Hey everybody Scott and Deb here Happy New Year
Can you believe that This this is redeemed through
his blood Scott and Debra Durfey here as always
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.com. So Deb, here we are, new year. How are
those new year resolutions coming for you? I
don't set them. We talked about that, didn't
we? I call it a new beginning and I have a new
beginning every single day when the sun comes
up. I've loved this new beginning concept to
several folks that I know and work with closely.
Alcoholics anonymous for example are kind of
doing a new beginning, you know working the steps
again and having a just a cool experience I talked
to a fella today that has been doing that and
just had a great experience so far You know as
he's been kind of working through the steps again.
It's been fun new beginning I always like self
-help stuff. I mean anything I can help physically
mentally emotionally spiritually. I always look
for areas that I can you know improve in but
it doesn't have to be January 1st or 6th or 12th
or it can just be any day of the year for me.
But I actually do love, but it just seems like
there's more availability. I mean, there's a
lot more available this time of year. So it's
like, Ooh, I want to read that book. Ooh, I want
to listen to that podcast. Oh, I want to go try
that bike, that exercise bike. Oh, I wanted to
go. Yeah, just whatever. There's just a lot of
different things I want to try out and see if
I can self -improve or enjoy something more in
my life. You know, as we move into a new year,
Deb, I got to be honest with you. You know, we
started the Christmas season with receiving Him.
You know, we talked about receiving Him. We talked
about how when we do, it changes our lives, makes
everything better. And we've done this for years.
You know, you and I have taught this and we've
taught Jesus Christ and His Atonement. Jesus
Christ and his atonement for for years now in
Institute and now here on the podcast in other
ways and and You know, we've we've we have an
opportunity to talk about the solution to all
of our problems Right him and not my words, but
president Nelson and many many others and my
words sure but what happens when You're doing
all the right things and you believe in him,
you're doing what you can to follow him, you're
praying, you're going to church, you're doing
your come follow me stuff, but what if you don't
feel him close to you? You know what I mean?
So let me give you some examples. So you and
I have experienced a lot of death. Recently,
you know a very close friend of mine's sweet
wife passed away and Another very close friend
of mine passed away from an overdose and we had
a brother -in -law whose mother just passed away
Yesterday and and that's not all I mean my employees.
That's right. Yeah was actually yeah, so There's
just been so much of that and when that when
that seems to be around I don't know I have felt
really kind of heavy through the holidays, right?
Even when we're talking about, and I don't think
we came right out and say this, but I think the
implication was there that, you know what, Scott,
if you're not feeling Jesus, it's your fault.
And I think, I feel crazy that we said that,
or that I said that, or feel like that was an
implication. We probably didn't say that, but
it might have been an implication, but. But what
do you do when you believe in him and you're
not feeling him, you know? I'm not rebelling,
I didn't walk away, I'm still praying, I still
believe, you know? Is that hypocrisy? Seriously,
I mean, I feel like a hypocrite. I teach all
this stuff and it's like, Scott, your life's
a mess this week. Well, sometimes knowing is
just not enough. Yeah, right. Yeah, I don't think
people talk about this very much. No, no. I think
there's a lot of us that you know know when we
believe and but when we can't feel the spirit
or see you know there's times that I kneel down
at night or I even close my eyes to pray and
I have to take a few deep breaths to remember
who I'm talking to you know it's just like I
we live in a noisy fast busy world amen and I
When I talk to Heavenly Father, when I say my
prayers, I want it to be intentional and slow
and deliberate so I can feel. And there are often
times I don't feel. It's like, okay, you know,
let's slow it down a little bit more. Because
I know God doesn't go in depth speed. I mean,
he probably thinks you are chaotic and crazy
lady. Like who wants to go that hard and fast
for so long? It's bananas. So I think sometimes
we expect, expect emotional confirmation to be
constant. Ah, so that's kind of an indict. I
don't, I'm not saying you're indicting me, but,
but, but I feel indicted by that comment because
you know why it's true for me. You know, when
I expect Emotional confirmation, I want it to
be all the time. I want validation, spiritual
validation all the time. Yeah, you know when
you feel that spirit just overwhelm and you just
feel it's like, that's what I want and that's
what I'm seeking for. Every time I kneel down,
every time I go to the temple, when I partake
of the sacrament, when I seek for spiritual things,
I want to feel that. And I don't, all the time.
Not every time. No. Yeah. And so I often think
that sometimes that silence or that heaviness
gets misread as I'm doing something wrong. I'm
not fervent enough in my praying. I'm not fervent
enough in my scripture study. I haven't attended
the temple enough times this month. So it's like
I go to the checklist, I seriously do. Right,
back to earning his grace. We're gonna talk about
that in a minute, but back to kind of earning
his grace. And you know what, Deb, that's actually
when I start feeling all that, when I start thinking
all that, the accuser pops right into me. Right,
right in my head. And he starts whispering, oh
Scott, you're such a hypocrite. Oh Scott, you
know, you say this, but you live this way. I
mean, come on, you know, what's going on? You're
a hypocrite, Scott. You teach this, but you feel
that. Right, right. So, but what I have realized
and come to realize, and I've really spent some
time with this today and yesterday and a little
bit over the last several days, but what I've
really come to realize, Deb, that, you know,
It's not hypocrisy just because we struggle with
what we believe. It's not hypocrisy, but hypocrisy,
in my mind, when I think about hypocrisy from
a lens that I think through the lens of the atonement
of Jesus Christ, what I believe now is that hypocrisy
is pretending that I don't need him. that it's
up to me to earn it. Yeah, exactly. You know,
hypocrisy means I don't need Jesus because I
don't believe that the fall was part of God's
intended plan for my happiness, for my salvation.
Even though you know, you act like you don't
know. Right. Yeah. Right. I default to that.
You know, the accuser, the accuser. Just because
we struggle doesn't disqualify us from his spirit
or from his gifts. Sometimes he likes to let
us sit in our mud for a little while or dirt.
That's sometimes where I learn and I hate it
there. Unfortunately, I don't know if it's unfortunate.
I think that there's some intent there. For sure.
Honestly. I think we all struggle. You know what,
I always go back to a child. I think of a little
tiny child learning how to put a puzzle together
and they're trying to put this star in this heart
shape and they're struggling and struggling and
struggling and it's like how long do you allow
them to struggle or do you just do it for them
and you know we have a God that will not violate
our agency and until we ask and you know I think
of a child an innocent child sitting on the floor
putting this star in this heart space until the
child hands me the piece or looks at me like,
help. That's when I think we would get help is
when we ask. And I think he's just waiting for
us to ask. Because we do struggle and we sit
in our mess and we sit and try to figure it out
and I'll try it this way and I'll try it over
this side and under this side and on the other
side. I catch myself often. trying to do stuff
myself. Have you ever felt disqualified from
God's love or God's grace because of a struggle?
While you were in a struggle, maybe? I have.
I have, yeah. I definitely have. I have felt
like sometimes, and maybe this is a little bit
even recently, I have felt like and sometimes
still feel like that when I'm struggling, I'm
disqualified. And I don't mean completely disqualified,
I just mean disqualified from having the spirit
with me because I'm struggling, God must be mad
at me or God must want something more for me
to, I don't know what I'm trying to say here,
but to have pain and to go through those things.
I sometimes forget that just because I'm struggling
doesn't mean I'm disqualified. Does that make
sense at all? You know also, I mean not only
feeling like you're disqualified, but I think
sometimes when I don't feel the spirit I feel
like I'm rebelling like I feel like not necessarily
rebelling but it's like Excuse my word, but it's
like screw it. I'm not gonna try then right.
I it's like go, you know, it's like I can't feel
anything. Anyways, I'm Emotionless, maybe that's
my menopause Maybe that's that that mature years
that we get to go into. I don't know. That would
be easier for me to buy into if it were only
women that felt that way, but it's not. I felt
that way. Maybe you're going through manopause.
Yeah, whatever. I think it's just a manifestation
of the fall of Adam and Eve. For sure. Right?
And anyway, the struggle's real. I mean, that's
the bottom line. The struggle is real. There
was a... general relief society or young women's
or primary presidency that talked in general
conference. And she talked about how for a long
time she struggled to fill the spirit and she
had gone through, I don't know if it was depression
or some challenging times and she struggled to,
to fill the spirit. And she thought that, um,
heavenly father had abandoned her and thought
that he had, you know, left her alone and she
just pleaded and kept you know praying and again
you know sometimes you know sitting in our mess
or sitting in our emotionless with no emotion
or you know flatness or funk sometimes sitting
in it is part of the plan and I think it's important
for us to remember that we're not broken it's
okay just give ourselves some grace I agree with
all of that and I'm also grateful that you've
taught me that and you remind me of that over
and over and over again when I need it because
sometimes Deb this head just gets in charge.
It's the human mind, it's the fallen mind for
me. And I know I'm not alone, but I know that
I have felt like God's been mad at me, I know
that I have felt like God's not healing me fast
enough, so what the heck, and all of those things,
rather than just sitting in it and asking him
also to come sit in it with me. But none of this
surprises him. I love, and we go to the scripture
a lot, but none of this surprises him. When I
go to Alma chapter, chapter seven, verse 10.
I normally start with 11, but I'm gonna start
with 10, because we're so close still to Christmas.
And behold, he shall be born, of course talking
of Jesus, of Mary at Jerusalem, which is the
land of our forefathers. She being a virgin,
precious in the chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed
and conceived by the power of the Holy Ghost.
And bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.
That alone gives me hope. just the Son of God,
just knowing that He's coming. But that hope
intensifies. In fact, that hope, if I allow it
to through the Spirit, becomes not just intensified,
but sanctified through the Spirit of the Holy
Ghost. When I understand, in verse 11, that He
shall go forth suffering pains and afflictions
and temptations of every single kind. It doesn't
say every single, but every kind. But that's
all -inclusive, that's all -encompassing. Nothing
is left out, every single kind. And there's,
you know, Jesus knew about the stuff that we
would deal with. We haven't vended anything that
he forgot about or happened to leave out while
he was there. Well, and I think this is an important
piece because I think so many times we hear,
I'm grateful for the atonement that he forgives
my sins. That's not all the atonement's for.
I mean, when it says that he, has suffered pains
and afflictions and temptations of every kind.
There is nothing he is leaving out, whether it's
that emotional funk or that no emotion, or I
can't feel the spirit right now for two years,
or I'm feeling a lot of death around me and I
don't like how this feels. I don't, I mean, I'm
starting to feel surreal. He has felt all of
that, every kind. And I think it's so important
to remember that the atonement was not just for
our sins, but our afflictions and our pains.
All of it. Temptations. Think about the atonement
and temptations. He suffered that. And suffering
pains and afflictions. And temptations of every
kind. That the word might be fulfilled which
saith he who will take upon him the pains. and
the sicknesses of his people. Yep, there you
go, even more, pains and sicknesses. All the
sicknesses, not just physical, but mental, emotional,
anything that separates us from the spirit of
the Holy Ghost is, I will term, a sickness. And
he has suffered for that. He has suffered for
that separation. He has suffered for that distance.
He has suffered for that gap that we often, and
sometimes, and often feel. when we're in that
and he will take upon him death that he may loose
the bands of death which bind his people and
he will take upon him their infirmities. Why?
that his bowels may be filled with mercy according
to the flesh, that he may know according to the
flesh how to succor his people according to their
infirmities. That should put you in a state of
thank you, Heavenly Father, thank you, Jesus.
It should. Yeah. It should, but does it? Maybe
not always, but I will tell you this. Having
that scripture afloat in my mind has created
a space that didn't allow panic. Right sure and
it didn't allow Overwhelming feelings of despair
or depression and I'm not saying that if you're
feeling that that you're missing That's the whole
point of this podcast is just because sometimes
we're not feeling it doesn't mean it's there
But he did he suffered it and he's gonna sit
with me and be with me as I go through it pain
Sicknesses infirmities according to the flush
that he would know how to sucker us sucker means
nearness before progress. What I mean by that
is sucker means he is going to, I mean I think
of a child being nursed, a sucker in child. That
mom is going to protect and be with them, nurture
and sucker them. He will be with us before, during,
and after. he will be with us, and it's not predicated
on where we are and what we're doing. Right,
that's I think the point, right? Yeah, 100%.
He is there no matter what. I do believe that
the more closely we align with him, the more...
probable or the better situation we put ourselves
into to have the Spirit administer the blessings
of Christ's atonement in our lives. But he nonetheless
will succor us even before we begin to make any
progress. Even when we're feeling nothing. Right,
yeah. Yeah, he's succoring us. That's true. Yeah.
So what does it feel like in real life? Like
when we're not, when we're feeling the emotional
flatness or that funk, what does it feel like
when he's suckering me now and I'm not feeling?
Well, the one thing I know. from Alma 7 and everything
else that we've talked about, you know, if I'm
worried about progress, if I'm worried about
earning, if I'm worried about are my prayers
proper, if I'm worried about, yeah, all that,
you know, the mentality that we often find ourselves
in. But if that's my focus, I'm really focusing
on the transaction, I'm looking for a transaction.
A vending machine. Put something in and want
something out. Exactly. But if I visit Christ
in Gethsemane and I go there in my mind, in my
heart, in my meditation, in my prayer, I go there
and I be with Him. as he went through what he
went through so that he could be with me to go
through what I went through. I think of how it
must have been for him. I was heavy for him.
I was sorrowful for him. I have felt heaviness.
I have felt a little bit sorrow. It would be
inappropriate for me to compare it to what he
went through, but he knows what I went through.
Because he went through that. He had that heaviness.
He had that sorrow. He even asked Heavenly Father,
if it be possible, please take this away from
me. But the burden wasn't lifted. Heavenly Father
didn't lift Christ's burden. Sometimes he's not
gonna lift my burden, but what did he do? He
sent strength, right? Yeah, he strengthens him.
Gives him the strength to get through it. I think
it's important to remember how the critical piece
of this is all about a relationship. Not a transaction.
And sometimes that relationship just means I'm
just there or he's just there with me. Even when
it's difficult, even when it's rainy, even when
it's dark, even when it's foreboding, even when
there's despair. That reminds me of a story at
my dad's funeral. My cousin's husband, he was
married to my cousin Sue. She passed away. and
at 23 left a four month old baby and a three
year old little girl, four year old little girl.
I don't know. Anyways. And, and he was, um, in
despair. He was mourning and frustrated and mad
and just like you can only imagine. And he told
me right after he said to me, he says right after
Sue died, I was so just in despair. that I had,
he was living with his mom at the time and he
says, I left the kids in there and I just went
out in the field behind her house and I just
started running and it was raining and it was
just terrible. And he goes, I was crying and
I ran until I was exhausted and I stood up against
a fence. I'm going to cry telling you this story.
And he said, your dad came up and stood by me.
He said, Ron, you don't have to be here. And
he turns to him and he says, neither do you.
I'm just here with you. That was such an impactful
story for me because that is what he does for
me. And when I'm in my sorrow and I'm in my grief,
that he will sit beside me. and he's not necessarily
there to fix it at that moment or whatever, and
maybe never fix it, but give me strength to know
I'm not alone. And I think it's important to
remember that. That story has stuck with me in
my heart, just how much it meant to him. My dad
wasn't there to fix anything, he was just there
to be with him in his despair and his sorrow
and his grief. To me, Deb, that's really grace,
you know? And I knew your dad. quite well and
that's how he was you know there there are people
sometimes that are really an emulation of the
Savior in certain aspects and in that night and
that day he did I remember Rocky telling us about
that and he just wept as he told us he didn't
need words he didn't need advice he didn't even
need somebody to touch him and hug him and hold
him that's not his style he just needed somebody
to be With him, but you know what but you know
what rocky had the ability to do accept it and
acknowledge it and Be welcoming to it and and
that helps us to one again help doesn't always
feel like relief It just is knowing that you're
not alone. Yeah, right And enduring, sometimes
we don't give ourselves any grace when we go
through challenges and hard things and death
and watching people we love and care about bury
their wife and their mother and their father
or their friend or whatever. It's like, just
give ourselves, we need to give ourselves some
grace. Just getting through day to day, there's
heavy stuff. hard stuff and I know all of our
listeners are going through hard things too.
Challenges, you know, of all kinds. You know,
and also when I look at grace, sometimes I'm
thinking, you know, grace, Heavenly Father has
grace or Jesus Christ has grace for me. He has
grace for my sin. He has grace for my lack. He
has grace for my whatever the manifestation of
the fallen of Scott Durfee comes through. He
has grace for that. What I sometimes forget to
remember is that when I'm in something, sometimes
he has grace with me. And that's what I have
felt. You know I haven't been super bounce off
the walls gregarious You know go out of my way
to you know run across the street and introduce
myself to a stranger kind of friendly and all
that other stuff lately But I haven't necessarily
been battling depression either But but I haven't
but but what I have known is that his grace was
actually been with me. So it's not only about
God doing something for us that we could do for
ourselves. Sometimes it's really just kinda,
I don't know, looks like God doing something
more like with us that I can't do alone. Just
like my dad sat with Rocky. I'm just here for
you. Just didn't have to be alone. It doesn't
wait for me to be ready. And I think the hard
thing is we don't always see the spirit. We have
to seek it. Oftentimes receiving the spirit,
receiving Jesus Christ can be quiet and a still
moment and good luck finding a still moment.
And even consent over confidence. What do you
mean by consent over confidence? So you mean
like allowing him? I think it's willing. I think
it's, and maybe I should say willingness. Yeah.
Yeah, willing. I think sometimes that's my prayer.
Lord, I'm willing. I'm just not feeling. Yeah.
You know what? Sometimes I'm not willing. Yeah.
And so sometimes my prayer is, Heavenly Father,
just give me the willingness to be willing. Yeah,
that's it. That's a fair prayer. That is a fair
prayer. Yeah, that's a fair prayer. Had I not
had that prayer. And it's authentic and raw.
In the very beginning of my recovery journey,
I'm not sure that I would have made it. I just
needed the blessing of willingness. Yeah. It's
a covenant word. Yeah, it's a covenant word.
Where do we hear it most? Every week when we
hear the sacrament be blessed that they may be
willing to take upon. You know, and I think about
the word willing a lot because I'm like, you
know, I know I'm not alone, but I often feel
like this is so redundant and repetitive and
so, but Heavenly Father, I am willing. I really
am willing. And sometimes I'm more willing than
others, but I am for the most part willing. That's
a powerful word. And it's a powerful concept,
this willingness, right? So when I think about
willingness, I think about all the stuff that
you just said, but where it originated, I think,
or grew roots for me is in recovery. The third
step of AA is we were willing to turn our will
and our life over to the care of God as we understand
him, willing. Just to kind of maybe Shift direction
not really shift direction, but maybe change
The way we talk about it for just a minute dub
When I think of these things and I know we've
addressed this talk before and but it and it
it holds a little extra sentiment for me because
of Elder Holland's passing recently, right? But
I think about his talk that he gave laborers
in the vineyard from April 2012. I have a little
piece of that that I want to play. Again, I know
we've played it before. The impact, I think,
is nonetheless still equally important. however
many chances you think you've missed, however
many mistakes you feel you've made, or talents
you think you don't have, or distance from home
and family and God you feel you have traveled,
I testify that you have not traveled beyond the
reach of divine love. It is not possible for
you to sink lower than the infinite light of
Christ's atonement shines. That never grows old
for me, Deb. No, me either. Such a message of
hope. And it's just eternal truths. Right just
eternal truths. I know that we all get tripped
up. I know that regardless of our covenant relationship
regardless of our ability to Keep all the commandments
regardless of any of that. We're all just in
dire need, but we never go that far We've never
I have never gone too far And he's just waiting
for an invitation to sit with me Well, just a
reminder, weariness is not abandonment. You're
not too far gone, not behind schedule, not disqualified
by discouragement, and feeling distant from Christ
does not mean Christ is distant from you. That's
the part of the covenant relationship I love,
because I'm not perfect at it, but He is. Very,
and I'm so excited because we have a lot of examples
of that very thing in the Old Testament. And
as we begin our study of Come Follow Me in the
Old Testament this year, Jeremiah, Hosea, there's
so many places where we see Heavenly Father,
we see Jehovah, rather, right? Yeah, yeah. the
God of the New Testament, Jesus Christ, Jehovah,
pursuing those who have sinned to the end. And
we'll get to see that in our own lives if we
just allow it. He's just waiting for us to invite
him in to align with it. Well, he's not gonna
violate our agency. I have to remember that.
I'm saying that out loud for me because it's
like I just... Because I always tell them I'm
willing I want you with me. I want you with me
that it's just an ongoing invitation that I want
you with me Forgetting that I have agency and
and he knows that right and I need to ask For
what I want and I need to be specific And I'm
not really good at that It's being specific.
Is that what you're saying? Very general. Yeah,
I'm very general when I ask Well where you are
isn't permanent and grace works at human pace,
so. And you know what, reminds me of that saying,
in the end, everything will be okay, and if it's
not okay, it's not the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, so often, and I think I've said this,
I've probably beaten it up a lot, but you know,
so often when I think about Christ being with
me, sometimes receiving him doesn't. push away
all darkness. Sometimes, and we think of the
opposite because we know that he is light and
we know that all light comes from him and where
he is there can't be darkness, but sometimes
when we feel, and that's a physical darkness,
but sometimes when we feel that emotional and
mental darkness, he can still be with us. He
can still be with us, so sometimes it's not about
just letting him, or not about him chasing away
the light, but just allowing him to sit with
us or be with us when it's dark in our lives.
It's true. It's important for us to remember
that Jesus Christ succored us because he suffered.
Grace works with us, not necessarily ahead of
us. We need to remember that, right? I have to
keep that in my mind. And if all I can do right
now is to just stay, that might actually absolutely
be the most honest way that I can receive him
right now. Just to stay, right? So it's okay
to do that. And be willing. Yeah, and willingness,
obviously, the key that turns to the ability
for that to happen and creates that invitation.
Well, just as a reminder, you're not failing
and you're not alone. We're here with you. Loud
and proud. You got that right. Well, I think
that, you know, this is an important topic for
us to consider and to sit with and be with throughout
this week. And as we begin a new week, because,
you know, we have began a new year. We talked
last week about new beginnings this week. We
talked about the real life story and we're going
to experience both. Let's continue in our new
beginning. Let's continue to receive him. Let's
continue to let him. him walk with us, even when
we don't feel like we need to walk with him.
I know he's there and he's in my life. Even he's
been in my life, even though it's been a little
bit cloudy emotionally lately. Yeah. And I think
it's important to give ourselves some grace,
you know, when we're not feeling it or we're
not, you know, participating the way we feel
like, cause I put expectations on myself. And
if I'm not feeling it the way that I think that
I should feel it, I need to remember to give
myself some grace. It's all in divine order.
God's in charge. That's not my will. Thanks for
being with us, everyone. We love you. We appreciate
your support. And until next time. Thanks for
being with us, everybody. We look forward to
being with you again next week. And until then,
be well.