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Welcome to Through the Eyes of a Millennial, a special podcast series created for our young

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adult ministry as they begin to navigate new, important, and uncharted chapters of their

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life. Throughout this series, we'll explore some of the big changes that might be taking

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place in your life, from navigating college life to dating, the New Age church, and living

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in the world. Learn how your relationship with God will grow and evolve as you experience

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these milestones in your life. We are back with Kayla Capels and Taylor Scott with a very

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interesting, insightful topic that I'm sure everybody's going to be interested in. We

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are talking now about dating. Let me look at one or two things and then we'll get your

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questions from you. This is far under my generation. I was mentioning a moment ago

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that the silent generation, the greatest generation, the baby boomers, the Gen Xs, the millennials,

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I mean that baby boom generation where you went to somebody's house to date them. You

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picked them up, you didn't blow the horn, you went and rang the bell and met their

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father and you asked permission to take their daughter out and he may or may not have given

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you permission. My sister, when both my sisters started dating, it was during the time of

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Afros. Oh wow. And so my sister's boyfriend came to the house and he had an Afro that

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was way out here and my daddy came in the house and my daddy said, son take your hat

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off in my house please. And my sister said, no, that's not a hat, it's an Afro. And my

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daddy didn't hear well, he said, he in the Air Force. She said, no, that's an Afro.

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You said, okay son, well, if you're going to see her, you got to cut your hat before

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you come back over here. So the next time he came back to the house, his head looked

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like my head looked right now because you want to take her out. That's the generation

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I come from. But now you don't have to leave the house, you don't have to do all of that

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holding hands and nobody got to go with you to the movies. It's an online situation. You

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just meet them online or meet her online and this in your picture that may or may not be

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the picture that they really are. Catfishers are real out there. Talk to me about that.

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I've heard that word catfish and what does that mean? So a catfish is... To somebody

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in my generation, a catfish is a... You eat it at Papa Doe. What is a catfish? To a millennial,

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a catfish is when someone would probably go on Google and just type in like a fine black

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man and like a celebrity would pop up or somebody that you don't even know and then

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they'll put that as their dating profile picture. And so just to get attraction because that's

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the first day you see when you're online dating and then you go meet up with them, let's say

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Papa Doe and he don't look like that. So you're like, okay, so this catfish, they had a whole

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show about that too. Like people would be sending money to them and this one girl, she

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thought she was like dating Lil Bow Wow and turns out it was not Bow Wow. Like it was

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somebody... Wolf, wolf. Yes. Like the total opposite. So... What do you do when that happens?

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You drop them like yesterday's newspaper or you throw them back like a small bass?

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I've never had that happen to me before. But yes. Never been catfish. Have you? Yes.

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Oh my God, Taylor, really? Yes. You have to talk about that. Talk about that. Yeah, yeah.

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So I was catfish in pastor while the term is called catfish because it's to catch a

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dating fish or like so catfish. So I was talking to this guy on Instagram and we...

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You know, exchange numbers, we FaceTimed a few times, but I was always wondering why

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when we FaceTimed, it was only in one part of his house. Like and I didn't really see

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his neck or anything, but I had a few prints that vouched for him. So I was like, okay,

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you know, I'll go on the date. So I go to the date and I arrived earlier than him because

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I was like, you know, if he comes, I can see him and if he's not him, I can leave. So anyways,

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he talked himself up. He was like, yeah, you know, I'm about six foot and you know, I'm

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a tall girl, like I'm five, 10. So six foot is still a little bit questionable. So he

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was this bodybuilder kind of guy. So I was like, okay, well, he'll be all right. He got

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the muscles and everything. So I'm sitting in the restaurant. He tells me what he has

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on and that he's walking in. And I didn't tell him what I was wearing either. So he walks

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up, walks in the restaurant and it was one of those places where you can see the people

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that walk in. So I'm texting my girlfriends. I'm like, girl, I think this is him, but I

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don't think it's him. That man was five, six. I said, no, I have to go. I love him. I love

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him. I feel so bad, but it was he catfished me. He catfished me with his height. He looked

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the same, but he really wasn't. Right. He wanted to know more inches. So that didn't

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work out. So he was a minnow instead of a catfish.

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Yes. So you took, you had a time on your point of time in your life where you were single.

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Did you ever try online dating? No, no, no, well, I'm, I'm, because I'm not good with

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social media. I'm not good with computers. The only thing I do on the computer is solid

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there. Really? Because I don't, I've never done online dating because I just, I'm just,

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I was just not my, I didn't come from that era. And I know, you know, people my age do

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that because I see these commercials on television where the, where the older people look online

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and the lady say how good he looks and it's a bounty commercial, but it's still online,

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online dating. Right. But I've never done that because I've never been interested. I don't

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like surprises. Right. Like, like Taylor was surprised at the restaurant. It was so surprising.

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It was bad. But I think that oddly enough, that didn't deter me from like not trying

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online dating again. I think pandemic, the pandemic rolling in really encouraged people

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that were used to meeting people socially, like in person to try online. And I have a

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lot of friends who like met their husbands on the internet like Fumble and Hinge, no

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free promo though. You know, through those websites, but it's interesting you say that

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because even my parents, like they met in college and still to this day, my mom and

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my dad, like they don't FaceTime, like they don't text on the phone, like they just call

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each other. My dad's like, why do I need to FaceTime her? You know, it's interesting

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because we thrive on those things. Like the first thing for me now is like, if I get your

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number online, I'm going to FaceTime you and I might need to talk to you like three or

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four more times on the phone and then meet with you in a public setting. Yes. And that's

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good. Yeah. Public setting because nowadays these men want us to come to their house.

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I'm not going to your house. You're going to take me out and you're going to plan it

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and then you're going to pay for it. Talk. And then if I like you, then I'll follow up

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and let you know. But if I don't, then I'm going to follow up and let you know. So that's

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just the point where I am with dating right now. Okay. So if you, if you don't like him

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here and he's still paying for the food or you pay for your own food. Oh no, he's paying

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for it. I think chivalry is important, but that also sort of reminds me like of how sometimes

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dating as a Christian can be difficult, right? Very difficult. Because I know for me with

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online now on the profiles, you can kind of like put your religion, like all these different

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things, right? And they don't match up to it. Right. Or much like pass Edison said today,

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like people say they're spiritual, but they're not religious. Yes. So like dating people

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and having to sort of set those boundaries or set those intentions as far as like, okay,

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well, if you date me, like this is what I do on Sunday. Like I go to church on Sundays

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or we might not be crossing these sort of lines and horizontal fellowship. That's right.

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That's always taught us that term. As soon as they might expect it because you know,

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it's a challenge being a young woman and wanting to date with intent and sometimes finding

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a good looking Christian man that wants to do the same thing. So like, where are they?

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Well, I will say this. I have tried online and it's not for me because I feel like it

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puts too much pressure on me. Like I feel like it's more, I can't just talk to multiple

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people at one time and I feel like that's what online brings up. The type of person is

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very intentional. So I have tried online and it's not for me. And so I just hope to meet

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them just randomly walking Lily girl because I don't want to leave my church. But I mean,

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I know people that kind of like more introverts, they like being online because they can easily

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talk to people. But like for a more outgoing person like me, I think it'll be easier if

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I meet someone. You know, I'll know. What happens if if if you meet someone he's attractive

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and he meets your height requirements and he meets your kind of dress requirements,

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but he calls himself a Hebrew Israelite or he calls himself a Muslim or he calls himself

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a one of the nuns and none in or any if he doesn't have any relationship with God, he

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doesn't believe in God, he doesn't believe in church. And you know, online you've met

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him or in a restaurant or you've dated several times. How do you get out of that or how do

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you navigate that not get out of it but navigate it because eventually you're going to get

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out of it. I suspect I'm hoping I'm praying. But you know, the heart has a mind of its own.

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And you might be down the road before you find out, you know, this is not really what

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it's cracked up to be because people present themselves to be one thing when they're really

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something else. Right. I would say that five years ago, Kayla would have not considered

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breaking up with him because my relationship with God was not where it was. But today,

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Kayla wants a man who has a true relationship with God because I feel like a marriage without

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that would not work. And that's what I'm praying for and that's what I'm pushing myself towards

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to date intentionally. And so it's like, I don't want to be married to somebody that

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I'm praying like I'm down praying on my knees and he just out doing something else. Like

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I want us to come together and fellowship because that's what God wants. You know, I

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also feel like in marriage, Satan attacks you more because you're under God's covenant.

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And so I know that you can be a believer and then your husband can fall out or he may not

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be a believer and you can pray for him and get him to that point. But I feel like I knowing

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where I am now would need someone to help guide me and be alongside with me with that.

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Hmm. I would, I would have to say like I could be very honest because I did that before.

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I dated someone for a long time that didn't necessarily identify with Christianity. And

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in the beginning, like you said, love can be blind and it can be blinded by a lot of

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different things. It really didn't matter to me. But if I was being honest, it took me

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away from God a lot because I became so consumed and wanting to learn more about what he was

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doing and what he was believing in that I didn't really recognize like how far that

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was taking me away from my moral compass. Right. And it was sort of frustrating toward

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the end because I started to realize that first of all, the younger me felt like I could

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save the world. Like I felt like part of my, part of my duty as a Christian was like to

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evangelize even though I was evangelizing to friends. I thought I could evangelize to

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the boy that I was so crazy about. But like that, that just wasn't going to work. So anyway,

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it, it, it took me, if I'm being quite honest, it took me very far away from God. And I started

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to think like maybe it could work, which was sort of the devil praying on me saying like,

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okay, well, I know how to take you away from, you know, your strength away from your source,

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you know, and I had to sort of come back to my senses and realize like, okay, Taylor,

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this is, this is not it. And no matter how hard I try to do what I'm doing, I, a lot

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of times felt like what I was doing to him was silly, you know, because he would sort

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of make fun of or it would always be a conflict with like our conversation when my faith came

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up versus his and like what I believed in. And I remember we were pretty committed for

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a while and the topic did come up, you know, moving that further. And of course, like my

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parents didn't know nothing about that. So it came up and he was just like, well, we

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will want them to believe whatever, whatever they come to believe. And you said that today,

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that's such an ignorant thing to be able to say because as children, we need that guidance.

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And the older I get, the more I do understand like why it was important for me to, you know,

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be your dad that I need to get up and go to church or why couldn't go spend a night at

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one of my friend's house on Saturdays? Yeah, because I needed to have that foundation.

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And I think that because that sort of dating experience for me was so impactful in the

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way that I began to view like partnerships and not just like falling for the surface,

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right? Like he's tall, he's fine, he's cute, but like, what does he believe in? Like, will

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this man be able to be ahead of household for me? Like, will I be able to pray with

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my husband when things get hard? Like, I can look at you and tell you you're cute all day.

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But like, can you pray for me? Do you have substance? Right. Do you have substance? What's

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beyond that? You know, like, can I take you to church and like, you won't think that it's

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weird that I'm standing up or I need to, you know, go to God and pray for something. So

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I think that that those experience sort of like shape the way that I view dating now

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versus how I viewed it. Like when I was younger, because younger, you just wanted to have fun.

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Yeah, I just wanted somebody cute and a little boyfriend. And I think that's why now it's

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a little bit difficult, too, because I'm a lot more picky. I'm a lot more selective.

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I understand. Some of my friends, they're a little bit too high. But I mean, like, it's

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okay because I know that I'm God's child and whatever he has for me will be for me. Right?

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And you know your value. Yes. You know what you're worth. Because usually you don't change

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them. They change you, right? Because you're trying so hard to accommodate and you're saying,

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well, maybe if I've been in this area, he will come over on this area. But it's like

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manure and ice cream. That ice cream ain't gonna do nothing to that manure. But that

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manure will mess up the ice cream. And so you have to be careful in those areas. What

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questions you got for me when it comes to in my limited experience with dating?

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Okay. Oh, the first one would be, how can you trust God with your love story? How can

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you trust God with your love? So that's a that's a good, powerful question. God, who

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is the embodiment of love and God, who has given us love and intimacy and sex and the

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beauty of that experience. That's a that's a gift from God. So when it comes to your

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love story, when it comes to who your life partner is going to be, again, God does not

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plan it for us, I don't think, but he knows the plan for us because he knows everything.

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And when you when we pray, God steers us towards the person that he that is best for us. Because

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you know, nobody's going to be perfect because you're not I'm not. But God will steer us in

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the direction of the person that he wants us to be guided to. He saw we see in the Old

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Testament that when Isaac got ready to get a wife, Abraham said, go get this woman over

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here. When when Jacob got ready to get a wife, all they chose mates for them. I'm kind of

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to that point, why I'm about to choose a mate. Because, you know, the two of you have trained

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yourself to think you have been to college, you have you have you've gotten careers. And

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it is almost not almost, but it's very difficult for you to find somebody on your level. Yes,

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to find somebody on your intellectual level, to find somebody on your spiritual level.

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And and and don't ever lower your standards because you want to be, you know, accepting

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of anybody because I heard this growing up as a child and and and it was ingrained in

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us. And it was my parents mid well and everybody I was raised with their parents mid well.

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But I think they taught us wrong by saying, you're not any more than anybody else. They

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say, you know, don't look down on anybody, you're no more than anybody. That's one thing.

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But you are more than this person who is ignorant and doesn't know anything. And you can't bring

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him. That's not even talk about bringing him home. You can't bring him to your friends.

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Because you know, you cannot introduce him to nobody you went to school with because

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he talked about what's up. And here you try to hold an intelligent conversation. You got

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to tell him to pull his pants up. And you got to open your mouth when you're talking,

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don't eat with your head on and pull the chair out for me to sit down, open the door for

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me to walk in. That's that's beneath your value. And so God, God, God has a standard

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for us and the standard that God has for us, he's not hiding it from us. It's in his word.

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We not unequally you're with an unbeliever. You're not going to change them. They're eventually

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going to change you. Two cannot walk together except they be agreed. And it's difficult

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to find that person because and I'm sure they're out there, but you can't look for

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love in the wrong places. Right. You can't you can't, you know, the online dating scene

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is one thing and then the club scene is one thing. And then, you know, even at the church,

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they're fooling you into believing that they one thing. They sure will. They'll catfish

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you in your Sunday school class. Right. But you still have to trust God. It's a matter

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of faith. I talked about it in the opening of the doors of the church. This man was holding

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on to this branch and God said, just let go. And the man says, anybody else up there? Well,

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you just have to let go. And I don't like using this phrase as a so overused, let go

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and let God. And that doesn't mean, you know, God, you have intelligence, you have free

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will and God is not going to violate your free will. Whenever choices you make, God is

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not going to violate that choice, but it may not be God's best for you. And so you have

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to you have to use discernment and ask God to give you a spirit of discernment. And then

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once, once you are sure of yourself, once you have spent some time with yourself, then

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you know what you want. You know what you have to, and it may not be perfect. It may

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not be. And when I say perfect, I mean, it may not be, you know, you could be six feet

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and you five, 10, maybe you not went on heels and that way y'all can get along. But if you're

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not with that, if you're not with that, then keep on searching till you find it has a bright

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side somewhere. I really like how you said though, Pastor, like spending time with ourselves

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first and ensure of ourselves before that sort of endeavors taken to say, okay, now

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I feel like I'm ready to find somebody else because I mean, culturally, for me, I was

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taught like a good man find you, you know, like we as women shouldn't be going out there

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searching for it. So that's why like guilty online dating was sort of like, okay, because

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I would kind of put it myself out there, right. But even beyond that, I think it's very, very,

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very important to spend that time with self first, first as a young woman and a believer

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because sometimes in those times, God will be able to show us I know from my own experience

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like where I needed to grow with him first in order to be made into a woman that can

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compliment a man, you know, men don't complete us. But you know, we brought together as two

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whole, healed individual to become one under God's union. So I believe like in dating with

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intentionality, that's also important to make sure that my spiritual walk is in a space where

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I know I'm strong with God, I'm content with who he'll be able to send me when that timing

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is right. Because a lot of my mistakes in all reality have happened because I went ahead

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of his time. Right. You know, so I want to touch on that a little bit. Let me tell you

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what my guilty pleasure used to be about three years ago. I will go down in the DM. Do you

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know what that means? It means that yes, I got but I will see a cute guy on Instagram

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and I'd be like, Oh, he's cute. Let me just go put some peep and I emojis in his DM. And

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let's go talk to him. And then I'm talking to him. I'm going on a date with them. And

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I'm like, Oh, I'm not like, we don't want the same things. So it took for me to be like,

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Okay, let me step back and let me really trust God with my love story. Because I'm like,

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I want to get married. I want to have kids. Time is a ticket. And I'm praying. I'm like,

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Oh, where is he? And you're not like, I'm not seeing him anywhere. And so I'm like,

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you know, let me just go ahead and do it myself. Let me go DM this guy and God's like,

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that's not him. And it brings me right back to where I am. So now I just step back and

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I don't do that anymore. Praise God. Working on myself, you know, but, but I, we all allow

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some guilty pleasure. Right, right. But one thing that I learned and I listened to you

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a lot is the fact that I can't do it on my own. And that's also with love and your love

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story. Because I watched YouTube videos so much about God writes my love story and I

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hear all these wonderful great stories. And I'm like, Okay, God is doing it for those

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people. It'll eventually be my time. But I have to be patient. And that is so hard sometimes.

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Right. But it is a great thing. Because I'm like, I'm seeing all the things he's doing

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in my life before he comes. And I know that when he comes, my life is going to change.

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I'm going to be a wife. I'm going to eventually be a mother. My relationship with God may not

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look like I'm waking up in the morning before work, having time with him is going to look

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so different. So I tell myself all the time, I need to enjoy my time with God right now

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before that season comes. But I'm also like, God, can you hurry up? What's the tracking

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number? Give me another one. What's your other question? Okay, so I'd like to ask you a question

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past. What type of boundaries can you put in your relationship to avoid sexual temptations?

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I think you can speak on that from telling the young single people. You know, we were

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like, some of us a little hot bothersome. And we're not in the covenant. Yeah, you know,

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so we need some help right here. The boundaries that you can set. Because you're young women,

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you mentioned that you don't want to go find him a good man with fine you. What's wrong

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with you finding him? I just told you I'm finding him like chasing. But I think if you're

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saying putting myself in position to be seen, I think that that can be that can be something

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I do. But in the right. Yeah. So let's get to this sex situation. I don't God does not

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give us that gift and then turn it off. Yes, you cannot because you are sexual. We I am

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sexual you are sexual. A woman wants to be sexual with a man. A man wants to be sexual

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with a woman. But when it comes to relationship and boundaries in those relationships, particularly

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in the dating relationship, you don't you don't want to join yourself to a person that

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you may not have intentions of being with. Because you know, like you say, you get hot

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and bothered. And you want to really say, Hey, listen, let's quit all the preliminaries.

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We got to have a no dairy queen and all that. Let's let's just get with it. And and you

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know, just like a man wants, you know, to just go meet a woman and have sex. There are

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times when a woman just wants to meet a man to have sex. You just don't want, you know,

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I don't want a relationship. I don't want to know your mama. I don't want to go. I don't

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know how many children you got. Let's let's let's just let's just kiss and say goodbye.

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But those things that happens in in your Christian experience. And as a Christian, you want to

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you want to make sure that that the boundaries are set. And sometimes you cross the line.

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Sometimes you go over the over the line, but you want to make sure you don't go over the

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cliff. By that, I mean, God who loves us and God who has given us the gift of sex and given

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us the gift of intimacy and a woman wanting to be sexually involved with a man or man

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wanting to be sexually involved with a woman. The sexual temptation is always going to be

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there because you're not 80 years old. Right. I remember my grandfather came to live with

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us when he got to be old and sick and couldn't take care of himself. He came to live with

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us. And me and my brother Johnny were in the room with him. And we would always just be

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joking around and having fun with him. And so I asked him one day, his name was Edmond

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LaFleur, but he was real light skinned. So his nickname was red. Everybody called him

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red LaFleur. And we called him his grandchildren called him Daddy Red. I said, Daddy Red,

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how old you got to be before you don't want to be with a woman? He said, you got to ask

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somebody older than me. I don't know what to do with him. And I still want to see it.

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So God doesn't take that gift away from us because, you know, we are single. So there

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are times when you, when you cross the line, but you need to make sure that you come back

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to your senses, come back to your, in the boundaries of truth and respectfulness. And

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let me say this, this happened, this actually happened. Barack Obama was going to church

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at Alfred Street where Dr. Howard John Wesley is the pastor. And when he would go, the secret

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servers would come and they would put all these metal detectors and all of these. They

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had to search women's purses and make sure that nobody had a knife or a gun or anything

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like that. So the times that President Obama would go, they would not announce that he

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was coming because they didn't want thousands of people lined up to get in the church. But

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when he did go, the secret servers checked women's purses and men's wallets and everything.

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And so the pastor said that after some time, after President Obama left, he said there

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would be pistols and vibrators. And he said he'd have to make an announcement at the

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church. He said, I have some items here in my office. And he said nobody claimed him.

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Nobody would declaim him. So maybe you know, he might need Jerome or whatever you call

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him, you know, so from time to time. No, you know, Jerome, you need to be your friend.

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And I'm not saying that, you know, saying that I'm saying, you know, you need to know

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where the where the boundaries are. And you know how to come back. Yeah. If we confess

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our sin, he's faithful and just to forgive us. I'm not, I'm not advocating sex before

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marriage. But it happens. It ain't no sense in beating around the bush and said it doesn't

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happen. It happens. It does happen. I mean, it's a temptation. And the strongest urge

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other than the strongest power to an individual other than the power of the Holy Spirit is

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a sexual urge. And that's a natural proclivity. That's very natural. As powerful as that natural

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urge is, the overpowering nature of the Holy Spirit can help us to control that. But we

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don't always ask for his help. We don't always want him to help us. And he, he'll come to

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aid us in the time of need. But then usually we wait until afterwards and say, Holy Ghost,

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I need you to forgive me of my sins. He'll open up a couple doors and I'll be like, let

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me shut all of these. Cleanse me from all of them.

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But we are, we are able to navigate those waters and God in his mercy and in his grace

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covers us. He protects us because we could be way out on a limb, being really, really,

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really, way out there on a limb. But the, but the urge does not go away because you're

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a Christian, you know, you have the same urge as the sinner does. You have the same sexual

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drive. You have the same sexual energy sometimes more so because you're keeping yourself.

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And that, that can be a pent up kind of emotion. Yes. Dangerous. Yes. But just so it does not

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become a dangerous kind of emotion where you just, you know, go all out of bounds and dance

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it on the pole and all that stuff. Yeah, we don't want to do all of that. That's it.

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Thank you for listening to Through the Eyes of a Millennial. Through the Eyes of a Millennial

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is proudly presented by Lily Grove Global Ministries. We invite you to learn more about

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Lily Grove's Young Adult Ministry by visiting lilegrove.org. For weekly sermons and teachings,

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subscribe to the Call to Joy podcast available everywhere you listen to podcasts. Thank you

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again for joining us. God bless you and we'll see you at Lily Grove.