WEBVTT

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Hey there, everybody. Well, welcome out to another

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episode of Redeemed Through His Blood. This is

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Scott Durfee joined as always by the beautiful.

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What other adjectives you want me to use today?

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Deb Durfee. You don't need any adjectives. Hi,

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Deb. Hi. Here we are again. It's been about two

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weeks, actually 10 days or so since we released.

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There's a reason for that. We're not going to

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get into that. But I'm grateful that we're here

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tonight. We're grateful to have some really close

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great friends here tonight to kind of share some

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experience, strength and hope with us. But before

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we do that, we just want to thank everybody for

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your emails and your texts. A few of you cousins

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and family who have been doing that as well.

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We appreciate that. We appreciate the encouragement.

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You know, sometimes we do this labor of love

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and it really is a labor of love. There's a ton

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of work attached to it. There's no renumeration

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at all or anything like that, but we're definitely

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fed spiritually as we receive your comments and

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your emails and hear how maybe some of you are

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even being touched by some of the principles

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that we're exploring here. So grateful for that.

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Over the past several episodes, Deb, probably

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20. We've talked about having Nick back on. If

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you'll remember, Nick, I think it was season

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two. Or one maybe even the first or second season

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that we had a good friend of mine Nick David

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and I had a good friend of mine Nick on Nick

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is If you're it's okay. I'll just gonna give

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a little rundown Nick and I have an association

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through an organization called alcoholics anonymous

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We're close friends and get to work closely together

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There I've been able to see Nick through most

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of his recovery and his story has been just an

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amazing story of redemption and of recovery and

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of all of the blessings that come from Christ's

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Atonement. I encourage you, in fact I'll try

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and remember to drop a link or put the link in

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the show notes for this one because it will be

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maybe important for some of you to go back and

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to really to connect with what Nick has to say

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to hear that whole story. It's a really good

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episode. Yeah, one of the best, one of the best.

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Long story short, Nick, you lived a pretty rough

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life after growing up in Happy Valley, Utah,

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in a very LDS family, a very LDS situation, and

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your life for the most part was pretty great,

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but like me, you took a detour in life, and you

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went down a pretty rough path for a while. Yeah,

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it was, it got a little crazy there. That's an

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understatement. Nick met a beautiful woman while

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he was going to the University of Utah, is that

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right? It was after that in a singles ward. Okay.

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Up there in Salt Lake. Okay. And they got married,

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and because of Nick's addiction, we're gonna

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talk about some of this and stuff like that.

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They ended up divorced for seven years. Here

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they are seven years later, married again, and

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that's what we're gonna talk about today. I think

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you just gave away the punch line. No, I did

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not. It's like telling somebody that died in

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a movie. No, no. They're obviously married again,

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Deb, they're here, so. Yeah, yeah, so anyway.

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But there's a lot of cool stories. Welcome, welcome,

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welcome, Nick and Crystal. What a treat it is

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to have you back, Nick, and what a treat it is

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to have you with us, Crystal. Thank you. Yeah,

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tell us a little bit about you, Crystal. Oh gosh.

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I grew up kind of all over the place. I come

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from a big family. My parents divorced when I

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was 10. There were five girls in the family.

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Parents divorced. Lots of bouncing around in

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my life, you know, back then. Kind of a lot of

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hard things, and then my parents remarried. I

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have lots of brothers and sisters now. And, yeah.

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Your parents didn't remarry. Well, they remarried

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other people. They didn't remarry each other,

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yes. They got remarried, yes. Married to other

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people. They got married to other people. And

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then, yeah, I mean. That's a whole other, that's

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a whole other story. So were you raised in the

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church? How was it for you growing up? Yeah,

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I was raised in the church. When my parents divorced,

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there was a little bit of, my mom wasn't active

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as much then, my dad still was, and so there

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was, we weren't super active members, but I remember

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being really aware of what God thought of me,

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I was worried, and so I would go to church by

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myself. I just tried to keep towing the line

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a little bit, you know, because I just, I wanted

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God to be happy with me. You learned at a young

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age, right? Yeah, to be obedient. To be obedient,

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yep. Yeah, that's fantastic. So did you live

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with your mom or your dad? I lived with my mom

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for a while, and then I moved in with my dad

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when I was in junior high, and then moved. back

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in with my mom my senior year of high school,

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so. Were they close in proximity to each other?

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My dad lived in Centerville and my mom lived

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in Cottonwood Heights. Okay, so not super far,

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not different states, but definitely different

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cities. Yes. Okay. Yeah. You did go on a mission.

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Went on a mission, you know, I gotta keep doing

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all the right things. Yeah, there must've been

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some testimony involved there though. I definitely

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feel like God has really been a huge part of

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my life. I think God's always really been there

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for me. There are definitely moments when I felt

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very alone and I have cultivated a really strong

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relationship with God. It's changed over the

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years. When I was younger, the relationship was

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more transactional. Like I need to do what God

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wants me to do, otherwise He'll be disappointed

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in me and I won't get the blessings. And I really

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wanted the blessings. And so, So yeah, I try

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to do the right thing, say the right thing, you

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know, be the right girl, all of that. And then

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I think life has just shook me a bit. And now

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my relationship is a lot more guided. I'm rebuilding

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that trust with God in a different kind of a

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way. And maybe that might make more sense as

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we kind of get into the story. Well, so you met

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at a singles ward and then you got married Tell

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us about your dating and your marriage. I'd been

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married once before I had I Think she was five

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You know I had struggled with alcoholism and

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addiction before going to this ward and and I

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Was trying to get get out of that and I didn't

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know about 12 -step program at that point in

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time and you know, I was like 24 years old or

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something like that and and so I was using religion

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is kind of my way to get through that and I joined

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the singles ward and it was a lot of fun and

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really got involved and and we met and then Maybe

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a year after we met and started dating we got

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married and then We were married for what 12

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13 years something like that and had two more

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kids and then The addiction came back. Well,

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it never really left He told me that he had had

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some problems with painkillers, but he had been

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through recovery and done all of that. And I,

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it did the, like, it didn't scare me. I just

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thought, here's someone who's been through something

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really challenging and he's been able to overcome

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it. And I thought that was cool. Right. Right.

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Right. I put it on hold for a couple of years

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and I thought it was just gone, you know, and

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I didn't understand exactly what I was dealing

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with there. Meaning the addiction. Yeah. The

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addiction, you know, but then after we'd been

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married for a little bit, you know, it started

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coming back that desire, that, that noise in

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my head. That's like, you can't do this. You're

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not enough. All of, you know, the fear, the,

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you know, and, and the thing about, um, addiction

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is that it's the ultimate counterfeit spiritual

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experience, you know, and it's easy and it always

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works until it turns on you, you know? But so

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I went back to what I knew. You know and just

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tried to keep it at bay for You know for ten

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plus years, you know, and it it was and then

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the wheels Just totally came off there in about

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2017 2018, you know and we ended up getting divorced

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that was your 13 of your marriage. Yeah, okay

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Got it Nick Let me just kind of backpedal here

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a little bit. In the previous episode when we,

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David and I interviewed you, you talked about

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your relationship. Crystal just talked about

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her relationship with God and that how it has

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changed from being a transactional, that's how

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it was for me too by the way, I thought God was

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just a cop waiting to it. for me to make a mistake

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so he could bust me. And that stupid thinking

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still sneaks its way back into my head on occasion.

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That is kind of frustrating, but I guess that's

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part of the fallen experience that we get to

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experience here. And another reason why we get

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to put on the atonement of Jesus Christ so he

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can strengthen us and enable us and compensate

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us through all of that, right? But Nick, one

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of the things that you talked about in that episode

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was the way you saw Christ or the way you saw

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God and that it was only available to you through

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the church. Is that an accurate depiction? Yeah,

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so I had this belief that the church owned God

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and Jesus and the Spirit and if it wasn't done

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some particular way that you weren't going to

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get there. And it was like, if you're not living

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within these rules within the church, what's

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the point of even trying? And so I almost viewed

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it like I had to worship or have that relationship

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through the institution of the church. So I went

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along to get along for most of my life. you know,

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it was more like, I'm going to check off these

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boxes because I've never really had an experience

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with, with God or Jesus, you know, one of those

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that like touches your heart and changes you.

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You know, and then, then I became real jaded

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and calloused and, and decided that, uh, I was

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Deliberately gonna do everything I was told not

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to do cuz I was angry, you know and and Because

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of the path that I was going down Which ultimately

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led me to a relationship with God and and with

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the Savior that's It's it's mine, you know, regardless

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of anything else like it is an individual Well,

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Crystal, you marry this guy. You know he's had

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a little bit of a problem. You're pretty proud

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of him that he's been able to valiantly overcome

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this little problem of opiate addiction or whatever.

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And it's true, and those things do happen. And

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you should have been proud of him. That was a

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big deal. And Nick, you should give yourself,

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and I think you do, give yourself credit for

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what. You did allow God to do in your life even

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then, you know. And Crystal, how was it when

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you saw him starting to unwind? Talk to me about

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that. What was it like for you? when you saw

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this all starting to unwind for him, and how

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was your hope, and where were you able to lean

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into any kind of spiritual help with Heavenly

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Father, or did you have others around you? Talk

00:13:34.240 --> 00:13:37.100
to us about that. That had to be a challenging

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time for a mom, and a wife who loves her husband.

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Yeah. I didn't know much about addiction actually.

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Um, and so I was pretty oblivious to things until

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things just weren't making sense. Um, so, you

00:13:55.029 --> 00:13:56.370
know, sometimes you just have this feeling like

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something's off. I can't put my finger on it,

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but there's something there. And so whenever

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I would talk to Nick about it, he would deflect.

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He would be like, you're, you know, you don't

00:14:04.830 --> 00:14:06.210
know what you're talking about. And I was like,

00:14:06.210 --> 00:14:08.590
okay, you're probably right. It was confusing.

00:14:08.649 --> 00:14:11.460
It was really confusing. I also need to say too

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that when my mom was inactive for a little bit,

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but she got back into the church, my family was

00:14:17.879 --> 00:14:21.759
strong in the church later on. And they were

00:14:21.759 --> 00:14:24.580
such a huge support to me when I was going through

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all of this. So I really leaned on my family

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a lot. I think something that paints a picture

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really well for me, maybe you can kind of understand

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how I was moving through it. When I was younger,

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I was 10, I was at the... beach and I was you

00:14:39.610 --> 00:14:41.509
know how you body surf and you like you have

00:14:41.509 --> 00:14:44.690
to dive underneath the waves so they don't take

00:14:44.690 --> 00:14:48.690
you under I was doing that and one of the waves

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I didn't dive fast enough and it took me under

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I don't know if you've ever experienced that

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but it like takes you and it flips you like you're

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somersaulting right and I remember kind of panicking

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and being like I don't know I was swimming just

00:15:02.409 --> 00:15:05.120
swimming swimming swimming and Something in me

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was like, I don't know where I'm going. I don't

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know which way am I going up? Am I going sideways?

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Am I going down? And something in me was just

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like, just kind of like, surrender was kind of

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like, just go limp, right? Just stop. And the

00:15:20.639 --> 00:15:22.799
air will bring you up to the surface. And so

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I just, I stopped swimming and I came up to the

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surface and just took a big breath of fresh air,

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right? It was kind of like that for me. I'm holding

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my breath hearing this. It's like when everything

00:15:36.139 --> 00:15:38.960
was happening, I was swimming frantically, trying

00:15:38.960 --> 00:15:42.740
to figure out what to do, how to solve this problem,

00:15:42.820 --> 00:15:46.500
where do I go, how do I fix this, right? And

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then it got so bad that there was just a point

00:15:48.779 --> 00:15:52.679
of real surrender, because I was like, I need

00:15:52.679 --> 00:15:56.330
help and I don't know. how to help myself here.

00:15:57.110 --> 00:16:00.929
And that moment, that's when I really started

00:16:00.929 --> 00:16:02.990
to develop a really strong relationship with

00:16:02.990 --> 00:16:05.590
God. Yeah, that's where the trust comes in, isn't

00:16:05.590 --> 00:16:09.009
it? Yeah. And Deb, you talk a lot about this.

00:16:09.009 --> 00:16:12.509
It's in that literal letting go before we're

00:16:12.509 --> 00:16:16.889
able to really take on the blessings that are

00:16:16.889 --> 00:16:19.169
available to us. That's what I mean by that,

00:16:19.289 --> 00:16:21.669
Deb. You talk about receiving those blessings

00:16:21.669 --> 00:16:23.730
and that's how that has to happen. Well, and

00:16:23.730 --> 00:16:25.470
I have a lot of pictures to go with those words

00:16:25.470 --> 00:16:29.210
because the insanity become, I mean, you get

00:16:29.210 --> 00:16:31.690
to that point and I can relate to that undercurrent

00:16:31.690 --> 00:16:35.590
and that chaos. And when you're living that,

00:16:35.820 --> 00:16:39.340
you realize there is not a single solitary person

00:16:39.340 --> 00:16:41.740
that knows what I'm going through right now or

00:16:41.740 --> 00:16:44.440
that can support me. This is bigger than me and

00:16:44.440 --> 00:16:48.539
all of the universe. And it's like, I had to

00:16:48.539 --> 00:16:51.639
get to a point where I had to push pause and

00:16:51.639 --> 00:16:54.379
go, who do I really trust that can fix this?

00:16:54.940 --> 00:16:58.440
Or who can, like, who can I trust with this?

00:16:58.440 --> 00:17:01.039
Because this is a really big story and this is

00:17:01.039 --> 00:17:05.279
a really big mess. And so it's like, I felt like

00:17:05.279 --> 00:17:10.279
I was in a hole and I'm looking up going, there's

00:17:10.279 --> 00:17:12.339
not one person that can get me out of here except

00:17:12.339 --> 00:17:16.880
God, the only person. And I literally depended

00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:19.660
100 % on him. I was like, I mean, yes, my family

00:17:19.660 --> 00:17:22.559
was there to support with a lot of things, but

00:17:22.559 --> 00:17:25.839
there were so many times of my life that it's

00:17:25.839 --> 00:17:29.220
like, God is the only one, literally the only

00:17:29.220 --> 00:17:32.509
one that gets this right now. I don't know why

00:17:32.509 --> 00:17:36.190
I knew that, but I knew it, like without a doubt.

00:17:36.509 --> 00:17:38.410
I knew it and I knew God knew it. Like it was

00:17:38.410 --> 00:17:43.049
that kind of knowing. Yeah, it is. I totally

00:17:43.049 --> 00:17:44.809
get that. There are moments when you're like,

00:17:45.269 --> 00:17:47.930
I am alone here. Yeah. Yeah. And the only one

00:17:47.930 --> 00:17:50.970
that I can count on is God. Yeah, 100%. Cause

00:17:50.970 --> 00:17:53.809
there's not, I mean, there was not a single solitary

00:17:53.809 --> 00:17:56.549
person that I, I'm like, I can't talk to my mom,

00:17:56.609 --> 00:17:59.789
my dad, my, the releases, I'm like, who gets,

00:18:00.170 --> 00:18:03.390
who, who, who could fix this? And it was just

00:18:03.390 --> 00:18:08.549
such as a situation. And I look at it now looking

00:18:08.549 --> 00:18:12.049
back and it was like, that was my God shot to

00:18:12.049 --> 00:18:14.869
go, Deb, you're not in control like you think

00:18:14.869 --> 00:18:17.759
you are. Let's just sit you in this hole for

00:18:17.759 --> 00:18:20.599
a little bit. Let you just flail until you learn

00:18:20.599 --> 00:18:24.279
to surrender or get you in a drowning moment.

00:18:24.700 --> 00:18:27.039
Mine felt like a hole. It just felt like a really

00:18:27.039 --> 00:18:29.640
deep, dark hole and I just kept looking up seeing,

00:18:29.819 --> 00:18:31.779
now there's light. I just don't know what to

00:18:31.779 --> 00:18:37.059
do with this. So that's surrender space. So it

00:18:37.059 --> 00:18:39.519
sounds like that was a big learning experience

00:18:39.519 --> 00:18:42.079
for you. Surrender. What other things were you

00:18:42.079 --> 00:18:48.119
able to learn that kind of held you in? I learned

00:18:48.119 --> 00:18:54.079
to do hard things. I learned to get strong. I

00:18:54.079 --> 00:18:59.160
learned that I am a pretty powerful person when

00:18:59.160 --> 00:19:04.559
I link myself with God. There was a lot of fear

00:19:04.559 --> 00:19:07.059
in the beginning. How am I gonna pay for things?

00:19:07.160 --> 00:19:10.720
How am I gonna take care of my kids? What does

00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:14.619
my life look like in the future? A lot of unknowns.

00:19:14.680 --> 00:19:18.019
A lot of unknowns, yeah. And so it looked like

00:19:18.019 --> 00:19:22.240
just taking it one day at a time, crying, falling

00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:28.539
apart, getting back up again. I did have this

00:19:28.539 --> 00:19:32.160
just sense that I would be taken care of, and

00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:35.619
I really held onto that. And not knowing what

00:19:35.619 --> 00:19:38.619
that looked like. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that's a

00:19:38.619 --> 00:19:41.539
deep trust. Yeah, yeah, I'm still learning. I

00:19:41.539 --> 00:19:45.339
know, but that's a deep trust. Yeah. That's that's

00:19:45.339 --> 00:19:47.460
something that, you know, I struggle sometimes

00:19:47.460 --> 00:19:50.319
with. We had a little miracle that's happened

00:19:50.319 --> 00:19:52.359
in our family just recently that I never thought

00:19:52.359 --> 00:19:54.539
would happen, that Deb was like, I told you,

00:19:54.799 --> 00:20:00.000
you know. Anyway, it's just that's beautiful

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.059
how that works. Well, OK, so so, Nick, you're

00:20:04.059 --> 00:20:07.470
divorced and you just running and gunning. You

00:20:07.470 --> 00:20:11.930
know, for a couple years I was in denial of how

00:20:11.930 --> 00:20:14.990
bad things were really getting, you know, and

00:20:14.990 --> 00:20:19.230
putting Crystal and the kids through just total

00:20:19.230 --> 00:20:23.069
chaos. And internally, you know, it's just all

00:20:23.069 --> 00:20:28.349
chaos. And I just remember getting to a place,

00:20:28.369 --> 00:20:34.769
you know, like it was in January of 2019, and

00:20:34.769 --> 00:20:37.410
the kids had just come over. to the house, you

00:20:37.410 --> 00:20:41.410
know, and, and they, Crystal had moved out, the

00:20:41.410 --> 00:20:44.190
kids were gone, you know, and I'm trying to put

00:20:44.190 --> 00:20:46.190
something back together, you know, and I, I'm

00:20:46.190 --> 00:20:49.950
just like out of my mind and pass out and Crystal

00:20:49.950 --> 00:20:52.509
takes the kids, you know, she comes, she finds

00:20:52.509 --> 00:20:55.509
me, she wakes me up and she's like, I'm taking

00:20:55.509 --> 00:20:57.309
the kids like we're out of here, you know, and

00:20:57.309 --> 00:21:00.009
I knew it was over then, like really, really

00:21:00.009 --> 00:21:04.420
over with the kids too. And And that was really

00:21:04.420 --> 00:21:08.160
my first experience with surrender, because I

00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:10.579
surrendered to the disease. Like I was like,

00:21:10.579 --> 00:21:14.559
you know what, I'm done trying to walk this line

00:21:14.559 --> 00:21:17.240
of one foot in one world and one foot in another.

00:21:17.380 --> 00:21:19.599
Like this thing owns me and I'm tired of fighting

00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:24.440
it. So instead let's embrace it and see where

00:21:24.440 --> 00:21:26.359
it takes us. At this point, you didn't have a

00:21:26.359 --> 00:21:29.839
solution to fight it. No, no, the solution was

00:21:29.839 --> 00:21:33.690
like, Quit making poor decisions and just stop.

00:21:33.690 --> 00:21:36.990
Yeah. White knuckle it. Yeah. Yeah. And you know,

00:21:36.990 --> 00:21:39.009
it didn't matter how hard I tried. I could, I

00:21:39.009 --> 00:21:41.369
could go a couple of weeks. That was it, you

00:21:41.369 --> 00:21:46.470
know? And, and, uh, so yeah, I, um, surrendered

00:21:46.470 --> 00:21:48.809
to the disease and then it was like, you know

00:21:48.809 --> 00:21:52.130
what? I am, I hate myself so much for what I've

00:21:52.130 --> 00:21:55.990
done to my family that I want to dig a hole so

00:21:55.990 --> 00:22:00.380
deep that regardless of if I want to. It's impossible

00:22:00.380 --> 00:22:03.299
to come back from and I want to make sure that

00:22:03.299 --> 00:22:07.259
like there is no chance that the family can get

00:22:07.259 --> 00:22:11.279
back together anything, you know, and so I mean

00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:13.900
that was kind of my mindset for almost two years,

00:22:13.900 --> 00:22:19.900
you know, and then and I figured that if I dug

00:22:19.900 --> 00:22:21.799
that hole so deep, you know, either this thing

00:22:21.799 --> 00:22:24.140
was going to kill me or I'd end up in prison

00:22:24.140 --> 00:22:27.440
or you know, I would just never have to really

00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:32.269
face it and then God shows up there and gives

00:22:32.269 --> 00:22:34.450
kind of that bright light experience, pulls back

00:22:34.450 --> 00:22:36.309
the curtain a little bit and is like, hey, this

00:22:36.309 --> 00:22:39.230
is what it's gonna feel like if you continue

00:22:39.230 --> 00:22:43.589
down this road. And that's what happened to you,

00:22:43.690 --> 00:22:46.930
right? I mean, you had an experience where you

00:22:46.930 --> 00:22:50.789
actually knew you were gonna die. Yeah, I knew

00:22:50.789 --> 00:22:54.369
it, I saw it, and I felt it. And that was the

00:22:54.369 --> 00:22:57.480
thing. that was a dark dark feeling yeah that

00:22:57.480 --> 00:23:00.759
you know the only way to describe it is you know

00:23:00.759 --> 00:23:05.200
it was void of light like it yeah and it didn't

00:23:05.200 --> 00:23:07.960
matter how much i tried to numb that out after

00:23:07.960 --> 00:23:11.779
that experience you know it was about two weeks

00:23:11.779 --> 00:23:14.359
maybe not even where i was like you know what

00:23:14.359 --> 00:23:17.440
something really bad is about to happen and i

00:23:17.440 --> 00:23:20.680
gotta i gotta do something so you reached out

00:23:20.680 --> 00:23:24.220
to Some family or yeah, I reached out to family

00:23:24.220 --> 00:23:28.579
and I went You know and went to a detox place

00:23:28.579 --> 00:23:30.579
for a couple days and then I went to this place

00:23:30.579 --> 00:23:34.019
called the other side Academy and I stayed there

00:23:34.019 --> 00:23:38.900
Five or six months. Yeah, and and then made it

00:23:38.900 --> 00:23:41.640
down to Utah County, right? Okay, so let's push

00:23:41.640 --> 00:23:44.700
pause. So so you had been divorced for how long

00:23:44.700 --> 00:23:49.319
now at this point? Seven years, okay at this

00:23:49.319 --> 00:23:53.960
point No, seven years was by the end of this

00:23:53.960 --> 00:23:56.559
last summer, right before we got remarried. This

00:23:56.559 --> 00:24:00.500
was 2020. So two years. Okay. You had been divorced

00:24:00.500 --> 00:24:04.660
for a couple of years when Nick entered into

00:24:04.660 --> 00:24:08.039
the, began to enter into the solution then. Yeah.

00:24:08.539 --> 00:24:12.420
Yeah. And, um, you know, it's crazy because my

00:24:12.420 --> 00:24:16.200
journey was so guided to AA. You know, it was

00:24:16.200 --> 00:24:18.920
guided to go to this other, this other place,

00:24:19.019 --> 00:24:21.660
but this, that place was not the long -term solution

00:24:21.660 --> 00:24:23.539
for me. And I thought that it was, my family

00:24:23.539 --> 00:24:24.880
thought that it was, you know, I was supposed

00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:28.519
to stay there for 30 months. And I remember so

00:24:28.519 --> 00:24:31.859
vividly getting this overwhelming feeling that

00:24:31.859 --> 00:24:33.559
I was supposed to leave. And this is in the middle

00:24:33.559 --> 00:24:36.440
of COVID and I literally have nothing to my name

00:24:36.440 --> 00:24:40.759
anymore. And so I, Remember going and talking

00:24:40.759 --> 00:24:42.640
to the people in charge and this is one of these

00:24:42.640 --> 00:24:45.099
places It's like this prison alternative program,

00:24:45.099 --> 00:24:47.019
you know And I didn't know what I was getting

00:24:47.019 --> 00:24:49.779
myself into when I went there Because everybody

00:24:49.779 --> 00:24:52.359
who was there for the most part had been released

00:24:52.359 --> 00:24:54.700
from prison to go to this program You know and

00:24:54.700 --> 00:24:59.440
I walked in Off the streets like not knowing

00:24:59.440 --> 00:25:01.579
how intense this place was gonna be and it was

00:25:01.579 --> 00:25:04.500
exactly what I needed Because it got me to where

00:25:04.500 --> 00:25:06.079
I could function again, you know, because they

00:25:06.079 --> 00:25:08.339
just work you seven days a week you're working

00:25:08.779 --> 00:25:11.559
So I'm there and I've got this overwhelming feeling

00:25:11.559 --> 00:25:14.140
that I'm supposed to leave. And I go and I talk

00:25:14.140 --> 00:25:15.940
to the people there and they're like, man, that's

00:25:15.940 --> 00:25:17.960
just your head messing with you. Don't, you know,

00:25:17.960 --> 00:25:21.720
listen to that. And, and this Sunday afternoon,

00:25:21.720 --> 00:25:24.359
I remember it like so vividly is like four in

00:25:24.359 --> 00:25:28.380
the afternoon. And I, it, the feeling is so overwhelming

00:25:28.380 --> 00:25:31.799
that I leave and this is, um, once you leave

00:25:31.799 --> 00:25:34.359
the property, you're like done with this place.

00:25:34.619 --> 00:25:38.420
And so I leave and I'm walking down South temple.

00:25:38.640 --> 00:25:42.559
from seventh east up in salt lake and it's almost

00:25:42.559 --> 00:25:44.619
like an out of body experience where i'm watching

00:25:44.619 --> 00:25:47.319
myself and there's part of me that's like what

00:25:47.319 --> 00:25:50.940
in the world are you doing you've got no phone

00:25:50.940 --> 00:25:56.039
you have no wallet like you have no way to get

00:25:56.039 --> 00:25:59.259
anywhere you know and like you've got nothing

00:25:59.259 --> 00:26:01.619
like nobody really wants anything to do with

00:26:01.619 --> 00:26:04.339
you and now you're walking down the the road

00:26:04.339 --> 00:26:07.230
in downtown salt lake and you know, it was one

00:26:07.230 --> 00:26:08.910
of those things where I was like, I've got nowhere

00:26:08.910 --> 00:26:12.250
good to go. And so I'm trying to find a phone

00:26:12.250 --> 00:26:15.410
to use to try to get my way down to Utah County.

00:26:16.009 --> 00:26:18.130
And nobody will let me use a phone because it's

00:26:18.130 --> 00:26:20.789
like in the middle of COVID. You know, so I'm

00:26:20.789 --> 00:26:25.029
walking and I remember I get to this house where

00:26:25.029 --> 00:26:29.309
I knew the people inside, you know, and, and

00:26:29.309 --> 00:26:31.970
I remember standing at the bottom of this porch

00:26:31.970 --> 00:26:34.029
looking up at the door and I'm like, I know they

00:26:34.029 --> 00:26:36.750
got a phone in there. and this voice is like,

00:26:36.930 --> 00:26:39.170
you walk in there, you're not walking back out,

00:26:39.170 --> 00:26:42.269
you know? And so I kept going and finally walked

00:26:42.269 --> 00:26:44.349
from, I walked from Seventh East and South Temple

00:26:44.349 --> 00:26:47.670
to the Home Depot that's right next to the freeway

00:26:47.670 --> 00:26:51.130
on 2100 South before I found a phone that I could

00:26:51.130 --> 00:26:53.710
use, you know? And I called my parents and I'm

00:26:53.710 --> 00:26:56.630
like, hey, you know, I left this place, you know,

00:26:56.869 --> 00:26:59.049
I got nowhere to go. I've got nowhere good to

00:26:59.049 --> 00:27:00.890
go. I got places I can go, but there's nowhere

00:27:00.890 --> 00:27:04.450
good, you know? They reluctantly agreed to come

00:27:04.450 --> 00:27:08.630
pick me up and, and, uh, you know, I just remember

00:27:08.630 --> 00:27:12.490
thinking like, I got nothing going on. You know,

00:27:12.529 --> 00:27:16.410
it's a weird place to be in where, um, your negative

00:27:16.410 --> 00:27:18.329
momentum has come to a halt, but you don't really

00:27:18.329 --> 00:27:22.150
have any positive momentum either. And, you know,

00:27:22.150 --> 00:27:24.930
I just, you know, and that there was a series

00:27:24.930 --> 00:27:27.849
of things that happened that got me into treatment

00:27:27.849 --> 00:27:31.779
center. And then Cause then I, you know, I'd

00:27:31.779 --> 00:27:34.480
been sober like six months and, and I couldn't

00:27:34.480 --> 00:27:38.119
stay sober, you know, the insanity came back

00:27:38.119 --> 00:27:41.220
and I didn't know why I was doing what I was

00:27:41.220 --> 00:27:45.339
doing, which then led me to AA, which led me,

00:27:45.339 --> 00:27:47.460
you know, I found the big book and once I picked

00:27:47.460 --> 00:27:51.400
up the big book, everything changed for me. Yeah.

00:27:52.279 --> 00:27:55.680
So Crystal you were probably pretty aware of

00:27:55.680 --> 00:27:58.299
some of this or were you completely just totally

00:27:58.299 --> 00:28:00.579
blind to everything that was going on in Nick's

00:28:00.579 --> 00:28:02.740
life at this point? Well, I was gonna say when

00:28:02.740 --> 00:28:05.799
he was at the other side Academy like up till

00:28:05.799 --> 00:28:09.859
that point I was like Good riddance right do

00:28:09.859 --> 00:28:13.539
not bother us. Yeah, you know you go do your

00:28:13.539 --> 00:28:17.170
thing and let us just live our lives So I hadn't,

00:28:17.269 --> 00:28:20.509
we hadn't really heard from Nick. I had kind

00:28:20.509 --> 00:28:22.369
of heard little bits and pieces that, you know,

00:28:22.369 --> 00:28:25.029
he was at the Other Side Academy. And so, yeah,

00:28:25.029 --> 00:28:27.869
he'd kind of been out of our lives at this point.

00:28:28.069 --> 00:28:30.549
Yeah. Yeah. And your attitude at this point was

00:28:30.549 --> 00:28:33.230
good riddance. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gotcha.

00:28:33.630 --> 00:28:37.730
Yeah. Let us do our thing. And your kids were

00:28:37.730 --> 00:28:42.599
all with you. and they were like, dad's not well.

00:28:43.500 --> 00:28:46.140
We're gonna put our life back together and we're

00:28:46.140 --> 00:28:48.259
gonna make the best of what we've got now. Right.

00:28:48.400 --> 00:28:51.779
And I never talked badly about their dad ever

00:28:51.779 --> 00:28:54.660
either. And I think that that was kind of important.

00:28:54.859 --> 00:28:56.460
Did they know what was going on with their dad?

00:28:57.000 --> 00:29:00.539
They knew. I mean, Jack was younger. He was probably

00:29:00.539 --> 00:29:05.039
five, maybe at that point. Livy was 10. So depending,

00:29:05.180 --> 00:29:08.259
you know, I would say I would say the least amount

00:29:08.259 --> 00:29:11.039
I could and also kind of give them an idea of

00:29:11.039 --> 00:29:12.480
what was happening. And usually I would just

00:29:12.480 --> 00:29:16.180
say, you know, dad does, he's making choices

00:29:16.180 --> 00:29:20.339
that make it hard for us to be around him. He's

00:29:20.339 --> 00:29:22.339
struggling with some things, right? He's not

00:29:22.339 --> 00:29:24.279
a bad person, but he really is struggling with

00:29:24.279 --> 00:29:26.480
some things and it's hard for us to be around

00:29:26.480 --> 00:29:31.579
him. In our first interview, Nick, as you began

00:29:31.579 --> 00:29:33.859
to talk about how your relationship with Jesus

00:29:33.859 --> 00:29:36.839
Christ came about and got established, you read

00:29:36.839 --> 00:29:39.299
the Divine Gift of Forgiveness, and that book

00:29:39.299 --> 00:29:43.240
really changed the way you saw him and all of

00:29:43.240 --> 00:29:47.440
that. But in our first interview, you actually

00:29:47.440 --> 00:29:49.640
said that the only thing I can do is turn to

00:29:49.640 --> 00:29:52.579
him. The question I have for you today is how

00:29:52.579 --> 00:29:54.880
has that phrase deepened or changed as your life

00:29:54.880 --> 00:29:58.200
has expanded as a husband, as a father, as a

00:29:58.200 --> 00:30:01.880
disciple? I think that there's been like a series

00:30:01.880 --> 00:30:07.819
of big kind of turning points where, I mean,

00:30:08.140 --> 00:30:10.619
well let me back up here. I did dig a hole so

00:30:10.619 --> 00:30:13.079
deep that like I couldn't come back from it on

00:30:13.079 --> 00:30:15.299
my own. Right. I mean I, yeah. I accomplished.

00:30:15.299 --> 00:30:18.480
You were successful. It's called alcoholism and

00:30:18.480 --> 00:30:23.660
drug addiction. Yeah. And it's funny. And just

00:30:23.660 --> 00:30:25.400
hang on. And the operative word that you said

00:30:25.400 --> 00:30:28.299
there was on my own. Right. Yes. Yeah. There's

00:30:28.299 --> 00:30:30.000
none of us that can come back from that on our

00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:32.440
own. Well, and it's interesting because, you

00:30:32.440 --> 00:30:34.180
know, I was thinking about this on the way over

00:30:34.180 --> 00:30:39.500
here, you know, this idea of like, after all

00:30:39.500 --> 00:30:45.049
we can do, you know, that scripture that we're

00:30:45.049 --> 00:30:48.529
saved by. I can't even remember what it is. We're

00:30:48.529 --> 00:30:50.730
saved by grace after all we can do. It's in 2

00:30:50.730 --> 00:30:54.549
Nephi. Right, so okay, so with that, for most

00:30:54.549 --> 00:30:56.849
of my life, like when I hear that scripture,

00:30:57.049 --> 00:31:01.170
what I hear in my mind is I'm saved after all

00:31:01.170 --> 00:31:04.289
I can do. So basically I'm my own savior up until

00:31:04.289 --> 00:31:07.130
the very end after all I can do, then he makes

00:31:07.130 --> 00:31:10.089
up the difference. Where the reality is there's

00:31:10.089 --> 00:31:14.440
nothing I can do on my own. and that we do it

00:31:14.440 --> 00:31:17.980
together, he and I, the whole thing. He's there

00:31:17.980 --> 00:31:23.539
from the very beginning. And so, it's interesting,

00:31:23.599 --> 00:31:27.099
as soon as I picked up the big book, I felt like

00:31:27.099 --> 00:31:28.799
God was putting his arm around me and he's like,

00:31:28.799 --> 00:31:33.259
dude, just quit running. Just let me help you.

00:31:33.720 --> 00:31:40.200
Stop. Yeah, and then there was this idea of all

00:31:40.200 --> 00:31:45.460
that I can do is turn. I mean, like I'd look

00:31:45.460 --> 00:31:50.359
at all of the different things that have led

00:31:50.359 --> 00:31:53.279
me up to the point like where we ended up getting

00:31:53.279 --> 00:31:57.019
remarried, which seemed, it should have been

00:31:57.019 --> 00:32:00.900
an impossibility. Like there is no way that that

00:32:00.900 --> 00:32:04.140
should have ever been able to happen, you know?

00:32:05.059 --> 00:32:12.400
And so, you know, I look back at, Specifically,

00:32:12.500 --> 00:32:15.980
when I was about six months sober, I had this

00:32:15.980 --> 00:32:19.339
overwhelming feeling that I needed to develop

00:32:19.339 --> 00:32:23.759
a relationship with Christ. I would get quiet

00:32:23.759 --> 00:32:27.079
in the mornings and pray and do different things.

00:32:27.420 --> 00:32:31.400
And when I would do that, I would see this, it's

00:32:31.400 --> 00:32:36.579
really weird, but I would see this big granite

00:32:36.579 --> 00:32:40.769
structure. And it was this, you know, really

00:32:40.769 --> 00:32:43.869
cool building. And then right by it, there was

00:32:43.869 --> 00:32:46.549
an empty field that was like all staked out,

00:32:46.589 --> 00:32:48.950
ready to be built on, you know? And I would just

00:32:48.950 --> 00:32:52.470
see this like kind of over and over. And it took

00:32:52.470 --> 00:32:55.190
me a little bit to kind of figure out, you know,

00:32:55.869 --> 00:32:58.390
what I understood it to mean was that that big

00:32:58.390 --> 00:33:01.250
granite structure was like the relationship that

00:33:01.250 --> 00:33:04.750
I was building with God. The empty field was

00:33:04.750 --> 00:33:07.390
the relationship that was ready to be built.

00:33:07.529 --> 00:33:12.589
with Christ. And I thought that they were one

00:33:12.589 --> 00:33:14.369
and the same. I was like, I don't understand

00:33:14.369 --> 00:33:18.390
the difference, you know? And so, so that's when,

00:33:18.390 --> 00:33:21.730
you know, I started making the amends to the

00:33:21.730 --> 00:33:27.089
church. And then you and I started talking quite

00:33:27.089 --> 00:33:31.309
a bit and you put me onto the book, the divine

00:33:31.309 --> 00:33:35.420
gift of the forgiveness and I'm watching The

00:33:35.420 --> 00:33:42.960
Chosen and I'm going through kind of the... I'd

00:33:42.960 --> 00:33:45.500
gone into the... Met with a bishop. I'd swore

00:33:45.500 --> 00:33:47.859
I'd never go into a church, but I finally was

00:33:47.859 --> 00:33:51.559
like, okay, I can never be at peace until I make

00:33:51.559 --> 00:33:56.319
things right here. And so I just had these overwhelming

00:33:56.319 --> 00:33:58.720
feelings that there was something so big there,

00:33:58.759 --> 00:34:02.089
but it took about... probably about nine months

00:34:02.089 --> 00:34:07.170
of really dedicated work for those walls to come

00:34:07.170 --> 00:34:11.090
down. I love how you started this. You started

00:34:11.090 --> 00:34:14.269
it with the scripture in 2 Nephi 25, 23. It says

00:34:14.269 --> 00:34:17.329
we are saved by grace after all we can do, right?

00:34:18.570 --> 00:34:24.889
And one of the things that you have done as you've

00:34:24.889 --> 00:34:26.849
gone through this whole experience, and so have

00:34:26.849 --> 00:34:30.130
you, Crystal, you both have turned completely

00:34:30.130 --> 00:34:33.710
to Christ. You've just... turned completely away

00:34:33.710 --> 00:34:36.409
from your own power. Crystal, you said it. I

00:34:36.409 --> 00:34:38.210
just couldn't do it on my own. There's no way

00:34:38.210 --> 00:34:41.070
I could do it. I just needed to rely on him wholly.

00:34:41.329 --> 00:34:43.210
Nick, you said it. There's no way I could do

00:34:43.210 --> 00:34:46.849
it. I could stay quit for a couple of weeks.

00:34:46.929 --> 00:34:48.769
If you were like me, you could quit three or

00:34:48.769 --> 00:34:51.570
four or five times a day, but just couldn't stay

00:34:51.570 --> 00:34:55.369
stopped. Quit all the time. Exactly, exactly.

00:34:56.250 --> 00:35:00.190
But we turned to him, and that turning to him,

00:35:00.670 --> 00:35:03.630
has a word, and that word is repent, it's repentance.

00:35:04.849 --> 00:35:08.210
Anytime that, when we use that word repentance,

00:35:08.369 --> 00:35:13.849
you know, President Nelson really made it evident

00:35:13.849 --> 00:35:16.050
and really helped us, I think, to understand

00:35:16.050 --> 00:35:19.789
this concept better than we would have been able

00:35:19.789 --> 00:35:21.849
to otherwise without his direction for sure.

00:35:22.309 --> 00:35:24.710
But when he taught us it in the Greek, the word

00:35:24.710 --> 00:35:27.250
repentance comes from the Greek word montaneo,

00:35:27.489 --> 00:35:29.949
which means to turn back. or to turn around,

00:35:30.369 --> 00:35:33.469
or turn towards. And that whole thing that you

00:35:33.469 --> 00:35:35.789
just described is a turning back, or a turning

00:35:35.789 --> 00:35:39.889
back to Him, to your Father in heaven, to a relationship

00:35:39.889 --> 00:35:42.269
with your Father in heaven through Jesus Christ,

00:35:42.309 --> 00:35:45.550
administrated by the Holy Ghost, right? And all

00:35:45.550 --> 00:35:47.690
of those things that we talk about. We're really

00:35:47.690 --> 00:35:51.989
talking about your repentance. And I'm associating

00:35:51.989 --> 00:35:54.610
with Crystal right here, and I'm like, there's

00:35:54.610 --> 00:35:58.079
a part of her that had to change. And we use

00:35:58.079 --> 00:36:00.659
the atonement of Jesus Christ not just to repent

00:36:00.659 --> 00:36:04.519
of our sins, but to find peace in our chaos,

00:36:04.780 --> 00:36:08.780
find peace in our mess, find peace. I want to

00:36:08.780 --> 00:36:12.480
hear from Crystal on what that looked like in

00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:16.940
your world. Because, you know, as Nick is walking

00:36:16.940 --> 00:36:20.949
along his path, You have a totally different

00:36:20.949 --> 00:36:25.269
path. You're experiencing a lot of different

00:36:25.269 --> 00:36:29.230
things. I mean, and this is where I think it's

00:36:29.230 --> 00:36:31.570
important with the question you just asked, but

00:36:31.570 --> 00:36:34.929
how then did it come back together? Because I

00:36:34.929 --> 00:36:38.050
think it's critical for our listeners to hear,

00:36:38.969 --> 00:36:41.250
where was Crystal and the kids during all of

00:36:41.250 --> 00:36:44.530
this? What did you do to put food on your table?

00:36:44.650 --> 00:36:47.030
What did you do to make sure that your kids were

00:36:47.030 --> 00:36:49.730
provided for and taken care of? You had, you

00:36:49.730 --> 00:36:53.329
know, an ex -husband now that wasn't taking kids

00:36:53.329 --> 00:36:56.110
every other weekend or spending time with them,

00:36:56.269 --> 00:37:01.050
but you had a whole new world that you were juggling.

00:37:01.730 --> 00:37:04.880
Yeah. I approached it. there were moments of

00:37:04.880 --> 00:37:07.199
real clarity and moments of real chaos throughout

00:37:07.199 --> 00:37:09.519
the whole thing. And I just remember thinking

00:37:09.519 --> 00:37:12.059
I will be a different person on the other side

00:37:12.059 --> 00:37:14.920
of this. I can either be resentful and angry

00:37:14.920 --> 00:37:18.340
and frustrated, or I can be wise. I can have

00:37:18.340 --> 00:37:21.659
more depth and I can have more compassion. And

00:37:21.659 --> 00:37:23.639
who do I, who do I want to be? Right. And I wanted

00:37:23.639 --> 00:37:25.880
to be the second person. So that was kind of

00:37:25.880 --> 00:37:30.239
how I approached it. I relied so much on my family.

00:37:30.539 --> 00:37:37.360
I like, I could Cry yeah Yeah, you just you need

00:37:37.360 --> 00:37:41.500
people and you you realize that when you are

00:37:41.500 --> 00:37:43.199
like you're talking about I felt like I was in

00:37:43.199 --> 00:37:45.039
that deep hole right like when you're like I

00:37:45.039 --> 00:37:48.280
have nobody Nobody that really understands right

00:37:48.280 --> 00:37:52.539
and so you realize how much you need People and

00:37:52.539 --> 00:37:54.880
my family really did just rally around me and

00:37:54.880 --> 00:37:59.389
my kids and I'll be forever grateful I remember

00:37:59.389 --> 00:38:01.610
thinking about the atonement too. And I, and

00:38:01.610 --> 00:38:03.829
I thought about it a little bit different than

00:38:03.829 --> 00:38:07.769
Nick did. I thought like, yeah, how am I going

00:38:07.769 --> 00:38:09.750
to pay for my car payment? How am I going to

00:38:09.750 --> 00:38:12.230
pay for kids sports? And how am I going to pay

00:38:12.230 --> 00:38:15.769
for clothes for school and all that stuff? I,

00:38:15.769 --> 00:38:19.329
I was going back to school to, um, because I

00:38:19.329 --> 00:38:21.050
was like, I got to figure out how I'm going to

00:38:21.050 --> 00:38:22.670
support my family. So I went back to school,

00:38:22.670 --> 00:38:25.010
uh, for clinical mental health counseling. And

00:38:25.010 --> 00:38:30.269
I took that. took me a long time. But there was

00:38:30.269 --> 00:38:31.750
a lesson because I was going to BYU and they

00:38:31.750 --> 00:38:33.730
were talking about the atonement and it was,

00:38:35.409 --> 00:38:39.670
the way that I approached it was I can put forth

00:38:39.670 --> 00:38:42.750
the effort that I have, but I really am going

00:38:42.750 --> 00:38:46.469
to need God to step in and support me, like show

00:38:46.469 --> 00:38:49.690
me the miracles in my life. Make up the difference,

00:38:50.030 --> 00:38:53.389
right? So that was how I approached the atonement.

00:38:54.539 --> 00:38:57.880
And it's funny because we're kind of doing similar

00:38:57.880 --> 00:39:00.599
things, but in a, we approached it a little bit

00:39:00.599 --> 00:39:05.860
different. So I just, and this is where my, I

00:39:05.860 --> 00:39:07.320
don't know, this is what I'm still trying to

00:39:07.320 --> 00:39:10.659
balance out, honestly, but I would get up and

00:39:10.659 --> 00:39:15.900
I would work like crazy. I just was scrappy and

00:39:15.900 --> 00:39:19.159
I did anything and everything I could do. I was

00:39:19.159 --> 00:39:21.300
decorating Christmas trees. I was cleaning houses.

00:39:21.420 --> 00:39:24.239
I was baking for people. I was like anything

00:39:24.239 --> 00:39:30.119
I could do. Um, and at the end of the day, I

00:39:30.119 --> 00:39:33.920
always, we always had our needs met, right? And,

00:39:34.300 --> 00:39:41.820
um, and I just, I just was, I just took God by

00:39:41.820 --> 00:39:43.800
the hand and was like, I just need you to be

00:39:43.800 --> 00:39:45.780
here with me, help me get through it. I don't

00:39:45.780 --> 00:39:48.159
know what the next day looks like, but help me.

00:39:48.179 --> 00:39:49.900
So there's this back and forth pull between like,

00:39:49.900 --> 00:39:52.179
I can do it. And then moments where I'm like,

00:39:52.199 --> 00:39:54.579
I can't do this. And then I back off and let

00:39:54.579 --> 00:39:58.300
God help me. So I'm still navigating that quite

00:39:58.300 --> 00:40:02.320
frankly, but yeah, that's, that was kind of my

00:40:02.320 --> 00:40:05.880
side of it. So then, then you're, you're in your

00:40:05.880 --> 00:40:10.079
world. making ends meet, providing for your children.

00:40:10.539 --> 00:40:14.679
And now Nick is now in recovery. And when did

00:40:14.679 --> 00:40:17.920
you guys start talking again? When did you guys

00:40:17.920 --> 00:40:21.179
start connecting again? Or even having any kind

00:40:21.179 --> 00:40:25.119
of connection or conversation? Yeah, it was awkward

00:40:25.119 --> 00:40:29.599
at first. For sure. For sure. He would go over

00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:32.659
to his family's house for mainly holidays, right?

00:40:32.659 --> 00:40:36.190
And the kids and I would come. because they the

00:40:36.190 --> 00:40:38.269
kids had a really great relationship with their

00:40:38.269 --> 00:40:41.710
grandparents and uh so we would stand there side

00:40:41.710 --> 00:40:44.090
by side with our arms folded like how's it going

00:40:44.090 --> 00:40:48.769
you know like it just was awkward at first but

00:40:48.769 --> 00:40:51.170
i don't know do you want to kind of tell how

00:40:51.170 --> 00:40:58.329
we yeah um yeah it was kind of awkward but it

00:40:58.329 --> 00:41:00.909
you know it was something i remember i was in

00:41:00.909 --> 00:41:05.300
treatment and my therapist was like What are

00:41:05.300 --> 00:41:08.260
your goals as a father? What are your goals?

00:41:08.699 --> 00:41:13.199
Where do you see things? And I was like, I don't

00:41:13.199 --> 00:41:17.019
see the path forward of how to have any type

00:41:17.019 --> 00:41:20.860
of relationship with my kids outside of holidays

00:41:20.860 --> 00:41:26.760
and birthdays. And then diving in, walking this

00:41:26.760 --> 00:41:30.429
path of recovery and really... diving into the

00:41:30.429 --> 00:41:33.090
men's process and how to make things right, you

00:41:33.090 --> 00:41:38.730
know, and, and, uh, and I remember, um, I was

00:41:38.730 --> 00:41:42.230
probably, this was about three years ago, this

00:41:42.230 --> 00:41:46.809
overwhelming feeling that like you've got, like

00:41:46.809 --> 00:41:48.829
there's unfinished business with your family,

00:41:49.110 --> 00:41:51.010
you know, and, and like, you've got to try to

00:41:51.010 --> 00:41:53.110
put your family back together. And I just remember

00:41:53.110 --> 00:41:57.340
thinking like, okay, God, I don't even understand

00:41:57.340 --> 00:41:59.039
what that looks like because I don't understand

00:41:59.039 --> 00:42:03.380
how to even go about that, you know, and so I

00:42:03.380 --> 00:42:06.480
really started taking it into like kind of, you

00:42:06.480 --> 00:42:08.960
know, prayer, meditation, writing. I do a lot

00:42:08.960 --> 00:42:11.739
of writing in the morning and reading and, and

00:42:11.739 --> 00:42:15.440
just doing things, trying to get direction. I

00:42:15.440 --> 00:42:18.940
remember the first thought was like, okay, take

00:42:18.940 --> 00:42:22.019
all of your effort and put it into your kids,

00:42:22.400 --> 00:42:26.380
cut all of the distraction out. So basically

00:42:26.380 --> 00:42:29.039
it was like, okay, God, I'm going to give you

00:42:29.039 --> 00:42:33.519
all of my spare time in AA and doing service

00:42:33.519 --> 00:42:35.800
and trying to help others. I'm going to cut out

00:42:35.800 --> 00:42:38.079
all the social, I'm going to cut out all the

00:42:38.079 --> 00:42:43.000
noise. And so anytime I'm not with my family,

00:42:43.920 --> 00:42:46.780
this is what I'm going to do. And you just, you

00:42:46.780 --> 00:42:49.159
open the doors and I'll walk through them. But

00:42:49.159 --> 00:42:52.159
I don't even know how to go about this. And so

00:42:52.159 --> 00:42:55.820
the first... thought was like, okay, give, give

00:42:55.820 --> 00:42:58.320
your kids all your time and effort, you know,

00:42:58.360 --> 00:43:00.539
and kids were playing sports, you know, and I

00:43:00.539 --> 00:43:03.440
was seeing them like once a week for, I don't

00:43:03.440 --> 00:43:06.519
know, a couple hours or something. And then I

00:43:06.519 --> 00:43:09.800
had this, you know, this thought of like, act

00:43:09.800 --> 00:43:12.159
as if you're married. And I was like, I don't

00:43:12.159 --> 00:43:14.000
even understand what that means. You know, I

00:43:14.000 --> 00:43:15.820
remember writing it out and looking at it. I

00:43:15.820 --> 00:43:17.340
was like, that doesn't even make sense to me,

00:43:17.340 --> 00:43:20.519
but it was be home when they're home, be available.

00:43:21.000 --> 00:43:25.650
Like even though you're you're at in a different

00:43:25.650 --> 00:43:28.469
city, you know, align your life with theirs.

00:43:28.949 --> 00:43:33.429
So I started doing this and it's crazy what happened

00:43:33.429 --> 00:43:36.289
after, you know, like a month or two of doing

00:43:36.289 --> 00:43:38.010
this, kids were playing sports and different

00:43:38.010 --> 00:43:42.110
things. And all of a sudden, like I'm with them

00:43:42.110 --> 00:43:44.610
like four days a week, you know, and Crystal

00:43:44.610 --> 00:43:46.090
had called me and she was like, I don't know

00:43:46.090 --> 00:43:48.170
how we're going to do this. Like I've got my

00:43:48.170 --> 00:43:53.059
work schedules changed. And, and so Thankfully,

00:43:53.059 --> 00:43:55.760
I've got a job, you know, that is really, you

00:43:55.760 --> 00:43:57.659
know, the people I work with are in recovery

00:43:57.659 --> 00:43:59.199
and they were like, you can do what you got to

00:43:59.199 --> 00:44:00.920
do with your family. And so all of a sudden I'm

00:44:00.920 --> 00:44:04.079
driving from Springville up to South Jordan,

00:44:04.099 --> 00:44:07.559
you know, two, three times a week to pick the

00:44:07.559 --> 00:44:10.219
kids up from school or wherever, take them to

00:44:10.219 --> 00:44:12.500
practice, wait while they're at practice, bring

00:44:12.500 --> 00:44:16.039
them home, stop, get food, you know, and, and

00:44:16.039 --> 00:44:18.840
then on the weekends we're starting to go and

00:44:18.840 --> 00:44:22.760
like, do things that are fun, like float the

00:44:22.760 --> 00:44:27.300
river and go paddle boarding and just looking

00:44:27.300 --> 00:44:30.440
for different ways to connect. And about this

00:44:30.440 --> 00:44:34.059
time, Crystal started to come with us on some

00:44:34.059 --> 00:44:38.420
of these activities, which was really interesting,

00:44:38.820 --> 00:44:43.039
because I just had this overwhelming feeling

00:44:43.039 --> 00:44:47.000
of like, don't... Talk to her about any of these

00:44:47.000 --> 00:44:49.260
things just show up, you know show up the way

00:44:49.260 --> 00:44:52.239
that regardless of whatever happens like show

00:44:52.239 --> 00:44:55.320
up the way that that you feel you need to show

00:44:55.320 --> 00:45:01.719
up for your family and and then I remember it

00:45:01.719 --> 00:45:03.679
was the 4th of July a couple years ago on the

00:45:03.679 --> 00:45:06.500
4th of July. She called me up and she was like,

00:45:06.500 --> 00:45:10.139
hey, I feel like I am Like I keep trying to go

00:45:10.139 --> 00:45:12.960
out on dates, but every time I go to like reply

00:45:12.960 --> 00:45:15.760
to somebody get this overwhelming feeling that

00:45:15.760 --> 00:45:17.860
like maybe you and I should get back together,

00:45:18.199 --> 00:45:20.539
you know, and I just remember like my jaw like

00:45:20.539 --> 00:45:24.380
hitting the floor of like I Can't believe like

00:45:24.380 --> 00:45:27.619
this God stuff is like really working, you know

00:45:27.619 --> 00:45:30.039
Because I'm following all of these ideas that

00:45:30.039 --> 00:45:32.739
to me feel a little crazy and I talked to my

00:45:32.739 --> 00:45:34.619
friends and different people and they're like

00:45:34.619 --> 00:45:37.199
Yeah, good luck buddy. Like I don't think she's

00:45:37.199 --> 00:45:40.119
ever gonna get back together with you You know,

00:45:40.119 --> 00:45:44.340
it was a couple years of of her kind of coming

00:45:44.340 --> 00:45:46.920
close and then pulling away and being like, whoa,

00:45:47.119 --> 00:45:50.860
you know, and just kind of being able to, to

00:45:50.860 --> 00:45:53.559
walk through those things and still just show

00:45:53.559 --> 00:45:56.460
up authentically of what I feel the right way

00:45:56.460 --> 00:46:00.099
I want to show up, you know, regardless of any

00:46:00.099 --> 00:46:02.639
outcomes. Yeah. What was going through your mind,

00:46:02.940 --> 00:46:05.409
Crystal? I mean, when all of this was happening

00:46:05.409 --> 00:46:07.489
and all of a sudden he starts showing up and

00:46:07.489 --> 00:46:09.150
all of a sudden you're doing fun things, you're

00:46:09.150 --> 00:46:12.130
like, wait, I don't want to be left out. Where

00:46:12.130 --> 00:46:16.260
are you at with all of this? Yeah, he he just

00:46:16.260 --> 00:46:19.059
started showing up differently. Right. And I

00:46:19.059 --> 00:46:22.079
think it was that he never pressured me for any.

00:46:22.380 --> 00:46:25.440
He just showed up when I needed him. It was yes,

00:46:25.699 --> 00:46:28.460
no matter how inconvenient it was. Right. And

00:46:28.460 --> 00:46:31.880
that meant a lot to me as a, you know, like at

00:46:31.880 --> 00:46:35.550
this time, the kids and I were We were living

00:46:35.550 --> 00:46:38.889
my parents have a house that they are they live

00:46:38.889 --> 00:46:40.389
at sometimes, but they were in st George So it's

00:46:40.389 --> 00:46:43.050
just me and the kids and in the house And so

00:46:43.050 --> 00:46:46.809
I'm working full -time trying to manage everything

00:46:46.809 --> 00:46:49.010
and it was in your area So I didn't know a lot

00:46:49.010 --> 00:46:51.449
of the people it was another moment where I was

00:46:51.449 --> 00:46:53.670
like Heavenly father you need some help like

00:46:53.670 --> 00:46:55.449
how am I gonna do this? And I remember I think

00:46:55.449 --> 00:46:56.869
I just talked to Nick about and he's like I'll

00:46:56.869 --> 00:46:59.630
be there What do you need like you need to me

00:46:59.630 --> 00:47:01.710
to pick up the kids from school? I'm there you

00:47:01.710 --> 00:47:03.389
need him to get to practice. I'm there and I

00:47:03.389 --> 00:47:08.320
just I just remember just being so grateful and

00:47:08.320 --> 00:47:11.159
I was like, this is a different person. Who is

00:47:11.159 --> 00:47:15.920
this person? You know? And then yeah, they were

00:47:15.920 --> 00:47:17.500
doing fun things and I was like, I want to go

00:47:17.500 --> 00:47:19.920
float the river. Heck yeah. Of course I want

00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:22.940
to go. They're having fun with him and I want

00:47:22.940 --> 00:47:25.780
to have fun too. Right. And so then we would

00:47:25.780 --> 00:47:28.519
be together and I was like, everybody's laughing

00:47:28.519 --> 00:47:31.960
and having fun. And I, I know it was, it was

00:47:31.960 --> 00:47:34.280
a transition for the kids to kind of get used

00:47:34.280 --> 00:47:36.840
to it all. But in those moments when we're all

00:47:36.840 --> 00:47:40.139
together and enjoying the experience and Nick's

00:47:40.139 --> 00:47:42.469
really big about like, let's have an experience.

00:47:42.969 --> 00:47:45.289
I can't do much, but like, what can we do to

00:47:45.289 --> 00:47:48.849
create an experience with a family? And it just

00:47:48.849 --> 00:47:52.070
was like, this is it. This is what I want. This

00:47:52.070 --> 00:47:54.510
is what I've always wanted, you know? Did you

00:47:54.510 --> 00:47:59.010
ever think you would say those words? When I

00:47:59.010 --> 00:48:00.730
said it the first, I was like, I'm like coughing

00:48:00.730 --> 00:48:04.150
it out. It took me a while to say it. And then

00:48:04.150 --> 00:48:06.769
as soon as I did, I was like, oh. Like, hold

00:48:06.769 --> 00:48:08.969
on, I didn't mean like that, you know. Anyway.

00:48:08.969 --> 00:48:13.510
Look, Crystal, there was a lot of betrayal on

00:48:13.510 --> 00:48:16.510
a lot of levels. Right. Right. How did forgiveness

00:48:16.510 --> 00:48:22.369
come for you? Okay, so this is interesting because...

00:48:22.369 --> 00:48:28.309
So, Nick has another daughter that came into

00:48:28.309 --> 00:48:33.820
the picture, right? And she's... She's five years

00:48:33.820 --> 00:48:38.340
old now. She's just the cutest. And I remember

00:48:38.340 --> 00:48:42.239
Nick, I think part of your amends was coming

00:48:42.239 --> 00:48:46.880
and telling the kids and I about your daughter.

00:48:47.360 --> 00:48:50.659
I remember that day. Do you? Yeah. I remember

00:48:50.659 --> 00:48:55.730
thinking, well good, this is yours too. worry

00:48:55.730 --> 00:48:58.510
about, right? Good luck. This will be good for

00:48:58.510 --> 00:49:02.289
you. Because we weren't really dating at that

00:49:02.289 --> 00:49:08.489
point. But the closer we got and the more I thought

00:49:08.489 --> 00:49:11.150
about that, as I would say my prayers at night,

00:49:11.909 --> 00:49:16.110
I would pray for my family and praying for Nick

00:49:16.110 --> 00:49:20.170
was a little hard at times, right? And so there

00:49:20.170 --> 00:49:22.949
were moments when something would catch within

00:49:22.949 --> 00:49:25.460
me. but I'm like, I want to be able to pray for

00:49:25.460 --> 00:49:28.840
him. I want to be able to pray for him and really

00:49:28.840 --> 00:49:33.739
be honest about, bless him, right? And I had

00:49:33.739 --> 00:49:37.579
that same thing with Alex. Alex is the five year

00:49:37.579 --> 00:49:41.800
old. Alex is the five year old, yep. And I remember

00:49:41.800 --> 00:49:46.079
just praying for her and it was harder at first,

00:49:46.260 --> 00:49:51.000
but there was a moment where I prayed over my

00:49:51.000 --> 00:49:54.500
whole family and there was just this, Peace right

00:49:54.500 --> 00:49:58.980
and I really just wish All the best for Nick

00:49:58.980 --> 00:50:01.679
and for Alex and for my kids and everybody right

00:50:01.679 --> 00:50:04.679
that I didn't get that catch in my stomach anymore

00:50:04.679 --> 00:50:08.739
and so I think it just was a it was a process

00:50:08.739 --> 00:50:12.880
it was an intentional process and again, I think

00:50:12.880 --> 00:50:15.400
it's a relationship with God where it's like

00:50:15.400 --> 00:50:18.639
God I need you to help me here. I need you to

00:50:18.920 --> 00:50:22.320
to just let me love in the way that I want to

00:50:22.320 --> 00:50:24.280
be able to love here, right? Again, I could cry

00:50:24.280 --> 00:50:27.019
because it's hard when you see yourself as a

00:50:27.019 --> 00:50:29.599
loving kind person, but something catches in

00:50:29.599 --> 00:50:33.320
you and you're like, I don't like this, you know?

00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:36.340
And then to be able to overcome that, move through

00:50:36.340 --> 00:50:38.019
that and get to a place where you actually can

00:50:38.019 --> 00:50:41.360
feel that peace come in. I mean, that's a gift.

00:50:41.659 --> 00:50:47.360
And so the forgiveness was a process and it's

00:50:47.360 --> 00:50:52.460
easier. when Nick shows up and he shows up like

00:50:52.460 --> 00:50:56.019
nobody I've ever seen. And I see him and his

00:50:56.019 --> 00:50:58.500
relationship with God. It's really a cool thing

00:50:58.500 --> 00:51:03.119
to see. I learn a lot from him. So that's kind

00:51:03.119 --> 00:51:06.760
of my process. What a tender, sweet miracle that

00:51:06.760 --> 00:51:09.860
you were able to experience through that. It

00:51:09.860 --> 00:51:13.340
was definitely a miracle. Yeah, I mean literally.

00:51:13.559 --> 00:51:18.650
And sweet, yeah. So sweet, so sweet. Crystal,

00:51:18.989 --> 00:51:20.869
what would you tell a wife or a husband who's

00:51:20.869 --> 00:51:22.650
holding on to hope but feels like they're all

00:51:22.650 --> 00:51:28.130
alone? Oh gosh, surrender. Quit swimming? Quit

00:51:28.130 --> 00:51:32.429
swimming, yes. And you know what? I know that

00:51:32.429 --> 00:51:34.110
there are moments when you surrender and you're

00:51:34.110 --> 00:51:35.909
praying and you feel like the answers don't come.

00:51:37.170 --> 00:51:41.730
Surrender again, right? Just take that next step

00:51:41.730 --> 00:51:46.019
and then the next step. and things start to fall

00:51:46.019 --> 00:51:50.559
into place, but there's so much about just surrendering

00:51:50.559 --> 00:51:54.599
and trusting. God is definitely gonna guide you,

00:51:54.619 --> 00:51:57.099
even if it feels painful sometimes. And if we

00:51:57.099 --> 00:51:59.579
allow him, like Isaiah tells us, he'll turn,

00:52:00.500 --> 00:52:02.480
make beauty for ashes, and he thinks that's what

00:52:02.480 --> 00:52:06.079
he's done with you guys. Yes. Nick, what would

00:52:06.079 --> 00:52:08.400
you tell someone who thinks it's too late, they've

00:52:08.400 --> 00:52:12.789
gone too far, there's too much damage? That's

00:52:12.789 --> 00:52:16.809
the perfect place to start. You know, once you've

00:52:16.809 --> 00:52:20.250
got the fight beat out of you, that's where God

00:52:20.250 --> 00:52:23.409
does his best work. That's exactly right. I love

00:52:23.409 --> 00:52:25.789
that you're grinning ear to ear with that answer.

00:52:26.550 --> 00:52:29.230
Cause we all, I think we all have felt that to

00:52:29.230 --> 00:52:31.650
a certain degree and it's like, you are 100 %

00:52:31.650 --> 00:52:34.650
accurate. Me being a control freak, it's like,

00:52:34.769 --> 00:52:38.230
I just remember, you know, that space of, oh,

00:52:38.510 --> 00:52:43.360
I have just got to let go. and give up the fight.

00:52:43.599 --> 00:52:46.219
So I love that answer. You know what was so hard

00:52:46.219 --> 00:52:48.739
for me about letting go though, is when I let

00:52:48.739 --> 00:52:51.159
go, then I feel like that I can't control the

00:52:51.159 --> 00:52:53.019
outcome. I wanna control the outcome. Of course

00:52:53.019 --> 00:52:56.360
you do. I want the outcome to look a certain

00:52:56.360 --> 00:52:58.460
way, and if I turn it over to God, even though

00:52:58.460 --> 00:53:00.579
I know God's gonna have a better outcome than

00:53:00.579 --> 00:53:02.679
I'll ever have, the fact that I don't know what

00:53:02.679 --> 00:53:06.119
that outcome is freaks me out. Until you have

00:53:06.119 --> 00:53:09.260
an experience with God. Even after I've had plenty

00:53:09.260 --> 00:53:11.400
of those experiences and I still sometimes have

00:53:11.400 --> 00:53:12.500
that. And he takes you through those places.

00:53:13.139 --> 00:53:15.699
I feel like, because I remember those moments

00:53:15.699 --> 00:53:18.059
that I was like, okay, this is bigger than me.

00:53:18.199 --> 00:53:20.699
I will never see this again. I will never do

00:53:20.699 --> 00:53:23.099
that again or whatever. And then God somehow

00:53:23.099 --> 00:53:26.000
just abundantly blesses you and transforms your

00:53:26.000 --> 00:53:28.659
life and you're like, okay, I did not see that

00:53:28.659 --> 00:53:32.239
coming at all. I couldn't have orchestrated that

00:53:32.239 --> 00:53:35.710
myself. I've had a pretty cool purview of this

00:53:35.710 --> 00:53:40.170
little conjoining again here. Miracle. It's so

00:53:40.170 --> 00:53:42.590
cool. I just love it so much. I appreciate you

00:53:42.590 --> 00:53:44.510
guys being willing to come and be with us tonight

00:53:44.510 --> 00:53:48.050
again and do this. I just wanna know from each

00:53:48.050 --> 00:53:50.949
one of you, and I'll ask you first, Crystal,

00:53:50.989 --> 00:53:53.050
and then you, Nick, but when you look back on

00:53:53.050 --> 00:53:55.210
your journey, when you've gone through this darkness,

00:53:55.429 --> 00:53:58.489
through surrender like you've talked about, all

00:53:58.489 --> 00:54:00.670
up into this point, what do you guys want others

00:54:00.670 --> 00:54:04.960
to know about Jesus Christ? This is such a big

00:54:04.960 --> 00:54:08.199
question because it's so personal for everybody

00:54:08.199 --> 00:54:11.920
But I would just I would want people to know

00:54:11.920 --> 00:54:15.239
that they're not alone That they're not alone

00:54:15.239 --> 00:54:19.679
How about you Nick? Jesus Likes to get his hands

00:54:19.679 --> 00:54:23.639
dirty I felt him in the in places where I would

00:54:23.639 --> 00:54:26.179
never think that that's where he would be hanging

00:54:26.179 --> 00:54:29.300
out, you know, and he likes to he likes to get

00:54:29.300 --> 00:54:31.880
down in the dirt with people, you know and I

00:54:31.880 --> 00:54:34.699
think that it all begins with some honesty, you

00:54:34.699 --> 00:54:36.980
know, and especially the people who are struggling.

00:54:38.019 --> 00:54:40.739
Man, just get honest, get honest out loud, you

00:54:40.739 --> 00:54:42.980
know, get angry, say whatever you got to say,

00:54:43.579 --> 00:54:46.500
but, but, you know, start the conversation with

00:54:46.500 --> 00:54:51.369
him. You know, that opens the door. I love that.

00:54:52.030 --> 00:54:54.710
One of my favorite scriptures, Matthew 11, 28,

00:54:54.969 --> 00:54:56.789
come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy

00:54:56.789 --> 00:54:59.710
laden, and I will give you rest. And I think

00:54:59.710 --> 00:55:02.329
that's what he's done. It does require us to

00:55:02.329 --> 00:55:05.050
come unto him. Again, that's our repentance process.

00:55:05.110 --> 00:55:08.889
The other day in sacrament meeting, we were singing

00:55:08.889 --> 00:55:11.369
the hymn, I Stand All Amazed, and you know the

00:55:11.369 --> 00:55:14.130
second verse where it says, I marvel that he

00:55:14.130 --> 00:55:18.230
would descend from his throne divine to rescue

00:55:18.230 --> 00:55:22.150
a soul so rebellious. proud as mine and and you

00:55:22.150 --> 00:55:25.010
know Nick and I I think you know it's easy to

00:55:25.010 --> 00:55:27.969
wear that label proud and rebellious because

00:55:27.969 --> 00:55:30.610
of the alcoholism and the and the other things

00:55:30.610 --> 00:55:33.650
but even for all of us you know whether it's

00:55:33.650 --> 00:55:36.469
control whether it's a situation where we're

00:55:36.469 --> 00:55:39.190
just feeling like we're in despair or whatever

00:55:39.190 --> 00:55:44.389
but we all have a deep deep dependence on Jesus

00:55:44.389 --> 00:55:46.530
Christ and what he's done for us and and I'm

00:55:46.530 --> 00:55:48.969
grateful to know that today you know as you were

00:55:48.969 --> 00:55:51.550
talking about this I thought about Christ in

00:55:51.550 --> 00:55:56.309
Gethsemane and how he he fell below all things

00:55:56.309 --> 00:55:59.389
and I just think of the pain that I went through

00:55:59.389 --> 00:56:03.789
and intensified by the pain that all of us have

00:56:03.789 --> 00:56:07.929
experienced like every single human that has

00:56:07.929 --> 00:56:11.130
been or that will be and that he knows what that

00:56:11.130 --> 00:56:14.150
feels like he came here to suffer that, to feel

00:56:14.150 --> 00:56:17.630
it, to know it, and to get dirty with it for

00:56:17.630 --> 00:56:20.389
the simple facts so he could sucker us in our

00:56:20.389 --> 00:56:22.710
pain, in our afflictions, in our addictions,

00:56:22.989 --> 00:56:26.670
in our dirt, in our holes, in our tornadoes,

00:56:26.690 --> 00:56:30.590
whatever it is that we have. And I am so grateful

00:56:30.590 --> 00:56:34.650
today to know that. And it makes me see things

00:56:34.650 --> 00:56:38.309
very differently when I see the world in chaos

00:56:38.309 --> 00:56:43.170
and I see people going into churches and murdering

00:56:43.170 --> 00:56:46.889
people, and I think he suffered below that. He

00:56:46.889 --> 00:56:50.010
suffered, he knows what that murderer felt like,

00:56:50.010 --> 00:56:52.710
he knew what those victims felt like, he knows

00:56:52.710 --> 00:56:56.190
it all. And I love what you said, you're not

00:56:56.190 --> 00:56:59.650
alone. No matter what side of the pendulum you're

00:56:59.650 --> 00:57:02.170
on, whether you're the perpetrator or the victim,

00:57:02.550 --> 00:57:06.409
he suffered it all, he knows it all. He came

00:57:06.409 --> 00:57:11.480
here and felt all of that. That is just so impactful

00:57:11.480 --> 00:57:16.320
for me to just remember that. And on Sundays

00:57:16.320 --> 00:57:20.380
when we go and partake of the sacrament and think

00:57:20.380 --> 00:57:23.840
about that bruised, broken and torn bread and

00:57:23.840 --> 00:57:26.579
ingest that inside of me, it's like, please let

00:57:26.579 --> 00:57:30.239
me feel this. Please let me drink this and partake

00:57:30.239 --> 00:57:34.119
of the atonement of Jesus Christ because it's

00:57:34.119 --> 00:57:39.760
real. It's so real. And that's when we feel what

00:57:39.760 --> 00:57:42.280
Crystal talked about in the very beginning when

00:57:42.280 --> 00:57:45.880
I just had to rely on him for everything. Because

00:57:45.880 --> 00:57:48.920
that everything comes to us by way of the Holy

00:57:48.920 --> 00:57:51.719
Ghost whether that's through other people or

00:57:51.719 --> 00:57:55.519
not. It's by way of the Holy Ghost and I'm grateful

00:57:55.519 --> 00:57:58.500
to know that too. As we just kind of wrap things

00:57:58.500 --> 00:58:00.500
up today, we just want to say that wherever you

00:58:00.500 --> 00:58:02.420
are, however you're feeling, you're welcome here.

00:58:02.420 --> 00:58:04.800
Jesus isn't just waiting for you to clean everything

00:58:04.800 --> 00:58:08.059
up before you come to him. He meets us in the

00:58:08.059 --> 00:58:11.059
middle of our dirt, our mess. He gets down and

00:58:11.059 --> 00:58:14.000
dirty. That's where his grace shines the brightest.

00:58:14.599 --> 00:58:17.780
So come as you are, broken, hopeful, torn, questioning,

00:58:18.480 --> 00:58:21.050
searching. Just like Crystal said, you are not

00:58:21.050 --> 00:58:25.050
alone. Don't forget to send us your questions,

00:58:26.449 --> 00:58:29.110
your ideas, whatever it is. He redeems us at

00:58:29.110 --> 00:58:32.329
gmail .com. We love to get those. We try to respond

00:58:32.329 --> 00:58:34.469
to every one of them. In fact, we do. And if

00:58:34.469 --> 00:58:37.010
this episode touched your heart like it did mine,

00:58:37.449 --> 00:58:39.489
we hope that you'll share it with someone you

00:58:39.489 --> 00:58:43.980
love, a family. a friend, anyone who could use

00:58:43.980 --> 00:58:46.260
a little bit more hope right now. Next week we're

00:58:46.260 --> 00:58:49.039
gonna continue to talk about how the Savior doesn't

00:58:49.039 --> 00:58:51.800
just redeem us, He heals us, He lifts us, He

00:58:51.800 --> 00:58:54.159
transforms us, He does it in our everyday lives.

00:58:54.960 --> 00:58:57.119
Thanks for being with us, Crystal and Nick and

00:58:57.119 --> 00:58:59.480
all of our listeners. And remember, there's always

00:58:59.480 --> 00:59:02.059
hope through Him because you have been redeemed

00:59:02.059 --> 00:59:04.420
through His blood. Thanks for being with us,

00:59:04.420 --> 00:59:05.800
everybody. We'll see you next time.