WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.399 So you know what everybody, most of us don't 00:00:02.399 --> 00:00:06.240 avoid looking inward because we don't care. We 00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:08.859 avoid it because we're not sure what we're going 00:00:08.859 --> 00:00:11.960 to find there if we do look inward. You know, 00:00:12.039 --> 00:00:14.160 there's a question I have. Is there anything 00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:17.359 that you've been quietly avoiding to look at? 00:00:17.420 --> 00:00:20.219 And if so, why? Not because you don't want to 00:00:20.219 --> 00:00:24.000 change, but because maybe you don't know. What's 00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:27.420 there? Maybe sometimes we get a little bit afraid 00:00:27.420 --> 00:00:31.120 of what might be there. And I know that we all 00:00:31.120 --> 00:00:33.740 have at least dealt with this and maybe I'll 00:00:33.740 --> 00:00:36.479 still continue to at least at some level. You 00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:39.100 know, the crazy thing about this is this is really 00:00:39.100 --> 00:00:42.299 kind of normal. It's human. This was actually 00:00:42.299 --> 00:00:45.880 part of Heavenly Father's plan for us when the 00:00:45.880 --> 00:00:48.179 fall of Adam and Eve was incorporated as one 00:00:48.179 --> 00:00:51.829 of the pillars of eternity. Welcome out to Redeem 00:00:51.829 --> 00:00:54.149 Through His Blood. This is Scott Durfee. We're 00:00:54.149 --> 00:00:58.210 super excited to bring you another episode where 00:00:58.210 --> 00:01:01.750 we focus on another step of recovery. We have 00:01:01.750 --> 00:01:05.069 our great friends Nick and Crystal here with 00:01:05.069 --> 00:01:07.890 us today. Hello, Nick. Hey guys, so happy to 00:01:07.890 --> 00:01:10.329 be here. Crystal, how are you? Good, how are 00:01:10.329 --> 00:01:12.810 you? Good, and of course we have the lovely Princess 00:01:12.810 --> 00:01:15.469 Deborah Durfee with us as always. Hi Deb. Hi 00:01:15.469 --> 00:01:18.590 everyone. So, you know, here we are, we're in 00:01:18.590 --> 00:01:23.140 April, last month. was, of course, March. March 00:01:23.140 --> 00:01:25.379 being the third month, we focused on the third 00:01:25.379 --> 00:01:27.859 step. The third step was really, in fact, the 00:01:27.859 --> 00:01:32.060 first three steps, guys, were really centric 00:01:32.060 --> 00:01:35.019 to what we talked about in this podcast, establishing 00:01:35.019 --> 00:01:41.079 and developing and cultivating and abiding within 00:01:41.079 --> 00:01:44.390 a relationship with deity through. our Heavenly 00:01:44.390 --> 00:01:47.349 Father, Son, Jesus Christ. We do that in step 00:01:47.349 --> 00:01:52.769 one. We recognize we're powerless. We're natural 00:01:52.769 --> 00:01:58.430 men. We're sinners. We're just powerless. Two, 00:01:58.569 --> 00:02:01.569 we come to know Him and that it's through Him 00:02:01.569 --> 00:02:05.329 that we can regain sanity. Sanity can look like 00:02:05.329 --> 00:02:06.930 a bunch of different things. It can look like 00:02:06.930 --> 00:02:09.449 peace and a million other things, potentially. 00:02:11.289 --> 00:02:13.689 And then we make a decision. And then that decision, 00:02:15.150 --> 00:02:16.949 that's step three. That's what we talked about 00:02:16.949 --> 00:02:19.449 last week. In that decision, that's when we decide 00:02:19.449 --> 00:02:22.849 to walk hand in hand with him and begin to turn 00:02:22.849 --> 00:02:26.669 our will over to him. The question then becomes, 00:02:27.069 --> 00:02:30.409 how do we begin to turn our will over to him? 00:02:31.090 --> 00:02:32.930 So Nick, we're going to roll right into step 00:02:32.930 --> 00:02:35.889 four. Help us understand the correlation there. 00:02:36.409 --> 00:02:40.469 What makes step four essential following three? 00:02:41.439 --> 00:02:43.659 So maybe some of your experience with it. I don't 00:02:43.659 --> 00:02:48.240 know perfect. Thank you so step four the beauty 00:02:48.240 --> 00:02:51.939 of step four is is this is where the rubber starts 00:02:51.939 --> 00:02:54.860 to hit the road, you know steps one two and three 00:02:54.860 --> 00:02:59.639 are More like an internal, you know, I'm I'm 00:02:59.639 --> 00:03:02.539 like, okay, I can't do it on my own All right, 00:03:02.620 --> 00:03:05.020 I need God's help and I'm gonna I'm gonna let 00:03:05.020 --> 00:03:07.960 him help me but But now what? And so step four 00:03:07.960 --> 00:03:10.919 is about what's, what's blocking us from the 00:03:10.919 --> 00:03:14.599 spirit, you know, and, and, uh, I kind of, I 00:03:14.599 --> 00:03:18.479 like to, um, envision that I've got this tube 00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:21.439 of light that kind of comes into my chest, into 00:03:21.439 --> 00:03:24.659 my heart, you know, and, and that's God's light 00:03:24.659 --> 00:03:27.659 shining into me. And we've all got that. And, 00:03:27.659 --> 00:03:32.240 and it isn't that God ever took his spirit away 00:03:32.240 --> 00:03:34.979 from me or stop shining that light. It's that 00:03:34.979 --> 00:03:38.099 I filled that tube up with bricks that blocked 00:03:38.099 --> 00:03:41.219 that light from coming in. And step four, we 00:03:41.219 --> 00:03:44.580 begin to take a look at what those bricks are, 00:03:44.819 --> 00:03:47.400 and then we start to look at the truth behind 00:03:47.400 --> 00:03:53.280 them. And in some of the recovery literature, 00:03:53.620 --> 00:03:57.639 it talks about how every serious emotional problem 00:03:57.639 --> 00:04:01.389 can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct. 00:04:01.909 --> 00:04:04.389 This is what the natural man is made up of. God 00:04:04.389 --> 00:04:08.949 designed us with these instincts, the sex instinct, 00:04:09.330 --> 00:04:12.750 the instinct for material and emotional security, 00:04:13.289 --> 00:04:17.250 the instinct for an important place in society. 00:04:18.069 --> 00:04:21.889 These are the things that get out of whack and 00:04:21.889 --> 00:04:26.470 then they begin to drive us. So it says, When 00:04:26.470 --> 00:04:29.949 we want to find out exactly how, when, and where 00:04:29.949 --> 00:04:33.670 our natural desires have warped us, we wish to 00:04:33.670 --> 00:04:37.629 look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused 00:04:37.629 --> 00:04:40.649 others and ourselves by discovering what our 00:04:40.649 --> 00:04:44.230 emotional deformities are. We can move toward 00:04:44.230 --> 00:04:48.730 their correction. My own personal experience 00:04:48.730 --> 00:04:53.449 with this is that I've heard a quote that says, 00:04:55.050 --> 00:04:59.069 I've been walking around in life asleep, dreaming 00:04:59.069 --> 00:05:03.910 I was awake. And what I love about that is that 00:05:03.910 --> 00:05:06.649 for the majority of my life, I was completely 00:05:06.649 --> 00:05:10.209 asleep to what was truly driving my behavior. 00:05:11.589 --> 00:05:16.769 And what step four really gets into is looking 00:05:16.769 --> 00:05:21.740 at how... I'm holding others responsible for 00:05:21.740 --> 00:05:24.160 how I feel, you know, it focuses specifically 00:05:24.160 --> 00:05:27.439 on resentments, you know, and so it's that blame, 00:05:27.699 --> 00:05:29.519 like, oh, if my parents wouldn't have done this, 00:05:29.579 --> 00:05:31.920 then I wouldn't be this way, or, oh, if, you 00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:34.459 know, my boss at work wasn't whatever, then I 00:05:34.459 --> 00:05:37.160 would be happier, you know, and so it goes through 00:05:37.160 --> 00:05:39.699 and shows me how to get free from those things, 00:05:40.139 --> 00:05:43.860 but then it dives into fear, you know, and fear 00:05:43.860 --> 00:05:48.750 is really the big driver. And it shows how fear 00:05:48.750 --> 00:05:53.170 is really a lack of trust or faith. When I'm 00:05:53.170 --> 00:05:55.069 in fear, it's because I'm shouldering the burden 00:05:55.069 --> 00:05:58.329 myself instead of being yoked with the Savior. 00:05:59.050 --> 00:06:01.310 And the cool thing about step four is it gives 00:06:01.310 --> 00:06:05.670 us some tools and some prayers to work with on 00:06:05.670 --> 00:06:13.009 how to start surrendering these things to the 00:06:13.009 --> 00:06:17.170 Savior. And that's exactly why we do it. So we 00:06:17.170 --> 00:06:19.930 can start surrendering these things to the Savior 00:06:19.930 --> 00:06:22.870 so that that spiritual light will no longer be 00:06:22.870 --> 00:06:25.550 blocked by the bricks in your tube, right? Exactly. 00:06:25.829 --> 00:06:28.509 Yeah, it clears them out. Well, Deb, explain 00:06:28.509 --> 00:06:33.310 to us, what is step four? Well, I think it's 00:06:33.310 --> 00:06:35.269 totally appropriate that you say fear -based, 00:06:35.329 --> 00:06:37.350 because it's a fearless and moral inventory. 00:06:37.829 --> 00:06:41.459 You're taking, I call it, mirror work. You're 00:06:41.459 --> 00:06:43.420 putting the mirror in front of your face and 00:06:43.420 --> 00:06:46.240 you are looking yourself in your very own eye 00:06:46.240 --> 00:06:49.779 and you're like, who am I and what am I doing? 00:06:50.139 --> 00:06:52.259 Why am I here? Where am I going? Where did I 00:06:52.259 --> 00:06:55.879 come from? What is the ultimate destination? 00:06:56.120 --> 00:07:02.319 And I think for me personally, getting raw and 00:07:02.319 --> 00:07:07.779 fearless is not for anyone but myself. I feel 00:07:07.779 --> 00:07:10.529 like I was sharing this a little bit earlier, 00:07:11.029 --> 00:07:13.850 but as a child, there were some things that happened 00:07:13.850 --> 00:07:16.589 to me. And therefore, as a child, I acted out. 00:07:17.470 --> 00:07:23.250 And that was one of those guilts or that shame 00:07:23.250 --> 00:07:27.050 or that fear that I suppressed deep in the bottom 00:07:27.050 --> 00:07:31.110 of my every soul. And I didn't want to talk about 00:07:31.110 --> 00:07:32.990 it. I didn't want to bring it up. I didn't want 00:07:32.990 --> 00:07:36.430 to admit it. And so when I started my step work, 00:07:37.580 --> 00:07:40.860 and exposed, it was all just recent stuff. I 00:07:40.860 --> 00:07:44.839 didn't go back to things that, and you've heard 00:07:44.839 --> 00:07:49.459 this saying, I'll take that to my grave, or no 00:07:49.459 --> 00:07:52.879 one will ever know this. And it was one of those 00:07:52.879 --> 00:07:57.939 things that I personally, once I was able to, 00:07:57.939 --> 00:08:00.120 and it was the second time around working through 00:08:00.120 --> 00:08:04.019 this personal and moral, fearless, fearless and 00:08:04.019 --> 00:08:07.990 moral inventory, that I truly was able to say 00:08:07.990 --> 00:08:12.810 it out loud and go, I didn't just die. It didn't 00:08:12.810 --> 00:08:15.110 kill me because I honestly thought by saying 00:08:15.110 --> 00:08:18.209 what had happened to me and what I had the behavior 00:08:18.209 --> 00:08:22.350 that I had acted out on was like the unforgivable. 00:08:22.990 --> 00:08:26.629 It was just in my brain. It was horrific. And 00:08:26.629 --> 00:08:32.669 I think that literally taught me more about even 00:08:32.669 --> 00:08:37.429 looking in the mirror at myself and knowing it's 00:08:37.429 --> 00:08:40.690 all out. There's no sealed room. There's no sealed 00:08:40.690 --> 00:08:43.970 spot. There's no sealed secret. And we often 00:08:43.970 --> 00:08:47.129 hear we're only as sick as our secrets. And they 00:08:47.129 --> 00:08:51.769 can cause dis -ease in the body. I truly believe 00:08:51.769 --> 00:08:55.250 that. I think that as we don't face our fear 00:08:55.250 --> 00:08:57.470 and we keep shoving and shoving and shoving, 00:08:57.889 --> 00:09:03.870 I feel like fear can be. damning in more ways 00:09:03.870 --> 00:09:08.190 than just spiritually. I think it can be a physical 00:09:08.190 --> 00:09:13.889 pain or element. Step four really is what you 00:09:13.889 --> 00:09:17.769 just said. We take a fearless and searching moral 00:09:17.769 --> 00:09:21.509 inventory of ourselves. And I think, Nick, you 00:09:21.509 --> 00:09:24.549 really hit the purpose of that. The purpose of 00:09:24.549 --> 00:09:28.559 that is so that we can now... Begin to give that 00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:31.059 to him right now that it's uncovered. We just 00:09:31.059 --> 00:09:34.320 give it to him. We talked to him about it Crystal 00:09:34.320 --> 00:09:36.539 you come at it from just a slightly different 00:09:36.539 --> 00:09:40.590 perspective. Maybe But you still have a lot of 00:09:40.590 --> 00:09:43.549 different, you know, with your experience with 00:09:43.549 --> 00:09:45.529 going through what you and Nick have been through 00:09:45.529 --> 00:09:47.809 and putting your family back together. And gang, 00:09:47.830 --> 00:09:49.690 for those of you who don't know Nick and Crystal, 00:09:49.730 --> 00:09:52.230 we're going to encourage you to go back several 00:09:52.230 --> 00:09:55.330 episodes ago. We had these guys on. It should 00:09:55.330 --> 00:09:57.570 be easy to find. I'll try and reference it and 00:09:57.570 --> 00:10:00.509 maybe even link it in the show notes. But if 00:10:00.509 --> 00:10:03.250 you don't know Nick and Crystal's story, you're 00:10:03.250 --> 00:10:07.409 really missing out. And this episode will actually 00:10:07.240 --> 00:10:10.620 have way more impact on you if you understand 00:10:10.620 --> 00:10:14.399 from the vantage point or the perspective that 00:10:14.399 --> 00:10:17.960 these two bring, especially with their relationship, 00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:20.340 their marriage, and their kids, and all of that. 00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:24.500 So anyway, now that I've prefaced it. Yeah, Crystal. 00:10:25.659 --> 00:10:28.899 I mean, I feel like I just, you know, being a 00:10:28.899 --> 00:10:31.080 part of this conversation is really good for 00:10:31.080 --> 00:10:34.320 me. I feel like I sit here and I just learn from 00:10:34.320 --> 00:10:37.460 all of you because I'm still learning how to 00:10:37.460 --> 00:10:42.059 work the steps. And like, I'm thinking, you know, 00:10:42.179 --> 00:10:45.179 why do I avoid looking inward? Sometimes I just 00:10:45.179 --> 00:10:48.120 I don't know how to do the work at time. I think 00:10:48.120 --> 00:10:50.659 like my younger self would have been like, I'm 00:10:50.659 --> 00:10:52.440 trying. I just don't know. Like, tell me how 00:10:52.440 --> 00:10:55.570 to do it. Right. I remember when I was younger, 00:10:55.629 --> 00:10:57.750 my dad would be like, I would come to him and 00:10:57.750 --> 00:11:00.549 say, you know, why does this keep happening to 00:11:00.549 --> 00:11:03.210 me? Or why am I in the same spot? And he would 00:11:03.210 --> 00:11:07.269 say, well, what are you doing that's contributing 00:11:07.269 --> 00:11:09.230 to this? I can't remember exactly how he said 00:11:09.230 --> 00:11:11.610 it, but basically it was like, what are you doing? 00:11:11.669 --> 00:11:13.590 How are you getting in your own way? And I just 00:11:13.590 --> 00:11:15.750 remember thinking like, I'm going to go to someone 00:11:15.750 --> 00:11:18.870 else that's going to just be like, you poor thing. 00:11:19.169 --> 00:11:22.330 Oh my gosh. Why does it keep happening to you? 00:11:22.859 --> 00:11:25.860 And so, but the thing that he was doing, I think, 00:11:25.899 --> 00:11:28.460 was just trying to help me get out of my own 00:11:28.460 --> 00:11:32.539 way, right? How am I contributing to this? And 00:11:32.539 --> 00:11:34.960 you can't change what you can't see about yourself. 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:39.759 So when you can start to look inward, you can 00:11:39.759 --> 00:11:42.039 start to see, you know, maybe where you need 00:11:42.039 --> 00:11:45.200 to develop a little bit more. And I think in 00:11:45.200 --> 00:11:47.399 my mind at that time, I just felt like if I have 00:11:47.399 --> 00:11:50.179 to say that I'm not doing it right or I, you 00:11:50.179 --> 00:11:55.740 know, need to grow, like it didn't reflect the 00:11:55.740 --> 00:11:59.259 sense of self that I wanted to believe I had. 00:11:59.700 --> 00:12:02.139 Does that make sense? Like it didn't reinforce 00:12:02.139 --> 00:12:04.960 my idea of what it means to be me. And it was 00:12:04.960 --> 00:12:07.259 just a very black and white thought. And there's 00:12:07.259 --> 00:12:11.100 a lot of fear in letting go of that belief or 00:12:11.100 --> 00:12:15.629 that we grip to that. who am I or that perspective 00:12:15.629 --> 00:12:18.649 or perception of who we think we are in that 00:12:18.649 --> 00:12:21.250 moment and we grip to that because here's the 00:12:21.250 --> 00:12:23.509 thing and this was true for me that there were 00:12:23.509 --> 00:12:25.610 some character defects there were some things 00:12:25.610 --> 00:12:27.590 you know that I found out through resentment 00:12:27.590 --> 00:12:29.769 and fear and whatnot things that I needed to 00:12:29.769 --> 00:12:32.399 take care of. There were some things in there 00:12:32.399 --> 00:12:35.820 that didn't paint a very pretty picture of me, 00:12:35.879 --> 00:12:39.720 at least by my perspective. It was exposing. 00:12:39.919 --> 00:12:43.899 It exposed some scary things for me to confront. 00:12:44.600 --> 00:12:46.100 And part of the reason that I didn't want to 00:12:46.100 --> 00:12:48.299 confront them, because is once I confronted them, 00:12:48.419 --> 00:12:50.879 then I no longer had that anchor to hold me back. 00:12:51.179 --> 00:12:54.059 And there's sometimes, for me guys, there was 00:12:54.059 --> 00:12:57.039 sometimes comfort in the anchor holding me back. 00:12:57.379 --> 00:12:59.799 If I'm not responsible to change, if I'm not 00:12:59.799 --> 00:13:03.620 responsible to grow, maybe I'll perceive that 00:13:03.620 --> 00:13:07.860 as maybe an easier, softer way. Well for me, 00:13:08.799 --> 00:13:12.659 it was easier for me to blame somebody else for 00:13:12.659 --> 00:13:15.620 how I felt or what I was going through. And that 00:13:15.620 --> 00:13:18.340 was. a really eye -opening experience when I 00:13:18.340 --> 00:13:20.039 worked on my step four and put the mirror in 00:13:20.039 --> 00:13:23.139 front of my face and said, what's my part? Because 00:13:23.139 --> 00:13:27.440 to the world, you know, when you say, my husband 00:13:27.440 --> 00:13:29.860 just cheated on me. What a gift. What's your 00:13:29.860 --> 00:13:34.220 part? It's like I wanted to dig my sponsor's 00:13:34.220 --> 00:13:36.720 eyes out. I'm like, well, I'm like, how is this 00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:42.600 a gift? But honestly, it was such an eye -opening 00:13:42.600 --> 00:13:46.100 event for me that it was like. I do have a part 00:13:46.100 --> 00:13:49.039 of this. This is something that I get to look 00:13:49.039 --> 00:13:54.620 at and I get to own my part, my contributions, 00:13:55.100 --> 00:13:58.159 my perception of it. When you guys were doing 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:00.820 your four -step inventories, was there a theme 00:14:00.820 --> 00:14:05.860 that popped up more than maybe others? For me, 00:14:06.019 --> 00:14:08.059 I saw a lot of resentment. I saw a lot of fear. 00:14:08.790 --> 00:14:12.409 both of those, just a ton of fear. I was a victim. 00:14:14.370 --> 00:14:17.610 My fear actually drove most of my resentment 00:14:17.610 --> 00:14:22.470 even. Maybe still does, I don't know. Did you 00:14:22.470 --> 00:14:25.070 guys have anything that came up that was difficult? 00:14:25.730 --> 00:14:32.490 Well, the thing that drove so much of the first 00:14:32.490 --> 00:14:38.230 few inventories that I did was my fear of how 00:14:38.230 --> 00:14:44.529 I think other people perceive me. My vanity is 00:14:44.529 --> 00:14:50.009 hands down, it's the thing that will get my resentment 00:14:50.009 --> 00:14:52.909 going so strong when I feel like somebody is 00:14:52.909 --> 00:14:57.629 making me look bad. And it's been really interesting 00:14:57.629 --> 00:15:00.250 to take a look at that, especially when it pops 00:15:00.250 --> 00:15:03.250 up today, because it still pops up, but given 00:15:03.250 --> 00:15:09.090 the tools, Now, like Deb was talking about, it's 00:15:09.090 --> 00:15:12.129 a giant mirror. When I get angry at somebody 00:15:12.129 --> 00:15:14.769 else, I know that they are reflecting back to 00:15:14.769 --> 00:15:16.990 me an insecurity about myself that is driven 00:15:16.990 --> 00:15:19.909 by fear like you were talking about. There's 00:15:19.909 --> 00:15:23.970 a story that comes to mind. Crystal and I were 00:15:23.970 --> 00:15:28.289 divorced for seven years while addiction tore 00:15:28.289 --> 00:15:33.179 through my life and her life by proxy. Whatever 00:15:33.179 --> 00:15:36.600 word. What in proxy, she was there. Yes, she 00:15:36.600 --> 00:15:39.600 was there. She had a front row seat. She was 00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:42.419 there. And thankfully, she left there for a little 00:15:42.419 --> 00:15:46.460 while when things got real bad. And so we ended 00:15:46.460 --> 00:15:53.000 up getting remarried last August. And I am bringing, 00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:58.980 I brought a five -year -old along with me. When 00:15:58.980 --> 00:16:01.659 we first got remarried, you know, it was like, 00:16:01.659 --> 00:16:04.000 all right, God, like give us maybe a year to 00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:07.480 settle in and then then maybe we'll take on this 00:16:07.480 --> 00:16:10.519 other little one. And it was like three weeks 00:16:10.519 --> 00:16:13.039 after we got remarried where it was like, nope, 00:16:13.320 --> 00:16:15.279 she's coming and she's coming right now, which 00:16:15.279 --> 00:16:21.659 has been amazing. But and she was being raised 00:16:21.659 --> 00:16:28.830 by her grandparents. And so they've been amazing 00:16:28.830 --> 00:16:32.350 people, like the greatest, you know, such a gift 00:16:32.350 --> 00:16:35.950 for us. And she moved in with us, you know, and 00:16:35.950 --> 00:16:40.610 it was not easy. And, you know, I ran through 00:16:40.610 --> 00:16:43.730 this inventory with Scott last September, October, 00:16:44.149 --> 00:16:48.590 when I did this inventory, but, you know, I started 00:16:48.590 --> 00:16:54.490 seeing this behavior and it was really hard integrating 00:16:54.809 --> 00:16:57.669 bringing our family back together, bringing our 00:16:57.669 --> 00:16:59.950 other three kids, and then bringing this fourth 00:16:59.950 --> 00:17:03.289 one in and trying to adjust to all the change. 00:17:03.970 --> 00:17:07.029 And so I started getting really angry and really 00:17:07.029 --> 00:17:11.049 resentful because... my five year old was not 00:17:11.049 --> 00:17:13.589 behaving the way that I wanted her to. So therefore 00:17:13.589 --> 00:17:17.910 she's making me look bad. And you know, so then 00:17:17.910 --> 00:17:21.190 that resentment goes even further where I'm getting 00:17:21.190 --> 00:17:24.630 angry with her grandma internally, you know, 00:17:24.670 --> 00:17:28.230 and starting to blame and do these things and, 00:17:28.230 --> 00:17:30.750 and intellectually like, okay, I can see that 00:17:30.750 --> 00:17:33.369 this is absurd, you know, but the way that I 00:17:33.369 --> 00:17:37.309 feel the emotions, they're so strong. And so 00:17:37.579 --> 00:17:40.720 I wrote this out in the inventory process that 00:17:40.720 --> 00:17:44.240 has us look at how does this affect your self 00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:46.380 -esteem? How does this affect your pride? How 00:17:46.380 --> 00:17:48.920 does this affect your ambition? How does this 00:17:48.920 --> 00:17:52.160 affect your personal relationships? And so as 00:17:52.160 --> 00:17:55.559 I went through and filled this out, what it was 00:17:55.559 --> 00:18:00.519 is I was ashamed of what I had done. I had so 00:18:00.519 --> 00:18:03.759 much fear bringing this little girl to live with 00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:08.180 us. And then I was owned by what I thought other 00:18:08.180 --> 00:18:10.759 people were going to think about me. And so I 00:18:10.759 --> 00:18:14.839 needed her to act a certain way so that it would 00:18:14.839 --> 00:18:19.140 portray me in a good light. And getting to the 00:18:19.140 --> 00:18:22.559 truth of that and seeing that this is all driven 00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:27.900 by fear. And then the fear inventory, it talks 00:18:27.900 --> 00:18:31.779 about how we give this fear over to God and we 00:18:31.779 --> 00:18:33.960 ask God what He would have us be. That's the 00:18:33.960 --> 00:18:38.440 prayer. And so I wrote this prayer out. And the 00:18:38.440 --> 00:18:40.740 answers came that it's going to be a lifelong 00:18:40.740 --> 00:18:44.759 process, number one. There is no quick fix. And 00:18:44.759 --> 00:18:48.140 that this is a blessing for us and our family. 00:18:49.339 --> 00:18:52.319 And it's something that still crops up here and 00:18:52.319 --> 00:18:55.220 there. But thankfully, it owned me for maybe 00:18:55.220 --> 00:18:59.880 a week until I could write this out, run it by 00:18:59.880 --> 00:19:02.099 another person. I ran it by Scott. I was like, 00:19:02.119 --> 00:19:05.240 all right, here's what it is. This is, you know, 00:19:05.339 --> 00:19:07.640 it sounds crazy, but this is what's really going 00:19:07.640 --> 00:19:10.019 on inside of me. And then, and then it's just 00:19:10.019 --> 00:19:13.880 like, once I see the truth, it's like that thing 00:19:13.880 --> 00:19:18.339 that's blocking me is just gone. Yeah. My sponsor 00:19:18.339 --> 00:19:23.059 referred to that as the way to move that is what 00:19:23.059 --> 00:19:27.490 I don't want you to know about me is I wish you 00:19:27.490 --> 00:19:28.970 said that. My eyes got really big, and I was 00:19:28.970 --> 00:19:32.109 like, whoa, OK, let's do some really deep inventory. 00:19:32.589 --> 00:19:36.509 I love that. You know, I think the benefit, Nick, 00:19:36.630 --> 00:19:39.109 to doing the work, and it's work. Let's be honest. 00:19:39.150 --> 00:19:41.069 100%. It's not easy. A lot of emotions. Yeah, 00:19:41.349 --> 00:19:44.130 there's a lot of things. And this isn't a one 00:19:44.130 --> 00:19:47.049 and done. I mean, when we get to step 10 in October, 00:19:47.150 --> 00:19:49.509 we'll talk about how we continue to take personal 00:19:49.509 --> 00:19:51.210 inventory. And when we're wrong, we promptly 00:19:51.210 --> 00:19:55.029 admit it every day. which is a maintenance step 00:19:55.029 --> 00:19:59.849 and it's much less threatening. Intense. Intense. 00:20:00.329 --> 00:20:03.569 That's the word. But the thing that was difficult 00:20:03.569 --> 00:20:06.049 for me is, especially with the fear inventory, 00:20:06.509 --> 00:20:10.150 I'm so fear -based. It's shame -based and fear 00:20:10.150 --> 00:20:12.910 -driven, actually. Shame comes from my fear. 00:20:13.210 --> 00:20:16.569 One thing I have to give you credit for is you 00:20:16.569 --> 00:20:20.430 were known as angry. and you had a ton of anger. 00:20:20.470 --> 00:20:23.130 Yeah, that's another story. And when you, I know, 00:20:23.789 --> 00:20:26.990 and I watched you, first row seat, front row 00:20:26.990 --> 00:20:32.190 seat, process through those anger. And this is 00:20:32.190 --> 00:20:34.569 how I was able to actually do it. And recognize 00:20:34.569 --> 00:20:38.490 fear. And that was so impressive to be able to 00:20:38.490 --> 00:20:42.509 watch you unfold that. Well, I'll share that 00:20:42.509 --> 00:20:47.660 story. I was this, how far along was I? I mean, 00:20:47.660 --> 00:20:51.599 I was 15 years sober, maybe not quite, but Big 00:20:51.599 --> 00:20:55.259 Al was my sponsor and I needed to do an inventory, 00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:59.839 another four step on anger, just because it was 00:20:59.839 --> 00:21:03.880 owning me. Every little thing, I would control 00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:09.079 people with anger, I would, if I felt threatened, 00:21:09.660 --> 00:21:13.339 fear, all anger. So I write my inventory out 00:21:13.339 --> 00:21:16.009 on anger. and I'm sitting over there at Juice 00:21:16.009 --> 00:21:20.329 and Java here in Orm, Utah, with Big Al, and 00:21:20.329 --> 00:21:22.569 he's reading it through it, you know, and I'm 00:21:22.569 --> 00:21:24.210 going through it with him, and he's reading it, 00:21:24.309 --> 00:21:26.329 and we're chatting back and forth, and finally 00:21:26.329 --> 00:21:28.569 at the end, he just kind of sets the notepad 00:21:28.569 --> 00:21:31.410 down, and he says, he called me Durf, he said, 00:21:31.450 --> 00:21:34.690 you know what, Durf, you're not angry, you're 00:21:34.690 --> 00:21:38.069 just a scared little boy. And that was the most 00:21:38.069 --> 00:21:40.829 accurate assessment anybody had ever made of 00:21:40.829 --> 00:21:44.329 me. and maybe the bravest that anybody had ever 00:21:44.329 --> 00:21:47.029 made to me. You know what I can do with that? 00:21:47.309 --> 00:21:50.130 You know what I can do with fear? Especially 00:21:50.130 --> 00:21:52.630 because I understand it. I can take that to Heavenly 00:21:52.630 --> 00:21:54.970 Father. I can take that to the foot of the cross. 00:21:55.369 --> 00:21:58.450 I can take that to my relationship with Him. 00:21:59.089 --> 00:22:02.650 Well, and I again, as I was able to observe that 00:22:02.650 --> 00:22:05.369 there was so much freedom that I got to watch. 00:22:05.960 --> 00:22:10.779 You unfold. I am free today. Yeah. When you labeled 00:22:10.779 --> 00:22:14.779 that as fear, it was, and that's when I literally 00:22:14.779 --> 00:22:17.099 watched the shift. Well, and that's probably 00:22:17.099 --> 00:22:19.900 true for all of us. Maybe all of us could speak 00:22:19.900 --> 00:22:22.579 to this at some level, but when we look at fear, 00:22:22.839 --> 00:22:24.740 the first question I have to ask myself is what 00:22:24.740 --> 00:22:28.269 am I trying to control? Yeah. What is it? You 00:22:28.269 --> 00:22:32.109 know for me? It's it's it's mostly Perspective 00:22:32.109 --> 00:22:34.970 perception set the word or perspective management 00:22:34.970 --> 00:22:37.289 where I'm trying to manage what you think of 00:22:37.289 --> 00:22:39.089 me I've already y 'all have already brought that 00:22:39.089 --> 00:22:41.509 up, but you know so that that's a lot of times. 00:22:41.509 --> 00:22:44.869 That's the fear that drives me first My daughter 00:22:44.869 --> 00:22:46.990 when you're talking about this it makes me think 00:22:46.990 --> 00:22:48.630 of this I tell the story a lot just because I 00:22:48.630 --> 00:22:52.220 think it's so cute, but when she was like seven, 00:22:52.299 --> 00:22:55.259 eight years old. We lived in this house that 00:22:55.259 --> 00:22:58.859 had long hallways or it was actually my mom's 00:22:58.859 --> 00:23:02.119 house. So she would go over there and there were 00:23:02.119 --> 00:23:04.440 long hallways. And when the lights were out, 00:23:04.559 --> 00:23:06.819 the hallways were scary, right? But she was afraid 00:23:06.819 --> 00:23:11.480 of witches. And so she did this all on her own. 00:23:11.500 --> 00:23:13.640 And then she told me years later, she was like, 00:23:13.640 --> 00:23:15.940 I was afraid of witches and I would go in the 00:23:15.940 --> 00:23:18.559 hallway. And she's like, I just took a step in 00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:21.480 the dark and was like, OK, witches, come and 00:23:21.480 --> 00:23:25.119 get me. And she's like, I just stood there and 00:23:25.119 --> 00:23:28.440 nothing happened. So I took a step further into 00:23:28.440 --> 00:23:30.559 the dark and was like, OK, witches, come and 00:23:30.559 --> 00:23:33.559 get me. And she's like, and nothing happened. 00:23:34.140 --> 00:23:36.240 And she's like, so then from then on, I just 00:23:36.240 --> 00:23:39.160 wasn't afraid of the hallways in the dark. And 00:23:39.160 --> 00:23:41.759 I was like, I love that so much because that's 00:23:41.759 --> 00:23:43.480 really what it is. It's taking a step into the 00:23:43.480 --> 00:23:45.259 dark, not really knowing what you're going to 00:23:45.259 --> 00:23:48.279 find. And when you confront it, you realize it's 00:23:48.279 --> 00:23:52.019 really not that. It's scary, you know? She faced 00:23:52.019 --> 00:23:54.079 her fears. She faced her fears. And on the other 00:23:54.079 --> 00:23:56.779 side of that is freedom, you know? Yeah, exactly. 00:23:57.140 --> 00:23:59.660 I love that analogy. That's exactly. Exposing 00:23:59.660 --> 00:24:02.160 all of this inventory to him so that he can help 00:24:02.160 --> 00:24:05.400 me carry it, what is it that, I mean, and I think 00:24:05.400 --> 00:24:08.640 this is universal. We all, I think, get a little 00:24:08.640 --> 00:24:12.859 bit held back. Why do you think that is? Sorry 00:24:12.859 --> 00:24:15.180 to talk again, but I think sometimes the resentments 00:24:15.180 --> 00:24:18.670 can be a motivator for me. where I'm like, okay, 00:24:18.809 --> 00:24:22.329 I'll show them, right? I'll show them that I 00:24:22.329 --> 00:24:25.769 can do this or be this person or whatever. And 00:24:25.769 --> 00:24:27.809 then when I accomplish the goal and I don't get 00:24:27.809 --> 00:24:31.150 the validation from them, whoever they are, then 00:24:31.150 --> 00:24:35.089 I'm angry. And I'm like, how dare you not tell 00:24:35.089 --> 00:24:36.930 me how good I am or whatever, you know what I 00:24:36.930 --> 00:24:40.410 mean? And so sometimes I think in my weird way 00:24:40.410 --> 00:24:43.230 of thinking, if I let it go, then what's gonna 00:24:43.230 --> 00:24:47.869 motivate me to move forward? One of the really 00:24:47.869 --> 00:24:51.930 cool things in recovery is being able to walk 00:24:51.930 --> 00:24:56.029 other people through this process. And one of 00:24:56.029 --> 00:25:00.430 the things that I like to do with my guys is 00:25:00.430 --> 00:25:03.329 when we go through a fear inventory and when 00:25:03.329 --> 00:25:06.029 we get to the root of the resentments, which 00:25:06.029 --> 00:25:09.589 is fear, is we write out a prayer to God, it's 00:25:09.589 --> 00:25:12.390 called the two -way prayer. And it comes in the 00:25:12.390 --> 00:25:15.750 big book, it talks about how we let God demonstrate 00:25:15.869 --> 00:25:19.349 through us what he can do and we give our fears 00:25:19.349 --> 00:25:21.730 to him and then we ask him what he would have 00:25:21.730 --> 00:25:28.009 us be. This is a practice that I do four or five 00:25:28.009 --> 00:25:32.430 times a week in the morning. I like to inventory 00:25:32.430 --> 00:25:34.410 the fears that I've got going on that morning, 00:25:35.029 --> 00:25:38.569 write it out. I've heard it called love letters 00:25:38.569 --> 00:25:41.049 to God. I write out my letter to God and then 00:25:41.049 --> 00:25:45.549 God writes a letter back to me. I'll go through 00:25:45.549 --> 00:25:47.910 and I'll catalog the things. I kind of view it 00:25:47.910 --> 00:25:51.630 as my daily surrender. Here's what I'm giving 00:25:51.630 --> 00:25:55.329 to you. I do it with these guys and so they will 00:25:55.329 --> 00:26:01.450 write out their fear. Let's say it's one of the 00:26:01.450 --> 00:26:03.170 guys that I just did this with a couple weeks 00:26:03.170 --> 00:26:06.690 ago. He was talking about how he had this fear 00:26:06.690 --> 00:26:08.710 that he would never be able to provide for his 00:26:08.710 --> 00:26:11.150 family. He wouldn't be able to find a job. He's 00:26:11.150 --> 00:26:14.670 newly sober. He's got a wife. and they have their 00:26:14.670 --> 00:26:18.950 third kid on the way. And so he's writing out 00:26:18.950 --> 00:26:21.890 this fear, you know, and then he writes this 00:26:21.890 --> 00:26:24.130 letter to God, you know, God, I'm giving you 00:26:24.130 --> 00:26:26.029 this fear. What would you have me be? You know, 00:26:26.029 --> 00:26:29.470 and it's the answer is, you know, I would have 00:26:29.470 --> 00:26:31.950 you be trusting. I've got a plan for you and 00:26:31.950 --> 00:26:33.950 for your family. You're exactly where I want 00:26:33.950 --> 00:26:36.809 you to be. And, you know, it's all of these very 00:26:36.809 --> 00:26:40.069 reassuring things, but it's crazy because when 00:26:40.069 --> 00:26:44.039 I do this with guys, I can literally watch them 00:26:44.039 --> 00:26:46.240 begin to have their first experience with God. 00:26:47.059 --> 00:26:50.740 You know, God does such amazing things with fear 00:26:50.740 --> 00:26:55.119 because He is the opposite. of the fear. He brings 00:26:55.119 --> 00:26:59.299 the peace in and I feel like it's part of the 00:26:59.299 --> 00:27:01.440 game that he created with life. He's like, all 00:27:01.440 --> 00:27:03.480 right, I'm gonna give you these emotions and 00:27:03.480 --> 00:27:05.839 they're gonna be driven by fear and it's gonna 00:27:05.839 --> 00:27:09.619 constantly be there every day and you've got 00:27:09.619 --> 00:27:12.559 it every day as a reminder that you need me. 00:27:14.259 --> 00:27:19.339 Because once that's gone, you've got a real short... 00:27:20.580 --> 00:27:23.460 Remember, you know, you don't remember very long 00:27:23.460 --> 00:27:25.680 that you need me so I've given you these character 00:27:25.680 --> 00:27:28.339 defects I've given you these flaws I've given 00:27:28.339 --> 00:27:31.180 you this fear, you know, I've given you this 00:27:31.180 --> 00:27:35.240 this instinct that that Attaches to fear so that 00:27:35.240 --> 00:27:38.000 you remember that you constantly need to turn 00:27:38.000 --> 00:27:40.799 to me one of the effects of the fall of Adam 00:27:40.799 --> 00:27:45.000 and Eve Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, and you know, it's 00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:52.809 really amazing what's happened in my life by 00:27:52.809 --> 00:27:56.170 acknowledging those fears and doing my best to 00:27:56.170 --> 00:27:58.710 weed the garden, so to speak, on a daily basis 00:27:58.710 --> 00:28:03.069 and turn those things over. It isn't that problems 00:28:03.069 --> 00:28:05.950 go away, it's that there's a level of peace that 00:28:05.950 --> 00:28:08.490 it's going to work out and I don't have to be 00:28:08.490 --> 00:28:11.789 the one to figure it out. And today I just got 00:28:11.789 --> 00:28:15.289 to do my best with what's in front of me. I don't 00:28:15.289 --> 00:28:19.589 have to figure out all of the next 10 years and 00:28:19.589 --> 00:28:21.910 how I'm going to get from point A to point B. 00:28:22.809 --> 00:28:25.170 It comes down to like, all right, who can I help 00:28:25.170 --> 00:28:27.990 today? Where can I be most useful? And I find 00:28:27.990 --> 00:28:32.480 that by getting out of self... and trying to 00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:34.940 focus on somebody else and do something to lift 00:28:34.940 --> 00:28:37.900 somebody else, whether it's spend time with my 00:28:37.900 --> 00:28:41.059 kids or at work, just be present and see where 00:28:41.059 --> 00:28:46.819 I can be of service. I find that the fear tends 00:28:46.819 --> 00:28:52.380 to go away and I'm a lot happier. I love that. 00:28:53.000 --> 00:28:55.920 I love that. And it's so true. Yeah. The question 00:28:55.920 --> 00:28:59.640 for me is, am I willing to look at it? Am I just 00:28:59.640 --> 00:29:01.720 willing to look at it? But more than that, am 00:29:01.720 --> 00:29:04.420 I willing to look at it with him, my character 00:29:04.420 --> 00:29:07.839 defects, those things that I have going on, those 00:29:07.839 --> 00:29:10.279 things that I still need to inventory or the 00:29:10.279 --> 00:29:12.420 things that come up and need to be inventoried? 00:29:12.859 --> 00:29:16.480 I'm not going through it alone. I'm going through 00:29:16.480 --> 00:29:20.589 it with him now. And when I'm able to do that, 00:29:20.589 --> 00:29:23.910 then even a new level of honesty, Deb, we talked 00:29:23.910 --> 00:29:26.309 about that earlier, but a new level of honesty 00:29:26.309 --> 00:29:29.990 comes up for me, you know? I keep going to the, 00:29:30.769 --> 00:29:34.970 if I'm uncomfortable, God has my attention. Pain 00:29:34.970 --> 00:29:37.849 is an indicator. It's like, oh, and there's been 00:29:37.849 --> 00:29:40.109 recently some things happen in our little family 00:29:40.109 --> 00:29:43.210 that's made me just a little uncomfortable for 00:29:43.210 --> 00:29:49.259 my family and my need to control or to help or 00:29:49.259 --> 00:29:53.519 rescue jumps in. And it's like, no, I get to 00:29:53.519 --> 00:29:55.440 push pause, I get to put the mirror in front 00:29:55.440 --> 00:29:59.339 of my face, and I get to ask God, where can I 00:29:59.339 --> 00:30:03.160 be of service? And I think, you know, because 00:30:03.160 --> 00:30:06.859 there's, anytime I'm uncomfortable, I know that 00:30:06.859 --> 00:30:08.880 God's at work in my life. No growing in the comfort 00:30:08.880 --> 00:30:10.400 zone, no comfort in the growing zone, which is 00:30:10.400 --> 00:30:13.759 I always say, because some of my greatest growing 00:30:13.759 --> 00:30:17.299 moments was. when I was very, very uncomfortable. 00:30:18.339 --> 00:30:21.420 And so when things get a little uncertain for 00:30:21.420 --> 00:30:25.200 me, I just get to be still, and Crystal and I 00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:27.619 talked about this the other day, go find the 00:30:27.619 --> 00:30:30.420 eye of the storm, go find that calm in the chaos 00:30:30.420 --> 00:30:34.960 and the crazy, and connect and go, okay, God 00:30:34.960 --> 00:30:40.240 has me, He's present, and like you said, I'm 00:30:40.240 --> 00:30:43.700 gonna yoke with Him and let Him drive the forces. 00:30:43.950 --> 00:30:49.569 because it can get messy, so messy if I don't. 00:30:51.329 --> 00:30:56.529 Crystal, final thoughts? I just wish I could 00:30:56.529 --> 00:30:59.150 just listen to you guys this whole time and just 00:30:59.150 --> 00:31:02.430 learn from you all. The final thoughts are, I 00:31:02.430 --> 00:31:05.299 see this in... when I'm working with clients, 00:31:05.339 --> 00:31:07.480 a lot of the time where it's like, okay, I can 00:31:07.480 --> 00:31:10.059 see them just getting in their own way. So much 00:31:10.059 --> 00:31:12.119 of the time. Yeah, so just push pause. So just 00:31:12.119 --> 00:31:14.680 as a reminder, Crystal's working as a therapist 00:31:14.680 --> 00:31:18.799 in a rehab center. Right, right. So it's an amazing 00:31:18.799 --> 00:31:23.440 opportunity to just - For them to learn. To learn 00:31:23.440 --> 00:31:26.960 from them and to, you know. see it in front of 00:31:26.960 --> 00:31:31.240 my face, but so I see, you know, they're in this 00:31:31.240 --> 00:31:33.599 crazy kind of system. They want to get to a new 00:31:33.599 --> 00:31:36.980 system, a healthier system, but they keep kind 00:31:36.980 --> 00:31:39.740 of pulling back into old habits, old ways of 00:31:39.740 --> 00:31:43.680 being. And in order for them to shift and move 00:31:43.680 --> 00:31:46.599 to this new healthier system, they have to be 00:31:46.599 --> 00:31:49.539 open and willing to learn something new and to 00:31:49.539 --> 00:31:51.900 trust that if they just kind of take the steps, 00:31:51.900 --> 00:31:55.119 it will guide them to a better life. But there's 00:31:55.119 --> 00:31:58.640 a lot of fear, right? And so, yeah, I loved being 00:31:58.640 --> 00:32:00.079 able to talk to you the other day about just 00:32:00.079 --> 00:32:02.799 finding, where do you find peace? Because it's 00:32:02.799 --> 00:32:08.539 so much of the balance we have to navigate, right? 00:32:09.069 --> 00:32:12.089 we're going to purposely put ourselves in positions 00:32:12.089 --> 00:32:15.490 to grow and learn and be open, which is going 00:32:15.490 --> 00:32:17.710 to bring a lot of discomfort. But at the same 00:32:17.710 --> 00:32:20.890 time, we have to be able to find that peace from 00:32:20.890 --> 00:32:24.670 God, right? As we move through this, because 00:32:24.670 --> 00:32:27.230 if we don't find the peace, it just is painful 00:32:27.230 --> 00:32:31.190 and we'll retreat most of the time. So, I think, 00:32:31.190 --> 00:32:34.509 you know, I don't want to stay as I am right 00:32:34.509 --> 00:32:38.259 now. I hope that I learn and I grow and I become 00:32:38.259 --> 00:32:40.640 better every day, but in order to do that, I 00:32:40.640 --> 00:32:43.559 have to open myself to something greater than 00:32:43.559 --> 00:32:45.900 me. I have to be able to look at where I'm getting 00:32:45.900 --> 00:32:48.519 in my own way. I have to be able to see my character 00:32:48.519 --> 00:32:52.180 defects. It's just part of the beautiful plan. 00:32:52.700 --> 00:32:55.880 Yeah. Agreed. Exercising those spiritual muscles. 00:32:56.019 --> 00:32:59.220 That's right. Yeah. We exercise our physical 00:32:59.220 --> 00:33:01.259 muscles and we're okay with that pain, but when 00:33:01.259 --> 00:33:03.960 the spirituality or the mental gets uncomfortable, 00:33:04.140 --> 00:33:06.480 we're like. Yeah, what's going on here? This 00:33:06.480 --> 00:33:08.240 is not okay. Yeah, and it's okay to be uncomfortable. 00:33:08.599 --> 00:33:11.420 Yes. It's okay. It is. It's okay. Necessary. 00:33:12.000 --> 00:33:17.019 It's okay. Yeah, I really have grown to love 00:33:17.019 --> 00:33:20.660 this step, you know, because I kind of look at 00:33:20.660 --> 00:33:25.660 it like as a way to keep my desk cleared off, 00:33:25.680 --> 00:33:29.720 so to speak, you know, and when I first got sober, 00:33:29.900 --> 00:33:33.319 you know, there was so much noise and so much... 00:33:33.440 --> 00:33:37.980 internal clutter from all of all of these things, 00:33:38.140 --> 00:33:40.140 you know, all of the hard feelings I had towards 00:33:40.140 --> 00:33:43.079 other people and the fear that drove me and going 00:33:43.079 --> 00:33:46.619 through and working through that, you know, through 00:33:46.619 --> 00:33:50.200 the inventory process has made it where now when 00:33:50.200 --> 00:33:53.900 something pops up, it's very easy to see when 00:33:53.900 --> 00:33:55.980 something is there that needs to be worked on, 00:33:56.140 --> 00:34:01.970 you know, and, and now it, it drives me. to dive 00:34:01.970 --> 00:34:05.470 in to do the work to get rid of that. But this 00:34:05.470 --> 00:34:10.690 is that spot that draws me closer to the Savior 00:34:10.690 --> 00:34:15.010 because I'm able to see myself honestly. And 00:34:15.010 --> 00:34:19.530 I found that being willing to be honest, pray 00:34:19.530 --> 00:34:24.469 honestly out loud has really helped with that. 00:34:24.650 --> 00:34:28.949 And then this is one of those that you can't 00:34:28.949 --> 00:34:31.510 do on your own. And we'll talk about it next 00:34:31.510 --> 00:34:35.389 month, but there has to be getting honest with 00:34:35.389 --> 00:34:38.730 other people, because that's how you truly will 00:34:38.730 --> 00:34:45.150 see yourself more honestly, or see yourself for 00:34:45.150 --> 00:34:47.570 who you really are. Yeah, there's no doubt. Step 00:34:47.570 --> 00:34:50.050 four is really something that was interesting 00:34:50.050 --> 00:34:54.809 for me. I had to remember, I think Deb, you said 00:34:54.809 --> 00:34:56.929 it, that one of the things that was really difficult 00:34:56.929 --> 00:35:00.010 for you is because of because of what other people 00:35:00.010 --> 00:35:04.170 may think of you or whatever. And I really began, 00:35:04.530 --> 00:35:06.989 I think, and I still sometimes do this, is one 00:35:06.989 --> 00:35:09.849 of my constant character defects is sometimes 00:35:09.849 --> 00:35:16.469 requires attention. But I sometimes, I am so 00:35:16.469 --> 00:35:21.090 sometimes concerned about who I am or who I'm 00:35:21.090 --> 00:35:24.429 appearing to be. Step four is not about discovering 00:35:24.429 --> 00:35:28.940 who we are. Step four, we should already have 00:35:28.940 --> 00:35:31.980 that identity in place, right? I already know 00:35:31.980 --> 00:35:34.920 who I am and whose I am because of step one, 00:35:34.920 --> 00:35:38.219 two, and three. I know I'm his. I know that my 00:35:38.219 --> 00:35:43.079 relationship is with him. So what I'm uncovering 00:35:43.079 --> 00:35:47.070 then is that gets in the way. If I'm thinking 00:35:47.070 --> 00:35:49.590 that, that just kind of gets in the way. If I 00:35:49.590 --> 00:35:52.550 think of myself as my identity, as being my fears, 00:35:52.969 --> 00:35:56.070 my resentments, my patterns, et cetera, then 00:35:56.070 --> 00:35:58.510 I never take the time or develop the courage 00:35:58.510 --> 00:36:01.210 to dive in to addressing those things so that 00:36:01.210 --> 00:36:04.789 I can exercise my trust in him by turning them 00:36:04.789 --> 00:36:07.610 to him. Can I just say something really fast? 00:36:07.769 --> 00:36:09.690 I thought it was really impactful when Nick shared 00:36:09.690 --> 00:36:13.789 how he allows that light to come into our hearts, 00:36:13.809 --> 00:36:16.730 because we are light. But I think it's really 00:36:16.730 --> 00:36:19.750 critical for us. Well important for me. I'm gonna 00:36:19.750 --> 00:36:22.469 own my own stuff I think it's important for me 00:36:22.469 --> 00:36:24.949 to remember that I'm the one that blocks that 00:36:24.949 --> 00:36:28.389 light and what are those things? When we take 00:36:28.389 --> 00:36:30.889 a personal inventory, what are those things that 00:36:30.889 --> 00:36:32.750 are blocking the light and that's something we 00:36:32.750 --> 00:36:36.210 can ask out loud and Then stop for a moment and 00:36:36.210 --> 00:36:38.150 listen to that answer like writing that love 00:36:38.150 --> 00:36:43.449 letter. It's I loved that analogy Well, I think 00:36:43.449 --> 00:36:47.730 dub and Nick and crystal we've we've really you 00:36:47.730 --> 00:36:49.690 know, we're ever kind of up against our time 00:36:49.690 --> 00:36:53.030 limit here, I But there's just so much more that 00:36:53.030 --> 00:36:55.730 we could talk about and so much more here There's 00:36:55.730 --> 00:36:58.289 so much more power that can be behind on this, 00:36:58.369 --> 00:37:01.369 you know you The thing is is that we just need 00:37:01.369 --> 00:37:04.869 to remember this. We can all use this. You probably 00:37:04.869 --> 00:37:06.670 don't need to go find something. You already 00:37:06.670 --> 00:37:08.610 know what it is, right? But the question is, 00:37:09.130 --> 00:37:11.969 are you willing to look at it again with him? 00:37:12.070 --> 00:37:14.750 Are you willing to bring him in to take a look 00:37:14.750 --> 00:37:18.489 at whatever it is that may be blocking, I love 00:37:18.489 --> 00:37:20.949 that neck too, that may be blocking the spirit 00:37:20.949 --> 00:37:22.969 of my life. And if God isn't asking you to fix 00:37:22.969 --> 00:37:28.289 it today, he's just inviting you to let him show 00:37:28.289 --> 00:37:31.460 you the truth about it he's just he's just helping 00:37:31.460 --> 00:37:34.820 us he just wants to help me understand what the 00:37:34.820 --> 00:37:37.739 truth is behind these character defects behind 00:37:37.739 --> 00:37:40.179 these fears behind these resentments behind these 00:37:40.179 --> 00:37:42.519 things and how they block me from the spirit 00:37:42.519 --> 00:37:46.059 so you know maybe we could just set up a simple 00:37:46.059 --> 00:37:48.360 invitation for everybody this week maybe just 00:37:48.360 --> 00:37:51.539 take five or ten minutes this week and do a little 00:37:51.539 --> 00:37:56.349 simple personal fearless personal inventory and 00:37:56.349 --> 00:37:59.150 make some discoveries about things that need 00:37:59.150 --> 00:38:02.050 to be healed, need to be transformed, need to 00:38:02.050 --> 00:38:05.389 be converted through the power of Christ's Atonement. 00:38:06.110 --> 00:38:09.889 If we could just ask him one question as we do 00:38:09.889 --> 00:38:12.010 this, I think the important question for us would 00:38:12.010 --> 00:38:15.269 be is to just ask him, Heavenly Father, what 00:38:15.269 --> 00:38:17.989 are you trying to show me about me right now? 00:38:18.769 --> 00:38:21.989 Not to shame you, but to free you. Thanks for 00:38:21.989 --> 00:38:23.409 being with us, everybody. We look forward to 00:38:23.409 --> 00:38:25.409 being with you again next week, and until then, 00:38:25.550 --> 00:38:25.829 be well.