Everybody, welcome out to another episode of
Redeemed Through His Blood. This is Scott Durfey,
as always, and as always, joined by the lovely
Debra Durfey. What's up, Deb? Hello, everyone.
Hi, friends. That was like take three, so she's
grateful that I didn't say all the funny things
I said before. Yes, I am grateful. How are you?
I'm great. It's good to be kind of back and back
at it. We've had kind of a busy, nutty week behind
us. Anyway, good to be talking about important
things We have good friends with us again Nick
and crystal. Hello, Nick. Hey guys. Hello crystal
Hello, so good to have you both back. Guess what
time it is It's that time of month when we get
together and we talk about the corresponding
Step from recovery from the big books of alcoholics
anonymous to the month. So here we are in March
third month We're gonna talk about the third
step So for those of you who missed it, if you'll
go back to our episode in February, you will
find one on step two there as well, among a whole
bunch of other things. I think last week we talked
about gratitude week prior to that. I think we
talked about how sometimes we feel like we're
late to the game and and a bunch of other things
too. So, you know, our purpose here is to through
the lens or the actually the atonement of Jesus
Christ to find hope and help and all the things
that we're looking for and these things really
line up quite well with recovery. Just to give
you a little background here, Nick and I are
both recovering alcoholics. We have the opportunity
to kind of work together in AA. Nick's got several
years of recovery and as do I and it's been kind
of our pleasure to really just kind of spread
the hope that's been so freely given to us and
over the last couple of um well not over the
last couple of weeks because we haven't done
them here but the two steps prior to this one
to prior to step three uh really go hand in hand
and align quite well deb don't they with the
things that we talk about in in our institute
class and the divine gift of forgiveness uh and
in obviously in the podcast any all of the other
things that we talk about because It's really
here that we begin to find, and you've talked
about this so much, a way to establish and begin
to have a, not probably, the most important relationship
we can have, and that's a relationship with deity
through, and covenant relationship, through repentance
or through coming to Him. We as alcoholics and
drug addicts and others in recovery see the 12
steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as kind of steps
that help us come to Him. So, you know, we don't
like to refer to repentance as having steps,
but if there were steps, you know, to repentance,
the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I think
would do quite well. So having said that, you
know, let's just kind of talk about You know
what it is that it means for us to be engaged
in and to be working The third step alcoholics
anonymous Well, I think it's important for those
that are not involved in the 12 steps to go over
the first second and third Steps, what are the
first? What is the second? What is it? And then
now let's just talk about the third. Yeah so
Nick's gonna tell us All right, so step one is
admitting that we're powerless to whatever the
addiction is, you know, alcohol, drugs, porn,
food, whatever it is, you know, in one book,
I've heard that it's power, we're powerless over
our thinking, you know, and, and the second step
is that we came to believe the power greater
than ourselves could restore to sanity. And then
the third step is the decision to turn our will
and our lives over. the care of God as we understand
him and uh you know as you were introducing this
I kind of I always like to think of the the program
of recovery in the 12 steps is the atonement
for dummies yeah I say that all the time yeah
yeah I agree that's that's really where I understood
the atonement of Jesus Christ is in the 12 step
in the rooms of recovery well why do you think
that is dub I think the first thing, and just
because of where I am today, I think the number
one reason is because people get honest, like
brutally, raw, open, honest. I think that is
so critical in order to work through a repentance
process. And when you get open and honest with
people, you can get open and honest with God.
And I think we think we can trick people around
us that they don't really know. even as someone
that lived with an alcoholic and they have a
group called Al -Anon, like we have this thinking,
we're powerless over our thinking, thinking that
we can protect and tell people, you know, hey,
everything's fine. We're great. there's no problem
in our home, everybody has the same, I mean,
it's that kind of stuff. And it wasn't until
I went into those rooms, I mean, I had my own
bout of addiction, but it wasn't until I went
into those rooms to hear somebody else tell my
story that I literally felt free. It's like,
I am not the only one going through this garbage.
And I think that's where, well, I'm not gonna
point a finger, but I think that's where the
spirit really can, can come out and be strong
is in honesty and I think in as a member of the
church I remember now this was back in the day
when I was married to my first husband and and
he was the drug dealer in the neighborhood and
do you I did not feel comfortable going into
relief society and say does anybody know anything
about this and when he came home and said I'm
addicted to cocaine literally the ignorance in
me was yellow pages if any of you know what that
still is but I opened the yellow pages and looked
up cocaine I mean there was just such a ignorance
about the whole understanding of what that was
so to be able to go into a room and know that
I was not alone that somebody else had a similar
issue or problem and not that I need to hear
people's problems but the fact that it was like
I felt safe I, for the first time, felt safe
to puke my truth. And, you know, I think, Nick
and Crystal, you'll agree with this, too, that
sometimes that biggest truth is, is when I get
here, the fear and the crippling feelings that
I have come because I'm absolutely powerless.
Right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. No, I
am. As you were talking, Deb, I was thinking
about, you know, One of the things that I loved,
like absolutely loved and connected with when
I first came in was the big book because I came
in during COVID, you know, so there weren't like
a lot of meetings. They weren't bringing meetings
into treatment centers and stuff. And so I picked
up the big book, not knowing what it was, just
trying to go to sleep, you know, because that
was the only relief I could get. You know, I
was in such a emotional state of hell, you know,
and So when I read the big book, the language
in there just spoke to me, you know, the honesty
in the story in the very beginning, Bill's story
in the very beginning, I was like, whoever wrote
this, like knows exactly how I feel right now.
But then as I read through, I was like, okay,
this sounds a lot like what I heard in church
scriptures that I've read all these things, you
know, and, and I lived and grew up in the church
and like, I couldn't hear what was ever being
said. Like I just, I could not hear the message,
you know, and, and for the first time when I
read through the book, I, I heard for the first
time, you know, and And then I was like, you
know what? The alcoholics got it right and the
church got it wrong. That was my initial thought
when I read the big book, you know, but you understood
it differently. Yes, because I finally was hearing
it. But then, you know, as I've been going through
this, like it just aligns so perfectly, you know,
because the principles in the big book were taken
from Sermon on the Mount, you know, in the New
Testament. And so, yeah, coming in there, knowing
that I was completely screwed. really helped
me to become willing to hear something different.
The cool thing, though, I think, too, is like
you talk about the honesty and I like that when
I walked into the rooms for the first time, the
feeling that I got was same thing like this is
the atonement in action because there is the
honesty, but there's also the safety attached
to it right where nobody's really judging you
for it. They see their story in you and vice
versa. But there's a there's like a series of
steps to take to work it through, to become the
person that you want to become, right? And if
we attach judgment and shame to that, that can
keep us stuck a lot of the time. For sure. And
then you see other people there that have a little
bit more time than you do and you're like, that's
what I want. I mean, I think that's the key that
was really important for me to see is... how
do you have so much peace in the chaos? Do you
know what I mean? So it was, I think it's important
to also share that experience, strength and hope,
AKA testify. But I mean, of what you, where you've
been and how it is now. Cause that gives us hope.
I agree with all of that. You know, for me, The
most important part of coming into this before
I could even begin to turn my will in my life
over to the care of somebody that I thought that
I understood but I really didn't I mean I had
to know for sure that I couldn't that I'm powerless
That I'm fallen, you know, we talked about that
in in in the podcast and we talked about it at
Institute, you know the When we talk about the
pillars of eternity, the first pillar of eternity
is creation. The second pillar of eternity is
the fall of Adam and Eve. And that's it. I mean,
that's the fall of Adam and Eve. That's me walking
into the rooms of recovery or walking into my
own recovery process, whatever that may look
like, but that's the fall. And then step two
that we talked about last month. That's the atonement
of Jesus Christ. That's him. You know, so I can't
I'm totally powerless. And now I come to step
two and I come to know and have a relationship
with this power greater than me, who now I see
him different than I used to see him. You know,
and all those other things. And now here I come.
I'm at step three and I have to make a decision
to turn my will and my life over to the care
of this God. But there's we run into some problems
there. Nick, we run into some problems with this
God, you know, the way I see this God and that
has to be changed. That has to be fixed before
we can even begin this process. Yeah. The beauty
of the 12 steps, I think is that it is a process
of unknowing instead of learning more, you know,
and came to believe in a power greater than ourselves.
I like how that's past tense because when I look
at the action that I was willing to take, it,
you know, strengthened and it came over time,
you know, and then the third step is more of
like a surrender, you know, finally saying, okay,
I don't really know what's out there, but I'm
going to be willing to take some actions that
I didn't come up with that these other people
in the rooms are suggesting that I do and for
you know in my case I was like you know what
I'm so screwed I got nothing to lose. Well and
my best thinking got me in this chair. That's
why I'm in these rooms, I'm broken. And that's
the piece that I've always said when I'm in a
room of recovery, nobody came in here skipping.
It's not a joyful place to enter. We all have
that brokenness, that fall. The fallenness, and
again, this is where we begin to recognize our
own fallenness. And until we do that, we can't
even begin to get on the... the path to happy
destiny, right? We just can't even begin to trudge
the path to happy destiny until we recognize
our own fallenness. Because without our own fallenness,
without our own brokenness, you can call it whatever
you want. But without that, we don't have a need
for this power greater than ourselves. Because
if I'm all I need, then I'm all I need, right?
So I mean, This really becomes then the turning
point. Step three really becomes the turning
point to the process of us in a religious term,
we can say in the process of putting on Christ's
atonement. In recovery, term, we can say this
is where the process begins of me putting on
recovery, of me actually putting the steps to
work in my life so that I can have this spiritual
awakening, so that I can have the result of the
steps, which is a spiritual awakening in my life
and have all these things at work. So how do
we do it? This part, I will be honest, I struggle
so much with this. I bring this up every single
time. I struggle trusting God sometimes. Okay,
I am so glad that Crystal is saying this. The
most faithful one. Because we needed one of us
to have that. No, I'm just kidding. Because Crystal,
I think you're saying probably at least we have
all at one point thought and sometimes still
maybe do. I'm speaking for myself because that's
definitely the case for me. Yeah, it's easier
to follow God when things are going well and
I'm like, okay, great. I'll trust this plan.
I'll open myself up to God. Then when things
are more challenging for me and I'm like, I don't
understand. It's hard for me to open up. What
I notice about myself is I'm like, well, I'll
work harder. I'll learn more. I'll do more. I'll
be more. The hat of perfection. Totally. And
then all of a sudden I'm drowning in this. you
know, weight of trying to do it all on my own.
And then I get to the point, you know, the scriptures
talk about being compelled versus just doing
the action on your own. I feel like sometimes
I'm compelled where it's like, I can't do it
anymore. And the cool thing about the fall is,
like, when I think about the fall, there was
this moment where they had a decision to make.
Do I stay in this perfect little space and not
have to worry? Or do I step into the unknown?
And there's going to be some pain there, but
there's also going to be growth. There's going
to be everything I want on the other side of
that. And so then you start to open yourself
up to God and you start to just say, I need help.
I don't know how to do this. And that's where
faith really starts to come in because you're
stepping into the unknown, trusting that there's
going to be a floor there underneath you and
not really knowing. But it's a very scary step
to take. I see Nick do this all the time and
I'm I'm always like, how do you? do that, which
he gives me the confidence to then do it in my
own life, you know? Well, I look at the different
step three experiences that I've had. And what
comes to mind is, so when I first got sober back
in 2020, I got out of residential treatment.
I had a lot of legal issues and I had, I think
I had like 17 charges. And some of them carried
up to like 15 years in prison. And, uh, yeah.
Well, um, and so I remember just while I was
in there, you know, I found the big book, like
I talked about, and I really dove into the steps,
you know, there was a therapist in there who
was in recovery and she got me right into the
work. And so I remember like thinking like, okay,
should I go out? Should I? You know hire an attorney
should I go fight this and I kept getting this
overwhelming feeling of like no focus in on your
recovery and Let me take like let me let me show
you what I can do You know when I was working
on step three at the time to hear God pretty
early. I did no I I learned yeah. Yeah, I learned
how to I don't know I I felt like ever since
I got sober. There's been something really strong
and loud guiding me So I remember I just dove
into this step three packet and into meetings
and into recovery and was just like, okay, I'm
just going to surrender this. And I remember
the day that I had to go to court came up and
I was like, holy crap. Like I am in so much trouble.
I've just naively convinced myself that God's
going to take care of this. And you know, I'm
focusing on these things that have nothing to
do with what I perceived is the problem So I
go to court I'm freaking out and I'm like, I'm
I'm screwed like I don't know if they're gonna
haul me off I don't know what they're gonna do
and Like 30 minutes before it's my time the the
prosecuting attorney comes over Offers me a deal
for like two misdemeanors. No fines. No probation.
No, like it literally like disappeared the whole
thing just disappeared and I was like, Oh my
gosh, this God stuff like actually works. Holy
cow. I'm going to, you know, and, and, uh, that's
a big one. It was, but it really, um, helped
my foundation at the time because it really,
it taught me a really important principle of
okay I'm going to get up you know because I was
getting up and I was in the sober living and
you know there's like 16 people living in this
house and I would wake up before everybody else
at like 5 30 in the morning and I would read
from the big book in the 12 and 12 and then I
would start working on my step work because I
was like I like this is all I can do to try to
make my life better right now you know and so
I kind of think of it like the loaves and fishes.
I'm taking to God what I can do and I'm just
going, this other huge disaster that's out here,
you take care of that and I'm going to do what
I can over here. And I'm just going to have faith
and trust. And it's a pattern that I've learned
to implement because... Scott walked with me
through this whole thing of, you know, trying
to put the family back together. You know, what
we would always talk about is like, okay, don't
get hung up on an outcome, you know, because
I would just always tell him like, hey, I don't
think this is actually going to work. But like,
I'm going to take these actions that I feel guided
to do. And whatever happens happens. We're not
in the outcome business, are we? But But that's
a problem for most of us because because we try
to be you know I tried to be in the outcome business
You know Deb Deb made a comment just a minute
ago About Nick Nick you found God early and you
learned to trust him early I did and that's a
gift. That's a gift. I had a similar experience
mine happened on the Mexican border in San Ysidro
California And I was arrested and I was facing
some I'm not going to get into it all, but I
was facing some pretty ugly stuff. The guy who
had arrested me was going back and forth. They
were playing good cop, bad cop, you know how
they do that. While he was gone, I made a deal
with God. I'm like, you get me out of this and
I'll go back to church and I'll quit doing this
and I'll start doing that and everything else.
And I started checking boxes with God. Pretty
soon this guy, his name was Vince, he became
a pretty important guy to me later, but he came
in and he said, okay, here's what we're going
to do and laid it out and I was able to watch.
I wasn't going to end up doing any prison time
if I was able to, you know, achieve all the things
that I had agreed to achieve as well. But I remember
distinctly, here's where your experience and
my experience differs. I remember distinctly
walking away from that holding cell after being
there for several hours, walking back to the
car that I had driven up in and thinking to myself,
I'm sure glad I got myself out of that one. Yeah,
I... You know, I think back on my experience
and I really have to credit my dad, you know
with The thing that like really has changed my
life because he Modeled for me growing up the
importance of dailies. He did it. Yeah, he got
up early every day and Spent talked about that.
Yeah, and so I had always seen that and I'd always
pretended like I would you know wanted to do
that or whatever and and you know never really
had any desire to do that, but When I found the
big book and for how miserable I was and that
was the only piece that it brought me it was
like okay Like I can do this, you know, and so
I think that there's something about putting
in some consistent effort to connect and Like
I don't know where that kind of intuitive sense
came from in me, but it's something that I feel
strongly, and I had a lot of really powerful
experiences early on. helped me there. I think
that's important and Devin Crystal I want to
hear you weigh in on this you know because our
relationship with God is so dependent on who
on our experiences with him you know and if in
in step three we're going to eventually turn
our will we're just making a decision to do it
you know I heard in a meeting you missed the
meeting the other day you were at a oh don't
be calling you were at a funeral I was yeah,
he was at a funeral our friend His father passed
away and because Nick silver today gets to show
up for important things like that It's it was
really cool. But one of the things it's they
talked about somebody talked about in the meeting
our friend Mike You know, we're talking about
the steps and how the answer to step one is step
two The answer to step two is step three. The
answer to step three is step four Actually, the
answer to step three is steps four through twelve
Because, you know, this is when we make a decision
to turn our will and our life over to the care
of God, we're just making the decision. The action
part of that process now becomes step four, take
a personal inventory, step five, share it, and
on and on it goes. And that's how we enter into
this relationship with higher power, with God,
through Jesus, so that we can have the blessings
that we're talking about available to us in our
lives. So, having said that, how is it different?
I mean, how do we come differently? You know,
when I first came to AA, I had this concept of
God. Now, I had been raised in a wonderful family,
and we did family night, and we did scripture
study, and I went on a mission, and all of these
other things, but my perception of God was one
of that God was kind of like a cop. Like he was
always just trying to find me doing something
wrong to indict me so that I could for some weird
reason pay a punishment. And that's how I saw
God. And so when I came to AA, this concept of
a God who loves me, who understands me, who whatever,
all of that in my mind was conditional. It was
conditional on how I was behaving. And so this
was a really difficult one for me to be able
to have enough faith in or know him well enough
that I would be able to turn my will and my life
over to him. I don't know, what were you guys'
experience? Well, when I'm hearing you guys talk
about your experience, when Nick was talking,
I was thinking, yeah, but even if you did go
to jail, let's say you did go to jail or prison,
right? True, yeah. You would have still continued
to trust God. I think, right? Like the outcomes
are not always the ones that we want. Just because
we're doing the steps doesn't necessarily mean
that, you know, we don't go to prison or we don't
go to jail or everything, the families come back
together and all of that, right? I think the
cool thing that I've, and maybe I don't understand
it right, but the thing that I've learned is
you control the inputs, you don't control the
outcomes, but if you do the inputs, you change.
you become the person that God wants you to be.
You become the person that is capable of holding
and having the beautiful life that you want.
I think for me, it was like Crystal shared earlier,
in the challenging times, it's like white knuckle
time. It's like crying out. It's like, God, I
need you. I am powerless in this situation. I
have no idea what to do. And I think step one,
two, and three, I call it the dance, the one,
two, three, one, two, three, because I think
we have to do it every day. I really think for
me, I have to make a conscious choice to ask
God to be my God for the Savior, to be my Redeemer
and to save me every single day because I have
this, I trust, but I really do. And it must be
a big, but cause I have this, I mean, every once
in a while I go in this fear and I want it. I'm
like, No, I, you are my God and I am your daughter.
You are my God and I am your daughter. And I
literally, I'll put my hand on my stomach and
my chest every morning before I even get out
of bed. And I said, you are my God and I am your
daughter. And I just, it literally is a daily
choice for me. That's how fast I can turn the
corner and throw my butt in there. It's like,
I trust you butt. It's like, it's a good reminder
for me. to do my inputs and get out of the outcome
business. I think this is part of the reason
that we drank is because I was in the outcome
business. You know, for me, if certain outcomes
weren't happening, then my life was not acceptable
to me and I needed to change the way I felt about
things. And so this is one of the reasons that
I drank is because the outcomes were out of my
control, beyond my control. And as soon as I
could find a loving Heavenly Father, a loving
God, who I really did believe that, you know,
of course, he's in the outcome business. The
cop God? Yeah, Noel, no, the good outcome business.
I believe that he is in the outcome, but he's
the only one who is. And I also believe that,
As long as my will is aligned with his, as long
as I try to do the things that he wants me to
do, which specifically is to carry a message
and to help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety
and to just treat his children the way that he
would treat them. I think that when I do that
and I'm aligned, then I really begin to enter
into this relationship with this higher power.
And it's much easier for me now to begin to do
steps four through 12. to take a look at myself.
I'm not as afraid to take a look at myself. My
own character defects, I see them as for what
they are and an opportunity to become more like
him through his son. And for me, that's really
putting on recovery. It's really putting on the
atonement of Jesus Christ. I agree with that,
you know, and I like that. And I really love
what you were saying, Crystal, about we control
the inputs and God controls the outcomes. And
when I think about step three, when I first took
step three, I had so much garbage inside of me,
fear, resentments, unfinished business that needed
to be cleaned up in the past that I felt that
I was still pretty blocked. And it wasn't until
I went through and started doing that other work
where I started to really feel at peace with
myself. It wasn't that I knew God was there,
I knew God loved me, but it was also kind of
like, well, there's actions that you have to
take to make things right in the world around
you and to acknowledge what's going on inside
of you. And so today, the step three looks a
lot different than it did when I first got sober.
Today, I love kind of the imagery that's used
in the... the big book where it talks about we're
in the world to play the role that God assigns.
So it's like, okay, you know, God, I'm surrendering
my will to you today. Like, what are the roles
that you've assigned to me today? Father, husband,
you know, employee, friend, you know, and kind
of looking at the different roles that I have
to play. And it's like, all right, I'm going
to get out there and I'm just going to move my
feet and I'm going to do the best that I can.
And you, you know, and just point me where you
want me to go. Do you ever question, like when
you're out there in the world, do you ever just
go, am I on the right path? Do you ever ask that?
Because I do. That's why I'm asking. Sometimes
I do, but a lot of times I can really feel it.
It's kind of like internally, it's like, oh wow,
I can really tell that I'm out of alignment here.
you know, and some days it's just get me home,
get me to bed, let me have a hard reset, start
again tomorrow, you know, and get this day over
with and tomorrow. Cause I was like, I think
I need to, I need your God. That's going to talk
louder to me sometimes. I think my God just whispers
to me and I'm like, what, what, what? Well, a
lot of it is more, I'm just going to, I pray
and surrender in the morning and I'm saying you
guide my feet. Like, here's where what's what
I can see, and I'm just going to do this. And
if you need other people brought into my life
or whatever, bring them in. You know, and it's
crazy what happens because a lot of times nothing,
you know, it's nothing out of the ordinary. So
it's looking more at the people who are around
me. It's like, OK, how can I help lift them?
How can I serve my family? How can I, you know,
what little things can I do? And some days the
best that I have is like Don't kill my kids.
Don't yell at my co -workers. Don't. And that's
the best I've got that day. For sure, for sure.
And it's maddening sometimes when I'm like, what's
the plan, Nick? You know, like, what are we doing
about this? And he's like, I'm just taking it
one day at a time. And I'm like, what do you
mean? You're taking it one day at a time. We
gotta plan this out. We gotta plan it out, right?
But it works. And I'm like, OK, I'm learning
to trust that process. Crystal, I still struggle
with that. I'm sober 27 years and I'm still struggling
with, yeah, but I gotta have a plan, right? I
wanna be in the outcome. How else will I know
if I'm successful? Exactly, exactly. And that
goes so much to our sense of self -worth, right?
If I'm not in alignment with what the world tells
me I should be doing at this time. then it's
hard to hold onto our sense of self and our dignity,
you know, if we're looking at it the world's
way. I want to make an important observation
here, I think. This is out of the Big Book of
Alcoholics Anonymous. This is on page 60. In
fact, it's right after we get done reading about
how it works. And this is how it goes. It says,
being convinced we were at step three, which
is that we decided to turn our will and our life
over to the care of God as we understood him.
Just what do we mean by that and just what do
we do? The first requirement is that we be convinced
that any life run on self -will can hardly be
a success. Any life run on self -will can hardly
be a success. On that basis, we were almost always
in collision with something or somebody, even
though our motives are good. Most people try
to live by self -propulsion. Each person is like
an actor, this is where you were talking about,
Nick, who wants to run the whole show, is forever
trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the
scenery, the rest of the players on his own.
If his arrangements would only stay put, if only
people would do as he wished, the show would
be great, and on and on it goes. Who among us
hasn't tried to be the director of the play?
For most of my life. All my life, yeah. And still...
I still try it. Exactly. And I still sometimes
try it. The director of my life and the director
of my children's life and the director of my
husband's life. and the director of the life,
the guy that got in front of me, and everybody
else who creates any kind of disturbance in my
little microcosm of a really important life here,
you know, that's my problem. So it's self -will.
You know, I mean we we read on and in those you
know within those a few pages of that and what
we really find out is that we Are really dealing
with self will run riot The thing that keeps
us from really entering into a relationship with
step three Which again is to just make a decision
to turn my will over to him The thing that really
stops me from doing that is self will The Book
of Mormon, that's the big, big book. The big
book says a thousand forms of self -deception.
I fooled myself a thousand different ways to
think that I was the guy running the show. I'm
the most important part. But then I find, and
we always find, that as soon as I'm able to remove
myself from being the issue and seeing him as
the issue, I can't. That's step one. I'm broken.
I can't. I'm powerless. There's just nothing
I can do. Step two, he can. I begin now to have
a relationship with him. Step three, I think
I'm gonna let him. And I'm just now making the
decision to do that. But I can only do that when
I get my self -will out of the way. I think,
for me, the word agency comes in. You know the
only thing that we really have truly that we
possess is our our agency. That is the one thing
that God will not cross over. He will not remove
our agency. We always have the opportunity to
choose. We don't have control over our lives.
We don't have control over our family. We don't
have control over. I mean, and we take nothing
with us. We, we come here on borrowed time in
a borrowed place. We're here temporarily and
we leave, but the one thing we do possess is
our agency. And every single day, I mean, in
that step one, two, and three, when we decide
to turn our will in our lives, that willingness
is saying, I'm giving you the only thing I possess,
which is my agency. I am giving you. the only
thing I have, and I'm going to trust that you're
going to put everything into place, that you're
going to clear my path, that you're going to
clear my past, my past, present, and future.
And I think staying in that right now is the
only thing we have control over. But I think
the important thing for me to remember is I still
have agency right here, right now. It's like
I have to push a reset button every once in a
while I mean when my day goes south and I'm like,
oh my gosh, I cannot believe I'm here I am so
derailed and it's like I and we've talked about
this before Just I'm gonna start my day over.
I realize it's seven o 'clock at night, but I
am starting it over and because of him There
is a reset button. Yeah, it's only available
because of him. Yeah Agency was a big thing that
just came up with that willingness I think too,
like there's, I love the analogy of, like you
know you grow something, right? You put the effort
into growing a seed, but there's only so much
you can do. At some point you have to step away
and let the seed grow, right? At some point you
have to let God kind of infuse something into
the mix. You can't do it all no matter how much
you want to. I love that. It is up to him. And
I think, Crystal, I think to the degree that
we see that is to the same degree that we will
eventually, you talk about the serenity prayer,
eventually we will have serenity. Maybe not eventually,
maybe immediately. That has been my experience
from time to time. I think that when we're talking
about the third step, there's really a few things
that we have to be cognizant of. One is that
any type of self -will interferes me with the
ability to turn my will and my life over to the
care of God as I understand him. Any kind of
selfishness, any kind of self -centeredness,
and that's another thing that we as humans, I
was gonna say as alcoholics and drug addicts,
but it's common to everybody that we really sometimes
get into the lock of what's best for me, and
we're just constantly thinking about ourselves,
and sometimes, and I've even done this fairly
recently probably, where I counsel God. I take
the solution to him sometimes, especially when
it comes to turning my. kids over to him or certain
situations over to him or whatever. I have in
my mind sometimes still that this is the way
God wants it to look. And so it's my job to make
it that way. And it's difficult for me to do
that. It's impossible for me to do that. And
when I begin to try to do that, I really open
myself up to anxiety, even some depression sometimes
or whatever. Because I'm trying to get in the
way. Self -will is the thing that will really
jump between us in that relationship with God.
And it's important for us to understand that.
I remember a few years ago, I'll try not to get
into too much detail because I don't want to
embarrass anybody, but somebody that I loved
dearly got in a lot of trouble. And I really
wanted to do a lot of things to rescue and help,
and there was only so much I could do, and I
did what I could do, but I was obsessing over
trying to do more, and I just couldn't. There
was just no more that I could do, and I really
realized that I needed to turn my will and my
life, my entire life over to the care of God.
in that moment. And I remembered, and this has
been so important to me, I do this on a pretty
regular basis, there's a prayer in the big book,
it's on page 63, it's actually the third step
prayer. And this is what it says, and I encourage
you, our listeners and all of us, that anytime
we're in a situation where I just need to be
reminded that God's in charge, if I can say something
along these lines, it's helpful for me. God,
I offer myself to thee. to build with me and
do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage
of self, that I may better do thy will. Take
away my difficulties, that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help of thy
power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do
thy will always. I think that, you know, that
pretty much encapsulates the way that I want
to see my relationship with him is just turning
it completely there. I really loved the third
step prayer. It has played a really critical
role in my recovery because in the beginning,
I couldn't pray in the traditional sense. I was
right there with you. But I could say this prayer.
And so I took the these and the thou's out of
it and kind of reworded it to God, I offer myself
to you to build with me and to do with me as
you will. And I love how it's relieved me of
the bondage of self. Cause that's the thing that's
really cutting me off from God is cause I worship
my own thoughts, feelings and emotions like that
is my God. So can we pause right there for just
a second? Give me some examples of what that
might look like. You don't have to tell us about
you personally, but what might that look like
in somebody? Or what might that look like for
some of our listeners? I mean, maybe not even
something specific to you, but what is something
that we see, how do we see that manifest? So
I guess one of the easiest things that I see,
the quickest with guys that I sponsor with this
is, all right. When you first get sober, any
free night that you have, I want you at a meeting.
I want you doing 90 and 90. I want you training
your feet. Become willing to do something that
you don't want to do. The thing that I hear the
most is like, well, I don't. I don't think that
that's necessary and I don't really feel like
it and I worked a long day and I just want to
kick back in front of the TV and I'm, you know,
basically it's, I'm choosing comfort over doing
something that's inconvenient that might bring
God into my life. That's the thing that I, you
know, I kind of equate it with taking action
outside of myself. And that's the thing that
comes to mind, especially with guys in recovery
that I work with. Yeah, I love that. I love that,
because this is important. This is like where,
okay, this is all great, but how do I put it
to work in my own life? And I think that you've
answered that, Nick. The other part that I love
about this prayer is that take away my difficulties,
not to make my life easier, but... that victory
over them will bear witness to those I would
help of your power. So basically I'm an agent
for God. And it says that there, he's the principal,
we're the agent. He's the employer, we're the
employee. He's the father, we're the son. So
everything that we're doing is to manifest his
power and to show it to others. Because what
it says here in step four is that we allow God
to demonstrate through us what he can do. You
know, and that's what that is showing me. And
especially, you know, when you get in to the
ninth step, you know, you really start to see
God manifesting in your life and people around
you, especially in the rooms of recovery, you
know, see a lot of miracles happen. Well, and
I think anytime it's easy for me to see it past,
but anytime I have been in that space of surrender,
and turn my will and my life over. He works miracles.
Like I know, and I think that's why I have the
faith today is because what he has done for me
in the past. And I've always used this example.
I remember divorcing my first husband, leaving
the house, gave it to him like thinking I will
never own a home again, ever. And it's okay.
And I, it's like, The life that I have today
is far exceeds anything I ever imagined ever
thought about. I mean, and I think that's the
piece that that I just I have to hold on to and
just hold near to my heart as he's there. He's
present. He's been there in the past. He's there
today. He'll be there tomorrow as long as my
will aligns with his. And I think that's such
a great prayer to help me get out of the way.
I love that. I do too. I remember being in Manhattan
and walking out of an event that I was speaking
at. I wasn't speaking at the time, obviously,
but I was being so consumed with this problem
that was happening in somebody's life that I
loved, you know? And the only thing I could do
was to think to say that prayer. I was like you,
Nick. I mean, I had been sober many years at
this point. But I was just so crippled with my
own will, what I thought things should look like,
and they weren't looking like that. And so I
had to go to that prayer again then, too. I love
that. And I love that you said that. Our friend
Dennis in recovery, I heard him read this third
step prayer one time, and he read it like that.
Victory over our troubles, why? That they might
show. his power, you know, and I just love that
because that's exactly what they do. Well, I
think as we just kind of wrap everything up,
there's just a couple of things that we probably
ought to just point out as recap one. The first
one is, is that, you know, step three is a decision.
It's just a decision. The action follows the
decision, but the decision has to be made based
on our steps one and two. The fact that I can't,
there's nothing about me that I can't. I was
listening to a speaker tape, an A speaker tape
today. It was one of Sandy B's. There I go blowing
anonymity again. But it was one of Sandy B's.
And he talked about how I can't quit drinking.
Well, yeah. I can't quit drinking, that's good
news. I can't quit this. Well yeah, that's good
news, you can't quit. You can't stop, you can't
this, you can't that because you never were intended
to be the issue, God is. God is the issue here.
and and of course I can't and of course I need
his help and of course I have to turn my will
over to him and To the extent I do I invite peace
into my life So I think that's important for
me to remember and and I love the way that this
ties into you know We talked about King Benjamin
and and so many others in the Book of Mormon,
but I love so much This part of King Benjamin's
speech. He says for the natural man This is in
Mosiah 3 19 is an enemy to God and has been from
the fall of Adam and will be forever and ever
unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy
Spirit and put if off the natural man and becomeeth
a saint through the atonement of Jesus Christ
the Lord. We just talked about that. I mean,
that's steps one, two, three. I can't, he can,
I'm gonna let him. How am I gonna let him do
that? By establishing a relationship with him
through his son that will allow me to come to
him. I think that just as you were talking there,
like for me, I know that step three is a decision,
but I personally have found that I always have
to follow it up with action. That for me to at
least feel at peace, like I'm doing what I can,
even though most of the time my action is completely
unrelated to whatever. Issue I may have at hand
like I I have to get into action and the action
You know has to be outside of myself just doing
the next right thing Yeah, and for me that is
how I can like take it one day at a time right
if i'm trying to just Think to myself i'm just
gonna let god take care of my whole life That
feels really big to me if I can just say I just
surrender today It's much easier for me to just
make that day the best day I can and surrender
to God. I love that. I've actually I've actually
had to do that multiple times in a day sometimes.
So yeah, I love that. Well, for me, I think talking
about the fall, we we encourage our Institute
kids to to literally get on your knees and thank
Heavenly Father for the fall, because that's
where we get to learn. We get to learn in our
mess. We get to learn when we when we transgress.
And then that's when the lesson is learned. That's
when we have that reliance on our Savior to save
us. That's where we need Him. That's where we
turn our will and our life over to Him. And that
was life -changing for me when I was like, the
fall is part of the plan. That's the pillar of
eternity. So for me, it's like, just be grateful
for the fall. When I, when I make a choice that
probably isn't the best, go into, you know, autocorrect,
go into, go face him, go back to him, reset,
you know, find him. So it's, it's also in the
gratitude for the journey. For me, it's about
recognizing that I need him. I can't knowing
that he can and believing that he will. and then
turning my life over to Him as I trust Him and
as I know Him. And that's not always easy. It's
really difficult sometimes, especially when I
again slip back into the outcome business. But
whenever I'm facing any kind of difficulty when
it comes to turning my will and my life over
to Him, it's simply because I have let self -will
again run riot in my own life. So, you know,
I guess our invitation to our listeners, to each
of you would be, you know, maybe just do a little
self inventory and ask yourself, where am I still
trying to run the show? Where am I trying to
be in control? Where am I trying to control the
outcomes of people, places, things, et cetera?
Because I think that when we recognize it, it
gives us an opportunity to be different. It gives
us an opportunity to enter into that relationship
with him that we talk about so much on here.
Next month, we'll talk about step four. Step
four is we begin to take a fearless and searching
moral inventory of ourselves. A lot to talk about
there. So in the meantime, we'll have a couple
of other. episodes between now and then again
talking about Christ at home and everything else.
We love you. Thanks for being with us. Thanks
for being with us, everybody. We look forward
to being with you again next weekend. Until then,
be well.