WEBVTT

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Well, welcome to the Last Storyteller podcast.

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I'm Jim Hurdle, I'm your host. Got a special

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treat for you tonight. At least I hope you think

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it's a special treat. I'm gonna do something

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that I haven't done in quite some time on the

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podcast, and that's actually to share a story

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with you. Now, this story is a short story, but

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it's one that's still in progress. And so tonight,

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I'm just gonna do part one for you. and then

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you'll get to come along with me on this ride

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as this story progresses to the finish line.

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I hope it's fun for you. It is always fun for

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me. I want to tell you a little bit about this

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story, the background anyway of this story. I

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mentioned to you in an earlier podcast that a

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line from The Last Storyteller where the last

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storyteller tells the young boy everything has

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a story. and it just needs someone to tell it.

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Well, that's what happened this weekend. I was

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out working in the yard and I looked up in the

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tree that's in my front yard. It's not a real

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tall tree, it's about maybe 20 feet, but almost

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to the very top of that tree there was a bag,

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a plastic bag from Target. And it had wrapped

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its way around some limbs and enough of it stuck

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out that the wind or the breeze was blowing it

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back and forth and it was just flapping up there.

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So I looked up at it and I thought how can I

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get that down without damaging my tree or without

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hurting myself. I decided to let Mother Nature

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take care of it and she did. The next morning,

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Sunday morning, I walked out and I looked up

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in the tree and that target bag was gone. Well,

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between Saturday evening when I had walked inside

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and Sunday morning when I walked back outside,

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This short story came to life. It's called The

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Grandma Tree, and this is part one. I heard the

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screen door slam, followed by the sound of bare

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feet running across the floor. A moment later,

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Ellie came running into the living room. Ellie

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is my youngest daughter. She's nine years old.

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Smarter than the average pre -teen. Basically

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shy and mostly reserved. Her face was bright

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red and she's panting like a losing dog at Derby

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Lane. Ellie leans forward, placing her hands

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on her knees. Daddy! She manages the one word.

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What is it, Ellie? I'm watching the game. It's

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grandma. She looks over her shoulder at the front

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door. She's stuck in the tree. I look at my daughter's

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face waiting for her to smile or laugh or something

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to reveal her silly prank. But this is Ellie.

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She doesn't prank. Her older sister Janice is

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a prankster. Well, she was until she started

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dating Freddy. And now I hardly ever see her

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or become the victim of her shadowy pranks. Why

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is grandma on the tree, Ellie? I ask her, but

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my eyes have returned to the game. Daddy, hurry,

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please! She grabs my hand to get me up off the

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couch, gently pulling away. In just a minute,

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Ellie, it's almost halftime. Daddy, she's really

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stuck! and up high, really high. Her voice is

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high, her words painted with urgency. I glance

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at the television. The cowboys are on the 12

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yard line and driving. The two minute warning

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sounds followed by the proverbial beer commercial.

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Alright, let's go save grandma, I tell my daughter

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with my best reassuring smile. As I step onto

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the porch, My smile falls away. High, really

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high. Ellie was right. My mother -in -law was

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30 feet up in the oak tree, wedged to her underarms

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between two massive branches. Her pale white

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legs, looking like enormous rolls of cookie dough,

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were swinging back and forth, back and forth.

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Her feet were bare. if you overlook the varicose

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vein road map wrapping around her ankles. What

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the? I stop myself before my daughter is further

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traumatized by my choice of language. How did

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she? Why is grandma up in the tree? Ellie running

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full speed into the backyard either didn't hear

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my question or didn't have an answer. I step

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off the patio and follow her. She has joined

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Mikey, her older brother, by two years. Mikey

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is standing under the tree, his head bent back

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as far as his neck will permit. I look up. The

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orange summer dress Ethel is wearing is like

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a neon sign on a Texas highway in the middle

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of the night. My mother -in -law, the grandmother

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to my children, is a large woman. If I had to

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guess... I'd put her north of 280 pounds. A lot

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of cloth had gone into making that summer dress.

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Ethel had come down the last week before school

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started to spend some time with the kids. Then

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she decided to stay a little longer. That was

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eight weeks ago and she's still here. Now, stuck

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thirty feet up in the air, wedged between two

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branches of my once -favorite tree. And, wearing

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no underwear. I pop Mikey on the back of the

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head. You don't need to be looking up there,

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Mikey. His face turns bright red, but I witness

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the internal struggle the boy is having keeping

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his eyes straight ahead. Why is she up there,

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I ask. Ellie answers. She was trying to get Perky

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to come down. Perky is our orange tabby who never

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goes outside. Grandma's a good climber, Daddy,

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Ellie adds. But not a good get -her -downer,

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Mike chimes in before taking a quick glance up.

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I pull both of them away from the base of the

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tree before I look up again. I don't see the

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cat, I said, as if that mattered. She got down.

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Mikey said, are you going to get grandma down

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daddy? Ellie, we will get her down somehow. I

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look up again, Ethel, Ethel, can you hear me?

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I ain't dead, you moron. Inside my dark place,

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I begin to wonder how long I can leave her up

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there. Ethel, can you move? No reply. I take

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two steps closer to the tree. From inside the

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house I hear the crowd cheering. Who scored?

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Dang it! One day a week I ask for some me time.

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Just one half of a well -deserved weekend. Is

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that too much? I gotta pay! Ethel chirps from

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the tree. I take a step backwards. Mikey is hightailing

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it into the house. Perky the cat is doing figure

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eights between Ellie's legs, shedding orange

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hair all over her black leggings. A moment later

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the screen door slams and Mikey is speed racing

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back to me carrying an umbrella. Here dad, you

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might need this. I laugh, but I don't take the

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umbrella from him, composing myself. Ethel? You're

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gonna have to hold it, I yell at her. For how

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long? There was a slight crack in her voice.

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A brief, oh so brief, moment of vulnerability

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in the Dragon Lady's demeanor. Mary Ethel Lennox

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is the hardest, meanest woman who will ever cross

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your path. Her eyes command yours, making it

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impossible to break away from the cold stare

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of her pale green eyes. Often her sentences require

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no more than one or two words, barked, not spoken,

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to make her point. Her breath perpetually carries

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the scent of peppermint candy, which she sucks

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on loudly, and I believe deliberately. I met

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her just weeks before I asked my wife to marry

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me. Ethel stared at me with those eyes, looking

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me up and down like a drill sergeant inspecting

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a recruit. And then, turning to my soon -to -be

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-fiance, she said, in front of me, mind you,

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I think you can do better. But Ethel's not all

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bad. She does love our children. loves them enough

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to climb up in a damn tree to fetch a cat. I

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don't know how long, Ethel, I answer. Well, I

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can't hold it, she marks. You're just gonna have

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to, I almost said before checking myself. Yo,

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Jimmy boy, what's going on? It was my neighbor,

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head and shoulders peeking over the fence. Putting

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some burgers on the grill over here. He tells

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me I thought you'd be watching the game What

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an ending to the first half. Did you see that

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catch unfuck? Oh Seeing the kids he doesn't finish

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his sentence Hey, I saw that weather balloon

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in your tree came over to see what was going

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on. I Shaked my head eyebrows raised don't don't

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don't I Can hear you you fucking moron. I'm not

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a weather balloon The presence of my children

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doesn't bother Ethel the Dragon Lennox. Holy

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shit, Ed whispers. Is that? Yes, I answer. What

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are you going to do, man? How are you going to

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get her out of that tree? I look up at Ethel.

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She had crossed her ankle, her legs still swinging

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back and forth. I don't know, I tell him. Do

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you have a ladder? and not one that'll reach

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that high. Besides, you'll never get a ladder

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between all those branches." He glances up at

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the tree again. She sure is moving her legs a

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lot. She said she has to pee. Well, at least

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it's number one, he laughs. Still can hear! Ed

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and I stand there looking up at the tree. Elias

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picked up Perky and is kissing the cat on the

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head. Mikey had opened the umbrella and is spinning

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it like a top on the ground. The attention span

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of my children is typical. Grandma's woes have

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been replaced by a cat and an umbrella. I guess

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I need to call the fire department, I tell Ed.

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Yeah, yeah, but don't call 9 -1 -1. Use the main

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number. They'll show up with their sirens blaring

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if you call 911. The whole neighborhood will

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be over here looking up your mother -in -law's

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dress. I can still fucking hear you! Damn, she's

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got good ears, that's for sure. Hey, hey, I got

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an idea. You call the fire department. I'm going

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to give Merkel a call. You know he used to work

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for the cable company. I bet he can run a cable

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into your backyard. We'll move the TV out and

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watch the game while we're waiting on the fire

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department. Really? Hell yeah! Hey, I'll bring

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the burgers over. Fire up your grill. We can

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make a day of it. I'm going to pee! Well, that's

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the end of part one. I hope you enjoyed it. Come

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back with me in a couple days I'll have part

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two part three or maybe the finish of the story.

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I'm not sure This is Jim your host on The Last

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Storyteller and you've been listening to The

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Grand Maltry