1 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:34,320 Hi everyone, this is Danny and you're listening to Imagine Me the podcast that helps you show 2 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,200 up as your best self. 3 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:40,000 And joining me today is Mr. Don Finkley, a junior. 4 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,000 Hello, G-Wave. 5 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:46,000 I'm back. 6 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:50,000 The audience is a little slow in the jumble now. 7 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,000 Yeah, yeah. 8 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:56,000 All right, so let's get the business stuff out of the way. 9 00:00:56,000 --> 00:01:03,000 Follow us on Facebook at ImagineMeWorthy.422 on Insta, Imagine Me Worthy. 10 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:11,000 And we are still fielding questions for any of you who want to be featured in our Ask Imagine Me episode. 11 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,000 You'll be sitting on that episode, right? 12 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,000 Yes, yeah. 13 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,000 Okay, yeah. 14 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:20,000 So if you want, you want to hear us answer one of your questions, please send that question to 15 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,000 ImagineMeWorthy at gmail.com. 16 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,000 That is the business stuff. 17 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,000 Nice. 18 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,000 Okay. 19 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:34,000 We're going to talk about something that I feel like I bring up in almost every episode. 20 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,000 And it is how to argue. 21 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,000 Yeah. 22 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,000 How to argue. 23 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:50,000 And I'm not talking about the way that I might argue or I used to argue or try not to argue. 24 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:58,000 You're not trying to win like some arguing championship, which by the way, I'm pretty sure I can gold medal. 25 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,000 Good lord. 26 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,000 But there was an Olympic sport in arguing. 27 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,000 I could get. 28 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,000 Oh my gosh. 29 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,000 I got facts. 30 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,000 I got references. 31 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,000 Yeah, you're ridiculous. 32 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,000 I got dates. 33 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,000 I got statistics. 34 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:08,000 I got it all. 35 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:12,000 And y'all, I understand statistics in a real way. 36 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,000 I just don't be spouting statistic. 37 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,000 All right. 38 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:21,000 I'm already arguing. 39 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:28,000 So most people, if not all have been in arguments that, you know, can spiral out of control. 40 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:36,000 And for whatever reason, I know personally it leaves me feeling drained and upset and still not heard. 41 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,000 And I've tried to work on this. 42 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:48,000 I've tried to give you some things that I've been working on and hopefully you can kind of add those to your life and maybe learn how to argue in a healthy way. 43 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,000 That sounds weird, doesn't it? 44 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,000 Yeah, argue in a healthy way. 45 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,000 It almost seems like an oxymoron. 46 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,000 Yeah, it does. 47 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,000 But we have this preconceived notion of what arguing should be. 48 00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,000 That's why. 49 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,000 Exactly. 50 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,000 Yeah. 51 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:02,000 All arguments aren't negative. 52 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,000 Yeah. 53 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,000 All conflict is not negative. 54 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:25,000 And the way to have the way to argue in a healthy way basically means avoiding escalation and just finding resolutions in a resolutions in a way where you just don't hate the person's face you were done talking to. 55 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,000 Right, right, right, right. 56 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,000 Gosh, man. 57 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:33,000 You have to really like to be a Zen arguer. 58 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:43,000 You have to really be a master of your emotions, you know, and really just respect the person for their point of view. 59 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,000 Yep. 60 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,000 You know. 61 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,000 Yep. 62 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,000 And it doesn't always have to match your own. 63 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,000 Right. 64 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,000 You know, I keep saying that too. 65 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:56,000 A very close friend of mine, I always joke with her that I want to be like her when I grow up. 66 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,000 Who is this? 67 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,000 Tiffany. 68 00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,000 Okay, yeah, she's, yeah. 69 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,000 Yeah. 70 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,000 You all don't know Coach Tiffany is the most amazing coach. 71 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,000 Yeah, one day you probably should have her on. 72 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,000 She's Tiffany's amazing. 73 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,000 Yeah, yeah. 74 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,000 She has mastered her Zen. 75 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,000 She has mastered her Zen. 76 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:16,000 I have never met such a good lord. 77 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,000 Zen, even killed person. 78 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,000 Sometimes I have to check myself around her. 79 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,000 But I saw like a crazy person talking around her. 80 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:30,000 She's always, you know, one thing I love that she does is she always says what she's thankful for. 81 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:38,000 You know, she just lives in gratitude and that's something I still strive to do. 82 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,000 I didn't, I didn't plan that, but Tiffany, I love you girl. 83 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:45,000 That's why I mentioned it. 84 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,000 All right. 85 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:53,000 So here are some tips that I hope will help you have a, have tongue twisters today. 86 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,000 All right. 87 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,000 We were just doing that before. 88 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,000 We were just doing it. 89 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,000 To get ready to do a podcast. 90 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,000 So that my, my mouth wouldn't do what it's doing now. 91 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,000 And yet it's doing it. 92 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,000 Yep. 93 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,000 All right. 94 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:07,000 Let's try that one again. 95 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:14,000 So hopefully if you follow these tips, you will find that you have more healthy and productive 96 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:17,000 arguments with your loved ones and friends. 97 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,000 All right. 98 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,000 So number one, remember that arguing is normal. 99 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,000 It is. 100 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,000 Arguing is just a part of life. 101 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,000 It's not always a bad thing. 102 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,000 And again, arguing can be healthy. 103 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:36,000 It allows you to express your feelings, your opinions, and it can help you come to a resolution. 104 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:42,000 I know that sounds like a load of BS to some people. 105 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,000 Yeah. 106 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,000 Yeah. 107 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,000 But you know, just let down your wall and be open to this. 108 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,000 Right. 109 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,000 All right. 110 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:54,000 So when arguments become unhealthy, it's when they're just too heated. 111 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,000 Right. 112 00:05:55,000 --> 00:06:03,000 You know, like just, just sometimes you cannot discuss things right off the bat. 113 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,000 Right. 114 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:12,000 Or, or enter a discussion with the expectation that it's going to turn into an argument. 115 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,000 Yeah. 116 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,000 Yeah. 117 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,000 Yeah. 118 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,000 I mean, check yourself. 119 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:23,000 When you need not be approaching this subject or having this conversation. 120 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,000 Right. 121 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,000 Exactly. 122 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,000 You know it. 123 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:27,000 You know it. 124 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:33,000 And I can tell you that I, so what I've done to help me in these situations, I do a body scan. 125 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:37,000 I know what I feel like physically when I'm amped up. 126 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,000 Oh, that's interesting. 127 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,000 Yeah. 128 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,000 Like I could feel like my heart will start pounding. 129 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,000 Right. 130 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,000 You know that feeling you get with when adrenaline? 131 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,000 Yeah. 132 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,000 So you know, okay. 133 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,000 All right. 134 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,000 I need to, yeah. 135 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,000 Yeah. 136 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,000 I start getting sweaty. 137 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:58,320 So I already know when I start feeling these like physical things, that it's probably not 138 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:02,000 a really good time to have this conversation. 139 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:08,000 And I do one or two things either I will take a break or a time out. 140 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:09,000 Yeah. 141 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:14,000 Or either I just state something very clear. 142 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,000 It's not a good time for me to discuss this right now. 143 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,000 There you go. 144 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:23,000 And that's just, that's still communicating to the person that I acknowledge what they're 145 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:27,000 saying, but I do want to discuss it, but not right now. 146 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,000 Right. 147 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,000 And that just leaves the door open. 148 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,000 Right. 149 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,000 Because you could torpedo our relationship quick. 150 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,000 Yes. 151 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,000 Woo. 152 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,000 Yep. 153 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,920 I have chosen a lot of times I choose just not to respond. 154 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:46,240 It's just like, you know, especially, and I'm going to give us an example, political 155 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:47,240 stuff. 156 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:51,400 That's one of those things where you just don't, you already know where, if you know 157 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,960 where the person, you know, where they're going to go with it, you already know what 158 00:07:54,960 --> 00:08:00,600 they believe, you know, then it's just, it's not worth your energy. 159 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,520 And that's the way I approach things just like, you know, and they'll start talking 160 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,640 and I'll just be like, hmm, okay. 161 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:06,640 Hmm. 162 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:07,640 Yeah. 163 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:08,640 Wow. 164 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:09,640 Really? 165 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:13,080 I don't, I don't offer anything because it just, I know where it's going to go. 166 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,080 Yeah. 167 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:15,080 Yeah. 168 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:19,800 I mean, and of course, you know, people are just going to have varying opinion opinions 169 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:26,920 on politics, but it really isn't worth the energy in arguing with people. 170 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:27,920 Right. 171 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:28,920 Let me tell you something, y'all. 172 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:33,200 Don't, don't argue with me about stuff like that because I am not likely to change my 173 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,720 opinion when it comes to things like my core values. 174 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:37,720 Most people aren't. 175 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:38,720 Yeah. 176 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,440 And that's why it's a waste of energy. 177 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,440 Yeah, it is. 178 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,440 Yeah. 179 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,440 I respect your opinion. 180 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,240 I'm not going to try to change your mind, but just know you're not going to change my 181 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:47,240 mind either. 182 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,080 I really do not care. 183 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:53,280 And it is true that in some of those cases, some people's core values are wrong. 184 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:54,280 I can't. 185 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:55,280 I can't. 186 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,800 That was not very trauma informed. 187 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:01,840 Well, you know, I'm not a counselor. 188 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,840 So. 189 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,840 Okay. 190 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,760 Y'all don't cancel me. 191 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:10,760 You can cancel me out of care. 192 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,320 No, you can't cancel me either. 193 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,600 No, don't cancel me. 194 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,440 All right. 195 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:22,880 So the second point, try to avoid escalation. 196 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:32,240 And there is, so this is when, even when you are having an argument that are just dealing 197 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:38,160 with conflict and even if it starts off good and then something enters the conversation, 198 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,240 you're just like, oh, yeah. 199 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:45,360 Now whether this is the person who was speaking to you and they start to get heated, it is 200 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,120 okay for you to step back. 201 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,960 Like, Hey, I see where this is going. 202 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:49,960 Right. 203 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,200 This is not what I want to do right now. 204 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,200 Deescalation. 205 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,200 Deescalate. 206 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,200 Okay. 207 00:09:54,200 --> 00:10:02,200 And you know, like some people can enter conversations with the best intentions, but sometimes you 208 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:06,920 don't even know what your hot button is until it happens. 209 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:07,920 That's true too. 210 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:08,920 Yeah. 211 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:09,920 Oh, that's, that's a really good point. 212 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:10,920 I didn't know that would bother me so much. 213 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:11,920 You're like, oh, that made me mad. 214 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:12,920 Yeah. 215 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:13,920 Exactly. 216 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,920 I thought I was ready for this. 217 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:17,920 Yeah. 218 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:18,920 Yeah. 219 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:24,920 And anyone who knows me personally knows that I can get incredibly passionate about 220 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:28,440 things that are important to me. 221 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:33,720 You know, I have a big mouth. 222 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:44,200 And if it has anything, anything, anything to do, words today, it has anything to do 223 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:51,040 with any of the subjects or I think one that I'm really passionate about is, you know, 224 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,160 victims of domestic violence and stalking. 225 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:55,160 Don't start me. 226 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,160 Yeah. 227 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,960 I'm just gonna tell you what, what, try to talk to me and explain to me. 228 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:02,040 I think that's like one of your, I didn't know this until recently you were watching 229 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,640 that stalking show and you were just. 230 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:04,640 Yeah, I was. 231 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,760 You had, he came downstairs to see who I was yelling at. 232 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,040 Yeah, I was yelling at my TV. 233 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,040 I was so mad. 234 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,040 Yeah. 235 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,040 Yep. 236 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:19,160 If you want to see me escalate it, that's how I get there. 237 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:24,200 So one of the best ways to keep an argument healthy is to avoid escalation. 238 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:28,840 So try not to say things that will make the other person more upset. 239 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:34,160 Now what that said is that you cannot control the other person's reaction. 240 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:37,200 Even though your intent is not to upset that person. 241 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:42,760 Again, if you don't know their triggers or their hot button issues and it comes up, it 242 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:43,760 could happen. 243 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:50,160 So for example, if you're arguing about who should do the dishes, avoid insults and disrespecting 244 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,600 others. 245 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:56,640 And this is also with kids. 246 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:57,920 Yep. 247 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:03,440 Because I would assign chores to the kids and I'd come down and they'd be like, what 248 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,440 in the heck? 249 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:06,120 That's not how you do this. 250 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:12,040 And then just like, go on, you did a half butt job and then just, oh, but like this 251 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:15,840 might have been their expectation. 252 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:16,840 Right. 253 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:17,840 Right. 254 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,760 Well, unless you know my oldest. 255 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:20,760 Yeah. 256 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:24,320 And this will intentionally do a half butt job. 257 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,320 Yep. 258 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:26,320 Even at 21. 259 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,320 Yeah. 260 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:32,920 If she could, her, she takes that smarter, not harder phrase and it has become the philosophy 261 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,880 of her life. 262 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:40,120 But what she has found is doing it that way always creates more work later. 263 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,120 Yep. 264 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,120 Sure does. 265 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,120 Try to do it. 266 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,120 Sure does. 267 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:53,480 So instead of even if you are so angry in that situation, instead of saying disrespectful 268 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:58,120 things or insulting the person, try to stay calm and focus on the issue at hand. 269 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:05,880 If we use the, the example of the dishes and you go to dishwasher, you pull your cup out, 270 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:11,480 your favorite mug for your coffee in the morning and it's got stuff stuck to it. 271 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,120 Like somebody just put it in a dishwasher. 272 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:14,120 Yeah. 273 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,120 It's not personal for you. 274 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,120 Yeah. 275 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,120 It's very personal. 276 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,120 This happens more times than I care for it. 277 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:26,120 But so I will focus on this cup is dirty. 278 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:30,120 And it's not to my standard of cleanliness. 279 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:38,640 Now, what I really, in that moment when I don't have my favorite mug on a Monday morning, 280 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:44,880 what I really want to do is go upstairs and wake my 21 year old daughter up and be like, 281 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,360 hey, can you come clean this mug? 282 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:47,360 Oh, geez. 283 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,360 That would be petty. 284 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:49,360 Yeah. 285 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:50,360 That would be petty. 286 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,800 I know someone that used to do that. 287 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,200 But instead I will either wash the cup or just get another one of my favorite mugs. 288 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,720 I have like 20 favorite mugs. 289 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,920 She has too many y'all. 290 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,800 Now he's on her side too. 291 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,440 She keeps saying I got too many mugs. 292 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,840 That's the excuse for why my mugs don't get clean by the way. 293 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,440 I have too many of them. 294 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,160 Oh my gosh. 295 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:17,200 So don't use hurtful words or insults and avoid raising your voice. 296 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:22,000 If you notice that your voice is getting louder, take a deep breath and calm down. 297 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,040 That sounds so stereotypical. 298 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:30,400 I think that breathe is the new calm down. 299 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:31,920 It is very effective. 300 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:32,920 Yeah. 301 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:37,560 But have you ever told someone calm down and saw how they didn't calm down? 302 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:38,560 Right. 303 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:39,560 Yeah. 304 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:40,560 No, you're absolutely right. 305 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:41,560 Okay. 306 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:42,560 Breathe. 307 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:43,560 What you telling me to breathe for? 308 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:44,560 I'm breathing. 309 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:45,560 I have breathing. 310 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:46,560 Yeah. 311 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:51,520 But the reason why it is encouraged to breathe, did you know? 312 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,560 And this is science. 313 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,560 Okay. 314 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:55,560 All right. 315 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:56,560 Here we go. 316 00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:02,200 This is how you naturally release your own serotonin. 317 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,920 It is slow controlled breaths. 318 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:06,920 Okay. 319 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:15,000 It sounds, I know, it's, but like we were, we were made just so perfectly that our bodies 320 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:21,200 can do things that in the moment where we don't need medication or anything, we create 321 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,200 these things. 322 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:23,200 The fix is natural. 323 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,200 You just have to know how to do it. 324 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,200 In that moment. 325 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:32,560 I'm not saying this works all the time, but in a pinch, a good inhale, hold, exhale, but 326 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:33,560 don't hyperventilate. 327 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:34,560 If you're doing it. 328 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:35,560 Yeah. 329 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,560 You're going to. 330 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:43,240 That's not, that's not, no, you have to be very intentional in your breath. 331 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,200 There are apps for that. 332 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:53,400 If you have an iPhone or the watch, you can even set it and it'll count for you. 333 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:54,400 Right. 334 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,880 A good way to, to practice that is believe it or not, I do this, you know, if I'm exercising, 335 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:03,280 if you're doing cardio and you notice your heart rate is getting too high or like that 336 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,960 machine is starting to beep, like, oh, you're above the range you should be at. 337 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:12,000 If you can intentionally control your breathing, you'll watch it start to go down. 338 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,000 Yeah. 339 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,160 I used to do that when I ran track. 340 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:15,160 Yeah. 341 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:19,200 I used to do cross country and believe it or not, I didn't know how to breathe. 342 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,200 Yeah. 343 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,200 It's a thing. 344 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:22,200 Yeah. 345 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:26,600 And I was just like wondering how people running these miles and I learned how to breathe 346 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:32,240 properly and that meant being intentional in my inhalation and exhale. 347 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:33,240 Yeah. 348 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:39,440 So avoid bringing up past arguments because it will make the other person feel threatened 349 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:40,840 and frustrated. 350 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:45,640 If you want the person that you are speaking with to put up a wall real quick, bring up 351 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:46,640 some past stuff. 352 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:47,640 Yeah. 353 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:48,640 That's so hard. 354 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:49,800 I know it is. 355 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:50,800 It really is. 356 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:56,720 And sometimes that is the result of not resolving that issue. 357 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:57,720 Yeah. 358 00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:58,720 Past conflict. 359 00:16:58,720 --> 00:16:59,720 Yeah. 360 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:00,720 Exactly. 361 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:01,720 Yeah. 362 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,720 You know, like, and that's the thing, y'all. 363 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:07,680 And if you have chosen to move forward in a relationship, whether it's a friendship or 364 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:14,360 work, whatever it is, and you've discussed this issue, it has been put to bed. 365 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,120 Don't bring it up again. 366 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,120 Right. 367 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,000 Unless that person does it again. 368 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,000 Right. 369 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,320 And the thing is, like, a lot of times if it was honestly resolved, you wouldn't have 370 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,320 a reason to. 371 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,320 You wouldn't. 372 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:31,520 But I think in the heat of the moment, when you're trying to, trying to, to like, I don't 373 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:35,600 know, sometimes like bring up the person's faults or they're, you know, like, oh. 374 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:36,600 Yeah. 375 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:37,600 You're trying to get an edge up in the argument. 376 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:38,600 Yeah. 377 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:39,600 Exactly. 378 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,200 And nobody knows how to hurt you more than the people closest to you. 379 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,800 They know those buttons. 380 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:48,520 Also avoid making threats and ultimatums. 381 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,200 If you want to shut a person down as well. 382 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,200 Cause my word. 383 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,200 Ultimatums. 384 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,200 Yeah. 385 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,200 Nope. 386 00:17:55,200 --> 00:18:00,720 And then don't get butt hurt if they choose the one that doesn't involve you. 387 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:01,720 It fits. 388 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:03,960 You know, oh, it's me or your job. 389 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,680 And they piece out and take the job. 390 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,920 Well, you presented those options. 391 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:09,920 Yep. 392 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:10,920 Don't get mad. 393 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,480 There's a certain football player that did that recently. 394 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:13,800 I can't remember who it was. 395 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:14,800 Yeah, I know. 396 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:15,800 I know. 397 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:16,800 Also threats. 398 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:27,320 I'm a person when I feel threatened, it is not good. 399 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,320 Not good. 400 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:33,240 Like anyone else that feels threatened, you go into your trauma response and you do what 401 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,760 you need to do because your body is in survival mode. 402 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:41,000 Also, don't say anything that you might regret later. 403 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:47,000 I actually will say this out loud in times where I feel a conversation is going to a 404 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,000 place. 405 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:51,240 And again, I feel those physical reactions in my body. 406 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,440 I can feel my heart pounding, stress. 407 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:56,920 What you guys, I sweat really bad and I sweat the most. 408 00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:00,000 When I'm stressed. 409 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:06,040 And those are times where I'm just like, okay, I'm going to say something that I might regret. 410 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:10,160 Give me some space so I can address this in a better manner. 411 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,440 And this can be what your kids with anyone. 412 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:13,960 The third one. 413 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,320 Focus on the freaking issue. 414 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:20,440 You ever had an argument with someone and like it's going on. 415 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:24,800 And they say something and just like keep going on this weird tangent and just like, 416 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,200 what are we talking about again? 417 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,160 You're just like, how we get here? 418 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,800 What the hell you talking about? 419 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:30,800 Yeah. 420 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:31,800 What? 421 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:37,320 Like, what is going on? 422 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:43,200 So when you're in argument, stay focused on the issue discussed at that moment. 423 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:47,080 Avoid bringing up other issues that are unrelated to the current discussion. 424 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:52,240 I think a good example of this is the infamous slap. 425 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:54,240 Oh, Lord. 426 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:55,240 Yeah. 427 00:19:55,240 --> 00:20:05,120 And just like people pulling things and grasping at straws to like sublitify their argument, 428 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:08,040 but it had nothing to do with what like actually happened. 429 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:13,640 Like why are we discussing a relationship that or something they were talking about 430 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:19,040 right like a year ago and making this the other person's fault rather than actually 431 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,040 what happened. 432 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,040 Right. 433 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,040 It doesn't make sense. 434 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,760 There's too many opinions when it comes to that particular situation. 435 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:25,760 There's lots of things. 436 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,840 If you just just go on social media, try Reddit. 437 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:34,160 If you want to see some people get off topic real quick, stay off there for that reason. 438 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,160 Yep. 439 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,800 Or any of so I'm a huge fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 440 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:46,360 I belong to a few online groups and you know, I think there's some people who will pose 441 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:50,080 questions to see the fireworks in the group. 442 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:54,560 But like if you go through the comments and you can see so many people who are just off 443 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,880 topic and just like, dude, you're mad at this. 444 00:20:57,880 --> 00:20:58,880 That's not what we're talking about right now. 445 00:20:58,880 --> 00:20:59,880 Right. 446 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:00,880 Now it has nothing to do with it. 447 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:01,880 Yeah. 448 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,880 I even have someone say, oh, this is stupid argument. 449 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:04,880 It's a dumb show. 450 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:10,200 But I'm just like, did you know this was a group about a show? 451 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,200 Yes. 452 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:12,200 That's called a troll. 453 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,640 And that's why I don't entertain those. 454 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:14,640 That too. 455 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:15,640 Don't feed trolls. 456 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:16,640 Yeah. 457 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:17,640 Don't. 458 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:18,640 They just disappear. 459 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:19,640 Right. 460 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:20,640 Was it South Park? 461 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:21,640 I used to. 462 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:27,680 Yeah, it was South Park where the dad was like he was a troll purposely. 463 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,560 You don't remember that? 464 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,160 It was like a three part episode. 465 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,480 I don't remember, babe. 466 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:33,480 I think it was. 467 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:34,480 Was it Stan Statt? 468 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:35,480 No. 469 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:36,480 There's so many episodes. 470 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:37,480 It was Kyle Statt. 471 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,480 Kyle Statt. 472 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:39,480 Yeah. 473 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:40,480 He was an undercover troll. 474 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:44,480 He was on social media and he would just type random things to get reactions. 475 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:45,760 Now I'm gonna have to look up that episode. 476 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:46,760 Yeah. 477 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:47,760 It's like, it's three parts. 478 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:48,760 Yeah. 479 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:49,760 Trust me. 480 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,240 So don't bring up past arguments or points. 481 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:57,600 For example, if you argue about your partner not doing the dishes, don't mention that they 482 00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:59,880 never take out the trash. 483 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:01,840 One doesn't have anything to do with the other. 484 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:02,840 Right. 485 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:03,840 Yeah. 486 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:08,160 It will make the argument more confusing and it doesn't help to resolve the conflict. 487 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,480 And then you're also just, I mean really your partner might feel attacked. 488 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,480 Yeah. 489 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,880 It's just like, okay, I'm trying. 490 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:15,880 Yeah. 491 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:22,800 It's more than if you're arguing with someone like me, I'm a match your energy. 492 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,560 I think most people would. 493 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:25,560 That's the thing, right? 494 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:30,960 And that's why you try your best not to get to a heightened state when you're arguing 495 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:32,640 because that's what happens, right? 496 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:33,640 Yep. 497 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:38,760 It'll elevate based on how you respond to your... 498 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:47,880 I was told when I was a child that a soft answer turns away wrath. 499 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:52,480 And that just means it's all in the delivery. 500 00:22:52,480 --> 00:23:00,240 Even if you have to say something that might not necessarily be good news to share, it 501 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,440 is better to deliver it with compassion. 502 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:04,680 Right. 503 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:13,480 Or just recognize that the way that you say things, the way that you present an argument, 504 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,760 that outcome is on you. 505 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:16,760 Yes. 506 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,040 We feed off of each other's energy. 507 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,480 So try to stay calm and focused. 508 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:27,480 It's challenging to stay on topic when you're feeling upset because I don't know about y'all. 509 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:31,160 Sometimes I might not say some rational things in the heat of the moment. 510 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:35,360 I'm just saying some stuff that just hopefully it hits. 511 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:36,520 Good Lord. 512 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:43,840 But so just it's important to really just stay calm in that moment. 513 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,880 Be specific about what you're upset about. 514 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,280 Nobody can reach your mind. 515 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:58,240 Avoid things like you never, you always, because nothing is ever absolute. 516 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:03,080 I don't feel hurt is a better way of saying you never listened to me. 517 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,120 Or I felt unheard when you didn't respond. 518 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:13,320 So just because if you were to actually stop and think, is it true that your partner never 519 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:14,760 listens to you? 520 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:15,760 Is that true? 521 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:22,600 Is it true that when you express those extremes, I know when you're worked up, it's in that 522 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:28,120 moment, it feels like almost like an end all be all. 523 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,120 Right, right, right. 524 00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:30,120 Yeah. 525 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,120 Yeah. 526 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:33,880 It's like everything is, my life is over. 527 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:35,360 Your life is over. 528 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:36,360 No. 529 00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:37,360 Good grief. 530 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:40,920 It's not. 531 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:46,760 But being specific about what you're upset about helps the other person better understand 532 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:50,640 your perspective and it can lead to a more productive conversation. 533 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,920 You can't expect people to read in between the lines. 534 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,160 If you are not being direct. 535 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,880 You owe that to the person you're having conversation. 536 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:05,400 But on that same token, you are not supposed to read between the lines. 537 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:10,040 If it isn't said, it is not your job to interpret the message that wasn't said. 538 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:11,040 Right. 539 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,040 Because that might not be the intended message. 540 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:14,040 Absolutely. 541 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:18,800 For my favorite, take breaks if needed. 542 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:19,800 These are timeouts. 543 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:21,000 These are grown up timeouts. 544 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:22,000 Okay. 545 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:23,840 You're saying like in the middle of the argument or? 546 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:25,000 Doesn't matter. 547 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,000 Middle, beginning. 548 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,000 Yeah. 549 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,280 If you feel like the argument is getting too heated, take a break. 550 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:31,280 Yeah. 551 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,280 Sometimes that's, I can understand that that's hard. 552 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:38,080 If you have a partner that's following you through rooms and just won't stop when you 553 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:43,880 try to separate yourself from the situation, that is hard. 554 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:49,720 But if you can lower your energy, sometimes that will help. 555 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:50,720 Yep. 556 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,960 And it really doesn't mean that you're giving up on resolving the conflict. 557 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,720 It just means that you need time to calm down. 558 00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:01,760 And that is best to avoid saying something you regret. 559 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:06,800 You don't want to be arguing and all of a sudden you'd be like, your mom was a fool. 560 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:07,800 What? 561 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:08,800 Good Lord. 562 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:09,800 What? 563 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:11,800 You know, like, sheesh. 564 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:12,880 Oh man. 565 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:13,880 It's an art. 566 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:20,480 It's really, it's, I mean, it really takes a conscious effort to be able to, to remain 567 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,280 calm when you're arguing with someone. 568 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:24,280 Yeah. 569 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:30,520 So on that same token, if a person asks for a break or say, hey, I can't discuss this 570 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:37,760 right now, you need to take a break as well because it takes two people to argue. 571 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:43,160 And this person is saying, basically, I'm probably going to say something that's going 572 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:48,320 to, you know, I'm going to regret or just totally torpedo this relationship. 573 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,600 What you, what you're telling that person when you don't give them a break is that you 574 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:52,600 don't care. 575 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:53,600 Yes. 576 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:58,720 You don't want to be done with this relationship because please believe when the dust settles 577 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:03,520 and you're looking back at this argument and you've said some horrible things that those 578 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,280 things that you said to that person, they still hit. 579 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:07,280 Yes. 580 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:08,280 They still remember them. 581 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:09,280 Yes. 582 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:10,280 There's not a rewind button on life. 583 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,440 There's not a, a delete. 584 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,920 It's still out there and that person still felt it. 585 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:15,920 Yes. 586 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:20,720 And when someone wants to take a break that you're having an argument with, that is not 587 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,720 the time to lean in so you can win. 588 00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:24,720 Oh gosh. 589 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:30,400 If you are, if you're arguing with a person and they do that and it's just going, going, 590 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:36,680 going, you're probably dealing with a person who has some serious issues and this is not 591 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:37,680 about you. 592 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:38,680 Right. 593 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:44,400 And they probably calm, they probably have interactions like this with a lot more people, 594 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:45,400 not just you. 595 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,120 This is how this person operates. 596 00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:48,120 Absolutely. 597 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:49,120 Yep. 598 00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:51,120 Okay. 599 00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:52,120 Let me get it off man. 600 00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:53,120 See, I almost got heated up there. 601 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:54,120 I know. 602 00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:55,120 See, yeah. 603 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:56,120 Yeah, yeah. 604 00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:57,120 We get it. 605 00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:58,120 We get it. 606 00:27:58,120 --> 00:27:59,120 That's why. 607 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:03,880 So with that, you know, agree with the person to take a break. 608 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,440 It will help avoid misunderstandings. 609 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:09,160 Let the other person know that you plan to come back. 610 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,840 Now taking a break is not the silent treatment. 611 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:12,840 Right. 612 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:13,840 Right. 613 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:14,840 There's a big difference in that. 614 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:15,840 Yeah. 615 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:16,840 Okay. 616 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:22,560 So it's incredibly damaging to a relationship, particularly romantic relationships and relationships 617 00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:24,040 with our children. 618 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,920 The silent treatment is not an appropriate punishment. 619 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:27,920 Right. 620 00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:28,920 That is not okay. 621 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:29,920 Yeah. 622 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:31,720 Actually it is a form of abuse. 623 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:34,200 Most people don't know that, but it is. 624 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:35,800 So yeah, I recently learned that. 625 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:36,800 Yeah. 626 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:38,360 Just, you know, from learning from you. 627 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:39,360 Yeah. 628 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:40,360 Yeah. 629 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:43,040 Um, it's also incredibly immature. 630 00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:49,840 It shows that you have low emotional intelligence and that your route to teaching this personal 631 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:52,320 love a lesson is to isolate them. 632 00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:53,320 No. 633 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:54,320 Yeah. 634 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:55,320 I'm just not going to talk to them. 635 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:57,600 That's no, that also doesn't resolve it. 636 00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:58,600 It doesn't. 637 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,200 And that's the other thing. 638 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:08,920 Don't expect to come back to this person and act like you didn't put them on eggs for 639 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,840 like two days. 640 00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:11,840 Right. 641 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:12,840 Don't do that. 642 00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:13,840 Okay. 643 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:14,840 How you doing? 644 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,840 No, if you do, I'm going to be honest, y'all do something like that to me. 645 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:18,840 You might catch the finger. 646 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:23,960 You're going to get that one finger salute and we really going to be on a silent treatment 647 00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:31,600 because you probably don't want to carry on a relationship with someone who's method 648 00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:36,640 of conversating with you when you don't agree with them is to punish you. 649 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:37,640 Right. 650 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:38,640 That's what that is. 651 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:39,640 That's a good point. 652 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:40,640 It's a punishment. 653 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:41,640 That's a good point. 654 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:42,640 Yeah. 655 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:48,200 So, you're letting the person know that you're going to come back this way. 656 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:49,200 Don't know. 657 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,160 They don't feel like you are just abandoning them. 658 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:52,160 Right. 659 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:55,280 You know, this is not a good time for me to have this conversation or you could just, 660 00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:59,760 depending on who you're talking to, especially if this is someone who is close to you, you 661 00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:05,720 can say, Hey, I feel like this is going somewhere where I can't go and I'm not able to have 662 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:09,720 a calm or rational conversation right now. 663 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:10,720 And that is okay. 664 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:11,720 That is not a weakness. 665 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:12,720 Right. 666 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:16,640 Um, during that break, try to do something calming, whatever it is. 667 00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:21,360 I always try to stay engaged, you know, one of your five senses. 668 00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:27,720 This is a method that they use a lot in DBT, whether it is like you have your favorite 669 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:28,720 smell. 670 00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:29,720 Some people like dryer sheets. 671 00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:30,720 Okay. 672 00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:35,280 You're laughing, but it does help in the moment. 673 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:38,280 Anything that you can do in under a minute. 674 00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:39,280 Okay. 675 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:41,960 I kind of keep you present. 676 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:42,960 Okay. 677 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:43,960 Just, just to soothe that. 678 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:44,960 I like it. 679 00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:45,960 Mm-hmm. 680 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:48,040 Mine, y'all gonna laugh at this. 681 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,080 Mine is gangster rap. 682 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:52,800 I recently learned this actually two days ago. 683 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:53,800 Yeah. 684 00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:54,800 I had no idea. 685 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,400 It seemed like that would be like counterproductive, right? 686 00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:57,400 Right. 687 00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:58,400 Gangster rap. 688 00:30:58,400 --> 00:30:59,400 It gets you into certain, yeah. 689 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:00,400 Yeah. 690 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,000 I don't know why, but for some reason it brings me down. 691 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:04,000 Wow. 692 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:09,160 I was telling my buddies that, and you know this, this is going to sound weird, but watch 693 00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:10,160 it. 694 00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:13,160 I'm watching steak videos on theirs. 695 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:14,440 This is, this is the thing, y'all. 696 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:20,840 There are ASMR videos on Instagram and even on YouTube of people just cutting steak. 697 00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:26,400 And for some reason that is very calming to me. 698 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:29,160 I like to watch people getting haircuts. 699 00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,880 Well, like the, the barber ones. 700 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:32,880 Okay. 701 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:35,720 Obviously, because I'm a hairstylist, right? 702 00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:39,400 But when they're doing those very sharp precision cuts, right? 703 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,200 I love that. 704 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:45,720 I have this weird thing with watching curly hair get straightened. 705 00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:46,720 Oh, okay. 706 00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:50,280 And like when you do it really slow, I actually get goosebumps. 707 00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:53,280 I'm like, this is oddly satisfying. 708 00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:55,280 Oh my gosh. 709 00:31:55,280 --> 00:32:00,800 Any, any hairstylist out there that knows what I'm talking about, comment on our social 710 00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:02,160 media either on Instagram or Facebook. 711 00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:07,160 I know I cannot be the only hairstylist that likes to see curled hair getting straightened 712 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:11,280 and get that glossy straight. 713 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:13,000 Oh my gosh. 714 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:14,000 That's fine. 715 00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:15,000 That's funny. 716 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:16,000 I got goosies now. 717 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,000 Oh Lord. 718 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:25,560 Another thing that, so a good example of this also is the agency that I contract with, they 719 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:29,920 have this awesome trail behind the building. 720 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:35,400 And a lot of times if you have, you need a break, a lot of us will go back there and 721 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:38,000 just take a brief walk. 722 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,920 It just really, number one gives you a change of scenery. 723 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:43,480 That's important. 724 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:47,800 Sometimes you just need to like completely remove yourself from the situation and that 725 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,600 could also mean changing the scenery. 726 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:54,960 It also allows you against, you engage those five senses. 727 00:32:54,960 --> 00:33:01,120 You know, I love to go out there when the lilacs are blooming because it smells so good. 728 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:02,360 All right. 729 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:06,920 So number five, resolve the conflict resolution. 730 00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:13,880 Y'all, once you've taken some time to calm down, it's now time to actually resolve the 731 00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:15,520 conflict. 732 00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:20,840 And this means talking with the other person about why you're upset and then working together 733 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:24,840 to brainstorm solutions that can help. 734 00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:32,760 And this is why when you take a break, you are in a more rational state of mind and you 735 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:37,080 can actually think about resolutions. 736 00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:42,240 I don't know about y'all, but when I'm in the moment or anything, like when I'm at a 737 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:49,800 really high energy place or highly agitated, my thought processes, they aren't very complete. 738 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:51,440 You can't think clearly 100%. 739 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:53,640 They're not complete. 740 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:59,240 And that moment also feel like I will have that absolute thinking again, my life is over. 741 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:02,360 I'll never be able to do this. 742 00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:07,160 Return to that when you're in a more calm state because your brain works better that 743 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:08,160 way. 744 00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:09,160 Right. 745 00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:10,160 Yeah. 746 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:15,120 So in doing this, what you want to do is listen to the other person's perspective. 747 00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:18,840 It is really important to understand where they are coming from. 748 00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:26,400 Whether you agree or not, it is still important in hearing that person's perspective, especially 749 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:33,400 if this is about someone being upset about something you did. 750 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:36,120 Again, a tent doesn't matter. 751 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:37,640 This is just a time to listen. 752 00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:38,640 Okay. 753 00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:39,640 Listen. 754 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:40,640 Listen. 755 00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:43,480 Try to come up with a compromise. 756 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:52,600 So sometimes every resolution will not be equally beneficial. 757 00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:53,600 Right. 758 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:54,600 Think. 759 00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:55,600 Right. 760 00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:56,600 It isn't, it isn't. 761 00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:57,600 What you say that's... 762 00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:01,400 Because what can be equally beneficial is not having an argument. 763 00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:02,400 Right. 764 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:09,400 But it just means if you have the ability to compromise or that person has the ability 765 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:10,400 to compromise. 766 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:11,400 That's what I was going to say. 767 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:12,400 Yeah. 768 00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:17,280 If you have something you can do and not be put out of the way or inconvenienced, why 769 00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:18,280 not? 770 00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:19,280 Right. 771 00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:25,040 To do otherwise, if you're deciding that absolutely no way am I going to compromise, 772 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:28,800 then there need not be any further conversation. 773 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:29,800 Right. 774 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:30,800 And that's the thing too. 775 00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:36,120 And it, I think more times than not, you can be arguing with someone who doesn't have 776 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:38,120 the same level of emotional intelligence. 777 00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:39,120 Yep. 778 00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:44,920 And look at me using words from the podcast. 779 00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:51,560 And in those cases, those are times, at least I find, when you really have to make a decision 780 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:52,560 to compromise. 781 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:53,560 Yep. 782 00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:54,960 Is it worth it? 783 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:58,880 Is it worth it to continue an argument? 784 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:06,440 Is it worth it to continue to have this rift in your relationship if you can compromise 785 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:08,600 and meet this person halfway? 786 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:09,600 Yeah. 787 00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:10,600 Yeah. 788 00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:14,240 That doesn't mean that you always have to be the one compromising because if you are, 789 00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:16,560 just let's reevaluate this relationship. 790 00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:18,680 But if you have the ability, why not? 791 00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:19,680 Yeah. 792 00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:21,000 It's not about winning or being right. 793 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,400 It's about maintaining a healthy relationship. 794 00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:27,840 And that right there, let's put that on a freaking t-shirt. 795 00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:29,320 That right there. 796 00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:37,640 It is, if you start off arguing with the intent of I'm going in or you're not going to back 797 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:39,880 down because you don't lose. 798 00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:40,880 Nope. 799 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:41,880 No. 800 00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:43,880 You're not getting anything accomplished in that. 801 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:44,880 Right. 802 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:45,880 No. 803 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:46,880 Right. 804 00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:49,840 So a compromise has to be something that you both agree on. 805 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:55,360 And you will both say, like, hey, if you come up with a compromise, does this work? 806 00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:56,360 Yeah. 807 00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:57,360 I could do that. 808 00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:58,360 Right. 809 00:36:58,360 --> 00:36:59,360 That's it. 810 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:00,360 Right. 811 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:03,920 For example, if you're arguing about who should wash the car, maybe you wash the car 812 00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:07,520 together or you wash the car this week or you go next week. 813 00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:09,360 Or why are we doing that? 814 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:12,720 Let's just get a membership at a car wash. 815 00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:16,960 And as he said, that is looking at me. 816 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:17,960 I should do better. 817 00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:19,800 I have a nice truck, but I don't ever wash it. 818 00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:20,800 It isn't disgrace. 819 00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:22,920 And her husband pays for her membership. 820 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:32,200 It's just like, you know, it's, it's, it's, what do you call it? 821 00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:33,200 Priorities. 822 00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:37,000 It's not on my list of priorities of things to do. 823 00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:42,720 Avoid playing the blame game. 824 00:37:42,720 --> 00:37:47,560 This will only make the other person feel defensive and you won't resolve the conflict. 825 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:48,560 Right. 826 00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:49,560 Right. 827 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:50,560 Just don't. 828 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:51,560 Yeah. 829 00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:52,560 I've been guilty of that. 830 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:53,640 Um, yeah. 831 00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:57,040 And then backtracking with compromise. 832 00:37:57,040 --> 00:38:04,320 It means that, I don't know if I made this clear that you may have to give up something 833 00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:06,320 to resolve. 834 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:07,320 Yep. 835 00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:09,160 And again, look at it. 836 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:11,600 Is this relationship worth it? 837 00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:12,600 Right. 838 00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:13,600 What is that phrase? 839 00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:14,840 Is the juice worth the squeeze? 840 00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:15,840 Yeah. 841 00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:23,080 If it is worth it to you, you might have to be the person to give up something. 842 00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:24,080 Right. 843 00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:29,760 So keep an open mind so that it compromises possible and also just be patient. 844 00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:33,800 It might take some time to reach a resolution that you can agree on. 845 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:36,160 You know, this might be something you have to think about. 846 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:37,160 Yeah. 847 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:40,640 I think one you and I are talking about is where we gonna live. 848 00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:41,640 Where we gonna live? 849 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:42,640 Yeah. 850 00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:47,240 Yeah, it's tough because the government's decided that for us the last 20 years. 851 00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:51,320 So, um, yeah, we're still working on that one. 852 00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:52,320 Yeah. 853 00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:54,840 I'm just gonna wrap this up. 854 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:58,160 Arguing is a normal part of any relationship. 855 00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:06,040 It actually is essential to a relationship for you to learn how to argue healthy. 856 00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:10,560 Love conflicts and avoid raising your voice, insults and arguments. 857 00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:11,680 They don't work y'all. 858 00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:14,720 It might feel good in a moment, but they don't work. 859 00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:15,720 Yeah. 860 00:39:15,720 --> 00:39:21,040 Take a break, practice deep breathing and try to resolve the dispute without escalation. 861 00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:29,560 I hope that if you follow these tips and the next time you're in a situation where you 862 00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:36,000 have to express yourself or there's a conflict that you need to resolve, I'm really hoping 863 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:40,520 you can do so productively and respectfully, respectfully. 864 00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:41,520 Okay. 865 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:42,520 All right. 866 00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:44,360 Let's get with the quote this week. 867 00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:49,320 I possess the qualities needed to be extremely successful. 868 00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,560 All right, y'all. 869 00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:53,240 You are worthy. 870 00:39:53,240 --> 00:39:55,680 You are valued and you are loved. 871 00:39:55,680 --> 00:40:25,160 Peace Hotel.