Well, welcome to the Last Storyteller podcast.
I'm Jim Hurdle, I'm your host. Got a special
treat for you tonight. At least I hope you think
it's a special treat. I'm gonna do something
that I haven't done in quite some time on the
podcast, and that's actually to share a story
with you. Now, this story is a short story, but
it's one that's still in progress. And so tonight,
I'm just gonna do part one for you. and then
you'll get to come along with me on this ride
as this story progresses to the finish line.
I hope it's fun for you. It is always fun for
me. I want to tell you a little bit about this
story, the background anyway of this story. I
mentioned to you in an earlier podcast that a
line from The Last Storyteller where the last
storyteller tells the young boy everything has
a story. and it just needs someone to tell it.
Well, that's what happened this weekend. I was
out working in the yard and I looked up in the
tree that's in my front yard. It's not a real
tall tree, it's about maybe 20 feet, but almost
to the very top of that tree there was a bag,
a plastic bag from Target. And it had wrapped
its way around some limbs and enough of it stuck
out that the wind or the breeze was blowing it
back and forth and it was just flapping up there.
So I looked up at it and I thought how can I
get that down without damaging my tree or without
hurting myself. I decided to let Mother Nature
take care of it and she did. The next morning,
Sunday morning, I walked out and I looked up
in the tree and that target bag was gone. Well,
between Saturday evening when I had walked inside
and Sunday morning when I walked back outside,
This short story came to life. It's called The
Grandma Tree, and this is part one. I heard the
screen door slam, followed by the sound of bare
feet running across the floor. A moment later,
Ellie came running into the living room. Ellie
is my youngest daughter. She's nine years old.
Smarter than the average pre -teen. Basically
shy and mostly reserved. Her face was bright
red and she's panting like a losing dog at Derby
Lane. Ellie leans forward, placing her hands
on her knees. Daddy! She manages the one word.
What is it, Ellie? I'm watching the game. It's
grandma. She looks over her shoulder at the front
door. She's stuck in the tree. I look at my daughter's
face waiting for her to smile or laugh or something
to reveal her silly prank. But this is Ellie.
She doesn't prank. Her older sister Janice is
a prankster. Well, she was until she started
dating Freddy. And now I hardly ever see her
or become the victim of her shadowy pranks. Why
is grandma on the tree, Ellie? I ask her, but
my eyes have returned to the game. Daddy, hurry,
please! She grabs my hand to get me up off the
couch, gently pulling away. In just a minute,
Ellie, it's almost halftime. Daddy, she's really
stuck! and up high, really high. Her voice is
high, her words painted with urgency. I glance
at the television. The cowboys are on the 12
yard line and driving. The two minute warning
sounds followed by the proverbial beer commercial.
Alright, let's go save grandma, I tell my daughter
with my best reassuring smile. As I step onto
the porch, My smile falls away. High, really
high. Ellie was right. My mother -in -law was
30 feet up in the oak tree, wedged to her underarms
between two massive branches. Her pale white
legs, looking like enormous rolls of cookie dough,
were swinging back and forth, back and forth.
Her feet were bare. if you overlook the varicose
vein road map wrapping around her ankles. What
the? I stop myself before my daughter is further
traumatized by my choice of language. How did
she? Why is grandma up in the tree? Ellie running
full speed into the backyard either didn't hear
my question or didn't have an answer. I step
off the patio and follow her. She has joined
Mikey, her older brother, by two years. Mikey
is standing under the tree, his head bent back
as far as his neck will permit. I look up. The
orange summer dress Ethel is wearing is like
a neon sign on a Texas highway in the middle
of the night. My mother -in -law, the grandmother
to my children, is a large woman. If I had to
guess... I'd put her north of 280 pounds. A lot
of cloth had gone into making that summer dress.
Ethel had come down the last week before school
started to spend some time with the kids. Then
she decided to stay a little longer. That was
eight weeks ago and she's still here. Now, stuck
thirty feet up in the air, wedged between two
branches of my once -favorite tree. And, wearing
no underwear. I pop Mikey on the back of the
head. You don't need to be looking up there,
Mikey. His face turns bright red, but I witness
the internal struggle the boy is having keeping
his eyes straight ahead. Why is she up there,
I ask. Ellie answers. She was trying to get Perky
to come down. Perky is our orange tabby who never
goes outside. Grandma's a good climber, Daddy,
Ellie adds. But not a good get -her -downer,
Mike chimes in before taking a quick glance up.
I pull both of them away from the base of the
tree before I look up again. I don't see the
cat, I said, as if that mattered. She got down.
Mikey said, are you going to get grandma down
daddy? Ellie, we will get her down somehow. I
look up again, Ethel, Ethel, can you hear me?
I ain't dead, you moron. Inside my dark place,
I begin to wonder how long I can leave her up
there. Ethel, can you move? No reply. I take
two steps closer to the tree. From inside the
house I hear the crowd cheering. Who scored?
Dang it! One day a week I ask for some me time.
Just one half of a well -deserved weekend. Is
that too much? I gotta pay! Ethel chirps from
the tree. I take a step backwards. Mikey is hightailing
it into the house. Perky the cat is doing figure
eights between Ellie's legs, shedding orange
hair all over her black leggings. A moment later
the screen door slams and Mikey is speed racing
back to me carrying an umbrella. Here dad, you
might need this. I laugh, but I don't take the
umbrella from him, composing myself. Ethel? You're
gonna have to hold it, I yell at her. For how
long? There was a slight crack in her voice.
A brief, oh so brief, moment of vulnerability
in the Dragon Lady's demeanor. Mary Ethel Lennox
is the hardest, meanest woman who will ever cross
your path. Her eyes command yours, making it
impossible to break away from the cold stare
of her pale green eyes. Often her sentences require
no more than one or two words, barked, not spoken,
to make her point. Her breath perpetually carries
the scent of peppermint candy, which she sucks
on loudly, and I believe deliberately. I met
her just weeks before I asked my wife to marry
me. Ethel stared at me with those eyes, looking
me up and down like a drill sergeant inspecting
a recruit. And then, turning to my soon -to -be
-fiance, she said, in front of me, mind you,
I think you can do better. But Ethel's not all
bad. She does love our children. loves them enough
to climb up in a damn tree to fetch a cat. I
don't know how long, Ethel, I answer. Well, I
can't hold it, she marks. You're just gonna have
to, I almost said before checking myself. Yo,
Jimmy boy, what's going on? It was my neighbor,
head and shoulders peeking over the fence. Putting
some burgers on the grill over here. He tells
me I thought you'd be watching the game What
an ending to the first half. Did you see that
catch unfuck? Oh Seeing the kids he doesn't finish
his sentence Hey, I saw that weather balloon
in your tree came over to see what was going
on. I Shaked my head eyebrows raised don't don't
don't I Can hear you you fucking moron. I'm not
a weather balloon The presence of my children
doesn't bother Ethel the Dragon Lennox. Holy
shit, Ed whispers. Is that? Yes, I answer. What
are you going to do, man? How are you going to
get her out of that tree? I look up at Ethel.
She had crossed her ankle, her legs still swinging
back and forth. I don't know, I tell him. Do
you have a ladder? and not one that'll reach
that high. Besides, you'll never get a ladder
between all those branches." He glances up at
the tree again. She sure is moving her legs a
lot. She said she has to pee. Well, at least
it's number one, he laughs. Still can hear! Ed
and I stand there looking up at the tree. Elias
picked up Perky and is kissing the cat on the
head. Mikey had opened the umbrella and is spinning
it like a top on the ground. The attention span
of my children is typical. Grandma's woes have
been replaced by a cat and an umbrella. I guess
I need to call the fire department, I tell Ed.
Yeah, yeah, but don't call 9 -1 -1. Use the main
number. They'll show up with their sirens blaring
if you call 911. The whole neighborhood will
be over here looking up your mother -in -law's
dress. I can still fucking hear you! Damn, she's
got good ears, that's for sure. Hey, hey, I got
an idea. You call the fire department. I'm going
to give Merkel a call. You know he used to work
for the cable company. I bet he can run a cable
into your backyard. We'll move the TV out and
watch the game while we're waiting on the fire
department. Really? Hell yeah! Hey, I'll bring
the burgers over. Fire up your grill. We can
make a day of it. I'm going to pee! Well, that's
the end of part one. I hope you enjoyed it. Come
back with me in a couple days I'll have part
two part three or maybe the finish of the story.
I'm not sure This is Jim your host on The Last
Storyteller and you've been listening to The
Grand Maltry