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Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,

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from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River,

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it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.

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Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors, and horrible pranks?

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What the fuck is wrong with these guys?

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This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.

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People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.

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One, smell. Go to the City Market and start sniffing.

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Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats,

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Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.

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Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.

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Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.

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Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.

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Two Douchebags and a Microphone, pasteurized for your protection.

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Alright, Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I'm Mark.

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And I'm Rob.

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Alrighty, well you know, I've got a new candidate for not only the Ass Paddling Hall of Fame,

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but also an ass paddling.

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Do you want to know who it is?

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Who?

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Tyreek Hill.

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Oh really?

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Yeah, you heard about his latest fiasco?

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No, I haven't.

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Okay. Alright, well evidently Tyreek Hill has been charged with assault down in Miami and battery.

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There are at least two versions of what transpired on Sunday at a Halover Park Marina dock in Miami

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between Dolphins receiver Tyreek Hill and a man who is allegedly hit in the head by Hill.

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One appears in a police report, another appears in a new item on Charles Rabin of the Miami Herald.

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The latter is slightly more interesting.

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Per Rabin, and this is the guy from the Miami Herald,

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the incident happened after Hill wanted to fish for tarpon on the dock.

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They're prevalent in shallow waters.

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Due to scrap stone overboard by the boats, Hill was told to stop fishing from the dock.

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Words were exchanged and then Hill allegedly struck one of the men telling him to stop fishing.

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The police report, as noted by Rabin, doesn't mention tarpon fishing.

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The police report suggests the argument began when the two women were on a boat at the marina without permission.

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According to Rabin's report, police were not called to the dock at that time.

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The alleged victim reported the incident on Monday.

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Whatever happened, the issue definitely is not over from the perspective of law enforcement.

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The Miami-Dade police indicated that the state attorney's office,

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that they will be forwarding the information to our office for further review, state attorney spokes at Griffin told Rabin.

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The NFL has not issued a comment on the matter.

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Under the terms of the personal conduct policy, the league should be investigating.

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If the alleged victim wishes to press charges, he presumably would be willing to cooperate with the NFL's review of the situation.

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If surveillance footage exists, the police report says it does,

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the NFL would be wise to track it down because the NFL doesn't, TMZ will.

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That's the truth. TMZ will find it down because they are on it like stink on shit, as we know, per his last incident.

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Also, what was our running back? Kareem Hunt.

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Everyone's a broke Kareem Hunt story and got him thrown off the team.

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The NFL has not issued a comment on the matter.

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Under the terms of the personal conduct policy, the league should be investigating.

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If the alleged victim wishes to press charges, he presumably would be willing to cooperate with the NFL's review of the situation.

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And remember this, Hill's history could be used to enhance any penalties applicable to the latest incident.

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In 2015, he pleaded guilty to charges arising from the choking and punches of his then-pregnant girlfriend.

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So that could be used against him on this whole matter too.

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So, you wonder how come the Chiefs didn't break the bank?

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I mean, they offered him a lot of money, don't get me wrong, and it was very fair.

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But you want to know why they didn't go all out to try to sign the guy?

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This is one of the reasons, right here. His history.

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His past history would indicate, like even though he got out of a lot of the stuff that he was charged with here in Kansas City,

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his past would indicate that he at least has incidents.

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He has maybe lack of judgment dealing with people, or associating or have some sort of relationship with people that would maybe lead to bad things.

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So, you can't invest that much money in a guy that, and not only that, but his age, his height, everything combined,

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is why the Chiefs win Super Bowls, and the Miami Dolphins are still wanting to win a Super Bowl.

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I mean, in the near future, I'm not talking about way back when with the undefeated team and all that.

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Although Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl, but anyhow, they have won a Super Bowl before, and they have had great teams.

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So, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is this team, with these people, haven't even sniffed a Super Bowl.

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And this is probably why they may not, and this is probably why the Chiefs are always in the running, is because they make smarter decisions.

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And I think this one about Hill may have been a really intelligent one, although at the time, they could not have gotten mother-fucked more.

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In the media, people talking, people here in Kansas City, everybody was like, oh my God, the Chiefs reign is over.

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You don't lose a talent like Tyreek Hill, and state is good, their offense is going to drop to number 10 if not lower.

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Guess what? None of that happened. They were a solid number one with a bullet. They were a solid number one with everything.

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Mahomes got another MVP trophy, got another Super Bowl ring, and Tyreek Hill is over there striking people in the back of the head at Marina's.

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So, there you go. That is why the people down there at One Arrowhead Drive opted not to chase him and try to sign him, and opted to go ahead and let someone else sign him and get five draft picks, which led to our Super Bowl.

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So, ding ding ding ding ding ding, I got a winner. And it's not the Dolphins, and it's not Tyreek Hill. So, anyhow, people keep lathering away, man. They hear you.

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They hear you. You know what they do when they hear you? They keep winning. So, anyhow.

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While we're on sports themes, do you remember anything about the 1997 finals with the Bulls? Michael Jordan's Fuzz.

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I have a little bit.

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His famous flu game. He had the flu. He was sicker than a fucking dog.

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The value of his sneakers over the course of a decade has went up astronomically.

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Anyhow, the sneakers worn by Michael Jordan during his flu game in parentheses in the 1997 NBA Finals sold for $1.38 million, including buyer's premium at an auction on Wednesday, according to a report by ESPN.

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The sneakers worn during Game 5 of the finals were sold by Collectibles Marketplace Golden.

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After putting up 38.7 rebounds and five assists, I remember this game well because I was already a Jordan fan and I already liked the Bulls because they were regional.

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We lost our basketball team years ago in the late 70s. It could have been the early 80s, the Kings. But anyhow, I had to find another team.

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This was Michael Jordan and the All-American Kid pretty much at the time. Watching that guy take over a game was just something amazing.

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So anyhow, like I said, after 38.7 rebounds and five assists for the Bulls, while allegedly suffering from food poisoning, it was argued.

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Some people said he was hungover. Who knows?

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Jordan had given his signed sneakers to Preston Truman, a ball boy for the Utah Jazz, who had earned Jordan's favor by bringing him applesauce before games.

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I remember reading that story and I thought that was so cool. Jordan was so neat that he was like, you bring me applesauce and hey man, here's my sneakers.

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So the sneakers remained in Truman's possession for 15 years until 2013 when he co-signed them to be sold by Gray Flannel Auctions.

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The sneakers proceeded to sell for $104,765, then a record for game worn shoes before appreciating in value by over 1200% over the next decade.

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I don't know what happened that would make him appreciate so much, but who knows? Maybe it'll go on to the Sarko. We'll see.

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While the sale of Jordan's flu game sneakers broke the million dollar threshold, the sale price fell short of the all-time record for a game worn pair of sneakers. I didn't know that.

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The distinction belongs to the Air Jordan 8 breads that Jordan wore in the second half of Game 2 of the 1998 NBA Finals, which sold for $2.238 million in April.

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Okay, is another Jordan Michael Jordan shoes.

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Wow.

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Yeah. So, okay.

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Now, I've always been a huge Jordan fan. I gotta admit, I mean, if I had the money, I would, I admittedly would think about buying them up just to have them, but I would have to have a sickening amount of money.

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And this is after, and this is after I help a lot of animals and stuff like that. You know, so anyhow, after I wipe my ass with millions and then like make people clean them off and use them.

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When you do that.

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Oh yeah. Yeah. When you take like $10,000 bills if they have them like wipe your ass with them and then give them to people go, you can use them if you can clean them.

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Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah.

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Longer than mine. Longer than mine.

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Yeah, I would have like a midget nut scratcher.

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Oh, can we, we can't say midget say more, can we.

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Okay, it's little people right.

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Yeah, I would have little people nut scratchers.

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Like, you know, it's like in my nuts started itching. I would like have a little person on the left and on the right of me.

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And I would go, righty.

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Get the scratching.

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Lefty, get the scratching.

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And they would be dressed up. What would I dress them up in?

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Um, let's see.

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How about like little warlock outfits?

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Alright. Okay. Yeah.

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Or gnomes.

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Or gnomes. Gnomes. Gnomes.

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Yeah, they'll look like the they'll look like the traveling gnome. That's it. Yeah.

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And one will be called lefty and one will be called righty. Okay.

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And then I kind of snap my fingers. I go righty.

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And then he knows to scratch my right nut.

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I snap my fingers go lefty then he knows to scratch my left nut.

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And if I snap both fingers on each hand.

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And I go both and on my head and that both little peoples have to scratch each nut each nut that's allotted to them.

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Sound good.

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You gotta have a plan in life, right?

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Yeah, you do.

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You do. Yeah. That sounds solid as anything doesn't it?

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Yeah.

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Yeah. Yeah. Who could argue with that?

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Great plan all the way through.

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Did you know that New York City has a horrible rat problem?

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I've heard that.

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Yeah. Did you know that they decided to hire their first rat czar?

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No.

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They did.

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I thought it was silly enough when our lovable Quentin Lucas mayor here in Kansas City hired a pot hole czar.

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Which I very kiddingly said in a couple of messages about I wanted to wear a superheroes tights suit.

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And I wanted to go around with a bottle of spray paint.

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And I was going to go around and I was going to mark all these pot holes with a big fluorescent orange X.

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And I wanted to be the pot hole czar.

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I never got a reply.

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Nothing.

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And that hurt my feelings.

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Wouldn't that be fantastic to be a pot hole czar?

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Yeah.

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You go around and go ta-da!

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And you shhh.

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My job is done.

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Now they know.

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This is a pot hole.

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Now they know to fill it.

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So therefore I must go on.

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I must go on and find more pot holes to spray.

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But no.

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Not one answer.

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Nothing.

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Just no.

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No.

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Just dust.

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Just tumbleweeds.

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Well I'm hurt Lucas.

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I'm hurt.

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So anyhow.

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So this rat czar.

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New York City Mayor Eric Adams today appointed Kathleen Karate as the city's first ever citywide

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director of rodent mitigation.

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Also known as the rat czar.

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Director of rodent mitigation.

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What fucks.

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What the fuck.

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Okay.

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In this newly created role Karate will coordinate across the city government agencies, community

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organizations, and the private sector to reduce the rat population in New York City.

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Building a cleaner, more welcoming city and tackling a major quality of life and health

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issue.

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Mayor Adams also announced that the new Harlem Rat Mitigation Zone and a 3.5 million investment

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starting in fiscal year 2023 to expand and accelerate rat reduction work access Harlem.

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New York City has done a lot recently when it comes to fighting public enemy number one

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rats.

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But it was clear we needed someone solely focused on leading our rat reduction efforts

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across all five boroughs.

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Where do you start?

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I think our number one problem is they call their districts boroughs.

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I think rats here are boroughs and they're like oh that's great that's where I want to

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live.

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Right?

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If you're a rat you wouldn't want to live in a district right?

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That sounds like human stuff.

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Like a district?

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Oh fuck no man they'll try to get me with those fucking homeowner association fees and

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all that.

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I want to live in a borough.

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So they have five boroughs so all the rats go there they're like man I want to live in

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a borough that's where rats live.

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They don't live in districts they don't live in townships.

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They want to live in boroughs.

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So right there Mayor Adams I have your answer.

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Stop calling them boroughs.

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Mayor Adams said Kathy has the knowledge drive experience and energy to send rats backing

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and create a cleaner more welcoming city for all New Yorkers.

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Beginning with this 3.5 million investment towards eroded mitigation in Harlem Kathy

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will take the lead in our multi-agency effort to test new mitigation techniques, expand

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outreach and education efforts and increase maintenance and remedication work.

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The rats are going to hate Kathy but we're excited to have her lead in this important

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effort.

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What a couple of fucks.

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What a couple of fucks.

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I want to see this stupid looking Kathleen Karate.

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You ought to see this picture of her.

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She looks like Melissa McCarthy on heroin.

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I want to see her at a rat czar tights like walking around.

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No more rats.

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We shall kill rats.

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We destroy rats.

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Rats do not get near New York City anymore.

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Okay anyhow.

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Good luck there.

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Good luck there Eric Adams.

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Good luck there Kathy Karate.

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You have your work put out for you there but if I was her I would just walk around these

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rat areas and the rats will run in fright when they see her.

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So there you go people.

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That's why New York City is a stupid place.

225
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So.

226
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You've never been there?

227
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Oh I have.

228
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:02,000
I've been there on numerous jobs and it's not a lot of fun.

229
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You know without going into it there was all these stupid fucking rules at these job sites.

230
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All this stuff that you had to hoops and stuff that you had to jump through.

231
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That guy they just would not get off your fucking ass so you could get a job done.

232
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Right.

233
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Constant this and that and the other I found it to be a very unproductive place.

234
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Two douchebags and a microphone says.

235
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You ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass?

236
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Just asking.

237
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:44,000
We're continuing our quest here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone to be constantly funny.

238
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Once again we offer you strange insults from an alien.

239
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:55,000
When you also get it from your computer will your head go so attached?

240
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Two douchebags and a microphone.

241
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:03,000
More fun than a Taser 2 Juggler Bay.

242
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:22,000
I had a request from my friend Lona that listens to this podcast and will probably listen to this.

243
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She's going way back with this elaborate prank and I've forgotten all about it actually.

244
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:34,000
There's more on this level specifically that I can tell you about.

245
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This is in general this elaborate prank and it's a really good vicious line of events.

246
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:47,000
Anyhow, we're going to go into some humor now.

247
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We've done some serious stuff.

248
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My great buddy Davey, I think a lot of people know him.

249
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,000
I know Davey.

250
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,000
See?

251
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,000
Jesse knows Davey.

252
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:06,000
So three out of three, Cindy knows Davey, Val knows Davey, and everybody in the whole world knows him.

253
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:12,000
When we were teenagers, every summer his parents would go to Truman Lake.

254
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:20,000
They'd take their camper there and they'd be gone pretty much from Memorial weekend to Labor Day weekend.

255
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A good two and a half month stretch.

256
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:28,000
Sometimes it was stretching to three depending on how they felt.

257
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,000
So anyhow, this meant one thing.

258
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Party house.

259
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:42,000
So Davey and I had some evil tricks that we like to play on the people.

260
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The people that all partied at the house for a while, they were all in on the gag because they probably hadn't happened to them before.

261
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:59,000
So anyhow, they were a victim at one point and then after they got through with the hurt and the embarrassment and the blues,

262
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,000
they were like, okay, all right, well it's time for someone else.

263
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:10,000
So new guys that would come to the house didn't know about this, but the people that were there for a while, they knew they were safe.

264
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:14,000
So anyhow, one of the things that we would do is we'd all be getting trashed.

265
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:18,000
But anyone that wasn't at Davey's house before would not know this.

266
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:28,000
There was a refrigerator in the back room that contained all the sodas, all the Dr. Peppers, all the cokes, all that, you know, the Sprites, what have you, Mountain Dews.

267
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,000
Dr. Peppers were all in the back fridge.

268
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:36,000
And the front fridge was full of useful stuff like food and stuff like that.

269
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So anyhow, we'd all be getting smashed.

270
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Anyhow, you know, someone would wake up and they'd be parched, so they would look for something that they could drink and also have caffeine.

271
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,000
We didn't believe in coffee back then.

272
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:55,000
What did they do? Coffee didn't exist. It was all soda coffee.

273
00:21:55,000 --> 00:22:03,000
So what we would do is we would take a can of soda and we would open it up and drink it or throw it out or whatever.

274
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,000
Probably drink it most likely. We weren't that stupid.

275
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,000
And we would piss it.

276
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:19,000
Wow. So when we take this can of open Dr. Pepper, let's say, and with all the content gone, we would piss in it and then we'd stick it back in the fridge.

277
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Ouch.

278
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But like I said, the people who've been there for a while, they knew about it.

279
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The new people didn't know.

280
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Don't drink from the front fridge. Drink from the back fridge.

281
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Well, if people have been there for a while, they'd be like, uh, uh, uh, I ain't getting this one right here.

282
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Uh, uh, uh, uh.

283
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,000
Oh my God.

284
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I'm going to go get this one in the back room.

285
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So, uh, anyhow, you know, uh, it would usually end up like this.

286
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:49,000
We'd hear a scream and some cussing and some threats and stuff like that.

287
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:53,000
And then we'd come down there and everyone would like, no one would know who did it.

288
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We're like, what? Are you fucking joking me?

289
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:02,000
And then, uh, you know, go over there if they didn't like throw it against the wall or something, smell it.

290
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,000
Oh my God, it is pissed.

291
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:08,000
Hey, we're going to find out who did this, man. I'm sorry.

292
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:15,000
You know, and then you have already make excuse like, well, oh man, I was collecting this urine sample for my dog.

293
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:21,000
I got to take him to the vet later. So sorry. I should have marked the only thing I had was a Dr. Pepper can.

294
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:25,000
And you have to be the purse sucker. They went in on the conversation.

295
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,000
You know how tough it was to get that dog to pee into that Dr. Pepper?

296
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:34,000
Now it's ruined. And it had to be a day old. My dog's going to die because you drank his piss.

297
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:40,000
So anyhow, you drink the dog's piss and the dog dies. That's pretty bad.

298
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:45,000
I can't get the sample to the vet in time and he's definitely ill. Thanks a lot, fuck face.

299
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:54,000
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.

300
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:59,000
Hey, you forever feel yourself in the pocket. It's not even in your head.

301
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:04,000
Remember to send all male body part photos to Rob Rad's inbox.

302
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:10,000
Yeah, you're something that caught my attention the other day.

303
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:14,000
Two douchebags, one microphone. I'm Mark. I'm Christopher.

304
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:20,000
Good morning, afternoon, evening, wherever the hell it is. When you're listening to us.

305
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:28,000
It's two in the morning somewhere. Yeah, and you're stoned off your ass. You're questioning why.

306
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:33,000
I've got answers but they're not the right ones. No. Matter of fact, whatever we say, do the opposite.

307
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:39,000
That sounds like a good plan. The polar opposite. Not just kind of opposite, the exact opposite of what we say, do.

308
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:44,000
Yes. And you'll be fine. If they jump off the cliff, then you've got to go climb the mountain.

309
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:52,000
That's right. So, alright, Christopher, you have some stuff that you'd like to start talking about.

310
00:24:52,000 --> 00:25:00,000
Sure, yeah. I have this really bad habit of watching commercials. I hate commercials. I turn the sound down.

311
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:05,000
They grab my attention sometimes anyway. But this one was interesting. It was...

312
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:09,000
That means they're good commercials. You realize that. That's true.

313
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:16,000
Men pay attention to commercials. Women do not. My wife always tells me, why don't you just ignore them?

314
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:22,000
No, that's what Val does all the time. It's like, turn it. I'm like, no, no, no, I like this commercial.

315
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:29,000
You know, it's like I have this theory. Jamie, the progressive, is much better than Flo.

316
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:38,000
Jamie should be the star. But now they have a merging chick that talks everybody into everything by talking them out of it.

317
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:45,000
And she should be the new star. But they always put Flo in there. It's like, no, she's old Hyde. Get her the fuck out of there.

318
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:52,000
Yeah, yeah. We've seen a lot of Flo. Yeah, we have. Flo can get the fuck out. And Jamie could like, you know...

319
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:59,000
It was a great character that they developed after Flo. And then now they have this new one.

320
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:06,000
And then I don't know if the black guy's ever going to do anything there. Just kind of be the ancillary guy that likes to fish.

321
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:10,000
Yeah. Just kind of like makes a little quip here and there.

322
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:16,000
There's only one commercial that kind of featured him where he was daydreaming during a lecture by Flo.

323
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:22,000
And everyone wound up in his happy place. Yeah, and he's like, what the hell you guys doing here?

324
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,000
So anyhow, I'm sorry, back to your commercial. Okay.

325
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:34,000
Well, the premise of the commercial was they were showing this, oh, I would say 12 year old girl who was in a public school.

326
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:41,000
Yes. And everything that could possibly go wrong in your public school was going wrong, with the exception of a school shooter.

327
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:44,000
So there was a kid kicking... Give it time. Yes.

328
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:54,000
There was a kid kicking your desk. You had a teacher that was flipping out and you had, let's see, bullies in the hallways, lockers that were stuck.

329
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,000
Just, you know, all the bad things about public school.

330
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:08,000
And then the girl decided she'd had enough, walked out the front door and then you realize, well, it's commercial for a school at home online service.

331
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:13,000
And it takes you kindergarten through 12th grade and it's all paid for.

332
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:18,000
I think it's paid for just like public school to pay for it.

333
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:26,000
But it's an at home alternative to sending your kid to what may be a pretty unsafe environment in a public school.

334
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:33,000
So that got me thinking, has the time for public schools passed?

335
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:40,000
Is it time to dismantle the whole public schools sending your kids to a giant building with a bunch of other kids?

336
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,000
It just doesn't make sense anymore.

337
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:46,000
I have been along this thought for a long time. Yeah.

338
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:50,000
Now, like I've always said, I'm really down the middle.

339
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:55,000
I lean right on some things left on others. It depends on what it is. Yeah.

340
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:58,000
One thing I lean right on is school choice.

341
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:02,000
So if a school is failing, let it fail.

342
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,000
Yeah, I kind of think that too. Yeah.

343
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:08,000
Because they're not doing any good anyhow.

344
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:12,000
Maybe we should make homeschooling the norm. Yeah.

345
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:17,000
And if you want to send your kid to one of these public schools, well, I guess you can.

346
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:21,000
But, you know, maybe that should be looked on as odd and strange.

347
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:27,000
My thought is this, you have to have a very elaborate, in-depth system of testing the kids.

348
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:32,000
You can't just give them an online course and go, oh, they learned everything. It's good. Yeah.

349
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:41,000
You have to have someone like go to the house and give them this test and to certify that they know everything that a high school graduate should know.

350
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:47,000
Yep. And you don't need to have a building all year round to do those occasional tests. Yes.

351
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:52,000
You can do that in a meeting room at a hotel. And that will get rid of another nuisance. Yeah.

352
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:55,000
The teacher's union. There we go. Yeah. Yeah.

353
00:28:55,000 --> 00:29:01,000
And everything associated with public education has been around long enough to be completely corrupt.

354
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:05,000
And be full of people who are just milking the system.

355
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:08,000
Throw it all away. It's old and done with.

356
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:13,000
Model T was a great idea, but we don't use it anymore.

357
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:20,000
Coal-powered locomotives don't take our freighted passengers across the country on rails anymore.

358
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:25,000
It's a great idea. We don't owe them any kind of lifelong existence.

359
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:28,000
We dumped their asses as soon as we found a better system.

360
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:32,000
Yep. I think public schools, it's time to dump their asses. Yeah.

361
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:41,000
And have a better system because you put all these kids together and the idea is, well, they learn to share its diversity.

362
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:46,000
And they learn about other cultures. No, they're not. They're just kind of trying to survive.

363
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:53,000
Gangs form. Groups that exclude form. Yeah.

364
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:58,000
You can learn about other cultures and other diversity by just getting out of your house and going downtown.

365
00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:05,000
Agreed. Or going to any kind of public event. There are enough people different from whoever you want to point to.

366
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:13,000
Just pick a random person in a crowd and you can find 20 people within 10 miles who look different because we have diversity here.

367
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:18,000
So you don't need to force it in a school. Just get out and experience life. Exactly.

368
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:25,000
I mean, we look at where we're at right now with the beautiful historic river market district in Kansas City, Missouri.

369
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:31,000
Close to the beautiful crystal clear blue waters of the Missouri River. That's right.

370
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:35,000
And there's diversity everywhere. And it's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing.

371
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,000
Yeah. Everybody just kind of doing what they need to do to get along.

372
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:45,000
People are mainly polite, mainly nice, respectful to each other. And people generally will do this.

373
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:50,000
So it doesn't need to be forced on anybody. No.

374
00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:58,000
This also, to me, goes back to the main, what should be the main focus, parenting. Yeah.

375
00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:07,000
Parenting. You don't have parenting in the classroom. You have parenting at home where it should exist, where it should be.

376
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:13,000
Yeah. You instill into your children what you think is right and wrong.

377
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:21,000
You know, there's these free-range children everywhere. And it's just insane. You can't tell who they belong to.

378
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:26,000
Go into a Walmart one time and try to pick the parents out of the lineup.

379
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:32,000
It's not easy. No, no. Just like I saw a father the other day, it's two boys.

380
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:38,000
Oh, hey, look, there's a freezer room. Let's go run in it. OK, just one time.

381
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:45,000
It's a public place where people are shopping. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, huh?

382
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:50,000
No, my dad would have said no. No, no, no, no. Next time you're not coming with me.

383
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:54,000
And as a matter of fact, we're going to have to talk about this out in the car. Yeah.

384
00:31:54,000 --> 00:32:03,000
So these kids run in front of everybody, an old lady, all these other people almost slip and fall, almost break all this stuff, all these eggs that are in there and stuff.

385
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:14,000
And dad's like, hehehe. It's like, no, no, you, you are the problem. Not the children. The children don't know better. You should.

386
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:17,000
Do you think it would be a good idea to call out someone like that?

387
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:25,000
Would it do any good for some to walk up that guy at that moment and say, you're a bad parent? Would it do any good, you think?

388
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:30,000
No, because they would be too busy defending themselves whether they were right or wrong.

389
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:36,000
Yeah. I wonder if it would make any difference in the kids' lives to see someone telling their parents, you're bad at what you do.

390
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:42,000
That's a good question. Yeah. I think it depends on the child. Yeah.

391
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:48,000
Because some children, you look at them and they think entitlement all the way. You can see them like, I can do this because I'm me.

392
00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:55,000
I've been put on a pedestal. I'm the only boy in the last three generations that I'm loved. I'm revered.

393
00:32:55,000 --> 00:33:02,000
Or they've just been told all their lives that what you want to do is just as important as everybody else. That's the other thing.

394
00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:10,000
Which isn't true because if you want to go crash your airplane and everybody else wants to live, then no, what you want to do isn't as important. Exactly.

395
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:20,000
It depends on what you want. You can't just blanket say. Everyone has the exact same full right to have their opinions shouted from the rooftops.

396
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:27,000
And another problem with this is it's not just the caretakers, in quotations. It's not just the snowflakes.

397
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:34,000
Yeah, it's not just the snowflakes. It's every brand and creed of people that do this. Yeah.

398
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:45,000
They put their children on these pedestals and they can't do any wrong. And if anyone ever tries to attempt to tell them they are doing wrong, they flip out and just like all of a sudden the sky is falling.

399
00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:53,000
How dare you say that to my child? How dare you say that to me? Yeah, their child is their whole identity. Yes.

400
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:59,000
Which is a horrible burden for your child and a sick way to live your life. Yes.

401
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:04,000
And also I see parents that are afraid of their children. Oh yeah.

402
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:12,000
You know, it's like, oh no, if I try to discipline him, he's just going to be a dick the rest of the day. He's going to scream and kick animals.

403
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:21,000
It's like, okay, then the day is over. Yeah. The day is over. He goes back in the car. He goes home. He gets in his room without any tablet or anything.

404
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:32,000
And he sits there and he thinks about life for a while. But people want to have children, but they don't want to raise them. They want the hard work part.

405
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:37,000
No, they just want to have their 2.3 like the guy down the road does. Yeah.

406
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:52,000
I know some parents and I've seen them go through the dilemma of the child's misbehaving. So you say, okay, no video game time, no computer time, no cell phone time.

407
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:59,000
You're cut off from all your media for the rest of the day, which is a punishment for the kid.

408
00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:09,000
But then the kid makes the parent's life miserable. Well, I can't watch my show. I can't play with my phone. Then what am I going to do? I'm bored, entertaining.

409
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:17,000
Logs to split. The parent would rather do anything rather than spend time with their kid. Bingo.

410
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:27,000
Or entertain their kid or come up with something to do together. That is one of the best examples there right now. That ends most of it right there.

411
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:34,000
The parent wants to sit the child in front of that electronic babysitter. Well, that's how come all these SUVs have these DVD players.

412
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:49,000
That's it. It's not because you care for your child. It's because you want your child to shut the fuck up when they're in the back seat. Exactly.

413
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:56,000
That's why you buy those rear seat DVD screens. Not because you love your kid, but you can't stand to hear your kid's voice while you're driving.

414
00:35:56,000 --> 00:36:02,000
That's the protection tax. Here you go. Watch this and you'll shut up and I won't have to deal with you. Yep. Yep.

415
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:14,000
So homeschooling would pretty much force parents to deal with their own children and how they behave more. Yes. Which is going to only be a good thing.

416
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:27,000
I think it would be, parents would be more intertwined, more emotionally connected. And form support groups. Yes.

417
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:36,000
You know, mom over here talks with dad over there and says how do you handle it when your eight year old refuses to whatever. They say, well here's what we've tried.

418
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:57,000
Here's the pictures of the bloody stub. Right? The more I think about it, the less sense it makes to keep pouring money and effort and oh my god, there's so much money into public schools and it's not going to fix it, not going to get better.

419
00:36:57,000 --> 00:37:04,000
You've got to learn when to stop beating that dead horse and start riding a camel instead.

420
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:13,000
Another thing is, what about privatizing it? And here I'll give you an example. I'm mixed about this because privatizing a lot of things aren't good.

421
00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:21,000
Like when they privatized some prisons, all of a sudden the prison rate went way up in that district because they needed people in there to make money.

422
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:28,000
So that's probably not a good idea. Or at least the corruption order doesn't work.

423
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:34,000
So I don't know if this is a good idea because then they'll be trying to stick kids in there no matter what.

424
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:37,000
You know, they're flunking out. We don't care pass them anyhow.

425
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:47,000
Because I had that growing up in my school district. Let's say the school district had 2,000 kids. But I think it was much less than that.

426
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:53,000
They went to 1-9-9-9. All of a sudden they went to 1-A.

427
00:37:53,000 --> 00:38:00,000
Older just fell from the sky. Oh, God. I think the world's over. There's five or six of them.

428
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:05,000
Oh, shit. Well, one just missed us. That was crazy.

429
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:15,000
If they went to 1-9-9-9-9 or whatever, 1-9-9-9, all of a sudden they're in a different classification with much less tax money to work.

430
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:23,000
So they couldn't have that one person dropping out. So they would do everything they could to get that kid to come in.

431
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:31,000
I watched it firsthand. They're just like, oh, just sit in the room. You'd have that same thing going on. Only worse.

432
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:39,000
Pretty much when you have money as the incentive, that works for the person giving the money and the individual person receiving the money.

433
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:50,000
It doesn't work at all for anybody else. So if you privatize the school, then the government will get a break because they don't have to spend the money.

434
00:38:50,000 --> 00:39:00,000
The private companies will set up a system which looks good on the surface and makes them the most money as quickly as possible.

435
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:09,000
And that's all you're going to have. Schools really will become just a place to warehouse your kids and pay for the privilege.

436
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:10,000
Yeah.

437
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:28,000
I mean, if you think about privatizing as would you want someone to privatize the fire department where you had to pay a monthly subscription and then you had to call and ask if they can, you know,

438
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:33,000
can I please make an appointment for you to come put my house fire out tomorrow or maybe the next week?

439
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:42,000
You know, there's a private company privatized. They don't have to obey the same rules as a public utility does. They make up their own rules.

440
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:56,000
What is probably going to get hamstrung by other rules also. Yeah. Governmental rules. It's like, look, we know this handicapped person can't like grab a guy and save him, but he's got to be there because he's part of the quota.

441
00:39:56,000 --> 00:40:08,000
So that would probably raise your rates in the first place. Insurance would go up when you have three or four people that couldn't do the job, but you have to have them there because of the quota.

442
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:20,000
So, yeah, I'm with you. I think really the best answer is homeschooling. And I think it should be tax credits to do it. That way you have an incentive.

443
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:31,000
We don't send people to a big school to learn how to operate their cell phones or navigate the computer screen. That's right.

444
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:37,000
That's something you learn from other people. You pick up from your friends or parents and you become perfectly well skilled at it.

445
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:47,000
You know, we don't send people to big schools to learn how to drive a car. People just do. You know, they learn. You know, their parents teach them, other people teach them.

446
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:56,000
We can do the same thing with pretty much the public school curriculum. And we also could have a more tailored curriculum.

447
00:40:56,000 --> 00:41:08,000
If your kid wants to study religion and he wants to study this religion, but not that, then you don't have to take the whole classroom through it.

448
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:15,000
That one student can study what they want. That's right. Your student needs to study a foreign language.

449
00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:25,000
Right now it's like French or Spanish. That's kind of it. But why not say any foreign language will do. You're studying on your own. If you want to learn Hindu, do it.

450
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:34,000
Yeah, do it. And it'll be a part of your curriculum. Yeah. You get the same credit to somebody who learned Spanish or somebody learned German or somebody learned Japanese.

451
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:45,000
You can target your ethnicity too. You can target what you want. Let's say that you have relatives. I have relatives in Canada and Greece.

452
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:54,000
The ones in Canada speak English of course, but the ones in Greece, a lot of them don't. But it'd be great to be able to speak to them and have that option at school to learn it.

453
00:41:54,000 --> 00:42:05,000
I think we would get better educated kids, more involved parents, and probably better young adults as a result.

454
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:14,000
But the sticking point is, can't you imagine a whole country full of parents saying, what? Me give up free time to get involved in my kid's life? Hell no.

455
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:21,000
That's the biggest issue to me. That is the biggest issue. I think if there is enough of a groundswell, you could probably find a way to get it done.

456
00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:30,000
But I think that most people think about it and go, oh wait a minute, uh uh, who's doing that? Me? No, no, no, no.

457
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:39,000
I have to give up my social media time to learn over spelling words. I can't go out to the bar and drink because we have to study for a book report.

458
00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:45,000
I have my podcast every Monday for God's sake. How am I going to get that done with a little fucking Rugrat fucking poking at me?

459
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:58,000
And then think of the social pressure relief when you're not trying to look the part. You go to school and you're trying to physically fit in the way you look, the way you act, the way you dress, the way you speak.

460
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:04,000
None of that would matter if you're not going to this giant public school where you can be judged on all these things.

461
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:07,000
We could be giving them the Indian sunburns and shit going on in the nerd.

462
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:10,000
Yeah, I mean that's what big brothers are for, isn't it?

463
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,000
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and hurkle pants.

464
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:16,000
I think we should say Native American sunburns. Oh, I'm sorry, Native American sunburns.

465
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:20,000
And then have the wet towels and smack it on the ass with it until it bleeds.

466
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:22,000
Good times. Good times.

467
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:26,000
Except when you're the littlest one.

468
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:32,000
Yeah, oh yeah. Thank God I was never the littlest one.

469
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:33,000
Oh yeah.

470
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:35,000
So that was my thought on public schools.

471
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:42,000
If someone intimidates you, just imagine them on a table being wiped like a baby. Openings for wet wipey.

472
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:48,000
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors and horrible pranks. What the fuck is wrong with these guys?

473
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:56,000
Hi everybody, this is Mark and I have another Quick Hits for you.

474
00:43:56,000 --> 00:44:03,000
This is Bentonville, Arkansas' tessical festival. It's true. Look it up.

475
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:16,000
August 24th and 25th, 26th and 27th, 2023 at the Benton County Fairgrounds, 7640 Southwest Regional Airport Boulevard, Bentonville, Arkansas.

476
00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:25,000
Yeah. So this is pretty much what you think it is. It is a festival about testicles.

477
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:34,000
And it says right here, we've made some exciting changes since last year. We're moving toward a BYOB model to avoid the governmental headaches.

478
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:41,000
We ran into with the ABC and bring you the best testicle festival possible.

479
00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:51,000
This August you're invited back to an even bigger, better party. When the freedom to host activities like ladies' oil wrestling, you're in for a wild, fun weekend.

480
00:44:51,000 --> 00:45:01,000
Come camp with us and bring a cooler full of favorite beer. We've got great live music, food trucks and plenty of friars to keep the balls flowing.

481
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:05,000
Cooler stickers are only 10 bucks for the entire weekend.

482
00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:11,000
The scheduled Thursday, 11 a.m. camper loading arrival registration begins.

483
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:15,000
6 p.m. Tessical Festival opens for general admission.

484
00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:20,000
6 p.m. Lighted cornhole registration begins.

485
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:23,000
6 p.m. The dirty strings.

486
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:27,000
7.30 Lighted cornhole tournament begins.

487
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:30,000
8 o'clock small bonfire.

488
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:34,000
8 o'clock Eureka strings.

489
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:38,000
10 p.m. Mountain Sprout.

490
00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:43,000
Friday, 11 a.m. Tessical Festival opens for general admission.

491
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:45,000
12 p.m. Dusty Smith.

492
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:47,000
1 p.m. Timmy Ray.

493
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:50,000
2 p.m. Tennessee Dreaming.

494
00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:52,000
3 p.m. Joe Tyler.

495
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:54,000
4 p.m. Philip Good.

496
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:56,000
5 p.m. Time Arch.

497
00:45:56,000 --> 00:46:00,000
6 p.m. Undy 800.

498
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:06,000
6.30 Magnificent Mullets of Lundell.

499
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:09,000
8 p.m. Medium Bonfire.

500
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:13,000
8 p.m. Dusty Black.

501
00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,000
9.30 Best Beard Contest.

502
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:18,000
10 p.m. Brian Martin.

503
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:21,000
12 a.m. Campfire Time.

504
00:46:21,000 --> 00:46:26,000
Saturday, 10 a.m. Tessical Festival opens for general admission.

505
00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:29,000
11 a.m. Austin Tolliver.

506
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:32,000
12.30 Truck and Motorcycle Show starts.

507
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:34,000
1 p.m. Cypress Spring.

508
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:37,000
2.30 Ball Eating Contest.

509
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:41,000
3 p.m. Dusty Lee.

510
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:44,000
4.30 p.m. Wet T-shirt Contest.

511
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,000
5 p.m. Justin Champagne.

512
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:50,000
6.30 Topless Sack Race.

513
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:53,000
7 p.m. Charlie Farley.

514
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:57,000
8 p.m. Large Bonfire.

515
00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:01,000
8.30 p.m. Ladies Oil Wrestling.

516
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:06,000
10 p.m. Who TF is Justin Time?

517
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:10,000
12 a.m. Campfire Time.

518
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:13,000
Sunday, Ball Throwing Contest.

519
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:18,000
Oh my God. Let's see what it says.

520
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:20,000
There's Wet T-shirt Contest.

521
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,000
There's Topless Sack Race.

522
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:24,000
Ladies Oil Wrestling.

523
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:26,000
Ball Throwing Contest.

524
00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:30,000
Don't worry about your balls.

525
00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:32,000
We'll remain intact.

526
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:38,000
Whether you call them Rocky Mountain Oysters, Cowboy Caviar, Tender Groin, or simply Bulls Balls,

527
00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:42,000
we've ordered a metric ton of Bull Balls, and they'll be served all weekend long.

528
00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:45,000
Come partake in this Midwest Delicacy.

529
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:50,000
Wow. This is insane. I can't believe it. Let's see.

530
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:53,000
Gosh. See what else I can find here.

531
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:56,000
Tank camping, 99 bucks for the whole thing.

532
00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:59,000
Electric tank campsite, 149 dollars.

533
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:02,000
RV camping, 199.

534
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:05,000
Electric RV, 299.

535
00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:08,000
Electric water RV campsite, 349.

536
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:13,000
Alright, you have to do the reservations for all of that in advance.

537
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:15,000
A weekend pass is 29 bucks.

538
00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:17,000
Grab a shirt.

539
00:48:17,000 --> 00:48:19,000
Oh wow, yeah, let's see.

540
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:23,000
Come to the Testicle Festival and you can buy a shirt for 39 bucks.

541
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,000
A T-shirt.

542
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:28,000
Alright, well, okay.

543
00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:33,000
Anyhow, that's pretty much about it from the Testicle Festival.

544
00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:36,000
I just had to share this with you because

545
00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:39,000
it's fucking funny.

546
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:42,000
Alright, someone said they have Testicle Festivals everywhere,

547
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:45,000
but I have not seen one until I found this one.

548
00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:48,000
A friend of mine sent it to me and I was like, huh?

549
00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:52,000
So, anyhow, there you go.

550
00:48:52,000 --> 00:49:07,000
Be seeing you.