Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the
banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River, it is Two Douchebags
and Microphone Podcast.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone, the number one show for people that lie about their favorite
podcast.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell.
Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and
old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
As pleasant as 50 grit sandpaper to your inner thighs.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright, as promised, Alternative Insults, Men's Edition and Women's Edition.
The first.
Alright, the first are men.
One of the ones I used to love to use was, you call somebody a sundress.
Yes.
Yeah.
That is feminine.
Light.
Breezy.
About everything a man doesn't want to be called.
Yeah.
Next one, big lady shaver.
That one's pretty good because you shave women's legs.
Yeah, but you could look very different side.
I know, I thought of it like that too, but it's going to be in how you say it.
Alright, yeah, let's keep it to a little.
Yeah, you're a big lady shaver.
What?
Yeah.
Next one, ant farm.
Oh my god.
Yeah, I mean, I like that one just because it's kind of like a little terrarium full
of ants and all their little mazes.
That just means crap's coming out of you everywhere.
Yes.
Yep.
If you look at an ant farm, there's ants coming out of like a volcano and lava.
Yes, they're all in there digging and stuff.
Well, you're not even the ant, you're the farm.
The next one, push-up bra.
And that's pretty obvious.
Yeah.
But then again, there's a side to that that you might like too.
Yeah, there it is.
Yeah, but then again, it's on how you say it towards the person.
You got to say it with some force.
You're a push-up bra.
What?
Yes, you are.
This next one I love because there's no getting around this one.
Call someone a teacup.
Oh.
You're a teacup.
That's old school there.
Yeah, it is.
Yep.
You imagine like, I don't know, Mary Poppins drinking out of a little teacup.
You're not even Mary Poppins, you're the teacup.
The next one, mini tulip.
You're not even a full tulip.
Just a little mini tulip.
Yeah.
You're just a little bitty one sprouting out.
You may not even have a bloom.
You probably don't even have a bloom on you yet.
It's just like a little mini tulip.
Next one, vacuum hose.
That could be on a car.
That could be on a Hoover, anything, whatever.
Yeah, you're catching all the dirt.
Yep.
Next one, instruction packet.
I can't talk tonight.
Well, I can't talk any night, but anyhow.
Well, I'll just throw you in the trash.
Yeah, I was cleaning the pool earlier, like I told you, and I get all this pollen and
I just...
Oh, I know.
I know.
Like I told you off the air before we started, I was nationally certified to be a pool technician
for 10 years.
Who did you work for?
No, it was a...
I worked for a property management company.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I had some condos down here for a property management company down here at the lake.
I got a five-year certification.
Which in that time, things didn't work out, I left.
But I'm still certified for five years.
Oh, wow.
Did you not like the work?
I didn't like the boss.
Oh, yeah, that makes everything.
It makes everything.
But a few years later, I went back.
Oh, okay.
Got certified for another five years.
So, 10 years certified.
Oh, okay.
I could have went anywhere in the United States, seen a swimming pool or a hot tub or a spa,
whatever, that I did not...
I could have had them check it at any point.
You know what?
And if I felt it was not fit for use, I could tell them to lock it down without my card
and it cannot open back up until it passed my inspection.
Wow.
And you know what?
You're in the wrong area because Florida is where they are absent of all these people.
Florida, they don't have enough people.
They haven't.
I was a friend of mine moved down there and he was a pool guy and he couldn't work enough.
I mean, he said, man, I'm working 12 hours a day, seven days a week.
And he said, I'm still not even starting to scratch it.
And he just went down there and put up some flyers and people are just calling everywhere,
hey, I need you to come out here.
I need you to come out here.
And he said just simple shit too, like holding your breath and going underwater and putting
in a new light or just vacuum in a pool or just adjusting the chemicals.
He said, like, man, there's so many elderly down there that can't do it or don't want
to know how to do it that he said he just he could not work enough down there.
It wore him out so bad.
He moved back up here.
He's like, man, he goes, I go down there and I fall into the trap of always working.
He said, I don't enjoy the ocean or nothing because I'm working 12 hours a day, seven
days a week.
So OK, well, let me tell you something, Mark.
Everybody thinks like those are great, which it is.
It's great to visit.
Go ahead, though.
But if you move here to work here and live here.
Yeah, it's like any other tourist area.
You know what I'm talking about, Mark.
No, I know.
I know.
The wages are low.
Yep.
You know, but the tourists drive the prices of everything up.
Yes.
Which I think if you don't mind, I'm going to work on a new segment.
OK.
Rob's Rents.
That's fine.
I'm looking for new segments, and that sounds right up our alley anyhow.
That sounds great.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
This is.
Yeah.
And I'll talk to you out there about it.
Yeah.
There's some things that's changing in this world that people our age don't like.
Like I said, I used to go to Camdenton.
It was for about a half year once you live there, but I used to go there actually probably
three quarters of a year.
I used to go there every weekend for a while in the early 2000s.
And anyhow, I'm pretty familiar with the area, and I know people that lived there that I
got to be friends with.
And they all said the same thing.
You can't find a job that pays good enough to live, but then all these people rent these
places out for the lake, and it drives the cost up everywhere.
So you can't really make enough money down there.
Amen.
Yeah.
But, you know.
And most of them ended up, including the girl I used to see down there, moved back up to
KC.
They said, you know what, at least we can live better up there, you know.
And this is what they all came to the conclusion.
We'll visit down there.
I've been talking to you about this.
I've been thinking about moving up there.
Oh, I know.
With my 18 year old son.
But, I don't know.
I'm starting to say I guess it, Mark.
You know what?
You'll find out in time whether you want to or not.
Well, the more I hear about how much has changed up there.
Yeah.
The shootings that are happening in areas that we never would have thought of.
Crime is out of control in Kansas City.
The cat's out of the bag.
It's not getting better.
It's going to get worse.
And it's been a great.
And I do not want to bring my son up there to be a casualty.
Rob, I get it.
Straight bullet.
Rob, I get it.
I understand what you're saying.
Yeah.
But yet, you know what?
Kansas City is my heart and I would love to come back.
I'm on the fence right now.
You know what?
Hang on.
This is not for the podcast.
We'll talk and I'll tell you some areas you need to go to to live to where you'll be better.
Oh, I know some.
I know some.
Yeah.
So anyhow, you don't want to just come in willy-nilly and just go anywhere because there's
areas you do not want to be in and that's all there is to it.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
We talked about this.
We mentioned it on the podcast before.
Yeah.
I'm going to stay still.
Yep.
Okay.
So now going along with our other wet match is another thing you can call a guy because
a wet match is worthless.
Yeah.
You don't get lit.
Nope.
You get thrown on the ground.
It's like this ain't going to work.
Fuck it.
And you throw it away.
Yeah.
And then the last one is a tablecloth.
You lie on the table preventing the table from getting messed up with food and water
and beverage.
Yeah.
I liked it.
I mean, I don't know.
I've heard it enough to where I'm not like busting out loud laughing, but we hope you
are out there and if not, we'll know by the numbers.
Yeah.
So.
Okay.
You know, we could always throw you in the washing machine.
You know what?
That's right.
You know what?
That's true.
Okay.
And there you have that southern accent, southern Missouri.
You said washing machine.
Mark, I grew up in Kansas City.
Do they say that up here too?
I did.
Okay.
All right.
That's cool.
It's they're not the right.
I was southern, you know, Oklahoma, southern Missouri.
That's where my family comes from and West Virginia.
Okay.
And South Carolina.
So.
Okay.
Do those guys like their barbecue there?
I hope not.
Well, some of them grew up in Kansas City and they took the barbecue back and yeah, they
changed people.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Because that Carolina barbecue they call barbecue is shit on a plate.
It's horrible.
Oh, dude.
Hey, I'm down here in Campton.
I'm buying really jack stack barbecue sauce at Walmart.
Oh, oh, they sell it down here.
Yes.
Because I miss hometown barbecue.
Yep.
Well, they must sell jack stack about anywhere in Missouri then.
That's cool.
Good.
Good for that.
It kind of getting like shaky now.
Yeah, pretty much.
Okay.
I miss my Kansas City barbecue.
Well, jack stack barbecue is still, it's still good.
So some of it has surpassed it with some of the new gourmet stuff that they come out like
Q39 and Slaps and Joe's and stuff like that, but it's still very, very good.
So.
All right.
Well, what we get down here is original.
Okay.
There's good barbecue there.
Jack stack.
Okay.
There's good barbecue down there too.
Oh, yeah, there is.
There is.
But it's nothing like Kansas City.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
I'm sorry.
I'm part of the whole.
The originals are up here.
And I tell everybody down here that I'm partial.
I'm from Kansas City.
Well, one thing I noticed in the Ozarks too is, excuse me, it's not just Kansas City barbecue
down there.
You get some Texas, you get some Oklahoma style, you get some Memphis style.
St. Louis.
You get St. Louis style.
Yeah.
You get everything, but Kansas City, it's my hometown.
You got to love it.
And it's well known.
Anyone would taste Bud's Kansas City style.
I see reports on it going through our news feeds here for the broadcast.
Kansas City's top notch.
It's the best.
I had a report on Jesse Jim's rated, but you don't want to see it.
Was it bad or good?
Not where we were.
We weren't there.
Really?
We were what?
Number two, number three in Kansas City?
Well, we were number one in Kansas City, number two or three in the country.
Yeah.
Well, I'm not.
In my notes, I'm not flying the Oracle right now, but I think we're Jesse Jim's ranked
like number four or five in Kansas City.
Wow.
Yeah.
They're way down the list.
They're way down.
I find that surprising because I still go there and they still have good food.
Yeah.
I haven't been there since I worked there, man.
Wow.
Okay.
Well, I go there quite a bit.
It's right down the road from me.
It's about a mile away.
From your house?
Yeah.
Wow.
All right.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
When I make it up there, we're going to go there for old time's sake.
Yeah.
They still have good food.
They changed the menu quite a bit since we used to work there.
And when we're going to sit down, we're going to eat, we're going to have a good time, and
then when we stand up to leave, you're going to give me one of those fake kisses.
There we go.
Like we used to do.
And freak everybody out.
Nowadays, people wouldn't freak out.
And let's hope one of the bad noise are there.
They were there all the time.
Mike and Debbie are there all the time.
Oh, Mike will love it.
Mike remembers it.
He'll turn it all the way back.
Mike wanted it out there as bad as we did.
Yeah.
Well, he's stuck there.
It's his.
He would turn around and go back in the kitchen if he saw you and me both there.
He'd be like, no, I'm not doing this.
No, me and you are walking up in the back door.
Yeah, that's it right there.
I'm going to go for the alternative insults for women here quickly.
Yeah, that's it.
Okay.
Anyhow, 50 pound barbell.
Oh my God.
Yeah, that one's horrible.
Just imagine this big fucking lunky thing that people lift for muscles.
The next one for women, rock salt.
Rock salt's pretty abrasive.
Step on that shit.
The next one, knee pads.
That was bad because it kind of insinuates a little.
Actually, I've heard that one.
Oh, okay.
Probably have actually.
Next one, clown nose.
Yeah.
And remember, the clown nose, you can get away with anything.
You can butcher a puppy.
You can kill people.
You can fucking throw battery acid.
Yeah, I wonder where that one came up.
Yeah.
It came up on a podcast when these dudes came up and we're talking about it about you can
fucking throw battery acid in a baby's face and people will be like, ah, he's got a clown
nose.
Yeah.
I heard it.
The next one you can call a woman, a stubbed toe.
Oh shit.
That's as abrasive and as horrible as it gets.
A bloody toe and oh fuck.
You know.
Oh, that reminds me a few of my asses.
They're stubbed toes, huh?
The next one, oil-based butter.
So you're like margarine.
You're not even real butter.
You're oil-based butter.
I'm not even gonna touch that one.
That's cool.
Next one after that, Jiffy lube.
That one's another innuendo too.
Yeah, yeah.
I got you.
We'll let everybody else make up their own opinion.
You can make up your mind.
The next one, I call some female friends this from time to time, sack lunch.
It's just so demeaning sounding.
Yeah, no other names.
Let's see.
The next one, splinter.
Ow.
Yeah, splinter doesn't sound so good, does it?
That's pain in the ass.
Yeah, splinters are pain in the ass.
It's not paining anywhere.
Yeah, that means, yeah, that means.
That's even worse.
Yep.
Next one and the last one, loud exhaust.
And that is like a ticket sometimes or just very noisy and it bothers you.
I got you.
Yep.
I think everybody else does too.
Yep.
I read a little article.
This is a little bit different than what we're talking about, but it's talking about how
people collect ketchup packs and that like certain ones of them are worth thousands of
dollars.
And they're like specialty ones from Heinz, like stuff that I, like I guess at one point
in time, like Heinz and Hunt's, like promoted movies and stuff like that.
And they're specialty ketchup packs that are specifically named after something.
And like there's like a big rush of them on the internet.
People want to buy them because they like them.
They just want the packs.
And people are selling these packs that they found or have in their fridge that they've
had there for like 20 years.
They're buying them for thousands of dollars.
Really?
Yeah.
And that's more money than Brain's department right there.
There it is.
I found that interesting.
I'm like, what the hell?
And then I read into a little bit more and like it gave some examples, but I didn't download
the whole thing because that was one of those articles.
Like you had to like cut out like three quarters of it.
So anyhow.
And in Los Angeles, Uber Eats had to halt business for a while because people were stealing
the food.
I guess it's like a law over there that you don't enter anyone's house when you're Uber
eating, like you know, slinging the food.
So they have to leave them out on the porch or in a common area.
And there's people like going around hiding in the brushes.
They know people that order Uber Eats, maybe like elderly or maybe handicapped, can't get
out.
What they do is they sit there and they hide in the brush.
And then when the Uber Eats lands on the door, they go and fucking nab it really quick and
run off with it and eat it.
So Uber Eats had to stop because too many people were like, I think it said at one point,
75% of the food that was going for the porches was being stolen by somebody.
It couldn't have been the same people because it was all over town at the same time.
Wow.
You see, I would have set somebody up.
I would have like took two plates of shit and someone acting like they're Uber Eats.
Fucking.
Yeah.
They had took a couple of dumps on a fucking plate and put a couple of platters over them
or one of those styrofoam things.
Fucking locked it up and fucking.
And then the plastic sealed it up and then they'd spend all this time fucking grabbing
it running off and undoing the plastic.
Only it opened up.
Shit.
And then maybe like a little letter there is this fuck you asshole or something.
Or you got got bitch.
Or something like that.
So anyhow, you got anything on your plate there, Rob?
You got anything you want to?
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
I wrote a story.
Anyone have a wife carrying competition?
Okay.
And once again.
They messed up.
This is a story that I did check out and it backed up.
Look it up.
Anybody.
Okay.
The one thing that I did check out and it backed up.
Look it up.
Anybody.
Okay.
The winner receives his wife's weight in beer.
Oh no no.
No see I read a brief description of it.
But then I actually went into food.
It's like an Olympic in Finland.
They do multiple things.
And the men have to carry them wives.
Doing like different obstacle courses.
Yeah it's like Olympics.
I kind of like that.
I think that's funny.
That's cool.
And the winner wins his wife's weight in beer.
Wow.
You know what if you think.
Like I said.
Look it up.
I did.
It pans out.
Okay.
If you think about it it's kind of a just reward so if your wife is like 300 pounds
and you can do that.
You just won yourself 300 pounds of beer.
If your wife's like 90 pounds.
I love it.
You just won yourself 90 pounds of beer.
Come on Mark.
Okay maybe you're not lugging around 300 pounds like that.
But anyhow.
Wow.
I mean yeah.
Let's just split it down the middle and say 225.
I'll go drink water.
I don't need the backache.
Val doesn't even come close to 225 so I'm not worried about that.
I work.
Right now I'm working hard at 10 hours a day.
We bumped up 10 hours a day.
You guys are that busy?
Yeah.
And actually I'm going to work at well six hours on Saturday.
Wow.
Most manufacturing places I know have slowed way down here lately.
Wow.
Well that's cool.
Well I'm glad it's going so well.
I'm glad you're working so much.
That's great.
So am I.
So is everybody that I have.
Yeah I'm sure.
Hey Rob just admitted he's working extra hours on the podcast.
Time to hit him up.
Oh no honestly Mark I'm going to be honest with you.
Yeah.
I'm going to be honest with everybody.
I go to work.
I come home.
I do my duties.
I cook dinner.
I am single.
I have an 18 year old son.
I cook dinner.
I cook those dinners.
And then in my relaxation time in the evening.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Are you always such an idiot?
Or do you just show off when I'm around?
Hey look I think we found land.
Oh my god I think we're safe.
Oh no.
It's the island of horrible jokes.
What?
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dinosaur.
Two douche bags and a microphone.
The number one show for people that lie about their favorite podcast.
I do my homework for the podcast.
Isn't it great though?
Isn't it fun to do though?
Oh man.
I'm all the time in the news.
I got a lot of stories I'll never give you.
You know what?
You got an open forum right now.
You got some other story you want to go into.
That's fine with me.
Oh well no.
We try not to go into politics.
Yeah you know what?
I mean I.
Most of the stories I've run across politics.
Although I do have.
You've had me busy working on one story.
But I've got another one that I'm going to try working on.
Yeah.
And I'll talk to you about it later.
Okay.
Look and also here's another thing.
You're welcome to.
It's going to be one of them very in depth stories.
I got to.
Okay.
I'm finding a lot of references.
I got to do a lot of homework on.
Okay.
Before I mention it on this show.
Okay Rob.
Let me say this though.
You're welcome to give your opinion on anything politically.
It does not bother me at all.
Matter of fact I think we align on a lot of stuff.
But here's the deal.
I will never personally do it.
Because when I started this podcast I swore I was never going to be one of those guys.
Now I listen to some of those guys.
And I think they're very good.
And there's a lot of guys that I think are extremely talented to do political shows.
And I will listen to them.
But the thing is this whole podcast was created as an outlet of all of that stuff.
You know all the shit going on.
I am for what you created this podcast out of Mark.
Yeah.
And I am totally agreement.
I do not want it to go political.
No this is a salute.
You want it like the old time radio shows.
Yes I just want it.
I heard it out of your mouth.
Dick jokes.
You know stuff like that.
Where?
Yeah.
Because those shows are gone.
Where facts.
You know the shows that still exist can't do that anymore.
I mean even locally Johnny Dare is not the same.
He still gets a little risque but not too much.
Bubba loves Sponge.
He doesn't.
You can't.
People like Stern.
He went to satellite but I didn't like him in a long time anyhow.
I don't think he's that funny.
Yeah we've had this conversation.
I've never thought he was extremely as funny as everyone else thought he was.
But anyhow.
I didn't like him personally.
I liked Man Cal quite a bit.
He was really good.
Especially when he was doing the Mad House.
His political stuff is cool.
He knows what he's talking about.
Very educated.
Very bright guy.
But I'm just like it's not my mainstay is political radio.
And anyhow he doesn't even really.
He just does a show on his own like once a Monday.
But he's not always doing.
You know.
I used to listen to Man Cal back in his early days.
Because I got into people like Bob and Tom.
Bob and Tom had their time too.
I always preferred more like Man Cal.
Because Bob and Tom was always kind of like more of a production where that.
And they were good.
Don't get me wrong.
But they always had like comedians come in and fill all the time.
Where a show like Man Cal or Johnny Dare or Bubba loves Sponge.
Wasn't it Man Cal that went head to head with Randy Miller?
Yeah.
Well yeah.
If you remember right.
Yes.
He used to be a part of Miller's show.
Yeah.
In the early days.
And it wasn't even in Kansas City if I remember right.
No it was.
Okay.
So it was in Kansas City.
Well when they worked together as in Kansas City.
But Man Cal was out of Chicago when he syndicated his show.
Yeah.
But that's why he came back and he was always putting down Randy Miller.
Yeah and Johnny Dare.
And Randy Miller went to put down Man Cal.
Yeah.
It is like.
I was up there then.
I was in Kansas City then.
Yeah.
And that was going on.
There was like hard feelings I guess from before.
Right.
Yeah there was.
There was.
He also attacked Johnny Dare very vigorously too.
But that was the whole thing of that 90's radio was attack, attack, attack.
Oh it was.
Because that's what Howard Stern did to Man Cal was attacked him and tried to belittle him
and make fun of him.
Fuck with his family and all that stuff.
And I found that very poor taste.
Because and I'm not even going to go into it but some of the stuff that Howard Stern did to me.
Cross the line screwing with his family and doing stuff like that.
Yeah.
And I never liked that.
That's why I didn't get into Stern.
No I always thought Stern was a self righteous miserable asshole.
And like I said there's parts of his shows I really like like Captain Janks and some other things.
But a majority of his show I thought was really kind of sad because the tone that he produced to me was not happy.
It was very angry and sad.
And I it just went my thing but obviously a lot of people loved him.
He did very well.
So anyhow that was just me though.
So anyhow and he still does well.
I mean he's a guy that's a fucking multi-millionaire not me.
So obviously he done something right.
So anyhow but that's just my own personal opinion on that.
Right now I'm giving you mine and I totally agree with you.
Yeah.
Oh but this all originated from political radio.
Political radio although I did enjoy it.
I don't so much now but I did enjoy it for a time.
I enjoyed listening to angry people yell about different situations and I found it fascinating.
But yeah yeah yeah.
But to me I kind of grew out of it but I never grew out of the dick jokes.
I always find a good dick joke is funny.
Tongue in cheek innuendo all that stuff.
But the difference to me between like Bob and Tom and Man Cow and Bubble Love Sponge and all those guys is this right here.
Bob and Tom had comedians fill a lot of their void where the Man Cows and the Bubble Love Sponges even Howard Stern relied on themselves and their characters that they invented for the shows like Turd and Tard and whoever Randy Miller's guy was.
And and Stern had Cigarette John and Stuttering John and all that stuff.
You know they never had to have a comedian come in and fill like an hour or so void in their show.
And to me that was the difference between their shows why I was never really that huge into Bob and Tom.
The part of Bob and Tom that I do love that I got from their show that I put on this show quite a bit are the crazy news stories.
That part with was it Christie Lee I think or something like that.
I enjoyed that part.
Yeah Christie Lee.
Yeah Christie Lee I remember yeah.
I enjoyed that part of the show.
Where I got into Bob and Tom is when I moved to Southern Missouri.
Oh they were in Springfield and like Thurgood.
No no well it's we didn't have the city the real people in the city that we grew up with.
They were out of the US 99.
Nationally.
Yeah yeah yeah.
No they were in Springfield on US 99 and then they went to another station but they were syndicated out of Indianapolis.
Exactly that's what I mean they were yeah that's I listened to them on this station you just mentioned.
US 99.
Yeah.
US 99.
They did very well there for a lot of years.
They actually were number one in St. Louis for years and then they had.
Gosh I can't believe it.
Well that's why I.
Like David.
Because I couldn't listen to Johnny Gair I couldn't listen to Max Tanner and Moffitt.
Max Tanner and Moffitt was another one I failed to.
Which I am on the Facebook and called KY 102.
Oh so am I we're both on that I saw.
Read by Randy Grady.
Yeah.
Yeah yeah we're both on that one.
Yeah Max Tanner and Moffitt were good too for a long time.
Oh my god they were awesome that was my station.
But before that I hadn't even.
They shut that down and we were lost.
Yeah they had one before on KY and I don't know if you remember or not Dick and Jay.
Yeah I remember Dick and Jay.
Dick and Jay were actually my favorite off of KY 102.
I thought Dick and Jay were so good because they used to do theater of the mind so well.
They'd be like oh we're driving to Sedalia and they'd make all these sounds and they
had no way capable of actually getting that signal in their van and sending it back.
And nobody knew this growing up.
They thought they had some new type of physical equipment that they could syndicate out of
the van.
Well not true.
They couldn't call it in there weren't cell phones or other stuff.
And they used to do all this theater of the mind stuff or act like there were somewhere
else where they weren't.
And that was the stuff I dug.
Because when I found out they really didn't do that I was just like perplexed.
I'm like no they hadn't have been there.
I heard the car screeching.
I heard the birds.
I heard this and that.
And I was like no they were not there.
They did a very elaborate prank on people.
And when I found this out I loved them more.
I wasn't mad at them.
I was like that is so cool that I could visualize everything that they said so well in my mind.
And then I put it together theater of the mind.
Theater of the mind means that.
That means what radio used to be before there was TV.
There was these shows on like the Blue Beetle, the Lone Ranger, all of that stuff.
Stan Freberg.
All of these guys that when you heard them on the radio you saw this vision of what they
were.
And I'll never get that out of my mind.
That is so ingrained in my DNA that I just love it.
And that's why I do a podcast now.
And like I said before I don't care if I never make a dime.
This is my art.
This is my painting.
This is what I love doing.
If nobody likes it so be it.
I like it.
You know.
So.
And just so everybody knows.
I work to pay my bills.
Oh.
We're talking about.
Yes.
That's what we're paying for.
This is my hobby.
Yes.
Thank you Mark.
Of course.
You brought me my hobby I've been looking for.
Yeah.
You know what.
It's excellent.
When you got a hold of me and you wanted to call in and you told me what the podcast did
for you.
It gave me shivers.
Because that's exactly what I imagined it doing to people.
That's what I wanted it to do to people.
I wanted to take them back to the crack of the radio.
It probably hit me hard because man you were so close.
Yeah.
Of course.
You know we've been many years apart.
We're still so close.
Yeah we are.
We always will be.
Rob you know you could have been one of our victims so easy back then but you always broke
through.
You were a real cool person a real guy.
And you know what I mean by the victims and people we used to fuck with.
Yes I know because I was in on it.
Yes.
But you always broke through and there's always a reason why you weren't just one of the victims
of our little pranks and the drinking of the pisses and the paddling and the ass kickings
and the making fun of and the ridicule is because you were a real person that was a
good person and we realized that early on.
We're like you know what this guy's alright and that's how come you're always a part of
us.
Like Harry and all the shit he used to do.
Harry had a heart of gold.
Harry really did not.
He was so unassuming for being nuts.
He was so unassuming.
He was like the truest friend you could have.
Someone could be kidding around about you with your back turned.
They'd be like hey that's not true.
I love that guy.
Don't talk like that about him.
It's like hey relax I was just joking.
I've seen him do that before.
He was like the truest friend you could have because he was so innocent on that level.
I'll tell you what any one of us, me, you, or any of us would have took up for him.
Well we did.
We did a lot.
Somebody started talking cross and we were on them.
Yes.
You know who I need to get on this podcast but I cannot get his attention enough for
him to do it is Davey.
Davey?
Yeah.
I'll get a hold of Davey.
Get a hold of him.
Tell him to come on this podcast because he's agreed to do it nailing him down to the time
to do it.
Oh no no no.
Let me get a hold of Davey.
I'll call him.
It's me and you right now.
The three of us.
One time.
Well I have no way to do it.
It's one time only.
I have no way to do a three way call.
Oh you.
Okay.
Well let's talk about that off air.
Let's see if we can get it happening.
I've got to figure out a system to do it.
I don't have it right here at hand but there's a way to do it.
Yes.
And we'll figure it out and we've got to have him out there.
Let's talk about this off air.
We've done it.
Yeah.
And believe me anybody out there that doesn't know Davey will know it when we're done.
Davey is the only guy that can do like 300 voices if you just tell him to.
He has every voice inside him that he can do and he can do it perfectly.
Anywhere from Pee Wee Herman to like a big fucking monster.
That guy can do it.
And the thing is on top of that he is so naturally funny.
I mean.
Davey.
Davey was the per.
Okay.
Everybody thought that we were all crazy until they met Davey.
Davey would do any dare.
Any dare.
Yes.
Yep.
Do you remember the snake?
Go ahead.
No.
I'm not going to bring up on air because I do not have Davey's permission.
Oh.
Yeah.
I do now.
Took a second.
You do now.
Yeah.
That's.
Yeah.
That was Davey.
Remember when Davey took and carved with a knife all different kinds of obscenities in
Larry's forearm because he blew up snake eggs in his mom's microwave.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
I remember that.
Davey grabbed the knife and just started cutting him.
Yeah.
He did.
Yeah.
He did.
I was like I deserved it.
I deserved it.
I did wrong.
Yep.
Yeah.
He did.
I agreed with him.
I agree with Davey on that one.
Yeah.
But it was funny.
Davey comes in there.
What the hell?
Oh.
Those are snake eggs.
What?
Oh man.
Good times back then.
Geez.
Oh.
We were.
Yeah.
Back then we were.
Yeah.
Anything happened at any moment.
Well you talk about mulling hard and stupid.
That was us man.
Anything.
Oh my God was it.
Oh my God.
Oh my God was it.
Yep.
Wow.
Boy.
I'm glad it happened that day.
And that's what I'm actually.
I'm glad I grew up.
Well yeah.
Ain't no way I could.
Ain't no way I could live that for the rest of my life.
It wasn't meant to be that.
It was meant to be these things that we do.
We've been.
We've been dead by now.
Like I said.
They were reference.
They were basically reference points to anybody with a brain not to do.
It's like.
Oh my God.
See this right here.
Yeah you see this right here.
Don't do it.
And then they show it before and after.
Do not try it.
It's like.
It's like Wile E Coyote.
Do not try this at home.
Yeah.
Yep.
So.
Yep.
Yeah.
I would agree 100%.
That's what all Rob's words came up in my head today at work.
Okay coming up.
Rob's rant is coming up but we have the final thoughts also.
So are you wanting to do both of them Rob or you want to do your rant and then the final
thought.
Yeah we could do the rant first.
Yeah go ahead.
No he does not have the final thought last thing.
This is not a perfected science.
This is something that he developed the other day.
So forgive me.
No he was just today while I was working.
Oh today's okay.
So we're going to have Rob's rant coming up which is kind of like a prototype.
So and he doesn't have anything written down so he's doing this just by just grabbing it
out of thin air with a little bit of thought.
Adlibbing it.
So yeah not thin air.
Adlibbing it.
So anyhow we have Rob's rant and then we have Rob's final thought coming up.
So this is where we put the spotlight on Rob and let Rob do whatever Rob wants to do on
this.
So anyhow hang on let me go over.
Hang on here let me get a light.
Damn this light is way up hang on.
Yeah I'm looking for my.
I'm trying to turn the spotlight on hang on hang on.
You're good you're good.
Okay the spotlight is on.
Spotlight is on.
Oh it's flickering hang on.
Nope nope nope okay there it is.
Spotlight's on.
Alright.
Okay and a three two one a one and a two and a belly fill this too.
Let's see what else.
I don't know.
Anyhow go ahead.
Okay first time ever Rob's rant.
I want to talk about changing signatures.
Okay they went to where okay they went to away from cursive writing in school.
Am I correct?
People are too stupid to do it now.
Not a joke.
You know what I mean?
Not a joke.
When he's 18 he's graduating.
Good for him.
He don't know how to write cursive.
That is insane to me.
Well the job I do I have to unload trucks.
There's certain receipts that I have to sign from the truck drivers where you have to have
your signature and print your name.
Okay.
Okay now here's my rant.
If they do not teach cursive in school how can you do both of them?
You're going to have to print your name on both of them.
Yeah that's right.
Also that also leads to your bank accounts anything where you have a personalized signature
like we have all been taught to learn.
I have a little thing in my signature I do.
Everybody does.
How are these millennials going to be able to do that?
Well quite simply they're not.
Because they don't teach it.
Okay these trucking companies are they going to have to change their paperwork, they're
going to have to change everything.
They're the ones that are going to adapt everything not the people because the people are.
Now that also opens up the identity theft.
I have a little thing in my signature.
I don't know about anybody else but I have a little thing in my signature that like my
bank knows that there's a couple different things I do that they notice that anybody
who pulls my name would not do.
Also here's the difference too you're talking about a smaller hometown bank?
No I'm talking about anywhere.
Oh anywhere okay.
I mean the way I find my name there's two different differences maybe three that anybody
you know if you look at my ID my driver's license you compare the signatures you'll
see it.
But if you go to just printing your name in both spots what's that going to prove?
No quite simply.
Do you see my ring here?
Yeah I do and quite simply.
It opens it up to identity theft.
That's going to be a lot more that's one of the reasons but also the criminals are so
smart anymore that's not the only reason there's going to be more identity theft.
It's because clearly the technology is like one second ahead of the criminal.
As a matter of fact the criminals are probably past them in a lot of ways and that combined
with people being lazy and not wanting to sign or know how to sign their signature are
that combined.
I mean it's just getting to where but here's another thing too to think about Rob.
Where does our money actually come from now?
From nothing.
I don't have a clue.
They're just bank notes that they print up.
So yeah there is and they're all recirculated over years.
So banks just like whatever we'll just go back and get some more.
So they got into this guy's account.
Oh well business as usual am I right?
Yeah.
But I mean I don't understand the no curses thing.
That's what used to identify people.
And now you have documents that they're going to have to change because people don't know
curses.
Yeah.
Like I said when I unload a truck full of steel at work I have to sign the ticket stating
yeah that's how many pieces that we receive.
I have to sign it and then print my name.
How are these kids going to do that?
They're not going to.
They're not going to Rob.
They're not going to.
They're just going to have to print their name twice.
Which okay that don't prove shit.
Same person printed it twice.
Now if they went back to invoice before they could see where the actual signature matched
up.
No I know but quite simply there's going to be more fraud and that's just the way it is.
Exactly.
It's already figured in everything like everything else.
They're not worried about it.
The younger generation is too lazy or whatever you have to or the teaching is too lazy or
whatever all this combined has led to this and they know this and it's the way it is
and they just accept it and they deal with it and that's it.
I mean I hear your rant but it's not changing now.
Right.
No I'm not saying my rants are going to change anything.
No what I'm saying is I understand your rant.
I'm just saying it's just that's kind of like the way it is now.
So right right right and that's all got others coming.
You know this is something I'm coming up with.
No no that's cool.
I'm going to catch some people off guard eventually.
Maybe maybe so.
Anyhow.
Anyhow you got a final thought for us.
Yeah sure I'm closer to the stages looking forward to it.
Alright.
Why are you?
Meanwhile I'll entertain you with something stupid.
Do it.
Let's see.
You ever have a favorite cord that you use to plug into your phone to charge it for no
apparent reason you just like one that looks better than the other.
Yeah.
Okay me too.
Just wondering.
You got your final thought yet?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Okay.
Where'd you go?
He's right here.
Oh here we are.
Okay alright.
Like I said Mark I've been doing way too much.
I have a lot of stuff we will never use.
You'll never know.
We might use a lot of it.
We'll see.
Yeah we'll see.
Anyhow as for promised Rob's final thought.
Okay.
Just when you're having a bad day just keep your head up.
You're already ugly.
You're already broke.
Don't be negative too.
There you go.
Rob's final thought and with that we will see you fuckers later right?
Bye bye.
Two douchebags and a microphone says.
You ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass?
Just asking.
Hey where'd everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my god someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
I'm glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man that smells.