickets that invaded a Nevada town? No, that I did not hear about.
Okay. All right. They didn't win the lottery there. That's for damn sure. Matter of fact, they lost the fucker there.
I don't play a lottery. So you lost me at the lottery. Okay. Elko Nevada Associated Press.
Dana Dolan was driving through her small Nevada hometown when she thought she had come up upon a gory crash.
The ground surrounding Elko's stretch, Interstate 80, looked as if it had been covered in blood.
As the red color shifted and moved, she realized instead it was an infiltration of crickets, some bigger than her thumb.
It's almost like a biblical plague, Dana told the Associated Press last week, laughing at the absurdity of the situation that is playing out in Elko, where she's lived for six years.
Tens of thousands of Mormon cricket eggs. Mormon cricket eggs? It is in Nevada. Tens of thousands of Mormon cricket eggs. I guess they're called Mormon crickets.
Buried about an inch deep in the soil, began to hatch in late May and early June for weeks.
The red critters have been invading swaths of northern Nevada and causing chaos, said the state's longtime entomologist, Jeff Knight.
The invasion of the cannibalistic crickets has hit especially hard in Elko, a small town of about 20,000 near Idaho and Utah, known for its gold mining.
The big red bugs leave behind a stench so horrible, she says it smells like burning flesh, that it forces residents to plug their noses while driving.
The critters stick to tires in the bottoms of shoes, and their carcasses are everywhere, even in gyms where they move. It sounds like rain, Dolan says.
Residents and workers have tried to use brooms, leaf blowers, pressure washers, and snow plows to get rid of the crickets, only for them to return.
State officials have erected signs throughout Elko County, warning drivers of slick highways, a popular hangout spot for insects that won't think twice about eating their dead friends.
The Polar Opposites lost big time on this thing.
This sucks.
I don't know. I will read this article to you and we'll both make that determination.
I'm digging into this article.
Climadomonas nivalis, the scientific name for watermelon snow, occurs when a bacteria called psychotrophic begins to grow in cold environments, according to a study published by the National Library of Medicine.
Algae is a source of bacteria, and that's what turns patches of snow into a pink or red hue.
Well, you know, I mean, when algae gets in water, they get the brain-eating amoeba that kills people. You know, people dive into lakes and they get that amoeba and it kills their brain, eats it. Because of Alberto, a reflective surface of the snow is decreased when it happens.
The amoeba may melt quicker, speeding up the melting rate of glacier studies have found. The watermelon snow phenomena usually happens in the spring and summer, as seen on the Presna glacier in the Italian Alps in 2020.
Researchers with the Institute of Polar Sciences in Italy's National Research Council warned watermelon snow could intensify with climate change. In fact, low snowfall during the winter and high spring-summer temperatures create the perfect environment for the development of this algae.
So that's not good news. So watermelon snow is not good to eat and not good for anything, apparently.
Oh, that's good to know.
Yeah. So, anyhow.
Alright, enough of the watermelon snow. We turn our attention to Rob here. Rob Rad?
Okay, one of the greatest minds of humanity, Albert Einstein, believed that ghosts are real.
I could see.
He said all the energy of the universe is constant. And since this energy cannot be destroyed, this can be transformed into new energy or creation of ghosts.
Okay.
Yeah, I thought that was pretty good.
Yeah, well, I'm kind of up in the air on that subject.
I'm a little bit of everywhere on that subject.
Yeah.
Let's see. Albert Einstein also is the guy that says that we can time travel if you go counterclockwise around the Earth. Is it at the speed of sound or the speed of light? I can't remember.
I think it's the speed of light.
Albert Einstein was really, he was really intelligent, obviously, and I respect so much of his work. I couldn't just deny anything he said on the surface.
So, I'm holding my judgment on that. I think I will never truly know the answer to that until one fateful day. And I think that's probably true for most people.
You can suspect, you can think, you can analyze, you can come up with hypotheses, you can all kinds of things. But the only true way to know is the way we don't want to know right now, do we?
No, we don't.
So, okay, well.
I got another one that's kind of hits the spot.
Okay.
All right.
It may be just a short little read. I don't know if you bought.
Okay.
Five teens, including four who worked at St. Steakhouse killing car crash.
Oh.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you're. Yeah.
We've been asked many, many years ago.
Oh gosh. Well, okay, you may not know about this. But one of the places that we used to party at.
And this is a couple of years ago when they found it. But there's this lake that we used to, well, large pond that we used to party out off of Kenneth Road. Do you remember that place?
Yes, I do.
Okay. Well, we used to party around there because nothing but fields. Now it's like the back end of Lock Lloyd's there and there's like maybe some soccer fields and stuff. Yeah.
Well, a couple of years ago, they were like draining it to like widen it or get all the sludge out of it or something. And they found a car.
And anyhow, this car was from someone back in the 60s that vanished.
What happened is, is back in the 60s, he was on his way home on Kenneth Road. He swerved off for one reason or another and went right into that lake. And he was never discovered.
He was just known as missing for ever since the 60s. And he in fact, he was in his car in that lake. They found his skeletal remains still in that car.
So he went into that lake that we used to party around. And he was there since the 19 dickety whatever, 65 or whatever, 68 or whatever.
Whenever that happened. And they always had him down as missing because him and his car were gone. You know, they're both gone.
So it was assumed like maybe he took off somewhere. They didn't know. But nobody ever saw a trace of him ever again.
And that was not solved until a couple of years ago when they found the car and the guy, the guy's remains still in it.
Wow. Yeah. And this is one of the lakes that we used to party around. Yeah.
Well, large pond because when they went out there, you know, all we're trying to do is just stay away from people and have a good time.
You know, we didn't need people blowing us into the cops. Yeah. We didn't need people blowing us into the cops or nothing. So we go find a nice.
I remember the clearing over there on Blue River that we used to go to. Yeah. Yeah. That was a great place until the devil.
The devil worshippers tried to take it over that one night. That was a little weird. So yeah, that was not fun getting chased by.
That was a fun night. That was a fun night. But when they found out they're coming at you with fucking those things they had on fire, those clubs, those those.
Yeah. Yeah, that was crazy. We had those. But we didn't back down, did we? Well, not at first, but there's so many of them.
I mean, there's nothing we could do. I mean, you know, I don't know what the hell they're doing. They're fucking sacrificing a goat or something.
Who knows? But I don't know what they were doing, but they did not like us being there for a few seconds. Yeah.
Yeah. But the clearing was really cool until then. And then everyone's kind of freaked out about it.
But we did go back there a couple of years later. There's no sign of anybody.
So I mean, yeah, we kind of ran that night because there's so many of them. But we did win that because we did come back and party eventually.
So, yeah. Yep. So anyhow, that was that was interesting.
I didn't think you'd known about that because I believe you're probably living in the Ozarks when that news came out.
I just said, they're going, that's the pond. That's the party pond. Fuck.
So, no, you're just describing where it was. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. But you didn't know about the guy being found there, did you?
No, no, I did not know about that. Yeah. Yeah. I know the pond. Yep. Yep. Strange days indeed. Yeah.
Many, many years ago. Most peculiar, mama. Come back to hell. Alright. So let's see. You had some more stuff you want to get to?
Well, I got my When You Think You're Having a Bad Day.
Go right into it. And then this time I am prepared with a final thought. Myself and you have Rob's rant maybe.
Go ahead with you think you're having a bad day.
I'll tell you, when you think you're having a bad day, remember, in 2007, a couple from Bosnia started cheating on each other in chat rooms.
When they decided to meet in person, they realized they'd been cheating on each other with each other.
But now think about that. That was in 2007. How many times has that happened since?
Oh, probably all the time. A lot of people probably don't know. They probably will never know.
Yeah. I turned that one in front of the fact into that. So, go ahead.
And that's Bosnia? Yeah. Yeah, it was Bosnia.
Okay. Well, alright. I can believe that those kooky Bosnians, they're always up to some sort of crazy.
Yeah, you don't let the Bosnians out of your sight, man. They're fucking running amok, going nuts, fucking getting silly.
Well, I made fun of that. You asked that, you.
Skipping around the maples, playing slap ass, those nutty Bosnians. They're crazy. They're silly. They're just silly. That's what it is. They're silly. Anyhow.
You got some more? No, go right ahead, buddy.
Well, I've got my final thought. Do you have a rant or a final thought?
No, that was it. I'll do the rant another time.
Okay. Well, we will end this program on my final thought.
Let's do it.
Alright. Mark's final thought. Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the purest forms of love.
Unless you're in prison.
Da da da da da da.
Amen, bruh.
Alright. Everybody, I'm so glad we had this time together to sing a song or two.
I don't know the rest of it. The Kerbernet song?
I don't know.
Yeah, fuck it. You know what? I'll learn it and the next one I will repeat it.
Anyhow, bye fuckers. Have a great night.
Not responsible for greasy residue left on your Bluetooth.
No! No!
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Mate, you forever feel yourself a library in the pocket. It's not even in there.
When we were in high school, we had this guy, fucking corn-fed piece of crap.
Anyhow, his nickname was Biggin.
So, anyhow, Biggin was like a big run-stopper and really not worth anything except that.
He just takes up space.
Takes up space and that's it.
So, we'd be doing practices and Biggin would be hard to get around.
He's just this huge fucking lump of shit.
So, anyhow, Biggin was... That was pretty much it.
Damn it, here I am like I'm prepared because I only ever written down and I thought I could just do it.
So, okay, Biggin was this run-stopper and he was dirty.
What he'd do is whenever you're in the middle of the dog pile, at the bottom of the dog pile,
he'd grew his fingernails out and he would sharpen them.
His index finger and his thumb. He'd grow them out and sharpen them.
So, what he would do is when you're in the bottom of the dog pile, he would get right up...
You'd wear a jog strap, of course, you know.
And he'd get right up against your nuts and just like pinch the fuck out of you so bad,
it would be black and blue for a month. It'd draw blood.
So, yeah, and then even worse, whenever his helmet would be knocked off,
which was often because we were a small school and I remember Center gave us some helmets that were extra.
They got new ones and Notre Dame did, Notre Dame de Signe did,
and real football programs gave us free helmets.
Yeah, but they already beat the crap.
They already beat the crap and used.
And actually, we had to put our own logos on them because they were what?
We had to make sure they were white helmets that way we could put the blue horn on there
or the purple horn for a Viking on there.
Yeah.
So, it started to beat all day with the new fucking horn on them.
And none of them would ever fit. They're always loose. We never could get them to fit, right?
I don't know if all that beading made them cockeyed or something.
Yeah, mashed the foam down in weird ways.
Yeah, so we always had these helmets that would like fly off of us constantly.
But that was one of the things about being in that type of a school,
that small of a firm school, was the revenue wasn't really high that they were getting.
So, you had to have a football program. It consisted of, number one, paying the school.
We had to pay the school to be in football.
Wow, yeah.
And also, we had to take hand-me-downs from anywhere.
Otherwise, we'd be paying for our own equipment.
And we did pay for some of our own equipment.
Imagine.
Yeah, like our cleats. If you wanted a real pair of cleats, a good pair of cleats, you had to buy them yourself.
If you wanted the ones the schools assigned you, they weren't worth the shit because they were hand-me-downs.
Yeah.
And also, like Biggin, he was horrible in school. He was terrible in school.
But he went the brightest. He was a dumbass, and he was an asshole.
And they kept him going because they probably really needed the tax money.
They needed how many heads to make this much.
Well, yeah, that's true.
To stay in business. Basically, that's what it was, was to stay in business.
Yeah.
So, Biggin was there as a run-stopper. And we had this little guy, Jimmy. He was faster than hell.
And he was just a little bitty guy, and he was a running back.
And no one could stop him because he would literally almost just run under your feet.
And he was like a little lightning.
And so, he'd always get by on Biggin. So, I think there's a little bit of Biggin being mad.
So, there's this one play. What it is is you couldn't turn in.
You know, whenever Biggin did this, you couldn't turn it in because the coach did not like you to turn in penalties or anything like that.
Oh, yeah. No tattletales on the team.
Yeah, yeah. He felt like that was his job to, number one, call penalties.
And, number two, no tattletaling.
If someone tripped you or was holding you, the worst thing you could do is go,
Hey, he held me. And he'd make everybody run gassers.
And gassers were in the field side to side two times.
Punish everyone to make you shut up.
Yes. And they didn't lock room to get your ass with.
You may have run five miles, Wallace. Bam, bam, bam. Knocked the piss out of you. Kicked the hell out of you. Laughed.
So, Biggin could get away with it, knowing that you'd be the bigger rat for turning him in.
Yes. Yeah. So, you had to kind of take it, I mean. I had plenty of welts underneath my ballsack.
I hated this fucker. So, everybody hated this fucker, but nobody wanted to do it to anyone else.
No one did it back to him. We didn't do it to each other. It was just too dirty.
So, like I before mentioned, everybody's helmets would fall off routinely.
No big deal, because they were beat all to hell when we got them. They were cockeyed. They didn't work.
They didn't work very well. But that's all we had.
Unless you wanted to buy a brand new one, and we were mowing lawns.
So, we were using those. So, there was this one play.
We were getting ready to play, I think, Drexel, which was our tribal.
Like everything you've seen at Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
The kill Jefferson. The signs. The assembly where you'd all yell and cheer.
Let's kill Jefferson. Let's kill Drexel. And me, I didn't give a fuck, man.
I was pretty much a freak that they pretty much forced into playing football.
You're just more happy it's Friday night than you are about anything else.
Yeah, I'm thinking, I don't want to fucking be here. I want to go out on the gravel roads and fucking smash beers with my friends.
I don't want to be here. But I played because I really got pretty much pressured into it.
Come on, we need people. Because we really did need people.
I mean, we had pretty much one in every position. And one guy that could do a little bit of everything.
Like one guy that could do four things. One guy that could do five things. Another guy that could do three things.
And those were our backups. We had like no actual real backup person doing it.
Yeah, no first string, second string. It was a little more immediate than that.
Yeah. So I mean, so they really did need me.
So, Biggin was in the middle of this pile. And this was, we were practicing against our arch rivals.
And this is late September. But it was really hot. Real, real hot.
So one of you is the practice team wearing the other team's colors.
Yeah, we're in Drexel's colors. In the white and everything.
So it was really hot. It was like around 100 degrees. It's like winter's last, or summer's last, by like flipping you off and slamming the door.
And I remember very well. I mean, we were all just fucking hotter than hell. Sweating ham chunks. Fucking gravy.
Back then they thought it was better if you didn't drink water.
Yeah, yeah. You're right. Yeah, they did. Yep. So we're all in that dog pile and all of a sudden I hear like,
AHHHHHHHHHH.
So Jimmy, he had this problem with some sort of weird ass, parietis or jock itch or something.
I'm not sure what it was. It was something like that. And it was on the inside of his thigh right up there.
Could be like a fungal infection or whatever.
It probably was, but it was probably combined with the heat, combined with the material
from the jock strap.
But I remember he was showing people in there going, man, this shit sucks.
It hurts like fuck, I can't put on my jock strap.
Well, he had to go without one.
So he was in practice just hoping he didn't get fucking wrecked.
Because that's the only thing that would save you was your jock strap.
If you got smacked in the nuts, it wouldn't hurt nearly as bad because you're like safely
tucked away.
It kind of distributes the impact around a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, instead of the little fling, it's like, yeah, that like all of a sudden just
stuns you and you don't know where you're at for a minute.
Time stops and then you think you're dying and then you hope you're dying.
Then you wish you were dead.
And then you walk off gingerly.
I'll be in the locker room.
So Jimmy could not wear a jock strap.
So we hear this fucking scream in the pain.
So also Jimmy gets up and blood is running down the inside of his white pants.
I mean, not just kind of.
I mean, it was running and the coach automatically he freaks out.
He's like, ah, son of a bitch.
So he runs over there and the first thing he does is he pulled down his pants because,
you know, number one, he thought there was a jock strap underneath there and he didn't
expect it all to just fucking flop out.
Number two, there's a huge bite marks on his fucking nut.
Oh my God.
And there's blood running everywhere.
And the coach just flips out.
Who the hell did this?
Who did this?
And everyone like pointing and fucking digging.
You did this?
Yeah.
OK, so so he takes it and he calls the health team, not the paramedics, the health team
that we have.
And he calls them out and I think I actually think Jimmy ended up going to the hospital
over this.
I imagine they probably chomped through a blood vessel.
Probably.
So they had the health team come out there and they're over there trying to fucking do
pressure and Jimmy screaming, which I'd be fucking crying.
I tell you.
Yeah.
And then coach grabs fucking big and by the ear and takes him straight into the office.
So Biggie got in a lot of shit over that, but I think he he didn't go to jail that day,
but I think he had a court date over it.
If I remember correctly, this is quite a while ago, but I think he went to court over it.
I don't think he did any time.
But I think I don't know if like like right now, let's say he's looking for a job in a
secure like an air base or something or something that will like the Federal Reserve downtown.
I've done that job there and you have to get a clearance.
We have any type of a record at all.
They will not let you in there.
So I don't know if to this day if he can't get a secure job like that because he's a
nut biter.
I guess that would depend on how old he was at the time because prior to a certain age.
Oh, he would have been 17, 16 probably.
Yeah.
So it's probably juvenile records and those can get sealed, expunged.
Well then it's probably done.
It's probably been done.
I mean if he was 18 at the time, he probably would have wound up having to list as a sex
offender.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
I don't think that that's what happened.
I think that it probably went away when he was 18, but he did get in some shit.
But if I remember correctly, this is a long time ago.
This is 80s, early 80s.
So yeah.
Nobody wanted to deal with it back then as much as they're willing to deal with it now.
No, no, no.
I mean, he was such a shock to people.
We all knew this shit was going on, but he never did bite your nuts either.
Yeah.
Everybody were at Jockstrap.
We knew about where he could go.
Yeah.
You kind of figured that there was a point that he wouldn't cross.
Who was this fucking moron?
His woman just left the coffee shop talking to herself.
Oh, okay.
I think she got, I don't think she was happy with her service and walked out complaining.
Oh.
And we all got to hear it.
Okay.
Hey, where'd everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God.
Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.
Wrong number.