Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River,
it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors, and horrible pranks?
What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
Two monkey fuckers and a toaster will be right back.
When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water,
because nobody likes a stinky asshole.
Hey everybody, it's Two Douchebags and Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, Rob Radd, my trusted co-host here, is here to help you with your show.
And my big co-host here is calling in from the beautiful Lake of the Ozarks, once again.
So, what's your weather there?
Oh, it's hot, man, it's hot.
And it's going to get hotter, we're supposed to be in the hundreds in the next two, three days.
Yep, the same here, in high humidity, so it's going to be a real nut-drencher.
Yep, it's time to...
But, like, Saturday I think it's supposed to rain and drop down to like 80.
Oh, okay, I don't think...
Well, that's what our weather's showing.
I don't think it's ever going to rain here again.
I think it's done raining forever.
So, no...
Everybody's brown here.
Yeah, we've been in a horrible, horrible drought here for...
Actually, it really started last year, it rained just enough to take us off the drought chart,
but then it stopped again, so we're back on...
We're into a moderate to severe drought everywhere around here.
And, anyhow, it's not looking good.
Well, good luck, Mark.
Welcome to Missouri, I've liked that every year.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, this has been an exceptional drought.
I know what you're saying, and you are correct.
It does that every year this time, but it's been doing it.
But, anyhow, we're not here to talk about the weather.
I've got something interesting I ran into the other day,
and I think you might like it.
So, the 23 has a list already of life hacks,
things you can do to improve your life and make them better.
And this is what they say to do.
A lot of them, I think, are spot on, perfect, great.
And other ones, I'm kind of scratching my head going, what the fuck?
You know, so, anyhow...
But, oh, it is a swamp ass alert.
Ball gravy alert.
The next three days, if you live around the Midwest, remember.
That means carry plenty of deodorant,
maybe some baby powder to kind of draw, you know,
to kind of like get some of that ooze up
and maybe make a little paste or something,
so, like, you can scrape it off.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Yeah, yeah, and especially what Rob does.
Yeah, you are going to experience some swamp ass
of serious proportions here in the next few days.
You carry steel all day.
Yeah, you're going to get...
Oh, I used to.
I used to carry steel and glass.
Yeah, you used to.
Yes.
Yeah, nothing funnier than carrying a huge piece of glass
up four flights of stairs
while you're literally fucking sprung a leak in your nutsack
because it's nothing but like gravy down there.
Sucks. So...
Oh, damn, dude.
Yeah, yeah.
I do it with steel. I don't do it with glass.
Ooh, glass...
Glass sucks because, you know, steel, you drop it, it's probably okay.
Glass, you drop it, it's not okay.
And that stuff has to be made precisionally.
So it really kind of sucked balls.
And anyhow...
Anyhow, glad I'm not doing that shit anymore.
So...
Anyhow, all right.
Number one life hack.
Fly smart.
The best deals, when searching online for the best deals
on flights to your favorite destination,
be sure to use your browser incognito mode.
This helps you avoid cookies that websites use
that actually increase the cost of your flight
once you visit it several times.
So they have some sort of algorithm bullshit
that if you visit a website looking for flights a couple of times,
it automatically raises the prices on you.
Isn't that a...
Yeah. Yeah.
Fucking assholes.
So yeah, go incognito and don't let the fucks know
you've been there looking, is what they're saying.
Two.
Get cell service anywhere.
Looking for cell service but can't seem to get good signal?
Simply switch your cell phone to airplane mode,
which prompts your phone to search for all the cell towers near you,
giving you plenty of options to connect to.
And I've done that before.
I speak about Eureka Springs a lot.
There's areas down there near Beaver Lake and other places
out in the hills and the mountains where you can't get a signal, you think,
because I've been there before and I'm like, man, you know, shit,
I've got to really call my mom and have her go check
and make sure that the pool isn't running dry or whatever,
have her check on the animal, whatever.
I've lived down around there, I've worked down around there.
I know it's like, yeah, reception is horrible down around there.
Yeah. And then it dawned on me, put your phone on, that's what airplane mode,
one of the functions it's for, is to do that.
And then when you turn it back on, it's automatically like,
hey, look, there's 30 towers around that I didn't know before.
And that does work and I think that's a pretty good tip right there.
Really?
Yeah. Yeah, try it.
Next time you're out in the middle, I know it works.
I know we're living down here.
Yes, it is, especially down there.
I mean, even where you're at, I mean, Camden, there's plenty of towers.
I mean, back quite a few years ago when I used to go there,
I had plenty of service.
But if you get much south of there, there's some pretty sparse areas tower-wise
and it's in and out signal and especially in valleys.
I mean, hell, you can't even pick up FM radio in some of those valleys.
Yeah, and we are in Ozark Mountains.
There's a lot of ups and downs.
I've wondered this and I can't remember, I think I might have known it at one time,
but is it part of the Harry S. Truman Forest?
No, it's part of the Mark Twain Forest.
Mark Twain, not Harry S. Truman.
Oh, I was talking about the Truman Lake.
Yeah, Mark Twain Forest, I'm sorry.
It's part of the Mark Twain Forest. Okay, thank you.
Actually, the Mark Twain Forest is a little further south than us.
Okay, but it's pretty close.
Yeah, yeah, it's within an hour or two.
I love that area because it has such a, it kind of reminds me of Colorado
because it has such a mixture of evergreens and oaks and hickory.
It's just beautiful.
It's gorgeous down there. I've been to it many a times. Yeah, it's gorgeous.
Home of the huge ass tarantulas.
Well, we got huge tarantulas here, too.
Oh, I know you do. Yeah, those fuckers.
When I lived in Arkansas when I was young, we lived there for about a year,
and this was near Clarksville, Russellville area over there in a very small town.
Anyhow, at night you could shine a flashlight out and see eight eyes all over the trees.
And those were those huge ass, they weren't even tarantulas.
They were huge furry black spiders.
They say they're non-poisonous, but I didn't want anything to do with them.
Even if they were or weren't, I didn't want to find out.
Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you have them around there?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they look like black tarantulas, only maybe a little bit bigger.
Yeah, those fuckers. Yeah, I mean, the tarantulas down here, if they bite you, they're not going to kill you.
They'll make you sick. And that makes you sick.
Yeah. Yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, and another thing is, is they're not aggressive.
You have to step on it for it to do anything.
Oh, yeah. I've literally seen them crawl up people's arms and they swat them off, and then they go about their business.
They really, they're not aggressive.
They're territorial. If you come to them, they're going to hurt you.
Yeah, yeah, and out camping, you know, you see them, and you just don't get near them.
They're kind of like snakes.
The rule of the thumb about snakes down there, and I've known this ever since I was a kid living in Arkansas,
is you make a ton of noise and walk slow.
A ton of noise and walking slow means that most snakes, most, except for cottonmouths,
cottonmouth water moccasins are a different breed of evil.
I have plenty of stories of those things. Those things are nuts.
Oh, yeah. Oh, they're evil.
Oh, yeah, I got one down at the Blue River.
Oh, really? You saw one there?
No, no, no, no, I landed in a, yeah, it was like a moth bit of water moccasins.
Oh, man. Oh.
You remember that rip swing down Blue River?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I think everybody remembers that one.
No, I come off that rip swing one day.
Uh-huh.
And our old friend Andy broadcast and a few others.
Oh, Andy, Andy?
Yeah, I landed, and I went down, I come off the rip swing, down in the water.
Yeah.
And I just kept swarming around me.
Whoa.
I knew exactly what it was. They said I looked like Jesus, but I was running.
Well, I...
Dude, it was like a swarm of water moccasins.
After I got the shitty...
And I went right into them, and they come up and out.
The good thing about that is, unless you run right into them, they can't bite you in water.
They have to be able to... they have to be right up on you to bite you.
Dude, they were all around me.
Whoa.
It was like a swarm.
Because I saw swarms of them.
I landed in like a big old ball of them.
Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. It was like where the nest...
I did not get to...
Where they had the nest. You were very fortunate.
I'm going to get a beer.
Yes, you are. Yeah, because that's crazy.
But as I say, growing up for a year in Arkansas, I found this out because we had this old Native American that lived really close to us, Mr. Gough.
He was really cool.
And he used to say sayings that were true about nature.
And one of the things that he said was, he said, if the hawks fly low, it's going to rain.
Then I started noticing to this day, if the hawks are circling around low, it's going to rain within the next day.
I mean, it doesn't mean it's going to like be torrential or nothing, but it means it's going to rain because the hawk knows it's going to rain.
It's out looking for food, preparing for the rain where he's not going to be able to get food because everything's going to be hunkered down.
And the other thing he said was, he said, make a lot of noise.
He said a lot of things, but you know, because we would routinely wake up and there would be a water moccasin or a copperhead sunning itself on our back patio.
Because they love the sun and they love concrete and they would lay out in it, literally just lay there because they liked heat.
They're cold blooded.
And, you know, of course, being a kid, I'm like, you know, then my dad would have to go get the shovel or the hoe and go out there and cut its head off.
But anyhow, he said, walk real slow and make a lot of noise.
And if you're fishing, make sure and put around the fishing pole to make sure that it's thinking it's a mower or something.
Here's the whip and it thinks it's the vibration from it.
It thinks it's a mower and it gets the hell out of there.
And he said all of this except one exception, the cotton mouth water moccasin.
He didn't say this, but this might my word on it.
It was a particularly evil piece of crap.
These things would wait for you to sit down and fish and they would surround you and they would watch.
They look like they do.
They do.
I can attest to that.
Oh, they're crazy and they're very aggressive.
They will come up.
Yes, they are.
Yeah, they will start coming up to you.
They'll inch in on you to try to get you.
They'll try to sneak around.
They'll act like they're leaving.
They'll try to sneak around and double back on you.
They're very intelligent and they're evil.
And they used to just scare the hell out of me.
I had nightmares about them things because, number one, the reason they call them cotton mouth because it looks like they're got saliva.
Got saliva coming out of their mouth.
And that's just the color of their mouth.
Yeah, and they're a really, really dark brownish, blackish snake with these little snake eyes and this really venomous looking triangular head.
I mean, if you were to pick what the devil would look like, incarnation like right in front of you, I would pick probably something that looked like a cotton mouth water moccasin.
Well, that right there is one that's sign that venomous is the triangular head.
Yes, yeah.
And the cat eyes aren't even always true.
There are snakes that have cat eyes.
No, they're not.
And also, I'm sorry, go ahead.
What were you saying?
No, I was just very, no, you're right.
Yeah, the cat eyes aren't always true.
Because a coral snake is one of the most deadliest snakes in North America and it has round eyes and it looks beautiful.
Right.
And I would hate to be a king snake because a king snake looks like a coral snake only with the colors, the ring colors in reverse, the rings of colors.
And everybody thinks they're a coral snake and they kill them.
And actually, they're great for the environment.
They kill pests and others.
Yeah, they're one of the best snakes you can have around.
Yeah, I think it's a king snake, isn't it?
Or is it something else?
I forgot.
Anyhow, it's the colors in reverse of a coral snake, same size, same head and everything.
And only someone that really knows a snake.
I mean, who the hell is going to sit there and count the colors when you see that fucking thing?
You're going to be like, oh shit, hey, hey, hey.
To be honest, Mark.
What?
I told you about Mike's snakes.
There's a reason I didn't go over there.
Mm-hmm.
I don't like snakes.
But, yeah, some are good.
Some are good.
Mm-hmm.
I know what I get, you know, and I've heard some good snakes.
Well, me and my brother were perfect angels when we went over there ever since.
We only went over there a few times, but after that, we did not bother any snakes.
And we're referring, if you haven't heard it, and if you haven't heard that podcast,
you're a horrible person for not listening to that podcast, number one.
Number two, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Number three, you should write us an apology letter and Toefer too.
Yeah, Toefer too.
But as a friend of me and my brother's and Rob's, his dad collected poisonous snakes,
and we walked in first time wherever in his house,
and there's this giant timber rattler in this giant aquarium.
I was right there because I wouldn't go.
Now I know why.
So anyhow, me and my brother were fucking with it, you know, tapping off, and all this stuff.
And Mike told us, he said, you know, they're really intelligent and they have a really great memory.
And we're like, oh, it's in the aquarium.
It's not going to get us.
Well, if it ever gets out, it's going to remember you screwed with it,
and it's going to come after you, not me.
It's mad at you.
I'm nice to it.
And sure as hell, a few weeks later, we go over there to get his weed.
He had stashed underneath his bed or something.
He's afraid his mom was going to find it doing laundry or something.
I got to go get my weed.
OK.
We walk in there.
The snake got out.
Oh, we were scared shitless.
Luckily, he found the fucker.
And after kind of swooping it near us a couple of times because he knew something we didn't know,
he knew that the snake could not strike on that pole there because it had no way to get any force behind it to lunge at us.
So he's swinging around a little bit, screwing with us, and we're like, oh, oh, oh.
So anyhow, oh, you know what?
I'm going to write a life hack.
Say hi.
OK.
Where was I?
OK.
Oh, we were talking about the forest and how cell phone service.
OK.
So number three on this list, supermarket savvy.
Save time and money when grocery shopping with this helpful life hack.
Just remember that the cheaper items usually are on the top or the bottom shelves away from the prime advertising spot at eye level.
That is reserved for higher price brands.
That makes sense.
Yeah, they paid for that.
It's called shelf space.
And it's extremely important for products to have this shelf space.
Otherwise, they're not selling shit, at least not at a grocery store or something like that or a Walmart or or or, you know, a price chopper up here or whatever you have down there, a Kroger, whatever.
So, yeah.
So look up and down if you want to buy the cheaper ones.
If you want to buy the highest priced one, I guess look right in the middle eye level.
So, yep.
And I noticed that with cereal brands to cereal brands.
A lot of the children's cereal are lower.
So the children see them and they start yelling, hey, give me the frosty loops right now.
Mommy, shut up.
I want my frosty loops.
Yeah.
You know, that stuff.
Oh, yeah.
That's been a long time thing in grocery stores.
Yeah.
Well, a lot of people probably don't know that.
But, you know, it's true.
Next one on the list.
It's just titled fog no more.
Bathroom mirror foggy?
Can't see yourself.
Just grab a blow dryer to instantly defog your mirror.
You can finish your morning or evening routine.
So I never knew that that you could just grab a a little bit of a hairdryer and defog your mirrors.
I had no idea.
I guess it was just like a defroster, I guess.
Right.
Yeah.
So.
OK.
Next one.
They recommend on these 20, 23 life hacks is have a pre bed shower.
If you find it hard to relax and sleep at night, this life hack will have you snoring in no time.
You know, just you want you want to sleep better.
A warm shower just before bedtime for a great night's sleep.
The warm water dilates blood vessels, relaxes muscles and removes toxins from your skin so you can easily have sweet dreams.
It does help.
That's I think that's part of a good night's sleep.
I think another one is is this right here.
Turn your cell phone completely off.
Some people can't do that because they're afraid something's going to happen while they're sleeping and that they need to know or something like that.
Put it way away from you.
That way you're not tempted to grab it and turn it on at the nightstand.
Put it, you know, to where you have to walk to where literally you can't get it unless you got to get up and grab it.
You know, take a piss or something.
So that's one of the things.
Same thing with the alarm clock.
Yeah.
A lot of white noise or just noise or running water or something like that helps too.
But anyhow, yeah, so yeah, they're right on that.
I mean, I think a good good warm shower, a hot shower does work or helps.
No, I agree.
It would help to relax you right before you lay down.
Yeah.
The next one, the next one of the twenty twenty three life hacks is write down the good stuff.
And I'm a big proponent of this because I do it whenever I think about it.
The problem is I don't think about it nearly enough is when you want to stay focused and motivated,
spend some time at the end of each day writing down good things that happened to you during the day and how the events made you feel.
The end of the day in a positive note is good for your heart and soul.
And I think that that is a really good one because it does work.
And it's also good for a memory.
It's good for self-esteem, motivation, so many things.
You're what would you call it?
Your psyche.
Yeah.
And this next one, I totally agree with you.
Yeah, I think we're agreement on all of these so far, aren't we?
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, we are.
I think these are pretty good.
All right.
The next one, and I'm a big, big, big proponent of this too, eat lunch outside.
Take every opportunity you get to eat outside to reap the benefits of nature therapy.
There's something about hearing the birds chirp in our koi pond.
You can hear the frogs jump in and making their squeals and stuff.
Dogs barking in the background as long as they're not too close and too crazy.
Just all this nature, there's something about it that just takes stress away from you.
I 100% agree.
Yeah, this nature therapy enjoy reduced stress, a boost in performance,
and even increase in job satisfaction by dining at a local park, restaurant, or a picnic table on your patio.
Now, I used to do this when I worked at that metal place in Grandview.
I told you about where I knew Ron from Liquor Locker because they used to go get a little beverage during lunch down there.
Yeah, my biological dad.
Yes.
OK.
What I would do is I wouldn't go get a beer or nothing like that like the other ones would,
or a lot of other ones, not everybody, but I would go drive down to Longview Lake
and just look at the lake and look at nature.
If I had enough time, I'd stop in one of those little parking areas and just open up the door and just look out and just enjoy nature.
I decluttered myself doing that and it really worked, so I would agree with that too.
Yeah, no, I work in a big school shop, a bunch of loud noises going on.
Break time, I go outside. I step outside, get away.
Don't you feel better?
Oh yeah, it really does. It really does.
Yeah, there's something about it.
It's like when we worked at Justin James.
Oh yeah.
Every time we had a chance, we'd step out the back door.
Oh yeah.
It's a pressure.
And also to gauge how many people were coming in too, so we knew what kind of night we were in for.
Yeah, oh my god.
If that back parking lot started filling up, we knew we were screwed.
We're like, eh, we're not getting out of here until midnight.
Yeah, there goes our party space.
Yep, we're gonna get someone down there to rent the room early.
By the time we get there, they're all gonna be full.
Anyhow, yeah, I agree with that 100%.
Yeah, I do too.
Yep, let's see, next one.
This is the 2023 life hacks.
Enhance your sleep regimen.
Any life hack that involves getting better sleep is worth trying.
Set a specific time each evening to get into the sleep mode.
Dim the lights, turn down the volume on electronic devices, and sit in a comfortable room, and add a temperature to entice sleep.
To me, that's cool.
I like a sleeping room to be really cool.
I don't like it to be warm at all.
I mean, I would like it maybe to be about 65.
Okay, see, I'm a little, I'm a smaller guy.
I like a little warmer.
Hey, you call me fat.
No, I'm joking, I'm joking.
No, dude, I'm just saying I'm 5'740.
No, I know, I know what you're saying.
I'm busting your nuts, dude.
I would agree with that.
I have a very small temperature range.
I'm either hot or cold.
Those are like two degrees right there.
I've been in perfect body weight before, and I still prefer to be 65.
I guess it's just in your own chemistry, I guess.
But anyhow, I agree with that.
Then turn off the electronics I alluded to.
Turn off your cell phone and stuff like that.
Let's see, so next one.
Now, I didn't read all of this, so.
I'm not sure what this is.
Exercise the 60-10 rule.
Okay, when working on completing a daunting task,
this life hack can help you be more productive.
Set a timer for one hour and work diligently on the task at hand.
When the timer sounds, allow yourself a 10-minute break for an energizing activity.
Consider going for a walk, calling a friend,
making a cup of coffee or anything that only takes a few minutes.
Okay, so like earlier when I was cleaning out the pool,
instead of just going at it for four hours,
every hour I should have just stopped and maybe made a call,
or I don't know, or some coffee.
Some coffee would have helped me.
Okay, the 60-10 rule.
So one hour of work, 10 minutes of non-work.
Okay.
All right, I guess I could agree with that.
To me, that's not so much important,
because sometimes I like to get the stuff done,
and I don't want to take 10 minutes in between, you know.
Okay, well, I'll tell you what.
You come talk to my boss about that.
I know the answer already, so yeah.
Yeah, I do too.
Yeah.
It'd be a way for me to be able to see if we want.
Oh, yeah. Hell yeah.
Well, we are going to get together.
We've got to have a douchebag and a microphone.
Yeah, we are.
Come on, we've got to see this.
I don't know if I can make it down there.
Oh, man.
Hey, I do have another opportunity.
It would be a big opportunity.
Okay.
To talk to you off the air.
I was getting ready to say, we'll talk about this off air,
because we will get together, but I'm sure nobody wants to hear
about how we're going to get together or whatever the plans are.
So anyhow, the next one.
They're just going to be excited that we finally did it.
Okay.
If they're not, we will be.
Either that or we'll just make the shit up.
How will they know?
No, no, I didn't want to get together, man.
Rob drove all the way up just for the special podcast.
No, not really.
If I get the chance, I will.
Okay.
Next one, improve focus.
Try low-level background music or nature sounds that can hide
distractions that can disrupt your work.
Like two douchebags in a microphone, we are great at background noise.
People all the time, we've heard from monks.
Monks have written us and said it's the best background noise to do nothing to.
Okay, maybe not.
Anyhow, apparently that's all we have.
I got to admit, my buddy that did listen to Warren's kind of liked it.
I actually got a critique from a family member really earlier.
Val said that he said he listened to it and he thought it was funny.
So we're two for two today.
How's that?
Hey, there we go.
Our numbers are still at Bruno if you listen to this podcast.
Thank you.
We appreciate it.
Listen to more and I want your critique and pats on the back.
Thank you for listening.
I hope you listen to it.
I hope you enjoy it.
I hope it does what we want it to do and that just give everybody a little
chuckle and a little tongue-in-cheek stupid humor.
Like I said, there's so many things that podcasts could be.
Some of them tell like paranormal.
Some of them tell like there's this one that a friend of mine at work turned
me on to.
What the hell is the name of it?
Shit.
But anyhow, they're like structural engineers and they're talking about what
caused these great disasters and they went in depth, but they make fun of it.
And it's really good.
And I'm going to, I got to look at my history and when I do, I will tell
everybody the name of it because it is really good.
I think it's called like, well, there's your problem or the, well, there's the
problem.
I think it's called, well, there's a problem.
And the one guy that's like got all these degrees behind him, he's always
acting like, I don't know, like this, I don't know, kind of a redneck guy,
always kind of talking like it, but you know, he doesn't do that in real life.
And hey, I was just taken back by the like, oh my God, you know, people that
don't know the story behind it would think that the guy is just some guy they
pulled off the street.
But anyhow, it's pretty cool and it's got my thumb of approval.
But anyhow, all these podcasts have like a direction that they do, right?
They're like, well, we do this or we do that.
Us, we tell stupid stories.
I tell a lot of my past stories.
You tell a lot of your past stories.
All we're trying to do is entertain you like that 80s, 70s, 80s, 80s, 80s,
morning shows used to do when they used to get away with being a little bit
more risque, when they could tell a dick joke, when they could screw with
each other, you know?
So I'm going to be honest with you.
Morris is kind of threw me in on this.
And yet we are honestly two and a half hours away from each other.
I'm coming up with my own stuff.
I have no idea what he's going to talk about.
He has no idea what I'm talking about.
Well, you see, it's kind of rough to do it.
When me and Topher is doing it, we're always together, you know,
looking at each other.
Exactly.
And that's what I'm saying.
And I think I hope I'm doing a pretty good job.
You are.
You're getting better.
Like I said, I had a year start.
I had a year head start on you.
And I hear you like earlier, you're talking like you were.
No, no, no.
You're doing fine.
Just keep doing what you're doing, man.
It all comes to you after a while.
I'm doing it.
I'm loving it.
I'm enjoying it.
Good, good.
And like I said, you're always going to be a part of the show somehow.
If or when Topher comes back, we hope so.
I think he will.
He's not like saying, no, he's not going to.
He's just got some stuff he's working through.
That's all.
And we love him and we wish him the best and we miss him on every podcast.
And the place is his.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course he earned his seat at the table and it's still his.
His chair is still his.
But it doesn't mean that me and Rob can't do our own and throw him in there.
And it doesn't mean like every time Topher and I do a podcast that Rob isn't going to call in because he will.
Because Rob is a part of the show and I'm seeing him grow right before us.
Just like you listen to a lot of the younger podcasts, right?
The earlier ones?
Yes, yes.
Would you say?
I listen to every one.
Excellent.
Thank you.
Would you say that like the first, the difference between the first and the fortieth podcast is pretty big on how we talk?
Oh my God.
Yes.
Yeah.
I mean, you got to learn your way.
You got to learn your way.
You do.
And like I said, with us being two and a half hours apart and you and Topher being face to face and me and you not,
that gives me a disadvantage because I don't know what I can break in on.
Well, and I still say that.
We're learning our way.
Yeah, you're doing great.
I still say this, you're doing fine.
You know, I ever thought it too at first.
I'd listen to something and go, oh my God.
Man, I sounded horrible.
But then I started realizing that not everybody thinks of the way you talk like how you think you talk.
It's kind of hard.
I don't even know if I really described that right or not.
No, I know exactly what you're talking about because I did DJ for a while.
But yeah, my ex-wife did a lot of the talking.
I did a lot of the work, you know.
Okay.
But there was a night she wasn't there.
I had to take over.
I had to, you know, I had to do the whole gig.
Well, Rob, you were growing right before our eyes.
You're hitting puberty and you're getting voluptuous breasts and we love it.
You need to do a few more ass-ups.
That's still a little flat, Rob.
Yeah, I'm getting there.
Okay, all right, you're getting there.
But anyhow, all male body parts, all male body part pictures, go to Rob Radd's inbox.
He's on my friends list.
Look him up.
All male body parts, he's still waiting to remember.
He likes ass-up with a face.
So stick your ass up in the air, spread the cheeks apart, turn around and smile for the camera
because he likes them both.
He wants to know who's bunghole he's looking at.
Is that too much to ask for your favorite?
My stomach's very close here.
Guys, I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this.
He's sweating it.
I know he is.
I am sweating it.
Guys, come on, come on.
Throw some pictures out there.
Come on.
I don't care if it's just a nutsack.
Just send them to him, okay?
Come on, give me off the hook.
Is that too much to ask for your favorite podcast?
Please prove you listen to us.
Or at least a podcast that you tolerate.
Come on.
Yeah, come on.
It's not that big a deal.
Two Shirley Tipples and a bottle of scotch will be right back.
All aware of the Amber Alert, right?
Well, get rid of your disinfectants and rubber bedspreads, kids.
It's the all-new Amber Heard Alert system.
This fantastic early warning device helps one stay dry
and rid of all those annoying mattress invoices.
Simply hook up to Child Under Six or Psychopath
and wait for the running water sound.
This clever machine has three different methods
for those close calls.
Order today and get a free Cinnabon Renuze It Cartridge.
If you enjoy two douchebags and a microphone,
you'll definitely enjoy a shovel to the head.
All right, freaks, two douchebags and a microphone on mark.
Hey, I'm on it.
All righty.
You guys are going to be the first to hear the sound
of the running water sound.
All righty.
You hear about the vegetarian group that wants
the Makin' Bakins name changed?
What? No, I am not.
Makin' Georgia, they have a baseball team.
In some league, I think it says it in this article,
but anyhow, it is a baseball team
and they're called the Makin' Bakins.
Well, there's this vegetarian group
that wants them to change their names.
I like the name.
I do too.
I think it's awesome.
Well, if I remember what this is correctly,
it even gets better.
So here we go.
Makin' Bakin entered the Coastal Plains League in 2018
and their name was chosen by fans through a vote.
Kevin Bakin had even wore the team's hat in public.
However...
That's what I had to do, bro.
Oh, you've seen that hat?
I've never seen it. I've seen that hat.
Well, it's a baseball team, the Makin' Bakins.
I thought it was something he came up with.
Guess not.
Okay.
However, it's not just a name.
As the stadium's menu,
we include items like bacon steaks and bacon fries.
Oh.
Speaking of that, when I was in Dallas,
maybe three or four, probably four years ago,
with Brian, a guy that I used to work with
at that old shop there,
anyhow, we went to this...
I mean, why dog on him?
I mean, there's no reason to.
Because they suck and they know it.
They're doing bigger, better things.
Absolutely.
I'm doing very well at what I'm doing
and I'm doing what I love,
podcasting and other things,
and my life is fantastic.
But anyhow, there's this place down there
and it was a chain.
He was from San Diego,
and the chain started in San Diego.
It was called Slater's 5050.
And what it was was burgers that were made out of
half ground-up bacon and half ground chuck.
And they were fantastic.
And a full board of booths.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh.
We both had us a double Slater
and some of these home-cut fries
that were just piping hot and seasoned.
Oh, my God.
And some craft brews.
It was great.
And anyhow, that Slater's 5050,
I guess, is no longer there in Dallas,
because I looked it up,
because I was considering going to a concert there
this year.
And I looked it up to see if it was still there,
and then I decided to go to Memphis instead,
because I could get good chicken there.
So anyhow, because Slater's 5050 moved,
I'm not going to Dallas this year for a concert.
So anyhow, and it was...
What was the name?
It was in one of the suburbs of Dallas.
It was a Mesquite.
Might have been in Plano.
I don't know.
Anyhow.
Okay, so however it's not just a name.
They have bacon steaks, bacon fries.
This caught the attention of the Physicians Committee
based in Washington,
which promotes plant-based diets
and advocates against scientific research
that involves animal testing,
which I'm all about.
I mean, look, if they don't have to test on animals,
I don't think they should.
I think it's cruel and unusual.
And who are we to say that, oh, they're just animals?
Now look, I'm all for bacon,
and I'm a meat eater,
and I'm not going to change anytime soon.
So I'm all for that, you know.
I mean, I don't like the thought of butchering something
and eating it, but that's just the way I'm geared.
And quite frankly, anything that is fake meat,
I don't find tasty.
I don't think it's anywhere near the real thing.
And, you know, so...
But as far as testing on animals,
there's a lot of it I don't think they have to do
that I don't like, so I'm kind of...
I don't know, I'm kind of a little bit of this and that on that,
but as far as these guys changing the names,
I think that's stupid.
Anyhow, the group's letter to the team dated June 1st
proposed changing the team's name to the...
Makin' Fakin' Bacon.
Ha ha ha ha!
Uh-huh, yeah.
This is what these rubes came up with.
So, which would be an old...
a meat-alternative product than Makin' Fakin' Bacon,
because I guess there's a product called Fakin' Bacon.
Ha ha ha ha!
Anyhow, that would be my cue to never buy
the son of a bitch, right?
You think I'm going to go, what?
I ain't buying that one!
I'm telling you, you cannot make this up.
No.
Look at it.
Truth is always stranger than fiction.
And life always gives you a bigger laugh than anything else.
So, you know, in response to their quest,
team president Brandon Raffael said...
stated that the Makin' Bacon name and brand
had been embraced by fans due to its
playful and light-hearted nature.
It's also noted that the stadium's concessions
already have plant-based options.
Yeah.
So...
um...
I mean, I don't think they should change the name,
and I think you're on board with that too, aren't you?
Yeah, yeah, I am.
I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to follow this story up.
Uh, you know what?
You got something picked out?
I got one.
Well, I'm coming up with one. Let me find it.
Okay. Until then, I will make some noise to entertain you.
That one is just trying to...
I lost concentration.
I'm sorry.
Oh, and tonight, I've got a final thought with you.
I've got one too, okay?
Okay.
Oh, and also, I have a dear Douchebags letter that was sent in.
Oh, I do!
Yes, I do, but you do.
I do have a rough rant too.
Okay.
I'm going to keep it short and sweet.
Okay, that's cool.
You can go into your story whenever you've...
Did you find it yet?
No, go ahead.
I'm going to do the Dear Douchebags...
I had to switch stories.
So, go ahead.
Okay, you want to go into the Dear Douchebags? Is that it?
Yeah, I do.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct washrags.
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes in...
Three, two, one.
Hey, look. I think we found land.
Oh my God, I think we're safe.
Oh, no.
It's the island of horrible jokes.
Oh my God!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
Ha ha ha!
Another Dear Douchebags letter.
Someone was dumb enough to write in, Rob.
Right on.
Yeah, how about that?
First time since I've been here.
Yeah, this is the first time with this lineup of a Dear Douchebags letter.
Well, someone was dumb enough to write in again, so I guess they're going to be...
Hopefully they're not dumb enough to take our advice because like me and Topher always stated, and I think you agree,
whatever we say to do, don't just do the opposite, do the polar opposite.
We're talking the exact opposite of what we say.
If you want a good life and a happy life and not harm yourself, don't do what we say or anything close to what we say.
But that being said, someone dumb enough to write in, well, you're going to get the answers you get.
We just hope they stay away from...
They're not going to die.
Yes.
All right.
Here it is.
Dear Douchebags.
I have a friend that serves instant coffee and he expects me to drink it.
Instant coffee, dude.
Ugh.
Have you had...
That's my daughter.
She likes instant coffee?
Yeah, she's weird.
Oh my God, how old is she?
32.
That's the stuff that like the Baby Boomers still drink.
The Sanka or whatever it is, or Taster's Choice or whatever.
I've taken...
I've taken handle of it.
Oh my God.
Oh.
Anyhow, on this letter it says, I've dealt with a lot of stupidity in my life, but this
is way up there.
I...
I agree.
Yeah.
At this point...
What next?
This dummy will offer me kale?
Oh God.
Oh.
I love the fact that they're doing kale because they know how we feel about kale.
Help me, douchebags, please.
What do I do?
Signed, No Sanka in Tampa.
Another cool little name moniker, right?
It doesn't quite rhyme, but it's good enough.
It gets the boy across.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I understand.
He's hurt.
I understand, yeah.
I would be hurt too.
You know, you go over there and...
Yeah.
They can't even brew a cup for you.
They give you this shit with like warm water.
Can I be the first to answer on this one?
Yeah.
Give it a go.
Well, here's what we wrote in.
Well, in our humble opinion, anyone that offers you instant is not a friend.
That's pretty much what you just said, right?
There you go.
Yep, yep, yep.
Well, here's things that we say you can do about it.
So, take it for what it is.
This is a couple of douchebags saying this, so remember that.
You can bring a sack of garbage, throw said garbage all over and kick it around on the floor.
Take the idiot's head, make sure they see all the garbage.
Explain to them that the fake coffee is the same thing.
So until they eat the garbage, you will never drink that liquid garbage.
Amen.
Okay, you know what?
Maybe that's not such bad advice.
Maybe we gave out some good one finally.
I think you did.
Number two, grab a bottle of rum as a creamer.
Put it in your instant, let's see, what the hell did we scribble down here?
Okay, put in 120.
Have we done that before?
Put in one twentieth of instant coffee.
Put it in a separate part.
And then put the other part, the other 19% in another cup.
Then fill the other cup with rum.
So you have one twentieth of coffee in one cup.
And then you have the other coffee full of rum.
Okay, so it mixes like one twentieth, you know, to the other 19%.
So it's basically just a little smidge of instant coffee and rum.
Then you fill the other cup with rum, drink the rum, and throw the instant coffee in your friend's face.
I agree with that one too.
I love it.
Number three, block the douche's number and never call them again.
Or number four, number four and the best one is, it's almost the Fourth of July.
Buy all the half sticks you can find, then blow them up all the canisters of fake coffee.
You're welcome, America.
Yay!
Dear Douchebag, save the world again.
One horrible piece of advice at a time.
So, alright.
So, did you find your story yet, Rob?
Oh, well, yeah, I came up with another one.
I gotta pull my screen back up here.
Alrighty.
Okay, you remember Carrie Anne from Polar Dice?
Yeah, oh yeah. Yep. Classic movie.
Yes, classic movie.
Her name is Heather O'Walters. Her actual name.
Okay.
Okay, I ran across this like fun fact type thing.
And it says there's a poster for the 1988 Super Bowl in a kid's room in Polar Dice.
Which is weird because the movie came out in 1982.
Which is true.
Uh huh, yeah, that sounds about right.
Even stranger and eerie and tragic coincidence on the day that that Super Bowl actress, Heather O'Walter, Carrie Anne, suddenly fell ill and died just hours later.
I knew she died at a young age, but I didn't know under the circumstances.
Now, I looked this up and I'm looking, okay, and what this picture is showing, on one side it's showing the picture where it shows the poster.
Uh huh.
Okay, you remember her brother Robbie?
Mm hmm.
In the movie.
Yeah.
It's hanging right above his bed.
Wow.
But it does say 1988, but it doesn't look like a Super Bowl poster, but it is a football, football poster.
Well, I don't think it really matters if it's a Super Bowl or a football poster.
But then it shows a picture of Carrie Anne on the other side of it.
Well, I looked it up.
Okay.
Heather O'Walter died February 1st, 1988.
Wow.
February would have been close to the Super Bowl, no matter what, you know, how many games they played.
It's always been played in February.
Heather, research who I am, I got you back on this.
Okay.
The Super Bowl was played January 31st, 1988.
One day off.
She, red skinned, defeated the Broncos.
Wow.
That was Doug Williams.
Black quarterback.
Yeah.
Yep.
Wow.
Yeah.
The Super Bowl was January 31st, 1988, and she died February 1st the next day.
And like I said, I'm looking at this picture from the movie.
And that poster is 1988, and it's a football poster.
Wow.
I mean, you can look at it.
I can't read all the wording on it, but it don't look like the Super Bowl.
But yeah, I mean, how about that?
I still think that that's interesting enough even without the Super Bowl slant to it.
You're right.
Right.
Yeah, that's kind of weird.
You got another story in there or?
Story, I don't know.
All right.
The floor is yours, Rob.
I need to get my phone to work with me here.
All right.
Coming up, insults to shut people down.
The drop money in Russia or two was so realistic that lots of it wound up in circulation in
Las Vegas casinos.
No shit.
Oh, that's cool.
The US had been changed to something else, which I haven't had a chance to look up to
what it said.
But apparently nobody knows, and the FBI ended up getting involved.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's pretty cool.
That's something I believe.
I think I can believe that too.
You're making a big hit movie like that.
There's going to be something that fake money would reach out to that.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah, I believe that completely.
You know that McMorris spoke again.
No, I did not.
What did he have to say?
All these lawsuits with Motley Crue and him suing back and all that stuff.
Well, I just got this.
This site is called Metal Injection, but I think Loudwire might have posted it first.
I'm not for sure.
But whoever posted it first, thank you.
Let's see.
All right.
As Motley Crue gears up to release new music, so does former guitarist Mick Mars in an interview
with Rolling Stone.
Oh, it's Rolling Stone.
Okay.
I love Rolling Stone.
Even to this day, I think it's a great mag.
Oh, I care, too.
I do, too.
Mars has unveiled his new debut solo album to be titled Another Side of Mars.
He is currently seeking out a record label to drop the album, which was described by
Rolling Stone.
Author Andy Green is darker and more aggressive than anything in the Crue catalog.
Oh, I can't wait to hear this.
Oh, wow.
That sounds good.
I like it so far.
Breaking news.
Carmine.
Breaking news.
Carmine, a piece on drums.
Yeah, there we go.
Carmine on drums, Mick Mars, guitar.
Despite plotting the release of his debut solo album, Mars also revealed that he has
no intention of touring.
I'm done touring, he said.
If somebody really, really wants a one-off or a couple of nights, I would probably do
it.
But all that travel stuff and planes, I'm way over it.
Oh, that's too bad.
I really wanted to see him solo.
Damn.
Yeah, yeah, that would be nice.
Mars also sadly confronted his own mortality in the same interview, admitting that his
battle with Angulosis spondylitis isn't getting any easier.
I sold my publishing.
The deal was just finalized, he said.
Now I can relax and don't have to worry about anything since, like I said, I'm probably
just going to live another seven or eight years.
Wow.
I'm old enough, man.
I'm not going to live to be 85 or 90.
I just have a feeling.
I don't want to either.
My brain doesn't want this ugly ass body that's all fucked up to keep going.
I wish I could just take the information out of my brain, put it on a chip, and into somebody
else or a robot.
That's still a lot of stuff going on up there.
Wow.
Well, that's...
Come on, Mick.
Do not go...
Oh, Mick, yeah.
I'm worried about...
Well, I don't know, man.
If it's mixed music and AI has to release it, I'd be good with it, I guess.
I'm old enough, man.
I'm just not going to...
Let's see.
Despite a lawsuit from Mars against his former bandmates with some spicy allegations over
backing tracks, he said he doesn't regret joining the band or the years he spent with
them.
His only regret is Motley Crue's 1997 album, Generation Swine.
I think that's all of their regrets.
None of them liked it.
We were different when we came...
Yeah.
Yeah, they say it's easy to be inconsistent.
Yeah.
I like some of it.
I mean, it wasn't the best thing they ever did by far, but I like some of it.
We were different when we came...
I was in a big band.
There were some songs on it that were good, but anyhow, I mean, to me.
So, I cannot...
Right.
I can't blame anyone for not liking it because it was such a departure from what they normally
did.
I get it.
We were different when we came out of the Sunset Strip note of Mars.
The rough spots were rough spots and hard to deal with, but I got to see the world and
play with a group that was this successful, so I don't regret anything besides Generation
Swine.
As for the aforementioned lawsuit and being ousted from the band, Mars feels exactly how
you think he feels.
Terrible.
When they wanted to get high and fuck everything up, I covered for them.
Now, they're trying to take my legacy away, my part of Motley Crue, my ownership of the
name, the brand.
How can you fire Mr. Hines from Hines Ketchup?
He owns it.
Frank Sinatra or Jimi Hendrix legacy goes on forever, and their hairs continue to profit
from it.
They're trying to take that away from me.
I'm not going to let them.
I love that.
He's going down fighting, and that's excellent.
Good for McMars.
He needs to.
Yes, he does.
He needs to.
Yes, he does.
He's been there from the get-go.
He helped start that band.
He deserves it.
I agree 100%.
He's been the realest one of them all so far.
Yeah.
I've always enjoyed McMars guitar playing more than anyone else.
Well, Vince Neil, when he could sing really good, and maybe he could again if he quit
some of his, I don't know, whatever's making him not sing good, maybe he just lost his
voice, I don't know.
When Nick could sing, he was the next thing that was fun.
Tommy Lee's bass, or I mean his drums, Nicky's bass was never good until now when he went
to the... got the lessons for five years.
Now he's really good, but McMars just... he just always sounded so clear, so precise,
so good, his own tone.
I mean, I always thought that he was the sound of the band more than anything else.
Now, Vince's banshee vocals were great.
Tommy Lee's thundering drums were great, but I don't know.
I just always had a special place for McMars.
He was always my favorite, and still is.
So, anyhow.
No, I totally agree with you on that.
Yeah.
I totally agree with you on that.
We always had a special spot for him.
Yep.
So Mick, we love you.
I hope you live... well, I guess he don't want to live more than eight or nine years.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrum.
Let's hear it.
Two blues lines in a one-stop.
Yeah.
And the tour thing, I guess, if he does a one-off somewhere,
I will do my damnedest to get there and sing it.
And that's pretty much about it.
So, yeah.
So, Mick, we love you, buddy.
Hey, where did everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Hmm.
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Ugh, I'm glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.