You know, Scott, I've been thinking a lot lately
about how quickly my focus gets derailed and
drifts, especially from the things we've talked
about and having a relationship with Jesus Christ.
And, you know, when I get derailed and I start
focusing on other things, it feels heavy and
it feels like I'm derailed. Things don't go the
way I expect him to do I notice it's easy to
kind of turn inward and I almost feeling like
a little insecure and feeling a little self -conscious
and I start looking around and You know worshiping
that God of what other people think Wow, yeah,
what's bringing this up? Well, you know we've
I've had a lot of We we've had a lot of funerals
lately. Yeah, the other one today. Yeah, and,
you know... people I work with have been going
to a lot of funerals. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't
know that. Yeah. I have an employee whose uncle
was killed, an employee whose dad died. And so
anyway, I've been thinking about that a lot and
just thinking about what are people going to
say at my funeral? Why am I thinking about that?
I have no idea. Probably because I've been to
funerals. You know, I think about that. When
I when I go to somebody's funeral, I always it's
probably just a Don't know maybe everybody thinks
this way I hope they do because it feels kind
of self -centered But I always sit there and
and I don't know if I'm fantasizing or what but
I'm wondering What will people say? What will
Trevor say? What will Jessica say? What will
the you know, what each of the kids? What will
they say? You know not that they're all gonna
speak at my funeral per se but you know Yeah,
it's just it's just interesting how much I get
derailed literally, yeah on worshipping what
the God of what other people think of me right
like and it and I have to like it anyway it it
derails me it's probably that I focus on it and
then I'm like why is this all of a sudden so
important to me you know why am I is this wrong
why am I why am I focusing on this so much but
I don't I think it means that we're human I mean,
and living in a fallen world, I feel like, you
know, I mean, New Year's resolutions and trying
to do things right, I, you know, whoops, I did
it again. I got derailed. Whether it's physically,
mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, you know,
we're going to get derailed. And I think, I think
it's important. I mean, last week, we talked
about weariness and silence and how we feel when
our relationship is distant from Christ. And
so I've kind of had that on my forefront. And
then I'm like, derailed. Like I'm not thinking
about Christ and what he thinks of me. I'm thinking
about what's gonna be spoken at my funeral. How
come my life isn't in alignment? Like this person's
life is perfect or the illusion of perfect and
I get that, you know, comparison is the thief
of joy. But my word, it has been in my face.
You know, today's funeral. I have those same
experiences, right? I have the same fantasy when
I go to a funeral. And if I'm sitting there and
there's somebody who I've really looked up to,
and it usually is, you know, and wonderful things
are always said about people. Nobody ever says
the bad things. But wonderful things are always
said at funerals about these people. And I think,
oh, I hope somebody can say that about me someday.
Oh, I hope that... Somebody can say, you know,
and I'm gonna just be honest, you know, there's
times when I thought, I wonder if they'll talk
about me in my career. I wonder if they'll talk
about me in all of my church service. I wonder
if they'll talk about my recovery and how, you
know what I mean? And it all, and it starts turning
inward. You use that word inward, it starts turning
inward. But I said, today's funeral was different
than that for me. This was for a woman, one of
our brothers -in -law, a wonderful, wonderful
lady. And it wasn't like that. At this funeral,
everything that was brought up was in comparing
her to an attribute of the Savior. And I got
thinking at the end, nobody talked about making
a lot of money, nobody talked about all these
wonderful achievements, nobody talked about this
grandiose life that somebody had lived, but maybe
the most grandiose of all, in a quiet, quiet
way, because I don't know how many times I had
the impression she was really a disciple of Jesus
Christ. Well, that was spoken. It changed, at
least in that moment, and still it remains in
this moment, and I'm sure it will drift for me
too, but in this moment now, I hope that at my
funeral that I can be identified as a disciple
of Jesus Christ. Nothing else mattered. Nothing
else mattered. It was really cool. But I'm with
you. It was interesting how derailed I got, because
when they were talking about what their grandkids
are going to say, I'm like, they're going to
say the crazy things I do. They're going to tell
on me. They're going to teach them or they're
going to talk about the crazy songs I teach them
or something. Well, that's that's every bit as
endearing. And, you know, it is. And I bet you
know, the point that you make about our spirit
kind of a spiritual drift, right? How we how
we have these feelings. And then all of a sudden,
you know, we come off of potentially, you know,
a plateau of the holidays. Maybe we've had some
wonderful spiritual experiences. Maybe not. But
but sometimes Sometimes we just get to have that
flatness. And I think that what's happening here
is the idea of attention. I think that it's our
attention and where we place it that really matters.
Yeah, true. And sometimes if I hyper -focus on
it, why am I not feeling the spirit? Why am I
not getting emotionally touched by this song?
I hyper -focus on it to the point that it, again,
derails me. And it's like, okay, take a deep
breath. It's okay. You know, and then I start
questioning. Maybe it's my scripture studies
light is not strong enough. Maybe I'm not praying
enough or more fervently or maybe, you know,
why does this feel harder for me sometimes than
others? Well, yeah, I think that that's, uh,
I think that's common. It is common. You know,
you're not the only one. We're not the only ones.
I'm not the only one either that feels that way.
And I sometimes do, too. You know, we go through
that and we know why we go through that. We go
through it because we have we are experiencing
the effects of the fall of Adam and Eve. Right.
Right. And I think I think it is intensified
in today's world with social media. Oh, I mean,
I think it is so intensified because it's like
you know, I love to get on there and see what
my friends and my family are up to. And, and
I see people's lifestyles that are just far superior
than what I could even imagine. And then I'm
like, well, how come they got that? And I didn't,
I live righteously. And then I go into that comparison
again. And again, I know for a fact that comparison
is the thief of joy. And if I focus on it, I'm
gonna keep feeling that lack, and I'm gonna keep
feeling less than, and I'm gonna keep feeling
like I don't measure up, or feeling like I don't
belong here, or whatever. And when I really push
pause, and I really focus on it, I'm like. Deb,
what the crap are you doing? Like, where are
these questions coming from? Like, what? Well,
and I told you, before we even started this recording,
I said, I'm gonna get really vulnerable, because
these are really feeling. That's not what you
said. What did I say? You said, I'm not sure
how vulnerable I'm willing to get tonight. There
you go. Well, here I am, getting vulnerable,
telling on myself. So, yeah. But, you know, and
I'm grateful that you are. and so are our listeners,
because you know, this is something Deb that
is common. This is not something that we just
experience in a vacuum. It's not your own experience.
I mean, your experience is your own experience,
but you don't own it. I mean, everybody has similar
experiences. We just do, because it's part of,
again, the effects of the fall. We're cut off
spiritually. from our Heavenly Father, and because
of that, because of the veil, we need to be reminded
through conscious contact with our Heavenly Father
of who we are, whose we are, and all those other
things, right? Well, and I think the other thing
is my focus becomes more on me. Yeah, it turns
more on him. That's the point, right? It's like,
OK, where where's my relationship? You know,
and when I focus on me. I know that I'm in my
control freak mode. It's like, I want to control
people around me. I want to control the circumstance
and the situation. And I want to, I want to be
in the driver's seat, even though I know I don't
want to be in the driver's seat. Saying that
out loud makes me sound insane. I know it's bananas,
but it's like, I have to give myself some mercy.
I really do. I have to go, you know what, Deb?
It doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. And
I know I'm not alone here. That's 100 % right.
And we've got to remember, and I hadn't planned
to do this, so I'm throwing a curve ball at you,
Deb, but in Luke chapter 10. I'm gonna start
in verse 39. Now this is Mary and Martha. This
is my favorite. I love it too. Love it. I was
thinking, we talked about this last podcast,
but we didn't do it. I taught it in Gospel Doctrine
the week prior. Oh, we've talked about it before,
because I love this scripture. Right, but this
is Mary and Martha, obviously very close friends
of Jesus, sisters, to Lazarus. who he had raised
from the dead. And she had a sister called Mary,
meaning Martha, which also sat at Jesus' feet
and heard his word. So Mary was sitting at his
feet and hearing his word. Right. Which is such
so much there. There's so much doctrine, so much
invitation being extended to each of us right
there. This is one. Remember a few weeks ago
when we talked about the cross and the vertical
beam and the and the the horizontal beam rather
and the vertical post and the relationship there
and how sometimes we get stuck in the horizontal.
That's what that that's what you're talking about.
Right. The inwardness. And that's what Martha,
you know, was doing. Mary was focused on the
vertical, the relationship with Jesus, but Martha
was covered about much, serving, and came to
him and said, Lord, does this not care that my
sister hath left me to serve alone? Bid her therefore
that she should help me. And Jesus answered and
said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful
and troubled about many things. But one thing
is needful and Mary hath chosen that good part
which shall not be taken from her You know in
my scriptures I crossed out Martha Martha and
wrote Deborah Deborah. Did you I really did?
because I can so relate to that. That busyness
and that control and listen, I'm trying to get
stuff done. But that can show up in other ways
besides busyness and control. That's my point,
you know. That inward looking is busyness, for
sure, sometimes. It can be control, sometimes
for sure, because you know, control comes from
fear. Fear is inward generated, no question.
Fear and faith can't live in the same place.
I can find that in scripture. but I know exactly
where it is in the big book about alcohol. It's
anonymous. Because I was just going through it
the other day and working steps again with a
couple of Sponsees. And that was one of those
things that are just so important for us to understand.
And I think it really relates to all of this
because when we talk about our inward relationship
with ourself, this is where things really start
beginning to implode. Right? When I'm self -consumed,
when all this other stuff, and it doesn't necessarily
mean that I'm self -centered overall. It doesn't
necessarily mean I'm narcissistic overall. Can
it? Sure. But it's not necessarily those indictments.
It's just a small drift sometimes where the accuser
can jump right in and create that inward focus,
taking the focus away from where where our focus
should be. And remembering where our focus should
be, what we focus on expands. And if I'm focusing
on my inward problems, then I'm just gonna feel
like I have more inward problems. But if somehow,
through the relationship that I established with
Jesus and His Father and the Holy Ghost, I know
that as I focus on that relationship, then the
things that come from them begin to expand. And
sometimes that doesn't necessarily mean I'm going
to be healed in the moment, not even in the situation,
maybe not even in the season, maybe not even
in mortality, but I'll be given the strength
that comes and can only come through a relationship
with him. And you know, even knowing that and
understanding that, I still get derailed. I was
thinking about my car has this thing that if
I turn the lane thing on, it'll beep, beep, beep
out at me if I get out of my lane. It's like,
I wonder if there's a spiritual button I can
push that will beep, beep, beep at me when I'm
getting derailed. And I know it's a personal
inventory. I have to put the mirror in front
of my face and really be conscientious of that
and go and start my day with my relationship.
The second I wake up, fall on my knees and start
my relationship immediately to get me back on
track. And I think that's the most important
thing is remembering. Just focusing on, because
what I do focus on, growth. And when I start
my day off in my scriptures and fervent like
heartfelt prayers, my day goes better because
that's my focus. But when I jump out of bed,
I'm a little bit late and I'm running here and
doing that. What I'm focusing on keeps growing
and then I get derailed all day, it seems like.
And then I have to just kind of push pause and
look up and go, ah, I need to do over, let's
restart today. That's right, start my day over.
We talked about that a couple episodes ago. I'm
starting over. Big Al taught me that. Yeah, well,
and I think that's all valid, you know, not just
start our day over, but start our day over, like
you said, start our day over with Jesus, start
our day over with Christ, start our day over
with an invitation to have his spirit always
to be with me, just a realignment. You know those
little Jesuses that everybody's finding. I found
another one the other day in the airport. It's
so interesting and I think about this and my
sweet sister Beck that talks about everybody
needs a little more Jesus. We just need a little
Jesus and so whenever I see those little figurines
and I don't know for all of you though, no they're
little, maybe half an inch, maybe inch at the
most. little figurines. They're almost rubber.
They're rubber. Of Jesus. When you say figurine,
I think of like ceramic. Oh, no, no. It's what
would you call it? It's rubber. Yeah, it's like
an eraser almost, but it's not. And it's of Jesus.
Yeah, it is. And they're various, they're different
ones, different color sash. And people are putting
them all over. And what you're supposed to do
is if you find one, you're supposed to hide it
in another place so people can find Jesus. I
mean, this is a thing that's going on in the
world and I'm probably late in the game and you
all listeners probably already know all about
this, but I didn't know about it. And so Scott
was bringing some home and we're like putting
some on our Christmas tree and my grand. Kids
are telling me, Grammy, you're not supposed to
keep them. You're supposed to hide them again
so people can find Jesus. Yeah, that's spreading
Jesus is the. But I think that's such a that's
a sweet little reminder that, you know, it's
the beep beep beep. Oh, there's Jesus. Kind of
idea. Yeah. I think we actually have kind of
those redirective mechanisms built in. And sometimes
that redirective mechanism can be such a quiet.
intrusion of our normality or normal life, if
you will, or whatever, that it just comes in
and just sneakily gets us and we call it a drift.
You know, we're just drifting. And then pretty
soon we realize, so the moment that we notice
the drift, that can be the beep. You know, it's
not loud. It's quiet, nothing about the spirit's
gonna be loud. I know, I just want it to yell
at me. No, I'm building on your example because
I think that's a wonderful example. I think that
we have those and we should, okay, decide what
are the things in my life that give me those
flashing warnings? They're not gonna be loud.
So when I feel just disconnected rather than
thinking, wow, what am I doing wrong? and focusing
on a self -degrading, self -indicating inventory.
Now, I think we have to be honest with ourselves
for sure, and we have to be willing to take a
look at where we are wrong and then promptly
admit it, make changes where we need to, for
example. But I think that when we... are in that
space rather than go into self indictment that
we just are willing to stay and because we know
what we know about him because of our relationship
and the experiences that we've had with him we
know that he's with us even in that and we know
that sometimes we need to be in it and we always
need him with us in it or out of it and I think
that can be helpful for us. For me, it's seeking
Him. And even though it's just like, okay, I
always go to the sacrament prayer of that willingness.
It's like, okay, I just gotta go to willingness.
I'm willing, God, I'm willing. Just work with
me. I'm so human. I live in this fallen world
and I am a very fallen human. I just, please
be patient with me, because I really am willing.
Well, and in the sacrament prayer, what are we
willing to do? We're willing to take his name
upon us. And taking his name upon us. So that
we can always have his spirit to be with us.
That's right, yeah. And that's the piece that
it's like, I want all of that to come together,
but I want it right now. And I want it on my
terms. I know. I relate to that. So, you know,
sometimes I just have to be okay, being still.
I'm still willing. I'm still praying. I may not
be feeling the, you know, powerful spiritual
experiences that I really want to feel in the
moment, but I know he's there. I truly know he's
there. And I think, I think one of the things
that invites the spirit the quickest for me is
when I go to gratitude. And one of the, I've
said this so many times, but tonight is another
example. I parked my car at work in an underground
parking. And when I pull out of the underground
parking, I'm facing Southwest and I am wowed,
literally audible. Like I'm in my car by myself
and I'm like, Wow, at these sunsets, like gratitude.
Thank you, Heavenly Father, for such a beautiful
sunset. And I think gratitude is the very first
thing that brings me back to, puts me back in
focus, puts me back on track with my relationship
with Jesus and my relationship with Heavenly
Father. When I practice gratitude, and sometimes
I have to practice it, Yeah, sometimes sometimes
it's just not just it doesn't just pop up for
me. It's not just super easy, you know, but but
when I practice gratitude, everything changes
for me. And that also, Deb, draws me closer to
him. Gratitude, even when things don't seem like
there's much to be grateful for. Yeah. Well,
gratitude isn't pretending. Well, you know, not
pretending or minimizing your pain or sorrow
or grief that you're going through. And it's
not forcing that, you know, positivity. Yes,
this is a great day, even though it sucked. You
know what I mean? It's not comparing suffering.
Oh, I had a way worse day than you did kind of
thing. That's not what gratitude is. Yeah. Yeah.
Or I had a way better day. Exactly. I'm thankful
I'm not him or I'm thankful I'm not her. Exactly.
But for the grace of God now, but for the grace
of God, that is a deep. that I have to think
quite a bit, especially as I'm working with others
in Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery programs,
because I have to think that, and that is my
gratitude, but for the grace of God there go
I. And I'm grateful that because of my relationship
that I'm having a different experience, but you're
right. You know what else gratitude isn't? It's
not me being your cheerleader spiritually or
you being my cheerleader spiritually. You know,
sometimes gratitude isn't jumping jacks and lollipops
and butterflies. and every, you know, oh, I'm
so grateful, I'm so grateful, I'm so grateful.
And I think that's gratitude too, but sometimes
gratitude is just, you know what, today I didn't
spiral completely out of control. And I could
have, you know, or I made it through the day
today. Yeah, you know what gratitude is for a
still suffering alcoholic who's brand new in
recovery. And I know a lot of them right now
that happens every time every year at this time,
it seems like. But for some of them is I just
made it through the day without a drink or a
drug or I made it through the day without a fit
of anger or I made it through the day without
a suicidal ideology or I made it through the
day without wondering, are you really there?
You know and do you hear and answer prayers?
Yeah, yeah, so it's just a lining For me When
I'm like that my gratitude shows up most when
I have eyes to see and I have to make a choice
Sometimes to have those eyes and it requires
effort on my part, but when I have eyes to see
the tender mercies the instruments of grace,
that the spirit of the Holy Ghost is administered
through the atonement of Jesus Christ in my life,
that for me is real gratitude when I have felt
that. In addition to some of that, one of the
things that I think that really helps for me
is when I... Think about and I think it would
be a good idea. I don't do this. I do do a Inventory
journal, maybe I should start doing this type
of a journal But I what if we what if we kept
a journal or a record of when did I feel held?
By him when did I feel last held quietly even
by him? We had an experience just recently where
somebody send a text to somebody that we know
and they have gone back to partaking of the sacrament
and the renewing of covenants and various things
and they said when they walked into the church
after many years of being absent that they felt
held by him and that he said Welcome home. This
is where you belong. You know even you know,
we think of and we've talked about we're in a
fallen world and we're in a fallen state but
You know, after teaching the divine gift of forgiveness
the last five years, you know, it has taught
me to be grateful for the fall. And I think that
was such a pivotal time for me to literally be
grateful for the fall so that I know sorrow and
I know joy, that I know good and evil. I'm so
grateful for this opportunity because again,
being at these funerals go, You graduated. You
get to go on. You get to, you get to go to the
next part, you know, the next portion of your,
you know, pillar of existence or whatever. But
it's like we, sometimes I've never been taught
or never even thought to be grateful for the
fall of Adam and Eve. You know, oftentimes we
curse it. that darn weeds and those that pain
in birth a childbirth and Adam and Eve and well,
I'm grateful Yeah restoration scripture and modern
-day prophets have really helped us to understand
the fall of Adam and Eve that it's truly one
of the pillars of eternity the creation the fall
the atonement Right of Jesus Christ the pillars
of eternity and and you know the the fall was
a plan and the fall was put into place so that
we could have these experiences and so that we
could understand, and we'll talk more about this
potentially next week, we need to talk about
the fall of Adam and Eve. And we'll talk about
how that this was all put into place so that
we could understand. our need for a Redeemer.
Dependency. Absolute. We need to be saved. One
hundred percent dependent on Him, whether we
even know it or not. Even our own breath. Even
if we know it or not. Right. And I think that
that's it. You know, the drift. Let's not let
that be our focus. Yeah, I think and I don't
think gratitude has to be loud. I think it can
just be a quiet, you know, Heavenly Father, thank
you. And again, what we focus on grows. And sometimes
I have to take a personal inventory during the
day and just say, what am I focusing on? Am I
focusing on what other people think or am I focusing
on my relationship with my savior? Right. And
that's where the drift ends. Or if the drift
continues or the drift feels like it's continuing.
That's where we have the companionship to help
us in it. Yeah, he's going to help us. And even
if we're in mess and hard and dirty situations
that we don't see the end of, I promise and I
testify that he will show up for you if you ask.
He is not going to defile our agents, go against
our agency, and he's not going to just jump in.
But if we plead and if we ask for Him to be with
us, I testify He will be there in that dirt and
the mud and the pain and the grief and the sorrow,
because He showed up for me. And I know that
He does. And we may not get the answers immediately
and we may have to wait. And again, it might
not be in this lifetime, but He never leaves
us alone, ever. He will never leave us. He knows
what that feels like. And so amongst our challenges
and our trials, call upon him, focus on him,
focus on that relationship, focus on that, that
connection with him so that he can be with us
and me always, always, that we may always have
his spirit to be with us. And sometimes just
remember being willing is enough. You're not
failing. You're not behind. He really is closer
than you think. As we wrap things up today, I
just want to say thanks for being with us. You
know, I know you feel this. You know we feel
this. This is something that we're all going
to feel from time to time throughout our mortal
existence. The important thing is, is that we
remember where to put our focus. When we focus
on our problems, our problems will expand because
it becomes an inward issue. When we focus on
the solution and the solution is Jesus Christ,
the answer to Every question, every problem,
according to President Nelson in a talk given
not that long ago is Jesus Christ, the answer
to everything. I believe that and I testify that
it's true. So let's this week, let's not just
let's not try to feel more. Let's not measure
our discipleship by our emotions. Let's measure
it rather by our faith and by our relationship
with them. And let's gently redirect that attention,
our focus. our focus towards Jesus Christ. And
remember that whatever we look at expands, whatever
we look at grows. We love you, friends. Thank
you for listening and being with us. Thanks for
being with us, everybody. We'll see you again
next week, and until then, be well.