Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River,
it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors, and horrible pranks?
What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell. Go to the City Market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats,
Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone, pasteurized for your protection.
Alright, Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alrighty, well you know, I've got a new candidate for not only the Ass Paddling Hall of Fame,
but also an ass paddling.
Do you want to know who it is?
Who?
Tyreek Hill.
Oh really?
Yeah, you heard about his latest fiasco?
No, I haven't.
Okay. Alright, well evidently Tyreek Hill has been charged with assault down in Miami and battery.
There are at least two versions of what transpired on Sunday at a Halover Park Marina dock in Miami
between Dolphins receiver Tyreek Hill and a man who is allegedly hit in the head by Hill.
One appears in a police report, another appears in a new item on Charles Rabin of the Miami Herald.
The latter is slightly more interesting.
Per Rabin, and this is the guy from the Miami Herald,
the incident happened after Hill wanted to fish for tarpon on the dock.
They're prevalent in shallow waters.
Due to scrap stone overboard by the boats, Hill was told to stop fishing from the dock.
Words were exchanged and then Hill allegedly struck one of the men telling him to stop fishing.
The police report, as noted by Rabin, doesn't mention tarpon fishing.
The police report suggests the argument began when the two women were on a boat at the marina without permission.
According to Rabin's report, police were not called to the dock at that time.
The alleged victim reported the incident on Monday.
Whatever happened, the issue definitely is not over from the perspective of law enforcement.
The Miami-Dade police indicated that the state attorney's office,
that they will be forwarding the information to our office for further review, state attorney spokes at Griffin told Rabin.
The NFL has not issued a comment on the matter.
Under the terms of the personal conduct policy, the league should be investigating.
If the alleged victim wishes to press charges, he presumably would be willing to cooperate with the NFL's review of the situation.
If surveillance footage exists, the police report says it does,
the NFL would be wise to track it down because the NFL doesn't, TMZ will.
That's the truth. TMZ will find it down because they are on it like stink on shit, as we know, per his last incident.
Also, what was our running back? Kareem Hunt.
Everyone's a broke Kareem Hunt story and got him thrown off the team.
The NFL has not issued a comment on the matter.
Under the terms of the personal conduct policy, the league should be investigating.
If the alleged victim wishes to press charges, he presumably would be willing to cooperate with the NFL's review of the situation.
And remember this, Hill's history could be used to enhance any penalties applicable to the latest incident.
In 2015, he pleaded guilty to charges arising from the choking and punches of his then-pregnant girlfriend.
So that could be used against him on this whole matter too.
So, you wonder how come the Chiefs didn't break the bank?
I mean, they offered him a lot of money, don't get me wrong, and it was very fair.
But you want to know why they didn't go all out to try to sign the guy?
This is one of the reasons, right here. His history.
His past history would indicate, like even though he got out of a lot of the stuff that he was charged with here in Kansas City,
his past would indicate that he at least has incidents.
He has maybe lack of judgment dealing with people, or associating or have some sort of relationship with people that would maybe lead to bad things.
So, you can't invest that much money in a guy that, and not only that, but his age, his height, everything combined,
is why the Chiefs win Super Bowls, and the Miami Dolphins are still wanting to win a Super Bowl.
I mean, in the near future, I'm not talking about way back when with the undefeated team and all that.
Although Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl, but anyhow, they have won a Super Bowl before, and they have had great teams.
So, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is this team, with these people, haven't even sniffed a Super Bowl.
And this is probably why they may not, and this is probably why the Chiefs are always in the running, is because they make smarter decisions.
And I think this one about Hill may have been a really intelligent one, although at the time, they could not have gotten mother-fucked more.
In the media, people talking, people here in Kansas City, everybody was like, oh my God, the Chiefs reign is over.
You don't lose a talent like Tyreek Hill, and state is good, their offense is going to drop to number 10 if not lower.
Guess what? None of that happened. They were a solid number one with a bullet. They were a solid number one with everything.
Mahomes got another MVP trophy, got another Super Bowl ring, and Tyreek Hill is over there striking people in the back of the head at Marina's.
So, there you go. That is why the people down there at One Arrowhead Drive opted not to chase him and try to sign him, and opted to go ahead and let someone else sign him and get five draft picks, which led to our Super Bowl.
So, ding ding ding ding ding ding, I got a winner. And it's not the Dolphins, and it's not Tyreek Hill. So, anyhow, people keep lathering away, man. They hear you.
They hear you. You know what they do when they hear you? They keep winning. So, anyhow.
While we're on sports themes, do you remember anything about the 1997 finals with the Bulls? Michael Jordan's Fuzz.
I have a little bit.
His famous flu game. He had the flu. He was sicker than a fucking dog.
The value of his sneakers over the course of a decade has went up astronomically.
Anyhow, the sneakers worn by Michael Jordan during his flu game in parentheses in the 1997 NBA Finals sold for $1.38 million, including buyer's premium at an auction on Wednesday, according to a report by ESPN.
The sneakers worn during Game 5 of the finals were sold by Collectibles Marketplace Golden.
After putting up 38.7 rebounds and five assists, I remember this game well because I was already a Jordan fan and I already liked the Bulls because they were regional.
We lost our basketball team years ago in the late 70s. It could have been the early 80s, the Kings. But anyhow, I had to find another team.
This was Michael Jordan and the All-American Kid pretty much at the time. Watching that guy take over a game was just something amazing.
So anyhow, like I said, after 38.7 rebounds and five assists for the Bulls, while allegedly suffering from food poisoning, it was argued.
Some people said he was hungover. Who knows?
Jordan had given his signed sneakers to Preston Truman, a ball boy for the Utah Jazz, who had earned Jordan's favor by bringing him applesauce before games.
I remember reading that story and I thought that was so cool. Jordan was so neat that he was like, you bring me applesauce and hey man, here's my sneakers.
So the sneakers remained in Truman's possession for 15 years until 2013 when he co-signed them to be sold by Gray Flannel Auctions.
The sneakers proceeded to sell for $104,765, then a record for game worn shoes before appreciating in value by over 1200% over the next decade.
I don't know what happened that would make him appreciate so much, but who knows? Maybe it'll go on to the Sarko. We'll see.
While the sale of Jordan's flu game sneakers broke the million dollar threshold, the sale price fell short of the all-time record for a game worn pair of sneakers. I didn't know that.
The distinction belongs to the Air Jordan 8 breads that Jordan wore in the second half of Game 2 of the 1998 NBA Finals, which sold for $2.238 million in April.
Okay, is another Jordan Michael Jordan shoes.
Wow.
Yeah. So, okay.
Now, I've always been a huge Jordan fan. I gotta admit, I mean, if I had the money, I would, I admittedly would think about buying them up just to have them, but I would have to have a sickening amount of money.
And this is after, and this is after I help a lot of animals and stuff like that. You know, so anyhow, after I wipe my ass with millions and then like make people clean them off and use them.
When you do that.
Oh yeah. Yeah. When you take like $10,000 bills if they have them like wipe your ass with them and then give them to people go, you can use them if you can clean them.
Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah.
Longer than mine. Longer than mine.
Yeah, I would have like a midget nut scratcher.
Oh, can we, we can't say midget say more, can we.
Okay, it's little people right.
Yeah, I would have little people nut scratchers.
Like, you know, it's like in my nuts started itching. I would like have a little person on the left and on the right of me.
And I would go, righty.
Get the scratching.
Lefty, get the scratching.
And they would be dressed up. What would I dress them up in?
Um, let's see.
How about like little warlock outfits?
Alright. Okay. Yeah.
Or gnomes.
Or gnomes. Gnomes. Gnomes.
Yeah, they'll look like the they'll look like the traveling gnome. That's it. Yeah.
And one will be called lefty and one will be called righty. Okay.
And then I kind of snap my fingers. I go righty.
And then he knows to scratch my right nut.
I snap my fingers go lefty then he knows to scratch my left nut.
And if I snap both fingers on each hand.
And I go both and on my head and that both little peoples have to scratch each nut each nut that's allotted to them.
Sound good.
You gotta have a plan in life, right?
Yeah, you do.
You do. Yeah. That sounds solid as anything doesn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Who could argue with that?
Great plan all the way through.
Did you know that New York City has a horrible rat problem?
I've heard that.
Yeah. Did you know that they decided to hire their first rat czar?
No.
They did.
I thought it was silly enough when our lovable Quentin Lucas mayor here in Kansas City hired a pot hole czar.
Which I very kiddingly said in a couple of messages about I wanted to wear a superheroes tights suit.
And I wanted to go around with a bottle of spray paint.
And I was going to go around and I was going to mark all these pot holes with a big fluorescent orange X.
And I wanted to be the pot hole czar.
I never got a reply.
Nothing.
And that hurt my feelings.
Wouldn't that be fantastic to be a pot hole czar?
Yeah.
You go around and go ta-da!
And you shhh.
My job is done.
Now they know.
This is a pot hole.
Now they know to fill it.
So therefore I must go on.
I must go on and find more pot holes to spray.
But no.
Not one answer.
Nothing.
Just no.
No.
Just dust.
Just tumbleweeds.
Well I'm hurt Lucas.
I'm hurt.
So anyhow.
So this rat czar.
New York City Mayor Eric Adams today appointed Kathleen Karate as the city's first ever citywide
director of rodent mitigation.
Also known as the rat czar.
Director of rodent mitigation.
What fucks.
What the fuck.
Okay.
In this newly created role Karate will coordinate across the city government agencies, community
organizations, and the private sector to reduce the rat population in New York City.
Building a cleaner, more welcoming city and tackling a major quality of life and health
issue.
Mayor Adams also announced that the new Harlem Rat Mitigation Zone and a 3.5 million investment
starting in fiscal year 2023 to expand and accelerate rat reduction work access Harlem.
New York City has done a lot recently when it comes to fighting public enemy number one
rats.
But it was clear we needed someone solely focused on leading our rat reduction efforts
across all five boroughs.
Where do you start?
I think our number one problem is they call their districts boroughs.
I think rats here are boroughs and they're like oh that's great that's where I want to
live.
Right?
If you're a rat you wouldn't want to live in a district right?
That sounds like human stuff.
Like a district?
Oh fuck no man they'll try to get me with those fucking homeowner association fees and
all that.
I want to live in a borough.
So they have five boroughs so all the rats go there they're like man I want to live in
a borough that's where rats live.
They don't live in districts they don't live in townships.
They want to live in boroughs.
So right there Mayor Adams I have your answer.
Stop calling them boroughs.
Mayor Adams said Kathy has the knowledge drive experience and energy to send rats backing
and create a cleaner more welcoming city for all New Yorkers.
Beginning with this 3.5 million investment towards eroded mitigation in Harlem Kathy
will take the lead in our multi-agency effort to test new mitigation techniques, expand
outreach and education efforts and increase maintenance and remedication work.
The rats are going to hate Kathy but we're excited to have her lead in this important
effort.
What a couple of fucks.
I want to see this stupid looking Kathleen Karate.
You ought to see this picture of her.
She looks like Melissa McCarthy on heroin.
I want to see her at a rat czar tights like walking around.
No more rats.
We shall kill rats.
We destroy rats.
Rats do not get near New York City anymore.
Okay anyhow.
Good luck there.
Good luck there Eric Adams.
Good luck there Kathy Karate.
You have your work put out for you there but if I was her I would just walk around these
rat areas and the rats will run in fright when they see her.
So there you go people.
That's why New York City is a stupid place.
So.
You've never been there?
Oh I have.
I've been there on numerous jobs and it's not a lot of fun.
You know without going into it there was all these stupid fucking rules at these job sites.
All this stuff that you had to hoops and stuff that you had to jump through.
That guy they just would not get off your fucking ass so you could get a job done.
Right.
Constant this and that and the other I found it to be a very unproductive place.
Two douchebags and a microphone says.
You ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass?
Just asking.
We're continuing our quest here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone to be constantly funny.
Once again we offer you strange insults from an alien.
When you also get it from your computer will your head go so attached?
Two douchebags and a microphone.
More fun than a Taser 2 Juggler Bay.
I had a request from my friend Lona that listens to this podcast and will probably listen to this.
She's going way back with this elaborate prank and I've forgotten all about it actually.
There's more on this level specifically that I can tell you about.
This is in general this elaborate prank and it's a really good vicious line of events.
Anyhow, we're going to go into some humor now.
We've done some serious stuff.
My great buddy Davey, I think a lot of people know him.
I know Davey.
See?
Jesse knows Davey.
So three out of three, Cindy knows Davey, Val knows Davey, and everybody in the whole world knows him.
When we were teenagers, every summer his parents would go to Truman Lake.
They'd take their camper there and they'd be gone pretty much from Memorial weekend to Labor Day weekend.
A good two and a half month stretch.
Sometimes it was stretching to three depending on how they felt.
So anyhow, this meant one thing.
Party house.
So Davey and I had some evil tricks that we like to play on the people.
The people that all partied at the house for a while, they were all in on the gag because they probably hadn't happened to them before.
So anyhow, they were a victim at one point and then after they got through with the hurt and the embarrassment and the blues,
they were like, okay, all right, well it's time for someone else.
So new guys that would come to the house didn't know about this, but the people that were there for a while, they knew they were safe.
So anyhow, one of the things that we would do is we'd all be getting trashed.
But anyone that wasn't at Davey's house before would not know this.
There was a refrigerator in the back room that contained all the sodas, all the Dr. Peppers, all the cokes, all that, you know, the Sprites, what have you, Mountain Dews.
Dr. Peppers were all in the back fridge.
And the front fridge was full of useful stuff like food and stuff like that.
So anyhow, we'd all be getting smashed.
Anyhow, you know, someone would wake up and they'd be parched, so they would look for something that they could drink and also have caffeine.
We didn't believe in coffee back then.
What did they do? Coffee didn't exist. It was all soda coffee.
So what we would do is we would take a can of soda and we would open it up and drink it or throw it out or whatever.
Probably drink it most likely. We weren't that stupid.
And we would piss it.
Wow. So when we take this can of open Dr. Pepper, let's say, and with all the content gone, we would piss in it and then we'd stick it back in the fridge.
Ouch.
But like I said, the people who've been there for a while, they knew about it.
The new people didn't know.
Don't drink from the front fridge. Drink from the back fridge.
Well, if people have been there for a while, they'd be like, uh, uh, uh, I ain't getting this one right here.
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Oh my God.
I'm going to go get this one in the back room.
So, uh, anyhow, you know, uh, it would usually end up like this.
We'd hear a scream and some cussing and some threats and stuff like that.
And then we'd come down there and everyone would like, no one would know who did it.
We're like, what? Are you fucking joking me?
And then, uh, you know, go over there if they didn't like throw it against the wall or something, smell it.
Oh my God, it is pissed.
Hey, we're going to find out who did this, man. I'm sorry.
You know, and then you have already make excuse like, well, oh man, I was collecting this urine sample for my dog.
I got to take him to the vet later. So sorry. I should have marked the only thing I had was a Dr. Pepper can.
And you have to be the purse sucker. They went in on the conversation.
You know how tough it was to get that dog to pee into that Dr. Pepper?
Now it's ruined. And it had to be a day old. My dog's going to die because you drank his piss.
So anyhow, you drink the dog's piss and the dog dies. That's pretty bad.
I can't get the sample to the vet in time and he's definitely ill. Thanks a lot, fuck face.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Hey, you forever feel yourself in the pocket. It's not even in your head.
Remember to send all male body part photos to Rob Rad's inbox.
Yeah, you're something that caught my attention the other day.
Two douchebags, one microphone. I'm Mark. I'm Christopher.
Good morning, afternoon, evening, wherever the hell it is. When you're listening to us.
It's two in the morning somewhere. Yeah, and you're stoned off your ass. You're questioning why.
I've got answers but they're not the right ones. No. Matter of fact, whatever we say, do the opposite.
That sounds like a good plan. The polar opposite. Not just kind of opposite, the exact opposite of what we say, do.
Yes. And you'll be fine. If they jump off the cliff, then you've got to go climb the mountain.
That's right. So, alright, Christopher, you have some stuff that you'd like to start talking about.
Sure, yeah. I have this really bad habit of watching commercials. I hate commercials. I turn the sound down.
They grab my attention sometimes anyway. But this one was interesting. It was...
That means they're good commercials. You realize that. That's true.
Men pay attention to commercials. Women do not. My wife always tells me, why don't you just ignore them?
No, that's what Val does all the time. It's like, turn it. I'm like, no, no, no, I like this commercial.
You know, it's like I have this theory. Jamie, the progressive, is much better than Flo.
Jamie should be the star. But now they have a merging chick that talks everybody into everything by talking them out of it.
And she should be the new star. But they always put Flo in there. It's like, no, she's old Hyde. Get her the fuck out of there.
Yeah, yeah. We've seen a lot of Flo. Yeah, we have. Flo can get the fuck out. And Jamie could like, you know...
It was a great character that they developed after Flo. And then now they have this new one.
And then I don't know if the black guy's ever going to do anything there. Just kind of be the ancillary guy that likes to fish.
Yeah. Just kind of like makes a little quip here and there.
There's only one commercial that kind of featured him where he was daydreaming during a lecture by Flo.
And everyone wound up in his happy place. Yeah, and he's like, what the hell you guys doing here?
So anyhow, I'm sorry, back to your commercial. Okay.
Well, the premise of the commercial was they were showing this, oh, I would say 12 year old girl who was in a public school.
Yes. And everything that could possibly go wrong in your public school was going wrong, with the exception of a school shooter.
So there was a kid kicking... Give it time. Yes.
There was a kid kicking your desk. You had a teacher that was flipping out and you had, let's see, bullies in the hallways, lockers that were stuck.
Just, you know, all the bad things about public school.
And then the girl decided she'd had enough, walked out the front door and then you realize, well, it's commercial for a school at home online service.
And it takes you kindergarten through 12th grade and it's all paid for.
I think it's paid for just like public school to pay for it.
But it's an at home alternative to sending your kid to what may be a pretty unsafe environment in a public school.
So that got me thinking, has the time for public schools passed?
Is it time to dismantle the whole public schools sending your kids to a giant building with a bunch of other kids?
It just doesn't make sense anymore.
I have been along this thought for a long time. Yeah.
Now, like I've always said, I'm really down the middle.
I lean right on some things left on others. It depends on what it is. Yeah.
One thing I lean right on is school choice.
So if a school is failing, let it fail.
Yeah, I kind of think that too. Yeah.
Because they're not doing any good anyhow.
Maybe we should make homeschooling the norm. Yeah.
And if you want to send your kid to one of these public schools, well, I guess you can.
But, you know, maybe that should be looked on as odd and strange.
My thought is this, you have to have a very elaborate, in-depth system of testing the kids.
You can't just give them an online course and go, oh, they learned everything. It's good. Yeah.
You have to have someone like go to the house and give them this test and to certify that they know everything that a high school graduate should know.
Yep. And you don't need to have a building all year round to do those occasional tests. Yes.
You can do that in a meeting room at a hotel. And that will get rid of another nuisance. Yeah.
The teacher's union. There we go. Yeah. Yeah.
And everything associated with public education has been around long enough to be completely corrupt.
And be full of people who are just milking the system.
Throw it all away. It's old and done with.
Model T was a great idea, but we don't use it anymore.
Coal-powered locomotives don't take our freighted passengers across the country on rails anymore.
It's a great idea. We don't owe them any kind of lifelong existence.
We dumped their asses as soon as we found a better system.
Yep. I think public schools, it's time to dump their asses. Yeah.
And have a better system because you put all these kids together and the idea is, well, they learn to share its diversity.
And they learn about other cultures. No, they're not. They're just kind of trying to survive.
Gangs form. Groups that exclude form. Yeah.
You can learn about other cultures and other diversity by just getting out of your house and going downtown.
Agreed. Or going to any kind of public event. There are enough people different from whoever you want to point to.
Just pick a random person in a crowd and you can find 20 people within 10 miles who look different because we have diversity here.
So you don't need to force it in a school. Just get out and experience life. Exactly.
I mean, we look at where we're at right now with the beautiful historic river market district in Kansas City, Missouri.
Close to the beautiful crystal clear blue waters of the Missouri River. That's right.
And there's diversity everywhere. And it's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing.
Yeah. Everybody just kind of doing what they need to do to get along.
People are mainly polite, mainly nice, respectful to each other. And people generally will do this.
So it doesn't need to be forced on anybody. No.
This also, to me, goes back to the main, what should be the main focus, parenting. Yeah.
Parenting. You don't have parenting in the classroom. You have parenting at home where it should exist, where it should be.
Yeah. You instill into your children what you think is right and wrong.
You know, there's these free-range children everywhere. And it's just insane. You can't tell who they belong to.
Go into a Walmart one time and try to pick the parents out of the lineup.
It's not easy. No, no. Just like I saw a father the other day, it's two boys.
Oh, hey, look, there's a freezer room. Let's go run in it. OK, just one time.
It's a public place where people are shopping. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, huh?
No, my dad would have said no. No, no, no, no. Next time you're not coming with me.
And as a matter of fact, we're going to have to talk about this out in the car. Yeah.
So these kids run in front of everybody, an old lady, all these other people almost slip and fall, almost break all this stuff, all these eggs that are in there and stuff.
And dad's like, hehehe. It's like, no, no, you, you are the problem. Not the children. The children don't know better. You should.
Do you think it would be a good idea to call out someone like that?
Would it do any good for some to walk up that guy at that moment and say, you're a bad parent? Would it do any good, you think?
No, because they would be too busy defending themselves whether they were right or wrong.
Yeah. I wonder if it would make any difference in the kids' lives to see someone telling their parents, you're bad at what you do.
That's a good question. Yeah. I think it depends on the child. Yeah.
Because some children, you look at them and they think entitlement all the way. You can see them like, I can do this because I'm me.
I've been put on a pedestal. I'm the only boy in the last three generations that I'm loved. I'm revered.
Or they've just been told all their lives that what you want to do is just as important as everybody else. That's the other thing.
Which isn't true because if you want to go crash your airplane and everybody else wants to live, then no, what you want to do isn't as important. Exactly.
It depends on what you want. You can't just blanket say. Everyone has the exact same full right to have their opinions shouted from the rooftops.
And another problem with this is it's not just the caretakers, in quotations. It's not just the snowflakes.
Yeah, it's not just the snowflakes. It's every brand and creed of people that do this. Yeah.
They put their children on these pedestals and they can't do any wrong. And if anyone ever tries to attempt to tell them they are doing wrong, they flip out and just like all of a sudden the sky is falling.
How dare you say that to my child? How dare you say that to me? Yeah, their child is their whole identity. Yes.
Which is a horrible burden for your child and a sick way to live your life. Yes.
And also I see parents that are afraid of their children. Oh yeah.
You know, it's like, oh no, if I try to discipline him, he's just going to be a dick the rest of the day. He's going to scream and kick animals.
It's like, okay, then the day is over. Yeah. The day is over. He goes back in the car. He goes home. He gets in his room without any tablet or anything.
And he sits there and he thinks about life for a while. But people want to have children, but they don't want to raise them. They want the hard work part.
No, they just want to have their 2.3 like the guy down the road does. Yeah.
I know some parents and I've seen them go through the dilemma of the child's misbehaving. So you say, okay, no video game time, no computer time, no cell phone time.
You're cut off from all your media for the rest of the day, which is a punishment for the kid.
But then the kid makes the parent's life miserable. Well, I can't watch my show. I can't play with my phone. Then what am I going to do? I'm bored, entertaining.
Logs to split. The parent would rather do anything rather than spend time with their kid. Bingo.
Or entertain their kid or come up with something to do together. That is one of the best examples there right now. That ends most of it right there.
The parent wants to sit the child in front of that electronic babysitter. Well, that's how come all these SUVs have these DVD players.
That's it. It's not because you care for your child. It's because you want your child to shut the fuck up when they're in the back seat. Exactly.
That's why you buy those rear seat DVD screens. Not because you love your kid, but you can't stand to hear your kid's voice while you're driving.
That's the protection tax. Here you go. Watch this and you'll shut up and I won't have to deal with you. Yep. Yep.
So homeschooling would pretty much force parents to deal with their own children and how they behave more. Yes. Which is going to only be a good thing.
I think it would be, parents would be more intertwined, more emotionally connected. And form support groups. Yes.
You know, mom over here talks with dad over there and says how do you handle it when your eight year old refuses to whatever. They say, well here's what we've tried.
Here's the pictures of the bloody stub. Right? The more I think about it, the less sense it makes to keep pouring money and effort and oh my god, there's so much money into public schools and it's not going to fix it, not going to get better.
You've got to learn when to stop beating that dead horse and start riding a camel instead.
Another thing is, what about privatizing it? And here I'll give you an example. I'm mixed about this because privatizing a lot of things aren't good.
Like when they privatized some prisons, all of a sudden the prison rate went way up in that district because they needed people in there to make money.
So that's probably not a good idea. Or at least the corruption order doesn't work.
So I don't know if this is a good idea because then they'll be trying to stick kids in there no matter what.
You know, they're flunking out. We don't care pass them anyhow.
Because I had that growing up in my school district. Let's say the school district had 2,000 kids. But I think it was much less than that.
They went to 1-9-9-9. All of a sudden they went to 1-A.
Older just fell from the sky. Oh, God. I think the world's over. There's five or six of them.
Oh, shit. Well, one just missed us. That was crazy.
If they went to 1-9-9-9-9 or whatever, 1-9-9-9, all of a sudden they're in a different classification with much less tax money to work.
So they couldn't have that one person dropping out. So they would do everything they could to get that kid to come in.
I watched it firsthand. They're just like, oh, just sit in the room. You'd have that same thing going on. Only worse.
Pretty much when you have money as the incentive, that works for the person giving the money and the individual person receiving the money.
It doesn't work at all for anybody else. So if you privatize the school, then the government will get a break because they don't have to spend the money.
The private companies will set up a system which looks good on the surface and makes them the most money as quickly as possible.
And that's all you're going to have. Schools really will become just a place to warehouse your kids and pay for the privilege.
Yeah.
I mean, if you think about privatizing as would you want someone to privatize the fire department where you had to pay a monthly subscription and then you had to call and ask if they can, you know,
can I please make an appointment for you to come put my house fire out tomorrow or maybe the next week?
You know, there's a private company privatized. They don't have to obey the same rules as a public utility does. They make up their own rules.
What is probably going to get hamstrung by other rules also. Yeah. Governmental rules. It's like, look, we know this handicapped person can't like grab a guy and save him, but he's got to be there because he's part of the quota.
So that would probably raise your rates in the first place. Insurance would go up when you have three or four people that couldn't do the job, but you have to have them there because of the quota.
So, yeah, I'm with you. I think really the best answer is homeschooling. And I think it should be tax credits to do it. That way you have an incentive.
We don't send people to a big school to learn how to operate their cell phones or navigate the computer screen. That's right.
That's something you learn from other people. You pick up from your friends or parents and you become perfectly well skilled at it.
You know, we don't send people to big schools to learn how to drive a car. People just do. You know, they learn. You know, their parents teach them, other people teach them.
We can do the same thing with pretty much the public school curriculum. And we also could have a more tailored curriculum.
If your kid wants to study religion and he wants to study this religion, but not that, then you don't have to take the whole classroom through it.
That one student can study what they want. That's right. Your student needs to study a foreign language.
Right now it's like French or Spanish. That's kind of it. But why not say any foreign language will do. You're studying on your own. If you want to learn Hindu, do it.
Yeah, do it. And it'll be a part of your curriculum. Yeah. You get the same credit to somebody who learned Spanish or somebody learned German or somebody learned Japanese.
You can target your ethnicity too. You can target what you want. Let's say that you have relatives. I have relatives in Canada and Greece.
The ones in Canada speak English of course, but the ones in Greece, a lot of them don't. But it'd be great to be able to speak to them and have that option at school to learn it.
I think we would get better educated kids, more involved parents, and probably better young adults as a result.
But the sticking point is, can't you imagine a whole country full of parents saying, what? Me give up free time to get involved in my kid's life? Hell no.
That's the biggest issue to me. That is the biggest issue. I think if there is enough of a groundswell, you could probably find a way to get it done.
But I think that most people think about it and go, oh wait a minute, uh uh, who's doing that? Me? No, no, no, no.
I have to give up my social media time to learn over spelling words. I can't go out to the bar and drink because we have to study for a book report.
I have my podcast every Monday for God's sake. How am I going to get that done with a little fucking Rugrat fucking poking at me?
And then think of the social pressure relief when you're not trying to look the part. You go to school and you're trying to physically fit in the way you look, the way you act, the way you dress, the way you speak.
None of that would matter if you're not going to this giant public school where you can be judged on all these things.
We could be giving them the Indian sunburns and shit going on in the nerd.
Yeah, I mean that's what big brothers are for, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and hurkle pants.
I think we should say Native American sunburns. Oh, I'm sorry, Native American sunburns.
And then have the wet towels and smack it on the ass with it until it bleeds.
Good times. Good times.
Except when you're the littlest one.
Yeah, oh yeah. Thank God I was never the littlest one.
Oh yeah.
So that was my thought on public schools.
If someone intimidates you, just imagine them on a table being wiped like a baby. Openings for wet wipey.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors and horrible pranks. What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
Hi everybody, this is Mark and I have another Quick Hits for you.
This is Bentonville, Arkansas' tessical festival. It's true. Look it up.
August 24th and 25th, 26th and 27th, 2023 at the Benton County Fairgrounds, 7640 Southwest Regional Airport Boulevard, Bentonville, Arkansas.
Yeah. So this is pretty much what you think it is. It is a festival about testicles.
And it says right here, we've made some exciting changes since last year. We're moving toward a BYOB model to avoid the governmental headaches.
We ran into with the ABC and bring you the best testicle festival possible.
This August you're invited back to an even bigger, better party. When the freedom to host activities like ladies' oil wrestling, you're in for a wild, fun weekend.
Come camp with us and bring a cooler full of favorite beer. We've got great live music, food trucks and plenty of friars to keep the balls flowing.
Cooler stickers are only 10 bucks for the entire weekend.
The scheduled Thursday, 11 a.m. camper loading arrival registration begins.
6 p.m. Tessical Festival opens for general admission.
6 p.m. Lighted cornhole registration begins.
6 p.m. The dirty strings.
7.30 Lighted cornhole tournament begins.
8 o'clock small bonfire.
8 o'clock Eureka strings.
10 p.m. Mountain Sprout.
Friday, 11 a.m. Tessical Festival opens for general admission.
12 p.m. Dusty Smith.
1 p.m. Timmy Ray.
2 p.m. Tennessee Dreaming.
3 p.m. Joe Tyler.
4 p.m. Philip Good.
5 p.m. Time Arch.
6 p.m. Undy 800.
6.30 Magnificent Mullets of Lundell.
8 p.m. Medium Bonfire.
8 p.m. Dusty Black.
9.30 Best Beard Contest.
10 p.m. Brian Martin.
12 a.m. Campfire Time.
Saturday, 10 a.m. Tessical Festival opens for general admission.
11 a.m. Austin Tolliver.
12.30 Truck and Motorcycle Show starts.
1 p.m. Cypress Spring.
2.30 Ball Eating Contest.
3 p.m. Dusty Lee.
4.30 p.m. Wet T-shirt Contest.
5 p.m. Justin Champagne.
6.30 Topless Sack Race.
7 p.m. Charlie Farley.
8 p.m. Large Bonfire.
8.30 p.m. Ladies Oil Wrestling.
10 p.m. Who TF is Justin Time?
12 a.m. Campfire Time.
Sunday, Ball Throwing Contest.
Oh my God. Let's see what it says.
There's Wet T-shirt Contest.
There's Topless Sack Race.
Ladies Oil Wrestling.
Ball Throwing Contest.
Don't worry about your balls.
We'll remain intact.
Whether you call them Rocky Mountain Oysters, Cowboy Caviar, Tender Groin, or simply Bulls Balls,
we've ordered a metric ton of Bull Balls, and they'll be served all weekend long.
Come partake in this Midwest Delicacy.
Wow. This is insane. I can't believe it. Let's see.
Gosh. See what else I can find here.
Tank camping, 99 bucks for the whole thing.
Electric tank campsite, 149 dollars.
RV camping, 199.
Electric RV, 299.
Electric water RV campsite, 349.
Alright, you have to do the reservations for all of that in advance.
A weekend pass is 29 bucks.
Grab a shirt.
Oh wow, yeah, let's see.
Come to the Testicle Festival and you can buy a shirt for 39 bucks.
A T-shirt.
Alright, well, okay.
Anyhow, that's pretty much about it from the Testicle Festival.
I just had to share this with you because
it's fucking funny.
Alright, someone said they have Testicle Festivals everywhere,
but I have not seen one until I found this one.
A friend of mine sent it to me and I was like, huh?
So, anyhow, there you go.
Be seeing you.