1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,440 All right. Hi, this is Leslie and I am the host of the Why Not Today podcast. And this 2 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:14,960 podcast is to celebrate people who have been courageous and said, Why Not Today? I started 3 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:21,080 this podcast in honor of my father, Patrick Cain, who often said, Why Not Today? I am 4 00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:25,480 based in Reston, Virginia, a plain community outside of Reston or outside of Washington, 5 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:30,880 D.C. And in my full-time world, I am actually sales director with Mary Kay, but this has 6 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:37,320 been a fun adventure to meet new people and share Why Not Today stories. So thank you 7 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:42,400 for joining me. Today I am excited to have my guest, Joe Meyer, and he is from Shelter 8 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:46,960 House, which we will talk about in a minute. And I always like to talk about connections 9 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:52,000 and, you know, you never know where you are going to meet somebody. And because of Mary 10 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:58,440 Kay's involvement in, we have a charitable foundation involved in domestic violence. 11 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:03,080 And I went to a chamber event, met somebody named Jolie, and I don't even remember her 12 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:07,560 last name. And she said, Oh my gosh, the Mission of Mary Kay is in the line of the Shelter 13 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,880 House. Now, I never heard of Shelter House. And we'll talk a little bit more about that 14 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:18,440 too. But then she connected me to Danny, who worked at Artemis House, who then connected 15 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:22,600 me to Joe, and we've done lots of things together. And so I'm super excited to have Joe to kind 16 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:28,080 of share his story, but also share the story of Shelter House and the courage that goes 17 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:34,840 along with having hard times in your life. So welcome, Joe, and I'm excited to have you. 18 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:41,680 And so why don't you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit of fun fact that nobody 19 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:42,680 might know about Joe. 20 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:47,080 Cool. Well, Leslie, thank you for having me on the show. This is a great opportunity for 21 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,400 me, but also for Shelter House and the people that we serve and just getting the word out 22 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:56,400 around homelessness and domestic violence and, you know, how people can get involved. 23 00:01:56,400 --> 00:02:01,720 And also if people need help out there can, you know, can reach out to us too. So I really 24 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:07,200 really appreciate this opportunity on different levels. But as you said, my name is Joe Meyer. 25 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:14,280 I'm the Executive Director and CEO for Shelter House, which is a private nonprofit here locally 26 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:21,240 in Fairfax County and now Loudoun County serving both counties there. I grew up in the Western 27 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:29,240 Pennsylvania area just outside of Pittsburgh and went to a small school called Super Rock 28 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:32,400 University, which kind of could be a fun fact in itself. 29 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:39,520 People hear the name of that school, but Super Rock University, I was a social work major 30 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:44,280 and always knew I just wanted to help people, which is kind of how I got to do what I'm 31 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:53,240 doing today is knowing that I wanted to help people influence people as much as I could 32 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:59,120 knowing, knowing now, not knowing then, but knowing now that, you know, I am a person 33 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:06,480 of privilege who, you know, I have different platforms. I have a voice that some people 34 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:10,560 may not have, especially when we're talking about people that have experienced in domestic 35 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:18,640 violence, marginalized populations, people of color who do not have those voices. I need 36 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:25,800 to step up and make sure that I use my voice for those people who can't. So I really enjoy 37 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:31,600 what I do enjoy the people that I work with, the populations that we're serving. As I mentioned, 38 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:37,240 I want to be of influence to people, but I've learned over the last 21 years of doing this 39 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:43,320 work, the people that I'm working with are actually influencing me. I have not learned 40 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:51,680 more through all my years than when somebody walks through these doors, who needs help. 41 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:57,840 And we talked, you know, we're going to be talking about courage. And when I was reading 42 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:03,280 about the podcast and some of the questions, you know, kind of some of the courageous things 43 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:08,200 that I've done, I just shook my head and thought that the things that I have seen, the stories 44 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:13,960 that I have heard, I have done nothing courageous compared to the people and the courage that 45 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:18,600 people have had to come just by coming to our doors and asking for help. So I know I'm 46 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:22,280 talking about that. Let's start with what does courage mean to you? 47 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:33,440 Yeah, courage is something to me that it's going into something that is an unknown. Walking 48 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:39,200 into a situation that you just don't know what the outcome is going to be. It's about 49 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:48,360 being brave. It's about overcoming something that, again, you just, you don't know the 50 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:57,640 outcome. Yeah. Okay, love that. I'm actually making notes of this because I'm going to 51 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,880 start creating some courage cards with everybody's definition of courage, because everybody's 52 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:08,040 different, which is really cool. So yeah, so, you know, I mentioned that I met you because 53 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:12,840 of my involvement in domestic violence. And then you can't we did a couple of events together. 54 00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:17,040 And I really got to her stories and became passionate about the mission and was on the 55 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:21,960 board of directors for sheltered house for a couple of years and enjoyed that. And but 56 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:28,560 I really liked being in the house houses and doing things. And my big aha was like living 57 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:34,040 in Reston and there is shelters right near where I live. And there have been my entire 58 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:39,560 life and had no idea and the awareness and not they want to divulge information about 59 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:45,680 where about some things. But you know, there are shelters close by and people that you 60 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:54,200 run into all day long that are in tough situations if you have no idea. And so, you know, yeah, 61 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:59,440 we've we come from privileged world and some of the stories we've heard heard and no domestic 62 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:06,480 violence I know was one of the causes you guys work on and also homelessness and is 63 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:12,000 interesting with the domestic violence and things you've shared. And I know Danny shared 64 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:19,160 with me one time about human trafficking and how prevalent it is in the area. And actually 65 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:24,320 Todd Carter who was on here before his daughter did a fundraiser for her birthday in high 66 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:28,360 school. And they asked me to come do some pampering for the girls and share a little 67 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:34,080 about shelter house. And it was interesting when I talked to the high young high school 68 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,880 girls about human trafficking. And I remember never forget one of the girls whipped her 69 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:42,480 head around and said not in this area. I'm like, Oh, my goodness, yes. So we need to 70 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:47,480 have that awareness. So why don't you talk about shelter house, the mission, courage, 71 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:52,240 maybe some stories of people that have been courageous because, you know, part of this 72 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:56,560 podcast I want to get out the message like how can we help and how can we get involved? 73 00:06:56,560 --> 00:07:05,200 And where do you need help? And yeah, there's definitely a need so sure. Well, I certainly 74 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:10,040 appreciate this opportunity because there is such great need right now, especially right 75 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:19,400 now coming off of a global pandemic, where people have been not able to escape their their 76 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:25,360 abuser for several years now with the work from home, with people being isolated. We 77 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:33,160 are seeing a rise in domestic violence right now. It may not be cases of domestic violence, 78 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:39,000 but we're seeing a rise of people now fleeing domestic violence because of just being isolated 79 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:47,000 inside the home with the abuser. So shelter house, we were we were created back in 1981. 80 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:54,800 So just over 40 years old and we were kind of our foundation was around helping families 81 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:59,040 who are experiencing homelessness and we started down in the Falls Church in the seven corners 82 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:08,080 area started our first shelter in 1985. We were a very small organization in 19 in 2007 83 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:12,440 is when Fairfax County opened up a new shelter called the Catherine Handley family shelter 84 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:17,120 and it was a family shelter we were awarded the contract to operate that. So again, I 85 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:21,560 just want to kind of fast forward through all of this of how we, you know, kind of the evolution 86 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:25,360 of shelter house and what we have seen and some of the best practices that we have used 87 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:29,520 in order to make the impact that we have been in the community. And then of course get to 88 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:35,840 some of the stories. But it was in, you know, through constant assessment of what is causing 89 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:41,200 homelessness in our community. There is a there's a lot of different reasons why people 90 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:45,840 become homeless. Their homelessness is not the issue in itself, right? It's all of the 91 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:51,680 all of the contributing factors. There's mental health, there's medical, there are people 92 00:08:51,680 --> 00:09:01,200 going through a divorce, there is alcohol and dependence on substances. There is just the, 93 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:06,440 you know, being being a victim of poverty and growing up through the system. And then 94 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:12,760 there's domestic violence and we had we saw that nearly 50% of the people who were experiencing 95 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:18,560 homelessness had some type of domestic violence history in their background, whether they 96 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:23,400 were currently experiencing domestic violence, whether they were a child witness to domestic 97 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:28,920 violence, or whether they grew up in a home around, you know, with with domestic violence. 98 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:35,040 And it was at that time, where we saw those direct parallels between domestic violence 99 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:41,640 and homelessness. And in 2010, we were awarded the contract to run Artemis House, as you 100 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:47,040 mentioned before, Artemis House being the only 24 seven domestic violence shelter in 101 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:55,560 Fairfax County, which is crazy, which is great. Yeah, we have about 85 beds for for people 102 00:09:55,560 --> 00:10:00,280 experiencing or people fleeing domestic violence. And that that actually increased when we took 103 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:06,240 over the contract in 2010, we had 37 beds and now we're up to 85 beds. But you also look 104 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:14,520 at a county that has over a million people in in the county. And you're looking at the, 105 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:19,480 you know, a statistic that they say, you know, about one in four women experienced domestic 106 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:25,720 violence in their lifetime. And we have 85 beds in the county. So where the need is right 107 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:31,520 now, like I said, we have 85 beds that we have slated for victims of domestic violence 108 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:36,440 for people fleeing domestic violence. And I will tell you right now, we are over double 109 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:43,880 capacity right now today, in our domestic violence shelters, we have people in hotels 110 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:51,760 that we are trying to just get out of dangerous situations, life threatening situations, you 111 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:57,400 know, preventing homicides, we just had, you know, not we, but you know, the community 112 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:03,720 just suffered one in Falls Church, a couple days ago that you probably saw on the news, 113 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:10,160 a domestic violence homicide, we are here, this is, you know, this is why I really appreciate 114 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:15,240 this opportunity, Leslie, because we need to let people know we're here. And if people 115 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:21,040 don't, right, and if people if people know we're here, you know, you can you can see 116 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:26,480 us on shelterhouse.org get all the information call 911, you'll not 911, you'll get directly 117 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:31,840 routed to us if you're, you know, talking about a domestic violence situation. But there's 118 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:38,320 a lot of ways to get to us. And it's just making sure that people are aware that there 119 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:44,000 are services out there for people experiencing and people fleeing domestic violence for us. 120 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:49,800 Yeah, and you just never know, and it's not a demographic, it's not an age, it's not a 121 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:55,560 color, it's not a ethnicity, it's every but you just never know. And I was actually, because 122 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,880 of my involvement, I'm so grateful that I've been involved with you and listened to you 123 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:03,320 and we had a couple events I mentioned, that you came and spoke and just the awareness. 124 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:12,000 And I think we had Sheriff, can Kate at one event to and just sharing that you do awareness 125 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:16,920 like you would think in Northern Virginia and this elite area that that wouldn't happen 126 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:20,560 and like the human traffic and I remember Danny told me they went into two neighborhoods 127 00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:24,840 in Great Falls, which had a very affluent area, two houses in the same neighborhood and pulled 128 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:29,640 out girls. And that's just scary. So I think, you know, that awareness letting people know 129 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:34,640 and you just never know who it's going to be in the homelessness too. I know somebody 130 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:42,480 a very middle class, successful family, everything was good and the husband became an alcoholic. 131 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:49,320 And he was homeless for nine months and living out of his car and most people didn't know, 132 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:54,200 but you just never know. So we don't want to judge but we want to be able to give people 133 00:12:54,200 --> 00:13:01,680 access and know how to help people. And, you know, people do survive and come out and I 134 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:06,200 know you guys have a lot of resources to help people. I know the Mary Kay involvement that 135 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,840 we have a charitable foundation that helps fight domestic violence and cancers that affect 136 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:14,160 women, they've given over $50 million to fight domestic violence and they did training with 137 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:20,760 us saying, as consultants going into women's homes to be aware, and actually had a campaign 138 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:28,360 where they were putting help lines in an empty lipstick tube. So women could, you know, if 139 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:33,360 you notice, and I actually had an instance, I think I reached out to you about that I 140 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:39,120 was just talking to some friends and I just sensed this woman was having some issues and 141 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:43,240 I could tell it may not have been physical, but it was definitely a mental thing. And 142 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:48,520 then a couple weeks later, her friend that I had met her with called me and said, I'm 143 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,360 looking for a place, a friend's looking for a place and I'm like, is it such and such? 144 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:56,520 She's like, how did you know? And I'm like, because of my awareness, I was a pick up those 145 00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:02,400 things. So why don't we talk about some courage, some things you've seen not to scare people, 146 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:06,800 but people that have done courageous things and then come out the other side and been 147 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:10,640 successful. Yeah, so, so again, Leslie, like you said, it's not to scare people. This is 148 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:15,800 real. You know, this is real life with real people that are that are coming through our 149 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:22,520 doors and I will say kind of two separate examples of this. And first is, you know, probably 150 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:27,080 what most people will think of are the people that are coming to our doors, people that 151 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:32,840 are picking up the phone and calling us saying we need to get out of me, me and my children 152 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:40,040 need to get out of this, this abusive relationship. And that's happening every single day. There 153 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:45,680 are courageous men and women who are coming to us. We don't just serve women experiencing 154 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:50,400 domestic violence, we also serve men who are experiencing domestic violence. The majority 155 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:59,720 are are either single women or single lead or single lead families by by women. So I 156 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:03,680 would say every single one of these women that are coming to us are courageous. We've had 157 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:15,840 people come to us through the through the police department, who are trans transported 158 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:20,680 by the police department who go into the homes we have very close relationships with the 159 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:24,680 domestic violence detectives within Fairfax County Police Department do partnerships 160 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:33,220 with them. But I will say, we have, we've also been notified of people who are roaming 161 00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:43,160 around the streets, who have been sheltered in their own home, who did not speak the language. 162 00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:50,400 And this person actually was found walking around rest in, having no idea where to go. 163 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:58,920 And this individual lived lived in quotes in rest in for more than five years, outside. 164 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:06,800 We finally got outside walking around, had no idea where to go. Didn't know the area, 165 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:14,480 didn't speak the language. We finally found out through the the police department's help 166 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:20,200 that she was a victim of domestic violence, that she was being held against her will. 167 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:26,640 She came to us at Artemis House, and she was in our shelter now this is not a typical case, 168 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:32,560 but she was in our shelter for over a year. Because that's how much help she needed. 169 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:40,320 He had zero life skills. She came into a place that she had no idea where she was going. 170 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:44,880 She had complete strangers trying to help her. She didn't understand the language you 171 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:50,760 talk about courage. It would have been very easy to go back to the lifestyle that she 172 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:59,480 was used to, which was being held against her will. That's where domestic violence is 173 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:08,320 so challenging sometimes. It's because of the power and control that the person who's 174 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:16,080 doing harm has over the victim. Where the victim is so manipulated that they feel like 175 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:21,200 this and co-co-co-coheres that this feels like the way of life. 176 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,960 That's their reality. 177 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:29,880 And that is their reality. So the courage that people have to stand up for themselves 178 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:35,000 and their children to leave that situation, where so many times the person that is doing 179 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:44,480 harm has financial control over them. Over 90% of domestic violence cases, it starts with 180 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:54,760 financial abuse and mental abuse. And then it comes to physical abuse. So when you have 181 00:17:54,760 --> 00:18:03,120 lost the control of finances, you never had control of maybe the decisions that you're 182 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:12,880 making. Then you start having children. Now you have a family to be able to up and leave 183 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:22,080 for the betterment of yourself is extremely difficult and extremely courageous. And that's 184 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:28,720 why I defined courage the way that I did because I can see the people that are coming to us, 185 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:33,480 coming into a place that they have no idea about. They have no idea what the shelter looks 186 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:38,160 like. They have no idea if they're going to have a bed to sleep in, which they do. They 187 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,920 have no idea what they're going to do for food. They have no idea what they're going 188 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:48,840 to do for the kids for school. It's all the unknowns of leaving your house, leaving the 189 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:54,360 abuse to go where you're fairly stable. Even though you're being abused, there's stability 190 00:18:54,360 --> 00:19:00,400 there because of the kids school, because of the food on the table, because of the financial 191 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:05,960 stability. But again, it's not healthy. So the courage that people have to leave that 192 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:12,560 situation come to us and have a life free of violence is just so courageous. 193 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:18,240 You can imagine. I'll say this. And then the second part of that that I really want to 194 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:24,680 get to that I want people to understand are the people that work for shelterhouse. So 195 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:32,360 many of the individuals that work for shelterhouse have experienced homelessness or domestic 196 00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:43,000 violence. So many of them are still dealing with the trauma. The PTSD that they have experienced 197 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:49,880 in their lifetime. And that's why I say I come from a privileged life. I come from a 198 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:58,720 intact family able bodied white male where I need to make sure that I use the privilege 199 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:02,640 that I have first understand the privilege that I have and also be a voice for people 200 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:07,000 that haven't had the same experiences that I've had. But I also need to learn from the 201 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:12,200 people who have had those experience. And the people that come to us that work for us 202 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:17,840 that have have real life experience and that lived experience in domestic violence and 203 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:23,800 homelessness are so valuable to this organization, because they know what it takes to get out 204 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:30,360 of the situations. They are sometimes still dealing with the situations that that they 205 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:35,360 were brought through. So when you come to it when you know when we're talking about courage 206 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:41,040 and talking about the courageous acts, the people working for shelterhouse, I again, 207 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:45,440 it's still it's why I do what I did. I've been doing this for 21 years. It's why I do 208 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:52,080 what I do. Because the people that are working for us, literally the heroes that are working 209 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:57,040 within our communities to pull people out of these situations out of homelessness and 210 00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,520 out of dangerous situations to get them back on their feet. 211 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:06,280 Right. I had no idea that people working there had were affected by. But that makes total 212 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:13,000 sense that they're passionate about it. But I can only imagine the triggers and yes. Yeah. 213 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:17,920 So scary, just and I know one time you came and spoke at an event and this kind of stuck 214 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:24,600 with me and talking about, OK, how can we help as a community? Like, what are some things 215 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:31,000 we should look for and be able to connect and help people? Because I know it can be 216 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:36,720 a scary situation. And if you're a domestic violence situation, the attack around my wife, 217 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:43,040 how do you refer pretty much controls and people have a hard time getting out of the 218 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:50,640 house out of situations? They're checking their communication. And how do they find out how? 219 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:55,120 I guess, you know, we talked about one time, as I mentioned at an event and you're like, 220 00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:59,720 OK, if somebody is next door, a neighbor is shooting somebody, you would call the police. 221 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,760 But if there's a domestic violence situation, we don't always say something. So share how 222 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:09,440 people can identify, see what we should look for and then how we can help people. 223 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:17,200 Yeah. Yeah, I always used kind of that story around, you know, if there is a person experiencing 224 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:22,520 homelessness who is sleeping in your backyard, what would you do? And typically, you know, 225 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,800 typical person would say, well, I'm going to pick it up, I'm going to go out and try 226 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:29,680 to help the person tell them, but you can't stay here. They don't leave. You're going 227 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:38,040 to call the police. If your next door neighbor is experiencing domestic violence, we typically 228 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:43,680 don't call it domestic violence right away. They're having marital issues. Right. Even 229 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:50,360 though in the back of our head, we know or we are expecting that this person is being 230 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:56,360 abused, whether it's mentally, whether it's physically. And what do we do in most cases? 231 00:22:56,360 --> 00:23:01,160 We don't say anything because it's within their four walls. It's marital issues. Let 232 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:05,720 them deal with it. We don't want to get involved. And that's the last thing that the persons 233 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:13,600 that that people want. We need to recognize the signs of domestic violence. If we are 234 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:18,360 working in our companies, our coworkers, if we're leaders within our companies, we have 235 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:24,040 to understand what the signs of domestic violence are. If you have employees or if you have 236 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:29,320 coworkers who are high performers and all of a sudden are starting to come in to work 237 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:35,360 a little late, or they're just shutting down, they're not talking, or during conversations, 238 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:40,040 when you're talking about the fun weekends or the things about your spouses or about 239 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:45,400 your boyfriends, and they shut down and they don't talk about any of that. If you know 240 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:52,520 that they're married, if they, you know, if you know, if they have a boyfriend, we, there's 241 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:59,960 there's signs, you know, within just markings on people. We need to be able to ask questions. 242 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:07,120 We need to be able to, you know, for instance, one of my neighbors came to me and said, you 243 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:12,440 know, Joe, I was with one of our other neighbors. And we were at the grocery store and, you 244 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:16,160 know, together and we were in line together. And she had to pick up the phone and she had 245 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:21,280 to call her husband to tell her how much the bill was going to be so he could transfer 246 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:26,960 money over to her account. Wow. He said, is this normal? And you don't live, I mean, 247 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:35,160 we live in a very affluent nice neighborhood. Yes. Yes. And anytime they were out, she 248 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:39,680 had to ask permission or he had to know where she was. So this was so so my other neighbor, 249 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:45,920 she was picking up on this. So again, when it, you know, when we're talking about abuse, 250 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:52,520 we're not just talking about the physical abuse of people, it starts way before that. 251 00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:58,200 And this individual was being abused. And it started with financial abuse where she 252 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:07,440 was not allowed to have any money in her account beyond what she was sending on on that. So 253 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:11,000 it's signs like that. And you know, we were very grateful that she, you know, that my 254 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:15,400 neighbor was able to pick up on that. And then she was able to talk to her and just 255 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:20,080 ask her questions. We don't want to be invasive, of course, but we want to be able to ask 256 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:26,120 questions. We want to be able to open our doors. It's simple things like I'm not sure 257 00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:30,600 I, I'm not sure exactly what you're going through, but our doors open for you. 258 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:36,840 Yeah. And just a simple question like that. I'm not accusing anybody of anything, right? 259 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:42,680 Because people can get very defensive of their person who's doing harm to them also. But 260 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:47,120 we can just simply say, you know, I don't know exactly what you're going through. We 261 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:52,520 are here for you. And we're going to leave our door open for you. Yeah. But again, it's 262 00:25:52,520 --> 00:26:00,760 just it's, it's the signs. It's the it's, it's the non accusatory way of approaching 263 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:07,360 somebody just to say, I'm here if you need me. Yeah. It's also we know, we know so many 264 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:12,760 more people that have experienced domestic violence than we even know we know. 265 00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:18,120 Right. Well, and I say one out of four. Yes. So scary, like you're in a big room and like, 266 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,120 all right, look beside you and 267 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:25,400 Yes. So even for people who have experienced domestic violence or a child witness domestic 268 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:30,480 violence, because that's a big one too. So many of the people that come to us have been 269 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:34,920 child witnesses of domestic violence. And now they are victims of domestic violence 270 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:41,080 also. Again, our staff, our staff that come to us, they were not abused, but in, in their 271 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:46,760 childhood, they were a child witness domestic violence. And that sometimes is even worse. 272 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:51,720 Yeah. You know, they say, and it's true that you know, the physical harm that people do 273 00:26:51,720 --> 00:27:00,560 to you, you can heal from the mental harm that people do, you will not. So we have to 274 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:05,200 you know, our mental health around, around everything right now, mental, we're talking 275 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:11,240 a lot about mental health. But when it comes to the, you know, the, the trauma that people 276 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:19,280 are suffering from through abuse is, is just extraordinary. We have to be able to as business 277 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:28,760 leaders, as friends, as co workers, as family members, we cannot ignore what is going on. 278 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:34,960 You could always call our, our hotline. And again, you can go to our website at shelterhouse.org. 279 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:38,800 And, and, you know, get the number and resources. 280 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:43,440 And we'll share all your how to connect with you and the organizations. 281 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:44,440 Yes, please. 282 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:49,600 Yeah, it's awareness. It's, you know, and I know the events we did together were so 283 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:54,080 good and people were just amazed at what they heard. And I think getting the word out and 284 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:59,800 letting people know that there are resources and, and then how can we help, you know, by 285 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:06,680 identifying, but then also resources to help the houses. I know Christmas time, I do a 286 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:11,000 program called adopt mom and I've donated things, but really sometimes if I have extra, 287 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:18,040 I hold on to them because I've literally been into Artemis house, walking over piles of 288 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:23,760 stuff. People are so generous, but then in February, you know, people kind of forget. 289 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:28,760 So being able to help, I know one event that we did was, and this was just eyeopening that 290 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:36,000 food stamps are, I know I called snapped out does not color any cover any feminine hygiene. 291 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:37,000 Right. 292 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:41,520 I like, and we're, I was talking to a friend like they don't cover diapers, baby formula. 293 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:46,600 So I know we did like a tampon drive one time, you know, simple things that you don't think 294 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:51,360 about that people could use. One of the things when I've been into the shelters doing makeovers, 295 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:55,680 one thing the ladies have always asked and now I've prepared is they want the mirror 296 00:28:55,680 --> 00:29:00,040 that I give them and like a simple thing like a mirror. That's so simple and easy. But if 297 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:05,320 you think about it, when you leave with nothing, but yourselves and the clothes on your back, 298 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:09,640 like simple things that we take for granted. 299 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:16,760 And it's, it's about and what we really try to do is around dignity and getting people's 300 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:23,560 dignity back to them. And as you mentioned that that mirror, it gave me that image of 301 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:29,960 dignity where somebody can look at themselves again with what you all have done, you know, 302 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:33,960 on Mother's Day, you all come through, you know, on Mother's Day and do the gifts and 303 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:37,640 the makeovers and everything on Mother's Day for us. And I know that the people who are 304 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:42,880 coming to our programs really enjoy that. But being able to be made over and just have 305 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:47,240 some of that makeup on and be able to look at themselves in that mirror is the dignity 306 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:49,000 that they need. 307 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:55,400 We just had an amazing event yesterday with Fairfax County Sheriff's Department and Sheriff 308 00:29:55,400 --> 00:30:02,600 Stacy Kincaid, who is just amazing. She did shop with the sheriff yesterday with the kids 309 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:07,640 and our mentors. And they went to Target. They have a pizza party and they go to Target 310 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:15,960 and Burke for a couple of hours and they have 35 to 40 deputies work with 35 to 40 of our 311 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:21,800 children who are in their shelters. And they each have $250 and they shop with the sheriff's 312 00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:25,920 deputies to go around to get school clothes, to get shoes, to get supplies, to get all 313 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:30,740 the things that they need for their first days of school. When we're talking about dignity 314 00:30:30,740 --> 00:30:36,480 and being able to walk into school with a new pair of shoes on, to walk into school on 315 00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:43,200 that first day with new clothes on, it just, you know, it takes the burden off of the parent 316 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:47,160 to say, what are we going to do for our kids? But it also takes the burden off of the child 317 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:51,760 who's walking in the school who may feel different already, but they don't have to. They have 318 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:56,280 that dignity of walking in on that first day with new stuff. 319 00:30:56,280 --> 00:31:01,000 I love seeing that event. And I was actually, I was listening to the radio this morning 320 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:08,520 and they were talking about going back to school and advice for kids and parents. And 321 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:14,760 one person wrote in and it was, I want to find it, but she had a poem basically, but 322 00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:19,280 it was like, you know, when, as kids going into school, you know, go there to learn not 323 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:24,120 to judge, not to compare, you know, if the kid comes in and wears the exact same pair 324 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:29,000 of shoes every day, who cares? And, you know, if their lunch is different, then don't judge 325 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:33,880 and be friendly. And, you know, it starts there and it starts educating kids. Well, we 326 00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:39,400 could talk forever and ever and ever and ever. And speaking of Sheriff Kincaid, I just love 327 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:44,400 her and how connected she is. And like, I've met her once or twice, but she would not know 328 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:48,520 me walking down the street, but we're connected on Facebook. And every year on my birthday, 329 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:54,720 she sent me a private message, wish me happy birthday. Like, I need to, I need, maybe you 330 00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:58,400 can connect us and get her interview her on here, because I think she would be a great 331 00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:04,280 person. So what encouragement would you have for someone to be courageous or say, why not 332 00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:05,280 today? 333 00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:17,960 You know, I would, why not today? One, you may not see tomorrow in so many ways. You may 334 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:25,760 not get tomorrow if you don't do it today. And so many people who have come to us, who 335 00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:33,880 have made the life changing decision to get help, whether it be help because of an abusive 336 00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:39,600 relationship that you're in help because you're on the verge of homelessness, help because 337 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:49,880 you have suicidal ideation help because you need, you know, the mental health help. Or 338 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:56,600 just decisions that you've been holding off on, you may not get tomorrow if you don't 339 00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:57,600 today. 340 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:02,760 That is so true. And that's why I'm living by this motto. So I always try to say, what 341 00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:06,400 is your connection, my dad, and people read that question like, I never met meet your 342 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:10,840 dad and not necessarily ever met him. But I always like to wait till the end to see, 343 00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:15,800 okay, all the places you connected. Well, obviously, giving back to community, which 344 00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:21,080 was a big part that he was invested in, especially the resting community, which you're doing 345 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:26,320 such a big thing with. But so I know before you're at shelter, you're at Embry Rucker 346 00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:31,760 shelter. And my dad was very involved with that. And actually, I think somewhat instrumental 347 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:35,400 in getting that going. And of course, Embry Rucker was a good friend of his member as 348 00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:40,040 a kid, seeing him and he was he had a church that he ran at Lake Ann. It was almost like 349 00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:46,800 God. And then the Kate Hanley shelter, you're part of that. Of course, Kate Hanley was a 350 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:51,120 friend of my father's also and he was connected with her and the community. And then kind 351 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:57,120 of a fun connection for us is I remember one of the first times you spoke. And my friend 352 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:03,160 Teresa, who was actually a guest on the podcast, a month or so ago, she I was talking to her, 353 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:06,240 she's like, what are you doing with Joe? I'm like, what do you mean? What am I doing with 354 00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:11,960 Joe? She's like, I'm like, how do you know Joe? She's like, he was my next door neighbor. 355 00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:17,160 You hung out with them. I'm like, Oh, my goodness, I never put all that together. So small little 356 00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:22,080 world connection. You just never know. And so I'm grateful for all that we've been able 357 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:27,160 to do. And I may share as part of this post, I think I mentioned to you before I started 358 00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:34,640 that my help with the community and with Shelter House and Adopt-a-Mom, I was actually 359 00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:39,760 honored with Best of Rest and Award several years ago. And you spoke on the video or a 360 00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:42,880 big part of the video talking about Shelter House and everything we've done together. So 361 00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:47,440 make sure that with that. So yeah, so it's been great to have you on. As I said, we could 362 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:51,240 talk forever and ever. And you know what I'd love if you have somebody that's gone through 363 00:34:51,240 --> 00:34:57,760 the system on the other side, that it wouldn't be a confidentiality thing or somebody that 364 00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:01,680 I'd love to be able to share their story. There's actually a story of somebody Mary Kaye. Mary 365 00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:08,040 Kaye actually did a PBS special about domestic violence. And they did it in English and Spanish, 366 00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:11,480 but there was a woman that thinks she was out of Virginia Beach and was in a domestic 367 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:21,040 violence shelter. And through her, Mary Kaye director was able to flee and go to California. 368 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:26,240 And she was in a shelter there and had no money, but she had a Mary Kaye business. And 369 00:35:26,240 --> 00:35:30,960 so she would literally go to do an appointment, have that she had no car, the taxi would take 370 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:34,880 her, she'd stop at the bank to cash her checks from whatever she sold to pay the taxi to 371 00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:39,360 get home before her kids got home and was able to through Mary Kaye and the help of 372 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:45,720 a shelter earn a car, buy a house and it's a huge success now. So you just never know. 373 00:35:45,720 --> 00:35:52,040 That's right. Yeah. So thanks again for being on and we will share your information. And 374 00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:57,440 I'll have you send me info so people can connect with you. So it's great to have you on and 375 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:01,920 of course see you. It's been a long time since I've seen you. I guess I saw you for a minute 376 00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:06,400 at the cornerstones event, but thanks again for sharing your story. Thanks everybody for 377 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:12,920 listening. You can find us on Spotify and iTunes and everywhere else. We release a new 378 00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:18,160 podcast every other Saturday and have not missed one yet. I'm excited about that. And 379 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:22,000 we're working on a website and we're going to have merchandise cups and t-shirts because 380 00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:25,800 we're going to start a movement that says why not today? So thanks again, Joe. It's been 381 00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:30,960 a pleasure to chat with you and let's get some help for Shelter House and awareness out 382 00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:56,560 there. Thank you, Leslie. You're welcome. Thank you.